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#tw; mental health
sioraiocht · 15 days
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//Consider this a hiatus announcement for this blog, not sure how long for. More details under the cut but tw for mental health things:
I'm currently in the process of coming off my antidepressants and I'm experiencing these severe withdrawals which have just thrown me through a loop. I was on a really high dosage for 2 years and whilst I've followed the doctor's guidance, it hasn't fully worked and now I'm just a mess.
It just means I don't have the brain capacity for here currently. The only thing that I'm able to focus on is Marauders content (@messrsmcrauders) or Harry Potter related writing on discord. My head's not in a good place mentally and my body's not in a good place physically so I just need to take time away and stop trying to force myself to be here.
I just want to be transparent rather than coming on and half being here and not being a present rp partner. The queue will run out over the next week or so and after that I don't know when I'll be back.
I'm up for writing on discord but it'll probably just be Harry Potter/Marauders related content because that's my comfort zone at the moment (Along with Winnie the Pooh movies lmao). So let me know if that's something you'd like. Writing on discord is keeping me nicely distracted tbh so ty to the people who've been putting up with marauders nonsense over there so far haha
Thank you for your patience ❤️ Completely understand if you want to unfollow or drop threads. I promise I will be back, I just don't know when.
Look after yourselves ❤️
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tenderribcage · 8 months
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Update
So, I’ve been gone for about a year and a half now, and a lot has happened... 
I’ve been in and out of wards, I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar and schizoaffective disorder (aka schizophrenia with a bit of spice ✨ and I’ve lost a lot of family members along the way. I’ve been without work now for about half a year, and I’m relying solely on food stamps and what little I can scrounge together to support myself. That being said, I have a very lovely partner who has been at my side this entire time and helped me really get through a lot of what I’ve been dealing with.  Bipolar is one of the biggest struggles I’ve ever faced before, it literally encapsulates you’re entire being and throws you around like a ping pong paddle. It’s not fun, and I’m still trying to recover from my mental collapse in april, but I promise with time I’ll be back.  I just really appreciate youall being here for me while I’ve been gone. 
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xtinyslip · 5 months
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"It's a bad sign."
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gideon didn't know why he'd been dragged back to this bar but he knew he couldn't disagree with his father. it was a bad sign. this was the last place that gideon wanted to be and at the same time, it was the one place he wanted to be more than anything. still, wanting something had never gotten him shit. it was why he couldn't even bring himself to look up at his father because even after everything, gideon knew he would do anything to hear his father say those two words to him again. MY BOY. "do you know what's going on?" what any of this was? it wasn't good that was for sure. he didn't think finn would have let him see the light of day again. never mind, this bar. "... i'm not here to smash up your bar again. it won't make you see me, will it? you don't want too." @lcvenderhcze
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thegoblinboy · 8 months
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Desire
Ao3 Link
Tw; Mentions of drug use/addiction, implied child abuse, strong themes of mental issues, mention of vomit (but not in detail)
Words; 6k
Summary; Eddie Munson finds himself under the influence and alone in Steve Harrington's bathroom. Not alone for the first time, but being in Steve Harrington's bathroom was definitely a first. Dabbling in his stash he comes to the realization that he doesn't want to become his father or go down the same path as him. Only eighteen, he's scared of disappointment and failing his uncle who has saved him from himself time after time again. Feeling like he is the only one who seems to not be mentally okay, Steve Harrington decides to stumble into his bathroom proving that there are others out there like him falling apart at the seams and barely keeping it together. He finds himself not only being comforted in his struggles he also finds himself comforting Steve who seems to be dealing with something far worse than Daddy issues.
Eddie doesn't mean to. One second he's in the thick of it, the center of the party as he hands out little baggies of drugs out to anyone who would sneak a crumpled up twenty in his hand. The next he finds himself in the bathroom, the wallpaper so ugly it hurts his eyes to the point he believes that's the reason he's throwing up. Not because of the drugs that were slowly pumping through his veins, causing his head to begin spinning in a bad way as the rush hits him.
He was unsure when he decided it would be a good idea to dabble in his own stash. Before, it had always been his number one rule not to finding any other drug dealer who did foolish. Now he was a hypocrite that craved for more then the drug. The hidden desire to be like the teenagers that had been swarming around him outside of this small bathroom. He wanted to be carefree not having to worry about bills, helping his uncle keep food on the table, or for one of these drug deals to suddenly go wrong and all that his uncle had been working for, for the past decade gone down the drain.
Eddie was still young, eighteen and finally in his senior year. Almost out of this hellhole known as Hawkins. He still had a chance to turn his life around, stop selling drugs or "experimenting" and get a more stable footing. He knows that Wayne would gladly get him a spot to work at in the factory but Eddie didn't want that life. He wanted something bigger. Something out of this world. He wanted to be like Ozzy, Dio, Tommy Lee, and Gene Simmons. Not like his father. Who could barely scrape enough money to keep a roof over their heads, and apart of Eddie understands that Al Munson needed to break the law to survive. Sell stolen cars for food. What Al Munson didn't have to do though was beat the shit out of Eddie whenever anything went wrong.
Drugs.
Drugs were the most stable thing in Eddie's life. Sure, Wayne was consistent but drugs have always been there since Eddie could remember. On the counters, in his pockets as he helped his father smuggle bags across neighborhoods, and even in his own system when things didn't feel right. Feel a bit down, people tell you to smoke weed. Solve all your issues. For a while it did. It helped Eddie float by on his own little cloud up until it didn't.
The longer Eddie listened to those people the more he realized that drugs were becoming the issue. Consuming him in ways that he's only heard from those who came to talk at school. This, this was going to be the last time. Eddie was determined on that. Though he had said that the last couple of times he's been like this. He needed help and he didn't know where to go. There was of course always Wayne, but he didn't want the man to look at him like he did his father. With pity, shame, and a lot of disappointment because Eddie should know better. Especially after what happened to his father.
He should but yet here he was, groaning he lifts his head up from the bowl. His eyes stay closed as he gags a bit more when the smell of toilet water hits his nostrils again. Throwing himself back from the stench, his head hits the wall. A soft thump, loud enough to gather attention if anyone was paying attention. That was unlikely as everyone was pretty drunk right now. Letting his head slack to the side a bit he lets his vision swim around him like a horoscope. He wondered if this was how flies saw the world. If so, he doesn't understand how they weren't constantly throwing up. Then again they did eat literal shit, so tunnel vision was most likely the least of their worries.
Squirming a bit, he fidgets with himself as he tilts his head back to look up at the light. His hair falls past his shoulders as he blinks lucidly, not processing the brightness of the bulb hurting his eyes as he giggles gently feeling the high set in. The warm feeling wraps itself around him like angel wings, protecting him from the darkness that lives inside of him. Numbing him enough for him to forget that he was currently at a party. In the bathroom of Steve Harringtons' house as he blacks in and out of reality. Fighting for control for a few minutes before giving in with a soft sigh. His body going lax as he gives up.
Time was always wonky when he was like this. Five minutes felt like an hour, a minute felt like twelve, and so on and on. So, he could not tell you how long he was in there for. Barely reacting when the door opens, not a surprise as he was too busy trying to hold his vomit in to remember on locking the door behind him. His reactions slow as he blinks startled as he sees an exhausted Steve Harrington walking in. Looking just as alarmed as Eddie felt.
Looking confused Steve hesitates. Not saying anything for a second as he stares at the other dumbly, like a deer in headlights. Before he flees into action, "Parties over, need to get out Munson." he says dully. The bags under his eyes were noticeable to Eddie who frowns as he tries to process what was going on. Moving he fights to stand up, unable to do so as he makes a soft whining noise. Eyes filling with irritation and embarrassment. The first crack in the dam of the great Munson flood. Everything starts to seep out uncontrollably as he tries to hold it in, save it for later. But it's too late as his body gives in to his needs and he's sobbing uncontrollably.
The high was not worth it anymore. It used to make him feel good far longer than this, and now he felt like shit. His hands shaking as he couldn't control his body. His brain streams a spew of anxious thoughts through his head. Wayne was going to kick him out if he found out. Eddies crying, and he doesn't even know the reason why. There had been so many instances when he kept his emotions bottled that he was not sure which one finally made him snap. Made him go crazy enough to cry like a little bitch in front of Steve Harrington.
He doesn't know what's happening and that's making everything seem far scarier than what it really was. He felt the other boy, who was only a year younger than him staring at him intently. Eddie felt like he was really living up to his nickname, a freak. A freak who was currently putting a complete stranger through a very uncomfortable encounter. Eddie was supposed to be an adult, yet here he was breaking down in front of someone that was legally still a child. For some reason that thought only makes him cry more. Eddie was barely a full year older than the other and he has yet to view himself as a child. The reality that his childhood was taken away from him because of drugs setting in as tears started to run down his cheeks. His eyelashes stick to his skin as he struggles to open his eyes from feeling so out of it and from crying so hard.
Time was fucking with him again, In the back of his head he knew that the whole encounter that was happening between him and the other boy was only a few seconds long. But the drugs were telling him it was much longer than that. He's pretty sure he was going through a mid-life crisis or something. He loses himself in his thoughts more as he realizes he's no better than his father. Selling drugs to those who have perfect lives is something that should be cherished but is only going to be destroyed by Eddie's doing. He's having a come to Jesus moment, as with in the next few seconds he makes the decision to no longer sell drugs to high schoolers. It's all going by so fast in his brain that he's not sure he's going to remember his promise in the morning.
Clap!
He blinks confused as two hands slap together in front of his face, a soft buzz clogging his ears from hearing anything but the muffled slap of skin. His eyes begin to regain focus as they stare back at Steve who is still staring at him carefully. As if he was on the verge of calling nine one one at any moment. Oh, God. Why did Eddie have the worst luck that always led him into situations like these. Covered in snot, tears, and possibly puke in front of the most popular boy of Hawkins?
"Hey... hey Munson." The boy's voice seeps through the fog. It barely does but it makes itself through, penetrating Eddie's brain enough for him to finally react to the other. Who looks like he's been trying to gather his attention for a minute now. Steve's eyebrows are furrowed up in concern as his hands stay at a safe distance from the other, but stays in Eddie's personal bubble just in case. In case of what Eddie wasn't sure.
Eddie blinks at the other, barely there as he frowns a bit as he feels his body moving up, almost on its own with Steve's help. Being led to the bathtub as Steve easily moves his legs in one by one. Moving and forcing him to sit down as Steve handles him with such care that he doesn't know what to do with himself.
"What-" He slurs a little bit, blinking as he tries to talk but it felt like peanut butter was in his mouth, preventing him from doing such a task. "What are you doing?" His words come together, creating one but the other seems to understand what he was trying to ask as Steve smiles sadly at him, revealing a crack in his well pieced together image. Revealing his true nature to Eddie who was broken and drowning in his own mess in this tub.
Eddies high. Eddie is plastered, not in reality but he can tell when someone is like him. Broken. Barely holding on with a fake smile that was far different then someone who had it together. Relief hits him as he realizes he's not the only one out there. Then guilt as he felt greedy for feeling relief at the sign of the other man's pain.
"Helping you man, don't want you to die in my bathroom," Steve says bluntly in an attempt to put that image back up that he didn't care about Eddie, but it was to late it had started to shatter a little. A glimpse of something dark seeping through that Eddie caught and wanted to see more of. And he didn't want to see the pieces that Steve has horribly glued together, not the image that has been up for years now. Seemingly destroyed out of nowhere.
Whatever it was that came through those cracks was dark, dark enough to trigger a morbid curiosity in Eddie. What could have possibly happened to Steve Harrington that made him mentally age up so fast? So fast that it gave Eddie whiplash as he could of sworn that just last month the other was looking down at people like him. Shoving teenagers against lockers and calling them queer for just being true to their authentic selfs. Now he was helping out one of those "queers" and it seemed to be a total one eighty personality wise. It just didn't make any sense. Someone didn't just change out of nowhere without something happening and Eddie wanted to know what that something was.
Eddie furrows his eyebrows a bit, confused as he wonders if he was misreading what the other was doing. The other genuinely seemed more worried about him then his bathroom, even if he was trying to make it not seem that way. Was Steve Harrington actually a decent human being? Something that Eddie had deemed unbelievable as his mouth opens trying to say something. Before he can say anything Steve is starting to move into action. Deciding it better to ignore Eddie from now on as his hands move to tug at the vest and leather coat that was wrapped around his body. Not giving the other enough time to protest.
Eddie makes some incomprehensible noise from the back of his throat as he hesitantly starts to let the other slide his clothes off his body. Leaving him in his shorts and his pants as Steve crouches down to his knees. Face scrunched up on a mission as he helps the other to the best of his ability. Only contradicting his goal of making Eddie think he didn't care.
"What are you doing?" Eddie asks, feeling dumb. He felt so out of control, he hated every second of it but another apart of him was enjoying every gentle touch the other gave him. Treating him as something that needed to be protected, not something that needed to be tough-end up like his father had. His body goes limp without his permission under the others hands, secretly blaming it on the drugs as he tilts his head back a little. A dopey smile on his face as he decides to just ride the high of being touched, something that didn't come often. "If you wanted to get me to strip so bad Harrington, just had to ask." He giggles gently under his breath trying to lighten the mood a bit. Blinking a few times as well, eyelids closing a few seconds to long causing him to miss the soft laugh coming from the other boys throat. Who thankfully found him amusing instead of annoying or worst disgusting.
"Well, I didn't think you would want to sleep in your own vomit and my concious would not feel right letting you go to bed like this." Steve admits as he leans over the tub like hes done this countless times. Possibly he has, with Tommy Hagan being his best friend Eddie wouldn't be to surprised. The way Steve handles himself and the vomit covered clothes only proves Eddie's hypothesis that he has done this before. The other barely even reacts to the smell or anything as he throws Eddie's Black Sabbath shirt off to the side. Leaving the metalhead shirtless and slouching forward a bit, looking at Steve with shocked adoration the longer he sits there.
Steves hands don't go any lower then his stomach, head tilting up and to the side to look at Eddie with a soft smile. Still a bit forced but more tired then anything as he asks. "Mind pulling your pants off for me? Don't want to make you feel uncomfortable."
Steves face is now a soft pink as he begins to lean against the side of the tub. Sleep obviously working its way into his body, the sight making Eddie feel bad about keeping him up later then what he had to.
Eddie doesn't argue and forces himself to focus on the task at hand, and lifts his hips up awkwardly and begins to shimmy his pants down. Groaning as he does, revealing his checkered boxers as he tries not to get any vomit on his skin. Holding the bunched up pants together once he's done and looks over at Steve for directions. Letting the other carefully take them from him, setting it on top of his shirt as he moves and stands up again. Moving to the shower and quickly turning it on cold, all of it spraying and soaking Eddie up immediately.
"Son of a Bitch!" Eddie's voice cracks as he yelps out. Hands flying up to shield his face a bit as he feels his curls stick to his skin, along with his boxers. One hand quickly moving down to shield his crotch just in case the cloth was see through. He shakes his head a bit, water going all over as he whines loudly. Struggling to get away from the freezing water. "Harrington! I thought we had something going on here!" He yelps out as he slides around the tub like a fish out of water. Faintly hearing Steve scolding him for getting water all over the place while also laughing a little.
When the water is finally shut off Eddie feels like he has more control over himself. Still not completely as he squirms around shivering, arms crossing over his chest as he tries to curl up in himself to regain some body heat. Melting when he feels Steves much warmer hand land on his shoulder, gathering his attention as he looks up with loose tears slipping from his eyes. Making his eyes seem bigger then what they were as he looks up seeing Steve standing above him holding a glass of water that seemed to be pulled out of thin air.
No words are said as Eddies hands shakily reach out and takes the glass from him. He carefully drinks half the glass before his wet hands slip and dumps the rest all over his chest. The more sober he becomes, the more embarrassed he feels as more tears form in his eyes. Close to crying again, only refraining when he feels Steves looming presence over his shoulders. One hand carefully holding his back as the other moves down and takes the glass from him before he can hurt himself anymore. Then proceeding to set the glass down on the edge of the tub, eyes never moving from Eddie.
"I'm going to go get you some warmer clothes to wear okay?" Steve says gently, moving and pulling a fuzzy blue towel off from a rack and moves to gently wrap it around Eddie like a blanket. Eddie nods dumbly as he relaxes back into the tub. Feeling the lasting effects of whatever he has in his system dwindling and exhaustion start to take over. Causing him to melt impossibly more into the tub. Waiting as minutes slowly start to feel like minutes again as he hears shuffling coming from the other room.
His head stays tilted to the side as he smiles gently when Steve stumbles in with a pile of clothes in his arms. Who was unable to choose something for Eddie. Sweaters, shirts, boxers and sweatpants in his arms as he quickly drops to his knees with a soft thud. Looking over at Eddie with wide hazel eyes that were full of anxiety. Like he was afraid of doing something wrong.
Eddie sniffles a little as he smiles brightly, "Give me the Harrington special." He says without much thought. "Whats the most comfortable thing to wear in that jock mess of yours?" He teases as he moves struggling to sit up. Wanting to catch what the other has chosen to bring him he notices a blue striped polo along with pair of normal grey sweatpants hidden in the mess of dark colors. He could see other comfy looking sweaters and pants but the polo and grey sweats stuck out to him the most.
Steve sets the other clothes off to the side, far as possible from the vomit covered ones as he gets the new ones situated on the toilet cover. As he moves them Eddie can see a brand new pair of boxers that still had the size sticker on them.
Steve then continues and moves forward to offer Eddie a hand, who takes it happily and pulls himself up a bit wobbly. Eddie felt frozen as small little cold chills race through him, forcing his body to shake even more.
There's a brief pause as they both hold each others hand, Steve wanting to make sure Eddie doesn't fall on his face. Who then pulls his hand from Steves to move it under his armpit. Crossing his arms as he begins to feel a bit self conscious about everything. About this situation that he's forced Steve to be in to the fact that he was currently shirtless in one of the most jacked athletes in Hawkins.
His eyes begins to go hazy, drifting away from reality for a moment. Regaining focus after a moment, coming back to to see that he was staring a hole into the others floor. After a moment of breathing, questions start to fill his brain again. Trying to understand what the others goal was here.
"Why... why are you helping me?" He asks again. Still bewildered as he lets his eyes move to look back up at the other with confusion. This time Steve's eyes aren't meeting his and Eddie feels like there was more going on here. Never moving his eyes away from the others short movements, not missing the way the other seemed to be forcing himself to do everything. Like he didn't even want to be moving at all. Joints seemingly stiff as his limbs move, and if Eddie would have to guess they were probably like that from exhaustion. The bags under the others eyes a strong give away to Eddie's deductive reasoning.
"Like I said, I don't want you to die in my bathroom." Steve answers a bit shakily. Now holding onto another towel as he puts on a fake smile for Eddie, who frowns more. Not believing the other, well he did. He didn't think the other actually wanted him to die but there was some other hidden reason in there as well. One that Steve seemed desperate to not share.
Now realizing that the towel he recieved before was now crumpled up at the bottom of the tub Eddie takes the towel from the other. Beginning to dry his hair first before slowly rubbing at his skin, careful to not agitate his skin like the towels at home did.
"Don't do that." Eddie bitterly snips at the other as he casually bends over a bit to dry his legs. He doesn't mean to, but he was currently at his lowest and he doesn't want Steve to pretend to be any better then Eddie mentally. Strangely that hurt more then when  the other acted better then him just because he was a jock and had more money. It was obvious to him that the other was not okay.
"What?" Steve asks confused, eyebrows knitting together to express a simple emotion that seemed to have so much effort on his part. Mouth falling open a bit as he squints at the other as if he was struggling to see and for all Eddie knew he was. Something he quickly takes note of, for what he was unsure.
"Pretend... pretending to be doing better then me. You look like you are also on your last thread and I think its bullshit. Bullshit, that youre trying to act like this whole situation is normal when it isn't. Its painfully obvious that I'm not okay and just looking at you it seems like you aren't either so stop. Stop pretending man," Eddies eyes are filling with tears again as his words slur together. Hands moving out a bit and aimlessly pointing at the other. Never poking him in the chest as he sways on his feet a little. Shaky breathes falling from his mouth as he finds that the longer he stands there the harder it was to keep his eyes open.
Steve's reaction is unreadable as he silently hands Eddie the blue polo once he seems to be done drying himself. Eddie takes the shirt and pulls it over his head. Looking down at his wet briefs and back up at Steve who was now looking away not saying a word, holding a dry pair of boxers in his left hand. Dangling between his fingers waiting for Eddie to take them.
His silence could easily be mistaken as him being pissed at Eddie, thats what Eddie thinks at first before he realizes this was who the other was when he wasn't pretending. Shoulders sagged, head hanging to look down at the floor as he no longer puts any effort in his movement. Like he was now floating, in a similar way Eddie was. No longer fighting to stay grounded where he was as Eddie gets changed. No more words are exchanged as Eddie steps out of the tub to slip the sweat pants chosen on. Nearly stumbling and falling on his face from the lack of control over his limbs.
Smiling a bit tense as Steve is quick to catch him. Well Eddie wouldn't describe it as catching, the other wasn't putting much effort into holding him. Just allowing him to lean against him as both stay impossibly close. The contact making both of them stiffen up and back up away from each other a little. Both of them stumbling over their own feet as their eyes lift up and hesitantly meet. A conversation beginning with no words. Both of them to exhausted to speak. A different exhaustion then being physically tired.
Steve moves his head a bit, slides his feet out of the bathroom once he opens the door. Eddie follows along, no longer looking at the other for guidance. Instead he floats along with the other as they both silently walk down the dark halls of the now very silent house. Eddie was unable to see Steve that well anymore so he wasn't able to see him react to the silence or the mess that seemed to explode all over the house. Not just downstairs.
He tags along as Steve enters a room, looking over at his shoulder at Eddie who moves in with him. Confusion written all over his face as he realizes that this ugly room was Steve's. Turning his head he looks over at Steve with questions behind his eyes. Questions that couldn't be answered nonverbally as Steve begins to stutter out words. The effort of talking seemed to make him more uncomfortable then the idea of having a complete stranger share a room with him.
"I- I thought it would be better if you sleep in here with me. I don't want you falling down the stairs because I put you in the guest room that's next to the stairs and you try going to the bathroom and whoops, you've broken your neck." Steve's starting to ramble anxiously now. "and the two other guest rooms are a mess. I haven't gotten a chance to clean them so theres stuff on the floors in there and I don't want you tripping when you are like this. Plus I don't want to leave you alone when you are not sober just in case you accidentally overdose or something."
The words are pooling out and swimming around Eddies head. None of the very obvious excuses sticking as Eddie simply nods deciding not to question the other anymore or else he was going to get a headache. Lets the other live behind another image as he moves and flops himself down on the bed. Letting the silence fall over them again as he accepts his fate of sharing a bed with Steve Harrington, who seems eager to have someone else with him.
Eddie turns his head a bit and watches the other curiously, the other starting his bed time routine when he realizes that Eddie was no longer going to question him. Steves shoulders have grown tense as he pins his curtains up against the wall allowing the moonlight to fall in and brighten the room up. Casting more shadows along the room that the other seemed to hate a lot as he turns a light on to see better. Moving and taking what seems to be a starwars night light and plugging it in. If it hadn't seem to be to much effort, Eddie might have laughed. But as he looks at the other more, really looks at him he decides that if he could laugh he wouldn't.
There was something very wrong with the boy and Eddie couldn't place what. His first guess was that the other was afraid of the dark. Watching intently as Steve moves around the room, avoiding any dark area that the light didn't meet. Now closer to his closet as his hands move and shut the doors, right before he is running a hand through his hair. A nervous fidget possibly. Now if Eddie wasn't high, and thinking logically he probably wouldn't want to share a room with the other. Actually he would be home right now.
Though apart of him was happy he was here as he notices that Steve seems to have grown frozen. Body stiff as he stares down at the floor, eyes glazed over again. He doesn't look like he's here in reality anymore and he was the sober one. Which now that Eddie thinks about it, is a smidge weird considering the fact the other had been the host of the party.
Eddie doesn't say anything, let's the other be until his concern starts to grow. The other could possibly be having a seizure, he has seen someone have one similar to this. Just staring off with out realizing it. Eddie wouldn't be shocked if the other had them, after being hit in the head so many times between sports, Jonathan Byers and Billy Hargroves fists.
Eddie forces his body up off the bed, hearing the loud creak of the bed that seems to trigger Steve back into the real world leading to a very understandable anxiety attack. Steve's body shakes, hands squeezed into pale fists and chest heaving forward and back as he struggles to breathe. Head tilted and looking over at Eddie like he wasn't real. Stepping back as his back hits the wall. He doesn't seem like hes fully there as Eddie moves closer.
Steves hands fly up in the air as he starts to plead something. Eddies gut drops as this wasn't normal for a seventeen year old to be doing. There was something terribly wrong and Eddie doesn't know if he can help.
"Steve, Steve!" He yells trying to get him to come back to him. The others tears were overwhelming Eddie and it was making Eddie uncomfortable. Watching someone who has been perfect his entire highschool career seemingly snapping. "Its me, Its Munson. We are in your room about to go to bed man." Eddie is trying his hardest not to yell again. Not enjoying the way the other flinches back. Reminding him of himself when he first moved in with Wayne.
Something was off and Eddie wasn't sure if he wanted to know what if it made the other look like that.
So afraid and lost.
Eddie doesn't move much closer to the other, staying in the spot he stood to afraid to trigger the other more. Steves body is spasming awkwardly as his eyes stay glossed over, the bags underr them growing bigger right under Eddies concerned watch. The other was shaking, breathing coming in gasps before Eddie says fuck it and stumbles forward. Regretting his decision of getting high. But if he hadn't he wouldn't be here right now. Moving and pulling the other into a hug.
They were both two complete strangers, gripping onto each other once they realized that this was something they both needed. Steves still shaking as he hides his face in Eddies shoulder. Eddie is melting and not trying to put armor up to toughen up for the other. Instead he melts, and gives in as they become a puddle of tears. Both not okay as they stay like that for who knows how long.
Steve pulling back as his eyes grow wide, he seems to be there more then what he had been. "I am so sorry." He stutters out.
Eddie smiles tightly at the other, trying to act cool. Trying to be the rock of whatever fucked up situation they were in. But after a moment of trying he decides to follow his advice from earlier and not pretend as his smile quickly drops. "No don't me." He says gently. On his knees now as his eyes look at the other with curiosity.
He was watching in real time as the other starts to rebuild his walls. Starts to pull back from Eddie, literally and figuratively as he stands. Looking anywhere but Eddie as he sniffles, rubbing his eyes a bit. Eddie's mouth opens to ask the other questions, a light noise leaving his throat before he snaps his mouth back shut when his eyes meet the others cold, dull eyes. If this wasn't a messed up situation Eddie possibly would have made a joke about being on his knees in front of Steve. But instead he forces himself up, letting the other drag him along whatever cloud that he has been living on all by himself. Blinking and one second he's standing at the closet, the next he is laying back in the others bed.
Ignoring the way the others body shake and it wasn't from being cold. The room was hotter then Texas's balls, Eddie could barely have the others sheets wrapped around him because of it. The lights now all off, with the exception of the night light. But by the others actions Eddie wouldn't be to surprised if the other didn't leave his lamp light on also most nights. From the way he was taking shaky breathes to the way he squirmed around uncomfortably Steve Harrington was afraid. Of what, was the unknown part to Eddie. A mystery.
Eddie was high trailer trash who couldn't even help his father when he needed him most, or himself as he drowns in emotions. How was he supposed to help Steve Harrington? He's lost in his thoughts for what seems like forever. He could slowly feel the effects of what he took dwindling, eyes growing heavy. He knew the other was still awake, his body was still shaking and he tapping his fingers against the sheets like the rhythm calmed him.
Eddie would blame it on the drugs in the morning when they wake up tangled together. But for now he doesn't care as he carefully shifts over to the left side of the bed. Feeling pity for the other and wanting to stop the bed from shaking so much. He gently wraps his arms around the other, moving before any reasonable thought could stop him and hides his face in the back of the others neck.
Steve doesn't say anything. He's seemed to be nonverbal again, but his body does stop shaking after a minute. Barely two as soft snores start to fall from the back of his throat. And apart of Eddie is relieved that he could help the other the way he helped him in the bathroom. Taking the moment to ground himself once more as he takes in the smell of cedar and smoke. Probably the others cologne.
Eddie feels like he's walking on thin ice as he moves his legs forward a bit. Letting himself relax knowing the other wasn't going to push him away. Wrapping his leg around his hip as he melts into the other more. Even though it was to hot for cuddling. In the back of his head he couldn't help but wonder what scared Steve Harrington so much he couldn't go to bed without shaking? Wondered if the boys kindness from earlier was a one hit wonder?
So many questions and concerns. Along with the anxious thoughts about telling Wayne about his not so little drug problem he begins to doze off. Breathing in and out as he passes out. Having the best night's sleep that he has had in a long time.
Authors Note; I am not going to lie this one shot took a lot out of me to write and is probably one of my proudest works. I purposely try not to write a whole lot about drugs because of personal issues but this one shot seemed like something I needed to write. And even though this isn't the most angstiest one shot that I could have written it was personally draining as I have felt a lot of what Eddie has in this oneshot. Apart of me wants to write more for this au but another part of me doesn't so I'm going to leave this up to the response I get from you guys :)
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spidersdance · 2 months
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Headcanon;; Insecurity & Self-Hatred
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Jim is riddled with insecurity and self-hatred but pushes that down under a suffocating layer of dramatics and over-confident acting. It all stems back to his relationship with his father, a man who would constantly tell him that he looked weak and wasn't the son he'd wanted.
It ties a lot into why he gets so obsessed with people. Someone paying him attention is dangerous because he then latches onto him as he believes they're the first person to ever 'see' him. As a result if they disappoint him or it doesn't work out he develops an intense hatred towards them for getting his hopes up. It also worsens his dislike of himself because it means he's living up to the view that his father had of him.
Are Jim's thought processes reasonable? Absolutely not. And some part of him knows this. However, it's a part that he's electing to ignore.
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rainbunnii · 4 days
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For the OC asks <3
What memory would your OC rather just forget?
When scared, does your OC fight, flee, freeze or fawn?
What is your OC's weapon of choice? Have they ever actually used it?
Does your OC have a tendency to get jealous? If so, how does this manifest?
What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions?
ask and ye shall receive. answered for Lunette
MENTION OF DRUGS, ALCOHOL AND ADDICTION UNDER THE CUT. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED ! MENTION OF BIPOLAR DISORDER
1. ) what memory would your oc rather just forget ?
oh, boy. Lunette’s early childhood was rough. she’d been subjected to her parent’s addiction with drugs, witnessing it first hand while trying to keep her younger brother safe while her mom and dad were conked out on whatever drug they choose that week. anything from that time in her life.
2. ) when scared, does your oc fight, flee, freeze or fawn?
this depends on the verse; but for the most part she’d fight back, even if it’s fruitless in the end. she’d go down kicking and screaming.
3. ) what is your oc’s weapon of choice ? have they ever actually used it ?
again; this depends on the verse. before she dies and goes to heaven, she’d be weaponless besides maybe some pepper spray and probably would of used it, seeing as how she attended college. after death, in heaven, she’d get some angelic weapon; probably a staff or a rod of some sort. she wouldn’t have had a chance to use it. fallen!Lunette would have an array of weapons, and have used them, for sure.
4. ) does your oc have a tendency to get jealous ? If so, how does this manifest ?
yes, Lunette has jealous tendencies, and how they’d manifest would be a good question. she’s unfortunately suffering with bipolar disorder, so it’s possible to see her push people away and distance herself before they inevitably do it to her, ghost people or see things in black-and-white and take her suspicions as gospel and cheat first. could go any way with her.
5. ) what is an alternative life path your oc might have gone down ? how different would their life be if they’d made those decisions ?
if she didn’t go to the mental hospital to seek help for her undiagnosed bipolar, she would of still died; but i believe she would of been a sinner instead. she was engaging in dangerous behavior up until she went to the hospital, only in the hospital did she start to turn it around. needless to say, spending the afterlife in heaven and hell would be a very large difference.
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deathxcko · 1 year
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hi friends!! below the cut i just have a teeny little update, regarding my mental health, in more detail, but.
tl;dr - basically, i'll be gone for at least the rest of the week, and not responding to anyone even in my rp servers/dms on discord until i'm in a better place mentally. if you have my real life number you're welcome to text me, and if you have my discord you're welcome to message me (i probably will not reply until back!! apologies).
little update: my mental health has been in the trash, and despite my therapist insisting upon 3 appointments in one week to make sure i'm physically alright... i think it would be best if i just take a little break here!!
i'm gonna work on replies in my free time and just draft them out for whenever I return, but. you know. depression is a beast and the last thing i want to do is bum out my friends because i'm crying, in bed, and unable to take care of myself LOL.
i have a lot of really high emotional needs right now, and with very little support outside of my therapist, so we out here in the trenches, i think!!! i'll see you all on the other side. please take care of yourselves in the meantime. <3
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oathofpromises · 8 months
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ooc: So I wanted to come on here and explain why I've been a little quiet lately. First off, this is just say why I haven't been replying to messages and threads. I have an underactive thyroid, which means my body doesn't produce enough hormones, which can lead to a lot of problems physically and mentally. It's part of the reason I can get very quiet and isolate myself. I'm working on getting medicine again for it, there was a period of time I was asked to stop taking it from my doctor. Hopefully will have that again soon to help regulate things to how they should be.
Anyway, In a fit of emotions, I ended up deleting a some posts. This wasn't anything against the posts, just me not thinking clearly. Mostly just a gpose one and a dash commentary. I do feel a bit better than I did, but all I ask for is some patience in replying to messages and everything. I do hope all of you have had a great day.
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pedropascalsx · 11 months
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hey. so i’ve been a little absent recently, and i thought i’d share why. i’m not doing very well mentally and/or physically. my agoraphobia has been crippling the last few weeks, and i made myself worse by going to an event i was quite frankly too unwell to go to.
my endometriosis has been… hell. to the point where i’m considering a hysterectomy despite it being something i definitely do not want; as i am a person who has wanted to experience pregnancy their entire life. but i’m also a person who’s well aware that you don’t need to give birth to a person to become their mother.
anyway that’s kind of the gist of it. i’m just struggling with the big big big sad right now, but i’m trying to pick myself out of it.
sharing my kofi because it’s been a while and i’m thinking… why not lol
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stillgrxwing · 2 years
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❝  do  you  have  a  fetish  for  nearly  killing  your  dad?  like,  just  the  tip,  but  for  nearly  killing  your  dad?  ❞ (daemon & baela)
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Baelas hands had been shaking from the moment she had found out that her mother had brought her dad to the hospital. She knew she shouldn’t have been able to leave and she was certain there were people following her making sure that she returned back to her home with her... DISGUSTING husband to be.But he was not going to keep her from her mother and father. Not a chance in HELL. “To be fair...” Baela said softly settling into the chair next to her fathers bed as she reached over to grab one of his hands. “It isn’t as if I had much of a say. You can blame your brother for that one.” No, if Baela had it her way? She would be home right now helping get the kids to bed before she got to lay with the love of her life. “But, I wish I could have told you. It took Mom telling people that you were in the hospital for me to even be let out.”
@bcssbitchs​
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sioraiocht · 1 month
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~ @mugglebrn || Valentines letter meme || From Draco ~
Dear Hermione,
Happy Valentine's day. You'll have to bear with me, this isn't something I've ever done before - Sending letters to someone on a romantic holiday. I also don't know if this is a strange thing to be doing so feel free to cast this in the fire if you don't like it and we'll never speak about it again.
I can't stop thinking about you.
I don't know what you've done to me, Granger, but I'm ruined. Work is none existent because all I can think about is the fact that your perfume is on my pillow and wondering when I'll be able to hear you moan again.
I know that there's a chance you might not be interested in pursuing anything romantic with me - I don't have the best reputation, I'm aware. Being out with me will never be easy. And there's a high chance that your friends will never accept me. So I know that we have a lot working against us and I want you to think about all that before we go any further. I recently learned about 'friends with benefits' and if that's all you want then I understand and will gladly take whatever you'll give me.
I'm rambling, apologies. What I really want to say is - You make me happy, Hermione, and happiness isn't something that I thought I'd ever see again. You see me in a way that no-one else ever has. I don't want this letter to be laden down with misery but I was very close to disappearing from the world before I met you. I believed that the world would be a better place if the Malfoy line died with me. And I realise that's a huge amount to put on your shoulders but I have to be honest. You've given me a new lease of life. And even if you don't want anything romantic, your friendship is more than enough. You're the most incredible person I've ever met. I don't think you realise how beautiful you are, both inside and out.
I'm sorry I didn't fully appreciate it before.
I'm really baring my soul now, aren't I? I should stop writing. I just wanted to put this all out there and it's easier on paper than in person.
I hope your work assignment's going well.
Yours,
Draco
PS; Be nice to poor Eltanin, he flew all that way to make sure you received this book bouquet on time
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terrence-silver · 2 years
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What if beloved had been through something traumatic and experienced similar flashbacks/PTSD occurrences like Terry has. We know the lengths they beloved would go to when Terry is having an episode. How would Terry console beloved when they were experiencing this?
― Terry knows beloved is going through something without it ever being vocalized, because he personally knows the symptoms. That blank look of drifting off. The odd subdued panic. Sweat beading their forehead. He knows because he knows himself. It is like looking into a mirror self and finding your own reflection. He just stares at beloved intently, watching every move, every expression, every breath they take with careful focus, regardless if this is in public or private. The world is immediately tuned out as he politely excuses himself and beloved. People are all but charmed. How ardently Terry Silver cares for his partner. If there was a way to collect social points off of how protective he comes off (which isn't feigned --- people never realize just how honestly he's struck right now) he does; but said people also never notice the odd chill behind Mr. Silver's gaze or the fact he hasn't blinked ever since beloved drifted off.
― In the days or weeks to come, the grounds of the mansion are swiftly cleared out and under lockdown because admittedly, Terry Silver overreacts to classical Terry Silver degrees. Not that he sees it as overreaction. He sees it as practicality and devotion. The only individuals present and the individuals helping beloved and seeing to their wellness and health. Trusted staff. Trusted medical experts. If the trusted medical experts aren't to his liking, he dismisses them too and cares for beloved himself. After all, who's more qualified? Who loves beloved more than him? Beloved's relegated to bed long after they've recovered and came back to themselves, but Terry would lie if he...said that he didn't enjoy this arrangement in a very bizarre, partially messed up, saccharine sweet sense. Beloved under his care. Beloved all for him. Only with him. Always. Locked under house arrest indefinitely? Maybe they should be sick more often.
― Thing is, even as he sits next to beloved on some colossal California king sized bed, reading to them out loud, acting out the role of their willing and very fuss caretaker, the furnishings plush and safe, Terry stubbornly gets to the bottom of what caused their PTSD. Their trauma. If he could open beloved's skull and remove the damage and place something better in its place, preferably himself and himself only, he would. But, does beloved wish revenge on someone? Over something? Some set of people, occurrences and events that harmed them? Would that make it better? It sure would put Terry's mind to rest, yes. He barely gets talked out of it, only by a landslide where he pretends to be talked out of it so he could ensure beloved tells him more while he internally collects data who or what he could mess up later when they aren't looking, love, passion and frenzy abound.
― He tells them about his own trauma brought back from the war, how he and beloved are so similar in ways all while being dissimilar --- in that I am you, you are me manner how he's seen things they wouldn't believe. How he's trained himself to push a great many things down and appear poker faced when need be --- disciplined his psyche as much as his body, in a sense. Maybe, in later years, if this is old man Terry, he talks about therapy --- what it did and didn't do for him. But, beloved's, however troubled mind is his. Whatever is inside of it is also his. Their mind, body and soul. He'll take care of what belongs to him. He'll put as much of himself inside of them until he overcomes and mutes out everything else. Until whenever they close their eyes, they see him. Until they hear him in their brain whenever the bad images come. He'll train them into it.
― On a slightly more morbid (and possibly gaslighting) note, Terry can and will later use this to set the narrative that since he and beloved are so tremendously alike, nobody would understand them like he does. Nobody would fit like he does. People like the two of them? They're two of a kind. The only other person who understands him quite so much is John, and John is one of a kind too. Terry and his loved ones are a breed apart. And beloved must stick to Terry always and always. Must be devoted to Terry, like he is to them, because they're a world within a world, and it is Us Vs Them out there. If they told anyone else what troubles them, they wouldn't understand. They'd have to wear a mask, like he wears one so frequently out there. But here? There are no masks. They can bare themselves to him and be embraced and consumed.
Worst (best) is? He isn't telling falsehoods.
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xtinyslip · 9 months
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“how is it that you look like you could use a drink more than i do?” oh, he knew he wasn’t in the best condition. after being tortured for a month, left to starve and dehydrate to the verge of death. well, he was meant to look like shit. it was just a blessing at this point that any emotion or feelings he did have had been pulled, picked apart and twisted until there was nothing left. he felt... nothing. the one thing that may have anchored him was his job but thanks to the people who had taken him? well, he had lost his medical license and now... he was here. he’d spent a week in a medically induced coma recovering. it probably should have been longer but with how he had snapped at the hospital? he couldn’t wait to see the back of it and he knew they couldn’t wait to see the back of him. no shit. “as long as it’s not a heart felt conversation you want? i’m happy to share my bottle.” gesturing to his bottle of whiskey and the clean spare glass on the table. @glcrygcre
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stfuisms · 1 year
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vivxdhearts · 2 years
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Eleven took a shaky breath as she clutched onto the fabric of her coat. She was trying to blend in to say the least. She felt as if she couldn’t breath and she felt as if there was never a ONE DAY, never a moment where things got better. Because everytime that things were quiet, and things were silent and peaceful she was launched back to the one memory that she had never wanted to deal with. Of blood, and pain and the looks of her brothers and sisters faces that had been twisted and broken and harmed at the hands of... No, Eleven could not think of him. Because, the only CONCERN that she had was getting back to Hawkins to keep her friends and family safe. NOT being stuck here in this city that had done nothing but HARM her and HURT her and EMBARASS her. Eleven let out a small scream, the second that someone had passed her. GOD, WHEN HAD SHE GOTTEN SO JUMPY AGAIN? “I’m sorry, I didn’t... I didn’t...” Her heart was racing trying to calm her breathing AT LEAST ON THE OUTSIDE. “I didn’t see you there, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be in the way.” And didn’t that just FIT HER? Always in the way, ALWAYS causing a problem.
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@bcssbitchs​ // @igcttabe​ // @ragdclls​
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ivyxmantled · 2 years
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❝ i’m trying to make amends. ❞ ( jimmy & anyone )
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“You don’t have to.” Jordan insisted, gripping onto his hand. She had fallen for him, and she couldn’t help but feel ashamed for the things her father had done to him. It made her sick to her stomach in the worst way possible and had made her rely on Jimmy morgan than anything. Knowing he was there, knowing he was okay and knowing he wasn’t going to go anywhere. “He wouldn’t deserve it, he wouldn’t even care. The worst part is, I don’t think he regretted what he has done. Ever.” She insisted.
@ragdclls​
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