#to the point that I've ended relationships because i feel like having to be with someone as unattractive as me is an unfair burden to them

[moghedien]

honestly I'm just constantly obsessing over the Lae'zel romance scenes, but like I think I've finally decided which version of the duel (you winning or her) I prefer from just like a character standpoint.

because in the moment I went back and forth with both versions because I wasn't sure, but then ended up staying with the version where I win, and I think that's my preference now because it just feels like a subtler but more intense mind fuck to Lae'zel if you take everything that happened up into this point into account.

and do not get my wrong, i think the version where she wins is absolutely a mind fuck to her for many reasons, and I do love it. like her realizing that you aren't weak and she's like horrified at having hurt you and that very concept confusing her? amazing. we love her for it.

but if you win the duel, I feel like that forces her to recontextualize soo much more if you played the romance how I did at least. because basically any time she told me to submit, i did. I never tried to be the dominant one. I never even really teased her for being soft in certain circumstances or got snarky with her or got upset when she'd be like possessive and demeaning.

and I imagine that the githyanki sex rituals dictate that like the weaker one is submissive one and so obviously Lae'zel was the stronger one your relationship and if you did nothing to dissuade her of that fact then you obviously agree. there's no love or preference in it. There's just like desire and physical need and ability that decides who's doing what.

and I feel like this is backed up by the conversation when you can turn the one night stand into a two night stand, where she's like "you look weak and pathetic when you look at me. you look terrified." And also the fact that you can request that she stay and cuddle you afterward in that scene and she's like, baffled and upset by that suggestion. She calls it pointless grappling and a waste of muscles. like sex is combative to her. If you're not fighting for dominance or directly getting off in that moment, then what's the point? and if you embarrass her by suggesting she's never cuddled before, then she tries to get back at you by pointing out that she killed some kind of creature and you haven't. like do not get it twisted. dominance in sex is like expressly tied to actual strength and weakness outside of sex to her.

So if you win the duel? If you've been unquestioningly letting her dominant you in every sexual encounter and then only to turn around and fucking annihilate her in battle the first time you're actually going head to head, 1v1?

Imagine how much that must fuck with her perceptions what your relationship has been up until this point.

Because now its not even just her realizing that she has feelings for you that she doesn't know how to deal with. Oh no. She's realizing that every single time she's told you to submit and you did, its not because you couldn't dominate her. Its not because you were afraid of her or thought you were weaker than her. Its not because you couldn't flip things around on her. its not just that you were so lustful toward her that you submitted just to be able to have sex. It's because you specifically wanted to be the submissive one and you wanted her to do what she wanted with you.

You coulda kicked her ass at any time. And you never even tried. You never even hinted at it.

and god, the cuddling? You didn't want that just to distract or as some trick to exhaust her? You just wanted to cuddle? you wanted to be soft and hold each other just for the sake of it?

and the fact that its only after the duel that she asks you to be gentler with each other now and she says its the most terrifying thing she's ever done just kinda hammers that home for me. Because she realized it isn’t weakness that makes her (and you) want those things. It’s still scary to ask for though…

Like I'm just saying, if you've just unquestionably submitted to her and then you kick her ass, then she's not just grappling with the fact that she's having feelings. She's grappling with the fact that you've been having feelings this entire time and were much more aware of it than her, and that didn’t make you weak, so maybe it doesn’t make her weak either?

#lae'zel #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #lae’zel

[supercalime]

hellooo, fellow bucktommy shipper (and casual b*ddie enjoyer, if it weren't for the horrors...) here! i really liked your take on b*ddie st*ns and how they are now making super wild assumptions based on some latest interviews.

you know one thing that irks me? somehow nobody seems to talk about is the fact that in canon, buck isn't written to be in love with eddie at all. like, can we please talk about this??? because I'm all for Death Of The Author. OS can talk about ships all he wants but in the end, only the canon narrative matters to me personally. i've watched long-form content with endgame couples being set up in the pilot episodes who become canon many seasons later (bones, castle, grey's anatomy, the mentalist, etc.), and the entire point of such couples is to establish that, yes, they have been having romantic feelings all this time since day one. they do so very very obviously. there is zero subtlety or room for questioning.

one of the most common tropes is to give one or both characters (of the endgame couple) another love interest so that the endgame couple can be full of jealousy and pettiness every time that other love interest is mentioned or shown. having another love interests always endangers the original closeness of the endgame couple, and then the breakup propels the endgame couple forward in their relationship. the love interest is always used for comparisons, to make it abundantly clear that everybody else is lacking in some way. at no point in 911 did they do so with buck and eddie??? these dudes go through various romantic relationships, and never ever has it been any issue to the b*ddie dynamic. never was it talked about. never were hints dropped that one of them is jealous. even now, with bucktommy, eddie shows not a single ounce of jealously. on the other side, look at how they showed us buck being obviously jealous because eddie monopolized tommy's time even though buck wanted tommy time himself! buck couldn't stand the jealousy even a little bit, and he ended up literally hurting his bestie because of it. but whenever eddie is involved romantically and sexually with someone, there are zero signs that buck is bothered or threatened or jealous. they both seem super chill? they do not question at any point that them dating other people might hurt their relationship? logically, that must mean buck's never wanted to be romantically or sexually involved with eddie (and vice versa). at it's core, b*ddie has been written as a friendship. to this day, we have no canon proof for anything else.

i would not hate b*ddie to happen or anything. i do enjoy b*ddie fics (those that aren't super misogynist ♥). and i think it could be a great couple if done well! but as you said, even when buck thought eddie was hot... well, so what? that's literally just an objective observation. RG is handsome based on societal standards. chim and hen also immediately acknowledged that eddie was hot in 2x01, and both of them are Not At All romantically or sexually attracted to eddie either. nobody is questioning chim's or hen's sexuality based on the comments they made about eddie being hot. because nothing about this equals real romantic feelings or the desire to be in a relationship. the fandom understands that logic just fine with chim and hen. why not with buck, though? also, we have yet to see a reversed moment for eddie staring at buck and finding him hot. they had no problem to show eddie Immediately having a crush on ana flores when he first met her. this shows that eddie feels sexual attraction just fine. he was, however, never shown in canon to feel it for buck.

also interesting: even though buck found eddie hot when they first met, it did not trigger buck to seriously question his sexuality at any point in the past like, 5 years or so. in all those years of canon b*ddie friendship, the show has never used the plethora of opportunities to propel b*ddie into romantic or sexual territory. the show could have! but the show never did, so i refuse to let b*ddie st*ns or OS retcon this. if it's not in the canon material, it isn't canon. with tommy, it took only a couple of weeks and a handful of interactions for buck to reach a point of clarity about his sexuality. the most logical deduction imo is that buck simply clocked that eddie's hot (like everybody else, duh, he isn't special in that regard), and it's never meant anything deep.

my only real probem with this entire situation is how hardcore b*ddie st*ns are now using this as a justification to harass others even more (especially bucktommy shippers). i'd love to enjoy canon bucktommy and fanon b*ddie in peace! but the hate that b*ddie st*ns are spreading everywhere again (like with every new season and newly introduced love interest) is so overwhelming.

sorry for the long ass rant btw oopsie. feel free to ignore this. i just wanted to let it out and it seemed like you would understand. anyway, thanks for reading in case you got this far!

I’d never ignore a sensible take, anon! (I feel bad that you had to go anon but I understand. We know the drill by now, some stans are scary lol)

But like, ALL OF THIS!!!

Discourse like this is what takes away the enjoyment of media for me. It sucks that fandom experience can have two very extreme opposing sides, specially when it comes to two “competing” ships. You can kinda tell by how bucktommy shippers behave (I’m not trying to flex at all because I am one. A good majority of us has zero problem with b*ddie endgame even though we prefer the other. We like what we are getting and are happy to see this storyline play out) compared to b*ddie shippers (of course not all of them, I’m talking about the entitled ones. That clog comment sections, bother actors, go to the other ships tag to complain about it and say how their preferred ship is better, etc).

Im not immune to bad takes and bad fan behavior. Ive surely acted like these stans in other fandoms and i do regret it, so i hate seeing it happen again and again, no matter where i go.

Not to quote mean girls, but I wish we could all get along…

All that being said, whichever ship “wins”, it’s no one’s call but the writers and producers of the show. Someone told me that Tim writes for himself and doesn’t take outside factors (at least to an extent cause it’s impossible to not know the fan reaction) into consideration when it comes to where he wants the story to go.

#don’t apologize anon #im not a popular blog so getting a nice ask is always fun to read and respond to :) #lety rambles #ask #911 #bucktommy #tevan #firefly #firepilot #911 abc

[fourteentrout]

I've seen so much discourse about who Elain is gonna end up with and elriel shippers being like she's not even attracted to Lucien!!! and elucien shippers being like she's repressing her true feelings for him!!! though I don't have a particularly strong stance on the ship war overall (I do have my opinions but they're not the point of this post), it did get me thinking like...why IS Elain so attracted to Azriel?

Because to me, it looks like Lucien is everything she would've dreamed of as a human. A gentlemanly courtier, very connected with nature, obviously attractive (I mean come on even Cassian thinks he's hot), thoughtful, courageous, loyal, social, a High Lord's son. Not to say that Azriel doesn't share some of these qualities, but like Lucien is practically the blueprint for who Elain would have been interested in. It makes sense that they're mates.

But she's not willing to even acknowledge him, nevermind pursue a romantic relationship with him. But she is willing to do so with Azriel. Rugged, mysterious, quiet, headstrong, dangerous Azriel.

Lucien has tried to bring her comfort just as much as Azriel, but she won't give him the time of day.

My theory is, maybe he reminds her of what she could have had. Of what she lost. A Lord's son, someone she thought would love her unconditionally, someone used to the galas and the politics and the high society life. Graysen may have been different from Lucien personality-wise, but maybe deep down, she's afraid that if she grows close with someone who has similar social and political standing as him, the same thing will happen again. Maybe it's easier to be attracted to someone who's so different from what she'd originally wanted than it is to go through the same thing she went through before, which ended up in heartbreak.

I'm not saying she ONLY cares for Azriel because of these reasons. But I think it could be an explanation as to why she's so adamant about not wanting to even get to know Lucien, when really he's an assemblage of all the qualities she would have previously looked for in a romantic partner.

#elain archeron #elucien #elriel #elain x lucien #elain x azriel #acotar #a court of thorns and roses #elain a court of thorns and roses #acotar series

[writing-for-life]

WHAT DO YOU MEAN DREAM'S HAIR USED TO BE WHITE!! oh my god. i just saw your post about killala and i have now perished. thanks for breaking my heart.

but also hi!! i'm relatively new to the fandom and it's a great place to be. i haven't finished reading all the comics yet but i'm curious to know:

what do you think are the main differences between TV!Dream and Comics!Dream? i've heard so many people claiming that he is incapable of changing, for instance, and though the show does convey his overall rigidity pretty well, i'm not getting the vibe that he's immutable.

also!! it's clear that he feels a lot. which is always funny to me when the corinthian is like yo, try this and maybe you'll feel something for a change but like. he does!!! or i get the impression that he does. he probably feels too much if anything?? all of it simmering just beneath the surface, barely contained. how would you personally analyze his relationship with his own emotions?

i hope all of this is coherent enough for you to answer lmao, i saw your post about enjoying being asked sandman questions two seconds after i woke up and barged into your inbox. hope you have a lovely day!

Thanks so much for the ask, and welcome if you’re new(ish) to the fandom! 🤗

I’m sorry I broke your heart—much more heartbreak to come I fear if you haven’t read the comics yet, so I’ll try to keep this as spoiler-free as possible.

I am one of those people who believes the differences between comics!Dream and show!Dream are actually not as big as they are made out to be where it matters, and you will definitely find people who disagree. At the end of the day, we all read it through our own lens and will never be fully objective about it.

The main difference I see is that they filed off the rough edges of the comics a bit to make a new audience sympathise more. It’s very hard to do that with a character who is basically in full arsehole mode for most of the first 40 issues or so, and even then only slowly begins to come out of it (although we can obviously see glimmers of what lies below the surface at the beginning of the comics, too, but it’s far more subtle than in the show). I’ve worked in musical theatre for a over decade of my life and understand a bit about bringing the written word to stage/screen, and some things simply don’t translate well from book to stage/screen, and you have to change it. So my personal opinion is we get a more sympathetic Morpheus and certain changes so the audience can do exactly that—sympathise off the bat. You will lose an audience pretty quickly if they don’t care about the protagonist and the universe he moves in, and you can’t be as nuanced about it as you can be in a written work. We’re talking about streaming services thinking about profits here, even if people don’t want to hear it.

Also: The more you sympathise with a character, the deeper the emotional investment and the more you feel, even if it hurts.

Having said this, I don’t think Morpheus is incapable of change, and I never got where that idea comes from. His biggest flaw is that he believes he cannot change (and even he has moments when he admits he might have). In the introduction to Endless Nights, Neil Gaiman says that he was once asked to describe The Sandman in twenty-five words or less, and famously, it was this (you might have heard it):

“The Lord of Dreams learns that one must change or die, and makes his decision.”

And I think some people might have wrongly taken that for an either/or thing. I don’t want to say too much at this point because I don’t know how much you know (if you’d like spoilers or already know how it ends, let me know, I’ll happily expand on it). Only so much:

He is capable of change, also in the comics. Very obviously so. But just like he denies he has his own story (which also isn’t true), he denies he can change. Or at least he thinks he perhaps cannot change enough (it’s actually hard to write about this without giving everything away, help! 🙈).

As for his feelings: He does feel, but again, it is something he pushes down and will deny himself. Until it bursts to the surface and breaks through, and when that happens, it’s usually with, well, let’s say varying results, and that’s putting it mildly. Personally, I’d say he has problems relating to his feelings, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel. Quite the opposite in my view. He holds the collective unconscious—all unprocessed feelings and whatever else floats around in that collective mess, and it’s exactly what he says to the Corinthian in that famous scene: he needs to keep a lid on it and keep that lid firmly closed so all of it doesn’t consume him. But that also means denying himself the feelings that are linked to his own personhood (if you want to call it that). There’s Dream of the Endless, and then there’s Morpheus. And while they’re one and the same and inseparable, Morpheus is also the “point of view”. The character, the person, if you will. And deep down, he craves that personhood so badly. Out of all the Endless, he is the only one who basically collects names because they mean having something beyond his function, which is also mirrored in what he tells Death in “The Sound of her Wings”: he wants something more. He is the only one whose realm is populated with sentient beings (yes, I know Despair has rats, but I think you get my drift). He is desperately lonely and struggles with it. He seeks connection yet denies it to himself. That’s not someone who doesn’t feel.

I don’t know if this answers your questions at all—I was doing the wild “spoiler-free” dance 🤣 But please let me know if you want me to go a bit deeper, I love talking about this stuff.

You can also have a look at my metas if you haven’t already. The headers pretty much explain what they’re about and what spoiler-level to expect, but none of them are truly spoiler-free I guess:

Again, thanks so much for encroaching on my inbox, and feel free to follow up if anything was left unanswered.

@dreamaturgy ask answered

#the sandman #sandman #dream of the endless #morpheus #sandman meta #ask answered #send asks #sandman analysis #sandman character analysis #sandman comics #the sandman netflix

[sophiethewitch1]

Hey! I just wanted to say that I love the WWW series so much that I've literally read it like 4 times over. SO! I have several questions + observations about it that have been bugging me a little, if you don’t mind answering + talking about them.

Everyone’s ages are something that I've been curious about. I know that it’s stated that Damian and the Reader-insert are 3 years apart in age, 19 and 21 respectively. I’m assuming that they’re more like 2 1/2 years apart based on the ages we’ve been given.

Do they follow canon ages? For example, is Tim still around 7 years older than Damian???

Because i’m picturing the lineup looking something like this:

Bruce: 47

Dick: 33

Jason: 28

Tim: 26

Reader-insert: 21

Damian: 19

I was just curious because picturing everyone’s relative age is something that is really important to me when regarding the dynamics between characters.

Another thing that I noticed was how in the Reader-insert’s  original reality/world, her entire family died on the same day that Jason did. (“Your lives had both technically ended the same day, in the same grand calamity.”). Does that remain the same in this new world?

Because that would mean that the Reader-insert’s  counterpart would have known Jason at some point, which I think is SUPER interesting. Lots of implications.

That’s supported by something that Tim says in his 1st pov: “Your family had died, Bruce’s new wife had died, and all the siblings he never really got the opportunity to meet, gone in a brilliant flash.”

THAT has a few implications that I think are really interesting. It supports the idea that her family did die on the same day in this reality, and that she would have known and been living with Jason at the time (Well, before his death.)

Tim would have most likely only seen them at galas or something similar by that time…leading to his statement about how he “never really got the opportunity to meet” them.

This would mean that Jason knew her counterpart when the Reader-insert met him for the first time. 

Now, going off of all of those assumptions, I can only begin to guess what her and Dicks relationship was like before her family's death. I picture it like this:

Dick had only left the manor around 3 years TOPS before Bruce had remarried, bringing a whole nother family into the fold. Now, we don’t know too much about Dick in this story yet, (I'm SO excited to see more of him in the next chapter BTW) but I can assume that this would feel pretty upsetting. Leaving your home, and your adoptive? father only for him to marry into a whole new family not long after?

I’d be pretty bitter if it was me in his situation. I wouldn’t really want to have any kind of relationship with the new children he had taken in. MEANING that Dick and the counterpart didn’t have too much of a relationship before her family's death.

And between their death and Jason’s, Dick would probably consider the counterpart as some kind of chance to actually build a relationship with his siblings in the light of what he lost. Obviously, the counterpart didn’t appreciate the attempt.

Uhhh there’s probably a lot more that I'm forgetting to mention, but I think the way you write is super compelling, and the Reader-Insert has been the only one that I’ve ever read that I can relate to so well!

So TYSM for writing, it literally makes my day!! 🩷🩷🩷🫂🫂🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

(And I’m really bad at conveying my tone in text, so if I seem overly critical or anything then I’m really sorry!!! I don’t mean it like that!!!)

Sorry this took so long to answer I have been in sickly victorian woman mode. I'll answer these questions to the best that I can, but also I don't have everything planned and even if I did I regularly forget shit if I don't write it down <3 <3

First of all the ages- I aged both the younger Waynes up and the older ones down a bit, because I'm personally not into the super huge age gaps but also. Imagine them however you want, even if they come up later in continuity still just insert your personal preferences if you want. Like it really doesn't matter lmao they're relationship has bigger issues than the age gaps. Anyway here are how I had them written down but I might change my mind I am a fluid being

Reader: 21, Damian: 19, Tim: 22, Jason: 25, Dick: 29, Bruce: 45, Alfred: 67, Molly: Also 21, Cass: 25, Stephanie: 23, Barbara: 30, Duke: 20

Also yes, reader's family died the exact same day in both universes, and first world reader like... knew about the waynes but wasn't particularly interested in them till their own family was ripped away, then she started obsessing. in second world, reader and the batfam were like... sort of involved? she lived with them, and she was getting to know them, but wouldn't you be kind of weirded out if your mum married like. jeff bezos or something. and reader is sort of introvert coded, even if they don't read that way. it's just because she's trying so hard not to be, because she's so starved for attention. other world reader like,,, didn't seem to react the same way to what happened to her. but she might've, in the newest chapter it seems like she was talking to bruce after the disaster, and then stopped. But yeah you're right they never knew each other because not much effort was made to do so, and the Waynes are always SUPER busy.

Also about the Dick thing, he was actually pretty happy about the new family! But like you said he still didn't know other reader till the disaster. He just didn't have time to get to know her. He was obviously very upset with Bruce because he left to fuck off to Bludhaven for a while, but he's always loved how the Wayne family kept growing. Even when it was just him Jason, Babs and the weird kid who followed them around with a camera. Then he like decided he was going to treat her like a project because he has a savior complex that comes out especially so when he's having a hard time (oh damn my brothers dead). Not your best moment Dickie. I mean other reader definitely did need help but... as if she'd accept it from a guy like Dick. Imagine your entire family dies and you have to deal with the most beautiful guy on earth trying to comfort you while you look like a creature that crawled out of the sewers. And he tries to make you go outside because you're genuinely very mentally sick. I'd kill him tbh. Anyway this is all still technically up in the air and I might go back and edit the fic later because I'm like... very bad at timelines I just can never remember them properly which creates a lot of issues and inconsistencies.

Anyways thank you for sending in your questions/theories and enjoying my work so much! I'm glad you can relate to reader so well, she's like, one of the strangest characters I've ever written who refuses to behave in any concrete mannerisms because she's stubborn and has intimacy issues. But I think we're all a little bit like that lmao. And thank YOU for reading my stuff, I wouldn't still be doing it if it weren't for folks like you :P (also also you didn't come across as critical at all, you were very polite!!!)

#sophie speaks #sophie answers #series:www #archetype0venus #tw long post #also i know what ur thinking: sophie are you writing #no i am not but i am listening to the www playlist and daydreaming which is like. sort of writing #i write like ten thousand rambling tags and then delete them because i remember they have absolutely nothing to do with this post #theres nothing in my brain nothing at all

[themagical1sa]

"i like you and i blame you for making me feel this way" he said

i still think about it

#isa and the y/n experience #isa go to sleep challenge #except i Can't because i am going through a story arc for real right now #his squish for me evolved into a crush i think #like. romantic interest and alladat jazz. the whole shebang #i feel like this has been a long time coming and whatever happened last sunday was just his tipping point #i didn't want to assume anything (God. me and this specific sentence. I think we've found the theme for the story /j) so i just #let things happen first because i needed to be Certain (this mfing word too. guys I've figured out the plot theme /j) #im ngl i had an anxious voice in my brain going 'don't fall in love with me' for the past several months #but now that i'm dissecting it... there's a lot going on with why i had that string of thought #i'm very hyperaware of the dynamics shifting over time (especoally rn when i'm not enrolled for this semester) #not to mention my thing for crushie which has added conflict on top of the dynamics shift #we haven't interacted very much but i still have affection for him... yet on the other hand squishie's squishing me so hard i'm a crush now #the dynamics have changed #and then there's squishie's backstory that i will never detail so long story short: he's been on the receiving end of toxic relationships #and i've managed to become a major turning point that made him realize that he can be happy again #i've got a lot on my mind can u tell HAHA #i'm thinkin' abt alladis on top of wanting to be more objectively productive with my time off college AAAAAAAA #this wattpad fanfic shoujo manga webtoon morning romcom disney aitcom is getting too real @_@ #shoutout to my besties especially seraph who contributed to that label #my life has never been the same since the moment classmate bestie clocked me as a living wattpad fanfic back in january 24 #augh #anyway. i'm gonna... try to brainrot abt something else HAHA #shoutout to hug anon #if u're still here: bestie a lot of things have happened since u were last here #they were one of the og crushie/isa supporters from tumblr HAHA

[tvrningout-a]

i should've switched to writing original stuff ages ago bc i could've been overcoming writer's block if i did :' )

#connecting mine and vee's lore in written form is something i've wanted to do forever bc i love love love gaia and kaiya's relationship!! #but i had a mental block towards bio's for... man i dunno how long tbh #i always got really stuck with them which is why i started doing bullet points where i could jot down all my thoughts #but i should have just?? been unafraid to write lengthy bio's i think #and then i could've done fun stuff like this way earlier!! without feeling stuck and slow!! #like honestly i don't even care about the people who won't bother to read my bio's bc those probably aren't the people who will #end up writing with me #i always avoided lengthy bio's bc i didn't wanna inconvenience someone #but how is it inconveniencing if i'm trying to make something interesting and enjoyable to read? #how is it inconveniencing if i'm just?? writing about my muses?? it's silly to water down my creativity and i'm sorry i did it now #now pls know i can give you the tldr on any of my muses bio if you need it asdfgh but i'm gonna just!! do what's fun for me from now on #that's gonna be a very important rule i need to enforce for myself with this blog move #no more doing things that make it harder for myself bc i'm worried about other people #there needs to be a balance and that's what i'm gonna keep in mind going forward uvu #so sorry for the rant oh my gosh asdfgh i just got to thinking and truly my writer's block has not bothered me with dorverold stuff #like it has in the past for other things and i think it's how i've approached writing and world building aka not worrying about length #if i'm struggling it's because i'm tired or busy #ANYWAY ASDFG i promise i'm going to bed now :' ))) good night!! #get ready to ramble | ooc

[erstwhile-elster]

ae

#honestly ending it seems like less and less of a bad idea as time goes on #I don't see a point in anything I do #I've struggled for 6 years to get a degree that I probably won't do anything with and probably won't even have my name on it #the only reason I'm bothering finishing it is so that I can have one thing in my life where I can say I didn't fail or give up #my relationships are all strained because of my inability to feel close and my fear of trusting anybody #and whatever kindness or sweetness I used to have has just rotted #I'm a miserable black hole and I'm either too scared or too stuck to change #I try not to whine this much but I went to bed falling apart and woke up still spiraling #I'm just tired of myself and don't see getting better being a thing

[musical-chick-13]

.

#will probably delete this later but I needed to get it out somewhere #like I am so goddamn lonely. and it is making me feel LITERALLY as if I'm about to descend into genuine madness #but the PROBLEM is that. in order to not be lonely. you need to find other people. and you need to have reason to believe that those #people will keep wanting and making an effort to communicate with you #and the thing is THE THING. IS. that you cannot control what people do or feel. I have no say in what people think of me. #I have to rely on other people to build new relationships. and that is just not. something that I can do. #it's not something that makes SENSE for me to do anymore. so I try to figure out how to just not want human connection at all #you know maybe if I intentionally isolate myself or grow my cynicism on a regular basis I'll get desensitized to the point #where that's just genuinely not something I want anymore. so then I'm not lonely but I also didn't have to rely on anyone else being #trustworthy and accepting and willing to care about me to get to that point #but. I mean maybe some people can do the denial thing but I can't. I've been trying for years. and that carved-out-hole in my chest #hasn't gotten any better. it hasn't filled up or healed over or gone away. it's just gotten bigger. #but if you're genuinely convinced that you're just built in a way where no one is ever going to really love you...what the fuck do you do? #if connecting with other people is something I want but it's (in my probably-biased estimation) completely inaccessible because I am #an inherently shameful and unpleasant person just by virtue of existing...then I'm just stuck at an impasse. and I'll always be crying #over something I can't logically ever have. why bother pursuing it if I am just going to be rejected or hurt or disparaged or tossed out or #neglected or sidelined or any number of bad outcomes? if that's how pursuing any kind of new interpersonal relationships is going to end #then why bother? the only thing to do would be to learn how to be completely unreliant on other people in any way forever right? #but THAT'S not logistically feasible EITHER and I've already proven that I can't fucking do that so what's left? just always be miserable? #I DON'T WANT TO RESIGN MYSELF TO THAT!!!! #sorry. it's. getting to be late december & around the new year is when it always gets Bad™ so we're just. gonna be like this for a few week #In the Vents #ugh all of this would be better if I still lived near Best Friend™ #anyone who gets to live near/with their Person™ PLEASE know how lucky you are and don't take that for granted

[doggirlnarcolepsy]

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#idk how to deal with how my relationship currently works #I love her more than anything in the world I just don't think she actually has any romantic feelings left for me... #other than just me being her best friend and family and the fact we've been together so long there just isn't much of anything else.. #it just feels like there's so little to no romantic love left in our relationship and that she resents me for putting her in this position #where she cut herself off from everything back in her hometown where she came from just to pursue a relationship with me #and because I can't make her feel loved in the way she needs. in ways I used to make her feel about our relationship #and now 7 years later she feels like she's wasted the best years of her youth #with someone that she doesn't even know if she loves anymore #because all the shifts in dynamics. terrible poly relationships. my inability to not get romantically involved with her partners #which just ends up making everything very awkward and usually just ends in disaster. hurting our relationship #At this point all kinds of intimacy feels so forced that it makes it so hard to believe it's genuine intimacy and not pity or obligation #because of all the baggage in the last 7 years our BPD and rejection sensitive dysphoria makes romance and intimacy so difficult #it's so hard to look past all the failed attempts and heartache in the past when you remember it all #right now we're decided to separate romantically and she's going go look for other partners so she can learn to love again #before she'll even try to approach having a romantic relationship with me again #she's my favorite person in the world and I would do anything for her.. I just don't know how much there's left for me to do at this point. #I don't know what to do.. #I don't even have anyone to talk about it because she's the only person I've talked to in the last 3 years because I'm such a shut-in #and I have literally no friends... #I just feel so fucking alone

[adammilligan]

COULD adam overpower michael like sam did to lucifer? in theory yes i think he could the problem is adam doesn't really have the willpower for it anymore. i mean the end of 15x08 kind of established him as a bit of a wreck with the whole "since when do we get what we deserve" thing because yknow. he was in a cage for a thousand years and he's tired in a hopeless sort of way. if it happens it happens. not to mention michael's his friend! so his willpower would be weakened by that as well. but at the same time i can't see any sort of scenario popping up where adam WOULD have to suppress michael because there is no situation in which michael would be fighting tooth and nail to be in complete control like lucifer was. he respects adam too much to do that and is extraordinarily gentle with him to boot. so in theory yes he could but in practice? michael just hands him control the second adam wants it

#i'm thinking about this one time that jabel said that adam's reached the point where he'd just sort of sit back and let shit happen to him #and i've always sort of thought along the same lines in a way? that the way michael brought up lucifer being freed while adam sat in hell #specifically was like. a breaking point for him. and that's when that sort of bleak state of mind started to set in #and it isn't like adam is incapable of being hopeful anymore! he was hopeful for the future in the diner! #but there is just a bone-deep weariness about him at the end of the episode. which could be explained by the fact that they just got #the god bomb dropped on them. but also it was in response to him being called a good man and being told that he didn't deserve what #happened to him. so yes it's about the cage and yes it's about the silent sense of hopelessness he sits in #i think if something like that ever came up in conversation. maybe in the cage or something #if they're talking about control and how sam did it. or whatever. and adam's just like what does it matter. if you wanted control #i couldn't stop you anyway. and you just know michael would disagree with him about it and say that adam more than has the mental #capacity to suppress him if needed. but adam's not really listening because he's just so resigned to the idea of it happening #like there really is such a power imbalance between them and when building a relationship like theirs that's not something they can really. #ignore. and i think a lot of it at first would be adam resigning himself to the fact that if michael wanted the body he'd have the body #and he couldn't do anything about it. and it doesn't even matter anyway. and then michael's on the other side like #no it DOES matter. i DO respect you. i DON'T want to put you in that sort of position ever. i need you to believe me #like yes michael has issues the size of ten galaxies combined. but honestly so does adam #and even though adam has a tendency to brush talk of his feelings off like they're nothing in 15x08 #michael does reach out! more than once! so there's no reason to assume he wouldn't about this as well #kate rambles #we came to an agreement #michael #adam milligan #midam

[journey-to-the-attic]

Reading the new comet event (spoilers sort of?) and I could've sworn I'd read it before, but no!! I realised that it was because MC going to Satan after he shut himself in his room reminded me of that scene in the Minecraft chapter where IK finds him on the iceberg! Just a cool thing I thought I'd share

oo funky!! i haven't done the new event myself (planning on speedrunning at some point before it ends), but it looks interesting! i like that they're trying something new, and focusing each pop quiz around particular characters should definitely make them more interesting, esp if they go for actual mini-arcs with them like it sounds like they are

#answering asks #anon asks #i'd be interested in seeing what directions they take the characters beyond the stuff they kind of re-hash or have already done #from what i've seen it seems satan's mini-arc isn't based on his relationship with lucifer which is refreshing! #i've always wanted to see canon properly handle his wrath in a more personal way rather than in relation to his inferiority complex #outside of just 'mc u make me feel more than anger' i mean #honestly i wanna see more depth to levi beel and asmo since out of the brothers they kind of get the short end of the stick #beel in particular since asmo and levi definitely have strong bases at the centre of their characters but beel's is still up in the air?? #levi not so much but i'd like them to acknowledge and develop his traits outside of the self-deprecating otaku stuff more often #also he is genuinely so funny he has the best one-liners in pop quizzes in recent memory #satoshi kada's delivery during the voiced hdd events is also killer #anyway beel's got his relationship with belphie + regret from losing lilith but there's not much that's just Beel at his core on his own #not counting 'hungry' #imo his base is strength and family but they really explore it enough in-game outside of the wholesome main point #sorry this whole 'base of character' thing is entirely subjective because it's just me saying things #but i love these guys man. i know i don't say the nicest things about canon #but there is genuinely so much Good Stuff there the issue is more that they. don't develop/focus on it for some reason #whoops i talked too much

[oscalesoffeeling]

x. he spun the stars on his fingernails (regular version)

self ship playlist for me n huffie composed of more contemporary music <3 i think this one is maybe the most representative of my s/i story tbh!!

lyrics under cut!!!

the ballad of mona lisa - panic! at the disco

- a lonely speaker in a conversation / her words are swimming through his ears again / there's nothing wrong with just a taste of what you've paid for

she had the world - panic! at the disco

~ she held the world upon a string / but she didn't ever hold me / spun the stars on her fingernails / but it never made her happy / 'cause she couldn't ever have me

remember my name - mitski

- 'cause i need somebody to remember my name / after all that i can do for them is done / i need someone to remember me

when you were young - the killers

- he doesn't look a thing like jesus / but he talks like a gentlemen / like you imagined when you were young

shadow - bearstronaut

- i'm the one you want in the palm of your hand / running down your back at every word's end / you can let me down, put me in my place / although you've had enough, there's still more i can take

i will - mitski

- i will wash your hair at night / and dry it off with care / i will see your body bare / and still i will live here

stay soft - mitski

- it's why i've arrived, your sex god / here to take you where / you need to go / to where the dark remembers you

genghis khan - miike snow

- i know there's no form / and no labels to put on / to this thing we keep / and dip into when we need

animal - neon trees

- here we go again / we're like sick animals, we play pretend / you're just a cannibal and i'm afraid i won't get out alive / no, i won't sleep tonight

casual affair - panic! at the disco

- break involuntary ties / a secret so the spies / could never find us out / stay for as long as you have time / so the mess that we'll become / leaves something to talk about

kiss from a rose - seal

- there used to be a graying tower alone on the sea / you became the light on the dark side of me

pure love - hayley williams

- if i want pure love / must stop acting so tough / (i give a little, you give a little) / (we get a little, sentimental)

far too young to die - panic! at the disco

- well i never really thought that you'd come tonight / while the crown hangs heavy on either side / give me one last kiss while we're far too young to die

resistance - muse

- will they find our hiding place / is this our last embrace / or will the walls start caving in?

fear the future - st. vincent

- when the war start anew / in our bed, in our room / i'll come for you, come for me too

starlight - muse

- far away / this ship is taking me far away / far away from the memories / of the people who care if i live or die

deus in absentia - ghost

- the world is on fire / and you are here to stay and burn with me / a funeral pyre / and we are here to revel forever more

parachute - sean ono lennon

- 'cause if i have to die tonight / i'd rather be with you / cut the parachute before the dive

skyfall - adele

- let the sky fall / when it crumbles / we will stand tall / face it all together

on my own - les misérables olc

- without him / i feel his arms around me / and when i lose my way i close my eyes / and he has found me

trade mistakes - panic! at the disco

- i feel marooned in this body / deserted, my organs can go on without me / you can't fly these wings / you can't sleep in this box with me

haunted by the kiss - talkfine, starkid

- my heart won't stop beating / hoping that this kiss / will never ever become a scar / you're in my soul / you're tormenting me / if you're suffering as much as i am / please, won’t you tell me

maps - yeah yeah yeahs

- made off / don't stray / well, my kind's your kind / i'll stay the same / pack up / don't stray

sweetest goodbye - maroon 5

- where you are seems to be / as far as an eternity / outstretched arms, open hearts / and if it never ends, then when do we start?

high - the cure

- and when i see you happy as a girl / that lives in a world of make-believe / it makes me pull my hair all out / to think i could've let you leave / and when i see you take the same sweet steps / you used to take, i know / i'll keep on holding you in my arms so tight / they'll never let you go (never let you go)

dig - incubus

- we all have a weakness / but some of ours are easy to identify / look me in the eye / and ask for forgiveness / we'll make a pact to never speak that word again / yes, you are my friend

two slow dancers - mitski

- it would be a hundred times easier / if we were young again / but as it is / and it is / we're just two slow dancers, last ones out

in our bedroom after the war - stars

- it's us, yes, we're back again / here to see you through 'til the day's end / and if the night comes and the night will come / well at least the war is over

#so anyway. i've posted this before without lyrics but i've updated it since then. #like i said this is probably the playlist that best describes my s/i story with him? definitely in certain parts. #because like the story goes that delruk was kinda forced by her parents to be wil.huff's assistant but he basically refused #to give them intel or connections when they asked bc at that point he didn't give a shit about them anymore and had gained wil.huff's trust #which he didn't really wanna lose. meanwhile delruk and wil.huff are trying to hold back their feelings for each other but end up starting #a tumultuous love affair. it all comes to a head during what would be the climax of anh when #delruk convinced huffie's stubborn ass to evacuate and then they both kinda realize that 'Oh. we're in love but still weirdly in denial of #how deeply and we also disagree on a bunch of kinda fundamental things and all the secrecy and differences are kinda putting a strain on #our relationship and maybe we have a lot of other unresolved problems In general. So. maybe we should take a break.' cut a year or so and #huffie left the empire and came crawling back to me ready to beg on his hands and knees for me to take him back but i just kinda flung #myself into his arms and kissed him and now we're married :^) #anyway. 'dig' is like our song. same with 'open arms.' it just perfectly describes our connection ya know. #i love that old man ❤ #ugh. anyway #ellie rambles about stuff #he spun the stars on his fingernails (tag) #ok to rb #:)

[radioromantic-moved]

damn that space rpg time loop video game that i was so excited about has two of the four female love interests (my favorite two)‏‏‎ ‎break up with you in the end no matter what and they're literally the only ones who do that. oh but there's a "secret" one who you can date if you flirt with her (an adult) while you are a teenager. cool 😐

#i'm still going to buy the game because everything else about it still seems so perfect for me #but ngl i am Really Fucking Sick of game devs favoring male romances over female ones #even if this isn't 'favoring' them per se it's still like. shutting you out of a happy ending with some characters for no reason #'it's supposed to be a commentary about teenage relationships not lasting forever' #okay but why can you have relationships that last forever with. checks notes. #100% of the male characters and 50% of the female ones #and also i'm sorry maybe i'll like them when i play the game but MULTIPLE male love interests seem like total assholes #but sure they get the functional healthy relationships forever. #christ. i'm sure this wasn't purposeful on the part of the devs but #why is it sooooo fucking impossible to be a lesbian who likes romance features in video games. #there's SOOOO much out there for straight women and straight men #and even comparatively a lot for gay men #and the lesbians get. a couple of super niche visual novels and the multi-gender stuff #which nearly always pushes you towards the guys! CASE IN POINT! #sorry i guess this turned into a rant but i've been thinking about this for a while #not to be the Angry Lesbian i'm just feeling sad and let down #i guess i am posting this on a literal self ship blog i can rewrite the endings if i really hate them #and i'm really invested. it's just annoying to me that they even made that choice! #and it dampens my enjoyment for a game i was literally daydreaming about. so that sucks. #congrats if you read this far lol <3 #nyx on comms

[the-sunshine-dragon]

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#i wouldn't go so far to say that i have a particularly self-depricating image of myself #but let's just say that far too many times in the past i've been treated as the disposable one in the relationship #or just.....what i give isn't returned like maybe it should be #so it's just automatic for me to not....have the highest image of myself #so like I said not exactly self-depricating but not exactly the highest either #point with this being that in the situation where in a situation where concern from others is appropriate and warranted for myself #and it is suddenly in my face from very well-meaning friends who are really good friends #i don't know what to do and find the question popping in my head of #why am i suddenly on the receiving end of care and concern like this #it should be me worrying about you guys not the other way around #lasdfjlkslkfjkd #it's hard to explain something like this because logically i know that things are a two way street but i also thing that maybe i don't know #cause sometimes i feel like i get stuck in this scene in my head that goes something like #a warm melancholy of loving others and being loved back but maybe not quite enough #and not being seen quite enough and feeling like sometimes it's too much of a thing to ask for more or for a hug #where everyone is piled on the couch and i'm sitting in the armchair nearby but i don't know how to ask to join in on the couch #even though i really want to #but i don't want to be a hassle or a nuisance so i won't be and remain quiet #i'll watch from afar and long for more and know that one day forever will arrive and this will end and they'll move on without me #because it always happens #and the day someone reaches out or asks for me to stay or tells me i'm not greedy or i'm not too much will never happen #heh

[neverendingford]

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#tag talk #because of all the artists I follow and the art I see I'm able to muster up some art when the muse sings. #so thanks I was able to sketch something for the guy I'm getting to know and maybe will be dating at some point #was thinking about whether to call him cute or not and I think yeah I do think he's cute. #I've been using all my brain power to min-max the interactions we've had without jumping too quickly into the deep end #which is why I don't call him my boyfriend because we've only met irl twice but I think there's no reason why we won't escalate to dating #provided I can not fuck things up #prolly not healthy to have the mindset that I'm responsible for whether things go well or not #not healthy to have the mindset that I'm a stick of dynamite and if I screw things up it'll all blow to shit. #idk. I still feel that way. #we'll see. #either way he's my in to a whole other friend group of coworkers and their friends since we got matched by a coworker/friend #my coworker his friend so I have higher hopes since it's not an online match. #he seems pretty cool and I'm doing my best to spread out the interaction and not get too caught up in his dms #and I was the one to be like “yeah this hangout has gone pretty long” because I know I tend to drag things out longer than they should go. #even if the other person is engaged it's functionally great to make a lunch date last the whole afternoon into the evening. #we both have things to do so as fun as it is to hang out for five hours I'm trying to keep emotionally healthy. #enough distance to keep perspective on things. #my last relationship the other person pushed for more and more hangout time and more and more closeness and I think that's what fucked it #I need to keep my distance to stay emotionally healthy #and honestly? I'm proud of myself for learning that and keeping it in mind. #I've had some hard experiences to learn that lesson but now I'm going to put it to good use and maybe get some dick again. #it's deadass been since October. deadass halfa year since I got dick. #I fucked someone more recently than that but fucking and getting dick are not the same thing. #anyway. new relationship. wish me luck.