#unfollowing or us admiring each other from a distance

[craske]

I don't want to sound pretentious when i say all this (and this ended up being really long??), but i really do think you don't need to uphold your online presence so consciously, or even at all. There's nothing wrong with being "inactive" because trying to show up for everything is some sick standard social media made up. Maybe it might be difficult to uphold an idgaf personality, but i can say from my experience it could be better to try a little bit at a time. I can say that they really do mean it when you can have quiet admirers, from my experience all the more. Maybe they're too shy to put silly tags when they reblog or just put a like on your post. And I don't think you have to worry too much about sticking to one piece of media and be afraid the people following you won't like you anymore for posting different content. At most, I just believe they won't really care enough to unfollow you or stop engaging entirely. The most important thing to me is that you stick around doing the things you actually want to do, even if you're just showing up every month or so, or black out for a year or more. Because the people who do care will be overjoyed to see you whatever you post or share, especially when you come back after a long time. It really is discouraging when you don't see that actively, maybe because we're so used to seeing numbers that relate to our worth. But i like to imagine we're waving at each other from a distance or smiling through a window, as horrid as online landscapes can be nowadays. I know i'm running my mouth here but i just wanted to share my experience because i um. 🙋 also think youre really cool and awesome and i love whatever work you do and the fact you share it is an amazing thing enough i feel privelaged and youre humor is funny and whatever new stuff you post is just introducing me to things i'll also think is cool down the line and i really do wish i can share my appericiation more and evolve from being a quiet admirer /inhales/ 👍 i would say this is a sort of love letter from the gas station but i also mean it as kai 👋 i hope you're doing well in uni or that it gets better soon or in whatever it is youre doing now. and whether or not youre online, i hope youre doing the things you enjoy 🫶

okay i needed some time to figure out how to respond to this ask because theres a lot (in a /pos way dont worry) so ill start off with saying that i really really and i do mean it Really appreciate what you said here. Especially lately, ive been struggling with being active online outside of small spaces where there are just me and a few other people. might be me feeling overwhelmed when i say something into the void with a high chance of no response, though i wont fault anyone for that. i myself know interaction is scary so i do get it. ever since i started using the internet ive stuck to my small online bubbles so yeah interaction kind of intimidating online

and though i agree it does feel discouraging to sometimes see no feedback or much of a reaction, i try not to be bummed out about it myself because im also a silent admirer of many artists online. so like ive said before i do understand that sometimes people are shy and dont interact directly and theres no pressure really to change that. just the idea that there are people that like what i make is really nice, even though i suffer from the same issue that maaany other artists have and i need to actively remind myself of that.

about sticking to one fandom its a very recent but big issue to me because ive been DEEP in the persona pit for like 4 years, and i certainly built an audience around that. i know there will always be people that stick around no matter what but despite that theres always that nagging feeling that maaybe things will crumble. obviously thats not true but human mind fucking SUCKS

as the final note ill say it again that your message means a lot to me and i thank you a lot for it <333 im soo flattered by your words and they made my past two days, thank you soo much

#as for uni im almost done with it!! #wowzers masters degree i will kill myself tho bc idk what to do after it #but thats an issue for the future me i guess!!! #anyway again thank you so much your message was really sweet and meant a lot to me #im sorry i dont reach out much like i said interaction online is soo scary and also insanely difficult lately?? it sucks #as the twitter users say thank you oomfie <3 #ask #k4ik4yk04 #long post

[dustwise]

*    shizu .     wishing everyone a   happy new year’s eve <333  may it finally be the year that sparks joy .   

#` 𝒊 . 笔者 / ooc . #wishing everyone nothing but happiness & security #and thank you for putting up with my slow ass . i appreciate y'all #edit: to add on #i hope no one minds i take msgs on at my own pace #( i.e. one reply every few hours / days ) #as mentioned in my guidelines i have a nonexistent social battery #& i rather reply to things in the right mental capacity #than give a half-assed reply that seems like i'm not interested ---- #of course i understand delayed responses also comes across as disinterest #so please do things at your own comfort !! #may it be talking about these concerns with me #unfollowing or us admiring each other from a distance #just wanted to put this out there 'cause it's been on my mind a lot the last week

[formulinos]

i swore to myself since the fradulent voter issue i would avoid addressing too much any other possible issues in this thing because laying low is usually the best but @pierregasiy actually said in the tags of one of their posts that it was better than silence and vagueposting so i just want to make a few things clear. 

1) the post was done and posted. you can't fix a broken mirror, you can try to pick the pieces together and make it as better as possible. people voiced their concerns and feelings towards it to op, who responded the way they thought it was suitable, i can't put words in people's mouths so i'm not gonna try to be presumptuous and apologise for anyone (who might even want or not want to apologise tbh). i can say for myself that i felt a bit "oh :(" and laughed a tiny bit too but didn't take too much into heart as i felt seb had gotten his plugs and all and it was a bit tongue in cheek. after i saw the complaints about it and some posts about how personal it was for people, i could see where they were coming from and why it hit some nerves and it was def something that once it sinks in, it sinks in. i don't take it personally from op but i get why people would.

2) that being said, it got too personal too quick and i think it really highlights the ability of people of actually communicating person to person. if i don't like a post around here, i try to unfollow the person, or talk to them, or talk to my friends about it to process it. there is a lot of pride on how supposedly the f1blr community is a bit more levelheaded than reddit or twitter or whatever, and i think that in some parts that's true because of the demographics of each website, but then you have people who instead of using their blogs to send people messages saying "hey, i didn't like your post. knock it off" they send it via anon, which basically cuts any possibility of a proper reply and most importantly, a conversation. during landogates i've seen a lot of shit hot takes but tbh i admire the people who talked "url to url" with each other about it and who didn't hide and were ready to take the flack. 

it's even worse because when i saw discussions with tons of reblogs etc, it was just flat out argument over personal stuff like "oh you're low" "oh you want me to die" and every single post after post after post just made it bigger than necessary. you had stuff like "if seb/pierre knew you they would hate you" and christ. oh my god. to make things worse, poor lewis who didn't have nothing to do with this got mixed into the blend with some lowkey-highkey racist remarks AND people managed to lump in very sensitive family matters from op like this is the lowest of low. absolutely vile and while i know #NotEverySebFan and #NotEveryPierreFan did it, it's a proper moment for everyone to log off and delete their accounts for a second. i can't even start to discuss about how incredibly upsetting this is all happening because of a dumb competition i started but also i am completely aware this is no longer just a local thing from my blog and unfortunately i can't control further than what i already did and am doing every day because there are new issues everyday since Friday. i can only say i'm sorry and also i am aware that many are way more hurt than i am now so well. everyone copes the way they can but this is my way of saying that, as the organiser, i want nothing but distance from everyone who managed to turn this into a living hell and if i had my way then the energy we would have would be the one from the beginning of last week. 

3) at last, on a personal note properly speaking, i have seen around some stuff about how the tournament sucks for this or that reasons. i think it's valid that this isn't the cup of tea for some, and i'm not gonna try to defend myself or the tournament from it, i know what my intentions were (fight off boredom, have fun, not think too deep about certain aspects of f1) and weren't (disrespect any of the drivers involved in it). while i respect people's opinions, i would like for my work in here to be respected too because i think that between organising this in several matches, creating graphics and dumb texts to go with them to make sure that this felt like an AU-y thing and make sure it has distance from reality and also making sure things were ran as fairly as possibly with all the stuff i caught and tried to make things right, i think the people who have been around enough know that this was well organised and not tacky so far. today was a major fucking hiccup of clusterfuck proportions and the fact it's the third or fourth day in a row something happens is exhausting. my friends don't know anymore how to give me support and i don't know how to talk to people and make sure everyone is heard either. 

so there you go. please don't send any of the users around here who have been talking about this any further hate regardless of the side they are on, don't get racist because it's not cute, sleep on it a bit and then tomorrow if the wounds are still sore then talk about it as normal people please. my apologies to everyone who got in the way of this horrible hubris, i hope this goes without further hiccups until the end sincerely.

[royalstorm]

I’m not trying to sound mean bc i genuinely do like your blog. You are crazy good at writing. and analysing keqing and even characters that aren’t her but your political spiels are too much. I admit I am white but the way you word things is intimidating esp when i think i do try to be a good ally idk.

good morning, anon!

with all due respect, if my post addressing the general tumblr dashboard struck you as intimidating, then what i am about to say to you will be even more so. consider this a heads-up ... as well as a disclaimer that by sending me this ask, you are consenting to me answering it the way i see fit.

so, here it goes.

i am truly glad that you enjoy my portrayal of keqing, as well as the way i view other genshin characters. thank you. really. however, in the grand scheme of things, that hardly matters.

if we are just examining my role in this community from a strictly IC perspective, i would take your compliment and run to egypt with it. but keep in mind that it’s impossible for an rpc to have any staying power without OOC interactions. even if you wish to keep your distance OOC, if you develop a more intimate relationship with someone IC, it’s inevitable that you and the other person will also be more intimately attached to each other OOC. if that OOC attachment is not there period, your IC interactions will suffer, as well. no amount of plotting and love between your characters can override the cognitive dissonance you’ll experience if you feel isolated from your writing partner.

it’s very similar to how reality and fiction cannot be mutually exclusive from one another, especially with how often many of us, as roleplayers who go in-depth when consuming media, indulge in fiction.

in other words, you respecting me IC but then disrespecting me, and an entire community of people, OOC is fucked up. how am i or any other bipoc supposed to enjoy writing with you (assuming you’re also a roleplayer) if there’s already this extreme disconnect between us? ESPECIALLY since genshin impact IS an ASIAN-BASED game that is riddled with political allegories, both explicitly and inexplicitly. most of the characters are also politically coded to accommodate this; any character involved in the government or a war or anything that deals with social/political mobilization IS INHERENTLY POLITICIZED. there is nothing apolitical about the tensions between snezhnaya and liyue. there is nothing apolitical about inazuma willfully isolating themselves from the rest of teyvat. you cannot close your eyes and simply look the other way because “it’s just a game”. lmao, if it’s just a game, then why are you even in the fandom to begin with? and if you’re a roleplayer, why are you using your time to actively interact with this “just game” from a theoretical/analytical standpoint?

i digress. you could be my keqing’s #1 supporter, but at the end of the day, i couldn’t care less if you cannot support me OOC, either. if you haven’t unfollowed or blocked me already, do so the moment you finish reading this ... or i will find a way to do it myself — because i will continue to speak out about issues that, contrary to what you may believe, hold weight on the internet ... and even more weight “in the real world”. how can i call myself a keqing roleplayer, or call myself someone who admires her for her wit and independence and sense of duty, if i cannot channel any of that myself?

and now, ask yourself how you can hope to do that with zhongli or ningguang or kaeya or diluc or countless other characters when what they’re fighting for doesn’t even matter to you outside of a video game, or outside of a writing platform?

i understand that i didn’t have to spend the last 15 or so minutes typing out this wall of text, but i also have the feeling that you will refrain from sending me more guilt-ridden asks if i dragged this reply out for as long as possible, so ... here you go.

#long post // #anonymous #mobile #racism // #ask to tag //

[themandadlorianbod]

Did you see the note to P from S’s book that was posted elsewhere? It’s precious and I think speaks to their relationship way before any of us knew anything. No wonder P is always promoting that book!! And because S is still doing promo himself there’s always something to hype up. I admire his hustle. there’s also the other reason to be hyping it up I’m not a weirdo denier.

To me they were obviously connecting all through the pandemic but not knowing how much they used to talk it’s hard to say how different it was from before. It got me thinking what do you think are the long term prospects for them? It’s clear they can maintain a friendship long term and long distance but what about an actual relationship? My knowledge of his past there is limited but he strikes me as not great at long distance based on his personality and how hard it was to be apart from those he loved during the pandemic. He also gives off an air of convenience. Like they connected again more often during the pandemic but everyone was long distance then and then he films 2 movies basically back to back in Europe which makes little side trips much easier. What about now when he’s committed to a different continent for at least a year? Do you see it fizzling out? I don’t foresee them unfollowing each other or stop liking posts but maybe just a “hey this was a really helpful relationship for me during a hard time in my life and now I’m moving on” thing? For both of them? Since S is recently divorced. Is P going to make mad dashes back to Italy when he has a break? Was the trip to Tuscany one last hurrah? P is booked in Canada and hopefully LA for Mando. S is still promoting his book and doing in person events that can’t be done remotely from any location. What are the chances he actually turns up in Canada? I will say that if he does go there that says A LOT and that would not be just a friend thing imo. There’s no convenience to S going to Canada.

it’s so so so so sweet I’m still 🥺

I agree it points to this rekindled…whatever dating back possibly a bit further than we even realized (although I’d always thought they’d started talking frequently at least by around the time he left for TUWOMT) and is possibly even more serious… will be interesting to see what the future holds for these two 💜 but this is really cute.

#ask me anything 💜

[ray-the-fanatic]

Personal posting tw//blocking

I had made a choice to cut out a very toxic person from my past. Said person was harrassing me over it since I had done so. At first i just made the simple choice of unfollowing them and not talking i figured that all thats all I would need todo.

Said person was an ex of mine and the realtionship was highly abusive. To a point they had me isolating myself from friends and even family. Eventually I ended it. I kept our "friendship" out of fear because they had me believing so much that they were the only person who cared about me. I lost my love for doing the things I loved because of them, it's why I took so much pride is graduating from Rocky Mountain college of art + design. Because despite my loss in passion I manage to do it.

After sometime, after the break up, thier behavior was the same. But they were the only friend I felt I had because of how closed off I became. They just dragged me down more and more even when not in a realtionship. I stopped interacting on social media and just kept to myself. After some time they started to stop talking to me as well. I had a major break down one day with my mother and just like a child cried my heart out over everything. Eveutally thanks to her I got help i needed and I repaired my broken realtionships with family and friends I became distance towards. But social media i stayed away from for about 3 years.

Last year around the holiday season i was catching up on ducktales 17. I had fell behind around the DWD epsiode. And just loved seeing a charater that was such a comfort to to me come back.. ended up reading drakepad fanfiction between work breaks and started to follow others who made content or just reblogged stuff cause Disney ducks was something I always liked. I was inspired by some of these people and decided to draw some fanart, got interested in the ships, worte my first fanfic in years. Started to interact with others even revived two old ocs of mine.

My art was just some basic stuff but someone started to reblog it, gave me a heart attack each time xD. Then I made a post asking to borrow someone's oc for a drawing promt. I never expected a friendship to come out of that. Which lead me to talking and interacting with another mostly for ask memes on here but everytime I saw these two usernames it made me smile. Since we just tended to reblog stuff between the three of us often. Eventually I started to use Twitter again too where I saw some fanart for a au I thought was a cute idea and got invited into a discord from the artis of that. Where some of the first people I followed were in and gave me a chance to get to know them more. Thanks to a epsiode bringing back a charater from the show I got to talk more to that second person mentioned before that I was just following/admiring and now we're in a discord with the person who took me up on the oc thingy.

I was stand of ish and scared outta of my mind but these people were just so nice to me? And it helped me see all the things this toxic person put on my head was maybe wrong? So I decided to cut them out. As stated before at first it was mild but I slowly had to take bigger steps in the process blocking them and such which is whu im glad social media makes it so other's don't know. I blocked them on anything they personally interacted with me on, but they kept harrasing me beyond that. Screen shotting posts I was making claming they were about them finding accounts of mine they shouldn't be able to (big reason my nsfw Twitter is locked and why I dont give to much attetion to none of my tumblerblogs outside my art one) I've had to take futher action because of them.

Its been well alot but these friends I have made especially two who have become very dear to me dorky and kezzie, had really helped me through all this. I unfortunately am a very private person, and keep things to myself. Not out of any reason. so I haven't talked about this alot and I'm getting better about that. But these friendships I made I really appreciate no matter how small our interactions may be to just Twitter interactions or sharing art or yelling in discord haha. It's been a major blessing to me. I love doing art again, I love writing fanfiction and I even went and tried to get into a zine (which I did!) And its thanks to the support I've been receiving that im where I am now. All because I wanted to read drakepad fanfiction haha.

#person blogging #blocking #ray rambles

[essaysbyciara]

Thy Neighbor II: Lovin’ The Crew [Chapters 3 + 4!]

[Prologue] [Chapters 1 + 2] 

Shhh...[TOP SECRET] is revealed! 

THANK YOU TONS for the comments and likes! Taglist is always open, so let me know and I’ll add you! Peace & Love! 

CHAPTER THREE 

What changed from one-ish in the morning when he wrapped a blanket around her mentally exhausted body to now, who knows. All Ciara knows --and feels -- is that she finds herself building a new level of exhaustion at the hands -- and other appendages -- of Trevante. There will be no 5 AM workout at the gym this morning. Trevante gets it right here as Ciara receives multiples of what was denied to her last night, what Mahalia clowned Trevante for not being able to produce. As Trevante gives Ciara's body a workout before sunrise breaks, Y'lan is also breaking a sweat of his own making in the early AM as well. 

“We just ordered 60 cartons of milk? That’s it?” Y’lan flips over  the delivery sheet, looking for an answer he knows he won’t be able to find. 

“I just deliver the orders, chief,” the delivery driver says as he hops into the driver seat of his truck. Sixty cartons of milk would have been fine for the breakfast program during the summer but with school back in session, he’s seen close to eighty kids every morning. A lot to handle on his own. 

He’s been on his own a lot lately since midterms time hit all the local colleges. His normal set of volunteers keep dropping like flies, burning the midnight oil only to text Y’lan at the last minute that they won’t be able to make it. He’s been hanging on by a string, the lovely older ladies at his church helping out when they can. They all had a crush on Y’lan -- and a daughter they so desperately wanted for him to meet. 

Y’lan keeps thinking about his lack of a meeting with Ciara the other night. He texted her phone to ask what time he should come over for dinner but received no response. Though he was proud that his peace offering worked at Archie’s, he hated that Ciara did what she’d been doing since they ran into each other at that Proverbs event: ignore him.

Ciara and Y’lan would often cross paths at local church events across the city. Ciara kept it “church cute”, acknowledging his presence if they ended up in group conversations but avoiding any one-on-ones. Y’lan friend requested her on Facebook and she ignored it. Ciara was still in disbelief that Y’lan and Trevante were friends but then she wasn’t: birds of a male ho feather flock together. But she always wondered what woman at these events was Y’lan’s wife. Her pride wanted to meet the woman who killed her dream. 

“These kids waste a lot of food, man.” Winston says as he tosses another full tray of breakfast food into the trash. 

“I know.” Y’lan says. “And then they complain about being hungry once they get to school. I think they’re so happy to see their friends, man. That’s all.” Y’lan appreciates Winston’s friendship more than a little bit. After lamenting to Winston that he needed help at Proverbs in the mornings, Winston quickly volunteered to help -- even as he worked through his PhD at the University of Pennsylvania. 

Winston and Y’lan met at their church’s young adult men’s retreat before the summer. Winston just moved to Philadelphia from Harlem, settling in the Germantown section of the city. When he opened up at the retreat about his divorce and his perceived failure as a husband, Y’lan instantly admired his transparency. They talked for hours that night, striking up a bond both men needed. They could hold each other accountable, something Y’lan needed more than ever now that he is single. 

Winston is single too -- although he tried to change that. When he crossed paths with Ciara that one day in front of her apartment, he vowed to never forget her, thinking she possessed the cutest nose he’d ever seen. So when his university mentor told him to find a student to tour him around campus, it felt divine. He found Ciara on Facebook and sent her a message. She responded within minutes. 

As Ciara walked him around Penn’s campus and later took him to have lunch with other masters, MDiv and PhD students, he felt butterflies which eluded him since his divorce. Though it had been over three years since his marriage ended, Winston was absolutely terrified to date. He didn’t want to fail another woman, he thought. He was scared to disappoint. His lack of dating life kept him celibate as well. He knows Ciara’s plight better than anyone. 

Once he heard Ciara speak in a group discussion in class, he thought to take a leap of faith. So as their group dispersed, Winston found himself alone with Ciara. With a deep breath and a quick prayer, he asked Ciara if she wanted to meet up sometime for coffee. Ciara regretted that she had to tell him ‘no’. Trevante wasn’t exclusive but Ciara sure was. Since that day, Winston kept his distance. Ciara sometimes caught him looking at her from afar. 

“I appreciate you helping me, Winston. You’ve been a lifesaver.”

“Anytime, man. Glad to help. I’ll see you Thursday at bible study.” Y’lan and Winston dap each other as Hampton Scott, Y’lan’s boss,  walks into the cafeteria. “You got a minute, Y’lan,” he says as he points to the hallway.

“I’m checking in on you, Y’lan. You look exhausted.”

“I am, Mr. Scott. These volunteers keep dropping on me. I’m afraid to see what finals time will be like.”

“Have you reached out to Protestant Placements at all?  I’m sure they can help us in the meantime.”  Pride absolutely kept Y’lan from making that call to Ciara’s organization. Y'lan breaks his pride because he’s out of all of his energy -- and because he wants answers as to what happened the other night. 

Meanwhile, Ciara is also out of energy--- in all the right ways. 

“Call out of work for me…”

4

Ciara didn’t heed Trevante’s request. As she sits at her work desk, her phone vibrates from Trevante’s texts. He’s giving a play-by-play review of their early morning together and she’d be lying if she said she didn’t like it. 

Ciara had no regrets about getting into his bed. She was too cold from sleeping on his living room couch, the supposedly wool blanket too thin to keep her body warm. Trevante turned around to hold her once he felt her creep under his covers. This time, she responded to his grasp. That’s all it took. 

Come straight to my apartment after work…

What about the gym, Tre? 

Fuck a gym, I got you…😉

Trevante unfollowed gym manager on Instagram as soon as he sat down at his desk that morning. His moment with Ciara felt so right, so perfect … so how their first night together should have been. He got to play with Ciara’s braids that morning as the sunlight beamed off of her back, her drifting in and out of sleep. He didn’t want her to leave. He tried not to wake her sleeping body draped over his as he drafted up an email to his boss. He wanted to take up an offer to work from home --  hoping that Ciara would say “yes” to his request  to call off from work. When she denied him, his heart flatlined. He deleted the email. 

“Mr. Rhodes, here’s your mail!” Trevante looks up from his phone to see Meganne, the fall intern, looming over his desk with a very wide smile on her face. Her green eyes and 3C hair straight out of a Shea Moisture advertisement caught Trevante’s attention when she was introduced to the agency’s staff a few months ago. When Trevante saw Meganne waiting for a SEPTA bus after a marketing event, he offered to ride her home. Her sorority sisters couldn’t believe the “fine as fuck” man dropping off their soror in front of their house that night. When Meganne -- and all of her sorors -- followed Trevante on Instagram, he returned the favor. 

After that, Trevante and Meganne would grab lunch together often. Though it made Trevante uneasy, he felt it all to be innocent. Meganne didn’t see it that way. This 31-year-old modelesque marketing executive with the body of a Marvel superhero bought her lunch and liked her pictures on Instagram? Oh, he’s interested.  So when Meganne was looking for a place to celebrate her 21st birthday, she asked Trevante for suggestions with hopes that he’d join the fun. 

Trevante bought her and all of her sorors drinks at Bar XXI, the hottest lounge in the city. He even secured them a table on a night that Meek Mill  was hosting his after party. Meganne got so drunk that she went full steam ahead and sent texts -- and pictures--  to Trevante. Although it made Trevante feel super awkward, he never mentioned it to her. He just decided to keep some distance. The lunches and Instagram love stopped and Meganne grew worried. Her grown-ass-man didn’t want her anymore. 

“Appreciate it, Meganne. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome!” Meganne walks out with an extra switch in her walk which Trevante fails to ignore. Trevante grows weary as Ciara starts to ignore his texts. He really wants to play house with Ciara tonight. 

But as the minutes of silence turn into hours, Trevante’s mind starts to wander. Though this morning felt amazing, he didn’t know how long it’ll last, if Ciara would change her mind and go back to the original plan. He doesn’t want another “I can’t always do it” from her. Feeling the fear of neglect, albeit manufactured, he refollows the gym manager on Instagram and goes on a liking spree. He needs attention from someone. 

Ciara is ignoring Trevante’s texts because of an unexpected email that graced the presence of her inbox. 

Ciara,

I wanted to meet up with you to discuss using your crew for Proverbs. We've been losing bodies thanks to midterms. Hoping you can be of assistance to us. I can be reached at 617-555-3450 ext. 250.

Thanks,

Y'lan

(I also wanted to check in on you. I know we were supposed to meet up for dinner but I guess something happened? Just making sure you're good.)

Shit. SHIT. SHIT! 

Ciara completely forgot about her revenge move with Y’lan. Staring at his email, she has no idea of what to do. She wants to ignore it but it’s work-related. She wants to curl up in a ball and hide for seemingly inviting Y’lan back into her life but she also wants to make it up to Y’lan for using him as a part of a childish game called her coping mechanisms. He didn’t deserve that --- even if he broke her heart. 

Hey, Ylan! 

Would love to meet with you to talk about partnering with Proverbs. If it’s not last minute, can we meet up at U City Coffee tonight at 7? 

Thanks! 

Ciara 

She doesn’t mention the other night’s misstep -- on purpose. 

Taglist: @doublesidedscoobysnacks @diva-princess-on-fleek @voyagetoadinas9 @walkrightuptothesun @wvsspoppin  @dreamlovealways @rockwit609 @thegayaxeman @joyfulwombatdreamermaker@blackpinup22 @hookedtoherfire @kris-did-it @l-auteuse @styleismyaddiction

#trevante rhodes #y'lan noel #winston duke #trevante rhodes x fanfiction #fanfic

[solarheiress]

Aaaaaaaaaaa

I’ve got some words so if you don’t want to hear them I’ll be putting in a read more later.

I’ve seen some complaints circulating around about miraculous, unsurprisingly, but one caught me off guard.

Apparently, some fans that don’t like Marinette think that there is a double standard in the fact the a lot of fans encourage Marinette to find someone else, while chastising adrien for doing the same.

First, I’ve heard the exact same complaint mounted towards people encouraging adrien and being salty about Marinette, so, there’s that.

Second, this is... wrong? I’ve seen about the same amount of support and salt regarding both Marinette’s and Adrien’s pursuit of others. If you follow particular people or particular tags, you’re bound to encounter disproportionate amounts of each (I’ve tried really hard to keep my feed rather balanced in most regards to all subjects, just because bias can easily lead to misinformation). So, if you think that you’re encountering a lot of adrien salt/Marinette support and it upsets you, check and see if someone you’re following reblogs a lot of it and unfollow? Or block the tag they use or whatever.

Anyways! My thoughts, on this matter, are most definitely swayed by my interpretation and my opinion. So, I advise you to keep that in mind.

Between Adrien and Marinette, i do think Adrien deserves a bit more scorn than Marinette for his behavior. To be fair, they are both teenagers and learning how to express their feelings and understand them, so their behavior is understandable. But understandable is different from excusable.

To put my mindset into a better frame of reference, I’ll explain, separately. Marinette is a 14 year old girl, in something similar to junior high (my attempts to understand the French school system have been.... less that successful). She’s reached a point where emotions get hard. She met a boy who completely took her off guard with his earnest attitude and overall personality. Marinette is known for feeling incredibly strongly about a lot of things, and can be a bit impulsive at times. She’s also got a strong sense of self, but can be incredibly impressionable at times (the characterization of Marinette flipping back and forth between impressionable and independent is a consistent pattern, despite the overwhelmingly contradictory nature of the pattern). Her emotions tend to get in the way, even in her own opinion, which is one of the reasons she’s so dedicated to the professional nature of her interactions as ladybug. She has, kindly, considerately, and patiently turned her partner down, not because she doesn’t like him, but because she likes someone else more, and has the emotional capacity to priorize her affections while simultaneously not wanting to distract herself from her mission in bringing down hawkmoth and protecting Paris. However, after repeated failed confession and date attempts, and seeing the boy she loves go out with someone else and assume said date went well, she can only really take so much emotionally. And here is another boy, with similar interests who’s never been anything but kind, and she doesn’t even have to tell him that she likes someone else, he noticed, and he wanted her to be happy, so he encouraged her to be with someone else. And he later confessed his own feelings, all while being clear that it would be her choice to be with him if she wanted, which is a starkingly contrast reaction to the passive aggressive and bitter behavior of her crime fighting partner. At this point, she’s been disappointed repeatedly by adrien, chat -in addition to being unreasonable (yes, I’ll explain after)- has flat out turned her down as her civilian self because of his love for her masked self, which is probably not a good feeling (he could have said it was because a hero could not date a civilian, or even just said he didn’t feel the same but he went as far as to say that he loved another person and not her).

Additionally, up until recently, Marinette has been bolstered by her friends and family, and adrien hasn’t outright turned her down (as far as she knows). Remember, being impressionable is something she is known for. Her dedication to her feelings for adrien is a bit.... icky, but that’s why I think the introduction of luka is a good thing. He’s got some qualities in common with adrien, which makes it even clearer why Marinette liked adrien so much to begin with. It also puts an axe into the “she likes him because he’s famous/connected to her favorite designer” angle that some people still try to use because luka isn’t really either. The idea of her dedication to adrien being broken down and rebuilt into something healthy when she eventually goes back to him at the end is fine by me.

So honestly, if Marinette decides to spare herself anymore pain with adrien for a while and try dating a nice boy who actually likes her back, I would be neither upset nor surprised. It would be a good arc too, emotional growth and being able to grow and move on, not to mention realizing what she really wants and having an amicable break up would be a great example for the audience of young soon to start dating peeps.

Adrien on the other hand....

He’s grown up privileged, no matter how sad his childhood is. He’s got a lot of skills and knowledge from being trained by excellent instructors. His story is harder to assess because we don’t know the whole story, just that his mom is gone (for how long? Who knows) and his dad is harsh (and also a super villain but adrien doesn’t know that). He’s at school for the first time sure, so you could somewhat excuse his lack of social experience, but he’s been with the class for a while now. As chat noir, he flirts overtly, a tendency that I kind of believe he picked up from Chloe. Outside his chat persona, he is selectively reserved in an attempt to not be kicked out of school, and attitude that melts away when he is allotted freedom.

As an aside, the fact being that he is a celebrity, I think that’s why his costume is so extensive. Even when he’s wearing a mask he’s still afraid of what could happen if he’s discovered and his father finds out what he’s been up to. All his extras on his costume, plus his ramped up to an eleven joker act as Chat Noir all serve to distance chat noir from the pristine and reserved public figure that is Adrien Agreste.

He decides day two that he loves ladybug, which is fast and strange even for a teenager. Like is one thing but love? It sounds a lot to me like a teenager desperate for something solid who recently lost a significant source of love and affection but that’s just me. On the other hand, it also sounds like he got a very strong feeling that he didn’t know how to identify (likely a combination of admiration and respect) which he mistakenly labeled as love. Also, we know everything Gabriel is doing is in dedication to his wife, so I can only imagine what he was like when she wasn’t dying. So, as far as we know for certain, his role model for the behavior of a male suitor was incredibly (overly) dedicated.

As soon as he decided he loved her, he followed suit and dedicated himself to that idea, so much so that he is in denial about his feelings for others. Normally, I don’t like the denial trope but this is one place where it makes sense a little. One overly dedicated role model (who famously is unaffected by the feelings of his assistant), plus a magic gem that indicates he is two halves of one whole with a magic problem fixing butt kicking superhero would likely lead to a similar problem of overfixation. However, unlike Marinette, he can’t gush with his friends without being dishonest, or accidentally revealing himself. He has no one to be honest with, or to encourage him directly except for Marinette (who had the right energy, but helped with kagami) and kagami (who he could be honest with to a point, but she misunderstood and also encouraged him to pursue someone else).

His idea of romance is dedication and extravagance, which is fine. However, as we’ve all seen, he does not take rejection well. Which is where my sympathy for him dies a little. He is bitter and immature, and while he eventually pulls himself together, he just goes back to flirting and forcing his affections on her.

As we move farther and farther into the series, I’ve also realized he’s incredibly selfish. It’s something I didn’t quite grasp at first and was willing to write off as teenager behavior, but it’s not just that. His attitude towards Marinette and Lila speaks volumes, as he prioritized a lack of conflict over Marinette’s obvious distress and the eventual anguish of his classmates, because he doesn’t like conflict, which is selfish no matter how much traumatic childhood you throw in there. His attitude towards Chloe was always hard to explain, however Chloe is a constant in his life and in order to completely tell her off he would probably have to run the risk of losing her, which is something he wouldn’t do if he was, well, selfish. It’s understandable, and putting ones self first isn’t always a bad thing. But there are limits, where it stops being understandable and starts being a bad thing. He took Kagami out without much thought of how she would feel if he decided not to go back to her, and continues to disregard feelings left and right for his own purpose.

Lastly, and most importantly. His moment with Kagami, and the rejection of the fist bump. at first, it was a sort of nice moment, and also a little sad. Marinette’s own insecurity relating to Kagami came through, first Kagami got adrien and now she might lose chat as well. She came over to fist bump, almost out of desperation. It was a nice reflection of her own feelings for chat that she beats down out of duty.

However, then Adrien did what he does best. He was petty. She didn’t want him, so he was going to flat out ignore their ritual for someone else. It was passive aggressive and inconsiderate, in the same way that his reaction to the oblivio kiss was. He assumed ladybug fell for him, completely ignoring 100 other possibilities and ignoring ladybug’s obvious distress in favor of his own interests (ring any bells?).

So, long story short, Marinette’s own insecurity and emotions would probably push her towards luka, who she gets along well with and probably wouldn’t mind dating. On the other hand, Adrien moves to Kagami out of pettiness and convenience.

Adrien isn’t getting what he wants so he acts petty in front of ladybug. Aside from that, Kagami seems like a convenience. He gets along with her, sure, but he only ever seems to move towards her romantically when he isn’t getting his way with ladybug. Outside of that it’s just him being kind, and ending up with her at places because of things his father signed him up for (voicing chat and the party following could only have been because of Gabriel, being on the train in the first place with Gabriel, even fencing is something he was put in, which is a tad suspicious considering Gabriel’s chats with Kagami’s mother). I’m not surprised if he was her friend, like the way that Marinette and luka are already friends.

That being said, when Marinette moves towards Luka romantically, it seems to be because of the two of them, either Marinette’s appreciation or Luka’s kindness and the time they voluntarily spend together culminates in them getting closer. Adrien’s affections for Kagami seem inspired by a natural feeling, however they only really show when he is being blatantly turned down by Ladybug or in order to spite her, and the time they spend together, while occasionally endearing, feels orchestrated by outside forces, which Adrien undoubtedly has little say in.

It’s a bit hard to explain. I have no doubt that he enjoys spending time with Kagami, however it feels as if his attitude towards her is passive. He ends up with her a lot because of things he’s signed up for, and he’s been corralled towards her by similar activities. If he wasn’t so bound by schedules, and she was just a regular classmate I have to wonder if she’d have caught his eyes at all (and in my opinion Kagami deserves better than that).

Also, she does, in many ways, look like ladybug, and has a similar can do serious attitude, plus she’s constantly wearing red. It’s a bit of a stretch, but I don’t like the idea of Adrien being okay with Kagami because she’s a suitable stand in for the actual object of his affections, ladybug.

So! That’s all my thoughts I think. I’m okay with Marinette pursuing other people because I can see an emotional and earnest reason for her to want to move on. Adrien on the other hand, I do think it would be okay for him to date other people, but the fact that he went with someone who was more of a convenient ladybug stand in that he was (theoretically) subtly pushed towards, all the while maintaining his serious pursuit of ladybug is less okay with me.

On a lighter note, to alleviate tension, I was very frustrated while typing this because Kagami kept autocorrecting to Alabama, a word I have never typed in my life, leading to a confusion and sadness and frustration smoothie.

#ml kagami #kagami tsuguri #ml marinette #marinette dupain cheng #ml adrien #adrien agreste #ml luka #luka couffaine #shipping nonsense #why are people so bitter

[deuildenoms]

Right the first time - an open letter

To be fair, even as it is addressed to you, this open letter is not for you, simply because I have all the reasons to believe further communication with you would be utterly futile.

 Let's begin this properly by saying I always admired you a lot; you were to me one of the most erudite people I knew. Unbeatable when it came to political and societal analysis, straight as an arrow when it came to your values. We are both artists. One painting of yours hangs on my wall still, several of mine used to sit in your flat - pardon me for assuming they are long gone. Pardon me as well for the length of this letter, as some things must be expressed in ways I cannot shrink.

 I used to joke about how you were the pillar of my social life. You were as extroverted as I am introverted, and were the crossroad between me and many people. I indeed met the man who abused me through you.

 I don't want to go into the details here. I couldn't even tell I was being abused - not the first time, not the following times, not actually until you picked up the phone that fateful day months later, and dragged me out of the pit of denial I was in, when suddenly I could no longer turn away from the fact something was wrong in my life.

 I was thankful, at first.

 So there goes, on one side: him, twenty-six, his boyfriend, twenty-seven, you, twenty-nine. On the other side, me, twenty-two, my two long-term romantic partners, both of them twenty-three, with who I am exclusive. We all started hanging out together like we all belonged in the same world, linked by the many values and hobbies we had in common and by what I thought were our mental conditions, as well. They were familiar with my anxiety medication. We all referred to ourselves as neuroatypical, you had ADHD, his boyfriend is autistic, and he is neurodivergent for sure. Formerly hypersexual.

 You introduced me to them, but I had no idea they were non-monogamous, or even that you and his boyfriend were fucking on the regular. That I learned when he came to me and told me he liked me.

 You didn't believe me when I kept saying on the phone, I didn't know they were poly, like it was impossible for me not to know-

 I turned him down at first. But something greater awoke in me as he touched an ancient wound that had only begun to heal and suddenly nothing was more important than to keep the man who had shown interest in me. To hell with my own will and interests, and I understood that only later. He therefore had to be my boyfriend, although platonic, since neither of my partners would allow something sexual, and neither did I want it- to hell with my own will.

 So, we met with my partners around a table one night. We defined boundaries together, to seal this new, atypical relationship. It was healthy, it had to be. As clouded as I already felt, it could only be something healthy; as used as I was to atypical relationships, as confident as I was.

 The first thing he expressed was that he regretted we weren't allowed to kiss, as for himself it didn't have to mean something sexual.

It didn't keep him from kissing me. Or dry-humping me. Or push my boundaries and making a game out of it. I pushed him away at first. Before the white noise set. Before -

-to hell with my own will-

And then it was white noise, that culminated into horrid acts I can't think about without feeling like throwing up. Simple facts am sure of: I did not want it at first. He did not attract me in the slightest. I had no intention of cheating on my partners by experimenting anything with someone else.

Then here comes the inevitable dissection of why I committed the acts I did with him. I learned many words in therapy that I keep denying as they are utterly absurd and as much as they apply to many victims of rape and sexual assault, I know they couldn't possibly apply to me, couldn't they.  

 Under the influence.

Lack of informed consent.

My therapist used the word remote-controlled.

 I'd rather the story be one of adultery caused by passion, getting carried away, being unable to resist. Though as much as I try to convince myself, there is always something tarnishing the picture; starting with the simple fact I did not want it at first. That I said no several times. Until I couldn't, he would lead and I would follow, he would tell me it was okay and I would blindly nod, hiding it from my family and the world and myself because your brain finds extraordinary ways to cope and tell you it's justified, it's the right thing, it happens for a reason.

To hell with my own will, he had interest in my body, I needed to be a body at his disposal and I committed to be just that.

When he stepped out of line, at first, I was the one to comfort him and tell him it was okay. He was formerly hypersexual; it was normal and realistic he didn't know how to restrain himself with a girl he was not allowed to fuck.

He was neurodivergent to a much higher degree than me. I was the one with a fancy degree, a higher degree of normalcy even, and a much lesser mental condition. I was the strong one and most responsible. He was just an intense dog, his words.

It was my job to keep him on a leash and my fault if I failed at doing so.

 He would either tell me it was okay because in his terms it was a cuddle. Or, sometimes, that it was indeed an honest mistake, but it was okay to make mistakes, especially in an intimate setting, and he wouldn't tell anybody, it was not to be known.

Sometimes he told me I couldn't keep my pheromones in check.

 I told you the first time he trampled boundaries and kissed me. You said he'd better be careful, as it was not acceptable; yet you understood him, being impulsive yourself.

 But now, in hindsight: no matter what I did, who I was even, there was someone on the other side with his fangs out, ready to feast. I didn't mean for this letter to be about my own psyche or the reasons that pushed me to react a certain way faced with this. That is my psychiatrist's job. I was under the influence of someone who very visibly took advantage of me.

 -with whom you sided-

 I had the gut feeling something was wrong between us. From a friend of yours -not even your own mouth- I finally got word that you were taking your distances with me, because I quote, had apparently said something diminishing our friendship a lot in your eyes. What the hell.

So then, here comes that fateful phone call and here comes the seek for answers.

Turns out I had apparently told his boyfriend you were just a drawing buddy who I wasn't feeling this close to, which deeply hurt you. I apologized profusely for this is not what I had meant at any point. I believe I told him I wanted to maintain a certain level of privacy, which I still believe I'm entitled to, and I didn't want my friends, no matter who they are, to know every detail of my private romantic life, at any point. Of course, this is what I meant, but then, it turns out there's what the boyfriend understood and faithfully repeated to you.

 The boyfriend also told you something else, though, didn't he. He told you that, in our relationship, with him, between his spouse and myself, everything was going perfectly fine to the point where we had sex.

 You had heard, from my mouth, previously, in front of my partners, that we hadn't had sex. So, knowing everyone in the equations including my partners, you decided to step away, because you deduced that I didn't share the same moral values as you did; the principle of radical honesty, which makes this whole relationship anarchy thing possible in the first place.

 Radical honesty: everyone tells everyone else everything right the first time.

 Surely, I didn't respect those principles; tell this to the two friends I came to be familiar with in therapy: denial and repression.

My version was that we hadn't had sex because I couldn't accept the truth, for the sake of my partners, yes, but especially for myself.

Avoid digging too deep into this, because you'll find your lack of informed consent among all the other ugly things you convinced yourself were righteous and safe. Your brain finds a way.

He said it was either just a cuddle, or an honest mistake. If it was a mistake, his mistake, it was not to matter, and it was not to be known.

 And yet, as I found out through you, he didn't exactly make the same speech to his boyfriend. We had stepped the relationship up, he told his boyfriend as a duty to make sure he was alright with it… and he was clear then, everything on my side was up to me.

 No matter what I felt or had discussed with my partners, it was up to me. Too bad if I couldn't do it.

As you condescendingly explained me, you were all neuroatypical, telling each other everything right, the first time, no barrier possible per your psyche. You gave me an ultimatum in all but name; so, I told my partners the very evening. It is actually when the truth, in the form of words, poured out of my mouth, that I saw it for what it was for the first time. Also, my loved ones telling me I had been abused.

 So, I thanked you, profusely, for bringing me out of denial. I cut ties with him. Actually, everything I thought I felt for him evaporated in an instant. A finger snap, and I felt like waking up. I was left with shame, incomprehension and rage.

 I couldn't keep one of my partners from sending him a rage-fuelled message that sent his boyfriend whining in my DMs about how he couldn't handle this pain, that we both had made mistakes but he shouldn't have to endure all this hate. Was I responsible for the way my partner expressed his own devastation? I was not, but I am, to this day, proud he did it this way.

 Then, I started telling you I had figured out something else, that I believed my consent was not respected, that it was more serious than a matter of adultery, that it was sexual assault.

And it was the last I ever heard of you.

You ghosted me, unfollowed me; gone. You were gone. Not gone from their life, though. As I later guessed, it was not about you getting away from a spicy situation because you knew everyone involved, this time.

The message was clear: you cut ties with me and didn't want to hear from me again, you sided with them.

The delivery was rather petty: no words needed because I didn't deserve to be talked to no more. I'm familiar with the technique, sadly, although I have to admit I didn't expect to see it coming from you, aka the most virulent advocate of radical honesty.

 Shouldn't I have known that you wouldn't exactly apply the same rules to everyone in your vicinity? Why did you ghost me and refused to listen, even?

 It is the main reason why I'm making it clear that not only I'm not expecting an answer from you, I'm pretty sure I never want any. Because, any further discussion on the reasons you left will boil down to my consent being questioned and I undoubtedly cannot accept this.

What could you believe other than I'm dishonest, lying, cheating scum who cried wolf when the tables turned-

That's fine by me, but have you ever wondered what it says about you rather than me?

 A woman comes to tell you she had doubts about her consent after erratic behaviour for months. How do you decide which party is worth listening to or not?

Is it, simply and crudely, pardon my French, because you happen to be fucking his boyfriend and not me? Is it because you identify with their mental behaviour rather than mine?

Because you understand them better?

 Then, of course, the truth lies in front of me now. Being an erudite activist the likes of you doesn't keep you from binding your values to fit your interests, as it has stopped no one ever in history. Being neurodivergent doesn't keep you from being a rapist. A damaged person with a fucked up past and skewed vision of sex, maybe, but a rapist no less.

An autistic female friend had come to tell me about the red flags she perceived about him during this period, how I should be wary about neurodivergent men making less efforts and using their condition as an immunity token. I couldn't hear her words, at the time.

Later, another friend confessed he had a crush on his boyfriend that vanished when he noticed certain patterns of bad faith and gaslighting. The ugly truth my naive self didn't understand slowly revealed nonetheless.

 I can't say I understand them fully, but I understand myself, now, at least. I'll repeat it once more:

I was deceived, abused, put under the influence, in denial, and I couldn't say anything and I couldn't tell.

 As I came to understand, the key lies within me. I am the only one who can make sense out of the situation and come to the conclusion that it was indeed rape. Whether you like it or not; you are not inside my head, and you are no one to draw conclusions.

Neither are they, neither are any of you. Neither do you share my pain and suffering today. And that’s okay. I’m healing, as shitty as it is. My partners are with me. My social life will not be the same, my sex life will not be the same, but we go forward, even if it means walking on spikes for a while.

 I believe I am done here, with my story. There’s not much I expect from you, as I told you. I can no longer trust you nor can I respect you. You now belong in my eyes to this sad category of woke men who turn a blind eye when the abusers turn out to be their buddies.

There is just one thing I’ve been meaning to ask you:

 If radical honesty means telling everything right the first time, what do you make of those who can't tell everything right the first time?

 What do you know of those who can't tell they're being abused, who don't have your wit yet, or your experience, or your maturity, or who don't happen to have a PhD in manipulation? Who can't think or process things the exact same way you do? Who, let's dare to say it, aren't neurodivergent enough, aren't damaged enough, to be the victims in the story according to you?

 If you ever come up with something to say one day that doesn’t involve questioning my consent or siding with my abuser, there is a chance my door will still be open.

 There is a chance you won’t be just another sad example; otherwise, too bad.

 It’s time for me to heal.

[theyearofnoclothes]

day eighty-five - when there are no rules

As of yesterday at noon, my city was instructed to shelter in place until April 13th, effectively shuttering all business that aren’t food or essential services. Everyone has been instructed to stay home and only leave for essential activities, though being outside for exercise is still fine as long as social distancing is maintained. Unsurprisingly, adherence to this rule isn’t absolute - people are still going to see friends, crowding each other on running trails and parks, or, in one gym’s instance, skirting the rules by hosting private training sessions outside.

There are no good reasons to violate shelter in place, which already makes exceptions for emergencies - only by staying away from one another now can we look forward to a future where we can be close to all of our loved ones. While I will absolutely be following all local and CDC guidelines and rules, I have to confess I did break one of my own - I bought something. 

Literally the night of my last post I was scrolling through instagram and saw a sort of plea on the Pamela Love account, which is one of two brands I still follow despite all my unfollow rhetoric (the other is Anti Social Social Club and I don’t even know why). In the post, the jeweler admitted it felt odd to be asking anyone to shop right now, but said she had been unprepared for how much her business would be affected by the pandemic. She was offering 25% off and her thanks to anyone who wanted to support her business. And I did.

I did not go browsing to see what she had, I already knew there was a ring I wanted, and I knew that this purchase, at this time, might actually matter. Just like I seem to have decided I can single-handedly save the local restaurant scene by ordering out, I felt that I could perhaps extend someone’s paycheck by making this purchase. The ring was actually sold out in all but a size larger than I needed, but I reached out to see if she could resize it and when the answer was yes, the purchase was done.

This account is all about not shopping, so I’d understand if you called me a failure or hypocrite or huckster or some such. I admit I did want the ring, and I’m not pretending it’s noble to buy something - I could’ve asked to donate without getting anything in return and not broken my rule. I also admit I’ve been running on not a lot of sleep, so that donation thought did not even come close to occurring to me. Given the circumstances though, it felt like a rule that was ok to break - I wanted this company to stay in business, and it was within my power to make that outcome a little more likely.

I don’t regret buying the ring, but the situation did almost get out of hand - once I realized she was doing a sale to stay in business, I wondered if any of the other brands I loved were too. So I started perusing, and had the inspired idea to re-buy that now-discounted velvet blazer from back in December that I had been served an ad for a week or so prior, but it turned out to have sold out in whatever sales were happening before I broke my rule. 

The ensuing search for that blazer at any different store and then browsing for a green coat on sites I hadn’t visited in almost three months (because blazers are inexplicably lumped under “coats and jackets”) is what led me to pump the breaks - supporting an independent business I admired in a time of crisis was maybe ok, throwing my challenge to the wind to “save money” on things I knew I didn’t need or didn’t even know existed was certainly not. I think when I hit Burberry’s website I knew that I had to step away from my phone and take a deep breath.

We are in some strange and trying times that will leave us (or at least our economy) forever changed. Through my job I’ve witnessed some people rising to the occasion to be their best self and others losing all sense of collective and behaving only in their self interest. I am trying each day to do the former, but honestly don’t know which side of the line the ring purchase fell on. On a technicality though, this account is called the year of no clothes ;) I hope you’re still on board.

#2020 resolutions

[her-culture]

A Breakup Letter to Social Media

by Jennifer Boyd

It’s human nature to desire acceptance and validation from our peers. So, we create Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and Tinder accounts. A new follower symbolizes a victory for us. Someone alluring and unfamiliar is interested enough to keep up with the photos we post of ourselves, our friends, and various backdrops positioned to add mystique and glamour to our daily lives. Of course, we can’t forget about the effortlessly clever captions and the emojis we artfully position around each cluster of cherry-picked words.  The modern sphere of relationships has changed irrevocably since the advent of Instagram and Tinder. We are inundated with likes from charming strangers who we’ve heard about from friends of friends. We like their photos to show interest in return, and perhaps, to perpetuate the friendly “like for like” dialogue. When our interest in a person is no longer defined solely by the amicable distance perpetuated by the liking game, we refresh our feeds compulsively to monitor their interactions. We loathe the feelings we experience when we discover that our partner has expressed interest in another by liking his/her photo. Internally crushed, we jump to conclusions. We feel abandoned, forgotten, and boring, the worst traits one can possibly embody in today’s multiverse of thrilling, public, social experiences. However, the feeling doesn’t last for long because we know there’s a sea of potential suitors at our fingertips. Anyone can be replaced with a Snapchat or a right swipe. Dear social media, you have fooled us. We are rendered powerless by your ability to manipulate our human desire to belong. We are slaves to your power to grant us notoriety and excitement, however ephemeral. In a world where the greatest tragedy is being unfollowed, we continue our relationship with you in return for the validation you grant us. On social media, we are free to be whoever we want to be. We can change the way we are perceived by others, and this is a godly blessing. We know that nothing we do will have permanent consequences because there’s an infinite stream of people who care about us. They are simply barricaded from us by a screen.  I am not excluded from the group of young people whose mentalities I describe. I don’t claim to be superior to anyone in morale or virtue. I have spent more than my share of hours on social media, meticulously designing the display of my pages so that outsiders can admire the seamless, fun-loving persona I have created for myself. But I’m sick of it. I want more than anything to end the cycles of artifice and insincerity.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

I crave more than what you so generously offer, social media. Validation feels blissful in the moment, but it’s instantly replaced by emptiness when the likes cease. Life returns to normal, the tedium of reality contrasting sharply with virtual brilliance. I crave a connection unmarred by the whims and caprice of virtu-reality.  Dear social media, I won’t let you fool me anymore. I know your presence in my life is toxic, and I refuse to allow myself to be further deceived by your hollow promises of abundance, acceptance, friendship, and love. It isn’t real. Bounties of your false validation can never substitute for even an iota of authentic connection. I’m ready to write a narrative for myself that cannot be displayed within the confines of a 5 x 5 cm Instagram square. The colors of my new beginning will not be derived from the generic array of hues you tint my experiences with. Statistics will become a foreign concept, dun and lifeless, eons away from the radiance of my unfiltered presence. Dear social media, I won’t play your game anymore. I’m left-swiping you.

#social media #guest post #submission

[tuanyiems]

Under the Rain

Challenge 01: Rain Genre: fluff/PG Character: Mark Plot: Your classmate, Mark, sees you feeling under the weather and tries to cheer you up.  (author note: I’m so sorry in advance! This is my first fanfic type/AU type writing on tumblr. Plz don’t unfollow me after this ><;;;; ...although I will understand if you do lol) [Masterlist] - When you were younger you used to love the rain—the rhythm it made when falling on your skin, the sound of it whispering as it spilled, even the smell that lingered afterwards. You used to run boldly into storms, dancing to the rumbling of thunder, singing love songs until your lungs felt like they would implode. You were happiest in the rain. Now…all you feel is cold. Maybe this was a sign of aging? You only turned 21 about two weeks ago and everyone has been telling you it’s too early to have a life crisis, but you couldn’t help feeling stuck. You were already past two decades of life and you still had no clue what you wanted to do. Every day was like an endless loop, repeating the same old routine that brought you back to square one. You sighed, watching the rain fall down harder as you stood outside the campus entrance. In your rush to get to class on time you had forgotten your umbrella. You should’ve just been late to class. “Why the long face?” a deep voice whispered next to you suddenly, causing you to flinch away in surprise. Your eyes widened even further to see that it was Mark from your Calculus class. He smiled at your expression, fixing his dark brown bangs, and leaning even closer to you. “Sorry, Y/N, did I scare you?”

You stood there in shock. Why was Mark talking to you? How did he even know your name? Yeah, you guys were in the same class but you sat on the opposite side of the room and you barely ever talked. You blinked at the gorgeous man in front of you, still trying to make sense of the situation. Mark chuckled awkwardly, not sure what to make of your silence. Maybe he shouldn’t have bothered you. After all, you guys were strangers…even though he’s spent every three hours of the week in Calculus class studying the back of your head. “H-Hi,” you finally muster up. Mark grinned, glad to have a response from you. “I’m Mark by the way,” he introduced. You couldn’t help smiling at this. “Oh, I know,” you chuckle. Of course I know. You’re THE freaking Mark. Mark puts his hand out and you grab it shyly, his fingers feeling warm against your cold ones. “My name is Y/N. I’m in your Calc class.” Mark smiled, glad to know his presence didn’t go unnoticed by you. “Sorry if I scared you before,” Mark started again. “You just looked a bit down.” Mark watched as you shook your head, forcing out a smile. You turned your body back to the rain, your eyes slowly lingering on the wet pavement, giving Mark a view of your long, ever so slightly, curled eyelashes. He was tempted to pull you into a hug then and there. It hurt him to see the girl he always admired looking so blue.  “It was my birthday two weeks ago,” you say quietly with a sigh. Mark looked at you curiously. “Isn’t that a good thing?” You look at Mark and chuckle. “It’s supposed to be, right? I don’t know though. I just feel like time is passing by too quickly and I’m just trying to keep up.” Mark nodded his head understandingly. “Each year does keep passing by faster.” “But you’re doing amazing things…I saw your performance at the school’s music festival,” you say suddenly. Mark looked at you in surprise. You seemed to know more about him than you let on. You grinned at his expression. “You’re really talented.” Mark blushed at the compliment. “Thanks…I liked your performance too.”  You looked at him confused. You were positive that you never performed at the music festival, or anywhere for that matter.  Mark reached out to fix your hair, smiling mischievously. You felt your face growing warm but pretended to be unphased by his gesture. “What performance?” you asked, your arms crossing as you looked up at him. He turned towards the rain, smiling as he talked. “A few years back, during Chuseok, I was staying over there.” He pointed to the freshmen dorms in the distance. “It was raining just like today, except it was even quieter because everyone had gone back home for the holiday.” You nod your head, remembering that time vaguely. Being an international student, you had stayed in the dorms as well. Mark chuckled as he turned back to you. “And suddenly this cute girl came twirling right by my dorm window. In nothing but a thin track suit. If you ever leave me baby~ Leave some morphine at my door~!” You buried you face in your hands as Mark half sang, half screamed the lyrics to Bruno Mars’ “It Will Rain.” That was your anthem during freshmen year. Memories of your freshmen Chuseok adventures came flooding back into your memories, causing your ears to turn scarlet. Mark broke out into laughter at your embarrassment. “Are you Canadian? Do you not get cold?” he asked between laughs. You giggled in embarrassment, finding Mark’s laugh contagious. “I got a fever the next day.” He chuckled. “Is that why you’re afraid to walk in the rain now?” You shook your head, smiling now. “I’m not afraid. It’s just that…I’m an adult now!” Mark grinned at your declaration. Somehow declaring you were an adult made you seem more childish. “Oh yeah? Where’s your umbrella then, Ms. Adult?” You grinned sheepishly. “I forgot it.” Mark patted your head playfully, reminding you again that you were having a conversation (and a pretty darn good one) with THE freaking Mark. “You know it’s supposed to rain until midnight, right?” You groaned, contemplating what to do now. Should you just make a run for it? Your dorm was a ten-minute walk away though. You’d definitely be soaked if you tried. Knowing that the rain wasn’t going to stop any time soon was making you cold now. You tried to rub away the goosebumps on your arms. Seeing you shiver, Mark proceeded to take off his hoodie and wrapped it around your shoulders. He chuckled at your surprised eyes. “I don’t want you to get a fever again,” he teased. You blushed, smelling his comforting cologne scent enveloping you. You smiled at the contrasting warmth of his sweater and the cool scent of rain. Your stomach was churning with butterflies. Seeing the familiar quiet smile that he loved, returning to your face, Mark smiled cheekily. He suddenly grabbed your hand, making the butterflies flutter even more inside the pit of your stomach. “Come on,” he said with excitement, pulling you away from the shelter of the campus entrance and into the steady-falling rain. You gasp in surprise, as the cold rain falls on your skin. Mark grasps your hand firmly, interlocking his fingers between yours so you won’t pull away. He laughs in his cute high pitched giggle, enjoying the shock on your face. He drags you along in a sporadic half running and half jumping dance across the campus greenway. “If you ever leave me baby!!!” Mark yelled, then turned to you to follow along. You blush, shaking your head vigorously. “Come on~ If you ever leave me baby!” You turn red in the face but relent to his demands. “Leave some morphine at my door!” Mark burst out into laughter. “Yes, there you go!” As your courage increases, you and Mark continue singing Bruno Mars’ lyrics, tasting cold rain on your tongues as you both laugh loudly, without any inhibitions. Before you even realize it, the two of you make it to your dorm entrance, falling clumsily onto the cement steps. Glancing at each other, you both burst out laughing again at the sight of yourselves, like wet puppies.  “You have a cute laugh,” Mark whispered, as your laughter subsided to soft chuckles. You subconsciously covered your smile with your hands, feeling shy at the sudden compliment. He took your hand in his again, moving it away from your face. You looked away timidly. “Don’t hide it.” he uttered softly. “You may not know it but this smile makes some people’s days.” You looked up at him, a small smile etched on your face. You were a little scared to interpret his words, your heart was already beating fast enough. Mark put his arm around you as he looked back out at the rain. “I know that your problems run deeper than I can understand right now,” he spoke seriously now, his deep voice sending tingles down your spine. “I know this was just a random, momentary break from whatever is weighing you down, but I hope that you can think back to this small moment and laugh a little too.” Mark turned to face you now. “But now that we’re acquainted, let’s make more fun memories together, kay?” You smile, feeling warm inside as you wave goodbye to Mark, watching him run back in the other direction to his own dorm. You sighed, closing your eyes and listening to the sound of raindrops spilling all around you. You smiled at the lingering scent of Mark’s cologne on your skin. I guess I have a new reason to like the rain again.

#100 drabble challenge #day 1 #fanfic #writing #got7 mark #scenario #fluff

[darkchose]

{🐱} oKay. so. It actually hasn’t been a year since I had this bog but I already hit half of 1k followers ?? I never imagined getting this far && I have you guys FAM to thank for sticking with a dweeb like me (((’: Seriously, being here releases any irl stress I have && I’d be lying if I didn’t say I treasure each and every one of you for it <3 !! Anyway,, getting to the GIVEAWAY. 

The PRIZES: 

1st pick  - Gif Promo + Chibi Art ( 2 characters max ) + Full commission (no background) 

2nd pick - Gif Promo + Chibi Art ( 1 character ) 

3rd pick - Promo graphic + Chibi Art ( 3 headshot ) 

4th pick - Promo graphic 

                                                                                            ---Gif Promo examples ( x ) ( x ) ( x ) 

The RULES: 

Must be a follower of moi ( if you unfollow me right after I will know && you will be excluded from other giveaways I have in the future )  

Reblogs && Likes count as 2 entries, but only once ~ 

Giveaway ends on 3/30/2017 ( the day my blog will be OFFICIALLY 1 yr old ) 

PLS don’t feel bad if you didn’t get picked by the random number generator. there will be more giveaways c:  

&& here’s a follower forever thing too, because you guys deserve one !!

♡♡♡♡ ℳ𝒆𝓼 𝓽𝓻𝒆́𝓼𝓸𝓻𝓼 && 𝓪𝓲𝓶𝒆  ♡♡♡♡ ( MY TREASURES && LOVES )

@tsukuseki​ / @blackthvnder​ ;; I would tag all of your blogs but- tHAT WOULD TAKE 5EVER LBRH :v Anyway, kasa...my bread...my bESTIE. I said it countless times but I’LL SAY IT AGAIN. I love everything about you. Your killer writer skills, the fact that you pick me up when i’m at my lowest, && for sticking with a loser like me for...5-6 years?? I lost track xD BUT. MY DUDE. I SERIOUSLY ENJOY ROLEPLAYING WITH YOU, PLOTTING, SCREAMING OVER OUR MUSES, TALKING ABOUT OUR DAILY LIVES, DRAWING, CRYING OVER CATS, && JUST FOR BEING A HUGE IDOL OF MINE ( Or big sister ). I CAN’T EVEN. ilysm. never change PLS (((’:

@resilienc​ ;; kAT !! Like. where do i even begin?? First off, you were the first Ladybug to approach me && I’ll admit...i was super nervous you IM’d me a few days after I made my Adrien. Like...I just got into the fandom? I DIDN’T EVEN FINISH WATCHING ML WHEN YOU POKED ME. NOT TO MENTION I HAVE A HUGE ADMIRATION FOR LADYBUG BLOGS?? I was just a complete mess tbh,,, but i’m glad you gave me a chance when you did bc you’re my bAE. my #1 bug girl. Exploring the LOVE SQUARE with you is truly a BLISS and I’m happy to have you in my life. ilu okay??? <3

@evillustrations​ ;; Rok!!!!! You’re such an amazing writer && your demon is sMOOTH AS HECK. I never thought my cat son would fall for a dude,,, let alone a VILLAIN but- I HAVE NO REGRETS. Their cuteness makes me melt every time && it’s srsly one of the BEST things ever!! I could talk about our two muses all day tbh. You also got me out of my shell in writing anything remotely to nsfw, reminding me how ‘fun’ it used to be, so...yeah...thanks for that. ilu mon roi  !

@plagatastrophe​ && @chataclysmics​ && @mcncheri​ ;; DUDES. amours. Zuzu, Bluey, Michael. I love seeing all of your cat sons in my dash. It’s an HONOR? BLESSING??,,, and i’d be lying if I didn’t admit how much I srsly ADMIRE each and every one of you. Even if we haven’t talked a lot through IM, I love you guys sm && i cannot wait to see you guys more in my dash !! A++ adriens ;w;

@reinedeparis​ ;; sCREAMS,, my boo. I can’t thank you enough for supporting me too when I’m dealing with irl struggles. You’re honestly the sweetest person EVER && very beautiful !! Your cosplaying skills still makes me v jelly btw. AND. on top of that I love seeing your Chlo/Chloe in my dash too!!! She’s such a bae. ilu.

@djlahiffe​ ;; ONE OF THE BEST BROS RIGHT HERE,, but i know how life is. Hope you’re doing well with your studies && whenever you have free time hmu so we can catch up !! i have been missing you so much </33

♡♡♡♡ 𝓠𝓾𝓪𝓵𝓲𝓽𝒆́ 𝓭𝒆 𝓵𝓪 𝒇𝓪𝓶𝓲𝓵𝓵𝒆  ♡♡♡♡ ( FAM QUALITY )

@darkentheirhearts ♡ @revelatevr ♡ @absoluteneed ♡ @tigeresque ♡ @kingjxck ♡ @queenedbee ♡ @foxlicd ♡ @radiantlovebug ♡ @friend-or-faux ♡ @redhotmetalvinea ♡ @mccnstrucked ♡ @thebxtterflyeffect ♡ @ladibugs​ ♡ @badluckpersonified ♡ @thecrystalizeddemongirl  ♡  @gaudensxpuella ♡ @miles-xanthous ♡  @kerosene-fiend ♡ @shinjukus-blue-eyed-beauty ♡ @purple-eyed-cat ♡ @plaggcat ♡ @camembertkitty ♡ @transparentsoul ♡ @mxlomane ♡ @miiraculeuxbelle ♡ @saniapalaxia1230 ♡ @catacopyism ♡ @awomansoheartless ♡ @blogginelle ♡ @cobaltcaster ♡ @weebiter ♡ @leoxcantus ♡ @spottedmiracle​ ♡ @spottedcharms​ ♡ @lxckylxdy​ ♡ @luckgiven​ ♡ @parisprxtector​ ♡ @astrayeus​ ♡ @wowiisms​ ♡ @thedestinychosenforme​ ♡ @pistiisimss  ♡ @silver-kuroh  ♡

♡♡♡♡ 𝓐𝓭𝓶𝓲𝓻𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷𝓼  ♡♡♡♡ ( ppl i admire from a distance ;w; )

@evilheld  ♡ @antibxg ♡ @sophistiqve  ♡ @degats  ♡ @ruinbell  ♡ @wifisought  ♡ @bakerbvg  ♡ @masknoir  ♡ @dcssincr  ♡ @the4thmagi  ♡ @siitamet  ♡ @pcritia  ♡ @warxmth​  ♡

[ Art Credit ]

#💞 ;; Follow Furrever !! #🎁 ;; G I V E A W A Y S !! #{ i'm. dead. #this took forever jfc #sorry if i missed some people #i know i did but #just KNOW i love all of my followers !! #you're awesome <33 #now i need to eat smth #i'll try to answer a few asks && drafts later tonight } #{ IMs will get a reply tomorrow bc... #this took up so much of my time OTL }

[brokenroots-blog1]

Turning Point

 “Because, you see, to be detached from the world, in the sense Buddhists, Taoists, and Hindus will often talk about detachment, does not mean to be non participative. You can have a sexual life, very rich and very full, and yet all the time be detached. By that I dont mean that you just go through it mechanically and have your thoughts elsewhere. I mean a complete participation but still detached.  And the difference of the two attitudes is this. On the one hand, there is a way of being so anxious about physical pleasure, so afraid that you won’t make it, that you grab it too hard. That you just have to have that thing! And if you do that, you destroy it completely. And therefore after ever attempt to get it, you feel disappointed,  you feel empty, you feel something was lost. And therefore you want it again. And you have to keep repeating,repeating, repeating – because you never really got there and it is this that is the hang up. This is what is meant by attachment to the world, in an evil sense.

But on the other hand, Pleasure in its fullness, cannot be experienced when one is grasping it. I knew a little girl to whom someone gave a bunny rabbit. She was so delighted by the bunny rabbit, and so afraid of losing it, that taking it home in the car,  she squeezed it to death with love. And lots of parents do that to their children. And lots of spouses do it to each other. They hold on too hard, and so take the life out of this transient, beautifully fragile  thing that life is.

To have it, to have life, and to have its pleasure, you must at the same time let go of it. And then, you can feel perfectly free to have that pleasure in the most gutsy, earthy, frolicking, liplicking way. Ones whole being taken over by a kind of undulating, convulsive ripple, that is like the very pulse of life itself. This can only happen if you let go. If you are willing to be abandoned. It is funny that word, abandoned. We speak of people who are dissolute as  abandoned, but we  can also use abandon as the characteristic of a saint.”

“All sensations are very short lived - they can’t last forever. The moment you separate yourself and a particular sensation and tell yourself that you are happy, the demand to keep it going longer for its duration of life is inevitable. What you are doing to stretch that and keep that going on and on has turned it to the opposite of happiness - same as the state of pleasure. You want to be in that state of pleasure all the time, but it is just not possible. So, you are turning pleasure into pain. The demand for permanence in every area of our existence is the course of human misery. There is no such thing as permanence at all.”

Have reached a turning point in my life, a very frustrating one indeed, at a very timely moment.Realize that I’ve been living my life all this while wrong - trying to grasp so tightly, hold on to the moment, even though it’s long gone. An entire shift in perspective is needed... Else, I’ll live the rest of my life in a very self-destructive, frustrating and vicious loop. 

Just came back from Melbourne barely a day ago, and am feeling a tsunami of emotions. The first two days were great, where I walked the city alone, enjoying the pleasure that is in travelling solo. I have to admit, the first few (probably much more) hours were definitely a very strange feeling... Realized that the only thing I was running away from for the past semester (or even the past year) was from myself. 

Myself - who was so afraid of being alone that I latched on to anyone that came on. Looking back, as perfect as thing seemed on the surface with Shuet, I guess things were far from perfect. The chase (which lasted almost an entire year) was definitely I sought so desperately after things ended strangely with Michelle. But when I asked her to be my girlfriend, despite the glaring warning signs that week, everything seemed to take a turn for the better. Up till... Chinese New Year where she couldn’t take my tight grip and wanted to break up - but she decided to give me a chance to change. Further down the road, after many chances, I suppose I just... couldn’t do it. I guess I handled the breakup so fucking badly because it just felt it didn’t make sense at all. How could it be that someone who loved me and cared for me so much would simply leave like this? Without a fight? And I failed, terribly, trying to see things from her perspective - and I guess this is my biggest flaw. 

She tried, she definitely did, over and over again, to want to love me and continue loving me. But I disappointed her, over and over again - especially that week where she came down, twice, to hall to find me but I pressured her to do physical stuff. Be a man, Yiwei, and take responsibility for your own mistakes. 

And I did... at least I thought I did during the finals mugging period in Y1S1. And Sharmaine came along - everything seemed so effortless. All the times we went out, it felt so peaceful. Drinks at the bar, listening to music at Helipad, escaping the rain (driving about frantically around the North), lying down at Marina Barrage. And me, being me, wanted to latch on to this so fucking badly. And I pushed, put in a creepily amount of effort, which eventually scared her off. Somehow, I managed to shove this aside - deleting every vestige of her existence from my phone and unfollowing her on social media - till now.... 

But first, Sharon. I suppose time really does wonders. Now, almost an entire week without talking (rather proud of myself for being able to hold back), I’m gaining clarity every single day. How we rushed into the ecstasy of physical connection and tried to force things to the way they were. Spending Christmas Eve and New Year’s Even was probably a testament to this - how we were probably both just too... afraid to be alone that we spent so much time together, like she said, doing anything and everything. And when the semester started, priorities changed, tensions heightened and things just went downhill. At least I get to keep her as a friend...? Or do I want her back...? Really need to think this through the next few weeks. 

But me, being me, needed an escape from all of this. Figured going to Melbourne to find Sharmaine will be a good idea, and I suppose things didn’t turn out as badly as I figured. When I saw her that night at the train station, she felt so... foreign and distant. But there’s just something - the ability to put me at ease and relaxed I suppose? The Saturday spent was amazing - “hiking” (somewhat) to places we both have never ventured to before and simply admiring the beauty of nature beside one another was simply breathtaking... The night was frustrating though - she spent a good hour and half on the phone with her friend planning her trip back to Singapore and I realized... What a fool I was, to think that I was that special. So what if she was willing to come to the city and spend a few nights to you? The way she spoke to her friend was the exact same tone in which she conversed. Worse still, she sounded even happier talking to him. But then again, who am I to set all these expectations? Before I knew it, I was on the flight home back to Singapore. And everything - those adventurous days, the nights spent stroking her hair and ear, the morning spent tracing the outline of her face - seemed like a dream. 

And now, back to reality. Treat her like a friend. Nothing could ever and would ever happen with her. She mentioned explicitly about how she doesn’t want a long-distance relationship and spoke about how her ignoring of her friend’s confession was for him to get the hint. Anchor yourself, Yiwei, to these thoughts. That worrying and overthinking is praying to the Devil for a weary and tired mind. 

Another thing weighing me down greatly - parents and home. Why does it feel so exhausting, suffocating and draining spending time with them? Every question asked, every statement made, every action executed seems to annoy me to the fullest extent. For instance, when Mum asked about Sharmaine’s photo frame, she clearly had no intentions at all. I’ve distilled it down to this - it’s not that I’m ascribing intention, but I’m channeling the negativity accumulated throughout the entire day (frustration, disappointment and anger) and father and mother, unnecessarily amalgamating the entire day into a ball of emotion. 

Let’s try this, tomorrow onward. No matter how annoyed I get, I will pause. Separate the heart and mind. Don’t take things personally and respond aggressively. For instance, Dad was just trying to joke around when asking about the camera, but I allowed the frustration of everything to make me emotionally heightened and almost caused an argument. The same for Mum asking about Sharmaine’s photo frame - I let the memories of her asking about Sharon and Shuet flow to the present and reacted unnecessarily. 

So, from now on, pause. You have the energy, abundant energy, if you stop defending yourself and your ego. Let go, let loose, love my family and my friends. Be better, Yiwei. 

The past and memory of the past tells us where we have been and what we have experienced. Like a boat, the wake doesn’t drive the boat. Your past does not determine your present. 

[whocaresattitude]

Too High-Strung to Sleep

It’s been way too long since I’ve typed up a blog post like this. 2016 was a hectic year for me, aside from what was happening in the world. My mental health was at an all time low. My depression grew worse around the fall to winter time. I noticed it around October. It makes sense. The sun wasn’t out for very long. I didn’t go outside much unless I had to. I was cooped up inside my house. 

Now. Flash forward to now. It’s currently 3:33 am. I know. My sleeping schedule is always erratic though. Thankfully, I’ve been awake and slightly more energetic in the mornings. It’s all thanks to my motivation to go job hunting. I’m getting old. Put college on hold until I pay off the bulk of my student loans from 2010-2011. An expensive-ass all women’s college. Life ain’t easy. It’s basically the equivalent of 4 years at a California state university. :D WOWIE

Today was a fairly nice day. A couple hours earlier, I had such a lovely conversation with my best friend on the phone. She’s the best. Right when I thought I was losing all my good friends due to long-distance and general “falling-out” of communication, she stays in my life throughout all the years of my depression and lack of constant communication. I am extremely blessed to have known her for almost 6 years now. 

Speaking of friendships, I contacted my old high school buddies. Only 2 of them really keep in contact with me through Facebook. One in particular (I’m not naming names. Let’s call her Cathy) -- Cathy lives fairly far from me now. She moved out for college and now lives in another state to achieve her career goals. I haven’t seen Cathy for years now. Can’t even remember the last time I saw her. Yes, I miss her. Back in high school, she used to let me borrow her teen fiction books. She introduced me to the TrueBlood book series (which I still love) and K-pop music and Korean dramas. We always had something to talk about, and she usually noticed when I was too shy to talk in our group of friends. Cathy encouraged me to speak my mind. Even despite being an extrovert, my being an introvert didn’t have a negative effect on our friendship. In fact, she helped me overcome a lot of my shyness. I take a long time to break out of my shell too, especially in front of new people. Anyway... I talked to her today, sent off a message. She must have been busy because she didn’t say much aside from a few replies. I know it’s hard to balance a romantic relationship with your partner whilst communicating with your friends too, but sometimes I wish there was no added pressure of living with your partner despite having some “troubles” or issues. She didn’t share the details with me. I don’t expect her to. I wish her the best and I hope she does work out things with her boyfriend. She seems rather happy with him, but at the same time, I wish she wouldn’t forget to talk to her friends too. Your partner can’t be the center of your universe all the time, you know? You need that balance of having friends by your side. That’s my opinion anyway. 

I talked to my other old high school friend. Let’s call her Nicole. Nicole isn’t someone I talk to often. Usually she’s rather quiet, sometimes quieter than I am. She only speaks when I speak to her. Other than that, she often has nothing of substance to contribute to the conversation. I know it’s awful to say that, but when I spoke to her today, it was SO one-sided. It was boring. I lost interest quickly. It’s sad too, because she’s not a bad person. She’s nice. She just doesn’t ask me questions in return. She doesn’t check in on me or ask how I’m doing. Those are decent things to do, and I guess she’s too cooped up with other priorities?? I dunno. Part of me wants to burn this friendship bridge. She is still local and I have the opportunity to hang out with her in person. But do I want to? Nah. We have literally nothing in common. Nicole wants to study child psychology. 1. I hate kids. 2. The majority of college students study psycholgy. It’s nothing new. I admire the field, of course, but I think some students who delve into the field do it because they glamorize mental illness. Toxic shit there. I don’t know what her goals are for life. Even in high school, she was one of those side friends who was merely a part of our circle of friends. I didn’t hate her but I didn’t love her, ya know? If only Nicole actually contributed to any conversation I initiate with her. Everything that was said is so bland. I lost interest. Being completely honest here. 

Now here is the main issue I’m currently facing. While I do enjoy some aspects of Tumblr, I’ve noticed more arguments, debates, and overall back-and-forth banter with folks yelling at each other trying to prove they and ONLY they are correct. It’s mindless. I even unfollowed a “previously only Deadpool themed” blog. Now this blogger is a bitter person complaining about everything and anything-- claiming one group is better than another. I’m sorry, what? I unfollowed that chick so fast. Problem is, I’m losing interest in Tumblr. I only follow artists here for the most part. Tried making Tumblr friends. That didn’t work. How the fuck do people do that, by the way? I can’t hold friendships with people I can’t physically see due to long-distance. Like, they live in countries thousands and thousands of miles away. It’s difficult. I try so hard too. Like right now (I doubt she reads my posts) I’m so torn as to whether I should admit defeat and end the friendship. She cherishes her current best friend in her life to the point where I am kind of a stool pigeon who checks up on her well-being. That’s all. Perhaps I’m jealous? We used to talk often. Now I barely her from her maybe 2-3 times a week. What changed? Seriously. I probably offended her. I did something. I have no idea? I know my biggest flaw is being uncensored, unfiltered, too honest. I don’t know when to shut up. At the same time, I talk TOO much. I say too much in one text and people will be like: “Oh cool.” Here I go over-thinking about shit. I’m just fed up, to be honest. I try so goddamn hard to make friends either here or in real life. The only friends in my life are from school. That’s it. I am reaching a point in my life where I need new friends. I need to have a reason to leave the house. I need to vent to people who are willing to drop what they’re doing to speak to me (if it’s an emergency). Where are these friends though? 

So. I’ve come to the point where I’ve decided I will move up north, closer to my best friend. Problem is: it will probably happen YEARS from now. Hopefully in less than 5 years. She has had such a positive impact in my life. My current love life is “under-construction.” I know he wants to move to Oregon though. Maybe it will work out for the best. I desperately want a reason to live. I need a new beginning, to start fresh. At this moment, I still feel uncertain about my career path. Looking for work is on my radar, that’s all. 

This is the gist of what’s happening so far. 2017 is the year I hope to grow more independent. I wish to learn how to take care of myself without relying on my family. I know it will happen. Soon. 

If you’ve read this far, send me a message. Obviously you share an interest with me, yeah? Thanks. Ciao. 

#journal #venting #about me #queue #blog post