#truly... dont know how to not push ppl away
house is autistic i will accept no criticism
i have so many thoughts about house and autism. this might be the most unhinged post on my tumblr yet but here we go
so house had the illusion of normalcy forced on him from a young age. i dont think thats like, full canon, but house talks about how his father abused him on more than one occassion and talked about how he was never satisfied or happy with house no matter what. so i truly dont think its a far reach to say that he would not have tolerated a "weird child." the thing that i think, though, is that all of his actions are a response to the fact that he's not particularly great at masking. he's afraid if he lets people close to him he won't be able to hide the fact that he's "weird" (aka bad). he intentionally pushes people away with his weird creepy comments and being an asshole and that's both him masking (if he's aggressively mean all the time no one will bother to look further) and a way of coping with the fact that he cant mask. the more he pushes people away the less likely it is that they'll see that he cares about things and that he's not "normal" like he's always been told.
i also think that as the show went on, he got less and less concerned about masking. he constantly stims, he hyperfocuses and burns out, he panics about change, he treats his fellows a lot more like family. once he got to a point in his life where his "weirdness" is not something he can be ruined for (he's tenured and he has people who will fight for him) he found himself a lot more able to be aggressively autistic, even if he struggles with it due to trauma.
a huge Autism Moment in the show for me is when foreman quits and house fires chase. house has been afraid his whole life of showing who he actually is, as mentioned. his fellows, though, are his People, they knew all of his shit and they never ran awayy from it. they didnt question who he was and what he knew, only his methods, and they were willing to fight back against him (something he's shown he loves). but then foreman quits because he "doesnt want to be like house" and this is house's worst nightmare. this is exactly why he had normalcy beaten into him, because being weird only makes it that people will run away once they know you. he dared to let people see a bit of who he actually is and how he thinks and acts and foreman essentially said "i cant stand to be like you." on top of that fear, his team became Different. he doesnt know if chase or cameron thought the same things as foreman, if they were also judging him or hating him for being autistic. it sent him into fucking panic mode because how is he supposed to trust them when he doesnt know if they agree with foreman!!!!! and even if he could, the team is Different and its for a reason he cant control and he cant just go back to normal. his method of interviewing his new fellows also shows this - how is he supposed to be able to tell if someone will be okay with who he is and if they'll work well together based off a short intervew where he's almost certainly masking the whole time????
anyway. to end this absolutely unhinged post ive put together an inconclusive list of autistic traits and actions from house, and i want to say that so much of this is him being written off as an antisocial eccentric genius and, while he is an ass that cant be debated, it clearly runs deeper than that!!!!
he doesnt understand how ppl feel (he repeatedly talks about how small talk is like a guessing game for him and he doesnt know what to say)
he doesnt like to be touched (for a lot of the show people just do Not touch him, wilson excluded)
he stims constantly and he needs Sensations
he's blunt, rude, somewhat monotone, etc
he has a hard time making friends
he has a hard time saying what he feels (he'd rather joke or be mean than analyse his emotions)
he has a routine that he Sticks To (even thgh its not exactly the same because of patients etc, he goes to work late, he talks to the same people, he sits in his same office. he's shown coming to work sick at one point and he doesnt rly go on vacation. plus when cuddy took his bloodstained carpet it was such a fundamental change to his life that he couldnt deal)
he notices Everything (yes ik this is a sherlock holmes thing but consider sherlock holmes - also autistic)
he has a method and train of thought that works for him and he is unwilling to break from it (he's shown at least once stopping the fellows from writing on his whiteboard, and after he loses the og three he continues trying to hold ddx's because its how he Thinks)
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WIBTA for inviting my cousin to an LGBT meet up?
Cw: mentions of suicide and transphobia
I (18M) am a trans man and my cousin N (21F) is a lesbian who is very masc presenting. We're the only queer cousins in the family (at least in our generation) so weve always been good friends and shes been one of the biggest supporters of my transition, defended me from bigoted family members and always corrected family when they used my deadname/old pronouns. I lowkey hoped she would come out as a trans man or nonbinary as well. We dress in the same style which makes it so when were hanging out together one of us is gonna get misgendered since people asume both of us are trans men or masc girls. When N is the one being misgendered she doesnt bother fighting it since its more trouble than its worth but looking back i think it really annoyed her.
Earlier this year N was severely struggling with her mental health. I apologize for the wording i may have since i dont know the proper terminology for this stuff or any specific disorder diagnosis she may have (other than autism). She was having some sort of manic or depressive episode. She was dead set on pushing people away and making them hate her so she could take her own life without regrets.
I visited N once to give her my support during a struggling time but i stupidly told her there was nothing she could say that would push me away. She told me not to test her but i kept pushing it and i admit what happened next was my fault. She told me in a very cold voice that she was a terf, though that she didnt want me dead but that "we" (im guessing she meant trans ppl) made it so much harder for her to exist(???????). I didnt let her keep talking just and left her room, said my goodbyes to her family and just cried while driving home.
Im still not sure if she meant it or if it was part of her mental episode and just a way for her to hurt me and push me away. On one hand ig it explains some of her behavior? N sometimes complained when she got asked for her pronouns or being misgendered like I mentioned before. On the other hand, I gen do not believe she has been a terf all along esp with how supportive shes been of me. If she was a terf youd think she would try to subtly talk me out of it, but that has never happened. My friends have nicknamed her schrodinger's terf lol
Anyway, i went no contact with N for a few months for my own wellbeing. During this time i heard that she tried to kill herself a few times, which got her into a mental hospital. She was given higher doses of meds and seems to be doing way better.
We had a family reunion this week and i decided to approach her. N seemed a little hesitant to talk to me but stayed polite. I tried testing her and talked about the effects T has been having on me but she acted like she always had and congratulated me and even complimented me on how deep my voice has gotten. I wasnt satisfied cause i wanted an apology for what she had said to me so i pushed it more. She did end up apologzing but it was a very surface level apology. At this point i didnt want to keep pushing in case it set her off again so i just took her apology (plus i wanted my best cousin back) and spent the rest of the day hanging out with her.
On the way home my mom said she was happy me and N had made up and that i should invite her to the lgbt club meetings Ive been going to this year. It seemed like a good idea to me, she lost a few friends during her episode and she could make more queer friends here. If N is trans and just in denial it could help her get the resources she needs to feel comfortable coning out. If N IS a terf maybe having more positive interactions with trans ppl could change her mind on it. Overall i thought it would be a win for her.
I brought it up to my friends and some of them blew up at me. Their argument was that itd be exposing the other trans ppl in the group to a terf and putting them in danger. I truly hadnt considered this angle so im kinda conflicted now. She had never felt like an unsafe person before and now that her episode is over she feels normal again. Even if she is a terf i dont think she could actually cause harm? I want N to get better but i dont want to put my trans friends at risk.
So tumblr, WIBTA for inviting N to my lgbt meet up?
What are these acronyms?
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this girl one time wanted to have sex with me and when i asked to use a condom she laughed it off and said it wasnt cool, and began to chip away at my boundary until i gave her what she wanted. she kept trying to get me to do things and i would say no, and she would continue asking anyway. in bed she said something like “you said you would” and that legitimately scared me, because it seemed like she was just blatantly lying to my face, or just forgot. then she called herself a succubus (A DEMON) and my gut screamed at me to be careful around her. sorry this may be TMI, but im anon so whatever, she said i could nut in her, which is the complete opposite of my original boundary. she was so sweet otherwise and communicated really good. except for when i texted her my concerns about being manipulated. she just became really defensive. im really happy im not “under her spell” anymore. i dont know what she was trying to do, but she could have hurt me really bad
its not tmi, its ok, you know me :p <3.. im sorry your boundaries were disrespected :( ill put my answer under read more cus its probly gona be long , this message had me contemplating some things..
IMO : sex is so tricky its been a struggle my whole life to understand how i feel about it & where my boundaries lie + allowing myself to express them so i understand the struggle u present here altho it's a different perspective.. some people use sex as a vehicle to gain power over others, by way of luring their partner into a state of vulnerability, i dont think that's something demonic necessarily i think it's usually more surface level than that. however
you do see a huge rise in the amount of ppl kind of, trying to personify the succubus nowadays? ppl have always wanted to be sexy but it's like different than the way ppl wanted to be sexy when i was younger. it got rly mainstream to have kind of a demon aesthetic if that makes sense? when i was younger this stuff was reserved for the relentlessly bullied & punished Goth and Emo kids.
but ok when i worked at spencers gifts in 2021/22 they had all these shirts of anime succubus girls getting choked and in bondage n shit, and these shirts were their best sellers they were outselling most the band tees and franchises like naruto.. and im telling youuu it was like, the youngest girls always buying these shirts, it made me so uncomfortable!! sometimes i would walk away and get my coworker to ring them up cus i was like nah im not selling a child that shit...but it really made me think like wow if i was in 7th grade and wore this shit to school it wou;dve been like wearing a giant KICK MY ASS!!!! target on my back but it's like, a popular thing rn.
and im not saying the bullying should return ofc, not the point. but it lead me down the string of thought wondering why this stuff is being pushed into the mainstream so heavily. sex sells i guess $$$ but yeah i think right now it's especially common to refer to yourself as a succubus if you're trying to feel a sense of power as a woman. because as a woman there are very few ways to gain power other than using sex. and many people want power! but i dont think most of them are demonic. just lost..
still its good u followed ur instinct to stay away from that girl because it is really cruel to manipulate someone in a moment where they've trusted you enough to be close to them like that.
yeah i think its rly rare for someone to be in some true demonic possession shit but i feel there can be dark things that linger *around* people who have weak spiritual armor and sort of, feast off their energy & create misfortunes around the person that generate bad energy for it to feed off of. but i dont think they have too much control over your actions like i would imagine for someone who's truly possessed. i feel a lot of ppl have these sort of ambient malignant attachments especially if they keep a lot of dark imagery & symbols around thinking it's just an aesthetic.
thas just my thoughts....really bored tonite so im typing a lot.... i love sex i think it can be so beautiful and restoring, it helps me feel so much happier in life to have good sex regularly i dont think sex or sexiness is evil. i just think its easy for ppl w bad intentions to turn it into this whole twisted ass mind game when it shld rly b so simple and natural and a loving connection that sets u free......be safe out there anon be discerning! protect you heart..<3
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listen if u think about it macdennis is tragic in a way. u just wanna buy some weed in high school and then when u realize u just met ur best friend and hanging out with him is the best part of ur day and u know what this is u fucking know it bc u dont feel this way with any girl but hes not into boys he'd be disgusted and probably cut off ties with u if u ever brought this up so u just push all ur feelings deep inside u then u come back from college and decide to move in with him bc u wanna spend every second with him and thats what u do and u become codependent u have the most fun when u're with him no one makes u feel like this he makes u laugh and then gives u the most warming smile in return bc he likes to see u happy hes the fucking love of ur life and no one in this entire world would understand u better than him its like u two are living in ur own bubble that no one can pop until ur sister calls u married couple and then like woah hold on ppl are starting to notice this wasnt supposed to happen but u cant stay away from him its not the same when hes not around so u go back to keep doing what u've been doing all those years bc u two are straight right everyone knows this and u're fine with what u two have u would rather have him like this than not have him at all, u already share a life together but things are starting to change its getting more obvious than hes gay he tries to kiss u once but thats all this is i mean who would not be physically attracted to u and hes too deep into his religious trauma to ever come out even tho everyone knows. and then he comes out. u're so proud of him and alongside this feeling theres also anger and jealously bc how dare he. how dare he ruin what u have how dare he take this weight off of him while u're not there yet how are u gonna keep having that relationship if now this has another implication, this is too real. and then a few weeks later theres stupid valentine's day that u fucking hate bc it reminds u of how no one is gonna truly love u or want to be with u if not in a sexual way and u just want that day to be over until u have the biggest realization. that ur best friend doesn't only wanna hook up with u. hes in love with u. he gives u unconditional love even if he thinks u dont love him back. he doesnt care bc for him loving is so easy its like second nature hes not ashamed of it and he doesn't care if the other person feels the same. u break down bc where was all this when u were teenagers why couldn't he have done this sooner why did it have to be now. u love him so much that u cant handle it and then u skip town thinking things are gonna get better and u're gonna forget him but u miss him too much. and then u come back but u're angry. angry that macs acceptance is trying to speak to a part of urself and make u confront feelings that u wanna burry deep inside u. angry that hes so open to love. that he seems so light now like he never was before. so u push him away and at the same time brings him closer and more depended on u bc the more u push him away the more clingy he becomes bc he would do anything for u and u love when he takes care of u he makes u feel safe and u wonder every day what it would feel like to be in his arms and to kiss him and to hold his hand and to wake up next to him. hes ur best friend ur roommate ur life partner ur business partner but u cant. u wouldn't know how to do this u wouldn't know how to love and to let urself be loved u need to remain in control. it hurts every time u scream at him and he gives u the sad puppy eyes he all he wants is to make u happy but u don't know how to act in any other way and then quarantine comes and u're forced to spend more time with him and its almost like old times just the two of u having fun together in ur own bubble without any worry or guilt and u want this back and ur sister says 'maybe u should get a boyfriend' and it hits u that mac isn't yours anymore he never was and soon enough hes gonna move on with someone else bc hes ready and u're not.
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Honestly have no idea if this is a narc crash or bpd splitting episode, but when someone implies I'm not good enough or accidentally rejects me. Or doesn't fit my expectations or standards or whatever, I often just get so enraged and disappointed in myself. Then I get upset with them. I feel like, I should be getting what I want and what I need. I need them to see me for who I am, and adore me and respect me and see my worth. But when I just... struggle with my own self-esteem, I just... feel so awful. I just dissociate, I lose my appetite, I get angry easily, and my brain won't shut up about how this person rejected ME. How they don't like ME. That I'm *flawed*. That I'm worthless. I might get paranoid that they're talking about me behind my back, using info against me, or they may abandon me. I begin to start thinking I'm superior to them in every way, shape, or form. I split on them at one point, obvi. But, I just... I end up going back to unhealthy behaviours (being dysfunctional, not taking care of myself, being too hard on myself, trying to be too perfect all the time, etc.) as a way to cope with these feelings of worthlessness. I just... get extra "I'm envious and jealous of you" feelings, and constantly compare myself with others on small levels like how well they can brush their teeth or how much sleep deprivation can they truly handle? Or how good their imagination is?? Idk. I just... I get so incredibly lonely, frustrated, and push everyone away during these times. I just want nobody around me, but also need someone to validate me and my existence. Bc it's so hard to validate myself, all alone. Idk. What the hell is this experience? And what do I call it?
at it's core, that's a spiral. it sounds very much like a narc crash, but i also dont know much about how bpd splits feel and so i cant comment on how close it is to those, but thats very much how those spirals used to happen for me
it's essentially a distress meltdown. so something upsetting happens, but because we never learned how to properly manage and handle distress, there's no framework to catch ourselves and validate ourselves, so we spiral down an abusive self hating rabbit hole. in an effort to claw our way out we attempt the maladaptive coping strategy of devaluing everything around us and everyone that hurt us because we dont know how to build ourselves up, only tear others down. but that doesnt actually work or give us real substantial comfort and so we just continue to wallow in lonely self hating misery and default to another maladaptive coping mechanism which is to purposefully reject the thing we need/want in order to further punish ourselves
so if we want validation and connection, we self isolate and reject ppl and push them away. we unconsciously continue to punish and abuse ourselves because we learned during development that when we are rejected its because we fucked up, and if we fucked up we need and deserve to be punished, and so we unconsciously punish ourselves in place of our previous abusers
but then our child-brain kicks in and tries to defend us from that punishment by again, devaluing and attacking everyone around us. because we also learned during our abuse that if someone hurts u, then u hurt them back to teach them a lesson. but none of these are real or healthy solutions so they dont make anything better, just worse
dbt has a lot of good coping strategies and mechanisms to stop those disordered patterns and redirect behavior towards more healthy and sustainable coping mechanisms and distress tolerance. i'd definitly start there using some of those keywords to search for more reading on it. it's a slow process and it takes a lot of steps and it doesnt feel like its working at first, but if u force urself to practice those techniques over and over eventually they very much do click and u realize ur not hitting those spirals anymore and are able to stop them early on so u dont fall the whole way down
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something that actually pains me to think about is that dustin and lucas dont really know how much mike cares about will, like mike rly keeps that whole will smile and voice in private around him, and only the byers were around for his monologue, and i feel like out of the 2, like lucas for sure sees it more because mike definitely made him bike across town in the rain to his house and then castle byers to apologize, while lucas like just sat in the basement when will stormed off (probably planning to apologize later as he literally did which is funny because its such a stark contrast to mikes apology) and idk maybe lucas saw it a bittttt then!! but i truly always see ppl say dustin would see it first but i feel like if either of them did, it would for sure be lucas? and also them all going to the movies and stuff… idk! like i dont think lucas truly knows how much but it just actually pains me that neither of them rly know how deep mikes /feelings/ run for will like idk, i honestly cannot get over mike, how depressed he was after the byers left, and how he canonically felt like he “lost” will and “youre upset that i didnt talk to you?” and just !!! mike !!! literally, explicitly stating that his relationship with will stands out among his group of friends !!!!! and god! im in misery. im in pure misery. and will confirming that he also pushed mike away? it makes me want to jump off a cliff. mike. wheeler. please. do not drown in my tears for you.
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what always confuses me about the chad kennedy thing was how exactly was he expected to give a shit and why does what he said amount to a meaningful destiel wasn’t real? sera for sure queerbaited the absolute fuck out of us but he was a relatively clueless new suit with no creative stake which is what he sounded like. that it had never been pitched to him formally and that he wasn’t aware spn intended to be a show about The Gays in his corporate speak aka at least on a network level it doesn’t seem like they were intentionally stringing us along for the money and the lulz. the media packets post-debacle for the first time calling all of them straight for their orientation and Certain Episodes was suuuuch a mean dick move tho and truly biting us back and i always wonder what carver was intending to pull forward considering he still got away with the cain and collette thing. i categorize sera as a firm queerbaiter but i’m fuzzy on carver and i think dabb had his favorites in the room and doesn’t count either
it'll just never not be funny to me that he got into hours long twitter back and forth with people about destiel like. chad you CHOSE to do that. n those tweets are preserved all over the place he definitely did start leaning into But Who Knows! aspect towards the end of it all which is. pretty classic def of bait. but yeah 9.03 was just. such a complete and total awful mess ppl even tangentially related to the show said such batshit stuff about it. i may be making this up but i SWEAR there was a commotion about a writer or somebody engaging w somebody upset about 9.03 confirming cas as straight and saying well who says sleeping with a woman makes him straight or sthing. mess. i honest to god dont think sera was baiting i think she was writing gritty angsty has a body count one sided homosexual undercurrents on purpose. i think if you asked her the destiel question she'd say something about cas being devoted and loving to this guy who doesn't have time for him. andrew dabb is. yes i know boo hiss andrew dabb but i dont think its bait i mean. quite literally while dean was widowing there were closed rooms where they were handing people surveys that said dean winchester: gay or straight? so i think it was A Direction that was Being Pursued by his favorites like you said and then when push came to shove andrew went hey cmaaaan im just a little guy and dropped it. i have never and will never understand the machinations of jeremy carvers twisted mind.
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What do you think was / is Lilith's greatest fear?
being useless. not having some greater purpose. being unlovable.
her whole life she has a purpose (become warrior nun) that is pretty clear cut yknow? but then someone else takes that purpose. someone who doesnt even understand it, doesnt appreciate it. n it frustrates her n angers her, sure. but it also hurts her. because if ava can have the halo just like that, what was the point of her legacy? if she was supposed to be the warrior nun, why isnt she?
so. no warrior nun. no greater purpose. okay sure. but she can still be of use. she can still fight, be a sister warrior, n begrudgingly help ava be the warrior nun lilith cant be. duretti wants the halo back, any means necessary? yes ofc on it. ava needs training to become the warrior nun n fight alongside her n the others? she's there, resentfully, but shes there, n even almost helps ava when she is stuck in the wall in that one scene. she needs to protect the halo n prevent it from getting taken by the tarasks into hell? she'll sacrifice herself. n thats what fucked her up. because now shes different. now shes *something*. she doesnt understand herself, her new powers, her new abilities. n if she cant help herself, how can she help others? even in s2, where we see her more in her skin in the first ep, it takes one hit to make her go back. she needs help, she needs to understand, she doesnt want to be a mystery, because she might be a dangerous one, n all she wants is to help. to be of use.
n under all that? all that emotional mess, that feeling of having to be doing smth to be worthy of anything? whats that under all that-? ah yes, a want to be loved. its in everything she does, yet she hides/masks it so well. she just wants to do good, she just wants to be loved. she tried to be the warrior nun, knowing or thinking it would earn her her parents love. didnt work, they dont love her. she keeps trying, keeps chasing that goal, keeps moving. but that part of her personality, that ambition above everything else. it drives ppl away. her friends hold her back, mary is fighting her. ava is afraid of her. n even after coming back all lilith can do is try. try to accept her new nature, try n accept this love shes given, but its hard. its hard to be loved when u think u need to earn it. its hard to be loved when u think u havent earned it *yet*. or that u shouldnt be loved. she wants it so bad, but will she believe it when she finally gets what she wants? when she has never gotten it before, not truly or purely?
she thinks love is this bargain almost. if lilith does smth agreeable to that person, they will love her. it makes perfect sense. so even with adriel it was like that. even with all he gave her or whatever, she still gave her loyalty to him. that was smth given, smth taken. only then it makes sense for her i think. she wants so badly to just. *be loved*. but she doesnt get it!! she doesnt get love because she never had it unconditionally from her fucking parents, who should've given her love just for being her parents n lilith their child, they never did that, always held that fucking warrior nun legacy over her, always pushed her into their agendas and NOW?? its all lilith knows. its what she was taught n shown in her formative, growing years, n trying to detangle that while: fighting demons, handling angels, training, meeting expectations that didnt even matter in the end, dying n coming back monstrous, NO ONE including her knowing how to deal with that, etc etc, we all watched the show. trying to make lilith see what love IS or what it SHOULD or COULD be, would be so fucking hard!! AND YET. ITS ALL SHE TRULY FUCKING WANTS!!! FUCK!!!!
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one thing mfs rllllyyyy cant seem to do is separate reality from fiction... "taboo" kinks and fanfic topics will always exist. dark romances and dark erotica always will. these will be the same mfs telling you to kys over writing non-con scenarios and then picking up a book like hooked or even a fucking colleen hoover one.
these will sometimws even bw the same people with taboo kinks themself - piss, whatever the fuck. cnc is as much of a kink as others !!!! you seriously DO NOT have ro tell ppl to kts over ir!!! it is not that serious i PROMISE you!! ESPECIALLY when its in fiction too.
your fanfictions would only be truly hurtful if they, you know, actually hurt someone — which is mostly impossible because if someone even happens to read a thirst of yours, they'll know to either back off because its not their thing or to indulge in some more since they like it. by continuining to reading ur fics, and getting hurt by it, thats THEIR fault because they had their warning.
you have rhe rules page for a reason, if someone ignores it, thats their fault. consuming media of topics that are harmful to you will always be your fault if you get hurt by it, since mosf times there will be content warnings for things. (this is different for media with obvious taboo topics that have no warning whatsoever - which can definitely happen and is unforrunate.)
all in all - dont tell people on the internet to kill themselves over fiction. over jeff the killed thirsts. over jeff the fucking killer fanfiction. you are chronically online and need help!
anyways. how u doing cadie <3 i hope ur doing well!
-🔪 nonnie <3
i couldnt have said it better myself honestly. thank you for putting what ive been thinking this whole time into words ! i’ve always been of the mindset that people need to curate their own experiences. if something makes them uncomfortable or triggers them just stop interacting with those themes ! block people, block tags, block content — there’s things you can do to protect yourself but if you’re purposefully exposing yourself to themes that you dont like who else is to blame but yourself ? there’s a reason i have warnings on my blog and warnings on each fanfic i post bcus it is important for people to know before reading something that it will contain things that might make a majority of people uncomfortable. so i dont know what else i can do when i have done every thing i can to make people aware of what i post. the only ones at fault are the dumb asses making themselves triggered and uncomfortable by reading my stuff when they know they arent comfy with the themes from the start.
pushing that aside bcus i dont want to feel bad today, IM DOING GOOD ! ! definitely needed sleep that fixed my mindset and mood by so much honestly <3 i hope you’re doing good too babes ! ! im still waiting for my jtk plush -_- but it was finally sent out to ship or whatever like ? ? ? 8 or 9 states away LMFAOOA so it probably wont reach me for a while unfortunately but im excited regardless ANDJAODOWM how are you ! ! tell me anything i missed while you were gone 😞
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What did you think of soyeons mama Diss? imo gidle never has been robbed by mama even if their fans like to say differently so I dont really understand the need for all that and soyeon sounds bad so😔
like when gd did it he was talking about other groups being robbed and how mama plays favorites and theres no actual guidelines and walked away with daesangs so it was kind of a moment
Soyeon sounds bad and the lyrics are corny she brags about gidle doing good that year and it's all what award are you gonna give us this year acting like gidle gets lots of awards when they don't and then she talks about rejecting made up awards but then accepts one literally like 5 min later😭 i honestly don't know weather that proves her point or makes her look stupid but like why is she fighting with air😭out of all the ppl who have gotten snubbed by mama she had to diss them and now gidles catching strays
But like the award was favourite female group and there's something going on there because why was there no favourite male group award idk maybe mama just gave that award to them to make her look goofy but then again it literally happened nearly right after her performance like they can't have done it that last minute
Anyways she's like rlly pushed as the next gd she's even said it herself that she wants to be the next gd on radio star so you get godle fans bringing up his mama diss but the comparison falls flat and maybe it's because I'm a hater and I think her lyrics suck but I just think there truly wasn't a need for all that
Like back in 2018 i really liked her and thought she was one of the better kpop rappers but now she makes me cringe and I need her to keep her mouth shut🙏
these are basically my thoughts about it
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sunflower etude ch5-10...;_;
Faust: It’s my fault that she turned into a cursed mana stone. If anything happens, please protect the children. If I am taken by the curse, take the children with you and run. Figaro should turn me to stone.
unreal things to say pt918723
Nero: .......... Haha.... Guess I can never win.
Faust: What?
Nero: So you’re also the type of guy who pushes his limits at the risk of his own life, huh. Man, I keep drawing the short straw.
UNWELL
scratching my head at faust & figaros convo. figaro thinks faust was the one who left him.......'you can rely on me' i also would have been pissed off faust LOLLLLLL 'i wont abandon u' FIGARRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (with the intention of violence) oh the first time figaro changes to a more serious expression rather than a smile in that convo is when he tells faust to trust him,,,,
Faust: Do I look unfortunate now?
PART TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.....oh im gonna be ill actually. 'do i need you if im unfortunate?' oh this. oh i. ? uargh. figaro.........part two figaro......i forgot this convo happened too... 10/10 conversation. exellent. can not explain my feelings on it further
I recall Lennox’s words. "I think the current Sir Faust would be better off with a role of some kind." At times, we can be crushed by the weight of our duties. But perhaps there are people who become their true selves only by taking on a role. Watching the Faust before my eyes makes me think that.
akira initially hesitating toward agreeing with lenos words to thinking this way..T_T rly glad... faust is ssoooooo cool in these parts, i lov leader faust........
Nero drops a handful of still-warm sunflower seeds into my hands. I carry my palm to my face and stuff my cheeks with the seeds. Nero laughs teasingly at the crisp sounds I make as I bite away.
Nero: Ahaha. You’re like a squirrel.
THIS IS UNFAAAAAIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Rutile: Mitile, are you hungry? Do you want some of mine?
Lennox: You can have mine too......
Akira: And mine.......
Mitile: Th-that’s not it!
STTOOPPPPPP LOLLLLL mitile & the ppl happily giving away their food for his sake.... rly like mitile & shinos relation....(but also mitile holding a lil grudge about how shino said mean stuff about southern wizards vs shino who did Not care further LOLLL) + the voiced line for mitile saying 'i dont have parents either' sounds ssooo defiant im so fond of that voice direction. nero & lennox saying they lived a safe life but also both of them saying the other doesnt look like they have..ohhh i need more of these two interacting yesterday......
Figaro: I’m always serious. But my wish will never come true, so I pretend I’m joking around.
Faust: For what purpose?
Figaro: Because I don’t want to get hurt. It’s the same reason I left your side.
head in hands. no comment.
actually this entire convo...........??? ill probably return to it later cuz what the hell.............anyway the way faust continuously has angry voice lines when talking to figaro. i get it. the end part of this ch is...@_@ figaro.........................................guy whos teachers are snow & white who have e/o...................
uu the eastern wizards;-; 'lets work together, even though we're people who can't be together'........
LENNOX CALLS AKIRA BY NAME IN THIS EVENT? <-FORGOT
Before I know it, tears have begun to flow from my eyes.
;-; akira....... also the repetition of hearing a womans laugh throughout the sentences is so good..........bianca.................(started ch10) BIANCAAAAAAAAAAA oh this event is so good...........faust hugging the sunflower.........bianca......its soooo beautifully written. its such a strong early event, like its truly 'this is mhyk' to me.....sets the mood & themes of what to expect of future events so greatly.
Akira: ....Yes, I think I have it. Um.... Will something scary happen if I mess up....?
I ask, timidly. Faust laughs in the rain.
Faust: I am a curseworker. If that ever happens, I’ll help you out.
the way fausts voiceline is voiced..T_T the lil laugh...
me thinking i only teared up this time:) didnt cry:) bam bianca is voiced. I CANT DO THIS..............TEARS....
Faust sees the stole around my neck and pauses mid-sentence. He smiles without saying a word, then reaches out towards me and adjusts the stole.
EMERGENCY MEETING. COLLAPSING. ough his following voice line is soooo soft too............
anyway. thumbs up emoji. reread was excellent. etudes being voiced is 15/10. had a lovely time with it, lots of great voice lines in there (nero was consistently a favorite). very well worth the time. i truly do love this event with all of my heart. i dont have a lot of further thoughts about it, its just. rly rly good. love how they have the characters interact
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em, well.. he called me today. the irony of it all is apparently when i was talking w/ that 1 guy after my ex years ago, i only told him cus he asked me out & i apparently said he didnt need to know that stuff and i dont remember ever saying that but he said he was hurt/caught off guard & therefore never shared any of his personal relations with me. i think i blacked those yrs out. i went thru a very bad & messy breakup and wanted a distraction, i don't remember him ever asking me out then but he said he remembered very well. i feel so fucking stupid. this basically all happened bc of me. and u were right, he said he /always/ had those feelings even after my ex but i felt they weren't there... so i never attempted anything until i built up our relationship again which is how it is now. but, the real kicker is.. i told him that i didnt want to be put in a position where if he was serious about me, that he'd talk to other ppl, but he said im basically asking for commitment and he cant give that to me unless i show that i'm willing to let him come see me or vice versa (which i just need more time for), until then, he's not going to tell me if he's messing with anyone but he said if things do get serious with someone, then he'll let me know to not lead me on. thats not what i wanted to hear. basically he's open to whatever happens with whoever, even if he cares deeply about me, but he cant promise to not talk to other ppl and i know its selfish, i just wanted him to wait for me, esp after all this time with trying and failing with wrong timings. the way he said "IF i get into a relationship, i'll tell u" gets me cause i'll only know if he makes it official, he said thats how its gonna be. and i honestly feel like i'll end up pushing him away cus the reality of that being possible hurts too much. he said he'll just have to accept it then. but even after talking i still feel as lost. i feel sad, ashamed i said those things i truly don't remember. but now i'm confused with my feelings. i know this is going to change everything. i can already feel myself wanting to pull away emotionally & put the guard i barely let down back up 😣
i am sorry sunshine :( but i'm really happy that you guys had the talk, you need to stay in contact with him no matter what, the silence can be the worst thing to do right now, so please try your best not to become closed off. the fact that you're both so hurt by this situation is so visible, my heart is breaking. although i really do understand both of you, and he is clear about what he expects and it's in your hands to decide what to do with it 🥺 you know... you have to understand that he is just trying to be happy too, just like we all do. it doesn't mean he only cares about himself, he was there for you through the bad times and he did wait for you, honey, but the thing happened years ago and he might be just tired of waiting, he just wants to find happiness and love too... i'm pretty sure he's probably just as hurt and confused by this situation as you are, but he cares about you and he wants to be with you, but maybe he cannot handle long-distance relationship, maybe he is tired of waiting, maybe there are other reasons he doesn't want to share because it's hurting him too much at this point, yeah? he probably started closing up on you because of that as well, that's why he stated his feelings in such harsh way. he probably doesn't mean to hurt you at all, he is just trying to protect himself.
so please, don't get me wrong, i may not be giving you the best advice or making you feel better which i'm really sorry for :( but i want to stay objective because the situation is tough, and help you understand how to deal with it, to look at your situation in a different light. I'm trying to guess what can be the issue and what you guys are going through, nothing I say is 100% right because I don't know the exact details and I will never know how exactly each of you is feeling. but what i know for sure is that one can stay strong for long enough, sweetheart :(
i understand that you might have blocked out the memories because of traumatic past and that is completely valid and I'm really sorry for what you went through, you deserve the best of love and care :( it's something he should be understanding about especially that he asked you out when you were still in pain, you probably weren't ready for something serious and i will allow myself to guess the guy you talked with was not considered as something you were serious about, right? you probably hoped for it, looked for it, but deep inside you probably might've been looking for a distraction, something to make you feel better, right? and since he was your best friend it was a different situation, although he probably chose to ask in a bad moment, he shouldn't blame you entirely for that and now act like it's all your fault, but i also understand why he was caught off guard and hurt by that, he was angry and jealous, he wanted to be with you and realizing you didn't choose him was probably very painful, although now he might feel like you realized you have feelings for him because you have no other options, and he wants you a strong and secure feeling from you to feel safe in it, but please don't get upset with my words, let me tell you something first, love.
Let me tell you a story, I myself also went through a similar thing and i also had to deny my best friend a long time ago, because of other reasons but one of the main ones was long distance, i never loved him but i cared for him that's another difference because your friend actually HAS feelings for you, but i know how my friend has felt when i kept explaining him why we can't be together, it made me feel terrible. yet, his feelings for me didn't lessen apparently, and to this day, sometimes, he still implies that his crush on me never went away. but in the meantime he was in many other relationships, serious ones and purely physical ones, while also not telling me much, i probably don't know about a lot but it's his life and not my business - my point is that, he also tried to be happy even while still actively hoping i would give him a chance, because he cares for me more than he does for the people he dated (but again in my story it didn't affect me because i never loved him that way). now picture yourself in our situation, he actually does love you but you guys can't be together right now because of some reasons, and he probably isn't feeling confident about your feelings for him because of the past events, which is why he asks you for "100% yes" or "100% no" right now. unless you give him an answer he waited for for a long time, he has the right to try and look for happiness elsewhere and not involve you in it, he might not be comfortable with sharing that he is having flings with others with someone he actually loves, simply because he doesn't want to hurt you, but it's just natural that he is looking for distractions, he is not looking for someone to replace you but he's also clearly not sure of your feelings for him, do you know what i mean now? he doesn't want the past to repeat, when he already waited for a long time, maybe tried to move on even. i know you don't want him to treat you like a 2nd choice and what i just said might look exactly like he's doing it but i personally don't see it that way, that REALLY is not the case, in my opinion it's the opposite and you are clearly his 1st choice, from what i deducted he also just told you that, but since you were/are out of reach he is trying to find other ways, even if it hurts him that they're not you.
don't close your heart up on him, honey. i know you're anxious and in pain, just try to understand his position, alright? you're both hurting a lot but you care for each other deeply and misunderstanding is not something that should be an obstacle, so please, the only way out of it is to talk to each other and be honest. maybe you could consider making some sacrifices to defeat things that stay in your way of saying "yes" , if relationship with him is something you truly want?
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HI HELLO omg are you still open to those emoji asks you reblogged ? because if SO
Ashi - 🍑🍎🥑
Vin - 🍇🍅🥝
Strike - 🍆🍓🥕
i hope this isn't too many!! :')
OH!!! I totally am!! Thank you so much for the interest!!! 🥺💞
Its not too many at all please ask as many as you would like anon💞💞
Ashi:
🍑 [PEACH] How do they show their kindness? How kind are they truly?
-Ashi shows kindness through either physical affection or giving small gifts that made him think of the person. He for the most part tries to be kind to people, especially people hes closer to.
🍎 [RED APPLE] Who does your OC value above all else?
-okay bear with me for a second. There are two canon versions if Ashi. one of them is in my canon Story called Weather Warning and the other in my bf's called Recusant Analogs.
In Weather Warning, the most important people to him are his two boyfriends named Pivot and Sulfur. They are in a polycule.
In Recusant Analogs, the most important person to him is Tom. It comes much much later in my bf's universe but Tom is Ashi's future Husband. (I mention both universes bc i love the Polycule but Tom and Ashi aka Crack the sky has a special place in my heart)
🥑 [AVACADO] What will they never back down about, even if it makes them seem bad?
-Ashi will never back down when it comes to the people he loves. He will protect them even if he knows they are in the wrong he wont let anyone hurt them or speak badly of them.
Vin:
🍇 [GRAPES] What's their circle of people/their species like? What dynamic would they be called?
-His friend group is actually rly fun. It consists of old friends from before he was forced into his long slumber. They all share a common goal which is to rip the people who put him and his bestie into that slumber by keeping them on the brink of death. They are out for revenge but are also hilarious and the words to describe them are chaotic unhinged
🍅 [TOMATO] How misunderstood is your OC? In-universe or IRL.
-Vin was extremely misunderstood. He wasn't as charismatic as his twin brother was so he came off as meaner and an ass hole at times. This made it easy for his twin to plot the betrayal that sealed him away.
🥝 [KIWI FRUIT] How does their outside appearance differ from who they are?
-Vin usually takes on the appearance of a mostly normal person. Most the time his tail isnt even visible. On the inside this man has so much rage and unhinged energy. Hes ready to tear ppl apart at the drop of a hat and will go from normal person to unhinged goo monster in .5 seconds.
Strike:
🍆 [EGGPLANT] How are they used by others? How easily are they tricked into this?
-Strike gets emotionally and physically used by people often. (Dont worry they have some really good friends and a supportive bf so they are doing fine). They are easily tricked into these things due to their need to please. They want to do good and want to please people who ask things of them often times this leads to them becoming blinded by whatever task is at hand and not how its affecting them or how they are being treated... often times they even ignore their own bad feelings and keep pushing themself for others until they break.
🍓 [STRAWBERRY] How do they feel about 'cute' things?
-Strike usually seems to be a bit stand offish and cold to strangers but if you're their friend you will know they are actually kind of soft. They love flowers and soft things. They aren't even that secretive about it tbh. They just like cute things and aren't afraid to talk about it to their friends.
🥕 [CARROT] How tough is your OC against certain situations? How weak are they against others?
-Strike knows how to really buckle down and become cold when they need to be. When things are tense ESPECIALLY if its storm chaser related they are extremely tough, almost too much so. They are weak against wanting to help people they care about tho, even if it causes them a lot of stress.
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Reading you based on your obey me Kin
i will be ruthless and im not holdin back!! ok now say it with me😈
Lucifer
I kin Lucifer and I have a hard time reaching out to my friends for help even when i know i need it. I don't want people to get worried about me so i mask my issues and help everyone with thier issues, completely disregarding my own needs for a break. in the end i feel alone because regardless of saying im ok, i want someone to truly sit with me and ask me if im ok, but i fear that moment because im not used to dealing with my own issues
Mammon
I kin Mammon and i just want to feel seen and loved. sometimes i do stupid/dumb things to get the seratonin that comes from making people laugh. i feel like no one ever listens to me and it makes me feel insignificant and like the last one to get picked. i truly want to be myself and fear that if im not the odds one out by doing little dumb things people will think im essentially worthless and most likely think im borning. I have a hard time talking about my feelings and want to so desperately, that if i do i won't know what to say or where to start due to the many emotions i've bottled up throughout my life
Levi
I kin Leviathan and i have very bad anxiety. i have a difficult time making friends and part of that reason is bc im scared they already hate me or want nothing to do with me. I know my interests are different from what is considered the norm but i so desperately want to talk and ramble about said interest for hours to someone who will at the very least listen. I get bashed about the things i like by my family and although i dont show it, this hurts me deeply. I lock myself in my room and indulge myself in my favorite things bc each character makes me wish i had certain aspects of them and makes me wish i lived an interesting life but bc of my anxiety it's extremely hard for me to do so. Im also used to being the last one picked and often assume i will always be the last one picked no matter how many times im reassured and deep down i want someone to relish in my own interests with me and truly love and care for me
Satan
I kin Satan and i have a horrible realtionship with my father. I Loathe my father and the tension arises every time we a near one another. A part of me feels terrible that i loathe my father because i know he has his own mind and emotions and i want to forgive him for what he's done but in the end I know it's fruitless to forgive him bc he has put me through alot of pain and hurt. i wish things couldve been different and we couldve had a normal bond. I also hide my emotions very well and am ashamed of ever feeling angry bc it makes me feel like i am horrible person. im also not used to affection and have only ever seeked or felt genuine affection from my pets. I also fear as if i have no personality and that im boring.
Asmodeus
I kin Asmo and i feel like i need to act confident around others in order for them to like me because im too scared to show people my insecurities because i fear they will never view me the same again and leave me in disgust. I want everyone to like me and I also can't handle when someone doesn't want to be my friend or doesn't like me bc i feel if there's something wrong with me. the need to act confident and cute all the time makes me oblivious to the fact that my insecurities shine through at times and make me even more oblivious to the fact people like me for who i am, insecurities and all
Beelzebub
I kin Beel and i have some form of sepreation anxiety towards my favorite person. i often get a sudden fear that something bad will happen to my fav person even though everything is ok. I get made fun of or scolded by my eating habbits and it makes me feel absolutely terrible because i'm trying. i also care very deeply for my family/friends and will do anything for them. i place unnecessarily guilt onto myself and perfer to do so, so that no one else has to bear the burden.
Belphegor
I kin Belphie and i act as if nothing matters but i secretly am very worried and care alot about my friends/family. I also stay up very late because i feel like i have no control over my life during the day and for some reason i feel like staying up late gives me some kind of control. I also hide my emotions with a sarcastic tone and usually think about the the mistakes ive made in my past while i cry in bed. i dont ask others for help emotionally and i want someone to care and listen to me as well as to relish in a calm peaceful life.
/Undatables/
Diavolo
I kin Diavolo and i fear that telling ppl i care about them isn't enough to get the message across so i constantly gift people things in hopes to show them i care. i also fear gifting things too much drives people away from me, i also dont get included much with friends and feel as if i have done something wrong. i also feel very upset when a fun time is over because the feeling of happiness goes with that moment, so i constantly throw little parties and whatnot to relish in the joy but feel upset once it's over. i can also read people well and get put on edge or very cautious when i cannot read someone
Barbatos
I kin barbatos and i constantly take care of others never once letting myself take a break. I hide my emotions behind a smile in order to not worry others and because i dont want dont ppls sense of depency on me to be ruined. i rarely let myself take breaks bc i fear that i wont be there for the person i care about when they need me.
Solomon
I kin solomon and i usually supress my emotions to hide the fact im not very used to being shown affection and that im not as confident as i seem. I also am a very private person but the fact im so secretive makes me disliked by some bc they think i dislike them. i also wish my friends would include me in more events with them and when they dont i bury myself in an activity to hide the fact im upset about it
Simeon
I kin simeon and i want to know and make sure they everyone is ok. i know just how to push and pull people's buttons but i wont abuse this because i care about those people. i'm also very hard to read and perfer to give people advise rather than answers to their problems. The constant taking care of others makes me forget that i also need time to just myself. It takes alot and i mean alot to anger me but once it happens it's not very pretty.
Luke
I kin luke and I want to take care of everyone and often forget to take care of myself. People often dont take me seriously and so i often i find myself baking as a coping mechisim bc it makes me feel in control of little things. I also have a hard time admitting that i care about others and i'll unknowingly show my affection that i do care about them by giving them little gifts and advice. im also very oblivious to certain topics and are i get mad when i get left in the dark about certain topics.
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