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nonhumanresources · 7 months

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Catnip For A Sphinx

A while back I met my friend Snepril and got to talking about character lore. Being the person I am I started making jokes about catnip and one thing led to another and a few days later I dropped a story on her head. Here's that story! This one should be a hit with the otherkin in the crowd. Also, her wife Skye is featured, who has since succumbed to kitty propaganda.

Summary: April buys novelty catnip wine for her cat to try out and decides to give it a taste herself. She quickly discovers that she might not be quite so human as she thought—and also that she loves catnip.

What to expect: lots of fluff (literal and metaphorical), TF in the form of a permanent glamour dropping for the first time to reveal a true form, lots of otherkin vibes, the silly actions of an extremely large cat in an extremely normal-sized apartment, wings, hugs, wives, and collars.

Length: 3.7k words.

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“I’m hooome!”

April knocked open the apartment door, knob twisted with an elbow. She backed in, arms laden with groceries. It was almost too much to carry, but she only had to take one trip from the car, so it was worth it.

“You get everything?” Skye, her partner, appeared out of the hallway. She gave April a one-armed hug and tucked her chocolate-colored hair behind her ear and out of her face. Without asking, she grabbed the grocery bags off of one of her arms.

“Of course I did,” April said, nudging Skye’s foot with her own. “I can carry these, silly.”

Skye stuck out her tongue in reply. “I know.” The two lugged the food into the kitchen, setting it on the counter to sort out and put away. A particularly heavy bag made a loud clink as Skye set it down, and she tugged it open, curious. She snickered as she pulled out a glass bottle with a familiar reddish-purple tint.

“Oh my god, where did you find this?” Skye asked, delighted. “Pinot Meow? Incredible.”

April laughed, shoving a carton of eggs into the fridge. “Walmart! That was the last one on the shelf. I need to see Zorua two glasses deep in that stuff.”

Skye grinned, eyes glinting. “Perfect. Yes. Oh, this weekend is going to be fun.”

Rest of the story below the cut. If you prefer a Google docs reading experience you can find that here but only if you reblog this first or I cast magic missile. As always, comments/questions/thoughts would be lovely! If you made it this far, may your days be filled with the wisdom of the fat boar resting in dappled sunlight.

“Is he still pouting in the bedroom?”

“Mhm. Won’t budge.” The couple’s cat, Zorua, was a little fiend of a man. His fur was as gray as his morals, as Skye liked to say. In reality, he was just needy and particular; they’d forgotten to make his bed just right that morning and he’d been grumpy all day. April figured this was a good way to make amends, and also get kitty blackmail for later. Plus he was all out of treats, so a temporary alternative was needed.

“Well, intoxicating substances solve all problems,” April declared, snapping the fridge door closed as she dropped the last few tomatoes into the crisper. Skye giggled and pulled her in for a proper hug, their foreheads pressed together.

“A kitty like you would know, wouldn’t you?” Skye teased. April squeezed her.

“Maaaaybe!”

“Well, my love, can you get started on dinner? I’ve gotta shower and finish up something for work.” April nodded, breaking the hug and letting her partner head to their makeshift office space.

“Mind if I pop open the cat wine?” She called out.

“Go for it, but don’t get him too drunk without me!” Skye replied, laughing. April snagged the bottle in one hand and a shallow plastic bowl in the other, walking over to the bedroom door. She pushed it open slowly, and sure enough, there was Zorua, sitting on the bedside table with his nose in the air. She clicked her tongue, and he opened one eye, glaring at her.

“Aw, who’s a grumpy man?” April jibed. Zorua closed his eye again and turned away. “Still mad, hmm? Well, I’ve got a treat for you,” she cooed, tiptoeing over to sit on the bed. She made sure not to make it seem like she was actually approaching him; that would only make matters worse. Setting the bowl down on the floor, she twisted the cap on the bottle, popping the seal.

Immediately, the smell snuck out into the air. April almost sneezed, surprised at its strength. She checked the bottle; mostly water and catnip, with beet for the color. Perhaps catnip smelled stronger than she remembered? Regardless, it was strangely appealing. She poured some out into the bowl, only about half an inch deep, and pushed it into Zorua’s view, hoping the smell would be enough to get him to investigate.

April stood up once more, ready to go cook dinner, but she hesitated, staring at the bottle in one hand, curious about its contents. Perhaps a little too much so. What did it actually taste like? Catnip didn’t have any particular allure for a human that she knew of; it was literally named after cats, after all. If it was poisonous, the bottle would say so, so why not try it out? Glancing over at Zorua, she gingerly sniffed the cat wine again, then tipped it back, taking a small sip.

The flavor hit her palette so explosively that she got knocked back on the bed, legs collapsing underneath her. April gasped and coughed, shocked at just how incredible it was. She considered taking another sip—and by the time she had, the bottle was already tipped back in her mouth, brain playing catch up with her instincts. Zorua watched from the bedside table with concern on his furry brow as April drained the rest of the cat wine, then darted away yowling as she flopped on her back, as fluffy as the blankets, the bottle shooting out from between her paws.

The room swirled. April stared up at the ceiling, blinking rapidly. She licked her lips, long tongue flicking out and swirling across her muzzle. Her cheeks felt weeeeeird. Like there was something on them. She swiped her paws across them, squishing her face; it didn’t help the weird, twitchy feeling, though. She grunted, limbs wriggling as she flipped herself over, standing up on all fours on the bed. She smacked her maw, letting out a soft, happy mrrrp! The sphinx’s wings fluttered, sending the warm air swirling about between her feathers.

That cat wine was delicious. Her whole body was buzzing with warmth, radiating outwards and into the mottled gray and white fur. She’d have to buy more of it….

...Was there… something to do…?

Dinner! She still had to cook! April’s eyes shot open, and her wings flung out to the sides—one of which slammed into the wall and shoved her right off the bed, yowling and tumbling to the floor.

Finding her feet, April fluffed up her fur, indignant. How dare. She gave the wall a solid, fifteen second glare to show her displeasure. Standing, the bed was a foot or so below her shoulder; it used to be way taller, but she didn’t pay that much mind, as her nose caught a scent that made her pupils dilate.

Pinot Meow. There was more! Of course there was—she had poured a bowl out earlier. Wobbling on her paws, she slunk around the corner of the bed frame.

Zorua was there already, slurping up the cat wine. “Heyyy!” April whined, scooting forwards and almost tipping herself over. She skidded to a stop, accidentally dunking a paw in the wine. Zorua made a sleepy fffss! at her, and she stuck her tongue out. She sniffed at her paw—then promptly stuffed it in her mouth, ears flattening happily.

April crouched, lapping from the bowl, purring. She was a human, of course, so it was a little undignified, but only Zorua saw it, and he was no snitch. No one else had to know. The cat stomped away from the bowl, steps unsteady. He made a fuss about it, but no amount of shaky swiping at April’s ears could get her nose out of the wine. Her tongue slowed; after drinking down half the bowl, she leaned forwards, muzzle dunking into her drink. The purring grew louder and more intense as she rested. Her eyes closed to slits, bubbles breaking the surface of the wine each time she breathed out of her mouth, her nostrils wide.

April rested like that for a while, not quite napping, but certainly out of it. Even though she was quite large—human sized, she told herself smartly, although in reality it was closer to a toy horse—the amount of catnip-infused wine she’d drunk was doing a serious number on her. Taking in deep whiffs of it, her mind wandered, imagining soft blankets, beds strewn with treats, the liquid gold of sun rays….

….

“April?!”

The sphinx snorted, sucking up wine into her nose. She coughed and splattered it all over her face, accidentally tipping the bowl over with a paw as she spun to face the doorway, tail stuck straight up in the air. Her wings flapped madly, gusts billowing around Skye, who let out a sharp cry.

“I was NOT sleeping!” April declared. To Skye, it sounded much more like “Mor-oooow!” Her eyes flicked back and forth between the stain on the carpet and April’s face.

“Oh my god, you got into the cat wine, didn’t you?” she burst out.

“NO,” April huffed. Or rather, “MROW.”

Skye didn’t listen, gripping the door frame. “I can’t believe you ACTUALLY turned into a sphinx, and the first thing you do is get kitty wine everywhere!”

“It’s—I’m clearly still human, see?” April countered, sitting back on her haunches and holding up her forepaws, swinging them a bit as she tried to keep her balance. Skye giggled despite the amazement on her face. The sphinx planted her paws on the ground and stood, indignant, ready to march over and give Skye a piece of her mind. Walking wasn’t easy, unfortunately, and she found herself face-planting on the carpet with a surprised brrr! Her wings flapped once, then settled on either side of her like a disheveled cloak.

“Drunk cat,” Skye scoffed, looking down at April. “Let’s get you cleaned up. I guess you didn’t make dinner, then?” The sphinx looked away, huffing.

Skye disappeared, returning a moment later with a towel. April stumbled back up to her paws, sitting firmly on her haunches to keep from falling over. Her partner sat on the edge of the bed and gestured for April to come over to her. “Here, I got something to get all that wine.”

April huffed, head held high, the picture of sphinxly, catlike pride. But human, of course. She wasn’t actually a sphinx. That would be silly, she thought, pawing at the whiskers still tickling her face.

“Is someone grumpy?” Skye accused, folding her arms and furrowing her brow in a caricature of frustration. “Is someone all mad because she made a mess?”

“Ech-ch-ch-ch!” April flicked her tail, making SEVERAL dissatisfied noises at Skye, who echoed each one back at her. She didn’t even get the subvocal tones right. April heaved herself back to her feet and marched over, lecturing Skye on proper throat positions (really just a bunch of indignant meows), but the moment she felt Skye’s hands on her ears, her butt hit the floor once more, a purr bubbling up her throat.

Skye dabbed the towel on April’s chin. She glanced away, grunting, but Skye gently pushed her face back towards herself, rubbing the towel into her wet fur.

“Mrrrp.” April’s eyes crossed.

“Hmm? What’s that?” Skye cooed, digging her fingers into the sphinx’s cheek fluff.

“Mrrooooowwwwww.”

“Oh, someone has OPINIONS,” Skye sang, mopping up April’s throat. As she moved the towel up and down, her purr-growl went up and down in tone with each pass.

“Ffffsss!” April sputtered like a dying engine, the statement sending her already impaired brain into a tizzy.

“Opinions too big even for a big kitty like you! They’ve gotta get out!”

“Mmmrooooow!”

“Go ahead, tell me all about it.”

April kept up the back-and-forth with Skye for some time while the latter cleaned off her face and neck. It took a while, but finally the soaked towel was tossed aside. April’s nose followed it, but Skye cupped her palm on the side of her face, fingers scritching under her floof.

“No more of that for you,” she chided. “You’ve had more than enough.”

April chattered at her, but opted to not argue, since staying put meant more pets. She leaned into it, blinking slowly up at Skye, who smiled down back.

“What are we gonna do with you, huh?” she mumbled. April wasn’t entirely sure what she meant—she was just a little bit drunk, after all—but stretched her neck out and gave Skye a reassuring lick on the cheek. She laughed, pushing her face back. “Aw, come on, you have kitty breath!”

April didn’t stop, planting her paws on either side of Skye on the bed and licking her cheek again. Skye made a valiant effort, but couldn’t keep the cat away, giggling. After a moment, though, April shrunk back. Her muscles bunched, fur rippling. Before Skye knew what was going on, April leapt up onto the bed, pushing her into the middle of it and, fwump, dropping right on top of her. Muffled protests sounded from somewhere under the mound of fluff, but April could hardly hear over her own purr.

Wings fluttering to rest splayed across the bed and drooping to the floor, relaxed and content, the sphinx nodded off, soon followed by her partner, slipping into the realm of fluffy dreams.

___

April awoke to sunbeams warming her back. Her head felt like it was full of cotton. Skye was already up; April could hear her puttering about in the kitchen. She stretched, ears flattening, wings shuddering before collapsing back down flat. Something about them felt… off, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. She yawned, arching her back, tail fluttering in the air. She stared down at one of her paws, admiring the rosettes that coated her fur.

Paws.

Those… didn’t have fingers.

“I’m a SPHINX?!” April’s yowl brought Skye running in from the kitchen, decked in an apron. She stood on the bed, fur on end, wings raised and knocking against the ceiling as she heaved in and out. Skye raised her hands placatingly.

“Hey! It’s okay, I’m here, you’re fine!”

April stared at her, eyes wide with disbelief. “What happened?!”

Skye scooted up to the edge of the bed, gesturing for April to close her wings. She did so slowly, regaining control over the massive appendages, settling down in a loaf on the bed. Skye rubbed one of her ears, eliciting a purr.

“The cat wine triggered something,” she explained. “At least, I assume. You had it all over yourself.”

“Seriously? I got all furry because of catnip? How is that stuff even legal if it does… THIS to people?” April groaned.

“Well, you are a bit of a unique circumstance, to be fair.”

She sighed. “I suppose.” The sigh blended into the purr as Skye moved her hand to the other ear.

“The catnip was probably normal, and maybe all those conversations about hiding in a human form were your subconscious trying to signal you. Or maybe it was actually magic catnip. Does it really matter, though, when you were a sphinx before and you’re a sphinx now?”

April leaned forward and bonked her forehead against Skye’s face. The words felt warm in her chest, and when she tried to speak, all that came out was a stutter and an affectionate mew.

“I guess what was the right thing to say, then,” Skye chuckled, hugging her sphinx. “I made breakfast, since you were too busy catting it up last night to make dinner. C’mon, I’m starving.”

Skye stood, and April followed, thumping down to the floor and plodding along behind Skye. Her nose twitched, and she realized that she knew what she’d find in the kitchen before even getting near the doorway.

Sure enough, there was a bowl of cereal and fruit sitting on the table alongside a plate with a few slices of simple grilled chicken. Zorua was fixated on it from one of the counters, but upon seeing April, bounded down and out of the room. She didn’t mind; more for her. She could already feel her mouth salivating. Skye pulled out a chair and sat down; April nudged the one on her side out of the way, more than large enough to sit on her haunches and still reach her plate. She sat down daintily, and promptly attacked her chicken like an animal. Skye just laughed and ate her breakfast in silence.

What was going to happen next? April could already tell that this meal wouldn’t be satisfactory; she was a big cat, and big cats needed to eat a lot. That was going to be expensive. Not to mention her job—she worked from home, but IT was going to be extremely difficult with a keyboard built for hands. A small shiver went down her spine; she really did have paws. She’d checked four times already. As exciting as that was, that still meant half the income if she couldn’t figure out work, and could get away without showing her face anywhere.

There was so much to consider. Was a wardrobe necessary? How could she get outside? This apartment wasn’t made for a cat that was almost as tall as the average human; she barely fit as is. Oh, god, what about bathrooms? She’d need a litter box half the size of the living room! She DEFINITELY wouldn’t fit in the bathtub, even using the showerhead—was she going to have to lick herself clean? Did sphinxes have to do that sort of thing at all? Was she actually mythical, or just unconventional? There… was a sort of blue glow at the edges of her vision, if she didn’t focus on anything in particular, and looked at juuuust the right angle….

…

She blinked, eyes focusing on her plate and the last abandoned strip of chicken. April looked up and saw Skye looking at her, concerned.

“What now?” she whispered.

Skye sat in thought for a moment, then set down her spoon. “Honestly? Not a clue. But hey, aren’t we lucky that you gained a mighty sphinxly form on a weekend?”

April smiled. It was lucky. Far more time to sort things out. She bent down, predator’s teeth easily snatching up the last bite of chicken.

“I’m just glad you can talk now. You were so wacked out on catnip last night that you couldn’t do anything but meow!”

April’s eyes bulged, nearly choking on the piece of chicken. She barely managed to keep her wings in check, lifting a paw to her chest instead as she swallowed. “I what?!”

Skye nearly fell out of her chair laughing.

___

“I’m hooome!”

April’s ears perked up at the sound of the front door. She climbed to her paws, circling around furniture lithely, feathers brushing up against chairs and walls. The apartment was small, but she could deal with it.

Skye stood in the entryway, a bag dangling off one arm as she took her shoes off. She smiled at April, reaching out and running a hand through her hair. “How was your day?”

“Lazy,” April remarked, purring and rubbing up against Skye’s legs, almost pushing her off balance. “Big cats need lots of sleep, after all.” Skye laughed.

“Big cats also usually don’t work in IT, Miss Sfeenks.”

April chuckled back, tail coiling and uncoiling around one of Skye’s ankles. She stuck her snout into the handles of the plastic bag. “I can carry that for you.”

“If you insist!” Skye responded, slipping her arm out. The light bag settled on the bridge of April’s nose. “Just don’t look inside, you’ll ruin the surprise.”

“I thought you were just buying lint rollers.”

“Well, that was the plan. You’ll see soon enough!”

April shrugged, plodding back through the living room to go and drop the bag on the bed. It couldn’t have more than one or two things in it, based on the weight. She slowed to a stop, one paw still held in the air, as the bag bumped against her whiskers. The sphinx stayed frozen like that for a few seconds, before her nose twitched and she let out a huge sneeze, covering it with a wing.

The bag didn’t fall, but one handle did slip off her nose. She pawed at it, bapping herself in the face on accident, determined to get it back on while simultaneously not looking down.

After much trial and error, April managed to slip the loop back over her nose and carted the bag to the bed, where she deposited it without incident. Skye followed shortly thereafter; April settled down on the floor in a loaf, legs tucked comfortably underneath herself and eyes half closed. Skye sat on the edge of the bed, pulling out the lint roller she’d gone to buy, attacking the sheets with it. April had found that even with the colder weather, she was shedding. It was going to be awful in the summer. At least she’d get brushed, though. That was a compromise she—

“MROW!”

Hands. Neck. Plus… oh, no.

April’s brain short circuited as she felt a ring of soft leather encircle her throat. Skye had taken advantage of her reverie to lean down and tug something around her neck. Logically, the answer was obvious, but April’s thoughts kept falling apart before she reached the conclusion. Skye’s warmth rested on her fur, hot breath blowing across her hair and ears. She could feel the smile in that breath. As soon Skye tugged the leather nice and snug, hands falling away, April spun around to face her.

“EXCUSE MEEEOW!” she snarled, tripping over her own feet in her rush, all the poise of a cat gone in a moment. She stumbled and plopped her head right into Skye’s lap, who jumped.

“Woah! Hey there~,” she sang, hands immediately wrapping up and around behind April’s head, laced together there, playing with the… the….

“How do you like your new collar, little miss opinions?”

April lost it then and there, sputtering in a mixture of shock and absolute giddiness, human words escaping her tongue. She smushed her face, hot under the fur, into Skye’s belly, hiding. Her whole body shook with the strength of her purr, even as the muffled yowls continued.

“Aw, she loves it! Such a polite sphinx, wearing such a dignified little collar!” Skye bent over and wrapped her arms around April’s middle. She was still sputtering and chattering and whining into Skye’s shirt. All thought slammed to a halt, her entire being focusing on that soft ring around her neck, so… so right.

Skye mumbled into the fur and feathers on her back. “I figured you’d like it. A beautiful sphinx like you deserves proper accessories, after all. Plus, I just couldn’t help it.” She squeezed April tightly. “Now, who’s my good girl?”

“Nyah! E-er, nnnnyot faaaair!” April wailed, finding her words once again.

“Of course it’s fair, sphinxbutt. You’re just simply a good girl, nothing to it!”

“Mrraah!”

“Meow meow meow, says the kittypet!”

April’s speech flew from her once more. She kept meowing, but Skye’s insistent praise flitted in through her sharp ears, settling down in her brain. They stayed like that for a while, comfortably embraced, sphinx and wife, and only one coherent thought managed to breach the surface of April’s wildly roiling mind.

No one would ever convince her to take her new collar off.

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