#to watch as people bully him into deleting his account
ya know with twitter and facebook talking about possibly letting trump back onto their sites, i’m still kinda sad that trump never made a tumblr
March 12 2021,
Long post, thank you for reading.
1) Divan Green
2) Cynnthia Chitrah
3) Shailaja Ravi
4) Sankari Loganathan
5) Haarisha Kishor
And probably 10-15 unknown people.
It's about time things come to light.. esp thru electromagnetic waves, frequencies & weapons;)
I've been suffering in silence, pushed/pulled/put down a zillion times and coming back stronger each time, getting abused emotionally, physically and mentally…
So, all these radio frequencies next level things.. I found out there are afew involved, called "remote electromagnetic weapons" for Mind control abuse and torture. (I know, This is Singapore, they dint think of that)
High-tech attack which uses EM waves to penetrate the brain in order to ALTER and INFLUENCE a person’s mind, thoughts, emotions, and behaviors... so much more.
Every time I try to seek help from those around me the for the shit I'm being put thru or even open up to someone just a little about what's going on, "somehow" the convo or meet up doesn't happen, (fall out, lose contact, negativity.)
As punishment for seeking help, head throbbing frequency sounds plays continuously causing sharp pain, followed by getting stung (instantly electrocuted) or aching. Together with what seemed like "threat messages" on skin, walls and things. Not just threat messages, some of my notes/creative writings etc just to mock me.
Their arrogance while hiding behind “technology” shadowed their fear of getting caught..
Everyday, I'm constantly being provoked and then "punished" when I retaliate by stating the truth which ends up bruising their ego… body/slut shamed, "whored out" bullied, emotional blackmails blah blah
OK, 2016/09-2018/09 : Divan Green - has a “reputation”
I was in an abusive-manipulative relationship with Divan, 80% of the rs was about him getting caught cheating on me or something to do with Shailaja - RSAF Regular (happy bday btw lol), or random tranny/okcupid/locanto bullshit. & it ends up abusive.
I was doing my Adv. Dip in Criminology then which aided me in spotting his behaviour and lies. His so called bff Cynnthia Chitrah - SGH STAFF NURSE gave me the title "Criminology Student” and sung praises as she knew his tendencies. (remember this point) She hated Shailaja too. (now…?)
He hacked all my accounts, devices, everything.. Degree in cyber forensic or smtg.... set up weird network things, bugged all my thumbdrivea, additional Bluetooth connections etc heck he even "hacked" my mind/brain to the extent he knew where I watched Manmadhan in 2003.. . So, makkals all believing anything and everything can be done.
All these while he's been harassing, disturbing, torturing, threatening and blackmailing me like mad with his +4, +ORGANIZATION whom I suspect they’ve been "manipulating" & "deceiving"…
(not just me actually, many others along the way..)
His plus 4 : (Cynnthia Chitrah, Shailaja Ravi (RSAF Regular), Sankari Loganathan - (Paralegal or smtg @ M Ravi) & Haarisha Kishor) - [In common - Toxic af, jealous over others doing well, "society/social media status conscious”, live for the gram kind & gossip queens, zero guts]
now are they gonna be like " naan aval illai sir." ?
So, everyone around me (My family, SuriyaN, my circle of friends(about 3 of em), Work - RDS, especially Kenny, my mentor) & those around them too.. last June, thru voice alterations, these people were legit framed like mad just for me to lash out, snap at, get questioned by and end up looking delusional with a common intention to make me lose myself and my future because they cant stand seeing the smiles faces or us having peace with our lives, MINDING OUR OWN BUSINESSES & progressing
Divan + the 4 of them and a group of unknown people for 400 over days....
started as a "joke" that has gone way too far..
Yes, cyberbullying and gangstalking.
Lately, the (5 of THEM) have been doing all they can heartlessly, brainlessly, (everything inhumane la) believing it'll push me to kill myself... Why? coz they wanna hide what theyve done and silent the whole thing?? Doesnt work like that, esp when I start realising how much they have been fucking with everyone’s lives for real, not just stating things to mindfuck me.
I have a stand agaisnt suicide and they have a "kill darrshinni sangam” with daily attempts, weekly challenges etc.
When all else fails, paranormal disturbances (black magic?) to freak me out & take my things all.. they're aware that I know nothing about all these.. I end up either freaking pissed off or crying like a lost child.
they've been mindfucking, making me lose my shit me thru this advanced tech and paranormal stuff too.
Over time, everything has fallen apart and most importantly, I lost my fuckin job (envisioned my whole future...) coz of something these people did & a lot of other dots connected.... sadly, they proudly claimed credit a lot of my downfalls while laughing at me as I was left stranded losing everything I was rebuilding for a proper future to be the daughter my parents would be proud of.
From being a clueless shithead running around the area last June trying to find out where the hell were these "sounds and voices" coming from.... sounding like the people I know (my family, friends - they were framed btw)
this drove me to my admission in imh...
I changed everything negative about myself during this period even though I didn't belong there.. I used it to reform and repent, came out like a newborn.
As I knew for a fact it wasnt any mental illness/disorder with facts/evidences gathered which led me to my admission, I thank God that in September, thru research and my textbooks, I managed to get to the root of how this is happening & who are the ones involved.
(even now, they're like lol-ing "your iCloud your iCloud" & they've been constantly deleting and adding items) coz "evidences”.. “Slut” “eee yr leg” many more - loud giggles, noisy af woodlands, fushan)
They've left countless of trails everywhere.. That's how I even started noticing further and they believe my iCloud/drives/disks has all the evidences... (why see it as evidences instead of the way I see it - to help those who were innocently brought into this mess by Jealousy of 5?)
there's more to everything : impersonation of authorities ( eg NEA, HDB, SPF), A LOT of items from my storage going missing but then being discussed in a way I notice/realise things (pri sch report book), unknown speakers in my room (heck my whole house is fucked), receiving sky proposals, family and friends getting framed, shamed (publicly&privately - even in the showers) etc etc... tarnishing my reputation over the years, the self esteem I had built for and from myself - eczema, insecurities, causing me actual psychosis and triggering it for the fun of it, panic attacks, anxiety attacks so much more.. spreading my private moments/photos, sexualizing and sexually harassing me...well.. all the health problems I started facing : speech impairment, visual deficiency, auditory deficiency, dream manipulation, tooth pain so much more la..
I know this is way too much info for anyone to take in.
I've been stuck in this for way too long, against my will... being too nice & always thinking with my heart too much since I changed myself and repented. I've been grateful and geniune to some along the way yet I constantly get ridiculed and laughed at, get played day in day out..
I don't even know how the hell I'm still alive, taking everything 15-20 ppl have done to ruin my life, future, health.. WITHOUT EVEN APPROACHING ME TO CLARIFY ANY OF THE ACCUSATIONS MADE BY 5 PEOPLE or giving me a chance to explain my side. Injustice & Inhumanity at its max.
Check check, much later only the some of them started realising they've been severely manipulated, lied to till date.. However, up till this moment, no one from this “organisation” has directly contacted Me despite my constant attempts to put an end to this smoothly even thru all the madness and forced actions...
imagine 450 days from what I know, almost 24/7...
I haven't gone to the authorities due to their immediate-stop stinging pain inflicting techniques..
I’d like to state that I attempted to have a conversation with both Cynnthia Chitrah and Divan respectively. However, one behaved like a “defensive but I know whats going on” female and the other said “wrong number” 81632402? Lol.
I even texted Sankari Loganathan. No response after seeing the message but spoke about it immediately thru this “shit” while mocking me.
If anyone of em, (Divan, Cynnthia Chitrah, Sankari Loganathan, Haarisha Kishor, Shailaja Ravi) had contacted yall directly or indirectly, or whatsoever before this “spreading juicy news or updates” , “feeding your dreams/influencing your thoughts" then do the math.
happily hiding, stupidly abusing technolgy but wanna show “bravery” “courage” “loud” while running away? Both their "die die must win and cannot lose face" characteristic shines like mad. haha.
They’re still treating this like a game after ruining me and my entire life. Everytime I try to pick myself up and progress, they find a way to screw it up. Constantly laughing at the face that I have no source of income but theyve been making lots of $$ thru whatever they’re getting from my knowledge/ideas and resources Ive been keeping over the years. (be it legal or illegal).
but my life has been on hold and and I’m supposed to be an 'entertainment' and to quote them, “this is your fate” ??? SMLJ
Honestly, im fuckin disgusted to have even known them
My accounts are compromised and theyve used it to communicate with others while posing as me.
I've run out of options and patience.
Helplessly stuck in this mess
don't wanna end up dead or in prison for murder
naan enna avvala periya appatucker ah? I never knew.
Lose the model but win a hero
Hi guys! I hope you all enjoy this update! To be honest i’m not sure when this will be finished because while I do have a few things to write about left... I just want to make sure that everything is take care of!
Chapter 7: Lila’s final act
If someone would have told Lila years ago that going to Paris will be her downfall... She would have laughed at them and walked away with a shrug of her shoulders, she would have thought it was a joke to tell people for fun... But now she was still in shock that Paris ruined her, she still had her phone in hand after making that phone call to take Caline down with her but now she didn’t know what to do in order to save herself.
She had to figure something out and fast! There has got to be some solution in order to save herself from all of this right now right? However she knew her mother would watch her as she spoke to the class about all her lies... And there was no way she could protect herself when she was there now right? So she would need to wait until she wasn’t near her mother to lie her way out of all this to keep up with her tricks, for now though she would make her mother believe she would do as told and admit to her lies... Then when she wasn’t looking she would turn the class back on her side.
It will work... It just has to work.
She then arrived at the park with her mom, the class was already there except from Sabrina, Chloe, Adrien and Marinette but she didn’t care about them... Without them she could turn things back around as soon as she was alone with the class without her mother there to hear her lie to them again, from the way Alya looked at her... She was confused as to why she was back from her trip so soon and began to express her confusion... Which her mother destroyed by revealing that Lila lied to her by saying she was sick.
After that, her mother revealed the call she received from there teacher Caline Bustier about what was happening at school, the bullying towards innocent Marinette, how the class believed her daughter that Marinette was bullying her so they bullied her back, how Lila had the class do things for her and how Lila hasn’t done enough homework to graduate or pass the year... Would either need to work really hard to do everything during the summer to follow her classmates or need to repeat her missing years and join summer school.
The class wasn’t happy about that... Or when Lila revealed all her lies.
They all went crazy at her, talking about all the promises Lila made to them, about all the things they did to sweet and innocent Mari because Lila told them Mari hurt her in some way, how they took care of her when she was in fact healthy, how they bent over backwards for there plans so she could be there for them every time... Without a care in the world about what others might think of there actions, Alya was the worst because she had turned her back towards an innocent victim of bullying who just wanted her friends and classmates to see the truth about Lila and all of her lies.
After that, Lila was forced by her mother to leave the park and head home “I need to make a few calls to have a meeting with your school about what needs to be done about you and your actions... Then when i’m done i’m going to further your punishment” he mother explained making Lila look at her mother in shock as the woman grabbed her phone, tablet and laptop “Wait! No!” she claimed as her mom walked outside with them... Leaving Lila with no ways of contacting her class to lie her way out of revealing to them the truth.
But at least she could try to lie to them in person right?
Over in Metropolis with Marinette...
Crumpled papers littered the floor of Mari’s hotel room as she tried to figure a few designs out for Superman’s new suit... She had to make this right or else Metropolis will laugh at him and destroy her hard work... She really had to work with different colors since what he wore was terrible, clashed too hard so she would focus on either blue or red with gold... But since he wore a blue cape she could try bring some red accents to keep all of the colors right? She just didn’t want the colors to clash all that much.
There was a knock on her door, so with a sigh Mari got up and opened the door to find Jonathan there with food and warm drinks “Thought we could do something here for the day” he explained making her smile at his words as she let him in “Thanks, I actually saw Superman last night and I have to try and finish a few design options for Superboy to look at before he comes to see them” she explained as Jon went over to look at what she done so far... And there was at least one outfit design finished.
“Looks like you’ve got work to do for now... Maybe I can help?” he offered making her smile and nod as she explained a few things she wanted to try and design, Jonathan was very good at giving her pointers on some outfit ideas and about colors making Mari wonder where he had been all her life? Even so, it only took an hour and a half before she had six outfit designs for Superman and Superboy to look over “Thank you so much Jon! Thanks to you I have options for Superboy to look over for himself and his dad!” she said making him blush before looking at her in shock “Wait dad? Is in there father and son?” he asked making her gasp as she covered her mouth.
“I’m so sorry Jon! I wasn’t supposed to say anything! Please don’t tell anyone!” she begged making Jon nod in understanding “The secret is safe with me... I promise Mari” he swore making her slowly relax, they then went outside to get some air and have a little bit of fun before he had to meet up with his friends “That’s fine, I actually would need to call my parents and my friends soon so I could just do it once I head back to the hotel” she explained making him nod in understanding, they walked around and decided to try out a few foods since Mari was new to American foods.
She was happy in the end, she posted pictures of herself with Jon eating things around Metropolis and Mari commenting about it, sometimes the pictures were funny and other times they were cute... But followers were going crazy about them and commented and or liked each post she made in the end, there was a comment here and there from her old friends just asking on where she was and how they needed to talk on her old accounts but then she decided to delete them for good... There was nothing good about keeping past accounts that she was no longer going to post on.
It started to get let when she returned to her room alone, but she put down her things on her bed before taking a nice hot shower and then getting changed while looking over the sketches she would show Superboy for his opinion... She only hoped he liked them or at least a few of them, either way she had her balcony door opened so she could hear him arrive and smiled as he gently landed with Superman not far behind “Welcome back, I hope you like these” she said as Superboy walked over to look at the sketches a bit while passing them over to his dad, Marinette was getting nervous, the thought of her work being hated by Superman and Superboy might just ruin her career on becoming a world renown designer.
But from the smile on Superman’s face... It was obvious she got his approval on some of her designs.
“To be honest, I was a little worried about all of this, but the red highlights in the black and blue suit with my symbol is amazing” he said as Superboy nodded in agreement “I like how the black combat boots you drew up have red laces too” he said making her smile at the praise she was getting, Superman kept the sketch he and his son complimented and said he would get the suits done as soon as possible... But still wanted to pay her when they have them on and then get her approval on the final product since it was her design after all.
She smiled and agreed to the plan as the two then flew away, she began to put her remaining sketches away until she got an idea for a few more seasonal outfits for them to have on depending on the weather they were in... It might be a bit of a stretch but maybe they would come back and take a look at them? It couldn’t hurt to at least try right? So with a smile, she closed her balcony door and then got to work with Tikki floating at her side as she worked, the ladybug kwami smiled at her holder and how happy she was at how well it all went for her with the two superheroes but then quickly flew away to hide from sight.
Since there at her balcony... Was none other then Batman and his crew of Nightwing, Red Hood, Red Robin and the current Robin.
@marianeamine @woe-is-me0 @kanamexzeroyaoifangirl @mochegato @syrencall @sassakitty @fangirlnerd001 @themadamedefarge
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So I got to thinking about something...
What would all the DR characters do with their YouTube channels in a non-despair AU?
So here are my headcanons about the ones from all the games (THH, SDR2, UDG, V3)! (Under the cut so it doesn't take up too much space for folks who don't want to read it)
Some spoilers down there by the way!
Trigger Happy Havoc:
Sayaka posts her music videos and the occasional tour vlog.
Makoto streams, does meme challenge videos, and vlogs. Whatever's trendy, really.
Junko makes purposefully bad hot takes and makeup tutorials. She does get involved in the drama. Too much, actually.
Mukuro doesn't make too much of her own content, but she appears in Junko's stuff a lot.
Toko reviews books. The reviews are usually pretty nasty, especially when it comes to her own work, but she's nice... sometimes? A good review from Toko is practically a miracle.
Leon makes skateboard fails of himself and occasionally posts demos of his own music.
Chihiro does Animal Crossing and Minecraft update showcases, with the occasional set of programming tips.
Hina shows off her training for the Olympics and vlogs a lot with Sakura.
Mondo has two series up. One about tips your brother/father didn't tell you, and another about motorcycle tips. Besides that, he just posts funny moments with his friends (Taka, Chihiro, Leon, Hiro, etc.)
Taka only has two study tips videos and an hour long "classical music to study to" video on his channel.
Kyoko covers obscure true crime cases and does her best to help with the unsolved ones (it usually works).
Hifumi does very very long reviews of anime and manga. Maybe some educational videos about writing tips and the history of fanfiction.
Celeste makes gothic ~aesthetic~ videos and makeup tutorials. She gets involved in drama, but in a far more passive way than Junko.
Hiro makes video documentaries about cryptids, but they’re REALLY bad. He’s filming in a different location every five minutes and, despite buying a really good camera and mic, can’t use either for shit.
Sakura makes very relaxing ASMR videos and meditation. She mostly makes satisfying calligraphy videos, and shows up in a lot of Hina’s vlogs.
Byakuya has a personal YouTube channel where he likes stuff posts outdated memes on Naegi’s request. However, he also a highly political discussion channel with still furry talk sprites. His fursona is a cat, and is definitely NOT Raymond, he swears on his life.
Genocider Syo doesn’t actually make videos, but she does leave thirst comments on Byakuya’s personal channel’s videos.
The Imposter makes sewing tutorials with just their hands. A lot of people say their voice is really relaxing, and it’s a comfort to them. Ibuki keeps bragging about how yeah! She did their nails!
Sonia makes vlogs. That’s all. She sometimes gets Eat The Rich comments and asks why people want to eat her. No one will tell her what it means.
Teruteru has a comedy cooking channel, and while the food looks and is good, and the tutorial is perfectly functional, he’s cancelled on Twitter. He keeps saying disturbingly questionable things and never apologizes, and is one strike away from termination.
Hajime posted a viral video of *cough* one of his classmates *cough* miserably failing at impressing Sonia. Teruteru tried taking it down, but no amount of convincing YouTube can make them deny that yeah, it’s funny to watch him get dunked on.
Mahiru has slideshows of her photos with royalty-free music in the background. Definitely posts on Instagram a lot more.
Chiaki is an incredibly popular Twitch streamer who posts highlights on her YouTube channel. Is definitely in every single gaming YouTuber sphere at once.
Peko makes compilations of animals she thinks are really cute. She uses :3 emoticons in her extremely formally written comments.
Kazuichi makes unnecessarily complicated and hard to follow DIYs that start with a bottle cap and end up with a car at the end. Don’t ask how, I didn’t understand it either. The classic simping comments too, but that’s a given.
Fuyuhiko doesn’t post, but definitely is an avid commenter. Makes very intense threats against commenters, but he doesn’t go through with too many of them... a few directed at Peko made him go apeshit.
Hiyoko makes very intense callout posts using the person’s full name throughout the entire video. She’s done one for every one of her classmates, but went really easy on Mahiru and Ibuki. When confronted about it, she will tell them to shut the fuck up and leave.
Ibuki just makes what she feels like when she feels like on her one channel, and a separate music channel.
Mikan has the comments turned off on all of her videos, and every video is about being a nurse.
Nagito makes vlogs on one channel, typically with Chiaki and Hajime, where he blurs his face, and another channel where he makes cringe compilations of himself.
Akane makes compilations of food as a way to show others how amazing it is. Besides that, she works out with Nekomaru and Hina sometimes.
Gundham makes incredibly detailed PetTube videos that are very helpful, actually. Gonta guest stars in them sometimes. Tanaka unironically calls the pets “your gods”, but everyone thinks he’s joking.
Every video Nekomaru has ever made is exactly like this but with him working out while yelling. Everyone keeps making Shia LaBeouf jokes at him, and he doesn’t understand them at all. Guys, he’s only had the YouTube channel for a week
Izuru hacks into famous YouTube channels just to feel like he’s famous for a few seconds before realizing that it’s boring to him. This causes mass panic in the YouTube sphere, but he literally doesn’t care.
V3 Killing Harmony:
Kaede does piano covers of anything and everything. Her meme covers are fairly popular, but she mostly does covers of cheesy 80s love songs, oddly enough.
Rantaro makes travel vlogs. A lot of advice videos too, and Korekiyo has tried to get him to do ASMR. He's definitely thought about it, before remembering how... strange people are about it.
Tsumugi does NOT make tips on sewing your clothes because she wants you to buy from her. She shows off her cosplays without tutorials and brief anime reviews. She has bad opinions on anime.
Shuichi is too terrified to make any kind of videos public on YouTube. However, he does have some long since privated MCR covers he doesn’t quite have the heart to actually delete.
Kaito makes astronomy facts and motivational stuff.
Kokichi makes EPIC PRANK videos, and they’re... morally questionable most of the time. To say the least, he’s been cancelled on Twitter like six times, but he keeps deleting the videos and making everyone look suspicious in the process.
Maki doesn't use YouTube for basically anything. The only reason she even has a channel is to watch her classmates' stuff. Maybe watches those cute baby videos or something.
Korekiyo makes ASMR videos reading classic literature, and video documentaries about fandom drama that somehow portrays everybody in a positive light. It’s almost a miracle, really.
Ryoma watches cat compilations, and when he finally gets a cat again, he posts so many videos of said cat. He plans to document every day of their lives together. He also watches Gonta and Gundham’s channels, though he thinks Gundham’s are a little bit extra.
Gonta makes... basically documentaries about pet insect care. All of them are incredibly accurate and get him noticed by some of the bigger bug owners.
Kirumi makes a lot of gothic and ~aesthetic~ videos. Also those “satisfying cleaning compilations”. Pretty well known for an incredible amount of TikTok folks reposting her content with every comment being about how pretty she is.
Angie does painting videos and preaches her beliefs in these videos. The paintings are some of the most beautiful things on YouTube, and process is mesmerizing, but a lot of people don’t want to be told about God while they watch a girl paint.
Himiko does magic tricks in an incredibly dramatic setup and manner that she set up over the course of three months. She just predicted your card, didn’t she? Only the talent of a truly powerful mage! And alas, she poofs off for another half a year.
Tenko makes simping comments on so many videos of women it’s kind of insane. She shows off Neo-Aikido techniques on her channel so it doesn’t become a lost martial art form.
Miu is cancelled on Twitter for things she’s posted in the community tab. She usually just posts thirst comments and thirst edits, and links her OnlyFans in the descriptions of every video. Outfit showcase? OnlyFans link. Showing off a revolutionary invention? OnlyFans link. And, to her credit, it is incredibly well made... *cough*
Keebo tries experimenting with lots of kinds content, but eventually settles on video documentary type things and “IRL Vocaloid Covers”.
Ultra Despair Girls
Komaru runs and moderates channels for all the Warriors of Hope, and posts standard vlogging stuff on her own account.
Jataro makes paintings and sometimes even murals with his back turned to the audience. They’re pretty good for the fact they were made by like... a twelve year old.
Masaru does EPIC GAMER MOMENTS and still has that generic blaring uncredited dubstep as the intro. Standard rapidly zooming red intro, barely edited stream highlights. If anyone bullies him, their comments will be deleted and Komaru will fucking lose it.
Kotoko does lil' fashion shows and sewing tutorials!
Monaca makes incredibly existential video essays that do not seem like they are written by a child. She's in favor of robots controlling humanity, but in a weirdly passive way. Komaru doesn't know if she should let her have a channel.
Nagisa posted a compilation of cute cats once and vowed never to post again after deleting it... still shows up on most of Masaru's Minecraft streams.
Hiroko doesn’t make anything herself, but definitely goes through Hiro’s entire catalogue of content and likes everything. She puts his videos on shuffle and listens to the entirety of it... Not even she can handle the camera quality.
Yuta does workout and exercise tips. Sometimes some vlogs with Hina, but those happen like... every year or so.
Taichi makes really nice programming tips. He’s the online beginner programming community’s good dad.
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Hi I just came across ur acc and I watch good girls too I know about manny's transphobia . What other thing he did ?? He bullied a guy? Wow wtf is going on
Okay, I was avoiding posting this because I don’t actually want my inbox to be further filled with Manny Montana drama, but also, I think he publicly posted them on a medium (IG Stories) that disappears and makes it difficult for people to draw their own conclusions about what happened, so I’m posting it once as a reference.
Just as an FYI, while I appreciate the asks that have been sent to me of people sharing their own thoughts (they have certainly shown that there is a trend of people who want to hold him accountable for his actions), I likely won’t be answering more asks about it unless I have something new to say or something new happens.
As for calling Manny out “just because he’s Latino” and that he “was standing up for himself”... I specifically said that I agreed with his original callouts of both the company and the commenter and I only felt like he crossed the line when he blasted the person’s images. I also said he had plenty to criticize about the person’s behavior and ideas rather than using his images as a way to discredit him.
I’m open to being called out for my behavior, reflecting on it, learning and growing. If you can point to specific places where you think that I have behaved in a racist manner towards Manny, I welcome the opportunity to learn from that to do better.
At this point, I believe I have kept my criticisms both fair and focused to his behavior, responding to what he directly has posted in the last few days. I also think it was reasonable to only challenge him to learn and grow from the experience as well.
I’ve never posted anything about Manny being anti-vaccine, so I don’t even know what you’re talking about there. Manny’s identity does not excuse him from being called out for his behavior, which in this case was both homophobic and transphobic, and as @nakedmonkey and many of anons have pointed out—not the first example of him behaving in this way.
On Wednesday, Manny posted a photo of a hot sauce calling out the company for using brown face because the image features a white guy (based off the owner of the company, The Offspring frontman Dexter Holland) styled after Pancho Villa, one of the most famous revolutionaries in the Mexican Revolution.
A white fan commented on the image, pedantically pointing out that it’s cultural appropriation, not brown face. Manny posted a screenshot of this to his Stories, tagging the commenter and pointing out that they were “white-spla[i]ning and excusing” the actual issue at hand (which I didn’t get an individual screenshot of, but which you can see in the second screenshot provided below). Like I said before, I thought Manny’s behavior wasn’t out of line here, and I do think the commenter should have remained a listener in the conversation rather than interjecting as he did.
After that, the person messaged Manny directly, which Manny also screenshot and put on his stories. At this point, he encouraged his fans to go to this person’s page for a “look into how he helps so many people of color.”
Manny himself went to this person’s page and pulled off two photos from his Insta to blast to his 977K followers. He was deliberate in his selection, as these were not the two most recent photos published. You can see this on the person’s feed.
In reposting these photos, Manny captioned them with laughter emojis.
At this current point, this person seems to have deleted their Instagram:
The next day, Manny reposted someone else’s post with transphobic rhetoric:
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February 7, 2021
This is Part two of the introduction of Nijisanji. I have written for an audience who has just gotten to know vtubers through hololive and wants to explore more. This part cover all of Nijisanji members who has debuted in the year 2019.
2019 Part 1 (Jan-Apr)
Warabeda Meiji - Another eleven year old, but likes FF14 and K-On! So frequently described as an 11 year old third season. But she is genuinely cute! And a really good singer, so much so that her K-On cover gets banned for being too close!
Gundou Mirei - Actually a teacher, but definitely a ditzy and lazy one, that is incredibly sexual to an uncomfortable degree, you know, a fan favorite, including of mine. Watch her 3D streams and you will be amazed. Has a ship with Shoichi as mentioned before, even though she’s a self-professed bisexual. It’s odd but, you know, it works!
Yuzuki Roa - Kind of innocent devil like Towa, but more like a kid than an older sister. Really like Belmond. Was friends with Chitose, a retired member, and got a costume based on her a bit, and maybe is retiring herself, considering she hasn't uploaded for quite a few months now. Well, whatever. She’s cute and innocent.
Onomachi Haruka - Another of the rare, truly seiso people in the team, but can go wild if the vibe goes that way. Lost and found a llama in minecraft once.
Seto Miyako - Kind of a quiet girl who might be psychopathic... you know the type. Her true tendencies pop up during gaming. Also tweets a lot... make sense.
Kataribe Tsumugu - Basically retired, but her concept was so shocking that it took Naruse Naru’s return of old design to push her into the bottom of the list.
Otogibara Era - She’s a Cinderella if she has gone completely out the window. People routinely separate the original Cinderella side as Era, and her true side as Gibara.
God, how do I describe her. Gibara is just great. Her adult comments are something to behold, let’s say she gels with Tamaki very well. She returns to monke often, and does other types of screams too... seriously look at her gacha stream and witness Gibara in her full glory. Also incredibly lazy and definitely cannot live by herself.
But as you have guessed it, she is an incredible singer. (It might be the case that incredible singing is associated with madness) Had knockout hit with her 3D stream, trending number one on twitter and 30,000 US dollars in superchats!
Lize Helesta - Queen of Shizuoka, I mean Heleste kingdom. Usually behaves like an empress, but as with most royalty has a real competitive spirit, so she knows how to badmouth when she needs to. So, she’s a really stingy person as well... not really fitting for a royalty, but you do know some people that act like that.
She’s a strange person. Look at asphalt or a handstand in order to sleep. Friends with Ange, who was a childhood friend, even with an age difference. Also does radio stuff with Lulu as well. Reveres Mito, wonder why. Again, incredible 3D debut.
Ange Katrina - Nice low-middle voice with a smooth upper body, and surprisingly small but that got fixed as 3D started. Think she’s cute, but blushes when people agree. Just a cool gal who I enjoy very much... her streams, I mean.
Inui Toko - She’s a cerberus, and now works at a cafe. A little bit out there, but definitely a tsukkomi. Usually does little gaming outside Minecraft, so mostly talks and sings. A unique laugh and loves Ensemble Stars. Hangs out with red and blue people, like Lize, Ange, Roa, Ayame, Suisei and so on. Actually is boing boing, Ange felt betrayed.
And as mentioned above, a great singer, and can play many instruments as well!
Saegusa Akina - High tension singer, who is quite sickly and is terrible with girls. But he got better as time went on and the ship with his gen mate Manami started to sail. Actually he hangs around with many girls... maybe it’s just Manami?
Arizona Manami - Ito Life’s daughter... so you know what she looks like. Calls herself the queen of sensitivity, and yes she does very suggestive streams... but she’s pretty innocent and childish... so she’s kind of like Melody in a way. Has a very fond-looking relationship with Akina as mentioned above.
Suzuhara Lulu - Just your typical art student. She’s a rich girl, so she knows very little about the outside world. Definitely has stamina of a thousand horses, famously played 11 hours of Dark Souls, then straight onto 10 hours of Ring Fit, and never got phased. Seriously, she never gets phased. She rode the freaking snake without a problem! Apparently really beautiful in real life, really has large expressions.
There’s a rumor going around that she’s actually some kind of an eldritch god... and I don’t know where that comes from at all. Look at her, she’s such a sweet gal, look at her dancing and singing... she’s a true idol, that’s what she is... (don’t hurt me.)
Yukishiro Mahiro - First-year high-schooler. Good variety of content. Her personality is of a rude kouhai. One viewer described her as a bad-tempered chihuahua. Really likes Kanae, which is okay, I guess. There’s not much more than that.
2019 Part 2 (May-Aug)
Ex Albio - A hero from a different world. Originally portrayed as a rude snarky figure, much like Kazuma without charm or luck but with perseverance. Got his fame through his noob Minecraft experience, as with Minecraft servers, they are ripe with collab opportunities, so he started to collab especially with Ars Almal, which he thinks as a mentor... and so they both talk in high register. Eventually became a couple.
Has a thing where he questions something and immediately denies it, which is quite funny. Eventually got a dark alter version due to the imagination tournament I talked about earlier, which brings the fact that he can’t fight until tragedy occurs.
Levi Elipha - Actually only six years old, and apparently dense, like physically dense. Great singer and good physique, does some English songs as well.
Nui Sociere - A 25-year old witch, but more like a NEET with an addiction to horse racing. Very much like Megumi in terms of magic abilities, but capable of melee.
Kind of sounds like Doraemon when she screams... usually plays JRPG... and well, just look at her. Damn... well, least you have something to look forward to.
Hayama Marin - Hayame is Hayame. She’s just a little kid with a pure mind. Yeah.
Hayato Kagami - CEO of a toy company, so called that. Polite and diligent, but like a CEO of a toy company, completely becomes a boy when getting a bit excited.
Actually is a great singer, maybe a trained singer as well. As a good example of rich getting richer, fans have a tendency to throw red superchat, a typical stream might hit 10K USD, even though there’s nothing particular going on.
Yorumi Rena - Idol magician, but no actual proof of her magic abilities. Plays APEX a lot. Very much an outgoing person with lots of collab from everyone. Hakase calls her mama. Sleep promptly at midnight, except when ARK was involved.
Also makes 8-bit art proficiently, does all her loading screen. A bit of a lewd mind.
Hakase Fuyuki - HIgh school girl who likes to experiment, but it’s obvious none of it ever works. Tries to ship Yorumi and Kagami, and calls him papa. Just absolutely in her own world and everyone is just privy to it... also incredibly bad at gaming.
Mayuzumi Kai - A white hacker. Very cool, but has a thing for comedy, almost to the level of Joe Riikichi, but laughs very little himself. Make sense, since he lost his parents at an early age and lived in the system, therefore is a night streamer. Very good with kids as a result, and very kind and polite as well.
Ars Almal - A mage who specializes in lightning. Started out by apologizing, gets bullied for her round face, usually by Shiina. Cute voice with toxic words with a knack for pranks and taunts. Actually is quite boing boing. Good at Minecraft construction, but get rough and dirty under the wheel, as in Mario Kart. Became a kitsune, and then immediately got compared to Fubuki... much like Fubuki in a sense.
Aiba Uiha - Another idol who is a bit out there, has a tendency to be clingy. Also has a large physique... kind of a denatured Lulu is what I’m getting at. Sisters with Ara Chae, incredibly bad eyesight, apparently. I can see that, actually.
Eli Conifer - A flower fairy and maid with a unique phrasing. Likes to immerse herself in games, very knowledgeable, especially with teas, and also handy at housework, and superb at drawing and singing. Ryushen and Rion think she’s a badass, and they might not be entirely wrong on that aspect, actually.
Kokoro Amaiya - Dragonborn, I think. But there’s no dragon anymore. Has that mumble-speak that people really don’t like. She’s very much kid-like in a sense, uh, so get put into the loli category much like her fellow peer. Incredibly weak.
Ratna Petit - Adventurer with an independent streak. Does games and ASMR, tries to be grown up during collabs, but retreats into a kid in solo streams. Got the infamous random deletion of the account that Kiara famously got.
Nijisanji ID Gen 1
Taka Radjiman - Another CEO, this time a food CEO. Usually streams games, but much like other CEOs here, a pretty good singer as well. Obviously a good cook as well.
ZEA Cornelia - She’s an automata. ZEA is short for Z-type Executive Automation. Likes to sing, and sung many songs including La Vien en Rose by IZONE! I really like her, her streams are bit odd and ZEA can carry a stream like no another.
Hana Macchia - A design student, much like Lulu. Likes drawing as you expect, also like gaming as well. Does some barista stuff as well, a kind of the ambassador of Nijisanji ID, since her father is American and her mother is Japanese, and she lives in Indonesia.
Papa Macchia appears on stream from time to time, and apparently was the progenitor of Hana’s gaming prestige as he played Doom and Half-Life. She’s on the cute side of things, but blushes when she gets called that. Also cries in horror, but screams in excitement... just overall a well-rounded in strangeness. I really like her.
2019 Part 3 (Sep-Dec)
Sukoya Kana - Incredibly smart, but also has an otaku and perverted side. Likes acting, as you might have guessed and bad at housework. Has a quiet voice, but gets savage when a game is involved. Pretty good at english as well. Does a radio show as well.
Oh, yeah, likes to throw up. It’s a thing. Also plays drums. She’s pretty cool.
Shellin Burgundy - Before Kanata did her PPT intro, Shellin was the first one. Professes himself to be a detective, but little lightheaded for that. Good narration voice, though, which means he’s a good singer as well. I kind of like him. He’s good.
Hayase Sou - An outdoorsy girl who likes cosplay and road biking. Kind of talks like she’s middle age, but she acts pretty young. And of course she likes shotas.
Fumi - It took over a year for her to debut. She’s a hikikomori gundam otaku and a goddess. A bit airheaded and pretty bad at gaming, and since she is 67, gets called grandma infrequently. She’s fun to watch. Has a ship with Nagao.
Hoshikawa Sara - Half Japanese and half English. Definitely a cool and tough, ready to take whatever sex jokes and insults you throw at her. Hangs out with Mahiro a lot, or with male members like Yumeoi, Ebio, Shellion or Kanda. Has a wide voice range, with a wide personality as well. There’s a sense of healing to her, honestly.
Obviously gets fangirled by many, including Matsuri, whose frequently red superchats her much to her confusion and relative embarrassment.
Yamagami Karuta - She’s a tengou in training, since she is filled with desires, mostly to connect with people. This is real, apparently. Has a ship with a staff member...
Matsukai Mao - Smartest devil... no, she’s an airhead like the rest of them. Apparently she can spit out crude oil... which is pretty useless. Definitely an unlucky, miserable person who needs to be protected at all times, and she relishes that like the devil she is.
Hangs around with Luis a lot in real life, apparently. Also plays APEX and stuff.
Emma August - Demon Lord that was thrown in an uprising, living with Morinaka Kazaki, and got a new house in February of last year. An alcoholic and a masochist, who gets berated by Kazaki of all people. Definitely not a loli, that’s for sure.
Luis Cammy - An expert thief, which excites Shellin very much. Seen as the leader of the gen, but found out to be much of a kid as the gen mates, especially around Shellin. They are a couple now, apparently. Oh yeah, she did an Outlast stream with a cat outfit and invited Shellin because she was scared? Now there's a loli version of her... yikes.
Fuwa Minato - A host, but a teetotaler, because of health problems... yet drinks Monster energy like it’s no business. A bit out there, as Nijisanji people are. A bit of a trickster, a bad boy if you will... right there with being good at games as well. He’s pretty cool.
Shirayuki Tomoe - When I first saw her, she felt like one of those people in mahjong tournaments. Well, she’s a queen of the night, so night-time streamer, although she has daytime streams as well. Strong drinker. Talks about SM, but also effortlessly friendly and a lovely person. I think she’s attractive, but I can see why people call her cute. She hates bugs, loves cute things, odd thoughts... feels like an aunt to me.
Very bad at reading kanji, not that she’s good at anything else. Likes to practice, hence preserved her way in the Mario Kart tournament. Does talk and ASMR streams with a third of her viewers being women. Likes Mirei, makes sense. Oh, she’s a nudist.
And don’t forget the relationship between Kana and her. Purported to be the most real of the ships of any vtubers. I believe it’s called Crossick. I don’t know too much.
Gwelu Os Gar - Presenter for the elf kingdom, hired as a presenter, since Nijisanji got so big and there’s only so many Kakeru around. Unfortunately seen as boring, and transitioned into kind of a Maimoto character.
Already married, I don’t know why that’s significant but there you go. Oh, and an actual dad! That is pretty significant. Although Setsuna also has a child, and had to retire to take care of the little baby. Teaches math to others, so that’s cool.
Mashiro - Recent high school graduate. He’s a boy. Yes, he has heels and boobs, but he’s a boy. And yes, he is a bit out there, stealing candies from the office.
Naraka - Another oni, and a loli-baba. Obviously a fan of the fellow oni, Mikoto... which has a queen kid relationship. And yes, her chest is smaller than Mashiro... sad.
Kurusu Natsume - 19-year old college student who likes music and sheep. Very smart and very normal. Has an ASMR test stream, which was pretty fun.
Nijisanji ID 2nd Gen
Rai Galliel - An interdimensional policeman. Likes cheese, but hate porridge due to only eating one for four months. Likes baking, pretty cool personality, if a bit straight edge.
Amicia Michella - A freelance illustrator, so the drawing is superb. Like sleep but also sports. Also penguins. Likes to play horror games pretty calmly. Raises two dogs, well one of them passed away late last year. Sang a 10cm cover?
Miyu Ottavia - A business student, and likes otters and is optimistic. Mostly plays RPG and online multiplayers. Tries to be cool, but look at her! She’s very cute.
Riksa Dhirendra - A 24-year-old freelancer and works as an editor and translator. Looks mean, but is actually a very decent gut. He is pretty competitive. Plays RPG.
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Roger & Elizabeth
@dngerouswcman I’m placing these here because i’m deleting the other account - thought it would be fun to still have the thread.
He knew it had been some time now, but that didn’t mean that his heart still didn’t hurt. The guy had been fucking cheated out of what could have been a great and meaningful relationship and that to him is what hurt the most. But alas he was in a new town and a new place and with Dan by his side he was going to try and move on, ( try being the key word here ) “Zarina?” he couldn’t believe his eyes-… was it really her? Her ghost still fucking haunting him when he wanted to move on-… “Sorry, I-… thought you were someone else” and yet here he was just wanting to caress her hair ( a complete and utter strangers hair ) because he was love sick over his ex.
Elisabeth was just walking the streets like usual, she just had her run of the day. Being an influencer meant maintaining her shape. “Zarina?” She said confused as she turned around to look at the guy who came close to her. “Sorry, my name is Elizabeth...” She felt a bit conflicted that she couldn’t help the person, but nodded, offering the other a kind smile. “It’s no issue.” She said softly, she could sense that the person really felt conflicted about something. “I hope you find her, that Zarina. Sorry I wasn’t the one you’re looking for.” All she could do was send the guy on his way and hope that he finds the girl.
Of course it hurt. How could it not. When someone who you put effort, time and feelings in hurts you and leaves you. Elizabeth certainly knew that pain, but it got easier with time. Nowadays she could think of her ex without the feeling of crying. She hoped that day would come for Romeo as well. “Well I hope you don’t mind pasta, cause thats what I’ll be making tonight.”
A kind smile came over his features at her response to cooking him pasta; “I haven’t been cooked a meal in a very long time” and a sense of comfort and home washed over him which was definitely not expected; “And I appreciate it so very much when it does happen” which wasn’t very often because all he wanted to do was take care of someone and have someone take care of him; “So you don’t need to worry about that” actually looking forward to seeing this gorgeous girl do something so mundane.
She held her finger in front of her. “But first - a drink.” She chuckled slightly as she pulled him into the bar. “For me a fruit beer please.” Low rate in alchohol yet sweet and hey, it was beer. Plus no one would look at her weirdly cause the beer was practically designed for women. She didn’t want to get drunk too quickly as well, wanted to stay sober while talking to this guy, who somehow seemed quite interesting to her. “And what do you want, it’s my treat.”
Roger was a complete and utter mystery and usually he strayed from people but this femme was a magnetic field and he was drawn into her; “of course, I did promise after all didn’t I?” trying to show a more genuine side to him instead of the scared and isolated that he was used too; “And I’ll have a beer please” adding onto her order and sliding his card to the bartender; “Well I would actually like anything that would get me to spend more time with you-…” putting that little hint out there that he was interested in her and hoped that she felt the same.
“That you did.” Elizabeth said with a pleased humm. She really enjoyed people who remembered their promises and kept them all the more. She found herself a little interested in the guy who clearly had his heart broken by her look-alike. A pity as she thinks so herself. He seemed like a great guy, a little bit clumsy with his words but passionate. She could certainly see herself date a guy like that. “I thought I was paying?” She had seen him slide his card. “Well then spend more time with me.” Like usual her statement was a little at the bolder side. But that’s simply because Elizabeth was confident in herself. She knew which mistakes she wouldn’t make.
If there was something Roger tried to do, it was keep his promises - after all he didn’t see the point in making them if they couldn’t be kept; “I don’t know how many male presences you’ve been in front of Ms-… but a good gentleman always pays” and he liked to think of himself not only as an older soul with his hobbies and romance tactics but also on the gentleman side as well; “I would never say no to that, maybe I can tell you a little about myself if you’re interested?” hoping she was because Roger was certainly interested in her.
“Not many as you might have guessed.” Elizabeth said with a sigh. She didn’t mind paying herself, it was more because she believed a modern woman didn’t need any special courtship, they were capable. But it was a nice change, and she decided not to fight back, though she couldn’t help but slip: “Next time I’m paying though.” Her stubbornness won over in the end. But she was surprised in herself she was already thinking of a next time with Mr. Romeo. “Well I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t interested, right? Talk away.”
“Well that’s a shame” and it honestly was, not because it meant that it was easy to impress her but because a woman like her should only be surrounded by gentlemen; “I’m sorry you have experienced that” Roger did nod and agree through to her reply and offer to pay next; “Absolutely, I’ll even let you slap my hand if I try to pull a fast one on you” a smirk on his features as he handed her the drink from the bartender; “Okay well” rubbing his hands on his jeans; “I’m Roger, I’m twenty seven-.. British-… as you probably gathered and I have a younger brother.” pausing before wondering what else he could let out; “I own a record store not too far from here and today is my first day here”
She shook her head, she didn’t know if it was a pity or not, sure she would have rather been treated more kindly. But it made her more independant, her expectations were a lot more realistic because of it. Not everyone got to settle with a prince Charming, but that’s alright. Not everyone had to be a princess or prince to deserve love. At least that was how Elizabeth thought. Beauty was overrated, she saw that as a model. “Good because I certainly will.” She cheekily added. “Hello, 27 year old Roger from Brittain with a younger brother and a record store. I’m Elizabeth Major, secret youtube sensation and secret model and spokeswoman for human rights, women’s rights and war victims. I’m 24 and a scorpio which makes me mysterious-” She barked a laugh. “Sorry not that big of a believer in astrology. I believe that the stars align in however I plan them and that every bad experience is just an experience.”
The femme was definitely a firework and he was seeing her spark, just wanting to reach out and capture her in a jar so that he could stare at her for the rest of eternity; “Wow-…” being speechless; “A good ‘wow’ by the way you have just so much going for you and I seem really lame in comparison” if the other had a colour assigned to her, she would be a bright yellow, almost like a daisy or dandelion; “I don’t care too much for star signs or anything like that but I do find astrology interesting to say the least” he will watch documentaries from time to time but he wouldn’t go out of his way to say they were together because of their signs; “talk to me about your beliefs in human, women’s rights though-… along with the war victims, that seems really interesting” Roger did hear the Secret Model and Youtuber bit but he didn’t want her to think that’s what he was focused on, he wanted her to know that he knew that she was more then that.
Roger was more like a raindrop, you don’t expect the rain to come but when it does it has a cooling effect on your skin. It’s relaxing as well and Liza could feel herself not feeling too bothered talking to him. He was a bit of a stranger, but he was interesting enough for Elizabeth to want to know him closely. His eyes showed her stories she wanted to pry out, she could sense his hurt even now but it gave her the want to make it all better for him. To please him. She blinked as she found herself in her little dillema that she dealt with with her ex. Her ex hated this part of her, because it contradicted with how she was on the workfield. Strong and powerful, but she wasn’t like that in the bedroom. She was submissive, someone who wanted to be spoilt. It was as if she was someone completly different. “I believe that humanity has a moral compass when they are born, some decide to be good some decide to be bad. But not everything that is labeled bad in countries is labeled bad to me. For example a woman going against the goverment to gain the right to work, is labeled bad in that country but is good in my eyes.” She wondered if she was making much sense. Her mind was all over the place and it made it hard for the words to come out, it was as if she was drowing in his eyes and she felt a need to kiss those eyelids and comfort him.
Roger was someone who was in pieces right now, he was trying very hard to not show it but it was hard to not have walls up. Zarina had quite literally ruined him and future relationships for that matter ( and he didn’t want to be that way for Liza ) but he was trying his best to do what he can because what was done was done and he couldn’t fix what didn’t want to be fixed in the first place; “That’s very interesting” sure he had met women who had claimed they wanted to be ‘feminist’ and had those views, but Liza was different; “How did you get into that?” wanting to pick her mind, wondering what she was thinking, what was going in her head; “Sorry to seem so random but-… penny for your thoughts?”
“Sixth grade.” This was a hard story to tell but an important one. “A girl was being bullied for being a lesbian and ended in a car crash.” She sighed. “I wasn’t very close to her, but I certainly was what you could call one of the popular kids, and when I heard the news I just felt this great desire to - help. She lost her legs and it would take a long time for her to walk so I decided to coach her. We ended up being each other’s prom date. From that moment on I realized that being kind meant you could transform people’s lives.”
“You started out young” no sixth grader he knew was thinking about those kinds of topics so Roger could only assume that something had to have happened to her in order for her to think that it was important enough to educate herself on them; “I’m sorry to hear that” for the most part he kept a tight lip, not because he wasn’t much of a talker ( because he wasn’t anyways ) but because he knew that when death was mentioned it was respectful to be quiet; “I lost my parents when I was young, had to step up to take care of my brother-… left school and university because of it-…so I know what it’s like to be so close to loosing something” even though Liza hadn’t lost the girl maybe she would appreciate in knowing that they were more alike then originally thought especially when they had their brushes of death with the people in their lives.
Eliza shrugged. “I wish I started out sooner. I could have done so much more if that had been the case.” She could have made kids selfasure about themselves. She could have helped people out with their studies. She could have done more. She listened quietly to his story about his parents and her heart ached for him. “I’m sorry to hear you have been through that, but I’m sure your brother must have appreciated the sacrifices you have made for him.”
Hello there @hey-erikafebri-blog, I’m typing this as a response as it appears you’ve either blocked me or deleted the post.
Angel is 35, Husk is 75. I never said Husk was creepy at all - you did. Though the video was a joke post amongst friends, it does have some weight to it. Allow me to explain:
Had Husk and Angel been real human beings, this is how it would look - an old man with a younger person. However the video also shows her to be rather... Spoilt in some aspects, and much of the time focused on her rather than him. Jay makes the comments about their interactions best - perhaps you should watch it?
Now some people make the age comment without knowledge on how age gaps in relationships have impact. Jay again briefly touches on this in terms of compatibility, relatability, life goals, interests, etc - theres a lot more that goes into a relationship that what many fans think. In fact, looking through the IG comments, Husk gets quite some shit if he insults or disagrees with Angel by fans. He wants his money back? Fans think hes awful. He tells Angel to fuck off when he’s being sexually harassed (like in your banner)? Fans tell him he’s just mean and ‘tsundere’. I personally know people like Husk and Angel, enough to know their romantic compatibility is low as well as how creepy Angel people can be. It appears you have overlooked this. Whether you like to admit it or not, Angel does sexually harass Husk - he never accepts no off him and even has a candid photo of him on the wall like Husk is some boy band crush. Whether you like it or not, it’s creepy. It’s disgusting. Angel does NOT respect Husk’s boundaries. I could go on but I’ve already made a post on how it’s a toxic ship as well as gives impressionable fans a bad idea of a healthy relationship as well as feeds into the toxic stereotype of gay men forcing uninterested men into sex. Husk’s body language around Angel is even uncomfortable and turned away, whereas with Niffty he’s relaxed.
Now, people are entitled to ship what they like but with LIMITS. When something is clearly toxic, it’s deeply unsettling for those with similar traumas. If you wish to ship it, I cant stop you HOWEVER you should still consider the impact it has. Normally, I would let this be as a different opinion HOWEVER your tags are antagonistic and immature - THAT needs addressing. Like Viv, you seem unable to accept criticism even to the point of a simple joke being offensive and rather than starting a mature debate, you become hostile and seem to have deleted the post or blocked me. If it’s the latter, then you are an example of Viv’s influence on other’s behaviours - you cannot and should not get away with being hateful and hiding like a coward. It is fans like YOU who give everyone else in the fandom a shit rep. You are no better than Viv. If you wanted an ‘actual argument’ you would ask and I could link you to my post on it. That’s a public cover up to make you seem far more mature and better than you are.
“Shut the fuck up challenge” how... Mature- I neednt say more on that one, just allow it to simmer. The age argument has concrete real world science to why most times it fails. Viv wants her HH world to be more realistic - she said so herself. Yet this is far from that, as well as indulges in a rather toxic relationship. The age gap itself is actually the surface level reason - again, we could have had a mature discussion had you left the window open on that. As for grasping straws, again re-read this post again.
The fact you display such hostility, sarcasm ‘lmao’ and are willing to reblog without any means for me to access it says an awful lot about you. If you’ve kept up the reblog and blocked me, then you are willing to showcase MYSELF for harassment over a joke and knowing very little on my reasoning outside this joke post whilst you are free to hide. You - much like Viv - seem to find comfort in avoiding consequences and accountability to your own actions. If you’ve blocked me, you are intentionally showing bias to make yourself seem far more open and agreeable than you are. Interesting how you are actively engaging in harassment and bullying this way. With your hostility, there is no means for me to counter with my side. It isn’t a fair debate.
Overall, I ask that people do NOT harass this person nor bully. I am showcasing her as an example of how the fandom often responds and behaves. The side that most see. The side that puts people off this fandom entirely. She is an example of how not to behave. And this I will make clear. Again, DO NOT HARASS OR BULLY HER. Learn from this, be better people.
Just proof that I personally account access the post as well as that I have not blocked them.
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some P!ATD events in September 2006...
So the guys returned home at the start of September and had their first decent break for the first time that year (they had like 10 days off in January, April, and August, but any time “off” in May was intense practice for the summer tour). They also spent a bit of September working on tour details and other band-related projects, though. Here’s an excerpt from a VH1 interview with Ryan:
"I got back to Vegas on September 2nd, and we've really got nothing planned for a bit, which officially makes this the longest time we've had off since Christmas. It's nice to be home — I go to the same old sandwich shop around the corner, I go to the movies, I do what I like to do. But, of course, all of us are still working on some things. So it's not like a total vacation.”
RANDOM SEPTEMBER STUFF
I think I might have been slacking with this tag, but any September stuff will be in there eventually.
Spencer and Jon both had birthdays this month.
At the start of September the band was trying to borrow Motley Crue’s circus tent for their next tour, so plans were coming along.
Most NRWC tickets went on sale in early September (except the tour didn’t have a name yet). I remember some people were skeptical that P!ATD could sell out massive arenas… but they did. within hours.
Ryan went to visit Pete. That’s also the point where he worked out his guitar solo for "The Take Over, the Breaks Over" (but we didn’t know that at the time).
Ryan told MTV he was writing some songs and taking voice & guitar lessons. Ryan was usually the one who talked to James Montgomery by this point, so they built a sort of working relationship over the years (which is why the shift in tone in summer 2009 was so noticeable).
in 2007 MTV quoted Ryan as saying it was strange for him to go back to his bedroom at his mom’s house after the VMA win in 2006… but they often got details wrong or misquoted the guys so who knows.
P!ATD was planning their music video for Build God during this time and said that would be their last video from AFYCSO. They’d probably mentioned over 100 times that Build God was their favorite one of their songs ha... they also picked it whenever a journalist or DJ asked which one song the band wanted people to hear from their album.
Ryan mentioned during an interview that he might want to write a novel someday.
Brendon mostly shopped in the girl’s section of Urban Outfitters and American Apparel still... often his entire outfit was made for girls (sometimes even his shoes). Spencer wore a lot of girl’s clothes too. I think I just really appreciated seeing more guys in my generation breaking expected gender norms because the bullying over guys wearing girl’s clothes was definitely an issue at my high school.
Jon added a lot of pictures to the band’s album for August, but then the September album started to slowly turn into stuff submitted by fans...
The guys had said in interviews throughout the year that they were still driving their old cars since they hadn’t really been home to use the money they’d earned. Brendon was still driving his parents’ old purple minivan that summer and Ryan was still driving the crappy car he’d complained about in college. So it sounded like they were using their new money and time off in September to check out cars. Spencer did a couple phone interviews for New Zealand during this month and one of them happened on the day he had been out looking for a new car... he said he looked at a Mini Cooper because he liked how he could completely customize it. Spencer also mentioned that Brendon had just bought an Audi and that Ryan was looking at a Mercedes because he wanted an expensive car (I think this picture might be connected).
Ryan was pretty into expensive designers & name brands this year, which the band lightly teased him about a couple times. He had a decent amount of Dior stuff, but he seemed to be into Louis Vuitton the most. I think I mentioned in the post above (about when Ryan went to visit Pete) that Pete gave him a black Chanel broach. So Ryan’s life had improved a lot over the past year :)
the band had over a million myspace friends by September.
by this point P!ATD felt like a mainstream band, but that wasn’t a bad thing at all! A lot of fans were mourning the loss of the “old” band, but I thought the new phase or whatever was pretty exciting too. Sometimes it seemed like the guys had almost lost control of a band that was bigger than them and they were just being swept along… but for the most part it looked like they were adjusting to fame well (or at least coping).
STUFF THAT’S MORE ABOUT FANS...
fans were editing Wikipedia even more with weird stuff about the guys.
people were spreading the rumor that P!ATD was doing a collab with Kanye West.
Just because I’m not mentioning much about how fans were acting by this point doesn’t mean that the same old topics didn’t continue… it’s more like I had gotten used to the new normal so it didn’t stand out anymore. People were still going on & on about how the guys were “mean,” the guys were hot, Ryan had an Adam’s apple or fingers or legs or a bulge or elbows etc. Jon told NME that “the internet’s been a son of a bitch lately” and Ryan said “it actually frightens me that kids are concentrating more on our Adam’s apples than our music. Or their homework.” NME also mentioned that Brendon had discovered an online community focused on his butt… and my first thought was to wonder which one he’d seen because there were definitely several ha.
In another interview the band was asked if the horrible things people say online ever affects them. Ryan said “It used to, maybe.” And Jon said that “The first couple of months I was in the band, I would look through it online, seeing what people had to say, and seeing what people had to say to stick up for me. At the same time… it just doesn’t matter at all. It’s like the kids in high school who didn’t like you.” Ryan added “they’re just gossiping.”
The whole Ryden thing had taken off by September. Some fans were buying the Hollister “Ryder” perfume only because the font looked like it said Ryden. But I need to emphasize that almost nobody actually believed that Brendon & Ryan were more than friends! Fans were just having fun. Plus, people couldn’t properly distort recent events because everyone was still familiar with the actual facts (and fans still had Jessica’s info... so something like the future Myrtle Beach theory would’ve been laughed off so fast).
Ryan later told Q Magazine that “there's all this porn fiction where kids imagine me and Brendon having sex with each other. It's kind of sick.” And that quote sent some people into an uproar that Ryan Ross was homophobic and horrible lol (idk if the exact phrase “homophobic” was used, but that was the general direction of the negativity... like Ryan Ross was grossed out by gay people and hated them).
I don’t want to hear/read the word “vegetarian” in the same sentence with “Brendon” ever again. His diet had been a heated debate for most of the year and I could not figure out why it MATTERED. He had been trying different diets as he figured out how to stay healthy & take care of his voice (I swear he was sick more often than not in 2006). But fans turned his diet into some philosophical way of life that they identified with, so they’d flip out & call him a liar if they spotted him ordering fish at a restaurant several months after an interview where he mentioned he was trying to avoid meat.
There was a rumor in September that the band would be on SNL, but that didn’t happen until 2008.
The fandom in general seemed to love all four band members relatively equally in the last half of 2006, but JWalk definitely felt like a favorite sometimes… I just really want to make it clear that he was in NO way underappreciated ha. He was so adored! Jon cared about fans so so so much and seemed to want to develop a meaningful connection. He was the main person who updated the band’s journal, lurked online to see what fans were thinking, and shared pictures to the band’s album (his picturesatthedisco account is mixed in with that tag too btw).
Zack had gotten a decent sized fanbase... and ok not to be cynical but it really seemed like people were only sucking up to him so he’d pick them to meet the band and/or marry Ryan (who was the only single guy left).
Zack got a myspace and livejournal in an attempt to connect with fans and people started spamming him, being incredibly obnoxious & weird, and saying really gross things about the band members. It was nice to have him answer some questions, though… and he let the fandom know the correct way to spell his name (and why he picked Zack because nobody would get Zech). He also said that the band definitely watched all of the dvds they got of fans doing dances & dumb stuff to P!ATD songs haha. By the end of the month he had to delete his accounts or make them private because he was getting fans who were screaming for his attention, which distracted him from doing his job. He said that “the focus is and must always be the guys . so this is the point where i do what most bodygaurds do and stop being nice . well kinda haha i mean im still zack and i still think all of you are awsome but the myspace and the lj are done . i will still say hi to the fans and stuff but no more pics no more answering stuff .. sorry but its not what im here to do . im here to make sure there safe and thats all . so thanks for everything but goodbye.” But he reactivated his account a few times over the next couple years to quickly deliver correct info if there was something the band wanted addressed. (Note: I am in no way supporting Zack in general here… I’m just listing band-related events from this month that felt significant to me).
THE RIDICULOUS NME INTERVIEW
The band explained more towards the end of 2006 about what had happened during this interview. Brendon said “NME thrives on beef. The writer spent two days with us trying to get us to talk shit about My Chem, the Killers and Fall Out Boy and what he got out of us was a quote taken out of context.” The quote he’s talking about was the “Emo is bullshit!” on P!ATD’s October cover.
The NME article wasn’t bad or anything, but you had to wade through the journalist’s nonsense to get to the actual info... it was like they were working overtime to find/create any hint of drama.
The band had been saying since summer that Jon was the only one who really drank (he was underage but the whole band had been open about discussing Brendon’s drinking that spring too). Jon had turned 21 earlier in September, but NME still made his drinking into a weird focus during the interview… like they pointed out how Jon was on his second beer, how the other 3 guys didn’t drink, how Jon looked the worse for wear the next morning, how he was lying on the sofa sweating out a late night, and then wrote that Jon “says that the rest of Panic! don’t have a problem with his drinking” with a quote from Jon saying “it’s not as if I’m an alcoholic.” It was just a strange thing to keep bringing up.
This was also the season where Brendon seemed... really off. (He’s shared more since then about how his meds weren’t working for him). So maybe that’s part of what played into this interview, but I also think the journalist sounded like a jerk who tried to antagonize Brendon in subtle ways until they finally got something dramatic & exclusive to write about. So during the interview Brendon mentioned someone had tried to follow his mom home because she had a sticker on her car that said something like “my son’s the singer in P!ATD.” The journalist was laughing at Brendon and the rest of the band kept interrupting him & laughing so he couldn't defend his mom or explain... and yeah it’s understandable that he would finally tell everyone to f--- off and then be done with the interview. It’s his mother. (Some fans pointed out how meaningful it would be for Brendon to have his mom finally be proud of him after his parents had been so unsupportive while he was trying to finish high school & pursue the band). The NME journalist wrote that Brendon had a “tantrum.” But it sounded like Brendon just looked at his phone for the rest of the interview and refused to participate... Ryan did the same thing in a 2008 interview with a really crappy journalist (he just sat in the corner, read his book, and refused to participate). I guess NME needed a dramatic angle to print.
It’s unfortunate that so many other journalists referenced this interview because that meant P!ATD had to clarify points and answer questions about random inaccurate quotes for the next couple years. NME used the quote “We want to be the new Radiohead” as part of a headline for this issue, but here’s what Ryan was actually saying:
NME: You cover Radiohead’s Karma Police in your live set. As an act who have achieved commercial success on a global scale, but also managed to retain their artistic integrity, are they the benchmark?
Ryan: Yeah. Pretty much Radiohead and The Beatles are the only bands to have done it.
By late 2006 Ryan was having to clarify with statements like “…what we meant was that we’re influenced by what they’ve done in creating something that’s their own… it doesn’t mean we want to sound like them it just means we admire the way they do things.” He said many times that his quote had been misunderstood. However, at the Kuala Lumpur press conference in August 2008 it sounded like Ryan blamed Brendon for the quote and then said that Brendon didn’t actually mean they were the new Radiohead.
The point is that even in 2008 waaaay too many interviews included a question that went something like “so I’ve heard you guys want to be the new Radiohead?” A few journalists just took it as fact and wrote that the band considered themselves the new Radiohead. It made P!ATD look silly & unnecessarily pretentious... and it was just because NME needed to act like a tabloid sometimes.
OTHER LATE SEPTEMBER EVENTS
The NME article was helpful for basic info like how the guys tried to go see The Killers play on September 22, but the tickets that were in their name had mysteriously disappeared. (Spencer was still a serious fan of that band despite all of the drama over the past year). The next morning P!ATD had a photoshoot in NYC and NME shadowed the band for the day. Jon wiped part of his makeup off pretty quickly, but it looked like the other guys mostly kept that makeup on for their Boost Mobile RockCorps performance later that night.
the US premiere of the Lying is the Most Fun video: the video came out in the UK back in July, so naturally everyone had already seen a version on youtube. The video felt like really old news by September, but it still premiered in the US on TRL on the 28th (here’s a dead link). The TRL premiere wasn’t that big of a deal, though... the P!ATD guys were only on the webcam and the connection sucked (although it was a little entertaining when one of them – maybe Spencer – started saying inappropriate phrases because he thought the sound had cut out lol).
the mtvU Woodie Awards: (this covers part of October too). P!ATD was nominated for Woodie of the Year and Streaming Woodie (for IWSNT). Fans could vote for this, but I thought it felt a little anticlimactic after everything in August. P!ATD ended up losing both categories.
And I can’t decide exactly where to put this quote from Shane Drake, but it’s relevant for everything that came after the VMAs:
“A lot of bands that have knocked [P!ATD] for their success or their lack of paying their dues or whatever – a lot of bands that have paid their dues have now sort of ripped off some of the stuff [P!ATD] are doing, which to me is brilliant. I think that’s justice. At the end of the day, [P!ATD] sold records, they did what they wanted to do, and they’re having a good time doing it. I don’t know what you can knock about that.”
THE BLOND GIRL
Ryan was spotted in NYC in late September holding hands with a blond girl... and you can imagine how that was perfect fuel for any blond fangirl who wanted to make up some fake story about how she was secretly dating him. People were also suddenly spotting Ryan & the blond girl all over the country (those two must’ve been really good at apparating). The only thing that sounded somewhat credible was how several fans said there was a blond girl on tour with P!ATD towards the middle of October... I just don’t think those particular fans would make up something like that?? They said she wasn’t Cassie (and the other 2 girlfriends weren’t blond). So there were different sightings and stories going around.
I’d learned that it was easier to get actual info if I just waited for all of the gossip & speculation to settle... so it seemed like there was a decent amount being said in September & October, but it all came down to the same idea: there was a blond girl who was supposedly with Ryan. lol that’s it.
BAND UPDATES & JOURNAL ENTRIES
September 6: Presale For Fall Tour Starts Today!
Presale for our fall tour with Bloc Party and Jack's Mannequin has started! Head over to https://tixx1.artistarena.com/panicatthedisco.com to purchase tickets for the shows. Also, for every show 20 people who have purchased presale tickets will be entered in a drawing to be able to attend a meet and greet with us. It's definitely a little crazy how big these shows are to us, as they are to you, but we're trying to do whatever we can to meet as many of you as possible. That's all for now, so head over to the link and pick up your tickets.. regular ticketmaster sales will start this weekend for most places.
September 9: your a naughty one, saucey jack
were alive! how are you guys! im doing awesome. my laptop is getting fixed right now, im updating with my mothers computer (thank you mom, your the best). when my laptop gets back i have some pictures to post on the website from our europe trip. im afraid im not going to have any pictures for september since were all relaxing and being boring, sooo.. if you guys start a live journal thread and post your own panic related pictures in the comments, ill pick 20 of them for the september photo album. weeee! just please keep one main thread, maybe even with this journal entry as the first post. and please, panic related and nothing that you wouldnt want your parents to see. besides all that. THANK you all for voting for us, we had no doubt that our fans would pull through like that. you are and always will be the best. tickets for the november tour are starting to go on sale so get those, well all hang out. i have to run to the grocery store to buy some corn on the cob to make. miss you, BYE!
ps. get off the internet and enjoy the rest of summer :)
- JON WALKER!?>!?!@
(the next update on the 9th was about regular tickets and then Adam updated on the 18th with info on stuff that Jack’s Mannequin was doing. Adam also posted on the 28th about where to download the Lying Is The Most Fun video for your ipod).
September 10: everybody knows where this is heading
Dear You, First and foremost,We took everyone by suprise, good job on turning some heads our way. I think there is something to be said about a video winning video of the year on a budget that was about as much as catering costs for all the other videos we were up against.And I think a large part of it was your support since we began, you all have forced people to pay attention.We truly appreciate every second you spent whispering our name in someone's ear or voting all night long. thank you.
while we are home we are still busy as bees.Many exciting things are coming in the near future, planning this next tour, planning the final video..and also we're putting together something special that we hope will be out around xmas, it will be a look into this band and this record and hopefully you can take something from it and learn a thing or two you didn't know already.
there has been leisure time, and in this time I have stumbled upon a few great gems i'd like to share.I recommend going to see little miss sunshine, and also while you're at it, pick up the soundtrack.Devotchka did some pretty amazing songs for this, especially the ones with Mychael Danna.Give it a shot.Ive also been listening to a record calledDon't be afraid by the eastside sinfonietta, they cover weill, brecht, and eisler pieces here.(some of the most intriguing composers of the early 1900's in my opinion) in ways that make me quite jealous. Also I am on a quest for two plays that Tom Waits wrote the scores for, one is called Alice, the other is called The Black Rider. I've been having a pretty difficult time finding out if the stage show was ever recorded. if you happen to know or find out i'd appreciate the help, it's been driving me crazy. It's now 4:18 a.m. and probably time for bed.goodnight all.
nothingrhymeswithcircus. love RR
- forgive me for forgetting
September 23: dont think twice its alright
tis 12:45 am, i am sitting in my hotel room in nyc getting ready for bed so i can catch an early flight home to chicago to visit my friends and family for another week before we embark on our fall tour. this summer went by so quick it seems, and fall is here to hang out. a lot happend this summer.. i played my first show with panic 4 months ago, and since then, i have made some of the best friends i could ever ask for, met some of the nicest people on the planet and visited numerous beautiful cities. i know ive said it before, but i really cannot explain how much it means to me that you all were so welcoming when i joined this band. i knew it was going to be a life changing experience, but i had no idea that i was walking into such a huge loving family, that includes the other 3 guys, everyone we work with and everyone who cares about this band, especially all of you reading this. i am so excited, along with the other guys, to start this fall tour. we cannot wait to see all your faces. believe me when i say this is just the beginning of p!atd. thank you, and sweet dreams.
September 27: We are beginning to pack our bags and get ready to head off on a month of international touring, but we wanted to let you know that we are nominated for 2 MTVu Woodie Awards. We are up for Woodie of The Year as well as the Streaming Woodie. Head over to FBRVOTE.com and show your support! We're looking forward to heading to Australia for the first time, as well as a lot of cities we've never been to in Europe, so we'll see you all soon. Also, in Europe we will be joined by The Sounds on all of the shows, so please get there early and check them out! - panic!
NOTHING RHYMES WITH CIRCUS
DID YOU SEE THE CASUAL “NOTHINGRHYMESWITHCIRCUS” DROP AT THE END OF RYAN’S SEPTEMBER 10TH POST?!
omg that was such a big moment (and is way bigger in hindsight too lol). We had absolutely no idea what Ryan was talking about. Some people thought it was a casual joke, others thought he was trying to write lyrics and needed help finding a rhyme (fans actually started to list ideas since there was a decent chance he’d see it), and other people thought it might be a clue for something. There was a pretty significant amount of talk across the different sites & forums trying to make sense of this. I thought it was just like a silly side comment… haha I had no idea how much that phrase would mean to me by December.
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Confessions of 2020..
(tw: covid mention, mental health mention)
I wanted to post a little something that might put out some insight for my followers, friends, mutuals alike. With the recent battle I had with some personal blogs attacking me over some posts I made because of the images, regardless of the purpose of the post. I just wanted to let everyone aware of why that sent me over the edge and why I handled it the way I did. Please note: I will not be apologizing for what I said, I do feel as though those that tried to reach out to me did not realize the purpose of the post. And while I understand now I should just tag things like that differently, I will not be apologizing for stating the fact that this is a rp blog and I do not appreciate personal blogs attacking me over something like that. That being said, I will not be bullied off tumblr or this account. Because I love JJBA and Joseph Joestar. So for future reference, if you don’t like my content, unfollow it. Don’t bother sending me nasty remarks because I do not have the time for those types of things.
But I wanted to open the doorway to some insight for you all who have been paying attention or who just might care to know why I came off so incredibly outraged by that little bit. Because to me it was just the topping of a whole bunch of bullshit as is 2020.
This whole shithole of a year began in March. I got promoted at work to salary. That’s 35k a year my friends and that’s a hell of an upgrade for someone who barely makes a living wage right now and came from a working poor family. I really thought my life was gonna turn around. For once my fiance and I wouldn’t have to struggle so hard and we could afford to do everything we talked about doing. Well guess what--2 weeks after the announcement of my promotion my work place shut down because of Covid-19. Nothing new, lots of people and places were shut down. So fine, it pushed back my transfer and such. That wasn’t a big deal.
Enter June 2020. We re-open and my manager calls me into his office to talk to him about said mentioned promotion. They are suspending it, means it could be pushed back until we could lift the restrictions. Understandably so, I would just have to keep my old position, an hourly one, until they were called back. Now the months pass, June becomes July and enter August. I find out about a week before the company announces it at the start of August, the position I was promoted to has been eliminated indefinitely. There is a chance they could come back, but right now they have no idea when or if that’ll happen. Which means that whole part of my department no longer exists at my place of work. I mean it’s a good thing I had my hourly position to fall back into or I’d lost my job. But that salary raise? Gone.
Rewind back to July. I get very very VERY sick. And have to test for covid-19 the first time. Only because I am so sick and have a roommate with asthma I have to quarantine myself for 14 days. So 14 days I am locked in my bedroom alone, sleeping alone after 3 years of being with someone in bed. My meals are being left at the door for me and the only room I am allowed to enter is the bathroom, but only after it has been sanitized. Only for my results to come back negative.
And now... we enter September 2020. Two major things started in September. The first, our old, senior dog became very ill. Started losing weight, wasn’t eating, losing hair, etc. So we knew his time was coming soon enough. Mid-September, I wake up one morning while our dog is dying mind you, and I cannot move my body from the waist down. Every time I tried, I’m greeted with a shot of pain straight up my spine that feels something like a hot poker being stabbed right through my spinal cord. Very very painful. I end up bed-ridden for a day or two because I cannot move. So once the pain subsides, I go see a chiropractor. Shocking (not really) announcement that my sway back--to which I was diagnosed with 10 years prior from a bad car accident--has gotten worse. What does that mean exactly? Well--my spine bends in like a S for those who don’t know, which means my lower back dips inward deeper inside my body and my tail bone curves out. Now along that dip there are 3 or 4 vertebrae that are especially messed up. The bones have become staggered out of place on top of one another, just from the muscles pulling the bones out of shape since my spine doesn’t flex the way it’s supposed to anymore. (And it hasn’t for years). The pain before this was tolerable, it would ache from time to time but never like this. Now I am crippled more or less.
Here’s what that means: my mobility became extremely limited. At first in the am when I woke up I couldn’t move from the waist down for the first hour or two after I woke up. Then when I was finally able to move, I had to use my forearms to literally drag my lower body upright (still painful). Once I was able to manage that, I had to gage how strong my legs were to support my weight. And at first walking wasn’t terrible, but as the treatments began--doctor appointments, spinal adjustments, and physical therapy--to correct my spinal issue, nerve damage became clear. So now on top of this horrible pain, I had to deal with weak legs. Because of nerve damage, my right leg especially became weak. On days my back would hurt especially bad, my right knee would collapse out from under me. Which meant falling to the ground and not being able to stand up or walk for sometime there after.
Now imagine dealing with not being able to support your own body, not being able to hardly walk and your dog dying at the same time. So while I”m trying not to focus on the fact that my mobility is limiting me on what I can and can’t do, my fiance is upset about this. Our dog (then weighed about 100 or more pounds) could no longer walk either. His back legs and hips were giving out as his health declined. I did not have the strength in my own legs to help carry him because his weight hurt me too much and would cause me to collapse. I had to watch my fiance struggle with this practically all by herself while I sat on the floor, only able to use my arms to help with what I could because my legs and back were too weak to do the work.
This carried on into October. Our dog passes away and that alone is hard for me. I still kind of wonder if I wasn’t so weak when he got sick if I could have helped prolong his life just a little longer. I couldn’t hardly look at him when he passed and I couldn’t look at anyone else. I was very angry that my legs and back had failed me. They had failed everyone. So yes, that weight still lingers over me. It was so bad that when it came time to take turns digging his grave, I struggled with the shovel. Because I couldn’t stand up or be bent over to move the dirt, I got on my hands and knees and I took that shovel in my hands and used my arms and shoulders to dig. I wasn’t going to continue to be useless because of my limited mobility. I felt I already let him down and everyone else by not being able to help take care of him while he was still alive and sick. This was the least I could do.
November comes. Things are calm now, for a while. Not bad. I finally get some braces to help with my back issues (which still continue). I keep on with my physical therapy, trying to heal and help my fiance through her mourning over the dog. My mobility slowly begins to improve, though the doctor informs me it will be a very slow process. Small steps he says. But he is still confident he can fix my spine without back surgery so I can walk again, like a regular person. The limit I am able to stand and walk increases with the help of my braces and I begin taking herbal supplements and drinking herbal teas to increase the rate of my recovery. It seems to be working better than over the counter medication. The rest of 2020 seems promising.
Here comes December. On the night my fiance and I decide to go out on a date to celebrate our 5 years together. I get a phone call from work. One of my co-workers tested positive for Covid-19 and I was exposed. I am now suspended from work without pay until my test results come back negative. A real mood killer for the night. It gets better, we get home and despite the dinner being pretty somber the rest of the night seems fine. We watch movies and spend time together, finish wrapping gifts for Christmas. Then we realize the cat is missing. He’s been missing all day and all night. Nobody has seen him.
Two days prior, I had taken my cat to the vet because he was sick. Again, weight loss, losing hair, etc. I was worried he may be sick. Well it’s cold outside and here it’s been snowing so it’s very cold. I set something of mine outside and a literbox for smell. And then a plate of food. ....that was almost 4 days ago. There’s been not a sign of him. I called the county shelter and they didn’t have him. My fiance suggests he was sick so... maybe he got out of the house and went somewhere to die. My gut tells me he’s not coming back. And my heart is breaking, again. Again. I am wondering if I did something wrong. If I would have kept a better eye on him, I knew he wasn’t feeling right. I somehow feel like I let him down.
And then I logged into tumblr and saw those comments. Those asks people were sending about the damn images I posted for the 12 days to Christmas. And they just kept coming. I deleted the other ones, I stopped replying to them and finally just deleted the post. The Christmas spirit had been sucked out of me. I feel as though the world has began to mock me for believing the year could get better back in November. I know one thing, the holiday won’t be as bright this year. Not for me.
I hope everyone stays safe and has a good holiday. Maybe 2021 will be more promising, but I”m not banking on it. Not anymore. Thanks for reading.
I hope you all understand now why I have been so slow with my replies lately. As my mood goes up and down because I have been struggling with the weight of all this and depression, just trying to hang on from losing hope that for one I will be able to walk again normally and then just the loss of my animals... everything. I can’t write and I refuse to send bad quality responses and starters for you all. I hope this puts some insight on why I was so horribly upset the other day.
So thank you to all my friends and everyone who has been so patient with me on all my blogs. Jotaro (dmgdstar) and Johnny (rotatingstar) and this one of course. I will be catching up to everything very soon. I’ve already made a good dent in them. Your patience is always appreciated.
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And Everyday: When Life Gives You Lemons, Put Some Vodka in Your Lemonade (Crystal Methyd/Gigi Goode, Jaida Essence Hall/Jan Sport) - Campvanjie
AN: This was originally written for a fic exchange, and posted to AO3 under my now deleted account there on May 1st, 2020. Reposting here, because I’m proud of it, and am clearing old S12 fics from my Google drive. I’m the original author of this work, and there’s absolutely no plagiarism going on!
Summary: Gigi needs a soft place to land after her quarter-life meltdown, and Crystal realizes the happily every after she gave up on, might not be totally out of reach. Meanwhile, Jaida and Jan work on restoring an old barnhouse; because marriage begets home improvement.Prompts: Parenthood AU, Enemies to Lovers, Idiots in Love, and Angst all used to varying degrees.
CW: conversations around divorce/child custody and (past) bullying behavior, character mentions (non-specific) mental health issues as the reason for a past breakup.
“- Ugh, anyway, it’s like 3:30, he’s almost an hour late and I don’t know why the fuck I even got all dressed up just to sit at court being looked at like I’m some cheap bitch-”, Gigi grumbled into her phone. It was pressed against her cheek as she tried her best to juggle her purse and a extra-large coffee held in her other hand, her livid glare captured perfectly in the harsh, white light of the bathroom mirror across from her.
“I dunno, maybe because you have to be there? Kind of the mom thing to do.”, Crystal told her, static edging into her voice.
It was a long-distance call after all, and Gigi had fought against her fingers dialing the number almost by muscle memory. She had only relented once she had gotten through the packed hallway of the courts complex, and almost collapsed into what seemed like the only empty bathroom.
Call Crystal, had been the only thing she could think of do, in between beating her palms against the cool, brick walls, and shaking with sobs she refused to shed for fear of ruining her makeup.
Without missing a beat; Crystal had picked up, her voice always high and slowed, syllables enunciated in a way that had trained Gigi into asking for coffee, like it was spelled with a K, calling her son’s name, with the E in the middle a sharp, upward spike.
Crystal, Gigi realized with a start; was who had taught her to gulp in her breaths to hide herself crying, and shove her fist into her front pocket, to keep herself from shaking so much.
“I know. I know you’re right. I just- God, I’m so sick of it. It just want this all to be over so I can go back to what’s important, and stop feeling like my entire world is crashing down around me."
Crystal laughed, a little too dry for it to be genuine. "Hey, Gigi?"
"If you- if you wanted, maybe you and the little munchkin could visit? Come see me in Missouri, maybe it’ll get your mind off things."
Gigi’s hands stopped underneath the stream of lukewarm water flowing from the faucet, her eyes meeting her reflection in the mirror. She looked like shit, no matter how much her carefully applied façade remained in place, her gaze jittered around the small room and she had never felt so truly tired in her entire life.
"Yeah. I mean, me of all people should know something about everything falling apart."
Less than an hour later, Gigi found herself dialing Crystal’s number again. She stood outside the courthouse, her glasses misted from the early- evening rain shower as she waited for her car.
Relinquished. She didn’t know whether to laugh, or cry, or take her parents up on their offer to live in their Florida timeshare and disappear off the face of the planet, too.
"He’s not coming because he filed paperwork to relinquish parental rights two weeks ago. In the eyes of the law, it’s just the two of you.”, her lawyer had told her, after finding Gigi just outside the bathroom. Jackie Cox was always dressed in tweed, pastel, pantsuits, dark hair coiffed in buttery smooth curls at the top of her head, her lips pursed in a thin, straight line, as though she was perpetually exhausted.
Gigi supposed that, being one of the city’s longest-serving family court attorneys would do that to you.
“I don’t know how I missed it on the dockets, but I should have told you first.”, Jackie apologized; her hand warm and steady at the small of Gigi’s back as she walked her client back up the hallway.
Gigi grunted, shrugging her shoulders underneath her jacket. “It’s fin- It wouldn’t have changed anything, Jackie. Really, thanks for everything."
She let herself lean against Jackie, letting one of her oldest friends wrap her arms around her, breathing in the scent of Jackie’s honeysuckle perfume on the courthouse steps.
"I’m sorry this happened-”, Jackie started, and Gigi could feel her heart sink to her stomach.
She had never done well with pity, least of all when she truly deserved it.
“Don’t be. Please, just don’t.”
“What are you going to do now?”, Jackie asked, as Gigi stepped out of her embrace, surveying the street before them that was quickly filling with cars and bikes and buses as the work day finished and school let out for the day.
“Right now? Get in an Uber and hope they don’t charge me triple for being late at daycare again.”
Crystal picked up on the fourth ring, and Gigi could hear the sound of a sink running in the background. Water splashed against metal, and the distinct sound of another woman’s voice, screeching with laughter, buzzed through the speakers of Gigi’s phone.
“Whoo- chile, I’m telling you if you come any closer with that flour, I’m gonna-"
"Shit. Sorry.”, Crystal had muffled the phone against her chest, the static only cutting out when Gigi was sure she had ducked into another room.
“How quickly can you get that guest room set up? I’m pretty sure we can make it for tomorrow if I drive through the night.”
“Mom- Mom it’s twelve-thirty-five. It’s way, way, way past your bedtime!”, Destiny crowed from his carseat, kicking at Gigi’s back. His blonde curls were plastered to the side of his face, lips dusted with salt from the bag of chips that Gigi had let him pick out form himself at their last rest stop.
Their entire lives had fit neatly into the sickeningly suburban five-seater that his father had insisted on, the largest luggage case filled with her son’s clothes and bedsheets still having enough room to jostle under his bare feet.
She knew it was impulsive, and stupid, and half-expected the police to pull them over several states away, but as the highways emptied to nothing bur a ribbon of white lines that kept them on the right side of the road, Gigi became more and more convinced she was doing the right thing.
“My bedtime is five-thirty, kiddo. Yours is eight, so you get to stay up so much later.”, she joked easily, never having had Destiny for so many hours, all by herself in the years since he had started preschool.
“Wait, that doesn’t make sense! It’s eight at night and right now it’s morning! Nobody goes to sleep at five in the morning!”, he shrieked, and giggled at his own reflection in the rearview mirror.
“That’s when the garbage truck wakes up!”, he added. Gigi didn’t remember, if he had ever talked so much, his voice jarring and so different from the toddler babbles she had recorded, and kept on her phone to watch on her worst days.
Her textile studio had taken up her days, until her partners had grown tired of Gigi stumbling in at eleven in the morning, unable to force herself to care very much about their bottom line, and the grey, dull world outside until Destiny had come to kick her out of bed.
Afterwards, his father would take her nights, the pressure incessant that they be exactly what they looked like- a family that belonged in a catalog, with a perfectly dressed, perfectly quiet child, money to burn and success in spades; drinking from matching flutes of champagne while Destiny was left alone in his basement bedroom with a baby monitor and his collection of stuffed animals.
Gigi faltered in a sea of plastic smiles and shallow conversations, and at the end of the day, all of her friends who had warned her off marrying her senior-year rebound, giving her life over to the promise of a bright, empty future, had been right.
He wanted to live in a dream, where she was only ever a sidekick; their son nothing more to him than a prop to parade, an filled-in item on a checklist that he had given up without a second thought.
Gigi had named him Destiny, because she liked it first, but second, because it had sounded so good with his last name; that she had never even considered having to change it.
Destiny Goode was a name that sounded like a motivational quote from a caveman, and she briefly wondered, merging on to the next interstate her GPS system highlighted- if a six-year-old would remember his name if she changed it right now.
He could be a Garret, or a Jaden, just like every other boy at school.
A fresh slate with no more questions to be asked, and nothing left to tie her perfect boy to Gigi’s worst mistake.
“-So, she’ll be here at nine-thirty, and we’re all going to be nice as fuck and not make it weird, okay?"
Crystal smoothed down the pleats of her skirt with her palms, her legs crossed in front of her at the breakfast table, as her eyes flitted between Jaida and Jan, who both had forks in hand as they enjoyed the chilaquilles that Crystal had set out for their meal, knowing this was going to be a big conversation.
“Okay, go back to the part where she broke up with you and then ended up married to darksided Warner-"
"Guys!”, Crystal protested, glaring down at her friends.
Jaida and Jan had bought the barn on her family’s property not even weeks after Crystal had agreed to put it on the market, the decrepit, white-washed wood tower an eyesore along the country highway.
They were the closest thing she had to neighbors, in the wide acres of rolling plains that separated everyone by miles along the road, and it hadn’t taken long for the three of them to grow close.
Together, they had carved a guest house out of the front entryway, laying water pipes and television cable; and were working on renovations to turn the barn’s hall into an event space, with glass lanterns hanging high along the rafters that Crystal remembered walking across like a tightrope when she was a child.
Jan drilled in heavy wood planks to form a catwalk that overlooked the barn floor, which you could reach from the outside fire escape, and Crystal had been thrilled to finally put her years of following behind her father to use, toolbox in hand as she sanded down the reinforced beams holding up the roof.
If Gigi hadn’t called her, Crystal and Jan had a day ahead of them of hauling the shingles from a pallet left by the side of the road, in Crystal’s truck up to the barn, while Jaida had her camera, and a full calendar of Senior Portraits to finish before the end of the school year.
“I know it sounds like a lot, but please, please, don’t make it weird. Gigi always…- She always needed everything to go perfectly, and I hate to say it but… I might be her only real friend. Like, ever.”, Crystal told them, biting down on the inside of her cheek.
Gigi, who for the past few years, had been nothing but a collection of memories that would fire in her brain occasionally, like a slight twinge from an old injury, would be back in the flesh at her doorstep, at any minute. Crystal barely had the time to recruit Jaida’s help in clearing out her guest rooms for Gigi and her son, much less process how she truly felt about offering up her home as their refuge.
Gigi had never responded to the birthday cards she sent for Destiny after his third birthday; barely ever logging into her Facebook page that had been filled with photos of the two of them through college; and seemed to abruptly be cut off after she had gotten married. Occasionally, something would trickle through, a vacation photo of her little family, and anniversary note, a first day at school and a post that asked everyone to go and follow her business page.
For all of the refreshing Crystal did, Gigi’s studio seemed to never upload anything beyond its logo and business hours.
“Nah, listen, I get it, babe.”, said Jaida, a tortilla chip hanging from the corner of her mouth. “People grow and change and we gotta meet them where they’re at."
She nodded towards Jan, who was gulping down her orange juice, with a fond grin. "If you would have told my queen bitch ass when I was in high school, that I would end up married to Miss Team Too Much, I would have stole your man and told the whole school some dirty secret.”, Jaida laughed. “Everybody’s dealing with something, and I was so closeted and angry I was acting a fool for free."
"You were never closeted.”, Jan piped up, her voice rising an octave from normal, making Crystal widen her eyes as she looked to her side.
“Glass closet, honey. Besides, my point is, it’s water under a bridge, whatever we do when we’re young. I love you now.”, she said, pressing a kiss to Jan’s temple as she rose to go take their dishes to the sink. “You ended up turning out to be an amazing woman. I’m sure Gigi’s just the same."
The sun was high over the horizon line when Gigi’s car rumbled up the range road, rocks spraying into the grass as her wheels skipped over the pockmarked dirt.
She had taken Destiny to a hotel waterpark with a free breakfast, the absolute joy and shock on his face more than worth being several hours off of the arrival time she had texted Crystal. He was asleep now, only dressed in a pair of shorts and his sneakers, the buckles of his carseat starting to chafe red against his skin.
Gigi turned left at the barn, towards the yellow-shuttered house she remembered visiting over so many spring breaks and reading weeks, surprised to see two workers, stacking pallets of shingles by the barn door. One was a gorgeous, darker-skinned woman, the sun glittering from the highlights in her hair as she waved over to Gigi, making her grin despite herself.
Crystal’s tiny town had always been welcoming, the huge open expanses of space seeming to make everyone all the more willing to seek a connection- though Gigi would have never guessed that Crystal and her family would ever do anything with the barn, which looked just a little less decrepit than she remembered, so many years later.
She parked by the balcony, just in front of Crystal’s truck, and shook Destiny awake, helping him into the first shirt which she could reach from his bag.
"C'mon, Des. We’re here. Are you excited to say hi to Mom’s friend? She stayed up all night to make you new room!”, she asked, watching as he took in the word around them.
“You have friends?”, he blurted out, so plainly that Gigi couldn’t keep a smile off her face, even if he had probably heard that from a TV show she probably shouldn’t have been letting him see.
“That’s not very nice."
Still, she kissed the top of his head, and helped him out of the car, his tiny hand feeling heavy in hers as they made their way up the stairs to Crystal’s door.
The balcony creaked under their feet, as Gigi raised her hand to press against the doorbell, Destiny tugging against her shirt, pointing up at the colorful strips of cut paper that still adorned the windows, the sun cutting what must have been a stained-glass glow inside the house.
"Snowflakes, like at school!”, he called to her, pressing his face against the windowsill before Gigi pulled him back.
“No, it’s called papel picado.”, Gigi corrected, remembering how Crystal had spent hours at her paper press in the basement of the art rooms in college, a mess of stencils spread across the desk, a chisel and mallet in hand as she studied the pictures her grandmother would send her.
Crystal’s tongue would poke out of her mouth, her pupils blown wide in concentration, oblivious to the darkening sky above her until Gigi would find her, at half-past midnight, standing still wide awake in the middle of confetti slices of cut paper piling around her.
They would kiss, exhilarated and young and alone together, and Gigi would never think anything was wrong until-
“Gigi! Geegs! Look who’s late to their own party!”, Crystal squealed, the door swinging wide open to reveal her; red-brown hair still as wild as ever, piled into a messy ponytail atop her head, and a smile so wide Gigi could see nearly all her teeth. Crystal sparkled with the same craft glitter that had always hung from her fingertips, her cheeks flush as though she’d run from one end of the house to the other.
Her eyes looked bright again, the memory of which was so foreign to Gigi that she took a moment to take it all in, Crystal’s bright skirt and her tight, sleeveless top looking all the more like relics of the summers they had spent together.
“Ahoy.”, she greeted, raising a hand to her forehead in a mock salute.
Giggled, like she always had, and waved them inside with a flourish of her hand.
“Are you mad at me?”, Jaida asked, kicking open the toolbox that she and Jan shared.
They had watched Crystal let the storied Gigi into the house, and decided to occupy themselves with bolting down the side light fixtures in the barn, until whatever was probably going on between their neighbor and ex calmed down enough for Crystal to invite them in.
But, Jan’s temper had grown increasingly short through their day, her drill now clenched in a white-knuckled grip as Jaida held the ladder she was on steady below her, digging in the tool box for the next drill bit she would need.
“Why- the fuck- would I be mad at you?”, she said through gritted teeth, over the sound of the power tool in her hand.
“‘Cause you just said fuck, for one.”, Jaida muttered, her eyes rolling skyward. Her wife had always been a little dramatic, but there was nothing Jaida hated more than the silent treatment, far preferring a knock-down, drag-out, screaming fight to being frozen out for hours with little more than a sharp glance or a silent nodded sent her way.
Jan shrugged her shoulders, her favorite blue and red flannel shirt stretching deliciously tight across her back.
Was Jan teasing her? Was it all some kind of elaborate game that was intended to be finished in their bedroom?
“Well, whatever you’re doing, it’s killing the mood, babe.”, Jaida teased, hoping that Jan would get the hint.
Instead, she dropped the drill from her grip, clattering down the ladder as it bounced on the hard-packed ground. The battery pack popped from the tool’s back, not that Jan could be bothered as she stalked away, ignoring Jaida’s raised eyebrows.
“Hey- hey- you can’t just wreck stuff because you’re having a bad day!”, Jaida called after her wife, looking down at the mess of wires at her feet. “And I don’t know how to fix this shit so-"
She fell silent, as Jan’s steps echoed up the outdoor fire escape, her body disappearing until Jaida could only see the outline of her long, blonde hair, blowing in the wind from the balcony.
"Jan?”, she shouted, following her up the steps. “Hey, I know I fucked up, but you gotta tell me how otherwise I’m not gonna know how to fix it."
"Right.”, Jan scoffed as Jaida rounded the corner, the two of them facing towards Crystal’s house, where a second-floor light flickered on and off several times. “I forgot that everything’s so easy for you, I just have to spell it all out."
"Okay, what does that even mean?"
Jan glowered at her wife, crossing her arms across her chest.
"Why did you tell Crystal the reason you were a bully in high school was because you weren’t out?"
"That’s what this about? Baby-”, Jaida reached forward, her hand only barely touching Jan’s shoulder before her wife flinched away. “I was just trying to make her feel a little better about the whole thing, everything going on with Gigi. I don’t even remember if I was a bully in high school."
"Maybe I do.”, Jan snapped, her eyes flashing up in anger for a split second.
Jaida sighed, looking back over the horizon; where the sun was starting to dip at the back of scattered farmhouses and cottage homes littered accross the plains. “Look- I- I’m sorry and I shouldn’t have brought it up-”
“You’ve never apologized."
"You want me to say sorry?"
It had been years since Jan and Jaida had reconnected, long separated from the people that they had been as children.
Jaida had remembered Jan as an easy target from their first day in kindergarten, a tiny, loud girl who fell into a pattern that followed until Jan had left for college on a musical theatre scholarship, and Jaida had gone to play basketball for a small, comfortable liberal arts college in the heartland. When she had met Jan again; she was another person who shared the same name, at an alumni event where both of them had been invited to promote their respective colleges.
Where Jan had always worn her heart on her sleeve, the woman Jaida had married was confident, and passionate, witty and driven beyond belief.
She hadn’t had a second thought proposing to her, in the middle of the butterfly sanctuary at the zoo in the springtime, kissing her passionately without question at their Central Park wedding, their families both swaying together underneath the canopy of a white tent, to the music of the very first DJ they had found on Google.
"I just want you to- admit that it happened.”
“You’re acting like this was a big deal.”, Jaida groaned. “Baby, we were kids."
"It was a big deal. I thought about the stupid shit you and your friends said, for years after- and you don’t know what that was like."
Jaida sighed, laying her hands on the railing that rounded the balcony, squeezing the metal rung tightly against her palms, the fight seeping out of her as she studied her wife, who looked on the verge of tears.
“Jan- baby, hey, I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”
Silence fell between them, the sound of the crickets the only thing that cut in between their breaths. Jan buried her face in her hands, elbows resting against the railing beside her wife.
“I know. It’s just, that stuff adds up sometimes.”
She pressed herself into her wife’s shoulder, letting her head rest against Jaida’s arm.
“It adds up the other way around, too. Don’t think it doesn’t.”, Jan whispered, and Jaida finally let go of a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding in, her arm snaking around to rest around her wife’s waist. “It’s just a lot of work.”
“Then I’ll work on it, baby. Just tell me what you need.”
Gigi was surprised, at how instantly familiar Crystals kitchen was, breakfast leftovers heaped on top of Destiny’s plate while she quietly accepted a Diet Coke, sipping at the flat beverage as she finally began to relax. Gigi could tell her son was starting to feel sleepy, his eyes losing focus even as he kept lifting his fork to his mouth.
“Cielito.”, Crystal cooed, as she ruffled his curls, passing by the two of them as she moved to shutter the blinds in the kitchen. Destiny clearly thrived under the attention, and Gigi wondered if he had always craved touch, or if he was only a child who was excited by all of the new things around him. The heat was sticky, and Crystal’s brightly painted walls made the whole house look even more like an eternal birthday party, the fridge covered with photos and magnets.
Crystal had never learned to speak Spanish, at least as far as Gigi knew, having begged Crystal to help her pass her class for months when they had been roommates, but she supposed, she must have picked up more of it, with all the time she must have spent with her family afterwards.
“Where are you Mom and Dad?”, Gigi asked, swirling her straw in her Diet Coke. “I should say hi, right?"
Crystal shrugged. "We could Facetime? They were back in Mexico for a while after my Dad got sick, but right now they’re travelling Europe, living the old people dream. I’m sure my Mom still misses you."
Gigi took a deeper breath, her lips pursed as she watched Crystal dump dirty dishes in the sink.
"Is um- are you getting the barn demolished? I saw a couple people working on it outside."
"Oh, that’s just Jan and Jaida. They live there. I sold it a few months ago, and they’re trying to turn it into, like, a wedding hall. You’d love them- they’re the gayes-”, she paused, looking down at Destiny as he tipped his glass of orange juice into his mouth. “They’re super, super in love, and so gross."
Gigi could feel herself start to blush, even though she had started having that conversation with her son almost as soon as he had started to learn to talk.
"I usually have them over for dinner, so you can say hi."
Gigi coughed, swallowing the question that had been at the tip of her tongue since she had spoken to Crystal the day before.
"So? are you seeing anyone?”, she asked.
Crystal shook her head. “I’m not really looking.”, she said. “Still putting the cry in Crystal!”, she laughed. “And you were right, I wouldn’t want to put that on anyone else."
"I- ”, Gigi bit back her reply, not quite knowing if this was a talk she wanted to have, with her son arranging chips on his plate not two feet in front of her.
“Hey- buddy”, Crystal tapped on Destiny’s shoulder, nudging him with her hip. “Go wash your hands in the bathroom. It’s the one with the fish on the door and Star Wars on the curtain."
He looked back up at his mother, Gigi giving him a curt nod of approval as he skittered up the hallway.
"He’s a cute kid, you know? You’re doing a good job.”, she told Gigi, pushing the boy’s chair back in.
“Yeah… mostly not my job, but I’ll pass it on to our last nanny."
Gigi had stood with their plates, following Crystal to the sink where she happily plunged her arms into the hot, soapy bubbles, not caring very much for how her shirtsleeves got soaked in the water, navy fabric clinging to her wrists.
"Seriously. Gigi- look at me.”, Crystal reached around her, shutting off the faucet with a decisive clicking noise. “I don’t blame you for being twenty-one and not sticking around after I flipped out because I didn’t know how to deal with college, and real life and everything. It’s a day by day thing.”, she shrugged, reaching to open a cabinet and put the glasses in the drying rack away.
Crystal’s body was almost uncomfortably close, pressing into Gigi’s side like she remembered them being like, when they had shared their first apartment, having barely enough room for two people in between the fridge and the stove.
“Some days are better than others. But it’s-”, she paused, and smirked, her lips curling into the same wicked grin that Gigi could never shake from her memories, no matter how hard she tried. “No offense, but you’re not important enough for it to have been your fault."
"Oh, that’s how it’s gonna be, huh?”, Gigi couldn’t help but laugh, shaking her head. “Kick a girl when she’s down?"
"Or, some people just have shitty brain chemistry, and other people are assholes. Stop thinking it’s all on you all the time, you absolute flaming fuck-up.”, Crystal told her, her words softening behind her smile.
“Maybe don’t say flaming, but I did fu-"
Destiny padded back into the room, rubbing at his eyes. "Is it adult time yet?”, he asked, his tiny mouth yawning open. “Everyone’s saying all the bad words."
Crystal snickered, turning her undivided attention back to rinsing out the sink, her back turned to the both of them as if to say Gigi was on her own with that one.
"Good night, I guess.”, she muttered, shuffling across the tile towards him.
“See you tomorrow, Geegs. Just don’t forget, there’s always that.”
Gigi laid in bed with Destiny resting half on her chest, her son not wanting to leave her side, once the novelty of their adventure had worn off, and he had started to realize that there was a certain kind of permanence, to Crystal’s rainbow-colored walls, to the laughter from the kitchen that came from Jan and Jaida, who had eyed Gigi with enough suspicion to let it be known to her that she was absolutely not welcome in whatever little world they had built.
Okay, maybe the last bit was just in her head, and she could just introduce herself properly at breakfast the next morning- but she had still jumped at the chance to lock herself in Destiny’s appointed bedroom, pretending that he would need her to fall asleep, even though he had only wanted to cuddle before passing out completely the second that she dimmed the lights.
She scrolled through her phone, mindlessly as her son shifted in her arms, the message bubble beside his father’s name still lit up red with unread texts, that she skipped through to flick past her Instagram feed, landing on Crystal’s profile at the very bottom of her following list. The very first account which she had followed, years ago, and the very last that she kept up with, the creeping intimacy of being under Crystal’s roof, trying to piece together the life she had dropped out of, thicker than the heat of the air around her.
Crystal’s photos were all filtered through something that made them look brighter, more vibrant than the rainy afternoons and damp wetlands that they featured in the background, the captions all long, effusive essays about the importance of showing up to vote, or the beauty of the creek behind her house in the summertime. The most recent photo, featured her lying in a bed of sunflowers, grinning up at the sky, eyes half-shut against the sunlight.
Don’t look right into a solar eclipse!, the caption started, followed by at least a dozen laughing emoji faces, alternating with bright pink flowers. Sometimes life just punches you in the face, dummy! And you just gotta deal with it anyway. Don’t waste a second!
Gigi chuckled, locking the phone and laying it back on the bedside table, trying to move as little as possible as she turned off what was left of the light in the bedroom, and drew herself closer to her son in her arms.
His breathing was steady, his hands reaching for her hair in his sleep.
“Okay, kiddo. I got you.”, she said to nobody in particular, sinking lower in the sheets so she could tuck them tighter around him.
There’s always tomorrow, she could hear Crystal telling her, her voice clear as the dream Gigi was starting to slip into.
The next morning, she would start putting everything back together again.
16 notes · View notes
hi, i’m: Autumn.
how do you pronounce your name? Awe-tum.
what is your age backwards? 23. Aw, I wish lol.
how do you feel today? Tired but good.
who is your best friend? Krystle, Kelsi, Justin, Needles, Renee.
what friend makes the most perverted jokes? Uhm, all of us.
who do you talk to the most in person? Needles.
back to school:
what grade are you going into? I'm in college.
which period are you doing the best at? Composition.
which period are you doing the worst at? Sociology.
which teacher do you fear the most? None.
are you changing to a new school this year? No.
is someone else changing schools? Idk.
who was your second grade crush? Danny. I only remember that because I made him a special Valentine and everyone made fun of me lol
name two friends from other grades? The only other people I know that are in school are Bailey and Heath.
name two friends from other schools? Well, they're at other schools also.
what did you want your job to be? A writer.
who is your favorite teacher out of all of them? Mrs. Leslie.
what was one reason you cried? Getting bullied.
what shows did you never want to miss? Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
shoe brand: Don't care.
website: Facebook, probably.
theme park: Disney World.
song: Let's Stay Together by Al Green
what grade do you miss the most?: None.
who’s the first friend that comes to your mind that you miss? Renee
what else do you miss?: Renee's husband and kids.
ever signed up for those online dating sites?: Yes.
ever lied about your age?: When I was a kid.
to impress someone?: Probably lol
to freeload?: No?
ever used someone?: Yes
this or that:
crunchie or kitkat: Neither.
tumblr or facebook: Facebook.
flowers or chocolate?: Flowers.
watch the news or historical teachings?: Historical.
hold hands or kiss?: Both.
white chocolate or dark?: Dark.
what color are your shoes?: Most of them are black, the ones I'm wearing now are brown.
what was the last theme park you’ve been to? Six Flags.
name one thing you remember from history class: How the Italian language came to be.
what mood are you in right now?: Tired, but good.
who was the last person you messaged?: Krystle and Kelsi.
who was the last person added on your Facebook: Josh's alt account.
who was the last person you deleted on your Facebook: Hmm, I don't remember.
who did you last hang out with?: Krystle, Justin, Kelsi.
okay, so were getting personal here,
This March will be coming up to my Dad's 3 year deathaversary. It wasnt expected, he was only 38. He drowned, and his death is acually still under investigation. That's probably the first close death i had. Anyway, it caused a lot of problems in my family. Including my mum moving her and my sister an hour and a half away from me. That and i dont hear from dads side of the family anymore. so thats super shit. When this happened i Also lost my best friend at the time Georgia. She went off at my boyfriend Kenedy because he didnt want to come to the funeral and caused some issues. anyways I forgot to mention when he died i was in rockhampton. which was even more shit. but anyway, when i came back. I didnt hear from my best friend at all, i went to the funeral. still hadnt heard from her. She full went off at my partner cause he didnt wanna come to the funeral but yeah a week had past since coming back and she knew i was back. Sent her a message and said hey whats going on, you went off at him made a big deal but i havent heard from you. and pretty much she responded with telling me that i was a shit friend and It was mean to message her like that and then she blocked me on everything. So yeah I lost my father and my best friend in the same week. I still dont know wtf happened which just comes up in my brain a lot.
And then theres my ex, Kenedy. I think i said already that we were together for nearly 6 years. We broke up over a stupid photo at the end of July so its been 4 months. For starters we were engaged and we were about to start trying for a kid. But it was such a toxic and unhealthy relationship dude. Like fuck.. We used to get into fights and ill just be straight up, it got physical. Id end up covered in bruised and cuts and it was pretty bad tbh. Holes in walls. Broken bits. I never ended up in hospital because of it but like it was still pretty bad. This probably only happened the last two years of the relationship. I grew up watching my mum be abused, i know that it isn't the norm and what ever but i guess i was kind of use to it in a way? so i think thats why i put up with it? idk. That or my mental issues lol. But yeah so, I'm still kind of getting past that bit, I have photos that come up in my memories which trigger me and sometimes I get panic attacks randomly. Its shit. It wasn's always physical.
Then we come to my ex best friend, Rhianne. I literally grew up with her, but we never used to be friends, we just went all through school together. She also used to be my bully in kinder and prep LOL.
Anyway, we started being friends when i first moved into this place so maybe a year and a half? shes toxic to haha. We had a good friendship at the start but the more i hung out with her the more i began to feel like shit about myself. I don't have friends. She was pretty much all i had. So i kind of let a lot of stuff slide and i never really stood up for myself. and i mean a lot of things i let slide. She got really obsessive towards me. I honestly think she is infatuated with me. She would rock up here pretty much daily and use me for my stuff and makeup and clothes and then wed go for drives and stuff. idk we used to do everything together. Not because i wanted to either. Pretty much what she said was the go. She would talk down to me as if i was a child. Im the kind of person as well that i like my alone time, i dont like going out all the time i like to sit in and enjoy my own company, I dont like hanging out EVERYDAY with someone. She use to talk shit about me behind my back as well. just cause so much drama and eh. But she was so fkn obsessive. Then when kenedy and i broke up, her friend was having there birthday at the clubhouse, so thats house i was introduced to the club. She took me a long and told me to take someone home to help myself feel better about the breakup. SO anyway, Shaun was there and we were getting to know each other.
She caused a big scene and didnt want me to take him home. I think it was jealousy. Got to the point were she had me in tears.
I then for some weird reason logged into my exes account, I found messages telling people how much he hates me and wants me to kill myself and wants to fuck Rhianne. Then i showed her all of this. She was grossed out and deleted him. We then had a small fight because i stood up for myself one night. Why we wernt talking she went out clubbing and Kenedy was out. So she party'd with my ex as well as invited him and had him come back to her dads place. Nothing happened to my knowledge but I mean, Im sure they fucked.
Anyway, (I have depression and anxiety. When kenedy and i broke up, i didnt handle it well, I started self harming and it was getting pretty bad) I took shaun home from the clubhouse that night and pretty much his been here ever since, so 3 months we've been together now. I’m not sure if I love him or not. I don’t know because my brain is scattered at the moment. Because of everything hoing on. His a lovely guy, but his not for me. But the way my brain works and how im coping with all these things, i just can't be alone dude. I literally get so depressed and its scary because i don't want to give myself the chance because when im alone like i am tonight. All of this just goes through my brain and i get so fucked up, i don't even know if you wanna hear about self harm and abuse. but it happens. TBH im probably going to end up hurting myself tonight. I wasnt joking to you when i said i wanted to drive my car into a truck. i literally feel like that.
So what actually made Rhianne and i stop being friends. Her, Shaun and myself were drinking at her friends. Shaun has epilepsy and actually had a seizure in front of me the previous day, Rhianne got into him and told him it was his fault and that i should never have had to of seen that. I didnt go off at her, HER friend kicked her out and told her sleep in her car. Since then she has tried to constantly break us up.
On top of that, im in a lot of debt. and it got to the point were i actually made a Onlyfans account and it actually helped. I feel gross about it but it was private no one i knew in real life had access. OR SO I THOUGHT. i used tumblr to get my subscribers, didnt realise my ex Kenedy had access. He sent screenshots to Rhianne and she sent them to pretty much everyone i know. Ive lost a few friends becuase of it. and well yeah it was degrading. She then apologised and i forgave her for like a whole 6 hours. Until i really thought about it. Just cause we were in a small argument i wouldnt do that to her you know or anyone. so i told her that. and shes been super nasty since.
She is also still talking with my ex.
So yeah, I also might have breast cancer 😣
These are most the reasons I want to die.
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In this world there is always two type of guys. An Alpha and a Beta. My name is Jimmy and I’m a beta. This is what I look like:
I have this friend, well sort of, we are roommates. His name is Alaric, Our lives are both miserable, but while I have normal people problems like having trouble loosing weight, having low self esteem, can’t get a girlfriend, have a low paying job which led to difficulties paying the bills, and I have no social life (because I spend to much time playing video games). My roommates have Alpha problems, like how to snatched away the company that his big brother has inherit from their father, how to destroy his competitions in his work field, and how to create his own personal brand in his social media account and gain more followers, which in all honesty he already have plenty of. Oooohhhh and he looks like this:
The only reasons that I said that we are sort of friends its because, it’s true that Alaric and I are roommate, and sometime we talked to each other, during dinner while watching televisions, (right before I go back to my video games). It’s because we couldn’t be anymore different from each other. I’m a nerd and he’s a jock. I came from a lower middle class family, and he’s an old money rich. I have confidence issue and he has to much confidence. I am a follower and he is a natural born leader. I am a good person and Alaric is well Evil. He doesn’t bully me or anything but the thing that he told me especially about the stuff that he do to the people that he hates is extremely shocking and twisted. This guy has everything that he needs and yet his heart is full of nothing but hatred and envy! His minds are full of plots and evil schemes. So one time I took it upon myself, (because I’m a good person), to decide to become an Alpha for once and teach Alaric a lesson! A moral lesson! I snooped around his bedroom, when he’s not at home and I open his laptop. In there I found a file that are filled with his evil plans to take down his big brother and snatched away their father’s company from him. Since I’m a good person, and I’m learning to become more of an Alpha for once, I took the initiative to delete this file. I hope that this action will give him a signal to stop what he’s doing. After I delete this file that are full of his evil plots and schemes towards his perfect older big brother, I also found his other files that are filled with his collections of videos, but not just any videos. His porn videos collection, his forced role play porn videos collections. Not a BDSM videos, but a role play of a beautiful women getting forced to have a sexual intercourse by a guy that almost looks like him, big, strong, tall and has the power to dominate any women that he likes. I feel so disgusted by it, that I decided to deleted this file to, straight away. After he came back, I heard a loud manly scream from his room and when I checked it out, it was Alaric trying to find a file about his plan to destroy his big brother. He asked me where his file has gone, but I replied that I don’t know. He then checked the webcam that he has install in his room (which I am not aware off btw) and saw me deleting everything. He confronted me about this behavior and ask me why would I do such a thing. He thought we were friends. I have no choice but to come clean to him and explained that the reason for me to do this, it’s because I want to teach him a lesson. A moral lesson, about not hurting other people and accept our fate no matter what, without hurting anybody else. He then give me the most evilest glare that I ever seen him in.
And he said, “I trusted you and you have betrayed me! I never hurt you before because I thought we were both at the same side, but apparently, you think that you are better than me, well at least morally anyway. In fact you think you’re better than me so much that you decided to jeopardize my plan for my future and the future of my father’s company and for what? To teach me some big moral lesson? You know what, I will consider you my enemy now, and I will show you what I will do to my enemy especially the one that I think is my equal!” He then packs his bags and left the apartment right away. I was relieved, I thought for a moment there that he’s going to beat me to a pulp and put me in a hospital, but thank God that he doesn’t. Perhaps he was just bluffing, but what does it mean when he said that he consider me as his enemy, that are also his equal. I don’t understand. A couple of months later I have to move out from the apartment that I’m in because someone just bought the ownership of this building and now they want to bulldoze it and turn it into a Mall. Sucks to be me. I have no choice than to go back to my mother’s house and move in back with her. My mother is a very beautiful woman and very faithful to my father, after my father has died. She has never married again. Prim and proper and very religious, she’s always been a very caring woman. This time however I noticed that she has changed:
She dressed in a very sexy way, and there is a certain allure that she has now, that is sort of making me feel uncomfortable, especially as a son. I asked her “Mom, what has changed” and she said “What do you mean?” I asked her again “Why do you dress very sexy now?” And she said “Oooohhh I’m just very anxious for you to meet my new lover that’s all...” I was shocked when I heard her say the ‘L’ word. I thought she’s going to be loyal to my Dad until she passed away. I asked her immediately who is her new Lover, and how many lovers has she had in the past, and she said “Oooohhh calm down honey, this is the first lover that I ever had after your Dad has passed away, he’s very sweet, he’s always helping me around the house when I’m alone! In fact he’s here right now. Would you like to meet him?” I said “Yes”, and a couple of minutes later I heard a familiar voice saying “Hello Son!” And guess who showed up.
It was Alaric. I freaked out and I get angry. I wanted to attack him but he’s stronger than me. My Mom started to try and stop me and asked me what has gotten into me, and I told her everything, about the apartment, the files, the threats everything! My Mom asked him if this is true of which he deny everything. He said that he had never met me once in his life. At that moment, I just realized something, I have no proof to back my claimed up. I don’t even have any social media, to stalked him to. I only know that he has a lot of followers because he has showed me his social media account once. My Mom said maybe the reason why I’m so angry it’s because I haven’t gotten to know him very well, so she decided to give us some quality alone time together. When my Mom leave the room, Alaric started to smirk at me, and said “So what do you think? I told you that I will start treating you like the enemy that I consider equal!” I replied “Alaric please this has come to far, you have to leave my Mother alone! She’s innocent! This is between you and me!” He said “I don’t give a shit! I will destroy everything that you love and you hold dear, just like you did to me, and I will teach you about some big moral lesson about life, and you will start thanking me for it! You even have to start calling me Daddy!” I asked him again “Wait what do you mean? What do you mean that I have to start calling you Daddy?” He said “Your mom and I has gotten engaged!” I replied “Wait What? What do you mean? How? When?” He then smirked again and said “a couple of days ago, it took me a while to seduce her, but she finally gives in. It’s seems that after your Father has died and you have moved out from her house, she has become very lonely. I just have to fucked her once and showed her what she has been missing with, and she couldn’t say no to me ever since!” I asked him “Wait What? You did what?” In which he replied “Yeah you heard me. I fucked your mom! It was the Greatest Fuck that she ever had, she even said that I’m a better fuck than her late husband! Your Father! We Fucked, and we fucked, and we fucked. Sometime we fucked without condom, and I cream pied her a couple of times and we recorded it! We also did that role playing thing that you hate so much from my Laptop. Where she pretend to be this weak innocent woman and I came in to her house and have my way with her and there is nothing she can do to stop me! Yeah we did that!” At this point I don’t know what to say anymore. He then continued by saying “If you ever try to do something funny again to me, and jeopardize my plan for my future, I will post your mom videos to the internet and the world will know what a whore your mother really is!!! Peace out Brotha!!!
I was very angry at him, I tried to taught him a lesson, a good moral lesson in the past and this is how he repaid me. The next couple of days things has gotten really worse. Every night, I couldn’t stop hearing my mother’s voices moaning and groaning in her room while screaming Alaric name over and over again “Oh Alaric, That’s it! YOU are so good! Don’t Stop, Don’t Stop!” She even can’t stop stroking his ego “Oooohhh Alaric you are such a Man! A Big Man!!! A Strong Man! You are much stronger than my first husband!”. I can’t believe she said that! These voices can last for hours and hours. I sometime wonder when will they finally get some sleep! Alaric then take his revenge a step further by starting to wear my father’s clothes and smoke his cigars!
My Mothers even allowed it. Everyday she can’t stop talking about how Alaric is going to be my Stepfather someday! A good Stepfather, even though, she knows that he’s about the same age as I am. I always get angry at her and I tried to talked him out of this, but he refused to listened. He just smirked and continue to do his thing. One time I get a text message from my mom’s phone saying that she needed me in the beach near the house and when I get over there well, guess what I found.
Alaric having his dick sucked at the beach by my mom, in public. No one was there but I guess he just wanted me to see how much control that he has over me and my mom! He texted me using my mom’s phone while he’s getting a blowjob from my mom at public places. Just so that I can see this thing. I can’t stand this anymore, I almost went crazy. I begged Alaric to stop punishing me because of what I did in the past, of which he replied to me“I only wanted to teach you a lesson!” And when I asked him what the lesson that he wanted to teach me, he simply replied with “Never try to teach an Alpha anything, especially about Life, cus he might schooled you on what real life really is!” And just like that I realized that I should never overstep my boundaries by teaching an Alpha anything.
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If you are on twitter, please retweet this:
I'm new on tumblr, and I really don't know how to use it.
I know you are the best supporters of the music industry and I'm here to ask your help.
I'm fighting with a crippling depression, that due this covid situation just got worse.
I'm at my lowest, I truly don't know if I will make it through this time.
I always dreamed to talk to Taylor, since I was a teenager. She is the only one that make me feel like I do fit in this world.
I've created this account because I know she is very active here, and I'm trying to reach her with this part of my story.
You can read everything below.
I didn't write any personal information because I don't want this to be seen by my family or somebody that can recognise me.
I don't want upset anyone.
I know that everyone hope to meet or chat with her, and so you are probably wondering why you have to share this here.
You're totally right, maybe it's a stupid idea to ask you this, but I haven't anything left in my pocket to fight this situation, and you're my only hope right now.
I keep writing and deleting this, over and over again.
I feel so dumb to write my personal story here, but this truly is my last chance to feel better and try to overcome this giant monster called depression.
I genuinly don't know if I can make it through this year. It's the worst period of my entire life and i don't even know if it's worth living this hell anymore.
I know you have millions of supporters (that probably write you every single day, and they are all better fans than I am, that's for sure) but I know that you proved, time after time, to be so down to earth and to use your time to read your fans messages.. so, in this moment, I'm just trying to share a part of my story with you.
You are the one that make feel understood, since I was like 13teen.
I'm so sorry if my English isn't very good but I'll do my best.
I'm not very active on social media , because I'm very shy when I have to talk about myself.. but If this could work, I must do it.
I will try to send a letter, If I can find the strength to mark this feeling on paper.
**IF I'M WRITING TO SOMEBODY FROM HER STAFF, PLEASE JUST LET THIS MESSAGE REACH TAYLOR**
I'll try now to resume, because I don't want to bother you too much.
This has been a crazy year so far, and the all the time I spent by myself during the lockdown didn't help at all.
This situation brought me back to childhood.
I spent a lot of my days back and forth in hospitals, due to my allergies.
I had to wear a mask all the time I wanted to go outside to avoid severe allergic reaction (that's why this Covid thing awakened some hurting memories)
I didn't have real friends back then, 'cause I've spent most of the summers at home, watching other kids playing around, from my window, or from the windows of my classroom.
It was so hard to make new friends, because the only thing that other kids saw was my mask.
I was the masked kid.
I was the strange kid.
I couldn't play with them.
Everytime I tried to play with them, the only thing I heard was "oh you are ill , I don't wanna be like you so stay away".
This situation made me start to write things in my personal diary.
I wrote small sentences, as a kid, and that was the only thing I could do alone inside an empty classroom during all summer.
This situation continued for many years.
I wasn't the cool kid before, I wasn't the cool guy after.
The only things that let me enjoy those days were writing and listening to your songs.
I started to listen to your music thanks to my English teacher. She was a fan of folk and country music and she gave me a pic in which you were singing near a lake (I still have that photo somewhere, I strongly remember the white banner with your name written in red on it) and told me to listen to the cd she gave me that day.
I immediately fell in love (I think I still have a crush on you, I'm sorry).
I loved your album. I loved your voice. I loved the lyrics.
I remember having a "test" in school: each one of the class had to write their favourite lyrics and let the others guess the song.
If the someone guessed It, We could play the cd.
I chose Love Story and I translated it in Italian.
The class guessed the song, and I played it.
After the lunch break I went back to my desk and I saw some bullies that were breaking my cd-album and they started to laugh at me because I loved your music an I loved writing poems.
I was a boy so I was a loser because I enjoyed those things.
That felt terrible, but I continued to love your songs even more .
Those were my inspiration to write and to study english.
I felt so good when I listened to your album and this still happens.
Then I went to a private high-school.
Nothing changed, I still was the nerd guy that always got good grades and I have to say that the first year was quite good, but the second year was the start of the apocalypse.
I choose that school because two girls that I knew from childhood went there.
One of the cool new guys started to spread a fake "news" about me.
He said to everyone that I was the boyfriend of one of the two girls that I mentioned before.
So he was the cool guy and one of the girls believed him and told me to f*** myself.
The other girl was her best friend, so you could imagine by what happened next.
After 14 year spent together, I was nobody.
I didn't have "friends" in that class anymore.
I didn't say hello to anybody for 4 years, and nobody would say anything to me.
Nobody to talked with me.
That's great when you're a teenager.
I hated to wake up every morning.
I had an eating disorder, I lost like 22pounds in less than a month. Got hospitalized twice. I kept vomiting for 3 years, every single morning before school.
During that time I only talked with one of my cousins, who lived like 2 hours by car from me.
He was older than me but he always tried to help.
He knew that I loved to write poems so he started to give me guitar lessons.
I made it through a lot of things thanks to him.
I'm sorry, It's hard for me to write this part of the story.
I still get emotional when I think about this.
On the 10TH of December 2013 (some days after his birthday) we received a phone call from his mother: She warned us that he didn't return home after the last working shift.
I wrote a message to him like 3 hours prior to that phone call.
Never had the opportunity to get a reply again.
This year is the seventh year that he is missing.
That destroyed me.
I felt empty.
I felt like nothing couldn't help me.
I still feel that everytime I care about someone in my life, it will disappear someday.
This have happened several other times.
You know when ignorants say that men don't cry, is real bullshit. Men cry. I cried a lot.
I wrote so many poems , lyrics, thoughts in that period of time, that I destroyed my hands.
That was the only way to close my eyes and let me reach another reality because the real one was way too much for me.
Be a sensible man in this world is somehow a curse.
All these things made me afraid even to hug someone 'cause I feel I'm too ugly or just to scared to be refused.
I will stop here my story, but there's so much more to tell.
I make it through all of these things and memories because I keep dreaming that one day I could meet you and we could talk together.
Dreaming about the fact I could spend a day with you made me find the power to battle my depression.
I'm 25 now and this year I'm not dreaming anymore.
I was going to start again university, I wanted to get a degree in marketing and have the chance to live in the us.
For years I believed that I would make it and hopefully be part of your marketing team.
I'm so stupid. All these years I kept dreaming to avoid pain.
I wanted to pursue my passion and continue to write lyrics but all I was doing was putting myself in unrealistic realities.
This covid situation made everything clear.
When everyone had someone to facetime (or video call) I was alone.
When everyone had someone asking them "how are you?" I only had myself looking in the mirror saying: "Will I ever feel better?"
I've never been the one for anybody, and I think I'll never be.
I won't be the one among all your fans to realize his dream.
Nobody likes me, and I'm exposing myself once again just because I want the opportunity to smile at something that could happen to me.
I'm tired to smile only for others best moments.
I've always seen the sun through a window.
I want to feel happy.
I want to burn my face with the sun.
I'm so sick of hiding my pain,
sick to cry when I'm alone in my car before going to work,
sick to let my eyes rain on my pillow every night.
I'm sick to say to my mother that I'm fine, just because I don't want to make her feel bad.
It's not her fault.
She is battling with a degenerative autoimmune disease, why I should put other weight on her shoulders?
I didn't give up to my weakness before because I don't want to hurt her.
I always say to her that soon she will feel better, that's why your song It's stuck in my head.
But when she won't be here anymore, how I can go through all of that?
I don't even know if will ever get better for me.
Will this pain ever stop?
Sometimes it's so hard to live and so easy to die.
Hope that my dream to spend some time with you can become true.
Thank you for everything, you gave me the strength to go on for many years.. But this time is so hard to put on my armor and continue this battle.
But is this even worth if thy I try to surround myself with people and I always feel lonely?
@taylorswift @taylornation @jackleopards-thedolphinclub
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HI TK IM SORRY I DONT USE TUMBLR MOBILE AS OFTEN YET IN FACT I DELETED THE APP HELP but wait i just realized how much easier it'd get for you if i send one full ask rather than like 12 different ones ahaha lesser for you to copy paste (speaking of which how much time does that take lol) but now that you say it i need to start using my mobile more because i fractured my index finger just this morning. AGAIN. MY BAD BALANCE NEVER LEFT ME. so twiddling my thumbs on my phone is way easier heh
HEHE HELLO!!!! i’m not sure if maybe there was something sent before or possibly after the last 2-3 messages???? but mayhaps im crazy and just imagining that it looks like you were saying something else in between but yeah HELLO HAPPY WEEKEND :)
0.5/2 IS THE REAL DEAL!! ITS NOT A 0!! IM PROUD OF YOU TK! yeah omg growing up in the early 2000s when skype was in its prime eeee so new and the epitome of cool somehow heh OMG TEN NOT KNOWING ANYTHING AND SITTING WITH A HUGE QUESTION MARK ON HIS FACE "yea dont mind me just sitting in a limo not knowing head or toe of mafia 😙✌" SO MANY THINGS ON THAT TRIP GAVE ME MAJOR SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT GO HOME BOYS also taeyong mentally warming himself up before going water skiing was A WHOLE MOOD
BROO THE ONLY THING I SEE EVERYWHERE IS AESPA FR HOWW i think their teasers or smth also came out? and some member danced with taemin and kai? gotta check that out but how sooman was like "4 virtual members and yeah 4 real ig" WAS SO MESSED UP GET HELP PLS nooo but broo playing league of legends is so much better than this fr TK YOU STAY WINNING!! i love how you game with no care <333 lmao looking at this stuff it looks like covid never affected sk AT ALL they said im here to make money and GO
ok will you hate me if i say i wasn't always the biggest fan of eggs like idk something about them felt so...raw? but i was into sports and my mom was like PROTEIN KID PROTEIN and so i just grew to like them LOL BUT BOILED EGGS BROOOO YESSS and i really channel my inner Nigella Lawson when i'm making brownies; except for being cryptic with food i'm merely here because no one else makes it for me hahahahaha AND I DONT KNOW WHAT MIX YOURE TALKING ABOUT BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE HEAVEN
EEEE BROO THE COSTUME RACING ONE WAS SO FUNNY THEY WERE ALL STRUGGLING TO PUT ON THEIR LOBSTER, UNICORN AND SOME BIRD OUTFITS FORGET EVEN STARTING TO RUN JWJHSAHJ but honestly at this point there are just...TOO MANY VIDEOS OF NCT BEING ATHLETICALLY GIFTED LIKE WE GET IT SIT DOWN NOW and aaah the princess episode was really something first i thought that image of sicheng as cinderella was some fan edit i saw the behind the scenes too and yukhei DETHRONED ELSA WITH THOSE NOTES YUKHEI MAIN VOCAL
KAIBAEK FUNNIEST BOYS I SAY AND BROO IF I FIX STRAWBERRY FLAVOR ILL BE SURE TO TAKE YOU ALONG WITH ME ON MY HEIST WE'LL TAILOR IT TO MATCH BOTH OUR TASTES (unlike *ahem* mayonnaise *ahem ahem*) AND THEN WE'LL BE FAMOUS TOGETHER hahahaha FR BRO THE GRISHAVERSE IS LIKE I DUNNO ACTUALLY I JUST WANT TO ASK BARDUGO HOW HER BRAIN THOUGHT OF IT just like i want to ask who put a baby in the sun in teletubbies my entire childhood was made with thatttt aaAAH
YES WYLANS POV IS SO ENDEARING THE ENTIRE TIME ESP THAT LINE OF HIM THINKING "whatamidoingherewhatamidoingherewhatamidoinghere" LIKE DUDE DO U KNOW YOU ARE REPRESENTING AN ENTIRE COMMUNITY WITH THAT STATEMENT BC SAME ad yee uno reversing with the hearts broo heheh THANK YOU FOR SCREAMING WITH ME AND AT ME VERY VERY GRATEFUL TO KNOW U and omg i just checked out miss outrowings (in the most non-creepy way i'm sorry if it came across differently HELP) and y'all have each others accounts linked djsh
my brother is 5 years older than me i always felt so cool playing with him SPORTS RESORT WAS THE REAL DEAL and i remember playing a LOT OF MARIO LEGEND OF ZELDA +MARIO ON MY DS everyone's getting switches now but i'm still not over my ds i don't know where it went aah SURE ONCE I CONVINCE MY FRIENDS TO WATCH YET ANOTHER CLICHE WITH ME ILL LYK LMAO and yaaayy y'all get breaks we get ours for like a week or so otherwise we out here just making use of our long weekends and cramming
HAHAHA THANK YOU!! UPDATE: ONE ADORABLE LITTLE CORGI SPOTTED SINCE YESTERDAY WHEN I WAS AT THE PARK THIS MORNING aka the only good thing that happened unlike falling straight on my fingers djwbjkdwka LMAO TK REALLY SAID GIVE ME ALL THE BOTS YOU GOT ILL TALK TO THEM ALL I HOPE YOU HAVE THE BEST WEEKEND TOOOO
BROO I JUST DOWNLOADED TUMBLR AGAIN AND IT SHOWS NO UPDATES SO GUESS WHO'S STUCK WITH A 500 CHARACTER LIMIT ALL OVER AGAINSGBDJWBJK SORRYYY mayhaps my friends have gotten inside my brain when they say apple supremacy and bully my android because i'm one delulu kid who'll buy anything LMAO even if you come for my trusted android I WILL HUNT FOR THE UPDATE STILL OKAY? <333
OHHHH WAIT FOR SOME REASON I THOUGHT YOU WERE SENDING MESSAGES ON MOBILE LOL so i thought it would be easier for you! copy pasting takes zero time dw :) but omg RIP WHAT DID YOU FALL FROM GFJKDFHASKF I HOPE YOUR FINGER HEALS QUICKLY THO !!
JHSGKSDJH AWW THANK YOU BRO YOU REALLY OUT HERE LOOKING AT THE GLASS A QUARTER FULL INSTEAD OF 3 QUARTERS EMPTY QWQ <33 HAHAHAH YEAH skype was where it was at back then LOL BUT YEAH TEN SAID I’M SHERIFF BUT FUCK OTHER TOWNIES LIVES IMA LET THE MAFIA PRETEND THEY’RE GOOD LMFAOO KJDSHFD YESSS TAEYONG HYPING HIMSELF UP TO SKI WAS SO CUTE HAHAHAH HE REALLY TRIED HIS BEST IT WAS SO ENDEARING QWQ
FHDFKJDHF JUST ME OUT HERE BEING BLIND TO AESPA LMAO but yee i got a notif this morning that some vid was posted for them on youtube jfakjfhd so i will scope soon owo but damn wild!! ohhhh i thought it was that virtual members were like the virtual versions of themselves :o either way kinda spoop but i’m kinda curious to see how this pans out in the future! and FJHDAKJFS me really turning a blind eye to shit going on because i’m fuckin gaming u_u accurate ksks but FORREAL HAHAH SK SAID PANDEMIC CAN’T STOP US FROM MAKING SOME DOUGH!!!
KJDHJAFD nah i feel it, i think at some point i couldn’t eat eggs with runny yolk because it felt raw to me too!!! and omg what sports do you play? maybe you’ve already told me i’m sorry i have that dory brain ya know QWQ BUT YEAHHHH TBH I CAN LIKE EAT BOILED EGG ON TOAST FOR EVERY MEAL FOR LIKE. HALF A WEEK SKSKSK!!! omg not @ how uncultured i am to not know who nigella lawson is QQQQ they only food people i know are from watching chopped + great british bake off + masterchef kksks!! BUT AW no one else in your family like bakiing goods? qwq! AND YESS THE BROWNIE MIX WAS GOD TIER HAHA
HAHAHAH OMG A LOBSTER COSTUME??? MEEE!!!!! I’D TOTALLY WEAR THAT HAHAHA BUT FR BRO ALL THEIR VIDS AREN’T ENTERTAINMENT AT THIS POINT IT’S JUST FLEXING KSKSKSKS!! LMFAO bruh i don’t blame you for thinking sicheng as cinderella was a fan edit HAHAHA YO BUT THEY ALL ROCKED IT THOUGH WTF!!!! DAMN !! AND YES YUKHEI OUT HERE WORKING OUT SO NOT ONLY IS HE BUFF AF AS ELSA BUT HIS LUNGS STRONG AS HELL TOO HAHAHA
HAHAHA YES OMG bruh kaibaek is op as a pairing for me too because i have a fat crush on kai and baekyun is prob my fav voice in exo OWO!!! HAHAAH WHAT IF OUR PREFERENCES FOR STRAWBERRY ARE TOTALLY CONTRADICTORY THOUGH KSKSK!!!! OKAY BUT IF YOU LIKE EGGS NOW LIKE. MAYBE IT JUST TAKES A CERTAIN TYPE OF MAYO TO CONVERT YOU??????????????????????????????? like...... something homemade and with cool ingredients.... mayhaps...... BUT YEAH WE’D MAKE ALL THE BANK WITH THE FLAVOR FIX KSKSK!! BUT HAHAHHA OMG THE BABY IN THE SUN IN TELETUBBIES I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT WAS A THING HAHAH!!! omg thinking of kids shows makes me so nostaligc, my mom used to say my bro was arthur and i was dw to him, like the annoying lil sis HAHAHAH and omg did you watch fetch with ruff ruffman??????? i’ve always wanted to be on that show OWO
HAHAHAH YESS EXACTLY, WYLAN’S POV >>>>>> KSKKS!!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!! AN ABSOLUTE SWEETUM!!!! KKSKSKSK AW IM SUPER GRATEFUL TO KNOW U TOO OMG O////O!!!!!! HAHAH AND DW I USE “CHECKING OUT” WHEN LOOKING AT NEW BLOGS AND CONTENT TOO!!! and yeah hehe we are those typa friends n mutuals HAHAHA but yeah her blog is awesome and she has great writing and gifs and gfx and she has sideblogs linked on outrowings for other content too! nwn
OOH OMG my bro is ~5 years older than me too!!!! hahaha i get you, i felt cool playing games with my bro too haha!!! our grandma had the super nintendo for some reason and we played super mario and fighting games but i was so bad HAHAA BUT OMG THE DS DAYS!!!!! bruh mario + legend of zelda?? UR SO COOL OMG KJFAKDSJ!!! i think i just had brain age, mario kart, and pokemon black except i never finished pkmn because leveling up pokemon is a pain ksksk QWQ i hope you find your ds though omg!!!!!! i will speak it into existence!!! BUT BRO MY MIND IS LITERALLY STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL AHH I JUST LOOKED UP OUR SEMESTER SCHEDULE AND WE ONLY GET 1 DAY OFF FOR THANKSGIVING OOPPPP AND HERE I WAS PLANNING MY PROCRASTINATION SO I WOULD JUST DO IT DURING A FREE WEEK THAT DIDN’T EXIST JKHFKAJSFD!!!!
FHDJAHFAS AW CORGIS!!!!! LOVE EM THEY’RE FLUFFY HOT DOGS KSKSKSK!! OOF OKAY I WILL ALSO SPEAK INTO EXISTENCE THAT UR FINGER WILL GET BETTER V SOON >:O!! BUT YES HAHAHAHA BOTS CAN’T STOP US!!!!! AND THANK YOU HEHEHE <3333 my weekend is indeed going well, i watched movies while calling miss outrowings yesterday and we’re calling tonight again hehe!!!! and i might stream for the first time if all of my setup is correct and i don’t chicken out hehe! HAHAH YES BOTS CANNOT STOP US OH AND WHAT ARE UR FAV DOGS/ANIMALS??? IDR IF I ASKED THIS ALREADY BUT I WILL ASK ANYWAYS BECAUSE IT IS IMPORTANT DISCUSSION
JHSJSAHFS OOP ANDROID LACKING, APPLE SUPREMACY IS CORRECT HAHAAH JSJSJDKFHSJKF JKJKJK!!! DWDW JUST DO WHATEVER IS BEST FOR YOU BRO!!! ANDROID IS COOL TOO I THINK :) <333 HEHE OKAY HOPE THE REST OF YOUR WEEKEND IS SUPERB!!!
I made a youtube video, of me narrating Ashita no Joe episode 4.
I was wondering for awhile if it would be ok to upload a video that’s just directly an anime episode of Ashita no Joe.
I thought partly, maybe it would be ok, since that anime came out like before 1970 or something so maybe it’s free domain,
but nah. It is blocked. I can’t find the video at all.
but, that isn’t going to stop me..
I will do the impossible, (even though I am depressed, about someone I know. irl)
and narrate Ashita no Joe episode 4.
I made a whole video of me narrating it with my voice. but it’s blocked aaaa. I refuse to let it go, though.
giga..drill...breakeriswhat I’d say but I am too depressed about someone I know irl.
Ok so anyways, this was gonna be a YouTube video, especially cuz-- [had to delete the explanation] anyways here:
[deleted stuff.....] ...
oh shizzat its 4am I’m fluffin’ tired. so I’m just gonna skim the episode and post screenshots argh my foot is pulsating as I type that as if my entire body is thinking “wow I know you re-watched Ashita no Joe episodes again yesterday but you should watch the whole episode again its godly” I’m sorry ewotjwte its just almost 4am and I had to wake up at 10am yesterday.
the opening plays. and then:
that one guy that is like my dad reads about my stuff
Jebus freakin’ RICE I’m tired. But I need to do something productive today cuz after I woke up at 10am for my social worker I was tired and drained all day from hearing the voices of the people upstairs and the noise in the wall.
my dad I mean Danpai keeps reading the newspaper (like how in -- gah nevermind [deleted cuz I’m paranoid about what [NEVERMIND deleted the explanation]] and
my freakin’ dad I mean Danpai gets mad at Joe just like
I DELETED [can’t say] like 8 years ago cuz of that time when I [=/ Can’t say the details]
GOSH DARN IT this is just like something irl and I can’t even say what it is because I’m too paranoid about people [deleted explanation here]
ok so basically Joe is super successful and doing good things in this world but no one believes him cuz his stupid azz danpai adopted dad figure is a dumb bummie, and then
and then I wanna explain 99 lines but we’re not even 2 minutes into the episode, so I guess I have to skip some parts; I mean it is 4am after all
ok so there’s this snobby lady (at the time ? perhaps she changes at the very very very very end but I won’t give any spoilers about how the very final episode goes itjewiot btw I literally watched this anime starting from the very last episode cuz someone said this series has best ending in anime/manga of all time, and then I started back at early episodes after that, when I first watched this however years ago,)
yes we printed this article cuz .. you’re trustworthy and popular but Joe is just an unpopular guy who helps out orphans and gives his money away to help out orphans
ya know how when I watched the first 11 episode with [won’t say but the guy that begins with Sau and ends with ce that I was friends with for 15 years and he kept making fun of it multiple times in the chat saying “More like a shit a joe.”] well these guys are like wow Joe is a delinquent cuz he is helping out orphans
wow Yabuki Joe used an alt account or some shiz and made a complete lie to try to help society for the better like making a peaceful game and then I mean boxing I mean waterver and then
no one believes ni the main character Joe who is LITERALLY helping out local orphans; and they’re basically like just jealous of him and twisting the truth to make him look bad is what these snobby popular people are doing t hat actually have friends unlike the wondering loner Joe Yabuki,
this very popular snobby lady who actually has friends unlike ab- Yabuki Joe doesn’t care that Joe is actually being helpful and wants to make projects that will bring peace to this world, she will not give him a chance because she cares more about appearances and keeping up her reputation.
....She takes on the full pressure and responsibilty. But can she handle it?
they’re basically like “uhhh do you have [deleted in case it comes off as offensive, since I know some others that make fun of that stuff >=\ which I don’t like either cuz I get made fun of [the deleted thing] too . It shouldn’t even have to be deleted >=\ but I was in a [DELETED] and they made fun of [the deleted thing] so I guess it has to be [deleted] which is so sad for this world ??] and so
the really cool person who *doesn’t reveal spoilers of the end of the series aa* says please leave Train- Yabuki Joe to me !!
i have faith in him he totally will not somehow break this faith that I vaguely have in him and am kinda too shy to publicly admit..
I wonder what Joe is feeling like right now and doing:
s o anyways Joe keeps laughing 99 times in this episode, and, cuz he knows he’s right and just helping out orphans and people that aren’t popular and too afraid to join the b- never mind.
some of his followers don’t respond to his long rants and are like maybe he is going too far and should back down fro mthe very popular snobby lady
Yabuki Joe laughs again
he says What’s the matter with you!? Stop siding with the very popular lady that actually has friends and a good reputation who is a stuck up and like do what is right instead of what . will make people think better of you even if you know in your hear that maybe it might be wrong.
The snobby lady posted on Twit- I mean irl the anime known as Ashita no Joe the they posted a screenshot of me saying “I have family.....” and they mocked him saying “Um.... I have family too....?” as her followers mocked Yabuki Joe on twitter in the 1970s anime or something,
but family isn’t what matters, everyone has family,
what matters is that you all still have a poor reputation because you have no friends which I think is 100% ok but the stuck-up lady who hates Joe for some reason atm just cares about how they’re rich in [deleted snarky remarks] reputation.
stop caring about the dislikes and haters and appreciate the supporters that you do have;;.
yabuki Joe says F THE HATERS THIS IS Just the beginning of [would say but I wanna here but X_X; [deleted the reason why I won’t] because of [deleted] because of [deleted]]
,y gpa; s 1 million followers cuz then they at least know what is right
in this world.
and then joe is like
then he’s like yea in my heart I know its good to have that many followers cuz I know the true true truth about Yabuki Joe the anime and manga character from Ashita no Joe, he just wants that many followers to program an indie game about- I mean anyways
[OK WHAT THEH ECK I SERIOUSLY DID RECORD A VIDEO OF ME JUST NARRATING THIS ENTIRE EPISODE AND I uploaded it yesterday on a video sharing site but it is blocked cuz of copyrighted content aaa even though this was from before 1970 aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa now I gotta explain in text instead of voice like I already did last night AAAAAAAAAAaa]
they say But what would you do with that much power, that many internet I mean irl followers in 197o in Ashita no Joe the anime/manga series?
and then Yabuki Joe says teh
then he’s like What the gosh darn shiz in yoshville mans,
and they’re like Look Yabuki Joe lives in a Terrible place with Terrible living conditions wher e brick dust keeps falling down and then
and like Joe has no problems like getting kawaii innocent ppl to follow him, but the others are a bit suspicious.. of Joe and his behavior..
Joe is like i’m gonna build a huge online hamster game soon.
and then someone tells Abu in tumblr messages I mean they tell
Someone tells Yabuki Joe as you can see if you flippin’ watch the episode yourself (I don’t blame you. I hope someone will check this series out, though. It’s my favorite anime series, to be honest.) anyways and then someone from his fandom of - anyways someone says
He’s so full of himself.
I guess you suffer from delusions of grandeur?
the bully who is even in the same exact fandom as ab- Yabuki Joe of being an orphan says that, and because they’re so big inside, people blindly listen to them.
the true actual innocent follower that knows trainerab- Yabuki Joe is actually honest and truthful is like, wow shut the fak up brah, and then:
Then the “Are you sure you don’t suffer from delusions of grandeur?” doubtful follower who is keeping an eye on Ab-Yabuki Joe I mean and watching over him to try to keep the orphanage safe falsely then says “This is a clown. See this clown? Abu is hiring th I mean Yabuki Joe had this younger person defend him” Wow and then
one of the only innocent ppl in this show besides Yabuki Joe and a bunch of later characters in this series in later episodes that happen soon, know Joe really is telling the truth and that he really is honest and she’s pizzed awf at that hater troll person trying to Provoke joe and such on [deleted] anime & manga series Ashita no Joe the anime/manga series, and then
then they’re like, uh oh maybe Joe does have some loyal followers who know the real truth and we should hold our distance and see what he does and what he is truly like, first, and then
so then Yabuki Joe shows them their steam profile and the gam I mean the BY- I mean
Joe is like ok I played retro games my whole life and watched cool cartoons like the Rugrats and I play cool games and twisted trolls like the snobby girl try to make it look like I “change my interests to appease others” but come into my YouTube channel office and c the truth that I really DID play a lot of SNES games and then
I mean Yabuki Joe says this is my office and this is where I live,
I live in a factory that rains brick dust,
AND THEN I WANNA NARRATE THIS ENTIRE EPISODE BUT IT IS FREAKIN’ 4:35am and I gotta get up soon
I mean I flippin’ already narrated this entire episode and commented on it etc. and made a cool video of it but YouTube blocked it AAAAAAAA even tho it was an anime made in
1970 I thought it would be free domain by now and o.k. to upload a video of it to YouTube with audio commentary GOSH AAAaaaa GOSH I WANNA NARRATE THE WHOLE EPISODE
AS I SAID IN THE youtube video that is blocked on YouTube I think it is a requirement cuz like it really pejeroyjoirjyorejijioe
ok have a nice night.
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The Hannibal Twitter Takedown of 2020
Hi! So I wrote this a little over a week ago and decided I would share it. This is a documentation of the events taking place on Hannibal fandom Twitter in 2020, though a lot of information also pre-dates the Twitter drama. Please don’t send hate to any of the people mentioned in this post. The intent of this post is to provide documentation of the events that took place on Twitter, as well as provide information on everything and everyone most heavily involved. But feel free to comment and/or add onto this!
Trigger/Content Warning: The following discusses problematic content in-depth including mentions of p*dophilia, inc*st, beastial*ty, r*pe/non-con, etc. Brief mentions of racism & upsetting comments about mental illnesses. Trigger words have been censored to (hopefully) get around Tumblr’s shadow ban.
To understand the situation, you must be a little familiar with NBC’s Hannibal, but you can look up what it’s about. And no, it’s not about that roman general dude, it’s about the fictional serial killer from Thomas Harris’ books, Hannibal “The Cannibal” Lecter. NBC’s Hannibal was written and produced by writer Bryan Fuller and aired from 2013-2015 with 3 seasons spanning 39 episodes, but to fully understand this takedown you should probably read up more on the show itself, though you don’t necessarily have to. Okay, excellent, with that out of the way, let’s get into it.
The Hannibal fandom essentially died in 2016, rising up again every so often at the idea of the show getting renewed after its cancellation whenever a new streaming service picked it up (such as Amazon Prime), but to no avail, as the show is still very much cancelled. But the recent events happened due to Hannibal being put on Netflix US in 2020, which spurred a “fandom renaissance.” (Once again, because many people were hoping for a renewal, especially since the show being put on Netflix gave it a wider audience of new fans.) The renaissance of sorts has caused a large uproar and creation of twitter stan accounts, and the fandom itself seems pretty split. This split is of something you may be familiar with, if you’ve looked into fandom wank before. That being pro-shippers versus antis. The Hannibal community has very specific meanings for these phrases though, and is divided enough that accounts even started using emojis in bios and display names to differentiate between the two groups. The “pro” group being designated as “rainbow meaties” (shortened to “rms”) because of their use of the rainbow meat emojis. The “antis” have been nicknamed “meat knives/knifes” by rms due to the use of the knife and steak emojis. However, the importance of all this is the stance that rms and antis take on controversial content.
For further context, it should be known that the rainbow meatie movement was started in 2019 by twitter user @callmenephila, after her art* for the #JustFuckMeUpFest (shared through a private account) depicting Will Graham receiving oral sex/stimulation from Winston (his dog) was publicly leaked. This art also appears to be non-con with this tweet from the artist. Obviously this spurred a lot of hate towards the artist, as they were depicting beastiality. While the artist and many others (later designating themselves to be fellow rainbow meaties) claimed that @callmenephila should be allowed to create such content because it is “artistic expression,” antis heavily disagreed.
In short, rainbow meaties cite that their movement is “pro-content,” anti-harassment and anti-bullying, as well as against the censorship of content that depicts p*dophilia, r*pe/non-con, inc*st, beastial*ty, abuse, and extreme fetish in fiction. The anti community is against this content, though many voice that it is due to the fact that rainbow meaties often write and depict this content in their fan-works as something romanticized and/or fetishized. An anti who wishes to remain anonymous wrote: “this type of work can be okay as a commentary or a warning, but it shouldn’t be something made for p*ornogtaphic jerk-off content.”
This was a constant battle, but it usually just ended with antis and rms blocking one another. Until October 7th, 2020, when creator of the show, Bryan Fuller, liked and replied to nsfw art by user @enecarlate of Hannibal giving Will Graham a blowjob on his public twitter with over 150 thousand followers. It must be noted that his account has no r18+ warning, and that twitter users need only be 13+ to create an account on the site, and many minors follow Fuller for updates about a possible Hannibal reboot, and that many minors also saw this nsfw art on their timeline due to Fuller’s interaction with the post. Subsequently, a lot of Hannibal stan accounts voiced their upset, not only to other stans, but to Fuller himself, responding and quote tweeting him, many out of anger that he did so without concern for his followers, or, as some others stated, concern that the art depicts two of his ex-coworkers (albeit as the characters they played) in a graphic sexual manner. Eventually Fuller started responding to these tweets. User @uwuhannibal quote tweeted one of Fuller’s responses with: “Never thought I’d see the writer of Hannibal arguing with a bunch of minors because we think it’s weird that he replies to VERY nsfw art of his coworkers.” Fuller responds: “I never thought I would see America teetering on the edge of facism, but there you go.”
When a user pointed out that Fuller’s response had nothing to do with the conversation at hand, Fuller continued: “I was referring to the current administration of the country under the jeopardy category of other ‘things I thought I would never see.’ Don’t make it about you to justify your emotions, which to be clinical for a moment, is a symptom of borderline personality disorders.” This tweet was then almost immediately deleted, though screenshots can still be found**.
Upset over Fuller’s uneducated response, user @gothlecter tweeted: “@BryanFuller as someone with bpd FUCK that tweet you made. It was disgusting and terrible.” To which Fuller responded: “@gothlecter Which was why I deleted it. I’m sorry you were offended. I was trying to point out the dysmorphia between facts and feelings.”
The aftermath involved Bryan Fuller liking a thread by user @hauntedhanni, a pro-shipper’s explanation on the differences between rainbow meaties and antis. User @hauntedhanni notedly claims that antis are facist, “[b]ecause antis are an extension of facist ideology.”
It had also been brought up that Bryan Fuller has done problematic things in the past, such as fetishize a lesbian character sleeping with a straight man, which multiple twitter users noted was lesbophobic, fetishistic, as well as unprofessional to tweet about. [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] There is also a brief tumblr thread about it. Fuller later claimed that this was not lesbophobic behavior. Interestingly, an article from 2014 discusses Fuller’s tweet and his response as well. There is also the topic of racism, which was tackled following the death of Beverly Katz, a character portrayed by an asian actress, in season two of Hannibal, and later addressed by the actress, Hettienne Park, herself. There is also a 2014 article on the subject here.
However, twitter user, and infamous rainbow meatie account @FannibalJ (also known as Monica), has made racist comments in the past, and has also received Fuller’s support through liking and replying to tweets claiming she was being wrongfully harassed. It should be noted that Monica made multiple tweets about a relationship between an underage Will Graham and an adult Hannibal Lecter [x] [x]. This is not the only depiction of this type of age-gap though, as there a multiple fics by different users on Ao3 depicting an aged-down minor Will Graham with an older adult Hannibal Lecter, when their canon age difference is about 10 years, having met when they are both consenting adults, Will being 34 and Hannibal being in his late 40s to early 50s, as cited by the Hannibal Wiki. Monica has also tweeted “INCEST IS SEXY. RT IF YOU AGREE” Monica’s other infamous tweets include when she compared a Jewish person to a N*zi [x] [x], using the f slur, supporting incest alongside twitter user @actualadultJD (a self-proclaimed infamous omegaverse erotic author who is also infamously known for getting into fights with antis and minors, as well as writing Holocaust N*zi erotic fiction, which has spurred multiple conversations and threads on why its distasteful, including this helpful tumblr thread by a Jewish user, as well as these twitter threads [x] [x])***. Bryan Fuller has also tweeted and liked tweets heavily implying that he now identifies as a rainbow meatie. [x] [x] [x]
This includes an exchange between Fuller and twitter user @aekiv0, who wrote: “hey bryan, ive watched hannibal ever since the first episode aired, and the first season of american gods b4 you left. Im confused as to why you’re taking the side of pedophile, incest & zoophile supporters/defenders & really only supporting them? its a really bad look on ya dude.” In response, Fuller said: “They’re not any of those things. You’ve twisted their art/artistic expression into those extremes because you don’t understand art history, Greco Roman mythology, or metaphorical, allegorical, or thematic storytelling. Your narrowmindedness is your own shortcoming, not theirs.” This tweet can be assumed to be directly referencing @callmenephila’s Will/Winston art, as many have claimed the art is reminiscent of depictions of Leda and the Swan. However, it must be noted that Leda and the Swan is an ancient myth involving the beastial r*pe of Leda by Zeus in the form of a swan, and that doesn’t necessarily excuse depictions of beastial*ty, especially when it is incredibly explicit.
Following these events, many large rm accounts started posting screenshots of any accounts who engaged with tweets criticizing Bryan Fuller. These threads include hundreds of accounts, including minors.****
There was also an incident a month prior to these events back in September involving a self-identified MAP (“minor attracted person” ie a p*dophile) joining the Hannibal twitter-sphere. Said pedophile went by the named Quinn, and their twitter handle was @KidsCantConsent. You can find a thread on their offenses and tweets here. Quinn also interacted with @actualadultJD, discussing p*dophilic “attraction” and fan-content depicting p*dophilia. A screenshot of this interaction can be found here.
There was also a somewhat recent comment made by Fuller in which he describes himself as a “nickel hooker,” a comment which demeans sex workers. [x] Many sex workers in the fandom have also voiced their discontent with this comment.
Thus, many antis have since expressed their distaste and denounced Bryan Fuller’s statements and actions, whilst rainbow meaties praise him. As this has been written on October 12th 2020, we have still yet to see if there will be more drama to follow.
*It should be noted that @callmenephila’s art is still publicly available on their twitter to view. HUGE content warning for depictions of beastial*ty, graphic sexual content, etc. This is only being included for the sake of being thorough. The art can be found here.
**Here is a screenshot taken of the tweet:
***For the sake of being thorough, here is @actualadultJD’s Holocaust Nazi erotic fic, which at the time of writing, now includes a tag that reads: “That ‘Fandom Scholar’ Lied About This Fic”
****Again, unfortunately for being thorough, so that people cannot accuse these claims of being false, here are the links to the threads “exposing” antis and people that are critical of Bryan Fuller. [x] [x] [Note the replies of this tweet: x]
- I would again like to reiterate that none of you send hate to anyone mentioned in this post, as this was not the reason for this post at all. This is, once again, a documentation of events. Do not send anyone hate.
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26. I Hate This Fandom, and I Hate All of You
I absolutely stole this line from an old friend in the Glee fandom, because it’s one that I think about EVERY TIME a fandom gets on my nerves, much the way that even this fandom does and in particular Simon stans. Idk what to tell y’all if y’all feel some type of way... be better people. ANYWHO! Shoutout to my friend for a quote that still means a lot to me 10 years later. Word Count: 4119
There was a lot of buzz surrounding the mini vacation for Simon’s birthday. Their families were together in Belize. Simon’s photos only reflected Simon either being with Grace and Hazel on the trip, or Grace. For the type to hyperfixate and go through everyone’s pages, they could find entire group photos and stuff on Mr. Laurent’s and Mrs. Monroe’s pages as Mr. Monroe didn’t have social media and Mrs. Laurent’s wasn’t sophisticated (inspirational quotes and recipes and DIYs that she was never going to actually try). Simon’s selected photos always looked like professional stills of the scenery, candids and capturing all the beauty possible, while Grace took hundreds of photos of everything from hijinks and mishaps to food to selfies, and they always just looked like somebody living her best life.
But, someone asked, “Are you in Belize with Grace Monroe?” on Simon’s photo of a pair two pairs of bare feet in the dirt - one an older person, dark brown skin, several scars from previous damages and new callouses, and a younger person’s lighter brown skin and cutesy temporary tattoos on the base of their feet.
“Grounding, also called earthing, is a therapeutic technique that involves doing activities that “ground” or electrically reconnect you to the earth. This practice relies on earthing science and grounding physics to explain how electrical charges from the earth can have positive effects on your body.” Simon had put as the caption. In the same photo set, you could see an image of his own feet in the dirt, and...
“These are Grace and Hazel Monroe’s feet, right???” When they flipped through the set, there was near the end of several pictures of the landscape and sky, silhouettes of two people in the sunset - remarkably shaped like Grace and Hazel dancing in the dirt.
“OMG OGM GOM MOG MG OOMG…”
“Simon and Grace are BACK ON y’all!”
“Grace is letting Simon post photos of her! You all know that she’s very secretive about Simon these days, and now they’re in Belize and he’s posting photos! We WON everybody!”
Grace’s comments were a little bit less like that. A little bit. She had almost forgotten how “Simon’s fans” could get. She had looked up one of those “foods to order when you’re in Belize” articles and gotten everything on the list, took a photo of the table top and captioned, “About to go IN!” And less than a few moments later, had SO MANY, “Are you with Simon/Simon is gonna eat most of that/Save some for Simon/What did Simon order/So jealous that you get to eat all of that! Save room for desert AKA Simon!” That was the point where she decided to go on a comments black out. There could be no more comments on whatever photos that she took for the rest of the trip. Simon left his open, though. It blew his mind that half a year ago, people were telling him that they were disappointed in him for hurting Grace and lying about it, or that they were disappointed in him for trusting Grace again after everything, and now SOME of those very same people were extremely excited just to see them having brunch together that they were already working on wedding date headcanons and pregnancy foreshadowing. This entertained him. Grace wasn’t as much of a fan and contacted Hazel’s social media rep to ensure that any comments or questions about Simon were promptly deleted from any of her pages. Sometimes, they did that too. That was less amusing to Simon. He really believed that kids should be left out of things like that.
Simon knew that he was the reason that they didn’t last, as friends or otherwise and he had come to terms with that, but he still wanted her to be able to forgive him someday, trust him again and let him be a part of her life. This wasn’t her intention with this trip, so he definitely couldn’t take it as a sign. She was enjoying Belize with her daughter and making the most of the fact that her parents had foolishly invited him along, thinking it could be beneficial in some way. That didn’t mean that he wasn’t going to enjoy his limited time with her to the fullest.
Plus, he and Hazel had made some small steps to acceptance on her tour of their memory lane. Surprisingly to him, Grace was very open with Hazel about her wrongs. She did tell her about how she fought and hunted down Simon’s bullies, how she stabbed one with a fork and kept it just to remind herself of that day. She told her things that Simon never would have wanted to ever let his kids know that he had done. Hazel just hugged her, told her that she understood her pain better now and that she was proud of her for being able to be a good and strong person now. She posted something about her mom being her hero and being so glad that she had somebody like her in her life. It was really cute.
Simon went to follow her on her social media and someone even noticed THAT. “Simon Laurent is now following Hazel Monroe on like everything!” They posted with screenshots of his name following each account and an eyeballs emoji. He… blocked the person. He didn’t block people very much, but where Hazel was concerned, he didn’t want any of his stuff to bleed over into her space. Grace wouldn’t like that and he didn’t like it, either.
He and Hazel had spoken about the charm bracelet. She had been chronicling the charms with their stories, and said something like, “I feel like I’m wearing a sacred relic on my wrist.”
“Speaking of…” Simon had said, and reached into his satchel. “I made you copies of something…”
He showed her some pages of what could ONLY be two Esmoroth books and she squealed, hugged them to herself and stuck them in her own tote. “Expect my notes on them, soon.” He gave her a salute. Grace watched them interact and she couldn’t remember many moments that he talked to kids - like she had seen him at work with them and even sometimes whenever she caught part of one of his scouts things, but seeing him and Hazel sort of bonding affected her. She was equal parts cautious and soft. Simon seemed genuine though, and that only became more noticeable during the trip.
He was doing stuff like making sure she was walking on the inside when they went down streets, reflexively shielding her in crowds, helping her over, up onto stuff whenever she looked like she might struggle - things that Grace would normally do/try to do but wait it out to see if Hazel could do it herself or ask her if she needed help. Simon jumped into action and it didn’t seem to bother Hazel, so Grace was able to watch her get babied a little bit. It was cute. She snapped several photos, just for herself, though.
They got back to the villa to see that Mrs. Monroe had arranged another dinner. “This woman, I swear,” Grace mumbled. Simon laughed a little.
Mrs. Monroe announced, “We had a spa day and I got the Laurents makeovers. The three of you get washed up and dressed. The photographer is already here and I don’t want him to catch you three looking like… This.” she circled her hands at them, then waved them off.
“What… should I wear?” Simon asked as they walked off.
“I’ve set your outfits out!” Mrs. Monroe called at his back, “All of you!”
“I really feel like I’m 15 again,” Grace said shaking her head. Simon let out a grunt of agreement.
Hazel wondered, “This is what 15 feels like???” Not her 15. Grace was NEVER gonna do this type of stuff to her. But, the occasional bossiness of GlamMother Monroe would be fine. ONLY on occasion.
They reconvened with the family on the patio, overlooking the water as they were relaxed enough to not be as uncomfortable as at the birthday dinner. Hazel and Simon were talking about how far along she had gotten in his book, which she had her copy of at the table and was going over notes so far (she was pleased with where it was going and she enjoyed the angst between the Future King and the Idol Princess, “A lot more than I would have before everything I learned about you and my mom,” Grace heard her say.
“Do you want more?” Grace heard an unfamiliar voice ask.
She turned to see Mrs. Laurent staring at her with gray eyes… Simon’s eyes. Ugh… This is where he got those? She forced a smile and shrugged, “Someday.”
The woman leaned closer to her and said, “It gets tougher whenever there’s another. You have a hard time juggling the same amount of love that you have in you between more bodies.”
“I don’t think I’ll have that problem, but I’m going to take everything that the professionals say into consideration whenever I begin to think about expanding the family.”
“Simon was really easy. You just give him a little block set or something to build and he would leave you alone for hours. His sister needed constant attention. She just couldn’t stand not being focused on. I could easily leave Simon alone for half a day whenever he was 6. Hope couldn’t be left for a couple of hours, even having someone there with her…”
“Leave her alone,” they heard Simon growl at his mother in a low voice. The woman frowned and sat back in her seat. “Are you okay, Grace?” Simon looked at Grace’s hands clutching the table. She looked at them too, and released her grip, then saw Hazel, looking at her concerned and looking at Mrs. Laurent suspiciously.
“Yeah. She was just talking about motherhood.”
“About how she was terrible at it?” Simon asked.
“Simon…” Grace started.
But Hazel interjected, “Not everybody has a mom like you, Grace.”
“My mom isn’t perfect…”
“I think she meant a mom who is like you,” Simon said. Hazel nodded. “Some of us got hit a lot and yelled at, called names…”
“Abandoned in a field for days…”Hazel added. “Not to say that GlamMother was better! Just… sometimes it’s harder to trust people again, depending on what they did and well… as a mommy, doing bad stuff to your kid makes it so hard to even be nice.”
Grace nodded and adjusted Hazel’s braids. She had braided her hair whenever they were on the plane, to pass the time on the long flight. “I understand. I’ve been hurt by somebody that I thought really loved me before…” Simon blinked and turned away. Hazel gave him a sympathetic glance. Grace added, “But, I’m really trying not to be angry with them forever, and I think maybe our moms might be able to inherit a little bit of the same kind of forgiveness that we would want from others.”
Hazel scoffed, “She is definitely talking to you, Simon. There’s no way I’m forgiving any time soon.”
Simon said, “Noted,” and stared into his cup. He sat for a while longer and then took his cup and left the table. Hazel lowered her eyes, avoiding looking at Grace.
Mrs. Laurent offered, “He’s always been really sensitive. I’ll go…”
“No,” Grace said. “You… stay.” She stood up, glanced at Mrs. Laurent, slid Hazel’s chair away from her a little, basically letting Hazel know not to engage with that woman (though Hazel seemed to be the only person that the woman was kind hearted to, probably reminded her of her daughter or something). Grace found Simon pacing and clenching his fists. She turned to leave. This was a private moment, but he glanced up, saw her and stopped moving. She winced and clasped her hands together, “I was coming to check on you.” He relaxed a little and sat down on the nearby stairs.
She leaned against the rail and explained, “I’m not saying that you have to forgive your mom if you want me to forgive you. That’s not what I meant to convey. I just mean… that I try to think about things from the other person’s shoes a lot more than I used to. I remember right before I snapped, I asked my mom if you really believed all of the things you said about me, or if you were just a really good liar. I still don’t really know for sure what the answer is and I don’t think you do, either. And, whenever we don’t even fully know ourselves, how can we possibly know what others are going through? For all I know, you’re in the most pain that has ever pained anyone. I couldn’t say. What I can say is that I won’t let your pain be an excuse to hurt me, and as long as you aren’t hurting me, I see no reason to punish you.” She sat next to him. “But, maybe you and your mom can’t be like that, and that’s valid. I was just throwing something out in the air. I probably should have thought it through.”
“It’s true though. The stuff I did is just as unforgivable as the stuff she did. How can I expect you to ever trust me again when I’m not willing to do the same with her?”
“I mean… you and me are different people. You and her are different people. Not everything is interchangeable.”
“Any time I’m near Hazel, you look like at any moment, you expect me to throw her into the ocean. It feels really bad, but I get it. So… I know that she MIGHT be hurting too. It’s just… so hard. And to think that this is the way that I make you feel when I’m around, trying to pretend that I’m normal… It’s the most painful part. What can I do though? I made it this way. I did things that can’t be undone. Even in trying to rectify it, that’s just… treating an injury. I’ll never be able to remove the scars.” He had tears falling down his face, which he wiped away before she could have the chance to feel bad. “And you’re the last person that I should be whining to about it, because you’re the victim in this story.”
“A survivor,” she corrected. “Who has chosen to try to understand. Let’s give each other a little more space. We went around town, living in the old days and that maybe threw us a bit out of reality’s orbit. You were fine before we hung out..” He opened his mouth to debate, but she caught herself and corrected, “Well, not fine, but better. And… you need to get increasingly better. Until you’re well.” She got up and he watched her go back out and collect Hazel. They turned in early that night. He went back out to talk to his mom…
The Laurents were awake early and the only ones in the kitchen with Hazel whenever Grace emerged from their quarters. Mr. Laurent had made pancakes and eggs, and Hazel was stuffing her face and reading. Simon was next to her, ready to protect her, if he had to, while his mother was nursing a cup of coffee with a full, cold plate in front of her. “Good morning!” Grace cheered and kissed Hazel on top of the head, then Simon, though she awkwardly cringed after she did. He blushed, but didn’t make a big deal out of it. Yeah, she requested space, but she was also always affectionate and they had been around each other a lot the past few days.
“Good morning,” Mr. Laurent said. “Plenty of pancakes and eggs!”
“I’m having breakfast with my parents, but thank you for the offer,” she said in a fake sweet voice. “Hazel, why don’t you go get ready for the day. We’re spending it with your grands.”
“Yes!!! They give the BEST day out presents!” Grace sat down, and Simon noticed that with the off the shoulders blouse she had on, he could see the tan marks on her now even darker brown skin. He… liked tan marks. And… her hair smelled really good. Her lips looked so moist… She squinted her eyes at him and he quickly turned away and grabbed his plate and Hazel’s to clear them from the table.
“What do you all have planned for the day?” She asked.
“I’m going to take Samantha to the beach,” Simon said.
“If you can find her. I told you to keep her in her crate,” Mrs. Laurent said.
“I let her out in my quarters, not in the entire villa. She’s somewhere in my space,” he said. They had been bickering. He told her that he was trying to forgive her, because forgiving her might mean being able to forgive himself for the things that he had done. She told him that even if she tried for the rest of her life, she couldn’t forgive him for what he did to Hope… So… They weren’t any closer to whatever it was Grace was at in her growth journey. “I might do something with my hair,” Simon said, shrugging his shoulders as he washed dishes and returning his attention to Grace’s question. “Since I have that patch on the side from getting kicked in the head, I sort of want to do something Viking looking or elvish… Maybe a braid and a side do.”
“That sounds hot,” Grace said. He blushed again. “There might be something in Hazel’s Celtic book! There were some hairstyles in there. She carries the thing around a lot. Every since we found out that she had it in her DNA, she’s sorta been obsessed with Celtic history and the fact that there’s hazel tree lore is her favorite coincidence in the world.” Simon smiled and put the clean dishes away.
“She’s a great kid. You’re doing great with her.”
“It’s really not that hard. I just love her a lot and always try to give her what’s best for her and trust her to let me know if she doesn’t agree with what’s best for her… which isn’t often, at all. I worry that she sometimes maybe has too much emotional maturity. Like, if I shouldn’t coddle her a little more…” She bit her lip. “Like… how can you even tell when it’s what’s best?”
“She is happy and healthy. I trust that you do what’s best.” He cut his eyes at his mother and dismissed himself just as Hazel returned. They high fived each other when they crossed paths and Grace got up so that they could leave. She’d meet her parents elsewhere later. She couldn’t just stay in there with the Laurents, no matter how nice they were maybe trying to be.
She and Simon did well enough keeping their space through the rest of the trip. By Monday morning, when they were all back home, Grace wondered if Hazel needed a day to recover, but she was SO READY to get to school and brag to her friends about how she had been given drafts of the next two books of Esmoroth and how she wouldn’t tell them what happened and they would be SO jealous and think she’s SO cool. “They might even think that I’m lying. That’s why I have photos of me and Simon, with both of the drafts. They’re gonna be extremely, extremely envious.”
Grace laughed, “Why do you want your friends to be envious?”
“Because, that’s how you know it’s the good stuff.” Hazel still had her braids in. They probably wouldn’t last as long as that style would in Grace’s head, but Grace estimated she still had a few weeks before they would have to take them down. Also, Grace noticed that after giving Simon the leaf in her hair whenever they went to get on their planes home… She hadn’t replaced it. She put in one of her leaf clips and almost left the door without Grace! Grace caught up with her and the girl was as lively as ever. Grace didn’t have that same enthusiasm.
The weekend was exhausting for her. Seeing her parents wore her out. Seeing them, the Laurents, and specifically Simon? She was about to sleep this entire day, until it was time to meet up with Hazel afterschool. Back in her own bed, with her own energy in her space, her own schedule and company (or lack thereof) it was great.
Simon had went live while he was working on styling his hair, to clear up all of the rumors about he and Grace rekindling their romance, which essentially boiled down to, “Grace and I are not together. We aren’t even friends again. The Monroes were nice enough to treat my family to a vacation for my birthday. I love, admire, adore, worship, would die for Grace, but I’ve done too much stuff for her to ever trust me again and I have to be okay with that, so all of you should be, too.”
Grace didn’t know until Hazel told her that Forgive Him Grace and Groveling for Grace were a thing. She watched the video and was amazed that they had taken his words and decided to do the complete opposite, because of course they did! She merely made a post, with no tags or links that said, “I hate this fandom, and I hate all of you.” Some were in the comments laughing, because they knew exactly what she was talking about. Some were asking her what fandom it was and offering words of kindness. Some were just flooding it with those stupid hashtags.
Simon messaged her to apologize and insist that he didn’t mean for THIS to happen. She turned it into a video call, which he immediately picked up.
“Your followers have always been a very… special kind. Unreasonable. Stubborn. Obsessively defensive, even when you absolutely don’t deserve it.” He looked embarrassed. “You trained them too well. Jeesh.”
“They’re literally a little cult on the internet,” he said.
“Yup. They better not be bothering my baby.”
“No. I shut that shit down the moment I see it. I actually pinned an exile list to the top of my pages specifically for that.”
She checked and saw “For troubling Hazel Monroe, you will be exiled and your name will go upon this wall of shame.” It was followed by a list of names of people he blocked and at the bottom, “Leave her alone or you won’t be welcome here.”
“This is kinda adorable,” she said. “I love how you are with her. It means a lot to me.”
“You mean a lot to me, so she does too,” he said. She bit her lip and blew air through her lips. He smiled. “I love that you still do that. I was counting the similarities and differences.”
“I’d love to hear what you came up with!” She said.
“Okay. Similarities: You still do that brrrr thing with your mouth when you’re thinking or uncomfortable. You still play with people’s hair as a show of affection. You playfully tugged on Hazel’s braids so many times! Your feet still bother you… though they seem to be giving you more trouble than before. You still try to play nice with people and speak sweetly… Differences: You’re more confident. Not that you were insecure before, but you used to care what people think about you and now, you just don’t. It’s really sexy.” She blushed. “You’re independent. You don’t need anybody else and you used to always want somebody around. Like, you love Hazel and keep her close, but I can tell that you also allow her freedom and don’t demand her obedience like your parents did to you. And you’re… everything. I can’t believe that I convinced myself that you were nothing. You’re everything, and I would do anything for you.” They both just stared at each other a while.
“Well… That’s a nice thought. I’ll think of you if I need anything.”
“Or if you want anything…. Anything at all, Grace. I swear.”
“Okay. I’ll talk to you soon. Get your followers together!”
“I’m on it,” he said and rested his chin on his hands. She exited the conversation and took a deep breath. She didn’t know what he meant by any of that, but she had a feeling that it would be clear soon. Simon never made a declaration that he wasn’t going to come through about. Even “new” Simon.
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[SF] A wish of death.
Have you ever disliked someone so much… hated even… that you wish that they would just die?
Aoife did. Aoife disliked a lot of people throughout her life. When she was 6, there was a girl called Katie in her class in school. One day, their teacher split the class into pairs to do an art project. Amy was paired with a boy Aoife liked called Barry. Aoife instantly became jealous and from that day on, she grew a disliking to Katie. But she didn’t hate her.
Another person who Aoife disliked was her friend Marie’s mom, Brenda. Brenda was a strict parent. When Aoife slept over in Marie’s house on occasion, her mom would regularly check on them to make sure that they were okay. But they both knew that Brenda was just being nosey and trying to catch them as they were up to some mischief. Nothing in particular, just mischief. One time, Aoife and Maria caught Brenda eavesdropping on them outside Marie’s bedroom when she was leaving her bedroom to use the bathroom. Of course, Brenda played it off, but they were 12 years old at that time and were well used to Brenda’s snoopiness.
Yes, Aoife disliked Brenda too, but she didn’t hate her either.
One person who Aoife did hate was Emma Whitmore. Aoife thought that Emma Whitmore was the devil incarnate. Aoife first met Emma when the began secondary school. She was a year ahead of Aoife and made her life miserable for three long years. One time, when Aoife was on her way to biology, Emma pulled her back by her ponytail and she fell to the floor. The other girls in the hallway saw her taking her tumble and they all pointed and laughed, whilst taking videos and pictures on their phones. Another time, at a school disco when Aoife was dancing with her friends, Emma came up behind her and pulled up her dress and held it up as Aoife failed miserably in pulling it back down. A boy who Aoife liked, Brian, was at that disco and saw the whole fiasco. He didn’t laugh, but the damage was done to Aoife. That incident had mentally scarred her for years.
Yes, Aoife not only disliked Emma Whitmore, but she hated Emma. Aoife hated Emma Whitmore with a fiery hatred that was so strong, Aoife would physically shake and her heart would race. Aoife had her first panic attack whilst at home thinking about Emma Whitmore. Emma dumped her books out of her bag in school that day and some girls laughed at her again as she picked them up,. Looking pathetic and defeated. As Aoife sat in bed that night, thinking about Emma, she thought about how she bullied her for the past 3 years.
“I hate her so much. I hate her. I hate her.” Aoife said to herself, whilst holding her knees to her chest with tears running down her face.
“I just wish she would fucking DIE!” Aoife thought about that a lot, but she never said it out loud. But it felt good. She said it again: “ I wish she would fucking die! I wish. She would just. DIIIIEEEE!” She screamed silently under her breath.
Aoife hung out with her friends that weekend and had a good weekend. She needed it and she felt much better going into school on Monday morning. On Monday morning at assembly, the school principal, Mr Irwin began the morning with a somber tone.
“Ladies, it is with a heavy heart that I begin this week with some very sad news. Unfortunately, one of our students tragically passed away this weekend. Emma Whitmore.”
The whole hall gasped simultaneously, including Aoife.
“Before we begin this morning’s lessons, I want to make something very clear.” Mr Irwin continued. “This was a tragic accident, and the details will be revealed in due course. In the meantime, I don’t want anyone to spread rumours. As the details have not been released yet, anything you hear today from a fellow student will be false.”
Of course, kids being kids, rumours did spread throughout the day, the most popular being that Emma killed herself. Another that came up was a drug overdose, which Aoife immediately dismissed as false. Another was that an intruder broke in and murdered Emma and her family in their sleep. Another theory that made Aoife rolled her eyes.
Aoife spoke with her mother about it that evening and her mother also said that she didn’t know what happened. There was a lot of confusion about what happened to Emma. After a couple of more days, once the funeral had come and gone, the truth came to light. Emma Whitmore had merely died in her sleep. The doctors said they couldn’t figure out why. She had no underlying conditions. It was a brain hemorrhage, nor a heart attack. She just… died.
Aoife didn’t feel happy when she heard the news. Yes, she hated Emma Whitmore, but she wouldn’t wish her dead, not really dead anyway. But she would be lying to herself if she didn’t feel relieved. From the day Emma Whitmore died, Aoife’s life became much better. She was no longer bullied. People seemed to forget about the disco incident and she never heard the chants “granny’s panties” in the halls again.
When Aoife turned 18, she finished secondly school and went on to study Physics and Astronomy in college. She grew a fascination with the universe and how worked. She dreamed that someday she would go on to work for NASA.
While in college, Aoife met her first serious boyfriend, Colm. Colm was a country boy who played hurling in secondary school and for his local team. He would drive an hour home 3 times during the week to train and would go home on Sundays for matches. Aoife would often go to his matches on the weekend. She enjoyed watching hurling and seeing as Colm was rather good at it, it only made her more and more infatuated by him. He was a romantic. He bought her flowers on her birthday and bought her random gifts, such as pajamas when it was her time of the month and funny mugs related to private jokes they had.
She lost her virginity to Colm and knew from that day on, he was the only person she ever wanted to be with, physically and romantically. Even though it was only a month into their relationship, he was so gentle and tender towards her, she instantly fell in love. Of course, she didn’t tell him she loved him for another couple of months and only after Colm had told her first.
Yes, Aoife absolutely adored Colm, and when she found out that he cheated on her while in Tenerife on a boys holiday, it destroyed her. Aoife had never felt pain like it. She received an anonymous photograph of him kissing a girl on a beach at night while lying on a sun lounger. At first, she couldn’t believe it. It couldn’t be him. He told her he loved her a thousand times. But the more she looked at it, she knew it was him. She felt a knot in her stomach and she thought her heart was going to explode. It was a physical pain that she had only heard about in movies, but had never actually experienced herself. Aoife replied to the anonymous message on Facebook asking “who is this?” But the account was deleted soon after.
When Aoife approached Colm about it, of course, he denied it. When she showed him the picture, he studied it closely, biting his bottom lip whilst trying to come up with an excuse. Eventually, he dropped his gaze to his feet. He couldn’t look Aoife in the eye.
“How could you?” Aoife asked through tears that wouldn’t stop flowing and were making her vision blurry. “How could you?” She screamed this time, demanding a response.
“Aoife, I’m sorry,” Colm said again, tears welling up in his eyes. “We slept together one time and I regretted it immediately afterward. I was drunk and I think someone spiked me and….. look that’s no excuse, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
When he looked up, Aoife's mouth was hanging open. She sat down on his bed, staring at the ground. Now she couldn’t look him in the eye.
“You slept with her?” She asked.”I thought…. I thought you just kis…” She couldn’t finish the sentence. She felt like she just found out about the cheating all over again. The pain in her stomach. The crushing pain in her heart. Her legs were weak, she thought she was going to be sick.
“Yeah, why? What did you hear?” Colm asked, instantly realizing that he had told her more than she knew. And when Aoife looked up at him again, with her bloodshot eyes, tears streaming down her face and puffy cheeks, she could only let out one word: “Why?” And with that, she got up and left Colm’s bedroom and house for the last time.
When Aoife went home that night. She cried. She cried in her bedroom as she had cried the past couple of nights since finding out. She had cried harder than she ever had before. Harder than when her grandmother died when she was 11. Harder than when her pet cat, Oliver, died when she was 16. This was a different kind of pain. The ultimate betrayal. She had given every single part of herself to Colm, and he spat on it and threw it away like it was nothing. Had she leaned so little to him? So little that he was willing to go behind her back for an easy fuck on a boys holiday?
Yes, Aoife loved Colm. She loved him more than she loved anyone before. But in that moment, while she held her knees to her chest, crying uncontrollably in bed, she hated Colm. She hated Colm with every fiber of her being.
“I hate him,” she said to herself through the tears. “I hate him so fucking much” she to herself though the steering pain in her chest. “I just wish he would fucking die!” And with that, she fell onto her side and wailed, and wailed and wailed some more, until she finally fell asleep.
The next morning, Aoife woke up to 5 text messages and 8 missed calls from her friend, Amy.
“Can you talk?” One text said.
“Call me.” Another read.
“Pick up!!!!!!” Another read.
Aoife sat up in bed and rang Amy back. Amy answered almost instantly.
“What’s wrong?” Aoife asked while whipping her nose with her sleeve.
“So you heard?” Amy asked, after hearing Aoife’s tone. She was clearly upset and was crying hard recently.
“No?” Aoife responded.
There was a pause on the line. “Aoife… Colm passed away in his sleep last night.”
Aoife’s jaw dropped open. She didn’t respond. She couldn’t. Her world was caving in on her and there was no way out.
“Hello? Are you still there?” Amy asked. Aoife hung up the phone and dropped it.
She looked around her room, confused and disorientated. She began hyperventilating and clawing at her chest gasping for air. She was having a panic attack, her first one in a couple of years. Her vision became blurry and soon, she passed out.
The next thing Aoife remembered, she was on her bedroom floor, and her mother had a wet rag on her forehead. She took a moment to collect her thoughts.
“Aoife? Are you okay? I heard a crash and you were face down on the floor. Did you have another attack?”
Aoife sat up a bit in her mother's arms, and then it all came back. She looked at her mother as she felt like her whole being was collapsing in on itself.
“Mom… he’s gone.” She squeaked out and she began crying again.
“Who? Who’s gone?” Her mother asked.
“Colm.” She responded, looking at her mother with tears in her eyes. “He died. Last night. He’s dead mom.” And she began wailing into her mother's chest so hard she thought that she would never not feel pain again. Yes, Colm had cheated on her. But she didn’t want this. She didn’t know what she wanted, but it wasn’t this. And now all she wanted was to have him back. To go back 2 weeks ago and lie in bed with him with a cup of tea and watching Netflix with him in the pajamas he bought her a couple of months prior. That’s all she wanted, and she would never have it again.
The doctors did an autopsy on Colm and they found no complications or cause of death. The said that it was sudden adult death syndrome. Nothing caused it, he just went. They said that it would have been very quick and painless. Aoife went to the funeral and cried more. And she cried more and more for the next couple of weeks. She didn’t go to class and barely left her bedroom. She lost a stone in weight over the 2 weeks and her classmates sent her their notes and assignments, but she never looked at them. She felt dead inside. She felt nothing but pain.
When Aoife did start leaving the house again, she went to see a therapist and kept seeing them for three years. It became a habit for her. An expensive habit, but a habit all the same. She enjoyed going to see her therapist and felt it helped her with her relationships with friends and family.
Aoife failed her second-year exams. Colm’s death had taken its toll on her and she decided she would repeat them the following August. After getting a full-time job as a hotel receptionist over the summer, Aoife ended up going full time and dropped out of college completely. She worked at that hotel as a receptionist for 11 years, until her second child came along and she found it too difficult juggling a job and 2 children. And her husband, who she was now married to for 3 years was earning enough so that she could stay at home.
Aoife still thought about Colm from time to time. How could she not? He was her first lover, the person she thought she’d have children with and grow old with. When she was standing on the altar and saying her vows to her would-be husband, Craig, she couldn’t help but also think of Colm. Even though she hated him, he had left his mark on her. Aoife loved Craig. She loved him with all her heart, but she gave a piece of herself of Colm, and Colm took that piece with him when he died suddenly that night.
On a summer evening on the way home from a family day, Aoife drove as her husband and 2 kids slept after a long day at the beach. Her phone vibrated in the centre console and she picked it up. There was a message from “Mom”. As she went to unlock the phone, she dropped it and it fell to the ground between her feet.
“Fuck.” She said and looked in the rearview mirror to make sure the kids were still asleep and didn’t hear her. They were.
Aoife reached down with her right hand to try and reach her phone. As she reached down, the car slowly began to drift to the right. When she reached the phone, picked it up, and sat up, she quickly corrected her positioning on the road. She pulled the steering wheel to the left to reposition herself in the centre of the road but pulled the wheel too quickly. The car jackknifed and flipped 6 times before landing right side up and she was knocked unconscious.
When Aoife came too, she was being wheeled from her wrecked Nissan Qashqai and 4 firemen were cutting the roof off of it with a buzzsaw. She couldn’t see into the front passenger seat at her husband and the windshield was completely smashed. What she could make out clearly though was the blood on the inside of the windscreen.
“What happened?” She asked the paramedics, adrenaline beginning to fill her with panic.
“Ma’am, please stay calm, you’ve been in an accident and we’re taking you to the hospital.”
“What happened?” Aoife asked again, raising her voice. “My babies, where are my babies? Where are my babies?” She began to scream, the reality of the situation sinking in, as the paramedics put her into the back of an ambulance. There were 2 more ambulances around her, 2 fire trucks, and 2 police cars. There were flashing lights all around her and glass and metal all over the road in front of her.
Aoife began to scream in horror and despair. “I need my babies! Let me out!” She screamed at the paramedics in desperation to find her children. A moment later, she was fading and fading until she was eventually unconscious after the paramedics sedated her.
The next day, Aoife woke up in a hospital bed. She had a cast on her arm and a bandage on her head. She had a splitting headache and her left eye was completely red from the trauma, but that would also heal in time. Her vision in that eye would be temporarily lost. Her mother was sleeping in a chair next to her.
Her Mom jolted awake at the sound of her daughter's voice. “Oh baby,” she said and kissed her cheek gently, careful not to hurt her fragile face.
“Mom, where’s Craig?”
Her mother’s eyes began to fill up with tears.
“Mom, where are my children?” That sickening feeling in Aoife’s stomach and physical pain she had felt in her heart over a decade earlier had returned.
Her mother shook her head. “I’m sorry baby, they didn’t make it.”
Aoife laid her head back in the pillow and let out a wail that would haunt her mother forever. It was a sound only a mother who had lost her children could make. A sound no one should neither make nor hear. But here was Aoife, wailing in the trauma in of the loss of her family, in the realization that she’ll never hold her children or hold her husband again. All she wanted to do was tell them that she loved them and that she was sorry. And she would, every day and night until the day she died, but they would never hear her.
As the weeks and months past, Aoife’s pain never subsided. She fell into a deep depression, moved in with her mother, and spent her day doing chores around the house or watching TV. On Wednesday’s her mother would bring her to her therapy session. That was the only time she left the house. She didn’t want to live anymore. She didn’t think she deserved it. She thought that she killed her family and if they couldn’t live, why should she. She thought about killing herself plenty of times, but she was always too afraid too. And she hated herself more for that. So she decided that she would live but it would be a miserable existence. As punishment to herself for what she did.
One night, Aoife sat up in bed. The television had some reality TV show on that she wasn’t watching. As far as she was aware, she was alone, with just her and her thoughts.
“I hate you.” She said to herself. She looked left, at the mirror built into her wardrobe door. She rolled off the bed and kneeled, looking at herself in the mirror.
“I hate you.” She said again, stronger this time.
“Why don’t you just fucking die!” She screamed and punched the mirror. She held hermits in pain, it was bleeding and the mirror was cracked. Her mother came into the room.
“Aoife, what did you do? Let me help you, honey.” She brought her to the bathroom where she cleaned her wound and bandaged it up.
“I know it’s hard Aoife. I don’t even know what to tell you, or how to help you. I just want you to forgive yourself. You’re not a bad person.”
“How can I forgive myself, mom?” Aoife asked through her tears.
Her mother helped her back to her room. She turned off the TV and light. “I love you, honey. I’ll see you in the morning. Maybe we could go out for a walk?”
“Maybe.” Aoife responded”
“Goodnight,” her mother said and closed the door softly.
Aoife cried some more that night, as she did most nights. She fell asleep and she dreamt. She dreamt of Colm. Colm said that he was sorry again for hurting her and that he was glad that she was found happiness with her family. "They're waiting for you," he said.
She dreamt of her old school bully, Emma, who gave her the finger and spat at her. "Some things never change," she thought to herself.
She then saw her family. She saw her children, who came running towards her and she hugged and kissed them and she told them that she loved them. She cried with joy, as she did most nights when she dreamt of her children. They asked her would she bring them to the park and she said,of course she would. And she saw her husband Craig. Craig kissed her on the forehead and put an arm around her. Aoife began to cry and said she was sorry. She told Craig that they deserved better and she wished it was her that died and not them. Craig kissed her on the forehead again and said “It’s okay hun, you're here now. Come on guys, let’s got to the park.
And then there was….. nothing.
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