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#thorin and bilbo are lesbians

astridwrynn · 2 years

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fem bagginshield in a modern au because brainrot goes hard–

#bagginshield #thorin oakenshield #bilbo baggins #the hobbit #bagginshield art #moder au #gender swap #lesbians #i need to write a fic #but i can't write

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retellingthehobbit · 5 months

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Retelling The Hobbit Chapter 16: The Song of the Lonely Mountain First chapter / Previous / Next

To view full comic: Webtoon/A03 / Tumblr post with links to all chapters

Other blogs: TikTok/Instagram/Tumblr Sideblog

*crumbles into dust after finishing this* Thank you for reading! This The Hobbit webcomic adaptation thing takes a lot of effort to put together and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate every comment. I also really appreciate the people who’ve spread the word of this comic to their friends! <3

And finally, we’re at the Song of the Lonely Mountain! Within Tolkien’s canon, The Hobbit is an in-universe book that was “written” by Bilbo Baggins, who occasionally lies/embellishes/exaggerates things. The tonal differences between The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings are explained by Bilbo and Frodo/Sam being different kinds of storytellers, with different relationships to “the truth.” This idea is the core of how I’m adapting the novel! Bilbo is an unreliable narrator who is literally ‘drawing’ from his own limited experiences; the different art styles reflect the different perspectives of other characters. The “dwarf art style” in this chapter is inspired by stonework/metalwork in general— but especially by a mix of art deco, Celtic art, and European folk art.

The central tension of the comic is between Bilbo and Thorin, who each have wildly different ideas about what kind of story they’re in. Thorin is in a grand fantasy epic, while Bilbo is in a lighthearted children’s book adventure. The tragedy is, obviously, that only one side of the story ever gets to be fully told.

On a sillier note, a few years ago I had my first gay crush on a lesbian who sang while playing the piano. This chapter is dedicated to the piano lesbian. I hope they’re doing well, wherever they are. XD

I think I might need a bit of a break but I’m hoping for the next chapter, titled “Dawn,” to arrive on January 13th. And your comments/support really do help motivate me to get more done! ^_^

#lotr #the hobbit #bagginshield #the hobbit comic #retelling the hobbit #lord of the rings #thorin oakenshield #bilbo baggins #YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET #anyway *crumbles into dust*#the slowest burn bagginshield fic of all time???#it will become canon in approximately 84 years #i would say its the most high effort fanfic in the hobbit fandom but ive got lots of competition for that #god works hard but Hobbit fans work harder and etc etc #long post

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watercolorofthemoon · 1 year

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i forced my roommate to watch both LOTR and The Hobbit with me. Here are some highlights

LOTR:

Roomie: I like this gandalf dude Me: Oh yeah me too. he's a bit questionable sometimes but we love him

30 seconds later, gandalf fighting saruman: Roomie: NO MY SKRUNKLY

Roomie: awe sam is a precious boy Me, internally: oh you dont even know the half of it

merry and pippin stealing crops: Roomie: ARE THEY THE BASTARD LITTLE BROTHERS?? me: I mean i gues- Roomie: FOUND FAMILY LETS FUCKING GO

Elrond being disappointed and having strong eyebrows: Roomie: i feel like i've let down my dad and i dont even have a dad

Roomie: i don't really like boromir that much- me, pausing the movie to explain why boromir is extremely valid: I WILL HAVE NO BOROMIR SLANDER Roomie: is this bc he's a himbo

Roomie: this thorin guy sounds pretty gay if he's given bilbo this thing thats worth more than the shire me, internally: YOU HAVE NO IDEA MOTHERFUCKER

gandalf dying: roomie: NO MY BOY

roomie: please tell me gimli and legolas are gay, because everyone else seems extremely straight me: they arguably one of the gayest duos, yes. roomie: oh good. i thought they straight-washed sam for no reason me: i mean. there are a lot of frodo and sam moments that have no heterosexual explanation viggo breaking his toes: me, practically bursting at the seams: roomie: oh god what is it me: DID YOU KNOW-

gandalf is alive: roomie: FUCK YEAH MY BOY

me, explaining the uruk-hai: roomie: fucked up of a yas character to do that tbh (referring to saruman's manicure)

theoden being stubborn at helm's deep: roomie: okay i like him BUT COME ONNN MAN

eowyn picking up merry before they ride to gondor: roomie: I KNOW I WANTED TO KISS HER FOr A REASON MWAH MWAH EOWYN me:...she gets a bf roomie: NOT ANYMORE

aragorn: for frodo roomie, bursting into tears: me: whoa whoa u good roomie: ITS HIS DAD. ITS FRODO'S DAD.

sam literally carrying frodo up a mountain: roomie:...thats a bit gay mount doom blowing up: roomie: thats unecessary and homophobic

frodo sailing to the undying lands: roomie: TAKE YOUR BOYFRIEND WITH YOU YOU COWARD

The Hobbit:

the scene with baby bilbo: roomie: NAUR I LOVE HIM

bilbo and gandalf interacting as adults: roomie: this feels like it could go very wrong thorin finally showing up: roomie: listen im gay but i'd consider it me: he's probably also gay roomie: mlm and wlw solidarity okay we're bffs now

bilbo running out of the door: roomie: again. this feels like this could go very wrong. me, internally: oh fuck how do they KNOW already

thorin throwing down his weapon bc bilbo got caught by trolls: roomie:....thats....sus. me:...if this is sus...oh boy...

thorin's obvious dislike of elves @ rivendell: roomie: okay so. explain to me why thorin doesn't like elves again- me: did you not watch the entire introduction to thorin? roomie: NO WAIT I REMEMBER THE BLOND BITCH

saruman showing up: roomie: ew.

galadriel showing up: roomie: HELLO SAILOR AWOOGA AWOOGA

bilbo and thorin nearly falling off at the mountain pass: thorin: he's been lost ever since he stepped out his front door roomie: WDYM YOU'RE ALL FUCKED UP- thorin stop being mean to your husband

the entirety of the goblin tunnels and gollum: roomie: this does not bode well. at all. the ring showing up: roomie: I WAS RIGHT

azog versus thorin scene: roomie: dumb bitch...OH NO DOES HE DIE- bilbo to the rescue: oh no its chill, just gay

the iconic carrock scene: roomie:....this is incredibly gay bestie me: i'm aware.

the entirety of the beorn's house arc: roomie: ...i like beorn. he's feral and skrunkly. so is radaghast.

legolas showing up: roomie: *surprised pikachu face*

tauriel and kili's interactions: roomie: damn i was hoping she would be gay me: i mean with the right headcanons she can totally be a lesbian roomie: UR SO RIGHT OMG

kili getting shot with arrow: roomie: NO THE GAYS-

the laketown master existing: roomie: EAT THE RICH.

bilbo and thorin on the boat together: roomie: oh they definitely fucked in laketown-

tauriel healing kili and them holding hands: roomie: oh no don't make me feel sad for straight ppl me: again. they don't have to be straight. roomie: I KNOW BUT ITS THE PRINCIPLE OF IT

bilbo waking up smaug: roomie: oh bilbo...oh you sweet summer child...you stupid bitch.

thorin threatening bilbo initially: roomie: oh fuck. it got worse. me, internally: oh honey. oh no.

thorin's gold sickness and then nearly killing bilbo at the ramparts: roomie: NO THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE GAY AND HAPPY HOW COULD YOU

*doesn't say anything almost the entire battle until the kili and fili die* roomie: noooo the skrunklies NOOOOOOO

thorin, fucking dies in bilbo's arms: roomie: *turns to look at me with the most murderous look on her face* me: *nervous laughter* so about it getting worse- roomie: IM GOING TO KILL YOU.

end for now, if we end up watching trop together ill let yall know <3

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ringinghellsbell · 2 years

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Bagginshield: A rant

So, I would like to start out this post with saying that I ship Thorin and Bilbo. And I have for a very very very long time.

But what makes me sick to my stomach while looking at other people's fan art is 2 things (and I usually don't do this so bear with me):

1. Genderbending ONE of the characters to make the ship ok. As if shipping two men is NOT ok. The only way it IS ok is if one of the characters is female. This is deeply rooted in homophobia. That goes with ships that are canon or non-canon. It doesn't matter. Even with lesbian ships. Or any LGBTQIA+ ship. Taking an LGBTQIA+ ship and turning it into a straight cis ship is erasure and homophobic at its finest.

2. Bilbo looks like a CHILD IN THE MAJORITY OF THE FAN ART I SEE. Martin Freeman (and Bilbo) are older. Yeah, Bilbo is a lot shorter than Thorin. However, facial wrinkles are very important while drawing shorter characters for a reason.

If you look up Bagginshield anywhere, you'll see the bigger eyed, smooth skinned, very young looking Bilbo. Which isn't correct whatsoever.

While he does have a rather smooth face, drawing lines that appear around the eyes and mouth are very important, otherwise, he is going to look like a child.

It just really makes me sick to my stomach some people still ship like this. I'm not one to criticize art or ships, but damn. It's time to fucking stop.

#rant #bagginshield #lotr #hobbit #thorin oakenshield #bilbo baggins #thorin x bilbo #gay ships

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thatfancygirlinwhite · 3 months

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@ovenstavern sent me an ask and of course I lost it — but here is my answer anyway. Sorry, love!

🤡 What's a line, scene, or exchange you've written that made you laugh?

"We've been meaning to mean to do it!" Kíli latches on with equal enthusiasm. "We didn't mean to not mean to mean to do it!—" "—And this time we really mean to mean to do it—" "—In fact, we mean to really mean to mean to do it!—" "—Yes, Uncle, we mean—"

From chapter 4 of Within the Waves.

⛔ Do you have a fic you started, but scrapped?

Oh god, most of my fics are WIPs that will likely never see the light of day. Most of the time they are ideas that I would start writing down only to realise the plot isn't that good/doesn't make sense...

👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please!

Alright. I have a few, but I'm particularly excited for one called Dark Eyes Stained Light; I'm hoping for it to be a very long fic, with gore as I like it, heaps of worldbuilding, and lesbian Bagginshield. 🤭 don't know when it will see the light of publication, however.

🤩 Who is your favorite character to write?

I think Thorin, just because it's so easy for me to relate to him — he's the oldest of 2 siblings and would shoulder the world for his family (me too). At the same time he's rude and withdrawn, I think, but not disconnected — he feels deeply and passionately —, and certainly he has enough honour to make up for his moods. I suppose in that sense he's a bit like a vague role model of mine: he can own up to his mistakes and keep going and I really like that.

🤲 Would you please share a snippet of a wip?

The walls were high, too, impossibly so, cluttered with books, and when she risked a glance upwards, the ribbed vault ceiling culminated in a single, immense bell of black rock, that loomed above them. Bilbo immediately looked down at the desk, fearing quite irrationally that it might suddenly fall, and crush them.

Some scenery from Dark Eyes Stained Light!

✅ What's something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don't mean to?

Um, Dís? I can never kill her off. I love her so much. Also, good communication between Thorin's family — I love it when writers make the siblings fight, for ex., or Thorin & Fíli & Kíli have a troubled relationship, but it hurts my soul and so far I have been somewhat unable to fully deliver those broken family feels, I think.

📚 Would you ever want to turn writing into a career?

Probably... not! I don't think I'd be good at it, either way, and my passion lies in medicine! Maybe I'll write my research papers like stories if I miss it too much, haha.

I think those are all the questions — thank you so much for asking!

#fanfic ask

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scary-grace · 1 year

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Barduil Month 2023 Day 16: Ghosts

I'm repurposing day 16 of Barduil Month 2023 @bi-widower-dads for my own silly reasons and using it to post the Titanic AU, the inspiration/aesthetics for which can be found under #la chanson de la mer. In the meantime, welcome to the weirdest AU ever.

where the ocean meets the sky (7131 words) by BiSquared Chapters: 1/? Fandom: The Hobbit - All Media Types Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Bard the Bowman/Thranduil, Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield Characters: Thranduil (Tolkien), Bard the Bowman, Thorin Oakenshield, Bilbo Baggins, Legolas Greenleaf, Tauriel (Hobbit Movies), Gimli (Son of Glóin), Glóin (Tolkien), Balin (Tolkien), Dwalin (Tolkien), Kíli (Tolkien), Dori (Tolkien), Smaug (Tolkien) Additional Tags: Titanic AU, POV Multiple, POV Thranduil, POV Bard the Bowman, POV Thorin, POV Bilbo Baggins, Female Thranduil, Female Bard the Bowman, Fluff, Angst, Bard is a useless lesbian, Thranduil is also a useless lesbian, Historical References, possibly my most out-there AU, which really says something, Flashbacks, Story within a Story, Thorin Is an Idiot, Romance Summary: Thorin Oakenshield might be a treasure-hunter, but it's his own family's treasure he's looking for within the wreck of Titanic, and he's hit a dead end. His only clue lies in a mysterious sketch, featuring an even more mysterious woman: Thranduil Bowman, whose memory of Titanic's ill-fated maiden voyage holds more than just the key to the lost jewels. As she tells her tale, she reveals dark secrets, harsh truths, and a love that burns bright enough to illuminate even the darkest depths of the sea.

#barduilmonth2023 #barduil #bard the bowman #thranduil #bagginshield #thorin oakenshield #bilbo baggins #a bisquared production

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thehobbitgirlie · 1 year

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bilbo baggins and thorin oakenshield protectors of the lesbians

#idc they would fight for us #bilbo baggins #thorin oakenshield #the hobbit #<3

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blakbonnet · 1 year

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Tagged by @alameins @skysofrey thanks 😘

3 ships:

ed/stede (literally on my mind 24x7 even my boss has started asking me if the gay pirates are okay)

bilbo/thorin (i recently found out that the hobbit movies came out 10 years ago and...🥲 okay)

toss up with dream/hob or crowley/aziraphale tbh (both are very minor fixations right now no im not going to go in and fall into these ships)

first ever ship: im pretty sure my first conscious/active ship (enough to read fics etc) has to be something rapunzel/disney but the first ship i kinda remember rooting for as a kid is frog and the toad 🐸

last song: the chain (live 1977 where theyre fighting lmaoo)

last movie: im pretty sure it was the school of good vs evil with friends on a drunken night

currently reading: The Sandman but I should start rereading Good Omens soon

currently watching: Severance (seriously what is this show it's blowing my mind honestly)

currently consuming: im having my morning tea and yes, i've just woken up

currently craving: more bts and a name reveal for the lesbian pirates

no pressure tags: @beardedblack @ella-doe @flightoftheconnie and whoever wants to do it

#tag games

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aurembiaux · 2 years

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Allow me to present You’ll be dancing once again, my new Mamma Mia/Hobbit au

Have you ever felt like you wanted to explore Mamma Mia in Middle Earth? Do you miss more stories where Frodo and Sam are lesbians? Would you like to see fem!Bilbo hanging out with hot mom!Thranduil and Gandalf? How are three men as different as Thorin (an architect with a complicated family legacy), Bofur (a cheerful activist and documental film maker) and Nori (ex crime lord and current drag pub owner) going to react to the news that they have a daughter? How might Bilbo react when she finds them in her farm?

Come read this and more in my Mamma Mia/Hobbit au, You’ll be dancing once again, now with wonderful art by Paprika Moony!

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8-opossums · 5 months

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People you’d like to know better tag game!

I was tagged by @tripleyeeet, hello there

Three ships

* Ead Duryan x Sabran Berethnet - From Priory of the Orange Tree. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a Queen and her handmaiden/protector falling in love while the drama of court and the world falling into chaos.

* Lae’zel x Shadowheart - From the very beginning of the game I was just thinking “if those two makes out sloppy style, I think it would solve their issues.”

* Insert let’s got lesbians gif

* Bilbo x Thorin - I recently re-watched the Hobbit trilogy and it reminded me how I loved that ship so I’m gonna put it on here.

Last Film

* As I said I just rewatched The Hobbit trilogy, as well as the Spiderverse movies, Fnaf, and Over the Garden Wall.

Currently Watching

* It’s a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie… Look I love the muppets and my family put up our Christmas Tree after Thanksgiving. We eat pizza, put up the tree and watch a Christmas movie while doing it. Also it has Mathew Lillard, David Arquette, Whoopi Goldberg, and the Scrubs cast so.

* Rewatching Arcane since season 2 has been announced, and The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance. Netflix, I will never forgive your for cancelling that show, I’m comin’ for your teeth.

Currently Reading

* Finished A Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes last week and goddamn is Coriolanus unhinged.

* Currently stuck between starting necromancy lesbians in space, dnd lesbians, women indulging in some cannibalism, mom creates a monster with pieces of her dead son, or re-read Percy Jackson.

Currently Consuming

* Physically - hot chocolate, even though I have a terrible cough and probably shouldn’t drink milk, but oh well.

* Media - Baldur’s Gate 3, Destiny 2, and the new Mario Game.

Currently Craving

* Physically - I could really CONSUME a cinnamon roll. The cafe near my school has boba and baked goods. Could really go for a Bee’s Knees boba and a cinnamon roll.

* I also need to get caught up on my worksheets at school (cosmetology) due to being out because of being sick.

* Health insurance to not be such a nightmare.

I’ll tag @Arabian-magic, @iamthekawaii, @notnowtobey, and whoever else wants to!

#getting to know me #questions #tag games #tag game

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ao3feed-tolkien · 11 months

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Of Curious Beginnings and Even Stranger Ends

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/l5JnN9e

by teapartypoltergiest

With an unsual name and upbringing, it was only natural that Bilbo Baggins would eventually do something unsual with her life. Although almost no one thought she would grow to scandalize the entirety of upper hobbit society by taking on a dwarven queen for a wife after killing a dragon. Her parents, and Gandalf, had assumed as much.

Words: 1604, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Categories: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M

Characters: Thorin Oakenshield, Bilbo Baggins, Thorin's Company, Nori (Tolkien), Dori (Tolkien), Ori (Tolkien), Gimli (Son of Glóin), Glóin (Tolkien), Óin (Tolkien), Bombur (Tolkien), Bofur (Tolkien), Bifur (Tolkien), Kíli (Tolkien), Fíli (Tolkien), Dís (Tolkien), Dwalin (Tolkien), Balin (Tolkien), Gandalf | Mithrandir

Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield, Dwalin/Nori (Tolkien), Kíli (Tolkien)/Tauriel (Hobbit Movies)

Additional Tags: Female Bilbo Baggins, Female Bilbo Baggins/Female Thorin Oakenshield, Female Thorin Oakenshield, Lesbian Bagginshield, follows the films

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/l5JnN9e

#IFTTT #ao3feed #fanfic #Tolkien #JRR Tolkien #Tolkien works #ao3 #fan fiction

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ao3feed-thehobbit · 11 months

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Of Curious Beginnings and Even Stranger Ends

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/aLQOt2K

by teapartypoltergiest

Words: 1604, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Categories: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M

Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield, Dwalin/Nori (Tolkien), Kíli (Tolkien)/Tauriel (Hobbit Movies)

Additional Tags: Female Bilbo Baggins, Female Bilbo Baggins/Female Thorin Oakenshield, Female Thorin Oakenshield, Lesbian Bagginshield, follows the films

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/aLQOt2K

#IFTTT #ao3feed #fanfic #the hobbit

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ao3feed-barduil · 1 year

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where the ocean meets the sky

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/vFi02Ut

by BiSquared

Thorin Oakenshield might be a treasure-hunter, but it's his own family's treasure he's looking for within the wreck of Titanic, and he's hit a dead end. His only clue lies in a mysterious sketch, featuring an even more mysterious woman: Thranduil Bowman, whose memory of Titanic's ill-fated maiden voyage holds more than just the key to the lost jewels. As she tells her tale, she reveals dark secrets, harsh truths, and a love that burns bright enough to illuminate even the darkest depths of the sea.

Words: 7131, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: The Hobbit - All Media Types

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: F/F, M/M

Characters: Thranduil (Tolkien), Bard the Bowman, Thorin Oakenshield, Bilbo Baggins, Legolas Greenleaf, Tauriel (Hobbit Movies), Gimli (Son of Glóin), Glóin (Tolkien), Balin (Tolkien), Dwalin (Tolkien), Kíli (Tolkien), Dori (Tolkien), Smaug (Tolkien)

Relationships: Bard the Bowman/Thranduil, Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield

Additional Tags: Titanic AU, POV Multiple, POV Thranduil, POV Bard the Bowman, POV Thorin, POV Bilbo Baggins, Female Thranduil, Female Bard the Bowman, Fluff, Angst, Bard is a useless lesbian, Thranduil is also a useless lesbian, Historical References, possibly my most out-there AU, which really says something, Flashbacks, Story within a Story, Thorin Is an Idiot, Romance

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/vFi02Ut

#the hobbit #barduil #fic #ao3 #bardxthranduil #thranduilxbard

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ladylouoflothlorien · 3 years

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One of the boys

summary: Hobbits are terribly sexist and have incredibly traditional views on gender roles. Bilba Baggins is a female Hobbit – who by normal standards should have married 10 years ago – and she’s just about done with The Shire and everyone in it. Gandalf gives her an out, and it’s an out she was never going to refuse, no matter how dangerous it may prove to be. Alternatively: my excuse to make Bilbo and Thorin lesbians.

pairing: fem!bilbo x fem!thorin

warnings: I just want to give a little warning for themes like sexism, misogyny etc. I also just want to say that there is unintentional misgendering on the part of the female dwarves. I want to clarify that in this fic, the gender-swapped dwarves are all cisgender, and the dwarves perpetuate the idea that they’re all male when they’re in the company of outsiders (but I still thought it worth mentioning just in case this could trigger someone ❤️)

word count: 3135

Bilba Baggins shifted uncomfortably on her pony. She still wasn’t used to riding Myrtle, and she certainly wasn’t used to life on the road. The Company had only been travelling for a week and a half, but the female Hobbit already found herself missing her bed and her armchair and her bookshelf and her pantry. Despite her sore behind and empty stomach, Bilba was glad to be with Thorin and his company of dwarves, and the Hobbit was proud to join them on their quest to reclaim their homeland.

When Bilba looked ahead to the horizon she noticed with some surprise that the sky was getting dark. Well, that explained the relative quiet – the dwarves were always less rowdy when they were hungry and ready to rest for the night, though she highly doubted that any of them ever felt as bone-shatteringly exhausted at the end of the day as she did. Her gaze shifted from the skyline to the two dwarves riding in front of her, and Bilba smiled to herself as she thought back to when the dwarves had first tumbled into her Smial.

Bilba collapsed against the inside of her front door as soon as she’d shut it. A sigh escaped her as she dropped the heavy basket she’d been carrying on the floor. The only thing that had given her enough strength to stay at the market long enough to complete all her shopping had been Gandalf’s promise of strange guests to her Smial that night. Gandalf. She’d hardly recognised him at first, but she knew he’d been her mother’s close friend, and it was nice to see him again after such a long time. Even if her memories of him were a little faded.

A groan left her lips as she pushed herself off the door and bent down to pick up her basket once again, and despite her best efforts to keep her mind blank she began to replay the interactions she’d had at the market that day.

“My dearest Bilba-”

“I’ve already asked you not to call me that.”

They continued, unperturbed.

“My dearest Bilba, you haven’t invited me to dinner yet, and I-”

“Please, call me Mistress Baggins.”

“- I would be most disappointed if you didn’t.”

There was a short silence, and Bilba, desperate to be left alone with her shopping, had decided to swallow her pride for the sake of peace.

“Y-yes, well… I’m sorry, I’ve been busy.”

He seemed – regrettably – highly encouraged by her lack of scathing denial, and seemed to think her reply somehow invited further conversation.

“Ah, my dear, I understand. You must have so much to do without a man about Bag End, but never you fear! I am sure the situation will be sorted soon.”

Bilba blinked owlishly at him. He apparently thought he was being charming. She clutched her basket tighter, knuckles whitening, and could not help but feel repulsed.

“Right… well, forgive me, but I must be getting on. My pantry is rather bare.”

“Of course! It is admirable that you take your womanly duties so seriously. Good day, Bilba!”

An invitation to a private meal; the first stage in Hobbit courting where the one being courted reciprocated the attentions they were being shown. Apparently, a long time ago, the courting hadn’t been gender-specific, but now the cooking of the private meal was entirely the domain of female hobbits.

“Disgraceful, is what it is.” Bilba muttered to herself as she shuffled to her pantry to put away her purchases.

Bilba had been approached by no less than three male Hobbits at the market asking when they would be invited over to Bag End of an evening. A fourth had approached in an attempt to present her with a frankly gaudy bouquet of flowers that she’d artfully dodged. As if that hadn’t been enough, she’d also received near countless comments from older, married Hobbits – both male and female alike – telling her how lucky she was at her time of life to have so many suitors, but that she’d better not wait too long to finally accept one. The biological clock was ticking, and all that.

Those were the comments that really got under her skin. Bilba was no fool. She knew that most eligible female Hobbits were married by the time they reached forty. Bilba had already reached fifty. Still, she didn’t think that gave anyone the right to comment on the apparent lack of use she was making of her womb. Just because having children was the done thing didn’t mean that she had any intention of doing it. Still, it was safer to let them think what they would, and say what they wanted with no corrections. The longer they all believed she actually wanted to mother children, the longer they’d believe she actually had any interest in marrying – which she did not. In fact, Bilba Baggins had no interest in men at all.

Bilba reached the pantry, and she scowled as she set the food out on the correct shelves. There was another reason, she knew, as to why at 50 she still had so many eager suitors – other than the love they all professed to feel. Bilba was a Baggins. The Baggins of Bag End, and that came with reputation, social status, and wealth, which no doubt all of her suitors couldn’t wait to get their grubby little hands on.

Yes, Bilba thought, hands on hips, I think I should like an adventure very much. Anything to get away from The Shire for a time.

Four hours later, her first guest arrived. A dwarf? Gandalf hadn’t mentioned anything about dwarves. Still, she welcomed this ‘Dwalin’ as politely as she could. He was eyeing her up, like he wasn’t sure what to make of her, but when she led him through to the dining room – where the table was laden with a spread fit for a Hobbit feast – his standoffish aura had completely melted away.

Eleven more showed up in quick succession, and when Gandalf greeted her she’d jokingly told him he was lucky his companions were arriving under the cover of darkness.

“I’m not sure I’d be quite able to explain away the scandal if my neighbours caught sight of twelve male dwarves turning up on my doorstep.”

Some of the dwarves exchanged looks at that, which she caught but didn’t understand. Perhaps dwarven culture was so different that they didn’t understand why there would possibly be a scandal.

Bilba hung back a little as the dwarves in her home ate, drank, and talked rather boisterously. She didn’t begrudge them their merriment, in fact she enjoyed watching so many people so happy all together, but it was a little too much for her to take when she’d essentially been living in self-imposed isolation since her parents had passed.

Rather lost in her thoughts, Bilba didn’t immediately register that there had been yet another knock on her door. The sudden, startling silence of her present company dragged her back to reality, and when Gandalf helpfully – albeit rather dramatically – announced ‘he is here’ she was able to infer that there was someone at the door and she went to open it.

The door swung open and oh, but if that wasn’t the most glorious mane of dark and silver hair she’d ever set eyes upon. Bilba could hardly be surprised by the more than slightly disappointed twist in her stomach when one of the younger-looking dwarves yelled ‘uncle’ from behind her.

So this is also a male dwarf. She was disappointed, but made sure to keep her expression clear. It wouldn’t do to accidentally offend her guest just because she’d hoped he might actually be a female dwarf.

As Bilba stepped aside to allow her newest guest to enter, she remembered what she’d been told about female dwarves - that for other races they were sometimes considered indistinguishable from men, as both men and women grew facial hair. It occurred to the Hobbit that she should not have assumed all her guests were male, but then again none of them had corrected her, and she had also overheard them all calling each other ‘he’ and ‘brother’. It seemed she’d been spared the embarrassment of mistaking their gender, for which she silently sent a prayer of thanks to her Lady Yavanna.

This new dwarf ignored the call of what must be his nephew and passed through the doorway into Bag End, addressing Gandalf first before anyone – which Bilba found rather rude, as she was the host, and therefore was owed an introduction.

“Gandalf. I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice. Wouldn’t’ve found it at all had it not been for that mark on the door.”

Bilba was struck by his words, and instantly rose to the defence of her home as any self-respecting Hobbit would.

“Ma- There’s no mark on that door. It was painted a week ago!”

“There is a mark, I put it there myself.”

She turned to look at Gandalf, mouth hanging open for a moment. In her stunned silence, Gandalf snatched the opportunity to introduce her to her guest, the sneak, for he knew she would not risk being impolite to a stranger. Still, she would definitely be having words with Gandalf when she got the chance, very strong words in fact, about why you should never deface the door of a Hobbit Hole… or any door for that matter! A wizard should certainly know better!

“Bilba Baggins. Allow me to introduce the leader of our company, Thorin Oakenshield.”

“So, this is the Hobbit.”

Dear lord, Bilba thanked the stars this dwarf was male, for she would surely otherwise have swooned under the intensity of that gaze… and he called her ‘Hobbit’! She was used to hearing tell of outsiders only knowing to use the word ‘Halfling’, unaware of quite how rude they were being. She was rather glad she wouldn’t have to correct him.

Then, unfortunately, the dwarf had to go and ruin her first impression by thoroughly intimidating and interrogating her, even going as far as walking around her in a slow circle – the nerve – and then he and his company completely ignored her! They were in her home. She had prepared a feast for them, the least she deserved was the typical respect shown to a hostess. Honestly, if she wasn’t so desperate to leave The Shire, and if they didn’t come with Gandalf’s personal recommendation, she would’ve been seriously reconsidering accompanying them on whatever little adventure they were going on.

Bilba avoided them for a little while, allowing their apparent leader to settle in and eat his fill. She finally re-joined them when they started talking about their quest, although she stayed hovering behind Gandalf and not actually sitting down with them at the table. Not that there were any free seats left for her, had she decided she wanted to.

It was all very dramatic, especially when Gandalf somehow pulled an old key from who knows where. She knew she should’ve been paying more attention to what exactly was being said, but it was a little difficult when she felt so thoroughly excluded from the conversation. Still, one sentence stuck out to her more than most, and she found herself answering it without thinking.

“That’s why we need a burglar.”

“Hmm. A good one, too. An expert, I’d imagine.”

“And are you?”

Bilba physically turned to look behind her at that, because this dwarf couldn’t possibly be implying that she, Bilba Baggins, was a burglar.

“Am I what?” She asked, giving this ungrateful guest a chance to explain himself, for she was nothing but civil and she was determined to remain so.

Unfortunately, another dwarf who – bless him – had an ear trumpet and therefore could not be blamed for his confusion, cried out in gladness.

“She said she’s an expert!”

Bilba had to set things straight.

“Me? N-no, no no no no, I’m not a burglar. I’ve never stolen a thing in my life!”

Unless you counted the conkers she’d taken from someone else’s garden at age 18 and never been blamed for, or the last cookie from her mother’s plate when she was 20 – which her father had been blamed for, at least initially – or the poor flowers that Lobelia had planted in her front garden in entirely the wrong place. The sweet things were never going to survive like that, Bilba was merely rescuing them…. well, perhaps she had stolen a few things, but never anything substantial, and she certainly wanted these strangers to know it. What fantastical lies had Gandalf been feeding them about her?

Balin – she remembered his name because he had been one of the more polite members of the party - seemed disappointed.

“I’m afraid I have to agree with Miss Baggins, she’s hardly burglar material.”

Well now, that should have been a compliment… so why did it sound like the reverse?

Another dwarf, Dwalin, spoke next. She remembered his name only because he had been the first to show up at her door.

“Ay, the wild is no place for gentle folk who can neither fight nor fend for themselves.”

Bilba felt suddenly cold. Was her place on their adventure only secure if she was to be their burglar? Would they leave her behind now they knew she wasn’t? The dwarves around the table started bickering amongst themselves, and Bilba could not catch a word any of them were saying. She had no idea what to do, but it seemed that Gandalf did. The room darkened suddenly and Gandalf – already so much taller than everyone present – seemed to grow taller still.

“Enough! If I say Bilba Baggins is a Burglar, then a Burglar she is!”

Whatever strange power he had called upon melted away once he had everyone’s attention, but still he continued, and Bilba had to admit his reasoning did make sense as to why a Hobbit would be a good choice, which meant his reasoning for choosing her was also sensible, as she very much doubted that Gandalf would easily find another Hobbit who would even consider going on an adventure.

“Hobbits are remarkably light on their feet. In fact, they can pass unseen by most, if they choose. And while the Dragon is accustomed to the smell of dwarf, the scent of Hobbit is all but unknown to him, which gives us a distinct advantage. You asked me to find the fourteenth member of this company, and I have chosen Miss Baggins. There is a lot more to her than appearances suggest.”

Once again that evening what should have been a compliment felt like an insult, and Bilba was rather beginning to dislike the manners of her present company, Gandalf included. She was still seething about the mark on her freshly painted door.

“And she’s got a great deal more to offer than any of you know!”

Well, that was more like a true compliment. Perhaps Bilba could endeavour to forgive the wizard. In time.

“Including herself.”

No, he had once again disgraced himself. How dare he? He had no idea the strength she had to possess to get through even a single day in The Shire whilst trying to be true to who she was. Bilba Baggins knew her own worth, thank you very much.

“You must trust me on this.”

Bilba looked from Gandalf to Thorin, who seemed to be weighing the wizard’s words carefully. After a pause, he leant back in his chair and shook his head once.

“No Gandalf. I will not be responsible for Miss Baggins in the wild. She has no experience, no skill with a blade or with burglary. I do not want her death on my hands, for die she surely will. She will be of no use to us, we must find some other burglar for our quest.”

Bilba’s mouth hung open, and she stared at the back of Thorin’s head in stunned silence for just long enough that he had settled his position in his chair again and seemed to be preparing to move on to another topic when she finally found her voice.

“How dare you?”

Her first words were barely louder than a whisper, but the outrage they bore carried across the room. Every dwarf turned to look at her.

“Did you not hear everything Gandalf has said? You need a Hobbit, and you won’t find another willing to go with you, that I can guarantee.”

Bilba’s eyes glanced to Gandalf, who was looking at her with an amused twinkle in his eyes, which only served to irritate her further. He shouldn’t find amusement in her distress, the nerve of it.

“I could be of great use to you, not that you’ve bothered to find out anything about me other than that I have a well-stocked pantry!”

Some of the dwarves already looked vaguely chastised as she stared them down, hands moving to her hips, but she was by no means done. Bilba finally had an outlet for all of the aggravation she’d built up over the course of the day, and by golly she was going to let them have it all.

“I have taught myself many things here with my father’s books! I can speak and read Sindarin, I can heal many different ailments, I am a very learned Hobbit! But perhaps this will make you want to take me even less! I have heard it all, had all the old quotes used against me by family members who expected me to have mothered at least 4 young Hobbits by now; ‘when a woman has scholarly inclinations there is usually something wrong with her sexual organs.’ I’ve caught aunts trying to smuggle away some of my father’s books to prevent my learning!”

(side note, that’s a quote from Friedrich Nietzsche. I’m serious.)

She paused to catch her breath, which had quickened both from her anger and from her rapidity of speech.

“I refuse to stay in The Shire to suffer more and more unwanted offers of marriage from Hobbit men I have no intention of accepting. I refuse to limit my experiences as I am expected simply because I am in possession of a womb. If you will not accept me as one of you, I shall be coming along anyway, for I’m sure Gandalf will be accompanying you, and I shall be accompanying Gandalf!”

Her eye’s met Thorin’s, and her anger threatened to crumble and give way to embarrassment at her own outburst, but she held her ground. After a moment of silence, Thorin seemed to smile very slightly, which confused her somewhat.

“Give her a contract.” Forever Tags: @sweeticedtea @cd1242 @strongandfreedc @pixierox101 @jotink78 @luna-xial @underthemoon-n Thorin Tags: @dark-angel-is-back