Tumgik
#to have someone predict and expect your flaws
linkspooky · 24 days
Text
Tumblr media
So I was genuinely surprised last week when we were finally shown Megumi's mental state inside Sukuna and he was predictably at his lowest point ever, and instead of sympathy from the fans most of the responses on twitter I saw were people mocking him.
Which I am going to assume comes from a misunderstanding as his character. You see Megumi doesn't fit into the role of the black haired supporting protagonist / rival well. He's not Sasuke, he's not Uryu Ishida, he's not Yuno but he's not meant to be a rival or even a typical shonen character who's progress is only measured by a series of power ups. Megumi is perhaps one of the most subtly written characters in the manga, and perhaps he's hard to sympathize with because he doesn't fit into easy to udnerstand shonen tropes. Which is why I will try to explain his arc below and why Jujutsu Kaisen does it like no other manga currently running.
1. Meet Potential Man
Let me introduce you to the worst meme on twitter.
Tumblr media
Megumi's inability to live up to his potential to reach his full power as a sorcerer is probably his biggest flaw, one that is rightfully called out by the narrative again and again, but apparently an intentionally written character flaw is bad writing.
It's covered in Gojo's "Swing for the fences" speech.
Tumblr media
Gojo notices Megumi bunt in the baseball game and decides to confront him about it later. He highlights that while bunting is alright in baseball, and it's good to sacrifice yourself so your teammates can advance in a team sport that being a sorcerer is a solo sport. No matter what Megumi is going to reach a point where he's forced to fight alone, and instead of trying to push himself to be as strong as he can be he intentionally limits himself to cooperate with the sorcerers around him.
Basically, the opposite of Gojo who literally cannot fight with other sorcerers because he won't be able to fight at full strength as they just get in the way.
It's not just that Megumi can't use the ten shadows to its full potential, something pointed out by Sukuna, and then later again by Gojo, it's also that he always prioritizes either the group or someone else above himself when trying to decide how to act. Megumi is a semi-decent strategist so this is not necessarily a bad thing, but because of Megumi's tendency to care more about trying to live up to other people's expectations towards him, and what other people need of him rather than his own needs he doesn't have the attitude necessary for sorcery, especially since the strongest sorcerers don't take others into account at all and act like living calamities.
Megumi doesn't look at himself, he looks at the people around him. He judges himself based on what the people around him want from him, not what he wants. This is going to be a continual theme in his arc.
Sukuna is a living calamity, the definition of the attitude a strong sorcerer has, Gojo Satoru wields sorcerery only for himself, and is a sorcerer because he finds exorcising curses and using his god given talents to be fun for him.
Megumi's reason for fighting, his self worth, are all much, much less than the strongest characters in this series which is why he continually fails to live up to his potential. It's not because Gege is not good at writing or Megumi is a disappointing character, but rather he's been written as someone with tremendous potential under the pressure to live up to that potential but who continually fails to do so. Megumi's low self-esteem, low self-worth, and lack of self-identity explains both his failure to progress as a sorcerer something that requires selfishness and self-identity to reach greater heights in, but also his tendency to pick the suicide option with Mahoraga because Megumi genuinely believes compared to the others even just his classmates his life is simply worth less.
So potential man, is an intentionally written character flaw already called out in canon. The more interesting question is why does Megumi fail to live up to his potential.
2. Meet The Original Potential Man
So, I said that Megumi is not like a lot of characters in Shonen Jump but that doesn't mean he's entirely unique. To help explain Megumi's inability to live up to his potential I thought it would be helpful to compare him to a character he's clearly inspired by.
Tumblr media
Killua Zoldyck, is the deuteragonist of a manga called hunter x hunter. You may have heard of it, Gege certainly has. Killua is born into a family of assassins who all have supernatural powers. The assassins inflict incredibly harsh training on their children from birth in order to raise them into assassins because their potential as assassins is all that matters. They also start with a "Z".
Killua is apparently the most talented Zen'in... I mean Zoldyck of this generation, though he's still young so he's weaker than his father and brother he's expected to easily surpass them one. Which is why Killua's family has already decided for him that he's going to be the next one to take over the family, Killua's opinion doesn't matter. Illumi and Silva are both setting him up for success by forcing their "help" upon him. Several other members of the family even point out that Killua probably doesn't have the attitude to be the head of the family, but what does it matter when he's got such great talent?
Tumblr media
Killua is a complicated victim. He's a victim of many things, familial abuse is the most obvious one because the Zoldyck have a nasty habit of torturing their children, but the less obvious one is grooming. Not in a sexual sense, but rather the adults in Killua's life have decided to use their authority over him to manipulate him into becoming what they want him to be - the next head of the family.
What's insidious about this is the Zoldyck's don't just torture or beat Killua into submission, they will use any tool in their arsenal, familial love, emotional blackmail, threats, all to undermine Killua's agency and choices in order to make him not only do what they want to do but make him think he has to grow into the person they want him to.
Grooming not in a sexual sense, but definitely in a psychological sense, an adult using their authority as an adult over a child and their maturity to manipulate that child into becoming what they want them to be instead of letting that child grow naturally. When it's used in a sexual sense it's when an adult establishes a connection with a minor, and then uses that connection in the long-term to manipulate them into having a relationship and lower the child's inhibition. Think of that, but without the sexual part - an adult using their relationship with a child often in a long-term manipulation to lower the child's inhibitions and make them more malleable and raise them to do what you want them to do.
Killua has not been sexually groomed, but he has been groomed by both his parents and his brother to make him more suggestible to becoming the family head which is something he explicitly does not want to do. Not only did Killua's family only raise him for the purpose of becoming an assassin and taking over the family one day (raising him as a child into an adult, his emotional maturity, his health and well being are all secondary priorities to what Killua can do for his family) they also manipulate him into thinking he has no choice other than being an assassin.
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Killua is a kid put through extremely harsh training from a young age, to do a horrible job that is being an assassin that doesn't let him make normal friends or have a normal life. On top of the physical abuse he's already endured, whenever he expresses a desire to do something else in his life, his parents send Illumi to emotionally manipulate him into thinking that not only is he a natural born killer, and therefore a bad person who deserves all the abuse he's been put through, to further convince him that his only path forward is to be an assassin.
Killua is a character who has a lot of power, but little agency. Agency, in fiction is the ability a character has to take action and make decisions for themselves. Despite Killua starting as a more powerful and more savvy character than Gon, he has little agency and is often very passive. He doesn't act, he reacts. Even running away from his family is a reaction. We don't really see what he wants in life, we just know that he looked at his family and went "NOT THAT". However, his entire identity is still formed in response to his family's abuse. Even when he gets farther away from them, Killua doesn't really do what he wants, he does what Gon wants, and follows around Gon.
However, it's very understandable why Killua doesn't act with a lot of agency, when Killua does try to make decisions his family always shows up to undermine him and make another attempt to emotionally manipulate him into doing what they want. It's not always Illumi showing up to spook him. Silva pretends to be a loving dad for five minutes and has a heart to heart conversation with his son, and lets his son go adventuring with his friends but that too is a manipulation. He only did so to make sure Killua would eventually come back, by giving Killua more positive memories that would make it harder to make the decision to leave the family.
With the extent that Killua's family goes to sabotage any decision he makes, it's no wonder Killua is so passive and afraid to make his own decisions. It's almost like a character flaw he's gotta work on.
Now here's where I'm going to blow your minds. Megumi is an incredibly similar character to Killua, they are both the victims of longterm grooming however people don't like to acknowledge Megumi's victimhood. That's because in Killua's case, his abuser looks and acts like this.
Tumblr media
Killua's abuser Illumi is a creepy guy who looks like the girl from the grudge, telling him he's not allowed to make friends and giving off such rancid vibes that he's obviously a bad guy. Whereas, Megumi's groomer this this guy.
Tumblr media
Gojo Satoru who is one of the most popular characters in the series, and who also gives speeches about how he wants to let children be able to live out their youths, which is why it's hard for the fandom to see that he has taken advantage of Megumi and stolen his youth away from him pretty much the same way that Silva / Illumi has for Killua.
Megumi, like Killua has no choice in who he wants to be when he grows up, or what kind of person he wants to grow into. Megumi, like Killua has been groomed for a young age and forced into an incredibly dangerous and life threatening job that he does not want to do, that denies him the chance of a normal life, and that does not really allow him to make many friends. Megumi is railroaded onto this path, not by his choice, but by Toji's choice, and later Gojo's choice... because he has potential. Megumi like Killua cannot leave his family and stop being a sorcerer, otherwise his little sister who is the only family member he cares about will be hurt.
Tumblr media
Gojo doesn't show up with an evil aura looking like the grudge girl and telling Megumi that he doesn't have the right to make friends, and that he's inherently evil and a puppet that only exists to kill people though so it's harder to tell that Megumi is a victim of the same kind of grooming that has hurt Killua so thoroughly.
This is what I mean when I say a lot of Megumi's characterization flies over your head because his victimization is written really subtly. Gojo does the same thing that Illumi / Silva does to Killua, he may seem like a stand up guy compared to those two but Megumi has about as much choice about what he can do with his life that Killua has.
Not all grooming is Illumi showing up with his spooky eyes to intimidate and coerce Killua into submission. Silva shows up to give Killua the first fatherly talk he had in his life, and lets him go from the mansion.... not because he realized he was wrong for restricting Killua's life choices and giving him no choice but to become heir.
Tumblr media
No, it was a ploy to guilt trip him into coming back because he knew if he held Killua there by force he'd just run away the next chance he got. Fear and intimidation wasn't working at keeping Killua in line, so they switched to love instead.
Tumblr media
Gojo can encourage Megumi to make friends, let him hang out and spend time with Itadori, even honor his wish to save Itadori and in the end still be manipulating him into becoming a sorcerer and not letting Megumi choose what he wants to do with his life. Gojo just prefers the carrot to the stick.
Tumblr media
This is something the databooks confirm, that Gojo hunts prospects like Yuta, Yuji and Megumi not out of the goodness of his heart, but because they are talented students he can recruit to his cause with the added bonus that by appearing as their savior, they "owe" him.
Tumblr media
Megumi is also a character lacking in agency, he is someone who's had no agency his entire life and what little agency he did have was stolen away from him by the adults in his life.
Let's analyze Megumi's situation for a second. As soon as Megumama dies, Toji gives up on the idea of fatherhood entirely, and decides to sell his son, literally, like in the sense of human trafficking to be raised by the highly abusive Zen'in Clan.
Tumblr media
However, before the deal could be completed his father died in the middle of a mission. Megumi apparently saw his father so little that he didn't recognize him on coming face to face with him years alter, which says a lot about what kind of role Toji played in Megumi's life before he was outright abandoned.
Not only does Megumi believe his father just left him to run away with his new wife (Megumi's stepmother and the mother of Tsumiki) but now he and Tsumiki had to live together in a household without supervision for an indeterminate amount of time and watch their money slowly run out.
When it looks like they're about to start starving, Gojo Satoru shows up to save the day.... or not.
Gojo seems like he's offering Megumi a choice, but it's a loaded one. There's no choice in this scenario where Megumi gets to be a normal kid. The option of calling social services so this orphaned child does not starve doesn't occur to him.
Tumblr media
Megumi's options are a) go to the Zen'in Clan and be a sorcerer where Tsumiki will be abused, or b) be a sorcerer under me where Tsumiki will be safe. The unspoken part is that if Megumi rejects his offer not only will he just let the Zen'in Take him, he'll also probably just let Megumi starve. Megumi the uh six or so year old child at this point has to sign away the rest of his life as a sorcerer, and work in order to earn money to eat.
No adult is taking care of Megumi, no one is raising him, even the food and shelter Megumi is given comes with a price tag that he has to pay back by being a Jujutsu Sorcerer and attending Jujutsu High as a teenager. Gojo even kind of subtly uses Tsumiki as a hostage to get Megumi to join with his agenda, because his offer isn't really much better than the Zen'ins but he needs Megumi on his side because he needs to raise kids to be future allies to his political agenda.
At the tender age of six Megumi signed his life away to be a sorcerer and he hasn't looked back since. Considering his severe behavioral problems getting into fights constantly at school, I think it's safe to say Megumi is about as reluctant to be a sorcerer as Killua is an assassin.
Tumblr media
Honestly, if Megumi had phrased it like this:
Tumblr media
"I'm so tired of being a sorcerer, I just want to be a kid."
Megumi would have a lot more fans, and Gojo would have a lot of explaining to do, but I think the brilliance of Megumi's grooming is that it's not really as blatant as Killua's. Megumi doesn't talk out loud about how he wants to be a normal kid, he's just angry at the whole world, and prone to fits of violence because he's mentall unwell.
Another way in which he parallels Killua, by the way.
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Megumi does not talk about his lost childhood out loud. Instead of knowing his thoughts on the matter, instead we are shown his behavior, the effects of having his childhood taken away from him and how unstable it makes him and left to ponder as the audience what Megumi himself thinks of this.
The same way that Illumi steals all of Killua's agency away, robbing him of the chance to be anything other than what the Zoldycks want him to be, so to does Gojo. It's just instead of Gojo using the stick, he uses the carrot. He is Megumi's benefactor, he's the savior, for whose help Megumi owes him, sort of like repaying a loan with interest.
Gojo tries to shape Megumi into Gojo Satoru 2.0. Or maybe a second Geto. That's more likely as it's Geto defection which inspires Gojo to go looking for him after neglecting to do anything about Megumi until a year after finding out about his existence. Gojo says that Megumi is going to have to work hard or else he'll be left behind, just days after Geto had left him behind. Megumi is helped by Gojo, he is protected from the clans by Gojo, he has been taken on missions alongside Gojo his entire life, Maki even refers to Megumi as a treasure that was raised carefully by him.
Tumblr media
Gojo invests a lot of time and effort into Megumi and because of that Megumi is expected to "perform." However, he doesn't.
That's the thing, Megumi is supposed to be either Gojo or Geto 2.0 but he just can't be. THe reason why again is Agency. If Killua is limited because of his inability to decide for himself, then so to is Megumi b/c Nen and Cursed Technique Development both depend on things like imagination, ego and self-image to raise them up to their full potential.
However, Gojo has shot himself in the foot with regards to Megumi. Becoming a Jujutsu Sorcerer requires a strong identity, but Gojo by sabotaging Megumi's agency and ability to decide for himself every step of the way has robbed Megumi of the chance to form that strong identity.
Megumi, just like Killua has no sense of self and instead both judges himself according to others, how he meets their expectations, how he measures up to them - he also glorifies others while constantly putting himself down.
Tumblr media
Megumi doesn't give speeches about how Yuji is like pure light, but he also refuses to let Yuji out of his sight post Shibuya, and even says it'd be better to be killed by Sukuna alongside Yuji if Sukuna does take over.
Tumblr media
In the Chimera Ant Arc Killua defines all of his self-worth around being useful to Gon, and beats himself up for not being able to measure up to him - because Killua has no sense of self his selfhood has always been undermined by his family who wanted to make him more suggestible to what they wanted.
Megumi is flippant with his own life and very willing to lay down his life for another's sake, because Megumi has very little agency in his life and has been taught by both Gojo and his circumstances that he himself and what he wants does not matter. Megumi doesn't fight fate, and fight for what he wants because he's already been shot in the kneecaps by both Toji's abandonment, and Gojo Satoru, and he's having a difficult time just trying to stand with bullets in his knees.
Maybe, the reason Megumi is so willing to risk his life to summon Mahoraga and sacrifice himself if he thinks it will help his allies is because Megumi has been forced into a job where he's gonig to be expected to sacrifice his life for the greater good since the tender age of six years old and therefore everything in life has conspired to tell him his life is worth less than others.
Yuji isn't the first person in story to think of himself as a cog, that's Megumi. He doesn't even need Shibuya to beat him down to accept the cog mindset, Megumi is already there at the beginning of the story.
Tumblr media
I think a lot of misunderstanding of Megumi's character comes from the fact that his grooming is more subtle and insidious, and not as blatant as Killua's, and also that it's done by a character well-liked by the fandom. However, if Megumi has all the same symptoms of Killua then it's logical to deduce that they share the same trauma
Even Megumi's summoning of Mahoraga has a tie to Killua.
There's a pattern of KIllua running away from stronger opponent that's established in HXH that's eventually revealed to be because of a needle that Illumi inserted directly into Killua's brain to mind control him to run if he faced someone that was too much of a threat.
Tumblr media
Obviously, that's just continuing the metaphor of the fact that Killua isn't able to believe in himself to face people who are stronger, because Illumi has been constantly putting him down his entire life.
Isn't this essentially what Megumi does as well?
When Megumi is faced with an opponent that's too strong or a hopeless situation, instead of running like Killua he summons Mahoraga. He does this because he doesn't believe in his ability to surpass his limits and fight, because he doesn't believe in himself or his own potential.
Tumblr media
When is actually able to think more freely and picture a version of himself who can surpass his limits and who can do these things - these are the moments he is shown to grow.
Megumi however, for the most part isn't free. He can't think of himself as free and he can't free himself, because not only does he still have no choice about what he wants to do with his life (even if he becomes the msot powerful sorcerer in the world Gojo won't let him quit, he's gotta pay off those student loans), but he's also internalized the idea that he's not free. Not only has Gojo raised him to be a cog, Megumi has also accepted the fact that he is a cog and what he wants does not matter - the most he can do is hope that his actions will protect the people he loves and give them a little bit of happiness.
Megumi doesn't need a needle in his brain to control him and make him run away from fights and more obedient, because Megumi has already done all of that to himself with the toxic and self-harming ideas he's internalized.
Megumi and Killua having given up on themselves, try to make others happy, the same people they put on pedestals in order to make themselves feel even worse in comparison.
However, from this point Megumi and Killuas arcs go in opposite directions. You see after the Chimera Ant Arc when Killua hits his lowest point and his codependent friendship with Gon is exposed for what it is, Killua returns home in order to try and rescue his sister Alluka who is probably the reason he ran away in the first place.
Alluka and Tsumiki are both at the start of the story taken away from Killua and Megumi respectively, and with them the only genuine familial affection they ever enjoyed in their lives is taken too.
Tumblr media
However, Alluka and Tsumiki are inversions. Alluka finds her freedom and agency, and Killua is able to reform his connection with his sister by accepting both pats of her, Alluka and Nanika. Afterwards the two of them finally leave their family home together and go off on a journey together.
If Alluka finds her personhood, Tsumiki remains a plot device. She never awakens from her coma, she's possessed instead and then murdered.
Now, here is where I point out how unfair the audience is being to Megumi. If you're a hunter x hunter fan remember all the character development that Killua gained by reforging his relationship with Alluka, how much confidence it gave him to connect to the one person who's even unconditionally loved him as a family member.
Tumblr media
Now imagine that Alluka is brutally butchered right in front of him, and Killua has a first person point of view, because somehow in this scenario Illumi used a needle to mind control him into killing Alluka.
Do you really think Killua would be able to stand after that?
Tumblr media
Sukuna is really just the last in line of a long line of people who've stolen Megumi's agency away from him, in order to benefit themselves. Sukuna even saw the same "potential" in Megumi that Gojo did.
Sukuna physically posessing Megumi's body, is just what both the Zen'in Clan, and Gojo Satoru have been trying to do to him in the most literal way possible. Gojo wants to remake Megumi into Gojo Satoru 2.0 with no regards to who Megumi is as a person, what Megumi's wants and needs are. No he just wants to raise someone as strong as him and pass the burden of protecting society onto Megumi, this starving orphan Gojo decided to exploit.
People have always used Megumi as a puppet for their own agenda, Naobito wanted to make him the head of the Zen'in Clan because he had the technique, Gojo wanted him to become the next strongest sorcerer / Gojo Satoru and also to replace the elders with Gojo's political agenda. They all want Megumi's "potential" for themselves to use to their own ends. Sukuna just takes what Gojo did one step further by literally stealing Megumi's body away from him and using him as a literal puppet instead of a metaphorical one. Gojo took Megumi's childhood by making him work as a sorcerer, Sukuna kills the physical embodiment of Megumi's childhood innocence by murdering Tsumiki, the only thing Megumi had in his life besides being a sorcerer, his only family, the only person he grew up with in his childhood years, the only person who loved him for who he was.
Megumi coped with what Gojo did to him the same way Killua did, by building himself around his use to others, and by building his identity around protecting others but now that's all gone. Tsumiki is gone, Megumi is trying to kill his friends, and he's already butchered Gojo Satoru.
Yet the fans are surprised that Megumi doesn't immediately get back on his feet.
However, and this my slightly optimistic ending to the post. Perhaps, Megumi is going the complete opposite of Killua, because what Megumi needed to learn was not to grow strong and confident enough to protect his sister but to learn to fight for himself.
At this point Megumi has nothing else left. It's sink of swim. He either develops a strong enough identity to regain control of his body and push Sukuna out, or he loses and the anti-Sukuna team will just have to resort to killing Megumi along with Sukuna.
Even in that case.
Megumi not being saved by Yuji is a good thing.
Because a victim who gets rescued by a hero still has no agency.
Megumi told Yuji that he needs to start by "saving me."
However, it might just be the opposite. Before Megumi can save anyone else, before he can become a protector, he has to find his own power and save himself. He has to both accept thathe's someone worthy of salvation, and at the same time he can't just passively accept the hand that Yuji's offered to him he has to actively be the one to break free of Sukuna and save himself.
Megumi can't become the strongest sorcerer by becoming the next Gojo Satoru or being what Gojo or Sukuna wants him to be. THe only way Megumi can become the strongest, is by being himself.
284 notes · View notes
skk-fan-page · 11 days
Text
I promise I took my meds, hear me out: this
Tumblr media
Can give us insight into this
Tumblr media
So: before we get into what it means, I'm going to tell you why these things are related. 15 is probably the best text we have when it comes to dissecting their relationship, and in 15, dazai says 2 things that relate to both raging romantic tension and also dogs.
Tumblr media
This, as well as an arguably more loaded section:
Tumblr media
This. Now bear with me, I really did take my meds, this second excerpt is almost a one to one copy of the dog treats panel. For those of you who have read 15, you'll know that this scene is the set up for chuuya being forced into the mafia. They duel, the "treats" (the sheep) appear, and then they disappear, and only when dazai walks away do both the dog and chuuya realize theyve been ensnared in a weirdly elaborate trap for someone who's supposed to not want anything to do with them.
Not only that, but it establishes that not only does he call chuuya his dog, but "his dog" is part of his future plans, and part of the reason he even has future plans.
Part of the reason that dazai wants to live at that point is to spend time with chuuya.
Now: with that we get back into the dog treat "duel".
First, I'll let you read it and draw your own links, as long as you promise to leave them in the notes
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
As a bsd reader, you'll probably know that dazai's plans often revolve around knowing what the other party will do. This is easily reflected in the dog encounter, because dogs don't know anything, and thus their behavior cannot be influenced to an unpredictable point. If you offer a dog a treat, you can count on that dog eating the treat. The problem is that dazai can't connect that motive to the dog's actions, because he specializes in dealings with egotistical people who rank highly in organizations who have massive flaws they overlook. Take him outside of his comfort zone, and he struggles to tilt things in his favor.
This analysis overlooks one teensy massive character trait that shapes the character: Dazai is the type to step on a rake, hit himself in the balls, and stick the landing so well that everyone thinks it was on purpose.
You can only tell what's "the plan" versus what is just improv by how hard he tries to sell that he's in control.
With this new lens, seeing how hard dazai tries to assert "the difference in [his status]" with the dog almost entirely colors the interaction as some sopping wet loser loses at his own game that he started against a small animal.
And now: how does this effect the skk reunion and how does it reflect on their previous relationship?
Well, I'm going to pull out some "oh holy shit... I mean, I meant to do that!" Moments
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
This man is going back and forth like it's his job. He doesn't know what to expect because chuuya is far beyond his comfort zone. Hes everything that should make him predictable, and yet he never is. Every time he's taken aback by his target not reacting the way he "should" he pulls another trick out from his sleeve. Even literally, in the lock picking case. Whenever he needs to try to assert that he totally planned this, he goes for another trick.
As with the dog, when dazai walks away, the only thing chuuya was left with was a distinct sense of "this guy needs friends." They're both low stakes interactions that are born from dazai not expecting something and not knowing how to regain control of the situation.
This implies that dazai just doesn't know how to deal with a straightforward person and thus can never predict what chuuya will do, because he runs on an unswayable internal logic that makes him as difficult to manipulate as a human can possibly be.
As a partnership, they're constantly confusing the fuck out of each other, because dazai is weird and eats dog treats, and because chuuya cannot be understood with the logic dazai excels in.
They know each other but they can never hope to understand each other.
156 notes · View notes
j-0ne25 · 9 months
Text
BEAUTIFUL STRANGER
CHAPTER [I] of FREEZE [18+!]
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
“For someone who hates me with all this passion, you’ve got a lot of expectations related to me.”
He smirks again, “Who has ever said that I hated you?”
“Let me think,” you begin, “you have constantly annoyed me and called me names since I became a part of this friend group.”
“I’ve never meant to be mean to you,” Hyunjin says, aligning his lips with your ear as his voice turns into a whisper, “I was just mad about the fact you chose the wrong guy.”
Tumblr media
❄️ SYNOPSIS: Sure, going on a vacation trip with your closest friends while pretending you're still with your ex boyfriend to not ruin the weekend is already a dumb idea. But do you know what's even dumber? Yes, allowing your enemy and academic rival to make you forget about your past relationship when he has you right underneath him.
🦋 CONTENT INFO: hyunjin x afab reader, changbin x afab reader, enemies to lovers, enemy hyunjin, ex boyfriend changbin, rebound au, college au, angst/smut/fluff, kinda 'only one bed' trope, reader has anxiety disorder and is in therapy, they are flawed characters and you should keep that in mind, warnings and smut tags under the cut
📘 WORD COUNT: 16.1K
🌌 CONTENT WARNING: mental health topics such as anxiety disorder, insecurities, description of anxiety and panic attacks, alcohol consumption, jealousy, mention of cheating, implied toxic relationship
💦 SMUT WARNING: dom/sub dynamics, fingering, oral (f receiving), piv, slight degradation, spanking, slight spit play, name calling (doll, baby, slut, sweetheart)
🧊 SPOTIFY PLAYLIST
The characters do not portray any of the skz members in real life, the names are just used for fiction. Minors do not interact, this post contains mature topics. By reading you consent to nswf content and agree that you have read all the warnings above carefully.
Tumblr media
The butterfly effect.
A chaos theory claiming small things in life, which seem absolutely meaningless, have non-linear consequences and can cause drastic incidents.
Just like one beat of a butterfly’s wing can create a tornado.
Exactly like karma works—your tiniest decisions in your past brought you to this place and made you the person you are today.
Unlike the domino effect, which states that pushing one stone leads to the downfall of all your built up figures, the butterfly theory on the contrary concentrates on non-linear, non predictable aftermaths.
Never underestimate small decisions again. Some systems are very sensitive. You don’t want to mess with invisible chains.
Everything happens for a reason. Every person, every little thing, every move is in interaction with one another.
With this being said, remember all your acts have influence on any other living being in this universe too. Forecasting the future is not possible for humankind. We never know what other people have been through, what led them to make decisions they made. Choose your words and actions wisely. On one hand everything matters, on the other hand nothing is important at all. 
❄️
If you could give that day a review on Google, you would complain about the fact that one out of five stars is still way too positive.
Everything went wrong. Absolutely everything.
It all started when you managed to not only sleep through one or two alarms, not three or four but five in total since your phone died some time during the night. Well, this is what happens when you forget to charge it.
So, as it seemed, you would have totally gotten late to your university class. Maybe five minutes if you didn’t put any effort in your outfit or fifteen if you did. Yes, this isn’t the end of the world and your professor is both really kind and mostly late themselves but anxiety just took over you. There’s no way you were gonna be able to enter a room with thirty five pairs of eyes staring holes into your head.
That’s why you decided to not go at all.
Was this bad for your academic accomplishments?
Definitely.
Was it better for your mental health?
Well… maybe. At least in that moment.
But not when your psychological issues become the cause for your college issues and the endless cycle of disaster starts running like a ferris wheel at high speed.
To somehow handle your guilty conscience that slowly started eating you up from the inside, you chose to still get up and head to campus, working on some other tasks instead.
The first few stops on your bus’ route were as calm as usual since your apartment building is located in an outer part of the city—turning every ride to campus into a world trip. That’s why you didn’t think anything bad when two older men stumbled into the vehicle, severly intoxicated and obnoxiously loud that all the few people inside the bus granted them their whole attention. Of course, without being too obvious.
Absolutely shit-faced, they kept walking and dancing through the aisle, getting dangeoursly close to you and just when the driver steered to get on the main road, one of them almost tripped. He could catch himself at the last second but in the process of saving his ass, half of the liquids of his opened beer can spilled all over your shirt.
That’s when a wave of shock and angst washed over you like it usually does in situations like this. It was something that couldn’t be calculated, something you didn’t expect and since neither of the other guests inside the bus said anything, you unfortunately remained silent, too. You wished you were tougher, braver, more confident to react the way you should, how it would be appropriate and deserved. But you can’t.
Your brain solely entered survival mode, focusing on the way your heart beats out of your chest and your lungs constrict, unable to transfer any air.
At least your anxiety attack was able to tell you that you reached the central train station—where you’re supposed to transfer and catch your connection—so you took your bag, pushed some other people and those men away in order to get to the exit. The bus came to a halt and you were the first to rush out at lightning speed, bumping into another person that probably was waiting to get into the vehicle that you just left.
You took a step back.
That's when you first looked into his eyes. Those dark, mesmerising eyes. 
It was at this moment that you knew you were doomed.
Hwang Hyunjin.
A singular beat of a beautiful butterfly’s wing—destined to turn into a tempestuous hurricane just for you.
Standing there in the pouring rain, his wet hair stuck to his face. It was cut short back then, bleached and dyed in a silvery shade. Nothing similar to the long, black strands he has nowadays.
He was wearing the dark leather jacket he still wears as if it’s glued to his figure. It was the same model, maybe even the exact same jacket you see him in all the time.
“Watch out where you’re going.”
Those were his words back then. His nose was twitching when he smelled the beer scent but for some reason he couldn’t take his eyes off of you. It probably wasn’t his intention for the sentence to come out that harsh—but that’s just how Hyunjin has always been. Overly dramatic, thinking with his emotions instead of his brain.
And maybe that was what broke the camel’s back.
You can’t even recall how it happened but the tears were already streaming down your cheeks, becoming one with the rain drops falling onto your heated skin. It was just too much. You’ve always been one to cry in public, not quite caring what anybody thinks, but you felt a little embarrassed still, bawling your eyes out in front of a stranger like this.
But you lost control. Like you usually do. Although it didn’t feel like it. There has always been something about the Hwang boy that made you feel so secure.
Yes, that’s fucking ridiculous considering how he’s treated you since that day until now, more than one and a half years later.
Fortunately—and also unbelievable from today’s point of view—Hyunjin grasped that he went way too far although it wasn’t his intention. Of course, this doesn’t excuse anything. It doesn’t matter if we accidentally hurt someone, they will feel pain anyway.
Just like you did at that moment.
His guilty conscience finally kicked in, bringing him back to reality and how he should have reacted in the first place.
You were still crying like a toddler, Hyunjin had pulled you away from the line in front of the bus a long time ago. He didn’t even care that he didn’t catch his connection, not when someone as beautiful as you was standing in front of you, unable to catch their breath because of the sniffles interrupting them.
It probably didn’t even make a difference but sometimes the gesture is what counts.
That’s why Hyunjin decided to take off his jacket and placed it on your shoulders, soon realising it’s a little too big for you. He wanted to pull you closer despite not knowing you, tell you that everything will be alright and that you’re safe with him, he will take care of you no matter what.
But the insecure Hyunjin that he still is nowadays was already noticeable back then. He did in fact feel sorry for you. He saw the two men who must have poured their drink over you stumbling out the vehicle and connected the dots. And maybe it sounds childish or even toxic but his ability to think shut off completely when you looked at him with big doe eyes, wrapped into his leather jacket, thanking him for his help, sniffles still filling the surrounding.
Hyunjin has never been good at showing what he truly thinks or feels with words. That’s just not part of his skills. The arts help him express his emotions but text or speech has never been one of his talents.
At least that’s how he justified it back then, when he told you the following words.
“Just so you know, I didn’t give you the jacket out of politness. I couldn’t stand your whining anymore.”
What the fuck?
To say that you were dumbfounded would be an understatement.
Where the fuck is this guy getting the audacity from? What a fucking piece of shit…
“The coat was very expensive,” he started again, “bring it back to me after picking it up from the laundry.”
Hyunjin shoved a piece of paper and a pen out of his pants’ pocket, scribbling down some words before he handed you the snippet. There was an address on it. A house that you were gonna visit many times after that and even still do nowadays.
Before you were able to react in any type of way, the mysterious, arrogant and beautiful stranger rushed away and got inside the next bus.
❄️
It’s an odd scene, something you would typically only see in some bad Netflix show or some silly fanfic but it’s what you’re caught in now.
The initial thought when your friend group started planning this trip four months ago was to get your minds off of school stress before exam season is waiting right around the corner. It’s the last semester for a few of them—Chan, Noah and Changbin being among the lucky ones to finish university pretty soon.
Changbin.
Right.
Well, when making those plans the two of you of course didn’t think you wouldn’t be a couple anymore once the trip would begin. But it is what it is now. It was inevitable.
Nights of fights brought you to where you are now—separated but still getting along for the sake of your other friends.
And that’s where the next problem occurs.
Although it’s been some weeks, you haven’t told anyone that you broke up. Not even Jeongin, your best friend, knows but that’s mainly caused by the fact that you got in a lot of heated discussions with him about exactly that—your relationship with Changbin that grew toxic over the past months. You haven’t shared a word with your best friend since then.
It’s a little ironic. It all started with Changbin becoming more and more jealous of any man that was practically breathing the same air as you and the biggest thorn in his flesh has always been Jeongin. Yes. Your lifetime childhood best friend who asks you to join farting competitions with him and makes fun of you like a younger sibling would. There’s absolutely nothing about him that you would ever find romantic in the slightest—the sheer thought makes you cringe—but that didn’t hold Changbin back from accusing you.
Where is the irony in these words?
Well, after another drunk fight of the two of you shouting at each other, Changbin confessed that he has been developing feelings for one of his friends who is part of the group, too.
Hayun. 
Med student and the best one in her year. As beautiful as a painting you would hang in the Louvre. Thousands of tourists gathered around it to get a quick glimpse of it.
And the worst part?
She’s incredibly kind. She’s one of your closest friends too and you can’t even blame anything on them since Changbin didn’t cheat. Sure, he was unreasonably toxic with his own jealousy and a hypocrite if you want to call it that but he didn’t cross any boundaries with her. Maybe in his head but you can’t judge him for his feelings. They’re not even a couple or anything. No one knows if she even returns the feelings.
So, all in all there were too many things that were working against this relationship.
But you’re still heartbroken. You can’t deny that. After all Changbin and you had been together for one and a half years and he was always absolutely serious about you—taking you on expensive dates, going on vacation with you and even meeting each other's families was absolutely normal. Maybe it’s the familiarity, maybe it’s the still existing feelings that don’t just vanish away from one day to another that makes it so hard to get over him. And, well, spending time on a weekend trip with him surrounded by all your other friends who still believe you’re that admirable couple doesn’t make it easier either.
That’s why you’re here now, getting out of the car with Chan, Changbin, Hayun, Noah, Felix, Jisung and Hyunjin.
Hyunjin.
Right.
As if spending time with your ex who you’re still in love with wasn’t terrible enough, your longtime enemy had to drag along, too. Well, he’s as much a part of the group as you are and Felix’s best friend and roommate and you would never get in the way of their friendship since you honour that freckled boy a lot. He’s always been by your side these past one and a half years, competing with Jeongin for the title of ‘Y/N’s best friend’ and getting closer to that goal caused by the circumstances with the younger one.
It’s good to have Felix and his partner, Noah, with you. They always try their best to cheer you up without even trying. You just dearly pray they won’t realise something is off between Changbin and you. Neither of you wants to make things complicated for the group as if they’re some children of parents that are getting divorced but for some reason it feels like it. Besides that, you’re also not emotionally ready for that next step. Not when Changbin is still constantly on your mind.
You will tell them after the trip. Definitely. But not now. Not today.
Luckily, Chan’s family owns a minivan and your ex boyfriend’s parents bought the little cottage in the mountains you’re gonna be staying in. You’ve been here before, with him and his relatives and you truly hope it won’t bring back many memories.
God, Y/N. That was a fucking stupid idea. How are you supposed to mentally survive the next thirty six hours?
Once you’ve got everything carried out of the trunk and assigned bedrooms, you head upstairs. Changbin and you are in the parent’s bedroom and Noah and Felix in a similar one. The children’s room was supposed to be reserved for Chan, Jisung and Hyunjin but the latter changed his bed with Hayun so she doesn’t have to be sleeping on the couch. She’s an old friend of Jisung’s anyway so there’s nothing weird about it. Changbin has known her for a long time, too, but Jisung basically grew up with her.
You wonder if Changbin gets jealous of his younger friend, too. In case he and Hayun will ever be a couple, will your ex throw a tantrum every time as well whenever Jisung gets a centimetre too close to her?
Now that you think about it, you’re honestly surprised that Hyunjin gave up on his comfort bed upstairs so easily. He’s usually not like that at all—rather spending time by spreading as much negativity as possible especially when it involves you. There’s no chance that he lets slip when it comes to making fun of you.
Maybe he knows about Changbin’s feelings for Hayun. After all, the boys are good friends and pretty close. Perhaps, Hyunjin switched places with Hayun to get a reaction out of you, to humiliate you in front of the others once you get jealous because of her.
Or that’s just the paranoia talking, who knows.
❄️
The sun is tinting the porch in an incredible shade of yellowish orange, similar to a tangerine if you will. The mountains are wearing the same layer and with each minute that passes, blue hour is announcing itself, creating an azure curtain on top of them instead.
Smells of grilled meat and fish, fresh vegetables and oven baked baguette are filling the air and for a shear moment you forget about all the troublesome things in your life.
“The food looks great,” Hayun says and you all agree.
It tastes even better than it looks and for the first time you feel somewhat okay again, blurring out what’s been bothering you these past weeks. Changbin is sitting next to you and it’s bearable, you don’t feel like crying for once.
Fuck. You wish you could be mad at him. Paint him as the devil. But he’s not. You’re both humans and you make mistakes like flawed characters in a romance movie you call your life. 
“Do you like it, too?”
The voice of your ex startles you at first but you nod. You can’t remember when it was the last time you talked to each other and it surprises you that no one has noticed yet that something is off between you. 
“Binnie?”
Hayun sounds so soft whenever a syllable passes her lips. You kind of get why Changbin has fallen for her, you can’t blame him once again.
“Yeah?”
“Can you hand me the garlic butter, please?”
He does as he’s told and it’s the first time that you witness something being off. It’s different between them. Almost intimate. 
You wonder if he’s taken her on a date yet but when you catch her smiling at him and hear a giggle erupt from your ex boyfriend, you think you’ve got your answer.
They’re subtle about it. Changbin would never humiliate you in front of the other ones. Although he has already suggested telling your friend group about the breakup, he respects that you’re not ready yet. It’s okay for you that Hayun knows, after all she’s one of his closest and longest friends. They spent every summer together, here in the mountains. Her family has a similar but smaller cottage like this, too, her father being a successful business man just like Changbin’s. They are meant for each other, it was destined to happen and you feel like a fool that you haven’t grasped it earlier.
Your thoughts keep drifting away and you’re glad that everyone is a little too occupied in their conversations to notice the anxiety washing over your body. Chan and Jisung are discussing some video game strategies and Noah and Felix are busy flirting with each other as they always are—similar to Hayun and Changbin but no one has noticed it so far.
Except for one person.
Hyunjin.
He’s sitting on your right side—you don’t know how he ended up there since he usually makes sure to keep a distance of at least two meters between the both of you.
You expect him to make a comment. He’s not oblivious, it’s clear that he realises what’s going on and why you’re so fed up. In addition, he still believes you’re with Changbin which turns the situation a lot more severe than it actually is.
Hyunjin still hasn’t said anything but his eyes are practically glued to your face, almost suspicious if anyone was watching. But no one observes the both of you.
And he wants to say something. Tell you that Changbin is a fucking asshole for flirting with Hayun in front of you, that it’s inappropriate to talk to her like that and that you shouldn’t feel bad about something like this since no one deserves this—not even you, his enemy.
But he can’t. He simply can’t. There’s too much distrust and hatred that has been established over the past one and a half years for him to be all caring to you. Although he wishes he could just ignore all that and pull you into a hug. You don’t deserve this. No one does.
Instead, Hyunjin settles for placing a few cut up fruits on your plate, giving you a warm smile, before he fills up your glass with more white wine and sparkling water. To not make it too suspicious, he adds some pieces of pineapple and peaches on Jisung’s plate, too, and then on his own.
You don't manage to let out a word so pressing your lips together will do. It almost makes it seem as if you’re smiling back at Hyunjin.
Besides that, you’re fucking confused.
This might sound stupid but this is the kindest thing Hyunjin has ever done to you. After all, he despises you with his whole being.
It’s not just caused by that bumpy first meeting the both of you share but there’s more behind it. Hyunjin and you have a relationship that can be defined as academic rivals. Since he is studying architecture with a minor in painting and you specialised in literature and politics, you tend to compete in different art contests, always fighting for the first win against each other.
So, that is a fucking big deal. It’s childish, of course. You’re not in high school anymore but that’s just how things between Hyunjin and you have always been. He’s this arrogant, ambitious and—unfortunately—absolutely attractive guy that constantly gets on your last nerve.
You don’t know what he truly thinks about you but you can judge by the way he treats you—taking every chance he gets to make every joke about you, to compete with you in the dumbest games and to rub it in your face how much he hates you.
It’s always been like this and it’ll always be this way. You’ve accepted it.
Maybe that’s why it confuses you so much that this slightest reaction, that absolute bare minimum of him wordlessly handing you more of the desserts lets butterflies erupt in your stomach. You can practically feel the beats of their wings, waiting to be let free.
“Are you alright?”
It’s Felix’s voice. He’s standing right behind you. Just now you realise that everyone has left the table. You must have zoned out for some time and feel a little embarrassed about it, if you’re honest.
You turn around to your friend, opening your mouth to say something but not even a single sound makes it past your lips.
“We can go for a walk, Y/N.”
You instantly nod and Felix helps you out of the chair, not saying anything, as he guides you to the forest that surrounds the cottage.
“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything earlier,” Felix admits. 
You’ve been walking for a couple of minutes, taking in every detail of what Mother Nature has to offer. You’re glad you joined the group on this trip despite the circumstances. Listening to the melodies of the birds and cicadas helps you ease your mind a little even if it’s just for a moment.
“It’s alright, Lix,” you reassure him.
How do you explain that you’re not mad at Changbin the way you should be according to Felix’s expectations? How do you tell him you broke up without telling him?
“I know he’s my friend,” he starts again, dragging you out of your daydreams, ”but that was awful and fucking rude of him. I should have punched him in the face for flirting with her in front of you.”
Fuck. What are you supposed to do? You’re not ready yet to tell him. Maybe just telling him it’s okay will end this uncomfortable conversation.
“Lix, it’s alright, really,” you say, looking at him.
“How’s this alright?!”
Or maybe it won’t stop him.
“He constantly complains about Jeongin and you when there’s nothing going on but then pulls a stunt like this? He can’t be for real,” Felix hisses.
“Bestie– slow down.”
Your hand lands on his shoulder, making him stop in his tracks. Felix steps on a twig, a cracking sound erupting from under his shoe.
“No, don’t bestie me, Y/N. I am sick and tired of how Changbin is treating you. If Noah behaved like this, it would be an instant dealbreaker for me. But I don’t want to compare our relationships.”
He’s practically yelling through the woods, shouting at the top of his lungs. You’ve never seen the sunshine boy so fucking furious and it makes you feel awful that he is so concerned.
But you’re not ready yet.
Admitting the breakup to Felix would… it would make it real.
“Then don’t, okay?”
Your best friend scoffs, staring at you dumbfounded.
“You deserve someone better. Someone who isn’t such a hypocrite and treats you like some trophy to show off and–“
“I’m going back inside. I need some time for myself,” you use as your last words.
Turning around on your feet, you head towards the cottage again. Felix follows you, calling out your name but you’re not listening. He realises then that you need to be alone right now but still walks behind you with a respectful distance. 
You reach the building a little later since you haven’t walked that far. The path you’re standing on is connected to the entrance door. You walk a little closer, getting the keys out of your back pocket.
And then you stop and freeze in your motion.
That’s when you see the last thing you've ever needed to see.
His lips on hers.
Changbin’s lips on Hayun’s.
Your friend’s lips on your ex boyfriend’s whom you're still in love with.
Stupid Hayun’s lips on stupid Binnie’s.
Your Binnie.
Well, not anymore.
With the way her back is only visible to you, you can't figure out if she’s returning his actions. But the lack of resistance tells you enough.
It’s when they’re already gone, disappearing somewhere in the woods themselves, that you’re finally able to allow oxygen to enter your system again. Your breath hitches and you unclench your jaw.
You hear someone panting behind you, almost scaring you again to make your body freeze once more but when you notice the noise you know it’s Felix.
“Why aren’t you inside the house? Waiting for me to apologise?”
You’re aware he wants to joke a little to take the seriousness out of the conversation and approach you. It’s something your best friend does quite a lot and usually you appreciate it.
But you’re not in a funny mood right now. Not at all.
You decide to not say anything. Felix should be aware to just shut up already, after all you’ve told him you want to be alone.
“Y/N… listen, I’m sorry,” he follows you when you get inside.
When will he realise?
“I said I need time. Alone.”
Felix finally grasps the pain in your voice and he feels like the universe’s worst friend to ever exist. He shouldn’t have pushed you. But he simply cares for you and hates seeing you like this.
“Alright, if you need anything, I’m upstairs.”
You give him a small smile as a gesture to let him know that it’s gonna be okay and that he shouldn’t feel bad or worry too much.
Heading towards the kitchen to get a glass of water, you realise that the ground floor is completely empty. Everyone must have gone to their bedrooms already.
Except for one person. 
One person in particular.
The last one you want to see, hear or even breathe the same air as right now.
Leaving the bathroom, he closes the door behind him and sinks down on one of the barstools located at the kitchen island.
He grabs one of the grapes from the fruit basket and guides it towards his mouth. You watch every move he makes, catching your heart skip a beat when your eyes focus on his plump lips for a little too long and how the purple berry disappears in his mouth. You wonder if he would look the same, keep his gaze focused on yours just as much, if you replaced it with one of your fingers.
Fuck.
“Trouble with your boyfriend?”
That’s the Hyunjin you know. Never missing a chance to provoke and make fun of you.
Rolling your eyes and downing the rest of your water, you walk around the kitchen island, ready to get upstairs. Unfortunately you have to pass Hyunjin in the process.
And he seizes that opportunity to wrap his fingers around your wrist, stopping you. Your eyes shift down to where your bodies connects and you don’t even realise that this is the first time he’s ever touched you. Well, you’re far too caught in the feeling, anyway.
He spins you around and pulls you closer, until your back crashes into the counter. You’re caged between the furniture and Hyunjin’s body now and you believe your head has never spun that fast, as if you’re driving on a no-limit highway.
Hyunjin’s eyes scan your face, taking in every detail while you’re busy observing that devilish smirk appearing on his.
Fuck.
Has he always made you feel this way?
You can’t quite explain what it is. A weird emotion combined of despise and desire.
But you’ve always known, if you want to defeat Hyunjin in the little mind games he enjoys to play you have to attack him with his own weapons.
“I liked you better at the dinner table when you were so caring for me,” you tease.
He chuckles, bringing his hand to your face to place a strand of your hair behind your ear and you fear that your heart might explode because of the sudden touch. Hyunjin definitely catches onto it.
“I’ve always liked you better when you knew how to shut up.”
His fingers wander further, stopping right under your chin to tilt your head upwards so that you’re on eye level with him.
“For someone who hates me with all this passion, you’ve got a lot of expectations related to me.”
He smirks again, “Who has ever said that I hated you?”
Hyunjin is playing his manipulative games again, you can see right through all those layers he’s hiding behind. But you’re done with this. He won’t humiliate you any further.
“Let me think,” you begin, “you have constantly annoyed me and called me names since I became a part of this friend group.”
His hand finds your face now, softly grazing over your cheeks which immediately heat up in embarrassment.
“I’m sorry, I think you’ve got it the wrong way, doll.”
The pet name sends utmost arousal straight down to your core.
“I’ve never meant to be mean to you,” Hyunjin says, aligning his lips with your ear as his voice turns into a whisper, “I was just mad about the fact you chose the wrong guy.”
He can’t be for real.
That bastard is still playing with you, knowing exactly how to get under your skin and he is aware that it works, as everything is goinh according to plan. He can tell by your reaction, by the cute little whimper you let out.
But that’s all you get for now, since Hyunjin is already taking a step back, leaving you unsatisfied and craving more before he’s even started.
“Fuck you, Hwang Hyunjin.”
All he does is let out a laugh that sounds more like a scoff. As if he’s said the truth and you’re the crazy one. But you won’t fall for it. You won’t fall for him.
At least you hope so.
You take a glimpse towards the stairs, contemplating just escaping again and heading towards your bedroom. Changbin is probably still outside with Hayun anyway, so you’ll have some time to yourself—finally.
“I saw everything they did on the front porch, by the way,” Hyunjin says when he notices your glances.
“I’m sorry to break it to you but your boyfriend is a piece of shit.”
You’re the one to scoff now.
“I thought he’s your friend?”
Hyunjin gets a little closer, his hand wandering down to your waist and you just let him. For some odd reasons you crave exactly one thing—the little touches of your enemy.
“Yeah, but unlike you my moral compass doesn’t stop for the people around me. I can still hold him accountable for what he does,” he states.
It’s one thing if Felix lectures you about Changbin.
It’s another one if you get into a childish fight with Jeongin because of it.
But it’s a whole new level if Hyunjin is the one to tell you about all the red flags of your not-anymore-boyfriend. You can’t look through that layer of manipulation and what his real intentions are.
However, what you do know is that he is getting on your last nerve with this.
“You’re wrong,” you counter, knowing he’s absolutely right. Not in that way since Hyunjin still assumes you’re a couple but you won’t leave that triumph to him. You value your pride a little too much for that.
“No, Y/N, you’re just fucking blind.”
That’s it. 
You’ve had enough. 
How dare he talk to you like that?
How dare he speak the truth?
But most importantly—how dare he get under your skin and make your heart feel all warm when he shouldn’t have that effect on you?
You push him away, finally stomping towards the staircase.
“You can’t escape reality, doll.”
❄️
Another half an hour has passed since you’ve been hiding in your bedroom. You sent Felix a quick text that you’ve gone to sleep and he feels a little reassured now. Having him worry about earlier is the last thing you want.
You’re scrolling through your phone, catching yourself looking at Hyunjin’s profile on Instagram for a little too long, already way too far into his posts, when the unexpected expected happens.
Your fingers develop a mind on their own and like a post.
From 2020.
Fuck.
You immediately eliminate the heart again, hoping he hasn’t noticed. But he’s never on his phone anyway and you expect him to be a person who usually turns off notifications for social media anyway.
“Hey.”
The door swings open and reveals your ex boyfriend behind it.
You take a quick notice of his appearance. He looks the same as he did before but you still wonder if he fucked her.
You wouldn’t be surprised after all.
Changbin takes a seat at the other side of the bed, visibly confused and embarrassed about how to handle the situation.
And he doesn’t even know yet that you saw them.
“Y/N… I can sleep on the floor, that’s alright with me,” he offers.
“No… don’t be ridiculous.”
You don’t want to come off too harsh but it’s a little silly. You’ve been together for so long, you won’t make him spend a night on the ground.
Switching beds with Hayun would be an option too but for that you have to, first, talk to Changbin about what you witnessed and, second, confess to Chan and Jisung that you broke up. If the latter finds out, the whole group will know it once the sun is up.
You get ready, change into some sleepwear and Changbin turns around out of respect which is once again a little ridiculous but you won’t argue. You kinda value it that he’s being a bit careful. He kind of owes you that.
You see him slipping out of his jeans and throwing the shirt to the floor, leaving his upper body naked and the rest only covered in his boxers.
Shit.
You may have underestimated that both physically and mentally.
Trying to not think about it too much, you get under the blanket, soon realising it’s only one that needs to be shared.
“I can bring another one from downstairs. I’m sure we have more bedsheets there, it’s warm tonight anyway.”
You shake your head no. “It’s alright. Really.”
Changbin nods and joins you. Saying that he feels awkward would be an understatement. There’s no word in this world to describe what’s going on in his head right now.
He wants to pull you close, tell you again how fucking sorry he is how things turned out with the both of you. He wants to make up for treating you so poorly during the last months of your relationship. He wants to apologise for being such a huge hypocrite.
But it seems as if you’re faster.
“I saw you… with her.”
His eyes shut close in regret and he needs to take a deep breath first, his head hanging low.
“Y/N, I’m so fucking sorry…”
“Why? I’m… I’m happy for you,” you say with a forced smile.
Changbin tilts his view towards you now, searching for any signs that you’re lying but you’ve always carried the best poker face in this world.
“I didn’t sleep with her,” he immediately says.
“Congrats,” you sarcastically let out.
Maybe he’s got his truth now.
“We just kissed,” he explains. “We will wait until you’re ready to tell the others that we broke up and I won’t get together with her until you’re over me.”
You close your eyes, pressing your lips together as you let your head fall back. It crashes against the wall behind you and you cringe a little when the stinging sensation starts spreading over your scalp.
“Who said I wasn’t over you?”
Changbin hastily blinks once, twice, three times.
“Oh, you are?”
Fuck.
Of course you’re not.
But you feel so fucking bad. For your past relationship. For him. But mostly for yourself.
You want to forget him and throw those feelings onto the pile of garbage you call the mess between Changbin and you.
Maybe the first step for getting over him is pretending that you are. Fake it til you make it, as they say.
“I met someone,” you lie.
“Oh… I’m happy to hear that, really.”
You can’t quite tell what he’s truly thinking but you won’t push it.
“Do you… want us to tell the others, then?”
You sigh, “Yeah… Maybe… tomorrow evening once the time is right. I don’t want to destroy the whole trip, you know, and we’re gonna leave Sunday morning anyway.”
Changbin nods, “Is that really alright with you? I promise I will tone it down a bit with her. I apologise for flirting in front of you, it wasn’t my intention to humiliate you, Y/N.”
You give him a quick smile.
“You should go to bed, Binnie,” you say, when you notice the tiredness in his eyes.
Ironically, he yawns, before a chuckle escapes his lips.
“You’re right. What about you?”
Getting up from the bed again, you walk towards the door.
“I’m still pretty much awake. I’m gonna go downstairs and make myself some tea.”
Changbin nods.
“Tell me if you need anything, yeah?”
He gets a reassuring smile from you, “Goodnight, Binnie.”
Your ex disappears under the covers.
“Goodnight, princess.”
You decide it’s best to ignore how this common pet name makes you feel, before you leave the bedroom. Changbin probably just said it out of habit and tiredness and you won’t blame him for it.
Putting on some slippers you left in the upper corridor, you walk down the stairs and enter the kitchen.
“I need a fucking drink,” you say to no one in particular but as if you called him, Hyunjin gets up from his bed—the living room sofa—and joins you.
“How come? Trouble in paradise?”
You shoot him a warning glance but all he does is chuckle and disappear behind the counter. Hyunjin grabs a glass from the upper cabinet, before he starts combining some liquids together. 
He hands you the beverage a little later.
“I don’t like Gin Tonic,” you say.
He scoffs, snapping the drink out of your hand again, “Then make your own fucking drink.”
Not listening to anything he says, you conquer the cocktail back, holding eye contact with him as you gulp down half of the mixture.
The glass lands on the counter with a loud thud and Hyunjin is fast to down the rest of it.
“Now tell me, doll. Why are you here and not fucking your boyfriend?”
You wonder if Hyunjin has ever imagined you with Changbin together.
Or if he’s ever imagined the both of you together.
Because, as you must admit, the idea has crossed your mind way more often than you would have liked.
You’ve never been someone who is sexually attracted to a person they despise but with Hyunjin it’s different. You blame it on the rivalry and the fact you’ve never gotten along with him that makes it so forbidden but arousing.
“He’s not my boyfriend anymore,” you say, walking around the kitchen island to make another drink. You kinda find liking in Gin Tonic, you must say.
Hyunjin takes the first few sips this time and you admit that it’s kind of odd that you’re sharing a drink in the first place—not that you mind. This way, you can pay attention to how pretty and full his lips are.
Wait, what?
“Oh, so you broke up with him? Just right now?”
You shake your head, before you drink the rest of the Gin Tonic.
“Nah, we ended things a couple of weeks ago. We simply haven’t told anyone yet to not ruin the trip.”
Hyunjin raises his eyebrows, “But ruining the trip for yourself seemed bearable? Let me guess, it was his idea?”
“Actually, it was mine.”
He wants to ask if you’re stupid but decides against it.
“How come?”
“I’m… not over him yet,” you confess and blame it on the third drink you’re sharing with him in such a short amount of time.
“Yeah, I can tell.”
You scoff.
“Fuck you, Hwang.”
He smirks, thinking it would be way more fun if he would fuck you instead but he’s smart enough to not speak those ideas out loud. However, he knows exactly what you need and he’s sure he will be able to grant it to you tonight.
“You don’t even know me enough to judge me,” you add, filling the glass with gin and then tonic again. 
Hyunjin takes the first few sips and watches you copy his motions before he replies. After all, he doesn’t want you to spill any of the drink which is very likely with what he says next.
“I know you well enough to know that I want you.”
His eyes turn dark now and you don’t say anything against it. Not even when he presses you against the kitchen counter, now even closer than earlier. Hyunjin grabs you by the waist, his lips dangerously near to your face.
You still don’t say anything against it.
Why would you?
There’s this certain feeling down in your core again and, embarrassing enough, your panties are already soaked.
Yes. This is fucking pathetic and you blame it both on the ongoing tension between your rival and you as well as the four half drinks you’ve had in about fifteen minutes.
His fingers are brushing over your cheek again before they travel further and stop at your mouth. Hyunjin grazes over your lips and you know exactly what he’s asking for—parting them, you allow him entrance. You start sucking on them, keeping your oh so innocent looking eyes fixated on his. 
Hyunjin catches his own lower lip between his teeth and he fears he might cum in his pants at the sight of you taking his digits in. He wonders how beautiful you might look if he replaced them with his cock but that has to wait for now.
His other hand wanders down to your thighs and as if you’re on autopilot, you spread your legs a little, allowing him to slip right between them. His fingers disappear inside your pyjama shorts next, running over your very much drenched panties and Hyunjin lets out the most evil chuckle you’ve ever witnessed.
“It’s your choice now, doll—do you want me to fuck you on the sofa or are you so impatient that I should rather bend you over the counter here?”
Fuck. You’re so doomed.
“I don’t fucking care, Hwang, I don’t want to be thinking or making any decision now.”
He chuckles and lets go of your body, earning a little whine from you which immediately gets both to his head and cock.
“Let me be a gentleman and carry you to my bed then, hm?”
Hyunjin guides you to the living room, sitting down and pulling you on top of him. 
Fuck. You look like a fucking godess. He can’t believe that he’d ever have his enemy and rival straddle his lap like this. 
You still look so innocent like this, trusting him completely with what’s to follow.
“Just make me forget about him,” you say.
And that’s all Hyunjin needs to crash his lips into yours.
You’ve always wondered what kissing Hyunjin feels like but nothing comes close to reality.
It’s like a surprise firework on your birthday, enlightening the city in your favourite colours.
It’s like the sudden sunbeams hitting your face on the first day of spring, pushing away the coldness in your heart that winter placed there.
It’s like listening to your favourite song for the first time but never getting tired of it, not even after playing it on loop for hours.
Kissing Hyunjin is calm—it’s feeling secure again after the thunderstorm stops. 
Kissing Hyunjin is heartwarming—it’s being completely safe after the anxiety vanishes away.
Kissing Hyunjin is all you’ve ever needed.
However, your mind decides against letting you give in completely.
Pictures of your ex boyfriend blind your vision and you soon realise that Hyunjin and you have not enough trust which you need to be intimate with someone. Yes, you’re absolutely attracted to him. But there’s more. The anxiety is eating you alive and you can’t go any further. At least not yet.
So, you pull away.
You instantly see the fear washing over his face, as Hyunjin’s eyes widen.
“Fuck– Y/N– I’m sorry–“
Getting up from him, you sink down next to him, keeping your eyes on his.
“Hyun?”
It just feels right to tell him. You don’t even know why but there’s this immense urge bubbling inside you that wants you to share your psychological background with him.
You don’t know where the trust is coming from—maybe it’s the way he noticed something was off at the dinner table, maybe it’s the fact he is granting you his time and promising you to make you forget about Changbin or maybe it’s the possibility that he doesn’t hate you after all.
“Yeah?”
Talking about your darkest secret if you want to call it that may reveal the true side of Hyunjin.
“Would you… would you listen to me if I told you a little more about myself?”
He gives you an encouraging smile, already making you confident in your decision.
"Always," he says.
“There’s no going back once I start,” you warn him.
“Go on.”
You take a deep breath, close your eyes, let the air escape again before your gaze finds his.
“You may have noticed when we first met but,” you pause for a little, “I tend to get quite emotional from time to time.”
Hyunjin nods attentively and when you realise there’s not a single sign of judgement on his face, you feel comfortable enough to continue.
“Only a few people know—of course Changbin but also Jeongin and Felix are aware of my anxiety disorder.”
He’s getting a little overwhelmed, nodding whenever you finish a sentence but you won’t stop.
“For some people it's a deal breaker—which is honestly valid—but I’d like to explain more and once I’m finished feel free to treat me the usual way again.”
You get it now. Laying the cards on the table has a strategy behind it—your enemy can’t turn your words against you when you have control and power over them.
Hyunjin gulps, before he gives you a sign to continue.
“Most of the time, the anxiety attacks are caused by social situations and me being overwhelmed either in crowds or while talking in front of groups, even my friends. Maybe you remember—I experienced one when I visited yours and Felix’s apartment for the first time.”
He nods again. Hyunjin wants to hold your hand, tell you it’s gonna be alright and that he will always listen to you but decides against it. It would probably be inappropriate anyway.
“I’ve been in therapy for almost two years now but I barely see any difference. I know how to handle the attacks in theory but that’s it. I just,” you take another deep breath, your gaze evading Hyunjin’s l, “I’ve had enough of people treating me as if I’m made of glass, as if I can’t speak up for myself.” 
Hyunjin has never treated you like this, now that you think about it. It’s quite the opposite with him although this doesn’t make his behaviour any better, of course.
“Changbin has always been like this…”
Hyunjin gets furious now, finally saying something since he can’t hold back his emotions.
“That’s because– that’s because that idiot has never actually cared about you.”
His words become a blur and so does your vision when suddenly the tears start running down your cheeks, blinding what’s in front of you.
Fuck.
Hyunjin shouldn’t have been so insensitive.
What is he supposed to do now?
You’re crying in front of him and it’s kind of his fault and kind of not but he’s sure any possible further damage will be in fact caused by him if he doesn’t react at all.
He decides to place his hand on your back, softly stroking it and when you don’t push him away, he scoots a little closer. Your head is hanging low, face disappearing in the palms of your hands. When you look up again, Hyunjin sees how puffy and red your eyes have turned.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
He’s apologising?
Hyunjin seems to be up for many surprises tonight.
You’re the one to fall forward now, catching him in a hug as your face lands on his chest, buried in his shirt.
“Just so you know,” he starts with a low and quiet voice, when he believes it’s okay to speak again, “I’ve already assumed you’ve been suffering from this. I’m sorry if I’ve ever made it worse, I didn’t think about it that way and I would never intentionally cause any harm that is connected to–“
“Hyun, it’s okay,” you reassure him. “I have ninety nine other issues with you but that’s none of it. You’ve never triggered anything regarding my anxiety.”
He chuckles, pulling you closer. His hand is gently patting your head now.
“Can I tell you something?” 
You scoot a bit back so that you’re able to look at him, “Sure.”
It’s weird how safe you feel in a setting like this with him. That’s really the last thing you would have ever expected. How on earth is the man you despise the most so caring and soft in a vulnerable situation like this?
Hyunjin takes another one of those deep breaths.
“I don’t want to downplay any of your emotions but I want you to know that you’re more than that. I don’t mean that you could be more, you already are. For some people like you,” or like us, he wants to add, “it’s hard in a world like this with the circumstances and all. If a flower doesn’t grow you wouldn’t blame it on the flower, you would adjust the surroundings, right?”
You smile at him, “Wow, Hwang, you’re an actual poet.”
A red layer appears on his cheeks.
“Thank you for this,” you add. “Really.”
“I mean it. We may get in fights and compete in all those university things but this is the last thing you should worry about when it comes to me. Thank you for telling and trusting me,” he says.
“Thank you for listening.”
You stay like this for a minute, until a yawn slips out of your mouth.
“Are you getting tired?”
You nod, before you excuse yourself to the bathroom. Taking your time, you reminisce about the night and all the words you shared with Hyunjin. For some reason, it makes you feel at ease and lets your heart skip a beat at the same time.
Then you feel them again. Those butterflies in your stomach but you decide to drown them in tap water that you’re hastily chugging down.
For fuck’s sake. You can’t fall in love with Hwang Hyunjin.
Sure, he’s the hottest guy on campus and just listened to you whine for at least half an hour but that’s it.
Once you’re ready for bed, you join Hyunjin in the living room one last time. It would be weird to just go upstairs without saying any word after that talk.
Until you notice him throw his blanket and all the pillows around, creating a makeshift mattress on the floor besides the couch.
“You’re sleeping on the sofa, I’ll stay here,” he says, pointing to the ground.
“What?”
“I’m not gonna let you sleep upstairs in a bed with Changbin,” Hyunjin says.
“I think I can decide for myself. Are you jealous?”
He scoffs, ”Do whatever you want.”
The fact he doesn’t answer your question tells you enough and you blame it on the security your enemy has given you over the last hour and all the trust he has built, when you come to the realisation that sleeping downstairs with your longtime rival sounds way more appealing than spending the night with your ex.
You want to get over him. Maybe that’s the first step.
Sinking down on the sofa, you watch Hyunjin disappear under his blanket until he is kicking his feet, unable to find a comfortable position. He groans, earning a chuckle from you.
“Come here,” you say.
“Huh?”
He’s sitting up in his makeshift bed now.
“There’s enough space for the both of us,” you add.
“A-Are you sure?”
You almost find it cute when he is so shy around you. 
Almost.
“Yes.”
“Even after,” he starts again, “the kiss earlier? You were hesitant about that.”
You pull up the blanket, inviting him in.
“Oh, that was because I couldn’t get… him out of my mind and it felt unfair.”
Hyunjin joins you now, getting closer to you.
“We can always try another time, you know. My offer is still on the table.”
Embarrassment rushes to your head.
“Okay. I’ll come back to it.”
Hyunjin places a soft kiss on your cheek, before he watches you doze off to sleep.
❄️
“Good morning,” Hyunjin says when he sees you open your eyes.
“How long have you been awake?” you ask with a sleepy voice, clearing your throat a little.
“I just woke up,” he lies, not wanting to tell you that he’s been watching you being in a deep slumber for the past half an hour.
A bit later, you stand up and head towards the bathroom while Hyunjin takes care of the mess in his bed. There’s no way anyone can know that you fell asleep cuddling your enemy last night.
When you come back, dressed for the day, Noah and Felix are already in the kitchen, preparing some breakfast for the whole group.
“Did you sleep well?” the freckled boy asks and you nod, helping him and his partner prepare the food.
You notice that your best friend is still severly sorry for how he handled the situation yesterday but you’re sure you can talk it all out later, once the time is right. A reassuring smile from you is enough to ease his mind for now.
After all, no one—except for Hyunjin and Hayun—knows that Changbin and you aren’t a couple anymore.
Speaking of the devil, Changbin joins the rest of the group in the kitchen, giving you a small smile when he sees you. You return the gesture, handing him a glass filled with fresh orange juice. He’s always liked this beverage so much and when your fingers graze over his, you’re instantly brought back to all the memories you share.
Until someone else drags you out of your daydreams.
Hyunjin is back from the bathroom—wet hair sticking to his face and neck and your knees instantly turn into jelly—on his way to his backpack that is located in the living room. He passes Changbin, bumping his shoulder in the process and the older one just looks at him dumbfounded, almost spilling his orange juice over the kitchen tiles.
“Dude, what was that for?”
“Sorry,” Hyunjin says, “not on purpose.”
He grabs a grape from the fruit basket and disappears in the bathroom again.
Your ex’s gaze is switching towards you now, finding your eyes following your enemy’s figure but Changbin tries to not read too much into it. You’re not his girlfriend anymore, after all.
❄️
Changbin is not thinking about anything related to those suspicions anymore, when you’ve been on this hike for almost four hours now. He is guiding the way with Chan, as they share something about sports or whatever. They’re followed by Hayun and Jisung.
Noah and Hyunjin are walking in front of Felix and you, as they talk about different art works and paintings, deep diving into the biographies of their favourite painters. You hear your enemy joke about how he one day wants to adopt a goat and name the pet Vincent Van Goat in honour of one of his beloved artists.
You suppress a chuckle, before you come back to the current conversation with Felix.
“Y/N?”
Your best friend suddenly calling you while being right next to you confuses you.
“Yeah?”
“I want to apologise,” he begins again, “I should have been more sensitive yesterday. It’s just– you’re so important to me and regarding your mental health, I’m just a little scared that Changbin isn’t the right partner for you. But if you’re sure that he’s good for you I won’t stand in the way and accept–“
“We broke up,” you blurt out, kind of glad that Felix and you are a bit far away from the rest of the group.
“What?”
Felix can’t believe what he’s just heard. He hopes you didn’t do this simply because he pressured you.
“Actually, we haven’t been a couple anymore for a few weeks, we simply didn’t want to ruin the trip for you guys and make you feel as if you’re in the middle… like some children of divorced parents, you know.”
Felix feels bad for always jokingly calling Changbin and you mum and dad of the group.
“You know how toxic it grew… and… ironically, he confessed that he is developing feelings for someone else so we ended it.”
Felix shuts his eyes close, hidden behind his hands.
“Fuck… I’m so sorry, Y/N.”
You softly pat his shoulders, chuckling about the fact that you’re reassuring him now.
“It’s okay, Lix. It’s for the better. I will realise this one day when I’m over him.”
He gives you a warm smile and your best friend wants to say more but he needs too long to find the fitting words and in the meantime, Noah turns around, joining the conversation.
“Guys, look, can you believe that Hyunjin drew this? In like ten minutes?”
It’s at this moment that your eyes are blessed with the most astonishing art you’ve ever seen. Yet so simple but it carries so many emotions, it lets you fall into a deep pool of delusion right again.
Hyunjin made a pencil sketch, a scene that’s so familiar—it’s the cottage’s kitchen, featuring the barstools you sat on and the fruit basket that’s filled with the delicious, purple grapes.
The four of you just stand there, Noah, Felix and you admiring the art that is filling your vision and when your gaze flickers up to Hyunjin you find him visibly shy and embarrassed. There’s blush on his cheeks again and for some reason it makes him even more adorable.
Jesus Christ.
Calm the fuck down, Y/N.
But you don’t want to act suspicious. It’s enough that you finally told Felix about the breakup, you can’t tell him you made out with his roommate who happens to be your longtime enemy.
❄️
For dinner, the group decides to go to a fancy but cosy restaurant, celebrating the last evening together in a setting like this. It’s weird knowing that almost half of your friends won’t have another college vacation after this, as they’re entering their last semester. 
Adulthood is weird. Everyone is in different stages at the same time and you’re constantly wondering if you’re doing something wrong. It’s not that you're much behind but with the pressure you get—especially from your mother—it’s never been easy. You would lie if you said that this isn’t one of the main factors that feeds your constant anxiety.
When you approach the assigned table, Chan, Jisung and Changbin have already taken seats on the booth. To their opposite is the rest of the group, which leaves you to join the side your ex boyfriend is sitting at.
“Y/N,” Jisung cries out for you, “please sit next to your boyfriend, he’s getting on my last nerve, maybe you can make him focus on something else than annoying me.”
Chan lets out a chuckle and all you can do is sink down next to your ex, trying to be as normal about it as possible.
Changbin stays as quiet as you and when you look at the other side, you see an apologetic look on Hayun’s face.
You want to be mad at her. You really want to.
But there’s nothing wrong about falling in love, right?
At least that’s what you keep trying to tell yourself in order to get over this mess.
Hyunjin shoots a glare at you but you can’t read what’s on his mind so you drop the thoughts on that.
“We should get buzzed later, play some dumb drinking games,” Jisung suggests. Noah nods, finding the idea quite entertaining.
That’s how you find yourself in the cottage’s living room one and a half hours later, sipping on some beer as Noah and Jisung get everything ready. You’ve played through a couple rounds of Most Likely To and some other drinking games, until Chan suggests to continue with Truth Or Dare.
You combine it with spinning the bottle, feeling like teenagers again but it’s funny, you have to admit.
Until the sexual questions start.
“Truth or dare?” Noah asks, directing their gaze to your ex who chooses the first option.
“Hm, let me think… have you ever had sex in a public place?”
Changbin chuckles, “Yeah. Many times, mostly in the gym.”
All eyes are on you now and you see Jisung wiggling his eyebrows. Of course, they expect that he’s referring to you which he in fact is but it’s uncomfortable hearing him mention your past encounters.
Unfortunately, it brings back all those memories, flashing in front of your eyes.
The way Changbin would make sure that no one is around to catch you, before he would bend you over some piece of sport equipment, putting you into a chokehold with his muscular arms, as he would listen to all those cute little whimpers spilling from your lips.
He would make you cum over and over again, praising you with no end, when your legs start shaking and you beg for more. It would feel heavenly, getting stuffed with his thick cock, while he calls you his princess, forcing yet another moan out of your mouth.
The game goes on without you taking notice, Felix is next, doing some embarrassing dare and you laugh along when he makes a fool out of himself but the pictures of Changbin and you stay right there where they are.
“Y/N. Truth or dare?”
Jisung voice awakens you. Severly startled, you start giggling, looking at your friend, “Truth?”
It’s a safer choice. You’re afraid he’s gonna make you do some dare that involves your ex boyfriend and after all, you both are gonna announce the breakup to the rest of the group soon anyway.
Yup. It’s definitely better this way.
You think.
Until Jisung asks his question.
“Is there anyone in this room who you would fuck except for your boyfriend?”
It’s as if a thunderstorm suddenly appears outside, smashing the doors shut, killing the lights and all the electricity. Time stands still for at least half a minute. You taste the beer on your tongue, reminding yourself once again that you usually prefer wine or even the Gin Tonic that Hyunjin mixed.
Hyunjin.
Right.
This would be your truthful answer. But you can’t say this. It’s not just because it would create drama, you simply can’t make a fool out of yourself by admitting that you would allow your dearest enemy to touch you.
Which has almost happened and the idea hasn’t left your mind since then.
Fuck.
You should have told all of them sooner that you broke up. That he constantly went jealous because of your not anymore best friend and is instead dating another girl of your group now.
You should have told them how he broke your heart so many times with all those drunken fights, how he bombarded your phone with text messages when you were hanging out with Jeongin or how he didn’t listen when you explained there’s nothing to worry about.
You should have told them.
So much earlier. 
You should have gotten over it by now, not make such a big deal out of it.
What are one and a half years, right?
It’s nothing and you should stop crying about it.
But why are you taking the blame?
It’s not your fault Changbin and you broke up but you will always defend him. Love turns us blind, makes us do the stupidest, most self destructive things imaginable.
“Hey, Y/N,” Chan suddenly says beside you, “you don’t have to answer Jisung’s stupid question. We all know that you’re head over heels for Binnie only, hm?”
Your cheeks suddenly feel wet and you realise you’ve started crying, when Felix pulls you closer.
“We broke up,” Changbin finally says, knowing the words won’t make it past your lips in these conditions.
Shock rushes over all unknown faces. It’s as if you told them the earth would end tomorrow. 
Their favourite couple—broken up?
“This is even worse than Hyuna and Dawn,” Noah cries out.
When you move away a little, giggling about your friend's comment, your gaze meets Changbin’s. There are tears in his eyes and you don’t know how you feel about that.
Shifting to the right, you notice Hayun—she’s severly uncomfortable too and you wonder if she’s ever felt bad about the whole situation. Of course, she can’t control her feelings and so far her and Changbin have stayed as discreet as possible but you wonder if you should be mad at her for even dating your ex.
Isn’t that some code that friends usually follow?
Well, you’ve always been one to place other people’s needs in front of yours.
When your eyes switch to Hyunjin, you can see him gripping the carpet under his fingers. You can’t read what those actions mean but he seems angry for whatever reason.
The emotions are bubbling up in him as well and he can’t understand how Changbin could treat you like that especially now that he knows about your mental background.
Fuck.
You need a minute.
You really need to get out of here before the feelings wash over you like a tsunami.
“Excuse me,” you whisper to Felix and stand up, running towards the stairs before climbing them.
Back in the shared bedroom, you manage to calm down a little at least. Taking a few sips from a bottle of water helps you further, before you sink down on the mattress.
Fuck. Was it wrong to escape?
Your phone—lying beside you with the screen facing the ceiling—lights up, indicating you received a message.
[Felix 🐥 23:12]: hey do you need anything? we’re all gonna go to bed now but I was wondering if you need to talk or anything. I love you and you’re so strong, please don’t ever forget that 🩵
A soft smile creeps up on your face and you instantly start typing.
[You 23:14]: I’m alright Lixie, thank you 😊 I will go to bed too, goodnight and I love you too 🩵
You lay the phone aside, as you hear a knock from the other side of the door.
“Yeah?”
Changbin reveals himself.
“I… I can stay downstairs, if you like.”
You shake your head no, “It’s okay, really.”
He doesn’t even seem to be aware that you didn’t sleep here last night either but Changbin has always turned into a literal stone when he was asleep.
He nods, approaching you, as he takes off his clothes like he did yesterday, leaving him only in his underwear. You change into your pyjamas again and when you’re about to head towards the door to get to the bathroom, Changbin almost runs into you, having the same plan.
You halt in place for a second, totally forgetting about your initial idea. He looks at you and you stare right back, noticing the tears pricking at his lower lash lines.
“So, that was it?”
Your lower lip gets caught between your teeth.
“I think so…”
“You think so?”
You nod, “I’ll need some time to get over you, if I’m honest.”
Changbin tilts his head, placing two fingers under your chin to make you look at him again.
“What about the guy you met?”
You chuckle, remembering the lie you told him and for some reason it makes you think of Hyunjin.
“It’s nothing serious,” you say, knowing it’s the truth although you’re denying those developing feelings by doing so.
“It’s… it’s nothing serious with us, either. Well, Hayun and I talked again and she needs some time to… rethink everything, you know. She doesn’t want to betray her friend.”
Cool. But why isn’t she the one to tell you this?
“Oh, okay. I mean—you have my blessings. It’s alright, really.”
Changbin doesn’t know what to answer, he’s never been as much at a loss of words as he is now, so instead of talking he pulls you into a hug.
“I’m sorry again. For everything.”
You smile, burying your face in his chest. Changing your posture a little, your head is placed on his shoulder now, giving him better access to whisper right into your ear.
“I love you, Y/N.”
The tears start rushing down again, turning your eyes all puffy and red like they usually do.
“I love you too, Bin.”
It’s the last chance you get to tell him.
It’s fucking dumb and self destructive. 
But you don’t want to get better yet. Sometimes the hurt feels comforting if it’s all we’ve ever known.
He pulls away from you then, his eyes meeting your own.
You don’t know what overcomes you right at that moment, but you decide to close the gap between the both of you and connect your lips with his. Changbin instantly gives in, kissing you back as if his life depended on it.
He’s always been so passionate, able to make you forget about all your surroundings when he was intimate with you.
And maybe this familiarity, this closure, this safety is what keeps you continuing. 
Your tongue is entangled with his, your fingers are playing with his curls and his hands are grabbing you by the waist, pulling you even closer.
It overcomes you then.
A huge wave. The whole tsunami.
Just like earlier but so much more intense.
Quicker than you’re able to grasp it, Changbin and you are already stumbling towards the bed, before you land on the cushion right underneath him.
Your ex has always managed to make you feel like the only person in a room full of people. Maybe that’s why it is hard for you to let go. He’s given you security. Not in a strange, oddinary way as Hyunjin ironically does but in a way that feels like home.
Changbin used to be the man of your dreams and he did a lot for it before things turned toxic. He showered you with compliments, praised you for all the baby steps you made, catered you to your every whim.
Sure, he had shown you off, for some eyes like a trophy, but that had been his love language after all. He wanted you to be the spotlight because you were his spotlight. Maybe you still are, he believes, when he just figures out how to flip the switch again.
That’s the thing with toxic relationships.
Often, they don’t turn that way because a person wants to hurt the other. Everyone is carrying their luggage of emotional trauma with them, unintentionally hurting others if they don’t manage to deal with their own problems.
Toxic relationships don’t feel entirely bad. They’re more like a rollercoaster with insane ups and downs and those ups are what keep us captured in them. Almost like a poison, like a drug that we become addicted to.
You’re glad now that Changbin and you ended things before it turned even worse.
Although, this realisation doesn’t seem to hold you back from spreading your legs for your ex boyfriend, as he’s slipping his fingers into your shorts, passing your underwear when he finds you absolutely wet underneath.
Just when he’s about to push two of his fingers into your aching hole, you wake up from those little dreams and real life hits you right in the face.
He’s gonna do this with her, too.
After this you’ll be back where you started, maybe even worse, hitting rock bottom this time.
You should stop.
This is the worst thing you could be doing now in order to get over him.
And when the picture of a different certain someone crosses your mind, you reach for Changbin’s wrist and bring him to a halt.
“A-Are you okay, princess?”
He gets up from you when he senses that you’re not, falling down on his calves now.
You are in a seating position as well, still kind of avoiding his gaze.
Fuck.
You shouldn’t have kissed him in the first place. You should have known that your stupid little heart can’t take it.
But are you really the one to blame?
“I’m sorry I– this was a bad idea,” you admit.
He nods, “Yeah– I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that… you know.”
You take a deep breath, reaching for his hand.
“It’s alright. It felt right at that moment but I think it’s best if I… I need some space, you know?”
Changbin immediately agrees with you, “I can stay downstairs, if you like.”
You shake your head no. “No, it’s okay. You need to sleep, you have a long car ride ahead of you and I will just come back here once I have rearranged my thoughts a little.”
Chan and Changbin will be the drivers tomorrow and you know how much your ex values his full eight hours of sleep.
“If that ever changes and you want me to leave, please tell me, okay?”
“I will,” you say, before you get up.
“Take care.”
You nod, “I’ll stay on the lot, no worries.”
Going downstairs will probably calm you down a bit although deep down you know there’s another reason you’re heading for this location in specific.
After all, it’s not just the emotional garbage between Changbin and you that made you suddenly stop this encounter.
There was someone else on your mind, getting under your skin without touching you and now that’s all you crave—Hyunjin’s intimacy.
So, you start searching for him, feeling a little pathetic about the fact you’re practically running after him but he’s offered it after all, right?
You find both the living room and kitchen empty, Hyunjin isn’t in the bathroom either. Just when you catch a quick glimpse of the patio, you see Hyunjin sitting there, sipping on some drink. He’s watching the distance, taking in the details of the fabulous mountains surrounding him and that’s when you observe a notebook placed on the table. The boy is scribbling something into it, probably working on another drawing.
When you join him outside, he rapidly shuts the booklet and turns around to you.
“Still up?” you ask.
“No, I am sleeping with my eyes open,” he hisses.
You roll your own and sink down on the chair next to him.
“I liked that drawing Noah showed us earlier,” you confess, trying to start a conversation with him.
Why are you so kind?
He decides to ignore your advances. Hyunjin doesn’t know what to read into it and although he likes getting attention from you, he notices something else.
Your hair is a little disheveled and your lips are puffy, as if you just kissed someone or… even more.
“Did you have a good time?” he asks then.
“Huh?”
What is he referring to?
“You know, fucking your ex boyfriend.” 
Hyunjin turns around, so that he’s closer to you. In the blink of an eye, the palm of his hand meets your half-naked thigh, slowly wandering upwards.
“Or are you back together and you’re letting other men touch you?”
You gulp, shaking your head no.
“No– we kissed, that’s all– it was a mistake, I know that.”
He chuckles. 
“But you still wanted him, huh?”
Hyunjin’s lips are attached to your neck all suddenly and you let him, desperately trying to keep that moan inside that is bubbling up in your throat. His tongue grazes over a certain spot that always turns your whole body weak but you’re not fighting against it.
“You know,” he starts again, disconnecting his mouth from your skin for a moment, “it’s kinda funny that everyone thinks you’re so innocent when you’re so easy, letting your worst enemy touch you like this.”
Hyunjin’s hand that is still lying on your leg travels under your pyjama shorts and he lets out a grunt when he feels the wet patch on your panties. You spread your legs a little, giving him better access.
“Who’s that for?”
You let out a moan, when he pushes the fabric aside, wasting no time to painfully slowly brush over your clit with two of his fingers. They go further south, circling around your entrance before Hyunjin spreads your dripping arousal all over your folds.
It’s embarrassing enough that you’ve never been this wet before, you believe, but it’s even worse that he secretly notices that this isn’t because of your ex but because of your enemy.
“I asked you a question, doll,” Hyunjin says, decreasing the pace of his motions. It’s not a surprise that he’s such an incredible artist, when he’s so talented in drawing those satisfying patterns over your sensitive bundle of nerves.
And his fingers. Fuck. You’ve stared at them before, you must admit. Wondered how pretty they would look wrapped around your throat or disappearing inside your cunt.
“It’s– fuck, it’s you, okay?”
Hyunjin smirks, pulling his fingers away and out of your pants.
What the fuck?
He earns a whine from you and just shoots you another one of those devilish smiles, as you watch him lick his fingers clean from your essences.
Hyunjin suddenly gets up from his seat, grabbing you by the wrist and making you stand on your feet as well. He’s guiding you inside without a word and you’re just helplessly stumbling behind him, following the path he’s creating.
“Where are we going?”
He comes to a halt when you’re in front of the sofa—your bed of last night and as it seems of the following one as well—adding another chain of those passionate kisses on your jawline, before they travel further down to your neck.
“I made a promise, you remember?”
His eyes are on your again and you wished he continued placing those kisses on your skin but you won’t ask him that. You still carry some pride and dignity, although those last pieces are surely crumbling into nothing by now.
“A promise?”
What does he mean by that?
Hyunjin drags you further to the couch, before he sinks down on it and places you on top of him. You’re in the same position you were in yesterday, patiently waiting for an answer or just any move from him.
“I’ll make you forget him,” Hyunjin starts. “We’re not gonna stop until the only two syllables falling from your mouth are those that make up my name.”
Fuck. You’ve never known he has such a way with words, he’s almost competing with you in your writing and poem skills.
It overcomes you then. Your lips crash into his, creating those feelings of a thousand butterflies in your belly but you allow them.
Your tongues have become experts in dancing with one another, the rhythm is so smooth and sensual. Hyunjin moans into your mouth once you start grinding on top of him, feeling his covered growing erection poke into the material of your shorts.
His hands are grabbing you by the waist, helping you with your movements and you once again get reminded of how big they are. He’s pulling you closer, treating every touch and kiss as if they’re his oxygen that he needs to survive.
You’ve never felt something like this before but you let it, knowing it’s the start of a new chapter in life. Although you’ve never imagined your enemy to take a leading role in it, if you’re honest.
That’s when you start questioning this whole agreement.
“What’s in it for you?” you ask, pulling away from him.
“What do you mean?”
You look at him, tilting your head a little.
“You hate me… why are you voluntarily touching me?”
Hyunjin chuckles, his fingers digging into your sides when he slips them under your shirt.
“Well, I can’t deny that you’re fucking hot and beautiful. Besides that, you’re gonna realise why I’m not opposed to it at all,” he teases.
You let him.
You allow him all of it.
A few more kisses on your neck. A few more grinding motions over his bulge. A few soft touches under your shirt before his hands wander upwards and cup your breasts, as Hyunjin finds you bare underneath your pyjama top.
“Touch me, Hyun,” you let out, not caring about any consequences anymore.
“What was that?” he provokes you once again.
“Make me forget about him.”
His eyes suddenly turn dark when he listens to your beautifully desperate consent and in an instant, he’s got you placed underneath him. Your shirt landed on the floor some time ago and right now, Hyunjin is busy sliding down your shorts, as slowly as he can just to make you crave even more—if that’s even possible.
The tip of his tongue comes in contact with the wet patch on your panties, mixing those liquids together and turning your clothing into an even more severe mess.
He redeems you from all those little pleas that you’re so softly whispering—and that make Hyunjin even harder so that it’s getting more and more unbearable to have his pants restraining his hard cock—when he finally pulls the remaining fabric down.
Your enemy admires you for a moment, chuckling to himself when he takes in all the beauty of your body.
“Fuck,” he lets out.
He dearly wants to compliment you but for some reason he doesn’t manage to do so. His pride is once again getting in the way.
Hyunjin places your legs on top of his shoulders, pulling you a little closer before he attaches his mouth to your mound. Soft little kisses follow, creating a path to your clit, before he starts flicking his tongue over it. He starts with slow circling motions again, wandering down to your hole from time to time.
“Eyes on me,” he orders.
You instantly follow suit like a dumb but cute little puppy and Hyunjin immediately finds liking in it.
He’s placing one of your legs on the back of the sofa, making you spread them for hum and giving him better access to guide two of his fingers towards your wet hole. A string of saliva hits your pussy and Hyunjin wastes no time in smearing the liquid all over your wetness, soaking his digits in it before he carefully inserts them into your throbbing hole.
“Hm, just like that,” he praises you in between those makeout sessions with your clit. “Fuck– you look so pathetic like this, doll. Just for me.”
You cry out some curse words, not wanting to leave that triumph to him but you know that you’re already defeated. But he still chuckles and smirks against your heat when he notices your helpless figure, as you’re desperately and weakly gripping the sheets underneath you.
“Hyun–“
He keeps thrusting his fingers into you, adding a third one to prepare you for what’s to follow.
“Hm, say my name, doll. Who's making you feel this fucking good?”
You close your eyes and he stops.
“Nah, I told you to focus on me, remember?”
Nodding, you assert your gaze on his face again, allowing the satisfaction to take over your whole being.
And you do finally grasp it then, whenever you see the pride in his eyes, even more severe than any encounter in which he defeated you in yet another game or university contest.
It’s a game of control for him.
But it is for you too—just in a different setting.
Hyunjin allows you to fully give in, let go and dive into the moment. His most important goal is to make you not only forget about Changbin but also everything else that is bothering you and causing the littlest bit of anxiety to possess your synapses. When you’re with him, it’s only about the way he’s touching you, kissing you, pleasuring you.
Just like right now, as the feeling is taking over you and you can’t help withstanding, practically tasting that sweet relief on your tongue.
Hyunjin pulls away for a moment, so that he can speak, “Look at me when you cum, doll. Gonna train your brain so that you’ll always associate pleasure with me only, okay?”
You hastily nod as if he’s put you under some spell, making sure to keep your gaze attached to his, when you finally let the feeling spread through your body and your juices spill all over his fingers and tongue.
“Fuck– Hyunjin–“ are your last words before he stops after helping you ride out your high.
When you take a closer look at his face and when you sense a wet patch underneath you, your breath hitches.
“Did I just…?”
He can’t help himself but chuckle, as he clicks his tongue.
“Hm, you did and you looked fucking hot doing it, not gonna lie.”
You burst out into a shy giggle then and this situation just proves that there’s more behind that rivalry you share with Hyunjin. He dries his face a little with a towel and licks the remaining liquids off of his fingers.
He positions himself back between your legs, watching your eyes being fixated on his, patiently waiting for more.
“Don’t think I’m done with you, doll.”
You sit up a little, your fingers coming in contact with the hem of his shirt and Hyunjin is fast to understand what you want. He shoves the fabric over his head and you let out a little gasp when you see his toned upper body. After all, he’s a dancer but you haven't expected him to be this beautiful.
Life is fucking unfair.
Why does your enemy have to be the hottest person alive as if you’re caught in some shitty fanfiction?
But you’re not the one to complain, when he is already getting rid of his sweatpants, leaving him in his boxers only.
“Come on, don’t tease,” you tell him, impatiently waiting.
Hyunjin scoffs at your bluntness, grabbing you by the wrist and placing your hand on top of his covered bulge.
“What a pity, I was just about to be all gentle with you but I guess this brat needs to be taught a lesson first.”
You giggle, feeling arousal drip out of you again.
“Doll, don’t tell me this turns you on even more,” he says.
Hyunjin slips his remaining underwear down, as you watch his cock spring free.
And you can’t help but gulp when your eyes take in his enormous size.
Everything his fucking pretty and huge about him. Everything.
“Maybe…” you confess.
He pumps his length for a few times, before he brushes over your clit with its tip.
“Always knew you would be such a slut for me,” he says.
You can’t help but smirk again, feeling your head spin when you listen to those degrading but incredibly arousing words.
“Wait–“ he says all of a sudden.
“What is it?”
You’re getting second guesses now, maybe he regrets it and wants to stop before the irreversible step follows. Changbin is his friend after all.
“I… I don’t have a condom with me,” he admits.
Well, why would he? He’s on a camping trip with friends and although Hyunjin has thought about the pretty picture of you underneath him quite often, he would have never expected to be such a lucky guy that his dreams turn into reality.
“I’m on birth control,” you reassure him and he gives you a smile, before his eyes turn dark again.
“Turn around, doll. I want you on all fours.”
It’s indeed pathetic how easily you follow suit, when you do as you’re told and get in the position Hyunjin wants you in. Your face meets the pillow and you spread your legs a little further, impatiently waiting for him to continue.
Hyunjin is probably able to read your mind, as he’s aligning the tip of his cock with your entrance, playfully brushing over it.
“You sure you want this, doll?” he asks.
“Yes– please– just fuck me already.”
He lets out a devilish chuckle, before he pushes only a few centimetres of his length into you. With the way he feels your walls tightening around him, Hyunjin gives you enough time to get used to the feeling before he moves further, bottoming you out completely.
“I’m ruining you tonight, doll, and you’ll let me.”
“Yes, baby, please,” you beg.
Hyunjin blushes a little when you use the name and he’s glad now that you’re not looking at him.
Sure, Hyunjin wanted you to keep your eyes on him but it is much more fun having you like this underneath him, watching you drool all over the pillows for him.
“It is fucking hilarious,” he says between thrusts, “how you always say you hate me but act like such a slut for me.”
He rams his length at you even harder, pushing you further into the cushion when his long fingers circle around your neck to keep you in place.
“And it’s fucking hilarious how you tell me the same b-but get so close so easily just from pounding into me for a f-few minutes.”
Slap.
His hand collides with your ass and you let out a moan.
Then he slows down and he knows exactly what he’s doing. Hyunjin brings two fingers right to your clit, motions having the same pace as his hips.
You’re begging him for more, asking him to go even rougher and deeper and when he changes the angle a little, finding that certain spot inside you, the whimpers spill from your mouth like a waterfall.
“Enjoying yourself, hm? How does it feel getting your brains fucked out by your worst enemy?”
Only moans and whimpers make it past your lips before some mindless babbling follows.
“Hyunjin–“
The pillow is soaked by now by all the saliva of yours and your holding onto the sheets and sofa for dear life, as you allow him to rail you into oblivion.
“Yeah, keep calling my name like that, I know you’re close, cum all over my cock, sweetheart,” Hyunjin says when he feels you clenching around him again.
You don’t know why but for some reason the use of that name makes you drip over the edge.
With a drowned out, soundless moan you let the pleasure take over you, sensing your legs and whole body shake but Hyunjin keeps you balanced, fucking you through your orgasm.
Caused by the way you’re tightening around him, he reaches his climax too, as he pulls out at the last second and watches his seeds spill all over your ass.
Fuck.
That was absolutely insane.
Shit. You’re definitely gonna be sore for the next few days.
Your body collapses a little later and in your sleepy state you feel Hyunjin cleaning you and putting you in some of his shirts, before he tucks you under the blanket and joins you right there.
He pulls you a little closer, placing a soft kiss on your cheek before he watches you fall asleep.
❄️
Just like the day before, Hyunjin is the first to wake up, although a little earlier than yesterday.
He can’t manage to fall asleep again, causing him to enter an endless spiral of doubts and overthinking.
But it was a one time thing anyway, right?
Yeah, it should be.
Even if you might say the opposite—it feels unfair.
You’re just out of a long relationship, still heartbroken from your ex and trying to forget him.
Besides this, that’s all there is. Hyunjin and you have no bond to build anything on.
And of course, it’s unfair for himself too and he knows why.
You and Hyunjin aren’t supposed to be a thing. He doesn’t regret last night but he shouldn’t have done it. He’s already sensing his head playing evil little mind games with him.
So, when you wake up he decides to make it as quick as possible.
“Everything okay?” you ask, rubbing your eyes a little.
“I…” he starts but can’t continue.
You give him a soft smile and this just makes him feel more awful than he already does.
“I think… This should be a one time thing, you know. We should get back to normal again, hating each other and all, pretend this didn’t happen.”
He’s avoiding your gaze, as your heart shatters into a thousand tiny pieces yet again.
What have you done in your possible past life to deserve this?
Of course, you haven’t expected Hyunjin to date or even marry you on the spot.
But you still feel hurt.
“Okay…” is all you let out.
“I don’t regret what we did,” he says then, finding your eyes, “but it’s for the better, believe me.”
It’s probably because Changbin is his friend and in comparison to Hayun, Hyunjin has enough decency to not behave like this.
You can respect that. Although last night was probably the best sex you’ve ever had, you can get over this part.
But not him hating you again. Not after you poured your heart out to him.
However, you won’t make a fool out of yourself and argue with your enemy.
You’re supposed to ignore and hate each other anyway and not find some solution.
❄️
Sitting in the car next to Chan when it’s your ex’s turn to drive feels quite reassuring. It’s good to have a friend beside you that doesn’t know that much about your perspective and is able to grant you enough space but comfort at the same time.
Hyunjin is sitting in front of you with Noah and Felix, whereas Hayun is next to Changbin. There’s nothing to hide now anymore, right?
You wonder if he lied about it—telling you that they aren’t dating after all but that’s none of your concern any more.
“Y/N,” Jisung calls from your left, “I’m sorry for being so insensitive yesterday– like multiple times, I’m sorry I hurt you with my stupid teasing.”
You give him a warm smile, “It’s alright, Sungie. You couldn’t have known.”
“If you need anything, we’re always here for you,” Chan reassures you, pulling you into a hug.
“Thank you,” you tell him, “I will need some time but I will overcome this.”
Great.
There’s no doubt that you will get over Changbin.
But what about your enemy that is slowly digging his way into your heart, destined to stay there a little longer?
Tumblr media
🩵 AUTHOR’S NOTE: Thank you so much for reading this first chapter! If you enjoyed the story, please consider reblogging it and sharing your thoughts with me! I’d appreciate it a lot! :) You can also buy me a coffee here, if you feel like it. Please don’t ever feel obliged to do so, but I’d highly appreciate it!
© j-0ne25 2022/2023 | copying, translating or stealing my work is prohibited
626 notes · View notes
thedivineart · 1 year
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media
PICK A CARD: FACTS AND SECRETS OF YOUR GREATEST LOVE.
Tumblr media
⠀⠀⠀꒰⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⌷ .⠀⠀d i s c l a i m e r⠀⠀✿𝆬
[ 𝒜𝓇𝓉 ✧ ] any events and other things in your life are cannot be accurately predict by me and the tarot cards, do take a note that we are 'still' the creator of our 'future'- what you 'do' now will be the outcome of your future life and this could be either a good or bad, if your doing good and you are good to others expect the bright future ahead but in reverse you might expect the worst.
[ ℰ𝓂𝒾𝓈 ✧ ] to pick a pile, firstly take a good deep breath, second focus on every pile in the photo provided below { pile one, pile two, pile three }, and lastly scroll more down to reveal your reading. if you cannot still pick up any of the pile, do remember the sequence of what is written in the first sentence.
Tumblr media Tumblr media
ꕀ ׅ࣪ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ 𝓅𝒾𝒸𝓀 𝒶 𝒸𝒶𝓇𝒹 ; facts and secrets of your ᵍʳᵉᵃᵗᵉˢᵗ ˡᵒᵛᵉ
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
[ 𝒜𝓇𝓉ℯ𝓂𝒾𝓈 ✧ ] grammatical errors ahead, if you're a perfectionist then leave this pac. I do write with so many flaws and I know it's not perfect since my first language isn't english.
-` 𝑇𝐻𝐸𝐷𝐼𝑉𝐼𝑁𝐸𝐴𝑅𝑇 ´- ✰︵ — m a s t e r l i s t ´-
: ・. ゚ ✧. : ・. ☽˚。 ・゚ ✧: ・. :.
Tumblr media
PILE ONE
seems that they likes socialising, sort of life of the party individual and may possibly that they got alot of friends since they value friendships however there's something happened between them and a friend ( probably group of friends ) which lead your person to feel victimize and got anxiety. either this called friend is hating/sabotaging them or bullying them, idk but this one 'friend' and your person isn't in good terms, definitely fear this 'friend' too. hmm, I feel that there's something fishing involve here, I think your person and this 'friend' have something before, like they tried to be in relationship before but actually failed to become stable. this person of yours may/already feel heartbreak and betrayal in their timeframe, even though they got friends they still feel need someone to fill their loneliness. on the other side, they literally got it all and might come from wealthy or wealthy by themselves (if they are a 'man'), high status in life and often in leadership position like in company being it's c.e.o or the boss where they work, actually they got multiple options and choices about their life, like they can get what they like unlike the others. however they tends to daydream and imagine often. also likes luxurious things or materialistic individual they are, they care about the money alot and good at handling it, they literally hate it when someone is late when there's a sched and call time when it be happen, but they are slow to be anger. when you see this person physically and in reality, you'll be having the thought of "they looks tough and cold individual" when it quite faraway from it, they know how to hide their innocence and vulnerability inside by hiding it on their appearance. one thing that keeps me interested with this individual, they willing to give it all if they love someone that's why often they end up feels of being disappointed and just hurting themselves but they know how to heal themselves too. knife and skull symbol might be prominent for this person maybe a tattoo or they like those symbols.
- dm me for personal readings
Tumblr media
PILE TWO
tw: die, kill
soulmates connection here.there's two scenario here, first -they know within themselves that they are defensive being but of course they don't wouldn't tell it, if they found themselves in that situation they tends to walk away and leave that situation or where they are now, they want to leave and scape to that place but they don't know how, all they can do now is to be patient most of the time. and might be conservative in everything. they also know how to manifest specially to their desires, they believe that action and willingness with manifestation will lead you to a prosperous and secure life, at some point they prefer to work alone like being self employed. might be ailurophiles, they love cats. seems that they are more confident, if they achieve something or if someone is supporting them. they like to offer for people alot whether it's time, money or support from them. negative sides might be forgetful and hot tempered, idk if they are famous since they have alot of supporters maybe quite well known where field or place they are. they do believe success comes from hard work and overcoming obstacles, love how optimistic they are. finally a secret was channeled here, they may don't seem one as physically but they are very sensual individual who knows how to hide it. they do care about the animals specially if this is a cat and the humanity. you can easily may know their true identity by how they act in front of you. for some point, some people here may already know this person or will gonna know this individual this year. dang bruh, I'm shock to this message but this person having thoughts of wanting to die, they want to commit this sin or their anxiety is getting worst day after day, they want to tell it to someone but this person thinks that ' will they understand them even though they will tell it to someone'. s/he got the reason for it, the story behind of why they want to do it but might be afraid that no one will understand them. just a reminder that be observant to people who surround you, look how they behave and think before you outburst words coming from your mouth cause we don't know who suffer, this type of mental illness can kill, no kidding around.
- dm me for personal readings
PILE THREE
Tumblr media
this person got powerful aura than the rest of the piles and somewhat seems that this pile is the combination of 1 and 2. they come from a wealthy/stable family/high status or inheritance from old people around their family, that's the reason why they don't suffer much when in comes to finances, this money may came from a masculine energy more likely the father or their grandpa. mostly who pick this pile, your person is more mature in appearance or by mentally or by age. might be working on authority level like the boss or in government and law or higher positions like manager, being team leader etc. for some people who pick this pile, I see that they still studying like maybe in higher grade than yours or simply this person loves to learn and very determine as well dedicated to what they are studying. however they may have fear that someone is more better than them, or they experience anxiety or deep unhappiness which causes to got some sleep paralysis/negativity. on the other hand, I'm seeing that they will overcome this one his/her obstacles. they tends to act hasty or bad mouthing and expressing how bitter they are in life maybe because of what they just experience, or they been/will face betrayal in life. they got big social cycle, alot of people know them and they know alot of people too, possibly that they are famous in their surrounding, however your person really knows who are the true and enemy to them or your person may feels that every people around them are not true and just want them for the money and fame specially if those individuals are his/her friends. they been wishing for healing from what people did to them for a very long period of time, they got solution and want to fly away to rest and ease this pain within themselves. they want some joy in their life and was eager for seeking it. as a addition, I see here that this person got some eagle eye or great observation, like they see it but other people wouldn't. everyone seems to respect this person and they know it, they know they are someone who should be respected too ( seems overbearing for me ). when they talk they are too honest to their words and doesn't care if the someone may feel hurt from it or spilling tea is one of their habit/mannerism. one more thing, they think people around them are ugly ( lol, that's bad ) like they based on physical appearance but of course they will keep it by themselves however if you focus on their eyes you can see the judging looking.
- dm me for personal readings
[ 🤎. ] Hello! Thank You so much for checking out this pac reading, if you ever like it please do follow and reblog for more pac. Let me know what you feel by commenting down below...
Tumblr media
© thedivineart — do not plagiarize any of my work, translate or repost it on other social media platform , do remember that this is only my official account where all my pac are posted, if you ever see something like mine from word by word kindly report it to me, thank you<3. theme is included
Tumblr media
738 notes · View notes
barbiewritesstuff · 1 year
Text
Strauss blocked : Part 1
---
Am I bad at naming fics? Yes.
Welp this was supposed to be a 2k porn without plot and it turned into 8k words two part series... oops? I just hope it lives up to expectations :)
I just want to thank my bestie @Igg5989 for beta reading (and helping me write) and @ravensmadreads for giving me the inspiration fir this fic.
Tw: this is SMUT, IF YOU ARE UNDER 18 GTFO I DON'T WANT YOU HERE OR ANYWHERE NEAR MY BLOG. Age gap relationship, boss x employee relationship, p in v sex and all that good stuff
Taglist: @feedthemadness-sweetie
---
Tumblr media
Section Chief Strauss was many things but when it came to working cases on the field, efficient was not one of them. She had tagged along under the excuse of performing personal performance reviews, assuring the team that she would not be getting in the way. She promised she’d merely be a ‘silent observer’ and to her credit, she had lasted an hour in that role before interjecting in every conversation and second guessing every decision any of you ever made, and because she outranked you all, her will was your command. 
“I think she showed remarkable restraint,” Spencer joked, trying to lighten your souring mood, “I didn’t think she’d last an hour,” he added.
“Did she really have to pull rank when I tried to order breakfast? Like why does she care that I like syrup on my french toast?” you asked, sudden rage exploding out of you with an intensity Spencer could never have predicted, “No, apparently ‘Girls my age won’t be thin and pretty forever, I should watch my diet before my sugar intake starts affecting things’. What a fucking bitch.”
Spencer flinched, “Yikes, I didn’t think she actually said that. I thought you were exaggerating,” he admitted.
“I didn’t even paraphrase,” you replied, looking straight ahead at the investigation board. It had been filled up pretty nicely and evidence has been coming in, but despite knowing all there is to know about the victims, their habits, friends, families and lives, you were not even close to figuring out who he is. 
And that was largely because Section Chief Erin Strauss wouldn’t let you. 
Somehow, she thought that because she couldn’t stand crime scenes and dead bodies, you couldn’t either. It was true that the crime scenes are brutal, and even Morgan came back looking a little greener than when he left, but this was your job. A job she wanted to review your performance for all while not actually letting you out of the station. 
You thought maybe it was because you’re a girl. The only girl currently on the field team because Emily broke her foot and JJ was off for her annual holiday and while Garcia was your constant companion on the phone, you felt like Strauss didn’t actually realise she was a real person. She never said thanks, or please and she kept hanging up while Penelope was still speaking. You took a deep breath, if you weren't careful soon enough you’d be the one they’d have to put behind bars. Or not, because with the way she was behaving you had a feeling Aaron wouldn’t mind giving you a couple of false alibis.
Because as bad as she was with you, she was worse with him. 
He was a good chief, kind and caring when he needed to be but professional and just the right kind of demanding. A few years ago you’d have added a couple more flaws to that descriptions -- bully, drill sergeant, the kind of man who found it easier to trust men than women even if there’s no reason for it -- but he’d grown on you. Your relationship with him has changed. At first he was just a boss, someone you’d go home and complain to your boyfriend about. Then, when Haley asked for a divorce and you got out of your own relationship after finding out your boyfriend wasn’t half as nice as you thought he was, you became friends.
And recently it had changed again. 
You had finally managed to schedule a night out with the girls after unsuccessfully trying to find a date for the seventh time that month. It had been fun, you had all danced, drunk and chatted until the early hours of the morning before calling it quits and returning home. Which is where you had been when Hotch happened to be walking by, or rather, you had been in front of your home when he happened to be walking by. You almost didn’t recognise him, he had shed the usual work suit for a casual pair of jeans and a nice shirt. 
“Hi,” he said, clearly not expecting to see anyone he knew so late -- or early -- in the day.
“Hi,” you replied hesistantly, not wanting to betray just how tipsy you were even as you swayed by your door
“You okay?” he asked, “Not too cold?” he added, helpfully pointing towards your dress. You looked down to see what you meant. Looking to have a good time and maybe bring someone home, you hadn’t dressed particularly sensibly for the time of year. In fact, you had chosen the shortest dress you owned, a golden number that showed off plenty of cleavage and left nothing to the imagination. 
You looked up, horrified to see him smirking.
“I -- err -- I locked myself out,” you said, hoping to get yourself out of that awkward moment by changing the subject.
“I don’t live too far away, you can sleep over. We’ll call a locksmith in the morning,” he offered.
“It’s okay,” you assured him.
Hotch frowned at you, “I’m not having you become one of those girls on Dateline,” he countered. You knew he wouldn’t force you, but if you refused his offer, you would officially kiss a night in a nice warm house goodbye as your only other option was your car. 
“Fine,” you acquiesced. He shot you one of his rare smiles, one of the ones that lit up his own face and that made the usual ball of nerves you felt in your stomach at the sight of one of the FBI higher ups turn into a horde of fluttering butterflies. He didn’t usually give them out easily and you wondered if this one was aided by alcohol. As you approached him, your theory was confirmed. Beneath his nice aftershave and his usually minty breath you could vaguely smell whiskey. Your drunken brain stored that fact for the next office secret santa, you just had to rig it so you’d pull his name. 
“Date?” Hotch asked after a few moments of silence, the click of your heels against pavement echoing through the night.
“Just out with friends,” you replied, accidentally bumping into him as you walked.
“Me too,” he said, “College reunion.”
It felt weird having him volunteer that much information. Aaron Hotchner was the kind of man who liked to keep his work and home life separated and rarely ever let anyone in. Letting the team in on details of his divorce had been as hard and painful as the divorce itself so you never imagined he’d happily volunteer information about what he did in his spare time. 
“I had too much to drink,” he added in a whisper, like it was a confession, “I get chatty when I drink,” he grinned at you. 
“I can see that,” you giggled at him. You hadn’t meant it in any other way than a statement but Hotch grew serious anyway.
“You can tell me to shut up if I annoy you,” he said, looking at the pavement. 
“No I--” you protested, part of you wondering if the reason he kept quiet wasn’t because of professionalism but rather because he thought people wouldn’t care
“I like chatty you,” you said and he looked up, smiling at you for the second time in twenty minutes, “I also like smiley you,” you added.
“Did you have fun?” you asked a little later, for some reason, silence with Hotch now felt opressive.
“It was nice seeing them all. It’s weird though, they’ve all changed so much that I barely recognise them. Like, I look in the mirror and I think I look pretty much the same, I mean older obviously, but like I look the same,” he said, “and then I look at them and --” he brought his hands up to his head and mimicked an explosion, “I haven’t missed them though,” he added with a giggle.
“No?” You questioned, looking at him curiously. 
“God, no. Pretentious assholes,” he replied with a heavy sigh. 
“Sweetie, you went to George Washington University,” you laughed, “Of course they’re all pretentious.”
“Fair point, Agent,” he smiled. 
“Y/n,” you corrected, “My name is Y/n when we’re off the clock.” 
“And mine is Aaron,” he replied
“Well, Aaron, can you tell me how far away we are from yours? My feet are killing me,” 
“Not too far,” he replied, “Do you see your college friends often?”
“Not the majority of them. We keep in contact, call sometimes but there’s only five I see regularly. They’re the girls I went out with,” you informed him. 
“Are they nice?” He asked, “My bunch are…,” he hesitated, “They keep making these underhand digs at those who they see as less successful. I don’t think I’ll go to the next one. It just feels like a dick measuring contest,” he said, then clapped a hand in front of his mouth once he heard you laugh and realised he had sworn, “Sorry,” he apologised, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I’m trying not to swear because Jack is picking up on it. It’s not going great I keep fucking it up -- no wait! Shit! -- No! Fuck!” he exclaimed, accidentally letting out a swear whenever he realised what he had done. You couldn’t stop laughing and stopped for a moment, leaning against a tree to catch your breath. 
“I am polite,” he assured you, “pinky promise,” he added
“I believe you,” you grinned
“I am so polite that when I get home, I am going to offer you a coffee,” he said. 
“And I will accept,” you said, “I need to sober up, otherwise I’m going to have one hell of a hangover tomorrow. And believe me, you don’t want to meet me when I’m hungover.”
“Eh,” he shrugged, “You’re young, it’ll pass quickly. I remember when I was your age, a hangover was just a headache, now? I have to take a sick day to recover.”
“Aren’t you exaggerating a little?” you asked
“Never,” he grinned, “Okay, maybe a little.”
“You are allowed to take days off, Aaron,” you reminded him, “You’re human, you deserve a break.”
He shrugged again, “What would I do during a break? Haley has divorced me, Jack’s only here one week every other week… I don’t want to spend more time in my empty house than I need.”
“You can go to the movies?” you offered, “Have you seen Avatar?”
“Can I be honest?” he asked, “Those blue people creep me out.”
“That is fair,” you replied, “I don’t like the hair,” 
“Yes!” he exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air in victory, “They look like elephant trunks,” he added, “My house is there,” Hotch pointed to your left at a small white brick house. One that you had passed many times when you walked your elderly neighbour’s dog. Hotch opened the wooden gate and walked up the path, accidentally tripping on a badly placed stone.
“Watch your step,” he whispered to you. Clumsily, he fished his keys out of his pocket and tried to fit it in the door in the limited light of the porch lamp. Eventually, he got it in and turned it in the lock. It opened with a click. 
“It’s nice,” you said, stepping in behind him
“Liar,” he answered, flicking the light on, “It’s dark. Was. It isn’t anymore.”
“Well it’s nice anyway,” you said, looking around. Although the furniture looked old, it was nice and it looked expensive. On one of the rare nights you had gone on as a team, Hotch had mentioned briefly living alone in Seattle when discussing rent with Emily, and you wondered if this wasn’t one of the remnants of that time. 
“Do beer goggles work on furniture too?” he joked. You stuck out your tongue at him and he grinned. 
“I thought you were polite?” you said, reminding him of his promise.
“Right! Yes! Would you like a coffee?”
“Milk and sugar please,” you answered, trying to undo the straps of your shoes and failing, wiggling your feet out of the heels instead. You’d figure out how to unclasp the buckle in the morning, when you were sober and your feet were killing you less. 
“Do you like DC?” he asked, handing you a steaming mug of coffee a few minutes later. You nodded, taking a sip, burning your lip in the process. Hotch saw you wince and bring a hand up to your mouth and immediately moved to your rescue.
“I am such an idiot,” you said.
“Don’t say that,” he frowned, grabbing your hand by the wrist and moving it away from your lip, “Let me see.”
He leant towards you, staring intently at your mouth. Your head swam more with every second he spent close to you. At work it was easy to keep your all consuming attraction to Aaron Hotchner at bay. He was your boss and maintained a professional distance at all times, preferring to call you Agent, and never asking anything for information about you beyond what he needed to know to feel like you could do the job. But with him so close to you, it was easy to allow yourself to close the gap between your mouths and kiss him.
To your surprise, he returned the kiss eagerly, slipping his tongue into your mouth and battling yours for dominance before seemingly regaining his composure and pulling away.
“We should stop,” he said, then, he hesitated, “Should we stop?”
“No, definitely not,” you answered, pulling him back towards you. Seemingly convinced, Aaron let his hands wander over your body before tapping the side of your thigh. Almost automatically, you jumped up, wrapping your legs around his waist and rolled your hips against yours. Hotch groaned, blindly stumbling his way towards the sofa where he placed you down on your back. He joined you on the pleather furniture, towering over you with a mischievous grin as he removed his shirt in one smooth movement and unbuckled his belt. 
“Like what you see?” he asked and you gulped. Although you had spent much of your private time imagining what Hotch looked like without a shirt you had never managed to get it right. His soft but toned dad bod seemed even more attractive in person. You raised one of your hands up in the air, gently grazing his skin and tangling your fingers in his chest hair, Hotch closed his eyes and sighed.
“Care to undress me?” you asked, Aaron’s eyes fluttered open as he came back to reality. He looked at you, eager and impatient underneath him and he smiled. He bent down, grabbing your dress by the hem. You lifted your waist up and allowed him to shuffle it upwards, slowly revealing what you kept underneath. 
You silently thanked yourself for wearing nice underwear, because you wouldn’t have wanted to subject Hotch to the panties you usually wore for work. Instead, you had chosen a pretty lavender set comprised of a bralette and a thong, which Aaron seemed very pleased with as once his eyes landed on it, he seemed unable to think rationally, luckily for you, the animalistic part of the brain the lingerie had turned on seemed more than happy to take over. 
Hotch pulled off your thong and shed his trousers and boxer shorts in less time than it took for you to blink. Seeing his erection jump free of his underwear and bump against his pelvis was enough to tell you that Aaron would be bigger than any man you had ever been with. You hesitated for a second, wondering how he would ever fit.
“Do you want to stop?” he asked but you shook your head, shuffling more towards him instead to make the message clearer, “I’ll be gentle,” he assured you. 
One of his hands came to touch your core, gently grazing the sensitive skin before allowing his thumb to rest by your clit. He rubbed circles around it, enjoying every whimper you let out before giving you what you wanted and rubbing your bundle of nerves. The moans that fell from your lips were like music to his ears. He desperately wanted to fit himself inside you, but he wanted to make sure you were ready for him. 
He rubbed you faster, with every touch you could feel the coil of pleasure in your tummy tighten and soon you tipped over the edge and came with a pornographic moan. Exercising all self control, Aaron brough a hand to his cock and jerked it a few times, letting the fingers of his other hand wander down to your aching core. He slipped one finger in, savouring just how tight you were before adding another one. He pumped them in and out of you, stretching you out, adding fingers until he felt you were ready for him. 
Hotch lined himself up with your pussy, gently pressing himself in. You happily swallowed every inch of him and when he bottomed out, he let you adjust for a moment before thrusting himself in and out of you at an accelerating pace. You felt like heaven gripping him so tight that he was sure he wouldn’t last very long. Luckily for him, it didn’t seem like you would either. 
Your hands were clawing at his back, leaving scratch marks that stung deliciously every time Aaron hit that spongey spot inside you, and your moans kept getting louder, spurring him on as he bottomed out and slammed himself back in until he could no longer keep himself from coming. With a groan he spilled himself inside you, triggering your own orgasm. 
You stayed in each other’s arms for a few moments, catching your breaths before Aaron pulled out of you. He smiled at you, leaning down to leave one last kiss upon your swollen lips, leaving your relationship forever changed. 
Part of you wondered if anything had leaked. The both of you had been careful not to speak about it, in private or in public, but you worked with the best profilers the United States had to offer. It was possible someone had figured something out. Or, although you didn’t think she ever would, that Garcia had accidentally seen or heard something she never should have. Hotch wasn’t particularly careful with electronics. They were either in his suit pocket or in the back pocket of his trousers, it had never happened, but what if he had butt dialled someone? 
Although, you figured that was unlikely, since Strauss wouldn’t have come if she had any evidence at all, she would have just fired you. But it did explain why she insisted on sticking with you at all times, or why she had demanded a room right above Hotch’s, even though the hotel clerk, clearly wanting to impress the FBI’s section chief, had confessed to her that the room wasn’t all that soundproof. 
No, sadly, the more likely explanation for her overbearing presence was that she hated the team and how it was run. She thought it was too disorganised, too sloppy, and that its subpar running posed a threat to the FBI. You had to roll your eyes at that, you had been in many departments, working as an intern, then a secretary and eventually a full time salaried employee. You had seen more of the FBI than Strauss ever would, and you could say with absolute certainty that the BAU was the only team you had been a part of who ever filed their paperwork on time. Sure, most of the agents had a smidge of a hero complex and were far too eager to place themselves in danger when it came to unsubs, but the cases got cracked. The bad guys got caught. Reports got written and overtime filed.
And yet, she still insisted on making everything difficult. Quantico and the bullpen provided a little protection against her, you could always duck into a cubicle, blame your inability to speak with her on an ever climbing pile of paperwork -- even if you sometimes pulled empty sheets of paper out of the printer to bulk it up a little when it got a little too bare, a technique you had learnt from Rossi and that you had very quickly shared with the rest of the team. Only Aaron, the only agent whose pile was constituted only of real case files and documents wasn’t participating in the charade -- or simply pick the case the state furthest away from Strauss to escape her grip. 
Maybe she had gotten wide to the ruse and wanted to make you pay for it now. 
----
“Not feeling chatty?” Morgan asked the girl. She hadn’t spoken since Hotch and Spencer had apprehended her coming out of a potential victim’s back garden, red paint splashed all over her clothes. Once she was in cuffs and backup arrived, a message had been uncovered, the same message all the other girls had found and reported days before their untimely deaths. It wasn’t uncommon for unsubs to refuse to talk, although most of them at least demanded a lawyer or answered ‘no comment’ after every question. 
Avery Watts had been utterly silent since her arrival twenty minutes ago, and she hadn’t moved or blinked either. It was eerie, and Morgan was feeling it too. He was trying his best not to show it, but he kept glancing at the two way glass every few seconds, almost trying to reassure himself that if anything went wrong, someone would be able to help. He needn’t have worried. Spencer and you had made your way into the observational cubicle adjoining the interrogation room as soon as she had been brought in and you had been joined seconds later by Strauss, hot on your trail, and a rookie officer up for a promotion in a month and eager to learn. 
Avery shrugged
“Fine, I suggest you make yourself comfortable here then. We’ll be back tomorrow,” Morgan said, standing up from his chair and pushing it back underneath the table. Hotch gathered the papers in front of the unsub and placed them all back into his briefcase, leaving the pictures of the various crime scenes and victims last so she could get one last good look and one last chance for you to notice a reaction but none came. Instead, she grinned at Hotch.
“You don’t have any evidence against me,” the girl said, voice raspy from disuse, “You have to let me go.”
“I don’t need evidence,” Hotch replied, looking her straight in the eyes, “I can hold you for 72 hours without cause,” he added, wiping her self-satisfied little smile right off of her face, “And I will.”
Strauss pressed the comms button on the panel in front of you with a neatly manicured nail, “I really don’t think that is a good idea,” she said, sounding so confident in her own non-existent ability that you almost wanted to scream. You held it in, preferring to glare at her instead. Spencer, who had slowly moved to stand next to you -- whether that was to get a better look or to stop you from throwing your career down the drain you didn’t know -- grabbed your arm and squeezed it reassuringly. 
You smiled at him tensely and he returned the gesture. You were the two youngest members of the BAU task force and while a friendship was always bound to form, no one had been able to predict just how quickly the two of you had clicked. He was the resident genius, the model for the definition of a nerd and you were the ex-prom queen and cheerleading captain everyone at your school had voted ‘Most Likely to sell their soul for lipstick’, if either of you had been any less mature, the friendship would never have worked but as it was, there wasn’t a single day where you didn’t text, call, email or meet up for coffee with Spencer Reid. He was charming and kind, and a better friend than anyone else in your life had ever been. 
“Breathe,” he mouthed but you didn’t catch it, behind the two way glass Hotch moved. He placed the briefcase on the floor and walked up to the mirror.
“I am not letting her back onto the streets,” Hotch stated. As soon as the words left his mouth, the unsub moved. With surprising force, she flipped the interrogation table, breaking the cuffs off of the metal loop screwed onto the bottom of it and rearranged the piece of furniture right on top of SSA Hotchner’s trachea. She leaned in, pressing harder. Reflexively, Aaron tried to breathe in, letting out a raspy sound that raised the hair on your arms. 
You were the first to fly out of the cubicle and into the interrogation room, gun drawn and ready to shoot but when you kicked down the door, Avery moved away from the overturned table, hands raised up in surrender. Spencer came in behind you and immediately jumped to Hotch’s aid while the rookie stayed by the door, gun pointed at Avery, blocking her path in case she tried to leave, and blocking Strauss’ path in case she wanted to come in. You put your gun away and pulled out your cuffs, with a swift press of your foot to the back of her knees you got Avery down to the ground and restrained her. 
“Stay down,” Spencer told Hotch, one hand planted on the upper part of his chest, trying to keep the man from moving, “MEDIC,” he shouted. The rookie officer turned around and booked it through various corridors to get to the main office of the Santa Maria police department. Main office was a big word, only three officers operated the three shifts the day was separated into, with a volunteer officer coming in whenever the grocery store he worked for didn’t need him. The FBI’s presence had changed things a little, the BAU’s team of four and one or two medics permanently assisting the team dwarfing the police force without even really trying. It was lucky the police station had been built by an optimist in the late forties, as they had prepared for a mining boom that had never come and made the precinct much bigger than necessary. So big in fact, that half the rooms remained unused and only three of the twelve holding cells had ever been used at the same time. 
Officer Jones, the rookie whose name badge you finally took the time to look at, came back five minutes later, medics and Rossi in tow. They crowded around Hotch as he slowly regained the ability to breathe and then speak. You wanted to stay, seeing him hurt like that roused feelings in you you usually tried so hard to keep down, but Avery stirred and you suddenly remembered the reason Aaron was currently on the floor, recovering from the unsub’s idea of feng shui. You yanked her up and she yelped, feeling a slight bit of vindication you passed Rossi. He grabbed her other hand and helped you manhandle her down the hall into a badly lit holding cell. A ‘bed’ had been prepared, made from a thin mattress, a pillow and a scratchy blanket, and whoever had prepped the room had had the forethought to bring out a plastic cup of water. You walked her into the cell and uncuffed her. Avery glared at you in a way that told you that if looks could kill, you would have been the newest victims in her growing group. You turned around, walking out of the room as Rossi locked it. He turned away, but a strange sound resonated through the air and the both of you froze. Suddenly, you were showered with something cold and wet and Avery cackled, the plastic cup rolling out from under her cell. 
438 notes · View notes
orbmanson7 · 7 months
Text
Will Logan Ever Be Happy?
An Extensive Analysis of Logan Sanders' Spotify Playlist and Predictions for the Future of His Character Arc
Tumblr media
Logan's Playlist on Spotify
Logan's Playlist on YouTube Music
A few quick notes before we delve in…
This is an extensive analysis in the sense that it's currently around 16,930 words long. Please feel free to read it at your own leisure.
The description of Logan's Playlist on Spotify explicitly states to listen to these songs in order of their listing. This indicates a progression of sorts – of feelings, events, and the plot of the story being told here. It is important that we listen in order, and it seems like Logan would prefer us to listen this way to best understand what it is he is trying to convey.
The repeated themes found throughout many of these songs include: isolation, depression, regret, nostalgia, perfectionism, miscommunication, being the odd one out of a group, recognition of flaws, loss of control, being disliked, a love and familiarity for learning, and finding solutions to problems.
It should also be noted that a handful of these songs are told in second-person perspective, using “you” to indicate a main subject, as though the story is being told by the speaker about someone else’s actions to that someone else, rather than explaining anything outright about themself or how they feel about it. By doing this, the speaker is instead choosing to focus on others and only allowing the listener to sense and interpret how the speaker was affected by what the other party in the song had said or done. This by itself can easily indicate Logan’s insistence to let others take that stage, even when it’s his turn to tell his story, or to show off the faults of others in lieu of focusing on his own failings.
It may be important to remember that as we continue.
The Elements by Tom Lehrer is a simple starter song, as we know. Logan began as a friendly teacher character, someone to help guide Thomas through learning and encouraging curiosity and wonder within him. He helped Thomas to find solutions to problems with the most useful answers, and implored him to keep trying, keep researching, until he truly understood a topic. This was something good, something commendable.
In particular, this song involves a listing of the complete periodic table of elements, something that Logan, as Thomas’ Logic, likely would have to have known very well, considering the focus of Thomas’ major in college. This would have been information Logan used frequently in Thomas’ studies and schoolwork prior to the events of the series, which helps to signify this early interpretation of Logan’s character.
This is the early beginnings. It’s a solid starting point, telling us what we need to know about Thomas’ perception of who he believes Logan is meant to be.
Immediately after, we have White and Nerdy by Weird Al Yankovic, which, similar to the first song, is meant to give us a sense of Logan’s character. Thomas sees him as a helpful teacher, but he also sees him as a very nerdy, reserved, uptight, and pretentious kind of person who likes learning trivia and reading mystery novels and watching sci-fi shows and doing puzzles and making wordplay jokes. This fleshes Logan out more as a character, not just showing us who Thomas sees but giving us more perspective on what to expect from him.
[lyrics:
I wanna roll with the gangsters
But so far, they all think I’m too white and nerdy]
Early on in the series, the sides only appeared momentarily to help offer suggestions and advice to Thomas relevant to what he needed. There seemed to be less cohesion with the group, mainly due to a lack of narrative at the time, but the sides still appeared to work together so long as each stayed in their respective areas of expertise. Despite that, lyrics in this song seem to imply Logan had already seen himself as an outlier to the rest of Thomas’ sides. He recognized that this came at fault of the interpretation of his character, the personality he displayed, his mannerisms, even his interests.
From the very start, Logan was being viewed as something different and distinct in comparison to the other sides.
These first two songs are meant to be reminiscent of not only our first impressions of Logan’s character, but also of Thomas’ overall impression of him early on in the series.
Within the first few episodes, this is how Logan was interpreted and seen, as a nerdy but supportive teacher-like character. Based on Thomas’ vine character of the same attire, Logan was originally meant to be respected but relatable, someone who could understand the kids he was teaching, but was also full of incredibly useful knowledge and knew exactly how to convey that information in a way that would encourage and enlighten those around him.
As one of Thomas’ sides, however, he was minimized to only being Thomas’ Logic, someone who still had an incredible wealth of knowledge and used it to teach and guide Thomas specifically, but he was also someone who was meant to be more stereotypically “nerdy” by Thomas’ standards. He was still able to act as an instructor to Thomas and to the audience watching, but his status of authority was diminished, because now he was no longer a teacher, he was merely another part of Thomas.
This is where Algorhthym by Childish Gambino comes into play. This song indicates a recognition of the world and how it functions, but also a fear to do anything about it, to step out of line. This lends to Logan’s perfectionism, yes, but it also shows that Logan is highly aware of his position as Thomas’ Logic, and what is expected of him. He knows very well that he does not perfectly fit the mold that Thomas has made for him to fill.
Early in the song, there are mentions of misunderstanding directions and testing the waters in objectionable ways.
[lyrics:
Made us the guinea pig and did it with no permission
Told her to call a friend, didn’t tell her to listen
So very scary, so binary, zero or one
Like code is like coal mine canary]
Being put in a position without a choice in the matter, Logan is very aware that he has a big role to fulfill. He’s being depended on to do his job right. But there has, at no point, been any guidance for him to follow. It’s not as though there’s a training manual out there on how to be Thomas Sanders’ Logic, which means Logan can only attempt to figure it out as he goes along.
Now, this is no different from the other sides, as they all lack any kind of instruction on how to do their jobs, either. They all just have to make mistakes and learn from them to improve and get better with time. And, typically, this should be a good thing, but in Logan’s particular case, his job requires him to be relied upon as the one with the answers and solutions, so if he’s seen as someone who makes mistakes, that ruins his ability to be trusted to give those answers in the first place.
Making mistakes would contradict his purpose as Thomas’ Logic, but if he didn’t make mistakes, he couldn’t learn from them and get better like the rest of them. However, it’s inevitable that he will make mistakes because he has no idea how to do this job because he didn’t have any training involved before he started. But if he makes mistakes, he could lose that job, or the job itself could become misconstrued or defunct due to his failures. It’s an unpleasant and repeated cycle with no clear end.
Logan aims for perfection, knowing the risk of failure is so high and comes with such consequence, but he still has hope that something might work out. He also doesn’t seem to have much of a choice otherwise.
But he's already beginning to loop back around in circles over this, even so early on into the series, and this leads him to questioning why the world works this way. Just why does it contradict itself so much?
[lyrics:
I dream in color, not black and white]
He already realizes that he is seeing everything in a different way than Thomas and the other sides do. The world is so much bigger than the arbitrary parameters that are being set for it. Understanding and learning may need rigid guidelines to teach a beginner, to not overwhelm them, but once you know the basics, you can take those training wheels off and start exploring just about anywhere. If you want to try more adventurous feats, you’ll need better gear, more specified knowledge, but it’s not as though you are barred from entry. There is always more to learn, you simply have to go looking for it.
But the world somehow seems to think that’s not the case. Many believe that you either know something or you don’t, or that things can only be either one way or another, with no nuance involved. Instead of understanding all the shades of gray and color in between every moment, every idea, that there’s fluidity and the ability to shift and change at almost every turn, they choose to rely on what they’ve already learned and refuse to challenge it, even when the opportunity arises to do so. The world has so much more to offer than the black-and-white to which people often cling.
There’s so much space in between every atom, infinite amounts of empty air, that which we can barely comprehend, yet we see an object, a person, or any full form as completely solid, contradicting what we expect. We may say a penguin cannot fly, and yet you could put one as a passenger on an airplane and that could be considered flying. It has just done what was thought impossible. It is all about our perspective and the rules we set in place for our world that limits what we believe we know and understand, but that doesn’t mean that’s how the world actually works.
Unfortunately, changing someone’s mind can be very difficult, especially when you’re the one who contributed to them learning those basics to help them conceptualize the topic in the first place. It can be very hard to teach someone that knowledge is genuinely limitless, especially when they have found less use for it as time goes on and no longer have a desire to keep learning.
The song then indicates that the way a human behaves doesn’t always make logical sense, but that they value their life and experiences.
[lyrics:
Humans don’t understand, humans will sell a lie
Humans gotta survive, we know we gon’ die
Nothing can live forever, you know we gon’ try
Life, is it really worth it? The algorhythm is perfect, mmh]
Logan can comprehend this notion, even if he doesn’t quite understand and see the world in the same way as Thomas does; even if he believes some of his actions are illogical, he knows Thomas’ ability to live his life to the fullest is something memorable. He can recognize its importance overall, even if he doesn’t fully agree with how it’s done.
Logan likely comes to realize by this point, even so early on, that compromise is the best option here, just as we saw in the episode The Mind vs The Heart. Even if he doesn’t see things in the same way as others, he can still meet someone halfway, and hope that they can meet him halfway in return.
However, nothing is ever that easy, it seems. Just because he’s willing to step back and take another’s perspective into account does not mean others will do the same for him.
This more or less encapsulates the rest of the song from his perspective. He learns to stop challenging that which doesn’t want to be challenged, attempts to follow what is expected of him, even if what is expected of him is a perfection that he is unsure can even be achieved. He has to compromise some of these details and nuances so that the world can still run on its bizarre rules, for Thomas’ sake, and this results in him having to step away from his goals to make way for the others’ instead, or even to be pushed away when his insistence to the contrary isn’t appreciated, like we saw in the episode Moving On Pt 1: Exploring Nostalgia.
He learned fairly well that day that sometimes emotions took priority over intelligence, and even if Logan didn’t fully comprehend the purpose they served in solving that dilemma, he was attempting to find a proper answer that would be of benefit to Thomas regardless. But what he learned instead was that his efforts were unwanted simply because he was viewing the situation from a very different perspective than the others were.
As such, he began to learn not to question these parameters that the world operates upon. He needs to do what he can Within those parameters to ensure Thomas’ survival and simply hope that he’ll thrive with knowledge (and Logan) as his guide.
And that is exactly why the next song is Fitter Happier by Radiohead. The whole song is a monotonous text-to-speech vocalization of varying guidelines one may expect for someone to appear as and/or be human. As the list goes on, the more inhuman the stipulations become, betraying the real purpose behind the list, that this is someone attempting to appear perfectly human while misunderstanding what that means entirely.
Again, Logan was never given a guide on how to do his job, so he had to just make it up as he went along and attempt to do it perfectly without any help or reassurance. From Logan’s perspective, he knows his goal is to make sure Thomas survives to live his happy life, but his expertise in helping Thomas achieve this relies on knowledge and facts, not emotions or empathy. This results in Logan’s attempts coming off as unempathetic, cold, and strict, not to mention completely missing the point of living.
But because he is doing this solo, and because he has awareness of the consequences of failure, he is aiming for perfection and doing his best with what resources he does have – which happens to be his own intelligence and what he can learn through research. Unfortunately, when it comes to life and living, Logan’s limited only to the facts, and his primary focus is Thomas’ survival, nothing more.
[lyrics:
Not drinking too much
Regular exercise at the gym, three days a week
Getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries
At ease
Eating well, no more microwave dinners and saturated fats
A patient, better driver]
This is why some of the lyrics list guidelines such as “regular exercise at the gym” or “eating well, no more microwave dinners and saturated fats.” These are the types of recommendations you would hear from a doctor or nutritionist, examples of efforts that may result in longer life. If someone only cared about extending their life or living healthily, these would be excellent suggestions. But when they are devoid of any emotion, removed from relationships with family and friends, absent of aspirations and goals for someone to enjoy said life, the suggestions instead become robotic and inhuman. Yes, you can live longer by following these steps, but you may not enjoy the extra time you are given to do so if you only follow these suggestions and nothing more.
This is something that was discussed during the Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? episode, where Logan asserts that creating a balance of daily tasks to maintain his wellbeing will allow Thomas to live a long life. Roman argues that if Thomas spends all his time taking care of himself, it doesn’t give him enough time to pursue his dreams and he insists that he must instead take risks and give priority to his aspirations. In the end, Thomas found his motivation in a balance of both of these recommendations, that he should maintain his health while also taking the chance to achieve his goals.
While a human genuinely needs that balance, to have both sides of this argument included to find true motivation to keep going, these individual sides within Thomas are always likely to see their own mindset and opinion on the matter as the priority, as the “right” way to do things. This is exemplified by Patton’s addition during the end credits scene, where he offers his opinion on the topic about having the opportunity to add positivity to the world. His belief is only an addition to the discussion and wouldn’t detract from Logan and Roman’s suggestions, but it shows that each of Thomas’ sides have their own views on what the real answer is meant to be and that they do not agree on this notion, even if they do see eye-to-eye at times or are willing to work together for Thomas’ sake.
This song is likely meant to remind us of that episode specifically, and what Logan’s opinions on the matter were at that time, indicating his goal is for Thomas to maintain a balanced and healthy lifestyle so that he has the ability to survive and live a long life. It shows us that without the others, there is a lack of balance, but it also shows that Logan is striving for perfection, with special regard to Thomas’ needs, not necessarily his wants or desires. After all, that’s Roman’s department, right?
And this is a big factor in why the sides don’t often get along with each other. They each have their own idea of what is actually best for Thomas, and when it comes to Logan, he has an easier time arguing his points because he has all the data to back him up. This doesn’t keep the others from fighting against him, nor does it keep Thomas from taking the others’ side anyway on many occasions, but it’s still something he can rely on when everyone else is against him.
But even if he cares about Thomas’ survival most, is what he’s proposing truly the “right” way to go about it?
If he learned anything from Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning?, the ending of this song may indicate he recognizes that Thomas may well live a long life with his suggestions, but would not necessarily be happy in that life, so perhaps perfection isn’t the right goal to have in mind.
Happiness, however, can be very subjective. For instance, happiness to Logan would likely involve the satisfaction of a job well done, or the opportunity to learn something new, so what would life for Thomas be if he couldn’t have that?
This is what leads us into the next song, Medicine by STRFKR, which continues the thoughts on perfectionism and the problems that arise from it. Perhaps due to the events associated with the last song, Logan has come to realize that the goal of being perfect is either truly unattainable or, as this song seems to suggest, prevents the desire to continue learning once reached. Logan, of course, would not want Thomas to have peaked when it comes to obtaining knowledge, as there will always be something you don’t know, there will always be something new to learn. If perfection removes a desire to know more, he wouldn’t be able to encourage Thomas to learn anything new, even something for his survival. As such, his goal of perfection is flawed.
However, this now completely conflicts with his earlier notions about his own aspirations of perfection, as he must be knowledgeable and helpful for Thomas, to provide him with what he needs without flaw, without failure. He must be perfect, but perfection is not possible. He must be perfect, but perfection begets disinterest and prevents further learning. So, perfection should not be his goal because it will be of overall detriment to Thomas.
His new goal needs to be something else, but he must still maintain something as close to perfection as possible, because Thomas’ perception of him cannot be altered. Thomas will still expect perfection of him, but he can never truly attain it because it’s both impossible and would ultimately remove his purpose to Thomas as Logic. Such a feat is even more difficult to achieve than perfection, so he’s very much stuck at this point and will need to figure out a new solution to this complicated problem.
[lyrics:
Sorry
So helpless
So help you
Any way you like]
When in doubt, Logan knows he can turn to one thing: Thomas’ preference on the matter. If Logan can’t decide on the best course of action, he will instead choose whatever it is that Thomas wants, as that is how he may obtain his happiness even when working with a less-than-perfect Logic.
After all, if perfection was not the true goal, then perhaps it was meant to be whatever Thomas wanted instead. Logan didn’t need to reach perfection, he just needed to reach Thomas’ expectations. The goalpost had moved, but it was still in sight, and now he’d just have to create a new strategy in order to find success, meaning it was time for some experimentation to his approach.
[lyrics:
(spoken behind music)
The following of them does not depend on believing in anything, in obeying anything, or on doing any specific rituals
Although rituals are included for certain purposes because it is a purely experimental approach to life]
Between the events of Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? and Learning New Things About Ourselves was a fun little promo episode known as Crofter's: The Musical, and while it may not seem all that relevant in the grand scheme of things, it’s important to remember the focus of the episode relied on Logan’s extraordinary adoration of Crofter's jam.
Given his love for the product, he was ecstatic at his opportunity to be recognized through that which he admired – by being featured on a specialized version of the product itself. It’s a high honor, it’s respectable, it’s cherished. This is a great moment for Logan, seeing a lot of his efforts come to fruition in an interesting and unique way.
However, it is soured by Roman’s bruised ego, as he prefers his spotlight and sees this one moment as Logan being viewed more favorably than him overall, and then it is further ruined by the mention of Logan’s wordplay and puns throughout the episode as him acting unusual, notably unserious. Logan becomes rather concerned during the end credits scene as the others point this out about him, and he realizes that he needs to maintain the status quo after all.
His experimentation in finding a balance, of what was acceptable and what was not, resulted in him understanding that he could not engage in sillier interests publicly so as not to alter the others’ perception of him and his purpose to Thomas or tarnish his reputation as a practical, reliable, knowledgeable side. He must continue to keep emotions removed from his position as Logic, even with perfection off the table as a motivating factor.
Now, before we move on to the next song, I want to re-establish whereabout in the timeline of the series we are by this point.
We had the early origins near the start with The Elements song and White and Nerdy, which likely took place somewhere within the first couple episodes that featured Logan. We dipped into Algorhythm, which likely took place around the time the actual plot and deeper characterization began appearing in the show, somewhere between The Mind vs The Heart and Moving On Pt 1 & 2. Then, Fitter Happier seems to strike some similar chords as the episode Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? from Logan’s perspective alone, meaning we’re fairly far into the series already. Medicine is somewhere around Crofters: The Musical, which means we are about to get to Learning New Things About Ourselves.
That was an episode that definitely served as a big turning point for Logan and how he readdressed his role as Thomas’ Logic and perceived how he was meant to fulfill his position.
This is also the point in the playlist where things seem to take a much darker and negative turn.
For now, we move on to the next song, which is The Watchtower by The Dø.
Now, @intrulogical has a great analysis of the meaning that may be associated with this song from Logan’s perspective, that Logan may overthink and prefer to hide away from others out of shame when he doesn’t perform adequately, that he recognizes his mistakes and has, on multiple occasions, offered to leave the discussion in order to benefit the others and Thomas. He has taken to suggesting his removal from the situation when he doesn’t seem to have the solution they need or when he has become emotional in times where he shouldn’t be, meaning that he has come to realize it may be a better option for him to leave, rather than stay and potentially make the situation worse.
We already know that he has come to understand perfection is not possible but must still maintain something akin to it, feeling shame when mistakes are inevitable. We know he experimented with his approach to no avail, where he learned he must remain emotionless and cold to be successful. The amount of stress from trying to meet expectations, maintain restrictions, and adapt himself for the others’ benefit is beginning to take its toll on him.
The Watchtower is a song that seems to suggest Logan’s methods are what make him a true outlier among the group, but the lyrics literally start out with “I’m breaking, I need another start” which would mean this is a reaction to his stressful situation, not an action Logan chose in advance.
But he is still prepared when reacting like this. He has weighed the options; he has taken past experiences into account. He has more knowledge now on how to be Thomas’ Logic in a way that fits Thomas’ expectations, and he is no longer blindly attempting to do his best without failure and is instead using what failures he’s already had to recontextualize his understanding and guide his next actions.
But he still needs to appear as flawless as he possibly can, for Thomas and the others, so that he still embodies his role as Logic, so that he can still be relied on and trusted to do his job. While he recognizes perfection is not possible, he will still get as close to it as he can.
While stress may be a factor, this may explain some of the true motivation behind his desire to hide away in these moments, or at least his belief that it would be easier to solve these dilemmas from farther away.
[lyrics:
From the watchtower
Where we can see things coming
Good or bad, at least we see things coming
From the watchtower
Where we can read the future
Whatever it says, at least we know what’s up]
Within these lyrics, we can see that this is a very divorced perspective to have, as though Logan prefers to solve issues from a distance, removed from the situation itself and able only to view it, not directly interact with the parties involved.
Using his influence on Thomas to solve the issue without being present in Moving On Pt 2 after he abruptly left in Moving On Pt 1, Logan has shown that he can be successful when he isn’t there to be talked over and insulted, be overwhelmed by everyone’s emotions and concerns, or have his own uncontrolled emotional outbursts. He can stay unbiased, practical, and clear-headed from a distance and achieve the best results.
This explains why he attempted to leave after his outburst in the episode Learning New Things About Ourselves, because he had seen prior success in doing so.
However, it’s clear that there are some consequences to this approach.
[lyrics:
I don’t mind
if I’m impopular
I’m thinking
And no one in particular]
Another repeated notion throughout the series that Logan is now well aware of is that he is not very well liked. While this seems to stem from a combination of the expectations put on him and his stricter handling of the others’ more outlandish ideas, at this point, and the lyrics suggest he tries to make it seem as though it doesn’t bother him. But we know otherwise, because Logan does continue to attempt to garner favor from Thomas, the other sides, and the audience. It’s why he picked up the slang word flashcards, and it’s partly why he tries to use more relatable metaphors and analogies to explain complicated subjects. He does want to be liked, respected, and Heard, even if he claims otherwise.
His attempts to remove himself from the group to benefit Thomas and perform his duties from afar only seem to add to this dislike that’s been building for him. His absence prevents him from building and maintaining any relationship with the other sides (not that he was making much progress with that around that time in the series regardless). When he has his outburst in Learning New Things About Ourselves and tries to then leave the discussion entirely, he is quickly stopped by Patton who insists he stay instead. He would have preferred to leave, knowing he was more beneficial to Thomas if he was unemotional. Unfortunately, because he stays, he is unable to resolve the issue for Thomas like he had before, and instead spent the rest of the episode uncomfortable and unable to relate to the emotional concepts that were applied.
He comes away from that situation recognizing his own misunderstanding of the others’ actions in their attempts to help Thomas, but there is no solution found, only a slight improvement to Thomas’ mood about the discussion on the whole. And on Logan’s part, he was also left without a solution, resulting in him adding this as another failure to his list and believing that he will need to do more to better accommodate the other sides and Thomas’ emotions in order to achieve the best results.
[lyrics:
I’m breaking
I need another start
Far away from the city lights]
This follows the lyrics at the end of the song, repeating exactly how it started. Nothing was resolved here; Logan only sees his mistake and feels ashamed for it. He still wants to solve Thomas’ issues from a distance, but now he’s more aware of the emotional stakes that he hadn’t been implementing in his solutions before this point.
He has decided that he’ll do better, but he isn’t sure how to do that exactly, and he’s still hurting, but that’s left unacknowledged.
And Logan only comes to realize that the others are pulling away after this, as we see in Selfishness vs Selflessness, where he wasn't included in the courtroom scenario and pushed to the back and out of the way after the one moment where he could be helpful.
Logan can see that this is what Thomas and the others want for him, to stay out of their way, because he apparently can't understand them in the way they prefer. Never mind the fact that the inverse is true, too.
And that leads us to the next song, The Breach by clipping.. At a minimum, this song is very concerning, but also a helpful indicator as to what seems to be happening and possibly even why.
[lyrics:
Generally operating normally
A small anomaly has become evident
And probably should be noted]
In simple terms, something has changed, and likely not for the better. Something is different.
If we’re aware of the timeline of the story, this is sometime after the episode Learning New Things About Ourselves, which means it's likely about Remus’ arrival in Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts and how it signifies Thomas’ declining mental health.
Something specific that should be mentioned about this song first is its lyrics. They are read as a computer observing a situation, assessing the variables, and stating plainly the solution to be enacted by others. This is similar to what Logan was able to successfully do in Moving On Pt 2 and would have preferred to use as his approach in Learning New Things About Ourselves, which is to stay distant from the situation itself but address everything calmly and without emotional disruption.
However, the lyrics are also given in very quick succession, indicating a hastiness to the necessity of these instructions. This could mean that if the subject does not act swiftly, the results may not be optimal.
[lyrics:
First: the recommended course of action should be to
Administer a sedative to all the cargo via ventilation
The ship is fully capable of automating this
But requires an approval code from the administration]
As he learned in Learning New Things About Ourselves, Logan has to better accommodate the other sides’ emotions (as well as Thomas’) and their concerns on the matter in order to competently resolve the issue, so appearing and calmly explaining what needs to be done is the approach he chose. But that didn’t work out at first due to the same issues he’s been having this whole time, which is everyone’s reluctance to listen to him as well as their insistence on keeping him out of the group, especially while they are all so emotional themselves in that moment.
In order for this to work, he would need to convince Thomas and the others to trust him and to listen to what he had to say. In reality, Logan can only give them the advice they need here, he can’t actually fix it for them, hence the lyric, “but requires an approval code from the administration.” They can’t logic their way out of this but using logic can guide them away from the overly emotional response and provide the instructions needed to find that solution.
Logan applies the instructions from the song – administer a sedative? Calm the others back down. The importance of alacrity? Speak with confidence, stay positive. Send security immediately? Logan took charge of the situation at hand because no one else was handling it.
Logan keeps himself level-headed, refuses to show any emotional response (not to Remus, not to Virgil, not to Patton), and displays his worth as Thomas’ Logic to the best of his ability. And it works fairly well, as he manages to calm the other sides and Thomas down while also warding Remus off and tiring him out. It took longer than he probably expected, but he accomplished what he had set out to do.
Despite the end of the song sounding like an electric-powered warzone, the episode Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts had ended on a positive note for Logan, as he was praised by Thomas for being cool, with how he handled the situation so smoothly and didn’t let anything affect him. This marked a success for Logan, and he now knows that addressing situations with swift action, getting right to the point while also allowing for the other parties to vent their feelings on the matter, and staying composed and unemotional himself while addressing the problem was the best course of action, at least while Thomas was in this type of mindset and far more stressed than he had been in the past.
Perhaps he really has finally figured out how to be a proper Logic for Thomas after all.
Unfortunately, whatever elation he had in that episode doesn’t last long, as our next song, Letter C by Zach Sherwin, is all about being embarrassed by others and reflecting back on the situation later to think of something cleverer that could have been said in response.
As this is something he has dealt with a handful of times in the series as a whole, Logan wishing he could have thought up a better comeback to the others’ insults in the moment is not unheard of, and it could easily be inferred that he’s done this type of reflection on his own many times.
[lyrics:
And now it’ll linger forever but I’ve been stewin’ over
What I’d say to him if I could do it over]
The song lyrics mention how this situation lingers, that it’s something Logan thinks about repeatedly, even though we know there have been multiple moments like this. He remembers it for a long time, he thinks back on each one, wishing he could have done something more when he had the chance.
This is a moment more steeped in pride than obligation to his duty as Logic, however. While his desire to be viewed as clever and informed comes from the expectations of him as Thomas’ Logic, his desire to be respected as Better than the other sides in this particular way does not.
As was told in Learning New Things About Ourselves, it seems Logan habitually criticizes the others and becomes more standoffish in response to stress and a lack of order, as though the lack of control in a situation supercedes his judgement on how to behave among the other sides. In attempt to regain that control, he tries to place himself and his importance in the matter above others, which only causes additional problems.
In reality, all the sides should be balancing each other out, but the system currently in place is not balanced at all, and we often see sides like Logan further down the ranks than others on a regular basis. This can explain his desire to level it back out or rise even higher, to prove that he should be listened to and respected, and he could easily convince himself that his reason for this desire stems from his necessity to Thomas as opposed to any correlated feelings of shame or pride.
Thomas needs his logical side, someone to act as his voice of reason when the others are too emotional and rowdy, someone to provide unbiased facts instead of the others’ leaning opinions, someone that he can trust to always be in his corner and do what’s best for him every time. While the others turn Thomas’ gaze to the future or the past, Logan does everything he can to keep him steady in the present, so long as Thomas actually listens.
Logan had spent a lot of time to change and be better for Thomas, to meet and exceed his expectations. He adapted his thoughts, his methods, his temperament, all to best accommodate Thomas and his needs. So, it makes a lot of sense that he’d have a lot left unsaid after everything he has tolerated throughout the series. He wishes he could have the respect he believes he’s owed instead of continuing to endure insults left and right, but for now, he can only make up such scenarios where he comes out on top in his mind.
A moment of respite comes with what's next on the playlist, Galaxy Song from Monty Python (as sung by Stephen Hawking), which has a delightful message of enjoying the wonder found in our universe. There’s already so much to learn on our planet, but there’s endlessly more available to us out in the rest of the ever-expanding universe.
The song jabs at the inevitable stupidity of some people but chooses not to complain or find a way to be better than them. Instead, one should choose to refocus on something positive, to distract themself rather than to dwell on it. It’s better to think about something you enjoy rather than something you hate, right? And this makes it seem as though it’s a response to the last song in this way, that Logan has dealt with another insult or stressful situation and was unable to respond in the way he preferred, so now he’s choosing to ignore it and think about something fascinating to pass his time in a healthier and nonjudgmental way. Ignoring the situation is no better than stewing over it, but at least this way he gets to think about something he appreciates.
Neither of these songs seem to have a particular place in the overall storyline from the series, by the way. They seem to embody multiple similar occurrences over the course of the show, indicating that this has happened before, continues to happen, and will likely keep happening in the future. However, it’s not a great situation to repeatedly have to handle, especially if Logan is still as stressed as we know he is, and if he simply keeps permitting it to happen without speaking up properly about why it bothers him, then it will never change.
The next song, Streaks, is itself a very interesting song that embodies a lot of nostalgia, both good and bad, that Logan holds about his past with Thomas – teaching him, helping him study, guiding his path through school and college. Sadly, we know that Thomas proceeded to let his Chemical Engineering degree collect dust so he could instead pursue an acting career and become a successful Youtuber as an adult. To Logan, these more creative interests overtook his studies and Thomas’ potential for a stable and well-earning career.
[lyrics:
All these years of filling out papers
Building a future
Keeping your head down
Tryin’ to keep a head on your shoulders
Keep it creative
Make it your own somehow]
From these lyrics, we can see the inclusion of creativity as a secondary to getting the work done, showing something that was discussed in Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning? as Logan proposed that Thomas maintaining a healthy lifestyle and doing his work tasks needed to take priority over creative pursuits and aspirations. This could imply that, during Thomas’ school years, Logan may have had a lot more say in what Thomas should do to be successful in his classes and to get into college, and that he didn’t turn away Thomas’ interest in creativity but preferred it to not take priority over his schoolwork.
But, as we know, what may have started as a creative outlet soon grew into a genuine interest and then a full acting career that negated the entire point of all of Logan’s hard work. If Thomas had wanted to be an actor or a Youtuber all along, why did Logan put so much effort into getting Thomas to study, to do his work, to get into college, to earn his degree? He couldn’t even be proud of such an accomplishment because it served no purpose to Thomas as an adult. It didn’t signify anything except wasted effort on Logan’s part.
[lyrics:
Throw ‘em in the water
Let ‘em sink or float
Give ‘em what they need to move on
Then you let them go]
This sounds like something you’d hear from a parent watching their child grow up and move onto adulthood and pursue their own life away from the family home.
Logan had done his part, he taught and guided Thomas in everything he needed to know in order to achieve success. And when it came time for Thomas to follow through, he proceeded to veer off to a completely different path and Logan could do nothing but watch it happen. Thankfully, though, Thomas Had found success, just not in a way that Logan had expected.
He hadn’t even prepared for this type of eventuality – it was unknown territory.
But Logan could adapt, he could make this work. He’d shown he was able to overcome past obstacles, and he found ways to implement research and education into Thomas’ creative career, giving him an opportunity to still learn something new. He just needed to stay relevant and keep Thomas’ interest and continue encouraging him to learn. However, that proved much harder to do when Thomas refused to listen to him.
Thomas had grown to require much less from Logan over time, having moved away from the days of tests and studying to bigger and better adventures. It left Logan with very little to do for Thomas but maybe to appear when he had no one else to turn to.
It was as though it wasn’t just Thomas’ degree that he’d placed up on a shelf to collect dust, but Logan, too. To stay tucked away, unused for years, only ever coming in handy for very specific situations and nothing but an embarrassment or eyesore in others. What use could he possibly have anymore? Why should Thomas be proud of him when he didn’t need him for anything?
Now, if you’ve noticed, these past few songs seem to lean more heavily toward emotions than the ones that came before them. Letter C was about embarrassment and feeling shame over his mistakes and how he’s been treated, trying to use his pride to combat it. The Galaxy Song was about relief and ignoring the situation to escape to wonder and curiosity as a coping mechanism. And now Streaks is about nostalgia, the wistful longing for what once was, and the painful memory of what came of that despite all his effort.
He’s embarrassed, he’s running away from the problem, he’s sad.
You see, Logan is trying to find a solution here by using something similar to what the other sides might try when they are the ones struggling. He’s copying their methods. Roman leans on his pride to sooth his ego and to make himself feel better, Virgil runs away and hides from his issues, and Patton delves into nostalgia and strengthens his sadness, feeling it deeply.
This implies that Logan doesn’t quite understand how to handle whatever it is that he is feeling, but he's paid close enough attention to what the others have done, even if he doesn't understand why or how it's meant to help. Now that he's searching for some sort of solution on his own, he experiments, tries something new based upon his research and facts, rather than asking for any kind of help.
Remember, he can’t tarnish his image as a near-flawless Logic that is supposed to already know everything, who they’re supposed to be able to rely on. So, he will have to solve this one on his own, too, by just trying things out until he eventually gets it right. That is what the experimental approach is for, after all.
But these emotional songs are only the beginning, and they’re about to take a stark turn.
Next is What I Do For U by Ra Ra Riot, which is a song absolutely steeped in frustration and anger. In so few lyrics, it says a lot of what Logan has been mulling over lately in the storyline. We know his frustration over everything has been building more and more.
[lyrics:
I want you to survive
Anything you need]
This song gets right to the point with its opening lyrics and even the chorus. It tells us that Logan’s efforts, all these recommendations to Thomas, all the schedules and planning, all this encouragement for him to eat healthy and take better care of himself, all his guidance and advice and helpfulness serve one purpose and one purpose alone – to help Thomas survive.
[lyrics:
What I do for you
I do for you]
Everything he does, he does for Thomas.
But does Thomas recognize that? It doesn’t seem so.
And this, of course, bothers Logan. It doesn’t just bother him, it angers him. Logan has put in so much of his time and energy over the years into doing everything perfectly for Thomas, with no help in doing so this entire time. Prioritizing Thomas’ wellness over everything, listening to the others even when he couldn’t understand their emotions, remaining level-headed and calm around their puns and insults and threats, hiding his interests and holding back his words so they wouldn’t think less of him. He has worked against obstacles and odds of which the others aren’t even aware. He has bent and molded and reshaped himself in so many ways to better accommodate everyone else, to match their expectations, to make them happy. He did it for them.
But what does he get in return? Mocked, disrespected, and ignored.
And, worst of all, Logan knows just how important he is to Thomas! Well, in function, at least. Thomas would not survive without Logic, and yet Logan seems to be the only one to recognize that fact. He can’t even be respected for his function, his purpose in keeping Thomas alive and well. It’s one thing if they didn't like Logan, but wasn’t the fact that he was needed for Thomas’ survival enough for them to tolerate him, at the very least?
[lyrics:
I’m your only hope
And I’m your savior too
Every single test
You’ve been ever carried through]
On top of that, and as we saw in the Working Through Intrusive Thoughts asides episode, Logan has been attempting to solve Thomas’ issues by himself, relying on his knowledge and experience with Thomas to determine the best approach in every situation without consulting the other sides at all. At some point in the series, Logan came to believe that he was the only one who actually cared about what Thomas needed, that he was somehow the only one actually keeping Thomas alive. He believes he is the only side who’s clear-headed enough to handle Thomas’ problems, the only one who can act as a voice of reason, the only one who offers practical and useful solutions.
This is, unfortunately for Logan, not actually true, but it makes sense why he would come to this conclusion, considering that every side disagrees on what they think is best for Thomas. The other sides tend to focus on their own self-interests and goals as guiding factors while Logan is the one who deals the most in absolutes and factual information. Something that Roman suggests can be complete fantasy, impossible to ever achieve. Something that Patton suggests can be unreasonable to follow through on or would only hurt Thomas in the long run. Something that Virgil suggests can be rooted in negativity and self-doubt, bringing Thomas’ mental health down as a result. Janus’ suggestions can be incredibly biased and not always socially acceptable. Remus’ suggestions…well. They can be both uncomfortable as well as impractical.
But Logan never gives impossible, impractical, or biased recommendations to Thomas. He uses research to find what would work best for the situation, then applies it to his knowledge and experience with Thomas to determine what would suit him most, and then suggests it outright, explaining in simple terms a way in which it can be implemented.
He does all the hard work for Thomas, so that all he’ll have to do is simply follow through. Each time, he does this with Thomas and his needs at the forefront of every offer.
Yes, he can go overboard a bit, just like all the other sides, but he thinks that just means he needs to be flexible and allow for some exceptions to balance things out, allow Thomas to be happy in his survival. After all, he has learned so much over the course of this series, hasn’t he?
He learned to compromise with those he disagreed with in The Mind vs The Heart. He learned that too much or too little of any side’s influence could bring detriment to Thomas in Accepting Anxiety Pt 1 & 2. He learned that emotions could override intelligence and present a major problem in Moving On Pt 1 & 2. He learned that finding some balance between his suggestions and the others’ was optimal in Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning?. He learned that such balance could not be applied to himself as he had to maintain his role as an unemotional Logic and stay serious in Crofters: The Musical. He learned that he needed to expand his understanding of why Thomas preferred emotions over intelligence despite the need for both in Learning New Things About Ourselves. He learned that the other sides and Thomas could apparently solve their issues without his presence in Selfishness vs Selflessness. He learned that his method of taking action and solving the issue for them when they were too emotional to do it themselves was more efficient in Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts. He learned that, despite his willingness to help, the others much preferred to solve issues without him in Putting Others First. He learned that his method of efficiency in solving Thomas’ problems on his behalf was not particularly welcome and would not earn him the respect he desired in Working Through Intrusive Thoughts. He learned that despite continued efforts, the others still won’t listen to him or to each other in Have I Grown? – Five Years Later. He learned that, as the logical side, the others would always assume he was against them and their ideas in Can Plushies Improve Our Health?
He's learned…a lot. Overall, he has concluded that he is needed but not wanted, that he has the answers but not the perfect method to apply them, that he apparently should allow for emotions to guide the other sides and Thomas while keeping himself cut off from them entirely, and that he should be implementing logic only where it is most required or when specifically requested.
Logan has found what he believes should work best for Thomas, but has also realized that Thomas is refusing to listen. Thomas doesn’t want to do things that benefit him, he doesn’t want to do things that will make him feel better, and Logan certainly can’t force him to do them, either, even when he’s sure it will help. Are the suggestions the problem or is it because it’s Logan suggesting them that keeps him from doing it?
Logan is very determined to perform his function, to keep Thomas alive and well. He wants to empower him to overcome the mental health difficulties he’s been facing lately, and to allow him to take care of his needs, but Logan’s doing all of this by himself because he doesn’t believe anyone else is capable nor wants to do what has to be done.
The other sides prefer to only dabble in the fun parts, the emotional parts, and leave the complicated and messy stuff to Logan alone. And if Thomas refuses to listen just because it’s Logan telling him the answer, then it puts everything at a standstill, including Logan’s purpose for even being there.
It frustrates him. He feels like he’s been put in this unwinnable position, always made out to be the bad guy when all he does is care about Thomas’ survival and wellbeing.
[lyrics:
I couldn’t ever give up on you
But don’t thank me]
He, quite literally, could never stop doing his job as Thomas’ Logic. He could never stop doing his part, keeping everything afloat, making sure that Thomas can still function, even when Thomas’ mental health is fighting against him at every turn.
Throughout all of Working Through Intrusive Thoughts, we see Logan pause or postpone his plans so he can redirect Thomas and attempt to salvage his mental health, give him time to refocus. He knows it’s a priority right now. He has learned time and time again that emotions are more important than logic in this world, even if logic is the reason he knows and can implement ways to help Thomas to calm down and manage those emotions.
Logan knows by now that he can only help when he’s asked to or when he’s needed most, but after every obstacle and barrier he’s managed to push through, after being the only one who cares enough to do anything to help, he’s left tired and frustrated. He just wants Thomas to listen, for once, for his own benefit, so that he might understand what it is Logan hasn’t been able to say because he’s been pushed down and away for so long.
He shouts out “Stop ignoring me!” to Remus, but Remus knows it’s not really him that he wants to yell that at, and he’s right. Logan’s frustration is mostly with Thomas, and this song shows that very clearly.
He won’t give up on him because he physically can’t, but maybe he has stopped caring about why that is. Maybe he will just do his job, meet the bare minimum of expectations, and not care about the rest anymore.
When Thomas asks him “What’s next?” in the Have I Grown? anniversary video, Logan simply responds, “You tell me.”
He knows his opinion doesn’t matter. He knows no one listens to what he has to say. His suggestions are ignored, his advice is unwanted. Why should he bother giving a damn any longer if Thomas and the other sides clearly don’t give a damn about him?
And that’s where we get to the next song, Erase Me by Ben Folds Five.
This is a very pivotal moment, and it’s notable that it seems to be something that will happen in the near future of the series, because, as of the last song, we have already surpassed all currently released (and relevant) episodes of Sanders Sides in this timeline of the playlist. Erase Me will be related to whatever happens next in Logan’s arc, which also means everything from here on out is more of a prediction than an analysis.
[lyrics:
What was our home?
Paper, not stone
A lean-to, at most]
There’s a lot going on from the very start of this song. First, Logan’s perspective of the mindscape, the “family” of Thomas’ sides, and the system they’ve been using to keep Thomas going was clearly built on shaky foundation, paper-thin and ready to fall at a moment’s notice. Patton holding back negative emotions and then pushing Thomas to prioritize others over himself, Roman pushing himself too far and letting passion fuel Thomas’ every move in desperate attempts to look like the good guy, Virgil’s persistent presence alone despite his efforts to do better only to turn around and assume the worst of Thomas’ opinion of him, Janus’ meddling and his attempts to get Thomas to understand his issues without saying anything outright and only confusing him more and making him feel more guilty, and Remus being abrasive and outlandish to grab Thomas’ attention at every chance he has even if it comes at a detriment to Thomas’ health. It really was only a matter of time before things fell through.
Thomas struggling the way he has been was bound to happen because he wasn’t taking care of himself, he would only listen to some sides far more than others and wasn’t listening to his voice of reason much at all. This created an unfair and, at times, toxic environment for the sides to live and work in. All of them constantly trying to grab Thomas’ attention was what kept them from paying attention to Thomas and what he needed instead.
This became increasingly evident after Janus showed up in the narrative, and has been explicitly clear since Remus’ arrival, too. Thomas is not doing well mentally, and his sides are all stressed out which is making it worse. Logan can recognize all this from a detached, outside perspective despite also being just as affected. He’s been trying to keep things together for Thomas, working on his own to fulfill every role being left undone while the others are too upset to handle things as they typically could, but unfortunately, Logan’s finding it hard to care anymore.
[lyrics:
And when you pulled
Your half away
Gravity won
Like it always does
Did I weigh a ton?
Would it be easier
To just delete
Our pages and the plans we made?]
So, this song is sung in a very accusatory tone, poking at a specific person (mainly because it is originally a break-up song). The speaker is very upset and angry with the other party, and they are relaying their observations and asking why, asking if it was their fault this happened.
“And when you pulled your half away” implies that Logan was not the instigator of whatever preceded this incident, but as we saw with the last song, Logan holds some beliefs about Thomas and the other sides that are not fully true but are not exactly contested either. He could easily see their insistence in pushing him away, ignoring him, and refusing to listen even when Thomas is in desperate need of help as their act of pulling away from him, even if he is the one who has finally let go.
And while I don’t want to get too particular with my predictions, I do believe it’s very possible a last straw for Logan at this juncture may very well involve Thomas’ mental health and what he genuinely needs for survival.
If you’ll remember, Logan now believes he is only truly needed when it is absolutely necessary and there are no other options, or if he is specifically requested to help in some way, so if there is a situation that requires his attention, only for him to show up and be rejected yet again, he may just give up at that point.
And Logan thinks he is the only side genuinely looking out for Thomas, not just for his needs but his wants, as well. Thomas had specifically asked for his help in the Working Through Intrusive Thoughts episode, only for him to take on multiple roles to keep Thomas calm enough to handle himself. And Logan was the only one who bothered to ask Thomas what He wanted in the Can Plushies Improve Our Health? promo video, before even making his argument that everyone else assumed would be in opposition but turned out not to be.
Logan sees himself as that last remaining straw, really. If something is going to finally break him, it will be Thomas and the others. It will be their negligence, their refusal, their rejection of him that finally bends him too far, pushing him to a point where nothing can ever be the same again.
[lyrics:
So what will you do
With no me for you
I know what we said
What if I left
A thing or two?
We know that you don’t seem
To think about what you need
‘Til you reach to find that you’ve—
Erased me]
Like I said, Logan sees himself as the only one holding Thomas together. He believes that, without him, everything would fall apart and turn to chaos, and he’s probably right about most of that.
These lyrics are the speaker predicting what will occur, that the others won’t even notice his absence until they need him for something, and that’s when they’ll realize he’s already gone. This indicates a potential plan to leave, maybe not fully ducking out but certainly not sticking around either. Something that would keep Thomas’ logic functional for use while also allowing Logan a reprieve from him and the other sides, where he would only be used as one would a tool; tucked away in storage until the moment it is needed, then put right back afterward.
Leaving is the key here, though, and it’s something we’ve already seen result in detriment to Thomas back in Accepting Anxiety Pt 1 & 2, and yet, Logan has come to believe that this is a favorable option. Why? Is this to help him feel vindicated, to teach them a lesson?
It's not as though they want him around enough to stop him from leaving anyway.
You know, both the title and chorus of this song portray a very particular message, as “erase me” is not the speaker’s action, because he is not the one erasing himself. Rather, it is a suggestion to the other party so that they can finally be rid of the speaker. The lyrics are also taunting with these words, as if to say that this is what the other party has wanted all along anyway so they should just do it already.
Logan is asking, pleading, for Thomas to let him go because he obviously doesn’t even want him around. Logan doesn’t want to put up with this anymore, and as angry as he is at how he’s been treated, he knows he can’t just give up on Thomas, he’s literally a part of him. This has to be Thomas’ decision, Thomas’ action. Thomas has to be the one to push Logan away, the one to erase him.
Logan isn’t just angry at this point, he’s miserable. He knows he’s unwanted and barely needed, as he serves so little purpose to Thomas in his current career and doesn’t get along with any of the other sides despite everything he has tried to do to correct that. They’ve made it clear they don’t want him around, and they have already proven they can solve issues on their own without his help. He doesn’t need to be there, so why won’t Thomas just let him go?
[lyrics:
Erase me, and you’ll never have to face me
Erase me, Option-Command-Escape me
And if you feel nothing, guess what I wanna be?]
A fun little tidbit of knowledge here, but the Option-Command-Escape function on an Apple computer is its force-quit option, to completely cease a program from running. The program can’t do this itself; the user has to combine those three keys to make it happen. And when they do, the program will have closed and shut down completely. Often this is used when a program isn’t working the way it’s supposed to, when it fails to do its job. By doing this, you put it out of its misery.
Logan isn’t just asking to leave, to only benefit Thomas from afar or only as needed, he is essentially begging for death. He no longer wishes to function at all, because he believes he has no purpose to Thomas or the others. He is pleading for Thomas to let him go, find someone else who could do a better job as his Logic, someone who they’d actually enjoy having around.
For Logan to reach this low of a point, something truly devastating has to have happened to him. I cannot possibly predict what may truly set him off in this way, but given the most recent events in the series, he isn’t all that far from this point already. Likely, it will involve his worth and use to Thomas, and it won’t just be that he was forgotten or tossed aside like in SVS and SVS:R, but that Thomas or the others doing something that will clarify his uselessness out loud, where it can no longer be denied. There will be a divide that leaves him alone on the other end, finally and truly aware that he will never belong here.
Desperation that turns to anger to hide away its shame and misery, Logan won’t just duck out like Virgil had in Accepting Anxiety Pt 1. He would lash out, make sure Thomas and the others knew exactly why he wanted to leave, and begging that they be the ones to cut that connection for him. Maybe he will do something to push the issue, to give them a reason to do it. Perhaps the Orange side will emerge at this point, either to assist him in whatever he’s trying to do or to take over for him or something else entirely.
Regardless of what happens, Logan has now hit a very low point, and everyone knows it.
The next song is Art is Dead by Bo Burnham, which by itself can imply quite a few things.
As if simmering down from the initial blast of heat in the last song, there's still anger and annoyance here, but also a realization.
Something I want you to understand about this song before we relate it to Logan and why it’s included in this playlist is that the speaker is talking about a position, specifically an entertainer, and is saying that what they do is problematic. The speaker is complaining about another party, only to then turn around and include themself within that party. They are not just saying “entertainers are bad and here’s 50 reasons why.” They are saying “entertainers are attention-seekers, and so am I.”
So, when you then put this into perspective with Logan and the message he’s been trying to convey, he is pointing out flaws that he sees in what is likely Roman, as well as Thomas, but he’s also including himself as part of the problem. He recognizes that he, too, seeks attention – from Thomas, from the other sides, from the audience. And he doesn’t feel that it’s a good thing, he sees it as shameful because he knew why it was an issue, and yet he kept doing it anyway.
This seems like a moment of self-reflection, to see that he is not above the others at all, in fact he’s not that different from them when it comes down to what they all want, which is Thomas’ attention. Every single one of them is trying to be heard, but Thomas has only been listening to some of them. And most of them never feel that what they do get is enough, no matter how much it is.
This song shows that Logan knows he wants Thomas’ attention, but also that he doesn’t feel he’s done enough to deserve it. He believes he hasn’t even earned a right to complain like he has. He’s ashamed for how he’s acted because he thought he was supposed to be better than this. He doesn’t deserve the respect he thought he was owed; he doesn’t deserve anything.
With this song, he has somehow managed to dig even lower than his last low point, he’s just sorry for all the trouble he’s caused. Maybe his emotions got out of hand, maybe the Orange side caused problems but it was his fault because he let it happen – who knows? Even if he felt vindicated in the moment, it was clearly fleeting, and now, after the events of what happened, Logan only feels worse.
And then we get to Equation from The Little Prince next on the playlist, and we’re still in that zone of self-reflection, but it’s no longer about how Logan’s just like the others. No, now it’s all about his own flaws, his own failures, and everywhere that he’s fallen short.
Logan has now managed to dig even deeper than his lowest low, folks! It just gets worse and worse! Can you believe it?
[lyrics:
Will I ever know
How white is the snow
Does it matter after all?
Will I ever learn
How to fly like birds]
In this lowest point, Logan can only come up with questions that have been left unasked. Did he hurt Thomas? Did he ruin whatever he had with the other sides? Will he be forever trapped in this world Thomas created for them, with no way to truly explore the real world, to see its full wonder? Will he ever have a chance to do better, to be better, to hope again? Will he ever reach his true potential? Did he ever even have a true potential?
He had attempted and failed to find perfection for so long. He believed it was just a matter of trying, of wanting to meet Thomas’ expectations of him, that if he put his all into it, then he could see it through and be what exactly what Thomas wanted him to be, to be what everyone expected him to be, to be what Logan himself hoped to be.
Hours, days, weeks, years… In the end, it was never truly possible, and yet he had kept foolishly hoping for so long that he could be enough for Thomas. He had called the others’ ideas irrational, when, really, it was him all along with the impossible dreams.
[lyrics:
Are you good as gold?
Are you far from hope?
Are you well alone,
Dad?
Will I be a brave?
Will I be a bright?
Will I be a good grown-up?]
The future was never certain, but now Logan could never be sure of anything. What will become of him? What will become of Thomas? Is it even possible to recover from this, to start over, to get better?
We then move on to the next song, Sunrise from In The Heights. Logan is not doing well, but something he definitely needs more than anything right now is some sort of hope and motivation to keep trying and keep going.
Sunrise appears to be a song meant to involve either Roman or Patton communicating with Logan, but the purpose in its placement on this playlist seems to infer emotion as a motivation to learn, if you break the romantic intent away from the song itself, that is. Anything can motivate one to learn, even love, and Logan must be able to recognize this and understand that emotions and intelligence do not have to have a clear separation and can instead work in tandem. Learning isn’t just about curiosity or survival, it can have very emotional ties, as well.
For so long in the series, Logan has insisted he did not have emotions, even when this was clearly false. He believed that keeping himself removed from emotions would help him succeed in his job as Logic, that the others would be able to rely on him much more if they could trust his knowledge to be unbiased and unmotivated by unpredictable emotions. He assumed that divide between the two was necessary, and that if the two merged or collided, he would be unfit to do his job, that he would not be taken seriously.
However, doing this kept him from understanding and processing his own emotions as well as being unable to empathize with Thomas and the other sides. He only grew to misunderstand and mistrust emotions more and more as time went on, becoming startled and confused at his own outbursts, not aware of why he would feel a certain way or have a certain reaction to a situation, because he refused to let himself experience that emotion, to feel it. His lack of understanding directly resulted from his choice not to engage with emotions at all, despite their importance.
And finding that importance is where this song comes in, because the crucial point Logan had been missing all this time was that emotions can encourage one to learn, inspire one to research. Love can motivate someone to learn a new language, so they can communicate, as we hear in this song. But something like anger can motivate someone to research an important topic so they can fight for what they believe in with facts on their side. Sadness can inspire someone to look into advice and ways to help, not just for oneself but for others, too, employing empathy and logic side by side. Fear can motivate someone to find truth, to create familiarity with routines and schedules, to calm down cognitive distortions to maintain peace of mind.
Logic and emotions do not need to be separated; they can work together very well. In fact, most people use both in tandem every day.
For so long, Logan had set for himself a barrier he could not, would not cross. He knew there was nuance to the world but learned over time that he could not display his own. He resorted to that black-and-white thinking for the others' benefit and then to his own, finding that it was all-or-nothing when it came to Logic or Emotions. He believed one would merely taint the other, so they must be kept apart, even if that left only he alone on the other side, as the only logical side.
Despite the unfairness and discomfort, he didn’t want to challenge what he had come to think was right, what he’d been using as his basis for how he was supposed to act, which is why he refused to learn more about it, to never dare change the perception that he held.
He had given up, letting the world and its arbitrary rules dictate who he was and how he should be…but that was never meant to happen.
Once he realizes where his thoughts had steered him wrong, it will be like a whole new world of opportunities has suddenly opened up to him, giving him so much more to explore and learn. It will give him what he was missing this whole time. It will bridge the gaps he’d been unable to cross.
Logan does serve a purpose, and it's an incredibly important one, but it’s not something he was ever meant to do completely alone like he has been.
And that, of course, is where we get to the next song, One More Time with Feeling by Regina Spektor.
Firstly, this is a song about recovery, which is definitely where Logan would be by now in the story, processing what happened, and attempting to move forward and do better. As many know, recovery is not linear, and it’s certainly not perfect.
But given everything that has happened, it’s not all on Logan to improve himself on his own. Yes, he will need to allow himself to feel emotions so that he can understand them better, and he’ll need to learn ways to implement feelings alongside intelligence when working with the other sides to help Thomas, but the other sides need to do their part here, as well.
They have pushed him away, refused to listen to him for so long, often for petty reasons that blossomed into their eventual negligence. It won’t be easy to fix that level of miscommunication between Logan and the others. It’s not as simple as Logan finally speaking up, or the others promising to do better; it will require a lot of work from both ends before anyone can truly meet in the middle on this.
Logan had spent a lot of time before all this, trying to find ways to meet the others halfway, only to met with nothing in return. He gave up so much of himself, and now resents their choice to only take and never give anything back. Once the others finally reciprocate and show that they do genuinely care about him, only then will Logan have the chance to start this journey, to finally begin to get better.
The lyrics that we hear a few times in this song “this is why we fight” can have multiple connotations, such as an explanation of why the group miscommunicates and argues so much, why they don’t get along. But it can also mean that this is their motivation to keep trying, to fight for what they believe in.
I believe both of these meanings are present in Logan’s perspective of this song.
[lyrics:
Oh, everyone takes turns, now it’s yours to play the part
And they’re sitting all around you, holding copies of your chart
And the misery inside their eyes is synchronized and reflecting into yours]
Earlier on in the song, Logan believes that the others don’t understand his predicament, even if they want to help. They are still separate from him, even if they’ve all had their own issues to overcome, that doesn’t mean they actually comprehend what he’s going through, how it feels, what it means.
He experiences the world so differently from the rest of them. How could they ever possibly understand?
They are pushing him to do something he cannot do well – to open up, to reach out, to feel – and it’s only condescending and antagonistic how they keep insisting that he try again every time he fails.
“This is why we fight” during the chorus is his condemnation of their actions, that he doesn’t think the others can meet him at his level. He is not in a place yet where he can believe they’ll listen to what he’s actually saying, he can’t trust that they’ll bother to explain these unknown things to him in a way he can understand. And this is why they continue to fight, to argue, to not get along, because they aren’t properly communicating, they’re just making the same mistakes again and again.
[lyrics:
You thought by now you’d be so much better than you are
You thought by now they’d see that you had come so far
And the pride inside their eyes would synchronize into a love you’ve never known
So much more than you’ve been shown]
Logan thought he would be better, not just in regard to being the best he can be for Thomas, to succeed as his Logic, to know what to do, and to have the answers, but also in terms of his own recovery. It’s difficult, and some days are worse than others; he makes progress and then he doesn’t, and it’s shameful because he has such high expectations for himself.
He’s so used to aiming for perfection that when failure is consistent like this, it feels wrong to be told it’s actually okay, that it’s normal.
But he wants to prove that Thomas’ efforts and the efforts from the other sides have not gone to waste on him, that he is improving. And yet, he keeps failing anyway. He was supposed to be perfect; he was supposed to be reliable! But now look at him. Even with their help, he’s still messing things up.
He just wants to make them proud, he wants to earn that attention and respect that he couldn’t get before, even if he knows he still doesn’t deserve it. He wants to prove that maybe he can deserve it, though.
“This is why we fight” during the next chorus is his agreement with the others, that this is the motivation to keep trying, to keep going. Someday, he can be better. Someday, he will be respected and trusted and relied upon in the ways that he wants. Someday, they’ll be proud of him.
Until then, the fight is worth it.
This leads directly into In My Mind by Amanda Palmer as the next song, as we see Logan has held very high expectations for himself, which is why failure had hurt so much. But now that things have changed, he may be beginning to challenge these expectations, to expand upon them and understand that he has a chance for something different now.
[lyrics:
Because I will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I’m in
And I will be someone I admire]
Part of the issue really did come down to lyrics like “never minding what state I’m in” because Logan never put himself as a priority. This entire time, even at his lowest point, Logan was never the one who was important, not even to himself.
He was okay with this because this was never about him, it was about what Thomas needed or wanted. His willingness to bend and remake himself to benefit the others was surely a sentiment shared by all of them, that this was just what was needed to accomplish his job.
It’s not until Logan finally realizes that this is not the case, that he needs to put himself in some priority, too, that he’ll ever begin to improve and truly get better, able to be himself or enjoy anything he does again.
A big part of recovery is not setting your motivation on someone or something else – you need to get better because you want to be better. You need to believe you deserve to be happy, to get the things you want. Logan can say he’s doing this to benefit Thomas, to build back a relationship with the other sides, to earn back his position and demand respect as Logic, but that will only fail until his motivation is simply that it’s something he wants to do, for him. When attached to others and their expectations, those strings only come with guilt and can end up making his situation worse.
Logan has to do this for himself.
[lyrics:
And it’s funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I’ve just forgotten how to see
That I’m not exactly the person that I thought I’d be]
It starts with recognition, the realization that he hasn’t met those expectations he held for himself. There’s still judgement and he still feels guilty about it, wondering how he could have let it get to this point. Maybe he just wasn’t paying attention properly, maybe he should have remembered that he’d already decided long ago about perfection being unattainable and how that was supposed to apply to him, too.
[lyrics:
Not like me now
I’m so busy with everything
That I don’t look at anything
But I’m sure I’ll look when I am older]
He regrets having missed out on the present, not having the chance to experience the wonder of the world that he so admires due to all his efforts towards achieving perfection and doing his best to handle everything by himself. He was so busy trying to do everything so precisely and getting the result he wanted that he hadn’t given himself the opportunity to enjoy anything in all that time.
He could do activities if they were productive, if they served a purpose, but he was a hypocrite, always aware and sharing the wonder of the universe and all that exists within it, amazed by the here and now, yet spending all his time locked in, looking away from the present while trying so hard to maintain it.
How long did he spend, convincing himself that just as soon as he achieves what he set out to do, then he would have time to do that? How long would he have kept going if something hadn’t finally snapped and broken everything, forcing him to confront this?
Would he have missed out? Would he have been somehow worse?
[lyrics:
And it’s funny how I imagined that I could be that person now
But that’s not what I want, but that’s what I wanted
And I’d be giving up somehow, how strange to see
That I don’t wanna be the person that I want to be]
Finally, a breakthrough. While not quite acceptance, Logan is finally starting to see the difference, that he wants things in a different way now than he did before.
He kept trying to strive for perfection in his recovery, but didn’t he recall how badly that had gone last time? He knew perfection wasn’t attainable, but he believed that was the expectation Thomas and the others had for him. He kept trying to get to it, no matter what it cost him, and that’s how he wound up here in the first place.
And now, after everything, things have changed. Thomas is listening, at least more than before. The others do care, and try to make sure he knows it, too. Logan had wanted to get better, to make them proud, to prove that he deserved what they were offering to him, but… that wasn’t even the point of it all.
All this time, he’d thought he still needed to be perfect, that that was what he wanted, but now that he’s finally had a chance to look inside himself, to experience wonder and curiosity again, he has realized that what he really wanted was to be accepted.
He didn’t want to have to change himself so the others would listen, he just wished they would actually want to listen to him, to like him for who he is, to let him be himself without requiring him to change, to only be the best, only what was needed, only Logic.
He wanted to be more than Logic; he wanted to be Logan.
With that, he finally realizes that doesn’t have to focus on perfection for Thomas’ sake and survival. He can focus more on himself more instead, on what he actually wants from the world, what he wants to do, and what he wants to try. He can be what he wants to be – more than Thomas’ Logic.
Having finally realized what it’s all for and being given the time to explore that, we get to the next song, Not Perfect by Tim Minchin.
This is a song that attempts to use facts and knowledge to explain feelings and thoughts, bringing context to situations that Logan had struggled in doing before this point. Finally beginning to understand what it is that’s going on inside, what these feelings are and why they’re there, to have the words he needs to adequately describe it to someone else, it all must be so relieving.
There’s still uncertainty, sure, but it’s a lot less stressful now, knowing there’s a way to talk to the others, to actually communicate what he means. He may still be startled, caught unawares, but he doesn’t have to shove it down and away anymore. He knows how to pause and reflect, let himself experience it, and he knows how to control his own behavior in reaction to it.
It’s far from perfect, and there’s still a lot he’ll need to learn, but he does so enjoy learning, doesn’t he?
[lyrics:
This is my earth and it’s fine
It’s where I spend the vast majority of my time
It’s not perfect, but it’s mine
It’s not perfect…]
Another thing to note about this song is the ownership behind most of the lyrics. “This is my earth” and “it’s not perfect, but it’s mine.” That sense of belonging is something that Logan has always wanted, and to be able to not only express that, finally, but to feel that it is real, that he is no longer just an outside observer but a part of the world as a whole, must be incredible.
He’s finally found his place, and though it was here all along, he no longer feels trapped in a cage or left collecting dust on a shelf. He has his place, he knows he’s a part of something greater, and that he’ll be appreciated for who he is.
This song has a perfect matching bookend, by the way; it’s three songs from the end of the playlist whereas Algoryhthm was three from the start. Both of these songs involve one’s differing view of the world, recognizing not only how it works but their place within it. One deals with that negatively, the other more positively.
In Algorhythm, Logan still had wonder for the expanse of the world but found himself trapped by the parameters being set. It didn’t matter that he knew things didn’t have to run in this way, he had no power to change it. He was given no other choice but to give up and go with the flow. He could only change himself to match it, knowing he was an outsider who didn’t belong but had to make do with his circumstances.
In Not Perfect, however, he still has that differing view of the world, but instead of being the outlier, he’s now able to find comfort in knowing he has a place within this world. There are so many wonders everywhere, all around, in the biggest and smallest of things. Yes, he sees the world differently, but so do others, and that’s amazing! He may feel alone at times, he may feel infinitesimal among the great expanse of the universe, but he is never truly alone. He knows he belongs here. He has those who understand him, and he doesn’t have to change for anyone. The world can accept him for who he is, always.
It's as though whoever curated this playlist knew precisely what they were doing. They cared deeply enough to ensure this story, Logan’s story, was told exactly the way it was meant to be, to describe the highs and lows, to explain the truth behind every note, and to inspire with hope anyone else who may be struggling, as well. This story, this playlist, says to us calmly and clearly that everything is going to be okay. It’s not perfect, but it’ll be okay.
Tumblr media
In Human by Tank and the Bangas, we get to hear that acceptance, that love on full display.
Things have finally slowed down now, a song for a moment that comes at a more comfortable and soothing pace. Logan finally has the time to look around and see what he’s been missing while he’s been so busy with everything else.
This is another song that uses facts not only to describe and evoke emotions, but to inspire awe and wonder. Emotion-driven curiosity, channeling all the wonders of the world, of you, as your inspiration and guide to learn more and appreciate the here and now.
[lyrics:
Don’t you ever become complicit
With living life on a shelf]
Logan had gone so long pushing away parts of himself simply because they were flawed, not partaking in his interests because they didn’t fit the mold he so desperately wanted to fill. But now that he’s found his place, he can appreciate his chance to finally be more, to explore and share what he’s learned, knowing he’ll be heard.
Something we’ve seen from Logan since the very beginning is just how deep and wide his wonder goes. He loves the world, the universe, and everything found within it. He holds such fascination for the innumerable amount of living species in the world, for all the technology that’s been created and built, for every concept born of a mind. Logan loves the world so much, and he wishes so much for others to cherish what can be learned from it, as every moment, something new emerges. So many possibilities, so many chances to do more, see more, be more.
Logan was never meant to be someone who was pushed away, kept from the world that he loves so dearly. And now that he finally has the chance to be himself, to be accepted for who he is, we see that he immediately turns to what he loves most: wonder, and the opportunity to share it with others.
Knowledge can do so much for so many, but it’s best purpose is to be shared openly and freely, given to all who will take it. It’s not meant to be inaccessible, locked away, kept elite behind paywalls and tuition fees. It’s a part of what makes the world as amazing as it is, and Logan knows this and wants it to be shared.
[lyrics:
You have to continue to live
There are too many more interesting lessons]
Logan had made it his upmost priority in life to ensure Thomas’ survival, but this was something that eventually led to him burned out, begging for his own life to end instead. This journey, this long arc full of ups and downs, gave Logan the chance to see that his priorities were misaligned. He needed to take care of himself, he needed to give himself significance, because otherwise, he’d be constantly pouring from an empty cup.
He had to choose not only to live but to give himself the chance to do what humans do, to experience life, to enjoy it. Whatever time they have, they will make the most of it, because it can’t just be about survival.
Back in the song Algorhythm, Logan learned that humans do things very differently, that they don’t always act in ways that make sense, that sometimes they don’t prioritize survival despite its importance. In Fitter Happier, his interpretation of what it meant to be human was so disconnected from reality, misunderstanding what it was truly all for. But now, he has been given the chance to experience that broader spectrum; he’s no longer cut off from emotions and the ties they make to every moment in life.
There is so much more you can do with emotions as your guide, as the heartbeat to fuel your curiosity, your will to keep learning.
[lyrics:
And if you never knew
That that was enough to just be
You obviously don’t know
A thing]
This song has marked this moment out clearly for Logan, that he is finally an important and valued part of Thomas, that he belongs here and has a place here with the other sides, within the world, within the show. And it wasn’t perfection and changing himself to suit their needs that got him there. He was able to accept himself and give himself the freedom to explore and discover more, to find his own way to benefit Thomas, to be Logic, without strings, without repression, without solitude.
Being unabashedly himself was enough. He was enough for Thomas.
And then we get to the last song on the playlist, Time Adventure from Adventure Time.
A charming song to complete the set, to bring us back to how happy and smiling Logan had started out at the beginning of it all, though this time there’s a lot more depth to that smile. He knows more now; he’s learned and changed and improved in ways he never knew possible at the start of all this.
[lyrics:
Time is an illusion that helps things make sense
So we’re always living in the present tense
It seems unforgiving when a good thing ends
But you and I will always be back then
You and I will always be back then]
Existentialism with a positive twist, Logan can recognize the world for what it is, for how it works. But there is always that encouragement to remember where we all are, in the here and now.
Logan values the present the most, even if he’s someone we know who relies on the past for experience and the future for motivation. In comparison, Roman values the future and what it can hold, Patton values the past and what it can mean, and Virgil mixes between the past and the future to keep Thomas on a steady path. Logan is one of the only sides, other than perhaps Janus, who values the present moment above all else.
He wants Thomas to see what’s right in front of him instead of ignoring it for what he remembers of the past or what he hopes for the future. It’s okay to want those things, to appreciate them, but disregarding the present only results in missing out on the world around him, on what’s already available to him right now.
Logan sees Thomas’ potential and aspires for him to achieve it, but he can’t keep his mind on faraway goals without doing what he can in the present. Make a plan today that you can enact tomorrow. Brainstorm that story right now so you can write it later. Hug that friend today so you can remember it later when you miss them. There’s always a reason to act in the present, to live your life right here and now.
This ending song shows us that Logan has grown so much, and came to be happy at the end of the story. He’s come to understand himself, the others, Thomas, and the whole world so much better than ever before and is better for it. From this point on, things will surely be different, but now he has everything he needs to face anything that may come his way. He can rely on his knowledge, but also trust that he has his friends at his side, that he has their support. He knows Thomas values him and what he has to say, and that he can tell him when things are tough, when he needs him to listen.
He is heard. He is loved. And he loves in turn, all without having to do anything but be himself.
Something I absolutely adore about these last few songs on the playlist is that even though Logan is doing better now, after everything he’s gone through, he’s not showing this newfound satisfaction and happiness in the ways that you’d expect of most people. He’s doing it his own way, the way he likes doing it, and he’s thriving for it!
He prefers to work alone, having the time to think and contemplate strategies and plans without interruption. He likes reading in a quiet room, exploring fascinating new worlds and concepts all on his own. He likes sharing what he’s learned, and being relied upon for his knowledge, given the opportunity to explain ideas to others in the hopes that it will fascinate them and encourage them to learn more themselves.
He's not changing himself to do what others want of him. He’s not trying to fit some mold, to be okay by anyone else’s standards. He’s just…being Logan. And that’s everything I could ever want for him.
Tumblr media
This playlist has involved such an amazing journey for Logan; it’s a story told through something humans will always love to share – music!
It showed us every crucial moment of Logan's arc, from what we've already seen in the show to what we know is bound to come next. It's clear that Logan has so much more to learn, especially from the other sides, who will be able to understand him once they finally try to communicate effectively and work together for Thomas and for themselves. The situation will improve, they will be happy, someday.
Someday, we’ll get to see the real conclusion to this character’s story, and until then, we can hold out hope for a good ending.
130 notes · View notes
judasgot-it · 9 months
Text
Confession; Part 2 (Kunikida or Dazai)
Part two of my recent request, I'm gonna try and make it make sense. Also, I know y'all want a part 2 for Dazai, but I like Kunikida, and I feel horrible for doing him so dirty </3 (i feel like it might lowkey be ass tho idk how to characterize kunikida in a romantic sense he's so hard?) SO I made two different endings for them <3
Tagging @babyg1rldazai since they requested this love u so much I hope I delivered IDK
Anyway, I hope this quells y'alls hunger
Kunikida
Tumblr media
"I'm sorry Kunikida."
Currently, the two of you were in... you wanted to say 'a bit of a pickle' but that didn't really help with what you were feeling. More like 'fucked in the ass' was a better to phrase it.
Wet, cold, and you personally were rather disappointed. A rather fucked situation. Especially for a first date.
"This is just fine."
The man next to you was staring at the downpour calmly. It had forced the two of you into a small part of a shopping center, hiding underneath a large umbrella. It wasn't doing either of you good though - your clothes were drenched, and you could see Kunikida's hair dripping with the cold rain.
"We probably lost our reservation by now. Sorry, this is my fault. If I got ready on time then this wouldn't be such a mess."
You had to apologize, make it up somehow. Seriously, this situation wasn't what either of you wanted. You could see that his outfit was ruined - he definitely ironed it just for this occasion, and it was his nice "going out suit" that he saved for these types of things too.
It was awful that it was ruined because of you.
"You can't predict this kind of weather. There wasn't anything on the radar about it. Besides, you can just come over and I'll make you something there."
Kunikida had taken off his outer layer, trying to wring out his sleeves. His hands were diligent with the work, starting out big and then carefully wringing out smaller and smaller sections of the cloth. You could see the wrinkles that were forming, even if it was a rather thick fabric.
"This just. Doesn't feel perfect, especially for a first date. I was hoping it would be...more picturesque."
You were playing with your wet shirt collar, musing around with the button. This date already seemed to be full of flaws.
"I was hoping for it to be perfect, you know? That's something you always talk about."
Voicing that outloud seemed to make the rain silent. It was pouring down heavily on the umbrella that the two of you hid underneath, but it was drowned out by the silence you were both now sunk under.
Kunikida looked up from his jacket, staring out into the rain. Maybe it was the wrong thing to say?
He took a breath in. A long one, where you could tell he was counting the seconds. 3 in, hold, and 3 out.
You tried to follow along, but it didn't really help with the anxiety you were feeling at the moment. Those seconds were feeling like near hours as you watched him breathe them in, hold, and out.
"I don't expect things to be perfect. Truth is I don't want them to be. I have an ideal, but that's all it is; an ideal."
Finally, he turned to you. His blond bangs were wet, sticking to his forehead. His glasses were dropping down his nose, foggy and so wet you doubt he could see out of them if he tried. If he wasn't saying something you wanted to hear, he would probably look like a madman of sorts.
"There is no 'perfect romance', and there is no 'falling in love' because in the end - in the end, it's all made up. You can only choose someone."
"So did you want to choose me?"
He nodded, smiling. You reached out, taking his glasses and hopelessly trying to clean the lenses with whatever dry part of your shirt you could find.
"I was hoping maybe we both chose each other. In my ideal, that's how love works."
You looked up at him. He was shifting about nervously, smiling wide. His eyes were focused downward, focusing on your fingers as they tried to clean his lenses. It reminded you of a little boy for a moment, either impatient or nervous - a small line between the two.
Silently, you handed them back, although you could still see smudges from your fingerprints.
Kunikida didn't seem to mind at all, as he wiped away at his face and placed them back onto his nose, his lenses fogging back up again anyway. His smile didn't fade any less, even as he looked back up at you from his clouded lenses.
You smiled back, crooked and imperfect.
"So um."
He shook his head, droplets across the two of you. He visibly cringed, although you couldn't help but let out a large smile at the action.
It was only because of him, you were sure of it. No other man could make acting like a dog so endearing.
"Do you want to come over? I promise it's only just dinner, since we did lose our reservations and all. I'm a good cook and I have a clean kitchen, and I promise to bring you home when you want to, you said around 10 right?"
He was rambling, his hands playing with the coat now wrapped around his arm. You reached out, forced to stop him. Kunikida could go on for far longer if you didn't - he was nervous, and he would probably recite the entire Wikipedia to you if you didn't stop his nerves.
"Yes. I'd love that. I'd love for you to make dinner for us. Maybe we can also watch a movie together, since we have tomorrow off."
You grabbed the coat on his arm, shaking it out. Some of the pockets sagged heavier than the others as you shook it, making you more careful with the article of clothing as it sat heavily in your hands.
"Hey! Hey, what are you doing?"
He reached out nervously, not sure what to do. His hand was stuck in the air, stuck between grabbing you and taking his coat back.
"We don't have an umbrella, and we need something at least a little romantic to happen tonight on our first date."
Your plan was near flawless in your mind. The rain was already making the most perfect score play in your head, and you were already so close and shivering, like sad kittens in a cardboard box. It was the perfect moment to pretend to be in a movie.
Kunikida grabbed one of your hands, his other hand searching through the coats inner pockets.
"Just- just wait a second."
He stepped closer towards you. Faintly, you could smell his perfume. Woody and earthy, but clean like cotton.
"I left this in there."
When he pulled his hand away, you saw he pulled away his notebook.
"Hopefully it's not wet. Your jacket is almost completely soaked."
Kunikida sighed. He flipped the notebook in his hands, the pages only slightly wet.
"I'll live. This notebook can survive worse."
"What about your ideals? Wouldn't you be mad if they're gone?"
"Well-"
Kunikida tucked the notebook into the waistband of his pants, the green awkwardly sticking out against the black ensemble of his outfit. It was a practical placement at the moment, although most certainly not comfortable or fashionable.
"I can just write them again. The most important thing is that I know them, even if I lose my hands."
You smiled, lifting the coat over the both of you. You stretched your arms over his back, trying to place the coat over his head. He grabbed one end, pulling it above the two of you. It wouldn't do too much to stop the downpour, but it was better than nothing.
"That's kind of dark coming from you."
"Is it?"
Kunikida moved his body closer to yours, resting his arm around your shoulders. It was an awkward movement, although as you leaned in against his clammy body, you felt comfortable. Your shivering was quelled, if only slightly.
"Yes. But I like that. I like all of you."
You were glad your position made it hard for him to see your face. Even if you were cold, your face was hot at admitting that part out loud.
"We should go before the rain picks up again. Don't worry, I promise the walk won't be long."
The thick coat above your heads only blocked out little of the rain, but you felt warmer than you should as you were drenched once again in the downpour.
Dazai
Tumblr media
Your date with Kunikida wasn't what you were expecting at all.
It was technically perfect, in all aspects. You had worn the perfect outfit, as did he. The restaurant was amazing, and the food was splendid. The service was perfect.
The candlelight dinner was romantic in movies and on TV. But by the end, the two of you seemed to come to the same conclusion - there wasn't any sort of romance between the two of you.
He was technically the perfect guy. You were technically his perfect person too, but there was something missing. Kunikida had recommended an adrenaline-filled activity to spark romance he had seen in an article, but it didn't seem worth it.
You two were work colleagues. All you could talk about was work. Nothing else but that.
Better to not make it awkward, just keep it a funny story to save for later.
Which left you at a park, with nothing. No big romance, no life-changing event. Just loneliness.
How isolating.
The sunset was the only one keeping you company in the moment. Although it was more like dusk at the moment, and you could see more and more people going home. You should probably do that as well.
Although you would really just rather mope. If only for a little bit. Stew and brood in your thoughts for a while.
"I take it the date didn't go so well, huh?"
You lazily turned to look next to you, seeing the usual demon creature that crawled around your workplace.
"We're just work colleagues I guess. No hard feelings, but it's just a little disappointing."
You shrugged your shoulders slightly, bowing your head.
Dazai's voice should have said something annoying in response like he usually would; what you instead found, was his hand comforting you, squeezing your own.
He was completely silent, and instead of his usual cold stares, he felt rather warm. Welcoming. Very different from his usual character.
"Can I be honest with you, Dazai?"
The sun was nowhere to be seen at this point. The sky was a baby blue and the clouds were all a beautiful pink; it was captivating, even if it only lasted for a moment.
"I wouldn't be here now if I wasn't going to listen to you. Otherwise, I'd probably be at the bar right now."
"That sounds like a good idea, better to be drunk than to think."
"Do you want to do that? I have some liquor on me right now."
He let go of your hand, reaching into the inside of his jacket. He pulled out a small, cheap bottle of alcohol - some whiskey he probably bought from a corner store. You were 100% sure it tasted like shit, but you weren't going to reject the offer.
You took the bottle from his hand, your fingers making contact with his. It wasn't worth thinking about, but the touch lingered for a little too long in your mind.
Scrunching your face at the smell, you leaned back as you took a shot, swallowing as quick as you could. It was barely anything, but the burn to your throat was already making your body cry a little.
Quickly, you shoved the bottle towards him, careful not to drop it. Your hand was on his chest but you were trying to forget the burn in your throat - it was as if you were on fire all over now. Dazai laughed at your struggles, taking the bottle from your hands and easily taking down what was probably more than 2 shots, his face telling little of his reaction.
He must have done this a thousand times already.
"That tastes like shit."
"It's alcohol."
"Ok. It's still shit."
The demon of a man just laughed. He was rather close to you, as you could see how little the laugh actually reverberated in his body. It seemed stuck in his Adam's apple, like he was choking but didn't care.
"You were going to say something before this, but I interrupted. Do you still want to share?"
Leaning back and closing your eyes, you took as deep of a breath as you could. You felt it tickle your throat, so you forced your body to relax a little in your seat.
"I'm not sure it's really important. Honestly, I'm probably just feeling emotional or what have you."
"Did Kunikida really do that to you? Didn't think he had that big of a pull game."
You sat up, staring wide-eyed at him. He loved that you were at least offended at the notion. It meant something to him, enough to make him smile a little toothy grin.
"No! It's not like that at all, get your mind out of the gutter. Seriously, we really are just coworkers."
Dazai didn't say anything to that, he simply leaned against the bench, resting his arm around the back and taking another swing of his drink. He was waiting, oh so patiently, for you to start to crack.
"It's kind of stupid..."
Hesitating, you relaxed your legs, spreading them out in front of you. You avoided scuffing your nice shoes but you could still see some dirt on them from having spent the night out. It was unavoidable sometimes, being dirty.
A small silence hung over the both of you. For you, it felt like a small forever, although for him it was probably nothing. He was downright unreadable, relaxed but with eyes like a predator. Happy that he was here, in the moment.
"I don't know if I'm capable of falling in love. Or maybe I'm just a terrible person to love. Anytime I try, it feels like it falls apart because I did something wrong that I don't even know about."
There were crickets somewhere, that were beginning to sing their night song. It was soothing for the moment, as it was one of the few sounds as night was falling upon the two of you.
The whiskey was slid back to you, hitting your thigh. Dazai stood up, hands in his pockets. He never slid his eyes away from you, staring you down as if you were an unsolvable Rubix cube.
Quietly, you took another drink, cringing at the taste. You kept your own eyes on him, rather observing his face than keeping up with his inane staring contest. You watched his hair blow in the slight breeze, his lips twitch slightly, and the countless imperfections in his skin.
He was a lot more interesting to look at than you'd thought.
"Personally Y/n, I don't think you're a bad person. Not to fall in love, anyway. I've met far worse, and I can say for certain that you don't even top the list."
He had a small smile, one that truly reached his eyes. It was one of his rare ones, the kind that you saw when he was passing by bookstores and talking about certain people in his life that he never wanted to name. It felt special that he gifted one of those to you, in an intimate moment like this.
"Are you inferring that you're near the top of that list?"
You finally stood up, giving a moment for your body to adjust to standing. The bench was your friend for a little too long, leaving your legs to feel like pins and needles.
"I would say so. Do you want to test that? I know a good bar around here, although I probably wouldn't recommend drinking so much since you just ate."
"How'd you know that I had dinner?"
Dazai gave a cat-like grin as took the whiskey bottle from your hand, putting it back into his coat. It was almost empty, but no point in questioning him.
"Kunikida would try to do something perfect for you. You would expect that, and he has it written in his book."
Reaching for your hand, he pulled you along, taking you to wherever he had decided. Foolishly you let him do as he pleased. An excited and lazy smile pulled along your face.
"I'll bet that you're perfectly fine to fall in love with Dazai. If you think I am, at least."
You followed his footsteps perfectly, your shadows intertwined with one another from the dim streetlights.
Tumblr media
sorry that this took so long LOL. also im gonna write another part to this cause someone requested it but like ALT, idk when that will be posted tho cause I have summer classes cause im a dummy dum :(
102 notes · View notes
bayleafpsa · 2 months
Note
What are your honest thoughts on Witch Hat Atelier?
I'm both pleasantly surprised and apprehensive. Forgive me if I ramble on, I'll try to explain.
The first thing that attracted me to the manga was the lovely art. It is really on another level compared even to good manga artists. But when I dug up the premise, I was worried. "Oh god is this gonna be some weird thing where the teacher and the girl have a wink wink nudge nudge totally not serious ship tease I will shoot someone if it does". Quickly I realized that it dodged that bullet and I thought "ok, it's going to be a fun little adventure with your basic manga flaws, that's fine!".
The beginning of the manga has tropey moments and characters (feat. Agott/Agatha as the unhinged rival that suffers no consequences because the adult in the house is a moron outside of important plot beats), and I dont find the world building as strong as most of the fandom seems to (the lie about magic is extremely flimsy and contrived). But then it surprised me again, because the manga grew beyond the predictable setups and managed to say interesting things about the world, about children and the way adults treat them, about disability and accessibility, about teaching and trust. That's what really hooked me up.
Furthermore, as time went on the mangaka stretched her diversity muscles to provide a vibrant set of characters and designs. There's a notable absence of dehumanizing fanservice and gross shit (WE HAVE SIBLINGS THAT ARE LOVING AND NORMAL!). I don't hesitate to say Witch Hat Atelier is a notch above the rest in many ways.
So what makes me concerned? Well... the direction of the main plot. Because while Witch Hat Atelier managed to make insightful criticism of the institutions it depicts, I'm still not sure it's committed enough to follow those criticisms through. I'm not saying that little Coco and her friends should be expected to behead the Knights Moralis and instate unlimited access to all magic, that's stupid and against the genre. But I do feel like we are heading for a "soft" solution that will leave the people who exerted power and violence largely untouched, because they will see the better, middle way Coco will present, as if these full grown adults couldn't have thought of it themselves if they wanted to. There is a critical word here: accountability. You don't need to make the narrative revolve about punishment and revenge or say that people can't change for there to be accountability, but many writers and readers don't seem to get that. So I worry.
Ah, and I'm also worried about how the Brim Hats will continue to be shown. So far, the adult members have done truly vile things (that I will excuse because THE DESIGNS). Custas is rightfully angry but operating under little knowledge and I dont trust this "Lord Restis" fellow one bit, so the kids arent in a good situation. Combined with what I said earlier it creates an unfair dichotomy that ends up excusing the sages and knights. "Oh, sure, we destroyed people's memories, attacked children, are massively incompetent and unjust, but if we dont do that more incidents like Eunie will happen!!!". If you are gonna write a whole chapter about how Lulucy is Yielding Girl Power Against Misogyny by being a cop, you BETTER give me an equivalent on the Brim Hat side.
Anyway. Here's hoping for the best.
24 notes · View notes
thyandrawrites · 1 year
Note
Being fully honest Dabi coming to Endv after being ignored yet again doesn't change the fact that he has been ignored yet again. Even now endv has his eyes on afo and I can't see it changing
Nah, I get that. I feel the same. To be honest I see this as another set up for failure. So far the heroes have consistently been making the wrong choices and letting things escalate instead of trying better ways of facing their opponents.
I didn't wanna say it in case I jinxed it with my prediction, but if we are to take Hawks and Mic's reactions as the standard for how the old gen will continue to act moving forward, then I'm expecting Enji to be much the same. He's gonna fight Touya like a villain who's too far gone. Possibly he'll even echo his colleagues and try to protect Touya's idealized memory by killing the man his son has become.
I might be wrong about this of course... But looking back at Enji's internal narration during the Central Hospital chapters and his thoughts as he fought AFO... He's still nowhere near recognizing that Dabi and Touya are the same person.
Remember this line?
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Well, here's some translation trivia. In japanese he's only calling him a mass murderer (大量殺人者). The only reason why we know that he's even talking about Touya and not any other PLF villain is because the furigana (the little reading on the right of the aforementioned kanji string above) tells us he's referring to his son (むすこ). Stuff like this is hard to translate because English doesn't have an organic way to do the same kind of word play, so the only way to get across both definitions is to include them both in the line itself, like the character is uttering them at once. The famous "a dance with your son, here in hell" was another example of Hori using furigana that doesn't match with the kanji they're paired with, to get across a double meaning. But for the sake of understanding Enji's mentality, I'd like to stress that he sees Dabi first and foremost as a "mass murderer". Only incidentally, like an afterthought, as his son. You'll also notice how in that same scene he's thinking about "fighting him". Not reuniting, not seeing how he's doing. Fighting. Like he would any other villain, because to him this is still a matter to be tackled as a hero and not a father.
Point is, Enji still doesn't fully recognize Touya in Dabi.
Tumblr media
This is how he pictures him in his mind's eye. This is not by far a flattering image. For all that Enji says that he recognizes the wrongs he did to Touya, the image he conjures when he thinks of him is not that of a man falling apart from the weight of unaddressed trauma and desperation. He sees a monster, grinning maniacally, reveling in Enji's anguish with sadistic glee. This is not the son he abused, over and over, until he had an emotional breakdown and lost himself. This is Enji picturing an enemy, someone not to feel any sympathy for. Someone whose most prominent feature is his creepy grinning mouth, open wide as if ready to devour everything Enji's been working for all these years.
Even in his thoughts, he keeps referring to Dabi as an abstract evil rather than a person:
Tumblr media
He's the physical manifestation of Enji's "mistakes", not his son. Not the boy he said he missed so dearly he hoped he could get a second chance with.
Touya is Othered as an abstract being, the sum of every flaw Enji possesses but never wanted to acknowledge.
Now compare that to how he saw Touya as an idealized martyr:
Tumblr media
Here Touya is remembered as a good kid, not through the distorted lenses above, because up until this moment he's still a "good victim". Someone who died before he could become an obstacle, and as such still someone who Enji treats with humanity. He brings offer to his altar and manifests "regret" over his premature death, because this Touya is easy to mourn. After all, with Touya gone, who's gonna complain about Enji using his memory as a justification for the continued abuse of Shouto and the rest of the family?
Tumblr media
Certainly not Touya. The dead are the perfect people to idealize because they can no longer fight for their rights as a living person would. And Enji clearly knows this. He obviously ignores how training Shouto and punching him so hard he pukes goes directly against everything Touya ever wanted because Touya's wishes are simply no longer part of the equation. Touya is no longer a person but just a a cause that Enji needs to honor (arbitrarily, and with even more abuse than before).
But when Touya comes back, and suddenly he's a person with agency once again and not just an idealized memory anymore...
Suddenly, he becomes "a mass murderer".
So... No, I'm not really expecting Enji to turn around and act like a good dad just because Dabi showed up. As you said, Dabi chasing him down doesn't make Enji any less neglectful or any less at fault, and if Horikoshi knows what he's doing, he's probably about to make him do something extremely uncalled for and totally catered to himself, as Enji's actions so far have only been shielding his own ego from any genuine remorse
156 notes · View notes
fuckingloginwall · 1 year
Text
✎ I Love My Selves
✴ Post-Standard Imposter AU ft. Your Self-Insert (or at least one of them)
—☵☵☰☰☰☵☵—
One second Teyvat was drooling for your death, the next you were the most beloved deity in the world.
Pretty hard to believe the latter given your first impression of this nightmare, one you'll never wake up from.
Said nightmare was constantly proclaiming it's love for you, right after trying to kill you . . . Yeah you've seen enough horror to know where this is going.
But all humans need to be loved.
You'll never turn to Teyvat for that, and nobody from Earth can fill in that role, nor will your trauma let you reassure yourself, so what do you do?
Practice self-love, but with extra steps.
—☵☵☰☰☰☵☵—
⌡ 🔏 Reader from Faraway, be on guard, Cults, Religious Themes, and Mentioned Execution, are features of these pages. ⌠
⌡ 🔏 Do come and tell me if there are any other details I have failed to alert thee of . . . ⌠
—☵☵☰☰☰☵☵—
The Crowning Of The True Creator, a seven-day-long festivity all of Teyvat was celebrating alongside the execution of the Imposter.
It was supposed to be a joyous occasion, one of prayer and salvation for Teyvat after daring to obey the Fake. One where you and your creations would forgive and forget, pushing aside the past and making way for a glorious future.
Or it was supposed to be.
Predictably, gods—or at least those human enough—never forgive and never forget something as wretched as witch hunts and attempted lynching.
You know this better than anyone else.
And as if that wasn't enough you were declared The Creator, the creator of a universe coded and drawn by the hands of a corporation you had no part in.
And all of this because of some funky gold blood in your veins? Bah! It was all bullshit!
You were no imposter and you were no creator, but because of your flesh and blood, nooobody believe you.
So all you could do was smile and nod. Smile and nod to the every word of these cultists, your captors.
It was during one song speaking of your alleged Infinity Powerful Abilities™️ that you couldn't help but wonder . . .
. . . that yeah, you have no powers, but what if you did? What's the harm in trying out?
During a heavenly break from the masses, in the privacy of your gilded cage, you poured all your focus into trying to create a special somebody. Somebody you did create.
And create you did.
There they were in front of you, your self-insert, made from your personality and your desires. Somebody you lived through.
And the best part is that they understood you, were bearable (maybe even better!), and you freaking enjoyed their presence, flaws be damned (or even welcomed)! even those you hated in yourself and everyone else
For the rest of the week you two were glued to the hip, conversing with one another and doing as you wished. Never mind the cultists you had to please and expectations to meet! You had a friend to be besties with!
For your Self-Insert it was a realization—to say the least—that they didn't exist before you brought them here. Their memories and stories, their world, those they knew, everything was just fiction you dreamt up. Once upon a time they weren't real!
But they were real now, and your the reason why.
And you were somebody who lovingly made them, lived the unreal reality alongisde them. Someone who handpicked each part of their every being and loved the gestalt for what it was.
Not the forgone past. Not the potential future. The current now.
You poured your soul into them, brought to them to life—
"—and the universe said 'I love you because you are love.'" Recited your creation to whoever it was they humored.
'And so too was the universe loved' they'd think to themselves, but Teyvat purged that certainty from you. Nevermind the past. Just as you had, they would lend the same love given to them. Love you held for them, and thus yourself. After all . . .
Those stupid Allogenes may have been your characters to play with once upon a time, but they were your real Vessel, one whose very being was a part of you, and nothing could change that . . .
Your self-proclaimed Acolytes would watch with envy. Was it shameful to hold such a grudge towards something tailormade, so trusted, so perfect for such a purpose?!?! Yes. Yes it was.
But how are the creations of a forgotten body ever to compare to an art piece, that of the current self?
—☵☵☰☰☰☵☵—
Comment below any "[they] would not fucking say [or do] that" moments you experienced while reading this one lol
A break away from my own Imposter AU.
Reader assumes that since they didn't actually participate in making Genshin Impact, only seemed to have Gold blood to make them stand out, and zero memories of any past life, that they weren't really special, just unlucky enough to be the product of the cult's obsessions but that wasn't the case lol.
So yeah, since you're stuck here, might as well make the most of it and see if you truly have powers to make and break
You have the power indeed! You use it to make your Self-Insert real and break the hearts of Teyvat once again!
Why have a cult that tried to kill you when you can have your Self-Insert with you instead?
You're SI's thoughts on you? obvs they have some love for you, but what kind of love that is, is up to you.
Also you consider your SI your only creation lmao
Anyways worldbuilding
The Crowning is an event every nation spends seven days celebrating, and The Creator attends the main event in a different nation each day. So for example, Day 1: Mondstadt, Day 2: Liyue, etc., etc..
Lots of fighting on what order the Creator's visits would go in. It's whatever you imagine.
For the most part Teyvat pray, sacrifices and gives offers to the Creator. Partakes in purification rituals to be cleansed of sin (cuz of the Imposter Hunt and Imposter being deemed the Creator) and spends the rest of the day celebrating the Creator's descent.
But the day the Creator is in the nation? It's all jubilation and sky-high celebration. That's when the celebration of the Nation peaks and everyone is trying to at least get a glance of the Creator. The next day they presume as scheduled afterwards.
Once reader's Self-Insert comes into being and is brought into public eye, word spreads fast, especially to the next nations the duo is to visit.
Opinions are split.
Because during the event, the Creator has personally created a being, somebody who takes up all their attention, giving less attention than before to their worshippers, favoring them just like that.
The nations before this are glad to have more acknowledgement from the Creator than the nations yet to be visited due to the SI's abscence.
Others are estatic that the Creator's newest creation is going to bless the nation with their pressence, and revere the Creation almost as much as The Creator. Others are salty that the Creator made their Creation after leaving their nation.
Some don't complain about the Creator's Creation. For one, Teyvat irreversibly hurt the Creator, and it makes sense for them to turn to another Creation they could actually trust. The favoritism was inevitable.
Or maybe they think something else.
124 notes · View notes
eliemo · 2 years
Text
Running Through the Airport Kind of Love
Little Superbat fic I wrote tonight because they're soft and Bruce deserves to be a secret sap
“That’s stupid.” 
Clark resisted the urge to roll his eyes, settling instead for sending his boyfriend a wry, exasperated look. Bruce didn’t even glance at him, eyes glued to the movie he’d spent the last hour and a half ruthlessly critiquing. 
And sure, it was an old cheesy romcom, not exactly something that required a whole lot of concentration and certainly not something he and Bruce would usually turn on, but after the week he’d had Clark just wanted something mindless to fill the silence while he let himself unwind. 
Bruce had been busy with a case, and Clark had expected him to be too caught up in his own head to even notice there was something playing. 
Evidently not. He’d spent nearly the entire time pointing out every little flaw, every plot hole, every contradiction of this poor movie that had probably come out before he was even a teenager. 
It was, Clark reluctantly admitted to himself, a little endearing and worlds more entertaining than the movie itself. 
“It’s not stupid,” Clark argued, only half paying attention to the predictably sappy scene on the screen. “It’s romantic.” 
“Running through the airport for someone is not romantic,” Bruce said. “It’s obsessive and creepy.” 
“I don’t think you and your contingency plans are in any place to talk about obsessive and creepy.” 
Bruce scowled, but his focus stayed firmly fixated on the movie. “It’s a ridiculous trope.” 
“It’s a grand romantic gesture.” 
“It’s unrealistic,” Bruce insisted. “The airport. You can’t get past security without a boarding pass. You’d have to buy a ticket just to get to any of the terminals.” 
Clark glanced at him. “Have you ever even flown commercially?” 
“A few times,” Bruce admitted, his voice clipped, not bothering to hide his displeasure at the fact. “I prefer to fly myself. I don’t like airports.” 
“I know, B.” 
“The Batwing is faster than any commercial airline.” 
“Uh huh.” 
“I wouldn’t run through the airport,” Bruce continued, like his distaste of this romantic trope was a hill he needed to die on. “I wouldn’t go to an airport at all. It’s a stupid idea. I wouldn’t even be able to find their flight.” 
This time Clark gave into the urge and rolled his eyes, turning back to the movie. “You could ask.” 
“That ruins the point of showing up unannounced,” Bruce said. “I’d have to get through the gates, I’d have to know what time their flight was, what terminal- it’s insane.” 
“It’s just a movie, Bruce,” Clark said, doing his best to hide the amused smile he couldn’t quite suppress. “Believe it or not, some people actually like this kind of stuff.” 
“It’s ridiculous,” Bruce muttered again, crossing his arms. “I’d do it for you, obviously. But still.” 
“You—” It took Clark a moment to register the words, the meaning, but when he did he felt that familiar pleasant tug at his heart, doing nothing to stop the grin spreading across his face, that light giddy feeling Bruce managed to pull from him at the most unexpected times spreading across his chest. All he could manage was a soft, “Oh,” 
Bruce finally turned to him, eyebrow raised, scanning his face almost skeptically. “What?”
“No, it’s just…” he trailed off, smile softening as he reached forward to take Bruce’s hand in his own, squeezing gently. “That’s very sweet, B.” 
Bruce just grunted, eyes dropping to his lap, but there was color dancing along his cheeks now. “I’d end the world for you. I can handle getting past airport security.” 
Clark just laughed, soft and easy, letting their hands rest where they were, warm and intertwined. “You’re adorable.”
“Hn.” He turned his attention back to the movie, the next few moments passing in comfortable silence before he spoke again. “I still think it’s stupid when they do it in the movies.” 
“It is a little.” 
“They might let me through security without a boarding pass,” Bruce mused, ignoring Clark’s chuckling. “Especially the Gotham Airport.” 
Clark gave up on watching the rest of the movie, turning his full attention to his boyfriend. “They might.” 
“Well,” Bruce said, leaning back against the couch cushions. “We’ll just have to see if you ever decide to run away and catch an impromptu flight across the country.” 
“I can fly, Bruce,” Clark reminded him, raising their joined hands to place a chaste kiss to Bruce’s knuckles. He smiled, catching blue eyes before softly adding, “And I’m not going anywhere without you.”
210 notes · View notes
ramjam · 15 days
Note
what are your opinions on lance/guin and tristan/isolde?
The most interesting thing that Nakaba could do with them is sink them, imo! And that's also what I think is going to happen for a few reasons. Predictably lengthy response below.
One of the big themes in the sequel so far seems to be about defying fate. As a viewer, these two pairings are cemented in pop culture history. They're viewed as inevitable to us. This is kind of directly acknowledged through the power he gave to Guinevere. With how strong the idea of fate is reinforced both to the characters and to the audience, it gives off a stronger vibe that the end result will be how it's not inevitable. Otherwise, what's the point of all of this set-up if we're being told 100% how it's going to end?
Bartra had a similar ability to Guinevere and his was infallible. However, his visions were vague, and them being so heavily up to interpretation created misunderstandings and conflict. Guinevere believes hers to be 100% accurate.
Guinevere seems to lack of a self-identity outside of the future she can predict. She's trapped in this prison of isolation and knowing so much about herself that she simultaneously doesn't seem to know anything at all. Her magic is powerful, but would be really boring if it's infallible. She made sure to mention that there would be grave consequences if fate is defied. So... I mean, that's just what's going to happen, surely? That also implies it is possible. But she's doing what she can to make sure fate isn't broken by getting involved herself. So, it doesn't exactly seem very fool-proof if she has to meddle...
Isolde is nerfed by her own magic because she's convinced herself the source of it and her entire reason to exist is for Tristan. He's been kind to her, so she's heavily devoted to her own detriment. Isolde and Tristan's dynamic/friendship actually reminds me a lot of Diane and Meliodas from the very early parts of arc one in the original manga (a one-sided pairing that was destined to fail). Nakaba even draws direct attention to it with the whole, "he's the only guy who treats me like a normal person even though I'm so tall and stand out" thing.
The girl's issues with self-identity is something that I'm hesitantly saying is intentional and not an unintended writing flaw. I've seen people say they're flat due to these traits, but I see some hidden depth here, personally. I think Nakaba is cooking something.
This is probably an unpopular opinion but as someone who has been reading for almost 8 years, I actually think NnT is one of the romance-focused shounen manga where the women aren't watered down just to the man that they love. So the fact it "appears" that way just leads me to believe that it's the point, and the end result will be veering away from that.
It's very much like Nakaba to play with the expectations of Arthurian mythos by mixing things around in this way. Since these characters are so established culturally, he tends to do unexpected things with them to suit his intended themes and so the story doesn't get predictable. Taking two of the more culturally iconic pairs and subverting expectations by not having them be compatible romantically would be interesting. As of right now, that's how it's been coming across to me?
One of the ways Nakaba has already done this is by making Arthur's interest in Guinevere entirely non-romantic in motivation. That alone is a huge flip on what we're led to expect. So the typical "Lancelot and Arthur NTR/love triangle conflict" thing just isn't being built at all.
Lancelot isn't interested in Guinevere at all for a few reasons, and Tristan is so oblivious of Isolde's feelings and views her solely as a friend. We haven't had a hint of much else.
6 notes · View notes
gloomforrestrunes · 6 months
Note
man I could write a whole essay about how runes reminds me of the saying "blood is thicker than water" because at first you hear that and think this is about blood relations and how that's the most important, however in reality the "water" in the saying is the water of the womb, meaning family bonds. the full saying is "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" meaning that chosen bonds are more significant then birth ones. the whole journey of the misconception is really what reminds me of runes. how the characters think to put so much power on who is related to who, and what that relation can give to you. the characters in runes who have bled with each other cried with each other will always be more important then you biologically gave birth to you. because those who you've bled with are really who birthed you not just your body.
YES YESSS YOU GET IT YOU UNDERSTAND ME
such a big thing in runes is how important those chosen bonds are, especially when relations that are inherently tied to you at birth are abusive and cruel. the concept that blood relation is more important than chosen bonds is a belief so ingrained in light realm society specifically. the ancestors just cannot stand the fact that laxo is worth a million times more to kane than the generations that came before him and the royal bloodline he's supposed to continue. which makes it extremely hard for him to willingly reach out and pick the roses, because what if they're right? what if the thorns do prick him, and he was foolish all along for listening to his heart rather than the all-powerful voice of the gods?
in the other cast's cases, while blood relation may not be as important as it is to kane's arc there's still an element of the character's being able to choose their own bonds and be independent being looked down upon
kenta isn't supposed to know anything other than her training, anything other than the war ahead of her, and how dare she think about her days away from the dark realm wistfully and with yearning
maya's conflict is largely internal but i think this still applies. she doesn't trust herself to forge new bonds due to things that happened in her past. she sees herself as inherently unlovable and irredeemable and forces herself to choose isolation, no matter how miserable it makes her and how much she desperately yearns connection
and of course there's laxo. how can he expect to act normally with someone else when all he's known for so long is nex? he's so used to being in such a hostile environment that anything other than that is scarier. it hurts, but its predictable. its routine. how can he trust himself to choose anything different? how can he trust anyone else to not be the same as nex?
and yet... despite everything, they all find each other. in one way or another, they find each other and laugh and cry and love so fully and so completely. of course it isnt easy, they're all complicated people with flaws and issues that cannot go unresolved. but that hope is there, and they can see it in every smile, longing glance, shoulder touch, and stargaze. and the most important part is that, ultimately, they allowed themselves to choose.
9 notes · View notes
thedivineart · 1 year
Text
Tumblr media
PICK A CARD: 10 THINGS ABOUT YOUR FEBRUARY.
Tumblr media
꒰⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⌷ .⠀⠀d i s c l a i m e r⠀⠀✿𝆬
[ 𝒜𝓇𝓉 ✧ ] any events and other things in your life are cannot be accurately predict by me and the tarot cards, do take a note that we are 'still' the creator of our 'future'- what you 'do' now will be the outcome of your future life and this could be either a good or bad, if your doing good and you are good to others expect the bright future ahead but in reverse you might expect the worst.
[ ℰ𝓂𝒾𝓈 ✧ ] to pick a pile, firstly take a good deep breath, second focus on every pile in the photo provided below { pile one, pile two, pile three }, and lastly scroll more down to reveal your reading. if you cannot still pick up any of the pile, do remember the sequence of what is written in the first sentence.
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
[ 𝒜𝓇𝓉ℯ𝓂𝒾𝓈 ✧ ] grammatical errors ahead, if you're a perfectionist then leave this pac. I do write with so many flaws and I know it's not perfect since my first language isn't english.
-` 𝑇𝐻𝐸𝐷𝐼𝑉𝐼𝑁𝐸𝐴𝑅𝑇 ´- ✰︵ — m a s t e r l i s t ´-
: ・. ゚ ✧. : ・. ☽˚。 ・゚ ✧: ・. :.
𝗢𝗥𝗜𝗚𝗜𝗡𝗔𝗟 𝗣𝗢𝗦𝗧 𝗜𝗡 𝗜𝗡𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗚𝗥𝗔𝗠 @𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗱𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁𝘁𝘁
Tumblr media
PILE ONE
• shock from something either a situation or a news
• honor or recognition from your labor ( work and study )
• death of someone or a major change; new beginning. for some, this could be an important decision that will brings change or worries and anxiety might be present too
• a news related to finances, either financial help or a loan.
• you will cut something or someone to your life, anger, loss and loneliness. seperation accompanied by pain.
• success from bussiness and love or moving away from local area or home environment to city life.
• changes in business or social situation and happy times
• letting go and releasing what is no longer serves you, moving and parting way. for some, loss by theft and will recover after difficulty.
• desires will be fulfilled; a wealth or inheritance from something or someone and a voyage specially using ships.
• a successful speculations.
Tumblr media
PILE TWO
• loss and unhappy surprise or unexpected trouble
• change of residence for the better and could be later or sooner, a opportunity to redo something
• be careful when it comes for your health. A trip that usually over the water.
• success in business and love or signs about a successful speculations
• receiving or giving small sum of money. for some financial growth.
• desired opportunities or fulfilling your dreams. moon symbol is fortunate in your side.
• long distance journey. a gift, either materialism or time of someone, a helpful advice and a bit good news.
• do not trust someone, even though it's your family or friends, in next month possibly someone may betray you.
• a conflict, disagreement, betrayal that from a home or family.
Tumblr media
PILE THREE
• gatherings with cheerful and gaiety moment.
• if your in relationship: marriage and rich is it or if not and single sensitive moments will may arrive
• shock from something or someone either it is bad or good
• being in a relationship if single. a return of ex-lover or broken friendship. A party and having fun. sexual contact or physical union.
• the discovery of a mystery from what affects you in this month (January).
• a new beginning or start of new phase of life. Marriage or engagement might be it is for some.
• wish fulfilment or desires being fulfill. for some, a wealth from inheritance or trade.
• financial achievement or improvement. lucky wins or lucky money.
• flattery of someone to you or having mutual feelings to someone.
• if single, fulfilment of highest aims or if not a rival in love.
Tumblr media
[ 🪷. ] Hello! Thank You so much for checking out this pac reading, if you ever like it please do follow and reblog for more pac. Let me know what you feel by commenting down below...
© thedivineart — do not plagiarize any of my work, translate or repost it on other social media platform , do remember that this is only my official account where all my pac are posted, if you ever see something like mine from word by word kindly report it to me, thank you<3. theme is included.
Tumblr media
390 notes · View notes
nd-poite · 7 months
Text
A Few Things I’ve Learned While “living my life for myself and not others”
1. Everything I’m worried about can wait until tomorrow, worrying doesn’t make it go away
2. The only that’s going to kill me, is what actually kills me — not the thing I’m worried about
3. It’s okay to disappoint people — especially your parents, your idols, your mentors; they aren’t the ones who have to live with your regrets
4. Real love can’t be pushed away, it always comes back seeking or lives in another place — still loving
5. Writing people off is double edged sword. . . Don’t make other peoples decisions for them
6. You can make someone jealous, they can desire you or be entertained — but you can’t make someone respect you, cherish you, or be devoted to you
7. Real relationships just accept you as you are, and want you to show up as you are — they aren’t interested in the “ideal” you
8. Also, real relationships will be your most loving critics and hold you accountable whilst being supportive
9. You’ll never truly know what someone is thinking or feeling, just let them show you
10. You’re not a toy or a resource — for other people to take from
11. Your body isn’t an accessory, take care of it and be kind to it
12. There’s a chance tomorrow exists, you should entertain the idea of it
13. Having a plan B doesn’t mean you’re expecting to fail, it just means you’re not afraid to succeed
14. It’s okay when things don’t happen according to plan, you can still enjoy yourself
15. You aren’t weak if you don’t succeed, you gave it your all, it’s just life
16. I think it’s extremely healthy to learn when to tell yourself no; indulgence is a treat and over indulgence is just being greedy
17. Do the thing you’re most scared of — everyone is scared of something, it’s better to live a life of passion and light than a life of fear (and anyways, it gives you something to talk about)
18. Do one thing today that will help you tomorrow
19. Love the parts of you that no one else claps for & don’t let your creativity die (your dreams) because you didn’t have support
20. Stop trying to predict & control the future
21. There are things you can’t prevent or avoid, you have to learn how to cope, have appropriate emotional responses, and get through it
22. There’s a difference between pleasure and joy. . . Pleasure is short-lived, joy is everlasting
23. It’s not about what’s normal, it’s a matter of what’s appropriate — screw normal and average
24. God exists, he loves you irregardless of your choices and flaws etc — I don’t think he’s angry as much as he’s just worried about you and wants you to take better care of yourself
25. ?
@lou-0207 @teacup1 — I challenge y’all to write some too ❤️
9 notes · View notes
watermelonsloth · 3 months
Text
Why I Don’t Ship NaruSaku
Since I don’t want to get too predictable and I’ve picked on SasuSaku enough, I want to explain why I’ve never really committed to shipping NaruSaku.
If you’ve been on my blog or seen some of my posts floating around, you’d likely know that I’ve (sort of) praised NaruSaku in the past. Specifically I’ve said that they should’ve been canon. But, while I stand by that, I don’t actually like the ship itself that much. To be clear, I don’t ship based on canon interactions (quantity or quality) nor do I ship based on what I want or expect to be end-game. I ship characters based on how well I think they can help each other grow.
I’d say that most characters either need someone who is similar to them (they may need relatability/understanding or someone who can affirm their worldview) or they need someone very different than themselves (they may need someone to call them out on problems they don’t notice/recognize or need someone to cover their weaknesses). Both Naruto and Sakura, in my opinion, need someone very different than themselves. Of course, Naruto and Sakura are distinguishable from one another, but they’re similar in ways that lead me to believe that they’d suck at checking each other’s blind spots.
Could Sakura help Naruto study better? Yes. Could Naruto help Sakura become stronger? Also yes. Could Sakura teach Naruto when to hold his tongue and better read the room? Absolutely. Could Naruto inspire Sakura to have more faith in others? Without a doubt. But if you’ve noticed the pattern, you’ve noticed the problem. Naruto and Sakura are really good for helping each other hone their skills or become better in areas where growth is unnecessary.
I’m a firm believer in the idea that nothing is a problem until it negatively impacts your quality of life (with very few exceptions). No one has to polish their personality to perfection and I don’t think it’s healthy to try. Naruto and Sakura don’t have to perfect their skills in areas just because they struggle, Naruto doesn’t have to become a proper master of communication, and Sakura doesn’t have to hold back on making judgements. Working to overcome every flaw doesn’t make a person/character a better person, it makes them boring and unrecognizable. Meanwhile, in the areas they do need to work on, they aren’t really equipped to help each other. Primarily because they have the same problems.
Both of them struggle with priorities (putting Sasuke above their other friends and goals, ignoring the need for justice/closure in the pursuit of peace/calm, etc). Both of them ignore their personal needs in favor of helping other people. Both of them assume that they can solve problems better than the people around them, even if those problems aren’t theirs to solve. These are pretty major character flaws that have resulted in people (including themselves) getting hurt, these are what they most need to work on. Neither of them (at least as far as I can tell) would be able to help the other in recognizing these as genuine problems and then help them navigate (or at least motivate each other to navigate) possible solutions.
Have Naruto and Sakura helped each other grow in canon? Yes. Are Naruto and Sakura capable of being good influences on each other and help each other grow in other ways? Yes. Could Naruto and Sakura reasonably assist each other in overcoming their greatest weaknesses? Eeeeeeeehhhhhhh…
6 notes · View notes