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#traumarecovery
bianca-alexander88 · 5 months
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shout out to everyone living with a neurodivergent brain, for whom the typical or standard “one size fits all” approach to functioning and perception just doesn’t serve you or speak to your lived experience. 
shout out to everyone for whom self-regulation is a new skill set that you’re teaching yourself through the radical practices of mindfulness, gratitude, and self-compassion.  
shout out to everyone learning how to self-sooth, developing internal validation techniques so you can centre yourself whenever your nervous system becomes dysregulated. 
shout out to everyone who has begun establishing and communicating your boundaries within your relationships; it is not selfish to prioritize yourself, or to fiercely protect your mental health and energy.  
shout out to everyone actively doing the work to overcome traumatic experiences; it is so incredibly brave of you to heal yourself instead of externalize your pain onto others. the potential for post-traumatic growth is real. 
shout out to the Boo Radleys, the misunderstood villains, the anti-heroes, the eccentric outcasts, the magical misfits, and everyone non-normative. you’re my people and i see you. 
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family-trauma · 2 years
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I can certainly attest to doing some of this with people I've met recently or even friends. Most people can't understand the reason why I've gone into detail and tangents to explain a background of something specific. I've had to actively think about such instances to prevent myself from doing this repeatedly. It's still a work in progress and never an overnight change. Trauma is engraved in your senses so overcoming that takes a very long time, I've learnt.
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dpalden · 1 month
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Making more ‘trauma art’.
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fanciedfacts · 8 days
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Why it’s Hard to Forget Bad Memories
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rewritingtrauma · 3 months
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The Oxford Real Farming Conference 2024 (ORFC24)
I have a sort of love-hate relationship with conferences. On the one hand, I always get swept away by the initial rush of excitement: a gathering of people, coming to exchange knowledge around a field we are all passionate about. On the other hand, for someone like me, the reality of conferences tends to be strange, isolating experiences dominated by academic, white, middle-class, cis people who speak a different language, with different values, and operate in a different world to me. Though I enter them full of excitement and curiosity, I usually leave feeling somewhat untethered, overwhelmed by theory and findings but bereft of community and thirsting for actionable, solutions-based approaches. I was delighted, therefore, when ORFC24 opened with a plenary of 10 speakers, all of them landworkers, from around the world, all of whom were extolling - in their own words and ways - action; solidarity; active hope; and calls for food, land, and sea sovereignty. It was clear from the outset this wasn’t going to be the ‘usual’ kind of conference (an abstract exploration of ideas and record of projects past) but a gathering of an international, multilingual, grassroots movement, rooted in an ethics of care and equality; working directly with the land on fairer systems of food and farming. 
During the opening Plenary, Charlotte Dufour from Conscious Food Systems Alliance (CoFSA) invited us all - speakers, volunteers, and delegates, in Oxford and online - to take a moment to connect with the land, with one another, and to set an intention for the conference mindfully. In a busy programme of 45 sessions, featuring over 150 speakers and a busy stream of projects, opportunities, and conversations inundating social media, this invitation felt like a precious opportunity to gather focus, mitigate overwhelm, and ground ourselves. Sat at my kitchen table, some 330 miles away from Oxford, I set my intention: to seek out and learn from those at the frontlines of the struggle for Land, Food, and Environmental Justice. It didn’t take long for my intentions to be realised… 
In the Thursday lunchtime session Colonised and Coloniser Transforming Relationships through Food and Land Stories Loa Niumeitolu, a displaced Indigenous Tongan, now living and working on Lisjan Ohlone Territory, California and Jessica Milgroom, a descendant of settler families, who grew up on Ojibwe reservation land in Northern Minnesota, held a conversation that aimed to “...break down hierarchies…to ask how we relate… how can we walk forwards together healing the wound of colonisation through food...” (JM). The conversation was one of honouring, compassion and bearing witness. As a white person living in the UK, for me it was also one of humility and unlearning: of coming to understand how our Western food systems are designed, founded and run on the violent displacement of indigenous people; the erasure of indigenous food systems; the severing of indigenous identity and everybody’s connections to the land. In some of her closing remarks Loa Niumeitolu invited the attendees to think differently about our identities and interconnectedness: “The sacred site IS the land… the land is an extension of our bodies… and we are all from indigenous people… we all have great great great grandparents who cared for, and stewarded, and loved the lands that we’re on…”. The session left me thinking about how it is people like myself can find our way back to our indigenous selves, to our ecological identities, and to the essential interbeing with the lands we live on. This conversation, conducted across the divide of coloniser and colonised, offered hope for how stories, conversations, and gatherings may start to unravel the systems of oppression and exploitation that industrial agriculture (aka the food arm of imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy) extends around the world.  
On the Friday morning session Building a Global Peasants Movement: 10 Years of Land Workers’ Alliance (LWA) and 30 Years of La Via Campesina (LVC) we heard from Jyoti Fernandes, Morgan Ody, Chukki Nanjundaswamy, and Paula Gioia themselves all land workers, farmers, peasants and indigenous peoples from around the world working both at the grassroots and international levels to oppose the neoliberal programme of WTO whilst also building international food sovereignty and land justice movements. It was a moving and eye-opening session led by women who - though it was never named - are all doing the vital repair work of rematriation.
Chukki Nanjundaswamy (Executive Chairperson of the Karnataka State Farmers Movement and co-coordinator of the All India Coordination Committee of Farmers Movements) traced the history of La Via Campesina (aka “Our Way” in Spanish) from its origins to the movement today which branches almost 100 countries and hundreds of local and national organizations “...fighting all kinds of imperialist and capitalist forces… for the right to food sovereignty”. She described how LVC is organised from the bottom up, constantly learning and evolving from the experiences of its members and other allies including the decision to ensure men and women were represented equally and at all levels of the movement. “LVC is not just about denouncing what we don’t want but also about building hope…across all sectors of society”. 
Jyoti Fernandes (Campaigns and Policy Coordinator for the Landworkers’ Alliance) described “the family” of LWA, itself a member of LVC, and her reasons for co-founding LWA in the context of the UK where inequality and access to land have been yolked since the time of the enclosures. She explored the organic origins of the movement from pro-nature, anti-GM protests; to creative expressions of hope, solidarity and resistance; a shared belief in rights for natural home building, self and community sufficiency, and a collective realisation that “...there was this huge network of unorganised people… the neo peasantry returning to the land… and smallholder farmers… all facing evictions … and struggling to survive in the face of the neo-liberal paradigm the UK government was pushing onto farming…”. She described, with infectious joy, how LWA now regularly consult with DEFRA who recognise that LWA’s impetus of “Matching food production with biodiversity and looking after the climate…” is in everybody’s interests. 
Paula Gioia (Facilitator of the Smallholder Farmers Constituency in the Civil Society and Indigenous Peoples Mechanism - CSIPM) talked about the intersectional work members of LVC had to undertake to develop a movement of radical change “… to fight against Capitalism and to fight against Patriarchy…this begins with self-reflection: how we reproduce Patriarchy in our daily lives… and this self-reflection begins with space… ” They described the women’s strike at of 1996 in Tlaxcala, Mexico during the 2nd International Conference of LVC in, which challenged the dominance of men, patriarchal ideas and attitudes in the movement whilst demanding; acknowledgement of the role women play in agriculture, farming, and society; 50 - 50 representation of men and women at all levels of LVC; a campaign highlighting and fighting violence against women and; the creation of spaces - now women’s assemblies - necessary for women’s ideas and voices to be supported by, and come forth through the movement.  
Morgan Ody (General Coordinator of La Via Campesina, member of Confédération Paysanne and of the coordinating committee of ECVC) wearing the Palestinian keffiyeh around her shoulders spoke with clarity and passion about LVC's global accomplishments:  
“… it is still illegal to crop GM crops in Europe, we fought for that… In Columbia, LVC is one of the main guarantors of the Peace Agreement… We have been the first to call for food sovereignty and now everybody is calling for food sovereignty…We have been pioneers of peasant feminism and now peasant feminism is growing everywhere…  We have been able to negotiate the UN Declaration on the Rights of Peasants and other people working in rural areas (UNDROP)...”  But Morgan’s talk didn’t end in the past, she spoke about how, in the face of multiple overlapping global crises, LVC offers alternative ways of being, of hope, of solidarity now and going forward “...Peasants…and all who are taking care of Mother Earth are the future...”. 
She expressed grief and horror at the genocide happening in Palestine and the complicity of governments: “This is not acceptable and as La Via Campesina, we stand against this barbary, we stand for human values, we stand for human dignities, of whoever, of women, of non-binary people, of people whatever their religion or the colour of their skin. We are equal and we are equal in dignity...” This was a powerful reminder that land and environmental justice are inextricably intertwined with social justice and that we are all responsible for decolonising ourselves, for calling out and resisting imperial violence and oppression, wherever it happens in the world. But this session also spoke to how we are all responsible, not just for fighting the old, but also for cultivating the new: through solidarity, active hope, compassion, and creativity. As Morgan said in her closing comments “We are all responsible...for building a culture based on human rights and equality, intentionality, solidarity, and cooperation.”  
The session was bookended with calls of “Viva La Via Campesina! Viva!” 
In reflecting on these sessions of ORFC24, I started to think that healing is not the same as forgetting, but equally, it is not about flagellating ourselves or one another with past and current traumas - healing comes when we slow down, take time to sit with the pain and discomfort, to listen, learn,  notice, and accept. This applies to ourselves, to those we have harmed, and to everyone (humans, land and more than humans alike).  What both these sessions taught me is that when we share space and stories, when we listen deeply to one another and bear witness with compassion and empathy, we slowly start to arrive at a new understanding and to do the slow, gentle work of cultivating regenerative cultures based on reciprocity, healing and solidarity. 
What I didn’t expect to happen as a consequence of volunteering at ORFC24 was that I would go away from the conference knowing more about myself…As someone who grew up in the English countryside but with no rights to access (we were a poor/working-class family living on a former miner’s terrace, surrounded by Grouse Moors and a large, tenanted estate) my relationship with the land was schismatic: though I felt a deep connection with the fells, moors, and rivers, I was also - according to the farmers, landowners and agents - an outsider. Worse, I was an illegal trespasser. I was surrounded by land which felt like home, like an extension of myself, only greater, deeper, older, more complex, more loving than I could comprehend. And yet, if caught swimming in the tarn, making dens on the fells, walking on the moors, or trudging through the heather, I would - at the very least - be shouted at and oftentimes, be warned away by the crack of shotgun fire. What ORFC24 and the incredible speakers made me realise is something that has taken me 30 years of unlearning to only start to understand: the necessary return to the land, the rediscovery of land-based life, something that I always yearned for but could never allow myself to imagine is not just a fantasy, it is a right. Listening to speakers on colonized lands, to those displaced by colonization and capitalism, to the LWA and LVC, I started to understand the violent inequality at the heart of our UK land and food systems. These speakers helped me see that I have the right to be on and with the land. Because there is no separation between us. I have always known, since I was a child, that myself and the land are one and the same, it was just educated out of me by our systems of inequality, land ownership and education. What the speakers at ORFC have helped me see is that my healing, and the healing of the land, are not separate but wholly, inextricably intertwined.  
So now, to begin again, with gratitude and humility… The work of reconnecting and healing all our wounds… 
Viva La Via Campesina! 
Viva!
Iris Aspinall Priest, Tyne Valley
10.01.23
Word Count: 1985
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ex-cogtfi · 3 months
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To close 2023, we're sharing this heartfelt poem by COG-TFI survivor E.S. @poetry_catharsis that traces the impact of psychological and emotional abuse inflicted upon children, the devastating repercussions, and the reclaiming and unlearning we choose as survivors. The choices we make each day to choose self love and freedom, to rewrite the messages ingrained in us. To take back what was stolen from us before we were born.
May 2024 be a year of continued healing and awareness, as we support survivors in telling their stories and healing, and shine a light on cults and cultic abuse.
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little-rock-wellness · 4 months
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Caring for Those Who Have Experienced Trauma: Tips for Family and Friends
Understanding Trauma: What It Is and How It Affects People
Trauma happens when something bad happens and it's too much for someone to handle. It can have a profound impact on a person's thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Trauma comes in different types, like acute trauma from one event, or complex trauma from repeated exposure. People who have experienced trauma often have intrusive thoughts, nightmares, and difficulty concentrating. They may also avoid reminders of the trauma and become hypervigilant. Additionally, their mood and behaviour can change, and they may feel irritable. These symptoms can significantly affect a person's daily functioning and quality of life.
The Importance of Listening: How to Be a Supportive Listener for Trauma Survivors
One of the most important ways to support trauma survivors is by being a good listener. Active listening techniques can help create a safe and supportive environment for survivors to share their experiences. This includes giving your full attention, maintaining eye contact, nodding or using other non-verbal cues to show understanding, and asking open-ended questions to encourage further discussion. It is crucial to avoid judgment and criticism when listening to trauma survivors. They may have experienced events that are difficult for others to understand or relate to. Instead of offering advice or opinions, it is important to provide validation and empathy. Letting survivors know that their feelings and experiences are valid can help them feel heard and understood.
Creating a Safe Space: Tips for Making Trauma Survivors Feel Comfortable and Secure
Creating a safe space is essential when supporting trauma survivors. This includes both physical and emotional safety. Physically, it is important to ensure that the environment is free from potential triggers or reminders of the traumatic event. This may involve removing certain objects or adjusting the lighting and temperature to create a calming atmosphere. Emotionally, it is crucial to create a non-judgmental environment where survivors feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings. Respecting boundaries and privacy is also important in creating a safe space. People who have experienced trauma may have their own preferences for personal space and privacy. It is crucial to honour these boundaries.
Dealing with Triggers: How to Help Trauma Survivors Manage Their Triggers
Triggers are stimuli that remind trauma survivors of their traumatic experiences and can elicit intense emotional or physical reactions. Common triggers include certain sounds, smells, sights, or situations that are reminiscent of the traumatic event. It is important to help trauma survivors identify their triggers and develop coping strategies to manage them. Coping strategies for managing triggers can include deep breathing exercises, grounding techniques, engaging in activities that promote relaxation or distraction, and seeking support from trusted individuals. It is important to encourage survivors to communicate their triggers and needs so that appropriate measures can be taken to help them feel safe and supported.
Coping Strategies: Techniques for Helping Trauma Survivors Cope with Their Emotions
Coping strategies are essential for trauma survivors to manage their emotions and navigate the healing process. Self-care techniques, such as engaging in activities that promote relaxation, practising mindfulness or meditation, getting regular exercise, and maintaining a healthy diet can help survivors regulate their emotions and reduce stress. Mindfulness and relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, or guided imagery, can help trauma survivors calm their minds and bodies during times of distress. Seeking professional help, such as therapy or counselling, can also be beneficial in providing trauma survivors with the necessary tools and support to cope with their emotions.
The Power of Validation: Why It's Important to Validate Trauma Survivors' Experiences
Validation is the act of acknowledging and accepting someone's thoughts, feelings, and experiences as valid and real. It is a powerful tool in supporting trauma survivors as it helps them feel heard, understood, and validated. Validating trauma survivors' experiences can help them regain a sense of self-worth and reduce feelings of shame or self-blame. Providing validation involves actively listening to survivors' stories without judgement or criticism. It involves acknowledging their pain and suffering and expressing empathy and understanding. Validating trauma survivors' experiences can help them feel less alone and more supported in their healing journey.
Helping Trauma Survivors Seek Professional Help: How to Encourage Them to Get the Support They Need
Professional help is often necessary for trauma survivors to fully heal and recover from their traumatic experiences. However, many survivors may face barriers to seeking help, such as stigma, fear, or lack of access to resources. It is important to encourage and support trauma survivors in seeking professional help. Emphasising the importance of professional help and providing information about available resources can help survivors understand that seeking help is a sign of strength rather than weakness. Offering to accompany them to appointments or helping them research therapists or support groups can also provide practical support in accessing professional help.
Self-Care for Caregivers: Why It's Important to Take Care of Yourself When Supporting Trauma Survivors
Supporting trauma survivors can be emotionally demanding and challenging. Caregivers may experience secondary trauma or compassion fatigue as a result of their work. Caregivers must prioritise self-care to maintain their well-being and continue providing effective support to trauma survivors. Common challenges for caregivers include feeling overwhelmed, experiencing burnout, and neglecting their own needs. Self-care strategies for caregivers can include setting boundaries, practising self-compassion, seeking support from others, engaging in activities that bring joy or relaxation, and taking regular breaks to rest and recharge.
Understanding Boundaries: How to Respect Trauma Survivors' Boundaries and Needs
Boundaries are essential in supporting trauma survivors as they help create a sense of safety and control. Respecting trauma survivors' boundaries involves understanding and acknowledging their needs and preferences regarding personal space, privacy, and emotional intimacy. Establishing and respecting boundaries can be achieved through open communication and active listening. It is important to ask survivors about their boundaries and preferences and to honour their requests. Respecting boundaries can help trauma survivors feel safe and supported in their healing journey.
Celebrating Progress: Why It's Important to Acknowledge and Celebrate Trauma Survivors' Progress and Achievements
Acknowledging and celebrating the progress and achievements of trauma survivors is an important part of the healing process. It helps survivors recognise their strength, resilience, and growth and reinforces positive changes in their lives. Celebrating progress can involve acknowledging small victories, such as completing a therapy session or trying a new coping strategy. It can also involve recognizing larger milestones, such as reaching a specific goal or overcoming a significant challenge. Celebrating progress can help trauma survivors feel proud of their accomplishments and motivated to continue their healing journey.
Conclusion
Supporting trauma survivors is crucial in helping them heal from their traumatic experiences. To support trauma survivors, we need to listen to them, understand their experiences, and create a safe space. We can also assist them in managing triggers, teaching coping skills, and validating their feelings. Encouraging them to seek professional help and practising self-care as caregivers is important, too. Respecting their boundaries and celebrating their progress can make a positive impact on their lives. Supporting trauma survivors is an ongoing process. Each person's healing journey is unique and important. You can find therapy, support groups, and helplines to get more support and information.
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wisterianwoman · 6 months
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Our past happened, and there's no going back, but it doesn't have to define us. We can reclaim our story, our passions, and our lives from what we've endured.
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littlemoonwellness · 1 year
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*Disclaimer* This does not imply that someone who has abused you did not love you. It only means that the act of abuse is not love even though it may have been labeled as such. “I am doing this because I love you.” “I love you, but” There should not be a “but” after “I love you,” as it implies that love is conditional.    I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this passage from “All About Love.”    It isn’t our faults, really. We are shown how to love by our caretakers and them by theirs.    We live in a culture that shames love. That considers it weak. We also live in a culture that doesn’t fully understand what love even is.    You see the utter avoidance in modern day dating culture with “catching feelings” being a death sentence.   Cheating runs rampant and always seems to be justified in some way.. since the remorse and guilt is even harder to face.    People list off all the things they hate about their partner or their best friend and then label it as love.    It’s not love.    And it breaks my heart at how many of us believe it is.    Love is “the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.”    “The experience of genuine love - a combination of care, commitment, trust, knowledge, responsibility and respect.”   I don’t know how to love, truly. I still love with expectation. Which forms into bitterness and resentment when it’s not met. I’m aware of it and working to improve it. But through that I’m wanting to bring more awareness to love and loving, to talk about it more so it’s not so taboo.    We’re so scared to love because we believe that love hurts. It’s the abuse that we’ve been taught that coexists with love that hurts.    True love, the opposite of fear, will in fact set us free.
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thelifeoflorna · 1 year
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~4/12/2022~ Photos from a jaunt to Horsham ^^ Once again was in need of a slow start - tried not to put too much pressure on myself to get things done. It was super cold even by my standards - ended up getting back into bed and pulling Miss Bella back onto my lap to warm me 🐈‍⬛💜❄️ Once I headed out for the day put on my thermal leggings for the first time this year :o Went on the bus to East Grinstead for a wander. Brought my kindle with me and actually managed to start and finish a whole book! - Michael Rosen’s ‘Many Different Kinds of Love’ - about the poet’s experience of being treated on the ICU for covid at the beginning of the pandemic - my autistic brain doesn’t usually get on very well with poetry, but would really recommend this book - I think it will be a key piece of literature in history one day! Once I got to EG walked to McDs to get some lunch as Greggs was closed (noticed quite a few Greggs are closed on a Sunday - definitely don’t approve). After having something to eat, continued my walk, then sat in Caffè Nero to continue with compiling my uni timeline as had brought my laptop with me - every bit I add to it just seems to take longer and longer :/ Got the bus home, then spent the entire evening bleaching my roots and toning my hair - had L to help me with some it - it’s always such a process - definitely going to leave it 3 months again from now on - my hair growth def isn’t what it was since having covid… 🦄 #instadaily #instablog #update #mentalhealth #dissociativeidentitydisorder #cptsd #autism #traumarecovery #edrecovery #anxiety #chronicillness #disability #pots #potsie #dysautonomia #positivevibes #recovery #collage #horsham #prettythings #autumnal #autumnwinter #dreamhome #cottagecore #pumpkinspiceseason #cottagecoreaesthetic #winterwalks #cosyvibes (at Horsham) https://www.instagram.com/p/ClydkkIKdsabOcDBGtJKQZ6_vujHv7pQGms-UQ0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
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magikalmads · 1 year
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Authentic Somatic Expression IS True Freedom — Learning to stand in your truest expression is the most liberating path for your highest calling 🕊️ Discover the power of aligning + re-aligning your energy signature through BIG shifts so you can maximize your potential for growth, while also prioritizing your pleasures + feeling good in your body 💃🏼⚡️ Whether it’s business or life — you deserve to proceed in PLEASURE🌸 Let’s discover yours + root it into this reality for instant access to those long-awaited desires ♾️🌈 this is all possible for you, based on my UNIQUE life experience proven methods & structures which im sharing inside our evolving awake 1:1 containers! 🧬💭 tap in for 1:1 options 👏🏼 or visit our to infinity + beyond higher ed portal — where I’m sharing a VAULT full of content + client resources helping you to up level in all aspects of your life for a monthly/yearly subscription BECAUSE YOU DESERVE TO ENJOY YOUR RIDE on the wheel of fortune that is this life 🦋 sneak around on the website to browse current offers or tap in with me for questions for guidance in discerning which offer is the best fit for you! 🪄 i'm now offering my courses ala carte -- which is a great option for those who want to focus on one topic at a time + aren't so interested in the recurring membership :) #somaticprocessing #somaticunderstanding #thebodykeepsscore #tappingintoyourenergybody #neurologicalrewiring #NLPpractices #NLPcoaching #somatictechniques #somaticteachings #understandingkarma #clearingpastkarma #clearingkarmicenergycycles #magnetizingyourdreamlife #healingmentalillness #traumarecovery #traumacoaching #releasingoldtraumas #holistichealing #quantumshifting #alternativeheath #germanichealingknowledge #theancientmystic https://www.instagram.com/p/CoOSVLrN2PC/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
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bianca-alexander88 · 5 months
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Yeah, I’ve got a bunch of aces up my sleeve, if by “ACEs” you mean Adverse Childhood Experiences. 
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drdeeknight · 1 year
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Some problems come for your flesh and find nothing but bones. Hard season after hard, the best of you has long been buried in trauma and pain. But if you can find a way, keep breathing. Just keep making it one more day, bones, buried, and all. You’ll breathe again. I’ve been there. I am here. We’ll breathe again. ✨ [first image is White writing on black with ocean background that says: Yesterday was better. Maybe tomorrow will be, too. 😩 followed by: Glad I made it to today. It was better. ☺️ 2nd image is the ocean at sunset. End image descriptions.] ✨ #hope #courage #breathe #keepbreathing #dontgiveup #youwillmakeit #youwillsurvive #healing #selfcompassion #traumarecovery #traumahealing #youdeservehealing #youareworthy #youareworthit #youdeserve #youareenough #wholeness #youarewhole #iamhealing #iamwhole #youreenough #selflovejourney #selfcompassionjourney #selfcarejourney #youdeserveit #gentleness #selfcare #selfkindness #healingandwhole #selflove https://www.instagram.com/p/Cnn2GwrLtLY/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
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dpalden · 2 months
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‘The Widow’s Hump’
Trauma work made with inks and oil pastels, A3.
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Abandoned unfinished
A3 drawing inks
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rewritingtrauma · 6 months
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Toxic Shame
***Trigger Warnings***
It's like a gross, oily monster who lives in and on you - translating every word and interaction into something darker, more sinister, undermining of your self hood. At night, as you drift off to sleep, the monster drops filthy, oozing piles of the stuff from the ceiling - spattering your pillow with unpleasant moments from your past, words spoken or written, now embalmed in the suffocating slime of it. It ties you up in oily knots, prevents you from leaving the house. It turns small things into world-ending events, it sucks you in to the bog of eternal stench, it haunts your dreams, nightmares, waking world. It tells you it knows you, it sees right inside you: it knows that you aren't good enough, that you don't deserve anything, that you will never amount to anything. It is quick to tell you how you don't measure up to your peers, to expectations, to standard. Sometimes, it wells up and bursts forth like a geyser: You may be doing something banal and everyday like taking a shower or putting away the laundry when suddenly it's choking you, bursting out of your mouth, filling your vision with oily darkness. My partner has learnt to identify those moments when shame spontaneously explodes "out of nowhere you squeak or make little animal sounds" he tells me. It's the sounds of a small person, a child or an animal, drowning in it.
Toxic shame is a consequence of the damage done to our perception by early trauma, often and specifically, by shame itself: either direct, indirect (shame by proxy), or through neglect. Toxic shame colors everything - it effects how we see and understand ourselves, other people, the world, reality. It is a big factor in what leads many survivors of childhood trauma to substance abuse, OCD, eating disorders, poverty, self harm, and suicide. For me, shame has been the biggest factor in all of this, and so much more.
The Clinical Social Worker and Childhood Trauma specialist Patrick Teahan describes shame as existing on a spectrum, where healthy shame exists in the middle; a useful, natural, and reasonable response to our making mistakes; while too much (toxic) shame hovers at one end of the spectrum; and too little (or no) shame at the opposite end. Often people who experience toxic shame had a parent(s), or caregiver(s) who had unhealthy relationships with shame themselves - expressing/experiencing too much, too little, or oscillating between extremes. Unfortunately, apart from in the very rare instance where those parent(s) or caregiver(s) were willing and able to undertake extensive therapy (or family therapy), this unhealthy manifestation of, and reactions to, shame remain unaddressed and pass on to their children, effecting not only the child's development but usually continuing in to their adult lives. In learning how to rewrite my own trauma, and to heal not only the mental, emotional, and social wounds but also the physical/nervous system damage I am experiencing through Chronic Health conditions, I have come to realize that I have some big and extensive work to do with the shame monster...
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What follows here is my "Homework" which Patrick Teahan sets in part two of this video series: he basically invites you to give examples of where the three types of shame (direct, indirect and by neglect) manifested in your childhood, then to write about how one of these would have been different with a healthy parent, and lastly, to write about how this type of shame effects your beliefs and reactions now. I don't expect you to keep reading, in fact this in itself is a big shame trigger but a part of me senses it is important, too, as this is the work of rewriting trauma, of rewriting shame not as us, as reality but as a consequence of harms done to us. Hopefully, in doing this work (and by "this work" I don't just mean this piece of homework, but all of it) we can take ownership of our healing and rewriting our futures. If any of this resonates, I invite you to watch the videos and consider trying your own homework, too.
Here if you want to talk.
With love and solidarity,
Iris x
Patrick Teahan's Shame Homework - 09.10.23
Direct Shame
Write in detail (3 to 4 examples) where you were directly shamed and/or blamed by your parents unfairly (remember that kids need guidance from birth to age 20/21 to establish healthy experiences of shame).
Most days from around the age of 9 or 10 and every day from the age of 16 my dad used to tell me that I was "fat", "stupid", "a waste of space", and/or "deserved to die". He would always do this when we were alone - either when I had just got back from school or, from age 16, when I was in the car with him as he picked me up from college. It was often accompanied by him shouting/screaming, drinking and smoking weed, often terrifying/terrorising me with the threat of death (to the point that I started to wish for it/will it to happen to end the suffering and protect my mum and sister from him). On one particular instance, I think I was 17 but maybe 16, he drove us a long way off the route home - 10's of miles out of Cumbria and into the Scottish Borders - to an unfamiliar pine forest. He started driving very slowly then, scanning the forest. He didn't say anything but I knew what he meant and believed he was planning on killing me and finding a spot to dispose of my body. Something similar happened to me a couple of years later when I was living in Derry (aged 19) and a taxi driver who had picked me up from my job at Altnagelvin Hospital drove me right out into the countryside beyond Derry (miles and miles out of the way). The driver didn't say anything, but his message was the same - as an English person in Derry, I deserved to die.
After our dad left, and while I was briefly living back at the house we grew up in with my mum, she used to work herself up into a furore every morning before she drove us to work and college: she wouldn't be able to find her keys or glasses and would blame me, every time. It became like a horrible ritual. She would never apologise after finding her belongings and the implication was always the same - it was my fault.
Whilst this became a joke between my sister and me as young adults, it was really painful as a child because I was the scape goat for almost everything that went awry or went missing in our house. One specific time which stands out to me is when I was about 15 my mum had made some sloe gin and it all got drunk. She immediately blamed me and so did my dad, metering out the punishment . I swore blind I hadn't taken it but no one believed me and it was brought up, frequently, as a reason to shame me/make me do things - to atone for my guilt in this theft. Years later, someone (an adult neighbour) told my mum that my dad had brought the gin to a party at their house and they had all drunk it. My mum never apologised. My dad (no surprises) never apologised. The neighbour (no surprises) never apologised.
When my sister was 3 and I was 5 our mum fell down the stairs and shattered her leg. We were sent away to our grandparents for a fortnight after. When we came home, we were at home with our mum and expected to do a lot of things around the house. One day, the library van came to the village and our mum asked us to get her "four or five books to read". I don't know what informed our decisions - probably a combination of what the covers looked like and whether we could reach the books on the shelves or not but we proudly came back to her with our selection. When she saw the books she was furious and screamed and shouted at us for being so stupid. We didn't know what we had done wrong but the pain of that still sits like a hot stone on my chest.
When my sister and I were very young (from as early as I can remember until my early teens) our family was incredibly poor and always struggling with money. It meant there was a real emphasis on the value of the things that we did have or were given. One Christmas, aged either 7 or 8, I was given an automatic camera. It was a joint gift from my grandparents and parents. I was so pleased and I loved the camera but I was constantly being told off for the pictures I took (mainly of toys, animals, nature) and what a waste of money it was. Once, when we were on holiday, I accidentally left the camera in a public toilet and my dad went ballistic at me in public. Thankfully, we were surrounded by lovely strangers who helped me get back to the toilets and retrieve my camera.
Write out how one of these situations would have gone down differently with a healthy parent
With a healthy parent, they would have picked me up from college, asked me how my day was, shown some curiosity about what I had done or learned, maybe even asked to see/read what I was working on. They may have had gentle affirmations to make for the things I was learning, the books I was reading, how hard I was working. They might have told me about their days, or made plans for the weekend. With a healthy parent, those car journeys could have been a positive ritual, an affirming time, a time of building relationships and getting to know one another. It might have been a chance to share dreams/hopes/thoughts or even just silence. Perhaps they could have even been an opportunity to offer support and advice with the tricky stuff of teenage relationships and figuring out who you are in the world/what you want to do with your life.
How does being directly shamed and blamed in childhood effect you shame beliefs and reactions now?
I always feel I am wrong, that I am a failure, that I cannot amount to anything. I feel like the whole world looks at me and judges me critically. I feel like I don't know who I am - that the thin sense of myself and the evidence contradict one another: people (not just my parents) so often tell me (according to my shame) that I am worthless, stupid, unworthy of love, opportunities, attention. I find it hard to do anything because I start out on a project and see the errors, the faults, don't believe I can finish/do it, and so I don't. It was stupid to imagine I ever could. I am stuck in a perpetual freeze. When I hear criticism, it feels like the world is ending. When a partner or friend pulls away, goes cold or silent, I feel like I am the most abhorant thing in the world. My shame is out of control. Often, especially at times when I am physically incapacitated, it runs the show. I have often had a tendency to burn bridges because red flags are not merely signs of danger they are danger - because of the cascade of shame which is to follow. I feel ugly to the point of wanting to cover myself up entirely. I feel guilty to the extent that I would sometimes rather die than live - because it makes no sense for someone as pointless as me to exist in the world, using resources that would be better left. I have gone through a long list of jobs and quit almost all of them because either I feel like I can't do them well or because the people in charge have some sinister motivations to their behaviour. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. Almost as soon as I meet a new 'crew' I drop out of it (usually slamming the door behind me) because I come into conflict with their opinions of me (or their perceived opinions of me). I can't bear to be in the same room as a lot of middle class people (and most artists are middle class) because of the echoes of shame I feel about being poor, poorly turned out, because I don't speak their language, because I can't afford new clothes, new shoes, or a haircut. I don't go to events, or accept opportunities because I am ashamed of all of this and more.
Indirect Shame
Write in detail (3 to 4 examples) when indirect shame (shame by proxy) came up for you
Our dad's unpredictable behaviour, rages and drinking/smoking meant that our house was not a place we could invite friends to. I felt a lot of shame on the occasions when friends did come: two times in particular stand out: once at my sisters birthday party (I think it was maybe her 5th birthday?) when our dad appeared in a gorilla suit and scared all the children to tears, another time, when in front of my friend Rose-Ellen he dragged me through the house by my hair. Basically, by age 12, I couldn't invite friends to our house at all. When my sister invited her friends over I always felt incredibly embarrassed.
In contrast, it was always a massive source of shame when I (on the very rare occasion) went to other kids' houses and they were really nice, well fed, and looked after by their parents. The shame in not having money, food, nice things, safety, live, and stability.
Our mum used to make a lot of comparative assesments between my sister and me - kind of creating identities for us according to what we "could" and "could not" do, by what we were "good" at and "not good" at. For instance, growing up my sister was the one who was "good" at dance, performance, and socializing (which I wasn't) while I was "good" at school and drawing. It wasn't until my mid twenties that I ever danced and it wasn't until her mid twenties that my sister really understood her talents in academia and creativity.
Our dad was a drug dealer and often dealt to kids our age at school. There was a lot of shame in being tied up with this element of chaos but also the way our dad was (directly and indirectly) interfering with our lives and social landscapes. So many of our relationships with our peers were not our own - they were colored, conditioned, or influenced by our dad.
Rewrite the biggest of the shame by proxy instances as it would have been like with a healthy parent
With healthy parents, our home would have been a place we could have invited friends to visit and stay. Even if we were poor, it still could have been a place where we could be ourselves and let friends get to know us a little. My sister and I would have had a better relationship because we were not living under such tyranny and shame. Home would have been a place of safety, growth, play, and connection. With healthy parents, I may not have been so isolated - I may have made some lasting friendships, or have learned the healthy ebb and flow of relationships. With healthy parents I would not have lived with dread every day, sleeplessness many nights, and anxiety the rest of the time. If our home had been a stable place I would not have acted out in many of the ways I did: I would not have been so inclined to drink and take drugs to intoxication at an early age, I would have been less likely to engage in behaviours like self harm; I may have been more trusting of people and able to form positive, open relationships. I may have looked forward to going home, rather than dreaded it. With healthy parents, I would have made better decisions about my future living situations and the people I share my space with.
How does shame by proxy still effect your beliefs or shame responses now?
I am incredibly ashamed of my own home: when I am well, I cannot have people stay unless it is tidied and cleaned to the nth degree (which it rarely is) and at the moment, because I cannot do this work, I simply don't have people come and visit. I feel gross and ashamed of the damp, the bad carpets, the shit curtains, the peeling wallpaper. I never invite people over for dinner, even though Josh and I are great cooks and always make enough to feed a family, because I feel too ashamed of our mess and clutter and the lack of a dinner service (it's made up of lots of second hand and inherited bits and bobs). I hate it when people turn up unannounced and when delivery people need to put things in the house (rather than leave them outside) - it makes me feel like I'm naked. I feel constantly exhausted and overwhelmed by the house and garden, which further effects my stress and energy levels (which are poor with the Long Covid/CFS).
Shame by Neglect
Examples of shame by neglect might be setting impossible expectations for a child, parents not wanting to be bothered or a substance abusing parent.
Reflect on how shame by neglect came up for you, give 3 or 4 specific examples. What was the truth about those situations? Were you terrible at X, Y, Z, or did you have no healthy parental guidance to help you though those things?
As a child and young person, sex and sexuality in our family were such a taboo that I experienced a lot of shame and shaming around these things. I started engaging in sexual activities at a really young age (14) because I had literally no guidance or a safe person to tell me about these things. When my mum accidentally found out that I was having sex at 15, she didn't speak to me about it but passed on the information to my dad who then used it as material to bribe/shame/coerce me. At the same time, there were a lot of shady sexual things going on with my dad but I didn't have the tools/insights/understanding/or even a safe person to contrast these behaviours to (let alone speak to).
I used to go out clubbing from age 15 but couldn't afford the taxi fare home so would often walk the 18 miles home at night on my own. It was a dangerous thing to do and there were several occassions where I put myself at risk, either by other people, the weather, and/or exposure. On several occassions I slept on benches or in train stations. On one occassion I was kidnapped and sexually assaulted. If my parents had known any of this they would have said it was me "being bad" or "misbehaving".
When I was 16 I left school and went to art college instead. Because of where we lived and the inaccessibility of the only bus, I had to get lifts home with my dad. He would often forget me and leave me stranded in Carlisle with no way to get home. On the times when he would eventually remember and come and get me, he would be furious and blame me. Sometimes I would be able to get a bus home or a friend to stay with but, being early in the mobile phone days, often had to try and remember where people lived and just knock on their doors or set off walking and hope for the best.
When I was doing my G.C.S.E.s my parents decided to convert the old stairs to the attic into a safer, proper set of stairs. This meant cutting my bedroom in half to put in a staircase. I spent my G.C.S.E revision weeks and months in a neighbours house, just going home to eat, make tea, and sleep under dust sheets. My parents even took the money that I had earned and saved in my weekend waitressing job (which I was saving for university) to pay for some of the work. My dad called it pay back for board and food.
Pick one of those examples and rewrite how it would have gone down with a healthy parent
With healthy parents, I would have received guidance on love, sex, and sexuality. I would not have been shamed for my own sexuality and would have had models, means and examples by which to understand what positive, healthy, and safe sex and sexuality can look like. I might have been more in touch with my own sexuality, to be empowered rather than frozen, and been better able to accept the person I was, and am today. With healthy parents offering good guidance, I may have enjoyed life and relationships better. I may have even had safer, more expansive relationships, have experienced less abuse and sexual trauma. When they knew I was engaging in sexual activity at an early age, healthy parents would have stepped in. They would have intervened. Healthy parents would have talked to me about it or, if they felt they could not, they could have found someone else who could talk to me about it (a doctor, therapist, mentor, or psychologist, for example).
How does being neglected in childhood effect your shame beliefs in the present? e.g. self-blame, craving attention but believing you don't deserve it...
I blame myself for literally everything. When meeting her for the first time, my partners' and my couples therapist said "You apologize a lot for your existence, don't you?" which made me cry because she hit the nail on the head.
Being neglected in childhood has meant, even today, I feel a lot of shame around my sexuality, my lack of sexuality, the shape, color and flavor of my sexuality, mostly while I know in an intellectual way what my sexuality is and needs, I feel utterly cut off from it. It's like there's a whole massive piece of me that's attached but dead because it was cut off at the roots. I feel jealous when people express their sexuality and sexual identities with pride, and then I feel guilt and shame for my jealousy.
...There it is. I think I've run out of steam. That was some big homework... Time to get outside and blow away some of the shame feels...
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