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#ugh i miss my haircut from that summer it was so cute :(
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oh wait i actually had green hair a few summers ago when i had my joker themed breakdown bc i was still refusing to admit to myself that im trans and also the guy i was fucking tried to hook up with a kid despite my best efforts
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ellerevelle · 4 years
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okay so im feeling crazy and detached again (as usual lately)
but instead of spiraling into absolute fucking panic, I’m deciding to take today to just ... not wholly subscribe to this manner of thinking BUT. JUST FOR NOW. I feel like taking some of the craziness flack off myself and blaming it on some shit outside of myself. Because feeling this weird and detached cant all just be me. So here’s a brainstorming of whats got me fucked up, in no particular order: 
Trump is our stupid President
That guy who told me he loved me daily and asked me to be his girlfriend after basically living with me immediately after meeting me and I fell for hard despite a ton of red flags CHEATED on me while I was away visiting home. 
And then blamed it on MY bad communication? fuck that guy. 
But now I see one of the girls he slept with (multiple times, three days in a row) I see her everywhere all the time in everyones instagrams, at everyones parties... ugh. 
Um. People are dying. Close to me. More importantly and spefcifically women I love are dead. 
I didnt get to see Inga before she died. I was too busy forging a relationship with CHEATER GUY. Didnt get home in time to see her. Talk to her. 
Grandma. This has been the whole first year without her, come November. Its subtle, but terrible and I hate it. She was my last matriarch. The last woman who’s blood is in me. 
because Mom’s dead too. And has been since August of 2015. 2015, right? God it feels like forever ago now, probably because I’ve pushed it away. She died unexpectedly and NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS SAID THE WORD SUICIDE OUT LOUD even though thats what happened. She OD’d on prescribed opiate painkillers to escape her depression. And we NEVER talk about it. 
So I kindof feel insane. Not talking about things that are clearly there. Like, are they not clearly there for anybody else? Now all my women are gone. My brother literally avoids talking about feelings. My dad is a little more receptive but is more the comforting type than the forthcoming, express onesself type. Getting sentimentality out of my brother is like pulling teeth sometimes. But yet if his son does something cute, its God’s Work and he cant help but cry and get that beautiful lovie squishy look on his face. 
I’m jealous of my own nephew. I see the way my Mom loved me, in the way my Brother loves his son. And I miss being that perfect to somebody. My Dad loves me forever and always and there isnt a word for how grateful I feel for our relationship. I dont take that for granted at all. It actually kindof scares me because... hah, well what if Dad dies? Like, before I’m ready? I’ll be even MORE fucked! 
Anyways. Austins been pissing me off. I’m sorry but although Polyamory is possible and cool and im sure quite beautiful for many, 
The Austin poly scene is fucked and tainted and a bunch of slutty people having orgies and not TALKING about anything and its ruining the healthy vibe poly is incumbent upon. 
So, whatever I’m angry. So fuck that noise. 
I feel like because of cheater guy and my anger at the psuedo poly orgy sexy bullshit scene in Austin, I feel like I’ve broken up with a whole group of friends. Like, I dont want to be around any of it. I dont want to see you eat mushrooms and twerk. I dont want to see your stupid, super naked outfit. I dont think its hot you carry a flogger or can pole dance or slink around like a tarantino character. It used to be hot and thrilling and fun, when I felt like it was connected and for love and sharing and caring. But now it all just is slutty and vapid and useless and cold. Like a sad clown. And thats not sexy, its dark and desperate. *this is about both VERY particular people and broad general strokes. There are several extremely amazing friends in the scene and outskirts thereof that truly inspire me and dont fall into this catagory in my mind, although they’d probably still be angry with me for dissing things ^^ the way I just did but. fuck it, this is MY journal entry and I can be irrational if I want to. 
You cant be open fucking minded ALL the time. Sometimes people really arent acting with anyones best intentions but their own. I’ve used up SO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY making myself soften and open and “woke” and trying to go with everybodys flow. And I’m exhausted and over it. I have my own principles and theres nothing wrong with having differing opinions than someone else. 
All summer I’ve been feeling like I’m a bad person for not liking or not understanding this hyper sexual scene in Austin. I thought, “why am I shaming a scene thats giving me opportunity to really shine and be free?” when, in an IDEAL world, yes thats what the scene could be. But in what actually fucking unfolds -- humans SUCK and dudes SUCK and girls SUCK and everybody (especially when horny) are fucking STUUUUPIIIIIDDDD and ideals get thrown out the window! people arent nearly as “woke” as I gave them the actual credit for. Seriously. So! I’m fuckin OUTTIE! 
I’ve felt broken up with a whole scene. FUck cheater guy, fuck poly, fuck orgies, fuck people who are reckless with my love. 
Back to the list:
I’ve been eating too much out of boredom. Which I’ll blame on lack of quality social interaction in this town. Where are the scholars? Where are the sexy edgy BRAINY people? I’m tired of hot people in little clothing in the summer. 
Ah! Another thing for the list. its been TOO FUCKING HOT OUT. FOR MONTHS. 100 DEGREES FOR MONTHS. thats enough to make anyone insane. 
So i’m sick of teenie boppers in their nothing outfits in the heat. 
I want old smart people in peacoats. I miss books and weather and frowns. Irritable debates about literature or physics or religious theories. 
I only like my own brand of cigarettes. 
My roommates are annoying me. I dont really like my house anymore. Theres too many humans and not enough square footage. Four people to one kitchen is TOO MUCH SHIT. EVERYONE BUYS THEIR OWN BANANAS AND THEY ALLLLLL GO BROWN ON THE TABLE. thats four peoples worth of bad bananas. FUcking stupid. 
I dont have a hairdresser here. Sometimes when I feel shitty I like to throw money at the problem. Buy something. Get a haircut. See a show. Etc. 
And my hairdresser love is in Philadelphia and getting a flight to get a haircut is slightly insane (without a longer visit)
I miss Adam. 
What else can I blame my upset on. Shitty politics, shitty weather, shitty social sexual scene in my town, I dont like my house, I dont like my hair. Its too expensive to live here. No one in my immediate acquaintance or friend circle seems interested in the sort of romantic relationship I’m seeking, nor if they did does anyone have the “it” factor I look for which I’ll *try* to describe maybe in another post. 
So. I sit inside my room and try to fix stupid remedial things as if itd make a big impact. I tidy and put away clothes in attempt to feel less cluttered but am too scared to make BIG cuts and BIG changes. So instead I light insence and watch netflix and eat too much. I have started going to Barre3 again more and have been semi regular with therapy so thats something. 
I really ought to start doing “morning pages” like the book Fiona loaned me suggests in its FIRST GODDAMN CHAPTER. But, alas, I am lazy. 
No, I have become recently lazy. 
I’m spoiled. I dont do things I dont want to do. Its a major character flaw. I only push and struggle if I see worthyness in it, and lately theres been serious lack of evidence of that in, well, anything.
 #depression! 
so, I guess in summation- because nothing has been a WORTHWHILE struggle, EVERYTHING feels like a struggle. Humph. thats... thats not good. But it does, because i dont see the worth in a lot of goals or tasks or even relationships, (and i dont mean the greedy “what can I GET for ME out of this!” sort of b.s.) (I mean the... conserve precious energy, is this going to teach me something or help me grow as a person or bring love into my life sort of vibe) ...
when I dont think the energy expenditure is going to pay off, I dont do it. Or I do it half way or lazily or with tentative fear. I guess I could do an experiment and just do everything with HOPE and see if my energy put in will get a different result... but. like. I feel like I did that all summer and he cheated on me. And my “friends” said “dont be angry, be poly” and I couldnt call on my Mom or Grandma and so I call on eating and isolation and running away to visit home where no one cares I dont have a job. where the house is big and the air is cold and my friends are smart. 
I really miss Kristian. That was one of the greatest feelings of self love in my entire life. I felt like, if someone that special noticed ME. Saw ME. Little old, semi chubby, not famous ME, and wanted me around for a couple tour dates. Then I ought to believe in myself TOO. I wanted to dance, I wanted to make art, I wanted to take photos, I wanted to be bold, I wanted to be humble, I felt so open and content with myself. I was motivated to work out, I was motivated to eat healthy and clean and small portions. It was easy. It felt so fun. I loved him. I dreamt big. My imagination was so warm and excited. My inner critic was GONE. 
But he faded away. He got back with his ex. The shooting star left the sky. I’m still grateful for the experience at all, but. 
I feel a little stupid for thinking anything could’ve happened. 
And I truly miss feeling so special and excited about life. 
I dont want to run away from Austin out of fear. But I cant tell if I’m unhappy and want to leave genuinely, or if this is the spoiled part of me thats like, “this sucks, lets leave.” instead of pushing though, curating something better with some struggle, and sticking it out. 
How do people make big life decisions like this? I feel like thats what marriages do. People stay together and fight. But sometimes they get divorced anyways, its just been longer. More years wasted. When maybe it wouldve been healthier to leave sooner and cut the cord and be free to live without, sooner. 
I really like a lot of things about this city. But I really dislike a lot too. And I cant tell where I want my life to go, in a grand sense, so its hard to pick which attributes will matter in the long run. 
I dont think I should leave yet. Maybe a new house. Or like, serious efforts to declutter this one. Is this just excuses? Ugh. 
Declutter this house. If that doesnt feel better, leave the house and move to a new part of austin. If that doesnt feel better, leave austin. 
I need a job. 
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marvelingjules · 6 years
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I miss my long hair. So I’m working at growing it out which is a pain in the neck because it takes for-freaking-ever to get back to that length. And my ends go dead, which means I have to trim them but that costs money and also makes it a bit shorter again so I feel like it takes even longer and ugh.
But I saw an old picture with my longer hair and was like “Oh, yeah, that was a cute look for me. I want it back now.”
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There’s me. With my long hair (and an Iron Man Plus stuck into my cleavage don’t mind that). This picture is from like... oh my god like four years ago.
And then, probably about a year or so after this - so my hair was possibly a bit longer even - I chopped it off all the way to about here.
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And I really liked that cut. Still do, actually. This pic almost makes me wanna go “Ah, forget the long hair, chop it nice and short again!”
But damn it, I’m like... almost halfway there? (I look like an exhausted fucking mess, I blame this summer camp nonsense I’ve been through the past 6+ weeks.)
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I’ve been working on growing it out for a year now from... just a smidge longer than the length in the previous pic, my haircuts since 2015 have all been back to about that length, maybe a tiny bit longer, but yeah. Good progress in a year and all, but...
So like, at this point I’m not sure if the growing it out thing is because I really want it long again or out of spite of making it happen (I mean, I DO but also it may be spite motivating me mostly now).
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skamfairy · 7 years
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Isak and Even hair drabble | what even is this tho?
I miss Isak, I miss Even...I wonder what they are doing right now...
I imagine that they are being goofy as always, showing their affection by arguing about something silly like 
OMG like Isak deciding that he wants to get a flipping haircut! And Even is just like NO !!!!! FUCKING !!! WAY !!!! BOI. He is literally so offended and I mean this actually turns super serious. Isak kinda just said it one day like “Ugh my hair is getting so long, and it’s so curly and so annoying and I just want to chop it all off” and Even’s all like “lol don’t do that baby, you would not pull of bald. You’d look like a cute baby egg” and then he just kisses his golden curls and Isak playfully slaps him away while grinning “Shut up! I would not, I’d look like a fucking king” 
Even just laughs and is like “sure baby” 
but then of course eventually it gets serious??? like Isak brings it up again one day, like Even mentions a film he wants to go see and Isak is like “Oh let me know the time it’s on because I was thinking of getting my hair cut on Sunday” and Even just like freezes and is all “EXCUSE ME? wot da fuq” and Isak looks up at him and is like “yeah i mean i’m just gonna get it cut a little shorter so it’s not as curly and annoying.” Even’s hand (which was stroking all of Isak’s ‘annoying’ curls) has just stopped in his hair and he is just Not. Chill. At. All. he looks at Isak with his mouth all open and pouty “You are not cutting your hair.” he declares meeting Isaks eyes. 
Isak laughs “what??” he shouts amused and surprised at the passion inside his boys voice over his damn hair. Even just tilts his face down and gives Isak his “I am not kidding babe your not going there, fight me boo” look. 
and Isak just laughs before shouting “oh my gosh your being ridiculous! It’s just hair It doesn’t even matter EVEEEEEN!” 
so then Even just thinks oh you want to fucking start this before smiling and nodding. Isak nods with pride thinking he’s won this fight befooooore Even says 
“You know what? You’re right, summer is coming up and it just gets so hot, I think i’ll go and get my hair cut with you.” 
OH DEAR LORD 
NO 
Isak looks back up at him in horror “NEI!” he practically screams before he could rethink it. 
Even’s eyebrows shoot up smugly “what? no? But baby it’s just hair right?” 
Isak rolls his eyes and crosses his arms in defeat “Fine...fine no fucking hair cut. I hate you.” 
Even rolls over and pulls grumpy Isak closer to him, holding him against his chest. “You love me...” He runs his hand through Isak’s prince hair and kisses it before whispering in his ear “and I love your hair.” 
Isak smiles to himself and blushes. He would never tell Even but after hearing those words from the man of his life, Isak has never looked after his precious curls more.  
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minniekirra · 7 years
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That’s My Girl
This is first attempt at fan fiction so I’m sorry in advance. I’m also sorry for how evil Finn seems in this, I don’t hate him that much I swear. 
The premise is the delinquents at college! And beating up Finn for being a horrible person. And Bellarke cuddling.
The bus pulled up to my university and my stomach swirled into one big knot. I hopped off, grabbed my bags, and headed into my second year at Vermont University. The sweet warm air did nothing to dissipate the anxiety rumbling through my chest. I knew I would see him as soon as I met up with the rest of my friends.
He said he still wanted to be friends. I’d never heard a lie so blatant as that. He was, in fact, the first thing I saw when I stepped into the room. The rush of sweet air blowing in from the window, through Octavia’s room, and out the door ruffled his hair. I stepped blindly over to give Octavia a tight squeeze.
“Clarke! I missed you!” She cried.
I smiled brightly. “I missed you too, Octavia.” I looped around the room hugging my friends who I hadn’t seen in three months. Jasper, Monty, Harper, and Raven. I stopped by Raven’s side and inclined my head. “Hey, Finn.” I said to the rustling brown hair. He just inclined his head and looked away.
A sudden burst of anger welled in my chest. Like he couldn’t even talk to me? At my side Raven tapped on my clenched fist then wound her fingers through mine.
“Yeah, he’s a dick,” she said. “And don’t forget I’ve know it longer than you.” She grinned and before I knew it a hiccup of laughter escaped my mouth. Finn be damned, he wasn’t going to get in the way of my year!
“Thanks Raven.” Raven and Finn had been together in high school but had broken up before coming to college. She would know all about that.
We fell into easy conversation with our friends. Teasing Jasper and Monty about their summer spent at a winery and their new haircuts, and asking Harper how she liked hiking the Appalachian Trail with Octavia.
“I swear it was like hiking with both Octavia and Bellamy!” Harper said with smiling exasperation. “Whenever we could get signal Octavia just had to call to check in with Bellamy and then I would hear about everything he did - several times over - until they talked again. Then I would hear all new things about Bellamy - several times over!”
“Oh, boo. You know it wasn’t that bad.” Octavia said without heat. “Especially when he drove up to deliver some chocolate we were both craving!” Laughter bounded off the walls and out the window. Of course Octavia and Bellamy would have a hard time being apart. They had spent their entire childhood practically attached at the hip and even now attended the same university.
“Where is Bellamy?” I asked. “Shouldn’t he be hovering by now?”
Octavia snorted. Then stopped in her tracks with a brightness glowing in her eyes. “Bellamy!” The call reverberated around the room. “Bellamy!” “Bellamy!” “Bellamy!” “Bellamy!” “Bellamy!” “Bellamy!” A pause, then we all chorused “Bellamy!”
He just chuckled and said, “Well I guess I was expected.” And made the round of hugs. When he reached me, I hugged him tight and made the surprising discovery that his arms had gotten stronger over the summer.
I told him so with a glint in my eye. He just shook his inky head and punched me in the shoulder. He moved over to hug Raven who raised a brow at me over his broad shoulders. For some reason I felt a knot in my stomach. Not the angry, nervous, Finn type of knot, but a warm and rather disbelieving confused type of knot.
The moment passed and Bellamy moved on to fist bump Finn. For some reason those two had never been very close. Upon closer reflection it was probably because Finn was an asshole. If only I had seen it sooner.
We all settled into our comfortable chatter once again. Everyone jumped on Bellamy to learn how his summer had been. He had spent it lifeguarding at a local pool. Nothing glamorous, but it paid for some alcohol.
Pretty soon Octavia started yelling at everyone to get out because she couldn’t unpack her things with everyone sitting on the bed, chairs, and dresser. Jasper was even fooling around in the closet. Exasperated she yelled, “Get the hell out!” and pushed us all through the door. “Go take up space in someone else’s room!”
Everyone seemed to think that was a good idea. As we milled about in the hallway debating which room was closest, Jasper piped up. “Hey, Finn! Isn’t your room supposed to be the biggest one in the dorm with a spectacular view?”
Finn smirked. “Yup.” Both Raven and I rolled our eyes. I would rather drown in hot lava than go to Finn’s room to see his ‘spectacular view’ and hear everyone groan about how lucky he was. Fuck that.
So, while everyone filed after Finn, Raven and I hung back and turned off into our own room. Octavia was lucky enough to have her own room - as was stupid Finn - but Raven and I bunked together. It worked though. I kept my side clean and orderly. Raven kept her mess mostly on her side.
I shut the door and she threw herself on the pile of clothes blanketing her bed. Raven hadn’t put them away yet and it didn’t look like it would happen anytime in the near future. I sighed and flopped down on my own thick comforter.
“Why did I ever think it was a good idea to date someone in our friend group?” I asked forlornly.
Raven huffed a laugh. “Just be sure you don’t make the same mistake twice.”
“Ew. Bellamy is just, like, my best friend.” I whined.
Raven’s smile turned wicked. “But you knew who I was talking about.”
I groaned and put my hands over my face. “You’re the worst.”
“Why is Raven the worst?” Asked an intriguing deep voice. I rolled over and came face to face with Bellamy. This close I could see every single freckle.
I hardly missed a beat. “Raven wants me to take tequila shots with her tonight to celebrate the new year.”
He grinned, lifted my feet, sat beneath them, then placed them in his lap. “You might want those tequila shots is Finn is going to be around.” He quirked his eyebrows and another warm knot formed in my chest.
“Ugh, true enough.” I grumbled. “By the way, why aren’t you off admiring his room?”
Bellamy hummed. “Honestly, I always kind of thought he was a dick.” Raven and I snorted with laughter.
“Where were you three years ago?” Raven asked.
“I  tried to warn you, but nobody ever wants a man’s advice anymore.” Bellamy quipped.
“True,” I squirmed. “Men are only good for manual labour. Now massage my feet you pleb.” Surprisingly, he did as told.
He raised an eyebrow. “So, are you really going to be ok with Finn around all the time?”
I sighed. I didn’t think I would ever stop sighing. “I mean he’s a dick and a cheater, but I’m not going to crumble.” Both Raven and Bellamy looked dubious. “Oh fuck you both!” They grinned. Assholes.
That night I may not have crumbled, but I certainly didn’t want to be sober while we all jammed into Monty and Jasper’s common room. By the third tequila shot, I felt much better about pretty much everything. I made sure to stay close to Raven and Bellamy as we played beer pong though. I could see Finn’s hair rustling softly in the corner and sometimes I still couldn’t get it out of my head how much he had hurt me.
Eventually I had to break the seal and tripped lightly out to the hall and into the bathroom. Peeing never felt so good. On my way back to the room, I caught a flash of soft brown just as Finn stepped in my path.
“Excuse me,” I mumbled. Finn simply stepped closer and rested his hand on the wall beside my head, effectively boxing me in.
“Finn, I want to go play beer pong.”
“But not with me.” His brown eyes turned sad.
I sighed. “You cheated on me, Finn.” I held back from saying some other rather choice words as a hard pit of annoyance formed in my chest.
“But I still love you.” Somehow Finn had managed to lean even closer to me. Then Jasper and Monty’s door swung open and Bellamy tumbled out. He looked confused for a second and then his face turned livid when he saw that Finn had me pinned against the wall.
I turned back to Finn. “You’ve obviously moved on, you should let me do the same.” Finn’s face took on the look of a stubborn pony who won’t move no matter how many times you kick him.
“You’re probably already fucking Bellamy.” He growled. Before Bellamy could more down an assuredly more violent path, I knocked Finn’s arm away and shouldered past him. He grabbed my arm with bruising strength as I tried to breeze away. My patience as well as my good judgement being truly and completely exhausted, I half turned into Finn and placed my knee squarely into his balls.
Finn fell over with no small grunt of pain. He started rolling from side to side as I walked over to Bellamy. His freckles were stretched with the widest grin I had ever seen. “That’s my girl.”
I smiled and lazily punched him in the arm. “I’m nobody’s girl.”  We left Finn on the floor and sauntered back into the room. I should have done that sooner.
When Raven caught sight of me around the side of a very attractive and tall engineering major she screamed, “another tequila shot!”
I laughed. I could definitely use more than one. Bellamy put his arm on my back and guided me over to Raven. “Here we go.” He said softly into my ear, rustling my hair. I grinned at him, feeling a flush reach the tips of my ears.
The tequila went down like fire and the rest of the night passed in a happy haze. Soon Raven left with the cute engineer. Jasper tried some cheesy pick up lines on Octavia until her boyfriend put a heavily muscled and tattooed arm between them. Finn talked to a tall brunette in a corner. Somewhere in there Bellamy and I were separated. About the time Jasper and Monty started to sing Taylor Swift at the top of their lungs, I decided it was time for me to go home.
Immediately after I unlocked and stumbled into my dark room, I heard moans and a sharp “get out, Clarke!” from Raven.
My drunken feet had never moved faster. Great. My first night back and I didn’t even have a place to sleep for the night. I could try Octavia’s room, but the situation would probably be the same. Harper and Monty had looked like they were getting pretty chummy too. Great.
I sighed and stumbled down the hallway then up the stairs until I stood in front of Bellamy’s door. I hoped he wasn’t similarly occupied as the warm knot in my stomach made its presence known once again. I knocked and was rewarded by the door opening almost immediately. An upbeat “Clarke!” accompanied a gleaming smile greeted me.
He was obviously still drunk. I surprised myself by practically jumping into his arms and nuzzling his chest.
“I missed you,” I slurred. “Please don’t kick me out. Raven’s in our room with the engineer and I have nowhere to go.”
“Aw, it’s ok Clarke.” He comforted, patting my head. I wanted to stay in his arms a little longer, but I stepped back and glanced around. His bed was rumpled with a worn paperback on top of it. Scoffing I said, “Seriously, Bellamy? You’re reading while you’re drunk?” Then fondly, “You nerd.”
He didn’t even look embarrassed. “Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.”
Bellamy made me smile. “OK.” We settled down to talk for a bit, but soon enough we both were yawning.
“Bellamy,” I whined. “I’m so uncomfortable. Can I borrow some pajamas?”
“You’re so needy.” He teased. Nevertheless, he moved to his dresser and pulled out a worn shirt, many sizes too big for me, and a loose pair of shorts. I ditched my tight clothes and the shorts then hopped into his bed.
“Hey! That’s my bed!” He cried, indignant.
“Oh, come on,” I cajoled then patted the sheets. “There’s room for two.” It was only when he lay down next to that I realized there was not, in fact, enough room for two.
Drunk me decided she should make the best out of it and snuggled into Bellamy’s side. He stiffened. Then relaxed and put an arm around my waist.
“I still can’t believe you kicked Finn in the balls.” He chuckled.
I grumbled. “Well he deserved it.”
“Never said he didn’t. Especially after what he said and did to you.” Bellamy’s large hand stroked my arm where Finn had left a mottled purple bruise. The skin underneath his fingers prickled. But that was just because I was a little cold. I squirmed even closer to his warm side.
Bellamy hummed. “You know, I came out there looking for you.” He paused.
“Why?” I prompted.
“I was worried when I saw Finn go out after you. I can’t believe what he said to you.”
“Yeah, well after he cheated I can almost believe anything of him. I honestly just want him to go away.” I tried very hard not to think about what Finn had said of Bellamy and me.
“Well he’s not here now.” Bellamy said. This line of conversation was not helping my resolution to not think about Finn’s unfair claim.
I decided to laugh instead. “Yeah, no room.” As I felt the vibrations of Bellamy’s chuckle in my bones, I realized that my chest was flush against his. My ears heated. But I had no intention of moving.
Bellamy’s neck was a little flushed under his freckles. I moved my head up on his shoulder to get a better view of the entrancing patterns.
“Mmmmm,” I hummed. “You smell like flannel, wood, and something sweet.” I trailed my fingertips along his neck, making the flush more prominent.
Bellamy huffed another laugh, but tightened his grip on my waist and buried his nose in my hair. “Goodnight, Clarke.” His voice was a little strained.
“Goodnight, Bellamy.” I drifted off to sleep with a faint smile on my lips and a comforted, if not racing, heart.
I woke before him and snuck back to my own room. However, not before I folded up the borrowed pajamas and left a hastily scrawled note on top of them.
Thanks for sharing your bed, bestie. See you at brunch! :)
When I cautiously opened my door, Raven was at her desk clacking away at her laptop. “So, I see I wasn’t the only one to share a bed last night.” She said by way of greeting.
“Oh, please. It’s hardly my fault. It’s not like I could sleep in my own!” I smiled. “How was your engineering major by the way?”
Raven smirked. “Quite good. I think he might be back for a visit sometime soon.”
“Ew, gross!” I squealed. I was glad Raven seemed to like him though. I knew it had taken her a long time to get over Finn. Then I sighed, remembering last night.
“What?” Raven asked not ungently.
I put a hand to my forehead. “I might have kneed Finn in the balls last night.” Raven laughed long and hard, but I couldn’t. We were supposed to stay friends.
“Oh, don’t look so guilty. I’m sure he deserved it.” She paused. “What did he do to deserve it by the way? Not that he didn’t deserve it to begin with, but with you, there would have been a more pressing reason.”
My face turned red with anger. “Well, first, he said he still loved me, then he said that Bellamy and I were probably fucking.” Raven spouted even more laughter than the first time while I glared.
She took a break from laughing to ask, “Well did you? Fuck him that is?” My face turned an even brighter shade of red.
“No!”
“Who did you sleep with Clarke?”
“I didn’t sleep with anyone!” Raven just waited. “Ugh, fine! I slept in his bed with him but nothing happened!” Raven positively cackled.
“Whatever,” she said. “Stay in denial if you want.” Then, more earnestly, “But would you consider Bellamy, Clarke?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” I smiled as the warm knot settled in my chest.
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violetbeachpod · 6 years
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transcript: 11 - honeymoon phase
listen here
ROBIN:
Hey, everybody, uh. Robin here. Back at it again! Woo!
So. Personal updates. I got married. You were there, it was great, I have a wife now, it’s cool, it’s good. Uh. The cat is okay! He hurt his leg but he’s got a little cast, which is—very cute. It’s very cute and good and I want all of you to acknowledge that. I was away for a little bit, we went up to my dads’ place in Maine for the honeymoon, for, uh, isolation and distance from the weirder stuff in life, and what have you, so I haven’t actually listened to any of you folks’ tapes, except for, uh, Mae’s and Teresa’s? Sorry. Probably should’ve, uh. Done that. But I’m trying to maintain this good mood, and, uh, don’t wanna bum myself out. Not that you guys bum me out—you are. So wonderful. I care about you, I worry about you, but, uh. This whole—thing is scary as hell. Were that not clear.
But, I mean, I have updates. I don’t want to share them, because if my recollection is right, this is usually about when the happy lesbian starts dying, and, uh—that’s because of, like media traditions from the olden times, but, look, I don’t want to risk anything.  I’m sharing because I feel obligated to. So. Hi. It’s me.
This is our calm before the storm, I think. Which shouldn’t feel as comforting as it does--it is the security of a basement right before a hurricane. Before, see, because your basement doesn’t feel safe during the storm itself. It feels like you’re gonna die, you’re gonna die, you’re gonna die and flood and--
But beforehand, you’re going over every single disaster movie you’ve ever seen, every safety PSA from when you were a kid, and you feel secure. And there’s something to be said about the contrast of comfort and fear; that even the slightest illusion of comfort is bliss in comparison to terror.
But, look. Listen. Metaphors and similes aside, something is about to happen. We all know this. We’re seeing a dip down in Weird Shit T-M, but we’re on edge for a reason.
And I know this, because I got a message yesterday. An email. Not from—none of you would pull this, basically. I got an email, and the address was—blurred out. Like, I hovered and everything, and I just—couldn’t read it.
And it just said, uh. It literally said SOMETHING’S COMING, in all caps. I don’t know why it got sent to me, or anything, but, uh. That sort of proves that something is coming, right? Because, uh, it’s right there. All caps, bolded, italicized, underlined. Not struck through, so, bam, that—
Also, the text is in red, and there’s one of those email platform exclusive emojis of a sun wearing sunglasses. So. Summer? Is when things are coming? Maybe? Who’s to say.
It’s, what, April—twenty-second? Yeah. That’s today. April twenty-second, one-oh-seven PM. So. Summer starts on June twenty-something-th. The twenty-first? Or. Second. Whichever. So I think, like, that’s when it’s gonna hit the fan. Solstices, and all. They’re important. Symbolically, temporally, and hey, if we’re not judging things symbolically and temporally first, what have we been doing in these last five months?
Do people still say that? Shit hits the fan? I haven’t heard it in years, but, uh, I’m not really good at paying attention to that sort of thing. Which is bad, considering, but.
You know.
Here’s what I know.
Something’s coming. We don’t know when, but we have guesses. I’m—I’m.
I’m not sure what to think. I’m not—afraid, but I’m definitely not comforted, either. Maybe anxious is the best word, but it still feels off.
Concerned? No, too emotional.
But something’s coming, and it’s not gonna be good.
Also, the email’s subject was “Just Checking In!!!!!!!!!!!?” with, like, twelve exclamation points and then a question mark. So that’s why I clicked. I don’t think it’s spam.
Uh. Ran into an old friend the other day! Well. Middle school bully turned high school acquaintance. Johnny Parsons? He goes by Jack now, because he started to think that the Johnny Carson thing was annoying. Which it was. But. Whatever. I don’t know why I’m calling him a friend. He was kind of terrible to me, and, like, he stopped but never made the time to apologize, so. Whatever. We weren’t close, during high school, but he was slightly more decent.
But I ran into him the other day. He, uh, said he saw wedding photos online, and, uh, that he was happy for me. But something about his eyes were off. That’s why I mention this encounter with standard Straight White Dude number four-hundred and twenty—that wasn’t intended to—whatever, but—like, you know the type. When I ran into him, this man, who was wearing the whole salmon-shorts-blue-button-up-boat-shoes number, which I didn’t even know had found its way into this town, but he—halfway through our greetings, he just—
Left. He was gone. Like, his body was still there, but it’s like when we found Teresa. Like—
So, he was different, for a moment. Eyes all dilated, glassy. And then, he was back. Pupils back to normal in a flash—like, a literal flash. And the conversation continued, like it was nothing. He didn’t say anything of it, so I didn’t comment. Don’t want to drag in that dude to our weird mystery adventures.
It wasn’t zoning out, before you ask. It was—Look, I know zoning out. It’s—basically what I do, lately. He was totally focused, which was—weird, for him. We had, like, one bonding moment, in high school, and it was when we both just completely blanked on all of the instructions at our ACT prep class and we were assigned to be partners.
But he was focused, and then a flash, and he was out, and then another, and he was back in it.
Weird, right?
That’s the ending to everything any of us say to each other, now. Weird, right, weird, right, weird, right. Ugh! I’m so sick of it, it’s so overplayed. None of us even like overplayed. We all try and push ourselves away from overplayed. Hating cliche is the glue that holds this group together.
Like, we’re gonna argue about what’s weird. Like, okay, so, whatever, everything’s weird. Everything that has happened to us in the past four months is weird! It’s beyond weird, and I am so sick of using that adjective!
We need a better word! I am so sick of just using the word weird and expecting it to be effective.
Semantics are weird.
Right?
That was—I’m kinda proud of that joke. I liked it a lot. I came up with it on the spot, and—It’s genuinely fun. I think.
Here are some suggestions for better words than weird. I’m pullin’ up the old thesaurus in my brain that I used to write bad poetry in high school—I’ve become a bit more Hemingway-esque, since then, but, like, in the brevity way, rather than the sexism thing. But. Here is a list of words that are better than weird. I hope that, for future reference, we can stick to them:
Bizarre. Far-out. Bizarr-o. Freaky. Eerie. Fun and funky. Fresh garbage. As if from a dream. Supernatural. Off color. Eccentric. Offbeat. Outlandish.
Wild and crazy? Out of this world.
Out of this world.
Can we bring that one back? I like it. And I think it suits the situation at hand.
Christ, what am I even doing? I sound like some terrible English teacher. Eugh.
Said is dead, weird is—feared?
Not quite. Let’s check out that rhyming dictionary—
[beat]
Okay, so it’s either feared or disappeared. Neither of which are too exciting, which is a bummer, I think. If there’s no opportunity for a fun rhyming phrase, there’s no need for anything to happen. And that’s just the facts, there. I am a writer. I have a MFA. I know these things. I know them.
Oh. Wow. Cool. Time stopped again.
Sorry, just gotta add that in, so you know Because, hey, it’s still one-oh-seven PM. Love that. That one hasn’t happened in a little bit, for me. Dunno about y’all—again, I have not listened to your tapes, and again, I am genuinely sorry for that. I will when the world is, like, a little less terrible and overwhelming, and also, when I’m not receiving emails from alternative-universe-folks.
Unless you guys are receiving those emails too, and I’m missing that by not listening. I think that stuff goes into the group chat. I didn’t put it in there, though, so, uh. Who’s to say? Not me, certainly. Never me. I don’t know, uh. Anything. Ever. At all.
That’s the nature of humanity, or something like that. Was it Tolstoy who said that? Or Plato?
Ugh. I’ll google it later. It’s just--
Here’s what I know about the nature of humanity, which is just about as much as anybody else.
It’s good. I genuinely believe that. If it wasn’t good, inherently, I don’t know what I’d do with myself. I think I’d rot, wilt, shrivel up.
And I’m usually close to wilting, anyway. That heavy weight in my chest makes me feel like wilting.
[music kicks up--a simple beat, synths, drums, piano. at the end of the world, says a muffled vocalist, it’s just you and me. you and me.]
I gave Teresa a haircut last night at three A.M. She knocked on our door and told us that she needed it that moment. Elaine offered, but then I mentioned her junior year high school roommate, whose hair she dyed, and she shut up right there.
We listened to shitty lo-fi hip-hop and it felt right, somehow, that moment. I’ve been--
I’ve been so close to wilting, but in that moment, three-forty-seven A.M., my friend and my wife and her bad music and our cat and a pair of clippers--
In that moment, I think I grew. Not in a--huge, development sense. I didn’t change. I just felt good, y’know? I felt like, for once, the world was okay.
And the weight was gone.
My point is--
My point is that, we have to be good, in spite of the--my brain is saying weird, and I’m refusing it. To each other. I’m not saying we have to, like, elf-on-the-shelf it. That’s weird. We have to be kind--and not just to each other. To these new people too. To salmon-shorts Jack’s alternate universe self. To Mae. To--to everybody that’s new. This is terrifying for them. We have to--
We have to be kind, we have to make sure that they don’t shrivel up. Because there’s nothing worse than that.
I’m so afraid of shrivelling up.
So, so afraid of it.
Elaine helps. The cat helps. You guys--you all help. I think everybody needs that. I think all of you need that.
If we love each other, and we love everything that we can bring ourselves to love, I think we can overpower the weird--fuck!
Time is moving again. Sometimes, and here’s my theory, just my good ol’ idea: to get time moving again, you have to wax poetic for eight hours, cuz then time gets bored and wants to make that clear to you. If you are pretentious enough about love and life and all of the other big meaningful things that are out there, you can literally control time?
How metal is that?
Do teens still say metal? I am so, so tragically unhip. I hope they do. I like that as a descriptor. I don’t think it’s a good replacement for weird, but I think that we should use it more often.
Okay, okay, so, signing off--yeah, yeah, signing off. Gotta do that. We all do that. I just waxed poetic! I could have used that for signing off, but no. Ugh.
Here’s what comes next:
[static]
[confused]
Here’s what comes next:
[static]
[insistent]
Here’s what comes next.
We need to--
[and the static picks up: long, resonant]
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shitlessful · 6 years
Text
@ 3:12 pm
Are you an official couple with the last person you kissed? Nope, in fact we are broken up
Looking back, did you ever think you would be where you are now? Definitely not. I thought I would be at a much happier place and achieved much bigger things at this point in life.
Do you like someone? Some feelings are still lingering
Is a best friend pissing you off right now? Nope, she never does
Are you happier now or three months ago? Honestly lol. This past 3 months in general have been pretty shitty. I hope things get better from here on out
What’s the greatest thing that happened to you today? Being able to sleep in a little.. lately that has been quite difficult
How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? By 30? I hope it’ll fall in the range of 27-30 aha
Are you waiting for something? Yes. Waiting for myself to recover
If you could change your eye color would you? Ooooh, light brown hazel eyes
What was the weather like today? Clear sky and sunny
Do you think you’ll be married in ten years? I hope to be
Does your ex still love/like you? Lmao no. If he did, he wouldn’t have treated me like shit
Are you stubborn? Oh yeah, extremely
Do you tend to hold a grudge? I don’t really want to, but sometimes I can’t help
Where were you at 9am this morning? In bed
How has the week been? Pretty normal..
Did you go out or stay in last night? Stayed in after work
Something you do a lot? Chase my own thoughts in my head a lot
How many states have you lived in? Just one
Can you commit to one person? Yes. I’ve learned that I’m a really damn loyal person, even when that person wasn’t worth it
Who was the last person to hold your hand? Can’t recall
How many chances do you tend to give people before enough is enough? Ugh, there isn’t an exact number. But I always give out more than enough, and it’s so very sad
Do you think you and your best friend will be friends in 10 years? For sure. Closer than ever
What do you miss most about your ex? How nice he was
Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you? Uhm, I can’t distinguish between attraction and comfort w/ him..
What’s a fact about the last person you kissed? He’s a cheater
Something you really want right now? To be at a good place: physically, mentally, and emotionally.
How long have you liked the person you like? I don’t wanna say that I like anyone right now. Just a whole lot of hatred
Does any part of your body hurt right now? My arms when I stretch it, good hurting tho bc I worked it out the other day
Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? No, we were in a dark room
Can you recall the last time you liked someone? Yeah I can. I remember innocently liking him before things got messy
Are you happy with the way things are going? I’m neutral about it. If I could choose, I wouldn’t want all this to be going on right now. But honestly, this will all be worth it one day
Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? Aha I doubt it. I want to focus on myself for a good while
What plans do you have for tomorrow? Just work
Has a friendship ended recently that you wish hadn’t? All my fake roommates, when we broke up- I sadly lost my relationship w/ everyone at that house also
Ever given your ALL to someone who walked away? Man, the amount of emotions I feel reading this question. I gave out way much more than I should’ve, to someone who walked all over my feelings multiple of times
Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? Aha my cuz Ty, he kissed me on the forehead & cheeks. Does that count?
Do you and your last ex hate each other? I hate him rn yes. I do hope that one day I can free myself and not give a care anymore
When was the last time you were sick? Don’t remember, I never get sick
Are you one of those people who are always cold? My hands are always cold during the winter
Do you tend to waste a lot of money? Kind of, I wish I was better at saving
Have you ever regretted kissing someone? No. The two were my bf at one point, so there’s no regrets at all
When was the last time you got a haircut? I think in June?
Did you sing at all today? To the radio yeah
Would you rather be able to control the weather or control traffic? Control over the weather! I’d make it cold and gloomy all the time
Do you own any articles of clothing with skulls on it? I don’t
Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? I think it’s the same for both
If you won a trip to a nude beach would you go or give the trip away? LOL. I would go for the experience cause why not
In your opinion which is the stronger emotion: love or hate? Love
Tongue piercings - cute or trashy? I gots one, I think it’s cute w/ a hint of wild
When it comes to jeans: skinny, flared or boot cut? Skinny
Would you rather be a star ballerina or a star break dancer? Star break dancer
Honestly - can you say that looks don’t matter at ALL? Honestly, no. Physically looks actually play a role
When it comes to Baseball would you rather be on the field or in the stands? Neither, not really into baseball
I’ve got to know, who do you prefer: Mario or Luigi? Mario
Have you ever changed clothes in a public area (not a dressing room)? Yeah, at Coachella
How many months apart is your birthday from your best friends? Just 6 days
Yes or no: Techno music? No
Yes or no: pigtails? Yes
They say diamonds are a girls best friend; what do you say? Diamonds are nice. But there other things I wish to have in life
Has anybody ever told somebody one of your secrets? Probs
Have you ever kissed anybody who had a mustache? Yeah.. he was lazy and never really likes to shave
If you were famous do you think you could handle the popularity? I don’t think it would be easy, but one can do anything if they put their mind to it
Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a letter P? Nope
Did you talk to one of your best friends today? What did you talk about? Not yet
Do you get on better with funny or serious people? Funny people
Do you have mood swings around the time of the month? Never, thank goodness for that
Have your friends met the last person you kissed? Yeah
How old is your oldest cousin? I think like in the 40′s
What if you saw your best friend holding hands with your ex? That would never happen
Your last relationship, who dumped who? I’m unsure. We both gave up together
How old were you when you had your first boyfriend/girlfriend? 17
Is your home town nice? It’s humid af, but it could be nice
What if you got stuck in a lift with the last person who Facebook messaged you? I forgot who last messaged me
When/where did your last hug take place? A hug... lol I cannot remember
Do you consider yourself mature enough to make your own decisions? Yeah, I think my I’m mature enough
Have your parents ever told you about their love lives, and any previous relationships they had before they met? No.. I wish mom was more into that stuff. The talking stories and being my friend type of mom
You get a text from someone saying that they want to hang out - who would you most like it to be from? Myra or Abelhoe
Do you and your friends have any inside jokes? “It don’t matta” & “It’s summer!” w/ Julieanne and Myra
Do you think someone has feelings for you? Are these feelings returned? No, and no
What if the last person you texted were to ask you out? Ahaha but he’s my cousin
Do you believe in love at first sight? Explain. I believe in it.. but I think the chance of it happening is extremely low. How could you love someone before knowing who they really are?
Would you prefer to be somewhere else right now? If so, where? And why would you prefer to be there? I’m at a coffee shop, it’s pretty peaceful so I’m alright
When you listen to music, do you ever find that the songs affect your moods and change how you feel? Definitely, more than I wish they could affect me sometimes
Can you remember what you dreamt about last night? I think sex while I’m on my period or something aha
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