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jasmariswonderland · 1 year
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Shining Hearts Chapter 16 ~ The True Fairest One
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Chapter 1 |  Chapter 2 |  Chapter 3  |  Chapter 4  |  Chapter 5  |
Chapter 6 |  Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 |  Chapter 9  | Chapter 10 |
Chapter 11 |  Chapter 12  |  Chapter 13  | Chapter 14  | Chapter 15
Chapter Summary: The Vocal and Dance Championship finally comes to a conclusion and the winners are announced. With plenty of heartache along with triumph. Be sure to read the A/N at the end of the chapter.
Word Count: 15843
A/N: Thank you all for your patience with me as I originally posted this chapter last week but decided to delete it and rework several passages. I am SO MUCH HAPPIER with how this chapter is now, even if the content is still hella angsty. 😭
⚠General Warning For Chapters 12-17⚠: First off, thank you for sticking around with this fic for this long. As we inch closer to the moment of the overblot and it’s aftermath, be forewarned, the final chapters of this fic are gonna get…kind of intense. And may or may not include the following: Vil being mean, Rook being tactless, canon typical violence, language, sex*al harassment, misogyny, near de*th experiences, suic*dal thoughts and very, VERY HEAVY angst.
Warnings Specific To This Chapter:  IMSORRYIMSORRYIMSORRY
~~~
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“Winning the girls’ division of this year’s Vocal and Dance Championship, by a RECORD BREAKING landslide is…”
A loud and suspenseful drumroll held everyone’s breath, followed by a few seconds of silence before the announcer declared the winners. Danica briefly closed her eyes and held onto Taima and Ione’s hands. Across from them, Lilianne and Minette held onto each other, hearts racing as they all silently prayed for the same outcome. 
Please let them win, that’s all I want! Let Dani win! 
Please, please, pleeeeaaassee! Let us be victorious. 
“…NIGHT RAVEN COLLEGE!!!”
A thunderous roar of applause followed that was momentarily deafening. Danica was still holding her breath. When she finally opened her eyes, the first thing she saw was their school emblem along with her face, and those of her teammates, illuminating the jumbo screens of the coliseum. She still hadn’t comprehend what was happening and it was only when Taima and Iman threw their arms around her that it all began to sink in. 
I…we…we won? We really won?! 
“WE DID IT!!!” Taima cried. “YES! WE DID IT! WE REALLY DID IT!!!”
More golden confetti rained down upon them and Danica watched their reflections on the jumbo screens, tears streaming down their eyes as they were all seized with excitement and joy. Jumping up and down and holding each other as the audience cheered and shared in their euphoria. 
“Night Raven Colleges girls unit, the Black Swan Quintet, is led by the phenomenal Miss Danica Ledelle,” the announcer continued. “Their powerful vocals and incredible dancing made for an amazing performance! They left the entire audience spellbound, myself included!”
“YAYYYYY!!!!” Kalim smiled and clapped his hands wildly. “Go Black Swans! You brought home the gold for NRC!” 
“C'est beaute!” Rook smiled as well. “Congratulations, ladies!”
“If the Black Swans won, that makes me confident for us too!” Deuce grinned. 
“It’s so awesome, they really deserve it!” Epel added. “Especially you, Danica! You’re extra-awesome! A badass black swan!” 
“Thank you, Epel! Ohhh…it’s…unreal…we really won!” Danica cried happily. “I can’t believe it!”
“Believe it, Missy!” Iman smiled through joyful tears. “And don’t look so shocked, we won by a landslide!”
“The first real victory over RSA in decades,” Taima grinned. “And we did this!”
“It’s like a dream!” Vidaria added.
“The most wonderful, beautiful dream!” Ione wept happily. “One I never want to wake from!” 
“Black Swan Quintet, please step forward to claim your prize!!”
Two shimmering silver trophies stood at the center podium, the announcer picked one up and handed it to Danica graciously. Several blinding camera clicks went off as she accepted the award and her teammates each took turns holding up the trophy for the eager press photographers. Danica held it a little longer than the rest of them, looking reverently at the full fruit of all of her labor. And not just hers, in her hand she held the result of all their determination and drive. Ione’s developing self esteem, Taima’s constant loyalty, Iman and Vidaria’s softening personalities, and most of all, Danica’s leadership. 
Through the ups and downs, successes and setbacks, the Black Swan Quintet had conquered all that was thrown their way. And now, together, each of them would be a stronger person because of it.
“This trophy is as much yours as it is mine,” said Danica, holding it up to her teammates, tears falling down her face. “We all earned this. Thank you, you guys, for helping make this happen!”
“Yes, and thank you, Danica,” Vidaria smiled. “Thank you for putting up with us, and leading us to this amazing victory.”
The girls turned their heads to the NRC Tribe who were clapping with genuine joy for their female counterparts. And for a brief moment, Vil and Danica locked glances, his smile told her everything she needed to know and she returned it wholeheartedly. 
Well done, my little potato. You’ve earned this moment, I hope you are proud of yourself. 
I finally kept my promise, Vil-san! I know this wasn’t what you had in mind, but I hope you’re still pleased. 
From the other side of the stage, Lilianne watched the Black Swan Quintet with not even the smallest measurement of sadness at her defeat. For her, Danica’s victory was as much hers and a much needed relief after weeks of distress. She never wanted to compete against her friends in the first place and finally, it was all over. With the victory of the NRC girls came half of her bet with Neige settled, she would not have to kiss him after all and, very soon, he would leave her alone completely. 
“Thank you, girls,” Lilianne smiled at her teammates. “We put on the best show we could and thanks to Dani’s help it wasn’t a complete mess. You should all be proud.”
“But also, thank you for voting for the Black Swan Quintet,” Minette added. “I’m sure that was difficult but it was needed for Lili’s sake.”
“It wasn’t difficult at all!” said Ivy. “Their performance was amazing, my eyes were glued to them every moment they were on stage! I still would have voted for them if I were in the audience!”
“Those girls got skill,” Nadia added. “The boys too. They earned our votes, each and every one of them.”
“And it was the least we could do after Danica helped us with our routine!” Ayse smiled. 
“Now, the NRC Tribe needs to win and everything will finally be right with the world!” Isabel said. “And then we can celebrate with the NRC ladies!” 
The RSA Diva’s accepted their defeat with all the grace and nobility befitting their school’s mission statement, clapping and feeling a genuine sense of happiness for their rivals only in name. Meanwhile, not too far from them, Neige and his dwarf friends clapped for the Black Swan Quintet as well. Grum, one of the dwarves, softly grumbled about how they weren’t as good as the RSA Diva’s but Neige secretly disagreed. He smiled, but inside, a sharpness seized his stomach. 
As disappointing as it was that he now wouldn’t be able to kiss Lilianne, he had to admit that the NRC ladies had incredible stage presence. Considering that Danica was Vil’s protégé, it only made sense as he was another that Neige felt was a performer above all others. Their victory was well deserved, he felt, but it also made him once again fearful about how he and his friends would fare. 
And considering that Neige chose to vote for both NRC teams, it wouldn’t surprise him if RSA ended up fully in second place for the first time in decades. He watched Lilianne and the other RSA Divas approach the Black Swan Quintet, Lilianne shook Danica’s hand and then threw her arms around her in a public display of goodwill and friendship. It warmed his heart, but also sank it at the same time. 
She looks so happy, and she’ll probably be happier when Vil wins. I wonder, if we win, will she be happy too? Will she…
“Hey, Neige!” Grum snapped at him, yanking on his sleeve. “Get your head out the clouds, will ya?! They’re about to announce the boy winners!” 
Neige quickly shook himself out of his thoughts as the announcer took the mic again to continue announcing the other winners. 
“Let’s hear it one more time for the Black Swan Quintet!” he said, to the continued applause of the audience. “And now, it’s the moment of truth for the boy’s! First place in the boy’s division of this year's Vocal and Dance Championship is…”
Neige, the dwarves, and the NRC Tribe all held their breaths, hearts racing as the announcer unfolded opened another envelope with the winner’s of the boys’ division folded inside. Another suspenseful drumroll preceded the fateful announcement. 
“…ROYAL SWORD ACADEMY!!!”
W…WHAT?!
“The entire audience was captivated with their fairy tale performance! They warmed the hearts of everyone in the coliseum!” 
The calm, kind look Vil wore as Danica and her team accepted their victory immediately melted into horror. At first, he thought he might have misheard, but as the seconds passed, he felt his hands tremble and his eyes began to burn as the realization of his worst nightmare. A nightmare originating years ago, tormenting him throughout his professional life and wreaking havoc all throughout the VDC training camp. A nightmare, a curse, that he now understood he would never be free of. 
No…no…and after all we…I’ve done and it still wasn’t…no…
He had failed. Once again second best to Neige Leblanche. And worst of all, he had brought this defeat upon himself. In his unsightly display of ugliness he nearly cursed Neige and doomed his teammates. And his paranoia and cruelty to Danica forced her to become a black swan, destroying the one hope they had for victory even if everything else went up in smoke. Now once again, the world was enamored by the infantile charms of Vil’s rival, leaving him with no place except as the clear villain in this story. And in the end, villains never won, and they certainly never stood upon the stage until the end. 
It didn’t matter how hard he worked, how determined he was or even that he refused to ever take the easy way out. Villains were never rewarded in real life, so why should this be any different? 
At that moment, Vil wanted so badly to retreat back into the coliseum, lock himself in his dressing room and cry and lament all that was once again lost. But though this was the most recent in a string of losses to his adorable rival, it was one brought upon by his own actions. For that reason alone, Vil knew he had no right to feel anything but anger at himself. He had done this, and he had no one else but himself to blame. And yet…
Even if I momentarily contemplated the unthinkable. Even if we weren’t at our best. We were outdone by a children's song! How could we be outdone by a children's song, coupled with such lackluster stage presence? What did we do wrong? What did I do…no…no…
Neige Leblanche was the true fairest one. He always was, and he always would be regardless of whatever Vil did. This was a reality Vil accepted a long time ago. And yet…and yet…
It's always been this way! Why can’t they see?! Why won’t anyone ever acknowledge how hard I work?! I’m not a nepotism baby! I don’t coast on my looks! So why can’t they see for once everything I do to…no…no…
“Night Raven College comes in second place. They lost out to first place by only a single vote, but their vocals and moves were a tour de force! Let’s give them a round of applause as well!”
A…SINGLE VOTE?! Really?!
Danica and her teammates immediately went over to their defeated boys, each girl trying to fix her face in one befitting sympathy, but their mutual shock betrayed them. That their boys, their talented and determined boys, could really be upstaged by a performance so childish it would barely be suitable for kindergarteners. That Vil, with all of his incredible talent and drive, was still considered second best to Neige after it was clear as day how much work he put into his performance. That Neige would be rewarded for something so clearly inferior without even putting in half the work if Lilianne’s words were to be believed. And all by a single vote no less, to their mind, it should have easily been another landslide victory. 
And in Vil’s eyes, Danica once again saw all the anguish and loss she had seen when she was confronted by his overblotted form. It was beyond heartbreaking, so much so that for a few frantic moments, she honestly worried that he might suffer the same affliction a second time right there on the stage. She began to open her arms, looking as if she were about to embrace him, but Vil sharply shook his head, silently telling her not to dare or even think about it. Even if his eyes begged for the tenderness she was offering. 
“Oh…oh my gosh! We really got the top spot? Really?!” 
“No…no…NONONONONONO!!! It can’t be!”
From the leaders of both RSA teams, came two vastly different responses to Neige’s victory. Lilianne suddenly found herself short of breath as her teammates quickly went to console her. She had been so close, so very close, all they needed was one more vote and she would finally be free. But even if she no longer had to kiss Neige, a promise was still a promise and she would be compelled to go out with him immediately after the VDC was over. 
Neige was unlikely to waste any time after pressuring her for this for weeks and so it also went unsaid that her team’s plans with the Black Swan Quintet were now canceled. And Neige was unlikely to end his pursuit of Lilianne now that they were about to spend more time together.
Why?! Why did I make this bargain with him?! I was so sure Vil would win but…it’s all over now! 
The one who gave Neige the winning vote, whoever they were, would never know the devastation their decision would cause Lilianne. On the other hand, they would also never realize that their decision allowed for Neige’s greatest wish to finally come true. He almost didn’t care about the prize money or even the acclaim his victory would bring to his career. For Neige, the greatest thing was that now, Lilianne would keep her end of their bargain and go out with him. Whatever fears he previously had about losing, were now nonexistent. He had wished, dreamed, hoped, and now his hopes were answered. 
And surely, in time, Lilianne would come around and he would see her smile once again, at him. After all, like the fairytale princesses from the storybooks he grew up with as a child, Neige and Lilianne were brought together by song. Surely that meant she was destined to be his one true love. All he had to do now was be a little more patient and true love’s kiss was sure to follow. 
She…looks kind of sad, maybe because Vi-kun lost. But it’s okay, we’ll have ice cream together soon and that will make her happy again! 
“We won!” Neige beamed. “We really won!”
“Oh, pick your jaw up off the floor, Neige!” Grum snapped, but he was smiling. “Let’s go get that trophy!”
He, Neige and the six other dwarves scurried over to the podium as the announcer handed them a glittering trophy identical to the one given to Danica. Neige graciously accepted this holding the trophy in much the same way Danica held hers, with reverence and disbelief. He smiled as several photographers took pictures of Neige with his prize but Grum soon snatched it from him, wanting to hold it for himself. Another of the dwarves snatched it from Grum and soon enough they were all loudly squabbling among themselves over who could hold the trophy next. Neige tried to calm them down but they wouldn’t listen and ended up dropping the trophy in the process. 
The audience seemed enamoured by this but the NRC performers watched with equal parts astoundment and disgust. They couldn’t even accept their victory with integrity. 
The winning teams were then called to give an encore performance of their songs, Danica and her teammates began to step forward but in their excitement, the dwarves all began singing over them. The audience’s response to this was once again endearing and the cheerful melody of their song began to play. Neige took the mic and began singing with them, completely ignoring that Danica had also won and was called to sing as well. 
But his obliviousness was just as well as in truth, neither Danica nor any of the Black Swans were up to singing after watching their boys get robbed, as they felt it to be. As Neige and his friends continued to sing, the RSA Divas approached the NRC performers, with Danica wrapping her arms around Lilianne again as the latter tried her best to hold back her tears. 
“It’s not fair!” Lilianne whimpered, her voice breaking. “Their song sucked! I don’t want to date him!”
“I know, I know, Lili. It’s alright,” Danica tried to comfort her, despite feeling quite the opposite. “I know you’re disappointed, so am I, but keep your head up,”
“PLEASE tell me we’re being trolled!” Taima shook her head.  “Someone say sike right now cause this ain’t funny!” 
“How the hell could this happen?!” Vidaria snapped. “This is an outrage!” 
“I would be inclined to agree with you, Your Highness,” Ayse sighed. “This is pretty cruddy.”
“Maaaaaaan, just one vote!” Ace sulked. “We were so close!”
“RIGHT?!” Iman gritted her teeth. “To think! Some idiot really saw Jamil’s moves and thought ‘no, lemme give it to Neige and his seven little clowns, I trust them!’ I demand a recount!”
“Yeah a recount might be in order, methinks,” replied Taima. 
“No, guys. Rule 445 of the Queen of Hearts states that all votes are final once the people have spoken,” Ione sighed. “Regardless of how idiotic their opinions are.”
“If it’s any consolation, we all voted for you guys,” said Isabel. 
“And after we worked so hard,” Epel sighed, a few tears running down his face. 
“Nooooooo,” tears formed in Kalim’s eyes that he tried to repress, but his intense disappointment was too much for him and he loudly began weeping. “I’m trying to hold back but… it buuurrrnsss…it burns so baaaadddd…”
“Oh, Kalim…” Seeing her normally jovial clubmate so forlorn was enough for Danica to temporarily forget herself as she was also betrayed to tears. “I know it burns…it…you guys were so good, I’m so sorry!”
“ENOUGH OF THIS!” Vil barked. “You’re all still on stage, stop with this pitiful display at once! Especially you, Danica! Your team was victorious so act accordingly!”
“Vil-san…but…”
“No buts! As for you boys, stand tall and don’t forget to give our rivals a sporting round of applause.”
“Y…yes, Sir…”
Danica had to commend Vil for his ability to remain calm and poised in such a painful moment. She realized at once that she had underestimated him to think he might now overblot again and managed to smile at him in spite of what they were both surely feeling at that moment. Yet he appeared as he always did, not giving even the slightest hint at his anger, though she was certain she saw tears in his eyes. 
“It’s not fair, but he’s so calm,” Lilianne whispered to her. “And this is why I admire him so much.”
“He is pretty calm, almost too calm,” Danica replied, and then said to Vil, “It couldn’t be me, but I guess you’re used to this by now. Right, Vil-san?”
“Heh, heh. Calm? Used to it?” Vil chuckled, but there was no laughter in his tone nor gaze. More tears formed at the corner of his eyes that he quickly blinked away. Replaced with fiery rage. “OF COURSE I’M NOT!”
“Vil-san!” 
“I want to walk over there and kick all those boys right off the stage!” 
At this, Vil’s fellow NRC performers stared at him and he took a deep breath as he felt the tears burn past his eyes. His sorrow was as shocking to him as it was for them but he couldn’t do this. Villains had no right to cry, he knew this, knew it all too well. But he couldn’t help it, regardless of everything else, their performance was still so poor. How could this happen?
“Someone knock me out before I unleash a tirade of verbal abuse that will mince them to shreds!” 
Danica bit back a small giggle. As unprofessional as such would be, at that moment, she couldn’t help but want to see something like that more than anything in the world. 
“Ah Roi du Poison, I hope you can forgive me,” Rook sighed. “But I’m afraid the one more deserving of your ire is me.”
“What?” Vil momentarily forgot his anger long enough to look curiously at Rook. “What do you mean? You’re the one most deserving of my ire?”
“Rook…” Danica looked at him as well. “What do you…you didn’t, did you…surely…”
Sadly for her, Rook then held up his phone to them, confirming the worst. On the screen was his VDC vote for the best boys’ team, a vote for Royal Sword Academy. Rook had given the deciding vote and in doing so, had betrayed not only Vil but his teammates as well. Rook gave a wistful smile but Vil was speechless and whatever resolve he had to remain calm quickly vanished.
“N…no…Rook…” 
Vil’s tears now flowed freely down his face, coupled with very visible shaking in his hands. A whirlwind of emotions all seized him at once but, interestingly enough, none of them were rage. Rather than feeling angry at his faithless dorm leader, Vil felt devastated. 
“How…how could you?!”
“Whoa! Vil, hold it together!” Kalim and Jamil quickly went to hold Vil up as he appeared close to collapsing. Both of them were as baffled as he. 
“ROOK ARE YOU NUTS?!” shouted Ace. “Why would you vote for RSA?!”
“NRC Tribe could have won if you had voted for them!” Danica cried. “Why, Rook?! WHY?!”
“Wh…what?!” 
Ace and Danica’s voices were loud enough to be in the hearing range of the RSA Divas. Minette and Isabel saw as Vil’s face crumbled and then looked at the source of that anguish. The very same who accosted them earlier, the reason why none of them felt safe in the coliseum. It wasn’t enough for him to make unwelcome advances on them, Rook had now doomed their team leader to a date she didn’t want to go on and probably months of continued advances she would be hard pressed to refuse. They both glared at him with poison that could rival any crafted by Vil.
“WHAT?!” Ayse shouted. “Vil-san lost because of him?! And now Lili has to go on that date because of HIM?!” 
“Why?! WHY?! What could possibly be his reasoning?!” added Athena. 
Rook then went into an impassioned speech regarding his vote. Despite all that he and his teammates had gone through, he felt that Neige and his friends sang with all their hearts and believed in themselves. For that reason alone, he found their performance superior to Vil’s. Rook believed Vil lacked the confidence to give a truly beautiful performance, and his lack of confidence made Neige superior by comparison. 
He said this, but would never know how Neige’s heart raced with worry as he beheld theirs, prompting him to give NRC Tribe his own vote.
“Rook, you honestly felt they outperformed you and the rest of NRC Tribe?!” Danica asked, biting back more tears. “You really think that?!” 
“Oui!” Rook smiled. “Seeing them together on stage, they struck me as powerful. The fairest of all in that moment!”
“Powerful…” Danica quickly found herself becoming dizzy, so much so that Taima and Ione went to her in case she also needed to be kept upright. “Powerful…but…we were powerful too. Why…what power could you see when…”
“Rook…” Vil sniffed, looking more defeated than ever. “Rook…”
“Vil, nobody should believe in your beauty more than yourself,” said Rook. “It is most becoming, the way you maintain such self restraint while polishing yourself over your rival. But no amount of validation from the rest of the world will ever leave you fulfilled.” He smiled again. “At this moment you are truly the fairest one of all.”
“But…no…I’m…not…”
“Roi du Poison, fairest Vil, I implore you to believe in yourself more. The strength and pride to believe in yourself is what marks the true fairest one of all.”
“No…”
For once, Vil was at a loss for words, his head hung with sorrow as tried to comprehend what Rook was saying to him. But he couldn’t for the life of him. He was confident in his performance, he had believed in himself and they had all done their best. But it still wasn’t enough in the end, even for Rook. Why should Vil feel any confidence when it would always be this way? When he would always be seen as something he wasn’t? When he couldn’t even convince the one closest to him of his beauty? 
Any confidence in that case would only be considered arrogance. It was easier for Vil to concede that he would never be the fairest one of all. He knew it, Danica knew it, the entire world knew it, and it was now clear Rook knew it as well. 
“Poor Vil,” the RSA Divas were still watching this exchange but the longer they stood there listening, the more incensed they all became. Minette in particular couldn’t believe what she was hearing and before she knew it, a tight fist was forming in her hand. “But Vil…his team…they were so…UGHHH WHAT IS HIS DEAL?!”
“Hell no, I ain’t going for this,” Isabel began walking over to Rook with Minette following behind her. “Screw being nice, retribution is called for!” 
“Stop it, you guys!” Lilianne placed herself in front of her teammates before they could do anything unwise, though her eyes remained on Rook. “I won’t have either of you starting something you can’t finish!”
“I don’t start fights Lili, I finish them!” Minette sharply replied. “You know that!”
“I won’t have you finishing anything either!” Lilianne pushed a little harder upon her teammates. “Neither of you are getting in trouble because of him! Calm down, you and Isabel are both better than this!”
“But Lili…” 
“You both are better than this…but…” she pushed her friends back, rage burning in her eyes. “BUT I’M NOT! LET ME DO IT!”
“No! You stop too!" Despite all the feelings crushing upon Danica’s heart, she could see her friend was close to doing something she would regret. She hugged Lilianne even as Lilianne began to cry and struggled against her.“Lili, I know you’re hurt, but please think! You don’t want to do this!”
“YES I DO!” She continued pushing violently against Danica, thrashing and crying and wanting nothing more than to tear Rook apart. “Let me go, Dani! It’s not right and you know it!”
“I know it’s not fair, trust me I know!” Danica gently pushed her back once she stopped struggling and she was sure she wouldn’t go after Rook. “None of this is fair, but life often isn’t fair…” She squeezed her eyes shut and clenched her teeth through more tears. “Life isn’t fair, that’s…something Vil-san has always said to me. 
“Dani…” 
“Everyone is still watching us so you’ve gotta calm down, Lili. And you’ve gotta smile. We all have to.”
Danica said this, and she did indeed smile for good measure, even if it galled her to do so. The other Black Swans smiled as well to be sure. It was all too much for Lilianne and she returned Danica’s embrace, burying her face in her neck as she continued crying. Danica gently rubbed her back, soothing her and managing to forget her own devastation long enough to be a comfort to her friend. Giving her the comfort she couldn’t give to Vil. Taima soon joined in on the hug and Minette did as well. Meanwhile Vil and the rest of NRC Tribe continued to stare at their traitorous teammate, who in turn continued watching Neige and his friends sing without a care in the world. Completely oblivious to the turmoil he had caused. 
When the song was over, Neige waved to the enchanted audience and then went over to the other side of the stage where the other performers were standing. It was his intention to congratulate the Black Swan Quintet and show his trophy to Lilianne, a symbol of their developing romance in his mind. But he was immediately caught off guard at the sight of Vil. 
“Vi!” he gasped. “I’ve…never seen you cry outside of an acting role before…” 
“Well, you caught me at a bad time,” Vil replied amiably. “Heh, I’m…always second best to you…” 
Even with tears in his eyes, Vil managed to smile at Neige. His rival and the catalyst for everything wrong and cruel in his world, a symbol of everything he wasn’t and never would be. He smiled as though his heart wasn’t shattered in the slightest. A testament to his professionalism, Danica thought. 
“Maybe that’s what the numbers said,” Neige smiled. “But your group is number one in the hearts of everybody who voted for you.” And mine…you were number one in my heart too… 
“Roi des Neiges is right,” Rook chuckled. “Your smile is far more becoming than your tears, Vil.”
“Yeah! So smile, Vi-kun! You still gave a performance no one else could pull off!” 
That’s easy for you to say, you’ll always be number one! Danica bit down on her tongue, hard enough to draw blood. She glared at Neige and Taima took her hand in case she were to do something impulsive. But just when they thought things were terrible enough, things were about to take another turn in the worst way imaginable. 
“Hey, you’re the one who hailed me down earlier!” Neige said to Rook, a large smile blooming on his face. “You’re ‘R’ aren’t you? The one who comes to all of my fan meets and writes all me all of those letters?”
“Ah…pardon?!”
“What?!” Danica and Vil looked at Rook with sudden shock and Danica added, “Rook! Do you…know Neige Leblanche?”
Before Rook could say anything further, Neige continued, exposing his devoted fan to his bewildered teammates. 
“There’s only one fan of mine who writes me letters addressing me as Roi des Neiges. And I knew R buys each of my photos at fan events and composes poems to share their impression of each picture…”
“FAN EVENTS?!” Ace gasped. 
“And…PHOTOS?!” added Epel. “Rook is a fan of Neige Leblanche?!”
“OHHH SO THAT’S WHY YOU WENT ROGUE!” Iman scoffed. 
“Wait a minute, what about that heavy photo album you brought with you to the training camp,” Jamil thought aloud before his face was also betrayed into shock. “Wait…was that ENTIRE album nothing but photos of Neige Leblanche?!” 
“The photo album he didn’t want any of us looking at?! So…that means…
Taima’s eyes widened and her jaw dropped, not just with surprise but also guilt. She was so convinced that the album was full of photos of Danica, a thought she had led Danica to believe. But just like her belief of Rook’s feelings for her, turned out not to be the case. The other boys suggested Rook approach Neige for an autograph, which he did with some surprising hesitation before he actually began weeping, to the further bewilderment of his teammates. 
“Heh, feeling awkward aren’t we, Rook?” Vil smirked, allowing himself to take back a small amount of power in this situation. 
Rook did not hear him, he was too busy addressing Neige in the way he wished he could earlier when he stopped him from coming under Vil’s poisoned curse. A vision of tender perfection set against Vil’s intense regality. Not only was Rook a fan of Neige Leblanche, he was apparently also a member of his fan club and had a membership number in the single digits, meaning he had to have been following Neige’s work for a very long time. Long before coming to NRC and long before meeting Vil. 
But for Danica, none of this mattered. What was most heartbreaking to her wasn’t that Rook had betrayed Vil or even that he was a fan of Neige. It was the way Rook looked at Neige as he was shaking his hand. And the words Rook spoke to him that hit a little too close to home for her. 
“Roi des Neiges, Neige Leblanche, your work has shone a light upon my life and allowed me to live with hope in my heart,” Rook smiled through his tears. “You truly are an angel walking among mortals and your work holds a very special place in my heart, stirring it in ways I cannot describe.” 
She saw in Rook’s eyes the very same he often had when gazing at her, whenever they were alone. It was a look she had seen him give to Athena earlier that day, to Minette when he cornered her and Isabel in the hallway, and now a look he was giving to Vil’s the source of all Vil’s anguish. Did Rook even realize what he was saying? How he had used these exact words with Danica and how much they meant to her? She doubted it more than ever. 
You stir my heart in a way I cannot describe…you are an angel walking among mortals, cherie…you are very special to me…
Rook…why…this is a nightmare…I thought…no…THIS IS A NIGHTMARE AND I CAN’T WAKE UP!!!
“To add to everything else, he’s also a Neige-stan!” Now it was Lilianne’s turn to comfort Danica as she and the other RSA Divas crowded around her, shielding her from view so none could see her cry. “Are you SURE I can’t beat his ass?!”
“No, Lili!” Athena shook her head. “You know you can’t, regardless of how deserving he is of such.” 
“That horrid beast!” Vidaria murmured, taking Danica’s hand while Taima held the other. “Danica, I’m so sorry.”
“I’m sorry too,” Taima whispered. “I was so sure…so sure that…”
“So was I…” Danica replied, lowering her head with sadness. “So was I, but that goes to show what an idiot I was to believe he really liked me. After all,” she sighed. “A black swan can never stand by the side of a prince.”
“That might make sense,” said Ione. “IF Rook was ACTUALLY a prince!” 
“Both he and Vil hurt you,” Iman added. “But at least we won in the end despite Vil’s bitching! Rook on the other hand…ugh!!!”
The girls from both teams stood together in mutual comfort of the heartbroken Danica and somehow, Danica managed to dry her eyes long enough to remember that the world was still watching and she had to put on a fitting face. And it was just as well because a member of the press soon approached them, looking to take a picture of both winning team leaders with their trophies. Danica quickly fixed her face with help from her teammates and reluctantly stood beside Neige as they were both photographed. 
“You were so great, Dani-chan!” Neige smiled at her. “Congratulations!”
“I told you to call me Danica!” Danica sharply replied, though the smile she wore gave no indication of her contempt. Her smile was such that it even fooled Vil and Rook gently nudged his arm.
“Lovely, aren’t they?” he smiled. “Roi de Neiges and our parfait petit cygne. A storybook prince and his très élégant princesse. Such a beautiful image they make together. Don’t you think so, Vil?” 
Vil didn’t respond with words, but nodded sadly. He was trying both to dissociate and remain alert at the same time, but seeing Danica at Neige’s side wasn’t helping. Rook was correct, they were lovely together. From the commercial they shot for Danica’s family to now, they were the perfect image of fairy tale perfection. Far more an ideal than any farce he attempted to create with her. And such a beautiful jewel was worthy only of the fairest one of all, the complete opposite of all that Vil was. 
But as soon as the photos were taken, Danica made a point of turning her back on Neige and running back to her teammates. Unfortunately for her, this nightmare wasn’t yet over as Neige then suggested that they all sing together. Of course they wouldn’t be singing Guilty Heart. He and his dwarf friends began singing and Vil gave them all a look that told them that they should join in. 
And from the way Vil sang, one would never guess how much he was dying inside. Clearly Rook didn’t either as he loudly mused about how beautiful it was to see Vil and Neige together. Neige then grabbed Lilianne’s arm and encouraged her to sing along with them. For the sake of peace, she did so, but she made a point of yanking her arm away from Neige to sing at Epel’s side instead. Ace, Deuce and Jamil sang awkwardly, and even Kalim found it difficult to sound cheerful. Rook on the other hand was enjoying every moment of this. 
Danica and her teammates sang along as well, with joyful smiles on their faces that gave not a single inkling to how they were truly feeling. They had won after all, the first victory against RSA in decades and the beginning of what would surely be a bright future for them. Danica and Taima had often thought about reviving their idol club at NRC, bringing on new talent and developing their talent to better fit this new stage in their lives. And considering this victory, and the fact that each of the girls was likely to give their portion of the prize money back to the school as charity, Crowley was sure to grant them this. 
All things considered, they had every reason to be happy. And yet all Danica could think of as she sang this childish song was the look in her dorm leader’s eyes. The tears in the corner of his eyes juxtaposed by his cheerful smile. Vil truly was an incredible actor, more than ready to be a hero. And Rook’s kindness had given Danica the confidence to persevere even when Vil was being critical to her. He would never realize how much his actions that day had hurt not just Vil but her as well. Making everything sting all the more.  
~~~
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Before leaving the coliseum and the training camp for the last time, Vil made it clear to the girls that he didn’t want them spreading any gossip about the VDC results. To his mind, he was wholly responsible for Rook’s decision and his lack of beauty was the reason Rook chose to do what he did. He did not want to see his vice dorm leader come under fire for something that was his fault, even if Vil had nothing to do with how Rook had led Danica on.
And as expected, Neige wasted no time asking Lilianne out on their ice cream date. She had no choice but to accept this but that also meant that she wouldn’t be hanging out with Taima and their family after all, nor would there be any celebration at Ramshackle. Instead, all of the NRC performers returned to their own dorm that evening, each with varying emotions. 
Despite Vil ordering the Black Swan Quintet not to bring up the VDC results to others, Danica considered Rook’s betrayal a Pomefiore affair and saw no issue in telling others in their dorm. She took it upon herself to release all of her pinned up frustrations and rage in a magicam group chat which was reserved only for Pomefiore students sans the dorm leaders. By the time she, Vil, Epel and Rook returned to the dorm that evening, several Pomefiore students were already aware of why NRC were once again second best to RSA, resulting in some rather awkward tension as those sitting in the lounge both applauded Danica’s victory but stared at Vil and Rook with great uneasiness. 
Vil went off down the hallway by himself, Epel decided he needed time alone and went to his room. But Danica and Rook stayed behind for a few moments. Sidonie was actually sitting in the lounge and was the first to greet Danica when she walked in. This was the first time either girl had seen each other since the older one left the training camp and despite all that happened, Danica was glad to see her. 
“You were wonderful, my dear!” Sidonie smiled, hugging her tight. “Farron, Savvy, Maxim and I were watching from the front and we loved every minute of it!”
“Thank you, Sidonie,” Danica returned her hug. “And we won too! I just wish…” hesitantly, “I wish you could have stayed with us until the end.”
“I know, I know, but I’m so proud of you, Danica. You stuck to your beliefs even when it meant defying our dorm leader,” Sidonie pulled back from the embrace to smile at her. “I hope you’re proud of yourself too, because you were amazing.”
“Yes, she was,” Rook came up behind them. He smiled, though his voice lacked its usual jovial tone. “Even as a black swan, our petit cygne is indeed amazing.” 
Danica turned to glare at him, not at all taken with his flattery, if that was even what it was. Sidonie found his statement somewhat uncalled for but she didn’t say anything just yet. She realized that Danica’s eyes were puffy and red. 
“Did…something happen?” 
This was a question not exactly directed at either of them as she already was aware of most that had transpired in the coliseum, minus Vil’s overblot. Sidonie was hoping that Danica would confide more to her now that the VDC was over as her messages in their group chat contained more anger than actual information. She was even half hoping Rook might admit to more of what happened. But he remained behind them with silence that was strangely out of character for him. 
 “Dani, what’s wrong?” Sidonie asked again. “You won. Shouldn’t you be…”
“I’m sorry…” Danica pulled away from Sidonie before her tears could overtake her again in front of others. “I…it’s just been a long day. And I…I need some time to decompress. I’m going to my room, excuse me, Sidonie-san…”
~~~
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Danica ran down the hallway, not realizing that Rook and Sidonie both took it upon themselves to follow behind her. Initially it was her intention to go back to her room for some much needed rest and to think about the events of that day in a quiet place. But as she made her way down the hall, she saw Vil, standing outside the entrance to the ballroom. He was not aware of Danica watching him and slowly opened the door and went in. Immediately she thought about following behind him, there were so many things she needed to talk to him about, and now back in their dorm, without the rest of the world watching, she could finally do so. 
“Danica, Mademoiselle Chanteuse, please wait up!”
She clenched her teeth at the sound of Rook’s voice behind her, the last person in all Twisted Wonderland that she wanted to see at that moment. Vil disappeared into the ballroom, shutting the door and leaving Danica alone in the hallway with Rook approaching her and Sidonie following behind him. His smile told her that he was still completely oblivious to the hurt he had caused everyone, especially to her. In fact, he seemed somewhat confused by her dejected expression, expecting her to still be on cloud nine after winning the VDC despite going against what both he and Vil thought was best for her. She should have been happy, and with that thought, Rook felt it was time to finally get an answer to something he had been wondering for several hours now. 
“What is it, Rook-san?” Danica asked blankly. “I’m very tired, I want to rest.”
“I understand your exhaustion, cherie,” he replied. “But before you retire…”
“Do you really understand?!” She turned around, letting him fully see the angry face. “If you understood, you’d leave me alone! I don’t want to talk now!”
“Very well, but please, will you allow me one question before you return to your room?”
She turned herself fully around to face him, giving an exasperated sigh. “Fine! Just one question! What do you want to ask me.”
Rook hesitated before allowing himself to take a few steps closer to Danica, not noticing at all how she took one step back for every step he made towards her. He reached his hand out to her but she recoiled, a gesture that made a mockery of tenderness and a reminder of how terribly he had deceived her. 
“Do you recall what we were discussing?” he asked. “Right before everything happened.”
“Hmm?” 
Danica thought for a moment. In truth, everything before she lost consciousness was something of a blur to her. She closed her eyes but for a while all she could recall was confronting Vil before his overblot. Danica tried searching her mind for anything beyond that, and that’s when it hit her. She and Rook were indeed discussing something, and the recollection of that conversation was the last thing she needed at that moment for her state of mind. She scoffed at Rook and began to turn around before he moved closer to her.
“I remember!” she snapped. “I remember everything! And to answer your question, well, you’ve answered it yourself already!”
“What do you mean?”
“I asked what it would mean if we became lovers, and you answered me the entire fucking day with your behaviour!” Her heart ached with every painful memory of that day, returning to her in swift succession as she spoke. “The way you were flirting with Athena, the way you assaulted Minette, and the way you put Neige above both me and Vil!” She lowered her head as she felt her face becoming hot with her rage, fists formed in both of her hands and she had to turn her back to Rook again, biting on them. “HOW CAN I STILL WANT SUCH A PERSON AS MY LOVER?!”
“What?” 
Sidonie had caught up to them just in time to hear the last part of Danica’s brief tirade. At this her mind returned to that day back during the training camp when she came across Rook’s secret album. And later that day when Danica messaged her about what happened to cause NRC Tribe to lose. Even if she was well aware of the album for weeks prior, something in Sidonie still wanted to believe that Rook wouldn’t be so careless to go against their school, their dorm, and her friend in such a way. But the heartbroken look in Danica’s eyes told her all she needed to know. 
“Rook! How…could you?!”
“I do not understand, mademoiselle,” Rook shook her head. “I put no one above you or Vil! My adoration for Neige is something different entirely! And even if I did, why should it matter?”
“Why should it matter? WHY SHOULD IT MATTER?!” Danica banged her fists against the wall. “Rook! For all you claim to know about Vil-san, for all you pay attention to regarding him, you really have no idea how much winning the VDC would have meant to him, do you?! How much it would have meant to all of us! And for all your adoration of me, do you honestly think I’d still want to kiss a man who grabbed  my best friends’ tail?! How can you be so dense?!”
“I’m sorry, WHAT?!” Sidonie’s eyes widened. “What the hell has been happening since I dropped out the training camp?!”
“Oh, I could write a book about it all, Sidonie-san!” Danica sharply replied. 
“What is there to be dense about?” Rook asked in an infuriatingly calm manner. “I chose to vote for Neige and his team not because of some prior preference I have for him over Vil, but because I felt his performance was far more beautiful than ours!”
“That doesn’t make any sense! Make it make sense to me, Rook! Cause I really do want to understand your logic!” Danica bit back more tears. “After…all you’ve told me about beauty, what makes someone beautiful…I want to understand. I don’t want to believe you were just…just…”
Were you being insincere to me the entire time? Do I really mean so little to you?
“Mademoiselle, even with their errors, their song, their movements, came from a place of purity and not caring about anything but making the audience happy,” Rook smiled. “That is where their power lay. That is why I gave them my vote.”
“Power…” 
Danica murmured, looking down at the sleek black stage costume she was still wearing, something that she always felt gave her power as well. Though clearly what she felt was different from what Rook was describing. The power she felt indeed came from her desire to captivate her audience, but there was always something deeper to what she felt and she knew it. Rook knew it too and in that moment, she began to wrap her arms around herself, shielding herself from the shame she could feel brewing in her chest. 
“And…what about…us? And what about the other boys? Do you honestly think we lacked the power to win?”
Rook sighed. “I’m afraid so, cherie. In my humble opinion, neither NRC team could match the pure wholesomeness of Neige Leblanche or the RSA Divas. And because of that, Vil couldn’t possibly have the confidence to…”
“WELL HOW THE HELL COULD HE BE WHEN HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THE CONFIDENCE OF HIS RIGHT HAND MAN?! HOW CAN ANY OF US HAVE CONFIDENCE WHEN YOURE SO FUCKING FICKLE THAT…”
“Danica!” Sidonie gasped, having never seen her friend like this. “I know you’re upset, but could you please…”
“NO! NO I WON’T I WON’T LOWER MY VOICE!” Danica cried. “I’VE BEEN DOING THAT FOR TOO LONG AND FOR WHAT?! IF SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY TO BE HEARD THEN SO BE IT!”
Sidonie sighed, she was certainly right about not feeling heard. Perhaps Danica’s rage was as much her frustration at all Vil had subjected her to over the last month as it was heartbreak where Rook was concerned. And perhaps after she allowed herself to fully give herself over to her anger, could she finally know peace. 
“Maybe approval from the rest of the world won’t give long lasting validation,” Danica went on. “But sometimes, when people are confused and hurt, they need to be told that they are enough. They need to know they are loved and that they are beautiful!” Tears now streamed freely down her eyes. “We all saw first hand how deep Vil’s anguish lies and you had the perfect moment to validate him and what did you do?! After hearing Vil scream and cry about how hideous he is, you humiliated him in front of his rival and then want to wonder why he isn’t more confident!”
“Enough, mademoiselle!” Rook had taken all of this with calm understanding for the most part. But the longer Danica spoke, the more he felt himself being given over to emotions he neither wanted nor felt he could handle. “Vil’s turmoil is his alone and it’s not my place to believe I could help pull him out of it. I chose to vote for Neige as my way of showing Vil the direction he needs to be upon if he wishes to succeed in the future.”
“That may be so, but it also wasn’t your place to teach him that lesson, Rook,’ replied Danica. “You can’t say it’s not your place to step in to help Vil but then decide it is your place to teach him a lesson he probably already knew!”
“That…does seem a tad hypocritical,” Sidonie admitted.
“Well who is to say we would have still lost had Vil not…”
“ROOK!” Danica snapped, Sidonie was still standing with them and she did not yet want her to know about Vil’s overblot. Rook seemed to understand this at least, even if he still did not understand everything else. He sighed, perhaps a more personal approach would help her understand his perspective and why he felt it to be the right one. 
“In the end, mademoiselle, Vil’s pursuit of beauty led him down the path of madness and his inability to be confident in his performance is why I voted for Neige,” Rook said. “It is a lesson you yourself could stand to learn as well, Danica.”
“What do you mean by that?!”
“If you had more confidence in yourself, it wouldn’t matter if your family continues to compare you to your sister. And your anguish at trying to live up to her legacy would not be so severe. After all, do you think a dancer as radiant as Fiona Ledelle had any care about what the world thought of her?”
“You…you…”
“Rook…what the…why would you say…”
Even Sidonie was taken aback by this and placed a comforting hand on Danica’s shoulder. But Danica did not feel it or take notice of anything after Rook’s words. No, he didn’t understand, and he never would. And the mention of Fiona was enough to have Danica seeing red. 
That he could make such a careless comment spoke volumes of how little he understood about the girl he claimed to adore. And how little he cared about how deeply such a comment would hurt her. Even as Danica closed her eyes, the entire room was spinning with an array of dark thoughts and emotions assaulting her mind at once. And when she opened them, there she saw the source of them all. The one she had foolishly given her heart to. Only to have it thrown back into her face with his fickle apathy. Sidonie tried to get her attention one more time but she was blind to her, and blind to everything else besides her anger at Rook. Everything else went black. 
“You…you know nothing…” she muttered. “And don’t you dare…”
“Pardon?” 
“DON’T YOU DARE BRING UP FIONA!!!”
From his place in the ballroom, Vil had heard everything that led up to that moment. Despite finding Danica’s volume grating, he did not have it in him at that moment to go out to the hallway to stop her. He knew she was upset and unlike him, Danica was allowed to be upset at Rook. Vil was tired, he was frustrated, and he knew she was likely frustrated as well as he had been anything but easy on her. A part of him was still upset with Rook himself even if he knew it wasn’t his right. For those reasons alone he was willing to allow Danica to release her anger while he sat alone in the ballroom, his own dark thoughts barely managing to drown out all the screaming. 
But the proceeding loud cracking sound followed by a high pitched shriek from Sidonie was enough to fully catch Vil’s attention. Both sounds loudly echoed throughout the hallways and half out of curiosity and half out of annoyance, he finally, very reluctantly, left his solitude. And what Vil came upon when he found Rook, Danica and Sidonie together shocked him even more than the initial argument. He actually gasped out and stopped short of making himself known. 
Did…she…just…?
Sidonie’s response was what immediately brought Danica back to reality and the first thing she saw was the large red wilt she had harshly imprinted on Rook’s face. He stared blankly at her, so completely baffled that there was no room in his heart to be angry or even to feel hurt as his cheek stung from the force of the smack. 
Rook only stared at Danica, heavily breathing with a fire in her eyes he never expected to see in one normally so docile and serene. It was as though the girl in front of him now wasn’t Danica at all, not the Danica he was enraptured with, but someone else entirely. Someone vicious, someone intense, with passion beyond her years. He found it strangely enchanting but, more than anything, he found it terrifying. 
“Danica…what…what has happened to you?” was all he could ask, and even then, Rook was unsure what else to say to her, or even if anything he could say could possibly get through to her. “This isn't you. What happened to our parfait petit cygne? What happened to the sweet girl that we all…”
“Sweet girl?! SWEET GIRL?!” Danica began laughing frantically. “First of all, keep my sister’s name out of this! Second of all, nothing has happened! That sweet girl? SHE’S GONE! She’s never coming back and it’s all your fault! And lastly, for all your talk about beauty, you really don’t seem to understand it as well as you think!” 
She stepped forward and for the first time since knowing her, Rook found himself stepping back from her. Retreating from the black swan that had taken over the girl he adored. Vil on the other hand, continued to watch from a corner in the hallway, intrigued by this new side of Danica previously unknown to him. 
He certainly felt her anger was uncalled for, and far from befitting a Pomefiore student. But at the same time, Vil felt that Rook had no business bringing up Fiona and there was something almost riveting in the way Danica expressed her rage. And all in defense of him no less. 
I don’t need you to defend me. And I certainly don’t need you sticking up for such an inferior performance. I hurt you and Neige still did better than us. So why…why…?
Besides his father, he had never once known someone to advocate so fiercely for him and it was enough for Vil to find himself strangely taken with her at that moment and, stranger still, curious as to what she would say next. 
“You think Vil’s performance wasn’t as beautiful as Neige’s, well do you want to know what I think is beautiful? That in spite of all the agony he has gone through, despite going through probably the darkest moment of his life, Vil was still able to stand upon the stage until the end and give the best performance he could! Perseverance against all odds, against a world that hates him!”
“Oh, Danica,” Sidonie went over to Danica, trying to comfort her but she wouldn’t have it. She actually pushed Sidonie away as she continued her tirade. 
“THAT is what truly makes Vil the fairest one of all! THAT IS WHAT MAKES HIM MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN NEIGE!”
No…oh no…she’s…right…no…
Vil was afraid of something like this and soon felt his heart begin to race. Danica had made a perfectly valid point and it was enough to make Vil briefly resent his vice dorm leader if a freshman could see what he clearly couldn’t. He quickly pinched himself, reminding himself that what he was feeling was objectively wrong. And yet…and yet…
“Even if he wasn’t feeling confident, he was still able to set all of that aside for the good of his team!” Danica went on. “It’s easy to be beautiful when everything is going right in your world, but if you ask me, being able to present yourself to the world with a smile on your face even when it's not easy, even when you're struggling and your heart is breaking, is the most beautiful thing someone can do!”
No…no…SHE’S RIGHT! Vil gritted his teeth. I worked so hard on Absolutely Beautiful, even composed the music myself as well as the lyrics! We all worked hard and stood on the stage together, and for what?! To be outplayed by such childish tactics! 
Vil was wrong for briefly giving himself over to his frustration, and he was wrong in his desire to use Danica to manipulate the audience. But in the end, Vil remained true to his principles and for the most part, he never once considered taking the easy way out. Neige would never know what it was like to have the world have preconceived notions of him before ever knowing him. He would never know the anguish of being a villain and knowing people hated him for no other reason besides being beautiful and remarkable. And Neige would certainly never know the lewd objectification Danica had been subjected to. 
It’s always been this way! Since we were children! I was never adored! Never given a chance! WHEN WILL MY CHANCE COME?!
Even if the world was an unfair place, it didn’t mean Vil had to accept it. He was swiftly beginning to see Rook in a different light and he didn’t know whether to  respect Danica for her insight or hate her for it. 
“Do you want to know what your problem is, Rook? Your ideas of beauty are based upon fantasy, upon everything being perfect and pure despite reality being the complete opposite. You were so caught up in how wholesome Neige was on stage you couldn't see how thoroughly inferior they were! And for what?! What struggles has Neige ever had, huh?! Really?!”
“Neige HAS had his own struggles!” Rook responded, rather sharply. “Vil knows that as well as anyone who pays attention to him on a deeper level! You are clouded by your resentment of him that YOU can’t see all the hard work he put in and the obstacles he had to overcome! Both you and Vil were born with many blessings Neige was not afforded so…”
“So Neige deserved to win because he came from a less fortunate background?” asked Danica. “Not because he’s more talented than Vil, but because…”
“And yet despite all his struggles, Neige continues to strive to be the best version of himself, greeting everyone he encounters with a smile.” Rook folded his arms and, still unaware of Vil’s presence, continued, “That is why he is able to move others in a way Vil cannot. What about Vil? He couldn’t even handle that there might be one fairer than he, and you see what happened…”
You see what happened…
This statement hit Vil like a truck because of course, it was true. After seeing how well received Neige was, he couldn’t handle that NRC Tribe was likely to lose. He couldn’t handle it and in a moment of blind rage, nearly cursed him with the aftermath nearly costing Danica’s life. 
A poison derived from an obsession with beauty bordering on madness…
YOU KILLED HER! YOU’LL NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH SHE CARED ABOUT YOU! SHE LOVED YOU AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY HER?!
“Vil obsession with defeating Neige drove him to madness. He couldn’t handle the madness and that’s why I chose to vote against him.”
Once again, Rook was holding up a mirror, revealing the monster Vil truly was. No. It didn’t matter how hard he worked, it didn’t matter if Neige’s performance was objectively worse. At least Neige’s heart was pure, and it remained pure in spite of all of his aforementioned hardships. He would never think to poison a rival performer and he would never behave in such an undignified manner when things weren’t going his way. 
“How can anyone be so mean? He must be pretty messed up.”
“He’s probably just as twisted in his private life.”
“He can never pull off being a hero.”
No. Danica was wrong, she was naive and couldn’t see Vil for the monster he truly was. He had heard enough, he could no longer stand by and listen to how she wrongfully berated his vice dorm leader. When all Rook was ever guilty of was seeing beauty in everything, almost to a fault, and being the only person in Vil’s life willing to be honest with him. He left his corner, walking over to the three as Danica began crying again.
“You still don’t understand, I don’t know why I’m wasting my breath!” she said. “You know nothing about beauty and nothing about..”
“THAT’S ENOUGH DANICA!” 
Vil walked over to Danica, appearing as he had just walked in on this terrible scene and hadn’t been watching for several minutes. He took one look at Rook’s red face and roughly grabbed her arm, regarding her coldly. 
“I saw everything and I know you know better!” he said. “Putting your hands on your own vice dorm leader, I could have you sent to Crowley for expulsion right now!”
“But Vil-san!” Danica cried. “It’s not right and…”
“No buts! You should be ashamed!” He released her arm with equal roughness. “Such crass behavior is something I wouldn’t even expect from Epel! What has gotten into you?!”
Danica took several steps back from Vil, catching her breath as the realization of what she had done came to her. She didn’t know what had come over to her yet at the same time, a part of her really didn’t care either. Rook was in the wrong here and the mention of her sister was the final straw. But it was Vil’s response that was really confusing her. 
“Rook has every right to vote for who he wants to and it’s NOT your place to question it!” Vil went on. He turned to Rook, locking eyes with him as they both shared a silent, hurtful understanding. “Rook is not bound to loyalty, even if his actions hurt, they come from a good place. You’re just too naive to understand that!”
“Naive?!” Sidonie pulled Danica away from both Rook and Vil. “You’re both naive if you think…”
“Stop this!” Rook shouted. He was willing to accept Danica’s rejection, accept her rage, and even accept her hands. But he would not accept his devotion to beauty coming into question. He addressed Danica. “I do not regret my decision and nothing you say will change that! I only regret that my decision has clearly caused you pain.”
“Do not apologize Rook,” said Vil, glaring at Danica. “Danica, you apologize to Rook for smacking him. You had no right to and you ought to be happy in any case. After all, you won the VDC with your seductive wiles and became the black swan you always wanted to be!”
“I…I…” 
“What? Do you honestly think people voted for you because of your talent and skill? Spare me!” Vil turned his back to Danica, meant as a sign of contempt but in truth so she wouldn’t see his own tears as he continued tearing into her. And saying things far from what he actually thought. “You seduced the crowd like the black swan seduced the prince! Seducing the audience and dooming the RSA Divas to defeat! Whatever tactics Neige used to get the crowd’s attention, you’re just as guilty! Hell, you’re even worse!” 
“No…no…YOU DON’T REALLY BELIEVE THAT!” Danica cried. “I refuse to believe that! Not after you said…”
“You’re just jealous you didn’t win!” snapped Sidonie. “But don’t take it out on Danica, she did nothing wrong and you know it!” 
“Believe whatever you want, Little Potato! The truth still remains regardless!” Vil didn’t even bother acknowledging Sidonie’s statement, as this all was painful enough. “Now, I won’t ask you again, apologize to Rook!”  
Danica couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She stared at both her dorm leaders, feeling short of breath as she struggled to find her words. Far be it from her to apologize to Rook but at the same time, there was one thing she still wished to know. 
“Rook-san…” she began, “Will you at least answer me this: which girls’ team did you vote for? Did you at least…”
Rook wasted no words, once again confirming the worst. “Your performance was quite intense, just as you’re acting right now. You and your black swans were incredibly stunning, but also frightening. The performance you gave came from a place of anger, just as you are right now,” he shook his head. “Indeed, you are not the same person you once were, and I couldn’t vote for you in good conscience, Danica. I am sorry.”
At this, Danica couldn’t take it anymore. She wouldn’t dare apologize to someone who clearly knew so little about her and thought so little of what he did know. 
“I HATE YOU! NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN!!!” 
Wholly overwhelmed, she pressed her hands in her face, screaming loudly as she ran past her dorm leaders and didn’t look back. In the distance, the loud sound of a slamming door echoed down the hallway and the three upperclassmen knew Danica was back in her room. They stared down the hallway in silence for several moments before Sidonie shook her head. 
“Swans are beautiful, but they are not fragile,” she said. “Do you remember when I said that to you, Rook?”
Rook turned to her, slowly nodding but not saying anything else. Vil scoffed. 
“What does that have to do with anything?” he asked. 
“Swans are beautiful, but when they’re provoked, when they’re hurt, they fight back,” she glared at both of her dorm leaders. “All Danica wanted was support but both of you only saw her as an object! A pretty white swan to love and adore and not the actual fucking human that she is!” 
“Your language!” Vil snapped. “And what do you mean by that?!”
“Just what I said! You and Rook only saw Danica as a pure white swan and your mistake was thinking she would just be that way forever! But now our swan is realizing her power and because neither of you could value her as she is, she’s biting back! So don’t you dare, either of you, look down on her now when she’s only responding to how badly you’ve both treated her!” 
Sidonie ran off to her own room and neither Vil nor Rook tried to stop her. Both of them were rendered speechless by every emotion they were feeling. And both of them, too overwhelmed to even try to comprehend them. 
~~~
Pomefiore Dorm ~ Danica’s Room
Finally back in her own room, her sanctuary and reprieve from everything, Danica collapsed face first on her bed. Taking in the familiar scent and soaking the blankets with her tears. Her throat was hoarse from all the screaming and her limbs were sore, but even then, that wasn’t even the worst of her pain.
Whatever Vil had done, at the very least, Danica could understand his motives even if she did not agree with them. Rook’s actions on the other hand left Danica completely confused and even more hurt. Her mind returned to winter break and the time they spent together the day before the masquerade. At that time, Danica was convinced by Rook’s actions that he only had eyes for her, which made her feelings for Vil all the more confusing. Those moments stayed with her all throughout the training camp and was why she still wished to believe his feelings were true in spite of all she had seen today.
But unlike Vil, who only wished for her to perform the role of a pure white swan, Rook on the other hand expected Danica to be a pure white swan. And when she could not maintain that role in good conscience, he turned his back on her. It was inexcusable, and the more she thought about it, the more she realized how cruel Rook had been to treat her so kindly when he was still capable of such things. At least whenever Vil was critical, he meant it from a place of kindness. 
There was nothing kind about what Rook had done to her or Vil. And Danica knew that if she continued caring for him, she would always only ever be second in his eyes. She would always be second to girls prettier or more charming, second to the intriguing beastmen that always caught his attention, and she would always be second to Neige Leblanche. A person Rook didn’t even really know, someone he only admired from afar and probably saw as just another adoring fan.
But Neige Leblanche was the exact kind of perfect swan that Rook desired and as she had been reminded of for weeks, a black swan couldn’t stand by the side of a prince.
I’m such an idiot! I’m an idiot! I’M AN IDIOT!
Outside the door, Sidonie could hear the loud, hoarse sobbing coming from within. She didn’t even bother to knock and thankfully, the door was still unlocked. Sidonie entered Danica’s room, gently closing the door and locking it before going over to Danica, who was laying face first on the bed and took no notice of her at first. Sidonie watched her for several moments with a heavy heart, before noticing the music box on the nightstand. She took it and wound it up, the soft melody finally catching Danica’s attention and momentarily putting a stop to her tears. 
“It’s a wonder you still have tears left to cry, my dear,” Sidonie sighed, tenderly stroking the younger girls’ hair. “After all that you’ve endured.”
“It hurts, it hurts so bad…” Danica replied, her voice muffled by the pillows. “I can’t stop crying, I try but I can’t, it just hurts but crying hurts too…”
“I know, I know, it’s okay,” Sidonie softly shushed her, coaxing Danica to turn around to face her. She smiled. “I don’t know what has happened between you and Rook, but I know they hurt you and I cannot forgive that. Especially when you've done nothing wrong.”
“B…but I have…” Danica whimpered, turning her face back to the pillows. “Even if we won, I still became a black swan! Vil is right! And now Rook no longer cares about me! It’s all my fault!”
“Hush!” Sidonie gave the pillow a firm tap. “None of this is your fault! If Rook’s love for you was dependent on you remaining innocent and sweet forever, then he never loved you to begin with! He only loved an idea of you that was never real!”
“But Neige Leblanche is real! He’s innocent and sweet and exactly what Vil and Rook wanted me to be,” she sighed. “And because I couldn’t…”
“No, stop right there. We’ve talked about this once already,” said Sidonie. “At the time I didn’t really understand it but I do now. Danica, do you want to know what innocence really is?” Danica glanced up at her, nodding as she wiped her face with her hand. “Innocence is the absence of knowledge, and in your case, to remain innocent would be to remain ignorant of the incredible power you have as a performer. It’s easy to fall under the spell of innocence but it is still a contempt meant for children, at some point we all lose it but that’s not a bad thing! It has to happen to become an adult!”
“Sidonie-san…”
“What Vil wanted was for you to hide your brilliance away, and Rook said your performance frightened him because Rook couldn’t handle it. But you don’t deserve to be ignorant of your gifts, you deserve to wield them as you see fit.”
Sidonie pulled Danica into a tender embrace, holding her and allowing her to cry into her chest. She gave her hand a gentle squeeze, softly rocking back and forth to calm her down.
“I know it hurts, but you aren’t to blame. Fuck Vil for trying to repress you. Fuck Rook for his unwillingness to accept you, and fuck the rest of the world for how they resent people as incredible as you. But you never did anything wrong, and the fact that you won as a black swan is proof of it!” 
With teary eyes, Danica gazed up at Sidonie and for the first time in weeks, saw the kindness and support she felt herself lacking for so ong. She couldn’t describe it, but something about the gentle way Sidonie treated her always reminded her of Fiona. She had been Danica’s greatest support when she was alive and her death left Danica all the more lonely and unsure of herself. But in Sidonie, she felt the same unconditional love and support she could always rely on from her sister and, for the briefest moments, it was enough for her to soothe her. 
“You’re the only one who understands,” she sniffed. 
“I only want what's best for you, Danica,” replied Sidonie. “Even if they mean well, our dorm leaders really dropped the ball regarding how they’ve treated you.”
And that is why I want to replace Vil. This is why I want to be Pomefiore’s dorm leader.
“You will always be enough, if you continue to strive to be the best performer you can be and compromise yourself for no one. 
“Thank you, Onee…I mean, Sidonie-san…”
“Try to get some rest. Everything will look better and brighter with fresh eyes unsullied by tears.” Sidonie smiled. “I will stay here with you for as long as you need,”
Soon enough, the weight of all Danica was feeling finally became too much for her and mercifully allowed her to finally drift off to sleep. True to her word, Sidonie remained by her side and did not leave for a long time. 
As Danica slept, Sionie sat on the bed beside her. On the nightstand next to the music box sat the Pomefiore rosette Farron had crafted for Danica, a commission from a secret admirer. Though Farron was sworn to secrecy, Sidonie was already aware of which of their dorm leaders had requested the gift, as he had let the secret casually drop during a Science Club meeting some weeks prior. 
She shook her head, even though she knew, it really was a beautiful accessory and Farron had done a beautiful job crafting it. For that reason, along with how lovely Danica was when she wore it with her dorm uniform, she resolved that she would never tell her that Rook was the one who commissioned it. If she could help it, it would forever remain a mystery to her. 
~~~
Sometime During Winter Break…
How did I end up in this predicament?
Danica silently asked herself this as she tried to focus her mind on remaining silent and still and away from the pervasive itch crawling up her back. She was doing so well remaining hidden and her pride wouldn’t allow her to give up now. He would surely hear the movement and she would be found faster than the time it would take to soothe the itch and reposition herself in her hiding place. 
Yet at the same time, a strange feeling stirred within her that secretly made her want to be discovered. This was such an odd game. Danica hadn’t played hide and seek since she was a child and she imagined the next time she’d play would be with her own children several years down the road. Not with Rook Hunt of all people and not in his family villa. But that was exactly what she was doing. 
To distract herself from her increasing desire to move around, Danica thought about the events that led up to this and how she found herself here in the first place. Soon after Christmas, her parents had allowed her to take a solo trip to Sunset Savanna to visit Taima, Lilianne and their family. They spent the last few days of the year working on music Danica would present to Vil when she returned to school and on the last day of her stay, visited the marketplace together. 
While exploring on her own, Danica was surprised to run into Rook and was even more surprised when he told her he was spending his winter break there with his family, she had always figured he was from Shaftlands like her and Vil. After chatting for a bit, Rook invited Danica to spend some time with him and Taima and Lilianne convinced her that she should. She required little convincing though she began to feel nervous when they arrived at his home and she realized they were completely alone. Cut to a few hours later and somehow he had convinced her to play this impromptu game with him, tempting her with the idea that the many empty rooms would provide ample places to hide. 
“No corner of this house is off limits to you, not that you will be able to elude me for very long, ma cherie,” he told her with a teasing little grin. “It’s not a matter of if I will find you, but when.”
The closet of an empty bedroom was where she decided to hide from Rook. She even made a point of not turning on any lights and closing the closet door so this room would appear completely untouched. But as the minutes ticked away, her heart began to race at the idea that she could be discovered at any moment. Rook was strangely very good at finding things, especially people, something Danica knew firsthand. The outcome of this was inevitable, and as she felt the need to move grow stronger by the second, she wondered if preserving her pride was really worth this discomfort. Especially when she secretly was looking forward to what would happen when Pomefiore’s dashing hunter inevitably discovered her. 
Through the closet keyhole, Danica could see the faintest sliver of light from the hallway, trickling into the room. Her heart stopped and the itch on her back was temporarily replaced with a strangely pleasant tingling sensation as the light became brighter. Rook walked in and turned on the light, and the fact that he hadn’t left right away could only mean one thing. But she remained still and as silent as the grave, maybe Rook wouldn’t notice anything out of the ordinary and move on to another room. If such happened, she would finally leave her hiding spot, having bested him. Looking through the keyhole, Danica eagerly watched as Rook quietly walked around and, strangely enough, placed the photo frames on the nightstand face down. His head turned to the closet and she held her breath, even closing her eyes so as to not catch any of the light in the room. A minute passed, followed by a few, and Rook’s movements went silent. 
“It appears mon petit cygne is nowhere to be found in this room,” he mused aloud, turning his head from the closet. “I must search another room, it seems.”
The way he sounded, Danica couldn’t decipher if he was truly talking to himself or trying to lure her out. Either way, she resolved to remain silent. Completely forgetting her discomfort for the time being as she listened to his footsteps approach the door, before stopping once again.
“Ah, what a lovely fragrance. Soft and sweet, like mon petit cygne.”
Rook’s footsteps were picking up again and Danica pressed her hands to her lips. Her cheeks burned with the realization that he likely smelled the perfume she was wearing, a fragrance she had crafted herself that she frequently wore at school. She silently damned herself for wearing it but at the same time, how was she to know that she would be playing this game today? Rook continued to muse about the scent, deliberately stopping right at the door of the closet as Danica tried to quietly move back further into her hiding place. She felt her back hit the wall, making a soft thump sound that she was certain that if she heard, Rook did as well. A soft chuckle all but stopped her heart. 
“I wonder, were I to follow this lovely scent…” The doorknob turned and on instinct, Danica squeezed her eyes shut even as light poured in and Rook entered the closet, his quarry within his grasp. “…will it lead me to mon petit cygne?” 
“Rook-san!”
His name spoken in a high pitched gasp was all she could muster before she found herself cornered by her charming vice dorm leader. Rook wasted no time wrapping his arms around her waist as he pulled her out of the closet with him. Danica put up a half-hearted struggle against him but his embrace tightened and quickly conceded defeat, both of them laughing the entire time. 
“To think, twice now I’ve had the privilege to hunt such an enchanting creature,” he whispered against her hair. 
“Oh…Rook…” Against his chest, Danica felt the heat rising in her chest and undoubtedly showing on her face. She took in his scent and with it, a powerful desire for Rook to never let her go. Without realizing it, she nuzzled against him. “You knew I was there the entire time, didn’t you?”
“Oui,” he confirmed. “And not just by your perfume, the way you shifted in the closet, your footsteps that I heard from downstairs, and the subtle way your breath hitched as I came to this room and turned on the light. All pointed to me discovering you here.”
“Hmmm, I guess I should have known better to think I could hide from you for long,” a soft chuckle rumbled against her chest followed by a gentle hand running down her back. She gazed up at him before quickly lowering her head. His smile made her blush. “But what do you mean by twice? We’ve…never done anything like this before at school.”
“Ah but we have, cherie,” he gently pulled away from her, lifting her chin up so her eyes could once again meet him. “Even if you do not realize, from the moment we met, I have always had my hunter’s gaze upon you.”
Danica closed her eyes as she pondered his words. She recalled their first meeting, how Rook came across her trying to hurry back to Pomefiore after sneaking off after orientation. She couldn’t help but wonder how long he was watching her walk down the dark empty halls of the school before finally making himself known to her. At the time, her primary concern was returning to her dorm as fast as she could before she could incur Vil’s wrath, but did Rook also consider this a part of their game?
“How could a hunter like myself not desire to chase something so beautiful?” he asked, pressing her closer and bringing his lips to her ear before continuing with, “and how could I ever allow her to escape me now that she is finally in my arms?”
“Rook-san…what do you mean by…haaaaaa…!!”
In a quick and sudden gesture, Rook swept Danica off the ground. A loud shriek escaped her lips before she could finish her question, surprised by his ability to lift her so easily and thrilled by his strength in doing so. She giggled, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck as he spun her around, kicking her feet in the air like an excited child. 
“I don’t think I could ever escape you, Rook-san,” she blushed. “Even if I wanted to. But could you at least put me down?”
Rook laughed, carrying her over to the bed and placing her back on her feet before taking a seat on the edge of the bed and beckoning her to join him there. She sat beside him, lowering her gaze as he moved closer and placed an arm around her. He was so warm, and she felt a strangely tender sensation being so close to him. It was the same feeling she got whenever she and Vil were alone; tender, comforting, oddly addictive but extremely confusing. Why did her heart have to be so indecisive? 
“You were kind enough to indulge me in one of my deepest desires, ma cherie,” Rook smiled at her. “And for that, merci. Will you now allow me to grant you a desire of your own?”
“I…really?” She felt the heat return to her face. “If…all you wanted was to play this game with me, I think we could have arranged it sooner. I wouldn’t have minded, maybe not in the dorm though so Vil-san wouldn’t scold us.”
He laughed again, lifting her gaze to his. He murmured something to her in French that Danica didn’t fully pick up, but she did understand the words “adorable” and “my precious heart”. Her own heart began to race; Rook was often flirtatious with her, but never like this. 
The words he was using, how close he was now, the fact they were alone, everything about their dynamic was quickly taking on a whole new meaning the longer she spent in his presence. There was a strong sense of intimacy in the way he regarded her though they were not even touching. Her heart was confused but he continued in this  manner, she wondered if she might finally find the answer she was looking for. 
“You…want to grant me one of my desires…?” she softly asked. “I’m afraid I have many, and I’m not sure where to begin.”
“Ahhh, and I would grant every last one if given the opportunity,” he replied, slightly narrowing his gaze towards her face, and leaning into her lips. “But for now, allow me to give you this…”
For the last few hours, Danica sat with Rook and felt as his words slowly began to take on a more intimate feel. She looked into his eyes and felt her heart pounding every time he would smile or compliment her. She agreed to play hide and seek with him and while she tried to make an effort to find a decent hiding place, secretly looked forward to having him find her. 
Looking around her, she had the feeling that they were now in his room as the bed she sat upon had a comforting scent that was strangely familiar. And now, he was closer than ever. She watched how his face leaned into hers. And felt how his fingertips softly brushed against her cheek and pulled her face closer to his. But somehow, Danica could not believe that such a thing could happen. Something out of a fairy tale or like the saccharine sweet song lyrics she wrote in middle school. Something so perfectly in alignment with her deepest, most secret desires. This had to be a dream. 
But it wasn’t. And as Danica continued pondering such, Rook finally closed the distance between their lips. A soft, hesitant kiss, if testing the waters, seeking a response before going deeper. A thousand jolts of electricity went off in her body at once but the warmth of his lips against hers quickly melted away any anxiety in her heart, replaced with glowing realization and a burning desire for more. She responded eagerly at first, kissing him back, but when she felt a hand run down her leg, she pulled away. 
“Rook-san!” Danica gasped, her face a bright, hot apple red. “Why…you…”
“What’s wrong, cherie?” Rook asked, “I haven’t made you uncomfortable, have I?”
“N…no…” she took several deep breaths, working up the courage to look up and meet his gaze. “I’m not uncomfortable, just…surprised. I never thought…I never imagined that you…that you actually wanted…”
“As I’ve said before, cherie, it is not in my nature to ignore something so beautiful when it is right in front of me.” he gently placed both his hands on either side of her face. “It is my greatest desire that you will allow me to pay tribute to your radiance.”
“Rook…” 
She placed her hands on top of his and wanted to move them away, but found she couldn’t. But soon enough, he removed them himself, replaced with his arms fully enfolding her as he pushed them back onto the bed. 
“Rook…please…”
“You are an angel walking amongst mortals, cherie, and I see in your eyes what your lips hesitate to say.” Rook kissed her again, and again, and again, not leaving a single inch of her face untouched by his lips. “You want this don’t you? So why do you deny your heart what it so earnestly desires?”
Danica didn’t realize that her eyes were closed and when she finally opened them again, she felt her face go ablaze at the way Rook was looking at her. Kindness and desire illuminated in his emerald gaze. She was at a loss for words but knew she had to find them soon before she allowed him to do something she feared she might regret. 
After all, it would be so much easier if Rook was the only person preoccupying her heart. But he wasn’t. And until she could finally make a decision and cease being so fickle, Rook did not deserve to give his heart to someone who was only half-sure of him. With all the strength she possessed, she forced her body forward, removing herself from his warmth, a very difficult task indeed. 
“You’re…right, I do want this,” she sighed. “I want this more than anything in the world right now.”
“Ah, then allow me to grant you your desire, mon petit cygne,” Rook held her again against his chest, peppering her cheek with soft little kisses as she trembled in his embrace. “There’s no need to be nervous, I'm going to cherish you in the way lovers do.”
“But that’s just it,” Danica summoned further courage to further pull away. “I…this is a lot…I’ve never felt this way before. No one has ever made me feel so…” she blushed. “…special…I…I need time to think about this…I don’t…ahhh…” He appeared as though he were about to kiss her again and she moved further away. “You want us to be lovers, but, will you allow me some time to think about this?”
“You are very special to me, Danica.” Rook smiled. “You stir my heart in ways I cannot describe.” He reached out to her and pulled away a lock of her dark hair, placing a tender kiss on her forehead. “But I understand what I ask is not to be taken lightly and far be it from me to make you uncomfortable.”
“I’m sorry,” Danica sighed as she rose to her feet. “I’m sorry I’m like this, but…”
“Please don’t apologize, cherie. I will give you all the time you need to consider my proposal. And when you are ready to give me your answer, let me know. I am looking forward to the day you will allow me to shower you with all my adoration.” 
He stood up as well, pulling her into one final embrace. It didn’t occur to him at all to feel disappointed by her answer. Rather, he saw her response merely as extending the game between them. There was nothing wrong with a little resistance, it made the hunt all the more intriguing, and all the more delightful when Danica finally allowed Rook to have her.
“Just like the prince who adored the white swan, I plan to cherish you in the exact same manner.” 
~~~
With the sound of her music box playing in the darkness, Danica began to rise from her sleep. Bitter memories of sweeter times long gone haunting her dreams, reminding her of the cruelty of her reality and not allowing her to rest. And when she finally opened her eyes again she realized it was already night time. 
Sidonie was long gone, but it didn’t bother her much as she looked at her phone and saw it was past midnight. And she also saw a single text from Iman. 
Call me or Taima when you get a chance, and don’t look at magicam until you do.
~~~
(A/N: I really hope you all like this chapter, because it really was a labor to complete it and everytime I came back to it, I was also coming back to some extremely painful memories that I’d rather bury in my past forever. 
I’m not going to get into this again but for those who know me, know that I have very deep and personal feelings about all of Book 5 but especially the ending. It’s because of how Book 5 ended is why I ended up throwing out what I originally planned for this story and honestly while I think this fic is much better than what I originally planned, writing it has been quite an emotional journey and not always in a good way. It’s rather remarkable, but also frustrating, how many feelings this anime mickey mouse bishie mobile game can give me but maybe that’s just a testament to the writing.
But now we are almost to the end. The final chapter of this fic will come out a week from today and the remaining VDC dress vignettes will be uploaded within that time. Please look forward to it. And as always, thank you for reading and feedback is appreciated! ❤️)
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theylovewamiii · 1 year
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Reflective Essay
By Jhamel John T. Reyes
Any individual wishes for a whole and happy family. Having dinner at night together, praying and serving God together, connection within and outside the house, and most importantly, spreading love to all family members. Whatever the cause of the family problem, it can be overcome by sticking together, supporting and helping one another. That's what I saw in Leron F. Aarons's film Prayers for Bobby. This is not your typical movie about prayers; it is also about LGBT acceptance. Bobby Griffith, a young man who lived in a small town in the United States in the early 1980s, is the subject of the film Prayers for Bobby. It's the beginning of the AIDS epidemic, and the presumption in homosexuality is growing. In this story, I just wanted to express how grateful I am for his story, as tragic and sad as it is. The entire world is wanting to share and going to support it. And he appears to be a genuine, sympathetic guy, and after watching the movie, I feel so much sadness for other Bobbys out there Bobbys who have religious, ignorant parents and don't prioritize love. It revolved around the Griffiths, a family of six members led by Robert Griffith, the father and husband, and Mary Griffith, the mother of four children and Robert's wife. Ed Griffith is the oldest of the four, followed by Bobby Griffith, Joy Griffith, and Nancy Griffith. Bobby does not want to tell his mother about his homosexuality, but his brother did. Then came the emotional journey that led Bobby to take his own life.
         Prayers for Bobby is based on a true story about a man who is fighting to not be a homosexual because of our judgmental society. This is a concerning situation in our community because other people and religious groups cannot accept the fact that there are gays and lesbians who are attempting to express themselves through who they are, how they dress, and how they see themselves in the future with the same sex partner. Since the 1970s, much of the world has become more accepting of homosexual acts and relationships. Since that year, homosexuals have been free to express themselves, but there are some families, specifically a religious family, who do not accept their children to be that type of person.That is precisely what happens in the movie Prayers for Bobby they try to prevent Bobby from becoming homosexual because it is a sin, her mother wants them to be together in the afterlife that is what her mother is thinking, not their current life. Mary begins to doubt her faith after her son's suicide because Bobby killed himself and she wonders what will happen to his soul. After much soul searching, Mary came to the harsh realization that there was nothing wrong with Bobby in God's eyes. Reality hits Mary when she loses her son as a result of what she sees on the surface of the Bible without delving deeper into what the true message of the Bible is.
         To be sincere, I found this film interesting because it is very realistic and relatable to human life; even though I am not a homosexual, it is relatable because of faith and family love. I was both happy and sad. I'm happy because their family did everything they could to keep one of their family members, Bobby, from becoming a homosexual, which the Bible says is a sin. And what her mother thinks. I am extremely disappointed with the outcome that Bobby ended his life as a result of those problems; they did not support Bobby in his happiness; they support Bobby in being cured and not being a homosexual, which is very disappointing to hear from his own family.Mary loves her son so deeply that she did every thing she could to save him from homosexuality, which she believes is a sin. That is what a mother's love can do for her son,  she is already planning her family's afterlife while living in the present. This is a meaningful film, a very meaningful film with many moral lessons. Unlike other films with similar plots and limited thrills, this one is unique. Every setting in the story was amazing to me, as were the actors, the story, and the sound and light effects. The story's flow is simply amazing to watch. A family will not survive any problem, no matter how it appears if love is not visible and felt within the family. A family that lacks love is an indication that the family is unhealthy. For me, the love within the family helps them survive and overcome the loss of one of their family members; they see Bobby's worth when he is already dead, which is sad to think about, but it is relevant today. Obviously, I like this movie a lot. I like everything about it because of the true-to-life story that drew me in. And the moral lessons that I've learned here are very prevalent. You can't live without adversity, so keep fighting.
5 STAGES OF GRIEF
         As I reflect on the five stages of grief, I will begin with DENIAL. I could indeed pertain to the definition of this stage. Because I'm always naughty to my parents in my condition. I let myself set aside and lock myself in my room if they were going to argue with me. I don't want to hear all of their yelling. Then, in the film, Bobby and his/her mother argue, and Bobby decides to declare that he is gay. But his/her mother refuses to accept Bobby's confession. The following stage is ANGER. I'm somewhat related to the stage of anger because I'm always frustrated, upset, and I have anger issues that I can cure by playing Basketball at the court. Moving on to the topic, in the film, her mother argued with each other, and they stopped talking, implying that both of them are angry. The third stage is BARGAINING. It's almost like reaching an agreement at this point. Bobby is now challenging himself to her problems in the film, but he can't handle them one at a time. To be honest, I can't relate to the mentioned stage because I'm happy and free these days. I have no objections. The second to last stage is DEPRESSION, which many teenagers experience. Bobby is now depressed in the film. He can no longer deal with his problems and decides to commit suicide. That is not the mindset I want in my current situation. Because we're only children. We don't yet have jobs, nor do we have academic titles. So Why? Be cautious about the goals we set for ourselves. Finally, the final stage is ACCEPTANCE, because in the story, Bobby's mother accepts her gay son and decides to join an LGBT program to support LGBT people. In my situation, my Mom and I accept each other, which is a good thing because I'm fortunate to have a mother who accepts who I am. She accepts me despite the fact that I am not a typical boy.
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laursenkorsholm39 · 4 months
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17 Greatest Free Bitcoin Mining Apps Crypto Miner Websites 2023
Aeternity is an open-source clever platform launched in January 2017. It aims to solve the scalability and safety issues that many cryptocurrencies face. As its blockchain has switched to the proof-of-stake consensus mechanism, Ethereum can not be mined. Peek at additional info , or a Graphics Processing Unit, is mainly a graphics video card we use for things like watching movies or playing games on our computers. While technically mining can be done on a mobile phone, in follow it won't yield any outcomes and doubtless just heat up the phone’s CPU. Since then the physique of the apostle and the gravestone are preserved in the crypt of the Basilica. The story is provided by Giambattista De Lectis, doctor and writer of the sixteenth century of Ortona. After the looting, the navarca Ortona Leone went to pray in the principle church of the island of Chios and was drawn to a chapel adorned and resplendent with lights. An elderly priest, through an interpreter informed him that in that oratory was venerated the Body of Saint Thomas the Apostle. The navarca Leone reached out and took a bone from the biggest hole of the tombstone, on which were carved the Greek letters and a halo depicted a bishop from the waist up. He was the confirmation of what he had stated the old priest and that you are indeed within the presence of the Apostle's physique. Yet, probably the most power environment friendly bitcoin mining rigs are the Antminer S19 Pro, S19a Pro, and the S19j Pro, all of that are 29.5 watt per terahash (W/TH). It would be greatest to take into account greater than just a machine’s hashing power. Some ASIC fashions may be taken offline based on how profitable they are; profitability itself varies with Bitcoin’s price and problem. While these numbers are useful, you also wants to go forward and use a profitability calculator such as the one out there from Coinwarz before ordering to estimate your return in BTC. Realize that there are some operating expenses that include electrical energy prices, and mining pool fees. A good profitability calculator permits you to exactly calculate your ROI (return on investment). This particular miner just isn't on the Best Bitcoin Miner in 2021 listing however gets an honorable point out. The A1047 hashes as a lot as 37 TH/s and makes about $7/day after electrical energy of 6¢/kWh is deducted. It is better to pre-order the ASIC miners from the producer with delivery in a couple of months. Unfortunately, the manufactures’ web sites have their gear offered out too quick right after the announcement, so you must hold an eye fixed. You can view the S9 as the bigger brother of the marginally underpowered T9. The specification is totally similar to the T9 mannequin, however the S9 has 189 BM1387 ASIC chips as an alternative of 171. Technically this Bitcoin miner is extra power-efficient than the T9, consuming about zero.098J/GH. That is why the same APW3++ 1600W energy supply can even energy one AntMiner S9. Just the Chinardo admiral was conscious of the dear cargo moved all of the sailors of the Muslim religion on different ships and ordered him to take the route to Ortona. The sole recorded research done about the topic was throughout José Gaspar Rodríguez de Francia's reign after the Independence of Paraguay. This is mentioned by Franz Wisner von Morgenstern, an Austro-Hungarian engineer who served in the Paraguayan armies prior and during the Paraguayan War. According to Von Morgenstern, some Paraguayan miners whereas working close by some hills on the Caaguazú Department found some stones with historic letters carved in them. Finder.com is an impartial comparison platform and knowledge service that aims to offer you the instruments you need to make higher decisions. The Bitmain Antminer L7 (9.5Gh/s) is doubtless certainly one of the finest Bitmain’s high-quality crypto mining hardware lineups. With its Scrypt algorithm and a maximum energy consumption of 3425W, this miner boasts spectacular efficiency. Released in November 2021, it has already generated important excitement in the market. However, what is “best” can rely upon different factors similar to electricity value and electrical setup. Another cryptocurrency utilizing public blockchain technology is Ethereum, which has similarities to bitcoin. Similar to Bitcoin, Ethereum is continuously mined to generate rewards within the type of Gas charges, transaction charges, and block rewards by a selection of miners around the globe. In truth, we contacted them about the sale of their G1 mini Grin miners last month, and have not yet obtained a response. However, like many other producers, their service center is positioned far away in China. Thus spare elements may be onerous to get ahold, and delivery costs are high. For example, one miner found that the fans were mounted the wrong means around after supply. This resulted in high inner temps and low hashing speed, but was simple to repair. An ASIC miner requires a variety of different components, some of which may be challenging to buy directly from manufacturers.
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To perceive how powerful this ASIC miner is, its efficiency is equal to round eighty GTX 1660 Super GPUs, whereas consuming 5 instances much less power. The company operates customer-owned Bitcoin mining rigs on their behalf, taking a 15% commission for the service. Its new facility will get power from Itaipu Dam, the country’s largest hydroelectric dam. It depends on how a lot energy they use, and the value of electricity to run them. However, the block you closed and obtained a reward for is not yet confirmed. The block isn't confirmed till five blocks later when it has gone through that many validations. Each block incorporates the hash of the earlier block—so when the following block's hash is generated, the previous block's hash is included.
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madewithonerib · 8 months
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Beholding the Glory of CHRIST P1,2,3,4,5,6 | Timothy J. Keller [John 17:20-26]
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Timothy Keller sermons via Gospel in Life: This is the end of the “great prayer” by JESUS, also known as HIS “priestly prayer.”
In this prayer, we see JESUS praying for HIS Disciples in the room with HIM, but also for future Christians.
If you are a Christian, this prayer is for you, & can give you the resources to face the challenges of life & of death itself. In these verses, we will see:
1.]  What we most need; 2.]  How to get it; and 3.]  What the outcome will be
This sermon was preached by Reverend Timothy Keller at Redeemer Presbyterian Church on June 25, 2017.
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Scripture: John 17:20-26
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John 17:20-26 | ²⁰ I am not asking on behalf of them alone, but also on behalf of those who will believe in ME through their message, ²¹ that all of them may be one, as YOU, FATHER, are in ME, & I am in YOU.
May they also be in US, so the world may believe that YOU sent ME. ²² I have given them the glory YOU gave ME, so they may be one as WE are one
²³ I in them & YOU in ME—so they may be perfectly united, so that the world may know YOU sent ME & have loved them 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘀 𝗬𝗢𝗨 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗱 𝗠𝗘.
²⁴ FATHER, I want those YOU have given ME to be with ME where I am, that they may see the glory YOU gave ME because YOU loved ME before the foundation of the world.
²⁵ Righteous FATHER, although the world has not known YOU, I know YOU, and they know that YOU sent ME. ²⁶ And I have made YOUR Name known to them & will continue to make it known, so that the love YOU have for ME may be in them—and I in them.”
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Introduction
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Tonight's Scripture reading is from John 17:20-26
This is GOD's Word so we've been going through this final prayer of JESUS just before HE died & you may have heard me say this in past weeks:
John Knox, the man who brought the Protestant Reformation to Scotland in the 1500s, when John Knox was dying—he had his wife read John 17.
And I hope that tonight you'll see why, you could do a lot worse and in some ways if the content of these seven verses doesn't equip you to face any challenge in life & death itself..
Then I'm really not sure what will.
In these verses which JESUS is praying for, literally for us see—v.20 HE says, "I'm not just praying for them," now HE's talking about HIS Disciples in the room with HIM.
HE says, "FATHER I'm not just praying for the people in the room. I'm praying for all those who'll believe in ME through their Message."
And that's all of us, anybody in this room, that is a Christian tonight—so HE's praying very specifically for us.
And what we're going to see here is we're going to learn what we most need & how to get it, and what the result will be.
But we most need how we can receive it & what the outcome the final result is going to be. So first of all what do I mean when I say what we most need?
Well I'm not going to tell you right off what I mean by that, but let's start by looking at this great petition
The last half of v.23, where JESUS says to the FATHER:
"FATHER I want that the world will know that YOU  sent ME—& have loved them even as YOU have  loved ME."
I want the world to know this is HIS petition: "That YOU sent ME & that YOU love them  𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝘀 𝗬𝗢𝗨 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗠𝗘."
Now when HE says I want the world to know that what HE's actually praying is, "I want the world to know the Gospel—because if you look at that those two things HE's praying for you.
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Beholding the Glory of CHRIST P1,2,3,4,5,6 | Timothy J. Keller [John 17:20-26]
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hardynwa · 1 year
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Afenifere slams INEC for disobeying electoral guidelines
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Pan-Yoruba socio-political organisation, Afenifere, has knocked the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) over the conduct and outcome of the February 25, 2023 Presidential and National Assembly Elections. According to Afenifere, the commission did not comply with electoral guidelines in the last election. The organisation made this assertion in a communique issued after its general meeting made available to newsmen by the Secretary General of the association, Mr Sola Ebiseni, in Akure, the Ondo State capital on Wednesday. According to the group, the alleged non-compliance with the electoral guidelines by the INEC caused a series of malpractices during the last general election. The communique partly reads,” The deliberate non-compliance by the Commission with these mandatory guidelines encouraged electoral brigandage at the polling units which included the destruction of ballot papers, snatching of ballot boxes; “Doctoring of figures and swapping of votes of candidates at the coalition centres by amended and outlawed manual procedures which rendered the 25th February 2023 Presidential and National Assembly elections flawed in several respects as confirmed by local and international observers. “The results of the lawful votes at the election available to the Afenifere through credible sources confirm that His Excellency Peter Gregory Obi, the Presidential candidate of the Labour Party won the said election and we thus support his decision challenging the contrary Declaration by the INEC.” The group insisted that the Labour Part’s candidate, Peter Obi won the presidential election, saying, “We denounced in strong terms and dissociate Afenifere from any congratulatory message in the name of the Organisation or howsoever to any candidate as illegally declared by the INEC.” “Afenifere reiterates that for equity, fairness, national cohesion and peaceful corporate existence, the next President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria shall be a person of its Southern part and specifically the South-East,” the statement added. It called on Nigerians to troop out en masse and participate fully in the governorship and houses of assembly elections coming up on Saturday, March 11, 2023. Recall that the leader of the group worldwide, Pa Reuben Fasoranti had earlier sent a congratulatory letter to the President-Elect, Tinubu on his victory in the last presidential election. In the letter, Fasoranti advised the President-Elect to avoid the mistakes of his predecessors. The letter read in part, “You now have the opportunity. Now is the time for you to prove me right. I pray to God to be with you. “In going about this, avoid the mistake of some of your forbears. Be fair to all concerned. Go ahead to unite the country, see and treat the country as one. “Be a federalist. Allow the big ethnic groups to exist and respect one another, but also allow the small ones to feel proud and wanted in the spirit of federalism as practised in the USA.” Read the full article
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chairbutter5 · 2 years
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Nine Small Modifications That Can Have A Big Impact On Your Android
The HTC 3G myTouch Slide cellphone is the newest edition to the HTC MyTouch household most T-Mobile Android customers have change into aware of. In Android apps , all these totally different methods are rendered useless within the occasion of a factory reset, so you’ll simply must hope and pray that whoever has your cellphone doesn’t have the sense to wipe your phone the second they scoop it up. Moreover all that, though, the same tips and tricks from the previous part apply - make certain your GPS is on and prepared for that one unfortunate second if you do occur to lose your telephone. Lost Android lets you remotely set up the app to your smartphone by way of the Google Play Store (granted your cellphone hasn’t been wiped and it’s still powered on) and get a few of the same great location options we mentioned in earlier sections. I solely call this device a last ditch effort due to its reliability, as it’s literally the only remote set up, “plan b,” “after the fact” solutions I’ve found for tracking down an Android smartphone (nicely, the ones that come with Android 4.0 or larger, anyway) that really works.
The Android Device Manager is pretty barebones in comparison, but it has the advantage of being pre-installed on every machine, so that you always know it’s there to have your again. You’re a lot less likely to lose your phone in case your wrist begins beeping every time you stroll away from it, so you probably have one then be sure to discover your options for activating these options. In case you have a particular Computer that unlocks the device, bring your telephone near that Pc and then reset the PIN, pattern, or password. We’ll need to expose this functionality to our fuzzer. We’ll be updating this guide with more such codes for specific phones, so test back once more in the future. Determining whether different household gadgets run on 3G could also be a bit extra complicated, nevertheless. “Something that got here with having the Android was that all my texts turned green on Apple units and i couldn’t FaceTime,” Lowitz stated.“I couldn’t text on my Mac computer because of the continuity within all of the Apple units. Group FaceTime is accessible on all devices where FaceTime is accessible, however on older Apple gadgets, Group FaceTime is out there in an audio-only capacity.
The Apple Watch isn't he only nice smartwatch in the marketplace. Safari Browser Priv With options like App Monitoring Transparency and privateness Nutrition Labels on the App Store, Apple has repeatedly increased its dedication to privacy and propagated it throughout the business. The Android app and the web consumer interface you use to manage it aren’t precisely what we’d call fairly, but as the Temptations often remind me, beauty really is only pores and skin deep, and Lost Android is some of the beautiful issues I’ve ever seen. Android Manager program means that you can backup Android phone contacts, SMS messages, and applications to your laptop in a single fell swoop. Anybody who purchased the first version of Cell Monopoly or perhaps heard about it will be inquisitive about understanding that Adam has modified his methods so the program takes into account model new technical advances and that he also made enhancements to his program earlier than rolling out the 2.0 model. Lastly, Bixby remains to be form of a large number: The options Samsung confirmed off at its keynote, like integrating third-party app outcomes with out having to first set up the apps, did not work well.
Alternatively, you should utilize SHAREit WebShare positioned on the Android app. Whatever you select to use ultimately depends on your own tastes or wants, however I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t let you already know that I believed AirDroid was the way to go for those who solely had to have one of those. Hopefully by now, you have got a good idea of your options within the occasion that you simply lose your Android phone. Most of these choices are preventative, so it’s good follow even when you haven’t misplaced or don’t suppose you possibly can lose your cellphone yet. The downside is that anyone who finds your device is probably going going to take away them (until they’re one in every of only a few good Samaritans still left in this world). As nicely as the file manager, Droid Switch permits you to simply use your Pc to access and handle your Android machine Photographs, Messages, Contacts and more.
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yourwitchmama · 3 years
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August 2021 predictions
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Lots of psychics have agreed that this month is going to be emotional, especially for women. You’re feeling the collective energy of this coming lockdown, and it might affect your mood, motivation, and even hormones. You might feel uninspired or lethargic. Earthing and breathing exercises are highly encouraged. Also, listen to positive aura cleansing music if you feel extra down. I’ll link it here! If you have men in your life, ask them how they are doing. Like, sincerely. Sometimes it’s harder for men to open up.
Know that the power of intention and prayer can change the outcome of our world and the energy of the collective. So, if you’re feeling extra negative, try to pray for positivity. Or, if you’re finding yourself feeling extra positive, share it with the world.
Some psychics are warning of a mass shooting somewhere in the United States. There will be around 20 people affected. Others are predicting flooding. This could also be an interpretation of energy and not specific events. August, especially end of august, will not be particularly comfortable. Expect unrest. Avoid at all costs any news you see on the media. This is a time of research using non censored search engines (DuckDuckGo is a good one) to do your own research. Don’t rely on a single page article or what someone on the news says. Look it up. There’s too much information to summarize. Do your OWN fact checking. You’re the one who can find the truth, and you’re not being paid to push a specific agenda. Want unbiased news? Use your brain and a search engine! Understand that it is possible to change this timeline if lots of people get together to contribute positive energy to earths auric field.
Energetically, this month of August 2021, focus on how you treat people. Maybe you’re a lot shorter with your loved ones than with strangers, or you have a habit of impulsively texting people long, kind of hateful messages. Sit with your anger, breathe, and recognize your weaknesses. Accept them, let them go, and do better. Karma is apparently also high in the month of august, so what you put out you will get back tenfold. Make sure to be extra conscious of how you respond to people, and try to be as nice as you can. Forgivenesses and empathy will also be needed, not just for others, but for yourself. This is a time of healing and change since September is a time of new beginnings, good or bad. This is a month where you can expect breakups or quitting a job/dropping something. Think of the tower, it needs to happen in order for you to continue on the right path!
This is a time where you will feel more empathic. Wear amethyst to protect yourself from negative energy, and black onyx to absorb and transform your negative energy. Looking at yourself in a constructive way (not bullying yourself) is going to be important now. See where you can be more loving. See where your insecurities make no sense. This is a time of personal clarity.
Overall, things might emotionally (or physically) feel hard, but know that negativity isn’t bad. Negativity is needed to build a better world and better ourselves. It is constructive, contemplative, and illuminating. Just don’t let it overpower you! I’m not talking about heavy negativity… just periods of feeling frustrated, sad or anxious. Meditation and aura energy cleansing is going to be crucial.
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his39obsession · 3 years
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His Secret Obsession By James Bauer Product Evaluation
This is called increased features and in add-on fails to present outstanding outcomes in a supportive relationship obtaining a man. The partner won't want to interact with an additional man who appears to become hidden within the woman he enjoys.
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Furthermore, i pray for totally every individual that content right here every working day because I understand some other hearts are shattered as well. Exactly how lengthy have you been previous the 2nd low-marital life? I have experienced His Secret Obsession Book like my have confidence in is irreparable and I am still in fact skeptical. I tend not to assume to learn a excellent relationship using a guy. I have stated that just in case a jerk is within a 5 mile radius, he will discover me or I him. “I am humanly insufficient when seeking to verbalize each and every also as every situation He’s considered me into and introduced me via.
I will not be delighted with Mr. I am Normally Correct. I is simply not likely to carry a close friend who believes they can be typically suitably. I am not truly correctly, but have convictions that I isn't likely to back on. I have identified to create great limitations and also have confidence in Christ to discover me by way of. It really has been a prolonged journey, however yes, if I satisfy a specific particular person I am all set for your. It is wonderful precisely how considerably a difficult companionship has made a big distinction in me for that far better.
There are also a lot of approaches to charge the brain and opinions with magnetic potential and also transform them correct in to a magnet of success. It can be created from the feelings you believe. These feelings are just like magnet currents.
My Sincere Evaluation: What I Dislike Regarding His Secret Obsession Study course
The United states finished World Conflict II by using one on the most horrific tool in the history of combat - the atomic bomb - throughout the Japanese civilian population. This stop-of-the-entire world tool was built in comprehensive secrecy as an element of a tremendous analysis his secret obsession audiobook process that employed a portable army of world-type professionals. Straight away following the war, the The Usa moved by means of the ruins and in add-on turmoil to learn what improvements its opponents got made in their secret tools improvement apps. It demonstrated that the Germans ’atomic bomb initiatives have been primitive when in contrast for that Manhattan Undertaking.
Sometimes men find themselves stuck in a routine of dating women that are witchy, and in many cases just considerably high-maintenance. Potentially your primary girlfriend go with that category, and you have in no way at any time basically determined that relationships may possibly be rather drastically any diverse. Possibly you consider that you get pleasure from being with superior females, until finally the original date with another person who presents itself in becoming substantially a lot more about your cooled out wavelength. You can even so cease historical past reiterating alone just through making a number of adjustments in your own dating habits. As an example, meet females in different places, or bring them on very first dates that may try out just precisely how witchy they in fact are. Men who experienced solid moms usually find out that their upbringing posseses an affect on the volume of young girls they date a lot of several years later on.
The scenario could very well be practically nothing in any way in terms of you, and in add-on almost everything in terms of the amazing upbringing you obtained out of one's strong and also identified new mother. There is certainly that dating a witch tends to make life-time interesting. In no way a dull time whenever your girlfriend could disappear the handle at any moment! If you find yourself dating one drama princess just immediately after one more, then it might be time to consider that maybe you genuinely take advantage of the drama. Truly feel in relation to exactly where you are possibly how to get my spouse to notice me sexually to meet the girls you check with on schedules - and then truly feel in relation to the sort of ladies that may also be a lot more most likely to spend time there.
Who Is James Bauer, The Article Author Of “his Secret Obsession”?
You may have to consume some satisfaction sometimes together with quit on your girl power to placed these concepts to demonstrate effects (NOT Consistently- but definitely sometimes). Us men dream female features However we also love sturdy women . Aids girls at distinct relationship steps like searching for new companion and also soon after a particular really actually starts to draw a men in better emotionally.
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More typically it takes spot that you nevertheless really loves, and the other is already striving for the break. The past 1/3 of the content ultimately suits the mindsets with simple-to-stick to, prepared-to-use examples.
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lovely2lynch · 3 years
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Patrolling Borders: Immigration & the Construction of  the Other (Week 8)
First off, I would like to say out of all the films; Sin Nombre had me invested the most because of the crazy decisions the characters made. I guess you can say from their circumstances that some of the characters' pressure led to making life-changing decisions. Though I have never experienced what they all went through and probably would never know how to deal with some of the situations and the decisions made in this movie but, Sayra made awful decisions. The worst decision she made, in my opinion, was leaving the train, while her uncle and father were sleeping. To follow a boy she just met. Overall, this movie taught me that people would do anything to get a better life. Those who are fortunate should not take that for granted. Identifying the relationship between border and fear in the movie felt as if people were more scared of not surviving than getting caught. There was a big notation on the words "crossing the beast" in the reading “Crossing the Beast: American Identity and Frontier Mythology in ‘Sin Nombre” ; seeing that depicted in the movie made me realize the true horror and sacrifices people have to go through. It is also interesting how borders and fear are expressed from 2 different countries. On one side, Mexicans, fear of losing their home came true because of US aggression and considering “The 1848 Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo ended one-and-a-half years of a conflict that Mexicans still call the War of the North American Invasion.” On the American side the reading noted that "Throughout the twentieth century, the US attitude to the border has generally been one of paranoid defense: typically (if tacitly) understood in terms of race, of safeguarding Anglo-American civilization from the Latin American other, something "to distinguish us from them" – I believe the majority of the fear comes from stereotyping immigrants and negative racial notation that some Americans gave to Mexicans. When questioning the relationship between ethnicity and borders, I quoted the reading that stood out to me. "The source of the frontier myth itself was a political discourse informed by notions of Anglo-Saxon racial superiority, American exceptionalism and of imperialism justified through divine sanction" – This history of the border was made on the idea of separation because colonizers thought they were superior. We have seen this type of behavior throughout history. When talking about borders, I also took this quote from the reading. "beginning with the 1922 silent film El hombre sin patriot offered audiences the general message that if you go to the United States, you will experience certain racism and oppression. On the other side, Hollywood films from the 1920s to the early 1980s dealing with Mexicans and Mexican immigration have usually pitted a heroic actor (from Tom Mix to Charles Bronson and Jack Nicholson) against a vaguely defined "gang" of undocumented workers seeking entry to the United States. Saying little about the causes, experiences, and ultimately, contributions of immigrants in the United States, these often low-budget, B movies have reflected past US assumptions, fears, and concerns over "controlling" its southern border rather than relating anything real about Mexico." This quote highlights Mexico and the US's relationship to Mexican immigration to the United States. Even today, you can see this deep-rooted fear that immigrants, specifically Mexicans, will take over the white American man's job. Some also believe that Mexicans will bring drugs, weapons, etc., when most of them seek a better life. When discussing contagion, the definition, according to the reading, spreads harmful ideas and practices. In the movie, Smiley fell victim to gang violence and eventually became a perpetrator himself. He was not born to be violent; he was taught it. You can see how he grew emotionless towards the end of the movie. at the beginning of the movie, he was depicted as a child, a scared boy who did not have anyone, but towards the end of the movie, he became a man in the eyes of the gang and got a tattoo, he was able to kill his mentor. To explain on border-crossing, I took a quote from the reading. "It is a line on a map demarcating the geographical separation between the two countries. It engenders a discourse that encompasses the social, economic, political, and physical confines of social and geographical space" – When reading this I question the intentions of the US boarder. I understand we have to define where our land ends and cater to population control, but why do we target and label immigrants who want to come to "the promise land" with hatred. I thought America's point was that it was to follow out the successful American dream, but yet we divide the White Americans from people of color or from immigrants.
"While films like Lone Star and Three Burials have focused on the risky, often deadly trek that the migrants undertake in their attempts to cross the border, Crowded atop freight trains, enduring adverse environmental conditions and dodging both the Mexican authorities and opportunist bandits, this desperate endeavor is known as "crossing the beast." – I could only imagine what crossing the beast means. I have never experienced anything close to this situation, but I know that it means putting your life and your family's life on the line hoping for something better but not necessarily knowing the true outcome. In the movie, I noted that they could only pray and stay positive. There was a scene in the film where travelers were sitting on top of the train and a religious statue passed by. They started praying; I thought that was significant because even in hardships, they can stay positive and say that they will make it to America. They know that the possibilities are not high and all they can do is pray.
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amberenigma · 4 years
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stream of consciousness thoughts on ( ovan’s ) will. and about graphics. this is your spoiler warning for volume 4: reconnection.
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i spent too long last night playing gu for a hot second and now i have some Thoughts:tm: about plots, ovan, and the notion of will. enjoy some 2015 levels of rambling about objectively minuscule details. 
anyway literal toilet thought but the archives have a very interesting way of creating meaningful iconography using particular design elements of characters ( mainly the infinity eight ) and minimizing it to something both unique and recognizable. namely, the epitaph pattern icons used for each player in the archives---they’ve always been really neat, unique, and it’s been something that the cc2 team has always used in their archives since _02.
ovan’s has changed between trilogy/original gu and volume 4, which i always thought was pretty neat, especially in terms of what’s actually presented.
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( but anyone with the book be like: okay but haseo has a different one too in volume 4!! and i say shshshshshshshh this came about purely because of unison skeith’s icon which uses haseo’s epitaph version since he’s.......you know.......skeith’s host. epitaph talk will come up later )
anyway excuse my 5 minute “slap a banner of images” but the difference here is obvious and i just have an appreciation for what it means with aida---mostly that aida was acknowledged and treated as a completely different entity, an anomaly that didn’t belong on ovan at all and depicted as such during the trilogy. but after kusabira fuses back with him as true neighbor ( which i always thought was a very interesting name to give tri-edge ), we get a spiffy new icon for big blue and wah-lah, aida is now cyan! YAAAA!!! whether or not ovan actually accepts her as part of him ( in which he at least seems reluctant in-game, not so much my main verse after 6 years of writing him lmao ) is rather up for debate, but here we can at least verify that she’s not there to be malicious per se ( but that doesn’t quite exclude her as a menace, see haseo’s “it’s kusabira, isn’t it. it’s that aida whispering in your ear.” ), and not to the extent of trying to completely fuck up his day. i found that slight change pretty interesting. this is where i get into the meat of what i wanted to talk about.
the notion of will in .hack---gu in particular.
but first i do wanna say that there’s this blaring fucking pothole when it comes to corbenik and the rebirth that i don’t know will ever be explained. like. if it’s a failsafe that was a one and done thing, then corbenik should have been......destroyed or severely damaged or something.....right...or at least that’s what kind of makes sense to me unless the product of the RA plan really makes epitaphs less prone to the crumbly wumblies like they were in imoq after being salvaged. although that doesn’t seem to be the case given unison skeith is a solid half corbenik/half skeith. it’s bothered me for years and canon doesn’t really lean one way or the other, it just is ( again, i’ve written something out for my corbi blog years ago and tl;dr ovan and azure kite go fish him out of the sea of data, put him together, but he lacks the ability to rebirth again--i need to tag that thread actually ). but maybe he’s never meant to truly disappear as his moniker implies. always coming back ( additionally fitting for ovan, but i digress ). 
will is an interesting concept in gu. and at least with ovan specifically, it’s a strangely powerful trait in him, which may be why part of why he has this sort of enigmatic sort of vibe to him to anyone---this notion of, “i don’t know what this guy wants, but whatever it is, he’ll get it one way or another.” and i think it may really be stronger than at first glance, pivotal almost. we see it twice in dire moments, even though he’s so, so tired.
the first ( and not chronologically, there’s obvious some other off-screen moments we can speculate, these are just two instances that come to mind clearly ) is with the fight with cubia in redemption, where 7 of the 8 are trying to break through ballsack cubia’s final AT field ( forgive me it looks like an AT field what can we expect from sadamoto okay ). yata says they can’t do it without “the epitaph of rebirth”, which always struck me as odd for quite awhile. what did he mean by epitaph of rebirth? didn’t haseo have all of the epitaph data in his pc? he data drained corbenik twice now, they should be okay, no?
but, yata wasn’t referring to corbenik specifically in this case. he was referring to ovan, and in that extension, corbenik as his epitaph. the remnant data skeith absorbed was essentially not enough in this case despite corbenik containing a metric fuckton of data between himself and aida. what skeith can’t devour is human will. ovan’s will.
in the archives, ovan’s specifically noted to have an extremely high mental resilience---it’s the primary trait that attracted corbenik in the first place when searching for a host. this could mean quite a few things, honestly, and taking into account what little of his past we actually know, it makes sense that his sense of direction is incredibly poignant, his will to be essentially unmatched ( although parallel to haseo’s in my opinion, just simply a different flavor ). the man’s just an absolute unit. it’s also noted that ovan didn’t really take into account the repercussions of activating the rebirth and purging the net, thus spawning our good friend cubia, so he truly was just ready to go sleep forever. paraphrasing aura here, the rest of the infinity eight’s praying for ovan to hear their collective voices ( admittedly it just boils down to ovan hearing haseo’s voice, gestures at lost files in the trilogy archives which is a hilarious conversation by the way; “leave me be, i’m tired. i just want to sleep.” ) is what gets him to muster up any remaining strength he has left to come help. 
it’s an interesting sequence of scenes with haseo’s cracked data just magically healing up once ovan enters the picture---his presence alone drives haseo. it’s his image and his voice that’s alongside haseo’s ( which is an interesting choice because it could have been all eight of them in this case ). his will is what catalyzes everything to it’s end, including himself. 
the second is the avatar fight with moralta, where haseo realizes that he can’t do it alone again---and ovan is still surprisingly able to put himself through that kind of strain despite being in the deep freeze for a year ( avatar and all! again! goddamn! ), combining into unison skeith and yeeting the shit out of giant slug baby once and for all. this particular encounter takes a different note compared to cubia considering we hear both of them synced up ( literally all of their dialogue is the same )---and beyond the fact this whole epilogue is about haseo and ovan, it really ends up being the sheer fact that it’s both of them together that overcome and stop moralta from fucking up [the world]. sheer will’s a strong motive for pretty much all of vol 4 though, so this is kinda expected. it’s haseo’s lament at the end that poses an interesting discussion---he couldn’t do it by himself again ( in this case he is referring to everyone as a whole as well before finding ovan, too ). for all of the power that he holds via skeith, kusabira, etc, he still needed ovan there to push to victory. i’ve always felt that was an interesting distinction the staff has made throughout the gu timeline ( in any retelling of it, actually ). even ovan has to let him know that it’s the fact he had a warband of support that got him that far in the first place despite the trauma ovan had pushed him through.
the series has been consistent about ovan’s ability to push things the extra mile, even for things that he may not personally want, even if there’s few people he’d undoubtedly be alongside. his involvement makes all of the difference, and that’s powerful in it’s own way ( he is the antihero after all ). we see the power ovan has by guiding the events of gu throughout all three volumes, but we really see just how strong he is when he’s actually on-screen the few times he’s there for more than 10 seconds. it’s kind of fucking insane such a laidback personality has that much influence on the outcome of incredibly dangerous/dire/important situations.
when he knows exactly what he wants, he knows exactly what makes people tick, and what makes the world around him change. ovan’s will is a terrifying weapon and it’s one of my favorite details about him. 
and last thing that just came to mind from playing around last night..
in one of the demo trailers, haseo’s monologue expresses the emotions he’s experienced throughout playing to that point---specific people embody specific emotions, and in ovan’s case, he’s associated with despair. despair drives ovan--haseo’s correct about that honestly even if the context of what he knows boils down to the fact ovan’s burdened with aida and saving his sister ( things we see in the archives explicitly point out that the indou parents are straight up dead ). this man has lost so much, is losing too much, and is on the brink of losing even more during the events of gu and it shows. despair is a powerful force, a reaction to the things one has experienced and an outlet for all of the things it can cause. a man with nothing left to lose is the most dangerous and the most powerful of them all even in silence---and somehow, somehow ovan has managed to keep his edge despite being on the brink of death himself in the real world. that’s fucking scary.
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holy-mountaineering · 4 years
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This Tarot Spread is for @kristennotchristian Thank you for donating!
Here’s the full Qabalistic Tree of Life Spread that I do. What I’m going to do is go through and briefly explain each card, its position on the Tree, and then I’ll give you a summary/synopsis of the spread as a whole. 
Think of this spread as a sort of quantum map, or even the land of a regular map, everything is happening at once, in each place. It’s important to think of yourself as moving “through” the map but you are also simultaneously everywhere at once. For the sake of this specific experiment, think of this as a map. Maybe as a person, the Qabalistic Adam Kadmon.
Where we’re starting the journey from is Kether, the monad, the first sign of creation. We’ll call this your hometown, since it is where you’re from originally. Here we have the  Ace of Swords, the root power of Air or the mind.
This is the sword of the Magus and the magician’s Sword is the physical representation of our mind and it’s ability in its rawest state of being. Thelema is inscribed on the blade of the Sword in Greek because the Magus uses their mind to the end of their True Will. The Crown of light at the tip of the Sword is the illuminated mind, because in its singleness and sharpness it is the foundation of the mind, intellect, and communication powers.
Use your mind for what you need it to do. Remember that a sword is useless at best and dangerous at worst when it isn’t handled correctly. You can cut down an army with a sword, but you can also cut your whole-ass leg or arm off too with one too. Knowledge is dangerous and scary, be prepared.
In Chokmah, which is like your freeway getting you out onto the road out of  your hometown is VI The Lovers. 
These Lovers aren’t about romantic love as much as it is the ‘Love unites the divided.’ This is the ceremony part of the alchemical wedding or the announcement of the intention to dissolve duality. Coagula.
All inverse and adverse elements of the card are brought together under the blessing of the Initiator who is giving the sign of the enterer. This is to say he is blessing your entering into this union of your shadow and conscious self.
You have some work to do on making a more unified you. There are issues that once brought together and balanced make more sense. Bring opposites or aspects of yourself you’re not familiar with/comfortable with together in your life to make a more complete whole. Set intention to do this, maybe even formally.
In Binah, which is ruled by Saturn and for the sake of this reading we will call the first stop on your roadtrip. You haven’t really arrived anywhere but you’re stopping and getting a chance to repack your car in a more efficient way. Sitting in Binah is the Ace of Disks, the root power of Earth or the material. 
This is the foundation which all your solid structures are and will be built on. This is the very root of your real world/material life situation. While this doesn’t mean you must tear everything down or that there is nothing in your material world that you've built, it does mean you must look at the source from which you've built your material and everyday world. If you have no foundation you can have no structure. If you have a shoddy foundation, you'll have a shoddy structure. Look to what things were like  before you began building. Is there sand beneath you? Are you in a swamp, building castles of stone that will bind to the mud and be pulled down much sooner than later? Did you account for the raise in elevation when you laid your foundation? Look down to the base of what you've made and what you've made it upon.
This is an engineering job, you’ll need tools to measure and level everything out. The occult might not be the best place to find these tools and it is possible that you have issues much more base than you're willing to cop to. There are many tools you can use to look at your foundation provided in psychology and meditation from other sources. The Universe throws us extreme situations and more often than not, this is the only way people see their basest of instincts and behaviors really act out. If you can, take a look at what connects you and what you’re building to the Earth before an earthquake, tornado, volcano, or other act of G-D forces you to pray everything was fine. Check the strength of your foundations before the strength of your foundations are checked.
Get down to the base fundamentals of what is going on in your material (things, money, living situation, literal stuff) and build from the ground up if you must.
In Chesed which is ruled by Jupiter and again for the sake of this experiment we’ll say involves your influence and benevolence in your current trip is the 2 of Cups, Love. 
Like all the 2s the deuces of Water is building towards completion. This is the ever becomingness of love. Love never dies, it is simply transformed like any other energy. Love isn’t a competition or something you can measure. You never stop loving someone/thing because you have “reached maximum love levels”, shake hands and walk away from it. There is no end-game to love and that’s why it’s scary and makes people act like idiots sometimes. Astrologically,   Venus in Cancer can be interpreted as nurturing your emotional growth.
Build on what you’re feeling and don’t try to think about anything too concretely emotionally or intuitively. This is a building process so try not to focus on the final outcome but work with what you have now.
Across the Tree in Geburah, which is Mars Town, where you find your drive and what you’re trying to accomplish/conquer is the 7 of Swords, Futility.
This is the main thrust of the Will through the mind being thwarted by in helpful organization of ideas. Each sword with a planetary sigil are like the spikes in a parking garage, one way. It isn’t that the ideas or aspects represented by these swords are “bad” just that their placement and yours are not lined up in the best way right now. 
Mentally and communication wise pull back from what you’re going at and work on how you’re organizing the information in your head.
In Tiphareth, the Sun and center of gravity holding all this in place, the heart pumping the blood through this, your heart is the 5 of Cups Disappointment. 
Like all 5s this is the microcosmic and human part of its suit, in this case the human aspect of water, which is emotion, intuition and connectedness to life. Astrologically, this is Mars in Scorpio or emotional uncertainty making acting on your feelings difficult or at least obscured.
Everyone you’re in contact with, and everyone else is just a human with human limitations. Don’t overreach other people’s boundaries and be aware when they cross yours.  
There is also a frustration emotionally that you’re “stuck in the middle” of where you started and where you’d like to be feeling. That sucks, but, hey, like, we’re all just human. Just yourself and everyone else as much slack as you can for not being where you want them to be.
Don’t focus on your or others emotional limitations. Try to recognize why you are where/who you are emotionally and keep those waters flowing. You might not be quite where you want to be emotionally and in your relationships, but you’re making progress, in your way and time.
In Netzach, Venus town, where you have the realization about how this is going to change you as a person with a personality is X Fortune, Jupiter, Kaph. 
The “wheel of” Fortune is the rotating of things from confusing and/or destructive to beneficial. The gods Hanuman and Sobek to Crowley represented these ideas and the spinning ‘Wheel of Fortune, ol’ Fortuna is the constant motion of life and our experience stuck in it.. The Sphinx on top has waited through the turns patiently and meditatively and now It is on top again. 
Expand your influence through patience. It’s getting better just you wait.
In Mercury Town Hod-ville, where all the Universities are and everyone has real intellectual shit going on is (friend of the blog) XV The Devil OR The Lord of the Gates of Matter, Ayin, Capricorn. 
The Goat-Fish who is half in the mountains and half in the deeps of the oceans, high places and the deep. This guy gets a REALLY bad rap that is very unwarranted. All The Devil is trying to do is Incarnate or materialize by Higher methods.
The card is a giant cock with faceless little white people in the balls looking like they want out, again, possibility is trying to take hold and become a physical thing. The Devil IS a trickster (“you little devil” and assorted shit sayings like that) so that worries some people. Those people are squares and probably have bad taste in music.
Manifest your potential and figure it out when it’s “real” and not just a passing thought or whim.
On the Moon in Yesod, the receptive and reflective place that is alot about the feelings that you’re picking up from all this is the 3 of Swords, Sorrow. 
This is the first shape the suit of Air takes in 2 dimensions and it can be a bit disappointing. Your structure and order (Saturn) needs balancing (Libra) to be blunt. You must let go of your ideas of how things were going to be because now they are the way they are. Just because what you have isn’t what you thought you wanted doesn’t mean it’s not good.
Try to get your mind around what you’ve learned and and how to form it into a useful basis to move on from. Do not continue to focus on how you thought it “should be”, nothing is ever as pure or awesome as we idealize it. Sorting out your mind means actualizing some of the things you’ve been thinking about instead of not doing it because it isn’t perfect in the way we thought it would be.
Down here in Malkuth-istan, the everyday life mundane, waking up pooping, and going to work world is the 3 of Disks, Works or Work or Working.
Like all the 3s, this is the first formulation of the suit,  Earth or material world things. The 3 sided pyramid pictured on this Tarot card sits on water propelled by Dharma Wheels, spinning and causing waves. The drive and energy of the warrior Mars has become stubborn and resolute in the goat-fish Capricorn.
This idea of work is not mindless toil. This is doing the very necessary things in your life so you don’t fuck yourself over on the basic things everyone needs to survive. This is formulating the most simple workable “shape of things” that gets your at least basic needs met so you can expand and become more than basic.
Put together a simple way of dealing with the material world, something that can be expanded on. Keep your wheels turning even if they feel like they’re just spinning. Make waves, they’ll go further and affect more than you think!
So, to summarize, we’re going to need to start to rethink where we’re coming from, we can do that by bringing together those aspects of ourselves that we don’t like or don’t want to deal with but nonetheless ARE us! We cannot escape our shadow and here it will actually serve your purposes, seek to make yourself whole by allowing all of yourself to be present. This process will bring us to a grounding that will show us our foundation we have built upon. Getting back to the very basics of how we exist in this Earth World and interact with it will allow radical self-acceptance and self-love that is the very best foundation to build on!
Speaking of Love, Love is a process, a never ending moving toward, reconciling even. Acting from the love of connecting, the love of being alive and interacting with every other living thing will bring those things you wish to influence into focus. Like a wise man once said (my dearly departed roommate and very good friend Evan aka SPESH 1) “Love is a lot like farting. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.” If you feel like the things in your life that you need to use to your advantage are pushing back and blocking your progress, it’s time to back off and find a new way to engage with them. This is finding the path of least resistance that allows your mind to flow, not get caught in the mire of details and fuckery that hold you back. And in your heart, know that you and every other person is just that, a person. A human with flaws, limitations, and boundaries. These are what make us human and to acknowledge that is to deal with it realistically and not get disappointed because of them.
Your personal growth, your process of growing into yourself is about to hit that upswing where your patience will pay off and Fortune will smile on you and say, “Here you go” and off you will go, indeed in the direction you wish and need to go. This will allow you to make manifest those ideas that have existed inside of you, desperately trying to get out and into the world! While those ideas may seem different “on paper” than they did in your head, they are out there and in the world, helping you formulate them and use them to accomplish the Work you need to be doing! 
I won’t try to fool you and you shouldn’t try to fool yourself either, this WILL be WORK. It is good and worthwhile Work though. It is formulating those things we talked about above into real things that will get the “job done” and allow you to then complete the tasks at hand! 
Ta Da! Hit me up with any questions, comments, concerns, clarifications, or Qabalistic inquiries!
-Frater N0vght
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LGBT - How To Prepare For Your H.R.T. Meeting
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SO YOUR SEEKING HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY:
    WHY?
    Why do you want to seek hormone replacement therapy? What is the underlying cause to have you seek transformation? Is it because you’re sexually disadvantaged? A victim of abuse? A patient suffering from dysphoria of the body? Or have you been socially conditioned to alter your appearance? Knowing why is a must! Because 50% of those who undergo H.R.T. truly need it and 50% of those who undergo H.R.T. end up regretting it.
     SEEK EDUCATION
     Once you know why you want to undergo H.R.T.; you need to educate yourself about the benefits and risks of H.R.T..
     If you are reading this article, then it is likely that you are in phase two and seeking education. Sadly, many (including myself) do not feel conformable bringing up this subject in public and have a difficult time doing the research online. There is so many ‘bad’ articles out there. Opinionated articles written by with pro-LGBT or anti-LGBT groups to push a narrative or agenda, using salacious data or failing to address the risks, both physiologically and psychologically to the patient.
     If you can...talk to you Primary Care Physician or a center that specializes in LGBT services and ask for resources to make your own decision. Write articles, take notes, talk to your closes friends about the risks and benefits of H.R.T. and why you want to undergo this dramatic transition.
     WHAT NEXT?
     Prior to the clinical appointment with a physician, it is totally natural to feel nervous, anxious, excited, ambivalent, scared or all of there emotions all at once. When I was waiting, I felt all these emotions...I felt bipolar when it comes to the altering range of emotions.
     One moment I am nervous (Will I be given the injection hormone? Or pills?), then anxious (time, place, money and open mindedness). Excited (I can’t believe I actually am doing this!), ambivalent (I pray this isn’t a phase...hate to ask my PCP for breast reduction!), scared (What if they deny me, or I take on too many female characteristics? Will my parents actually kill me if I beginning looking like a woman in two to six years? What will my friends think of me?).
   One feeling I would add and that is: doubt
   For 33 years I danced with doubt, and the last four months have been our grand ballroom dance. Even before I hear what they think, I already begun doubting myself, mostly because I realized that being on estrogen meant my transition was real, physical changes will happen and people will notice. No more hiding, no more Illuminati-like secrets...they will see and my brain will change as my testosterone levels are replaced with estrogen.
   Even though I am scared, nothing will kept me from my appointment...I have been working my way to this point...it will be the greatest scientific experiment I will ever conduct...a second puberty occurring on my own body...I will document it to the tee. This might be a capstone in biological transformation that I’ve written and drawled so many times. I always placed myself in my characters shoes, but never could say what it was truly like...so now I will know!
   The night after the call I kept thinking of all the things I was going to ask the doctor. Things the doctor might ask of me. HRT is like a transplant...if you are not mentally prepared, you will reject it! I ran simulation after simulation of different ways the appointment might go and my mind goes blank and the representative of me is left mumbling uh and um and yeah. I wanted to prevent this from happening, so I wrote down a few simulations. Sometimes it is better to have a list of questions prior to going into your appointment so you are collected and ready. It is also a great way to judge the doctor to see if they are the right one...remember...they are the one rebirthing you to your second birth!
PREPARING FOR DAY ONE:
   Here are three areas to focus on during the first appointment...
1) To assess the providers knowledge and comfort with the different forms of treatment being oral, epidermal or endodermis.
2) To go over side effects and what to expect from starting on estrogen. This is a good way to see if the doctor knows the risks and emotional effects at which stage.
3) And to begin building a relationship with a healthcare provider that hopefully will be based on trust and openness.
   It is important to be able to assess the provider’s knowledge and comfort because you want someone that can properly screen for any health issues that may be a problem in the future (I.e. heart trouble, cancer, blood clots and stroke).
   Since I am Gender Neutral (closely related to Gender Fluid), it would be in my best interest to communicate with the provider that there are some things I am looking to physically change (I.e., breasts, fat distribution around the hips and butt, feminine features in the face and hair growth decrease on chest with halting male pattern baldness on head), but others that I wish to remain the same (I.e., penis, male facial features and muscular support that I have).
   Lastly, having a provider that is up-to-date with the different types of dosing and methods to administer hormones is always helpful because then you are given options, options are extremely important when it comes to hormone therapy because a certain method may work well for one person, but not so well for another. (as seen in Operation B.O. H.R.T.)
SAMPLE QUESTIONS FOR PROVIDER:
   So, when learning about the provider, questions that may help you assess their knowledge and comfort are as follows:
What methods do you give as options when prescribing hormones to your patients?
1a) Current options for estrogen, antiandrogens include: injectable, sublingual or oral, and transdermal.
1b) 17-beta estradiol (estradiol) is most commonly delivered to transgender women via a transdermal patch, oral or sublingual tablet, or injection of a conjugated ester (estradiol valerate or estradiol cypionate). No outcome studies have been conducted on injectable estradiol valerate or cypionate, presumably due to their uncommon modern use outside of transgender care settings; due to this limited use manufacturers have little incentive to produce this medicine, and shortages have been reported. Other delivery routes for estradiol such as transdermal gel or spray are formulated for the treatment of menopausal vasomotor symptoms and while convenient and effective in some transgender women, in others these routes may not be able to achieve blood levels in the physiologic female range. Compounded topical creams and gels also exist from specialty pharmacies; if these are to be used it is recommended that the prescriber consult with the compounding pharmacist to understand the specific details and dosing of the individual preparation. Compounded estradiol valerate or cypionate for injection also exists, and may be an alternative in times of shortage or more cost effective for those who must pay cash for their prescriptions.
Conjugated equine estrogens (Premarin®) have been used in the past but are not recommended for a number of reasons, including inability to accurately measure blood levels and some suggestion of increased thrombogenicity and cardiovascular risk. Equine estrogens are obtained from the urine of pregnant, catheterized horses; no evidence exists to suggest that these estrogens are superior to bioidentical human estradiol.
Ethinyl estradiol is a synthetic estrogen used in contraceptive preparations and is associated with an increased thrombotic risk. In the context of contraception, ethinyl estradiol has more consistent and reliable cycle control and as such is better tolerated, balancing out the potentially increased risk of VTE. In the setting of gender affirmation there is no need for cycle or bleeding regulation, and thus the use of ethinyl estradiol and its inherent risks are not warranted.
General Side effects of estrogens may include migraines, mood swings, hot flashes, and weight gain.
Spironolactone is the most commonly used androgen blocker in the U.S. Spironolactone is a potassium sparing diuretic, which in higher doses also has direct anti-androgen receptor activity as well as a suppressive effect on testosterone synthesis. Doses of 200mg daily in non-transgender women being treated for hair loss have been described as safe, though doses of up to 400mg/day have been reported without negative effect. Hyperkalemia is the most serious risk but is very uncommon when precaution is taken to avoid use in individuals with renal insufficiency, and use with caution and frequent monitoring in those on ACE inhibitor or ARB type medications. Due to its diuretic effect, patients may experience self-limited polyuria, polydipsia, or orthostasis.
5-alpha reductase inhibitors include finasteride and dutasteride. Finasteride blocks 5-alpha reductase type 2 and 3 mediated conversion of testosterone to the potent androgen dihydrotestosterone. Finasteride 1mg daily is FDA-approved for male pattern baldness, while the 5mg dose is approved for management of prostatic hypertrophy. Dutasteride 0.5mg more effectively blocks the type 1 isozyme, which is present in the pilosebaceous unit and therefore may have more dramatic feminizing effects. Since these medications block neither the production nor action of testosterone, their antiandrogen effect is less than that encountered with full blockade. 5-alpha reductase inhibitors may be a good choice for those unable to tolerate, or with contraindications to the use of spironolactone. 5-alpha reductase inhibitors may also be an option for use as a single agent in patients seeking partial feminization, or for those who continue to exhibit virilized features or hair loss after complete androgen blockade or orchiectomy.
1c)
Hormone                            Low Dose   Medium Dose   Maximum Dose
                                            Comments
Estradiol oral/sublingual
                                            1mg/dat        2-4mg/day        8mg/day if >2mg
                                            Recommended divided bid dosing
Estradioltransdermal
                                            50mcg          100mcg            100-400mcg
                                            Max single patch dose available is 100mcg. Frequency of change is brand/product dependent. More than 2 patches at a time may be cumbersome for patient.
Estradiol valerate IMa
                                           <20mg 2wk     20mg 2wk       40mg 2wk
                                           May divide dose into weekly injections for cyclical symptoms.
Estradiol cypionate IM
                                            <2mg 2wk     2mg 2wk        5mg 2wk
                                           May divide dose into weekly injections for cyclical symptoms.
Spironolactone
                                             25mg qd      50mg bid        200mg bid
                                             N/A
Finasterride
                                             1mg qd        N/A                 5mg qd
                                              N/A
Dutasteride
                                             N/A               N/A                0.5mg qd
                                             N/A
Are you familiar with the different methods and doses used? Are you open to trying different methods/doses?
2a) The answers to these questions will let you know how open your provider is, and also how knowledgeable they are regarding advances and new forms of treatment in transgender healthcare.
How many transgender clients do you currently work with?
3a) If you are the first, second, or third, you are most likely going to be learning together. If you are with a provider of over 20, 30 or 100, then they most likely are more experienced.
Do you follow the most up-to-date and current guidelines for transgender care?
4a) Although the World Professional Association of Transgender Health is not the only organization that provides Standards of Care, they are the most well-known. WPATH SOCv.7. is the old model. ICATH is the modern model.
Do they know other providers in different areas of transgender health in case you need a referral for specific care?
5a) You may have some health complications that require monitoring by a specialist. Or in the future you may require specialist care for something (it doesn’t have to be trans related) so having other provider’s names is always helpful. If your current provider has a trans-friendly referral list it may also be a sign that they are more knowledgeable and connected.
Questions to ask about hormones:
What are the side effects?
1a) If there are things they go over that causes you concern, ask for more information.
How will hormone therapy affected my fertility/reproductive options?
2a) If you are considering or would like the option of having (biological) kids in the future, then being informed of options and also risks with being on hormones therapy is something you should consider.
What is the general timeline for seeing changes?
3a) The World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) has a general timeline that can show you the expected changes as noted below:
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Body Fat Redistribution
3-6 months to show 2-5 years to finalize
Decreased Muscle Mass/Strength
3-6 months to show 1-2 years to finalize
Softening Of Skin/Decreased Oiliness
3-6 months to show Unknown
Decreased Libido
1-3 months to show 1-2 years to finalize
Decreased Spontaneous Erections
1-3 months to show 3-6 months to finalize
Male Sexual Dysfunction
Variable Variable
Breast Growth
3-6 months to show 2-3 years to finalize
Decreased Testicular Volume
3-6 months to show 2-3 years to finalize
Decreased Sperm Production
Variable Variable
Thinning And Slowed Growth Of Body And Facial Hair
6-12 months to show > 3 years to finalize
Male Pattern Baldness
No Regrowth, loss stops 1-3 months 1-2 years to finalize
QUESTIONS TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PROVIDER:
What questions do they have for you?
1a) Question they ask may bring up more things that you wanted to ask them, but hadn’t thought of before.
Finally, if you are ready and feel good about your relationship with the provider then ask,
When can I get started!?
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princeofgod-2021 · 2 years
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LIGHT OF LIFE 139
John 1:4
THE LIGHT IS SWEET 9 – UNDERSTANDING THE TASTE 2
Ecc 11:7 Truly THE LIGHT is sweet, and a pleasant thing it is for the eyes to BEHOLD THE SUN. RV
Please understand the importance of these lessons to us: Christianity has to be a FAITH; a system uniting just two persons – you and God – who have embarked upon a journey in Love.
That is essentially why God specifically started the Story of Humanity with just two persons.
Gen 1:26-27 THEN GOD SAID, "NOW LET'S MAKE HUMANS WHO WILL BE LIKE US. They will rule over all the fish in the sea and the birds in the air. They will rule over all the large animals and all the little things that crawl on the earth." So God created humans in his own image. He created them TO BE LIKE HIMSELF. HE CREATED THEM MALE AND FEMALE. ERV
“Let us…” implies that God Himself is not alone in all His productive and beautiful outcomes; He is working together with Jesus to achieve all He does and He won’t work without Jesus.
“Make humans…like us…” first implies a basic unit of two people, lovingly united and working together to achieve pleasant goals.
There must be submission and agreement between them.
Amo 3:3 Two people will not walk together unless they have agreed to do so. ERV
Ecc 4:9 Two people are better than one because together they have a good reward for their hard work. GW
So, when God creations kept turning out “good” by the end of each day, it was clearly telling us that it is the reward of communion: working hand in hand with Jesus.
God made woman, “the weaker vessel” (I Pe 3:7) to buttress a spiritual point: Man represents God, woman represents human.
That is why we have the emphasis of woman submitting to man.
For the relationship to work effectively, there must be very exciting and pleasurable experiences between the “two”: God & Man/Man & Wife. So, never take Songs of Solomon for a joke at all.
Son 5:13-16 HIS FACE IS A GARDEN OF SWEET-SMELLING SPICES; HIS LIPS ARE LILIES DRIPPING WITH PERFUME. His arms are branches of gold covered with jewels; his body is ivory decorated with sapphires. His legs are columns of marble on feet of gold. He stands there majestic like Mount Lebanon and its choice cedar trees. HIS KISSES ARE SWEET. I DESIRE HIM SO MUCH! Young women of Jerusalem, he is my lover and friend. CEV
If your Christianity has not gotten you to where you can sincerely say such about God, then no wonder your stand in Christ dwindles and you are unstable in your walk and service.
Will you please stop here a bit and pray, just like a couple with faulty relationship. Ask God to help you discover where your love for Him stands or has gone wrong, and to rectify, in Jesus name.
Now, let us see what the Bible in Basic English (BBE) has to say about Psalm 34:8
Psa 34:8 BY EXPERIENCE you will see that the Lord is good; happy is the man who has faith in him. BBE
Christianity has suffered immensely the accusation of being big talkers without evident capacity to practice what we preach, especially in the “Righteousness” department.
Mat 23:2-3 "The teachers of the Law and the Pharisees are the authorized interpreters of Moses' Law. So you must obey and follow everything they tell you to do; DO NOT, HOWEVER, IMITATE THEIR ACTIONS, BECAUSE THEY DON'T PRACTICE WHAT THEY PREACH. GNB
I’ve heard one too many messages that are not based on practical experiences, but all “copy, edit and paste” materials.
Even Pastors advise us to look for messages of others and use.
They claim that you can run out of messages and need others’.
That’s not profound: if you have a living experience with the Holy Spirit, you have Inspiration and can never run out of messages.
Job 32:8 However, there is in humans a Spirit, the breath of the Almighty, that gives them understanding. GW
Except God closes heaven against me, I can never run out of messages.
Wake me up 1 minute and give me a mic. I will simply pray and the Word will flow from above.
It’s that simple!
On a day you stand and no Word “flows” from above, take it as a servant of God; it is part of your Living experience with Him. Just repair the “broken link” in prayers and carry on.
Christianity has to [always] be a living, moving and practical experience with God every day.
1Jn 1:1,3-4 This is what we proclaim to you: what was from the beginning, what we have heard, what we have seen with our eyes, what we have looked at and our hands have touched (concerning the word of life…What we have seen and heard we announce to you too, so that you may have fellowship with us (and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ). Thus we are writing these things so that our joy may be complete. NET
Read it again carefully: what makes your joy complete in this Faith, is the very practical reassuring experiences we have of God/Jesus.
What they preached was inspiration through real experiences.
Therefore, Tasting God implies taking all you are hearing about Him and deliberately putting them into practice.
What happened with David and Joseph still happens today. Experience it!
Jas 1:22 Do not deceive yourselves by just listening to his word; instead, put it into practice. GNB
Don’t just hear or read that “God is good”, confirm it through experience; put it to test, and by experience, you will see that He is really good.
That is what this version explains, beloved.
May God pave the way for that experience not to elude you, in Jesus name, Amen.
Be back on Wednesday for the continuation of this subtopic.
Keep Shinning!
Brother Prince
Monday, December 27, 2021
08055125517; 08023904307
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