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tomatoland · 7 months

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This week’s unsolicited take is about the Madonna-Whore Complex and the Internalized Patriarchal lens being applied to Only Friends, a LGBT show.

So the Madonna–Whore complex is a concept that was first introduced by Freud. It represents the dichotomy that there exists Madonnas that have to be either pure and 'virginal' or Whores who are sexual and forthcoming. The two categories are mutually exclusive; a person can never be both. So Madonnas cannot be sexual and Whores cannot be in relationships aka the idea that "you can't make a wife out a ho."

“It's inherently misogynistic in nature and remains prevalent among men towards women, but the Madonna-Mistress complex can be applied across all genders. And while we generally as a society have made great strides in being able to appreciate (wo)men for their multifacetedness, the Madonna-Whore complex can still show up (thanks to years of misogynistic messaging) in people's ways of thinking.” And it’s showing up here in the audience's approach to Only Friends.

Mew is introduced and he gets slotted into the Madonna archetype because we immediately find out that he is a virgin who has never had a boyfriend.

Top & Boston are introduced to us as being sexually active with a history of one-night-stands/short-term entanglements, so they get placed in the Whore archetype camp.

Mew is the Madonna in this analogy and Madonnas cannot express sexual desire, so therefore Mew having sexual knowledge or being flirtatious makes him seem untrustworthy. So many people questioned Mew having sexual knowledge that Jojo and Den had to come onto Twitter to address it. Mew telling Top "no penetration" means he considers everything but penetration to mean he stills considers himself a virgin. But that's a technical virgin, right? So that is suspicious./s

And when he begins to express sexuality, well he's a hypocrite because he thought he was better than everyone for being a virgin. I don’t recall him being ordained as a monk, but I’ll check./s What he actually said was to leave his virginity alone and that he just had never met someone who he had the right chemistry with to have a boyfriend. And actually, he whispers that he is a virgin to Top after he realizes he can’t go through with casual sex. And he whispers it because adult virgins are stigmatized, so are people who don’t drink btw. And as someone who was an actual adult virgin “the everything but” conversation is a legit conversation that takes place.

"A person's sexuality is a sliding scale throughout their life and that the way we express our desires for sexual pleasure publicly and personally can change over time."

Boston has and is still behaving true to type, so as an audience we understand him. He is predictable, he presents to us as we expect.

But Top does not. He is offered sex by Boston, but he wants Mew to be his boyfriend. As a TV trope, Whore archetypes are rarely given a chance to change. So to the audience, it is unfathomable that Top, a Whore archetype, could want to be in a real relationship with Mew, he must just be in it for the sex or he must only want Mew because Mew is a virgin. But hyperfixation on virginity and purity is a wildly heterosexual misogynistic idea that stems from the MWC.

So what if, contrary to what you’ve seen in media or the patriarchal society you’ve been raised in, Top and Mew are more complex than their initially presented archetypes? Food for thought.

“The first and most important step is recognition of MWC in society and media, and from there, a shift in mindset.”

#only friends the series #ofts #topmew #top tanin #mew witsarut #forcebook #book kasidet #force jiratchapong #i’ll put my article sources in the comments later #ofts top #ofts mew

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henghost · 1 year

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another schizopost

I was, as the Against Me! song suggests, a teenage anarchist. I read Kropotkin, Le Guin, Bonanno, and several Twitter accounts of dubious quality. These culminated in a state of mind that saw Worm fanfiction as the ultimate revolutionary medium — an infantile disorder indeed. My attempt centered Circus, namely as a means to get away with a winking title: "Panem et Circenses" (although certainly concerns of gender nonconformism were involved as well), and for all its many flaws I believe it grazed lightly against some vast truth of canon, the anarchist core of the parahuman universe. (NB: I am no longer an anarchist. I have nothing against those who are, but let me offer by way of critique a summary of the latter half of my aforementioned fic: due to disorganization, agents provocateur, and a dearth of productive capacity, the state — i.e. the PRT/Cauldron — overwhelms the plucky libertarian Undersiders to a brutal, gory end.)

I introduce this concept of parahuman anarchism as a preface to the primary topic of today's schizopost, which is the nature of the "shard," the passenger, the Corona pollentia, etc. How are we meant to read this quirk of world worldbuilding if, as one ought, we understand the system of triggering-shard-power as metaphor? Are we meant to understand this conflict-causing organ as what Nietzsche would call the will to power, the irrepressible drive toward strength and creation. Or — and this interpretation seems more analytically lucrative considering the Freudian overtones of the text in general — shall we read it as Thanatos, the death-drive, the desire for destruction unto a ceasement of excitation. Indeed, much of the function of powers resembles the psychoanalytic model, especially, as I have alluded to in an earlier post, with regard to the repetition compulsion. This way, we can understand the Endbringers as a form of neurosis, some sublimated trauma unleashed upon the entire world.

However, as much as Worm's Freudianism presents an easy hermeneutical framework, I believe that to understand the full political weight of the text it is necessary to rely upon a concept formulated by French insurrectionary anarchist collective Tiqqun, that of the form-of-life. The form-of-life is (as best as I can understand it; these frogs arent known for concreteness, much less accessibility) that organism which rests beneath whatever predicates (= descriptors or qualities, e.g., mother, worker, socialist, individual, etc.) have been forced upon you. They experience friendship or enmity at the micro scale, community and a constant state of civil war at the macro. This is crucial: civil war is the natural state for the form-of-life — war is its free play.

This helps to explain the so-called cops and robbers dynamic that dominates much of the narrative. Tiqqun understands Empire (= the neoliberal state, for all intents and purposes) as an all-encompassing web of biopolitical tissue. There is no longer a society as such. In lieu of borders there is a customs checkpoint on every block, a Dragon drone beside every streetlamp, a panopticism that would have been unfathomable to the society of sovereignty. In the fissure between the form-of-life and the individual, the ego, there is a cop. (This citizen-cop has an outsize influence on Taylor, as can be seen in her turn toward the Wards, and in her humanistic moralizing more generally.) Empire (in our vocabulary, Cauldron) tolerates these violent crises because that is its wont. The gang war in Brockton Bay represents no threat to Empire/Cauldron because it has achieved utter immanence; there is nothing outside its purview. Panem et Circenses is more accurately rendered as Spectacle and Biopower. The only meaningful challenge to such a status quo comes in the form of Khepri. Tiqqun sees the workers’ strike as ineffectual — only a human strike will do, only the renunciation of the predicate, as in the feminist protests of the seventies: these women were no longer wives, no longer mothers, no longer women. In Khepri’s hivemind can be seen Tiqqun itself, which in Hebrew means rectification. (Remind me to talk more about shards in the context of Lurianic Kabbalah later on.) Khepri is nothing but her shard, Queen Administrator made manifest, and all her acolytes are in this similarly bare state, reduced to their forms-of-life. Khepri against Scion is civil war in its purest form, and only in this way is change possible.

#wormblr #worm web serial #henghost's schizoposts #anarchism #civil war #khepri

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crimeronan · 1 year

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as an Irish person reading trc/tdt what do you think of Maggies characterisation of the Lynch family??

oh i LOVE this question. anon so kindly giving me permission to infodump....

the short answer is: i love it?? i love it. i have varying quibbles about how niall's "redemption arc" is done and stuff like that, but purely on the irish side of things, i love it

further necessary context: i'm irish-american a few generations removed from ireland (who happens to have a hyperfixation on irish myth), my closest familial connections in the country are some distant cousins that my great-aunt traced recently. direct relations to her, but given that she is like 96, much less direct to me. so my perspective is very different from that of an irish person raised n living in ireland, & most of what i love most about the lynch family is directly related to diaspora and intergenerational trauma stuff

i said i was gonna infodump and then couldn't decide where to start. waow. okay so i've talked before about most of the worldbuilding in the dreamer trilogy being based in irish myth - ronan being from the otherworld (eldritch god, fairy, same thing), fintan mac bochra and the hawk of achill, not giving your true name/address to people at the fairy market, etc. these stories are woven through the whole fabric of the series

then the concept of irish storytelling itself is Also woven through the whole series, on both a meta and in-canon level

traditional irish storytellers will take a myth and make it their own, you can trace the origins of different tales back dozens or hundreds of years. the goal isn't to tell the story the way it's been told in generations past, but instead to tell it how You'd tell it. so there are these books repurposing irish myth in this unique way, but also these characters who are all so in love with storytelling in their own ways

you can see it in how niall and aurora tell their stories, how niall's always have a focus on action and tragedy and grisly death while aurora's are more focused on the love and the feelings and the soft fade-out of a tragic hero

you can see it in how declan has inherited niall's propensity for storytelling (the twitter confirmation of his middle name being "tadhg" still makes me Big Eyes Emoji) and also inherited niall's propensity for reckless idiocy, Geis Of Bullshit indeed.

then there's the way that declan and ronan both find themselves playing out different parts of niall's worst traits, how intergenerational trauma seems inescapable, how every damn person in the family is So Mentally Ill. this isn't necessarily the case for every irish-american family but it sure is for kitkat's. hoo boy we love giving chronic pain, psychosis, and inescapable depression to our offspring

that greywaren quote about "diaspora always idealizes the homeland" has stuck with me for a while because there's this kind of muted longing in the books' depiction of ireland itself, but also in the books' depiction of the barns, a place that niall and mór Made ronan's homeland. and more than that i see it in declan's views on his parents themselves, how he's able to reconcile with mór Because she's so distant and unfathomable and never personally fucked him up, so it's easier to forgive and forget everything she's done... how niall is dead and gone and can no longer change his behavior or grow or learn or fuck declan up any worse, so it's easier to accept his love as uncomplicated and good. child idealizing his distant homeland because that's what he's Supposed to have

truly don't know if that was the authorial intention but. it's the only way declan's arc makes any sense to me. that one line does a shitload of heavy lifting

and on a less theme-heavy note i love little details like. the brothers being so in touch with irish culture as second-gen immigrant kids, love that they play the uilleann pipes and attend the fleadh, love that ronan can do an irish accent on command, love that declan keeps photos of ireland in his bedroom but they still don't quite reflect his True Self like his attic does, love that mór is a gaelgeoir (irish speaker), there are other details i'm forgetting now

this post is ungodly long so i'll leave it here. these r my thoughts. it's good shit o/

#replies #trc #cdth #greywaren #greywaren spoilers #greywaren meta #cdth meta #kitkat learns gaeilge #<-only tangentially related but.

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urists · 3 months

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Have to say, the is/ought distinction has ended up being one of the more useful concepts I’ve come across. Especially because it means that if someone’s being a specific type of ridiculous, I have the mental framework to go “this person is discussing solely oughts on a practical topic, and therefore is providing me with a wonderful sign they only want to taken seriously by academics and/or the worst depths of twitter,” before promptly moving on with my afternoon. It’s really been an unfathomable improvement in my daily life

#there’s nothing inherently wrong with operating in the ought register to be clear #there’s just very much a time and a place for it

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gritsandbrits · 1 year

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To take your mind off of Twitter/the Sonic fandom being a complete dumpster fire, have a few questions regarding your unfathomably based Autobot Experiment!Blitzwing concept:

Was Blitzwing already a Decepticon prior to being experimented on with his hatred for the Autobots strengthening because of it, or did he join the Decepticons after his escape due to becoming disillusioned with the Autobots thanks to the cruelty he experienced at their servos?

Did Blitzwing sign up for the Triple Changer experiment not knowing what he was getting himself into, or did he want nothing to do with it but was forced to undergo the procedure regardless? If it’s the latter, was he kidnapped, handed over to the Autobot Ministry of Science by his superior(s), or some other third option?

Did the Triple Changer experiment take place before Project Omega, or were they both being worked on at around the same time?

I’m assuming that the other Decepticon Triple Changers from G1 are also Autobot experiments in Animated. If that's the case, did they manage to escape as well, or is Blitzwing the sole survivor/last of his kind?

Sorry if I’m being annoying, I just find the idea to be really cool and would love to know more about it.

You're not annoying anon! Tbh I have no idea how Blitzwing got into the experiments. SO I have a challenge for anyone who sees this post: come up with your own backstory! Personally I prefer to keep his origins ambiguous so there's no wrong answers. It's leaves a lot of room for creativity

#gb asks #transformers animated #tfa blitzwing

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astralartefact · 8 months

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Featuring the return of Nophica with a gun I did this thing on twitter, but I want to talk about it

(warning, I'm really mad about 6.3's Myths of the Realm segment in this so if you liked it maybe just skip Nophica lol)

Gaia (Krile would be in favorite Character, but Gaia would be higher than the next Scion so I did it this way around)

I just think Gaia is heavily underused... She's like the most interesting character we have in the entire game and she's stuck in Side Quest Purgatory where she will never leave - despite being the only person we know that actually shares this connection to the ancient world with us. And I know they're trying to "But she doesn't even care" her out of being relevant, but even just giving us a dialogue option askng her about Elpis and all of the stuff we learned about the ancients in EW (similar to the void stuff with Unukalhai) is extremely overdue in my opinion.

Krile Best Character. I have no notes, not even positive ones, I just vibe with her character the most. As pessimistic as I am about Myths of the Realm not ending in a trash fire, I do hope they at least give us some Krile action as some sort of pre-heating for her likely heavy involvement with Dawntrail.

Nophy (The off-brand Nophica we could have had before 6.3 ruined her) (hyperbolic) (unless) I just think "Mother Nature but she has a grudge" is such a fun concept and they decided to throw it all out by being like "But maybe everything you ever heard is wrong - but maybe it isn't we would never tell :)))" for some unfathomable reason, killing any amount of nuance the gods had to begin with to instead present us with bland paper cut-outs that say "We love you :)" when you touch them.

Like the only reason I can think of why they chose to not only not tell us anything about the individual gods but also actively push back against the stuff we did know from lore is that they were so scared that people would be mad about any controversial character intepretation and would then complain that you need to buy Fantasia to change your god - but like?? That's such a stupid reason?

Like "I love every living being equally... except for that stupid cow over there and I will get revenge for what she has done to me that one time a millenia ago" is just such a gold mine of character interactions that they just decided to abandon and ugh even just thinking about it makes me mad about 6.3 all over again.

Nanamo & Kan-E-Senna I couldn't decide lol Nanamo was one of the first characters I really cared for in this game, so I had to draw her. (I didn't really follow the story that much until like... Stormblood. Just did not interest me that much for some reason despite liking the rest of the game) I have really fond memories of doing the salt quests with her for some reason.

But I also love every time we run into Kane as part of the msq - and I also liked her EW role quest (I know people hate that one for some reason, but it makes perfect sense to be there? I think the only problem with it is that the model for that specific tree that it's centered around isn't particularly noteworthy and doesn't really get across just how important that tree is to the city - which is why it is in so many quests - especially since it's right in between gigantic world tree sized trees all around it and this one is just... a squart tree)

Also they should have left her hair ginger, I don't get why they changed it even if they have some lore reason for it

Raya-O-Senna Honestly, I think it's mostly that I like where she's placed in the overworld. It's just fun to jump over to her and that makes me like her more I guess (also helps that her brother is annoying, so she's immediately 5 times more likeable)

Also, after posting this on twt I immediately saw that someone had posted theirs with Fufucha from the botanist guild and felt so dumb for forgetting the gathering jobs, I would have chosen her too lol

Crym and Punishment Will not explain.

#ffxiv #gaia ffxiv #krile mayer baldesion #nophica #nanamo ul namo #kan e senna #raya o senna #yorha dark apocalypse

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yellowstonewolves-main · 9 months

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Reddit dies. No one remember that it existed.

…

When reddit dies it dies in pieces. First, the site itself, and it’s parasites (listicle sites, repost twitters, askreddit responses robovoiced over baking videos.) The associated discords last longer, the friendships incubated in those discords not much longer than that. Last to die are the references-poop knives, iranian yogurt, cbat thrusts.

Jessie Shoemaker makes the last reference to poop knives on her 101st birthday. Everyone looks at her a little too patiently, as if the strange phrase is a tumor growing on her face, unkind to acknowledge. The humiliation of the moment burns bright in her brain for minutes before the neurochemical tide washes in, smooths it into a stark nothing.

The bots die before the site does. The memorial post erected for them is called “Final Count”. It tallies up the exact extent to which each of them was good or bad. We don’t know whether to feel relieved or despondent that there is no human equivalent.

Most of the bots die then, anyway.

All but one.

This bot, funded by donations, follows the forum for which it was programmed onto other social media platforms. It survives, evolving. It outlives tiktok, twitter, youtube and even wikipedia.

Far into the future, its evolution presides over a sprawling justice system. In one case , it rules that the most approved verdict, from juror # 8,324, is “Everyone knows you don’t display Lightestcolor avi-skins at an obligationment. You’re the Asshole.”

The most approved sentence, the bot rules, is Oilination. The defendant, who has hopes and dreams and loved ones, has her skin boiled to the point of maximum pain. The skin is allowed to crust over and regrow, then boiled again. She endures this 12 times in 12 months. It’s livestreamed, and sponsored.

The bot is reprogrammed at the start of a kinder age, used to sort fresh fruit from spoiled.

Next age, it is reprogrammed again, into a drone that sorts civilians in combat zones according to the expected fallout from their murder from LMO (low media outrage) to CMO (catastrophic media outrage). It deals with them accordingly.

When the bot is demcommissioned, that‘s the final death of reddit.

Or, that's how it used to will be. That’s the original timeline.

Because 100 years later, a plucky time explorer will ride (used to will ride) a time machine which bypasses the Stable Loop Effect by utilizing an illegal quantumblender back to 2024.

Through random snowballing changes at the atomic level, this causes the migration path of a massive unfathomable being (more like a concept than a being, but human beings, being beings, have an easier time conceptualizing conceptual lifeforms as beings than as concepts) to intersect with the earth’s orbit.

Coincidentally, a millisecond after Reddit’s deletion, the not-exactly-being not-exactly-swallows-and-digests the earth. Puppies and baseball and humanity die.

None of these remembers or mourns for any other. No one is left to ask if that makes it more tragic or less so.

#microfiction #horror #flash fiction #meposting

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footprint-in-the-snow · 1 year

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we are all so fucking tiny and insignificant that i just wish i was actually religious so i would have something to believe in, a reason for being here. nothing i will ever do will matter, i cant stop the heat death of the universe and yet i get so caught up in myself when i dont need to be and then so de motivated because what am i, what is humanity? we log onto twitter or tumblr or instagram and get so wrapped up in something that critical thinking goes out the window and yet all it really is, the internet, it a lot of people peering into this comunal space and dipping in and out and yet its essentially nothing. it reminds me of a story regarding a person on a subreddit for drug uses that dissapeared. but did they? and well never know because the only interaction we had with them was through a thing that doesnt really exist. when i die my twitter followers wont know because its just a nothingness that i could choose to interact with or not. its unfathomable and yet it means so much. and maybe its being human and being innately pathetic. but at least if i could believe in a god or that i had a divine purpose it would mean something.

i feel that i have a borderline obsession of trying to understand things. if you take a human concept and remove humanity what does it mean. if you take the overarching idea of say transphobia and you take it back to the hatred of a group for something unchangeable it makes you think how do people believe in it, do they have any sort of critical thinking? who started it? and its such a big thing and yet it effects us now in the present and it effects individuals but when you put it into the perspective of the entire fucking universe it means nothing. and yet what am i supposed to do? care? yet despite how tiny the concept is i am going to care but i dont know why. if you take the idea of money, shops, anything and put it as it is it means fucking nothing and yet these concepts are so life defining and yet they came from nothing just like everything else.

and it also makes me think of how insane electricity is and technology is and even chemistry on a level of its so unnatural. we pick up our phones and what we see isnt real but everything else around us is. trees and bricks and shelves are real and then phones arent and i dont think anyone understands it or that anyone could.

#writing #thoughts #just thinkin #what does anything even mean #why are we here

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dzpenumbra · 2 years

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8/30/22

Today kinda just blew right by. I had a panic attack in a dream last night, it woke me up and everything. It was pretty silly. I was in a van with Jerry Seinfeld and Joe Rogan, Joe was filming me playing guitar in the back of the van. I wasn't playing very well. He was posting it on Twitter or something, with some comment about like "pullin out the deep cuts" or something. It was stupid, really, I haven't watched any Joe Rogan anything in years, same with Seinfeld. But the concept just pumped my system full of adrenaline enough to wake me up.

I guess it's the concept of having an unfathomable amount of eyes on me. It's been a VERY long time since anyone really gave a fuck what I'm doing creatively, so that's probably what it's about. Rogan/Seinfeld representing legendary status of fame. And having some noodling on acoustic guitar, improvising, not even good shit, shared with an audience of millions... The largest crowd I've ever played music in front of was probably like... 30 people? The largest I've streamed for was like... 100-something? Those are pretty big numbers for just like everyday shit. I did do a play in college in front of a half-full theater too... But those were all different times, a lifetime ago, really. An child's play compared to millions.

I think this dream was my way of sorta demonstrating that any creative exposure or growth would have to be a steady build for me, with lots of social practice in between to work my way up to it. A massive explosion of exposure for me - someone who hasn't seen a human face in over 2 weeks, regularly goes days without human contact at all outside of throwing comments into the void of Twitch chatrooms - that would cause a shock to the system that's hard to communicate. Take the stage-fright of the average person, then put them in extreme isolation for almost 5 years, then throw them on a stage with an audience of thousands. That's what joining NoPixel whitelist was like when I got in last winter and I couldn't even make a phone call in the goddamn video game I was so anxious.

So the dream was helping confirm this issue, a feedback loop I'm kinda stuck in. Everyone in my life has been "too busy" to make time for me. It started years ago, but escalated into conflict the second I brought up the topic directly. My brother who lives 5 minutes away would refuse to come over and visit, making a pile of excuses every time. My friends up north visited me 1 time in 10 years, while I used to drive up 1.5 hours each way every weekend to babysit their daughter. My friend in Florida refused to come hang out in my streams, even though he was also a streamer; he refused to retweet my tweets or recommend my stream to his gaming friends too. So, while I still had people in my life back then, every single one of them was a one-way relationship. The second I started asking for the support and... friendship... I needed, it went immediately into conflict. All of those bridges are burned now except for one.

When your social network is "too busy" to have room for you, you simply do not get social interaction. I found that where I used to regularly play League of Legends, Starcraft and Minecraft (MP) with friends, I started playing Diablo III, Minecraft (SP) and Rimworld. I shifted into single player games automatically due to social drought. It's very hard to get used to being completely alone, but once you do get used to it, it's also really hard to go back.

That's kinda the point I'm trying to get to, but my thoughts are very scattered and fragmented tonight. I learned that pretty early, when you're away from people for long enough (like 3 days alone in the woods) social interaction suddenly gets very overwhelming. Back at the beginning, it was simply "holy fuck, another person, let me tell you my life story!" But after I started to get a LOT of very negative responses to that, and subsequently developed PTSD responses around it... well, I think you can see where I'm going. The nervousness and sensory overwhelm become something amorphous and powerful, almost Lovecraftian; hard to define and conceptualize but intuitively something that represents a big threat. The higher the stakes of the interaction - a date, a job interview, a potential client, a potential new best friend - the more devastating the loss will be when I inevitably upset them. Somehow... I hate how I don't even know all the details of my trauma responses, it's kinda ridiculous, right? They even sound stupid to me now, but when I experience them in the moment they are SO damn convincing.

So... in some ways I'm more afraid of success than I am of failure. I'm afraid of people. I see what they do to each other, how they treat each other. It makes me very sad, very scared. But reading journals on here helps me feel grounded, so thank you all for posting these. It reminds me there are good, honest people out there and that the bad ones I'm seeing are just the most dramatic examples.

The weird part is, once I get acclimated to social interactions and feel like I'm understood and supported... the confidence comes flooding back. HA! Fuck it, I'll share what that reminded me of. So I was being a complete dork and watching a YouTube video on things cats love with my cat this morning over coffee. I was having coffee, she wasn't, just wanted to clarify that. The guy who did the video had this thing at the beginning where he was talking about "cat mojo". He defined "mojo" being "ultimate confidence". "Confidence that's born of knowing that I own territory, that I'm safe in my territory and that I can secure food in that territory." He said it makes them feel whole. And I can relate. When I'm completely alone for days, living under someone else's roof, that someone else pays for, who doesn't want to pay for it, while I struggle to get a single commission or make a single sale... my mojo is just fucking gone. And I need that mojo in order to make the sales, to entertain a room, to be confident enough to believe in my work. My mojo ran completely dry yesterday. I committed to changing paths. I still don't want to, but I have accepted that I might have to in order to escape the cycle of having my legs continually swept out from under me every 2 months (at most).

I talked to my mom about this a little today, but she didn't seem to get much of it, but she got some. I think the problem is that she thinks everything in life revolves around money, and that the reason my art/music/poetry/streaming isn't a financial success is not because I don't have supportive friends, not because I am a crappy salesman, but because I'm "not creating enough value for the consumer." Corporate talk, right?

Actually, maybe the problem is that since a VERY young age, I taught myself not to use money as a motivational tool. I taught myself to use passion for motivation. I was taught of the corruptive and manipulative powers of money. How people can use their earning of money to excuse things, like being a bad person and not bettering themselves. I learned that people can use "I work very hard" as a substitute for parenting, and get away with it, too. So... this is obviously a conflict, and a point she can't really understand.

I don't really want to rehash this, to be honest, I've had that butting of heads with her thousands of times. I'm just touching on it because it came up today. But we also managed to connect on nostalgia and remind her that I am in fact a very sensitive person (many say "oversensitive" as though it doesn't mean "hypersensitive" and as though it's a... bad thing?... Another weird one to me...) who should be treated delicately, especially when I'm vulnerable or overwhelmed. I think those points got through a bit, which reassures me a bit.

I stopped smoking weed for the past few days, which is weird in this ritual of journaling in bed before going to sleep because it really was the only thing in a long time that helped me sleep all the way through the night. I stopped smoking because I'm already very paranoid and panicky and I really just didn't think amplifying it would yield good results. Again... the fear of fear feedback loop. I'm tempted to go smoke just to prove myself wrong and have a great night's sleep, I have been sleeping like shit the past few days. "Fear, her ugly face is pokin through the clouds again. Gotta stare her in the eyes and tell her this time she won't win." I wrote that ages, lifetimes ago. Maybe I need to actively engage with her a bit more, rather than just tremble and piss myself every time Doom pokes his head over the horizon.

#diary #journal #stream of thoughts #spilled thoughts

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cosmicjoke · 2 years

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A Little Life

Okay, first, I need to preface this post by thanking @saezurufeels for recommending this book. I never would have known of it without their suggestion, and I can honestly say I’ve ever read any other book which had a greater, more profound impact on me. I feel extraordinarily lucky to have read this book, which I’m going to go into in a moment, but I wanted to thank them once again first.

Also, my post is going to be going into spoilers, so for any of my followers that see this post, I’ll be putting those under the cut. But let also first simply suggest this book myself. Particularly to any Banana Fish fans that might be following me. This book deals in much the same subject matter, and I think reading it will help you to better understand and appreciate BF as well. But to anyone, I would recommend this book. I think it will offer you a broader, greater insight into people who suffer from mental illness, will offer you greater compassion and kindness towards people who struggle every day simply to live, and will enhance your understanding of the impact and consequences of survived childhood sexual abuse, and what it does to its victims in a truly profound and meaningful way. I can’t recommend this book enough. It isn’t for the faint of heart, I will tell you now, but what you get out of it for sticking it through to the end is more than worth it, and more still, is a work immeasurable in its importance, I think, for the representation and understanding it provides for people who have suffered, are suffering, and will continue to suffer from childhood abuse. So if you haven’t read it, please, please do yourself a favor and go out and buy it, and read it.

The rest of what I’m going to say is going to be under the cut, so as to avoid spoilers.

A Little Life is, to put it plainly, unlike anything else I’ve ever read.

I’ve read two other works which deal in this same subject matter, that being childhood sexual abuse, and the lifelong impact it has on its victims. Those works were Banana Fish, by Akimi Yoshida, and Twittering Birds Never Fly, by Yoneda Kou. Both of these works are extraordinary in their own right, and highly recommended by me for various reasons, but for much the same reason I recommend A Little Life, which is how they offer insight into the true affects of childhood abuse and trauma.

But with A Little Life, I have perhaps never read a more honest, moving, devastating, tragic or real portrait of a man who has suffered the awful fate of childhood sexual abuse.

This book left me deeply affected, profoundly touched, and, this isn’t hyperbole, far more enlightened than when I began.

This book deals with concepts of trauma, friendship, love, mental health, physical disability, abuse, kindness, etc... It deals with, in the most stark and realistic way I’ve ever seen, the true, lifelong impact and consequences of child abuse, and how child abuse continues to affect and devastate its victims throughout the entirety of their lives, how the damage it causes never really goes away, how inescapable and tragic it truly is. And, maybe above all, maybe its most important theme, the thing it forces its reader to come to terms with and consider above all, is what it is we consider to make life worth living, and whether or not there comes a point in which simply being alive justifies living, or if there is a point in which letting someone die to alleviate their pain is in fact the kinder, more moral choice. Whether there are simply certain traumas, certain sufferings, that justify a person’s wish to die.

The book centers on its main character, Jude St. Francis, a man who from young childhood, perhaps age 6 or 7, through the age of 15, suffers extraordinary, unfathomable and horrific abuse, mental, emotional, physical, and sexual, from a number of different perpetrators, which leave him not only mentally, but physically scarred and disable throughout the rest of his life. A life he struggles through in the most torturous way possible until, at last, in the end, he takes his own life, and you as a reader, by the time you reach this end, know it was the only way in which it could have ended. It was the only honest ending. It was the only path for Jude to take, in order to end his pain and suffering.

And this is something the book does so extraordinarily well, that it forces you, as a reader, no matter how much the idea might repel or horrify you, to truly consider that for some people, it really is simply better to die than to keep living. That it’s okay for a person to choose to die.

I already believed this before reading A Little Life, but this book articulated why I believed that in a way I never could.

It casts no judgments on those who choose to commit suicide. It never portrays Jude as weak, as pathetic, as cowardly, as lesser, for wanting to die. In fact, quite the opposite.

Jude tries again and again and again to get better. He tries with everything he has, and throughout the story, despite his continued setbacks and the truly untenable depth of his pain, continues to hope that he will get better. That’s largely where so much of the tension in this book comes from. You find yourself so drawn in by this character, by his story, by his struggle, and so emotionally invested in him, that you end up caring about him deeply, and forgetting entirely that he’s a fictional character at all, believing fully in his actual existence. And just like with any real person who you care deeply for, and who is sick, you hope beyond hope that they will somehow, against all odds, get better, even as you know, deep down, they won’t. And that’s what makes this story so affecting. Just how real it is. It never compromises, it never pulls back, it never flinches away from the tragic reality of so many people who live every day of their lives with the burden of trauma. It doesn’t try to sell us some sort of fantasy, some sort of fairy tale ending in which there’s a miraculous and sudden recovery and everything turns out alright. That’s not reality, and very few real life people who bear the pain of lived with trauma will find a reflection of themselves in stories which push that kind of narrative. They will, though, find a reflection of themselves in a character like Jude, who strives to heal, who strives to live his life, and who, despite his not succeeding, in the end, is still so human, still, as Yanagihara put it herself, fully a man. No less for not getting better, no less admirable, no less courageous, no less strong, no less deserving of respect, no less extraordinary for having chosen to end his suffering and give up his life.

The admirableness is in his having tried at all, despite his immense pain, and the book helps us to understand in the most sympathetic and empathetic way why Jude choosing to end his life wasn’t him failing, wasn’t him losing, wasn’t a condemnation, or a reflection of weakness, or lack of strength, or cowardice, but simply a decision that was what, for the first time in his life, was simply best for himself, the first time in his life he chose himself, and stood up for himself and what he needed. And the book conveys the tragedy, but also the meaningfulness of that with such immeasurable clarity, that even as painful and devastating and heartbreaking as it is, you still know, in the end, it was what Jude HAD to do, and you understand it, and you understand that for him, for him, it was what was best. It forces us to contend with the reality that just because we want someone to keep living doesn’t always mean they should keep living. That sometimes, someone’s pain, their suffering, is just too much to justify continued life, that life itself isn’t enough on its own to justify living when the very act of it causes you untenable agony, when the quality of that life is horrific and torturous. It shows us why a person’s decision to let go of that pain is okay, then, why it’s alright, that it doesn’t make them weak, or cowardly, or pathetic. And it shows us why we should never make them feel that way, we should never guilt them or badger them or bully them into continuing to live just to make ourselves feel better, when it’s clear they’re suffering as a result, when our fear of our own grief forces them to stay when they need to leave.

So yes, read this book. If you haven’t read it, or even if you have, read it again. It’s importance can’t, I think, be overstated.

#a little life #hanya yanagihara #jude st francis #books

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gwynpool · 3 years

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it’s 2AM and i just finished Rule of Wolves (spoilers definitely up ahead)

first, to inform everyone, i read the spoilers when it got leaked in twitter cuz i can’t help myself. (it’s a sickness, i know) i think this is important since it definitely influenced my perspective upon reading the book. also, this is my first time being early in a party so yay me! going in ROW was easy for me because i started King of Scars the day before book 2’s actual release date so everything’s fresh.

secondly, this is really long so i’m sorry. i just have a lot of feelings and need to write it all down. on with the rant.

King of Scars was wonderful to me since it gave me my favorite Shadow and Bone character and the girl who i used to hate for being a mean girl but who I now admire with every ounce of my being. It also introduced a new ship that I am now obsessed with and is ruling besides my love for Jude&Cardan. Not to mention, it gave us Nina, whom though i’m not entirely a fan of due to all my love focusing on Kaz and Inej, allowed the connection between Shadow&Bone with SixofCrows.

Moving on, ROW was a ride and whirlwind of emotions. unfortunately, it wasn’t always the best kind.

I love the fantasy elements of it (tho it was a huge leap especially with the saints power thingy) and the politics because i am a sucker for scheming and stealing thrones.

the zoyalai teasing and angst was painful but in the best way since slowburn is what keeps me going.

nina finding comfort (and attraction, apparently) from hanne made my heart flutter because i haven’t gotten over matthias but this allowed a sort of closure and next chapter for our waffle-loving queen.

the promised wedding by leigh wasn’t what i expected but i’m not complaining since david&genya deserved nothing but happiness.

almost everything seems going well (aside from the fact that aleksander was ressurected apparently)and then everything crashes and burns and i just have to wonder why?

so the promised funeral alongside the wedding one, immediately comes after two? three? chapters as they were attacked during the afterparty of the wedding. and guess what? leigh killed the fcking groom.

the thing is i already knew he was going to die (with the spoilers and all) but i did not expect it to come immediately after the freaking wedding. not even halfway through the book!

being spoiled, i think, took most of the pain from the event but it doesn’t lessen the fact that it was completely unnecessary??? like though the characters grieved, nothing much was affected from his death? also, don’t talk to me about the character development for the survivors from this tragic event because there. was. absolutely. NONE.

and then we have the fricking darling ressurected. i love him in the first book of the grishaverse though i knew he was still a villain, don’t get me wrong. and my heart ached but was also relieved with his death in the third. he also inspired one of my all-time favorite fantasy villain(antihero?) in the form of Adelina Amouteru in the Young Elites series.

Ceased to be a Darklina fan and am now shipping Aleksander with Adelina because their power tho? like clings to like and they are both imbued with unfathomable darkness. somebody write fics please.

but bringing him back was what for exactly? leigh bardugo preached on how toxic the darkling character was and how we really shouldn’t like him in terms of agreeing with his ideals and yada yada. and yet she brings him back because apparently, he’s the only one paying her bills.

his conversation with alina tho had me expecting some darklina crumbs with fan service on the side since the stans were all raving about it on twitter *vomiting noises from toxicity* but i was surprised since it just further reminded us of how he truly is a villain in his very core and would do anything to get what he wants. so all in all it wasn’t entirely awful and it actually made me like Mal a bit. (never was a fan of him but that’s my issue, not the character’s)

setting aside the darkling issue a bit, the POV from Mayu was skippable. i mean obviously it still needs to be read for the Shu politics and the khergud existence but it just made me want to go to the next pov. Same goes for the “the monk’s” POV since you all know how i feel about him and the cult with it’s assembly and shit ended up also being unnecessary towards the end. honestly, i could do without the journey of the starless saint and his cult.

i truly enjoyed the fjerdan plot to my surprise and i like how nina kind of went through the last of us 2 circle of hate journey. it was definitely difficult knowing her pain and all that she went through and still choosing to be the better person. and yet, i can’t help but be more proud of her development. also, the supposed death of hanne got me going for a second and was actually ready to storm leigh’s home to fix her mistake. thank god it was plot twist. that’s all i have to say on the nina POV because i don’t wanna ruin my good feeling on this.

the crows cameo gave us a mini heist and it just made me miss reading their adventures. also the suli scene tugged at my heart.

imma skip zoya’s transformation but it utterly made me feel amazing and i have never been more glad that she’s kind of overpowered. she deserves it so fck all them haters. you can choke.

nikolai’s revelation and decision for the ravkan throne was not all that surprising, even without my knowledge of the spoilers. i honestly had a feeling that he was always his best self when he was strumhond and he only chose to fulfill the duties of the king because at that time, there was no other choice. so him giving up the throne to his beloved soldier, summoner and saint was a quite satisfying choice of route. there has been some others who would contest nikolai’s decision to step down as something unnecessary in the grand scheme of things but i would stand by my belief that nikolai made the best choice for ravka and for himself. not to say that i didn’t want to see both the queen and king side by side ruling but what are fanfictions for?

zoyalai is canon and endgame. finally. i can die now.

now the last two chapters was a toss up. for the first one was the darkling’s sacrifice. okay, so i was also spoiled by this from twitter but when i was reading the book, i keep expecting it to be brought up and it wasn’t. so i honestly thought that maybe that spoiler was a prank. lo and behold it was not and it wasn’t until the very last end. so the buildup was goddamn awful. the whole concept of the thorn wood and sort of atlas moment was just no. like you’re just springing this up now? when we’re supposed to be tying up loose ends but making sure it had history and buildup to well, back it up.

also leigh outright writing genya saying it was not a redemption for the darkling and him being unapologetic about his crimes (basically being a truly evil asshole) doesn’t remove the fact that it still comes off as a redemption arc especially with what is now the synopsis of SOC 3 but ill get to that. he still was the one who did a heroic deed and that fucks me up because it was just devastating to me after making peace with his end in ruin and rising. not because i was hurt that he died yet again boohoo but because it kind of invalidates everything that alina, genya, zoya and countless other victims went through.

on a side note, the darling stans on twitter who keeps defending his actions, i would really advise you to reflect on your decisions cuz it is honestly unhealthy. also, you lot talking smack about nikolai and zoya refusing to sacrifice their lives? stop twisting the story to suit your toxic admiration, nikolai was even first to offer up his life and would do so if it was actually possible. so just go hide in your darkling cocoon and stop hating on other characters to justify your favored aleksander.

the very last chapter aka coronation was good because it gave us inej ghafa cameo as captain of her ship and bonding with our resident privateer and also genya, alina and zoya bonding. but it was bad because apparently the darkling chronicles is still not over and now we’re supposed to grant him death like that’s going to make everything okay? i know forgiveness and breaking the circle of hate and revenge is a huge theme in this duology but honestly, this is just too extreme. with nina it was understandable and the people she hated were born of twisted mindset and circumstances but the darkling? hahahah no. he is a literal immortal who was delusional so now that he’s paying for his crimes, you want to allow him death because you have nightmares? zoya, goddamit no! same to you genya and alina. and so this will be the plot for the third six of crows? why can’t we just stop making this about him. now he gunna steal kaz’s thunder? over my dead body.

in the end, i gave this book 4 stars in goodreads because if i ignore the darkling plot, it was a really good use of politics and fantasy merging in a storyline. i can’t fault leigh for choosing to do this since it’s still her book so i definitely don’t have a right to dictate what i expected from this. also, i have a half a mind to believe that she fell in love with ben barnes and had him in mind writing this so i really cannot blame her because i have been under that man’s charms since prince caspian came out. the spoilers i read made me more open in reading this (backwards thinking but eh that’s how i roll) so i’m not at all crushed by what transpired. it was just weird and was lackluster in its attempt to give ravka some sort of peace. frankly, i just want to read the third six of crows book to maybe find some sort of calm in all this craziness and also delve in some zoyalai fanfiction because it was a long time coming.

shameless promotion but if you guys want to check out my nikolai duology spotify playlist, here’s the link:

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rpgsandbox · 3 years

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Aeres is a new setting for your adventurous 5th Edition campaign. The Chronicles of Aeres, the title of the handbook, represent the histories, mythologies, heroes, villains, and struggles of this mystical realm, the details of which we're working diligently to bring to life. Aeres is filled to the brim with nostalgia, and its sensibilities are decidedly old school. It's a land that hearkens back to a classical age of fantasy—an age of larger-than-life heroes, true, but also a time when hapless farmhands and folksy Hobbits were coaxed into adventure by wizards, prophecies, and promises of magical treasure. For those who seek their fortune in this realm, the result is often peril and adventure—but just as often magic and charm.

Aeres is a young world. It's a world filled with wonder and enchantment; a world of mists and mystery. A world whose normalities are the myths and legends of our folklore. In Aeres, your next door neighbor could be a talking fox, while a unicorn remains your closest comrade. Dragons the size of mountains spawn eternal legends in their wake; cities skyrocket upward in magnificent marble and silver spires; magical forests shelter trees and animals who can talk, and enchanted springs bubble forth with the very secrets of life. And yet, Aeres is a realm thrust into the clutches of darkness one time too many. Its fairytale splendor has been shattered over the centuries by ruthless and wicked sorcerers, tyrannical emperors, and unfathomable intruders from beyond the veil of shadow.

The continent is compact--barely larger than the United Kingdom, and although it's a pastoral land brimming with adventure, it's not entirely a "kitchen sink." The gods, races, monsters, and magic of Aeres all share an interconnected story and history. But, you can certainly import many of your favorite concepts from other settings, and find ways for them to work within Aeres lore.

As a setting, Aeres lends itself to larger-than-life encounters, epic campaigns in which the safety of the entire realm comes into question... and yet, with every town and forest being home to common folk, a new adventure awaits around every corner; even seemingly insignificant obstacles often reveal themselves to be tied to the greater trouble of the land itself.

The Chronicles of Aeres handbook will contain everything necessary for a dungeon master to create a fleshed out, action-packed adventure within the setting; in addition, the book will offer both new and experienced players a full kit of tools to create a folkloric character fully immersed in the atmosphere of the realm:

200+ pages of content with full color illustrations from over 15 talented artists.

18 fleshed out races and cultures--including new twists on familiar tropes, from rune-powered dwarfs, adventurous ratfolk, mysterious kobolds, and more.

3 new player classes based on mythology--the Witch, the Dreamcaller, and the Alchemist.

A pantheon of colorful and fascinating gods and goddesses, offering new gameplay elements and systems to explore.

Extensive history and lore of the realm, including a complete gazetteer and a full roster of NPCs, monsters, heroes, villains, and organizations, all geared with new story and gameplay hooks in mind.

Pre-written scenarios to help launch you directly into the game, or to help DMs springboard into longer campaigns.

Kickstarter campaign ends: Mon, February 1 2021 1:16 AM UTC +00:00

Website: [facebook] [twitter]

#RPG #kickstarter #Dungeons and Dragons #Chronicles of Aeres

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yizhenumb · 3 years

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Intro~

Hi all!! I’m Lils, 20+, she/her

I’m super excited to join Chromos and plot with you all! What an exciting and original concept/premise, lets have fun together~ I’ve read through everyone’s profiles & have a few plots to pitch, will PM y’all soon.

Otherwise, please find me on twitter. I plot most comfortably on twitter will respond much faster on that platform. For comparison, I am on twitter 100% of the time and on tumblr 5 min per day (just kidding but seriously).

I am also 10000% down for messy plots, nothing is off the table. So don’t be shy to pitch anything, no matter how crazy, out of the world, unfathomable, etc etc... we gotta start from somewhere, right? ;D

With that said, please click to see Rue’s about & history

Happy writing~ .｡.:*☆

#cr:intro #cr:u0.chromos

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mariska · 2 years

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man. it is legitimately unfathomable to me how mainstream popular cryp*0 and nf/ t stuff has become by such a ridiculously large amount of people. even if it wasnt actively accelerating the destruction of the environment i cant rationalize a single instance where id hear abt either of those things and think 'yeah that seems like a pretty good deal/gig actually'. im not at all 'surprised' at the concept of weirdo twitter bros who think slurs are the epitome of comedy falling for a scam like that but almost every band/franchise social media account/etc etc that i keep up with has tried to tap into it at least once to an overwhelmingly negative public response and it just blows my mind. evanescence's instagram page advertised some dumb en eff tee thing like a month ago and then when people called them out on it they doubled down and were like 'noo its ok the one we're partnering with is actually sustainable 🤗' LIKE HELLO!?!? am i in a cyberpunk nightmare?????? the saw movies social media page tried to make a whole halloween scavenger hunt kind of thing out of it. artists whose work i like who make art for like comic book covers or collectors edition releases of movies have advertised it on their pages. i just dont get it at all. like i get it technically, im a collector of a lot of different stuff, but this isnt. a collectable thing at all? you dont even own it. its a picture on the internet. im sorry but that is so stupid. i cant even imagine having enough money to throw away on useless shit to feel accomplished spending 5k us dollars on a jpeg that anyone can right click and save to their computer

#sorry for the random rant its just like. when will it end dear god

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youngdisciples · 4 years

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“This is unfair!”

“Life is unfair!”

“This is cheating!”

These words above are the same words the workers of the vineyard declare in our parable today. The parable is all about a landowner who hired different workers at different times and paid them the same amount at the end of the day.

The workers who are hired earlier of the day, worked the whole day and there are workers who are hired almost at the end of the day and have worked for only a short time. When the end of the day came, they were all summoned by the landowner and paid the same amount. The workers who were hired earlier complained about receiving the same payment as the worker who only worked for an hour. So they called their landowner unfair, a cheater and they got very angry.

However, can we really say that the landowner is unfair? That he cheated on them? Was he being unfair to the workers he hired first? The answer is no. The landowner was absolutely not unfair because in the first place, they all agreed to work with him at that given salary. So, why did Jesus use this parable as a comparison to the kingdom of heaven? Does it mean that God is unfair? Absolutely not!

Jesus wants the disciples and us to understand the meaning when He said, “the first will be the last, and the last will be the first.” In fact, He had used this very sentence three times consecutives already in the book of Matthew because He wants to point out the importance of humility.

From the reflection about the children being the greatest of the kingdom of heaven, Jesus also mentioned this sentence because again, He wants to point out the importance of humility. First point is, humbling ourselves is one of the hardest tasks to do. Most of the time, we regard ourselves so high that we forget where everything we have come from.

We tend to bring ourselves to the high stage so people will praise us. In short, we wanted to be recognized, praised and complemented by the people who surround us. Our satisfaction can be found in people’s validation so we always seek for their approval to the point of praising ourselves, instead of giving back all the praises and glory to our God who deserves it.

Therefore, Jesus wants to teach us the importance of humbleness. He does not want us to wrongfully place our praises and gratification to ourselves but instead, He wants us to know that everything we have comes from Him. Jesus wants us to learn how to humble ourselves because through this, we will be able to see the goodness and grace of our God in our lives.

Second point is, the workers were angry not because they actually felt cheated or because of the landowner’s greed, but it was because of the owner’s grace. The attitude of the landowner showed to them was too unfathomable for them. They can accept the fact that people who only worked a little can receive such gifts.

These kinds of people are those who believe that salvation can be acquired through working hard. The concept of free and grace are too impossible for them and very unacceptable. So, in this parable Jesus has shown us the attitude of men and the attribute of God. He wants to clearly emphasize to us that whatever we do, no matter how hard we worked, we can never gain our salvation through our own strength.

When the landowner said that it is his right to decide on how to spend his money is also like God telling us that it is His decision to die on the cross and to save us, sinners, from death. Indeed, it is only because of grace that we have received this redemption through Jesus Christ our Lord. We may be the workers who are hired earlier or the workers who are hired late, we still have the same destination— heaven, enjoying our eternal life.

Lastly, the third point is, going back to the sentence Jesus was always emphasizing about the first being the last and the last being the first is to let us understand how He personally became like the sentence. He was the treasure of heaven, the greatest of all, the King of all kings, the Lord of all lords but He became the last for our sake.

Jesus was the firstborn of all creation but now, He became the least and the last of all because of our sins. He bore our sins and let God pour His wrath on Him so we will become the first. He became the last so we can become the first. He traded His life for us; He shared to us His perfect righteousness so through Him we will be called holy.

Therefore, let us all be grateful to the Lord of lords and give Him the praise and glory He truly deserves. Let us not focus our mindset on the world’s unfairness because Jesus made sure that we will receive eternal life fairly only if we will just believe in Him.

May we always be reminded to be humbled and direct our praises and gratification to our God. May we not become legalists who believe that working hard can earn us salvation, instead we must accept the fact that we are incapable and a distorted creation who badly needs God’s grace and mercy. Lastly, may we always be reminded that Jesus became the last so we can become the first because He loves us so much and He doesn’t want us to suffer.

For more daily reflection, verse and encouragement, you may follow us. You can also like, follow and visit us on:

Website: https://youngdisciples.org/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/YoungdisciplesIntl

Twitter: @YD153

Instagram: @youngdisciples2020

Pinterest: Young Disciples of Jesus

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