Daisies and Daffodils Day 16: Helping Others
For today’s prompt here is a picture of me hugging Rose. Without being flippant about it, I do consider Rose to be my therapy doll. As a person with a plethora of mental illness, including depression and anxiety, Rose has been such a huge help to me since I’ve gotten her. She’s always there to keep me company when I I would otherwise feel alone, she gives me the best hugs when I need someone to hug, even if I don’t want to take care of myself I end up taking care of myself so that I can take care of her, and I’ve been going out more than I usually would because maybe I feel anxious about going out somewhere but wanting to take her out somewhere fun so that she can have a good time helps override my anxiety. Plus I have a never ending list of fun ideas of things that I want to make for her so she’s helping encourage me to be creative ^^
This is the longest I've been alone today. I found out last night that they were turning off my friend's life support at 9am this morning. I thought she'd get better. I was wrong.
My mum spent the night on the couch with me so I wasn't alone and I woke up to my sister sitting next to me. Then my sister's fiance came home from work and took me for some fresh air. I really appreciate them. I don't think I would've got through the day alone.
When I got home from the walk, I drew a bath and was finally alone. My head was so loud and my body felt like it was being crushed under the weight of the universe. I just wanted to slip beneath the water and breathe in. A world without my friend isn't a world I want to live in.
After my bath, I finally came clean to my sister about how I've really been feeling these past years. Everyone thought I was recovering, and maybe I was, but I really just feel like I've been biding my time—waiting for any opportunity to finally leave. I guess the death of my friend has made all these suppressed thoughts rise to the surface.
Now I'm in bed. My sister wanted to stay with me but she's pregnant and needs her rest. I think all things considered, I've done pretty well today. I've stayed sane enough for my family to trust I'll be okay alone. For a while I fooled myself and thought the worst of the grief was over. Of course it isn't. Grief never really leaves.
It's weird. Yesterday morning, before my world ended, I felt 'off'. Maybe I knew deep down something was going to happen, but I don't know. The world seemed grayer than normal. I just needed to get out the house, so I hopped on a bus and went to the shops. For the first in 2 years I bought razors. I've had urges before, but it was different yesterday. I just needed an escape and I found it.
I haven't done anything. I have them more as a safety blanket. Like, if I'm backed up against a wall, I have an exit.
I don't know. I need to feel something other than this weight on my chest. It's like my heart is actually shaking under the pressure.
I need my friend not to be dead.
How does Nate deal with bad days after The Bad Arc? We know before he would just go into depressive bed time ( a mood) but when they have Nina and he's a professor again, how does he deal with it? Has it changed at all?
So, originally when Nate is having his worst days, he is medicated but his meds aren't quite right. He and Dr. Rosa work heavily on getting the right balance on the pills he takes to help him function at a baseline that allows him to feel less in the way of those long gray days.
Then Danny disappears again, and Ryan, and Nate more or less retreats into a total focus.
By the time Mina is adopted, they have figured out a good balance again (different than the old good balance, it's a continual adjustment). Between good meds and therapy and developing some internal coping mechanisms, Nate has a much better ability to care for himself, Danny, and Mina.
That said, better isn't perfect.
Nate still has gray days. And on his gray days, Danny runs the show and gives him space when he needs it. But both of them are good at pulling themselves together for Mina.
Nate sometimes still has days where he walks through his day in a haze of feeling like he can't quite break through to FEELING again. It doesn't last forever. But when he is there, he feels like it might.
But it doesn't.
When he needs carried, Danny carried him. Then he stands back up and returns the favor.
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People should talk more about President c!Wilbur/L'manberg era c!Wilbur more I think. It's such an interesting version of c!Wilbur and his mindset/mental health at the time is really fascinating to discuss and analyze. c!Wilbur, during his presidency, was at a point in his character arc where he was definitely mentally ill, traumatized, stressed and generally not doing so well, but he was still internalizing everything, hadn't had his complete breaking moment yet, and hadn't become a "villain" yet. He preferred to show his moments of emotional vulnerability and his mental health struggles in complete private. Everything after Eret's betrayal really was the precursor for his downward spiral that happened in Pogtopia.
And President c!Wilbur is also just so genuinely sad from a character standpoint and it's not talked about as much as it is during the Pogtopia era within the fanbase. That feeling of never truly feeling happy, even when everyone else is, and you know you should be. That feeling of constantly being worried the world you're striving to protect is rapidly falling apart around you and, as a result, desperately working yourself deeper and deeper into a dark, unhappy state that only brings you further pain and fear, but feeling determined to not let anyone know how much you're suffering and how much you're breaking by the day because you don't want to let anyone in again, you don't want to be betrayed and hurt again like you were before, and because you feel obligated to bear this burden alone and not make anyone else have to share your suffering because it's yours. It's your responsibility and you are the one who has to grin and bear it, even when it's eating you up inside, making you hide your tears and sorrows and mental breakdowns behind closed doors, and causing you to not be able to trust your loved ones not to abandon you and the thing you've worked for. But above all, that feeling of forcing yourself to believe that you have to maintain the fake persona that shows you as the version of yourself you desperately want to be: strong, capable, dependable, someone that others can look up to and want to follow. Both for the sake of others, and for yourself. Because without that persona, who are you? What purpose do you have, what worth do you have? Without that persona, you're just a scared, sad person trying your best, but terrified of letting anyone in to help you, terrified of losing what you've sacrificed everything for, and desperately looking for a way to find what you've lacked for so long: happiness.
President c!Wilbur makes me sad, and I think we should talk about him more.
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3 months self harm free!
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In the mood to get in a
Reminder for myself, and also deleting this toxicity.
Now, looking at this geaveyard, can you tell me who was more beautiful than the other? Can you tell me who had the most money? Can you tell me who had the thinnest legs? Can you tell me who was sleeping on the most comfortable bed?
So stop trying to live for the people. Stop trying to impress others and get their validation. Every soul shall taste death, and death has a taste.
Do not let these toys fool you. Nor let these materialistics fool you. Everyone is going to sleep in a grave one day. We're all going to live there one day, weather you are poor, rich, skinny, popular or whatever. So please let live to impress anyone on here, for indeed we were not created to live forever.
It is the young people and the old people out there getting the taste, and the end does not care about your age or your status. Once you die, you're old already.
STOP LIVING FOR OTHERS.
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[JASON RALPH] — Have you seen EMERY MORGAN walking around? They’re a THIRTY-FIVE year old CIS MAN with HE/HIM pronouns. They supposedly live in DOWNTOWN ROSECASTLE and currently work as a CASHIER AT COVER TO COVER. Rumor has it, Rosecastle PD says they’re UNINVOLVED when it comes to the case. I guess that makes sense, considering they’re PASSIONATE, INTELLIGENT. Though, if you ask around, some would say they’re also MELANCHOLIC, RESERVED.
full name: emery james morgan (formerly emery woods)
nickname(s): ems, em
age/dob: 35/april 7
gender: cis man
ethnicity: white (english, german, dutch)
hometown: portland, oregon
occupation: cashier at cover to cover
residence: downtown rosecastle
relationship status: single
fc: jason ralph
hair color: brown
eye color: brown
build: stocky, thin
traits: +passionate, intelligent / -melancholic, reserved
aesthetic: burnt cigarettes, the smell of books, long hair tied up in a messy bun, half-empty coffee cups
tw for mentions of bullying, a car accident, accidental death, anxiety/depression, medication
emery was born and raised in portland, oregon to a young single mother
growing up, he was timid and awkward and he was never able to fit in with other kids
in school, he was often bullied, especially by the star quarterback
he used books as an escape, always in a library or bookstore, escaping to other worlds he’d read about
with the bullying, he developed anxiety and depression, going to school less and less, his grades quickly dropping
one day, he decided he’s had enough and came up with a plan to get back at his bully
forming an elaborate prank, emery only wanted to scare him by faking some reckless driving and chasing him down a secluded street
however, things went wrong really fast when his breaks stopped working, accidentally hitting his bully and killing him on impact
adrenaline drove emery to move the body and bury it deep in the woods before driving away
while he did his best to scrub his hands off the whole thing, jake was declared missing, search parties were formed, but no one suspected the loner bookworm
struggling with his mental health, emery ended up dropping out of high school in his senior year and decided to change his last name and move across the country to start anew
ending up in rosecastle, massachusetts, he got a small apartment downtown and started working at cover to cover, wanting to lay low
he’s been going to therapy and taking medication. he still struggles with the guilt and shame, having nightmares, keeps to himself, becoming sort of a hermit
hopefully, the past doesn’t catch up to him
emery doesn't speak much and he fumbles over his words, but when he does get excited about a particular subject, he becomes animated, talking with his hands while he rambles on
he doesn't have pets, but he does feed the stray cats that live in the alleyway next to his building, even this specific asshole cat that tries to scratch him at every chance
he writes and journals a lot, always carrying a pen and notebook with him
he's close to his mom, having a gilmore girls type of relationship with her
he kinda loves his job since he gets to be around books and talk about books all the time
he's an actual bi mess. he gets tongue-tied around pretty people, blushes a lot, stammers more than usual. it's easy for him to crush on someone, but he's never actually had a long-term relationship before
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When I read stories about depression and suicide people is always like "I was depressed when I was 16" or "I attempted suicide when I was a teenager" and then they are always like "but now I'm 21 and I have my own house and my life is great and..." a bunch of other good things. But I'm in the same fucking place.
Like I was depressed and suicidal when I was 16, and now I'm 23 and I'm still the same, so....what does that say about me? About my mind? About how things are going to be? About my life?
If it's going to be like this forever I don't want it
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The third installment to my class project "Introspections on Climate Change" on the topic of climate anxiety in youth. Climate anxiety has been found to worsen depression and other psychological disorders, making the problem so much more widespread than the (obviously terrible) destruction of the environment. This project was kind of a bummer, but I like how part 3 in particular turned out!
Part 1 | Part 2
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“To the families that want them”
like do you know how sad that line is? Like they're talking about these wunimals that are literally almost dead, and when morrigan wakes them up, imagine learning that your family wouldn’t take care of you so you were almost forced to live in a zoo? Imagine being Sofia and waking up and knowing that your family almost gave you up, almost like they didn’t love you. Even the close families would be detached and I’m sure the aftermath of the hollowpox was worse than the disease. Most wunimals would be anxious or depressed and morrigan would feel guilty as well. More things to talk about in mog therapy! The list being
-being in Nevermoor illegally
-indirectly being the cause of the demise of 100 or so people
-wundersmith revealed to the public
-the destruction of the hollowpox
jessica can you not make my bestie suffer anymore
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“I’m honestly exhausted with breathing.....”
A MATTER OF STRENGTH —
❝ when i was young i asked my mother why god cursed me like that, making me have unbearable pains and making it hard to breathe. i asked her in tears what i did wrong for him to punish me like that. she told me that i was special and that because of my suffering i was able to see people with a more understanding nature, would be able to feel more empathy for their suffering. she was right about that, but it didn’t answer my question.
as the years progressed the coughs got worse. i kept on living - had only a faint memory of my parents’ prayers that fateful night. i could feel it living inside of me ever since. i could hear it talk to me at night. i could sense its feelings as they clashed with my own. but it didn’t make the pains disappear. in fact, it would make me cough up blood. i was only 8 as i saw it for the first time. my tissue drenched in red. i cried and begged for it to stop. my mother held me as i contracted, gasping for air.
no matter how much reassurance my doctors gave me, and no matter how mch my parents tried to convince me that now things would chance - when i heard it talk to me at night i just knew that i had more than ever lost control over my own body and life and that i had become nothing but a VESSEL to something that kept me alive. during my academy years i can’t even start to recount the amount of days i missed out during combat training. my kidou i have been practicing in on our estate’s grasslands, by myself, as i had fever. i kept training as hard as i could, because adolescent classmates can be cruel and confront you with your lack of power. so i wanted to show them that i could do it. i trained until total exhaustion hit me - i passed out so often, breathless.
it would repeatedly tell me to stop exhausting myself. i wouldn’t listen to it. it threatened me that if i kept disobeying, it could no longer keep me as its vessel as its sole powers went into keeping me alive. one day, when i was a teenager, i stood in front of the mirror and spoke with it. i looked at my battered and skinny body. i heard the laughter coming from my classmates. shunsui was the only one who defended me. who always stuck around. but even then, even with shunsui by my side, could a body like that ever attract someone? could that body ever have a family? could it ever become a captain at all? it asked me what i wanted. left the choice to me. i held the knife to my wrist but moved it to my neck instead. because should an attack overcome me all i would have to do was falling forward, and into the knife. it’d cut my throat deep enough for me to choke to death. since i know what it was like to choke to death, it seemed like the smplest way out. i didn’t have the courage to use kidou on me.
although my hands were shaking... and although i knew what i had to do... i couldn’t go through with it. there were still so many things i hadn’t done by then. something things i hadn’t seen, tasted, heard, felt. what would it be like to dance to the most wonderful of melodies? how does the sweetest cake possibly taste like? how would my siblings look like in a decade from now? and shunsui, what would become of him? would he be a captain one day? i still had dreams of laughing until i cried, of swimming in the ocean and being able to dive without choking for air. i wanted to watch mother rabbits give birth and have a koi pond, grow a bonsai garden and... help make this world a safer place for souls who got eaten by hollows.
i wanted to become stronger and protect my friends and family. i knew i could never protect myself. but i could negotiate with it, making it listen to me one night. let it know that if the time would come, it could return and i would set it free and it would set me free too. but i begged it to grant me the power to give my life some meaning. i begged it in tears to give me the strength to have a reason to keep living on. and it agreed under the condition of deciding when enough was enough for me. and so i continued gasping for air, coughing up blood or feeling like i choked to death throughout my training years, adolescent life, early adulthood until the present day. i have no control over what it does to me if i exhaust myself but it won’t kill me until i say i want to die. i don’t think i would have been a captain without it. i wouldn’t have had the power. ❞
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You know that feel when:
First, you're sad. You feel worthless. You feel the pain forming around your heart and you just hope it passes soon.
Then, you feel angry - you want to scream because of how much it hurts. You ignore everything and you are ready to do whatever needs to be done to make the pain go away.
After that, you slowly fall apart. You're not angry anymore, you've just given up. You've accepted the pain and decided to let it break you.
The tears coming down your face. You're numb. You can't do anything... You just stay at the same spot, watch the wall and let the pain destroy you completely.
I can't tell you what I have been through, it's too much.
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I didn't remember that I could feel so bad: I think I can officially say that I'm literally dead inside: I have no reason to go on. I can't find any therapist that wants to help me, I don't have a family, I can't do anything due to my mental illnesses and I can't find a cure neither a relief. I feel hopeless and I have this giant void inside me that can't be filled.
I think I reached the end.
I must know if or how catmaid Hbomb plays into your au.
catmaid hbomb aka fundy's bootleg therapist my beloved <33
tw: mental illness, trauma, implied depression, dissociation, self-harm, blood
hbomb plays a huge part into one of the biggest shifts in fundy's life. i've already mentioned this in a past post, but he basically is the one who tells fundy that he should stop relying on other people's inputs on how he should perform in life and instead just. exist. be who he wants to be without hyperfocusing on how he moves or acts.
while hbomb tries his best to simply stay away from the dream smp as much as possible, the only thing that makes him return every so often is niki and fundy. while niki has surprisingly gotten healthier and found a family she could return to, fundy didn't grow as exceptionally well as niki. before las nevadas, h would often find fundy just... dazing around.
fundy would be obsessed with his reflection and would easily shut down from the simplest of comments or observations. h would often visit fundy's base to check how he's doing, to make sure he's not hurting himself, and fundy, thankfully, didn't. but it was concerning how much fundy often just laid in bed wide-eyed, or be staring at his reflection for hours. even if h made a small noise to grab his attention, fundy would never notice.
there was a time where it had gotten really bad. one time, when he visited, he saw fundy unconscious on the ground with his mirror broken— it seemed like he punched it. h easily patched him up and got him to bed.
while h was creating a healing potion for fundy, quackity abruptly entered fundy's base proclaiming “hey, fundy, sorry to bother but i've got a propo-“ before he cuts himself off when he sees h. quackity looked embarrassed, then he looked concerned. he doesn't walk out like what h expects, but quackity approaches and asks what happened.
h replies in fully honesty— why would he want to lie to someone as good as quackity? h doesn't know why, maybe it's his tendency to overshare, but he talks about what he's observed from fundy for the past few weeks. quackity immediately looks more concerned (as if he wasn't already), but he levels his expression. he then says something that he had somewhere else to go, but he mentions fundy's case is pretty “interesting”.
h had to leave eventually, and fundy doesn't actually know it was h who took care of him that day.
fast forward, we see catmaid hbomb pestering fundy in las nevadas like what h always does best. he passes by every so often, but he mostly is there just to have fun rather than buy drinks and gamble. if he isn't dancing with niki, he'd be with fundy, constantly flirting with him just to cheer him up. genuinely, fundy thinks h's catmaid schtick is funny, but he never outright admits it, so when h sees fundy being mopey as fuck, h puts on the maid dress.
and he's gotten pretty infamous in las nevadas! mostly to the dismay of schlatt, but quackity does find it really funny. fundy does enjoy some extra company too, and h is at least happy to see fundy doing better than he was before.
one time, when h announces he'll go back to his mansion for a while, he doesn't really expect much but a fond goodbye from fundy. but then, fundy hugs him— a HUGE hug. it puffs the air all out of h. h is genuinely surprised, asking fundy why he's hugging him all of a sudden.
“a little birdie told me you were taking care of me before, you know, when i was. when i was really out of it. thank you."
and hbomb is silent for a moment before he hugs fundy back and pats his back fondly. he replies, “and thank you too, for being strong. i'm proud of how far you've come, dude."
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Woah !! I am depressed !! What a shock when I cannot open up fully to anyone !! It feels like I won’t ever get better !! Even when I am medicated!!