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queen-asante · 6 years

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ejucated immigrant

((AUTHOR’S NOTE: @eene-fangirl For the Fanfiction Weekend Challenge! I should probably wait to post this for Rolf Appreciation Month, but there’s a lot of Jonny backstory/headcanons in here, so I thought it would count. Basically, it’s a poem from Rolf’s POV but it’s technically about Jonny, or rather, Jonny was my muse for this.

I haven’t written a poem in Rolf’s ‘’voice’’ since 2014 but believe it or not, that one little line that Edd says in ‘’A Case of Ed’’ inspired the poem (you know, the one), and as I was reading Ntozake Shange’s for colored girls who have considered suicide/ when the rainbow is enuf, it produced said result. A turnip for your thoughts? I don’t normally write Rolf like this, it’s actually more like Rolf emulating Ntozake Shange for those familiar with her style. As an Indian Immigrant girl who’s considered suicide, that book changed my life, she’s my idol. Hence, the poem is written in ebonics and all lower case to pay homage to Shange (and I consciously dropped third person redundancies, it wasn’t a mistake). Three non-EEnE characters are briefly mentioned: the first one is Vanessa, my friend who’s half African-American and half Haitian. The second one is Ice, who belongs to my friend, Dani. Ice, in her world, is a black and white cat who becomes Double D’s pet. Rolf fears him because he’s not only black and white, but he shares the name of Immigration and Customs Enforcement by pure coincidence. Dani didn’t plan this, as she created Ice before she met me but she liked the idea of giving Rolf a reason to fear the cat, and so we came up with that story together. The third one is Dr. Feelgood who was my therapist, it’s not her real name, it was an affectionate nickname I coined for her in my years battling Bipolar Disorder Type 3.

As a closing thought, much apologies for the length, also tumblr’s going to mess up the format.))

‘’ejucated immigrant’’

dear gods,

i be 14 wit skin as rough as treebark & hands dat look old

i waz the dark skined immigrant wanting to bathe in bleach

Brown Black / Blue Black / Amber Beige / Bister Brick Bronze / Chestnut Chocolate Cinnamin

Copper / Drab / Dust / Ginger / Fawn / Ochre / Coffe Colourd Caramel

Tawny / Terra-Cotta / Henna / Sepia / Umbre

lookin in the thesurus eddward wit two ds give me when i come to dis country

everything spell Brown but nothing spell White

White sound nice like pearl like snow like milk like golden skined white skined light skined

honey dipped / lemon kissed / but begging for ivory / fair frosted silvery ashen boy jimmy

your white hands on my brown skin

i waz the dark skined immigrant botherin to drag you round

you stand there like a closed mouth statue & you insult my way of life

think you know everythin / rolf just some ignorant third world peasant or somethin

but we be livin dis way longer than the foundin of your land

your country young my country old

numbers & poppy / it just to give you illegitimately born breeds of donkeys

somethin to hee-haw over / science say there no gods either but who know dat

you cannot contain lightning bugs in a jar

i waz the dark skined immigrant dreamin of shakin the mr presidents hand

the former mr president wit eyes like a tired old man & Brown his Brown like a mud bath

it really too bad you know / rolf like your former president

dat black man who dont check dixtionaries for validation of his blackness

he not so bad / he waz sympathetic to the plight of the immigrant but his hands tied

not blame him / he not god he not have all the power in the world to fix dis weather

dis cloud dat hang over your land & who the hell is perfect?

it really such a shame / i dream to see the Hill / see the pearly house painted white the place where he live meet him shake his large brown hand / one brown hand to another

cept i not black / rolf not have to be / not pass / rolf european he is white not bloodless

he not pass he not be white enough for your country

cept i be white on the inside look coloured on the out but i aint no coloured

under my skin i am more than a colour

whoever herd of white passing for person of colour

but suddenly i get to dis country & i be treated no different than jonny

so alls i got is coloured dreams

poor grate nano lived & died on silly dreams / well they not exist

there be only reality & reality not kind to the dark skined indigenous immigrant

no one know what i supposed to be / take a wild guess

indian pakistani mexican romani rolf herd it all & none suppose right

they only looking at my face / the outside the outside not matter

cuz i waz the dark skined immigrant not italian not irish but the other kinds

& no one will see unless rolf cut open his veins & bleed

a Wood Nymph have my colour & if i check off the box dat say caucasian i get a funny look

from the lady sittin behind the counter wit the yellow nail polish & beaded eyeglass

spose if jonny do the same they wont believe him neither

jonny be good

yous see him dancin / wearin his stomach out / dark skined bare feet / swayin his hips

& grate thin arms but he not care dat he gots splinters in his fingertips

his nails turnin all black & blue & those chapped lips look like eyes starin out atchu

the gods make dis child the way he is

wit skinted knees & all & elbows pointed outwards readin you like a map

always wit the label on the left side

but he bootiful & he know it / beauty sometime come in the empty coffee can

not in the paper lillies or plastic pearls

you cant make a silk purse from a sows ear / even if dat ear be made of wood

of wood widda crayon drawn smile

jonnys mother the madwoman in the attic

rolf be certain jonny the wood boy some kind of elf from the passage of Valhöll

the mother of the Tree Sprite she not like rolf / well she not like any child it seems

weepy jimmy-boy & rolf invited to jonny-boys abode for a meeting of the Urban Rangers

& tho his mother never says so we feel she not like us very well

she never ast us to stay for lunch

even tho rolf personally would not eat a morsel of what these people eat

& we always been so polite to her but still she build walls

rolf believe she jealous of us becuz jonny likes us

she come out to the parlour / barefoot / flowers in her wild tangled mess of black raven hair

like yoko ono & wearing a long paisley skirt / she bootiful in an earthy sort of way

but she has a wild look in her eyes like a tigress

a violently insane expression like a german vampire dat make rolf think of bertha mason

she looms over her son like a dark older sister becuz they look so alike

altho her skin much darker / a deep chocolate brown / her complexion remind rolf of vanessa maybe she is haitian / she like the demon in nanas stories the one we all have widdin us

who comes out when we try too hard to be good children

she look at white as snow jimmy & myself like she disprove

either she not like us the uniforms or both

rolf forget tho these hippies wit their anti-establishment

they think every uniform represents what jonny calls ‘’the Man’’ & dats what it is rolf think

she not want jonny in the organisation

becuz she think it goes against their opposition to social norms

rolf could tell she wanted to ast us to leave / she not like jonny spending so much time wit us

becuz then he not at home meditating wit her or whatever it is they do

jonnys family is strange / they not eat meat & walk around shoeless

rolf has been called a gypsy by the children at school but flower child jonny seem to rolf more of a gypsy if there ever waz such a thing

he is almost ethereal / his family must be from a clan of faeries the kind nana warns rolf about but brown-skinned jonny seem harmless enough

i watch his mama put a daisy in the pocket of his jeans

i not know if his daddy be white or black but what difference does dat make

rolf understand it is important for a child to love their family no matter their faults

i know The Giving Tree still love his mother

even if she would prefer him to leave the Urban Rangers

of us three jimmy be the whitest of white jonny the blackest of black & i somewhere in between

but any one of us can walk into a puerto rican bar & start speakin spanish

& no one would know what we are

race too complicated & people too narrow minded / want everything boxed in

one day we waz layin on dat grassy knoll / jonny & i

where the trees whisper to us & we whisper back

cuz you know the boy talk to trees & i listen to his voice / & i be lookin at our hands you see

cuz we waz layin inches apart a flower between us & i tuck it behind his ear

then i look & see my skin only one shade lighter than his

tho the sun make me browner than i really be

out in the sun for hours & hours plowing & plowing the fields

by sundown i roasted coffee bean brown / as black as the inside of a chimney

& if i stumble into town any passing stranger would think i waz Black i mean African

id have to stay out of the sun for days to get my old colour black lest i wander round wit only the whites of my eyes visible on my sun burnt dyed rust brown brown skin

& hair so course youd suppose it come off a horses ass

lookin more like an American Indian than a White

i holdin the back of my hand up to jonnys now

how bout dat two brown hands one dark & one light but whos to say i not be a dark white & he not a light skined brown

dont you dare tell me what i am & am not

bitch dis aint no south africa where yous all can reassign us based on what you think

i aint no sandra laing but sometime i wouldnt mind bein black if it meant for you to leave me be

in fact ill gladly be whatever you want me to be but i am what i am

not black enough for black not white enough for white so what am i?

dont box me into Black & White / cuz in dis world brother dat not exist

im sorry as hell but i gettin real tired of bein called

an illegal / an alien / a wop / a gypsy / a guinea / a brownie whatever you want to call us

all your bigoted slurs clumping us together like we one & the same

dat fine but papers or no papers not define who i am

so uncle sam can take it & shove it

welcome to america!

i be having a long love affair wit your country & people

i also be having a war wit em

mama told me there are limits for dark skined immigrants stuck in dis light skined first world

we come over the border wit all the rest of them

wit all them people from central & south america

wit all them refugees from africa & asia

guess what we blend right in we look no different

look just like any other brown faced ‘’illegal alien’’

border patrol take one look at us & think we just like the rest

cuz yesterdays europeans are todays mexicans & middle easterners

coloured Sons of Shepherds gots few chances

what it like to be bilingual / to speak in two tounge

ah but to be fluent in one & not the other tryin to find any definishun in the dixtionary

in which i drop third person redunduncies cuz i only one person not three

& i only speak two language

you speak spanish?

no habla inglés

you speak english?

i dont speak spanish

one day the hat & head as one edd boy say oh rolf! youre so unejucated!

i think my ears deseeve me but i know what i herd

i wish to strike his milk honey cheeks full of nonsense

& say to him i am the ejucated immigrant you be warned about

dont talk to me bout ejucashun

i sale cross the oshun

i wash up on your shore

i lern another language

it wasnt easy

what you know bout ejucashun

all you know come from books & theories

at least i know where i stand

you are a child & i am old old old my hands notted thick wit veins like the roots of a tree

you say i sound angry / yea i angry but not as angry as you

cuz there nothing they fear more than a minority who knows what up

i used to be fraid but not no more

i used to fear the plainclothes agents in Black & White uniform

of immigration & customes enforecement / of ICE police

of eddwards Black & White cat name Ice on ICE

he must be making fool out of me to call a domesticated beast after homeland security

a cat in uniform because the gods make him so not by choice

like there be some purpose to it / i waz the dark skined immigrant you made fun of

i see what they do to the undocumented immigrant on the telly

but now i not be fraid / becuz you cant touch me

so the grapefruit widda red ugly mouth & bleached hair sit in office now

damming all them people from ‘’shithole countries’’ / just as well but we here to stay

it not what i ast for but no use fighting it

& i will gladly pull the bookmarks from my english dixtionary

the one double d edd boy give me

no longer will i bathe in bleach / only use to washing dishes & floors

i not some bloody floor

‘’immigrant’’

at least i can spell dat / i look it up in the dixtionary

websters dixtionary / who the hell is webster?

but now it marked up used copy wit yellow post it notes

i use it a lot to lern your tounge

i not smart but i sho as hell not unejucated / papa can tell me dat

i be in your country in first place to reseeve ‘’best ejucashun’’ like grate nano wanted

grate nano waz an adventurer / a dreamer wit big goals

he travell far & wide seeking fame & fortune

when he a very young boy immigrants from every cesspool in western & eastern europe set sale for The North / it waz always grate nanos dream to travel North

everyone say he more insane than a bovine wit mad cows disease

there no room in dis life for dreams they tell him / he prove our village wrong

when rolf eight years of age grate nano briefly left the Old Country to set sale for america

everyone say he be too old / he never too old for dreams

he wanted to find dat American Dream he hear so often about

spoken wit fondness by the tinkers who visit our land

he returned from his valiant voyage wit stories about what he seen

in the North he said everyone has cars & money & television & running water

no one listen / The North the North they say dat is all you ever talk about

he waz a man who dreamed of a new life for his family & so he decided to send for us

& make a better life for ourselves after the plagues of the land had haunted our family for years grate nano promised us america he said youll soon be eating apple pie from off a china plate white picket fence / coca cola / santa clause / marilyn monroe / empire state building

it sound like a fairytale he spun a legend dat the streets waz paved wit gold

& we believed him for shining in grate nanos eye waz a dream & so here we are

rest his soul he wanted so much to buy us light & sun & clean wind of the oshun

‘’immigrant’’ waz a new word for rolf when he first come here

did not know after hearing the stories from grate nano dat he would soon be one himself

rolf not know what dat mean & still really dont

the dixtionary definishun say \ ˈi-mə-grənt \ noun. a person who comes to a country to take up permanent residence

\ ˈi-mə-ˌgrāt \ verb. [to go or remove into; in, into, and migrate, to remove.]

to come into a new country, region, or environment in order to settle there: opposed to emigrate.

oh sorry dat definishun not say we unclean people / flea invested vermin

sickly serpents who not speak english / greaser / sheenie

contagions of american society / incredibly dirty tramps fresh off the boat

so pervasive / such nonwhite filth / staring back at pitch black faces

not blonde haired & blue eyed / nonwhite skin only fit for dirt & waste work

mama papa kiss me goodbye i going to haiti

but it is what rolf is now it part of his identity just as much as the colour of his skin

just as much as bein a pagan / just as much as bein a male

just as much as bein the Son of a Shepherd

now rolf a new man living in the New World

i am an immigrant

sometime i wish i waz shug avery / bootiful fictional dark skin harlem singer

half man half woman / wit my large glittering masculine thighs i make an animal of men

maybe i have the courtesan complex

so i ast dr feelgood what my diag-nonsense

& she say poor soul you suffer from Stressed Shepherd Syndrome

okay so we all crazy in one way or another / it alright for some

of a mannequin in tears / of personal prejudices

im an unejucated farm boy from No Mans Land

im a poet who write in english

neisatnaf i isatnaf ne / ttim tetrejh dem gnyalp re lesgnel og gem tolrof nuh

rettenremmos i sirb ne mos rav ed / gem etlatrof nuh dro retsem nadrovh

etted tal eddejks rofrovh? / enneh lit gem trekided gej og enneh teksnø etrejh ttim

senneh enenyoø ås gej etted tla eddejks rofrovh

& this is for Sons of Shepherds who have considered suicide

fin

#my writing #poetry #poem #eene #ed edd n eddy #jonny #jonny 2x4 #rolf #jonny appreciation month

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viralhottopics · 7 years

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Stephen King on Donald Trump: How do such men rise? First as a joke

Hes written novels with eerily similar plotlines but how did Trump become president? The only way to find out: inject a panel of fictional voters with truth serum…

I started thinking Donald Trump might win the presidency in September of 2016. By the end of October, I was almost sure. Thus, when the election night upset happened, I was dismayed, but not particularly surprised. I didnt even think it was much of an upset, in spite of the Huffington Post aggregate poll, which gave Hillary Clinton a 98% chance of winning an example of wishful thinking if ever there were one.

Some of my belief arose from the signage I was seeing. Im from northern New England, and in the run-up to the election I saw hundreds of Trump-Pence signs and bumper stickers, but almost none for Clinton-Kaine. To me this didnt mean there were no Clinton supporters in the houses I passed or the cars ahead of me on Route 302; what it did seem to mean was that the Clinton supporters werent particularly invested. This was not the case with the Trump people, who tended to have billboard-sized signage in their yards and sometimes two stickers on their cars (TRUMP-PENCE on the left; HILLARY IS A CRIMINAL on the right).

Brexit also troubled me. Most of the commentators brushed its importance aside, saying that the issue of whether or not Britain should leave the EU was very different from that of who should become the American president, and besides, British and American voters were very different animals. I agreed with neither assessment, because there was a vibe in the air during most of 2016, a feeling that people were both frightened of the status quo and sick of it. Voters saw a vast and overloaded apple cart lumbering past them. They wanted to upset the motherfucker, and would worry about picking up those spilled apples later. Or just leave them to rot.

Clinton voters were convinced shed win, even if they saw her as a ho-hum candidate at best. Many did not even bother going to the polls, which was a large (and largely unstated) factor in her loss. Trump voters, on the other hand, could not wait to pull those levers. They didnt just want change; they wanted a man on horseback. Trump filled the bill.

I had written about such men before. In The Dead Zone, Greg Stillson is a door-to-door Bible salesman with a gift of gab, a ready wit and the common touch. He is laughed at when he runs for mayor in his small New England town, but he wins. He is laughed at when he runs for the House of Representatives (part of his platform is a promise to rocket Americas trash into outer space), but he wins again. When Johnny Smith, the novels precognitive hero, shakes his hand, he realizes that some day Stillson is going to laugh and joke his way into the White House, where he will start world war three.

Big Jim Rennie in Under The Dome is cut from the same cloth. Hes a car salesman (selling being a key requirement for the successful politician), who is the head selectman in the small town of Chesters Mill, when a dome comes down and cuts the community off from the world. Hes a crook, a cozener and a sociopath, the worst possible choice in a time of crisis, but hes got a folksy, straight-from-the-shoulder delivery that people relate to. The fact that hes incompetent at best and downright malevolent at worst doesnt matter.

Both these stories were written years ago, but Stillson and Rennie bear enough of a resemblance to the current resident of the White House for me to flatter myself I have a country-fair understanding of how such men rise: first as a joke, then as a viable alternative to the status quo, and finally as elected officials who are headstrong, self-centered and inexperienced. Such men do not succeed to high office often, but when they do, the times are always troubled, the candidates in question charismatic, their proposed solutions to complex problems simple, straightforward and impractical. The baggage that should weigh these hucksters down becomes magically light, lifting them over the competition like Carl Fredricksen in the Pixar film Up. Trumps negatives didnt drag him down; on the contrary, they helped get him elected.

I decided to convene six Trump voters to discover how and why all this happened. Because I selected them from the scores of make-believe people always bouncing around in my head (sometimes their chatter is enough to drive me bugshit), I felt perfectly OK feeding them powerful truth serum before officially convening the round table. And because they are fictional my creatures they all agreed to this. They gulped the serum down in Snapple iced tea, and half an hour later we began. My panelists were:

Gary Barker, a construction worker from how fitting Gary, Indiana. Gary from Gary is 41, married with two kids, currently unemployed. Graduated high school, never went to college.

William Russell, from Delray Beach, Florida. William spent his working life as a banker in Albany, New York, and is now retired and living in a gated community. Hes 67, a good amateur golfer, physically fit and mentally sharp. Has been married for more than 40 years, with three grown children and six grandchildren. Holds a bachelors degree from New York University and a graduate degree (in accounting) from the University of Illinois, Chicago.

Felicia Gagnon, from Castle Rock, Maine. Felicia is 25 and the sole employee of the Castle Rock Washateria, where she washes, dries, folds and sometimes delivers. She also serves as the janitor. She is unmarried, no children. Graduated high school, never went to college.

David Allen is a roadie-for-hire in Nashville, almost always employed. Last year he toured with both Little Big Town and Trisha Yearwood. He is 29, divorced, with one child. He makes his support payments regularly. Graduated high school, has two years of college (no degree).

Andrea Sparks is a successful restaurant owner in Flint City, Oklahoma. She is 42, twice divorced, with three children. She has a degree in business administration from the University of Oklahoma. Next year she will be president of the Flint City Chamber of Commerce.

Helen Wiggins is a single mother who lives in McKeesport, Pennsylvania, and works as a nail technician (she prefers this to manicurist). She is 28 years old. Graduated high school, no college.

Although they come from varying walks of life and have attained varying degrees of education, none of these participants was stupid, venal or evil. The reader would do well to remember that they were loaded with potent truth serum, which forced them to say what they actually believe, rather than what they thought might be most palatable to their interlocutor. If you, gentle reader, should be inclined to view any of them with contempt or feel outraged about their comments, youd do well first to look inward and ask what you might say if compelled to give the truth of your feelings, the whole truth, the absolute truth, and nothing but the truth. And, with that caveat, the discussion.

Stephen King Thank you all for coming, and agreeing to participate.

Helen Wiggins You could use a manicure. Your nails are too long. But at least it doesnt look as if you chew them.

William Russell I started one of your books but didnt finish it. Ill never try another one. Youre an awful writer.

King Many critics would agree, but todays subject is politics rather than fiction. To begin, Id like to go around the table and ask each of you when you decided you were going to vote for Donald Trump.

Gary Barker After a couple of debates I knew who I was going for. He [Trump] had nicknames for the other guys that really put them in their places. Lyin Ted, for instance. I hated that guy. He always looked like he wanted to yell, Come to Jesus! And Little Marco. That was my favorite. He [Trump] nailed that sucker. He [Rubio] looked like he was about 13 fuckin years old.

Wiggins Dont forget Crooked Hillary. That was the cutest nickname.

David Allen Right. When they all started yelling, Lock her up! at the convention. I knew then it was going to be a whole new ballgame, and I decided to vote for Trump. But I didnt shoot my mouth off about it. Nashville is in the south, but in the music business there are plenty of bleeding hearts. Not like Hollywood, thank God, but you still have to be careful. I started off saying I hadnt made up my mind when people asked me, then I started saying, Probably Clinton. I never told anyone I was going to vote for Trump. Especially not my ex. She would have torn my balls off.

Russell Trumps a businessman who understands business. Hes going to make them sit on the minimum wage, and hell take off a lot of those stupid banking, business and pollution regulations. Its working already. Just look at the stock market.

Felicia Gagnon Most of my customers at the Washateria were for him, so I decided I was, too. It wasnt just going along with the crowd, either. He always had an answer for everything, and he took no shit. Also, he wants to keep the illegals out. My job isnt much, but it pays the rent. What if some illegal comes along and tells Mr Griffin hes the owner that shell do my job for half the salary? Would that be fair?

Andrea Sparks It wouldnt, it absolutely wouldnt. And I admired him for a comeback he made to Clinton in, I think it was their first debate. She said he paid no taxes, and Trump came right back, said: That makes me smart. I knew right then I was going to vote for him, because taxes are killers. Thats why no one from the middle class can really get ahead. They tax you to death. I am making a little bit of money, but Id be making a lot more if they didnt tax me so badly, and why do they do it? To pay welfare for the illegals Felicia was talking about. The beaners, the darkies and the camel-jockeys. I would never say that if I wasnt full of this truth serum stuff, but Im glad I did. Its a relief. I dont want to be a racist, its not how I was raised, but they make you be one. I work hard for what Ive got, from nine in the morning until midnight, sometimes until one in the morning. And what happens? The government takes the sweat from my brow and gives it to the foreigners. Who shoot it into their arms with dope the drug mules bring up from Mexico.

Barker Amen to that, sister.

Wiggins You know, I was torn at first, but when he hired that guy Pence to be his vice-president, I got on board. He [Pence] was so smart at the debate he had with that other guy. He had an answer for everything.

Gagnon Also handsome, with that nice white hair.

Wiggins Yes, he takes care of himself. Nice haircut, good teeth, beautiful skin. I thought to myself, Trump is on the fat side. If he has a heart attack and dies, Pence can take over. And the guy who ran with Clinton, I cant even remember his name, but he looked like one of those guys at the DMV who, when you finally get to the front of the line, says you filled out the paperwork wrong and sends you home.

[General laughter from the panel.]

Russell Also, theres the matter of the trademark slogans. Do you know what Im talking about?

King Tell me.

Russell Candidates have certain codified positions, which form the basis of the so-called stump speech. In that speech, which is about the same whether its made in Portland, Maine or Portland, Oregon, they make their basic talking points over and over. But they also need a simple summation of what they stand for. Thats conveyed by the trademark slogan, something simple and catchy. Trumps was MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, and it was perfect. Contains two words of great power: America and great. Clintons was STRONGER TOGETHER. Vague. Wishy-washy. Forgettable. Stronger than what? Together with whom? It says nothing. The person who thought that up was an idiot, and she was an idiot for using it. Her slogan might as well have been WERE GOING TO DO SOME STUFF.

Sparks Trump was the boss. Clinton was just bossy, and take it from me, nobody likes a bossy woman. As a business person, I have to use a certain amount of tact. She didnt have that.

Allen When she spoke, she kind of brayed.

Gagnon Because she was trying to sound like a man. That may work in New York, but not out where there are real people.

Sparks Whatever, it was like fingernails on a blackboard. If I talked to my waitstaff like that, half of them would quit.

King OK, since were on the subject of Clinton, I want to go around the table and have you give me one word or one short phrase that describes your impression of her. Gary, you havent had much to say, so lets start with you.

Barker Before we get to that, I just want to say that Ive always been attracted to young men on surfboards. This truth serum is whoo.

King Good to know, and thank you for sharing, but how about a word or simple phrase describing your impression of

Barker Bitch. I thought she was a bitch.

King OK. Felicia?

Gagnon Stuck-up. A stuck-up smartypants. She talked down to people.

King William?

Russell Felicias exactly right. Clinton projected arrogance and a sense of entitlement. Riding on Slick Willies coat-tails.

Allen I hated those pantsuits. Like she doesnt think people can figure out shes got a booty. And shes starting to look really old.

Wiggins Is she a lesbian? I heard she was a lesbian.

Sparks I dont care about that, but her bestie was one of those Muslims. You know, the one married to the guy always showing his junk on the internet. Huma Abba-Jabba, or something.

King Id like to discuss two issues that dogged Hillary Clintons campaign

Sparks Can I just say I ate a whole box of chocolate pinwheel cookies last night? Id like to say that. Then I vomited them back up, because I have to stay thin.

King Thank you, Andrea. Now, if I could turn to Clintons involvement if you choose to call it that in the Benghazi attack, where four Americans, including US ambassador J Christopher Stevens, were killed. Did that play a part in your decision not to vote for Clinton?

Allen Is Benghazi in Africa or China?

Russell Actually, its in Libya. Which the Obama administration destabilized by not helping Gaddafi in his time of need. The man was an asshole, but he was our asshole. Pardon my French, ladies.

Barker Putting the bitch factor aside, I dont think you can hold her responsible for what a bunch of ragheads do. They just want to kill Americans for Allah.

King So you dont blame her?

Barker Not for that, Jesus no. Hey, you should see my collection of surfer mags. My wife thinks its the boards Im interested in.

King Just to put a button on this, were any of you influenced by Benghazi when you stepped into the voting booth?

[No responses.]

Illustration: Leonard Beard for the Guardian

King OK, lets move along. There was also a controversy about Clinton sending and receiving emails on an unsecured server. Something like 35,000. Did that influence any of you?

Russell Speaking just for myself, not at all. Hackers can get into any computer, secured or not. Someone phished my American Express card number and got himself over $1,000 worth of equipment at Best Buy. They should bring back the whipping post for people who do that. It would put a stop to the practice in short order.

Allen Billy-boy, you nailed it. Computers these days might as well be screen doors. You see hacking all the time in the music business. And hey, get real. What was the stuff going back and forth, anyway? Recipes, gossip, Ill be here at such-and-such a time, did you see her new purse, shit like that. Give me a break.

Barker Whats this about emails? What are you talking about?

Wiggins Never mind, no biggie.

Gagnon My computer is busted. It was just a cheap one, anyway. I have to buy a new one, but cant afford it just now. Id steal one, but Im scared of getting caught.

King Andrea, what about you?

Sparks I dont care about that chicks emails. What I care about are the taco-benders down the street with their food wagon, cutting into my business. I went to the police, and they said the taco-benders had a permit. How do illegals get a permit to sell food on the street? Tell me that.

Russell Do you have proof they are illegals, Andrea?

Sparks I dont need proof. Those wetbacks are like bedbugs, theyre everywhere. And they breed. I cant wait until Trump builds that wall. The Mexicans say they wont pay for it, but they will, unless they want American tanks in Jurez and Tijuana. You wait and see. Trump takes no shit. I like a man who takes no shit. If my ex-husbands had been more like that, Id never have fired them.

Wiggins You want a scandal? Clintons on the side of the baby-killers, thats a scandal.

Barker Shes also on the side of the gun Puritans. Ive got four firearms, two handguns and two rifles, and nobodys taking those suckers. Nobody.

King Very interesting, Gary, but weve wandered away from the question. Were any of you influenced by the so-called email scandal when you stepped into the voting booth?

[No responses.]

King OK, Id like to move along to

Allen Can I say something else about Hillary?

King Of course, David.

Allen You asked us when we decided to vote for Trump. Ill tell you when I decided I was also gonna vote against her, even though I thought she was basically OK. Smart, even. I dont go along with that bitch stuff, either. I work with women on the road, and even the ones who are bitches hate that word. So I steer clear of it.

Sparks Whats your point, Mr Huffington Post Politically Correct?

Allen You ought to do something about that hair, maam, your dye jobs showing.

Sparks Fuck you.

King If we have that out of the way

Allen I was in Houston on 9/11 last year, OK? Visiting my sister and picking up some bucks working an Eric Church gig. That afternoon, before I had to go on down to the Bayou and start rolling amps, I was in this little place called Spot Mikes, kind of a lunchateria where they also serve beer. The TV was on, and they showed Hillary collapsing after she tried to give a speech, or maybe she did give it, I dont know. But she went legless and the men around her, probably Secret Service, had to help her into the car. It made me think of something my grandad used to say: woman-weak. Thats what she was, woman-weak. Now suppose that happened during a crisis, or something. No, she didnt have any business being the most powerful person in the world.

King Can I point out that George HW Bush vomited during a state dinner in Japan?

Barker I remember that, but he had food poisoning. Her, though, its like Dave said: woman-weak.

Gagnon I heard she had a bunch of strokes and they covered it up.

Russell She and Slick Willie are big-time dopers. Its a known fact. Whereas Trump doesnt even drink.

Wiggins Kind of a fat shit, though, isnt he? Likes his Whoppers.

[General affectionate laughter from the panel.]

King I want to move on to some of the negatives about Trump, and ask why they didnt influence you. Lets start with his alleged ties to Russia. Anyone care to comment?

Gagnon Speaking of influence, do you have any with TV people, Mr King? Id sure like to be on The Price Is Right. Im very good at guessing the prices of things, toasters and such, and Id like a chance at one of those showcases. They have these wonderful trips.

King Im sorry, I dont know anyone who

Russell You have to stand in line, like everyone else. Live with it.

King There have been accusations that Trumps associates have ties to Russia, and that Trump himself may have financial interests in that part of the world. Hes certainly said plenty of complimentary things about Putin. Any feelings on that? Helen? What about you?

Wiggins Whats wrong with making friends of an enemy? Burying the hatchet? Thats what the Bible says.

Allen Like that song, Whats So Funny Bout Peace, Love, And Understanding?

Sparks Totally agree. As for the oil, if theres more, the prices go down. More miles for your buck. No-brainer.

Gagnon Speaking of that, they had one of those electric cars on The Price Is Right just last week. I think it was a Prius, or maybe a

Russell Two strong men working together. I like it. Its good for business.

King Anyone else?

Wiggins Is it lunchtime yet? I dont know if its the serum or what, but I could eat a horse.

Allen I got something you can eat, hon. Not as big as a horse but almost.

King This seems an appropriate time to ask about certain sexual allegations. The famous grab em by the pussy remark, for instance. And how you can do anything if youre famous. Ladies first.

Gagnon How many women do you think have been throwing themselves at him, someone whos rich and handsome?

[General laughter at the word handsome.]

Gagnon Well, he was, anyway, and hes still rich. Nobody talks about women who go sex-fishing for men, tell you that.

Sparks Also, most women in showbusiness are whores, so whats the big deal? Look at the Academy Awards if you dont believe me. Every woman under 30 falling out of her dress. Show a man dessert, honey, hes going to want to eat.

Barker And at least hes not a fag, you know?

Wiggins Men are men, thats all. They all talk big, especially when theyre with other men.

Russell Sure. And let me point out we were electing a president, not a saint.

Allen Exactly. That sex stuff was just the press, trying to sell papers and bring him down while they were at it. Those guys were all for Hillary.

King OK, but suppose the shoe had been on the other foot, and the press had obtained a tape of Hillary talking like that?

Sparks They didnt.

Wiggins Also, its different for women. The um

Russell The perception.

Wiggins Right.

King I believe you have a daughter, Helen

Wiggins Thats right. Patricia. Patty. Shes the best thing in my life. Smart as well as pretty. Gets all As in school. You should see her book reports!

King What if it was her pussy Trump was talking about grabbing?

Wiggins Thats a filthy thing to say. Also stupid. My daughters only nine. Even the New York Times never said Trump goes for kiddies, and they lie about everything.

King Im just saying

Wiggins Well, dont. Save the dirty talk for your books.

King OK, lets move on to Trumps taxes. He wont reveal them.

Allen No law says he has to.

King What if hes hiding something?

Sparks Honey, were all hiding something. Although I will admit Id like to see what sort of fiddles hes using.

[General laughter.]

Barker Actually, I would, too. Hes got a lot of friends in big business, and they all care more about their money than anything else. Goes without saying. That stuff about how he was going to drain the swamp? I never believed it. They drain the swamp, everyone will see how many bodies theyve buried there.

Sparks Not to mention how much buried treasure.

Allen If he does a good job, fuck his tax returns.

Barker Cant argue with that.

Gagnon Besides, rich people dont have to pay like the rest of us, everyone knows that. They have lawyers and accountants to keep them on the right side of the law. They know all the loopholes. Its how the world works. Hes against Obamacare, thats the important thing. That takes more money out of poor peoples pockets than taxes. Its not like the Affordable Care Act. The Republicans did that, and its much better.

King It appeared that he made fun of a reporter with a physical disability shaking and stuttering. Any thoughts on that?

Russell Not relevant.

King It doesnt speak to character?

Russell Of course not. Dont be obtuse.

Allen It wasnt very nice, but the guy pissed him off. Sure, it was politically incorrect, but I thought it was, um

Sparks A breath of fresh air?

Allen Yes. It woke people up. None of the usual politician bullshit. Hannity isnt right about everything, but he sure was about that.

King This would be Sean Hannity, of Fox News?

Allen Correct.

King How many of you got most of your information on the candidates from Fox News?

[Allen, Russell and Sparks raise their hands.]

King What about you, Felicia?

Gagnon I watch Lester Holt. Also Good Morning America.

King Gary?

Barker I read USA Today. They have a little story about Indiana every day, and their sports coverage is terrific. The rest you have to take with a grain of salt, because the coverage was slanted toward Clinton.

Russell What wasnt slanted in the papers was made up of whole cloth. Fake news. The worst offender was the New York Slimes, and they wont let it go.

King I think weve about finished, but Id like to run one more thing by you before we break for lunch. Psychologists mention four basic traits when diagnosing a sociopathic condition known as narcissistic personality disorder. People suffering from this condition believe themselves superior to others, they insist on having the best of everything, they are egocentric and boastful, and they have a tendency to first select love objects, then find them at fault and push them aside. Comments?

[A long silence at the table.]

Russell Whats your point?

Gagnon Are you sure you cant get me on The Price Is Right?