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goodluckclove · 2 days

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Various "Failures" From My Google Docs

Good morning! I'm at my usual coffee shop and got inspired by the troubles of a few friends to embarrass myself.

Sit down with me. I'm enjoying my usual blended chai. There's room on the couch if you'd like to join me.

So I've written thirteen novels. I think thirteen, I've actually lost count. Let's say, like, five full-length plays and twelve to fourteen finished novels. Impressive, right? Maybe. I'm realizing that I consider that not much of a brag, if only because I know the amount of trips and stumbles it took to get to one completed project.

I've ditched a lot of ideas. A lot. If I need to I can dig into my old hard drives to find all the doc files from my youth, but I also have the same Google Docs I've had since middle school.

It's mostly plays and ghostwriting assignments, but if you did you'll find some snippets from my constant attempts at growth.

Some stuff like this is okay. The line "hair slicked back/suit black silk" is pretty good, but a little too the writer thinks they're clever for me now. I don't really remember where I planned to go with this. I think the narrator was somehow going to be given the identity of Roy Fontaine. I was really fixated on the surname Fontaine at the time. I don't know why.

But then there's also a lot of stuff like this:

Hey look it's Fontaine again! I guess he's a doctor, too! Also I am astounded by how casually the main character just pulls out the Necronomicon. He pulls it out? From where? His pocket? Is it a zine?

I don't know why, but something about how suddenly this jumps in terms of dropping specifics makes me think that Sonic the Hedgehog is about to show up. I can't explain it.

This is the only thing in a Doc titled "Psychosis". I have zero memory of what I was planning on doing with this. What's kind of crazy though is that I wrote this in 2014, and six years later I'll use essentially this exact bit in a finished novel without even realizing it.

Another bit from 2014. No clue what I planned to do with this. It's hilarious to me that something stopped me from finishing the sentence. What am I, Franz Kafka writing The Tower? I didn't die. I wasn't raptured. I just apparently tried to think of something a large oak door would do and immediately gave up. It was 2014 I had finished, like, four novels. And this idea was fully stalled by what had to be a fucking huge oak door.

My favorite part of this radio play I tried to write is that somehow, believe it or not - when I wrote this I did not fully understand the Quantum Suicide thought experiment. And for along time I still kind of thought that this could be salvaged into a good idea, until last night when I asked my wife to put on a video describing the experiment and I immediately found it so dumb. Just ridiculously stupid. The only good thing about Quantum Mickey is that the title kicks ass and I'm definitely keeping it for something.

I've written a lot. A lot. I've earned the severity of carpal tunnel I currently have. If I had to put it into a statistic, I'd say maybe seventy percent ends up finished. fifty percent ends up polished to be read or published. Thirty percent actually ends up being read or published. I'm okay with this, because I enjoy the work. But for me, part of enjoying the work is not panicking when a project doing work.

If I need to end a project in the middle of a sentence, I do. I've clearly proven that I do. Sometimes I write for thirty pages and lose interest, other times I get a paragraph in and get distracted forever. That's okay.

That's okay. As long as you're doing something.

I could've included segments of Carnation, my first novella that was supposed to be a novel but I never finished it. But I fucking guess that's getting it's own post when I hit 150 followers so I hope you're prepared for what the type of stuff I enjoyed in middle school.

There's an Irish child that speaks exclusively in slang. You aren't ready.

#writeblr #writing community #on writing #writers on tumblr #authors of tumblr #writing #writing advice #writing tips #writing inspo #writing inspiration

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frostedpuffs · 2 months

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trying to create when u are mentally struggling is such a Process. it's like...making things makes me happy. but making things takes so much energy. energy i do not have. but i want to make things! i like making things! Being Creative is my happy time. but can't.

AND THEN WHEN I FINALLY DO MAKE SOMETHING™ I LOOK AT IT LIKE

BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL DID I MAKE. THAT'S NOT COHERENT.

#text post #it's hard to put this shit into words. but if u get it u get it #i dont like to blast my personal life or get too depresso on main because thats embarrassing but ur girl is GOING THROUGH IT!

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hellyeahsickaf · 4 months

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Another link to ME/CFS and fibro I can't stop thinking about is one I heard from my old therapist. I mean it's a link I've seen in just about everyone I've personally met with a dissociative disorder

I don't talk about having DID (I will likely continue not to because I feel cringe when I do) but she treated me along with many other patients with it, and other dissociative disorders.

And one day I'm talking about something related to my disabilities. She goes "I was wondering, yknow I don't know much about CFS or fibro but are they specifically linked to dissociative disorders that you're aware of?" and I mention something about ACEs scores and the link between trauma and chronic illnesses. I ramble, I couldn't tell you what I said lmao

I asked why and she said "well it's just that all of my patients with your disorder have CFS, fibro, or both. Sometimes other things too. But not just some or half of them, all of them. I started wondering what that's about, but I couldn't find any specific study on it or anything"

Like I found it super interesting to hear directly from a therapist that treats it and attests that 100% of the patients she's treated with it had the same disabilities. So I guess I just hope that potential link gets studied more extensively sometime

#chronic pain #chronic illness #disability #fibromyalgia #cfs #chronic fаtiguе ѕуndrоmе #actually disabled #spoonie #me/cfs #cfs/me #but yeah few reasons i don't talk much about having DID. It's embarrassing and vulnerable firstly #lots of info about my disorder you couldnt waterboard out of me lmao #i do mention it a bit on my main but thats also pretty rare. i dont want to be seen differently #if this post disappears it means someone did not like me talking about it. but i didnt put it in the DID tags at least because yeah #i literally tried to make this post several months ago but just couldn't. got too ashamed about being this way.#just that this is on my mind sometimes. the link between these very specific disorders

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fleouriarts · 10 months

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[tucking my hair behind my ear] so theres this youtube comedy duo...

🐉🌺🎨 summer commissions are open! come browse my site if you’re interested!

#hivemind #furry #hivemind tv #hmfcu #hivemindtv #riley savage #graydon weaver #my art #fanart #doodles #2023 #if youve seen that first one before it was on my main blog and i posted it these cus i got embarrassed. now i have no shame #there is likely more to come. but it will be mostly furry art. sorry #tho tbh if you cant handle a little animal guy you are too weak to be on my page #OKAY please enjoy @ the 7 other hivemind fans on here #edit forgot to put the commissions flair on this til just now LOL

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queen-mabs-revenge · 11 months

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always on my marxist bullshit, but the idea that a parent must be solely devoted to their child to the wholesale detriment and complete exhaustion of themselves is exactly why the bourgeois family is an act of universal violence. no one gets the care they need in that situation, and the ruling class continues to profit off of unpaid reproductive labor through the propaganda that parental exhaustion and monomaniacal devotion is pure, noble, and the only way a child can be raised without harm.

blended families, extended families, and other forms of borderless communal childcare have been the norm for the majority of human existence. the bourgeois family is an unnatural, alienating imposition completely geared towards justifying ruling class generational wealth consolidation, and beatifying a system that compensates 0% of the labor it takes to provide care, comfort, safety, hygiene, etc. for the reproduction of both tomorrow's and the next generation's labor.

anyway real facts this is why mainstream storytelling never can hit just right when it tries to tell the stories of parents and children with both being fulfilled and complete human beings. it literally can't propose a resolution to those contradictions unless it wants to start asking a whoooooole lot of other questions about families and social reproduction under capitalism....

#lmao yes this is a fandom post and i'm too embarrassed to put that in the main text #but fr....#my feelings about ted lasso 🤝 my feelings about milah's story in ouat #look we can do a marxism while watching garbage shows we contain multitudes #anyway modern media parrots back all of that capitalist ideology about the family whether consciously or not #the working class child's future labor is property of their future boss - the parent is the uncompensated caretaker of that future labor #plus is having their own labor value extracted as a worker #neither is human in this equation #womp womp

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eye-of-yelough · 5 months

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one thing you gotta know about me is i am not immune to the sitting sideways animation and i just got a CRAZY sense of deja vu have i fucking posted this before or something. what

#anyway. aeryn 🥰#my silly little pyro-madness glass cannon assassin aka most fucked up and useless build of all time #oc aeryn #elden ring #oc posting in the main tag is embarrassing but we’re not gonna get self conscious . no siree. maybe a little bit self conscious #can you tell i love this hairstyle i put it on leo as well lmao. elden ring only has two good hairstyles imo this one and the #ponytail the generic preset guy has. Varre has it too #your daily dose of idiocy #dee plays elden ring

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feltcreature · 8 months

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Would you guys still love me if i posted selfship .

#I LOVE MY WIFE #i am too embarrassed to post this on the main hypmic tags.#my hcs for gen is that he is bi genderfluid and uses she/he/they #i love to imagine all the silly scenarios in my head. makes me really happy #bracelet making date… gen would make the most gorgeous looking one and i would put a funny phrase on mine #MAN #flaps my hands at maximum velocity #📚☀️#self ship art #self ship

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pacificovertures · 2 months

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you see i think im a pretty good writer but never ever post my writing but i think im only a mediocre artist but am much more likely to post something i draw what’s the truth

#well tbh if i write it’s good bc i put personal feelings in there #but then it becomes too embarrassing to post #easy to XD on main instead of idk reveal shit about how i’m doing #but then again i talk about passion (1994) on here all the time so!#pointless rambling

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quarksfwuarks · 2 years

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kinda crazy how they cut straight from quark asking odo if he wants ''companionship'' the first time they meet to dax and sisko saying odo looks like he's just lost his best friend as quark clings to life in a hospital bed years later, I mean!!!!

#Ds9 #quodo #Yes I made a whole blog so I could.make this post cus it was too embarrassing to put on main #star trek

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byanyan · 4 months

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ㅤat this point, they're beyond wasted and vibing out to music that's too loud with several substances on standby for when the buzz starts wearing off. happy new year!!

#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ic status ⋮ fighting a fight i'll win anyway.#excuse to make use of this gif bc it's one of my faves? maybe.#but mostly i don't want to make an ooc post bc i don't much care for new years #THAT SAID....... i do actually have a goal for this year #and that's to finally ACTUALLY take fucking steps toward getting a diagnosis so that i can maybe start to be a functioning human being #for the first time in far far too long #at this point i'm p sure i'm on the autism spectrum and/or adhd and only having treatment for depression & anxiety #and having psychs guess at MAYBE things like bpd are the underlying main issue #then not actually doing anything about it #has royally fucked over my quality of life since middle school (:#i don't like talking much about my life bc it's genuinely so embarrassing #but i figure maybe baring a little of my soul will help encourage me to finally take steps forward.#this is basically my happy place. my retreat. my escape.#and byan has effectively become my comfort character and a bit of an outlet #so while i'm out here crying about shit i just want to say a huge thank you to all of you lovely mutuals who have kept me company #and put up with my sharp and glittery little freak and given me all these amazing relationships for them #i'd be doin a whole lot worse if not for y'all you have no idea #thank you i love you and here's to hoping that 2024 is good and a better mental health year for all of us ♡♡♡#...there's a good chance i'll be embarrassed enough to delete all these tags later tbh #but i'm in basically the last time zone to hit midnight so it's probably late enough that most people won't see it anyway lmao

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st4rstudent · 6 months

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ramble ramble boo boo tomato tomato🍅🍅. but anyways sometimes i think i draw those freaks a little too much but also at the same time i like drawing them . i don't think i have been this motivated to draw for a whiiile (if ever) , its nice. its fun! giant shirt that says "I HEART DRAWING"

#putting the rest in tags #ive only shared... an estimated 58% of what ive drawn of them but the other 42 is stuff im embarrassed about or i think its just too old #ive been drawing that one freak for about 7 months straight so theres some struggles in the beginning but anywyas.#i used to only draw once a month or so. probably not even that so shouout to that rabbit and mouse... and brain if i have to #i also see all the notes/comments people put and i go :-] hehehe #i need to interact with people more. i have a bad habit of just lurking without interacting and idk where that stemmed from #its been like that for a while. for some reason i think if i like someones post theyre going to find me and kill me (not actually. hyperbol #im bad on here with it but at least theres tags i can put stuff in. on twt im terrrible about it. i will have to work on this #anyways sorry this is a post full of nothing. i guess the main thing to take from this is that i do see everything everyone does and i #appreciate it a lot. smile!#i'm glad people can enjoy my sick and twisted mine (3 same characters)

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harajuku-cookie · 6 months

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I have had two thoughts bouncing around in my head for a while involving Gilbert and my IkePri OC, Rosalia:

🔹One sweet of Gil cuddles with Rosalia, involving a tiny spoiler from an event story

🔹One spicy relating to the IkePri act 3/sequel routes, which isn't much of a spoiler, involving a special deal Rosalia makes with Gilbert to allow her to greet their visitors freely

I got encouraged by a server I'm a part of to share them and I noticed that it got way too long to copy and paste with the character limit, so I'm posting it here. Please be kind, I haven't written in a long time so I'm rusty and I'm shy and nervous enough as it is to share this. This is all self-indulgent.

Now onwards with the thoughts! I'm posting it under read more for spoilers and light smut in the second thought.

18+ || Minors do not interact

🔹The sweet thought:

So in one event, Gilbert introduces MC to a group of animals, two dogs named Clara and Adele and a cat named Elise. These essentially become their pets. With my OC, Rosalia in mind, I pictured one day Gilbert returns to his room and finds her napping on a couch, all tuckered out from the day, with the animals surrounding her. The dogs napping beside her on the ground as though protecting her, and the cat by her head. Gilbert does get a little jealous at first, but it is kind of a cute sight and since he sees her lying on her back, he gets a thought. Carefully as to not wake her, he sits beside her sleeping form and lays his upper body on her, legs dangling off the sofa, his head on her chest, listening to her heartbeat. Although she is asleep, her body knows he's there and wraps her arms around him, holding him close, and continues sleeping with a small smile on her face. Gilbert wasn't planning on napping, but now that he was in her grasp, he might as well. They have time and it was comfy, so for now they could forget work and duties and just be beside each other for a little while.

🔹The spicy thought:

Notes:

1. I have zero experience at smut

2. My OC, Rosalia's crest is a cheetah, I'm bringing this up when I use the reference later. She also uses a cane, which I will expand on on her character profile on a later date.

3. I don't know much about IkePri's act 3/the sequels, this set up is based on what I've seen and come across

Anyways:

In act 3/the sequels, the Rhodolitian king (whoever is chosen) and some of the princes go visit Obsidian. So far we've seen Chevalier, Leon, and Yves go and in my particular case, I imagine my OCs, Alina and Zaina also going along with them, half because they're Yves and Chev's respective partners and the other half being that they're Rosalia's adoptive family so they want to see her.

Rosalia of course is excited for their arrival and is borderline bouncing off the walls ready to welcome them and give them all hugs (well for Chev it would be a kind greeting). Gilbert isn't too keen on the idea of that since he doesn't want anyone touching her, but Rosalia comes up with an idea. It's a risque one, but hopefully it will work. She proposed Gilbert a deal: give her free reign to hug her sisters and friends and freely chat with them with no consequences towards them and she'll show him a different side of her in bed that night, one he's been meaning to see.

Rosalia is usually reserved in bed because it's still new territory to her, so she mostly goes with Gilbert's flow, but she's not clueless. She knows a thing or two from stories she's been told by others back in Rhodolite, to her medical research when it comes to anatomy and physiology, to the steamy romance books she's reads. Plus Gilbert has been trying to get her to cut loose and try taking control for once, so why not try it now?

Gilbert can't help but be curious as to what Rosalia will try and she must really want this if she's willing to come out of her comfort zone, so he makes the deal. She gets to greets everyone, give them the longest biggest hugs she's been wanting to give for so long, and catch up on what's happened since they last saw each other. It's a wonderful time and she feels rejuvenated. She hasn't forgotten her deal though. She is a little nervous but at the same time she's excited and now that night is approaching, she goes to her room to gather her things to prepare and heads to Gilbert's.

When Gilbert returns to his room a while later, he finds Rosalia sitting on his bed, hair loose from her usual braid, makeup done, and with a robe covering her. Although she is blushing, she extends a hand towards him, beckoning him closer. Pleased with her promise kept and interested in what she has planned, he approaches her and takes her hand. What he didn't expect was her pulling him hard enough to make him topple onto the bed. Before he could react, which is a first for him, she gets on top and straddles him. She's ready to fulfill her end of the deal, but in order to do that he must let her lead. Tonight she'll be the beast and he'll be her prey.

Gilbert is not used to someone else being in charge of him, but when it comes to Rosalia, the idea is interesting and honestly it wasn't the first time he's had those kind of thoughts pertaining to her. Once he gives her free reign for the night, she's shrugs off the robe to reveal a black lingerie set that he made her a while back, but was too shy to wear at the time. Now she wears it with pride, looking like a cheetah on the hunt for her prey. Pinning his arms to the bed, she begins. From passionate kisses to hard love bites like he leaves on her, Rosalia makes her way down Gilbert's body, removing articles of his clothing along the way.

Once she reaches where he wants her the most, she takes him in her hand and strokes him a bit before taking him in her mouth. His hands instinctively try to move and out his hand on her head, but her hand shoots out to stop him reminding him that she's in charge. She continues on, teasing him and before he can come, she stops and pulls off, but not before giving him a bite in his inner thigh like he's done to her.

Slowly and deliberately, Rosalia removes the lingerie piece by piece until she's bare before him, Gilbert feeling how aroused she when she takes him in her hand and rubbing the tip along her soaked folds for a bit before aligning it with her entrance and sinking down. Taking a moment to adjust, she slowly starts to move, small bounces until she starts picking up the pace and going harder, faster. Gilbert feels that he's getting close and tries to put his hands on her hips to move her like he wants, but she stops him and pins them down to the bed, reminding him that she's in control tonight and she'll decide whether he's allowed to touch her or not. She edges hims bit for that stunt, moving slower just to tease him, but after a while even she can't hold back and returns to her fast and hard pace until she makes them both reach their climax.

While catching his breath, Gilbert thinks this is a one round thing, but once he saw the look in her eyes he knows it's far from over. Rosalia made sure to make good on her end of the deal all night long. The next day, when they both go meet up with the Rhodolitian side, everything seems normal and business goes as planned. However some of them do notice that Rosalia and Gilbert are depending on their respective canes a little more than usual, their walks a little off than usual.

#Pastel writes #Pastel postings #I am not putting this in the main fandom tags I am too shy and embarrassed to do so #I am making up my own tags for this kind of self indulgent thoughts #I only meant for this to be a short thought how did it get out of control?lol #also I wrote this late at night and sleep deprived so if you see any errors that's why #smut

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note-boom · 11 months

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I'm curious, who are your favourite bsd characters ?

Oh, thank you for the ask, Anon! And my fave bsd characters, huh?

Man...I have absolutely no idea because it changes based on my mood and which arc I'm currently screaming my head off over AND what characters suddenly decide to be deeper than they actually are in my head. But to be concise, why don't I just give a run down for favourite character(s) per group? And uh...buckle up cause I'm gonna ramble as I usually do.

Lengthily

ADA - Fukuzawa, Kyouka, Atsushi, Kunikida, Yosano....I'm gonna stop now before I start listing them all.

To be honest, if I had to pick one out of all of them, it would currently be Kyouka. I just....*hugs her tight* I love how her arc is basically like a mini light novel within canon. I love how her arc isn't completed when she joins the light side and manages to pass the entrance exam but when she finds out the truth about her ability and her parents because it's such a GOOD narrative callback to where her story started. You think her story began with the PM and Akutagawa and ended in saving the ADA and Atsushi, right? But no...those were just very important parts of her journey. Her story begun when she lost her parents and became burdened with something out of control that seemed only good to kill...and ended when Kouyou (who had taken her in after that loss) let her go and took steps to reveal that this cursed "only good for killing ability" that Kyouka had was her mother's last expression of love. Kyouka thought her ability killed her parents but instead it was a result of a love for their daughter that didn't die with them and I just go INSANE thinking about the cyclical nature of it all. Blah blah blah tragedies may be repeated but you know what's also repeated and what also lasts? A parent's love for their child.

Probably also why I love Fukuzawa. Something about middle aged characters who find themselves becoming the parent of one child and suddenly finding they can't stop adopting kids.

But lest I get carried away, I'll let the other three speak for themselves

PM - Chuuya, Akutagawa, Gin, Hirotsu, Odasaku...stopping myself again

I actually don't have a current favourite but man, I tell you, Anon. I was hoodwinked and bribed and dragged into loving Chuuya. My reaction from the anime and its adaptation of fifteen was, "oh, cool, that's EPIC....but can we get back to the present?" Then I read a quick summary of his backstory somewhere and just....yeah.

Akutagawa and Gin I just have soft spots for, even though we barely know anything about the latter (part of me believes there HAS to be a light novel about the Black Lizards set somewhere between the beginning of canon and the doa arc because look at how close Tachi and Gin and Hirotsu somehow became??? Like when did that happen???). Also, Akutagawa is my pathetic, sad, feral, unhinged bloodthirsty boy who cares so much but has always been told he doesn't. It's the tragedy that he cares about Gin, that he did care to some degree about Atsushi and Kyouka, but that for some reason...he believes that the only thing he does care about is Dazai's approval (which is more of an obsession), which is EXCELLENT but also heartbreaking

I think Hirotsu's sort of the same with Fukuzawa. Older characters who find they have teenagers under their custody (first, Chuuya and Dazai...now the Black Lizards...the man just does not get a break)

And Oda.....is self explanatory, too. Haunts the narrative, haunts the characters, haunts the plot (you can't tell me the space time sword isn't a little bit of a call back to Flawless), haunts the meta-narrative....and also just was another tragic character that I think Dazai is trying to not make tragedy of, I don't know

Guild - Lucy (beloved, adored, precious), Poe (just as beloved, precious, adored, and raccoon owner), and Lovecraft

Come on you guys...how can I hate Lucy? How can I not love her? She's a narrative parallel or foil (however that's used...or both) to Atsushi but she's had to learn prematurely how to survive and struggle and think for herself and save her own skin. She's got one of the scariest spacial abilities in BSD because it combines both a pocket dimension and her own imagination (and I really want to see her and Akutagawa interact). I love LOVE for her so much that after the whole Guild business, she was just like "screw ability organisations" and went to work for a cafe BUT that she still can converse head on with people like Atsushi, Fukuzawa, Kyouka, and has zero fear of the government. She's Canadian (I think), she's got a cool ability, and I love her somehow simultaneously subtle but pretty obvious importance to the narrative (the queen in the chessboard)

Poe is basically similar. I just love his ability (I would misuse it SO much...that and Louisa's) and I love what a dramatic, violent theatre kid he is and envy his ability to focus on one project until it's completed and then move on like it didn't just consume months (or, in ranpo's case, years) of his time. And again his subtle but pretty obvious significance to the narrative (eyes covered, author in a manga of authors, like Lucy...he can help in all places)! It's kind of interesting to me how a lot of the western authors' abilities are a bit....off when it comes to their names. Poe's combines two of his stories, Lucy's makes her title slightly more dramatic, Fitzgerald just adds his name XDD. But that might be for copyright reasons, I have no idea how significant it could be.

As for Lovecraft? I find him relatable, that's all...all he wants to do is jump into the sea and sleep for a thousand years but accidentally got tied down by capitalism and I can hardcore relate.

Hunting Dogs - I like all of them, and yes even Fukuchi...but favourite is Tachihara no question. Pre-planned defector of the PM and managed to fool everyone more than Ango? I could ramble more about him but this is already getting really long....

DOA - I'll be honest with you guys....I still don't know much about them beyond the anime. But I am absurdly fond of Bram. Immortal vampire lord who also just wants to sleep and maybe listen to good tunes....yeah, mood.

And non-organisation/other characters? Aya, Mushitarou (technically, he was part of the Rats but that's a moot point), and Ango. I won't rant about them but just know they sometimes live rent free in my head...or, more like they cycle around in there like my brain's their vacation home

But I guess, currently, if I HAD to choose my top three out of all of them, it would be Kyouka, Mushitarou, and Poe

Now I'm done...

#sorry for the long answer but i saw an opportunity and took it #once again THANK YOU so much for the ask anon!#im still getting back into being active on tumblr but i think itll probably be chill for a good while #that is unless i get thrown into the lava pit of melting over bsd again through asks or posts i see #now i want to uno reverse and ask you who your faves are but youre anon (and i respect that)#spitting nonsense #i am too embarrassed to put it under the main tags but ill put it under my character ones #bsd kyouka #bsd akutagawa #bsd poe #bsd edgar allan poe #bsd lucy #bsd gin #too lazy to tag all the characters

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stripesysheaven · 1 year

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i think about bunnyboy ben and i start shaking

#i can’t tag his name this is too embarrassing to put in the main ben tag #i will make him into a rabbit stew or whatever #bunnyboy ben #my posts #benposting

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spatio-rift · 2 years

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