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thehighpriestexx420 · 3 months

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My Twin Flame Experience

The intention of this post was to honestly just have a public space to write out my thoughts and feelings. I hope you get something from it. I'm highlighting the more common signs of twin flames for your reference.

The Beginning

We met through a social media app when I had just turned 23 and he was just turning 21. He added me and I thought he was stunningly attractive. There wasn't any conscious form of recognition at this point. I felt comfortable approaching him because we shared something a little more unique in common; we're both trans men. (Although I'm significantly more nonbinary/gender nonconforming)

When I asked him why he added me through the app I believe he just said I seemed cool. Later on he admitted he thought I was cute. I was upfront and told him I thought he was cute in my first message.

We got to know eachother a bit through messages. I had alot of fun talking to him; something that's not too common in this dating app age, but not necessarily a sign of being twin flames. He was hilarious and we had a good back and forth.

He tried to come off as more confident than he actually was until the end of our first hang out. Before he did come over, I told my roommate at the time that I didn't think he was a real friend and he probably just wanted the LSD. He seemed to avoid hanging out with me for a while.

Which was true but not because he was uninterested. It was because he was insecure. He didn't like the thought of people seeing him and rejecting him. At the end of our hang, he said if I didn't like him that it was ok. I gave him that impression because I didn't talk much while we were watching Breaking Bad. I have social anxiety just like he does.

However, I actually felt a pull towards him that I couldn't explain. I felt the need to be physically close to him. But he had a partner at the time and I knew it was inappropriate. I sensed his energy as "masculine". Like... not in a casual sense when you see they have that masc swagger or something. It was his spirit. I didn't have the idea he was my twin flame at the time. But it's interesting because looking back at it, it aligns with the belief I have that he's my "divine masculine".

When we talked before we watched the show, the conversation was casual and somewhat comfortable. I don't remember if I knew I had romantic feelings at that point but I know I did by the end of the hang because I thought to myself of course I like someone when they already had a partner.

Him and his partner were actually starting to begin exploring having a nonmonogamous relationship. He wanted to have a threesome for his birthday and we obliged despite not knowing eachother very well. It was pretty meh. His partner and I kissed and later on he said he was jealous and thought to himself that I was his but not the same for his partner.

At one point he said he was going to marry his partner. He must have noticed the look of alarm on my face because he said that it wasn't like that. It was a fun celebration, not serious or legal. I didn't like the thought of him having a closer relationship with someone than me.

I'm an empath but when you feel someone's energy/emotions from a distance without intending to it's usually because you have a strong connection. At some point I felt that he was experiencing a negative emotion, I believe it was the feeling of wanting to escape something and not wanting to be there. I messaged him this and he told me that was accurate. He was hanging out with his partner.

I experienced jealousy but I just wanted him to be happy. If his relationship with someone was unhealthy that's what really made me want him to not be with that person. He eventually got the courage to break up with them.

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I asked him to be my partner despite feeling like I wasn't ready for a relationship. He made me want to try. I had just been through a traumatic experience that gave me severe trust issues.

When he sat on my lap, it was so comfortable and familiar. Although "familiar" wasn't really in my vocabulary at that time, if that makes sense. It also stood out because I hadn't known him for that long at all. It was like he calmed my nerves and everything was ok. Like he was my person.

We had both thought that our relationship and the way we felt towards eachother was "too good to be true". It was unlike anything we had experienced and we couldnt foresee experiencing anything like this with anyone else even 5 years later and now till this day. I felt, for the first time, that someone loved me as much as I loved them and felt the same way -although with his own energy.

There was a moment where he said he missed me and I said I missed him too, although with a different meaning. I didn't mean for him to sense this through my voice. I didn't mean it all the way. It was an experience I was confused about and didn't know if it was even real.

But I didn't feel the same as when we first met. I didn't love him any less. It was just less exciting? Intense? I almost viewed him in a different way too. He asked me something like if I didn't like him anymore and I told him it wasn't like that. And it wasn't but I wasn't transparent about my experience because I didn't want him to think that. I felt guilty and confused.

I've been gaslight for almost my entire time knowing my mom and her long term bf. From birth until 22 with my mom. From 3 years old until 22 with my stepdad/her bf. The effects of gaslighting is horrid. It's second guessing your perception and not knowing what's real or not. I'd rather know what reality is no matter how bad. Especially with intrusive thoughts. It was a daily experience that I'd ruminate over if these thoughts were the truth. If I was bad, etc.

I told him this. I told him to please just tell me the truth no matter how bad it is; I'd rather know what's real and not. I told him I'd rather him ask to do nonplatonic stuff with others than cheat on me.

We decided to have a monogamous relationship because of jealousy, wanting to hold each other's attention the most, and because what we had wasn't comparable to anyone else.

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The Middle

I also experienced as time went on our relationship became more unhealthy. I loved him so much and would do anything to make our relationship work. He said he was so comfortable with me he let his anger show. A symptom of ADHD is irritability and this is what he has.

But it wasn't just anger; it was not understanding my POV and not being able to be reasoned with. It was assuming the worst and not trusting me at times. When I neutrally told people about an experience I had with him, they'd agree with my assessment.

I'd question if he was right (for example, if I shouldnt have laughed when he spilt buttermilk because it was rude and I should've known that. He felt that I was laughing *at* him and not the situation. I wasn't supposed to hurt people's feelings or upset them. But when I taked about it with others they agreed that I cant be expected to know when someone is going to react disproportionately to the situation. That it was his responsibility to manage his anger *issues*. It wasn't mine to tiptoe. When people told me this I was assured it was obvious like I knew inside. But, again, the effects of gaslighting played a part here.)

There was a moment I completely recognized him as someone I already knew from other lives and I cried and told him that I missed him.

We had several moments where we felt like one person. We had felt that there was literally one person in the room when he and I were the only ones. When we cuddled, we felt like we combined into one person. It was serene, comfortable, and right.

I ended up breaking up with him 3 times. First time was because he broke a boundary of mine when I told him he could flirt with someone. I had told him I just wanted transparency and to be told when he was doing it. Not like every detail obviously - just updates in the actions and connections he had with others. I said something about wanting to be told beforehand or being asked. The night I told him this he flirted with someone without telling me beforehand. He said he just *assumed* I knew he was going to do it. I told him I made my boundaries clear. He said it was an accident but I dont know if that's true still.

This wasn't the only thing. The main reason is because he was hanging out with them alot more than me (they were long distance), laughed more, and had fun with eachother more. I told him I noticed this and wanted to work on it with him. He denied it but admitted I was right years later. The main main reason is when I asked him how he felt about her and if he would be partners with her if she lived close. He was annoyed by the "hypothetical" question and refused to answer it. I felt that this was a red flag - communication and honesty is key. He ended up saying he would and all of these things told me he viewed our relationship differently than I did.

I want to be real. I want to be authentic and have myself and others do what makes them happy. I want to be healthy. Since we didn't view our relationship the same, the outside reality had to reflect that. I didn't feel comfortable labeling our relationship as something it wasn't. He really didn't like that and took it as rejection. We were both heartbroken.

I had to take my wedding ring off. It was the hardest thing I had to do at the point. It felt like I was being torn apart; that I was tearing myself away from me.

During our time together, he had made little changes here and there but not really where it counted. He was stubborn and just wasn't changing.

The second time I broke up with him he accused me of gaslighting him. He had been emotionally abusive (I assume without realizing it) to me for so long. I had been patient and tried to be composed for so long. At this moment I lost my temper.

I kept screaming "leave me alone!" I told him that he was gaslighting *me* and that every time our memories didn't align it just happened to conveniently be in favor of him. I couldn't take it anymore and told him it was over. He convinced me to do relationship counseling with him. We did and it worked well. Until it didn't.

He told me that he didn't care if people flirted with me, didn't want to be jealous, and wanted me to feel good about myself. He then casually revealed to me that him and his friends flirt with eachother. This was the reason I first broke up with him. He crossed my boundary again. We debated as to what "friend flirting" was and if it was flirting or just compliments. I'm sure that you can see through context clues that it was just flirting. He told me that he'd stop doing it.

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The End of Our Relationship

I discovered that he had been sexting and had a romantic long distance relationship with someone when I saw the messages between them on his computer (I wasn't snooping like I had in the past. He told me to turn his computer off if he fell asleep and left it on. The messages were open underneath his game.) He had this relationship with them for 2 months. Before that, he flirted/sexted with someone else that I saw. He told me that him & the person he had a relationship with also had phone sex once. After he told me he'd stop "friend flirting" he continued to. He had been cheating on me for at least a year. That was just what I knew.

He told me it was just because he was insecure and liked the attention and validation. He didn't really love the person he had a relationship with. He just liked the feeling of someone saying "I love you" and someone saying it back to him. That it wasn't because he didn't love me or that the relationship was boring or anything like that. I don't entirely believe him - I think there's more to it.

He said that he'd do anything to stay in a relationship with me. If this were true why didn't he just not cheat? Why did this change just because I caught him? He told me he'd be honest with me from then on. Of course, he wasn't. Instead, he lied about little things he didn't even have to.

I lost romantic attraction to him at one point. Being cheated on and disrespected in this way was a turn off. But I'd always love him and in some kind of romantic sense as well.

We still expressed our love for eachother through words and action 5 months after the breakup. Some time after that, he withdrew and spent more time on his computer. I knew what he was doing this time. It was like he was cheating again but I was just aware. He didn't tell me what was going on unlike the updates I gave him. He went on a date that he tried lying about but that I knew of. I tried to kill myself.

He ended up in a relationship with this person. I felt that it was just a rebound but I wasn't sure. When I accidentally saw them together in person, I knew it was true and that the vibes were his partner was just the second version of the partner he had when he first met me.

He seemed like a different person (new energy from sharing it with someone else and due to our recent experiences) and I didn't recognize him. We were supposed to say goodbye and hug on move out day. He lied to me even on that day and I changed my mind about it. Why would I want to do such a thing thing with someone who wasn't even there?

Even through being homeless, being abused by my parents, being mostly alienated from my peers, experiencing the difficulties of being trans, etc. this was still the worst experience I've been through.

He hit triggers of mine in extreme ways. It was worse than agony. Suicide came to mind but I realized it wouldn't change what happened. My suicide attempt was due to me not being able to handle my overwhelming emotions. It wouldn't change that he and our relationship was fictional. That he didn't really love me - only valued me for the stability, comfort, and familarity.

I didn't know up from down. I didn't know what was real and not. This affected my whole life - not just my perception of him and our relationship. I felt empty; like a blackhole. Nothing mattered. Nothing existed. If I thought I could trust him when I couldn't trust anyone else and he ended up doing something only my worst enemy would do then I couldn't trust anyone. Noone was innocent and deserved to be treated as such.

He started being even more emotionally abusive. After he felt guilty, he started blameshifting and looking for ways I could've cheated. Ways I treated him poorly. He told me that I didn't like talking about stuff that I did, just stuff that he did.

But I knew the timing of bringing these things up wasn't appropriate. That I wasn't anywhere near moving past this and healing. That the energy with which he talked about these things didn't feel right and like he wanted to make them right.

He was trying to escape what he did and the feelings that came with it. He was looking for someone else to focus his anger and pain on. Even when I already had more than enough on my plate, he managed to make it worse.

He ended up having me questioning if I was a narcissist like he accused me of and had convinced his friends that I was. He caused the first flashback I had and I haven't had another one since. (It's been over almost 2 years since this happened). He yelled and yelled and wouldn't allow me to escape from it.

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The Aftermath

When I was crossfaded and after I asked him to block me so I couldn't unblock him, I emailed him that I loved him and hoped he was doing well. After I sent this, I was listening to My Curse - Killswitch Engage and I sensed the line "Will you wait for me?" was from his spirit.

Not long after this, I looked at his response that said I needed to not talk to him forever and that he'd get a restraining order if I did. This was devastating. But I still knew that line was referring to this message. There was a part of him that didn't really mean it. As hurt as I was and as much as my ego believed he truly didn't care about me and that's why it was easy for him to move on.

Some time after this, I received the strongest download/insight I've had. I knew the Universe was speaking to me and letting me know something. Reminding me. What happened was supposed to. This is the moment he changes and we have a happy and healthy relationship together. He needed to lose me and be without me to finally learn.

I don't remember if this was during that exact moment but I've also realized that it wasn't out of similarity that we triggered eachother. It was that the Universe and consequently ourselves knew what our triggers were and knew to bring them out so we could work through them. It was less exact "mirroring" and more just bringing out our traumas.

My experience with mirroring isn't always "we both like the color blue" or whatever. We are both the universe reflected back to us in the closest most intimate and affected way. We push eachother to grow the most. We are the most important aspects of each other's existence. We are eachothers universe. We are the exact outside to our individuals inside.

One of the reasons I know he's my twin flame is because he affected me so much. He reduced me to my atoms and basic concepts of life so I could find who I really am and rebuild myself better. He did this through negative action, state of being, and emotion. But negativity isn't "bad". Everything is "good" in that it's all meant to happen for the sake of unconditional love, experience, learning, and growing. This is the fabric of the Universe.

To allow existence is to unconditionally love. The Universe does this with everything. That's what makes it unconditional. He loved me so much he allowed me to view him as bad. He allowed me to experience bad emotions, thoughts, beliefs, etc. Consequently, he actually allowed me to heal and grow. To experience more health and happiness. To experience more truth.

As agonizing as it was and as profoundly painful as it still is, it's something I'm very grateful for. This is beyond human ooey-gooey love. This whole experience with my twin flame is the most meaningful and has made up my very existence.

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I've received other signs and insights that he's my twin and that we're supposed to be together. One of the most undeniable ones was when I felt him masturbate thinking about me. I felt the bodily sensations. I felt my stomach tighten, things build, and got goosebumps when he orgasmed.

I felt his spirits reaction when I wrote to him. I still feel his energy and emotions towards me. They're more positive lately. Tarot is pretty unmistakable. The messages and imagery are consistent. They speak of my insights. I'll see people that look like eachothers twin.

There was a card that particularly resonates with me - its from the Starseed Oracle deck and is called The Messenger. It speaks of balancing the masculine and feminine within so that others do the same. The image is of a person holding out their hands - both of them holding an orb of bright light. Their head also has a bright light. This is how I feel ourselves to be - 2 sides of one person. 2 parts of one person. 2 body parts used by one body used to bring peace to themselves and the world.

I've been taking ketamine infusions for my mental health. Ketamine is a psychedelic. During some of these treatments, the Universe told me that we're literally twin flames - the concept that people talk about. That this being "unexpected" and a "plot twist" is a part of the experience.

It wasn't necessarily unexpected because I had believed he was my twin during our relationship but I wasn't sure because ya know, gaslighting. So I just settled it as not worrying about the label and knowing what I knew about it.

I spoke to his higher self and I asked if I should message him due to tarot readings saying I should. He gave the go-ahead but wasn't too enthusiastic. I came down to earth as a stream of blue butterflies. This was another reminder that I'm a messenger of hope.

I believe his higher self wasn't too enthusiastic because he didn't end up responding to me. He may have blocked my email or is just not ready.

I keep being reminded of faith, trust, and patience. My intuition and tarot reading skills have been significantly more skillfull and detailed. I'm more easily able to access my discernment and messages from the universe. This is part of the effect of our time together.

I know he thinks about me more than I thought. I'm trusting my inner knowing of that. I know what we had was real. I know some of the things experienced were just his ego and was designed by our soul plan. I know we'll reunite soon.

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thatspiritualbabe · 10 days

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How Societal Influence Makes it Difficult to Navigate a Twin Flame Journey

Raise your hand if you ever felt victimized by the following quotes:

"If he wanted to he would"

"If he truly loved you, you wouldn't have to question where your relationship stands"

"Actions speak louder than words"

If you've been on your twin flame journey for awhile, you probably already know the formula. There's always a runner and there's always a chaser in the relationship. If you're reading this, you're likely the chaser, otherwise known as the one more spiritually awakened than the runner. The runner is not nearly as awakened as you are, so they panic. As a result the runner may ghost, withhold a commitment from the chaser, get involved with a third party (or 3p for short).

I've been through all of the aforementioned examples in my twin flame journey. This really put me through the ringer emotionally. I'll be honest, some days it still does affect me. Twin flame relationships are meant to trigger you--bring insecurities or fears to the surface-- so that you work through it and grow as an individual and as a twin flame. It's not an easy thing to heal from, yet this healing stage is a piece of the puzzle that guides you to reunion with your twin flame.

I feel my healing hasn't been linear. I'm much better mentally than I was when these incidents happened, and I'm proud of how far I've come. I think societal influence has played a factor in why my healing has come in waves, and I'm sure other twins can relate. This goes back to the quotes I placed at the beginning of this article. There is much more awareness on social media nowadays about toxic relationships. On the surface, one can see the runner's actions and say "this relationship is toxic", "it's not logical to pursue", "the writing is on the wall", etc. When we have negative experiences, it's human nature to want to seek comfort from family, friends, maybe even a therapist. In my experience, seeking comfort can be both helpful and harmful. I say harmful, because the ones we seek comfort from usually tend to give unsolicited advice. And, if that person is not as spiritually enlightened as you are, you are likely to get a "logical" response in return. "You deserve better", "he's a douche", "there's other guys out there who wouldn't put you through this"--believe me, I've heard it all. I've always been a hopeless romantic and I truly want to believe in all the good that comes from a twin flame relationship. Once you and your twin conquer all of your triggers and heal and come into union, it's said to be the greatest love of all--you'll never have to relive any of that bullshit ever again.

So part of my healing includes trying to kill the noise. Take "logical" advice with a grain of salt; most logic is influenced by ego to begin with. Now, that being said, there are times you should reconsider if you want to persist with your twin flame. The ghosting, non-commitment, 3p-- we're human, we're flawed, we make mistakes. If the runner can grow from that, take accountability, and treat you like a queen/king going forward, I say explore the connection and see if you both can move past it. However, if mistreatment and disrespect is a constant you may decide you want to reconsider. We all have our limits for what we can tolerate. NEVER condone abuse. The Universe will often provide you signs for what path you should take. If you still have love for your twin and you decide it's worth persisting for the reunion, you need to try as much as possible to tune out logic. After reading others' experiences, it seems like a common theme that the runner usually behaves out of fear or insecurity. Maybe your runner felt you were TOO good for them and didn't think they deserved you. Maybe your runner ran to a 3p that they felt was more attainable/in their league because they have a low opinion of themself. Evaluate and see if it's possible one of these deeper underlying meanings could've been a reasonable explanation for their actions rather than what you can see in the 3D, or on the surface.

I hope this makes sense. I hope it provides you with insight and comfort that you are not alone. If you made it this far, please consider liking, following, and sharing. I'm still very new to this and I appreciate all of the support I've gotten so far. Even if I reach one person, I'm happy to be helping that one person and making a difference. <3

#twin flame #twin flame journey #twin flame reunion #twin flame separation #twin flame runner #twin flame chaser #spiritual journey #spiritual growth #spiritual healing #spirituality #universe

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