#uahshshdjdjdjffjfjjgjg

[seilon]

yet another night spent looking at top surgery places that take my insurance knowing damn well im trapped in this hell indefinitely just as I have been for like seven fucking years and there’s nothing I can do about it because it’s all in my mother’s hands despite the fact that I am turning 21 this year

#kibumblabs #I’m going to seriously fucking kill myself if this doesn’t end it’s been too fucking long and I’m so tired I’m so fucking tired #I was hopeful about T too and I was so fucking close I have the care plan and everything but I can’t go through with it unless it’s okayed #by her which it never fucking will be like I can’t believe this is still happening like I’m a minor who needs consent when I am twenty #with an extensive documented history of dysphoria I can’t fucking do this anymore but what choice do I have lol!!!!! #not to mention now is the perfect time to consult for top surgery because I won’t be in school again until spring so I’d actually have #recovery time if I could just fucking GET THE GOD DAMN SURGERY #uahshshdjdjdjffjfjjgjg #that ones even more concrete than T like you can’t fucking gaslight me on that cause it’s not all in my head #I mean neither is my reasoning for wanting T but top surgery’s to another extent #I’ve worn binders for literally years. I used to bind with ace bandages knowing they were horrible but too fucking desperate to care #that’s…. I just……how can you legitimately say to me that I don’t know what I want or that I don’t actually have an identity? #honestly how fucking dare you. legitimately from the bottom of my heart #I just constantly think to myself more and more I can’t take it anymore I can’t stand it I can’t do it anymore but I’m still sitting here #taking it. cause what the fuck else do I do. I mean obviously there’s only one way out of it but I’m not.. god #it just feels like mockery becuase it’s all extremely accessible to me I have everything I need to do both of these things and EASILY. she’s #the only thing in my way. literally the only thing right now that’s in my way. this an invisible wall fully made up of my own necessary #respect in order to keep living in my god damn house with my god damn insurance #well it’s almost 5:30am and im going to get a headache from crying who knows if I’ll be able to sleep with ythe sun coming up. doubtful #god I haven’t had the urge to cut in years and I won’t because it’s summer and I can’t get away with it w a jacket but boy!