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pro-crastinate17 · 1 year

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not to be religiously traumatized on main but belief by ben fankhauser is hitting extra hard rn

#if i sing hallelujah / right on up to ya / would your angels even give a damn?#tw religion ment #words from my weird little brain #dumbass complains tag

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rowan-ashtree · 6 months

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the sea and the lighthouse

an ode to myself, and to people like me

cw: violence (somewhat graphic), death mention, vague references to religion.

I felt like I was drowning in a sea of confusion, and I worried it was because I didn’t have the faith to walk on the surface.

I know now that this was not the case. My confusion turned to anger when I grabbed a buoy and saw people staring. Who were they to watch me sputter and splash and place bets on my survival?

They were the ones who would plunge knives into my chest and praise my pain tolerance (because I barely flinched anymore), then scoff at my faithlessness when I refused to sacrifice myself on the sealing room altar.

They were the ones who would weave nooses around my neck, made from indifference and empty words, then whisper of my weakness when I cut myself loose, seeking woven things of warmth instead.

They were the ones who would condemn violence (with my blood on their hands and the bodies of my siblings hanging above them) (without any trace of irony or even regret).

Who am I that I should be left to drown, fearing all the while that it’s my own fault?

I was the one who would take the blades they used to hurt me, and carve my identity, my entire self, out of the bare rocks of abandonment. Then, I would carve my own altar, and offer up the blunted and bloodied knives as a sacrifice.

I was the one who would weave bandages to cover my wounds, and blankets to keep myself warm, and shrouds for those they refused to bury.

I was the one who would learn to swim in my own confusion, and even relish it, so that I could be the buoy for the next person they would seek to drown.

The sea could not snuff out my candle, so they gave me bushel after bushel and called it a kindness. For a while, I merely set them aside. Now, I set them ablaze and add them to the lighthouse beacon that my candle has become.

#rowan writes #been a couple years since i used that tag!!#i'm not expecting this to get much attention but if you're reading this. hi :)#btw this is about being a queer mormon but if you relate to this at all then it's about your experience too #religion #tw death ment #tw knives #tw blood #tw drowning #tw noose #tw hanging #please lmk if i need to tag anything else #this is kind of a revamp of a few old vent poems i wrote years ago #i rediscovered them today and decided i liked the imagery but wanted smthn hopeful with it #tumblrstake #queerstake #(might as well lol)

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miss-misamisa-amane · 6 months

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mikalight god/worshipper play where mikami offers his blood to light as an offering, only for light to take more than what was given.

there is no blood without the body, after all.

#mdni #is this anything #mikalight #religion tw #religion ment

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cryopathiic-a · 4 months

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💐💐💐💐💐

flower prompt if you even care :/ || accepting

The basket of flowers had been loaded and sent, through Nakime-chan's strum, to the Master's chambers a mere few hours ago. And usually, the Lord took his sweet time responding to anything coming from Upper Two's end, knowing the latter's penchant for, simply put, clogging the connection with reduntant ramblings. But this time, Dōma's offering contained the collective work of fifty two pairs of human hands; set to harvest those flowers from the nearby fields day and night.

Frankly, most of them weren't even blue.

So the package had, apparently, been a swift return. Dōma had barely managed to turn his gaze skywards, to the painted Sun God on the ceiling. A small smile had just begun to blossom on the young oni's visage, a short-lived thrill interwoven in every demon's existence when their Master would turn his all-seeing eyes on them and them solely. Pearly fangs gripped his own bottom lip as the skies parted. Just like in the scriptures! The gateway to the Heavens!

— except this particular gate resembled more of a garbage disposal.

The entire assortment gifted to her Grace was returned, dumped all over Dōma with the addition of a glossy, yellowy, bile-like sheen. Who's to say what that stuff was? One could not exclude the possibility that Master Muzan wanted to conduct yet another conniving experiment on his creations, to see how much poison one can withstand. It sure smelled awful though! The soiled petals sat on Dōma's head; but elicited nothing other than a squeak.

❝ Muzan-sama! Were you displeased by my gift? ❞ A honeyed cadence laden with anguish as the demon grabs his own face and digs claws into his cheeks in penance. All that comes in response is the mural's eyes glaring into his very essence like a vindictive spirit. But even under that haunted gaze, Dōma's distress does not translate as fear. No, his voice breaks in apologetic sobs; crystalline tears pooling at the corners of his pearlescent gaze.

❝ I'm so, so sorry! I had thought you would enjoy these to use, for your studies or decorations, or — your brilliant mind surely would find use for them, but... ❞ Is his vanity so great, that he would seek to plant a seed of doubt in the Master's thoughts? To appeal to her ego? Perhaps. Sweet nectar flows down the fresh scratches on his skin as the demon digs into his own neck and his brows connect sorrowfully.

❝ How could I make this up to you, Master? Is there anything I could possibly do? Would it please you to watch me gobble down this dung, or, I could sever my limbs and roll in it if you would prefer— or... ❞

The list of suggestions goes on; with an increased creativity that suggests it may have been premeditated. Or maybe he has an overactive imagination.

#♛ ¦ ᴛᴇʟʟ ᴍᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴛʀᴏᴜʙʟᴇꜱ༺ answered.#(( here u even get a response! that's how much i love u <3 ))#(( muzan vc: what? no blue spider lilly? dump them back on that piece of shit nakime ))#gore ment tw #fallesto #religion tw

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sluttish-armchair · 2 years

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Why Winston (and everyone else) in the book 1984 is so messed-up

…

If you’ve read the book, you already know this, but because a lot of people haven’t:

CW: Discussion of sensitive topics such as war, death, torture, brainwashing, religious abuse, and sexual abuse; proceed at your own risk.

(oh and it’s the length of a full research paper, so, uh… warning for that too?)

Telescreens are playing media non-stop. It is scientifically-proven that when a mother is pregnant, once the baby develops ears, it can hear environmental sounds and become influenced by them. Increased stress (such as is described in the book) in the mother can also influence the baby’s development. (Source) (Source)

After the baby is born, children are brainwashed in the spies. They are praised for things such as setting fire to people’s clothing. They have the run of the house and terrorize their parents. Many of them eventually turn their parents into the thought police; leaving them rewarded, but also orphaned. Winston may not have been in the spies; but he was at some point taken in by the Party and raised with the same values (or lack thereof). So, it should be very much expected that — when these children turn into adults — they will have varying degrees of insensitive and selfish thinking to unlearn if they are to become a decent human.

But because of the constant alteration of history, members of the outer party are left with no grasp on what humanity means and are thereby left to figure it out themselves. They have no window into the past, and no pattern for normal behavior. Remember:

…(nothing was illegal since there were no longer laws)…

But! Actions are still punished. How, exactly are different actions punished?

Hating the Party rule = torture and death

Being alone too much = torture and death

Falling in love = torture and death

Wanting to learn about the past = torture and death

Consensual sex (or the act of enjoying it) = torture and death

Being gay (and by extension, any other flavor of LGBT) = torture and death

Murder = torture and death

Writing in a diary = torture and death

Rape = torture and death

Buying trinkets in an antique shop = torture and death

Having the wrong expression on your face = torture and death

Attempting to spread diseases = torture and death

Thinking about any of the above at any level (willingly or intrusively) = torture and death

Obviously, a lot of these things are not like each other at all — some are harmless; others are horrible. Yet, they all get grouped together under the same punishment.

This — combined with the aforementioned brainwashing and general lack of knowledge of humanity — almost completely erases all sense of moral judgement a person might have had. So it would make sense if someone living under this kind of rule would equate bad things with good, and choose to rebel by doing (or thinking about doing) both, even if they feel that some of these things are wrong.

Also, consider the type of punishment:

Torture and death.

This kind of inhumane punishment is normalized by the public hangings and shootings, prole sector bombings, and violent war films (which probably are filled with real deaths; why would the Party waste time on special effects when they gleefully kill people under literally all other circumstances?).

So not only do these people have no childhoods, morals, or resources to help them grow as individuals, they are also being exposed to violence all the time. It has a desensitizing effect, while also making it painfully apparent that the same thing will happen to them one day.

I know from personal experience that living with the threat of godly doomsday over one’s head is a living nightmare and alone is enough to make anyone go crazy; but that doesn’t even come close to what these people are going through in the book.

Also, because of the cisheteronormativity in this society and how love is portrayed as such a horrible thing, it would make sense that there would be a chasm between the male and female sexes, driven by fear of being corrupted by emotional and/or physical attraction. (Anyone with religious trauma knows this is true.) This would lead to either sex not knowing that much about the other and the struggles they each deal with, resulting in even less understanding between them, and, in Winston’s case, sexism.

And then there’s this:

All marriages between Party members had to be approved by a committee appointed for the purpose, and—though the principle was never clearly stated—permission was always refused if the couple concerned gave the impression of being physically attracted to one another.

And this:

The only recognized purpose of marriage was to beget children for the service of the Party. Sexual intercourse was to be looked on as a slightly disgusting minor operation, like having an enema.

Oh BOY is this damaging. And keep in mind that both these things are drilled into the minds of the outer party when they are children. This is why Katharine keeps insisting that she and Winston try to have children even though they both hate it; because ”it’s [their] duty to the Party.” The Party is telling these people that ”sex is gross,” but then also telling them to “do their duty” by engaging in the very thing they are supposed to view as disgusting; that is very obviously sexual abuse. In fact, it resembles in form what children abused by the clergy have to go through.

Because of sexual abuse being so normalized, and because of everything else discussed here, it makes complete sense that Winston would be having violent sexual thoughts and/or desires. Is it an excuse? No; it is a reason. One cannot begin to fix themselves unless they know the reason why they are the way they are; so to equate finding a reason for certain behaviors with excusing them is foolish and counterintuitive.

And ultimately, Winston never makes any indication of planning to carry out any of what he is thinking about; which also makes sense.

As soon as he touched [Katharine] she seemed to wince and stiffen. To embrace her was like embracing a jointed wooden image. And what was strange was that even when she was clasping him against her he had the feeling that she was simultaneously pushing him away with all her strength. She would lie there with shut eyes, neither resisting nor cooperating but SUBMITTING. It was extraordinarily embarrassing, and, after a while, horrible. But even then he could have borne living with her if it had been agreed that they should remain celibate. But curiously enough it was Katharine who refused this. They must, she said, produce a child if they could.

Her being uncomfortable made him uncomfortable; and because of this, he wouldn’t have minded if they remained celibate. If this experience was unappealing and made him feel gross, I don’t think he would be capable of raping anyone.

Also, when Julia asked him later on why he hadn’t just pushed Katharine down a ravine (again, everyone is messed-up on multiple levels), Winston responded that it wouldn’t have mattered if he killed her or not, that the oppression would still remain. In other words, ”It’s not her fault.” He is also shown multiple times to have some level of compassion (different from empathy) for people, judging by the way Mrs. Parsons is described, and how he remarks “the poor devil” when he sees a guy with a nervous facial twitch in public, thinking of how he’ll probably be discovered soon; as well as his general anger over the horrible living conditions.

So why was he thinking of doing such horrible things to Julia? Consider the circumstances:

It was during the Two Minutes Hate. What is the Two Minutes Hate designed to do? Trigger a fight-or-flight response by insulting the belief system the outer party are indoctrinated into, in order to give them a persecution complex which will solidify that belief system. Winston seems to know this, but he still gets drawn in.

The horrible thing about the Two Minutes Hate was not that one was obliged to act a part, but, on the contrary, that it was impossible to avoid joining in. Within thirty seconds any pretence was always unnecessary. A hideous ecstasy of fear and vindictiveness, a desire to kill, to torture, to smash faces in with a sledge-hammer, seemed to flow through the whole group of people like an electric current, turning one even against one’s will into a grimacing, screaming lunatic.

We’ve all been in a room with an irate, screaming person at some point in our lives; it was disturbing, and at times, even terrifying, even if we are not the one being yelled at. Now multiply that effect by about three-hundred people, put them in an auditorium, and make them all scream in the same direction. Imagine yourself sitting right in the middle of them. Would you be able to think any rational, coherent thoughts? Would you still be able to after the fifth, tenth, or three-hundred-sixty-fifth time you’ve experienced this?

Winston is in that very situation. He clearly doesn’t want to become a ”grimacing, screaming lunatic” who wants to murder and torture people — no one does; but the crowd mentality overtakes him and makes him think and feel things contrary to his personal beliefs. Sounds a lot like an intrusive thought, doesn’t it?

Let’s look at what happens with this:

…at one moment Winston’s hatred was not turned against Goldstein at all, but, on the contrary, against Big Brother, the Party, and the Thought Police; and at such moments his heart went out to the lonely, derided heretic on the screen, sole guardian of truth and sanity in a world of lies…

This actually goes with his belief system, and becomes less intrusive, and more of an emotional release. But remember, the anger he is feeling was originally caused by the Party, in the interests of the Party’s manipulative efforts, and is not under Winston’s control, but theirs. So it’s no surprise that this happens:

…And yet the very next instant he was at one with the people about him, and all that was said of Goldstein seemed to him to be true. At those moments his secret loathing of Big Brother changed into adoration, and Big Brother seemed to tower up, an invincible, fearless protector…

He feels as though he is giving into the manipulation. This is a horrifying feeling, and cannot be fully understood unless you’ve experienced it firsthand. As a PIMO (“physically-in, mentally-out”) ex-cult person myself, the closest thing I can compare it to is deciding whether or not to jump off a cliff; except instead of everyone trying to talk you down from killing yourself, they’re telling you to “go for it,” because ”it’s the best thing you can do.” And submitting to this kind of cult mentality does make you feel like you’re dead; because you ARE killing off your old personality.

So, because Winston is frightened and desperate to save his sanity, he foreshadows Room 101 by attempting to move his hatred to Julia; which succeeds, resulting in this infamous (and disgusting) scene:

Vivid, beautiful hallucinations flashed through his mind. He would flog her to death with a rubber truncheon. He would tie her naked to a stake and shoot her full of arrows like Saint Sebastian. He would ravish her and cut her throat at the moment of climax.

Is it a good coping mechanism? Absolutely not. But is it understandable under the circumstances? Yes. Does this character improve and grow as a person throughout the book? He does.

Anyway, that’s my opinion. Do with this what you will. Love it, hate it, agree with it, disagree with it, remain neutral — I don’t care. I’m just posting this because I like analyzing things a little too much.

(That, and I’m not a huge fan of all the black-and-white thinking I’m seeing with regard to “If you like this book, you’re a bad person and I pity everyone who’s come into contact with you” or “No real feminist should like this book.” Sorry, but that’s not how it works. I like watching Bonanza and The Rifleman too; but do I like shooting people with reckless abandon? No. I hate violence. I hate people who do violent things. I’d probably die on the spot if I even so much as touched a gun. Lots of people watch those kind of shows and feel the same way.

Same goes for I, Claudius fans. Just because they like the book or its adaptations doesn’t mean they’re a bunch of incestuous, baby-murdering, fig-poisoning, slandering misogynists; they simply have an interest in the Roman Empire, and (shockingly /s) are completely normal people with enough brainpower to know the difference between good and bad.

It’s not the media one likes to consume, but how they choose to act on it. You can enjoy something while also being critical of it and its author. The same principle applies here.)

(Sorry I’m in a pissy mood because I kind of got forced into a position of being someone’s makeshift addiction counselor and they call me All The Time, so I’m a bit intense right now; but my point stands.)

#Scary long disturbing post again #1984 book #nineteen eighty four #orwell #death mention #sex ment tw #abuse ment #csa tw #religion tw #rape mention tw #christ almighty this is a heavy post #literary analysis #classic literature #torture tw #I did this instead of working on the w4lk cycle #Oops #hyperfocus my beloved (derogatory)#This will help me with the adaptation’s script though

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mossy-cake-zone · 1 year

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SIGHS. SIIIIIIGHS. SIGHS SO DEEPLY. I just. Spent over $60 on dolls. I’m too autistic for this. I’m too. Autistic. I need a job jesus christ

#g3 monster high #monster high #skulltimate secrets #rainbow high #rainbow high dolls #monster high dolls #money ment #religion mention #religion ment tw

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sillypilled-friendcel · 7 months

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i forgor crucifixes were like a religious thing. i have then in my home becuz of my religious mother. did i think we were just protecting ourselves against the (very sexy) vampires who want to drink my blood(i would let them)(theyre very sexy)?

#religion tw #religion ment

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valiumgf · 7 months

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I'm looking for prayers to say for deceased abusive parents and while I'm not ready to say them out loud yet, I'm going to try to read them when I think of him

#txt #religion tw #abuse tw #death ment

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halekulan-i · 7 months

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The only thing C*tholics got is a sick-ass aesthetic and some really pretty stained glass windows.

#religion ment tw #nah it's all bastards from here bro

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sparklywatercolors · 5 months

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Have you ever tried your hand at flower arranging or creating floral crafts? If not, would you be interested in learning?

My neighbor is a florist and when I was younger I helped her arrange flowers for special occasions like corsages! She doesn't do them as much after my confirmation into the Catholic Church when I was in 8th grade. But she did make my sister's first wedding bouquet!

#i'm not catholic anymore #im unitarian now lol #personal #though i do just say im spiritual too #ask #anon #religion ment tw

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mogai-sunflowers · 2 years

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nothing will ever be funnier than campbell university, a SOUTHERN, CHRISTIAN, university, named their mascot GAYLORD. im dying

#reign rambles #religion ment #religion tw #tw religion

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miss-misamisa-amane · 6 months

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Light stabbing a hole thru L's side and then tingue fucking it. you understand.

#mdni #wound fucking tw #gore tw #religion ment #<- for the reference

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