#vent I guess!! I’m upset at my artwork | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

saintgale · 3 years

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I’m just. Venting a little about stupid art things.

It’s super frustrating to me when popular artists complain constantly about not getting enough views/likes/engagement/whatever on their art. Like, I get it. Especially once I guess someone has gotten used to a certain amount of interaction, be that likes or comments or whatever, but here I am still bitterly happy if I can get like. 10 likes on an art post. (Which, thank you so much to those of you who do, it’s like each and every one is a little smile that lights up my day, and I appreciate it very much.) Here and there I will get one that “blows up” to me (these are fanart posts, and I’m only talking like, a few hundred notes, which for me is a mindblowing amount), but it’s disheartening and discouraging when I put so much time, so much into making art and there’s nothing to show for it.

I know I shouldn’t, and I do not, make art to get engagement on my posts, and I have long ago given up the “gauging my self worth on how much interaction I get,” even though that mindset is STILL lodged into me (”you don’t get engagement on your artwork because your artwork is bad”), that I am not good enough, that I will never be good enough, that my art sucks. At the end of the day I’m drawing things like my characters because they make me happy, but damn if it wouldn’t be nice to be at a place, like those popular artists, who constantly have people asking about their ocs and reblogging their oc art and all that. I know it’s not going to happen to me, and that’s okay. But when I see people with like, consistently hundreds or thousands of interactions on their content, who have thousands of followers, and then are like “I’m underrated” and all that, it’s like, then what does that make the rest of us “invisible” artists?

I will make a small disclaimer up front that I’m not upset at their success (if anything I’m happy for it), it’s not anything like that, it’s more frustration at myself as to why I can’t reach that, and frustration that the consumer media culture has made it so that nothing is ever “enough.” (And I get that wanting to still grow and improve is perfectly valid.) But the whole phenomenon of making someone who has tens of thousands of followers and constant interaction with their content feel as if that still isn’t “enough” is really awful, for them and for everyone else who can’t “make it” like that.

And look. I know my art’s not “great.” It’s certainly not “professional” quality or anything like that, and I constantly struggle to find what I like about it or to just refrain from putting myself down about it. And part of the reason is the shit like this, the feeling that “no one likes it” and that it’s “not good enough” to get interaction or commissions. And I know, I know deep down that’s not true, that on the technical side I am the same skill level as some of these more popular people, then I think, well there must be something wrong with what I’m doing or something wrong with me.

It’s like. You pour your heart and soul out into trying to make things and trying to improve and you throw it out there and it just sits there. And rots.

It just kills you inside. And yes, there’s that stubborn part of me that persists and will always persist, that I make art for me, I make art because I like to, I do not make art to measure my self-worth or my success, I do not make art to try to beg for interaction, I make art because it makes me happy. But at the end of it all, it’s still a slap in the face. It still hurts, you know?

Especially when you try, and you’ve been trying for years, and it’s never amounted to anything. Years, and there must be something wrong with me, because I’m still stuck here, in the same place, I think with even less interaction than I used to get (I think that’s just because some people have moved on, and some people just left bc of the whole tumblr bullshit thing, which is totally understandable and okay), but what do you do after that? There’s no hope left, really. It’s just the feeling that you’re going to be a nobody forever, that no one cares, no one will care, that your art will always suck, and there’s nothing you can do about it no matter how hard you try. (So why try anymore?)

Also another thing I’m just salty and bitter about that’s somewhat related: not being able to sell commissions when I see popular artists around similar skill levels charging even more than x2 my prices for some things and getting commissions constantly/people asking about them constantly. (Which I know of course doesn’t mean people will buy in that second scenario, but it’s still so frustrating.) This goes also to adopts, which I don’t do and don’t buy (no money even if I wanted to lol), but I see the “popular” designs go for several times the amount of designs with similar detail and all that, the only difference being they’re done by smaller artists. Which, yeah, I also know right now the whole world is fucked and we’re all trying to just scrape by and keep ourselves afloat. And buying art is a luxury, I know that and I think artists absolutely should be charging more for their work. It is just, again, frustrating and disheartening, that I can’t even make a decent living wage on things even when I do sell. (And, again, then it just goes back to the stupid little voice in my head that goes, “Dratz, your art isn’t worth that. No one wants to pay that much for your bad art.” And I know that’s all bs but it still stings and persists.)

Which, again, thank you from the bottom of my heart to those who do commission me. I appreciate you all and love drawing for you!

I really hope this doesn’t come off as me being ungrateful for all that I do have--I am very humbled and of course immensely thankful. Sorry I’m just not good at articulating my thoughts and feelings.

#shut up dratz #negative //#text post //#i'm sorry i'm just tired and sad

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animeniacss · 3 years

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A Palette of Emotions - Artist!Taehyng x Teacher!Reader - Chapter 12 - Friday Night Approaches

Synopsis: Taehyung dreams of being a professional and famous artist one day, but finds that the sea of creativity can be lurking with blood hungry sharks, as well as bland, motionless starfish. Swimming through the sea of opportunities somehow washed him up onto the shore of Bright Star Preschool, as an art teacher. This wasn’t where he expected to be 4 years into his career, but anything to get his big break though, right?

Feat. BTS, TXT, ITZY, Jisoo (BlackPink), Taeyong (NCT)

Genre: Romance, Slow Burn, Love Triangle, Drama, School Setting, Working!AU

Length: approx. 4.6k words

Chapter 12 - Friday Night Approaches

“Hyung?”

“And he just asks her out, practically in front of the whole class! That was so inappropriate, don’t you think, Jungkook?”

“Uh-huh…” The poor boy had been sitting on Taehyung’s couch for about an hour. He arrived as soon as Taehyung got off of work that day, excited for his first meeting with his new mentor. He wasn’t sure what he was going to expect, but he did not expect it to be this. Jungkook held a manila folder in his grasp, lips pursed together as he watched the black-haired teacher storm back and forth before him.

“I knew it. God, maybe I should call his boss about how inappropriate he was, maybe that’ll teach them.”

“Didn’t she say not to get involved in her business? You think that will solve it?”

“How will she know it was me who called? I won’t give them my name.” Taehyung seemed a little too proud of his logic, putting his hands on his hips. Jungkook blinked, staring up at his Hyung, confusion etched all over his features. “…What?”

“Hyung…you’re the only one who seems bothered about this. Why would Mr. Kim call his boss on himself, and why wouldn’t she do it if she’s upset that it happened? Why would she have even said yes if she didn’t want to go? Her friend, Hoseok-Hyung doesn’t seem to be this passionate about it.” Taehyung crossed his arms, brows furrowed together in annoyance.

“Yes, he is. I saw it in his eyes, he’s just too nice to say anything.”

“Uh…uh-huh.” Jungkook leaned back on the couch. “Wasn’t she mean to you just a few weeks ago? Why do you suddenly care?”

“Well yeah, but…well, we’re not fighting anymore. At least I don’t think…” Taehyung ran a hand through his hair, and Jungkook felt his shoulders slump when Taehyung continued his frantic pacing back and forth in front of the couch. “Besides, whether she hated me or not, Namjoon is creepy. I’m just trying to protect her.”

“…Mr. Kim is my boss.” Jungkook hummed. Taehyung groaned.

“So, you’re biased.”

“I think you’re overreacting,” Jungkook said. “Mr. Kim is really nice and probably too awkward for his good. He has a good son and is a good father. He has a good job and is well respected. I think you should just let her go on the dates and figure it out for herself.” Jungkook watched Taehyung cross his arms and hum. “…Unless you-.”

“What? Unless I what, Jungkook?” Taehyung asked, eyes darting in the younger boy’s direction. When he saw the boy jump just slightly, he blinked. “…Sorry.” A playful smirk formed across the younger boy’s face, and that made Taehyung feel a world of uneasy. Why was he smirking?

“Nothing. Now-.” Taehyung saw Jungkook push a manila envelope in his direction. “Will you finally look at my work?” Taehyung sighed, nodding as he took the folder from him. Taehyung plopped on the couch beside him, and Jungkook shimmed over just slightly to offer him some room.

“Alright, alright. I’m sorry, you’re right. I appreciate you letting me vent about your boss for an hour.” He hummed, and Jungkook only chuckled a bit. “Let’s see what we got here…” When Taehyung flipped open the manila envelope, he was expecting some decent, yet still pretty amateur works. He was expecting colors to be mixed adequately, maybe some smudging or poor color choices. Something he could work on. Just ….

…something…

When Taehyung opened the folder and looked at the first picture inside, it felt as if Taehyung had been transported to a beautiful serene lake in the middle of spring, somewhere secluded, like the countryside or a foreign land. The colors were muted, but still noticeable. The peaks of the mountains in the distance were beautifully pointy, not a drop of paint was out of place. The lake was so crystal clear, Taehyung had to double-take that he didn’t see his reflection. This painting was…stunning.

Taehyung lifted his head, expression still of shock and confusion, as he stared at the kid before him. Jungkook blinked, seemingly nervous – why the fuck was he nervous – about what Taehyung had to say. Taehyung sighed, flipping to the second picture in his portfolio. This one looked as if it has been drawn with only colored pens, but it was once again a vision. A shadowy man stared back at him, only a few features heavily decorated with color to bring out his eyes, nose contour, or the scar the dragged red pen eerily down his left eye. Taehyung had to keep his jaw from hitting the floor.

“What do you think?” he heard Jungkook asked. Taehyung looked in his direction.

“What do I think? I think you’re fucking with me.” Taehyung handed Jungkook back the folder. Almost immediately, he took it, the younger-looking confused, more so than he had all evening. “You think I’m a joke or something?”

“What? N-no, of course not!” He gasped.

“Your art is leagues better than mine and you want me to mentor you? I don’t buy it.” Jungkook flipped open the folder once again, and Taehyung heard a frantic whimper emit from the boy’s mouth. Finally, he held up the mountain painting again.

“Like I said at the art festival, Hyung. I just paint it. You paint.”

“I still have no fucking idea what that means.” Taehyung huffed.

“Everything I’ve ever seen you do, from your big canvases to your tiny sketches, you do with passion. I don’t…I don’t have that. I just paint, I just put things together. It looks nice, I guess, but if someone looked at this, what would they think? ‘It’s pretty?’, ‘He’s talented?’ I got into your artwork because it tells a story, that’s what inspired me to do my paintings. But when I did….” Taehyung watched Jungkook plopped the picture down onto the folder again. “I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel pride or passion, and that’ll convey in my work. You say so yourself all over social media that your emotions tell a story.”

“…I do, don’t I?” Taehyung leaned back in his seat and groaned. “So, you…want me to teach you how to be passionate?”

“Mhm.” Jungkook nodded, as eager as ever. Taehyung had to admit, Jungkook was too hard to resist with that little doe-eyed stare. He couldn’t believe this was happening, he had no idea how to teach someone how to find their passion, he just had no idea!

“Okay, I guess I don’t have much else to lose.” He huffed. He could see Jungkook beam a little smile in excitement. “I have no idea when I’m going to be free, though. Maybe weekends?”

“Sure. I usually know far in advance when Mr. Kim needs me to babysit Kai, so I can work around that.” Taehyung nodded. “I look forward to working with you.” He said happily. Taehyung couldn’t help but smile a bit at his little friend.

“Yeah, yeah, alright.” Jungkook watched Taehyung get off the couch and make his way towards the kitchen. “Let me grab us something to drink.” He hummed, before disappearing behind the entranceway. Jungkook scanned the room, the sound of distant water running on the sink the only real noise he could hear. Jungkook stood up, walking towards the walls that were decorated with all of Taehyung’s finished canvases. They added so much clutter to the room, yet so much color and personality. Jungkook couldn’t help but admire each one that his eyes fell upon.

“He is something, isn’t he?” Jungkook mumbled to himself. As his eyes continued to scan, they landed on his desk, as dirty as ever. Multiple paintbrushes poked out from a white mug, which held down a stack of scattered papers. “Wow…” Jungkook walked over, sticking his hands in his pockets as he leaned in to get a closer look. When he did, he noticed a smaller piece of paper resting on the top of his most current stack of progress. When he got a closer look, he noticed a familiar face doodled on one of the pictures. He noticed two space buns, wrapped in uncolored ribbon. He noticed a smile spreading ear to ear and eyes dotted with excitement and wonder.

He noticed you, and quite frankly, he didn’t expect to.

“Aw…” He pursed his lips. Just as he lifted his hand to pick up the paper, he heard a voice.

“Sorry, did I catch you at a bad time?” When Jungkook looked up, he saw Taehyung walking in his direction, two cups of water in his hands. Jungkook could see he wasn’t pleased with how he caught Jungkook.

“Sorry, I just got distracted looking around,” Jungkook muttered sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck. Taehyung sighed, simply passing Jungkook the cup, which he took quickly. “…I saw your drawing of-.”

“Why are you snooping?” Taehyung asked again.

Jungkook avoided the question with a smile. “It looks nice. Just like her too. Is it a present for her?”

“What? No way.” An annoyed Taehyung lifted the cup of water to his mouth, sipping the contents down eagerly. Jungkook pursed his lips. “It’s just something I made.”

“I think she would like it.”

“No, she wouldn’t. She would probably think I was weird.”

“Why would she?” Jungkook paused after his initial question. Then, a grin formed on his face, one Taehyung was starting to realize he wasn’t too big of a fan of the more he saw it.

“You’re making that face again.” Taehyung hissed, eyes narrowing.

“I knew it. You like her, don’t you?” He asked. Taehyung, at that moment, wanted to die. He wanted to curl up in a ball and hide away from the rest of the world. He never wanted to come back out into the world. Just as Jungkook said that another deep voice hit the back of his mind like a vicious drum.

Do you have a crush on her or something?

“Like her? Jungkook, come on? I know I didn’t know you a few months ago, but she wasn’t the nicest to me for the longest time.”

“And you return the favor of constant verbal abuse through drawing a stunning picture that identifies all of her best features?” Jungkook snorted. “You don’t hold a grudge long, do you?”

As Jungkook finally took a sip of his drink, Taehyung felt his eyebrow twitch. “You damn brat.”

“I’m just saying. If you like her, it’s very obvious.”

“I don’t like her. Not in the way you think, anyway. Stop minding other people’s business, and that’s the last time I’m going to tell you.” Jungkook’s devilish smile diminished into a pout, and he nodded.

“Right…sorry, Hyung.” He said. Taehyung sighed, trying to hide his blush behind the glass cup he pressed between his lips. It didn’t work.

“It’s fine, just forget it.” He huffed. “So, do you plan to stay for dinner? Because I’m ordering pizza.”

“Oh no. My mom wants me home tonight. I’m behind on my homework and she doesn’t want me out of the house until it’s done.”

Taehyung blinked, raising an eyebrow. “So…how did you end up here?” Once again, that devilish grin formed on the younger boy’s face.

“I snuck out.” He said. Taehyung stood up, slapping the boy on the shoulder as he began to laugh. “I know, I know. I don’t do it often, but I wanted to come and see you as soon as I could to make sure you’d take me on.”

“I’m not taking you on anything until you catch up on your studies, you little punk!” Taehyung snapped, nudging Jungkook once again as he grinned. “Get home and catch up on your studies, they’re important, you know.”

“I know, I know. Okay, I’m going.” Jungkook couldn’t help but laugh as he was shoved towards the door by Taehyung. “Bye, Hyung.” He grinned.

“Yeah, get home safe,” Taehyung said, waving the boy off as he headed down the hallway. Taehyung closed the door, locking it before walking towards his kitchen and tossing himself into one of the chairs. Slowly, he lowered his head onto the table and let out a frustrated groan. “I’m turning into my mother…” he mumbled silently to himself, dread washing over him at the thought. As that thought came and went into his mind, yet another was sure to follow right behind it.

Jungkook was probably right, and that thought was beginning to piss him off.

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“What are you going to wear?” Hoseok asked, poking his head up from the yellow table in the room that he was currently scrubbing violently with soap and water. You glanced over at him, tugging your hair back so it did not cover your eyes.

“Wear? I have no idea.” You said simply.

“Well, where is he taking you?”

“He said to dinner. He made reservations at a nice place.”

“Oooh? Where?” You could hear that Hoseok sounded like he was forcing the conversation just slightly. It annoyed you whenever he would do this.

“He said it’s a surprise.” He had told you over the phone last night, but with Hoseok being this pushy, you had no intention of sharing that information with him. A childish whine emanated from his lips, but he knew you stood your ground, and thus, stopped pestering. “Why do you care anyway? You have your own life, Hobi.”

“I know, I just like being in the know about things, I guess.”

“I know. You always have.” You huffed, earning a giggle from your friend. “If you are so curious, then I’ll tell you Monday morning.”

“What?! Not even Friday night? I have to wait for the entire weekend?” The disbelief in his voice made you have to cover your mouth for a laugh, especially when he whined your name. “Oh come on, now, I don’t have to deal with children in this room for another 20 minutes, so don’t go all actor Hoseok on me.” Hoseok huffed, putting his hands on his hips.

“Okay, fine, you win.” He said. You watched as he walked towards the cabinet in the far-left corner of the room, storing away the cleaning supplies for later.

“Can you do me a favor? Maybe it’ll speed time up for you.” You hummed. Hoseok turned to you as you collected a stack of hastily put together works, handing it to him. “Can you hang up these crafts? Taehyung made them earlier this week and the kids wanted them up on the bulletin board outside. I thought we could surprise them with it.”

“Sure. But only for a price.” Hoseok said. Your eyebrow cocked in confusion as to what he meant by price. “I get to take you on a date too~.” He grinned.

“A date? Hmmm…how about we do dinner, wine, and movies on Friday night soon? Like old times?” You asked. Hoseok’s lips tugged together in a tight line as he thought about it, before finally nodding.

“Deal.” You passed him the crafts, and Hoseok spun on his heel, heading out the door towards the bulletin board outside of the room. He quickly got to work making room to hang up their glued together rainbows and cotton-ball clouds, which they made in anticipation of the middle of the week thunderstorms. Hoseok began stapling projects up, humming a little tune as he worked.

He was so in his world, that he began thinking about Friday. He did have a plan, he normally did if they were not with you, but that wasn’t the point. You never knew how much your date nights killed him on the inside, how much more alone he felt, knowing you were with another guy, laughing and smiling arm and arm. It killed him just to think about, which is why he busied his schedules those nights as much as he could. Your nights with him were fun, and meant the world to him, but were few and far between due to your heavy workloads. Anytime you spent together outside of the building was usually to plan lessons, create manipulatives and handouts, or plan exciting events. Anytime with you with good for him, though, he had no room to complain when you were by his side.

Hoseok was so in his world, that he didn’t hear the sound of a deep voice approaching until the word “HYUNG?!” right in his ear made him jump six feet in the air. When he looked over his shoulder, Taehyung was standing there, a concerned look on his face. “You okay? You were spacing out.”

“Oh yeah, just in my world.” Hoseok chuckled a bit. “Did you need something?”

“What are you doing Friday night?” Taehyung asked curiously. Hoseok blinked.

Is this kid reading my mind?

“Oh uh, well I have dinner plans with my older sister,” Hoseok said. He saw Taehyung’s shoulders slump. “Sorry, why? Something up?”

“No. I just wanted to make plans with someone.”

“Aww, I’m sorry. Next time, okay?” Hoseok grinned, turning to pat Taehyung on the shoulder. Taehyung nodded. “Good, I’ll clear my schedule.” Hoseok immediately turned back to the bulletin board. “They look cute hung up, don’t you think?”

“Oh yeah.” Taehyung scanned the entire bulletin board as it began to get filled up with colorful rainbows and puffy clouds. “It looks really cute. I’m glad she agreed to hang them up over here.” Hoseok nodded in agreement. Then, he watched Taehyung squeeze by him, making his way into your classroom.

You were busy cleaning up the final parts of the room when Taehyung walked in. You smiled, tucking hair behind your ear. “Morning.” You said happily.

“Hey.” Taehyung hummed, smiling a bit. “I uh…just wanted to apologize about getting in your business yesterday. Not sure what’s come over me, heh…” You chuckled.

“It’s whatever. I appreciate the apology though, and I’m sure your intentions are only good.” Taehyung nodded, and you chuckled. “Don’t worry about it. Just…mind your business, okay?” You teased, and Taehyung had to chuckle. There was a moment of silence that fell over you two until you clapped your hands against your dress. “Okay! Well, I need to finish setting up, so-.”

“Oh, okay. Sorry. I’ll go.” Taehyung nodded, waving his hand before leaving you alone in the room. When he stepped out, he waved to Hoseok before heading into his room and closing the door behind him. When he was alone in his room, he let out a soft sigh.

He wasn’t sorry about getting into her business, but he would be damned if he let their relationship sour once again because of his idiocy.

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Taehyung sat lazily on his couch, his limbs sprawled out as far as they would allow, one draped over the back of the couch while the other rested down the side and onto the floor. His feet were propped up on the other end, swaying back and forth as if they had a mind of their own. Taehyung knew tonight was the night Namjoon had finally succeeded in landed a date with you, and ever since he knew about it, he was dreading the day. The day finally arrived, and all he felt was an immense sense of jealousy and annoyance. He didn’t care about Namjoon, no matter what Jimin said about him or how kind and well-raised his son seemed to be. He was pushy and clingy and it wasn’t cute, at least not to him. But you didn’t seem to want to hear it, brushing off Taehyung’s concerns as nothing but a fit of ridiculous jealousy. That’s what all his friends said it was, but it still hurt! The lonely single held a beer tightly in his hand that rested on the floor, only raising it to bring the opening of the can to his lips and take a sip. Everyone was busy tonight, everyone except for Taehyung. He didn’t even have the inspiration to throw himself into his work, his works in progress remaining in progress, and most likely will for the rest of the night.

I should probably do something to get my mind off of it. He thought to himself. Groaning, Taehyung ripped himself off of the couch, running his hand through his hair as he walked to his desk. He plopped himself down on the chair and scanned the piles of various doodles. His hand landed on top of them gently, spreading them out so that he could get a better view. As he scanned his work, the multiple doodles he had done of you over the past few weeks had felt as if he was staring back. They were nothing amazing, nothing groundbreaking, but every time he saw them, he felt a bit happier. As he rested back in his seat, he heard a faint vibrating noise coming from his coffee table. Spinning around, he saw his phone, glowing and shaking as it desperately called for Taehyung to come to pick it up. He was quick to oblige, leaning forward and grabbing ahold of his phone. As he did, a familiar face showed up on the caller ID. Hoseok-Hyung, squished between two sun emojis, flashed on top of a picture of Hoseok and Taehyung that Jimin had taken at the art show. Hoseok and Taehyung had found some paper mâché masks at one of the vendor spots and had put them on with childlike excitement. Taehyung quickly answered the call.

“Hello?” He hummed.

“Want to go get dinner?” Hoseok’s voice hummed on the other end.

“Dinner? I thought you had plans tonight with your sister.”

“I did. She had to reschedule last minute. She was called into work to fix something with her fashion line.” Hoseok explained. “She already made the reservation for two at a restaurant near me, so she said I could still use it. So, I thought I would invite you. I don’t want to eat alone, hehe.”

“Uhm….” Taehyung looked over at the clock on the wall. It was already close to 9 p.m. It was just now that Taehyung realized he was starving. Alcohol didn’t seem to count as dinner for him, did it? “Can you give me fifteen minutes?”

“Yeah! I’ll send the address and wait outside for you. See you soon~.”

“Bye, Hyung,” Taehyung said before he heard his friend hang up. Taehyung spun back around to his sea of pictures and pencil stacks just staring at him in the face. He wasn’t sure how long he had done that, but he felt his stomach grumble again, and he finally got up and went into his room to make himself look somewhat presentable.

Hopefully, this would be enough to take his mind off of everything else.

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“Taehyung! Over here!” Hoseok shouted, his high-pitched voice piercing through the crowd of people lingering in and around the restaurant’s entrance. Taehyung fixed his jacket just slightly as he approached his friend.

“Hope I’m not late.” He said. “The train was a few minutes behind schedule.” Hoseok shrugged.

“Not a problem. Hope you’re hungry.” With a friendly, yet firm pat on the shoulder, Taehyung was led into the restaurant with his Hyung. The restaurant was stunning, brightly lit by tons of massive chandeliers that covered the entirety of the tall ceilings. Archways led guests into different areas of the establishment, each one even more than the last. As Taehyung looked around, he saw beautiful women adorning stunning dresses and jewels, while the men wore freshly pressed suits and shoes. Taehyung felt as if he was back at Mr. Oh’s art show, just by looking at the people there. This was most likely where people like that got together, and honestly, it was extremely intimidating. He watched as Hoseok followed the hostess, both of them chatting. Taehyung kept his hands in his pockets as he followed silently, his teeth chewing on the inside of his bottom lip a bit.

“Here you are.” The hostess said, motioning to their elegant booth. Taehyung and Hoseok thanked the man before they slid into the booth. Taehyung continued to look around, and Hoseok smiled.

“You look overwhelmed.” He said.

“I didn’t think we’d be going somewhere this elaborate. How can you afford this on your teacher’s salary?”

“My sister made the reservation, I said. She’s made a pretty big name for herself on Instagram with her fashion line.”

“Oh wow,” Taehyung said. “I never knew that.”

“She doesn’t like me talking about it too much,” Hoseok admitted.

“I feel like you’re trying to ask me out with this.” Taehyung joked, and Hoseok laughed.

“Noooooo.” Hoseok hummed. “I didn’t offer to pay for your half after all.” When he saw Taehyung’s eyes go extremely wide, he began to laugh. “I’m kidding.”

“Thank God. I doubt I could’ve ever afforded anything. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this much money in my life.” Hoseok chuckled as the waiter approached once again, filling both of their glasses with some sparkling water before offering them menus. He greeted himself, shared off the specials, and then left them alone to make their decisions for a few moments. Taehyung skimmed the page of options with wide eyes, unsure what he should pick. There weren’t many options, but everyone left his mouth-watering from the description below. By the time he finally made a decision and set his menu down, Hoseok had already leaned back in his seat, fiddling with his glass of water.

“Know what you want?” He asked curiously. Taehyung nodded. “Awesome.” He grinned. The waiter approached their table a few moments later, a smile on his face as Hoseok and Taehyung prepared to share their orders. As Hoseok was sharing him, Taehyung looked around, still wanting to take in the breathtaking scenery before him. It felt as if he had stepped into a painting, and he couldn’t stop staring. He wasn’t staring at anything specific, just staring. However, as his eyes scanned the massive archway leading into their section of the restaurant, he caught a familiar sight. Behind the same hostess that had seated them, the six-foot-tall Kim Namjoon was strolling in. His hair was slicked back, and he was wearing yet another pressed suit, much like all of the other men in the room, however, he was all black. The undershirt, the tuxedo jacket, even the tie. It was all black. Taehyung had to admit, even if it was only to himself, he looked pretty dashing. Kim Taehyung felt his ears boil a stinging red at the sight of the smug bastard, wanting to peel his eyes away the moment he laid his eyes on him.

However, as soon as he saw the lady on Kim Namjoon’s arm, his eyes refused to pull away even for a mere second to blink.

You were strolling beside Kim Namjoon, wearing a stunning white party dress. It fell to your knees, where it flared out into beautifully laid creases and folds. The top of the dress exposed the lovely necklace adorning your neck, as the dress’s sleeves were off the shoulder, wrapping around your arms. Your hair was out of its usual school bun or ponytail. It was the first time he had to seem your full head of hair, how lovely it flowed down your back, and framed your face. He could see traces of light makeup on your face, which was pretty good since he was looking from a distance. As he took one final look over you, he saw your feet adorning white heels. That final look was enough to catch his entire breath in his throat.

You were an absolute vision, and he would be lying if he knew he wanted so badly to be the man on your arm.

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oi-isha-oi · 3 years

Text

So uh I kinda just felt like venting-

For the longest time,I hated how I always rely on the number of likes I get on a post I make, specifically the ones I make showing off my art. I used to not care about the number of likes wayyyyy back when I only use DeviantArt to post my very very badly done artwork. I mean it did felt good to see someone favoured my art but overall I just didn't care all that much because I was like..10..I had stuff to deal with. I had Tumblr around a year later but it was the same

But I guess it's when I got Amino in 2017 is when I start getting obsessed with the number of likes on my post, whenever I make a post on Amino, I used to get 20-40 likes per post (and occasionally my art got featured as well and it gets to 500-1000 likes) and that made me feel good because that's when I started to take my art a bit seriously and it was showing that a lot of people liked it. But eventually as time went on, it didn't felt enough. I always noticed how when other artist post their art, they get comments about how their art inspires their followers and that the followers says that they like what the artist drew. I never had that, even when my post gets featured, the comments range to "Congrats on the feature" or "Nice artwork" and I know those are compliments as well but they never felt enough. As if I need to be told that my art is good,not just by liking it but actually being told. But that rarely happened to me.

I knew what was going on with me so I decided to take a break from Amino for a few weeks and try not to care about what the number says. It honestly didn't work, I was still upset about the numbers and lack of compliments in the comments.

Then I got Instagram.

I eventually started to hate Amino and moved to Tumblr and Instagram. I still didn't care much about Tumblr but on Instagram..oh boy..

I got a following for drawing Countryhumans, which I didn't mind because I really liked drawing fandoms more than original content, and I still do but I do sprinkle in my pcs every now and then. I knew that lotta peeps wanted to see ch so that's what I drew. But then the problems I had with Amino followed me with Intsa. I started wondering if what I'm about to post will get liked at all? Will Instagram's algorithm not fuck me over and recommend my post to other people? Before Insta got a bunch of updates, my post consistently get 40-100 likes which again felt good because more people are seeing it and liking it and sometimes they'll share it on their stories that'll also push people to view it.

But yeah..that didn't last long..now I'm worried that whenever I post, it's gonna flop..like really hard..

And the number of followers I have aren't a help either.. I have 500+ followers on Instagram but compare it to the number of likes I have now.. it's just sad.. I honestly sometimes think about removing a a bunch of people who follow who aren't even active on Instagram..and I did do that, like consistently until I got to 400+ followers at some point because I kept removing them. Now I still do that, but only to accounts who follow me because they think I'm gonna follow back. So yeah...

I know this all sounds like I'm upset because I'm not getting enough attention and I know how bad that makes me feel but it is how I feel..is it petty? Yes, absolutely. But is it valid for me to feel this way?

No.

So I kinda just decided to stay away from social media starting 2021. I'll post artwork but I'll turn off notifications so I don't get obsessed.

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stimpistolboost · 5 years

Text

Details - a GlazKan Fanfic

Tags: Timur "Glaz" Glazkov/Maxim "Kapkan" Basuda , Fluff , SFW , GlazKan , +1000 words

Word Count: 1,182

_____________________

Timur sat in silence, painting the picture. It contained a scene of darkness, lit with orange and scarlet strokes, simulating fire. He focused on the canvas before him, taking all of his emotions out on the artwork before him. Today's emotion of focus was anger. He just felt frustrated at the world today, and wanted to vent out his feelings through the bristles of his paintbrush. It annoyed him even further that he would constantly rub his eye since he was bothered so much, it only fueled his anger further. He was trying his best to be alone, not wanting to snap at Alexsandr, Shuhrat, and Maxim. Especially not Maxim.

He looked at the art piece, and groaned. He had even now became upset with the only thing that make him felt better. He just cleaned all of his brushes off, and lazily tossed them back into his little drawer, and let the easel sit there, the canvas sitting on it, and he stomped out of the room. He went to reach to open his room's door, but his face met with a soft, but firm frame, as he backed up and glanced towards who was standing before him, to see the face of Maxim, stoic as ever.

"What's the matter?" Maxim asked him, cocking an eyebrow. Timur looked him straight in the eyes. "It...it doesn't matter, don't worry about it, Maxim." Timur reassured lazily, and went to push past his friend, to enter his abode, but Maxim grabbed his shoulder firmly. "I know something's up when you stomp out of your little art room with a pouty face." He mused, a small grin on his face, trying to humor Timur a bit, in hopes to bring up his dreary mood.

"Oh, and how would you know that, Mr. Who-Knows-Me-So-Well?" Timur asked sassily, now glaring Maxim. Maxim leaned down to him, and looked him straight in the eyes. "Because snipers and hunters have a thing in common: we notice all the details." Maxim replied. Timur tried to think of a response that would make Maxim leave him alone, to just let him be in peace. But alas, he couldn't think of anything. Maxim grinned, knowing Timur was out of plans. He tugged the fellow Russian along, to the kitchen, and sat him down. Timur went to get up, but Maxim placed a firm hand on his shoulder, keeping Timur in place. He sighed in defeat, and stayed in the chair. Maxim grinned in triumph, and began to hum a Russian folk song as he made a sandwich for Timur. He figured that if he filled his grumpy artist tummy, that he wouldn't be so...well, grumpy.

"What do you want on it?" Maxim questioned, looking over his shoulder to Timur, who was slumping in his chair, pouting. "Mayo and mustard, please…" he mumbled. Maxim nodded, and put the top piece of bread to the side, and squirted on some mayo, and then, deciding to be a little funny, drew a smiley face with the mustard, and put the topping bread back on, and went over to Timur, and set the plate in front of him. "Eat up, darling." Maxim humored. Timur's cheeks dusted a light shade of pink, as he shot a sharp glare at Maxim, but proceeded to eat the sandwich. He noticed the odd pattern of the mustard. "Did you draw a smiley face with the mustard?" Timur asked, slightly muffled due to the bite of sandwich in his mouth. Maxim chuckled, as he made a sandwich for himself.

"And how did you notice that?" Maxim asked, a cheeky grin plastered on his face. Timur stared at him for a moment, and laughed a bit. "Like you said before, friend: an artist and a hunter notice details." Maxim sighed softly. "I could care less, I'm glad you're smiling. You should more often. It really suits you." He commented. Timur blushed more a shade of red this time, flustered a little by Maxim's comment. He brushed it off as a joke, since Maxim was, after all, a little comedian.

"Well, tell me what happened. What caused today's mood?" Maxim inquired, as he sat across from Timur, beginning to munch on his sandwich. Timur paused to think, and replied with a shrug. "Just one of those random moods people get. Like how people get sad out nowhere, with no cause." Maxim nodded, and took a bite. "Let me guess, painting didn't work in venting out your emotions?" Timur shook his head softly, letting out a huff of air. "Nope."

Maxim then set down his meal, and leaned forward, his nose almost touching Timur's which Maxim being so close made him feel a little awkward. "Maybe you're frustrated over someone, you just don't know who." Maxim suggested, and Timur scoffed. "Frustrated? Over someone? Who would I have quarrels with?" Maxim shook his head softly. "You're not getting my drift, friend. I meant you're frustrated because you might have feelings for someone." Timur never considered that for a moment. It seemed like an absurd proposition at first, but the more he thought about it, the more he made sense. Why else would he feel like he was more touch-starved lately? Why else would he have a craving for kisses, or sweet nothings whispered in his ear? But, even if then, who would he even have feelings for?

As much as he liked to pretend he didn't, he already knew the answer to the last question. He knew he loved Maxim. Maxim was always there for him, always at his side, holding him close when Timur got injured, or when Maxim always would take a bullet for him, and he'd be getting patched up, reassuring him that it was "only a few little scratches".

He heard faint snapping, as he should his head to find Maxim snapping his fingers in front of Timur's face. "Heeeeey, hey!" Maxim said firmly, and Timur snapped back to reality. "I think I might know who you're frustrated over." Maxim declared. Timur raised an eyebrow, curious to what Maxim theorized who his little crush was. "Me!" Maxim boasted, a hand on his chest, standing proudly. Timur snorted, trying not to laugh. "And why would I like you?" He asked, trying not to busy out laughing again. Maxim huffed, pretending to be offended for a moment. "Well, you always seem so warm towards me, I'm usually the one who makes you smile, annnnnd you're blushing." He listed off. Timur let out a soft squeak and turned his head away. However, Maxim grabbed the sniper by the chin, and turned his face back towards him, and placed his lips on Timur's softly. Timur didn't know how to react at first, but slowly melted into his, his lips moving in sync with his, Maxim and Timur's kiss one of lips moving together passionately, in sync.

Maxim soon pulled away for air, as Timur practically gasped for it, looking at Maxim, her face cherry red. Maxim smirked, and leaned closer to Timur, and whispered,

"A hunter always notices details, even the small ones."

#glaz #kapkan #timur glazkov #maxim basuda #fluff #sfw #+1000 words #r6s #r6s fanfic

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polygamyff · 4 years

Text

20. Part 3

Robyn ran her fingers through my hair when I pressed my lips against the curve of her neck “oh fuck” She bit back a mouthful of loud moans, gripping the bottom of her ass, I scooped her up and Robyn wrapped her legs around my waist. I moved my hands to her hips and continued to thrust inside of her. Her back hit the wall and Robyn trembled when I gazed into her eyes and pushed my dick in deep. She is so tight and wet around me, her slick walls were clenching and squeezing me. I held her up against the wall and furiously fucked her. Releasing all the tension “I fuckng love you” I sighed sucking down on her skin, Robyn let out a long gut wrenching scream when I bit down on her neck and spread her legs wide against the wall, thrusting into her harder “oh fuck Maurice.” Water is pouring down over us and Robyn’ screams filled the shower. My dick throbbed inside of her as I stroked in deep. Her eyes were rolling around in her head “fuck me” Robyn whimpered, my lips were lingering against her neck, licking her skin. Robyn’ head fell back and she clung to him as her body shook and trembled. I was pumping in and out of her so hard and fast that she could only pull on the roots of my hair when her orgasm hit her, she yelled at the top of her lungs. Crying out when her orgasm rocked through her. I continued to pump into her until I poured my seeds deep inside of her.

I slowed my strokes down almost completely, I still was holding Robyn against the shower wall and was now staring into her eyes. I felt a calming feeling wash through me, I felt relaxed,. Smiling, I gently kissed Robyn’ lips “Mhmmmm” Robyn groaned when I slipped out of her and set her on the shower floor “my legs, chile!” Robyn held onto my arm “can’t feel them?” I said with a smile “something like that, in that moment I didn’t care but now. But damn” she is funny “you look so cute, I like you like this” placing my hand on her stomach “like what?” she asked “chubby” Robyn’ head snapped in my direction “excuse me? I am fat?” frowning at her “no, chubby is cute. Like your cheeks are cute, I just want to bite them” Robyn gawked at me “so now I am fat? So I squashed you? Is that what you used the wall? You can’t carry me, I am just too fat” my eyes widened at the words Robyn is saying to me “I am fat to you?” shaking my head “no, you have a beautiful body” which she does, what is her problem “I will shower after, I am too fat for you” is she being real right now “seriously Robyn!?” watching Robyn walk out of the shower.

Wrapping the towel around my torso, Robyn really just walked out the shower like that, I didn’t think it was that bad. She is cute though, she has gained weight but it’s not a bad thing, I can still carry her “Robyn? Hear me out, I don’t think you’re fat, you have gained weight because you are pregnant, that is not a bad thing. I like it, you look cute” am I saying something wrong here, she is looking at me like she wants to beat me so bad “a bad thing? So wait a minute, my husband to be looks at me fat, no wonder you keep looking at me like I’m cute as shit, it’s not cute being fat and you made me feel insecure, just shut up” she pushed by me “and I don’t want you in the shower with me ever again until I have had this baby” she banged the door shut, blinking several times in confusion. That was so dramatic, I didn’t even do or say anything bad. Because I found her chubby and cute, that’s not a bad thing. Why are women like this, maybe I should have closed my mouth but it’s me. I love Robyn no matter her size, it’s not all about looks but she so happens to be very beautiful, just like her mom. I’ve ruined sex for the rest of the weekend now I guess, I don’t think I know how to speak to a female. I never really spent time with them as much, I had sex with him and then left. Naomi I didn’t care for, I don’t get it. It’s not a bad thing being fat, it’s just more to love.

Robyn is really not speaking to me, she is being so quiet. Eating breakfast is awkward too, Leon is just a staring at the both of us wondering what the hell is wrong “your hotel breakfast is nice” Leon said breaking the silence “it is, I am always eating doubles. Even though I’m not pregnant” this is so awkward “we all can’t be a stick insect” Robyn said, looking over at Robyn in utter shock “is that for me or him?” Leon asked “are you a stick insect?” Robyn is pissed “well no friend I’m not” Leon looked at me “what did you do?” He questioned me “I find that very offence, I am not a stick insect. That’s very upsetting to me” I ain’t offended at all “Leon, he called me fat and then thinks there is nothing wrong with it and then making stupid comments. You can really tell you do not know a hormonal woman, I feel like ripping your dick off, shut up” I should shut up “oh girl, you mad, mad. Damn! Less that twenty four hours and you both hate each other” sitting back in my chair “it’s not an argument, we had sex in the shower and all I said was chubby. Robyn’ cheeks have gone all cute and chubby and I told her that she looks cute, it’s not my fault she got offended. I don’t care for how big and small you are, god. It’s not that deep” Leon is cringing at me “I am gay and I am not that stupid to be talking about a pregnant female and they have gained, you’re actually stupid” rolling my eyes, this is just great. Malik did say for me to shut my mouth “I don’t want to hear your scrawny ass telling me I am fat when I am carrying your baby, seriously Maurice. You been doing that to me and I didn’t catch on, you find me fat and cute so fuck you” this is messed up.

Robyn sat across me and made sure she was away from me, apparently she didn’t want to sqaush me “Robyn, please. I am sorry, can we just overcome this and move on? I honestly cannot deal” I don’t want to argue or fall out with her, my phone started ringing “just take the phone call” Robyn said waving me off, answering my work phone “what’s up?” What has Malik done now “dad wanted to know where you are so I was like I don’t know, I acted mad stupid until dad said but he used the jet” I groaned out, of course he will check that “is that all he knows? I just took the jet? I swear I am going to go crazy on his ass. This jet is mine, why does he care” he just hates if I am lowkey or having time off “I don’t know but I thought I would let you know, so did she say yes?” I never told him “yeah bro, she said yes but she hates me now. She called me stick insect” I find that rude “please tell you didn’t call her cute and chubby!?” I chuckled “yes, but Malik it’s true! How can I lie?” Malik screamed out laughing “I cannot deal with you! Oh my god, just have a good time and shut your mouth negro. You mad rude” how is it rude when it’s the truth, I don’t get these people “whatever” disconnecting the call “I would like to spend some time with Leon and not you” Robyn got up from her seat “but baby, I am sorry. I didn’t mean it in a nasty way. I think it’s beautiful” Robyn huffed out turning on her heels, getting up from my seat “I love your curves, I love everything about you. Every mark, birth mark. Robyn I don’t care!” Robyn got me shouting in my hotel “you in the dog house” Leon ran by me.

I still think she is cute and chubby, I don’t care what she says. Her stubborn ass gone shopping or whatever and I was going to chase her but she needs time, she probably feels she needs to vent to Leon and that is fine. I can’t wait to lay on her booty, actually that will be on the jet cause we need to bounce soon. I was a little dramatic earlier, the whole hotel hearing me scream about loving curves. I think I will call my dad see what’s popping with him, he seems to want to stalk my ass and assume where I am at all the time so I might as well. Unlocking my phone, tapping my dad’ name. I have been ignoring my dad a hell of a lot and honestly my dad is just in London, he could come and see me so I need to check on the old man “the wonderer returns my calls” he is funny “I am just in Germany with Adam” I lied, I just want to raise his blood pressure “how are you liking that?” he asked “good, we plotting but anyways. You called, what is the issue?” seeing as his ass been trying to contact me, he can speak “I just think you are a little side tracked, you ran off. You have yet to get an assistant and also see your mom. She misses you Maurice, see her. So does your wife” he is starting that again “on paper, I said that already. Stop forcing shit, she don’t miss shit she never had dad. If you ain’t got nothing else to say then I am going” I have better things to do “wait, I read that you are wanting to open a complex of apartments in Atlanta and California. There is a lot of development happening” sighing out heavily “because I am taking shit that is mine, sit back and watch me” I ain’t leaving nothing alone.

Robyn took her damn time, placing the TV remote at the side of me “took your time thickums, like you don’t have work” Robyn’ bag flew straight at me but I was quick to move to the side before it hit me “I am not cute, chubby or fucking thickums. Shut up, you’re an asshole” she banged the bathroom door shut, I guess she is still angry. Shuffling off of the bed, she got some strength on her, she needs to hurry up because we need to go “Robyn, please stop this. I don’t get why you get offended, your body looks so beautiful” stood outside the bathroom door “if you think you ain’t sexy then you wrong, I get hard for you. I find your body the most beautiful piece of artwork known, your body is like Mona Lisa in the leagues of paintings. If that makes sense but I am just in awe with you, come on Robyn. All I want you to do is strangle me with your thighs, any woman would love this. Their man loving every inch of them, oh come on” the door got dragged open “you don’t say it to me again, I am so close to going crazy your ass, tell me you won’t say it again?” I guess I will say yes because we are in France but then going to America so it doesn’t because the promise was made here “I won’t say it again, come on. You know you are so beautiful” Robyn hit my hand away “still hate you, you’re actually annoying. You really think I am just going to get over the fact you called me fat?” women are crazy “I said chubby, like cute chubby. Chubster” Robyn hit my chest, she was going to hit my chest again but I gripped her arms “you’re so cute angry, I love you and please get ready we need to go” getting all angry at me when she is that cute.

#chrianna #chrianna ff #fanfic #fanfiction

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musashi · 5 years

Note

why'd you stop talking to velv//etvi//olence

ooooh this is the kinda spicy invasive drunk ask i love lmao

the timeline is like....... god i need to really fucking remember, ok so

so i saw her in the pokeani tag and was like oh she seems chill, invited her to my rocket server, everything seemed mostly alright but she had this tendency to like, dominate conversation that i think i was sympathetic to because i also do that without trying. she cut me a lot of times (usually by interrupting me mid-sentence or just like. changing the topic when i was infodumping) which kinda sucked but i didn’t rly think much of it at the time

i think at one point i did get kinda upset w her a few times but i mostly kept it to myself, we talked it out once and she was pretty chill and i was like cool. that’s the only time i can ever really remember it like, even coming close to conflict.

but then she just kinda disappeared from my life. she left my server, stopped following me, stopped interacting with me. i have abandonment issues like woah but i tried to like. get over myself i guess? cause i rly liked being friends with her. but seeing her on my dash all the time (i was still following her cause... friend? idk) was starting to weigh on me. at some point she started interacting hardcore with another rocketblogger who was just really mean to me out of the blue

(tothestarsabove/fairy-feather, who basically hardblocked me and when i asked why said it was because i was an elitist dsfgsdf.... when i asked them what they meant they basically cited how i don’t like genwunners. which, like, whatever i guess, if hating genwunners & gatekeepers makes me an elitist then cool, ill get that word tattooed, fuck you & ur celebrating of negativity)

and so i unfollowed her because shit just got too painful. around that time she went on a vagueblogging spree where she basically implied that i “drove her out of the pokeani fandom” and i vagueblogged right back because like... wtf dude. in the time since i’d stopped talking to her, i found out she made a NUMBER of my friends wildly uncomfortable--a lot of them felt talked over and made smaller whenever she’d get online, and several of them cited instances to me where she’d literally just backhandedly insult them and pretend it was friendly or constructive criticism. we started combing through reviews she’d left on our fics, and found that a lot of these reviews were just, like... her talking about herself, and her opinions, and then leaving some subtle sneering comment and saying NOTHING good about the artwork. the only person she didn’t do this to was me, the most outspoken and confident of all of us. it was... weirdly predatory. one of my friends in particular confided to me that whenever she would get online, they would leave the chat, cause her mere presence made them feel like utter shit.

a little while after i made my vagueblog abt rachel she was creeping on my blog like she does and she saw some art i drew of me & a friend (one of the aforementioned friends who was in the chat w/ us) and she literally SENT THAT FRIEND A MESSAGE UNSOLITICED, OUT OF NOWHERE, that just said ‘are you and madi dating?’

this made me livid, for a number of reasons, like

1. she insists on using the name madi. people in bad graces with me LOVE doing this. they KNOW that name is reserved for my close friends, they KNOW i do NOT allow people to use it unless they have earned it. they always go out of their way to disrespect me by using it. ALWAYS. it is such a subtle way to insult me.

2. the picture i drew with this friend was completely platonic. it was me and my closest canonmate, dressed in our kintype’s outfits. in the description, i talked about how happy i was to know this friend, to have met them again. it was like, romantic in a poetic sense, but it was nothing i would not say to any other close friend, regardless of gender. the words were just, like, sweet and purple? like most of my words are?

when u consider these facts, the statement ‘are you and madi dating?’ is incredibly fucking gross. what grounds does she have to fucking ask something like that 1. to someone she hasn;t SPOKEN to in months and 2. to someone minding their own business just trying to move on from the terrible fucking experience of knowing her? like, i’m gonna be fucking blunt: it was lesbophobic. it was MAJORLY lesbophobic. one of the most COMMON stereotypes about lesbians is that we prey on women. she saw a lesbian write a sweet message for a close female friend, and she could not POSSIBLY comprehend the idea of a lesbian NOT jumping said friends’ bones. her immediate assumption was that we HAD to be dating.

not to mention, she more or less circumvented the fact that i blocked her by sending this message to a former friend of hers who DIDN’T. and when said friend sent me a screenshot of this message, like “holy shit, can you believe she SAID this?” rightfully appalled, she tried to guilt trip this friend ( “how could you? why would you screencap that? i trusted you!” )

the more i’ve distanced myself from her the more i realize i agree with my friends. she was incredibly mean to me and she made me feel small and afraid to speak up. her defense for this is that i ‘constantly vagueblogged’ about her which is absolute bullshit. she even told me herself that she had anxiety and ‘automatically assumed every single subtweet’ was about her. to this day, she sticks to this story. that i vagueblogged about my friend, even though i’ve never ever since my YOUTH vented about a friend in a public place where they might see it, where it might hurt them. she didn’t even upset me enough when we were friends to warrant that, all the vagueblogging came long after she left my life.

anyways when i called her on this she had the audacity to say she wasn’t a raging lesbophobe. as if she has a right to speak over a lesbian on what is and isn’t dykephobia. she’s not a lesbian. she lost the argument before she opened her mouth.

anyways her fic fucking sucks and she writes the most ooc jessie i have ever SEEN and is probably fandomhopping as we speak but yeah girl is made of red flags and reeks of potential abuser and every time i think about her i really fucking feel like i dodged a bullet. stop reblogging her shit and supporting her. it was a mistake for me to be her friend and a mistake for me to keep her around for so long. i possess immeasurable guilt for exposing half of my closest, kindest friends to her knowing the damage she has done to some of them. i can never fuckin get that time back.

#n0 rebl0gs #wendy rants #Anonymous #wendy answers

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milomeepit · 6 years

Text

Okay, I'm just gonna spit this out, not edit, and never look back. Here we go.

I am not okay. I am very not okay and I have not been in a while. There are times when I seem okay- when things seem great, even!- like this past weekend, which I spent with my lovely, amazing QPP.

I have been okay before. I will be okay later. I am aware of this. But I am not okay.

I am stressed. Angry. Sad. I feel like I don't matter a lot of the time. That I am here for other people. That I need to be doing things to help other people, to prove that I deserve to be here.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not real. Like I'm sitting here and the people I talk to aren't real. I feel like I don't have emotions. Like I don't actually care, I'm just faking it. I feel guilty for this. Do I actually care? About anything?

There are times when I can feel these same people and think, "Yes. This is my friend. This is my person. This is a person I know. I have these feelings towards them. They matter to me."

I feel like I'm made of wood. Like a puppet. And I want to burn it. Let flames strip away the shiny paint that everyone cooes at ("Wow! I love your writing!" "Your art is so good!" "Gosh, you're so nice!") and turn it all to smoke and ash and embers.

Sometimes I want to rip my heart out of my chest because it aches how much I can't hug my datemates and boop their nose and kiss their cheeks and tell them all the sweet things that run through my mind on the good days.

Sometimes I open the chat window and stare at it and feel sick because I can't think of anything to say- but I need to say something because we haven't spoken in a week and I don't want to hurt them by ignoring them.

A lot of the time I throw myself into rps and stories because it's easier to pretend to be someone else. Let another character or person's thoughts and feelings take the reins until Milo washes away and all that's left is Lola or Ira or Grace or Pandora or Lori or Alessa or one of the Sides.

Sometimes, much more often than I am comfortable admitting, I just crave rage. Complete and utter blinding rage. Sometimes I want to argue and debate and systematically rip someone to shreds and tear down their arguments. Other times I want to punch things and break dishes. Throw chairs through windows. I want to grab someone's hair and feel my teeth get knocked loose and scream. I want to feel adrenaline. Hurt someone. Get a black eye and broken nose, winded, cracked ribs, bruises staining me black and blue and purple and yellow.

Sometimes I can cover that up with an extra layer of sugary sweetness and loud music, block out the screeching, ignore my twitching, chain up my emotions, and those are the days when that's okay and I seem okay.

I'm not always Happy Pappy Fanders Ren Milo who bakes cookies and writes cute fluff, we've covered that several times. And I'm not always Insecure Self Depricating Milo who forces herself to take care of other people as a coping mechanism. Sometimes I'm Milo. Milo who has too many emotions all at once and can't shut up the screaming in her head confusing her. Milo who doesn't understand why she wants to rip someone's hair out and get a fat lip, and she is so fucking scared of that.

I don't know what my aim is with this. Validation? Advice? Comfort? I guess I wanted to drop this where people can't really ignore it. I've put a couple of posts in the Anxiety's Room tag about this tonight and gotten an offer of a hug, which I do appreciate, but... I just... I know there are a lot of people who follow me. Almost 2000, in fact, which is insane. But... even the people who can read these posts. Who do stop and look at my distressed ramblings in tags. I get maybe 3 or 4 likes on a vent post. An offer of a hug. That's it. So, I guess I'm a little salty that even though so many people squawk at me that I'm a Big Blog, I still get ignored. If it isn't a cute artwork or meme, it's just... glossed over?

I want to be noticed. I want to shatter this 'Milo is just a sweet anxious depressed bby' thing. Yeah, I am anxious and depressed and upset, but... there's more to it than that. I am a very, very angry person. I am a terrified person. I am a person who has been raped, and hit, and cut, and burned, and starved, and called terrible, awful things that stay in my head to this day.

I'm not a cute pet project that heart emojis and internet hugs is going to fix. I get the sentiment behind a lot of it, and I'm not asking you guys to be my therapists. But... I want to be acknowledged, god damn it. I feel like... I can't show this to people. Very few people have heard anything at all about what I've mentioned in this post. But I'm sick of tightening my belt and holding in everything. Strangling myself so I don't say the wrong thing and break the pretty picture so many people have of me and upset them. I never asked to get followers or people who call themselves my fans- which is insane to me, honestly- I just wanted to write my stuff with no pressure and do my own thing.

I'm not okay. I have not been okay in a long time. I'm working on it. But I would appreciate a little more room to breathe. I love you guys.

#psa #rambles #violence mention #vent #anxiety's room #fandom politics sorta #i am very tired and very sad and very very angry

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latinalesbi · 6 years

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Why do you think Teri's voice cracked like that ? Especially as well as it did , since that was acting ? It was cracked in Honeymoon when (she) woke up with Lena , but it was nothing like this time around .

I think she lost her voice due to illness or work. It just depends when during the shoot that scene was shot. I think when she raised her voice it was more noticeable.

It reminds of the first wedding episode and in HD you can see a scar on her chin but only on some scenes.

Anonymous said: Since Ximena kissed Callie, I would like to see how she feels about it. Did she like it or feel anything ? She didn't seem to not like it but she didn't really react.

Reading the scene, Callie didn’t respond. That doesn’t mean it won’t happen but there are reasons I believe she won’t respond to her feelings. But who knows? I do feel like there’s a bit of replacing the old ladies with young ones. And you know lesbians will respond to that because they are just as ageist as anyone else. And Racist.

Anonymous said: wow i can’t believe you know EVERYTHING that happened behind the scenes!!!! you’re just sooooooooo knowledgeable!!!!!! also teri didn’t unfollow the cast you just love drama and anything that proves your stupid points. kinda like donald trump

I’ll just let this sit here. It speaks for itself. I also lost 2 troll post in a crash and it makes me sad. Also, lol about Teri. Talk about fake news my friend.

Anonymous said: Yeah I saw that too. They directly asked if Teri was in the summer series and he deflected the question. Eek!

Are they shooting the show right now? Joanna said they are. Maybe they’re going to scatter the stars and only some people are shooting. Who knows. Cierra already said everyone would be there. Hayden is a troll, usually.

Anonymous said: While I enjoyed the ending scene in bed, it seemed incomplete. Thoughts?

I felt like there might have been some cuts. I mean they had really excellent screen time but most of it was apart. So they might have cut their scenes together of course. My biggest problem was how brief it was and the weird angles on it. I think it was to increase the anxiety but it left me wanting.

Anonymous said: You said „Teri is shooting“ how do you know that?! And do they not start this week or next week with the 3 episode thing?!

Joanna said they already did start. It might be that they are shooting all 3 eps concurrently and only some people are working right now. I mean, I believe Joanna over Hayden. https://twitter.com/JoannaJohnson31/status/953798613703974912

and she also said that the moms would play an important part in those 3 eps so... https://twitter.com/JoannaJohnson31/status/953828047370600449

I am honestly not worried about it. Teri will be in it.

Anonymous said: I mean there was a lot of stef and lena in this episode but not together. Ugh!! but the last scene tho. Broke my heart. Wish it was longer..

Yes to all that. If a lesbian can’t get a nice kiss in a birthday episode. I just don’t know. I get Stef was stressed, but lena has been noticing this, it was more important that she make a nice gesture.

Anonymous said: Maia is doing damage limitation, which I understand they got called out on their bullshit and are not enjoying the heat. It doesn’t matter when they found out they still blindsided the rest of the cast with the spin off. No one knew. Teri is obviously angry. Why did she unfollow you Maia? As for the episode i adore Stef, Teri was amazing. The scene at the end was beautiful. As for the party, awful! Finally, Callie- dear god is there anything that girl won’t experience, but it is the Calli show.

That’s exactly it. Damage control. There was a clear blindside. Sherri is to me the fairest person. And she was still tweeting out to renew the fosters in January. Imagine thinking you had a chance when 2 of your cast mates already know it’s done and are making side deals for a spin off. Seems wrong, really wrong.

I want to know, is there anyone who won’t fall for bland ass Callie? So ridiculous.

Anonymous said: I know people are praising Mariana for being independent and playing off the three guys at the same time...but actually, I don't think it's right. If a guy was playing me with 3 girls I would be pissed off. You don't need to play 3 guys in order to be a strong independent female

It’s not my kind of empowerment. There are some behaviors that one shouldn’t imitate, just because those in power behave that way.

Anonymous said: I don't understand how out of all the characters to go on the spin off, they choose Aaron?? Like transgender representation is important, but it almost feels like they just want Callie and Aaron together to be "ground breaking" despite it not being a healthy relationship. Like what about Cole??? That would have been so cute. But this whole spin off is such a sell out and it angers me!

We don’t know for sure but I wouldn’t be surprised. Aaron is an ass. He is a canonnical controlling bf. Girls beware and stay away from guys like that. Cole would have been sooo much better.

Anonymous said: I wish AJ had more of a part in Ximena's storyline. He was a part of it in the first half of the season as he attended one of the protests and supported Callie and Ximena in the prom episode, and the episode after that. But all of a sudden he's not a part of it and Aaron's taking his place. I have a feeling it's because they're preparing for AJ to leave, since Tom is living in England. But I like it when AJ is a part of it because his interest always seems more genuine than Aaron's.

I think the actor chose to go with a surer type of envirornment but unfortunately we lost out. AJ should be the one involved. Aj always got callie, plus he gets that foster kid side of her.

Anonymous said: Im starting to feel like jude will be the third star. Do u think David sold them out too? I hope not becuse i really like his personality.

I don’t think any star signing now would be selling out. The part that hurts is that signing that spin off played directly into cancellation and we just can’t know the timing. Plus, it was done behind people’s back. That’s the selling out and betrayal. The show is happening now, no matter who else participates. So either of these two joining would not really be selling out. I wouldn’t like them for doing it, but it’s not the level of betrayal the 2 girls showed.

Anonymous said: Clearly Stef's blow up at Jenna has to do with guilt about stupid Mike right? I don't care about that storyline one bit. Fuck Mike and that guilt. Ugh I hate this show so much.

Yep, that’s exactly part of it. It’s also her job, that job is stress inducing. It’s too much for Stef, she has too much heart. With Lena making more money, maybe she’ll go back to being a beat cop. or maybe she can work in homicide. Stef is too much of a mom to stay in sex trafficking.

Anonymous said: Of course Sherri and Teri work together the best but some of Maia best acting is with Teri and Sherri. Sadly we don’t really get that anymore.

Mariana/Lena ain’t bad either.

Anonymous said: The two older women of the cast are now out of work whilst the young folk get to continue, of course many of us are upset. They’ve been dumped without a second thought, when they were and still are the heartbeat of the show. If people do not like the comments on your page, simple just don’t come on here. Many of us are grateful to you that we can vent somewhere.

Thank you. I am glad it’s useful and cathartic. I am not sure why they would dump these wonderful women. And I am not sure how they can go back on, there’s no the fosters without Sherri and Teri. And people can just accept that and not look back. Woo hoo, people have no integrity. I hold people to their word, even when it’s hard (I sound like Lena).

Anonymous said: Why did Teri unfollow you Bradley, Peter, Cierra, Maia? That should be the question they get asked until the answer. Won’t be able to spin that one!!

I wouldn’t want more drama for Teri. I think we all know what it means. And they know what it means. The ones that can’t are the ones that think everything is honky dory. You see I have someone who is still in denial about this fact. Teri unfollowed these people, this is a fact.

Anonymous said: God it’s sad it’s all ending like this. Bradley doesn’t give a shit. Peter and Joanna I think do, I hope. As for the two girls, I hope someone asks them about Sherri and Teri. Make them address it. I’ve no problem them furthering their careers but they negotiated behind the backs of their fellow cast members, and now instead of being sensitive to the fans feelings they are talking up their new show before the old one, that made them is even over! That’s what I’m pissed about!

Those girls are all about how stef and lena are their favorite and they have their favorite scenes. Bullshit. And yes, the worst thing is that they haven’t even buried the show and they’re already pissing on it. Every single promo from now on will be about Callie or Mariana. It’s gross. They had to take them out of the artwork for the show. Why? Just be hurtful.

Anonymous said: okay, so i just happened to be clicking through channels and inadvertently landed on the movie that's playing on ff right now - the fosters is next. guess what? they've played two commercials for the show and both of them were *old* promos for the season premiere, saying "the farewell season begins tonight". they can't even be bothered to play the right commercial for tonight's episode, apparently. they aren't even pretending to try anymore.

That’s really sad. They can’t bother to pay an editor to put some non spoilery scenes together.

#i ain't shutting up #block at will #Anonymous

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furvillaconfessions · 6 years

Text

I'm not going to post this anonymously because it doesn't really matter. I just need to vent and I would like people to hear what happened, besides, NoctisEternal is going to know who this is anyways.

Wow, so first of all, I don't want anyone harassing Noctis because of this shit. You're allowed to be upset about her thread, you're allowed to not give a damn about her thread, you're even allowed to think I'm stupid and want to get back at me, but what happened in pms was private and the whole world doesn't need to know. I only told a small group of people the details of what happened, so if you're on that list, I'm going to know who you were. Did she handle it well? Fuck no. Do I think it was shitty that they said something asinine to me and then blocked me so I couldn't respond? Fuck yeah I do. However, what happened in pms happened between me and them, so if I spoke with you about it, it's because I needed to vent. As a person with ptsd, the fight reflex takes a very long time to turn off, so I need to vent when I have altercations like these, especially when the person up and blocks me and it can't be settled.

Should I have just joined and given items and art anyways? Yeah, I probably could have. I have plenty items and FC that I could have gifted. However, I just don't think it very fair that art be completely and totally devalued as if to say that giving art as a gift isn't good enough. I feel like it would have been better if the art held some percentage of value based on the level of detail it held (i.e., sketch, line art, full color, etc.) regardless of skill level so it wouldn't have had to have been judged by skill level. There could have possibly even been a rule to say that if you give art, you have to give one FV item too. If you personally don't see how there was a problem with her counting art as a zero value item, I can't agree with you, but I won't spend the time to try to change your mind. I would have been delighted to get artwork from anyone as a gift, even if it was a crayon drawing taken with a phone camera, but I realize I'm not everyone.

That whole Secret Santa thing felt more to me like it was for people who want to get gifts instead of give gifts anyways. Noctis themselves even said that most of the people that joined didn't want artwork, so I guess I had no part in it to begin with. The tiers for her Secret Santa (tiers should have been a red flag for me to stay away from it) were set at 50k FC, 100k FC, 250k FC and 500k FC. Right now, 50K FC on FV is about 80 cents USD. 500K FC is about $8 USD. I honestly don't see how artwork couldn't have been included within that value range or only included at certain levels. I was looking to join because I was disappointed that I couldn't find a Secret Santa art trade, but that's not what this was. This was more of glorified mass item trade.

I didn't tell Noctis this in the pms, but I wasn't just messaging for myself. Someone came to me first, telling me that they were upset about this situation because they were new to FV and couldn't join the Secret Santa event with art alone (and they were a great artist too, holy crap). That's why I got up and arms in the situation. I lied and said it was just me, because I didn't want them to get in the shit for saying something. I can't help being a martyr. I'm a sucker for it. When I get overly zealous like that, defending people for the sake of defending people, my head gets messed up. However in my opinion, that doesn't excuse how Noctis handled it either. If Noctis genuinely didn't mean to devalue the work artists do, then I believe she should have seriously reworded her post, as several people were upset about it, not just myself. It's quite possible that it's been reworded or reiterated since then, but previously it was not very well explained.

Just don't go harassing her or smearing her for a problem that didn't involve you. That makes you worse than both me and Noctis combined in this situation.

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clovercoin · 7 years

Note

isn't the issue with fetishizing chronic illness just as bad as the thing with stimmies?

THIS IS A VERY GOOD POINT! It’s time for critical thinking with AJ.

AJ, why do you have a stick up your butt about this? Why did seeing Menhera style anime artwork upset you?

(TLDR Version at the bottom of the post.)

I’m not sure where to place my emotions. It was mostly a general confusion of, “Who are these people? What gives them the right to make a fashion statement out of my misery and the illnesses that have quite literally ripped my life from me?” Now you see that and you gotta take a step back.

It’s something I had been stewing on for a bit now. So the longer I went without addressing it or talking about it, more angry I seemed to get about it. Finally the other day I saw it mentioned again as adoptable style and it just made me burn up to the point I made that vent post, great thing I did!

My friend @follyface was extremely kind to leave a comment just kinda help explain it further since it was a lot of her personal interests and she’s been my follower, and i hers, for a long time now. This wasn’t just some RANDOM person, this was another person I knew and saw around on a daily basis. So obviously I’m a lot more motivated to hear her out. You know how when discourse happens, the person who starts it tends to just put their fingers in their ears until they’re done pouting about it. Sometimes it’s hours, days, or waaaay longer. I’m just grateful for me it actually flipped pretty quickly just by talking to folly!

What also helped immensely were other bloggers who reblogged and commented on it to help kinda give more information as to how it became a thing, who uses it, why it’s in use. yaddaya. You know, the whole picture. Not just my gross assumption of, “Why the hell are pretty skinny white girls using my illnesses/disability as a fashion trend?”

I was absolutely wrong. It was an ignorant statement that was just festering misunderstanding and honest? I know better than this. I think I’m emotionally raw and angry right now just because I’m so sick. But that doesn’t give me the right to make those broad statements using harsher tones that could hurt my friends who enjoy that content, or even worse, if my disabled/spoonie followers who saw my statement who very much adore Menhera and use it to make themselves feel better about their own skin and illnesses. I never once even took that into consideration and that was wrong of me.

I know it comes too late possibly, I do want to make more a broad apology to my followers who possibly were hurt by my venting. I won’t remove the posts because I personally believe the content that follows it up is extremely helpful and knowledgeable. It sure showed me, maybe it will show someone else too?

So AJ, what are you going to do differently?

Well… I’m personally going to try to be a lot more open minded to Menhera aesthetic. I personally am not sure how I feel about it, it’s very mixed for me. I know I love seeing spoonies deck out their mobility aids, make charms or accessories representing and helping spread the word about illnesses that affect millions of people. So why can’t I feel that jump start of excitement and positivity for Menhera… I think all this means is I clearly need to research more. I like cutie-fying things, so it only makes sense that this should be something I would enjoy… hmm. Folly has been wonderful and suggested some blogs that I might personally enjoy. If you peepers have any spoonie/disabled blogs that are menhera blogs I do politely ask if anyone would be open to sharing them with me and help me get more accustomed to see it around and understanding it much better. Obv no one here has to help me one or is expected too. I can research and look on my own too and I plan too! I just would love to see other’s personal interested blogs I guess if nothing else. c:

Okay, so what about the stimmies? Why did that subject twist your nipples so bad? You reacted the complete opposite of Menhera?????

BECAUSE AJ IS A HYPOCRITE. REMEMBER THAT. This is an amazing point to bring up anon! Thank you! This is not something I even REMOTELY considered relatable to Menhera, but… that’s… dumb. Of course it’s just like Menhera subject. What in the world makes them any different from each other? all the same subjects crop up.

“This person is fetishizing disabled/autistic people!”

“Are they even disabled/autistic? :/”

“They are making a profit off of disabled/autistic and that’s gross.”

These are all vague/rough statements I saw around Stimmies and my own first thoughts on Menhera. I had an argument for every single one when it was about stimmies, but the minute it was Menhera? I was on the other side of the argument saying, “HEY STOP THAT.” But you know what? That’d not right. I have NO place to tell, even when venting to myself, to do or not do something. Ever.

+ I think I reacted so much to everyone shit slinging cinnabutt for making stimmies for their own enjoyment was because all the insults they tossed at her? Honestly felt like they could just be directed at me too. I made pillowings as a comfort character for myself. I took me 5-6 years before I ever had the courage to try releasing them to the public as adoptables even though people had been asking me ever since I drew missy, the first blue one.

This was my personal aid character. It was made very specifically for me and making me feel better, loved, and not alone. Slowly as I started to open up about my illness and get some of the support I needed, I realized I could give some back. After all this time, pillowing adoptables became a big thing. They sold well, got lots of attention, help pay for all my medical debts when they came up. It was amazing eye-opening experience for me.

To me, pillowings are my personal stim species. I stim constantly in various ways and that has had a huge negative impact my entire life. So when I saw people openly talking about stimming and making adorable squishy creatures that looked so CUTE and beautiful it took me by surprise. “Stimming isn’t pretty…” I was so confused by it. But I loved it all the time. It was so easy to relate too and I could literally imagine myself squishing a rice-filled paws of pillowings, or pulling/stretching a gummy character as it squeaks and smiles batting at your hands playfully…. It… made me really happy to see it. To think that maybe my random erratic movements aren’t just ugly and annoying. That my skin CRAVING scratching wasn’t just gross or weird. Just.. It made me feel nice. Not normal, but nice. It was even nicer to see so many other people relating to them and liking them as well. That’s exactly how I feel about the stimmies and pillowings because to me they are very much on the same playing field I just happened to give my pillowings a different name rather than something as direct as stimmies.

So many people are still upset about it though. Honestly? I get it now. I’m sorry I was rude before about the stimmies subject if anyone felt I was abrasive on @closedspeciesdrama when I would leave comments or such. I see why it makes some people anxious because I literally just had this same thing happen to me and this Menhera gimmick.

However I think we all need to kinda… step back. We need to examine why exactly does this upset us? Why does this make us angry or hurt? “I bet the person isn’t even disabled/sick/autistic…” This was my first thought too. However we need to fuck off with that thinking. Why? Because no one is EVER obligated to share such deep personal / medical information with you or ANYONE. Invisible illnesses are extremely complicated and hard to deal with. Even in the communities of support things like this still happen. Someone will made a rude comment or assumption that someone isn’t as “sick” as they say they are cause of how we see them on a public platform.

Doesn’t matter if all the girls I saw in my very brief google of Menhera are white, skinny, or pretty. They could be sick, they could be disabled, they could just be allies. I have no idea and it’s not my place to rain on their parades because I don’t know or I’m making assumptions about these peoples by only looking at them for .5 seconds. It’s the exact same thing with stimmies. You have no idea who is making them/adopting them and you don’t know why they are. They are not required to give you an explanation as to why this particular thing makes them happy. If they do? Wonderful, kudos to them. But no one ever should be forced to do that.

As for making a profit off of disabled people/autistic people… Everyone deserves to be paid for their time and energy they use to create something new. Be it wonderful or not. If no one buys it, then the creator most likely will move on to their next phase. If people buy it, clearly that means there are people out there, like myself, who need to see things like that in a creative and positive light. That’s how I see it. Don’t like it? Don’t buy it. Plain and simple.

TLDR VERSION:

AJ was wrong for being so quick to judge rudely of Menhera fashion culture/aesthetics. AJ needs to research more on Menhera culture itself to help her understand it better.

Stimmies are great. Representation matters.

Don’t ask people for personal/medical info if it’s not freely given.

PAY ARTISTS IF YOU LIKE THEIR CONTENT.

That’s all. ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

#menhera #csdrama #cinnabutt #stimmies #stim #stimming #chronic illness #chronic pain #disabled #spoonie #spoonies #mental illness #Anonymous #AJask

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surveys-at-your-service · 7 years

Text

Survey #54

“girls are not supposed to fight dirty, never look a day past 30.”

have you ever witnessed a birth? for humans, no, but cats, yes. do you buy eggnog around the holidays? this was the first year i tried it. fucking gross. do you know any one who lives in california? no friends, but i mean i've "met" some people online who live there. have you ever been told you were a good writer? that's one of the most common compliments i get. have you ever been on a farm? yes. ashley had a friend who lived at one. what are you listening to? "girls" by marina and the diamonds. i love her voice so much. are you one to take naps? every day, yeah. makes me feel lazy occasionally, but then i remind myself naps are good for you. did you ever have braces? for too long, yes. i had them so long that my bottom teeth went in too far; we couldn't afford to take them out. thank god they're gone now. how often do you drink monster? never. i don't like it. are you easy to get along with? if you're understanding, then i honestly think i am. i'm very tolerant of different people and try to keep my mind open. i'm just going to be quiet. is there someone you want to let go of? yes and no. i feel both emotions towards jason. who was the last person to have to deal with you having an attitude? my mother, i'm sure. have you ever suspected anyone of cheating on you? nope. does your bedroom door lock? yeah. the last time you washed your hair, did you use conditioner? i never use conditioner. it adds oil back into your hair. has your partner ever accused you of cheating when you actually didn’t? no. how old were you when you had your first kiss? the first time a boy kissed me, i think i was 15? first time i kissed a boy, i was 16, i think. if I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? metallica, please! would you ever get into a long distance relationship? i mean i guess if i really liked the person. for your birthday, what kind of cake do you ask for? doughnut cake from annie's. would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? carve pumpkins! do you believe in fairies? nope. if you were given the chance to be immortal, would you take it? NO. what are you tired of people telling you? that shit will get better. you don't know that. some people don't get happy endings, that's just life. do you have a little sister? what’s her name? nicole, yes. when you graduate, what color will your gown be? when i graduated, it was an ugly red. when you were a baby, did you have a favorite blanket? yes. it had baby animals all over it. have you ever gotten detention? yes, for too many tardies. why do you hate your ex? who says i hate him? do you like the color orange? yup. whose hoodie did you wear last? my own. it has pikachu sleeping on it and says "current mood." it's super cute. do you think that you’re good enough for the one you like? if i'm being rational, yes. if i let my depression and whatnot make the decision, no. what was the last game you won? probably a replay of a "silent hill" game. what is your favorite thing about concerts? THE HYPE. the sheer excitement of everyone enjoying music is otherworldly. what is the last album you listened to all the way through? ozzy's "black rain" i think. what is an unpopular opinion that you have? abortion is murder, period. do you prefer space, nude, architecture, or nature photographs? nature what was the last concert you went to? one and only concert i've ever been to was alice cooper. describe your wallet: it's red, black, and white with multiple artworks of harley quinn. describe your tattoos: my first was a semicolon butterfly. second was "perfectly flawed" (reference to an otep song). third was "ohana" and half of a heart. describe your piercings: two in each earlobe, right tragus, left cartilage, right side of nose. what do you like most about your body? uhhhh. i am not fond of my body. i guess i like my slim wrists and long, slim fingers. how many fillings do you have? hell if i know. describe your fashion: if i had the money (and permission from my mother, as she buys my clothes, rip) i would absolutely dress gothic. it's my aesthetic, big time. gothic clothes just tend to be very expensive. i also love graphic tees, and in general tend to look geekish. do you wear a watch? nope. are you a vegetarian? no. do you think meat is murder? i mean, technically, yeah, but at the same time, i don't think it's wrong. your view on drinking: do it responsibly, and we're fine. your view on pornography: fucking gross. your view on pre-marital sex: i really don't know anymore?? i was and i guess i still am abstinent, but i question it. like the main reason i'm abstinent is because of religious reasons, but after all, half the old testament was forgiven by jesus' coming, yada yada yada, it may not even be "wrong" anymore. besides that, i just really, really love(d) jason. now i'm going to regret for the rest of my life the fact i didn't let him fully get to know me in every way possible. if he, by some god-given miracle, comes back, i'm leaving my abstinence at my feet. whether it's wrong or right. because i'll sin for that man. have you ever slept in a water bed? yeah. how do you feel about having sex during your menstrual period? i personally wouldn't. sounds messy. how do you feel about anal sex? ew. does your ex have a job? yup. share 3 nice memories you have of the person you fell hardest for. OH MY GOD, only three? i'll try to narrow it down to the best, this may take awhile. 1.) dancing in the headlights of his car in my front yard to "stairway to heaven" 2.) me storming into his kitchen to playfully tell him off, only to slide on the floor and land on my ass; we laughed/sobbed for like ten minutes 3.) us lying on his floor, binge-watching "supernatural" while he was moving into his new room, and it ended in him seeing me naked for the first time and still treating me like i was beautiful. tell me about the person you had your first kiss with. how do you feel about that person now? you want a novel, fam? how old were you when you entered your first relationship? idk the age, i just know i was in the 7th grade. are there any songs you can’t listen to because they remind you of someone/something? yup. do you have a tumblr crush? nah. have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment? no, and though i don't judge people who do worry about commitment (jason was at the beginning of our relationship when i asked him what his biggest fear was), i don't understand it. like... it's not a hard concept. don't commit, ex. get married to a person, if you see any potential issue. has anyone of the opposite sex seen you at your worst? yep. would you live with someone without marrying them first? i have before, and i'd do it again. do you believe your most recent ex still thinks about you? i honestly don't know. it'd be nice, but i don't know if he truly does. have you ever kissed someone while they were driving? jesus christ do i want to die? what would you do if your best friend went after your ex the day after you split? LMAAOOOOOO DON'T. have you ever self harmed? yup. do you have a birthmark? if so, where? actually no, i think. were your parents married when you were born? yeah. when you need to vent, who do you turn to? mom, usually. do you get a lot of tourists in the area where you live? if so, are there more tourists during a particular time of the year? i don't think i've EVER seen someone obviously a tourist here, because this part of north carolina ain't shit??? what's the strangest or most interesting compliment you've ever received? hm, not entirely sure. when you're upset, do you tend to make rash decisions? YUP. do you prefer to shop online or in an actual store, and why? online, definitely. i just tend to find more variety. do you enjoy watching vlogs? if so, are there any specific people or topics you enjoy watching in particular? yeah, they're all right. like when pokemon go came out, i particularly got interested in three vlogers of the subject (trainer tips, ali-a, and lachlan). pretty sure there are other vlogers i watch occasionally, i'm not sure... what was the last new video game you were excited about? THE LAST GUARDIAN OMG what band/singer do you listen to the most? i mean it really does depend on my mood and if i've discovered a new artist or not. what’s your favorite quote? i have SO MANY. i guess i can pick one that applies most/means most to me, though: "harleen, what did he tell you?" "he said he loved me" from suicide squad. i nearly broke down in the theater when she said that 'cuz if that ain't me like holy shit. a very simple quote, but it carries SO MUCH WEIGHT. have you ever dated someone that was a different race than you? for less than a day, if you even count him. how old is your best friend? 21. do you like writing papers for english classes? i honestly didn't mind it. give me a subject, and i can usually write, hunny. don’t edited versions of songs annoy you? they tend to, yes. if your ex suddenly kissed you right now, what would you do? without saying a word to me? i'd either a.) slap him or b.) grab his face and kiss him back. lmao i know, totally opposite ends of the spectrum, but. i really don't know which would come first. is your best friend dating anyone? she's married. do you like lady gaga or does she try too hard? as a person, she's wildly unique, which i have great respect for. as an artist, i, surprisingly, like a couple of her songs. where did you last wear a bathing suit? the beach. have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy? i've said this before in another survey: is that not prom? it's not like i'd go everyday in a big, extravagant dress. the other day as well, i didn't dress unlike myself, but i seriously did it up because i thought i'd be "running into" jason, so. if you were offered to smoke some weed right now would you accept? idk, probably not. have you ever done something outrageously dumb? sure have. have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? yep. do you go to the mall on friday nights? no, because i don't want to get shot. do you listen to country music? only when i'm with colleen. who is your best guy friend? my only two guy friends period are really sam and girt, and i don't want to pick between them. have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? no. do you shave your legs? yeah. i personally would feel too self-conscious revealing my legs if they weren't shaved. has a boy ever spent the night at your house? plenty of times. who was the last person to sleep over? chelsea. do you forward the chain letters in your email? absolutely not. are you on birth control? yes, but only for my period cramps. do your parents use social media? if so, which ones? my mom has a facebook. do you and your last ex hate each other? after that "yeah, no" the other day, pretty sure he hates me. there's no way in hell i could ever hate him. have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? longer than that. do you collect anything? meerkat stuff. silent hill merchandise. band stuff. jaybird feathers. do you have any nieces or nephews? describe them. aubree is very lively, but can be shy. she loves minnie mouse and dory. ryder is just a baby, so doesn't have much of a personality, really. at least that i can detect. when was the last time you were sick? now, actually. my throat is killing me. can you handle a lot of drama? NO NO NO NO NO. when you were a kid, was there a boy/girl that you said you were going to marry? nope. i didn't even want to marry as a kid. have you ever had a significant other with a mental disorder? not to my knowledge. i mean jason had low self-esteem, but he was not mentally ill. are flea markets trashy? in general, no. any store though can be trashy. but generally, no, they're great. you can find great deals. when you get nervous, does it show physically (i.e shaky hands)? yes. i sweat, i quiver, i play with my hands... tell me one unique quality about your own handwriting. it's a mix of cursive and print. when was the last time you were pissed beyond belief and why? when colleen implied i wasn't trying hard enough in regards to my depression, anxiety, etc. i nearly walked out her door. what qualities of yours do you think could potentially harm a relationship? well i mean apparently being mentally ill is a fucking issue. like i can help it. what sort of conditions do you require in order for you to fall asleep? have the fan on (usually), have the television on but on silent. do you have a favorite punk band? green day for sure. as far as relationships go, what are your biggest deal-breakers? having kids already, doing drugs, drinking excessively... i've got a number. what’s your favorite mythical being? dragons if you’re a girl, what’s your bra size? d-something will you go to your senior prom? i already did. do you make fun of people who play magic: the gathering or yu-gi-oh! cards? i've never understood this shit, like, why ridicule someone for enjoying cards? are we as humans truly that petty? besides that, magic is like jason's biggest passion, so i'd be making fun of him if i had an issue with it. he got me to play it occasionally, too, and it's kinda fun. just damn, this question's got me irritated. who the fuck has a problem with cards. got a lot of deep, depressing poetry and artwork stashed? don't find my dA pls ever attempted suicide or self-mutilated yourself? yeah. what’s the last movie you rented? "blaire witch" has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? i allowed my former best friend megan to hack my old youtube once and she allowed me to hack hers so we could put one of those lovey-dubby letters on each other's pages, ha. have i ever been seriously hacked, no. what was the last thing you ordered online? a shirt and flip-flops from hottopic where did your last kiss take place? at my house, odds are, from jason dropping me off. do you reveal a lot about yourself online? are you careful about not revealing too much? would you say you reveal more about yourself than others seem to do? i do, and i mean i'm cautious with some things, like i won't share my last name, address, stuff like that. i'd say i reveal just about as much as the other survey takers i read. if you're interested in fashion, what inspires your style most? do you look to celebrities or other famous people for inspiration? i'm not interested in fashion at all. i don't care what's "in" and whatnot, i just wear either what is comfortable or i find aesthetically pleasing. is there anything you feel pressured to do by a certain age (i.e. get married)? honestly? yeah. society and family history makes me think i should either already be married or get so within the next like five years and have kids before 30. have you ever lived in a mobile home? no. friend asks you to hide drugs, booze etc for them, do you do it? no, honestly. animal you like to watch but sort of creeps you out? i like watching large spiders. emphasis on "watching." have you ever been to an open casket wake or funeral? yup. scariest driver you’ve ridden with? my dad that one day he was really pissed off, picking nicole and i up from school. i legitimately thought i was going to die. he was running red lights, passing illegally... have you/do you plan to go to college? i am in college, but i am sincerely contemplating dropping out. things aren't going well. have you ever dated someone named kyle? no, but i had a crush on a kyle in high school. do you think greasy hair is a turn off? it's definitely not a turn on. in interest of my significant other's health, i'd want you to take a shower if your hair was greasy. your computer crashes, deletes EVERYTHING, can you survive? lmao pls don't tell me about the last time you had sex? i've never had sex, just done sexual things. it's been over a year since i've "done anything" though, so i couldn't tell you about the last time. what is your biggest mistake in life? letting my depression literally consume me to the point it made the love of my fucking life fall out of love with me. what was the last thing you drank? some strawberry fruit juice.

#survey #quiz #questions #asks #answered

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dustsparrow · 6 years

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Oh! Your blog is alive! Welcome back! Answer all the odd number questions?

Well hey! I didn’t realize how long it had been since I posted here haha. I’m alive and doing well. Most of my energy toward this site goes to reblogging stuff to my side blog @stufftoshowcrow (I guess this is sort of a plug but by no means do you all have to check it out)

And I’ll get to the questions later today! I’m out with a friend for the day but I didn’t wanna leave you hanging. Thanks for asking!

Time for those answers! (under the read more)

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? Dancing’s Not a Crime by Panic! at the Disco, Irony of Dying on Your Birthday by Senses Fail, Instant Crush by Daft Punk, Somewhere in the Between by Streetlight Manifesto, Your Love by The Outfield, and Shut Up and Dance by WALK THE MOON (these are just recent ones on my mind)

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. The closest book was my sketchbook and it’s got a drawing of Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles on it that I think I referenced from somewhere. I may post a picture later if there’s any interest.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? “Ok I should be home in about an hour” from my dad

7: What’s your strangest talent? I’m pretty good at chugging alcohol but stuff like hard sodas or rum and coke. And that usually only happens when I’m already a little drunk and want to maintain it.

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? Technically (said by my bf). He said it was never finished so I never heard it

11: Do you have any strange phobias? I’m slightly afraid of escalators and elevators. Elevators is because I hate when they rock and I’m afraid they’ll fall and escalators is because when I was a kid, there was an escalator at the local book store that seemed pretty steep and I felt like I’d fall off when I was young and it sort of continued on into adulthood. It’s not as bad now but it’ll pop up sometimes.

13: What’s your religion? I was raised Catholic, went to a Methodist church from middle school to high school, and now I’d consider myself Agnostic. I was never officially Methodist so yeah, I’m not really religious.

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? It’s a bit of both. Being an artist, I like to dabble in a lot of different art forms and one of those being photography. I love photography and I’ve even gotten into making my own videos. So I know my way around a camera and I’m used to being behind the camera but I like when I get the chance to be in front of the camera. It may be a little vain but I really like photos of myself and seeing myself at different angles.

17: What was the last lie you told? Oh shit, I can’t really remember. I know the funniest lie I’ve told recently is I convinced a coworker of mine that one of our other coworkers is my brother because we look sort of alike.

19: What does your URL mean? I went with Novakid-Outlaw because I really enjoy the game Starbound and the Novakids are my favorite race. They’re sort of like cowboys so that’s where the outlaw part is from. It used to be “Novakid-Bandit” but I figured Outlaw sounded better.

21: Who is your celebrity crush? Brendon Urie

23: How do you vent your anger? A lot of it is spent yelling at terrible drivers in my car. Some of it is directed at my coworkers who don’t do their job and I’m already done with the day. I try to use some of it on artwork, I know one time I smashed a TV for a friend doing a photography project. That was a lot of fun.

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Video chat because I like seeing the other person’s face. But talking on the phone is also nice if I want to talk to that person (so like talking to my BF verses my dad. My dad is weird to talk to sometimes).

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? I hate the sound of nails scratching one of those holographic cards that has that terrible texture. I love the sounds of cats purring (and my boyfriend’s voice).

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Ghosts are iffy but for sure Aliens. Space is too big for us to be the only living organisms.

31: Smell the air. What do you smell? I’m in my room so nothing. I’m too used to the smell.

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast? East Coast since I live nearby and the most I’ve done on the West Coast was go to Vegas and it was stupid hot.

35: To you, what is the meaning of life? Doing what I love with the ones I love.

37: Do you believe in luck? I guess because I’m the luckiest girl to be dating the best guy in my life. He’d disagree but I do love him a whole lot and he’s made my life a lot better.

39: What time is it? I got this ask around noon and I’m getting around to answering it at 11:12 PM (as I’m typing this answer)

41: What was the last book you read? I guess Scott Pilgrim. I haven’t read a book in a while. It’s sorta sad

43: Do you have any nicknames? Many

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? In recent years, I burned my arm at work and it hurt like a bitch. I still have a scar. In middle school, I broke both of my wrists (not at the same time but only a month had passed when my first wrist healed and I broke the other).

47: Do you have any obsessions right now? Okami

49: Ever had a rumor spread about you? Not really cause I’m not that interesting that people talk about me.

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? If it’s a big enough wrong. I’m still upset at my ex but that’s justified.

53: Do you save money or spend it? I spend it. I need to work on saving money.

55: Love or lust? Love

57: How many relationships have you had? 3

59: Where were you yesterday? Work and home

61: Are you wearing socks right now? Nope

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? Jokes and slight teasing

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr. Aight, that’s too much work, nope

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM? Playing Okami

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? Yes

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? Save the dog. I can find another job. I’d feel terrible leaving the dog behind.

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love. (I have both but) Love

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 7815

77: How can I win your heart? No chance because someone already has my heart

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? Giving my current boyfriend a third date those 2 years ago.

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone? She died doing what she loved most. (*boyfriend’s/husband’s name here*)

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. Love. How cliche

85: What’s the last song you listened to? Your Love by The Outfield

87: What is your current desktop picture? Bulbasaurs

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? If my mom ever asked if I’ve lied to her recently because she made me promise her once that I’d never lie to her again.

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? Shape-shifting

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? My first instinct is to say my last relationship but I know it sort of helped to shape me. So I guess I would say I’d avoid dating the last guy but I wouldn’t avoid him entirely.

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Germany

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car? Yes. When I was a kid, my mom took me to pick up my brother and his friend and she brought mini cupcakes along. I ate a bunch of the chocolate ones and I threw up on my brother’s friend when they got in the car.

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? Let’s be real, I have no clue.

Finishing this up at 11:39 PM and I’m super grateful to anyone who’s read all of these! I hope these are entertaining to read and I hope everyone has a wonderful day/night!

#j talks #ask j #anon

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