#underrepresented voices | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

penguinsfly · 2 months

Text

I unfortunately saw something I didn't want to see and that was my last straw. I'm fucking doing this.

Let's establish this first. Alastor is stated in the show to be asexual that is not up to discussion. He is also very heavily implied in the same conversation to be aromatic. 'An Ace in the hole' being used in context of him being with Charlie is also implying his aromanticism.

VIDEO

If that's not enough then here is Viv speaking about his romantic orientation. It's pretty clear despite the fact that afterwards she said it's okay to headcanon whatever (it's not but I will get o that later) that he is written purely as an aro ace character.

On top of that going by Alastor's interaction with Angel from the pilot and the first episode it is clear that he is sex repulsed. Not only that but on the fandom website he is stated to be touch averse with two sources which you can check out on the website.

Hazbin hotel wiki, Alastor page

Now we established that Alastor is canonically Asexual, Aromantic, Sex Repulsed and Touch Averse

As I also am all of the above I'll try to explain everything to the best of my ability as simply as I can.

Aromanticism and Asexuality.

I'm probably targeting the audience that knows those terms but regardless I will explain it anyway.

Aromantic - people that experience little to no romantic attraction towards any gender

Asexual - people that experience little to no sexual attraction towards any gender.

Little to no

Asexuality and aromanticism are spectrums in which people can feel certain attractions towards people but those attractions are less occurring or are defined by personal connection.

Diagram from AVEN website

However some people are at the end of the spectrum, they never felt attraction and that's valid. Alastor was stated to be aroace he wasn't written as demi or as gray he was written as aroace as in the end of the spectrum. His repulsion and not giving shit about romance or sex speaks for itself.

Representation

I do understand that everyone wants to be represented but it's so important to understand that aroace people are one of the most underrepresented queer groups in the media.

And I'm not here to scream about how I want my fav character to be just like me I don't care for it I'm way too confident in my orientation to rely on that however I'm tired of explaining to people what asexuality and aromanticism is just to receive 'are you sure' or 'you'll change your mind' or 'its not real' or the community favourite 'you'll find the right person' no I won't I'm not looking thank you very much (I just smile and nod to be polite and I'm sick of it).

'Harmless' buts like: 'He might be on the spectrum', 'AroAce people can still feel attraction' hurt the final outcome for all the people on the spectrum not only strictly aroaces because it allows people to write one shots with 'Demi Alastor' that falls in love in 2000 words because he is 'demi' (spoiler alert: they don't understand what that label means). It's just a cover, an opening, sneaky way to disregard his orientation, feel good about themselves and move on. Newsflash there is no moving on for aroace people it's our life.

Shipping

Shipping is just harmless fun right? Usually yes but not in this case. In the same way its not okay to ship gay characters with genders they are not attracted to.

It's erasure and since there is much less people identifying on aro/ace spectrums then there is gay or bi people our voices are being silenced. Not to mention that gay people received support from entire LGBTQIA+ community over the years in contrast to aro/ace specs who to this day are told that we are 'not queer enough' or 'not oppressed enough' often by other queer people.

And finally... FINALLY we get cannon Aro/Ace character that is clearly not interested in romance and sex. Character that beats stereotypes of boring and timid aro/ace people and what's the first people do? They ship him. Alastor's storyline provides so many points to be explored like 'what is his backstory', ' what's about his deal', ' how does he fit in in the found family trope' , 'does he care about hotel guests' yet people choose to write about the only thing that he is not interested in. As a heavily repulsed person that used to be horrified about the fact that I'll have to fall in love with somebody at some point before I found out what aro/ace is I find it repulsive and trust me he would too.

But Viv said it's okay!

Its the same point once again. What if Viv said that it's okay to ship gay Angel with woman. She doesn't have authority to say shit like that.

Queerplatonic relationships

I can't tell you not to do it I don't think he would be necessary interested in it but for fuck sake do your research and try to understand what queerplatonic means before you use it as a cover to shamelessly ship him. Respect the fact that he is sex repulsed and touch averse and you're fine.

Why can't you just avoid it?

First of all I shouldn't have to. Alastor's orientation should be respected in the fandom like any other orientation is. Second of all I've tried. I tried to only look up AroAce Alastor tag I've blocked over 80 people on tumblr alone (I just counted) to avoid to see anything that could trigger me and I'm not talking about slightly shippy posts or fanarts I'm talking about full blown disregard towards his orientation. Guess what it didn't work!

Archive of our own where do I start. I've used this website for over a decade and I could probably count days I didn't go there on my fingers. I'm fluent in AO3 I know which tags I should block. I know how to skim thorough the summary and tags to see if I'm interested. I've seen shit I'm a shipper I've been on ao3 for ten years but never had to mentally prepare myself to face queerphobia as I click on the tab.

Just use aro/ace Alastor tag.

I do and let me tell you people can't tag for shit or they just pretend to be clueless at this point. Besides see this?

there is more ff with Alastor/reader (disgusting) than there is Alastor with his canon orientation and to play the devils advocate for arophobic people there is more Angel/Alastor then his stated in the show sexuality. I understand that fandom goes back before the show was aired but Viv confirmed his orientation back then too.

Summary

I could go on and on bout different issues and maybe I will in the future but I'm not wasting anymore of this weekend on it. I'm ready to answer any questions as long as they are respectful.

I'm aware that he is a fictional character, it doesn't affect him in any way whatsoever but it does affect aromantic and asexual people keep it in mind.

If there are any mistakes grammar related I'm not sorry I'm fluent in English (not my first language) but I took 3h nap in between and I'm sleep deprived.

Have a nice day.

#alastor #aroace alastor #hazbin hotel #aromantic #asexual #aromantic alastor #asexual alastor

491 notes · View notes

bloodyscott · 3 months

Text

on this martin luther king day we shall recognize that until black people get equal housing, job, education, and numerous other opportunities, and until we dismantle the system that places them in places that are segregated from much of society, where they live in food deserts and have decreased access to clean water, in places with increased crime, amongst other issues, black people will never be able to have the same opportunities and equal rights as white people.

martin luther king fought up until his assassination to give black people equal economic opportunities, education opportunities, and access to the same roghts as white people. from his work sprung the civil rights and voting act, which was a victory for many people in the civil rights movement. though there has been progress, black people still face issues with housing, are more likely to get underpaid, are underrepresented in the popular vote in certain states, to face unequal opportunities in education alongside racism, and the voting act has been threatened numerous times.

we must continue to fight for black liberation and not let the voices of the civil rights movement die down.

the civil rights movement continues on

#martin luther king jr #civil rights #civil rights act of 1964 #voting act #voting #racism #antiblackness #politics #us politics #martin luther king day

291 notes · View notes

belovedzine · 11 months

Text

"Butch-Femme lesbians have existed within the public imagination as stereotypes to be fought against, dupes of heterosexuality, toxic dynamics that are outdated and irrelevant– As Butch-Femme lesbians ourselves, we know that these claims could not be any farther from the truth. We know the hurt that comes from hearing our own community reiterating these messages when Butches, Studs, and Fem/mes have built our community to be what it is today. Even among other lesbians and queer people, we are an underrepresented group, often going unseen and dismissed. Butches and Studs are constantly accused of perpetuating toxic masculinity and emulating men, while Femmes are shamed for daring to love them for who they are. Accusations that ButchFemme culture upholds harmful gender roles and heteronormative stereotypes feels like a bold faced lie when historically (and presently), these dynamics exist to subvert these roles and turn them into something that can be safe and loving. Beloved, our zine project, emerged from our desire to celebrate that love and highlight the beauty that comes along with both identities. We want to revel in the love we feel for our community with those in it, and showcase as many different perspectives and voices as possible in the process."

Lottie Valiente (@toothfairyfemme), Beloved: A ButchFemme Zine Issue #01, Letter From the Editor

578 notes · View notes

whumpfish · 9 months

Text

Since we've been talking about it quite a bit recently, let me introduce an underrepresented part of conditioning: stupid shit.

Not everything you've been conditioned to believe will elicit a negative response to is going to trigger a full-on meltdown. Your whumpee likely has habits that only a caretaker who is looking will notice. Your caretaker might even make comments or tease them about it, because they're clearly not upset, so they're just being weird.

I was a prey kid, and my ptsd from that was probably closer to combat fatigue than strictly emotional damage. I did a ton of things nobody noticed, and the people who noticed never suspected why. I never sat with my back exposed, I always took the back row. I packed up all my worldly belongings and took them with me if I had to go to the restroom. I didn't answer to my name in the hall unless I recognized the voice. Failing to do these, I had learned, had catastrophic consequences; my life depended on them.

Conditioning changes your perception; it changes how your brain registers sound, for example. My brain just straight up discarded the sound of my name if it was someone I didn't know. I had no conscious idea that I was walking away from perfectly harmless people who were just trying to get my attention. I just didn't hear them.

Then I went and got myself an abusive girlfriend, because why not... and the opposite happened. I got told multiple times a day that I was walking wrong and sounded "like a herd of elephants." I didn't realize til we stayed with my aunt who has new hardwood floors that my footsteps sound WAY louder to me than anyone else's, and I wasn't taking actual steps but instead sort of sliding my feet along. I didn't notice until I tripped on a rug that nobody else was moving like this. This was weird. And I'm working on it, I've started to walk with the ball of my foot first like a Degas dancer. But if my heel hits the floor first it sounds like an earthquake to me.

Give your whumpee stupid shit that stays with them even as they recover from the big stuff, not worked on or even noticed by their caretaker and maybe the whumpee themselves. Make it an inconvenience. Make it instinctive. Make it awkward. Conditioning is a spectrum of survival behaviors, and the milder end of that spectrum is just as important as the more severe end if you want to write it realistically.

#whump #whump prompt #whump community #whump tropes #whump meta #whump prompts #whump scenario #writing #conditioning #conditioning whump #my life is a whump prompt

356 notes · View notes

dykeinthedark · 5 months

Note

Somerton's misogyny and lesbophobia was fucking blatant and the fact his fans didn't care / notice until a man made a video on it is abhorrent. That IS a problem, people NEED to do better or else bigotry towards women will only continue to be accepted! Lesbians were calling this loser out for years and no one cared!

hey. as a lesbian who watched somerton's videos you have to understand that it wasn't "fucking blatant" and it was embedded between smart (stolen) points in the structure of the argument, and was given fake "evidence" to prove it --- something hbomberguy specifically shows with every example. i personally always noticed that it was weird and it was always a critical point when watching his videos (and also uh, side note but you shouldn't primarily go to cis white men for good takes about feminism and the lesbian experience anyways --- like, you should be watching a diverse intake of thought from underrepresented creators and understand that the cis/white/male perspective will always be limited because it's not universal)

to many, though, it for sure didn't register as a pattern of behavior until the instances were laid out. saying that audiences were "abhorrent" for "excusing" it just shows a complete lack of sympathy, because again: the pattern of behavior was the problem, and rhetorically each individual instance was relegated to enough plausible deniability where it slipped by most audiences who were probably watching the video in the background while they folded laundry or something. when bigotry is shrouded under the guise of fact, it takes on the affect of truth and abuses the viewer's trust in the creator. sure, media literacy is a huge problem, and i've written and researched so much into that, and yeah yeah audiences should "do better." the reality is though, putting the blame on the audience feels a little misogynistic in itself, bc you're just shifting the blame from the literal people who need to be blamed for practicing bigotry --- cis white men with a large platform.

the real thing u should be saying here is to call for a diversification of one's media intake, but no -- let's blame the audience for getting lied to, instead of uplifting female, queer, trans, poc, etc voices. the only way people "need" to do better, imo, is listening to those people instead and seeking multiple perspectives.

like y'all, let's retire this very new narrative that all james somerton fans were evil misogynists who willingly supported this and need to be destroyed. really most people who watched his content were younger queer people genuinely interested in queer media analysis, film theory, and queer history, probably excited that a long video essay was dedicated to their favorite show/movie/etc, and lets not pretend this wasn't disappointing for them as well. can everyone like chill out.

#hbomberguy #james somerton #like for me personally it was always like. yeah his view is hindered by being a cis white gay man. and when ur a lesbian noncis poc like me #u just kind of accept bigotry like that as inevitable?? fucked up but in that instance u literally just watch fem creators of color instead #DIVERSITY YOUR MEDIA OR DIE!!!!!!!!!! UPLIFT MARGINALIZED VOICES!!!!! STOP BLAMING AUDIENCES FOR BEING DUMB #LITERALLY IF U KNOW ANYTHING ABT MEDIA STUDIES RULE 1 IS AUDIENCES ARE LAZY AND WON'T FACTCHECK #IT'S UP TO CREATORS TO PRESENT THE TRUTH AND UP TO THE LISTENER TO SEEK MULTIPLE PERSPECTIVES

177 notes · View notes

troutpopulation · 2 months

Text

I GOT MY ACCEPTANCE LETTER TODAY!!!

Hough hi I'm Miffy/Delph and I'm a filipino/mixed indigenous nonbinary latina and an archaeologist student in community college that just got the opportunity of a lifetime. In this field school I would be learning how to survery land with drones, LIDAR and GSI technology, and properly process artifacts. I would be at the dig sites and this could really kick-start my dream career and help me get to other dig sites and be part of the underrepresented voices of indigenous archaeology students.

I need to raise 6200 by March 31st and then pay for my flight if you could pls pls pls plssss help at all, anything you can donate I seriously appreciate it and please do share.

pa**y**pal.me/delphontheshelf

#Boost #Education #Pweeeeez I'm so funny and I draw good u love me so bad pls help me male my dreams come true

93 notes · View notes

yardsards · 3 days

Note

This is why I refuse to watch/read delicious in dungeon. The entire thing gives me fatphobic vibes.

see the premise as a whole is actually very body positive (i myself had similar worries that a story about eating "healthy" would rely on fatphobic ideas of "healthy", but was pleasantly surprised). like, its approach to "healthy" is "make sure you're eating enough of everything so that your body has enough fuel. make sure you're resting enough and not overworking." rather than "you must not eat The Bad Junk Food." (like, there's one part early on where they're like "oh, we've eaten too much vegetables and lean meat, we need to eat more fat" so they search for fatty meat and eggs. and then later they eat deep fried food and no one is ever like "oh no, this is too fattening" they're just like "wow this is great it's so crispy and tasty")

and the core message of it all is just like "your body is a part of you, and is the part of you that allows you to do things and reach your goals. don't treat it like a burden or an afterthought." and the series has had a positive impact on the way i view and treat my body

and overall, it's better than a lot of other popular anime series in terms of representing realistic and diverse body types. our two human (or "tallman" as they're called in-universe) main characters, laios and falin, are not super skinny, with no wasp waist or shrink-wrapped abs. i would not consider either of them fat in canon, but they're still fatter than your average popular anime character. certain races like dwarves and orcs are just naturally stout, and are never treated as being unhealthy or unattractive because of their weight. fatness is said to be a respected trait among adventurers, as a sign that you're good at survival and can safely recover from injuries.

however. the show has a few small things that make me raise my eyebrows. one or two iffy offhand comments (glaring at you, That One Conversation about laios's hunger near the end) that in most media i'd just be like "sighhh, normalized societal fatphobia strikes again, as expected." but for this series it's like "god damn it, i expected better from you."

and some things about how body types between fantasy races are handled leaves something to be desired for me. like yeah dwarves are all stocky, but also elves are all slender. it makes sense for the different fantasy races to have different *average* body types, but i wish we got to see more variation from those averages between individuals.

(also, i can fully understand praising laios and falin's canon body types! even medium body types are underrepresented in most media and it's good to see more of them! but calling them *fat* representation just feels inaccurate to me)

it's just like. dungeon meshi is GOOD in terms of body positivity and representation, but it's not PERFECT.

like, i love this show/manga (if you couldn't tell from the content of my blog)

mostly i voice my complaints bc like. i'm tired of tumblr getting it's hands on a piece of media that is good and generally progressive and acting like the media is *perfect*. and then proceeding to treat anyone who points out things the media could have done better as if they personally slayed your firstborn. (and then, months later, after the hype dies down, realize that some of that criticism was actually very valid, and then violently knock the piece of media down from its pedestal. and act like everyone involved in the media's creation are irredeemable scum and that anyone who still likes it should be ashamed)

so yeah, funny dungeon show good, and i strongly recommend it if you like fantasy stories and food and worldbuilding, just don't expect it to be a flawless paragon of representation and fat positivity

(also take everything i say here with a grain of salt bc i myself am thin, i just care a lot about representation in media and body acceptance and dismantling fatphobia)

#eliot posts #dunme #dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon

69 notes · View notes

art-that-fucks-you-up-tournament · 7 months

Text

SET TWO FINAL - ROUND FOUR

"Dead of Night" (? - Dragan Bibin) / "Untitled (I’m Turning Into A Specter Before Your Very Eyes And I’m Going To Haunt You)" (1992 - Glenn Ligon)

DEAD OF NIGHT: -scary -no seriously where the fuck does that rope lead?? -cute dog (unendingballofstress)

UNTITLED (I'M TURNING INTO A SPECTER): It’s very imposing sitting where it is in the Philadelphia Museum of Art. It features the same phrase over and over going down the page getting splotchier and darker going down. The phrase comes from the 1958 play The Blacks: A Clown Show, which was written to examine racial prejudice. As the words get muddier and illegible as the page progresses, the idea is to call attention to ways that Black, queer, and other underrepresented voices are heard and recieved, even possibly becoming invisible. A good portion of this explanation is paraphrased from the PMoA website so here’s the page. (weeweewhirlwind)

("Dead of Night" is an oil on canvas painting by Serbian artist Dragan Bibin that measures 50 x 80 cm (20 x 31 in).

"Untitled (I'm Turning Into a Specter)" is an oil and gesso on canvas painting done by African-American artist Glenn Ligon in 1992. It measures 6ft 8 1/8 inches × 32 1/8 inches × 2 inches (203.5 × 81.6 × 5.1 cm) and is held by the Philadelphia Museum of Art in Philadelphia.)

#art that fucks you up tournament #polls #atfyu polls #id in alt text #cw repetition

156 notes · View notes

ayeforscotland · 4 months

Note

I'm just starting to try and get into voice acting and it's turning into a really miserable experience given how much AI wants to intrude. I know intellectually it's good to still try, particularly since I'm trans and we're generally underrepresented, but I have to wonder what the fuck kind of incentive set it's supposed to be to join the industry if the result is some company getting my voice in perpetuity to use to say whatever it wants me to say.

The idea my voice could be used to promote a product I find vile, to protect a company I feel deserves scorn, or say something I don't want to say is... honestly, the idea is violating. I wouldn't even want modders non-commercially using my voice, as I've seen Skyrim modders do. If I'm involved, I get a say over my performance and what I'm willing to do or say for a company. I can put my foot down and negotiate on my own behalf. I can consent to the work. An AI bypasses all of that. You're right to be angry. I know I am.

I think what it boils down to is the whole generative 'AI' industry - an industry that currently is facing multiple lawsuits because the very foundations of its existence stems from stolen works - will not be fixed by patchwork 'deals' that 'empower artists/voice actors'.

If they started as an afterthought when this tech was first being toyed with, they will forever be an afterthought.

94 notes · View notes

yurimother · 11 months

Text

Asexuality in Yuri: The New "By Your Side"

This is a preview of an article from The Secret Garden, YuriMother’s exclusive series of articles, available only for Patrons. To read the full article, get early access, and help support Yuri and LGBTQ+ content subscribe to the YuriMother Patreon.

“Soba ni iru.” By Your side. “Zutto issho ni” We’ll be together forever. For decades these words were, for fans of same-sex relationships in manga and anime, the stand-ins for what we really wanted to hear.”

The opening lines from Erica Friedman’s By Your Side highlight the strenuous relationship Yuri and lesbian identity often have. It is a dynamic we have explored many times in this article series and will no doubt continue to delve into as the genre continues its rapid evolution and broadening. However, as I discussed in my article “Beyond The School Cathedral: How Yuri Grew Up,” Yuri and LGBTQ+ works are changing seemingly by the day. Moreover, while we celebrate the more explicit representation and discussion of queerness brought on by these changes, we also observe the growing intersection of other LGBTQ identities in Yuri.

In one of the first articles in The Secret Garden, I noted several works throughout history that explored gender and trans representation within or parallel to Yuri. Now, let us examine the presence of another important, though often sadly underrepresented, aspect of queerness, asexuality.

.....

Finally, Renmei’s 2021 series Lilies and Voices Born Upon the Wind (Yuri to Koe to Kazematoi) also presents a look into an asexual Yuri relationship, but without the romantic relationship of Doughnuts Under a Cresent Moon or Catch These Hands. Also, unlike those two titles, this manga notably openly discusses asexuality and LGBTQ+ identity using explicit terminology. Additionally, although lesbian attraction and the relationship between two women is at the story's core, its exploration of asexuality often takes an even more central role than in previous examples.

At the start of the series, the main character Matoi identifies as asexual, describing it as a lack of romantic and sexual feelings, which, as a reminder, is a common definition in Japanese LGBTQ circles. According to her, “That describes me perfectly,” and the character even clarifies other aspects of their identity, like that she is not a lesbian and is cisgender. Renmei does this to affirm to the audience that Matoi truly believes she is asexual and that the description resonates with her. Although by the end of the series, Matoi’s identity evolves, the author wanted to make it clear that she is not a closed lesbian or in self-denial in any way. Thus the series set the boundaries for exploring her evolving identity within the umbrella of asexuality.

It is unclear exactly how far into LGBTQ+ exploration Matoi is. However, she is assumed to be relatively new to learning about queerness. In the first chapter, she is shown to be watching a video describing “a look at LGBT,” possibly an introductory survey of queerness. She may have even discovered the term “asexual” in this video and, finding it the most accurate summation of her experience, decided that it described her best.

Matoi’s assertions about her sexuality are challenged upon meeting Yuriko, a 22-year-old biker who is also asexual. The two start seeing each other frequently for karaoke, motorcycle rides, shrine visits, and other reactionary activities. However, Matoi’s feelings for Yuriko are something more. At first, she attempts to rationalize it, saying that it is just fun to hang out with someone who does not get involved romantically, comforted by the knowledge that she has no interest in being physical while obsessing over Yuriko’s presence and every word. This justification is a retreat into her self-perception of her identity. As of this point, she believes herself to be asexual, and ties romantic and sexual attraction together.

Only after meeting Rio, a panromantic, demisexual woman and guide to Matoi in the LGBTQ community, does Matoi admits her feelings for Yuriko and the challenge it has presented to her asexuality. Talking through her feelings with Rio helps Matoi learn more about different asexual identities, finding a new label that more closely aligns with her truth, “non-sexual.” This experience also galvanizes her to learn more and continue building her knowledge of queerness. Matoi’s convection leads to her meeting an older lesbian couple, Rio and Chihiro, who serve as further sages of queerness and, as they are openly affectionate and sexual, provide a stark contrast to the feelings of the asexual characters.

Matoi’s newly found identity, nonsexual (ノンセクシュアル) is a term unique to Japan, where often, as previously stated, the label asexual refers to a lack of both sexual and romantic attraction. Nonsexual refers to someone who feels romantically drawn to others but does not experience sexual attraction (“Asexual.Jp Info”). It is thus identical to alloromantic asexual, a comparison Renmei themselves makes at the end of Lilies and Voices Born Upon the Wind’s final volume. Even as the split attraction model and its associate labels gain popularity in Japan, the term nonsexual is still employed, with over 80 percent of alloromantic asexual people identifying as nonsexual and only eight percent deliberately not identifying themselves as such, and the rest being unsure or unfamiliar with the label or its meaning (Miyake and Hiramori).

Want to check out the full article?

Support YuriMother on Patreon to get full access to this and other in-depth articles on lesbian anime and media as part of the Secret Garden series.

#yuri #lgbt #girls love #gay #lgbtq #gl #queer #lesbian #anime #manga #article #essays #essay #pride #pride month #pride 2023

374 notes · View notes

captainjamster · 2 months

Text

Underrepresented!Reader Series

Pairing(s): Price x recovering drug user reader Warnings: Discussions of drug use/abuse, contemplation of driving under the influence Wordcount: 2.1k Summary: An impulse to relapse in your sobriety is halted when John catches you sneaking out. AO3 Link: Right here! <3

A/N: Terribly sorry to be selfish, but I have to admit, this one is entirely for me. I am genuinely nervous to post this one, I know the world isn't always friendly in its perception of individuals struggling with substance usage, but we're sending it.

Full fic is under the cut <3

The urges have been picking away at your sanity for the last week.

Each floorboard creaks a song of your deception, calling out their weary complaints tauntingly with each step you take, and you pray the noise isn’t loud enough to wake John. It was easy enough to untangle yourself from his limbs, kissing his temple and murmuring something about the toilet when he reached for your departing figure with a sleepy grumble. Standing in the doorway of the bathroom was more challenging, the door pushed open and tugged close again just for effect, straining your ears with the air caught in your chest as you waited for his breathing to even out into deep, rumbling snores.

The further away your bedroom gets, the more your resolve begins to crack as you ride the dip of the overwhelming desire, rationality fighting through the impulses that beg to occupy your conscious thoughts. It’s not too late to turn back, slip under the covers again and back into John’s arms. Feel the grunt vibrate through his chest when you let him know you just needed a glass of water from the kitchen, that’s all, and fall back asleep to face the same dilemma all over again in the morning.

You keep walking, focusing your attention on the careful placement of your feet as the floor turns from wood to tiles, trying to drown the cacophony of thoughts rattling through your head. Though the kitchen is far enough away from the bedroom that the noise should die before it travels, you can’t help the hesitancy you move with. Like maybe if you’re quiet enough, the guilt eating at your chest will be, too.

Looking out the window that peaks between the curtains, droplets of rain are illuminated by the warm glow of the streetlights. Your pyjamas are too thin and skimpy for the unforgiving chill of the winter air, and the dressing gown you snagged from the bedroom door would only keep you so warm if you walked. Frustration flares as you consider another obstacle in your path, resurfacing the tug of war between relapsing or sobriety you’re trying to avoid as an irritatingly logical voice in your head pleads you not to disappoint John, not to disappoint yourself like this. The car it is, then.

Grabbing the damn metal without sending tinkling chimes echoing through the house is agonising, and you wince with every clang of the keys. It takes some patience to guide them out the wired basket they live in without catching them on the aluminium wires, exhaling a relieved sigh when they’re safe in your hand. The keys eat at your palm as you grip them, shimmying your slippers on delicately as you brace yourself to coax the door open, doubts flying through your head as you get deeper in.

The more you consider it, driving seems too risky. Maybe if you roll the car in neutral, you can push it down the street, far away enough that the engine coming to life won’t rouse John from his sleep – but you can’t drive back fucked up, especially not if you overdo it. Pain throbs in your hand as you clutch tighter at the keys, feeling the dents they make in your palm without looking.

Fuck it. It would be way easier to drive home with everything, pull up across the street and push your car back into the driveway. You can’t do it in the car – god, John would be so upset if the sniffer dogs ever alerted to his car – but there is that public bathroom down the street. At this point, even your own damn backyard could work. That’s a problem for when you have the drugs in your hands.

Convincing yourself there’s nothing to fret over with the illusion of a solution, you push yourself off the wall, reaching out for the doorknob. You know it clicks when you open it, but maybe if you’re slow enough, then –

“Hey, baby.”

The keys jingle almost comedically as your grip loosens, freezing in place as your blood runs cold. You feel like a deer caught in the headlights, fumbling as you try to work out the right response. “John…”

It takes a moment for your body to cooperate and turn on the spot. John’s eyes are puffy with sleep, one palm pressed into his socket as he squints at you with the other, running his hand up and down through the hair of his chest. “What’s going on, sweetheart?”

There’s no accusation in his voice, despite that you know he’s smart enough to have worked it out. Your hand falls back to your side, clutching at the soft fabric of your gown.

“S’just…”

He shuffles over drowsily, yawning against the back of his hand as he stops just out of reach, leaving enough distance to keep you from feeling cornered. You can’t keep contact with his gaze, trailing down his bare chest, the waistline of his boxers, to his bare feet where it stays. John takes note of the hesitant silence, the way your body trembles in the shadows of the moonlight, and gently asks another question.

“What did you want to go out for, baby?”

He’s so sweet. Giving you the benefit of the doubt, a chance to explain without pushing assumptions and imagining the worst. It leaves a bitterness in your mouth, self-pity clawing at your chest as you crash with the disappointment of the moment, so torn between being grateful and being fucking pissed that you’re caught.

“You know.”

It burns to admit, struggling to swim through the shame and disgust rising in your body. Admitting it explicitly feels too much, but John still understands, humming acceptingly without any displeasure. When your eyes flicker back up to his face, his brows are furrowed in a loving concern, looking over you in that way John does when he’s trying to solve all of your problems in his head.

“Come sit on the sofa with me, love?” He prompts, extending a hand for the keys. You stare into his hand, raising your own arm to hover above his palm reflexively, but your fingers fight to loosen around the metal.

“I know, sweetheart,” he murmurs, “it’s okay. I’m not going to stop you, this is your choice. At least let me drive you so I know you’re safe.”

The proposal breaks your heart. Sneaking around to do drugs behind John’s back is one thing, but dragging him into it is another – one that’s entirely off limits. Your head is shaking urgently before you can find words, pulling your hand away to stuff the keys back into their basket. “Absolutely not. No, never.”

He drops his arm, bringing it back to his side. “S’alright too, darlin’. Just an offer.”

The space falls quiet as he watches you patiently, leaving time for you to speak up or make a move. When stillness keeps you rooted to the spot, hands tangled forcefully in the plush of the gown, he pipes up again. “Speakin’ of offers, would you come to the sofa with me? We can stay here, but it’s a bit comfier than the floor.”

The lightness in his tone is another gentle reassurance he’s not mad as you nod slowly, tugging at the inside of your lip to hold back the floor of tears. You sink lower into the mess of your emotions with each step, trying to keep composure as you follow him to the sofa. The plush furniture groans as John settles into it, purposely leaving his arm wide for you to curl into him. It takes a moment to curl up against him, feeling undeserving of the unconditional warmth he wraps you in as he tugs you closer.

“Tell me what’s goin’ on, doll.” He whispers, running a hand through your hair.

“Couldn’t sleep.”

He hums understandingly, allowing you to continue without interruption.

“S’been bad the last week. Can’t stop thinking about it, everything reminds me of it in the most irrelevant ways. It’s like it never leaves my mind. It makes me fucking miserable.” The air struggles to reach your lungs through your choked up throat, breath hitching as you fight to keep it under control.

“Thought that…” Swallowing around the lump of shame in your throat is painful. “I thought I could just go out for one deal, just one. Could come home before you wake up, shower, and I could be happy again and you wouldn’t be stuck dealing with me like this! Just for a week, a few days, even a fucking day. Just some fucking reprieve from this bullshit.”

The words tumble out as the floodgates break, pressing your face against John’s bare chest. Soothing hushes fall from his lips, rubbing his hand up and down your back as you crumble into him.

“It’s okay, my love.” His breath is warm against your scalp with every word. “I know it’s been tough for you lately, baby, I see you workin’ so hard.”

The assurance has you sobbing harder, shoulders shaking as you gulp down oxygen between wails, and he does nothing but hold you closer. “You’re doing such a good job staying sober. Must’ve been so hard to fight those urges all week. Sounds like there was a lot triggering you, huh?”

All you can do is nod weepily, bringing a sleeve up to wipe at your runny nose. Words feel far from your grasp as the emotional intensity of your week fully hits you, but John doesn’t stop with the hushed reassurances. “M’not mad, you haven’t disappointed me, love. So proud of you for still tryin’. Even if y’did go, you wouldn’t disappoint me. These things happen.”

Your chest aches as tears stain your face, slick against his damp skin that catches each drop. John doesn’t care about the snot or tears tangling his hair, letting you sob into his chest like a tissue. “You’ve been strong for the last few months, it’s okay if you fall this time. S’okay even if you fall tomorrow, and the day after that.”

Each breath is still ragged, shaking your figure with a fierceness that won’t let you keep your fingers together. John steps in, sliding his fingers between yours, rubbing circles over the back of your hand. “I know, sweet thing. Can you try’n breathe with me? Know y’can do it, take a breath with me, jus’ like that.”

He takes a deep, purposeful inhale that moves you with him, exhaling it slowly and repeating until your breath falls in peaceful synchronisation. For however long passes by, it’s just you and John rocking through the last of your distress, the warmth of his body and touch of his skin keeping you from floating too far back into the guilt and temptation ringing through your mind.

“Remember what your therapist said?” John speaks up, soft voice echoing through the quiet, dark living room. “Urges and relapsing are a part of your sobriety.”

“Being sober isn’t a destination, it’s a journey,” you mumble into him, closing your eyes as the mantra washes over you.

The room falls silent for long enough that you almost dose off, lost between the comforting touches of John and the weariness that begins to replace your fading adrenaline.

“With me, sunshine?” John prompts, running his nails along your scalp soothingly as he catches the dwindling of your consciousness. Despite the hoarse, watery “yes” you mumble into his chest hairs, you can still hear the smile in his voice as he responds. “What can I do for you, hm? Anythin’?”

You reject him with a refusing hum, shaking your head. “Nothin’, just stay here.”

“Couldn’t think of anythin’ I want to do more. I’ll carry you back if you fall asleep.”

The thought of putting John through any more trouble tonight has you frowning, pushing yourself away from him despite his reluctance to loosen his grip, giving you a curious look.

“Save you the trouble, let’s go now.”

His eyes crinkle with the turn of his lips, smiling at you affectionately as you rise. Your hands intertwine as he reaches out, only loosening when he tugs the dressing gown off your shoulders, hanging it over the door as you make your way to the bed. Despite your head start, his long legs move him quicker, pulling the blankets back for you.

You slip in between the sheets, feeling the bed dip as John crawls in his side. His arms are open expectantly before you have to say anything, smoothing the sheet out to create a comfy spot for you that you snuggle into without hesitation.

The muscles hidden under that soft layer of fat in his arms flex and release as he wraps his arms around you, finding a protective purchase on the soft rises of your body. A pang of gratefulness rattles your chest, and you squeeze your eyes shut, breathing in the smell of your lover. It doesn’t take long for you to fall back into the gentle lull John coaxed you into before, and once he’s sure you’re soundly asleep, he sinks into unconsciousness with you.

dividers by cafekitsune

#look. i think john would get it #as someone who 1) smokes cigars and may have a tobacco dependence 2) would see substance abuse as coping in his own soldiers #i think he would be a great partner/support system for maintaining sobriety #price x reader #john price x reader #price x you #john price x you #jams writings #rep!reader writings #cod fanfic #call of duty fanfic

62 notes · View notes

calistrae · 1 year

Text

overwhelmed. jude bellingham

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

requested: yes/no

request: "so can it be where the reader is very shy, doesn't talk even if they need to and will do anything to not interact with anyone but their BFF and jude and he's trying to get them out of their bubble but they get overwhelmed and cry"

pairing: shy!gn!reader x jude bellingham (platonic because friendships are criminally underrepresented)

warnings: mentions of anxiety, reader has an anxiety episode, angst, jude's a sweetheart

feel free to send in requests!

─── ･｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

it was no secret to anyone around you that you were shy - whenever you could avoid talking to new people, you took the opportunity. aside from your best friends, alex and jude, you rarely spoke to anyone. even the smallest of social interactions could make you struggle with keeping your head straight.

alex and jude could see you struggling on the daily and whenever they could help, they did. whether it was by ordering your coffee for you at your guys' favorite café or helping you out with important presentations, they were always there for you. both of them had always been outgoing and rarely felt anxious around people. nonetheless, on some level, they failed to understand you. they had no idea that each time you had to talk to someone new your hands would began sweating and your whole brain went into overdrive, making the worst assumptions about the interaction, even if it was just small talk.

for you, the absolute worst case scenario was whenever the two dragged you to some party. they always felt crowded with no room left to breathe, people rubbing against one another and there was no way you could avoid conversations. jude had been begging you to come with him and alex to a night out for so long and even though you had managed to create excuses for about a week now, you were slowly running out of ideas. so on a dreadful thursday afternoon, your phone screen lit up with a text message from the footballer.

bellingham: "tomorrow night work for you? will make it fun, promise."

as quickly as your fingers managed, you typed out a response, excusing yourself with having to do some shopping. right as you were about to send it, you could feel guilt in the depths of your stomach. you had been making up excuses for so long. you couldn't possibly lie again to avoid getting out of this. at some point they'd clock that you were making things up. with a deep sigh, your head fell back against the headboard of your bed as your thoughts began running. if it was jude and alex planning a night out, it would be either at a club or a bar...even the thought of the places gave you goosebumps. you dreaded going to them, despised it with your whole heart in fact. god, you hated this so much. why did you have to be friends with the two most social people you could think of?

and that's exactly how you ended up in a club, sitting at a booth with your best friends. jude had already started on drinks while alex was scanning the club, trying to find anyone that would catch her eye. you on the other hand felt claustrophobic. people were so close, the loud music and voices booming through the club. not your scene at all. as always, your shyness had become the topic of the night, your friends attempting to convince you to try and talk to someone, make new acquaintances or even friends.

"seriously, i think you should go and talk. it'll help you come over your fears, you know." alex mentioned and sipped her cocktail. her words only made you tense up "what if i embarrass the shit out of myself, al?" you countered and ran your hand through your hair, glancing around you.

"al is right, y/n. you've got to get out of your comfort zone. you have two friends in the whole world" jude chimed in and shrugged. "i'm bored out of my mind. how long are we gonna stay in this damn booth? come on, let's go." the guy nudged your leg with his foot underneath the table before standing up and pulling you with him, alex following close behind. in this moment, you wanted to kill him. instead, you let yourself be dragged along.

as soon as you got to the bar, you ran into some of his other friends and pretty naturally, your groups blended together. while everyone was chatting and bantering, jude ordering shots for the group, you stood with your back against the bar, completely unable to speak. the guys and girls all seemed friendly but your mouth was sealed shut and you couldn't bring yourself out of it. your mind was filled with your own thoughts, your heartbeat seeding up with each passing second. it was at least 10 people, if not more. it was too much.

at some point, the footballer looked over at you, noticing the blank expression on your face. his brows furrowed together as your eyes met. right then, one of the girls, who you had heard was called jade, turned to you "i'm so sorry, i don't think i caught your name, love?" she spoke up and gave you a smile.

"i don't think they have introduced themselves." "you should introduce yourself."

"i'm assuming you're y/n, right?"

all these questions kept coming at you and gradually, your breathing began to quicken and when you tried to open your mouth to speak, alarm bells went off in your head and you fell silent once again. you pressed your lips together, tightly clenching your hands together behind your back but you couldn't contain it. you could feel your eyes burn with tears but before any of them escaped, you made your exit, pressing through the sweaty bodies to get outside. you could feel the air running out from your lungs, you needed to breathe. as soon as you left the club, you sat down on the stairs, feeling yourself crumble.

jude was shocked, he hadn't expected you to react like that. he knew you were shy but he had never fully comprehended how hard socializing was for you. when you left, he quickly excused himself and followed you out. seeing you on the stairs, he crouched down in front of you. "hey...i'm so sorry that happened." he told you calmly and lightly ran his hand over your forearm in a soothing manner. "we shouldn't have pushed like that, we didn't know it could affect you like that." he admitted and took a seat next to you, wrapping his arm across your shoulders. fuck, he felt horrible about this.

"take deep breaths, yeah? we don't have to go back inside. alex will stay with jade anyways. we can get out of 'ere if you want." he told you and just let you be, while you tried to at least get your breathing back to normal. it was a relief jude was there with you as he dismissed people that approached to ask if you were alright.

"how 'bout we call a cab, since you know, eh, i can't really drive anymore. and i'll take you home."

and he did but instead of leaving straight away, he ordered some comfort food before he made sure you got to bed safe and sound.

#jude bellingham x you #jude bellingham x reader #jude bellingham imagine #jude bellingham one shot #jude bellingham #borussia dortmund #jb22 #football imagine #football one shot #football #angst

456 notes · View notes