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writing-good-vibes · 3 years

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brad dourif characters x reader headcanons: marriage

marriage isn't for everyone but if you did tie the knot, there is no way it wouldn't be a wild ride with all of them, one way or another. warning for smut (mild).

charles lee ray

no one could ever accuse this man of being a romantic

(except he really, really is)

legally he doesn't care if you get married or not

but you suggest it first (not a proposal) and you both mutually agree to it

then he sort of proposes (with a ring and flowers) after you've already agreed

if you want a legal marriage it would have to be before any of his murders are he is known to the police

(he's already known for petty crime but getting married would really blow his cover if he's already a wanted murderer)

you go to the nearest courthouse and have a bare minimum ceremony

he wears the nicest suit he already owns

and you go out and get a white dress that you could wear again to a bar

you sign the papers

then you consummate your love in the ladies toilets

whether you go on honeymoon depends on how much money you have at the time

either you go to a tacky wedding motel or you stay in and don't leave the apartment for a week

either way you're having a lot of sex

like seriously

jack dante

it's hard work to get him to actually go through with the wedding

he is actually the one to propose to you

after sex of course

"babe, we should like, get hitched"

he means it, he does, but maybe in a more metaphorical way??

it takes some nagging but you finally get him to go down to the courthouse with you

there is definitely a legal/financial aspect of your marriage

like he may be the wild card employee but he gets paid ludicrously well for everything he contributes to the company (and to try and keep a little bit under control)

if something happened to him (and he has no doubt one day bob might just have him bumped off) he may as well give everything to you, there's no one else for it to go to

neither of you dress up for the ceremony

but you do buy some tacky bridal lingerie to wear underneath

another bare minimum ceremony

it's not your first rodeo doing it in a public restroom

it's almost romantic, a repeat of your first time

the white lacy panties are surprisingly very appreciated

you have to convince him to move back to his old apartment together now that you're married instead of hiding away at CHAANK

he honestly probably forgets you're even married until you bring it up

billy bibbit

he proposes to you

one day while you're at home on a sunday afternoon

lay together on the couch while you read

"h-hey, i h-h-have sssomething to a-ask you"

his stutters gets a tiny bit worse and you worry something is up

"l-l-listen, I-I rrreally love y-you a-a-a-and I-" he has to pause and collect himself

but you already know what he's going to ask and you can't keep from smiling

"w-will you m-m-mmmarry me?"

you throw your book aside and throw your arms around him

"yes! yes, of course I will billy!"

billy is a good christian boy so you have a good christian church wedding (unless you have other religious/secular preferences)

it's a very small wedding

only your favourite family members and closest friends come

same with billy

he feels incredibly guilty for not inviting his mother, but he hasn't seen her since he finally discharged himself from the hospital

you reassured him and remind him that this is the start of your lives together

he looks so dapper in his suit

you help him pick it out

he insists he doesn't want to see your dress until the big day

he cries when he sees you walk up the aisle

loves calling you his wife, and you calling him husband makes him feel wanted

puts your wedding photo in every room and carries it around in his wallet

sheriff brackett

he didn't expect he'd ever find someone he'd want to marry

(what with his last marriage ending the way it did)

when he realises he's truly in love with you, and you with him, he plans his proposal

it's nothing extravagant but it's absolutely perfect

you have a romantic dinner together and he does a whole speech about how much he loves you

and you see where it's going but you let him go on for a minute until you're like "do you want to ask me something?"

he flusters about it but is very cute and finally pops the question

"i - sweetie, i'd be honoured to make you my wife, will you marry me?"

you have a church wedding (unless you have other religious/secular preferences)

close family and friends only

cries when you walk down the aisle

annie gets very invested in helping with the planning and is probably more bothered about it than either of you are

you have a (very) classy dress

loves that he can call you his wife now !! the sheriff's wife !!

reception at your house, classic buffet

lowkey you both cannot wait untl everyone just leaves

*wink wink*

you do have a first dance in private though after everyone leaves

you're both soft and giggling and the song is a cheesy love song but it's perfect

your wedding night is the height of romance

your bridal lingerie really does it for him

what better start for your marriage than him making you cum so many times that you lose count?

doc cochran

you and doc didn't think you'd get married at all

neither of you felt the need to make anything official

you both consider yourself as his common law wife anyway

but something happens (either you get pregnant or some unrest with the camp politics makes the future seem uncertain) you decide you may as well tie the knot officially

there's no real proposal, he just sort of asks

you go to the Grand where E.B (being mayor) unfortunately has to officiate

you don't intend to invite anyone, saying it is no one elses business

but people catch wind (i.e. al, trixie and jane, merrick, maybe sol and seth) and basically invite themselves

you wear your best dress

and doc doesn't half scrub up well

Al invites you both back for a drink at the gem which you accept

("only one though, al" "sure, sure, you gotta get back home - the marriage bed is waiting - I understand")

the marriage bed is waiting though and you get kind of emotional when you go home together for the first time as husband and wife

funnily enough no one shows up at doc's that night for treatment and you have the whole night to yourselves

grima wormtongue

it takes you both a long time before you admit your feelings for each other and commit to having a relationship rather than a friends with benefits situation

marriages move fairly quickly in middle earth

no sooner are you engaged are you at the alter

wedding is moderately fancy because grima is doing pretty well being the king's adviser

few people actually show up who don't have to be there though because neither of you exactly have a lot of friends

grima almost clams up when it comes the ceremony because he doesnt want to say all this personal stuff about how much he loves you in front of other people

but you both get through it and finally, finally you are properly married

he's very emotional when you consummate your marriage but he tries to hide it

(but you know him too well)

tommy ludlow

he proposes one morning after sex

it's only just getting light and you both have to get up for work soon

you're still sweaty and his face is pressed into your neck

and in hushed tones you whisper back and forth

"will you marry me?"

it takes you a second to process what he said, "you wanna get married?"

"if you'll have me"

you kiss him and whisper "yes"

it's a church wedding for you and tommy (unless you have other religious/secular preferences)

he has a pretty big extended family and he has to invite them all

your dress and his suit are second hand

(because you're saving for better things)

laura takes a lot of photos for you

including the classic confetti toss one as you leave the church

takes you ages to comb all the confetti out of tommy's hair afterwards

cheesy first dance at the wedding reception

you can tell tommy is nervous so you joke around and make sure he doesn't take it too seriously

when you get home? goddamn you ride him like there's no tomorrow

(still in your wedding dress)

leo nova

it's go big or go home with him

80s fashion at its best

your dress is worth more than the rent on your old apartment

he doesn't see it before the wedding

you're surprised at how many traditions he sticks too despite him having the emotional range of a teaspoon

not many people get an invite to the ceremony but it's a wild after party

like a bunch of coked out 80s gangsters ?? amazing

the honeymoon is next level

you go to some tropical holiday resort (caribbean, thailand or spain) and it is all sun, sex and sangria for two whole weeks

tucker cleveland

didn't think he'd want to get married again

but in reality he just didn't like his first wife all that much

takes you out to dinner and proposes

when you say yes he is honestly relieved

but because he doesn't want to get emotional he calls over the waiter to get your free dessert

courthouse wedding

you do insist he wears a suit though and you buy a white dress

does the whole "just married" thing on the back of his truck

actually takes you on a honeymoon (sort of)

you go out of state and stay in a motel for a week

(vigorous sex ensues)

now you're married good and proper you can be his good little wifey

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britesparc · 3 years

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Weekend Top Ten #498

Top Ten Movie Cameos

The first time I think I ever noticed someone cameoing in a movie was Steven Spielberg. I was watching The Blues Brothers, and there was this guy, who I was sure was Mr. The Berg. I must have seen him in some behind-the-scenes something or the other. But he was a director, not an actor, so it couldn’t have been him, right? Then years later I was reading Empire, and sure enough, I was vindicated. It was indeed the play mountain himself. But more on that later.

So, cameos, then. What is a cameo? Now, in my opinion, I think it really has to be small. Really, it should just be one scene – or even one shot. The smaller the better. I’ve seen people online refer to Judi Dench in Shakespeare in Love or Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder as cameos, which is very, very daft, as those are clearly supporting roles – even if they are quite small (and remember, Dench didn’t win her Oscar for “Best Cameo”, she won it for “We Meant To Give You This Last Year”, which is a very important category in the Oscars). I also think the best cameos should be unexpected; a nice surprising treat. And usually they’re funny – the incongruity of seeing that person in this film. Because that’s the other thing: for a cameo to really work, the person cameoing has to be kinda famous. For instance, some might say that Ashley Johnson in The Avengers is a cameo, but whilst she’s obviously awesome and prodigiously talented, I don’t think she’s instantly recognisable enough (which, y’know, she’s mostly famous as a voice actor); also there’s nothing inherently funny or surprising about her role, she’s a waitress who’s saved by Captain America. It doesn’t feel like it’s saying anything to have Johnson play that role, other than I guess Joss Whedon wanted her in the movie (it’s actually funnier that her brief scene is referenced in Loki, because Kate Herron had the whole of the MCU to draw from in a montage, but chose to use an unknown character who’s in one tiny bit of one film, entirely because she’s a huge fan of The Last of Us – see, that is arguably a cameo).

So my rationale for what is and isn’t a cameo might seem complex or even arbitrary, but when has that stopped me in the past? And so, with no further ado, we now get deep into the weeds of it and celebrate my favourite movie cameos of all time. Oh, and there’s no Bill Murray here; I know, I know, it’s a really famous cameo, but, er, I’ve never seen Zombieland. Sorry.

Stan Lee in Pretty Much Everything (2000-2019): I mean, who else? The absolute King of Cameos. Lee was a massive publicity hound all his life, and passed up no opportunity to get in front of the camera, so once big, proper movies were being made of his comics, he was right there, selling hot dogs in X-Men (2000), rescuing children in Spider-Man (2002), and then right through every MCU film until his sad death in 2019 (and even popping up in Teen Titans!). Hearing him tell Miles Morales “I'm going to miss him,” in Into the Spider-Verse chokes me up every time.

Carrie Fisher & George Lucas in Hook (1991): this has always been one of my favourites because unlike virtually every other entry in this list, you only know this if you’ve been told. But it’s funny and it’s sweet. When Tinkerbell takes Peter to Neverland, she flies over a bridge, where a silhouetted couple are seen canoodling. Her pixie dust falls across them, and they begin to float into the air. And apparently the unrecognisable couple are played by Princess Leia and the director of Star Wars. Which, I think you’ll agree, is pretty cool (Hook is really good for cameos).

Brad Pitt in Deadpool 2 (2018): having an invisible character offers plenty of opportunity for some good gags, especially in a Deadpool movie, but the real laugh in the film comes when the Vanisher is electrocuted and we get to see his face for a split second. And – ha – it turns out to be the hugely mega-famous Brad Pitt. It’s funny because he’s a massive star.

Martin Sheen in Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993): it’s one thing for the movie to do an Apocalypse Now gag, as Charlie Sheen’s Topper Harley sails down a river on a military boat, but hanging a lampshade on it by making it cross over with Martin Sheen’s Willard from the classic seventies Vietnam epic is another thing entirely. And then both actors notice each other – ha, funny, they’re father and son in real life – and say in unison, “I loved you in Wall Street!”. Very on-the-nose all the funnier for it.

Steven Spielberg in The Blues Brothers (1980): well, I mentioned him, and here he is, a totally nonplussed-looking administrator bloke just merrily eating a sandwich. He’s frightfully young (I’m guessing he was probably about 32 or 33) and he’s got a big brown tache instead of his usual ‘Berg Beard, he’s dressed very smartly and he’s awfully polite. His demeanour is hilariously in stark contrast to the mayhem around him, and his public persona is also hilariously in contrast to the raucous and ribald mood of the movie.

Cate Blanchett in Hot Fuzz (2007): this is one I didn’t even notice till I read about it after seeing the movie. In a very funny scene where Simon Pegg’s Nick Angel chats to his ex-girlfriend Janine, she is head-to-toe in forensic gear throughout, with a mask covering her face, so all we see are her eyes. But the gag of it is, she’s played by the phenomenally famous Cate Blanchett. You get a megastar to do one scene but make her unrecognisable. So funny it beats Peter Jackson’s evil Santa.

Don Ameche & Ralph Bellamy in Coming to America (1988): this is another one I remember finding hilarious when I was a kid. Walking down the street late at night with love interest Lisa (Shari Headley), Akeem (Eddie Murphy) nonchalantly gives a huge wad of cash to some poor homeless bums. But it turns out that they’re played by Murphy’s old Trading Places co-stars Ameche and Bellamy – and they refer to each other by their character names from that earlier film. “We’re back!” declares Ameche, referencing the end of Trading Places, when their crooked broker characters were defeated and ruined by Murphy and Dan Aykroyd. It’s a great bit of shared-universe tomfoolery, and very funny for fans of Murphy’s movies. Oh, and speaking of Aykroyd…

Dan Aykroyd in Casper (1995): in 1995 it had been six long, bitter years without a new Ghostbusters film; back then, we could still hold out hope for a proper Ghostbuster 3. Sadly that never came to pass, but it was a very pleasant surprise when Ray Stantz himself popped up in Casper, of all things, fearfully running out of Whipstaff Manor in full ghostbusting regalia and declaring, “Who ya gonna call? Someone else!”. I mean, after facing down Gozer and Vigo and who knows what else, you’d think three sarcastic arsehole ghosts would be no match for him, but maybe the ‘busters were having tough times. Maybe this will all be backstory in Ghostbusters: Afterlife. Maybe Cathy Moriarty and Eric Idle will return the favour and do cameos of their own. We can but hope.

Matt Damon, Luke Hemsworth, & Sam Neill in Thor: Ragnarok (2017): twenty years ago you could point to Goldmember as the, er, gold standard in multi-character cameo pile-ups. And while that is great – Danny DeVito giving the finger, Spielberg back-flipping – I think it’s been surpassed by this minor gaggle of stars hamming it up. Matt Damon – famouser than anyone actually billed in the movie – is An Actor Playing Loki. Dr. Alan Grant from Jurassic Park is An Actor Playing Odin (whilst Odin’s actor, Anthony Hopkins, plays Tom Hiddleston playing Loki playing Odin – do keep up), and Thor’s Real-Life Brother plays An Actor Playing Thor. It’s all delightfully meta and hilarious.

Ollie Johnston & Frank Thomas in The Incredibles (2004): this one’s really sweet, and like the Hook cameo, would very easily slip you by. At the end of the film, after the climactic battle, two old men cheer on the superheroes – “That’s old school!” “Yep, no school like the old school!” – but what’s great is that they’re voiced by – and designed to look like – Ollie Johnston and Frank Thomas, the last two surviving members of the famous “Nine Old Men” group of Disney animators, who’d worked on many of the classic Disney films. This was Pixar and director Brad Bird giving a tip of the hat to the legends who came before them, and made all the sweeter by the fact that Johnston and Thomas (both sadly now deceased) were absolute best buds in real life. A cameo that educates and makes you think! How nice!

There you go. Sadly no room for any of the many great Star Wars cameos, from Daniel Craig through to George Lucas’ entire family. Oh well!

#top ten #cameos #stan lee #thor #hook #incredibles #ghostbusters #eddie murphy #deadpool #steven spielberg #hot fuzz

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talostheskrullappreciationblog · 5 years

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Some thoughts about FFH from someone who already heard all the spoilers

(contains spoilers, of course)

This is not the movie's fault, obviously, but the ads before it were about 30 minutes long, that's way too long. When the sony logo came on I was like "Oh, right. I came here to watch a movie." Not coo

While I was watching it, I realized that it was never stated in the movies that Peter likes MJ. We all knew that, but it wasn't a thing before. We just took it for granted, same with MJ knowing that Peter is Spider-Man

Talos is really mean, but okay, I understand him. I don't know if that's genuinely what he thinks of Nick, but that's fair. I love him

I love Happy. He's so supportive of Peter. Especially the jet scene

Oh, the jet scene. I could talk about it again and again. Happy supporting Peter. Peter building his new suit using all those smart words I don't understand. And god, I miss Tony, but at least there's someone who won't be him, because we all know nobody can be another Tony Stark, but who will, in some way, continue his legacy

Oh, I hated Beck. Every time he seemed to support Peter hurt so much because I knew what was coming. Especially the bar scene. The way he was playing it. Jake Gyllenhaal playing Beck playing Mysterio. Wonderful.

Side note, in the scene directly after the bar scene, after Peter has left, Beck says that one of his goons came up with the persona of Quentin? I might be misunderstanding but it sounded to me like he was saying that Quentin was just a fake name. Probably not, but what if it is? What's his real name then?

MJ. God I love her. There's so much more of her in this movie and she was amazing. She was smart and funny and had amazing chemistry with Peter. I loved the scene on the bridge

Brad was so... unnecessary? His character was boring to me and MJ clearly didn't seem to like him the way he liked her, which is nice, to be honest, but I just didn't see any of his personality

The illusions scene. Oh gosh, it was wonderful. It was terrifying, sure, but I loved it so much

I did not see that train coming. And honestly, that's kinda brutal. You talk about how you don't want to kill Peter, and you just throw him under a train. The way that he could, as we saw, survive it. But the way that must hurt a lot. You have freaking drones that could probably take people out easily. Why, just why

I should have put it somewhere earlier but the memorial video made me unsure whether I should laugh or cry. It was beautiful. I couldn't have made anything more beautiful, even if I tried. Helped me a bit with my depression over endgame. It's two months too late, but well, better late than never

Ned and Betty were really cool. I love the way their relationship started. To be fair, if I had to spend so much time on an airplane, I wouldn't be surprised if I got together with the person sitting next to me. The longest flight I ever took was less than 6 hours and I almost went crazy, so I understand that (that's why I'm never going to America)

I loved JK Simmons being back! It's been a while since I watched the older spiderman movies, but I loved his role in Gravity Falls so I was looking forward to seeing him after I've heard that he's in this movie

It was the first time I can remember when nobody left the cinema before the mid credits scene. Half of the people left right after it, which was a shame because they missed my favourite green aliens, but well, nothing is ever perfect

I miss Tony Stark. That illusion scene with the Iron Man suit was absolutely terrifying

None of this would've happened if Tony was still alive

Peter deserved vacation and peace and now he's screwed. Thank you very much Beck

Props to the two teachers who were like "oh, we're completely changing where we go doing our trip? That's totally fine, at least we got all that for free!", which I can understand, especially considering that it all happened after the "blip"

The blip. Why is it called a blip. What does that even mean.

Overall, I liked the movie quite a bit. I mostly came for Talos and Soren and MJ and I wasn't disappointed. I'm glad Marvel didn't forget about Talos, as I was worried that he might not come back soon. But he did! And so did Soren! I wonder what their kid is up to now. There's a chance they're on this big ship with all those other Skrulls and Fury. I wonder what's gonna happen there. I'm very excited and honestly, I might go see more Marvel movies if there are gonna be Skrulls there. Maybe not on the premiere, but I'll probably see them some time after that. Congrats, MCU, you've won me over again. You're not completely forgiven but I can ignore that for now if you give me more of what I want.

#talos #spiderman #spiderman far from home #far from home #peter parker #mj #nick fury #quentin beck #ffh spoilers #far from home spoilers #ned leeds #happy hogan #tony stark

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miasswier · 4 years

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miasswier’s ultimate glee ranking: no 9

9: Sectionals

Written by: Brad Falchuk Directed by: Brad Falchuk

Overall Thoughts: I adore this episode. It’s in my top three favourite episodes of season one. Everything about it is pure Glee – the Glee I fell in love with, and which still makes me cry like a baby and shout “that’s my fucking show you guys!” to this day. It’s the clubs first competition and it’s so incredible to watch them go out there and, against all odds, actually win. It makes my heart swell just thinking about it. Dear god I love this episode.

What I Like:

Is it a cop out to say everything? Probably. But I really want to say everything. (Okay, no, there are some things I don’t like. But can I say almost everything?)

Mercedes standing up for herself and delivering one of her very best solos of all time. To the point where even Rachel can’t tell her that she’s not good enough and Rachel should step in. It’s amazing to watch. Mercedes literally takes my breath away.

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think Rachel was in the right to tell Finn about Quinn and Puck. I know she did it for the wrong reasons, but this had really gone on long enough. Finn wasn’t the father of Quinn’s baby, and he had every right to know that. As much as I adore Quinn (and I do) she was most definitely, 100%, without a shadow of a doubt, in the wrong about keeping this a secret from Finn for so long.

The phone conversation between most of the Glee club. It’s so awesome to see them all as friends outside of the club. The fact that Brittany and Santana were a part of it just made it even better. And, speaking of…

The official beginning of Brittana! I know it was shitty of Brittany to say that, but this is still the first time it’s explicitly stated that something beyond friendship is happening between the two cheerleaders. It’s still so amazing to me to watch where they are here in season one, knowing where they’ll end up. I love Brittana so much you guys.

Emma standing up for the Glee club to the other choir directors. It’s always so awesome to watch Emma stand her ground and really give someone a good shellacking. She’s rarely given the opportunity to be assertive, and it’s too bad because Jayma Mays plays it so well.

Anna Camp’s cameo! I always forget that she’s in this episode and it’s always such an awesome surprise when she shows up (even if her character is ableist as fuck)

I don’t care for Will and Emma, but I still sob watching Will run down the hall trying to catch Emma before she leaves. Blame it on the nostalgia?

Miss Hitchens going to admit that her team cheated. She’s a minor character, but it’s really nice so see that, even though she made a mistake, she’s willing to own up to it and learn and grow.

Quinn telling Puck that she doesn’t want to be with him just because Finn broke up with her. It was really grown up and just a really awesome moment.

Quinn and Rachel talking, and Quinn admitting that she isn’t mad at Rachel. It’s sweet, but I also appreciate that it ends with Quinn asking Rachel to leave.

The fact that Finn and Rachel aren’t shown to get together in this episode. Even if it’s implied in the next one, it’s nice that they didn’t jump straight from Finn/Quinn to Finn/Rachel within seconds. Plus, it’s such a jam-packed episode that there really isn’t time for it.

Terri talking about going to therapy. That’s one thing I’ve always appreciated about this show – how they normalize the idea of going to therapy, and eventually being medicated. This only got better as the seasons went on.

I know I already mentioned Will and Emma, but that whole ending montage is just absolutely fantastic.

The whole competition set list is fantastic. One of their best competitions, by far.

Sue getting suspended. Let me be very clear: I love Sue. But she’s a little shit, and Principal Figgins actually doing his job for once is really refreshing.

What I Don’t Like:

Emma pushing back her wedding to go to Sectionals. Come on, Emma. She’s right not to be surprised that Ken left her.

Um… that’s basically it.

Songs

And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going: THIS SONG YOU GUYS. Chills. Literal chills. And tears. So many tears. I love Mercedes Jones so fucking much oh my god. She’s just so incredible and so talented and just… WOW.

Don’t Rain on My Parade: This is the Rachel solo. I mean, we all know it. She kills it, she sounds amazing, and she blows everyone, including the viewer, away. It’s nice, too, because she’s barely done any show choir ballads yet – it’s mostly been top forty, which I personally don’t like her voice in that much. This song is more in her wheelhouse, and is absolutely fantastic.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want: I mean, it’s no Don’t Stop Believing, but it’s still fantastic. The choreography is simple, which makes it believable that they just put it together. Finn and Rachel sound really good, which makes it one of the few “group numbers” in which I have no objection of them taking lead. Overall a strong closing number (even if the implication is that they actually closed with Somebody to Love)

My Life Would Suck Without You: This cover literally makes me weep, okay? Everyone doing the dances from iconic performances, singing together and sounding awesome, just being so goddamn happy that they won; then pair that with Will running to try and catch up with Emma, his future fucking wife? I’m weak, okay? Weak. Also, much like Jump, this is one of those Glee songs that I’m just like… this is my show, okay? This is my fucking show and I love it so much.

Final Thoughts: Amazing episode, 10/10 would recommend. Seriously. It’s just… awesome. I just watched it and I feel like watching it again, that’s how good it is.

#ultimate glee ranking

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miasswier · 6 years

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miasswier’s ultimate glee ranking: no 84

84: Sexy

Written by: Brad Falchuk Directed by: Ryan Murphy

Overall Thoughts: This is the last episode in a small crop of “I don’t really dislike this episode, but I don’t really like it that much either” episodes. It’s at the top because I really like the way the Klaine/Kurt and Brittana stories are dealt with, but still so low on my ranking list because I just can’t stand the other stories in this episode.

What I Like:

The Brittana story is finally picking up speed, and it’s so amazing to watch. First of all, I love that it was Brittany who made the effort to get the conversation going, not only because Santana never would have, but also because it shows that Brittany does truly and deeply care about Santana (something that doesn’t always come across). I like that they made the decision to talk to an adult (even if their choice in adult was questionable, but to be fair, who else would they talk to), that they followed through with singing the song, and that they had that very important conversation at the end. It’s so amazing to see Santana be open and honest about her feelings for Brittany, in a way she’s never been with anybody else. She isn’t trying to get with Brittany for status, or because she knows it’ll piss someone else off, or for revenge, or anything like that. She just wants to be with Brittany, and that comes across so perfectly in this absolutely heartwrenching scene. God, I love that scene.

Also, this is such a small thing, but I felt so emotional when Santana was telling Brittany that she thinks sex is better when it doesn’t involve feelings, because we now know that the person she’s saying that to? Is her future wife. HER WIFE. God.

“I’m not following” “It’s jazzercise, Will, it’s not that hard”

Kurt looking so offended when Blaine says he doesn’t think people know who Joan Armatrading is.

That whole scene with Kurt/Blaine/Sue

Look, honestly, just everything about Klaine in this episode. The “Animals” sequence, Kurt looking like he thinks Blaine saying “we’ll figure something out” means he’s going to have sex with him to show him the ropes, Kurt being so terrible at being sexy, “The touch of the fingertips is as sexy as it gets”, Kurt looking so upset at the idea of Blaine having slept with people before (because you know that’s what he really meant when he said he didn’t want to know the graphic details)... Just. Everything.

The scene with Blaine and Burt (which I think is also the first scene we see with just Blaine and another character without Kurt involved?)

The sex talk scene with Kurt and Burt.

Seriously, I always seem to forget that there such a huge Klaine story in this episode and it always surprises me in the best possible way.

“It’s pretty cool that our girlfriends are such good friends. Wish you and I were that close.”

“Wait, cucumbers can give you AIDS?” “Seriously? Because I just had some on my salad.”

What I Don’t Like:

Santana manipulating Brittany into cheating on Artie by telling her it isn’t cheating because “the plumbing’s different”. Yikes.

Santana immediately telling Tina about Brittany being pregnant when Brittany specifically asked her not to tell anyone.

Holly Holiday.

More specifically, the way that Holly Holiday doesn’t seem to be able to realize that it’s possible to be sex-positive without shaming people who choose not to have sex. She makes some really good points about wanting to educate the kids about safe sex, which I think is really, really important, but then she takes it too far and starts calling the kids who openly say they don’t want to have sex “frigid”.

On the other side of the spectrum, I’m really annoyed that Emma has taken her own issues regarding sexuality and is trying to use them to stop kids from learning about sex in a safe environment. She, like most abstinence-only educators, seems to be under the impression that if they simply don’t teach teenagers about sex, they won’t have it. That’s false. They will have it, it’ll just be unsafe, and more likely to result in an STI or a pregnancy.

The whole Holly and Will romance was so unnecessary and ate up way too much time in this episode and in “Night of Neglect”.

Glee never fully fleshed out Emma’s issues with sex and sexuality. Here we have her as a married woman who still hasn’t had sex, even though she’s been married for four months. The only reason we’re given for that is that she’s still in love with Will, but I’m not satisfied with that. She has clearly had issues with sex from before she was in love with Will, so obviously it’s not just that she’s specifically waiting for Will for this. Is it because of her OCD? Sex is messy, there’s no escaping that, and there’s only so much showering and laundry you can do before and after the fact. Is Emma asexual? Demisexual? The way the show portrays her very clearly points to demisexual, but she claims to love Carl, so why hasn’t sexual desire followed that deep emotional connection? What is it about Will, specifically, that makes her so unwilling to have sex with anyone else, even her fucking husband? GIVE ME MORE, GLEE, I AM NOT SATISFIED WITH YOUR LAME “she loves Will so she won’t sleep with Carl” EXCUSE. Especially since we know she doesn’t even sleep with Will until they’ve been dating for a whole season (and when they do they do it in the worst possible way ugh).

Similarly, I really wish we’d gotten to see more in regards to Kurt and his relationship with sex. I think it’s really cool that they created a male character whose entire world didn’t just revolve around jumping into bed with the first person who would let him (though I do find it a little suspicious that the character they chose for this just so happened to be the gay one), but they didn’t really follow it up with anything. There was one attempted scene at follow up in “The First Time” that got cut, but even that was lame and clearly meant for comedic purposes, not actual character analysis. Kurt very clearly has zero interest in sex when this episode airs, not even seemingly in the idea of sex. Yet by the time “The First Time” airs, it’s Kurt who is pushing for more, who is growing frustrated with the boundaries they’ve set. So what changed? Similarly, after Kurt and Blaine start having sex, it’s clear that Kurt’s relationship to sex changes. We see it in “I Do”, we see it in “Previously Unaired Christmas”, but we never get anything explicit about it. It’s implied that Kurt and Adam have had sex, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he’d slept with Walter, but again, it’s never explicitly stated. Kurt is a character who was shown to not care about sex, then want to have sex but only with one person, then implied to be more open about sex, but we never got to see the journey of that or even get one small conversation about it. Even if there had just been a scene between Kurt and Rachel, or Kurt and Santana in season four talking about how his relationship to sex changed, I would have been happy. But we never get that. Instead, we get a whole lot of character development but with nothing specific to back it up, so it ends up looking almost inconsistent. It’s too bad, because I think this could have been a really cool story to tell, that also could have dealt with homophobic stereotypes and Kurt’s self-esteem issues.

Puck and Lauren’s story has always made me uncomfortable, but now it absolutely makes my skin crawl.

Ugh, seriously. Holly Holiday. Why does she even exist.

Songs:

Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah): Eh, it’s an okay song, and it’s cool how everyone gets into it, but it’s definitely not an appropriate song to be singing to students. For once, I agree with Will – too much.

Animal: This song is fantastic, and the performance is hilarious and just plain fun. I love it. I LOVE IT.

Kiss: I’m indifferent towards the song, but considering how much I dislike both Will and Holly it just makes me dislike the whole thing.

Landslide: Listen, I love this song. I really do. I love it with all my heart. It’s probably one of my all-time favourite Glee covers. That being said, why, oh why, did Holly have to sing this one with Brittany and Santana?! Especially considering she sings the whole damn song?!!?!?! Like, okay, I guess I could kind of justify it as Santana not feeling comfortable really singing her feelings for Brittany in front of everyone, so she wanted to hide behind a teacher to do it, but really it just feels like an excuse to make a moment that should have just been about Brittana also about Will/Holly. Ugh.

Afternoon Delight: Ah, I love it when Glee uses music to be funny. This performance is hilarious, and so is the reactions of everyone listening (especially Brittany, who is just genuinely enjoying it).

Final Thoughts: I don’t know why so many of the best Brittana episodes are so terrible in every other aspect. Granted, this one has a lot of awesome Klaine content too, but seriously, everything else is bad. It sucks, too, because the past few episodes have been so good, and obviously “Original Song” is fantastic, so what was the deal with this episode? This, and “A Night of Neglect” break up what could have been an amazing streak of episodes between 2x12 and 2x22. That would have probably been the longest running group of episodes that are just legitimately amazing. But no. Ugh.

#ultimate glee ranking

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