#tw; ptsd

[sixpennydame]

The Better Man, Chapter 6

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Content/Warnings: NSFW, minors do not interact, PTSD symptoms, mention of alcohol consumption, canon-typical violence, death, sexual content, oral sex (fem receiving), vaginal sex

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“I looked everywhere for you. Where were you?” Lars asks, his words slurring.

“Oh, so now you’re worried about where I am? That didn’t seem to be the case earlier.” You see Lars visibly wince at your statement. Does he seriously not know how hurtful he was today? It makes you even more angry. “I was about to walk back to Trost tonight, but I thought better of it and went to talk with Captain Levi instead.”

At that, Lars’ head shoots up. “C-Captain Levi? Why?”

That came out before you had time to think it through. Maybe you should just tell him. Tell Lars everything about you and Levi, your history together..

No..you can’t. It’s too complicated, too convoluted. It would only hurt him, and he would lose trust in you and Levi. Despite all the pain he’s put you through the last year, you still love him. But god, you’re pissed off at him.

“Because he saw what happened in the canteen and was willing to talk with me about it.” You hide the truth from Lars again. You tell yourself it’s better this way. “He told me to be patient with you, Lars. That’s it hard for you all to talk about what happens out there, beyond the walls.” At least that’s not a lie.

You stand in front of him. “And honestly, that’s more information than you ever give me. You were an asshole to me tonight. Actually, you’ve been this way for the last year. You’re distant and cold, and we don’t talk like we used to. It’s like you don’t even want to be with me.”

You wait for a response from him but he just sits there, silently. Your heart is racing and you’re so tired of hurting, so you ask the one thing you’ve been scared to ask. “Lars..do you not love me anymore? If you don’t, just say it and be done with it.”

Lars stands up and moves towards you. “What? No, I…of course I still love you.”

You push down the lump that’s forming in your throat. Tears start collecting in the corners of your eyes, but you blink them away. “Then what is it, Lars? I can’t keep living like this. Your behavior makes me feel so alone, I can’t take it.”

You’re frustrated and hurt, and the alcohol coursing through you is not helping you to think clearly. “All I have is you in this world. Then when you come home, you’re a stranger. I’ve been patient, tried to be understanding…but then you say shit like what you said tonight and it hurts!”

“I don’t know what to do. What do you want from me?” Lars exclaims. 

“The truth! What is going on with you? Why are you pulling away from me? Why won’t you talk to me?”

“I don’t know!” he yells out. It startles you and everything halts to a standstill. He sits back on the bed, defeated, his head in his hands. “I don’t know…”

There’s silence. Lightning streaks across the sky, lighting up the room and a loud clap of thunder follows. You walk over to the window. Lars’ eyes follow you.

You take a deep breath to try and calm your nerves and then you just start talking - anything to fill the deathly silence in the room. “When I was a child living in The Underground, we could hear thunderstorms like this, but the thunder was so loud. It was almost as if sound was amplified under the ground.” You stare outside. “I used to get so scared because I had heard of the titans above ground and I thought the sound was their footsteps coming to get me. Sometimes it would get so loud that I would hide under my bed. My friend would pull me out and tell me that hiding wasn’t going to stop the noise. So I might as well face it.”

Levi had been teaching you to be brave since you were small. So why were you so scared now?

You crouch in front of Lars. “Hiding your feelings from me isn’t helping your pain. Please..let me face it with you.” You can see the tears forming in his eyes, the conflict on his face.  “You had once told me to let you into my heart so we could endure things together. Now I’m telling you: Let me in.”

He cups your cheek and his eyes soften. “Y/n..I’m so sorry for hurting you. I’ve been distant because I don’t know how to talk about what I’ve seen out there. So much death and destruction..it’s affected me more than I had expected.”

“I’ve seen people I’ve known since my cadet years get eaten in the most horrific ways. Do you know what it’s like to hear someone's body get crushed and eaten? To see your friend’s entrails spread across the ground? To pick up a body that is so mangled, you can’t even recognize who they are? I can’t get these images out of my mind.”

He grabs your hands and looks at you. “And no matter what I do, no matter how many titans I kill, they just keep coming. It feels like it’ll never stop. That we’ll never be free.”

And then it’s as if years of sadness and despair are released. Tears flow from his eyes as he pushes back his hair. “I was ashamed to tell you these feelings because I was afraid you’d think less of me. Like I was less of a man. Someone who couldn’t protect you.”

You sit next to Lars on the bed and take his face in your hands, your own tears streaming down your face. “Lars..I would never, ever, think you were less of a man for having these feelings. No human should have to see the things you and your comrades have seen.”

He hugs you tightly as he cries. “This wasn’t what I thought it would be like.”

“So let’s leave all this behind,” you say to him, looking into his pained eyes. “Leave the Corps. We can start a new life somewhere else. We’ll be together..that’s all that matters.” You’ve begged this before, but maybe this time, he’ll give in.

His eyebrows furrow and he swallows hard. “I..” he hugs you tighter, “I can’t. They’re my brothers and sisters in arms. I can’t abandon them. I won’t.”

“I made a pledge to the Survey Corps and I don’t take that lightly. I promise, I won’t push you away anymore and will be more open with you about what’s going on. But please, don’t ask me again to leave the Corps. I need to know you support me through this.”

There’s no animosity in his voice; only a plea to stand by him. He’s been silently suffering for so long, you wish you could take on some of this pain he bears. “On our wedding day, we promised to support each other, in good times and bad. I don’t intend on breaking that promise.”

And that’s when it dawns on you, even in your drunken state: you’re still holding onto Levi, and that’s not supporting Lars.

You thought you could do it, keep a small part of yourself reserved for Levi; but even though it was buried deep in your heart, it was keeping you from fully surrendering yourself to your husband. And that wasn’t fair to him. “I am committed to you, Lars,” you say, taking his head in your hands, “for better or for worse, we’re in this together.” 

You both lie on the bed, holding each other through the rest of the night. Before you drift off to sleep, you hear Lars whisper, “I’m sorry…

…I love you so much..”

——

The next morning, Corps members sporadically make their way to the canteen for breakfast; some hungover, others sleep deprived from staying up too late with their comrades. Even Levi is having a slower morning than usual, having stayed up thinking of what happened between you and him last night - or rather, what didn’t happen. He’d been too cruel to you when you left, hurting you when you were vulnerable. Maybe he could apologize to you before you leave Headquarters, at the very least, make sure you’re doing ok now.

“...and what was that between Lars and his wife last night?” Oluo says to Eld as they sit at their table. Levi’s ear perk.

“Trouble in paradise, I guess. I just saw Lars going to the stables to get his horse. He’s going to take her back to Trost and stay there a few days, I heard. They probably need it,” Eld replies.

Levi exits the canteen and goes to his office. When he looks out his window he sees you, Lars, and Gunther in the courtyard. Lars mounts his horse, then pulls you up to sit behind him. Your arms wrap around him and your head lays on his shoulder, before he finally rides through the courtyard and out the gate. There’s something so intimate in the way you cling to him, your eyes closed as you draw your body closer.

Levi sighs. You two must have talked it through and made up. That’s good, he thinks, that’s how it should be. 

At least, that’s what he tries to convince himself to believe. 

Two months go by, and when it’s time for the final expedition of the year, Levi expects to see you in your usual place at the gate, saying goodbye to Lars and then to the rest of the squad. When you’re not there, he looks around to see you talking to Lars on the outskirts of the crowd, away from the squad. He watches as he pulls you into his arms and kisses you, your eyes never straying from him as he walks away with his horse. 

When they return a few weeks later, it’s much the same. You say nothing to Levi as you head straight to Lars, scanning over his body for any wounds. It’s as if he no longer exists in your eyes. 

He feels a pain in his heart, seeing you walk away that evening, because he knows that any speck of love you had for him is gone. You’ve truly moved on.

——

Levi’s eyes were still adjusting to the bright light of the sun as he considered Lobov’s offer: infiltrate the Survey Corps and steal a document from Erwin Smith. In return they’ll gain freedom to live above ground. It was almost too good to be true, and Levi doubted they could trust this man, but there wasn’t much of a choice; he already had Yann. And they might never get another opportunity like this again.

“Farlan, Isabel - go ahead and go back down. I’d like to talk to Lobov myself.”

Farlan raises an eyebrow suspiciously. “Are you sure?” But Levi flashes a look to him that tells him it has to be done. Once they leave, Levi moves closer to the carriage and Lobov sits up a little straighter, as if nervous to know what Levi is going to ask or do.

“We’ll do this job, on one condition.” He takes out a small slip of paper with your name and address on it. “Once we’ve infiltrated the Survey Corps, you’ll give this woman free passage above ground as well. No questions asked.” Levi’s wild eyes flash at Lobov. “If I find out anything has happened to her, or if she’s harmed in any way, I will find you, and I’ll kill you myself.”

Lobov smirks. “Ah..you want your girlfriend to meet you above ground, eh?”

“No. I don’t want you to tell her anything about what happened to me or where I am. If she asks, tell her I’m dead.” Levi’s gaze darkens as he offers the paper through the carriage window.

At that, Lobov leans back and lets out a hearty laugh. “You are an interesting one, Levi. Fine, you have a deal. Bringing one woman above ground makes no difference to me.” He takes the slip of paper.

Levi walks back down the stairs but as he turns a corner, Farlan is there waiting for him.

“Why do you want her to think you’re dead?” Farlan asks, leaning against the wall.

“Because it’s best that way. She’ll have a chance at a better life if I’m not in it.”

“Levi, she’s not going to accept that, you know. Even if they tell her you’re dead, she’ll search for you.” Farlan steps in front of Levi, stopping him. “After this job, just be with her. You think you don’t deserve happiness, but you do.”

“This isn’t about what I do or don’t deserve. It’s about me getting her out of here.” He pushes past Farlan. “We’ve tried for years, with no luck. At this point it’s the only way.”

Levi and Farlan walk down the stairs, each step taking them further from the sunlight. “Besides..who knows when or if Erwin Smith and the Survey Corps will even come down here to look for us.” Levi turns to look at his friend. “But whatever happens, you’re not going to tell her anything about this,” Levi’s face suddenly softens, “..please.”

Farlan sighs and puts up his hands in surrender, walking down the final steps to the underground gate. “Fine…it’s not my place to get involved. But I don’t see you being able to live without her.”

They both walked silently back through their dark neighborhood. What argument could Levi give to that? He knew Farlan was right.

——

Winter turns to spring, then summer, and fall, and soon another year has passed. It’s gone by in a blur for all of you. You’ve been working diligently in the bakery and Mr. Meyer has even taken you on as an apprentice. You’ve discovered that you have a knack for baking and especially love making cakes and pastries. Sugar was something you had never experienced Underground, and is even still a rare commodity beyond Wall Sina. But when the bakery can get its hands on it, you delight in making intricate desserts. 

Lars and the Survey Corps have had five more expeditions, each just as dangerous as the last.  But Lars always came back to you, without fail. Things have been better between you, since that confrontation a year ago. Lars still struggles being completely open with you, but he’s making the effort; you do all you can to make sure he knows he’s loved and supported.

And that means you’ve blocked Levi out of your life completely. Since that night, you’ve not said a word to him, not even glanced an eye his way. You realized this was the only way to try and forget him and keep your heart loyal to Lars. 

And you want to be the kind of wife he deserves.

When you told Lars you might be ready to try for a child, his eyes lit up. A child meant hope, a future, and you were both ready to believe in that. “After this next expedition, we’ll have enough money saved up for some land,” Lars exclaimed one evening. “We could buy some property just outside Trost - have a garden, maybe a few chickens or goats. It’s good for a kid to be raised around animals.” 

You knew Lars would be a great father, and seeing him so excited made your heart flutter. But there was one thing weighing on your heart you knew you needed to tell him.

“Lars, I know you asked me not to bring this up again…but if we’re going to have kids, then I think you should leave the Corps.” Your heart beats fast as you tell him what’s on your mind. “I never had a true family when I was growing up in The Underground. I want to make sure our children have us both in their lives for as long as possible.”

Lars is quiet for a moment, pondering over what you’ve said. You were preparing yourself for the usual response, so when he said, “Ok,” you had to ask him to say it again, just to make sure you heard him correctly.

“You’re right,” Lars says gently, taking hold of both your hands. “I want to be a father - one who’s involved in their lives, not some memory to be reminisced over.” He cups your cheek. “In a few months, new graduates will be joining the Corps anyway, so after this expedition, I’ll hand in my resignation to Commander Smith.”

You get up on your toes and hug Lars tightly. 

Family. Hope. A future.

Three things you never thought you’d experience in your life, now well within reach. 

——

You’re cooking dinner in the apartment you share with Levi when he walks through the door. 

“Hey. Are Farlan and Isabelle coming to eat with us tonight? I think I have enough bread today.”

Levi sits down at the table with a sigh, as if the weight of the world is on his shoulders. “No, not today. I wanted it to be just us.”

You look at him and smile as you set the food on the table. “Well if I had known this was going to be just the two of us I would have bought the fancy bread,” you laugh. 

Levi doesn’t talk much as you ramble on about your day. He just leans his head on his hands, a sad kind of smile on his face. Levi never was the most talkative, even with you, but today his silence seems contemplative.  

He watches from his place at the table as you take the dishes to the sink. You’re humming a song to yourself like you always do, and he realizes that soon he won’t be sharing these kinds of mundane moments with you anymore. A lifetime shared together, soon to be over. Did he make the right choice? But it’s too late to turn back now.

He walks up behind you and wraps his arms around your waist, his forehead resting on the back of your head. 

“I love you - you know that, right?” he says, almost in a whisper.  “I’ve always loved you.”

Your heart skips a beat. All these years, knowing him as a child, a teenager, and now living with him as a young adult, he'd never told you this. But he didn’t need to: you knew. You’d always known.

You turn around to look at him, then cup his check with your hand. “Of course I know. You didn’t have to say it for me to feel it.”

You kiss him, gently at first, opening your mouth and letting your tongues mingle. His kisses become more passionate, and soon his lips are traveling down your neck to your collarbone. He has you pinned against the counter as he presses against you, your own hands moving down his back to his buttocks. 

“Levi…” is all you can breathlessly say when he lifts you up and you wrap your legs around him.

He carries you across the small kitchen to your bedroom, where he throws you down on the bed. You unbutton your blouse while he unbuckles the belt of your skirt and pulls it down and off of you. 

It only takes him a few seconds to tear your underwear off of you and his mouth is between your legs, showing you no mercy as his tongue laps at your folds. He sucks on your clit and your back arches in pleasure; your hands immediately grab his hair and your hips start moving to meet his mouth. 

With the speed and precision that his tongue moves over your throbbing sex, it doesn’t take long for you to climax. You let out a moan as you cum, but it doesn’t stop him. He laps up your juices like a man obsessed, and the overstimulation almost drives you over the edge again. He lifts his head up, wipes his mouth with his arm and starts unbuttoning his shirt.

“Take off your blouse,” he commands, as he pulls off his boots. You take it off, unhooking your bra as well and throwing it to the ground. Your vulva is throbbing already in expectation of him. When his underwear comes off, he’s immediately on top of you, his hard cock rubbing against your clit, getting you wetter than you already were. Levi could often be an aggressive lover, but there’s something different this time. There’s a kind of desperation as his lips travel down to your breasts, sucking on your nipples until you let out a small gasp.  

He sits up for a moment, already breathless, and just looks at you. “You’re so beautiful,” he says, as he takes his cock in his hand, rubbing it against your wet, throbbing sex before finally easing it in. You both look at each other and let out a moan, and then he’s thrusting into you with the same desperation he’s had since he threw you on the bed. Again and again, his hips slam into you as he grunts into your ear. You kiss his cheek and neck in between moans until he lifts himself up and cages your head with his arms. As you look into his stormy grey eyes, you thought you saw a tear run down one of his cheeks, but he starts ramming into you so forcefully that it makes your eyes close. When you open them, he’s laid his head in the crook of your neck; a few more thrusts and he pulls out to cum on your stomach, both of you breathless and sweaty. 

He lies on top of you for a few moments before he finally moves over to the side, taking you into his arms as your breathing returns to normal. 

“Y/n,” he says your name like it’s the most precious word in the world, “no matter what happens..never forget that everything I do is because I love you.” He kisses you gently and lays your head back on his chest. As you slowly start going to sleep, you thought you heard him whisper, “I love you so much…

…I’m sorry.”

–

A few days pass as usual until one early morning there’s a frantic knock at the door. When you open it, it’s one of Levi’s younger gang members.

“They’ve got him! The Military Police! They’re arresting him, Farlan, and Isabelle!” he says, breathlessly.

Your eyes go wide. “Where?”

Once he tells you the location, you bolt out of the apartment and down the street in your sleeping gown, not even bothering to put on shoes. By the time you get there, the three are being dragged away. 

“Levi!” you yell as you run towards them. A Survey Corpsman stops you and grabs you by the shoulders. You knee him in the groin and keep running until another one pins you to the ground. 

“Leave her alone! You got what you came for!” you hear Levi say as he’s pushed forward by the men guarding the stairs. 

You kick and flail until you feel something knock the side of your head. The last thing you see before you lose consciousness is Levi and the others being led up the stairs that go above ground. When you wake up, they’re gone. 

—-

Levi is riding with the rest of the Survey Corps as they make their way to Trost and his mind has wandered to the last days he was with you in The Underground. That was the first time he’d told you he loved you, he recalled. He wishes now that he’d told you sooner, more often. That he’d treasured those moments more with you, even in that awful place. Why now, of all times, he was thinking about it, he wasn’t sure. But his mind was never far from thinking about you, even after all this time, even though he’d barely seen you this past year. 

And although you always lingered in the corners of his mind and heart, he was intensely focused on his job, now more than ever. When other corps members took time off after an expedition, Levi stayed at Headquarters to train, always pushing himself to be stronger and faster. Kenny’s words from his childhood rang in his mind: “you can’t protect who you love if you’re weak.”

If he can just keep his comrades alive, if he can keep killing titans, if the Survey Corps can keep pushing forward to find answers, then maybe he can keep you safe and happy. Just like he promised long ago. 

The sound of Erwin speaking to him breaks his contemplation. “I hear this year’s graduating class of cadets shows some real promise. Perhaps we’ll be able to add some new talent to your squad.”

“The 104th? Yeah, I’d heard that too. We’ll see how many of them choose to join The Corps this spring.”

“Five years since the Fall of Shiganshina, and not another incident. Perhaps we’re finally making some headway.” Always the pragmatist, Erwin rarely made statements like this, and it surprised Levi.

“Tch, maybe, but there’s still a shit-ton of titans out there. I wouldn’t get too excited, if I were you.”

Erwin smiles. “I suppose you’re right, Levi. I shouldn’t count my chickens before they’ve hatched.”

Levi raises his eyebrow. Erwin always had some kind of dumb-ass saying he didn’t quite understand. “Let’s just make it through this expedition.” 

The Survey Corps arrives at the gate, their horses pawing at the cobblestones, eager to go. Although Levi’s squad is further back, he stays at the front with Erwin and Hange, no longer looking out into the crowd for you. He’s given up on catching your eye.

You see Levi ride by with the other officers, but you don’t look up at him. You can’t. Instead, you find Lars with his squad and when he dismounts his horse, you hold him close. 

“Just one more expedition,” he says, a gleam in his eye. His smile is bright and full of hope, just like it was when you first met. It’s contagious, and you find yourself smiling too. 

“I’ll be waiting. Keep your comrades safe, but most all, take care of yourself. Come back to me.”

“I will.” He gives you one last kiss and once the word is given from their Commander, they’re off and through the gate.

Just a few more weeks, you think to yourself, and then everything will be better.

—-

In the years since Erwin was appointed Commander, the Survey Corps has been working on an outpost near Shiganshina, while creating a supply trail from Trost. It’s been slow and arduous work, as each expedition becomes more about clearing out titan hordes than building, but Erwin hopes they can make enough progress during this expedition before the cold and snow of winter shuts everything down. 

Two weeks pass and progress is made on the road, with minimal titan interactions, much to everyone’s relief. Each squad is sore, tired, and eager to return to Headquarters, but as they ride back to Trost, Erwin notices large storm clouds on the horizon heading their way. He and his officers stop to survey the area. Heading north, the Corps is in a wide open area surrounded by a giant forest which could easily hide titans. 

“Levi, I’d like you to take your squad deeper into the forest and secure the perimeter,” Erwin directs. “That storm coming our way looks bad. We’re still too far out, so we need to set up camp before it hits.”

Levi nods and then gathers his squad. “We’ll cover the forest in quadrants and move outward. Petra, Oluo, take the south; Eld and Gunther, the west; Lars and I are the fastest with ODM gear so we’ll take the north and east.”

“Yes, sir!” the squad responds as they switch on their ODM gear and fly through the trees, going their separate ways. Lars and Levi split up in order to cover more ground and after checking their quadrants, meet up in one of the huge trees. The wind has started to pick up as the storm gets closer and a large clap of thunder shakes the tree’s boughs.

“I’ve always hated thunderstorms,” Lars says, steadying himself on a large tree branch next to Levi.

Maybe it’s because he’s been thinking and yearning for you more these days, but the storm has Levi feeling nostalgic. He looks out at the huge thunderhead clouds, streaks of lightning illuminating the oncoming darkness. “When I lived underground, I had a friend who felt the same way. The thunder was so loud down there, she actually thought it was titans coming to get her. I guess it does kind of sound like titans - maybe we should do another sweep just to make sure..”

Levi turns around to see Lars glaring at him, his shoulders tense. “You..it’s you, isn’t it?”

“The fuck are you talking about Lars?” Levi instinctively becomes defensive. The air around them both has suddenly turned oppressive and heavy. 

“That story…I know it. She told me. You were her friend underground. The one who saved her from her father, and who was able to get her here, above ground. The one she..” his hands turn into fists, “…loved.”

Levi can see Lars putting everything together in his mind. “You both lied about knowing each other. People don’t do that unless they have something to hide.”

He knows he could deny it all, try to explain it away, but the look in Lars’ eyes tells him it’s too late for that. “We’ve known each other since we were children. And we were together for a time, yes, but I hadn’t seen her since I’d joined the Survey Corps, not until you’d joined my squad. We thought it best to put the past behind us and we both chose different lives.”

“Together for a time,” Lars repeats those words with contempt. “So you were lovers?”

There’s silence. Lightning hits close by and a large clap of thunder follows. 

“…yes…” Levi confesses.

Lars’ face darkens and his breath quickens. He’s put it all together. “Do you still love her?”

Levi meets Lars’ gaze. 

“Yes.”

In a flash, Lars lunges at Levi and grabs him by his shirt collar, pinning him against the tree’s trunk. Although Lars is strong, Levi knows he could easily overpower him, but he doesn’t resist. “Lars,” he warns, “don’t do anything you’re going to regret.”

“Oh yeah? What do you know about regret, Levi? Do you regret leaving her, huh? Or that she married someone else?” His grip becomes tighter. “Have you two been fucking each other all this time, right under my nose?” 

“Enough.” Levi breaks free from Lars and pushes him backwards. “Yes, we kept our past relationship a secret, but she has been a faithful wife to you. She loves you.”

Lars laughs. “Does she, now? And what would you know of it? She talks to you often, does she? Tells you her feelings and secrets?”

Levi can see Lars getting more agitated with each question he asks. “It’s not like that with us. Not anymore.”

“But you still love her,” The rumbling of thunder is more frequent now, the wind picking up making it hard for both men to keep their balance on the large branch. “To think I admired you, Levi - I thought it an honor to serve under you. You just chose me to get closer to her, didn’t you?”

Before Levi can even respond, Lars springs toward him again and lands a punch across his face, the force of which sends both men off the branch. Instincts kick in and they send out the grappling hooks of their ODM gear, each landing on different trees.

“Lars, get a hold of yourself! You’re gonna get us both killed!” Levi yells against the wind and thunder, wiping the blood of his split lip off with his arm. “It doesn’t matter how I feel about her - she loves and is committed to you. You’re the man she chose!”

Both men realize the thunder now is louder, more erratic, as if it’s building off of itself. They look in the distant trees and see a herd of titans, heading their way and straight to the camp.

“Shit.” Levi looks at Lars. “Take the right side, I’ll head them off.”

“I know what to do,” Lars says curtly as he flies off. 

Levi sees a few abnormals in the herd and he wishes the rest of his squad were here. He shoots out a flare, hoping they and the camp will see it, then charges toward the titans. Lars has already killed one and is about to slice through another. Levi’s grappling hooks sink into the shoulders of a 15 meter and his spinning blades slice through the neck. 

“Lars, look out!” Levi yells, as Lars narrowly misses a swipe from a 10 meter. He nods at Levi and then flies around the ankles of another titan. For now, they’ve put aside their feelings - they just need to get out of this alive.

All of a sudden an abnormal jumps out of the trees. Levi is fast to press the handles of his gear to retract his wires, but one is stuck in a tree, and he doesn’t have enough time to move before the titan is hurtling toward him. “Fuck!” He grabs his blades and is ready to defend himself however he can from his position when Lars flies in between them. He cuts through the titan’s hand, but not before it catches his leg in its mouth. Lars yells out as the titan shakes him and then throws him hard against a tree. 

Levi keeps pressing the handle until it finally retracts, then he flies up and maneuvers himself behind the erratic titan. His blades cut through the large neck, and as it falls, he sees his squad riding their way. Gunther stops where Lars is lying while the others help Levi dispose of the remaining titans. When each one is dead and steaming on the ground, they all race to Lars and Gunther.

Lars’ breathing is shallow and an enormous amount of blood is flowing from where his leg was bitten off. Levi and the others surround Gunther as he ties a torn cloth around the stump in an effort to slow down the bleeding.

“He’s already lost so much blood, I can’t get it to stop,” Gunther says, in a panic.

Lars is in a daze, tears falling from his eyes onto the ground. “I..I can’t feel anything..”

Levi crouches next to Lars and looks over his body. The intense force with which the titan threw him against the tree must have broken his neck or spine. “Just hold on, Lars, you’re gonna get through this.”

Lars’ eyes move to look at Levi, his complexion becoming more sallow by the second. “Captain…” his voice shakes, “did I make a difference? Is the camp safe?”

Levi gently takes his hand. “You did, Lars. Everyone is ok.”

“Good…” Lars closes his eyes and more tears run down his cheeks. As if in prayer, he says your name, then looks at Levi again. “Take care of her. She has nobody now.”

Levi opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out. He blinks to force back tears. 

“It’s so dark…” Lars lets out a long sigh, then his chest stops moving. His head falls to the side and one final tear streaks across his face, mingling with the raindrops that have begun to fall.

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@youre-ackermine @mrsackxrman @mrsackermannx @laraackerman @midnightbarnes97 @notgoodforlife @leviismybby @levisfavoriteacup @ackermendick

#snk levi ackerman #levi x reader #levi x you #levi x y/n #levi x fem!reader #levi heichou #aot levi #levi ackerman smut #levi ackerman angst #snk fanfiction #aot fanfiction #my fics #the better man #chapter 6 #sailor's stories #sixpennydame the better man #the better man chapter 6 #the angst train #tw; alcohol #tw; ptsd #tw; death #Spotify

[shiroi---kumo]

It's only a dream || Accepting

( @aquaticsoul ) ->

 ‘ night terrors ‘

because he doesn't want pilvi to have to deal with things alone anymore

⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆ It was only a dream. It had to be because Opettaja is right here and he is alive and the white prince is setting in a bed that is not his own but it smells like all his loved ones. They are all here. Somewhere in this building, they're here and he can hear them and ...and ... and...

He doesn't know what else.

The feeling of one of His Excellency's blood red tendrils is slipping around his throat as he tries to think about it. He doesn't know if that's real either. He's dreamt of his teachers, his binds, so many times but he's never really woke to them when he sets up screaming.

That probably was hell on Opettaja's ears and he should probably apologize for that but the building doesn't smell like Gaudium even if it looks like it. Oscha could be playing another trick on him. He doesn't remember Herba coming to collect him once more. He doesn't remember breathing in anything weird or drinking anything strange but then again that was the point and even when he did, he doesn't remember.

He doesn't remember anything ... He doesn't remember... How did he end up in a room with Opettaja in the first place? All he knows is - he is in the middle of a very well built nest that is filled to the very brim of the scents of everyone he loves and that is something he can say he likes. He very much likes and Opettaja is right next to him and he can hear and smell him so clearly too.

His Excellency would never allow this. So why is he here? He saw Herba kill the man but then he - no - didn't he? The tendril is tightening around his throat as he takes the time to think. How dare he take the time to think?! He knows better. He knows and his hands are up and tugging at the blanket that is loosely wrapped down over his shoulders as the panic sets in.

Why is he fighting back? He knows better than to fight back but Opettaja is here and he doesn't want him to have to see this. He doesn't want Opettaja to have to watch him die and see the truth in his immortality.

When did he tell Opettaja he was immortal?

He must have. He doesn't remember doing it but he must have.

"I'm sorry." He sobs as hands firm on the blankets close to his throat. "I'm sorry, Your Excellency."

He doesn't even remember what he did to make the little beast so angry this time, but it was obviously something and if he didn't act soon then he was going to die and Opettaja was going to be forced to watch. Worse, Opettaja was going to be forced to deal with his corpse when he doesn't fade.

He is the only Misterican in all of history that has ever left a corpse and he can't say he cares for it. He can't say he cares for that fact at all.

"Please spare me, Your Excellency. Please."

He hates the fact his sobbing isn't fake. He hates the fact that every tear is as real as the last he does the only thing he knows how to do in this situation and that's to cry and beg forgiveness.

"Please Your Excellency." He tries again as he struggles a bit to get every crawling tendril on him off of himself but it all feels as hopeless as it ever does.

"Please, Your Excellency. Please don't make him watch this."

#meme || it's only a dream #ask || inquires of the cloud #aquaticsoul #the conductor of my symphony || aquaticsoul #tw; long post #tw; strangling #tw; night terrors #tw; nightmares #tw; panic #tw; hallucination #tw; ptsd #tw; panic attack #tw; begging #tw; abuse #tw; death

[ssolessurvivor]

While he absolutely loves the holidays and the snow, sometimes it can just get to be too much. All the family over at the cabin a lot, the quiet of the snow, the cold seeping in through the windows. One would say a trigger can't be something so calm and tranquil.

But that's exactly what the trigger is. It's too quiet. Always too quiet. All he can hear in his head is their screams as he made it too late to hold them, the cold of the station plummeting even colder with the windows having been shattered: the ice crystals on the windows in the morning remind him of that.

Logan isn't one to verbally lash out at anyone, but he's close. Grinding his teeth, that muscle in his jaw popping out and burning with the exertion of the repetitive motion. Hands snake through his hair and tug idly, trying to feel the pain to ground himself, to bring him back out of his head, out from under the claws of his demons threatening to rip him apart all over again. And again, and again.

#open #the rarity of an open and it'll probably get deleted later #oh well : mutuals only please <3 #tw; ptsd #tw; trauma

[terrence-silver]

Terry comes home one evening from a day working at dynatox and teaching karate at the dojo. He wasn't able to find his black cobra kai hoodie though. He sees beloved in his home office ,in his chair, wearing the missing hoodie ." Oh I love this scent of his," he hears beloved say . Terry's reaction to this in different eras, let's say he visited John at the dojo as twig and came home from "teaching" Daniel in the 80s, as well as old man Terry's usual day.

Oh, oh, I do have thoughts about that hoodie specifically!

---

Maybe after John talked down to him and effectively triggered his trauma with recollections of landmines and soldiers who don't follow his lead stepping on them, Terry associates that damn hoodie with some pretty bad feelings, which is understandable. He looks at it and he envisions the boys in their squad having their legs blow off in front of him. He sees it as a weakness and he feels foolish. Like an old idiot, wearing merch. A clown. He's a clown, clown, clown. He wants to ram his fist into the wall. He wants to burn it, bury it, rip it apart. Never dress like a mascot ever again. But, he can't bring himself to do it immediately and he loathes himself for it, for having this limitation in the first place, because he associates Cobra Kai and all things pertaining to it, yes, even a silly, nonsense black hoodie with a logo print on it, to decades of friendship, to John, to all the good moments, and so he'd rather just...have the damn thing disappear right about now, with this new context involved. Feels sullied somehow. Maybe he should...literally just pay someone to discard of it for him like it is mere roadkill in front of his mansion's gates? No...he should get rid of himself. It is his roadkill. His gates.

Regardless, with him leaving it out on some chair, beloved slides into it.

He finds them huddled into it comfortably, saying how they enjoy the scent --- his scent --- having worn a piece of clothes he has such conflicting feelings about and which he'd rather have evaporating out of existence alongside his own vulnerabilities. Should he tell beloved what happened? Oddly enough, he yearns to, but he also doesn't want beloved disliking his Captain, when not even he himself dislikes him, feeling only just betrayed. Yet, now he's envisioning beloved's limbs torn off by a frag grenade but he pushes it down, reminding himself of discipline. He might just blow off his own tensions by peeling the hoodie off of beloved and having them on the spot. The damn rag on the floor, forgotten, when he takes it off it off them. Once he's comfortably spent and beloved's knocked out and dozing off he just...finds himself looking at the hoodie like it is contagious, picks it up, tosses into the dojo's newly installed recycling machine that just scraps down the fabric to smithereens. Gone. Over. It is done. He watches the whole process with morbid fascination, unable to blink. He could've thrown a baby fawn in there and it would hurt less. When beloved wakes, they look for the thing, but they never find it.

Terry Silver pretends to be none the wiser.

He convinces them that THEY misplaced it and they believe him, but truth is ---

He doesn't want that crap on their skin because he keeps imagining them dying.

It being his doing.

#terry silver #kk3 #cobra kai #john kreese #terry silver x reader #terry silver x beloved #tw; ptsd #tw; wartime trauma #old man terry

[avilionea]

@cannotfly (JOHANNA)

Laurie had been on edge all day. His usual outgoing and rather jovial self was replaced with irritability and a rather cross exposition.

He had been looking over his shoulder for most of the day, his calm replaced with an uncharacteristic anxiety.

it was when one of the maids dropped her serving tray that he finally snapped. The loud clatter of the silver tray against the hardwood only enhanced the china shattering as it too slipped off the tray and onto the floor.

His behavior, had he been in control of himself, would not have been as explosive. He had been convinced there was gunfire. He was certain he was fighting again and not in his home.

Now, he'd hole himself up under one of the old beds in an even older guestroom. Laurie laid flat on his back trying his best to catch his breath. he couldn't breathe and his heart felt like it might pound up his throat. If it beat any harder it surely would jump from his mouth.

Under the bed it was dark. Under the bed it was quiet. It felt safe there. He was trying to be safe. Mr. Brooke sat on a chair out in the hall, just to be safe while the doctor was sent for, but it would take time for him to get there.

#cannotfly #c; laurie #V:? #tw; ptsd #tw; flashbacks #tw; civil war mention #just in case

[kyuusou]

Izumi suffers from PTSD, and very often she has nightmares of Itachi closing in with his Mangekyou Sharingan. He looks exactly like this in her nightmares. Even though he didn’t look at her like that when he actually put her under his Tsukuyomi. Her fear for his eyes created a version of Itachi in her head that haunts her.

#tw; ptsd #izumihc

[smolcuriouskitten]

Trying something new...

It was 1977 and Rockelle was alone as always in her home. She can't remember the last time she went outside, as she was still fearful from the events with Ramondas and her husband, no ex husbands death. Trying to occupy her mind and pass the time, she spent the bulk of her time studying magic.

God that word alone left a sour taste in her mouth. Even with him dead and most of those scars healing, she could feel the after effects from what he did and god damn her skin would crawl. Simple tasks such as bathing or cooking would always bring back unsavory memories. She could almost hear his disapproval with everything she did. Eggs not cooked well, too many wrinkles in the shirt, and there was a speck of dust on the ceiling fan.

Trying to break that cycle of remembering the terrible things, she focused on perfecting her craft. She will be damned if something like that happened again. She had remembered her sister brought over a new vinyl for her to listen too. Maybe music would help to silence those unsavory memories temporarily.

She looked down at the vinyl for more information. It was brightly colored, which caught her eye, and the title had the name of the band. MAZE. She knew her sister wouldn't steer her wrong, so she delicately put the vinyl on the record player and adjusted the needle. Listening to the first song, she closes her eyes and focuses on the beat and vocals.

Very pleasant to listen too. It helped to silence her mind for a moment which was all she needed to perfect this spell. A simple object moving spell. Closing her eyes and focusing her attention to make the purple glowing ball appear in her hand, her attention was brought to the next song. The beat was intoxicating and it made her hips sway along with the beat. Opening her eyes, she was amazed to see the little ball still present in her hands.

It took her weeks to focus on this alone so she wasnt gonna lose it. Her hips swaying and her feet moving to the beat, she pushes the ball to a book across the room, which the aura captures in its hold. Oh god its happening. Dont lose focus, just move it from the shelf and put it down. She found herself singing along, the book seeming to dance around the room to her, then it was placed on the table in front of her.

Happy feelings, exactly what she was feeling. She began to hop around the room and dance, happy that she was finally able to do the spell. She kept moving onto other objects, until she moved most of the objects from the bookshelf to her table. All the while, she sang along with the song, feeling empowered and guided by the joyous sound filling her ears. She could hear her mother cheering her on with this little accomplishment.

Its always the little things that make her happy.

#i think too much; {dabbles} #{Im starting a new series where I make little blurbs around Rockelle and her evolution as a person!} #{this one is a test to see the results on how it does! this can be a series of you guys want!} #tw; ptsd #tw; abuse mention #tw; death mention #Spotify

[lostmf]

#sadnees #tw depressing thoughts #depressing shit #i'm sad #depressing life #tw depressing stuff #quotes #childhood trauma #poetic #childhood #childhood ptsd #childhood truama #child abuse #tw selfhate #self h@rm #truamacore #kill my thoughts #kill my feelings #complex ptsd #how could you #just cptsd things #scribbles #are you proud of me #daddy issues #this is a cry for help #family #abandoned #ptsd #i hate my existence #wound tw

[rainywhispersblog]

#actually borderline #bpd feels #bpd mood #bpd problems #bpd thoughts #bpd vent #actually bpd #borderline personality disorder #depressing shit #living with ptsd #tw bpd vent #tw self destructive behavior #tw depressing thoughts #tw depressing stuff #tw depression #actually ptsd #childhood trauma #trauma #borderline things #borderline thoughts #sad thoughts

[righteousmandownunder-a]

“Your heart is pounding.”

Angst starters tw; ptsd

Looking down at his hands and seeing them shake, Dean balled his hands up tight until he was white knuckled, his dull nails digging into the palms of his hands. The man took deep breaths, trying to calm his racing heart down. It was just a nightmare. That was all. Just a nightmare about his time in Hell and the screams of the souls that were being tormented still echoed as clear as day in his head.

"I'm fine." he breathed out after a long moment of silence between the two of them.

#☠ₙₒ Cₕᵢ𝒸ₖ Fₗᵢ𝒸ₖ ₘₒₘₑₙₜₛ ┊┊.「Dₑₐₙ ᵣₒₛₛ Wᵢₙ𝒸ₕₑₛₜₑᵣ」 #cheaburi #tw; ptsd

[gh0stgirl-hotline]

Born to love cursed to be unlovable

#tw bpd vent #tw bpd #bpd #actually bpd #bpd thoughts #tw ptsd #tw trauma #ptsd #love #heartbreak #actually cptsd #actually borderline #boarderline personality disorder

[to0needy]

i thought i was gonna be dead before i turn 18 and now im 24 and have no idea what im doing with my life

#borderline #borderline personality disorder #borderline thoughts #bpd #bpd vent #actually bpd #tw ptsd #actually ptsd #bpd feels #bpd thoughts #tw depressing thoughts #depressing shit #tw depressing stuff #bpd shit #bpd problems #bpd mood #bpd stuff #text

[shiroi---kumo]

Royal Knights of His Majesty || Accepting

Send    ‘ you’ll have to get through me first… ‘    for my muse’s reaction to yours stepping in and defending them from someone they’re scared of

@flameleads is growling:

"You’ll have to get through me first." [ because Roy said so ]

There had been a small bit of a squabble when the Amestrian Colonel came to learn what he had been doing all this time. It wasn't that the Misterican had been keeping the nature of his activities from the man out of ill will but more because he did not want to cause the man anymore turmoil that he had already been feeling and he also did not want to bring anyone else with him because of his airborne nature.

It was just simpler to search from the skies when he did not have to worry about what was happening on the ground, at the same time. Black Wind would have been the only suitable searching companion, but this wasn't adding to their on going search for Chaos so - so that wouldn't have been a productive conversation either. 

So now he finds himself walking through the first town they've seen for at least a day. Cid had been gracious enough to give him more time on that blasted timer since this time he was out with company but there had been a long talk between the Misterican and the Mechanic about staying aware of his surroundings, keeping his head down, if he feels unsafe for any reason they are to return immediately without hesitation. 

There had been a groan and a sigh from the prince in question to ultimately he had agreed to the commands. Eversti was adverse to flight, so that meant they were stuck on foot with only the supplies the swordsman's travel bag could carry. He didn't know how long they would be out this time but he can't imagine that Eversti would want to return before he found some kind of information on his children. 

This village was much like others he's visited in this patchwork world. Nondescript buildings surrounded by nondescript people. A girl of blue hair, and young but still an adult looking in age made eye contact with him when they entered so he only looked to offer her a smile even with hidden lips. 

Her head was snapping away as quickly as it could until his voice chimes.

"Excuse me, Miss? Can you help me for a moment?"

And pink eyes only widen as her face pales and the woman finds herself practically frozen in place. 

"L-L-Lord M-M-Makenshi." Her voice shakes in the same way a leaf would when the wind rustles through the trees. "What an honor it is for you to grace us with a visit today." 

His face grimaces when she speaks as his shoulders raise in his tension only to fall again in defeat seconds later. His hands raise up, flat as if to stop her trembling without touching her.

"This is entirely unnecessary.  I just need a bit of your help, if you would be so kind."

"Ah - I - Of course My Lord, whatever you desire." 

"You really don't need - It's fine. I just need to know if you've seen any children recently that don't belong to the town. Humans. One would have yellow looking hair and dresses in red. The other tall and in a suit of armor.  Have you seen anyone matching these descriptions?"

Her head shakes quickly as her arms stay folded with her hands close to her chest.  The fear in her eyes made plain as she looks at him.

"N-n-no My Lord. No one. No one has come through the village for several days, but I can't claim to pay proper attention to all who cross these parts. Fo-forgive me for not being more useful."

He's sighing again as she sounds and waving a hand in the air as if to dismiss whatever wrong doings she thinks she's committed.

"That's quite alright. Thank you for your time. "

He can hear the man behind him groaning and as he turns to face his companion there are words he doesn't know if he's quite ready to deal with at the present moment.

"When we met, you told me to call you Makenshi. Not Lord Makenshi. Why do these people call you that?" The Amestrian inquires.  "What's more... they're terrified of you."

There is no motion to turn around and face the man. There's no motion to stop as he simply starts walking again instead of answering his question.

"That's not... important. We need to focus on finding any information we can about your sons before Cid's blasted alarm goes off and checks in on us."

He's still not stopping, and the only other motion the Misterican makes is to lift his left wrist where the mechanic's invention lives and he shakes it as if to draw attention to it instead of him.

The dark haired man's eyes are narrowing on his companion as he speaks again. 

"I'd say that's pretty important. People don't tend to want to help someone they're afraid of. That, or they'll be too busy panicking to remember anything. So, what's the story?"

But the Misterican fails to turn once again and continues to keep walking. They don't have time for this right now. Cid might have given him more time this round but the blond was still checking in on him regularly to make sure progress was being made or seeing if they could do anything on their own end should useful information come about, so the words 

"I will explain it all later. We need to focus on the task at hand." 

are all that leave the Light's Unlimited, causing him only to stop in his tracks when he can hear the man's body practically shift and become ready to fight back.  Misterica's heir does the only thing he can think to in that moment and that is to turn on his heel and he swings his arm snapping his right hand clearly in front of the younger man's vision as if to pull his attention straight to him. 

His voice raises and he yells "Focus. Do you want to find your sons or not?"

But obsidian eyes are burning. Burning like Brother's fire and he can feel their heat rolling in his direction. He can't say he much cares for it either. 

"I am focusing on the task at hand. We won't get anything out of these people if they're afraid. I know that for a fact."

There are eyes on them now and he can feel the village's gaze fix on his person from his back to his front. They're making a scene and now this village is fixated on the ghastly intruder that has crossed into their sacred land. 

"Well I can't change that, so just keep moving." The annoyance is growing in a tone that is normally so very gentle as jade eyes narrow down and his nose wrinkles from behind his mask. 

"He's angry."   

                   "Oh no. That poor man."  

                                                                               "That's Lord Makenshi isn't it?" 

                "It sure is. That poor fool's spoke his last line." 

"No one escapes the devil's wrath."

                                                  "Children go inside. You don't need to see this." 

    "Only an idiot would raise their voice to  one of the Lords of Gaudium." 

                               "Especially of all of them - him." 

It's then that the Amestrian's eyes burn hotter than ever before as he bellows

 "You think I don't want to find them? Do you know how agonizing it is to not know if they're alive or not? I told you already that I lost my son once. I've been nothing but forthright with you. Can you say the same?"

The town fills with the sounds of small gasps and doors closing. There are as many people fleeing the streets as there are now staring at the man in white waiting to know what he'll do next. What will Lord Makenshi  -  

"I have told you what was relevant to finding your children and getting you and your people home. That's what matters here. Returning you to your Amestris! So stay focused!!" 

The masked man's voice echoes as he meets the Amestrian's passion in kind and doors slam all around them. 

"This is the end."

 "Surely Lord Makenshi is going to kill that man." 

"Get the children off the streets. They don't need to see what is about to happen!" 

  "That boy. He dresses in white."

 "That devil no doubt." 

                                         "Are you a fool? that's Lord Makenshi"

 "Lord Makenshi?! Why would he be here?!" 

                               "You know if he shows in your town then everyone is doomed." 

"We've done nothing to anger Gaudium why would he be here." 

                                                                    "Lord Makenshi truly is the white devil." 

                                        "We're all going to die."

               "Keep your voice down, they say he has the ears of a demon." 

       "Because he is one." 

                   "Oh how have we been scorned by God to deserve this."

                                                       "We're all going to die because of that human!" 

And that was when the volcano erupted.  Everst's voice ringing loud to encompass the space around them. 

"I am. No one's going to talk to us if they're afraid." He gestures to the closed doors. "I can't be much help if I don't have more information." He's pinching the bridge of his nose. "Please, just give me something to work with so we can at least get through this town." He pauses only to glare further. 

"Or, am I really going to die because I pissed you off?"

He's been listening. Eversti has been listening to the space around them and he can hear doors slamming and a mixture of footsteps scattering and marching. He can hear so much going on at once that he can't answer.  He can't answer as his hands raise to cover his ears as he feels his body shake from the fool of emotions that are rushing his system faster than he has a chance to process -  

Marching.  It's a little further off on the edge of town.  He can hear marching.  The organized sound of boots against the dirt. 

                                         "Search the town. Leave no stone unturned." 

               "If we can bring our God, Lord Makenshi then surely he'll reward us." 

"I don't care if you have to burn it to the ground - no one leaves this town until we find him." 

                                                "Spread out." 

His breathing is picking up by the second as his mind fills with static. It's happening. He's caught. He's caught if he stays here too long and he can't fight inside the town. He can't give these people more of a reason to hate him then they already do. He's panicking as his head darts up and his hands fall away from his ears. 

He's looking in one direction and then the opposite as if to check to see if he can spot any of the opposing threat. His incoming captors if he's not careful.  They won't - they can't harm the town if he's not in it.

"They're here." He states frantically,  looking at the Amestrian with a wild look in his eyes. "They found me."   

The man in white looks as if he could be spooked by his own shadow before he turns away from his companion and runs.   

"We've never met."   echoes back from his trail as he forces himself into what is left of the crowd in the streets, only to weave in and out of buildings and back alleys until he can find himself coming to forest on the outskirts of town. 

There's no time to look back. He'll find Eversti again once he knows the coast is clear but he cannot let Gaudium take them both.  He cannot let Gaudium harm Eversti or the town.  So his left hand is flying up to his left ear, thumb pushing against the button along the bottom while he sounds out trembling. 

"Cid? Cid?  Cid can you hear me? Cid are you there? Cid answer me! Cid answer me! It's - It's Gaudium.  Cid answer me! It's Gaudium and they're on my trail. Cid! Cid I need Black Wind! Cid you have to tell Black Wind! Please Cid! Cid Answer me!"

'Why would anyone answer you, Little Cloud? You think they're your friends? I told you once and I'll tell you again. The people of this world don't care for you. They never have and they never will. That dog can't save you either. Why do you beg for someone who cares nothing for you?'

He can't be hearing this right now. He doesn't have the time. He needs to get away from the town. He needs to get away from the town so should they find him, they can't make the people of that village page for his disobedience.

Just like so many had in the past.

So many forced to pay his debts.

So his mask is flooding back as he lets his steps slow. His heart is doing no such thing, but his feet come to halt nonetheless. He needs to focus. He needs a way to run. He needs a way to get away unseen, so he needs to act like the Misterican he is and make himself some form of cover.

Quivering lips are parting as he lets himself exhale. One long and deep exhale to allow a rolling cloud of thick white to leave him. It floods through the trees, covering the ground to swallow all in it's path. This should buy him some kind of time. This should - give him some kind of advantage. At least this way they wouldn't be able to see and even if they could - it wouldn't be as well as he could. Not with his Mist in play.

No, his ears were far too sensitive for that.

He just needs to hide long enough until his soul's breath takes effect and puts them all to sleep. He just needs to wait for -

"This isn't going to work."

"If you think you can wait us out in your little cloud, you're wrong."

"We just want to talk, My Lord."

"His Excellency would just like you to return to him."

"If you can do that, this won't need to get ugly."

"There's no need to go to such extremes, Lord Makenshi."

' Little Cloud. Little Cloud, don't ignore me. You know if you don't come home soon, then more of Wonderland will die. You can hear it too, can't you? Our beautiful song? You know they all die for you. Just for you, My Precious Little Cloud.'

The voices of his pursuers are mixing with that monster's within his mind. If they get their hands on him they'll take him back to Anarchy. They will take him to that beast and - if that monster gets his hands on him again then - then - then - Oh he can feel himself growing sick while the images of Black Wind's corpse fill his mind.

He has to hold his hands over his mouth to stop himself from making any form of noise. Back pressed against a tree trunk, he feels like his heart is beating with the ferocity of a thousand war drums. He can just kill them. He could just slaughter them all but if he does then what will that say to the people of this town and what will it say to Eversti?

Killing them all would be so easy and he can feel that beast wrapping around him from the corridors of his mind and urging him to do so. It has become such a thoughtless motion in recent years. It wouldn't cost him more than a couple of minutes to strip these men of their entrails but doing that would - doing that wouldn't be right.

He isn't supposed to kill unless he doesn't have any other choice. Lady Tiamat would be ashamed that he even considered doing so... but ...

Finally does he find enough composer in himself to pull his hands away from his face and swing around to look for the men hunting him. He can hear them for the most part. He can hear leaves crunching under thick boots and as he squints through the Mist that's when he catches sight of one of them enough to notice the state of his mask - a - he's wearing a mask.

He's wearing a damnable face mask! They came prepared for this! They came prepared to take him in at any cost.

"We'll make you a deal, My Lord. Come with us and we won't take it out on the town."

"Refuse us and the town burns to the ground. "

"The White Devil takes another town tonight or you come with us and no one gets hurt."

"But what do you care about a few hundred lives?"

"You've slaughtered thousands in the name of His Excellency, haven't you?"

"So come out here and we won't hurt you or the town."

"We know you've sided with the Black Wind."

"His Excellency is most disappointed."

"It's time to return home, Lord Makenshi."

They're right. They're right and he knows it. They're right and he knows he can't run anymore. If he just gives himself up and goes back to that beast.

If he goes back to that beast then he's going to die.

How many times?

It's better if he's the one that dies than the town -

It's better if he's the one that dies than if Eversti were the one to get -

There's a sigh of defeat and he can already hear Black Wind cursing him in his mind. He can hear the Windarian cussing rolling off his Other's lips as he allows his body to float out from the position he was hiding in, hands raised to either side of his head.

He got away once, he can do it again. He got away ....with Black Wind's help. He'll be furious but he'll come for him. He just has to believe that Black Wind will come for him again. For the sake of that village, he can't risk doing anything foolish and -

"That's right. We only want to talk, My Lord. It's time to go back to His Excellency."

A man appears behind him, grabbing his wrists and pulling them down behind his back.

"On the ground." He demands and the Misterican obeys allowing his feet to sink to the ground. He can feel his captor working to tie his wrists behind his back and it takes everything in him to resist the urge to shake the man off of him. It takes everything in not to flip the man to the ground then and there only to summon the Maken to his aid.

He doesn't need his hands to defend himself and they will learn this in the grimmest way possible if they cross him and harm the town outright. There's nothing else to do here and he just has to trust that Black Wind will come -

"You’ll have to get through me first."

A voice roars through the forest, echoing all around him like a grand dragon declaring war upon on all that stand in it's path. There are those same burning obsidian orbs glaring darts in his direction, but this time they aren't looking at him.

This time he could have sworn the Amestrian was trying to burn the man behind him to ASH.

#ask || inquires of the cloud #meme || knights of the king #flameleads #arc: amestris no more #v; jaded king #//All of Mustang's speech is written by Kai - we talked this out on Disco #tw; long post #tw; ultimatiums #tw; gaslighting #tw; PTSD #tw; panic #tw; panic attack #tw; arguing #tw; fighting #tw; threats #tw; mental illness #tw; death #tw; murder

[ssolessurvivor]

 night terrors .   hold  my  muse  after  they  wake  up  from  a  nightmare . from Dany

memes - always accepting! - @incissam

There weren't many quiet nightmares, but tonight it seemed to be that way. The movie reel behind his closed eyelids, it was fairly nonviolent but still entirely haunting. The falling of soot in the air, landing like flecks of acid in his hair, the pile of bodies beside him in various stages of decay.

His friends. And strangers. When he had to be with them.

The way his body twitches, he's barely aware of it, of his voice when he says their names, he doesn't know he's murmuring it aloud in Dany's bed. His breathing comes shaky and stilted, maybe even a cough here or there from the ash stuck in his throat from the bombs, and it carries over. His fingers twitch on his gun when he hears a twig break, and those fingerprints dig into the blanket, his head shifts against the pillow as he watches only the weight of the bodies snapped it.

Only when he opens his eyes, slowly, though the intake of breath which awoke him is sharp and subdued all the same, Dany's there, holding him in her arms even though he's sweating. Even though he's shivering, and his hands come to rub his face with an exhale against his palms.

"I'm sorry." It's muffled against his palms but he eventually moves them, taking a peek at her with worried, bloodshot eyes. "Did I wake you up?"

#incissam #v; dany's #answered ask #tw; ptsd #tw; death #tw; nightmares #Q

[terrence-silver]

Do you think that if Terry had met Beloved after Vietnam, when he was still twig, that would have affected the personality and lifestyle he had in the 80s? I mean, there's a good chance he's already a father, or at least wants to be a father, which would already be a change in the playboy lifestyle he had, but how much would the beloved's presence affect his life and his psychological?

I mentioned this in the past, but I don't think Twig's Vietnam trauma changes or disappears just because he's committed or has a mellow, wholesome domestic life. It is still very much present and always will be, as is the case with PTSD; that being said, loving and being loved, truly loved, throughout your ailments, mental illness and difficulties is a blessing and I think that in the long run, deep down, Terry with a beloved, with a family, with, say, a legacy, could even grow to become a more of a volatile and unpredictable person than we've ever seen him be. Why is that so? Because he's people he can lose, beyond his own control. He's emotionally invested and compromised to the bone. Because when you have a genuine support system, a community of people who are yours in the literal sense and who know you, care for you and if you had that for decades, paired with Terry's innately possessive and sadistic tendencies, imagine what would've happened if someone just...dared hurting anyone he loves? Dared looking at them the wrong way? Love always comes with the possibility of loss and the possibility of loss makes him into a ticking time bomb that could go off any second, for any reason.

Of course, Terry is ecstatically happy.

A happier person. In ways, healthier through it.

But, in equal measure, Terry is even more dangerous. Dangerous because he feels, possibly fuelled by the same trauma he brought back home, there's always that mere possibility of an existential threat that someone or something can steal, disrupt or destroy his happiness. After all, all it took was a gunshot to the head of his friend to change the trajectory of Twig's whole life. That, and the buzz of a mishandled radio station. True love and actual connections are hard to acquire --- oh, so easy to lose.

#terry silver #terry silver twig #kk3 #cobra kai #terry silver x reader #terry silver x beloved #fluff #angst #tw; ptsd #tw; vietnam #tw; mental illness

[a-sip-of-milo]

It's always infuriated me hearing people say that children have it easy. It's only gotten worse as I've gotten older and have been able to reflect on my childhood and see the children around me grow up.

They do not have it easy. They don't get a say in most important things. They're seen is unintelligent, yet expected to understand things that full grown adults struggle with.

They've got a job, which is school, that is actually proven to not be working for a lot of them; myself included. They're expected to sit still and in silence for at least forty minutes at a time, and those with ADHD are treated as though they're immature and lazy because they often physically can't do it.

Far too many of them have abusive parents that lie through their teeth to make people think everything is fine, and of course, who would believe the child over the parent?

Aspects of abuse has been normalised. Parents are sympathised with when children open up about the things they've gone through, especially if they're not physical. They're told that their parents are only doing this because they love them, or that the child needs to start seeing things from their point of view. Meanwhile, adults can freely complain about their children on public forums and to friends and family and get away with it because "it's hard being a parent".

Fuck off and do better.

DNI Believers of narcissistic/borderline/anti-social/histrionic abuse.

#child abuse #tw child abuse #adhd #actually adhd #childhood ptsd #childhood memories #tw childhood abuse #narc abuse does not exist #npd safe