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knithell · 2 years

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How would Sebastian and Ciel react if they saw that we were hurting ourselves?

Sebastian and Ciel reacting to a self harming reader

Hi luvvlyyuri, I hope everything is alright, please enjoy and I hope this comforts you. <3

TW: Self harm, cutting, blood, bruises, wounds, death, murder, other things…

•.* Sebastian *.•

•It was little at first, noticing bruises by the hems of your shirt, cuts lining your fingers, biting your nails just a little too hard… but it truly sinked in when Sebastian was fixing another laundry accident from Mei-Rin and noticed some bloody linens in a hamper. There were little drops here and there, and then harsh red lines dried and stained. He would gather it in his waistcoat pocket, careful to keep it hidden, before investigating once again, determining that the scent was yours.

•Certainly this hadn‘t been from any injuries you had gotten from chores… right? Sebastian had always been careful with you and your tasks at the manor. No, nothing too heavy for you to carry, nor to sharp to handle. Even when he had you plant harmless hydrangeas he made sure you were wearing the best made garden gloves London could offer.

•No, this was different. He thought back to the moments he had caught your sleeve rolled up a little too much, or your skirt raised just enough where he could see numerous bruises and deep, red cuts. The marks looked too purposefully done, done in places that were normally hidden beneath layers of clothing, only able to be seen if someone was observing closely. But Sebastian was always observing you, (even lightly stalking…), so of course he would find out.

•Sebastian was direct, never one to beat around the bush, but in this case he would try to be gentle. „What‘s this darling, hm? Oh it seems I spilt something on your shirt, forgive me. Let‘s clean this up shall we…?“ He wouldn‘t give you a chance to run away or hide, he‘d grab you, leading you to the nearest washroom before shutting the door and facing you. „Forgive me, but if I may…?“ He‘d gently grasp you, pushing your sleeve up ever so gently, careful to not let the fabric brush on the sensitive skin. „Oh darling. Why would you hide this from me? Now now, it‘s alright, Sebastian‘s here, you can cry. My poor, little dear…“ Regardless of any resistance you might have had to his touches and peering eyes, he would ensure you give in, not allowing you another chance of harming yourself by rejecting his love.

•Hugs, kisses, whatever you name, Sebastian is there in an instant, intent on not allowing you to harm yourself again. If he needs to restrain you, he‘ll wrap his big arms around you, cocooning you with his body as you sit there. Whether you‘re crying, screaming, kicking, or even just sitting there zoning out, he will keep you there, hoping the pressure helps.

•If that doesn‘t work, he‘ll go for a walk with you around the manor or in the gardens if you are restless and anxious, hoping you can blow some steam off that way as well. Keep in mind, though, that as a demon he may have less healthy coping mechanisms to help you with, and although he will disapprove of you physically harming yourself, you may be able to convince to have sex with you until you can‘t remember why you were hurting in the first place. This is what he is usually used to when humans are in desperate positions, so he may resort to this if he, too, gets distressed watching you struggle. He tries to avoid this with you, as you are not just any human, but his adorable human partner.

•He also reassures you constantly, if he feels you may struggle with self harm due to not being sure of yourself, he will try and help you with compliments and praise.

•.* Ciel *.•

•Missed meetings, forgetting tea time, leaving abruptly in the middle of him speaking with you… Ciel was certain something was off. Surely it wasn‘t something he said, always being careful with his love, his often harsh and cold nature wasn‘t something he felt was suited towards you. But now, he began to think of times he became short and impolite, of times where he had often declined walks in the garden in favor of his work… perhaps you were drifting away because of him.

•This was a major worry for him. His duties as an earl, a guard dog, and a CEO of a major company were endless, and Ciel thought that perhaps the stress from them had rubbed off on you and you decided to distance yourself.

•He was at a loss, you kept avoiding him, even when eating dinner together you averted your eyes under his worried watch. He decided that night he would confront you, even if you didn‘t like it, but he needed to reach out to you. Knocking on your door gently, Ciel would inquire if he could come in. Regardless of your answer, he would have Sebastian unlock it before ordering him away, eager to be alone with you. Looking at your form, he timidly would go up to you, sitting on the edge of the bed.

•“Something has been bothering you, my love… I would hope that it wasn‘t, well, that it wasn’t because of something I‘d done, and certainly not because of who I am as a person,“ he is nervous, glancing at you to the wall and finally dropping is gaze to the floor, „but, if that is how you feel, then I would do everything in my ability to uh, get better so that you can too.“ Ciel is beginning to hear the thump and rush of blood with every beat of his heart. His head is pounding and his eyes feel a slight sting to them. Only when you place a hand on his shoulder can he finally face you.

•You‘re crying. Tears are sliding down your cheeks, and you feel warm and embarrassed and horrible. You‘re crying and it‘s all you can do at this moment. He wraps you in tightly, listening to your sobs and your strained voice, which seems to yell at yourself. Your fingers are gripped tightly in his shirt and he understands. And that’s all he can do at the moment. All he can do is understand that that is the same voice that yelled out as he was abused and tortured, as his terrors came for him during the night, as the horrors replayed in his mind and when he blamed himself for it all. He understands that you blame yourself, just as he does, and as he gently pries you off him he asks to tell him if there was anything you did to take out your frustrations.

•You slowly pull up your sleeves and be tenderly grasps your forearms, turning them over to inspect the damage. “Just some cuts is all. And-well-maybe I hit myself too…” you are looking at him, not through him, when you say this. “Oh my poor little dear,” he’s caressing the marks now, careful to avoid anything fresh. But even so, he is curious, “I understand you seem to be upset with yourself, but is there anything in particular sweetheart?” The thought lingers and although you can tell him the specifics later, a few words leave your mouth.

• “I suppose, yes there are specific things, but it doesn’t really matter, and I know you’ll argue with that, but I don’t mean that it doesn’t matter in a way that it doesn’t matter if those problems are solved... I mean in a way that those are only the pieces. Life overwhelms me, it’s one struggle after the next, another thing to keep up with another expectation to meet. I can’t blame any one area or person for my pain, but I can blame one life. My life. I can’t blame you, because I know your life has also been broken and built up on pain, it’s just that it collides with mine sometimes and overflows, just a-“ “-a mess,” he blurts out. “Yes,” and that’s the last thing you two said that night before promptly snuggling in bed and simply laying with one another. Two painful lives twisted, something was bound to break. But now it can heal again…

•Ciel is careful with his words, but not like before. Not a babying or chiding tone, but a gentle yet honest one. He knows if he can express the pain he feels it may help you understand, (and himself for that matter), that it is never anyone’s fault that you hurt yourself. You hurt and cry just as he does, and you two work on expressing yourselves more. Sometimes if there are moments where you are simply too distraught, when certain things seem bigger and more daunting than others, Ciel wraps you up and promises he’ll take care of them. You notice that some more less than kind people have disappeared and later show up with all sorts of wounds in them. Some wounds that look like forks have been stabbed into them, and others with bullet like marks. Perhaps a small pistol held against them… Ciel tries his best to comfort you, and at the end of the day you always end up wrapped in his arms instead of in bloody bandages. It’s a nice change, for the both of you…

Sorry if I ended up having more for Ciel luvvlyyuri, the words seemed to write themselves for him!

#sorry if this was broken up a little weirdly #I was struggling with trying to not overexplain things #its a bit of a touchy subject that i am familiar with #so i wanted to be careful #black butler #kuroshitsuji #black butler x reader #ciel phantomhive x reader #sebastian michaelis x reader #ciel phantomhive #tw #tw self harm #tw cutting #tw bruising #tw gruesome #knithell #black butler x self harm reader #sebastian michaelis #this ended up reading like a story instead of just headcanons sorry!

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