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#this whole side of social media just feels like one more measure of my failure as a person
marianarira · 3 years
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How Art Challenges Made Me a Better Artist
(Watch the YouTube video!)
There are tons of different art challenges; I think there's a popular challenge every month—Inktober, plain airpril, creatuanuary, huevember, mermay, to name a few. Usually, influencer artists start a challenge with a hashtag. And it spreads throughout the community.
Participating in art challenges has become almost a norm, especially in recent years. And there are benefits in doing so: 
You become part of the artists' community. 
If your work is good enough, you can have exposure and grow your audience. 
You can experiment and try new things.
And last but not least, you have fun. 
They are also supposed to encourage people to draw every day and become better artists by improving their skills. (I'm not sure about this one, but I'll get back to it later.)
On the opposite side, I've seen artists, even professional ones, resist participating in these hashtag art challenges. So let's look at the disadvantages: 
There's pressure to draw every day, and if you skip one, then there's a feeling of failure.
There's also a direct comparison with amazing artists, and for some of us, that can be discouraging. 
Another negative I've seen recently is the obsession with getting followers and growing an audience. Of course, I understand the interest in that; we all want an audience. Still, I've seen artists, beginners especially, focusing on the followers more than on their drawing skills.
I think the most significant disadvantage, and this is something that happens to me, so I know this by experience. Is that, I would prepare myself to draw daily for one month. I would accomplish the 30 or 31 drawings and be happy with my results, but then, when the challenge was over, I wouldn't draw. Instead of being constant with my practice and growth, I would grind during that particular month and never grind the same for the rest of the year. I was treating drawing as a sprint when it's a marathon.
Looking at the "improving your skills" benefit and the disadvantages. I think there are better ways to improve and be a better artist. Don't get me wrong, the act alone of drawing every day will make you progress. It's just that I don't think these particular challenges are very beginner-friendly. 
Introduciiiiing the "Make Your Own Personal Challenge"... Challenge!
Anybody can create their own challenge, and you can choose to share or not your results on social media. You don't need to be a professional artist, you don't need to be popular, and your challenge can be whatever you want. For example, look at this Haikyuu themed challenge. So just like you can make a challenge to satisfy your love for an IP and draw fan-arts during a month. You can also make a personal challenge to focus on improving what you want and need. 
That's what I did on my Drawing Leveling Up challenge. I don't intend for other artists to follow it. It doesn't have a theme; it's not a hashtag with prompts. When I started it, I had no idea where it was going. If you see the videos, you'll notice that I change my mind from one day to the next. I just wanted to improve my anatomy drawing, and I wanted to do it as fast as possible. Committing to a challenge was the best way I found to force myself to study daily.
I want to show you the challenge an animator did: zoray99 on Instagram.  They uploaded a daily animation exercise throughout a whole year. It was rough, focused on learning and improving. Look how simple this day's animation is, they wanted to really understand what was happening here.  Doing that for a whole year is impressive, and I'm guessing Zoray feels satisfied with the achievement, but more importantly, how much they learned. 
So if you're a beginner artist and the well-known hashtag art challenges overwhelm you, you can create your challenge to improve at your own pace. You only have to set up doable boundaries:
The first you need is a time limit; this is important because the ending and objective are not clear without a time limit, affecting your commitment and confidence. For a daily challenge, a month would be ideal. But you can also choose to draw every other day instead of daily. You can also say something like, "I'll draw daily on this sketchbook with a 15-minute time limit until I finish it." Those boundaries are helpful because maybe you don't have a lot of time to spend on drawing.
Another useful boundary is a prompt list. Sometimes we spend more time thinking about what to draw than drawing. If you want to evolve as an artist, I recommend following a book and study from it. Or you can focus on a specific study subject you want to improve, like "sketching backgrounds for 15 days". 
Another thing is that, for hashtag challenges, most of us try to make finished illustrations with ink and color and everything. So you can also determine how far you want to go with each drawing, simple sketches, ink, and painting? You decide.
My personal challenge's boundaries were: drawing daily for 30 days following the lessons and tutorials of artists on youtube. That way, I didn't have to think about what to draw, the "prompts" were their videos, and also, my sketches didn't even need to be clean. This challenge's purpose was to study.
The best part is that you control your challenge and improvement. If there are things you struggle with, you can repeat and practice them more. You can also slowly increase the difficulty. That's what I did when I implemented the animated anatomy studies. 
With a personal challenge, you can focus on self-growth. And leave the hashtag challenges to have fun, experiment, and be part of the community.
Ok, but does making a personal challenge help you improve? Mine finished on May 30. Am I a better artist now?
To measure my drawing improvement, I made some life drawing exercises in "class" format, and then without a time limit, I drew some poses from my imagination. Comparing them to day 11 and day 16 of my challenge, I think I improved a little, drawing-wise speaking. 
The biggest difference is not in my skills, though. It's in my mindset. I feel the challenge made me feel better while drawing. I feel less stressed and with more confidence. I am still doing the anatomy animations I started on day 21, even though the daily challenge ended. So it also gave me the boost I needed to keep grinding forward. Like a marathon, not a sprint. And that's what matters the most. 
If you feel artistically stuck, or you're not enjoying drawing as much as you once did, or you want to polish your skills or learn something new, you can make a personal challenge and focus it on self-improvement. It's hugely motivating for other artists and me to see someone challenging themself, and coming out better. 
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hey so i'm hoping to get some writing advice about creative burnout? like i seem to write in fits and spurts. some months i can churn out a oneshot or chapter everyday and some months i can do one (1) creative thing only. so i'm wondering how to prevent creative burnout and how to just create more smoothly <3 thank you!
Creative Burnout & How To Ward Against It
First, I’d like to preface this all by saying you’re definitely not alone. You probably already know this, but sometimes it’s nice to be reminded.
I know from personal experience that creative burnout can leave you feeling hopeless, detached from yourself—the kind of identity crisis no one needs in 2020. 
So buckle in, folks. It’s a dosy.
I. The Symptoms
Not to be the local WebMD page here, but signs of burnout can include:
Procrastination (more than usual)
Dreading writing and feeling stuck or overly perfectionistic when you try
Physical tiredness and/or irritability
Feeling like everything is monotonous
It’s more than just writer’s block. It’s a physical and emotional exhaustion response to something that goes deeper than a simple lack of inspiration. In my experience, and from a bit of research, I’ve found that what your brain is really looking for is dopamine.
Dopamine is essentially your brain’s chemical reward system for doing something interesting or exciting to you. As someone who is diagnosed with ADHD, I have chronically low levels of dopamine, so this is a constant struggle for me—but it is absolutely made worse by creative burnout.
II. The Problem
Studies have shown that the more we do A Thing the less that thing will give us dopamine (unless a component of the activity changes regularly). This is because eventually our brains desensitise to the stimuli provided by the activity, and subsequently, we become disengaged.
But it’s not necessarily The Thing (i.e. writing) that becomes boring. Actually, more than a few factors could be at play here, and the first step to finding a solution is to identify the problem.
1. ENVIRONMENT LACKS EXCITEMENT/CHANGE—
Sometimes, the monotony of everyday life can feed creative burnout. This becomes especially applicable in quarantine when you’re not leaving your house.
What we don’t realise is that even something as small as the variables of driving to and from work, or interacting with passing coworkers, gives us dopamine. So if you have the same routine every day that does not involve any added variables, your brain will begin staunching that dopamine supply.
2. EITHER TOO EASY OR TOO CHALLENGING—
In 1975, Hungarian-American psychologist, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, coined the term “flow”, which refers to a heightened state of creativity and concentration on an activity. Csikszentmihalyi posited that if your skill level is equal to the level of challenge in any given activity, you will experience this state of flow.
The chart below is taken from Csikszentmihalyi’s own study on the subject of flow and motivation. It examines “your skill level” on the x axis in relation to the “challenge level” on the y axis.
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Essentially:
Too much challenge + not enough skill = anxiety, worry (which might lead to procrastination and perfectionism)
Too much skill + not enough challenge = boredom, apathy (which might lead to monotony, irritability, and other depression-like symptoms)
Skill level = Challenge level = Flow
3. NOT ENOUGH “ACTIVE” STIMULATION—
When it comes to dopamine seeking, there is a distinct difference between active and passive stimulation in the brain.
Active stimulation is any form of activity that you have to actively engage in. For instance; exercising, doing a crossword puzzle, or reading a book. These kinds of activities not only give you dopamine, they also facilitate critical thinking and problem solving thought processes, which act as catalysts for creativity.
Passive stimulation, on the other hand, comes in the form of television, social media, and YouTube. It’s anything you can consume without having to actively engage. Passive stimulation will indeed give your brain dopamine, however, it won’t activate your creativity.
The problem also lies in the speed at which you receive the dopamine from passive activities. Passive stimulation is so easy to access that the more you consume, the harder it becomes to pick up active stimulation. Your brain expects a hit of dopamine just by picking up a phone or turning on the TV—it becomes addicted to the quick fix of a Netflix binge.
III. The Solutions
Based on the problems mentioned above, I am going to list a few solutions. Keeping in mind that not every solution will work for everyone, these can act as both preventative measures and remedies for someone who is currently burned out.
1. CHANGE UP YOUR ENVIRONMENT/ROUTINE—
Aim to do at least one thing per day that will add “variables” to the monotony. This can be as simple as going on a long walk, dressing up in that bold outfit you always wanted to wear to the office but never did, or sitting at a different workspace in your home.
Anything you can do that’s simple, but might provide an extra variable to your day to spice things up. Note: this shouldn’t be the same thing every day.
2. CHALLENGE YOURSELF MORE—
If you find yourself bored by your work, try challenging yourself more. This could mean setting goals for yourself that go a bit beyond what you’ve been doing. 
For example, if you’ve been writing 500 words per day, see if you can beat your own word count every day for the next week. If you’ve been writing mainly fluff pieces, switch it up and do an angst piece. See if you can write a book in a month, or start a blog where you don’t write fiction at all!
Anything you can do to add a little kick to your workload. Note: Beware of challenging yourself too much! This can lead straight back into burnout.
3. CHALLENGE YOURSELF LESS—
If you’re on the flip side of that coin, and find that you are anxious, procrastinating, and perfectionistic when it comes to writing, fret not. Just because you’re experiencing any of these things, doesn’t mean you’re incapable of doing the job with your skillset.
It just means your perception of the job needs to be shifted.
Procrastination, at its heart, is a fear of failure, which results in actively avoiding the negative emotions associated with the task that causes this fear. Perfectionism is a type of procrastination that is a combination of a fear of failure and a fear of success (or, more accurately, other’s critiques of your success) all at once.
Neither have anything to do with your actual skillset, but they have everything to do with your perception of your skillset. Obviously, this is a harder thing to fix, as it has to do with deeply ingrained levels of self-esteem.
What I can offer you is a tactic to trick your mind into thinking you’re capable.
If you have a task, big or small, and you are feeling overwhelmed by it (like you might go curl up in bed and scroll Tumblr), immediately break that task up into smaller tasks. Keep breaking up the smaller tasks until you have the smallest possible part of the bigger task without doing nothing.
Then do that smallest possible thing.
If your goal is to write a 2000 word one shot, a small part of that task is writing half of it. An even smaller part of that task is breaking the one shot up into “scenes” and writing one scene. For instance:
Jude wakes up to a sore throat, a runny nose, and a fever.
She tries to go to work, but Cardan, being the mother hen that he is, threatens to never make her another grilled cheese sandwich (her favourite food) ever again if she doesn’t stay home.
Jude agrees begrudgingly, and Cardan sits her down in front of the TV with a bottle of Gatorade. He leaves to go get medicine from the store.
When Cardan comes back, Jude is worse than before. He makes her soup and saltine crackers and spoon feeds her.
She complains the whole time and, in her feverish state, threatens to never buy him another bottle of wine (his favourite food) ever again if he doesn’t let her feed herself.
Each bullet point represents one “scene” of about 200-400 words each. Obviously, there will be more details that you work out as you write. But with these five smaller scenes, your goal is no longer writing the 2000 word one shot. Your goal is writing the first of the five scenes.
If you complete the smallest possible task, you can stop, and you’ll still feel like you’ve accomplished something because you can cross off that task from your list. But chances are, by the time you cross off one task, you may have inspiration enough to keep going.
4. ENGAGE IN ACTIVE STIMULATION—
Since active stimulation has been proven to turn on the creative “tap”, try incorporating more of these activities into your daily routine:
Exercise: As the resident couch potato, I hate to say that exercising is good for creativity, but it is. Even if it’s just going on a short walk, so long as you’re moving.
Reading: Sometimes you have plenty of ideas, but no words to fit those ideas. Fill your well of words by carving out an hour or two each day for reading a good book.
The Creative Process: In the writing world, the creative process is a process of about 20-30 minutes that the writer partakes in every day before they start writing. This process should be creative, but also have nothing to do with writing. You can try colouring in a colouring book, painting, organising a page in your bullet journal. Anything that is creative but does not make you think about everything you have to do that day. Think of it as creative meditation.
Listen to music: Having APD, I personally can’t listen to music while I write. However, studies have shown that if you listen to at least ten songs per day, it will significantly benefit your dopamine levels and overall mood. If you’re like me and prefer to work in silence, maybe stick on a couple songs during your creative process. If you can manage music and writing together, get out those headphones!
5. KEEP A REGULAR SCHEDULE—
I know this is the most cliche point in the book, but it’s valid. This doesn’t mean do the same thing at the same time every day over and over, because ultimately we’re looking to avoid monotony. 
But having pillars of structure to bolster the excitement can definitely work to keep you from slipping into burnout. Going to sleep, waking up, and having your meals at relatively the same time every day are good examples of this. 
Feel free to change up the things you do between breakfast and lunch, but make sure you have those pillars of consistency so your brain knows that a break is on the horizon and doesn’t get tired.
6. PACE YOURSELF—
This is particularly difficult for those of us who are coming out of a creative burnout, but I urge you to pay special attention to this one. If we are suddenly hit by inspiration and the writing is flowing and flowing and flowing, eventually we will hit the point of highest dopamine capacity for writing.
Not putting a check on the flood of inspiration coming out of a creative burnout, I’d argue, is actually a guarantee that many of us will experience burnout all over again. It becomes this vicious cycle in which we are trapped.
While it feels great to write non-stop and receive immediate validation for that work, try to limit yourself to how much you’re writing and how immediately you post your writing (if you plan on posting it).
Whenever I finish a one shot or a chapter of something, I like to allow at least one day for editing before I post. This timeframe is important, because it acts as a buffer of rest between writing marathons. 
You can take however long you need for the editing process, but definitely make sure you have a set amount of time in place. Otherwise, your brain might not have enough time to come down from what is essentially a writing high, and you will always need to reach greater heights in order to achieve that same level of dopamine.
~~~~
Overall, the most important things to take away from all of this are: 
Change up your environment
Keep your brain actively stimulated 
Have pillars of structure between which you can run about chaotically to your heart’s content
PACE YOURSELF!
Hope this helped. Happy writing!
-Em 🖤🗡
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ill-will-editions · 4 years
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FEVER DREAMING IN THE NEW GENERAL ANTAGONISM 
Neal Miller 
March 22, 2020
We are living in the political fever dreams of COVID-19. Fredric Jameson’s oft-cited quip – “it is easier to imagine the end of the world than it is to imagine the end of capitalism” – is obsolete.[1]  Having spread across the globe, the coronavirus has become the background phenomenon and concern of every passing moment. And along with it has come the imagination of an end of capitalism. However contagious and deadly COVID-19 is as a virus, its existence as the virtual object of the world’s attention and inattention has proven far more viral in its capacity to change society – mostly by cancelling our sensibility for realism. The dull weight of the everyday has lifted to unleash nightmares and dreamscapes that have magnetized the attention of our species with a measure of universality thought to be obsolete in our post-hegemonic world.
The continuous streams of news and commentary can hardly keep up with the latest collapse of everyday life. They give us the mise en scène in which to play the endangered protagonist of a canned Hollywood disaster flic and yet we’re told to stay home, keep calm, and practice good hygiene. Stories like the one about the recent missile strikes in Iraq are quickly phone-scrolled into oblivion by the latest notifications about the disease. And so we find ourselves reawakening with disbelief to the same new reality each day. 
Following Michel Foucault’s Discipline & Punish, one might say that we live our reality as though caught between two fever dreams, which alternate depending on the nature of the immune response to the virtual presence of the virus. On the one hand, there is the suffocating nightmare of the global “plague city,” of governments securing human “life” by identifying all bodily movement and contact with disorder and death. The dream of governments today is to “return” us to a new normal in which they have won surpluses of legitimacy and control. The other dream is a dream of upheaval that won’t let go of all the vital signs of freedom amidst the pandemic. It wants to make irreversible all of the revived forms of class war, mutual aid, and social welfare, along with all of the autonomous means of survival not yet invented. 
The general antagonism today is the war on COVID-19. And whether we like it or not, we have been enlisted to the immune systems of global humanity. Yet the politics of today concerns the decision before us. Will our collective immune response intensify our cynicism about our dependency on governments? Or will we experiment with novel forms of relief and this newfound disbelief in the black magic of the economy? Will we dare to play in the festival-dream of new forms of collective life and reliance upon one another? 
The Nightmare of Governmental Realism
Today, quarantine lockdown extends from the “non-essential” flows of commuters to the fluids and gestures of our bodies, which have become paranoid colonial-style occupations of themselves. My body experiences itself as if on the other side of a gulf of unhygienic habits cracked open by the virtual omnipresence of COVID-19: I catch myself touching my face, I catalog the surfaces I’ve recently touched, and my proximity to others spontaneously triggers a quantitative calculation (“was it a distance of six feet or ten that was recommended?”). The new universal phenomenon is the object of a panicked consciousness immersed in a world that has been reduced to the medium for a disease vector. 
As for the engineers of the new order, China and Israel represent the nightmare line toward the most grim extreme of plague politics. Both have employed the metadata of people’s smart-phones to track their movements and all points of social contact. Each new case is a profile whose recent social history is rounded up for quarantine. The horizon here would be something like Chris Marker’s film La jetée (or Terry Gilliam’s remake, 12 Monkeys): humanity survives, but at the cost of complete imprisonment and dependency upon a specialized medical government.
We glimpse this suffocating nightmare in the undecidable decision facing governments with respect to their incarcerated populations: do they relieve themselves of having to manage and care for their masses of concentrated and confined bodies? Or, do they give the prison guards and wardens a blank check to administer order by any means necessary? Whereas Iran temporarily released 54,000 prisoners on March 4th, two weeks later Massachusetts prisoners lost the right to be free of cruel and unusual punishment when a moratorium was announced on all disciplinary measures for prison staff. The undecidability here is no doubt due to the intensification of what Foucault called the carceral continuum, or the fact that the “inside” of the prison extends “outside” into the racialized ghettos of urban metropolises. The quarantine regime of social distancing and “shelter in place” lockdowns has turned the “outside” into a vast space of confinement, however gilded. 
The Festival Dream of Relief
Against this new confinement, efforts at self-organization are cropping up all over in food distribution networks, rent strikes, requisitions of abandoned housing, and calls for debt jubilees. Such earnest efforts at organized care finds its parodic inversion in the devil-may-care attitudes of Spring Breakers migrating South, as well as paranoid social media speculation about riots breaking out amidst mass hoarding. All of it tracks with what Foucault called the “whole literary fiction of the festival [that] grew up around the plague.”[2] 
Things we struggled for only weeks ago have been given outright – and much more besides. In the U.S., conservative food stamp policies have been lifted, unemployment safety nets reinforced, moratoriums on various costs of living instituted, and political parties are fighting not over whether to give UBI, but how much. Those immunized in their home-bubbles are offered an increasing amount of freely circulating intellectual property, while, in Chicago, parking has been made free, evictions courts are on hold, and utility companies are giving away electricity.
The black magic of the economy has revealed itself in its very withdrawal from our lives, tempering our panic and fear with a small modicum of relief. As Dan Kois recently argued, this relief has shown just how much of American society and its ‘death on the installment plan’ is a sham.[3] The mask has come off and the wand behind the conjurations now appears in the simple arbitrariness of its operations. Why don’t all of the other ways we get sick, fear hunger, or struggle to stay afloat count as reasons for having free access to high-quality food, health-care, and shelter? If all it took was a wand waving to put a stop to bills, evictions, and the like, does this not make all of our sufferings and hardships under normal circumstances seem meaningless?  
Just as we let out our sighs, however, the nightmare visions from abroad come closer and remind us that the only continuity between what was once normal and the current state of exception is the power of governments based on our dependency. We feel this dependency whether we panic or not, whether we trust their assurances and injunctions not to hoard or whether the sight of emptied shelves floods our heads with visions of the broken supply chains and interrupted logistics that we rely on to eat. As Chuang rightly noted, the arrival of COVID-19 in Wuhan induced a paradoxical form of general strike: there is a profound work stoppage, but it is hollowed out and devoid of any subject of history. The subject of history: not even the coronavirus can assume this mantle. Our continued dependency makes the strike false.
Yet one cannot help but read the ‘New Deal’ on offer as a symptom of faltering government legitimacy and the fits of market confidence. In the U.S., the government is betting that an avalanche of compromises with Democrats will cover over the truther-response of the Trump administration and the stock sell-offs of Senate Republicans. As belief in the forces of order goes into convulsions, one thinks, ‘If they cannot guarantee our survival, all bets are off.’ As we take all these “gifts” coming down from on high, we ought to remember that the social welfare state of the 1930s New Deal was a warfare state. And what will become of our newfound alleviation without the invisible enemy that has, with its own magic, cancelled society?
A New Universal? 
On the brighter side of things, it’s worth observing that we have been given a hint to the riddle handed down from the failures of 20th century revolutionaries. For one fundamental limit of all struggles since the 1960s has been their scale. It has been a very long time since we’ve been able to think what might connect struggles happening all across the world. Despite being geographically dislocated from one another, the revolts of 2019 showed promise simply in their synchronic co-existence and their ability to repeat each others’ tactics under the maxim “Be water.” Yet not only were the problems at the heart of these struggles locally particular (despite their many commonalities), they were never able to flow together in a global strategy.
Against such a backdrop, COVID-19 portends a new universal frame of war. For however uneven the experience of vulnerability may be, the global spread of the coronavirus amounts to the generalization of the new antagonism. When was the last time we were able to share our experience of dependency on the world of governments as a crisis? The multi-generational time-scale of the climate catastrophe has so far prevented it from mobilizing all of the humanity that it dooms. Yet whether it is glowing from our screens or hanging in the ambient disquiet while we distract ourselves in quarantine, the new reality for everyone is that reality has fallen apart. 
In these fever dreams where trust in the authorities is in shorter supply than food and the means of punishment alternate between melting into air and locking down hard, it is perhaps possible to take the wand from the magician and begin conjuring a reality of our own. What is frightening about COVID-19 is how little we know about it. But just as uncertain is how governments will react to us amidst this legitimacy crisis and how peoples will respond when the repression of governments comes down too hard. 
How can we flee our dependency on the old world while “sheltering in place”? If the world is cancelled, what are all these bills, digital parking meters, and universities but the fossils and tombs of a dead world? What new uses can we still invent for what stands idle and unused around us – what role can they play in the new dream? How can we breathe new life into existing spaces of immunity, like vehicles and homes? And what new immunity spaces remain to be invented? What new forms of action at a distance are called for? We are already venturing tentative answers to these questions. We try to flow like water where we still can. However, against a virus that fills our lungs with fluid and against governments seeking to return us to the earth of realism, perhaps we should consider the element of breath, levity, relief, and jubilation: air. 
[1] Jameson, Fredric. “Future City.” New Left Review, 21, May-June 2003, 65-79.
[2] Foucault, Michel. Discipline and Punish. New York: Vintage, 1995, 197.
[3] Kois, Dan. “America Is a Sham.” Slate, March 14, 2020. https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2020/03/coronavirus-tsa-liquid-purell-paid-leave-rules.html  
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missmentelle · 5 years
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This might sound very silly but I just don't know how to be more proactive. I've been very passive all this years until this point where I feel like I can't anymore. I wish I could be more hardworking for the things I want but I get all overwhelmed and don't even know how other people have the energy or the motivation. People think Im just lazy. I don't have almost any skills let alone any that I can monetize, I feel like Im going to be a looser forever.
I think this is a problem that a lot of people - especially younger people - are struggling with right now. We want to achieve great things, and we feel like we should be achieving great things, but many of us are so paralyzed by doubt/anxiety/apathy/uncertainty that we have a hard time mustering up the motivation to run basic errands, let alone chase our dreams. I’ve certainly spent more than my fair share of time beating myself up for the countless days that I’ve fucked around on Reddit all day instead of actually achieving anything, even when I was fully aware that I was sabotaging my own dreams and goals by doing so. I just couldn’t always muster up the ability to care about the things I needed to be doing, even if there were dire consequences for not doing them. The good news is, there are definitely ways to overcome this issue, and reach a point where you are happier with your progress and your life. To get started, I recommend:
Decide what it is you actually want. Telling yourself to “be more proactive”, “work harder” or “have a better life” is not helpful if you don’t actually have specific goals that you’re working towards. It is very, very easy to find ways to be “busy” for 8 hours per day - but being busy doesn’t necessarily mean progress. Take some time, and think about some rough goals that you’d like to actually work towards. Don’t worry about how much work or effort it would be to achieve those goals, just start thinking about what you want in life, and what’s the most important to you. Think about the kind of life that you would like to have someday, and start figuring out the steps you need to take in order to get yourself from your current life to the life that you envision. It’s okay if those things are very far apart - the point is not for you to get overwhelmed, but for you to have something to be proactive about. 
Start slowly. You cannot go from “spending 8 hours per day mindlessly browsing the internet amidst a pile of old take-out containers” to “running 5 miles every morning before making art for 8 hours in a spotless apartment with a fridge full of vegetables” overnight. Trying to change your routine too drastically and too quickly will lead to you burning out in a couple of days and going right back to your old ways, with an added dose of self-hatred because you tried and failed. Trying to be more productive and more functional is a process, and a long one at that. It’s not at all unusual or abnormal to take several years of work before you get your life to where you want it to be. Start slow. Start with incredibly tiny changes, and slowly build up those changes over time. If you currently live on a diet of fast food and candy, and you want to be a shredded, clean-eating fitness guru, you can’t rush into that all at once. Start by swapping out full-sugar pop for diet pop for the first month, and trying to drink more water. That’s it. Don’t make any other changes. Then the second month, switch out diet pop for flavored water. And so on. Change only sticks when it’s gradual. 
Focus on one thing at a time. Again, trying to do too much, too soon is a recipe for fast burnout and self-hatred. Start by trying to change one area of your life, and one area of your life alone. Once you feel like you have a pretty solid handle on that part of your life and you have established some new habits, then you can add on a second area of focus. Spend some time, and really think about which area of your life is the most important for you to change, and which area of focus will improve your life the most. If it helps, envision your problems as rocks that you are carrying around in a backpack with you at all times. What’s the heaviest rock in your backpack? If you are overweight, unhappily single, making no progress building your YouTube channel and failing out of college, then your college grades are probably the thing causing you the most stress in your life, and they’re your most urgent concern - focus on that, and give yourself permission to let the rest of it sit on the back burner until you have boosted your GPA. Only then will you be ready to start changing something else. 
Go easy on yourself. I think one of the pitfalls that many young people face these days is that they absolutely crush themselves with unrealistic expectations of what they “should” be doing with their lives; it’s hard to get up the motivation to do anything when you’ve convinced yourself that the bare minimum for success is an impossible ideal. I have friends with master’s degrees who still consider themselves failures that haven’t done anything in life. Remember that you are not a machine. Even at your most successful and high-functional, you will not be perfect and productive 100% of the time. You will still have lazy days where you don’t get much done. You will still occasionally order takeout instead of making a home-cooked meal. You will still occasionally procrastinate. Don’t set yourself up for failure by comparing yourself to an unattainable ideal - just aim to be a slightly better version of what you are right now. 
Get used to tracking, even without making changes. It’s hard to set goals for improvement if you don’t have a solid idea of what you’re actually doing right now. Telling yourself things like “stop being so lazy and do more things” is setting yourself up for a spiral of self-loathing if you don’t actually track what you’re doing, because you won’t be able to see the small, gradual progress that you’re making. Being able to actually see yourself taking baby steps toward your goal is important for keeping you motivated, and keeping you from beating yourself up. Don’t track absolutely everything in your life - that becomes obsessive after a while - but keep an eye on some of the major things that you might want to change in the future. Install apps on your phone and laptop that track how much time you spend doing what. Set up the step tracker on your phone. If you want to eat better in the future, start tracking roughly what you eat now. I’m a pretty avid bullet journaler, I track a lot of my daily habits. Keeping track of the things you do, even if you’re not proud of them, and even before you start to work on them, gives you a baseline to work with, so you can establish how bad the problem is and see when you’re heading in the right direction. 
Forget the obsession with monetizing. A lot of us have gotten this idea in our heads that we need to find ways to monetize everything that we’re even remotely good at, or doing that thing is somehow a waste of our time. I don’t want to generalize about millennials and gen z too much, but I do feel like our generation was raised on the belief that “doing what you love” is the most important thing in life; I personally have many friends that are obsessed with monetizing, to the point that they no longer do anything unless they can find some way to funnel it into advancing their blogger/influencer/creator career. I think this is a mistake. When you monetize something that you love doing, you turn it from a hobby into a job, with all the stress that comes with that, and I think it’s important for everyone to have at least one thing in their life that they do just for the joy of it. It’s okay to let work be work, and play just be play. And I say this as a person who has monetized one of my hobbies; I love true crime and forensic psychology, and I co-host a true crime podcast that has recently had a huge surge of popularity and is on the cusp of being monetized. I could write an entire post about the mental health side of being a creator with a public online presence, but in a nutshell, turning my podcast from a hobby into a business has required me to take it a lot more seriously, and it now falls more into the category of “work” than it does “fun”. My enjoyment of life requires that some of my other hobbies - like playing music - just stay un-monetized hobbies. Let yourself create and do things that don’t have economic value. 
Don’t compare yourself to what you see on social media. I have had both personal friends and followers on this blog tell me that they feel bad about themselves because their life doesn’t measure up to what they see on Instagram, or because they feel that their own lives would not be worthy of posting online. This is a toxic mindset to get into. The things you see on social media are not reality, no matter how much they appear to be - people put incredible amounts of effort into carefully cultivating an online persona that makes them look more productive and accomplished than they actually are. I have a brother who who is a somewhat successful Instagram “influencer”, alongside his more successful girlfriend, and I could write an entire post about the lengths they go to to fake having perfect lives on Instagram, and the toll that their Insta careers are having on their mental health. If you are looking to be a more productive version of yourself, it’s best to steer clear of “motivation” from people who are paid to pretend to be successful online. 
Set measurable, achievable goals. Goals like “be healthier” and “do more stuff” won’t get you anywhere - they are so vague that it’s not possible to tell when you’ve actually achieved them, or how much progress you’ve made. If you want to be more productive and feel like you’re getting more done, you need to set goals that can actually be worked towards and checked off when they are done. Instead of “go to the gym more”, aim for “go to the gym 5 days per week” as your end goal, and start with a solid couple of months with “go to the gym at least once per week”, and slowly increase from there. If you’re aiming for something big like “have an awesome job”, break that down into medium-sized goals like “finish an undergrad degree”, and then break that goal down even further into “hand in all my assignments on time this semester”, and break that down further into “write the first 10 pages of my paper by the end of the week”. Set tiny goals for yourself that you can easily achieve, and that will gradually accumulate into big accomplishments. 
Remember that slow progress is better than no progress. If you write one sentence per day, it is going to take you a really long time to write a novel. It will take you a whole lot less time, however, than if you get overwhelmed at the thought of writing a novel and never write at all. Sometimes you need to break goals down into steps so small that they also seem not worth doing. It can feel a little silly to congratulate yourself for things like “brushed my teeth today” and “texted someone back today”, but those are little habits that add up into bigger things, and giving yourself that positive reinforcement is important. “Greatness” and “success” are not things you achieve all at once, they are made up of tiny habits that you’ve been working on for months or years at a time. 
Take care of your mental health. Not feeling the motivation to do anything, even things that you enjoy, can be a symptom of depression. Everyone beats themselves up from time to time for not being more productive, but if your brain is constantly on a feedback loop of “I’m human garbage and I’m wasting my life”, that’s a pretty serious problem, and a solid sign that it’s time to seek out some professional help. Trying to make major life improvements without addressing underlying mental health concerns is kind of like trying to drive a car without wheels - you’re just not going to get anywhere until you’ve dealt with the obvious problem. 
Remember that setbacks are okay. Even the most highly proactive and high-functioning people have days where they say “fuck it” and order takeout to eat in front of the TV. Everyone occasionally misses deadlines or leaves things to the last minute when they shouldn’t. Everyone shows up late occasionally. These things happen - we are humans, and none of us are perfect. The key to long-term proactivity and productivity, though, is not to let those small setbacks define you, and not to throw away all the progress you’ve made over a bad day or a bad week. Eating healthy six days per week will put you in a much better position than deciding “fuck it, I blew it” after one bad meal and returning to eating unhealthy meals 7 days per week. As the saying goes, don’t let perfect be the enemy of good - in other words, perfection is not attainable, and getting hung up on being perfect will prevent you from achieving many things that are good. The idea is not to be perfect; it’s just to keep striving to be a slightly better version of yourself. 
Best of luck to you!
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five-wow · 4 years
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Hi, I'm a fellow writer in the fandom and I admire your work. I wanted to ask, as a popular writer, do you get fixated sometimes on the number of kudos/comments/hits etc that your new work gets, and does this impact your motivation/inspiration? I think comparison is the thief of joy, and I really want to get over this feeling when I post my own work, so was wondering if even popular and regular writers such as yourself feel like this to, and if , what's your secret? Thanks!
Hi! 1) You are so sweet, ahh, and 2) YES, I DO. Gosh, yes, I absolutely do get insecure about those kinds of things, and I think that anyone who says they don't ever feel that way is either lying (to themselves, possibly) or maybe just pure magic, like some cross between a writer and a unicorn.
I love ao3 and I love all of its metrics and I love numbers and statistics, but there’s definitely that shadow side where having all of that easily available makes it deceptively easy to compare your own work to other people’s. I do it all the time! It honestly makes it a little hard for me at times to read h50 fic and fully enjoy it, because I keep... looking at it and wondering how my own stacks up against it, unwillingly. That's not a relaxing experience, and sometimes not even a very fun one. (Another part of it is that I just write SO MUCH for h50 and there is SO MUCH I still want to write, and I don’t want to risk reading something that’s very close to an idea I had and then never being quite sure if what I write after that was influenced by the other person’s work or if it’s really still my idea, because I have this (pretty irrational) fear of accidentally stealing someone else’s work even though one of the really great things about fandom is that it’s a very collaborative process as a whole and being inspired by other people’s stuff is usually totally okay, buuuut that’s a different rambly story.)
And I definitely do also get... some cringey feelings, hardcore, around fics I posted that don't do very well numbers-wise. Sometimes it's expected - fic that doesn't follow traditional formats or doesn't feature Steve/Danny, for example, is always something where I KNOW it won't get as much attention because I know how fandom works and that lessens the sting because it doesn't HAVE to hold up to those other fics that perform way better, because I already know it's not really comparable. The truth is, of course, that most fic is not really comparable to other fic, but it’s easy to fall into that trap anyway. If I post something that seems like my average kind of work and it gets less kudos or comments than usual, I do start to doubt the fic and second-guess myself - is something about this weird? Is it too [insert quality x]? Is it bad? Did I unknowingly do something terrible and people are now avoiding me? The answer to all of those is probably no, and going through it a bunch of times has definitely helped, because what usually happens is that I end up somewhat avoiding the fic in question because it makes me a little ashamed and awkward to think about it (a relative failure! oh no! I'm human!) and then, eventually, I return and reread the fic. By that point I have enough distance from it in time that I can look at it a lot more objectively, and it's way easier to see what works and what does not than when I posted it and I had just read it a dozen times in twenty-four hours and the words were burned into my brain. And upon that reread, inevitably, I realize that, holy shit, it was NOT AS BAD as I had made it out to be in my mind! It’s actually kind of fun! Imagine the ego boost of realizing your most cringy recent work is actually pretty okay, haha, and it's silly, but it's a revelation every time. The quality of a fic is not dictated by how many people read it or comment on it or like it, and intellectually I absolutely know that, but it’s hard to remember when it’s about yourself and you’re still in that emotionally vulnerable place of having just shared your work with the world and it feels like the world is not as into it as you thought (or hoped) it’d be. It’s honestly very, very reassuring to have those experiences to fall back on, but sadly the only way I know to get there is to just tough it out and feel super awkward for a while.
When I’m writing, on the other hand, I usually don’t really think about what other people might think of it. I have the advantage that (pretty much) all of my work consists of fairly short stand alone stories, which means I don’t have to struggle with keeping my motivation up for a second chapter of something but I get to start fresh every time, and that’s nice, because I can just lose myself in the joy of throwing words around and making characters do things that make me giggle. That’s not to say I never think of the outside world while writing - I realized, pretty recently, that I occasionally end up constructing paragraphs or pieces of dialogue a certain way mostly so it will make for a good excerpt to put in the eventual fic description, which might give me a sense of accomplishment because it’s nice when things work out and look good, but in all fairness it’s probably far more motivated by attempts to package the finished work attractively so other people will want to click on it than by anything else. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. I don’t think so - I don’t feel like it lessens my work and it doesn’t interrupt my enjoyment of it in the moment, which are the key elements for me - but other people might disagree.
But the heart of thing is, just, there are SO MANY factors that influence a fic’s numbers, and not all of them are visible (I’d argue most of them aren’t, in fact), and it always helps me to keep that in mind. It puts things in perspective somewhat and softens the harshness of a black and white kudo count judgment. Numbers can depend on when you post a fic (what day of the week, time of the year, time relative to big fandom moments, whether you’re in the middle of a global pandemic or not), how you pick your title, what you put in the description, how you use the tags, what genres or tropes are popular in your specific fandom, the genre of your fic in general (pwp as a rule tends to get lots of hits and few kudos or comments, for example, making it totally unfair to compare it to G-reated fluff fic with super different ratios), how much you’ve posted before (because if someone likes one of your works, they’re often likely to check if you have more in the same fandom), how many fics other people post around the same time (because yours might be gone from the first page of most recently updated works in a fandom or ship tag very quickly if others push it out), how big your fandom is(!!!) (over two thirds of my works on ao3 are for h50, but h50 only makes it into the top 10 of my most kudo’d works by the skin of its teeth) and definitely also what your fandom’s culture is like (compared to a lot of other fandoms, h50 fans are a-ma-zing when it comes to leaving comments, my gosh, and as a writer I adore all of you), how old your ao3 account is (the longer you’ve been around, the more likely a higher number of people is subscribed to you as an author or has read your previous work or has encountered your name, etc), how long your fic is (under a thousand words in my experience generally does less well than 1-5k, but longer fics might end up with lots of chapters which switches things up because people come back to it when there’s an update, and even if a long work is all in one chapter it will probably stand out for the wordcount and might attract attention that way, etc), whether or not your fic is part of a series (in my experience it will probably get more hits because it’s a chain of fics that leads you to the next one, but the kudos might not go up at the same rate because people might forget a kudo or reread previous works when a new one is added), whether you make a habit of commenting on other people’s fic (I’ve had comments saying MY comment on their work led them to my fic!), if you have social media like Tumblr or Twitter where you can promote your work (it’s advertising, basically), and any of a bunch of random little other factors. Sometimes, I see a sudden little cluster of kudos on an old fic in the daily ao3 kudos email, and I assume someone somewhere maybe recced that fic, but it usually remains a total mystery who or where or even if it happened at all and wasn’t just a weird coincidence to begin with. Sometimes the thing a fic’s popularity depends on is really just whether it clicks with people at that point in time, whatever that means, which is an even more impossible thing to grasp or predict than anything else.
Or you can look at things from a totally different angle and not try to make yourself care less about numbers, but just accept that you do because you’re human and we all crave validation, and instead try to roll with that. A brain hack: when I do start getting down about numbers, it also helps me to focus on one work and just... try to visualise what those kudo (or hit or bookmark or comment) counts mean, if you were to translate them to the real world. While it can be super helpful to remember that there’s a LOT going on that you can’t see and that’s virtually impossible to really explain, it’s also nice to somewhat do the opposite and try to make things as concrete as possible instead. I like measuring in school classes (~25-30 heads, I’d say) and “my fic only has fifty kudos but this other person’s has ten times as many” could easily make anyone sad and demotivated, but “my fic has fifty kudos and that’s TWO WHOLE CLASSROOMS packed full of people that all read my work and liked it so much they wanted to give me a little thumbs up for it” is actually pretty cool and encouraging, I think. Or you could measure in sports teams (I don’t know sports, but soccer has 11 players on the field per team, so as soon as your fic has 33 kudos that’s three teams which means you’ve got yourself a little beginning league! how exciting!) or in DnD campaigns (variable of course, but most of mine have had around four players plus a DM, so if you have twenty kudos? that’s FOUR WHOLE DnD campaigns that enjoyed reading your fic, and it’s fully up to you how many half-orcs that includes). You could apply this method using literally any other measurement that works for you, too. If you have a hard time painting a mental image of numbers, you could even open up a Paint doc or get a piece of paper and start counting out little dots or copy-pasted images of a person, or get a big bag of physically present M&Ms and count them out, or take a good look at your dog and then go around the neighborhood and collect forty-nine more dogs and pile them all into your home and be slightly frightened by the utter delighted fluffy chaos that ensues in your living room. That’s how many people liked your fic! That’s a heck of a lot of wagging tails! Who knew a kudo could bark this loudly!
Disclaimer: maybe keep the dog thing as your very last resort, because your neighbors might not be super into their pet getting dognapped for the purpose of visualizing fanfiction stats. The point is really just to remember that there’s an actual person behind every kudo you get, no matter what the cumulative number is, and even if you have seven or five or three kudos, that’s seven or five or three very real people that hit that button. That’s pretty damn awesome. Also keep in mind how you feel if you read a fic, and take some time to realize that every single person that left you a kudo went through that same process of spending time reading words (the words you wrote!) and experiencing that story and THAT’S why they left that kudo. It’s a real person’s real investment.
This ended up very long and rambly, so tl;dr: You are in no way alone in feeling that way, it's okay and normal and so very very human to feel like that, but you still shouldn't let it get you down, because numbers fake being meaningful very well but are deep down just little squiggles on your screen and they’re more scared of you than you are of them, while at the same time there are real individuals that enjoy your work even if you usually never see them. Your fic is worth posting. That’s the one factor in all of this that’s a constant, not a variable.
(And as a very important sidenote, just be kind to yourself, always. Does it truly stress you out? Are you feeling really bad about it today? Does it make your anxiety spike? Then give yourself room to take a little step back and allow yourself some time away from it. Go watch something you enjoy, or read something nice, or do something else that makes you feel good. Fic is something that should add to your life, not subtract from it. You don’t owe anyone anything, not even yourself in this context, and I used to push myself occasionally to get something finished TODAY, and eventually I started realizing, well, why? Why not instead of reading it over again just get some sleep or watch an episode of something I want to watch, especially if I literally just finished the fic and I feel a little unsure about it and it might actually be beneficial to me and my own feelings about it if I just give it a day or even a week and let it rest and then look at it again and THEN post it, if I want to, whether that’s with some changes beforehand or not? Who set me that deadline that’s apparently looming over me? I did, and it’s fake, and it’s there for absolutely no good reason. Breathe. Put yourself first. Be really really really selfish about your own fic writing experience, even, because it’s supposed to be something you enjoy (that’s what a hobby is!), and the rest is secondary.)
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knamjooned · 5 years
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Soulmates: Maybe?
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Pairing: Namjoon x Reader Words: 4,537 Genre: Idol AU / (maybe) Soulmate AU / (maybe) Angst Warnings: None
Your words touched a part of him the first time he read them. The journal he had randomly found became one of the most important things Namjoon did during the day. Sometimes it was a simple quote, other times it was a long entry that was filled with philosophical thoughts and personal emotions. It was saved on his phone, the wordpress journal filled with thoughts on life, love, and the world.
Hints of who you truly were could be find in the entries, but Namjoon noticed how careful you were to keep anything too personal from being written. Still, he enjoyed the insights you were bringing out into your writing. One of his favorite things to do after a long and stressful day of practicing (or filming, or recording, or traveling, or....) was reading over the latest post. After over three months of reading the blog, he knew just about the exact time your newest thought would be posted.
Now that he was in his hotel room, after hours and hours of filming a music video, Namjoon laid comfortably in the bed, wearing his favorite pajamas, with his laptop open on his lap. He was exhausted, but he wanted to know about your day, your thoughts. As soon as he clicked on the bookmarked link, a little smile of anticipation came to his lips. Namjoon raised his eyebrows at the title of the newest writing.
SOULMATES: True or False
Forgive the disaster of a title. This topic is much more complicated, to me at least, than the short and sweet title of this post. Where did it come from? Is there any proof behind the idea? Why is it still permeating our culture? Will it affect me differently than my so-called soulmate? Do some of us have a soulmate, while others don’t?
I have many more questions, but for now I want to contemplate the ones I have already typed above. 
Where did it come from? Where did the term ‘soulmate’ first appear? I know this one - the Greeks. Plato, to be specific. We - as in some form of humans - started off with two heads, four arms, and four legs. The Gods decided humans were too powerful and split them apart, which obviously was the only way to save themselves at that moment. Therefore, a soulmate is the half of us that was taken away by the Gods. I also found a similar story in Egyptian mythology. You could even connect the story of original sin in Christianity to the idea of soulmates.
As for any measurable proof, the dictionary definition of ‘soulmate’ is basically saying someone that seems to be suited for you as a close friend or a romantic partner. With that, it’s obvious there are many soulmates per person in this world. I believe no one is perfect, but there has to be someone or multiple someones that connected with each other within the definition of ‘soulmate’. Other than that, there is no proof. However, this idea is closely connected to our emotions, in a sense.
Why is the thought of the perfect someone still around? Probably because we humans seemed to need find perfection. Be it with looks, relationships, finances, or whatever, we always strive to keep reaching beyond. Finding our perfect soulmate is all about the process, the wanting, not the product. If the idea of a soulmate is ever proven... well, I’m not sure we would deal with it that well.
Namjoon stopped reading and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Yawning loudly, he contemplated continuing the blog post in the morning, but decided against it. He wanted to know what your thoughts were on the idea of soulmates. He usually left a comment, and every time you replied to it he felt butterflies in his stomach.
He had a crush on you, he wouldn’t deny it.
I suppose, as I stated above, the generic definition of soulmate allows for the idea to be truth. With 7 billion people on the planet, it’s statistically undeniable there is at least one person who would be considered a perfect match, or a ‘soulmate’. The idea of having one person, one ‘soul’ that will be the thing that completes you is completely false, in my opinion. However, the multiple almost-perfect match idea is something I’m beginning to believe in.
The next question that comes to me with this topic is...
Where are the people that would be my almost-perfect match?
I’ll end this with a quote I found a few moments ago..
“You’re my serendipity. I wasn’t looking for you. I wasn’t expecting you. But I’m very lucky I met you.”
Namjoon considered your words, the idea of a soulmate. He was a romantic at heart, but couldn’t deny the pressures of his life was beginning to turn him into a realist. Still, he agreed with your words about the idea of multiple matches being possible. As he yawned again, just as loudly, he typed out a quick comment below the main entry.
onom_mr9400: I’m curious, what brought this thought on enough to write about it? I agree with you on many of these points, but the romantic side of me still holds onto the idea that there is someone who will bring peace to the soul. This also supports your idea that we humans are always searching for perfection... 
With that, Namjoon shut down his computer, set his alarm to go off in another five hours, then promptly started to snore softly as soon as he was completely under the sheets.
Your blog wasn’t popular by any means, but you had a good couple hundred views a day, and a large group of loyal followers that kept you going. You recognized the usernames of the commenters the most, because they were always there to comment, to question, to expand the conversation. Your latest blog post about soulmates seemed to be a big hit, being shared on social media by a few of your readers, which seemed to up the views almost 50%. 
Your normal life was filled with the monotony of scanning items and pressing buttons on the computer, saying the same thing to each customer that strolled through your lane. Being a cashier was mind-numbing, but being recently promoted to Front End Team Manager was a decent boost to your paycheck. The only thing that seemed to make it worthwhile was the few friends you had made over the years.
After an eight hour shift, you were happy to have the next person be helped with your replacement, a bright smile on your tired face as you made your way to the back of the store, where the employee area was. You carefully avoided being roped into helping an elderly lady with some couch pillows and slipped past a mother with a toddler trying to pick out the best set of spiderman sheets. After a few moments of chatting with your fellow employees, you clocked out and hurried to your car. As soon as you got into the driver seat, you opened the blog app on your phone to look through your blog information.
Your favorite commenter had replied during your lunch break, but you were too busy trying to eat lunch in the allotted time to look at it. Mr. 9400, as you called him, was a distant reader, seemingly all over the world at some points in time, and settling in Korea at other points in time. He was thoughtful and philosophic, and after only two months of him reading your blog, you had developed a decent online friendship, although you rarely spoke to him longer than few minutes. 
A busy man, this one was. Plus, the time difference also hindered your conversations. Before you started back to your residence, you sent him a message through a universal chat app.
thestarsxabove: I saw your comment. :)
You figured he wouldn’t reply for another twelve hours, give or take, so you got home, showered, and fixed yourself some dinner before replying once again on the subject of your blog post. 
thestarsxabove: What brought this on was a couple looking exceptionally happy to have found ‘the one’ while I was at work. You know how I get, one simple thing leads to a large post that may be continued in six others! Do you think you have a soul that is not at peace? Is that why you hold onto the idea? I think your beliefs related to soulmates may connect with your beliefs on love. Thoughts?
The photo he had of himself connected to his account on the messenger app showed a man in his 20s, of Asian decent with dirty blonde hair, brown eyes that sparkled, and a blue mask covering the lower part of his face. You weren’t fond of the idea of sharing with the world how utterly boring you were, so there was no photo of you attached to your account. Only a photo of the stars in the sky. As you did your usual after work routine, you sat on the floor in front of your couch and continued working on the jig-saw puzzle that was about a quarter of the way done. The edges were placed together, filling the whole coffee table. After a few minutes of studying and placing pieces, your phone chirped.
onom_mr9400: A cute couple or one of those that tend to oversell the idea of true love? I liked this recent post, there are many questions to have about this idea. I suppose there may be part of me that is not at peace, always striving for something more, striving to do better. Failure is a frightening thing to face, and when it comes to love... no one wants to be alone for all of eternity. Or even most of their life, lol. I believe you need to love yourself before you can pass that onto others, which I’m feeling I’m reaching that particular goal during this time of my life. What about you? Also, how was the rest of your work day? it’s late afternoon there, I assume?
thestarsxabove: It is, indeed. They were a pretty cute couple, I admit. I’m not immune to the happiness that love brings. Loving yourself is a pretty powerful concept, can you really ever reach it to be satisfied? Enough to enjoy life, I suppose. I see you are in Japan at the moment. I’m not stalking, I just keep tabs on who views my blog. I promise. :)
You got the puzzle almost halfway done as you chatted, speaking more about the concept of love and loving oneself versus loving others. You even let it slip one of your dreams was to travel around the world, like he seemed to do, instead of doing the same thing every day with only a little bit of excitement in the form of girls night out. 
Miss Star, as Namjoon had started calling you in his head, definitely wasn’t finished withe idea of soulmates, which lead into the idea of love, which lead into the idea of loving yourself. This topic ultimately hooked onto Namjoon and the rest of his group as a concept they were naturally coming towards. As the lyrics and melodies, the scheduling and organizing, were done over the next few months, you and Namjoon kept in contact. Granted, with his schedule and the time differences, you spoke on average one message a day. 
The idea of soulmates, of a person that seemed to bring peace to a soul, kept coming into his mind. Was it because of the conversations he was having with you that he questioned if you were, in some way, a soulmate of his? Projecting the idea onto you, onto himself, to find meaning in the idea of love? Or was it actually a thing, the small pieces of each of you connecting just right, like a puzzle that just needed a bit of time to finish.
One evening, at the beginning of the massive tour that would bring BTS all around the world once again, Namjoon found himself with time to himself, to rest and breath for the first time in weeks. Excitement churned his stomach as he saw that you were online, the first time in the six months you two had been talking to one another. 
onom_mr9400: I see that you are online, which is weird for me. Usually we’re hours apart, or unable to answer right away. Unless you’re busy, which would make me feel like an idiot for being highly amused about this.
thestarsxabove: I’m never busy on a Friday night, especially since girls night out are cancelled for the next nine months. My friend, not me. I could have worded that better. >.< According to my statistics for the blog, you’re in the same timezone as me. Is this a once in a lifetime chance for us to meet in person?
Namjoon was caught off guard by the question. Of course, he had thought about what it would be like to meet you in person, but it had never truly occurred to him that it was a possibility. Being the the same timezone didn’t mean they were in the same place, though. He let out a breath of relief he didn’t know he was holding. Namjoon wasn’t sure why, but he was reluctant to move forward to the next step of this friendship, meeting in person. It was intimidating. 
He must have been deep into his thoughts, because you sent another message, seeming concerned.
thestarsxabove: You’re not busy, are you? I know it’s only been a few minutes but... I kind of would like to enjoy the rare occasion of us being online at the same time. No pressure, of course, because some things are more important.
onom_mr9400: Just thinking, I’m sorry. The question caught me off guard. I’m not sure if you’re being serious, lol. 
thestarsxabove: Yeah, I am. I know I haven’t given too much information about myself, but ... it’s pretty fucking scary to change things that seem to be doing so well, huh? >.<
The change in your tone made him chuckle, relaxing even more than he usually was with you. Still, he had to be careful, especially with who he was and the life he chose. Namjoon wanted to see you, speak to you in person, if it was possible. Was it? He wondered what you looked like, if you were as beautiful on the outside as you were on the inside.
onom_mr9400: Definitely. :D I know a little bit about you. You work in a store, have been since you finished high school, but not at the same one. You’ve moved around a bit, but have been where you are for a while now. You enjoy puzzles and chocolate, and when you COULD you enjoyed having multiple long island ice teas but not enjoying the consequences of the next morning ;-)
thestarsxabove: Wow, you got all that! I was trying so hard to be anonymous! You’re really perceptive, lol. My turn! You travel for work, something to do with the arts. Music or literature, I think. You’ve been vague about that, too. :-) You have a dog you don’t see much, and a younger sister. And you enjoy taking walks, especially in places you have never been. 
You’re heart was racing as the conversation changed from friendly and polite, to more intimate and casual. The things he pulled from you made you blush, even though you felt silly for the reaction. And now he was in the same city as you! You hadn’t meant to sent the question, asking to see him in person, but it just came through your fingers quicker than your brain could register. Your mouth was dry, and you reached over for the cup of hot chocolate you were almost finished with, downing the rest of the warm liquid.
You wanted to tell him everything, where you lived, where you grew up, why you stayed here, the plans you never were going to get to... Still, the churning in your gut, anxiety about exposing yourself, kept you from letting it all fall out through your fingers into the messenger.
onom_mr9400: You’re really good at holding back. Is there a reason why?
Taking a deep breath, you fought the anxious fear and made yourself type the words.
thestarsxabove: Right after high school, when I just turned 18, I made some major mistakes that brought me more attention than ever wanted. Negative attention. I lost all my friends, most of my family... all because of a stupid decision I made. I guess it’s easier to keep a distance than to get close to people after that.
onom_mr9400: Ah. Yeah, I get that. Trust me, I COMPLETELY get that. I’m sorry that happened to you. :-( I’ve held back information for a reason, too. You might have heard of me...not that I say that to be conceited! Just truthful.
thestarsxabove: I’m not sure I follow, lol. Heard of you? Are you famous or something? Also, would you like a picture of me? (i say as i feel like i’m going to throw up from anxiety) And yes, we are in the same city, according to the site stats.
Being so open to Mr. 9400 did indeed cause nausea, but it also felt completely natural to tell him your secret that not even your girlfriends knew. Well, the generalized version of it, anyway. Before he even replied, you took a few selfies with your phone, deleted five before you felt one was the best. You tried to keep it realistic, but you admit to holding it a certain way to get the best angle while you sat at your kitchen table. You didn’t sent it though, wanting to wait until he gave you consent.
onom_mr9400: I would love to see a photo. I’ll send a better one than my account one, too. I feel the same as I do this... we’re on the same page! Anyway, to be blunt, I would be considered known to a lot of people...
Namjoon took a deep breath to calm the nerves he was feeling. It did make him feel better that you were feeling the same nausea he was during this conversation. And what did you mean by major mistakes, enough to lose your family and friends and to leave your hometown? Instead of being put off by that information, Namjoon wanted ached to know more, to help you get past it. The crush had grown into full grown intimate fondness. The L-word was too weird to think about at this point.
He decided to take a selfie was sitting at the desk that was in his hotel room, where his laptop was set up. Namjoon nervously ran a hand through his hair, peering at the mirror that was across from the bathroom door, then sat back down in the office chair that swirled. After taking a few shots, he found one that was the best, and sent it without thinking about it.
If he did, he would probably have stopped himself.
Right after Namjoon sent the photo through the messenger, he saw that you had done the same thing only seconds before. His breath caught as he studied the picture. Shy but bright eyes, messy hair that appeared to be tamed for the photo, and a tiny smile that conveyed nervousness, but also softness. Namjoon immediately saved it to his phone.
thestarsxabove: I just took it... I figured it was easier that way than to find one I took weeks ago. Did you just take yours, too? I recognize the hotel, I think... it might be the one my friends and I went to for a weekend getaway that wasn’t really a getaway because it was just ten minutes away me >.< Also, should I google you or do you want to tell me the specifics of you being famous? Because I don’t recognize your photo... Sorry >.< You’re very handsome, though! I mean, like really attractive. I should send this now before I erase it all.
Namjoon snorted with amusement, charmed by the rambling message.
onom_mr9400: Ten minutes away? Coincidence? This is getting suspicious ;-) it’s like the universe is screaming at us to just meet already. My name is Kim Namjoon and I’m a musician that is extremely fortunate to connect to people from all over the world. BTS, if you want to add that to your search XD The photo is beautiful, just as I imagined.
Namjoon leaned back in his chair, waiting not-so-patiently for you to answer. He trusted you, even though you both had been so vague when speaking about yourselves. He could only wonder what his management and group members would say, though. He could sneak out if he wanted to, the thought irritating him because of the fact he was twenty-four years old. Still, if it was something he had to do, he’d do it if it meant getting to finally speak to you in person. It took a few minutes for you answer one again.
thestarsxabove: Oh, wow, you really are popular. o.O Would it be weird if I saved a few links to your music until after I meet you? I’m starting to feel like you’re a few steps above me with the whole celebrity thing...do you still want to meet? Oh, my name is __________. You can google me as well, but nothing will come up but my social media that’s set to private lol
Relief had him grinning, leaning forward excitedly as he typed a reply immediately.
onom_mr9400: Absolutely. If you’re up to it. I’m free this evening, but the sun is going down so I understand if you’re not up to it now. But since we’re so close...
thestarsxabove: Oh, god, will I need a disguise? Will YOU need a disguise? What kind of work do you put in to just go out like a normal person?! There are people sleeping in tents outside the freaking hotel. O.O Talk about dedication.
Half an hour later, you found yourself walking the ten minutes toward the hotel, heading in the direction of the 24 hours local breakfast diner you had both agreed to meet at a few blocks away. It was a chilling evening, the sun sliding under the horizon, but all you needed was a jacket. You wondered if Namjoon was as nervous as you were, excited but worried all the same. What were you worrying about? He wouldn’t like what he saw? He wouldn’t have agreed to meet you if he didn’t. You both would be seen and then your name would be in the news? Then your mistake would be public knowledge here, and...
“I know that look. I feel the same, so let’s go inside and get a table away from the window.”
Blinking, you looked up to see the face, although covered with a hat low over his eyes, of the man who had sent you a photo under an hour ago. He looked more beautiful in person. You stared at each other for a moment, taking in the other with awe, then awkwardly laughed as you headed into the diner. Finding the perfect spot away from the windows, you sat across from either other in a padded booth.
“Wow. It’s you. I know your name now, too.” You took a deep breath to ease the nerves, and they slowly dissipated as Namjoon grinned at you. The waitress interrupted the start of the conversation, with the menu, then walked away. His dimples charming. “I called you Mr. 9400 in my phone...” 
Suddenly, you looked away, embarrassed by the nickname. Namjoon chuckled and took off his coat, but kept the hat on. You did the same, brushing your hair behind your ears.
“Miss Star. That’s what was in my phone.”
“Aw, that one is much more poetic!” 
“My fault for such a horrible username,” Namjoon shrugged, still grinning ear to ear. You returned the smile.
You both stayed up much too late, talking about everything and eating some delicious homemade breakfast staples. You even went into major details about the mistake you had made years before, but more generalized than anything. Namjoon listened intently, and you felt like he understood what you had gone through. He didn’t berate you for the dumb decision, but he didn’t allow you excuses either. 
Namjoon felt right here with you, in a foreign city, with a foreign almost-stranger, in a foreign diner. Unfortunately, he had only so much time to soak in everything, the way you lit up when talking about your views on the world and life and love. When you put your hand on the table absentmindedly, he put his on top of yours, leaning forward, silently asking if it was okay. After a shy and small nod of the head, Namjoon held your hand for practically the rest of the night.
All too soon, the night was starting to become deep black, and the time had come to part ways. The food was paid for, by Namjoon at his insisting, and the table cleared. Your hands pulled apart, both of you glancing at the action with disappointment. Clearing your throat, you reluctantly looked at the empty room of the diner. 
“It’s getting late,” Namjoon stated.
“Yeah.” After a moment, you looked him in the eyes and smiled once more. “it’s not like we’ll never talk again. Thank god we have the internet, right?”
“Agreed,” Namjoon chuckled. His brown eyes still looked sad, though.
You both stood up at the same time, putting your jackets on quietly, enjoying the last few moments of being near one another.
“Namjoon.”
“_______.”
You said each others name at the same time, as soon as you were done putting your coats on. As soon as it dawned on both of you, the laughter started. It took a moment to calm down.
“I wish this could go on longer,” he murmured, stepping close. Suddenly, he was inches from you, eyes scanning your face, remembering every shadow and line. Swallowing, you mirrored his gaze. 
“Me, too,” you replied softly. 
You both leaned forward at the same time, eye-lids fluttering halfway shut as your mouths brushed. It was a simple, quick kiss, but the attraction was undeniable. You both pulled back only a few centimeters, wondering if another kiss would happen.
A clearing throat interrupted the moment, though, as a waiter waited politely to pass toward the kitchen. Apologizing immediately, you and Namjoon left the diner and stood outside in the dark, under a street lamp. You saw the hotel he was staying at, large and obvious. Namjoon reached out his large hand and took yours, lacing your fingers with his. He squeezed, then slowly let go.
“Until next time?”
“Yep,” you replied reluctantly. Still you smiled and waved as he walked away, every so often turning back until he was out of sight. Immediately, you missed him, his presence. You felt... something wasn’t right now that he was gone.
Your phone chirped.
onom_mr9400: Maybe soulmates do exist. :-) I  miss you already. Would you be up to video chatting often?
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I weigh
Today is my 32nd birthday.
This is the best birthday I’ve ever had because I’ve woken up to thousands of women sending me pictures and messages about the things they love about their lives, and the things they have done that they are most proud of. This has been going on for days now.
I was scrolling through “explore” on Instagram (always a certified mine field for one’s self esteem) and came across this disastrously damaging picture.
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I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A group shot of grown women with their respective weights posted across each of their bodies, and the post asking what we think of their weights and then asking its followers, “What do you weigh?”
WHO CARES? What kind of crazed toxic nonsense is this? What is this post trying to achieve other than to induce anxiety into young women about something so entirely irrelevant? What are we teaching women about our value? Can it be measured using a metric system? Why do so many posts like this exist on social media? How is anyone supposed to get through the fucking day happy with themselves when we are given such unreasonable and shallow goals to achieve, falling short of which, no matter who we are, what we do, how many lives we save, how many children we raise, how many people’s lives we touch, we are not worth anything.
I snapped. I am just done. I’m so done with seeing this and letting it pass me by. It’s so dangerous and disgusting. It’s so belittling and abusive. We are subliminally bullied all day by the magazines, the side bar of shame, social media, and by each other. The onslaught is so aggressive that we are going to have to retaliate with 10 times the strength to undo all of the damage to the global psyche of women. So I posted this:
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A small ode to the brilliant life that I am so lucky to live, that I built by myself from scratch, to the friends I am so lucky to have and to my self worth. This is how I measure myself. What I did, how I made people feel and how much I have enjoyed myself. It has taken me 10 years to get to the realisation that I am worth more than the digits on a measuring tape. And more importantly, the push back against body shaming shouldn’t just be about how much we love our flaws, it should be about something that isn’t really about the body at all. Self acceptance is important. But we deserve more than acceptance. Let’s step as far away from the conversation about our bodies as possible and make acclaim, integrity, achievement, contribution to society and kindness: Values worth shouting about again.
I posted it on twitter, and within an hour women started sending me their own ones. There were too many to keep track of. It happened so fast. The pictures were amazing. None of them were posed and filtered, nobody was contoured to within an inch of their life, or sucking anything in. It was women living their lives, writing down all of the things they were grateful for and proud of. All of the degrees they have, the babies they made, the cancer they beat or are fighting, their families they love, the disabilities they live with or help with, the relationships they have built, the companies they started. Just women waking up and remembering that they are valuable, and they do important, difficult, incredible things. Things that are more than just achieving the perfect lip liner, losing baby weight quickly or being able to EAT PIZZA WHILST AT A LINGERIE PHOTOSHOOT!!! (WOWWEE!)
Here are some of my favourites:
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Women of every size and shape and age and background sent me their declarations of self love and clapped back at the shame they have been drenched in their whole lives. We are attacked by this beast our WHOLE DAMN LIVES. Bemused parents are writing to me that social media has their 8 year olds talking about diets and what they dislike about their tiny growing bodies. We are facing an epidemic of self hatred. Instagram while sometimes an amazing way for us to share, is in many ways, hurtling us at light speed towards the demise of what the suffragettes were building.
We lack focus because we are concentrating on the wrong things. Most of the women I know wake up much earlier than men to get ready, and spend much of their time and money on complete nonsense like manicures and pedicures, hair treatments, and waxing. Women bleach their bumholes. THEY BLEACH THEIR BUMHOLES. This is how far we have gone with our pursuit of perfection, that we are no longer satisfied with the natural colour of an area almost nobody in the world will ever see. We have to be thin, but with big breasts and bottoms, gravity free, spotless, hairless, ageless, light skinned but always with a year round sun kissed glow; we must be fun and eat pizza and drink beer but also completely cellulite free and we must all have tiny noses and enormous eyes and lips but with skinny faces, but our skinny faces must never look gaunt and old.
And after all this, and after all the work we do, that we do as much of as men, ON SUBSTANTIALLY fewer calories than we probably need, we get judged more and paid less anyway.
NO. I’m sorry but at some point something has to give. We have to object. We have to do it together. Rather than just complaining about it, lets fill the void of sense with some perspective and some regard for the lives we are so lucky to live. An education is a luxury and a beautiful thing, not afforded to millions of women in the world. Bringing children into the world and raising them to be happy and healthy and kind is a great achievement, that literally builds the world. Surviving illness and war and trials of mental health makes a warrior out of you. Fighting for the rights of those who have no voice is heroic and important. Reading and writing and filling yourself with knowledge makes you so much more fun to spend the day with. Travelling and being independent and supporting yourself is the sign of a woman in control of her life.
We spend our lives in pursuit of the approval of others when we don’t yet even really approve of ourselves. My opinion of me is now (and only very recently) the one that matters.
I remember being 15, miserable and so relentlessly disappointed in myself, thinking it didn’t matter that I had a full academic scholarship and that I had a job and good grades, a Grade 8 in piano and I was a good kid, because my hip bones didn’t jut out, I had a round face and my thighs were forever touching. I was taught nothing else mattered. And that my fat covered up my achievements. I am so, so aware of the damage the media does to a vulnerable mind, it ruined the first 20 years of my life.
I found this really sad old drawing I did of myself when I 16, with what I felt I had to look like in order to be accepted by girls at school, and society in general.
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I can’t sit by and read the messages of self hatred that teenage girls send me, about how they hate themselves for not looking like Victoria’s Secret models. I can’t watch what happened to me, happen to them.
I hereby call out every newspaper run by a man that shames women about their appearance.
I hereby call out journalists who write passive-aggressive shaming articles about weight gain and congratulatory ones about women who lose weight.
I hereby MASSIVELY call out celebrities who don’t document what it takes for them to look the way they do. If you have had surgery, say something. If you have a strict diet and workout regime, say something. It is UNFEMINIST to push an image that was created in the fantasy lab of the patriarchy, essentially that of a sex doll, to other women, and pretend that it comes naturally to you, and that junk food and lying down in expensive hotel suites is what keeps you beautiful. You have a platform and have to use it responsibly.
I hereby call out the fashion industry for STILL after 10 years of being called out, perpetuating the idea that expensive clothing only looks good on stick thin, barely pubescent girls. (None of whom can afford your bloody clothes)
I hereby call out the women who troll other women online about their appearances.
I hereby call out the trolls that live in our own heads and eradicate all of our achievements and shower us in self-doubt and loathing.
In this uprising of female power we must realise we are being set absurd extra goals, thick and fast. The further we come as a gender, the more ridiculous the ideals we have to fulfil become. We are being distracted and exhausted and our eyes are being taken off the ball. Every minute you spend thinking about how thin or gorgeous you aren't, is a minute you aren’t spending on growing your business or your life.
I’m not saying it’s not important to watch out for your health. I’m not saying your BMI isn’t something to pay attention to. I do think it’s important to try to be active and put good food into your engine. But I also think the shame and feeling of failure is what drives us to the unhealthy eating habits we acquire to “comfort” us when we feel inferior and depressed. It’s a catch 22.
And by all means take pride in your appearance. Enjoy your looks, and your clothes and your sex appeal, but don’t make it your number one concern and selling point. It can be in your top ten, but it should never, ever define you. It isn’t important. We aren’t supposed to all look the same. And nothing good ever comes of self hatred. It will never further you. It will always hold you back.
Please think of the things in your life that you are proud of, that fulfil you, that make you happy and write them down somewhere, and look at that list every time you feel that you are failing, or that your jeans are tight, or you have a chubby arm in a group photo of a night out, or when you watch a video of a Hadid eating pasta.
Please remember you have every right to be here, and your life is important and it is precious, and on your death bed you aren’t going to be thinking about your love handles.
I love women and we deserve so much more than this. We can do better. We have to.
We can win the revolution against shame.
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aboutelan-blog · 5 years
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Entry 5/17/17
Am I the catalyst for new relationships?
Let me explain. I dream of being in a relationship of my own. From elementary school onward, I envied those who were able to fall head over heels so quickly and have their feelings reciprocated.  
Maybe because I grew up with all of the 90s rom-coms, I’m marred by the defy-the-odds relationships of angsty, nerdy, or offbeat characters who at the end of the movie, in a twist of fate, gets the person they romanticized being with.
In fact, the person they romanticized has an epiphany or some sort of revelation that that special someone was there all along. Despite any attempts to be guarded, despite any attempts to play hard to get, despite any attempts by someone of the popular crowd to halt a blooming romance, the love story always worked out.
But as I’m taught in my screenwriting class, movies take real-world scenarios and solve them with a fantasy ending. No one wants to view real life in a movie, even reality television is scripted.
I’ve always had my guard up hoping that “knight” that I dreamed about from the movies – metaphorical – would break through the gates and face any hurdles just to be with me.  
Despite anything, this person would persist, because I would be worth the pursuit.
This of course has been an ineffective way to measure my worth, because no one has even attempted to break down my wall. The way I viewed romantic relationships is not like the movies. In my case, invulnerability means the guy you like moves onto someone else and quick.  
I’m stuck in this cycle.  Luke with Siobahn, Josh with Mary, or now Zach with mystery girl (MysteryRodgette?). Even guys like Ryan, Aaron, and Zoren have been uninterested.  
The ultimate goal is to pool all of them into a room, have a group session and figure out what wasn’t working and what I did wrong. Why pass on me and pursue someone else?
1) Aaron #1; 2) Aaron #2; 3) Victor; 4) Ryan; 5) Billy; 6) Zoren; 7) Zach; 8) John; 9) James; 10) Luke; 11) Germany #1; 12) Pool Boy; 13) Mike; 14) Graham; 15) Dylan; 16) Peter; 17) Star-Lord; 18) Josh; 19) Roman; 20) Micah; 21) Liam; 22) Coulter; 23) Clark.
I wonder if I come across as immature?
Now I’m simply stewing in the pain.
I talked to Chelsey today, and Zach seeing someone came up in conversation. That was a crushing blow, only because I didn’t expect her to bring it up. But that’s the last blow I’ll feel. Luckily, I will never see Zach again or maybe even Chelsey. I don’t need to add anymore madness to my mind.
The next time I hear of him, probably through social media, it will probably be 2-3 years down the line and he will be engaged.  
I still keep waiting for Josh to reach out even though three years have passed. Every now and then I check his profile to see if he’s single yet.
I still wish I could like Molly from college.  Every guy wanted her. They would willingly leave whoever they were with to be with her. I can’t even get a guy to message me back, let alone chase me, wait for me for a year for a relationship to end, or ultimately choose me.  
Damn you Chelsey for bringing up Zach. Can’t a girl recover in peace?
Why is it that whenever I’m rejected in my love life, I then feel vincible and vulnerable in my work life…the one part of me that’s supposed to feel impenetrable. The feeling is as if, if I’m not impressive here, I must not be impressive there.  For the sake of my sanity, the two have to remain mutually exclusive.
I will fail a lot more in relationships, because I’m not ready.  
I need a lot more self-love and self-compassion and self-forgiveness.
I think about hurting myself every time another guy rejects me. Beating myself up physically, self-mutilating, dying because I’m not good enough or at the crux of it, I’m not worthy.  
Here’s how that used to work with my dad: I would do something to upset him, he would hurt me mentally or physically, I would feel guilty and strive to impress him,  I would beat myself or self-mutilate because I could never impress him.  
I must still wear this pain in my actions and guys must sense it.  A breeding ground for my wounds. Surrender doesn’t involve negotiation or resistance.  It involves going with the flow of life.
A prayer for me:
Dear Jehovah, over the next few weeks, and even months, please give me discernment on whether you are providing guidance or if Satan is trying to woo me with lies.
I feel like a mad person.  Do I pray for Zach, because the bible says pray for what you want? Do I surrender? The bible also says surrender.  Do I hold out hope and try to manifest a relationship? Isn’t there some universal law where you say what you want, visualize it, and after time, it becomes yours? Or is that simply obsession and unhealthy?  
I hate giving up.  In business there’s never a “no,” but you can also give yourself plenty of options.  
Do I refuse to take no from Zach? That sounds creepy. That reminds me of being a stalker.  That reminds me of when they would call me a stalker in middle-school and high-school.  Maybe I’m really a fragile white male trapped in a black woman’s body.  
I saw my dad fight. My mom took out a restraining order. He became volatile. He still fights for me, the only man that ever does, and I turn him away because I love me. Or I think I love me until I search for love and then all my beliefs come crashing down.  
I take the love I have for me and I try to give it away to someone, to a substitute father.  Guys must sense this and run.  
Zach must think I’m desperate and clingy.  He must ask, why after 5 months am I reaching out?  He must think, why is this girl still stuck on me? I feel like a loser.  
This is not what rom-coms taught me. This was supposed to end with Zach realizing he made a mistake, that I was the right one all along, and that I’m worth it.
Jehovah, how did my thoughts go so dark?  
I try to write until I find solace or have an epiphany that pulls me out of this way of thinking.  I’m trying to switch gears oh-so-desperately. I’m trying to move forward in the most incremental of ways, day-by-day, moment-by-moment.  
I need the holy spirit by my side to comfort me. This is probably one of the most painful times in my life. In this moment, I have done everything I can and I have to let go. Every day I will write this, no matter how much distress I am in, until I truly let go, until I truly surrender.  
Peace be with my soul.
Amen.
Prayer for my dad:
Somedays, forgiving you is easier than others.  
Today is hard.  
My wound has been kicked. Zach is gone. You created this obsessive, longing monster in me.  The same monster in you, you gave to me and now my heart aches.  
I still however wish you no ill-will.  
I don’t even want you to feel the wrath I have toward you, because I know it would beat you down more instead of build you up, and that’s the last thing you need.  
You’ve been beaten down your whole life. Not from me this time. I will only send love and when that is too much for me, nourishment or at the very least warm thoughts.  
Satan is a masterful liar and a deviant, but I will try my hardest to not let him tarnish what I feel for you.
Here’s why today is hard – I will be vulnerable with you if I may. You may not know how to respond, but I know in some ways you understand how I feel.  Zach doesn’t like me daddy and I did nothing right as usual. That’s what your monster would tell me, not you, but your monster.  This monster would tell me I’m not good enough, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not special enough.  
I feel like hurting myself because that’s what I’ve been wired to do. Punish myself for never meeting your standards and now his.
Your monster would have me believe that I am a loser unworthy of love. But it’s important for me to remember that this monster isn’t you, nor is it a reflection of you. It’s not even an extension.  It’s more like a tumor or overgrowth that you yourself are also fighting every day and as much as I would like to be the princess that can rescue you, I can’t.  Somedays I believe I’m a failure because of this.  And that eats me up too. Not being able to rescue you makes me feel like, what am I good at?
And you probably have the same voice too. Maybe we are so intertwined that whenever your monster is loose inside you, I feel it too. And whenever you feel guilty about not being able to come to my rescue, I am guilted because I cannot rescue you. We are one in the same and I fear I feel you at your darkest.
We share the same blood and monster. I am trying to fight him off with every bit of strength I have.  And believe me when I say that fighting this takes everything, every part of my body, every vessel inside of me.
I am fighting to restore the parts of me ravaged by the monster in you. I fight for both of us, because I know you want at least one of us to make it out alive.  No need to feel guilty that you couldn’t save me or feel as though you couldn’t save me in the first place.  
You rest and know that you gave it your all. You did the best you could with what knowledge and experience you had, just like I did the best with what knowledge and experience I had with Zach.  Don’t be too hard on yourself....that goes for both of us. We are trying and there is nothing wrong with us. I accept you for who you are. I love you. I forgive you.
Dear Zach —
You are a false love.  A demon that has disrupted my temple, set fire to the ghost inside of me.  I’m angry against my will. I’m broken when I think of the past or future. Knowing you has corrupted my whole soul. My being has produced vile fluids when conjuring images of you.  Toxins in my bloodstream. Ensnared.  
I want to hate you, but instead I will breathe. I do not want to hate you, but instead I will breathe.  I do not want to send hate your way. Even if there is no love. Please forgive me.
What would you tell me if I were here? Have more confidence? Relax? Don’t force it? You’re right. You are a monster and so am I. I’m working through my pain so one day I will be more confident, relaxed, open and vulnerable. So I will be the wife that someone wants and is proud of.  I will move ahead while you will still struggle to confront your demons. Maybe that’s why we’re not a match, nor will we ever be.
I am angry at you.
I want to fight you and most importantly I want your acceptance.  
But that is something only I can give myself. Not even my father has that power.  
I love you as much as a false love can bear and once this fog lifts, I will be OK.  
This is only a fog, a smoke, a poisonous gas that leaks into my brain, surrounding me, fooling me into believing I’m not good enough.  
In reality, you’re not good enough for me.
WE both have healing, and the pain I’m dealing with right now, you would have never been able to face. I’m too strong for you. I heal too fast and believe me when I say I will move on.  
This is only temporary.  
You are an illusion meant to distract, beat down, and bamboozle me.  
I will not get stuck on that floor. I will keep moving forward and today I am going to be the hero I need and break down my own walls. Only a false love can yield so much pain. #ISlay and today I move forward.
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kenjiro-s · 6 years
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Complementary Colours, Ch. 1 - A SuguYaku fanfiction
Based on the one lonely piece of fanart by narcissusbutterfly.tumblr.com - http://narcissusbutterfly.tumblr.com/post/160280804640/yaku-morisuke-snake-trainer-cause-he-knows   - I saw it and it made so much sense someone had to write it.
 Morisuke loved weddings, he really did, but sometimes…sometimes he wished people would take the easy way out and keep it as simple as possible. True, wedding supplied roughly half of his business, and yet in moments like this, he wondered if he couldn’t keep it afloat without them. The woman currently screaming at his face was an image he’d seen up close and personal way too many times, but the bad thing was that this one in particular didn’t have the excuse of being the bride. Said future bride, looking younger than Morisuke’s 25 years, was standing meekly to the side in silence and letting her mother walk all over her. He had to say something, but the shouting woman wasn’t giving him many openings.
- …and I just don’t get why you won’t even try to do it ! It’s my baby girl’s special day and you’re just trying to get your money without doing the minimum required work and I just can’t… - He tried not to sigh.
- Madam, I have been in this business for years and I can assure you, - She opened her mouth to keep going but Morisuke simply raised his voice. – ornamental garlic blooms do not come in red. Any shade of red. They come in purple, blue, yellow and white, but not in red.
- And you won’t even try to find some ? What kind of lazy business model are you running, huh ? Won’t even make an effort ! I will be taking my business elsewhere, thank you very much. I want my deposit back !
- Now, madam…
- No ! You’re ruining my baby’s special day ! Her flowers won’t match the theme colours ! It will look terrible ! Think of that ! Her wedding will be a complete failure, and it will be all your fault !
- Mom… - Apparently, the younger woman was getting just as tired from the situation as Morisuke.
-  How do you live with yourself ? Huh ? How ? How do you sleep at night ?
- Mom…
- I assure you, madam...
- No ! Give me my deposit back ! We have no time but I will find someone who will do their job !
- Mom ! Stop it ! – The word bounced around the shop in the dead silence that followed. The only other customer who’d been pouring over the fertilizer shelf while acting out he wasn’t listening to the conversation, froze. Fukunaga, just glanced up, his usual calm exterior not betraying anything, and then went back to sorting through the carnations. – Just, stop ! Here, we’ll just go and talk it through, and then come back later today, okay ?
- Chiyuki, I am just trying to make your special day perfect. And it will be gorgeous…
- There’s no need to shout at people for it to be perfect. Let’s go. – The older woman didn’t move. – I said, let’s go, mom ! – And then she marched out of the shop like a queen. Huh. She had a spine, after all. Her mother, on the other hand, just glared back at Morisuke, huffed with her nose up in the air, and ran after her daughter without even a touch of the same grace.
- Man, you get scenes like this often ? – The other customer was standing at the counter with a handful of yellow roses.
- You’d be surprised. – The man’s pitying look was obviously exaggerated but it made him laugh. – Yellow roses ? An interesting choice. – The customer rubbed his neck, cheeks going lightly pink. Obviously embarrassed, he scratched at the buzzed off part of his undercut and sighed.
- Yeah, I messed up. I think. Not sure if, you know, he’ll be mad, but can’t go wrong with roses, right ? – The amount of desperate hope was adorable. And the man was obviously doing his best “puppy” impression, with large chocolate eyes shining from under his long blond fringe. There was only one small problem.
- You sure can’t. Let me ask you, though. If you don’t mind, who are they for ?
- Um, this guy I’ve been trying to score a date with ? We’ve been kind of missing each other a few times and it’s not his fault or anything, but I managed to screw up and want to apologise. It will be our first official date. Have to make a great impression and all, you know ? And he seems like the kind of guy who would like yellow roses. Not too forward or romantic, but still a gesture ? Sweet, but not too much ? Why ?
- Because yellow roses mean “friendship”. Or, “friendly appreciation”. – The customer’s face fell. It almost made Morisuke want to apologise for ruining his day. – And I don’t think that’s what you want.
- Oh. No, I guess I don’t. Can you recommend me something else, then ? I am pretty sure he doesn’t speak flower, but now that I know that, I won’t be able to focus on our date because I’ll be overthinking it. Or he could check it out and it will be over. – It was definitely cute how worried the customer was over it.
- Well, if you want to avoid the love declarations and marriage proposals on your first date, I’d say go with…Fukunaga ! – His friend blinked at him. – Do we have any of the yellow roses with the red in the back ? We have only three here. – Fukunaga just rose from the carnations display and disappeared behind the “Employees Only” door.
- He doesn’t talk much, does he ? Yellow with red ? Should I be worried about those ?
- They could also mean “friendship” but I’d say that if he checks, he will read “falling in love”. Better ?
- Much. Thanks, man. You’re saving my life here. First dates, right ? – The wide smile almost covered the shaky nervousness but still. The man was friendly enough. – Oh, can you put a ribbon ? But nothing too over-the-top. Don’t want him to feel pressured.
- Of course.
- He works in this extra fancy café, you know. And I know art and things that go together, and that place is like a designer’s wet dream. – An interesting way to say it, but Morisuke just hummed in agreement and kept pulling out ribbons to compare the colours. – The prices are all right, which is weird, but anyway. It’s super stylish so he’s used to being around pretty things and pretty desserts all day. I just want to make an impression. If you ever need a cupcake that could be on the cover of a magazine… - And then he slid a business card on the counter.
- Trying to win points with him by advertising the business ? – That got him to laugh.
- No need for that, their tea is more than enough. Oh, man, this is gorgeous !
  He’d gone simple, with a ribbon in the exact same yellow as the roses, and made the least pretentious bow he could. It looked, in his opinion, pretty without being too much. And so did the customer, if his expression was a sign.
- You got tattoos ? – Where had that come from ? He just shook his head. – Cool. If you ever decide you want one, give me a call. I’ll give you a discount. – A second business card fell on the counter. – I love it ! Thanks again ! – And with a final wave, the customer left, comfortable silence filling up the shop after him.
 Morisuke picked the two business cards. One was All black and silver, advertising “Terushima Yuuji, Tattoo Artist”, with chains and skills elements, and contact information. It somehow worked without being too much. The man apparently really had an eye for those things. The other was in deep royal purple, also with silver elements, but with much simpler decorations. Clean, abstract outline of a cupcake, looking like it’d been drawn with a silver pen, and the name of the place. Also pretty. He opened the box with business cards he kept on hand – dealing with different kinds of events sometimes called for desperate measures and he’d found out early enough than one could never have too many connections and no industry was too far from catering. It was simply smart to keep everything organised.
 In the late afternoon a few hours later, Morisuke found himself scrolling through social media. The shop was in order, Fukunaga was drawing quietly behind the counter and it was the quietest part of the day. Going on impulse, he googled the studio first. One had to know what their connections were really worth.
 The website listed tattoos and piercing, with, respectively, Terushima Yuuji as the artist and Bobata Kazuma as the piercing expert. Morisuke had never really wanted a tattoo but he had to admit the photos were beautiful. Completely different from the classic yakuza style, they were more Western in design and colours, and were simply beautiful. The piercings didn’t make much sense and he’d never thought people would want holes on those body parts, but, to each their own. Apparently, the business was booming since there were a few warnings about a waiting list and long waiting periods.
 The café’s website was strangely similar. Purple and silver dominated the whole thing, but it was really ordered and, judging by the photos, they were legit and not stolen from wherever the baker had taken the recipes. And, okay, he had to admit his customer had been right. Those were gorgeous. Slowly going down the page, Morisuke couldn’t help but wonder how did the creator, because calling them simply “baker” seemed like an insult, could do things like that. They appeared to sell a mix of traditional Japanese dessers in both their natural look and with one or another trendy twist ( there was glitter, shine and tall chocolate structures ), and, unless he was mistaken, European pastries in vibrant colours. Also, there was a long list of fancy coffee drinks and almost as long one of teas. Impressive.  
 He didn’t usually go on impulse but the woman in the morning had taken all of his energy and he needed recharging.
- Fukunaga. – The questioning look he received was basically a long declaration coming from the other man. – I’ll go get some tea. Will you be okay by yourself ? I shouldn’t be long, it’s close. – All he got was a small nod. Good. He waved and checked the directions again on his phone.
 It was surprising he hadn’t stumbled upon the café on his was to work at any point. It was just one alley away from his everyday path to the shop.
   The customer hadn’t been lying. Judging from the exterior, someone had poured a lot of imagination in the place. Of course, it all depended on the food, but Morisuke was optimistic. A bell jingled when he opened the door and he was assaulted with cozy warm air that carried the scent of cinnamon and apples. Also, coffee. Closing the door as quickly as possible to keep the snow outside, he stepped in the almost empty café. Only one of the tables was occupied, a man in a huge sweater with two laptops and an assortment of small colourful…things on a pretty plate in front of him, seemingly deep in whatever was happening on the screens. Otherwise, it was empty, Morisuke blaming the same lull that happened around this time in his shop, too. It was between lunch break and the end of the day. Also, there was an actual fireplace. Huh.
 Cozy place, he decided, looking around. Lots of bits and pieces scattered around but it looked closer to his flower shop than a mess – someone had taken great care to create such an artistic mess without making it stuffy and overcrowded. He approved.
 The glass display by the counter was a different thing. Unlike the interior, there was nothing messy or disorganized about it. Rows upon rows of neatly placed…he wasn’t sure if calling them “desserts” was good enough, but that’s what they were supposed to be. In front of each row there was a card with the name in both Japanese and English ( or French, or something else he couldn’t recognise ), price…He leaned closer. Also, ingredients and nutrition information. Whoever had done it had covered all bases.
- Can I help you choose something ? – Morisuke didn’t jump only because in his line of work sudden movements usually meant broken flowers and nobody wanted that, especially not him. That didn’t mean he was happy. The guy on the other side of the display had gotten closer without making a sound and his small smile was just a touch annoying, though Morisuke couldn’t put his finger on why.
- Just looking, thank you.
- You sure ? I know we have a lot of things. I started recently and, trust me, the first few days all I did was fetch stuff to learn where it is. It could get overwhelming. – And then he slid the small smile back on his face, shrugging a little.
- You know what ? Sure. My friend likes something called London Fog, do you do that here ? And what would you recommend with it ? – The slow blink he got almost made him laugh. To be fair, the first time Fukunaga had asked him to order him one when he’d done the coffee run, he’d reacted the same way. And he wasn’t even trying to be mean, that was the only thing Fukunaga drank. It was one of the oddities he’s learnt to live with since his friend was a hardworking man who knew what he was about. Just because he didn’t talk much and drank the vile, in Morisuke’s opinion, concoction, that didn’t mean he had something going on. He simply had a terrible taste.
- Well…Let me…Yamaguchi ! – A second man had just appeared behind the counter. Glancing up, Morisuke saw his face was splattered with freckles. Cute. His colleague smiled again and he realised why it bothered him. It came to his face too fast. Looked a bit practiced. – What goes with London Fog ?
 Straight to be point. Morisuke almost laughed at the waiting expression on the man’s face. He seemed to expect confusion and when he didn’t get even a moment of hesitation, said smile faded a little around the edges.
- Lemon cake or pastries. Why ? – The answer had come instantly and the man, Yamaguchi, looked between the two of them. – Is everything okay ?
- Um, yes. This gentleman was inquiring about it, that’s all. I wanted to make sure I was pairing the right things.
- Oh, of course. It’s got a pretty strong flavor so it makes sense. Would you like me to make it while you ring the order up ? It will be faster.
 Morisuke would’ve missed the relief that crossed the man’s face if he’d blinked at the wrong moment, it had gone that fast.
- So, what will it be ? – And, the wide smile was back. Morisuke narrowed his eyes.
- The latte… - More confusion. – The London Fog ? And I’ll have a latte with cinnamon on top. Also…something lemon ? – The man at the espresso machine pointed at the soft yellow sponge cakes on the left. – Yeah, one of those. Thank you. – He got a nod and turned back to the other side of the glass. – Oh, can I have a slice of the…Matcha Mille Crepe Cake ? Thank you.
 The slow, careful way the man was working the till contrasted sharply with the quick nimble gestures of his colleague. Started recently, huh ? But he’d been honest enough, and had called for help when put in an unfamiliar situation, and Morisuke could appreciate that. Though the polite smile was still annoying.
 While he’d been spacing out, his order had been put in a pretty box with a ribbon and a logo sticker. Unless he was mistaken, the ribbon was the same kind he used for centerpieces for events. Impressive.
- …and here is your change. Enjoy ! – He looked up. This close, he noticed for the first time the man had forest green highlights that almost blended with his dark hair, that perfectly matched his eyes, and an eyebrow piercing. And was currently observing him as closely as he was being observed. Morisuke took his change and turned, zipping up his coat.
- Thank you. Have a nice day. – Now he just had to remember the way back. Just because it was close, didn’t mean…there it was. And it seemed Fukunaga was handling it perfectly, judging by the wide smile of the only customer and how fast she was chatting. Good.
 Suguru Daisho didn’t like surprises. He didn’t like them one bit. And today, that one customer had managed to surprise him in the worst way possible. He hadn’t meant to look like he had no idea what he was doing, but what, the Hell, was London Fog ?
- Are you okay ? – He smiled lightly and turned to Yamaguchi. The concern in his voice was sweet but it felt too close to pity for Suguru’s comfort. Not only had the other man seen him deep in confusion but he’d also had to save the situation.
- Yeah, sure. I was just caught a bit unaware, that’s all. – The concerned expression faded to a soft smile. Good.
- Trust me, I know how you feel. I think the first time Kawanishi told me to fetch something for a customer I froze for a whole minute. He just told me to walk around the display and look at the tags. – Yamaguchi shrugged a little. – Not my proudest moment. I actually put cards on the back of the display, too. You know what ? I will go and put them back.
 Great. He didn’t need someone to go so out of their way to make things easier for him just because he didn’t know the names of everything yet.
- Thank you, but…
- No, no, it’s okay. Futakuchi still runs around every time someone orders something. It will make it easier for everyone. Sorry I didn’t think about it earlier ! – Why was he apologising ?
- It’s okay. So, you got a list with all the secret drinks people order ?
- You mean, the ones people never order ? Actually, I do. Here, let me show you…
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she-is-heard · 6 years
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Life After Perfect
Perfection. If you’ve ever found yourself wanting it or trying to attain it, you’ve probably found yourself disappointed.
I should know.
For years perfection was my life’s goal. I desired to be perfect in every way possible. From my academics and hobbies, to my physical appearance and relationships. I remember as a kid, if I made one mistake on a picture I was colouring, you know, by going slightly outside the lines or using the “wrong” colour, I would become so frustrated with myself that I would have to throw it away. Mistakes were simply never an option. I was just a little dramatic. The need to be perfect however, went well beyond my childhood, carrying into my teenage years and grossly spiralling out of control in the first six years of adult life. My pursuit of perfection manifesting itself in the most self-destructive and counter-productive ways imaginable. And (not) shockingly, I was left completely disappointed, never finding what I was looking for.
Two and half years ago, I decided that enough was enough. I recognised the futility of my quest for perfect, and I quit. Or, at least I tried. My journey as a recovering perfectionist has, ironically, been far from perfect. In fact, it’s been quite messy, complicated, confusing and at times down right frustrating. However, amid all the chaos of attempting to overcome a deep-seated need to never fail, there have been a few things I’ve learned.
So, if you’re like me, and you’re trying to quit the pursuit of the impossible, here’s three truths to hold on to that may make your journey a little less bumpy than mine…
1.      Life is messy…
For everyone. I think living in an age of social media and the filters, photoshop and strategically posted images that come with it, it’s easy to forget that reality is drastically different and not as put together as so often portrayed. We are all human and we live in the world. There is nothing perfect about us or our circumstances. Some people may have nailed the “perfect” feed on Instagram, but none of us have mastered this thing called life. Comparing your real life to the highlight reel of others is, to be quite frank, dumb. For someone like me, who has never had any ducks in any rows, there is so much to be gained from recognising that there is far more to life than what others choose to post. While yes, some people may have it “more together” (whatever that means) than how you see yourself or your life, there is also so much more that we don’t see. The behind scenes of those who seemingly have the perfect life, are probably more relatable than we realise.
2.      Mistakes are inevitable…
For everyone. And if you’re anything like me, you’ll make them often. Daily, in fact. We all mess up. We all have things that we regret and moments we wish we could take back. It doesn’t mean we are bad people, or that there’s something fundamentally wrong with us. It means we are human. Am I proud of the mistakes I’ve made? No, not at all. But I’ve learned that allowing guilt and feelings of not measuring up to overwhelm me, is a completely ineffectual task. Overwhelm fuels a cycle of perpetual anxiety, wasting time of that which is essentially futile, and results in the achievement of a whole lot of nothing. Instead, I am learning, slowly as always, to accept my human-ness, knowing that I, and everyone around me, is a work in progress. Learning from my mistakes and knowing I have the opportunity to choose differently in the future, will get me so much further than beating myself up about them ever will. Give yourself and everyone around you some grace for each day. Know that you’re not alone with feeling like you could be doing more, being more, and achieving more. And know that mistakes have the potential, if we would allow them, to teach us the lessons that will empower us for the future.
3.      Real is better…
For everyone. There were years that I spent hiding out, trying to cover up my faults and flaws, of which there were many. I was terrified of being real and vulnerable with anyone. I have learned however, that there is immense power in being authentic. Over the past two years I have been given opportunities to publicly share my story. And not the story of my greatest victories, but of my biggest mistakes and failures, and my “rock bottom” moments. But I have found that in speaking honestly and openly, hope results for someone else. There are people who need to hear your story – the real, imperfect, flawed version. They are waiting on the other side of your perseverance, counting on you to overcome what may seem to be the impossible, and then be brave enough to share. You see, when we choose to do this, we allow people to see that they are not alone, and we offer people tangible hope outside of their struggle. People aren’t looking for perfect, they’re looking for real.
My life is far from perfect, and I love it. It’s chaotically messy, and ever so beautiful. Because it’s finally real. Am I striving to be better than I was yesterday? Of course. But I’m no longer measuring myself, or anyone else around me, by an unrealistic standard that may never be met. Letting go of the need to be perfect is still a journey I am on; the best and most rewarding one at that. I would encourage you to do the same… because, if you’re feeling like you don’t have it quite altogether yet. Welcome to the club. 
There’s like 7 billion of us.
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20yearstostart · 6 years
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Friday 8th June, 2018
Dear Blank, 
Today you could say, was an unproductive day. I can smell my failure of completing my to-do list in the stench of cold fast food giving off its displeasing smell from my study table. That’s right, Blank, my study table is full of food; and I said I wanted to lose weight. 
I am trying so hard to think of a problem for Holic, and it’s eating my head away and distracting me from studying. I attempted to create a mood board for it to motivate me or inspire me, but it was so bad. I don’t think I am aesthetically blessed. Anyways, so there are so many paths this story could go down, I don’t know which way to turn. 
I want the character to be despicable; a complete horror if you may. But not in the annoying main female character who screams “you lied to me!” and then comes back running into the guy’s arms again. Or someone who goes and flirts with another guy to make him jealous. I want her to be evil with a level-headed mind, and that's so difficult because there is no problem at all. They both are completely horrible characters, and I don’t know how to handle them. 
On more personal grounds, there are three things I would like to talk about:
1. Studying for the exam; why is this so hard? I mean I am studying, when I am, but literally nothing is going into my head. I don’t know what to do. But, I’ll still do all that I have to and leave the rest on my memory that seems to remember unimportant stuff better than real things. 
2. A guy from my tutorials added me on social media: this is a first; because I only have one social media thing that is open to public search if they know my name. I’m not on facebook, so my account isn’t linked to it, and we have no common friends, so did he physically type in my name??? why? we can just be friends, but he didn’t even reply to my text! I asked him to put his number in my phone because he offered Facebook, which I don't have, and then I text him, ‘Hi this is me, from our class.” and no reply, then out of nowhere I get this request to follow me on my insta. And it’s like private af, like 17 allowed followers, 14 of them are never online, and weird as hell captions, but I still accepted his request. We are just friends after all or classmates?
3. I think I’m scared to writing: one of my followers from my other page told me that a could talk to her about anything... and I told her that I couldn’t write. I am so scared of writing now. I feel like I don’t write the same, and people will start to lose interest and that my page will be a one-hit wonder, and that my writings will be compared to the other writer, and the thing is I don’t even compare to her. I only write well when I’m in my zone, and right now, everything I look at that empty sheet of paper, I feel like I’m letting everyone down. I really wish that people still like my work, Blank. I’m scared I’ll become annoying, lol. I really wish I continue to write like they love it. I wish I can write again with worrying about others.
I guess that is enough for today, Blank. I think I’m going to clean my room while listening to GOT7 and think of Holic, before starting to study. 
Also, my friend has her paper tomorrow and I know she’ll do well. I hope she knows that too. 
But I’ll do well too, Blank, won’t I?
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The Sky:
I didn’t see the sky in morning, Blank, but I am sure it was grey, dark and daunting. I did, however, see the night sky and it was clear, and dark blue with the really bright stars. It was really pretty, and with the crisp cold air bitting at our skins, I’d even say it was romantic. I also want to tell you, Blank, that a few days ago, towards sunset, I looked at the sky and it was beautiful. 
The whole sky was covered in thick grey clouds, but on one side, there was a small hole. If I measure it with a tape measure from where I stood it would be about 5 high, and 3 wide, in an oval shape. Through the hole, you could see the sky reflecting the colours of the sunset; it was orange, huge pink and purple, and absolutely breathtaking. The edges of the clouds around it were bleeding with that colour, but the bottom of the oval seemed to be spilling that colour into the clouds slightly; making the pale pink dust over the greys a bit more. That’s all, but it was beautiful, I think I’ll remember that sky forever.
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academicsapphic · 7 years
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University can be extremely hard on your mental health, especially if you already struggled with mental illness beforehand. Like I’ve shared before, my depression and anxiety hit an all-time high? low? I don’t know which to call it but it got to the point I didn’t think I was going to make it. I did make it, however, and here are the things I hope will help you avoid going through what I did. Of course, I’m not a professional and I can’t speak for everyone, so I want to emphasize that these are things that I personally struggled with and that this is advice I would have given to myself in these circumstances.
Incorporate organization into your life. If you’re already an organized person, keep with it. College is a ton of work and you’ll have to keep track of a lot of things. I don’t know about you, but personally, when I know I have a lot of tasks to finish but I can’t remember how many or when they’re due and everything is just on my desk in a messy pile, I get very overwhelmed to the point of feeling suffocated, then I shut down and do nothing. Have a planner, bullet journal, or app of some sort to keep track of all your assignments. Plan when you’re going to work on them. Break assignments down into smaller tasks to make them seem less intimidating. PAY ATTENTION TO DUE DATES. It can be very easy to get things confused and lose track of it all; you want to prevent this from happening.
Drill it into your mind that in college, NO ONE cares what you do. This is mainly addressing the social anxiety side of things, which I struggle with pretty badly. When I first arrived at university, I was excited that no one knew who I was; it was a completely fresh start. It only took a couple of weeks before I felt that everyone had formed some type of negative opinion about me. It got to the point where I felt so self conscious on the way to class that I wasn’t even able to walk correctly without consciously thinking “okay, right foot, left foot”. Keep in mind that on a college campus, there’s thousands of people, and none of them are paying attention to you. No one cares what you eat, what you wear, or if you trip. Take comfort in the fact that you’ll probably never see these people more than once anyway. Everyone is just there to get a degree and do their own thing; as long as you’re a nice person, do what you want and try not to worry about what other people think of you.
Find a support system. University can be very lonely if you don’t have anyone to talk to, or if the only people around you are people who don’t understand what you’re going through and offer you unwarranted neurotypical advice like “drink more water” and “just think positive”. It really helps to have someone there who you can vent to about your problems and who can validate your experiences. All of my friends struggle with mental illness in some way like I do, so we can all understand each other and talk to each other about these things. Whether it’s your friends, your parents, or even people on the internet, having someone there to support you can make it feel like you aren’t carrying the load all alone, because you are never alone, even when you feel like you are. (Of course, I do recommend seeking professional help for the long run and the bigger, more serious issues, this is just for your everyday, more general things)
Don’t push yourself too hard. When you get to university, you may think of it as a continuation of high school in the sense of having to do a lot of things to distinguish yourself from others or to feel accomplished. You might want to join every club, take every class you can, make plans every night, and that is not a great idea. Only participate in extra-curriculars you actually have an interest in and genuinely enjoy; otherwise, you’re just wasting your time. I very highly recommend against taking the maximum number of credit hours you’re allowed to take, especially as a first-year, unless for some reason you absolutely have to. At Vandy, the limit is 18 hours/6 classes, and that’s a lot. If you find that you have made too many commitments, you don’t have to stick with them just because. The whole idea of “never be a quitter, always finish what you started” can be very detrimental to your mental health. If you push yourself too hard, you could end up with a lot of anxiety that could come to a head in a breakdown which is never good. Drop a class or a club if you just don’t have the time or energy to continue it anymore. You’re not a quitter; you’re taking care of yourself, which is the most important thing you could ever do. 
Sometimes you just need a break. Don’t be afraid to take a mental health day every once in a while. If you were physically sick with the flu or a migraine, you wouldn’t go to class, so why would you go to class if you’re a having a really bad depression episode or anxiety day? When your mental illness is flaring up, you’re not going to be productive anyway, so it’s not going to benefit you to force yourself to go to class. In my experience, and many of my friends experiences, professors can be understanding if you have some personal things going on. Just try to be honest with them, if you can, instead of just going AWOL with no explanation. When you have so much going on in addition to trying to keep your brain in check, bad days are inevitable. It’ll benefit you more to just ride it out and give yourself the time to recuperate than it would be to try to ignore and push through it, because then it’ll just come back ten times harder. Somedays you wake up and just can’t get out of bed. Take the day to focus on yourself so you can come through it better than before.
Please seek help when you need it, as soon as you need it. The mental health aspect of college is often avoided in the media as a topic of conversation. Vanderbilt proudly touts it’s second year winning the title of “Happiest Students in the Nation”, which I and a lot of my fellow classmates think is bullshit, because it is. No one is happy all the time, and you can’t measure happiness. It’s dangerous to advertise this because it could deter a student struggling with depression to seek the help they need as they believe that no one else is going through the same thing and there is no one to help them. I can promise you that whatever you’re going through, there are a lot of other people going through it, too. University is unbelievably stressful and can do a number on even those who have previously never had a problem with their mental health. If you start to feel overwhelmed, I encourage you to seek out counseling or whatever type of resources your school has available to you. Even just talking to someone once can help you a lot. If you already see a therapist/psychiatrist, try to keep seeing them when you start school, and if you’re moving away to school, try to find someone new before you get there. I thought about going to the PCC for a long time, and people told me that I should, but I just kept putting it off until I reached an extreme low. I like to think that I never would have had to hit that low if I had sought out help as soon as I knew I needed it. It can be nerve-wracking, so try to find a friend who will go with you, or call on the phone first before going in person. There’s a lot going on in university, but your health always comes first, no question. You won’t be able to succeed academically in the long run if you’re not your best self.
Understand that university is not the end-all, be-all. One of the main symptoms of anxiety is catastrophic thinking; you always assume the worst is going to happen, and the smallest things feel apocalyptic in nature. During my entire second semester, when I was on academic probation with really low grades in my classes, it constantly felt like my world was ending. I mean I spent every second of every day worrying about flunking out of school, and I genuinely thought I was going to die. A strategy I’ve learned in therapy is to tackle these thoughts; my therapist would ask, “okay, so if you do fail this test, what is going to happen? if you do fail out of class, what is going to happen? are you going to get hurt? are you going to die?” and of course, the answer was no. It helped me a lot to realize that even if I did fail all my classes and fail out of school, what was the worst that could happen? I wouldn’t die, my life wouldn’t be over, I was going to be fine. Of course, getting kicked out of uni would suck, but ultimately, I would survive. Plenty of people leave uni or never go to uni, and they ended up okay. Since anxiety always brings up the worst case scenario, which to a uni student would be failing out of school, address that scenario and realize it’s not the end of everything. And once you realize that, and then realize that the worse case scenario is extremely unlikely, every other possibility suddenly seems less daunting. It takes a lot to get kicked out of school; one failing grade, even three semesters of probation won’t get you removed (at least not here). If you get a bad grade on an exam, or even fail a class, you don’t have to automatically feel like your life is over. If your mental health causes you long-term struggles with school, your uni will work with you; see if you can take an approved underload (which is a number of credit hours less than the required minimum) or take a leave of absence. Neither of these things mean you’re a failure. Some people just have a different path than others. Maybe you’ll realize that university just wasn’t for you, and that is okay. 
Mental health is a much bigger issue in university than it seems. Yes, your grades are important, but your well-being is infinitely more so. Please always remember to take care of yourself, keep things in perspective, and seek help when you need it. If you need advice or someone to lend an ear, my inbox is always open. 
This was the last post idea I had lined up for this series, so if you have any topics you would like to see me give advice on, please please let me know! I did think about making a post of all my most embarrassing freshman year moments which I think could be hilarious, so I might do that. In the meantime, check out my previous university advice series posts if you haven’t already!
Application Process
Choosing/Changing Majors
Orientation Week/Move-In/First Day of Classes
Roommate Living
Classes and Schoolwork
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daveywankenobie · 4 years
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As I write it’s dark and cold outside – but the days seem to be just a teensy bit longer all of a sudden.
It’s no illusion. The shortest one of the year (Sunday the 22nd of December) is now behind us – and from this point on the UK will only get lighter and the days longer.
I can almost feel the warmth of summer on my back.
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That’s partially because (despite a rocky few weeks) I actually had a really active and on plan second half to the month.
It got worse before it started to get better though, because when I stepped on the scales at home on the 15th of this month (after some hefty emotional eating) they greeted me with a somewhat sobering 17st 9.5lbs.
I knew what was going on.
I’ve been quiet for a reason.
As well as encountering some unexpected health worries (which seem for the time being to be OK) the whole issue of not finding work has been eating away at my self confidence, and I’ve found it very hard indeed to not hibernate or eat away the upset it’s been causing.
That’s not to say that I’m not taking positive steps mind you. I’ve been working through a couple of self help books and looking at understanding what I really want rather than what I feel I have no choice about and should apply for.
It’s not easy though when you’v been turned down four times in a row for jobs that you know would be a walk in the park – but I guess if nothing else it’s character forming, and what will be will be.
It’s also Christmas, nobody is hiring and Brexit looms.
Even the job sites that were previously spamming me with unhelpful adverts have dried up over the last three to four weeks, and my inbox is mercifully devoid of mail reminding me that I’m not proving to be particularly successful in this area.
However – back to the scales.
Free from the self imposed guilt of being over target as man of the year I have now instituted a new regime.
I have up until recently focusing on my new project – which is feeling guilty about an out of target ex-man of the year.
The former guilt was because I should be a positive example of a man with a title and the latter because I don’t want to be seen to have ‘let myself go’ after everyone believed in me and looked to me for inspiration.
Sigh.
One day maybe I’ll stop doing this to myself…
However I know I’m not alone in such quagmires of spiralling thoughts – and it seems that as much as I’ve been amazed by the capability of fellow slimmers to change their shapes and life outcomes I’ve also been encouraged that they too struggle like heck at some time or another when it comes to maintenance.
Practically everyone of them I know (or just follow on social media) has posted some epic gains followed by a correspondingly epic loss – and almost everyone that’s achieved a measure of success is now differnent to the weight they were when they held aloft their local or national awards.
I’m not alone – so why feel any shame?
Thankfully at the moment I’m not.
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Over the last two weeks I’ve managed to lose an entire stone (even though it doesn’t look like that in my book) and it’s been through sheer hard work and effort.
Dropping weight over Christmas has been a challenge though – and I’m not going to lie – this could have gone either way. During the last week I ate Stollen, Gingerbread, Cheese, Christmas cake, biscuits, an entire layer of chocolates from a box of Milk tray and a rather hefty roast and three mincemeat wraps on Christmas day.
I’ll be honest – had I been on my own I might not have celebrated this way – but this has been my very first traditional Christmas as ‘family’ (or probably more accurately a ‘couple’) and as such I really wanted to enjoy the experience as everyone else does.
With great food and awful jumpers.
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The fact is though that whilst I enjoyed myself as much as I felt I could I also limited damage elsewhere as much as humanly possible (although it may not sound like it) as well as doing a rather epic amount of exercise.
Although I consumed a lot of naughty food on the 25th I also went for a TEN MILE WALK through the wilds of Warwickshire to make up for it.
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If I add my daily active (anything I burn with exercise) and standard (2500kcal for an adult male) calorie burn together then I’ve been averaging around 4500 per day for the last two weeks, which is the main reason I lost weight after packing away cheese and cake.
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A lot of this was due to swimming – which once again has proven to be my absolute saviour. This has been particularly gratifying when I look back on it because despite my reluctance to don my trunks and look like a human muffin in the mornings ( I hadn’t been for almost two whole weeks) I did it anyway.
It’s not been the only exercise I’ve engaged in though – and I’ve relied on an old friend to fill the gaps for me when the pool has been closed. My walking distance has remained consistently higher and at averaged over 10 miles a day for two weeks as well – despite driving to Sussex and back on Monday.
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So – life is (for the moment at least) on an even dietary keel again.
Both myself and my better half are really in the zone at the moment – and she has been swimming alongside me every day as well.
It’s fair to say that her determination to improve both her swimming technique and stamina have been something of an inspiration to me – and on Sunday I found myself watching her swimming back and forth in the pool well after I’d stopped.
Consequently her loss over the xmas week was greater than mine (2.5lbs!!!) and she really deserved it.
I’ve been positively swelling with pride as I’ve watched her get better and better at swimming through sheer determination and grit – and there’s no small amount of warm fuzzy feelings inside me at the moment.
Christmas this year has been special in a way that no other Christmas has because although I’ve had long term partners before not a single one has ever resulted in a Christmas together prior to this point.
There’s always been a family reason or a break up to get in the way of that before and consequently words absolutely fail me when I try to encapsulate how much December 2019 has meant to me.
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It’s not been about materialism or nerdy presents (of which there have actually been quite a few thanks to a new and very generous extended family) – but togetherness.
This manifested itself recently when we both headed out to see a new film – and both of us chose appropriate attire for the occasion.
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It’s hard to overstate how much love a geeky guy can feel when he’s accompanied on a school night to a one minute past midnight screening of Star Wars by an adult woman not only voluntarily (and dare I say enthusiastically) wearing a Star Wars teeshirt but also a crochet’d Yoda ears beanie.
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I’m sure that everyone out there is already throwing up in their mouth a little bit – but I’m sorry – I have absolutely zero shame on this score because we totally owned it in The Rise of Skywalker.
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My Christmas has been everything that I’ve always wanted it to be but never dared to hope it ever would be.
For the longest time it looked like the picture below, and because of my habitual behaviour on this score I never once managed to get to the end of ET The Extra Terrestrial on TV.
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In contrast this year the strongest drink I’ve indulged in is a caramel flavoured coffee, and I’ve not been alone and sad for a single moment.
I’ve shared the walks, talks and occasion with someone I care deeply about. Together we’ve continuously supported one another whenever we’ve hit bumps in the road and continue to do so.
Sigh. Over the last few days I’ve been reflecting on my happiness – but also on my past.
That bottle of Southern Comfort seems a long long way away now and it’s been a long time since this was my reality.
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Other people may still be in a darker place though and as I type I’m conscious of this.
At this time of year there are many people on the cusp of giving up hope that life will ever hold anything for them but loneliness or despair. They suffer in silence and often succumb to darker voices that hide inside.
As well as hearing of other slimmers that have struggled recently I’ve also read about those that have been moved to other, maybe more destructive forms of self harm in the past and because of this as I write I’m left feeling sober in more ways than one.
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There was a time that I felt similarly and when I sat alone at home (not just around Christmas time) there were many many moments when I no longer wanted to be around.
Had I been ‘braver’ (stupider?) I may have crossed a line that would have seriously curtailed my time on earth.
I contemplated this more than once – and now (on the wrong side of my forties) I have so much to be grateful for.
I’m left at times feeling as if I have no right to be as happy as I am – like I’ve stolen the joy that must belong to someone else, because there are moments that it all still feels very alien.
Life though is all about context – and finding this to gain perspective is something we all struggle to do.
There are many of us who (despite there often being much evidence to the contrary) choose to label ourselves as ‘lonely’, ‘overweight’, ‘failure’, ‘alcoholic’, ‘addict’, ‘loser’, ‘stupid’, ‘weird’, or consider ourselves simply ‘unlovable’.
With the new year looming, and many people who read my blog coming from similar places to the one I did (physically and emotionally) all I can say is that there is hope.
If you’ve followed (or are just beginning to follow) my journey then I want you to see and feel what I feel and see. Hopefully if you’ve travelled with me through both the light and the dark moments in the last four years then I’ll have left you with a sense of positivity and optimism.
Maybe your life isn’t going the way that you wanted it to – but in this blog is all the evidence that you need that it can surprise you.
With effort and determination you can change things – and good vibrations sent out into the world inevitably come back when you least expect them to but most need them.
Life is a collection of moments where you can fail more often than not – where it’s easy to think there’s no point – or convince yourself that people don’t need you around, when in fact they really really do.
They gain as much from having you in their lives as you do from having them in yours.
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Although I’m not into sport particularly I can’t help thinking of a quote from Wayne Gretsky – the Canadian former professional ice hockey player and former head coach of their National team.
He’s probably said a lot of forgettable things – but one that for some reason really struck me was this one.
‘You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.’
It’s true.
If you don’t try to be better then it won’t happen by magic.
So – 2020 is fast approaching.
What do you want it to be?
Personally I’d like it to contain everything you desire and need and wholeheartedly believe that it can do if you want it enough.
So – what are you waiting for?
Get up, put your coat on and make it happen.
Davey
100 percent of the shots As I write it's dark and cold outside - but the days seem to be just a…
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Self-esteem and Body shaming: Foremost concerns in life
 Society shapes us in many ways, possibly more than we realise – from our interactions, to our personal development through to others’ perception of our bodies as a reflection of self worth.
We are social beings. Genetically we rely on one another for the survival of humanity. That primal connection makes our interactions physiologically and psychologically important. So it’s not surprising that how society perceives us affects us on many levels.
And it’s partly how society perceives our bodies that is of concern; we’re talking body image. 
When you live in a body that's constantly flagged as "undesirable" or "flawed," maintaining any semblance of optimism can get tricky. For me, that's where body positive bloggers of the plus size variety come in. Sure, logic would dictate that we shouldn't care about the mainstream media. We should know that the images we see in magazines aren't usually real. We should know that "worth" has nothing to do with dress size. Unfortunately, when you're told time and time again that there's something wrong with you, logic ceases to reign supreme from time to time.
The media in particular, has increasingly become a platform that reinforces cultural beliefs and projects strong views on how we should look, that we as individuals often unknowingly or knowingly validate and perpetuate.
The more we look at perfect images of others and then look to find those same idealized characteristics in ourselves and don’t find them, the worse we feel about ourselves.
It’s a cycle that breeds discontent.
With such strong societal scrutiny it’s easy to see how the focus on how we look can slide into the dark side – negative body image.
Life today sees image upon image of fashionably clad women, perfect skin, tiny waists, ample breasts, fashionably protruding behinds (of Kardashian and Victoria’s Secret models’ fame) all with a weight of no greater than 59kg.
They are unrealistic images of beauty, genetically impossible for many of us to emulate. Yet we are told that these unattainable bodies are normal, desirable, and achievable. When we don’t measure up we develop a strong sense of dissatisfaction and the way that manifests can be ugly.
Intolerance of body diversity has a lot to do with prejudice of size and shape in our culture. Being thin, toned and muscular has become associated with the hard-working, successful, popular, beautiful, strong, and the disciplined.
Being fat is associated with the lazy, ugly, weak, and lacking in will-power.
And I, myself strongly disagree with this. It’s just very unacceptable for my part. I was overweight about 9 months ago before I started dieting. I wasn’t accepted by a lot. People see me as an ugly, no good human being. Inferiority begets me every time I go socialize with other people and I was drowned by my own insecurities because of the judgmental society. I almost lost hope but hopefully, I didn’t. I won’t deny the fact that being overweight that time really pushed me to the brink of ending my life because of the sadness it caused me. People treat me less, as if being overweight was a crime and is abnormal.  But, reality is that no matter how body positive we consider ourselves, we sometimes can't help but feel like something is wrong with us... Because that's what we've been told from Day 1. Personally, I preach self love constantly. These days, I don't usually take it out on my body at least. I know that it isn't my fat belly's fault that I'm feeling down. I know that those feelings are a product of a culture that seems to think fatness is the worst thing a person can be. But that acknowledgment can still result in pessimism and misery.
Positive body image involves understanding that healthy attractive bodies come in many shapes and sizes, and that physical appearance says very little about our character or value as a person.
How we get to this point of acceptance often depends on our individual development and self acceptance. How we get to this point of acceptance often depends on our individual development and self acceptance.
With that, I came up with several ways to fight this concern about body shaming which enriches and promotes body positivity.
We should first, de-emphasize numbers. Kilograms on a scale don’t tell us anything meaningful about the body as a whole or our health. Eating habits and activity patterns are much more important. We should also realize that we cannot change our body type: thin, large, short or tall, we need to appreciate the uniqueness of what we have – and work with it. Also, stop comparing yourselves to others. We are unique and we can’t get a sense of our own body’s needs and abilities by comparing it to someone else. We should always keep in mind that if we base our happiness on how we look it is likely to lead to failure and frustration, and may prevent us from finding true happiness 
And for the judgmental society, recognize that size prejudice is a form of discrimination similar to other forms of discrimination. Shape and size are not indicators of character, morality, intelligence, or success. We should atleast broaden our perspective about health and beauty by reading about body image, cultural variances, or media influence.
Each of us will have a positive body image when we have a realistic perception of our bodies, when we enjoy, accept and celebrate how we are and let go of negative societal or media perpetuated conditioning.
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Unsweetened Email: UNSW Security Measures
This blog aims to dissect the email sent to all UNSW students about system security in the aftermath of the recent ANU security breach. The email will be dissected into the following components:
1. The objective of the email 2. The strengths of the email in achieving it’s objective 3. The weaknesses of the email in achieving it’s objective 4. How could this email be revised to better achieve it’s objective in the future
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1. Objective
The objective of the email was essentially to raise awareness of a possible attack, as well at to call to action those with a UNSW account to be more vigilant with their personal security. This is so that the security of UNSW’s system as a whole is less likely to be compromised as a result of us users mistakes. 
2. Strengths
Firstly, the title of the email. The preview on both my laptop and phone when I received the email included enough of the title to include the words “data breach”. While this seems innocuous, more often than not when I receive an email from anyone considered high up the UNSW management hierarchy, I know it’s been sent to everyone, and generally wont effect my day-to-day university life, and so I may scan it for (no exaggeration for effect) 2 seconds and then never look at it again. This title served as a kind of “user-beneficial click-bait” so that I actually took the time to read it.
Second and finally, the inclusion of links to relevant sites such as to a free copy of anti-virus software, the UNSW security email address, and sites for further reading. 3. Weaknesses
oH bOi, hErE wE gO. There are lots so i’ll put them in 2 main groups. 
a) Firstly, UNSW has, either intentionally or unintentionally, created an “us and them” dynamic between the management/top of the food-chain, and the students/staff who received this email. This was achieved in the second paragraph: 
“While UNSW has technical controls in place, careless behaviour and user errors remain the weakest links in cyber security. Breaches of security can occur through social media, emails or visiting websites infected with malware.”
This quote can essentially be boiled down into a single line that reads, “while WE (us) are exceptional at security, YOU (them) might f**k things up, the uni is totally not to blame if things go wrong.”
What’s unfortunate is although this is true, in that users are usually the cause of system failures, UNSW’s attempt to distance themselves from blame, even before any kind of breach has occurred, puts a sour taste in my, the reader, the one who could be the cause of a breach, mouth. As a result, I approach the rest of the email with a healthy amount of pessimism, which is not good for the university if they are trying to get people who read this to actually act. This is evidenced as 0 / >150 students in the lecture took any security bolstering measures following the sending of the email.
b) The ‘Tips for staying safe ...” part of the email is full of, what we in the security world call, bullshit. The title of the first tip is:
“Avoid being scammed. Stop and think before you click.”
Oh my goodness, THANK YOU, it’s all so simple now, I just won’t get scammed and everything will be fine! You know, before that piece of advice, I was actually actively trying to go out on the internet and get myself scammed. You know, clicking the “cute single girls in my area” links and filtering through my spam email folder to reply to all the Nigerian War Generals that promised me a vast fortune based on rough diamond exports (see James Veitch’s “replying to spam emails” video on youtube for a good laugh). 
What’s worse is that following this headline is the claim that:
“UNSW will never ask you for your username or password.”
Which, as we found by a quick show of hands in the lecture, is quite false. I myself have entered a password for a UNSW website, or entered a UNSW website where my password is remembered, about 4 times today, and it’s only 1:15pm at the time of typing this sentence.
The fourth and fifth tip are cut from the same cloth so I will analyse them together. The main issue with these tips are they gloss over what ought to be concrete and actionable advice with fairly general phrases. Most notable are the phrases:
“Ensure you download apps from reputable publishers”, and “Choose complex passwords and keep them secure.”
While both good pieces of advice, they are not supported by anything I, the reader, can do to follow them. Most people who will read this will think, what makes a reputable publisher? How can I find out if my apps are by reputable publishers? What makes a password complex? What can I do to keep my password secure? Ultimately, people will be curious, but not curious enough to do their own research about how many characters ought to be in a password to make it sure, and what mix of capital letters, lowercase letters, numbers and symbols should be used. Further, you can bet your left hand that no average person is going to research the developer of their apps to come to their own conclusion on if they are trustworthy, when almost all of us don’t even read terms and conditions for the products and software we use. 
4. Recommendations and improvements
I’m going to structure this with an order respective to the points of weakness I raised, i.e. the first change will relate to the “us and them” issue and so on in that order.
a) UNSW’s management team needs to read “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. By doing that, they would come to understand that the best way to get someone to see your perspective is to come from a position of understanding theirs and positioning yourself as on their team in the discussion. Instead of creating the “us and them” mentality in their email, they should set it up so that the management and the rest of us are all unified under one collective organisation and we, as a whole, as a team, don’t want to have a security breach. This could be done really easily, by changing the phrasing from “while we take measures...” to something like “in light of the breach, the security team is taking measures to improve the safety of everyone’s personal information, so while we work to ensure you are safe, here are some thing’s everyone can do to help.” Something like this puts everyone on the same side, which we ought to be, and makes everyone more receptive to advice, since we feel as though it is coming from a friend. b) The issue with the tips is that the advice is simplified but a course of action isn’t. Ultimately, for action to be taken, I think it is better (albeit not perfect) to present more detail in the advice, and then a clear (and within reason, simplified) course of action, a kind of reversal of what has been presented in the email. Instead of “don’t get hacked” and then pretty useless advice on how, it should be more detailed advice and clear, actionable steps that we as users can take. As a quick aside, this would be well supported by not saying things that discredit the validity of the email like “UNSW will never ask for your password”.
For points four and five of the tips section, it’s small things like taking the extra sentence to recommend the use of a password with at least 8 characters, with at least 1 lowercase letter, 1 uppercase letter, 1 number and 1 special character that makes the advice easier for the average person that doesn’t know much about password security to follow. It also might be something like, do a quick news search on the developer of the app, see how many apps they’ve published, see how many times the app has been downloaded and read the reviews. Well this took way longer than expected, but hopefully there’s some interesting and insightful stuff in there for people who want to read it.  B.
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berniesrevolution · 7 years
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In 2016, pundits speculated endlessly on that mysterious place called Trump Country. To many in the Beltway, much of America was a foreign country, to be analyzed statistically rather than in person. Chris Arnade, on the other hand, was determined to escape his coastal bubble. Arnade got into his old van, and has spent the last several years traveling hundreds of thousands of miles, interviewing people all over the country, discovering their joys, sorrows, discontents, and aspirations. In the process he has produced a set of photographs and stories, depicting the everyday Americans who are left out of the media’s understandings of the country, and who feel left out of the 21st century economy. Arnade spoke to Current Affairs editor Nathan J. Robinson about what he has learned in his travels.
NR: You’ve traveled over 100,000 miles across America talking to people from all stripes of life. What are some of the misconceptions that people have about the country they live in? What are some things people think they know about America that are totally wrong?
CA: Everyone knows we’re a divided country, but I don’t think people understand exactly how deep that division is, and what the true nature of it is. I was a banker for 20 years. I lived in Brooklyn Heights, I sent my kids to private school. I was paid well; I had a Ph.D. in physics. I was kind of the New York neoliberal elite who valued science, valued rationality. And that elite built a world over the last 30 years that is massively unequal. I think everybody knows statistically that we have massive wealth inequality and continued racial inequality. But we kind of pat ourselves on the back and say we’re an egalitarian society in other ways. We’ve given equal legal status to gender, sexuality, and race. And so we kind of think we’ve addressed many of the issues. But when you go out in the country, you realize that we’re massively unequal, and we’re unequal beyond economics. We’re unequal in terms of the way we live, how we choose to live, unequal in our valuation framework, what we view as moral, what we view as right and wrong, what we view as the goals. And beyond the obvious racial differences, which are huge—I spent, as much time in poor minority neighborhoods as I did in poor white working class neighborhoods—the most salient division I see beyond race is education.
NR: Yes, you’ve described this framework for thinking about educational inequality, what you call the “front row kids” versus the “back row kids.” The kids who did well in school and advanced to the top of the economic ranks, and the kids who were sort of left behind, and the differences that creates in their worldview. Could you talk a little bit about that framework and what that division in worldview really is?
CA: Right, the front row kids and the back row kids. Now within that there are some divisions and complexities obviously. But the most salient thing about it is that it’s not about political party. It’s non-partisan. “Front row kids” means both Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton. The front row is anybody who comes from an elite school, Princeton, Harvard, the Ivies or has a postgraduate degree, Ph.D. They’re mobile, global, and well-educated. Their primary social network is via college and career. That’s how they define themselves, through their job. And within that world intellect is primary. They view the world through a framework of numbers and rational arguments. Faith is irrational, and they see themselves as beyond gender. You can describe this using other frameworks, like “the Acela corridor” types.
On the Democratic side, you can think of the Matt Yglesias types in the media, these kinds of global technocrats, policy wonks. Their framework is: “Give me a problem and I’ll devise a maximally optimal solution using my data.” Most importantly, though, they view their lives as having been better than their parents, and they think their children’s lives will be better than their own. And for them, that’s still true.
The front row kids have won. They’re in charge of things. They are the donor class in politics, they’re the analysts and specialists who scream every time someone has a policy difference they disagree with. “You can’t do X, you’re going to cause a global world war.” Or “You can’t get rid of NAFTA,” “you can’t do Brexit.”
NR: What about the “back row kids,” then? What is that segment of society, and what is the difference in its worldview?
CA: It encompasses a lot of types of people, but it’s defined by its difference with the front row. It’s not just the “white working class,” it includes minorities, black kids who are stuck in east Buffalo or central Cleveland or Bronx in New York. Mostly they don’t have an education beyond high school degree and if they do it’s kind of cobbled together through trade schools and community colleges and smaller state schools. Their primary social network is via institutions beyond work such as family. And their community is defined geographically, meaning they generally don’t leave where they grew up. They might leave for 5-6 years to go to the military, take jobs that bring them to Alaska for a few years, but they’ll come back.
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And they have different kinds of worldviews and values. They find meaning and morality through faith, which is also a form of community. And if you read the work of [Harvard sociologist] Michèle Lamont, she writes about the ethos of the decency of hard work. It’s the idea that you don’t necessarily use your brain to advance, you use your strength and you use your commitment. You’re going to play by the rules, you’re going to break a few rocks, you’re going to work hard. It’s also, and here’s where I’ll sweep a lot under the rug, a kind of traditional view of race and gender.
This group of people views their life as worse than their parents, and they think their children’s lives will be worse than theirs. And that’s rational, from their perspective. After all, they’ve lost. Their kind of worldview has been devalued, because it’s the front row kids that have been in charge: the globalized, rational meritocracy versus the more traditional concepts of morality.
NR: You mention rationality. One of the things that seems to puzzle elites as they try to understand these other parts of society is that they feel the grievances there are genuinely irrational. From their perspective, free trade has been good for everybody, it’s made everybody better off than the alternative. And so they don’t understand these kinds of populist backlashes in the form of the support for Trump (or Bernie Sanders), because they feel like the rage and the desire to destroy the elite is a failure to recognize their own self-interest. After all, why would you vote for someone whose economic policies are irrational, or who, like Trump, might destroy the universe? It just doesn’t make sense. They don’t know why people hate experts, since experts have expertise, and expertise is good!
CA: Well, let me approach it this way. I think that when you talk about any group’s failings as being atavistic, because of laziness, because of weakness, because of some other failing, you’re doing it wrong as a progressive. So when we progressives look at poor minorities and, from a sociological perspective, the frustrations and deviances that are there, and when conservatives say “Hey, there’s more crime in black neighborhoods because they’re more violent” or “There’s higher unemployment because they’re lazier,” we liberals rightly push back. We say “Whoah, let’s look at the structural issues here. Let’s look at the structural racism that denies them access to jobs. Let’s look at the structural inequalities in the educational system which provide a harder route for them to leave.”
And I’d say you have to do that for all groups, instead of dismissing them as irrational. And that includes the white working class. You have to look at the context of what they’re facing. So from their perspective, knocking over the system probably makes sense because their worldview is being devalued. It’s being devalued monthly, has been devalued for 25 years.
Now, some of that devaluation I agree with; I believe the idea that you should get supremacy from being white and male should be devalued. But regardless of what you disagree with, that devaluation is happening. And they’re also being devalued economically. And then, even further, their whole worldview, their sense of place and meaning, is being eroded.
So let’s talk about NAFTA, you alluded to NAFTA and free trade. Mathematically it works, because the winners win more than the losers lose. So on a net basis, you say: “Hey look! The data says everybody wins.” There are three fundamental problems with that. One is that winners never share with the losers, that just doesn’t happen. Secondly, what you’re measuring is a very narrow framework of what’s valuable; you’re making the assumption that everybody wants more stuff, having more stuff is what meaning’s about. But the back row finds meaning through their connections, their community, through their structure. When they lose, they’ve lost everything. When the factories go, the town and community fall apart. Their churches hollow out. Their families start facing problems with drugs. So when your sense of meaning and place and valuation comes from your community, and your community gets eroded, that’s it. Game over.
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NR: And this something quite real, it’s not an illusion, it’s not just on paper. You’ve traveled all over, and there really are communities like that, that have just been hollowed out. And you’ve extensively covered the drug epidemic.
CA: I didn’t get into this because I wanted to write about politics. I got into this because I was writing about drugs. And I always kind of glibly say that wherever I went to find drugs, I found hope leaving. And where I found hope leaving I saw Trump entering, if it was a white community. Drugs don’t just go into a place because people are lazy; drugs go into a place because drugs work and help. They’re a get-meaning-quick scheme. So is fascism, so is populism. Both these things give a sense of meaning. People use drugs because they think their life is stuck. It’s a form of suicide, and for them, it’s a way of finding some relief from something that seems like it’s not working. That they’re humiliated and devalued, and they want to find a way to fight back against that. And drugs are just one way to do that, with another way being fascism and populism.
NR: So the rise of Trump is definitely some kind of response to despair and hopelessness, then.
CA: Oh, hell yeah. But I would go even further. First, just because I say I’m not surprised this happened, doesn’t mean I’m justifying it. But what I’m saying is: if you want to put a recipe together to create populist fascist white identity politics, we’ve done it over the past 20-30 years. We’ve created a system that’s immensely unequal, created a ruling class, which is educated and uses their education to elevate themselves and demean anybody else. And we’ve rendered it not simply economic, but cultural as well. These divisions are massive. You can blindfold me and put me in any town in the United States and I can tell you within five minutes if it has a college in it or not.
There are these marches across the country that are taking place against Trump. And they’re great. I approve. I don’t like Trump. But there’s a meme that’s going around now that says: “Look it’s all across America. It’s even happening in Texas! And Arkansas! But it’s happening on a goddamn college campus in Texas and Arkansas. I spent a week and a half in two towns, Kalamazoo and Battle Creek, Michigan, separated by 35 miles. One has a college, one doesn’t. Which one do you think voted for Trump? First time they ever voted for a Republican.
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