#this went wayyy off subject so lemme know if i should like.. back track...

[procrastinationonvacation]

Bear with me here, but I am firm in my belief that the tapestries in the Halls of Mandos function like movie screens, showing either important events or important people (often said important people are just going about their daily lives).

So all the dead members of the House of Finwe just sit around a tapestry with imaginary popcorn and watch the world. Some of it is tragic and moving of course, but so much of it is benine (they spend the majority of the second age trying to figure out who Gil-galads parents are).

But once things start happening in the third age (in which our movie-watchers have previously split their time alternatively encouraging Galadriel to deck Saruman in the face, and getting weirdly invested in Shire politics) they quickly develop a favourite hero. Said hero is Eowyn. She reminds them all of Aredhel, and by the time she joins the army they’re all in mass support of everything she does.

What I’m saying is that once Eowyn actually fights the Witch-King, she has the entire House of Finwe cheering her name, and when she wins they all riot so hard Namo kicks them out of the Halls. Naturally both Maedhros and Anaire (once someone tells her about it) lament the fact that they couldn’t marry Eowyn instead of their current husbands, and the rest of the family vehemently insist that Arwen chose the wrong mortal.

HCanon I absolutely ADORE THIS. However, if it doesn’t culminate in Gandalf being forced to go back to ME to “go get our girl” under pain of death until Eowyn is like “no I’m good” at which point Olorin has to haul ass *back* to Valinor, while a very upset Faramir is protesting that he’d like to see the undying lands, pretty please with a cherry on top. (I love Faramir very much and im sorry)

Also, just to be clear: they know Saruman is bad news pretty early and are angrily yeeting popcorn, almonds, and the occasional knife whenever he shows up on screen. At first Namo thinks its just them being Overly Aggressive, and honestly, the Feanorians aren’t quite sure why they hate him so much either. But at some point Saruman does turn evil and the valar do concede that when it comes to being oddly in tune with exactly who is “a traitorous piece of shit” the shiny murder family (minus Celebrimbor who is a kind and innocent soul) takes the cake.

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Further bonus: they demand occasional cuts to Maglor, which is then spliced in comedically, in a “Meanwhile Maglor” segment which could well be the same clip over and over. *insert that meme where the child wipes away a movie screen characters tear*

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When Frodo first shows up, he is almost crushed by the whole family demanding to meet the mayor. Frodo is really confused who “the mayor” is and if he is also “the potato man” until he finally exclaims “Why that’s SAM!” He is swiftly informed that no one ever calls him that, jeeze, but yes that’s “Sam.” Where is “Sam.”

They also go after Galadriel for giving Sam that tree and magic dirt because she really upset the balance of power there, but did she even consider that?? NOOOOO. She didnt.

There were all those rumors of Sam’s mayor ship being blessed. Was she aware of that?? Of the ridiculousness she’d brought into what was normally Good Ordered Politics!!! Galadriel’s like “fuck yeah I did think about that actually, and can you Really say Sam doesn’t deserve a little bit of awe from the people there”

The Feanorians realize that, being Galadriel, Galadriel is RIGHT. And since they have no sense of a middle ground, they get in contact with their sleeper agent Maglor (who’s obviously a sleeper agent and very much in contact with them, shut up). Who will now fulfill my life’s ambition of forming a cult as a (in)famous bard. The cult of Samwise the potato man. Sam would like to know what the Fuck is going on and he shows up to Valinor with Questions. (please ignore this paragraph, I just want a cult)

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Of course they’re also very pleased with Frodo, who is Small and a very precious little guy. Because we ALL love Frodo.

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Thanks so much for the ask, your head canons are hilarious and full of life as always. Have a great day :)

-Sam

#HCanon #shiny murder family #sam is a potato god now and I dont make the rules #this went wayyy off subject so lemme know if i should like.. back track... #asks