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#this one looks to be a 25K story hahaha
lambourngb · 3 years
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"understand" for the Fanfiction Work-In-Progress Guessing Game
from “if I woke up next to you” the LYW sequel:
“We were just kids,” Alex finally replied after it was clear Greg was finished. “The only person who had any responsibility in keeping us safe was Dad, and he’s the one who failed, not you. I would be the biggest hypocrite alive to begrudge you in what you did to protect yourself, okay? I forgive you, if that is what you need to hear.”
“Does that mean you forgive Mom too?” 
Fuck. Even though Greg’s voice was kind, the words still raked across old wounds. He made a note to call his therapist later as he swallowed down that knot of pain in his throat. 
“Yeah, she had to keep herself safe, too. Survival is a strong instinct, and I can understand it.” Understand it, forgive it, but he would probably never forget the sight of his mother, stone-faced with red eyes, pressing a kiss on his forehead before picking up her suitcase, leaving him in that house at age eight. Alex kept his gaze on Michael, who was now flopped on the grass wrestling with Beckett for the tennis ball. They had a dog together, and already Alex couldn’t imagine leaving Beckett behind in an unsafe house, let alone a child. “At the funeral, I invited her to the wedding.”
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anythingtrxsh · 4 years
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Hahaha I know you don’t like to read anything super sad or angsty but do you know a ff where one of them perhaps passes or gets extremely injured? Lol this sounds weird but those heart wrenching moments get me!
bro are u okay omg :( but yeah i guess i know a few fics like that. beware cowards like me, this ask hurts!
(but fr tho, bc i am a certified Coward i probably haven’t read half of these fics. so please check the tags and warnings before proceeding)
You found me lost [39k] by mintsoda {no mcd-- but several injuries. i just really love this fic overall}
(thought you knew) you were in this song [35k] by expplipo {mcd-- i have read this one tho (my dumbass missed the mcd tag) and it fuckn hurt im ngl im still not over this damn fic}
time would envy us [25k] by nikkumeul {mcd-- i havent read this one either bc like i said i am a chicken but nikkumeul is a vv vv good writer so}
Ghost Story [19k] by mindheist {no mcd-- well, kinda. but not really? it’s amazing tho so read}
In the Blind [9k] by mindheist {mcd-- mindheist is the only reason i put myself through this one and i both love and hate them at the same time}
there goes the fear [6k] by sassyneki {mcd-- havent read this one but the soulmate part is really making my coward ass want to suffer}
the sky is blue and the sun is shining by astringxnt {mcd-- i also missed the tag on this one and i was Not expecting for him to die like that. i was just looking for a cute soulmates au and yet :(( }
happy reading!!
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lala-pipo · 3 years
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(1/13) Ahh, yeah I just went over to the shower scene again, the scenes before and after it, and maybe because I was really immersed in Taem’s perspective at looking at things – I quite literally took it as is, like Jong had mood swings, not sure why and that’s it? But there IS something fragile in Jong, he acted oddly, and you are right that Taem does feel helpless and stuck in his own thoughts… it’s kinda hard to see the scenes unfold without Taem’s opinion on it right hahaha
(2) but that makes it really interesting for me, since I just literally follow Taem’s train of thoughts every time, until you pointed it out to me! Kinda feel bad about for not noticing it though ^^;; but yeah, for sure as an audience, we are just “pls come on you guys!! :(“ But, from chapter 10 we get to know Jong’s thoughts and feelings ououou sooo excited since so far we see Taem’s world and yeah!! I think maybe we would be able to see why Jong acted the way he did in the prev. chapters :3
Cricket nony!!! ❤️
How are you doing???
I mean it will still be Taemin’s POV from chapter 10 on (I don’t like it when people switch POV in the middle of a story Stephanie Meyer style :’D) but Jonghyun will be more expressive and talk more – so I guess this will be helpful to the reader to grasp his view on things. 
(3) Right! He did get blinded by his own feelings, because maybe he doesn’t realize, well he does realize that it mirrors Jong-Key relationship to an extent, but not the whole of it? Like how he said to Jong, Key made Jong feel bad and upset so therefore he should just leave Key, and told him to stop pining for Key, but then eyy he can’t stop pining for Jong lol but then maybe he sees it as a slightly ~different~ situation hahaha
Let’s say Taemin is blindsided by love and acts and behaves in odd ways lmao, he will continue to do so in chapter 9. ^^”
(4) OMG CHAPTER 8!! YOU DID! YOU WENT IN like a warrior indeed omg… I cried cried cried… I re-read that outside club scene like so many times… because it just makes me so sad and *sniff* you did cut all the strings without any mercy uhuhuhuhuh I am looking forward on how the story will continue omg Taem going back to the hometown?? Where will the story go?? Drought onto chapter 9? Will Taem skip a semester on University and be back for Autumn instead?? T__T
(5) Right in front of your own salad lol YEAHH I saw the JongTae oneshots, I haven’t read them yet, I think I will read them when chapter 9 gets too much (honestly, mentally preparing myself for what is to come) T__T Hahaha but I think slice of life genre has some angst and fights sometimes too right, since it supposed to reflect real life right right, so it’s still generally a chill read, as in we even get to know Taem’s thoughts as he reads the bible, and also on dystopian-what-ifs scenarios l
Awww ... don’t cry :(
No, Taemin won’t skip a semester – that would be – too dramatic? Someone wasting their life away for half a year because of someone who doesn’t reciprocate their feelings? Don’t know about that. That seems a tad unlikely to me. ^^” But maybe that’s just me because I’m such a cold-hearted human being. :’)
(6) LOL yeah that is true you do know ~ the truth~ lol but perhaps you telling us that Taem is an unreliable narrator might help us? Lol might help us to doubt everything but literally will not help us to actually see the things, the scenes, the people, the relationships as is? honestly that is one of the big mysteries – everyone gets along so well with Key! And, for sure I’m taking everything with a grain of salt but still can’t help but feel sad for Taem :( obviously, since we are in his head
I mean if you come to think of it, Taemin got along well with Kibum as well in the beginning until he started developing feelings for Jonghyun and realized – or thought that Kibum is the one intervening with the happiness he could experience with Jonghyun.^^ I mean Kibum doesn’t do much, he just lives the typical life of a university student and enjoys himself - we can’t blame him for doing that. 
(7) Right right as Taem is an unreliable narrator, I can’t tell lol but either way you are right, with or without intentions, humans are humans and we don’t know anything. Knowing that if Minho DID have intentions only add spice in the story but not really change the fact that he might be giving out bad advice unintentionally, like maybe he could have ulterior motives in general, but not particularly on that advice, does it make sense hahaha ^^;;
(8) Ahhh yeah I think maybe the scene in chapter 8 made it clearer of the emotional frustrations that Taem had with Jong? I think even the fact that you added 25k words alone on this chapter I think signifies that Taem was going through his head a lot, muddling his thoughts and frustrations with Jong? To kinda show that maybe not THAT much time has passed by, but surely in Taem’s head it feels like forever – with some many thoughts and feelings going around :(
I think why it does feel like a long time, although it’s just one semester – is the fact that they share a living space – and see each other constantly. That’s a completely different premise in contrast to people meeting out in the wild and meeting up for a cup of coffee now and then, or something the like. So the time Taemin spent with Jonghyun most likely felt far more intense to him.
(9) Dramatic Taem even reading the bible hahaha I really enjoy the biblical references though, most of the time they are funny references on how he compares something trivial to a bible thing xD Oh! And also!! Happy belated birthday! Is it December 3rd? Is that your birthday? Since it was a very specific date in the story that it got me wondering… hmmm could it possibly? I hope you were able to spend it with the people you love, and I wish you health and happiness for the years to come! <3
This is correct. ^^ December 3rd is my birthday and December 3rd was also the date I got to see Jonghyun live for the first time – so it has a double meaning. ^^ Thank you, you’re too kind. I had pizza on that day, so I had a lovely time…haha
(10) Big brain energy for the mythological aspect of Song of Sirens lol but but you know did I mention, ah probably I didn’t since I only do snort comments on Dorm Life lol but interestingly, I thought that Song of Siren would actually refer to a story of Jong having such a beautiful voice – as in he is the Siren and he be singing in the myth, but as it turned ouuut it is not the case lol
(11) That is why!! In the beginning especially I was really excited to know how the story might unfold to reveal that Jong is the siren, but then! (at least for me) it took an unexpected turn hahahah I already created a possible plot for the story before even reading the story lol so it was really fresh mint plot for mee :3
Ah – that’s interesting that you thought Jonghyun would be another siren. :o Jonghyun was supposed to be Selene first – but I thought that was 1) too obvious and 2) the story of the sirens and Persephone actually exists like that and wasn’t completely made up, so it was easier to tie the ends together. And I mean Jonghyun as the goddess of spring? That works well in my head as well. ^^
(12) Oh!! And don’t worry! I actually love doing this – making comments, observations, analyzations and actually asking you if they are your intentions or not! It’s like washing dishes and cleaning up my room, therapeutically calming! :3 I’m happy that it makes you happy <3 I am indeed sorry for blasting your inbox though… it must have been a LOT of messages ^^;; thank you for spending your time with my weird questions and observations honestly lol I read all of your AO3 replies, thank you!
I still haven’t managed to get through all of your comments on ao3 – but I hopefully will by the end of the year. Thanks again so much for leaving me so many comments to read <3 I wholeheartedly enjoy reading them. ^^
(13) I am doing much much better now! Thank you for your kind words <3 I really really appreciate the work that you put in Dorm Life! I have so much fun reading it! Like I only re-read it twice but I noticed things that I didn’t before, I’m just!! I am just super happy and I am super thankful for all your hardwork! I hope you have a lovely December too! I hope you can stay healthy as well! Thank you so much hwarang_number san for reading and betaing also! You guys are amazinggg! <3 Thank you!!
@hwarang-number thank you from me too! ^^
I’m glad you enjoyed the story so far. Chapter 9 will be a let-down in terms of entertainment value – it’s more of a filler chapter, but I still enjoyed writing it so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ for me as a writer it doesn’t feel like a filler, but I know it will feel like that to the reader. But I wanted chapter 9 to end on a cliffhanger, that’s why I didn’t add anything to it anymore. I hope chapter 10 will be more enjoyable in that regard again. ^^
Please take good care of yourself, cricket nony. I hope you will have a pleasant rest of December! *sends you all the best wishes*
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himluv · 5 years
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I’m so excited to share this new layout with all of you! I really like this one. It’s crisp, super easy to navigate, and very professional looking. It also feels a bit more dynamic than last year’s. I’m not sure if that’s because of the contrasting aqua and purple (my favorite colors), or the widgets, or the site logo, but I do know I like it a lot.
Now, let’s get down to business and talk about what the heck happened in 2018!
In 2018 I said I wanted to:
Finish The Steel Armada
Finish Santa Sarita
Submit 2 short stories
Publish 52 blog posts
Read 65 books
Maintain my yoga practice
 How’d it go?
Finish The Steel Armada
…Yes! As far as I’m concerned, right now, this project is stamped ‘done’. It turned out nothing how I planned, and became almost a complete rewrite halfway through 2018. The Steel Armada became Exodus: Descent, a SolarPunk novella. I sent it to Tim the Agent™ back in August, but have not heard from him. I’m shelving it for now, though I have plans for future novellas set in the same world. So, final status of this project is: Done for now.
Finish Santa Sarita
No. I thought so, and then BAM, another sequel appeared. I bit off a lot with this one, and I’m a little worried about it. So, this will be a pretty high priority in 2019. I don’t want this project lingering over my head anymore. Project status: In Progress.
Submit 2 short stories
Heck yes! This was much easier to do than I thought when I made this goal. So much so that by the end of 2018 I had three stories out for submission.
Publish 52 blog posts
Yep. And then some. This was, hands-down, the best year the blog has ever had. 119 posts, an average of one comment per post, and over 5,000 hits this year has really blown my mind. Consistency really is key.
Read 65 books
Yes! I read 67 books this year! It wasn’t easy, by any means, but I had just enough time and graphic novels to really pad my Goodreads Challenge.
Maintain my yoga practice
Hahaha. No. I got bronchitis two weeks into 2018 and fell out of my practice. I’m contemplating trying again this year, but with two jobs and some lofty writing goals, I’m not sure if I can dedicate the time.
2018 Total Word Count: 149,331 
Honorable Mentions
2018 was an eventful year, both personally and in my working life. I received a scholarship to attend the Oregon Writer’s Colony Annual Conference in April, which really affirmed that I’m on the right track and making strides in this whole writing life thing. Right about that time I started submitting my short stories for the first time in over four years. That was a roller coaster all its own, and has been a great learning experience and growth opportunity for me.
June saw my traditional wave of summer depression. I coped by binge-playing Horizon Zero Dawn and eating way too many Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.
But, July and August were some of my most productive months of the year, with the completion of Exodus and the rough draft of my newest short story, That Which Illuminates Heaven.
September was the least productive month of the year, and reasonably so because we spent 12 days in Germany! It was an amazing trip, the exact vacation we so desperately needed, and our first journey abroad together. We hope to spend more time in Munich someday, especially for Christmas. And of course, we have other travel dreams! Ireland, New Zealand, Italy, the UK! The world is a big place, and I want to see as much of it as we can.
October was spent readjusting to working two jobs and outlining and researching for my new novel. Writing was limited and that sucked, but it was all part of the plan. It worked out, because I met my word count goal for November, with a startling 25k words! That’s about a third of the planned manuscript, which is kind of crazy if I think about it too much.
December is a busy month in our house, what with my birthday and the holiday. Add in the mental recuperation from Nanowrimo and it meant I just didn’t expect much from myself that month. But I did finish my reading goal while I let my writing muscle relax!
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I read 16,300 pages across 67 titles in 2018!
I also flexed my editing muscle this year with The Audient Void. We released two issues this year, and are on the cusp of releasing a new chapbook of some of David Barker’s previously unpublished short stories, Half in Light, Half in Shadow.
2018’s word was FOCUS. It was my mantra, the thing I came back to when I felt out of control or like I was drowning in my workload. Based on how well my year went, I think it worked. So, I want to pick a new word for 2019:
INTENT.
I want to be purposeful in my writing, I want to take the time to better learn my craft and write with more intention. I don’t really know what that will mean for my writing just yet, but I bet I will by January 1, 2020.
What am I doing in 2019?
I am finishing the Tavi rough draft. I’m already a third of the way there. In an ideal world this rough draft will be done by the end of March/beginning of April. Realistically, this will take the first half of the year.
I will finish Santa Sarita. This is a big job still. I think, right now, I’m really stuck in my head about it. I need to sit down and start writing this story again and let it take the reins. I honestly think that’s the only way it’ll get done.
I will revise Cards. This is the project that comes after the Tavi rough draft. I wrote Cards back in 2014, and I’ve learned a lot since then. Much like The Steel Armada, I anticipate Cards will require extensive rewrites. But, I’m ready. I learned how to do that last year and I’m equipped with the skills and knowledge to do it again this year.
I will publish something! This is a tricky one. I don’t actually have much control over this goal. There are a lot of factors that go into getting a piece published and almost none of them are decided by me. But, I have three stories out right now. I want at least one of them to find a home.
I will publish two blog posts a week. I’ve got this into a rhythm now, so I’m confident I can do it again.
I will read 70 titles. I exceeded my reading goal this year, it only makes sense to increase it in 2019.
If time allows, I’d like to…
Make considerable progress (30k words) on From the Quorum. This novel is the first in a planned trilogy, and is my longest-lived idea. I first met these characters in 2009, and they are still around, patiently waiting for me to tell their story. I don’t know if I’ll make much progress on it this year, but  it will definitely be a priority in 2020.
Write a new short story! I have three out now that are performing well. It’s just a matter of time before one of them finds a home. It’d be nice to have one waiting in the wings and ready to go when that finally happens.
Submit Exodus to novella markets. I actually think this one is pretty likely to happen. But, with Tavi and Cards looming, this won’t be on my radar until the later half of the year.
There’s a lot to do in 2019. I probably bit off more than I can chew, especially since I’m working two jobs right now. There’s also always the reading and editing for Madhu and The Audient Void to consider.
So, in short, I’m a busy busy lady and nothing about that will change in 2019. I look forward to sharing that journey with all of you in the coming months.
I’ll be back later this week with the Monthly Recap!
Until then, Blogland.
  BZ
New Year’s, New Look – 2019 I'm so excited to share this new layout with all of you! I really like this one.
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masslessobtrusion · 3 years
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I have moved upstairs out of the modly basement onto a couch. I have asked people to use other doors because my brother was walking through here 10-15 times a night to smoke cigs and drink beers in the garage.  This confirmed my fears of the cat getting out in the garage. It has been happening for months. I made a huge deal out of this. How this is a huge fear of mine and my brother knew it was happening for months. So, now that door is off limits to use. He admitted it when I realized the cat was stuck out there one day. The first night I slept up here.  I fixed my Dad’s computer. The start menu wasn’t working and it was filled with mal-ware. All of his accounts are corrupted. He doesn’t understand things like where to search.  He was watching a motorcycle video and there was a cyclist on the road. He said “look at that stupid f@$ot!I I hope he fucking dies!”. He has always hated cyclists for some reason. Even when I was little he used to buzz by them and joked about how he wanted to put a boxing glove on a tomato stake to hit them while they are riding the bikes because he has to swerve around them sometimes. It’s the strangest thing. It’s another example of the insane road rage he experiences every time he drives or goes somewhere. Today when I was fixing my computer I was just saying things about how I like a YouTube channel. I was fixing his computer. It took about 20-30 minutes and I was making food while doing it. I asked to watch a video about motorcycles I thought would be informative for him and he snapped at me to just go outside and shoot your ball! It’s so fucking weird. Watching a news story, “he screams, I hope someone shoots that fucking n-word! hahaha”. I lived in Boulder for 10 years and there was a mass shooting at a grocery store I frequented. My Dad was laughing at the “rich assholes” getting shot and said it’s probably fake. He’s truly a distrubed piece of shit. I have reached out to another friend from my past. Ashley.  She talked about how she should be making $25k more a year at her high paying corporate job. I’m like. Yeah, I can’t get a doctor to take me seriously because of my drug history. It was still nice to talk to someone. I talked to Arielle and have been laying off texting her.  I have an appointment with a doctor on the 22nd. I have been very healthy lately. Exercising everyday by playing basketball. Vitamins, vitmain d, only a few diet sodas, water ,metamucil, light snakes. I’m at a weight where I can start to get really strong again.  I haven’t smoked weed in weeks. I just make edibles and a gram lasts me 3-4 days.  I’ve been thinking about dating lately. I’ve been getting hornier. Arielle sent me a picture the other day, and god damn she looks so good.  I don’t know what it is about her. She’s beautiful by any standard. But not like super model hot. But her body is very fit. She has a great smile. Some of the best braids I’ve ever seen when she breads her hair. She would rarely wear a bra and she has very aesthetically pleasing nipples.  I told her a story about how I saw a girl from a block away in 2015 and made sure to make a u-turn on my motorcycle close to where she was standing to check her out. I told her this, but left this part out, but I could see her nipples through her shirt from that far away, lol. That’s like one of my biggest turn-ons. I said she was wearing a kind of see-through shirt. When I got closer, I realized it was her and was like oh shit, I hope she doesn’t recognize me. But she had only seen my red bike, this was a green on I had just bought was dating Lauren and she was with her boyfriend. I texted her a week later to confirm it was her. But yeah.  That means I’m getting healthier, because I’m getting hornier. Arielle is like the perfect kind of girl to me. It has been a weird relationship. I’d be hesitant to tell her I love her, she doesn’t feel that way towards me. We dated in 2011 and 2013. She’s beautiful but she dresses down and never wears makeup, so it doesn’t attract every eyeball/douchebag in the room trying to neg you and fuck her. If she cared about me as much as I could care about her. She could’ve helped me earlier. I twisted her arm into it. I’m not sure if it’s real. Or if she’s just fearful of me. She says it’s real.  I’m still hacking up black stuff. I took the antibiotics as prescribed. I have a doctors appointment on the 22nd to see what the issue is. Depending on that. I’m going to have to make a next move. I said to my Dad, depending on the diagnosis. I may have to fly to England or something. He scoffed “ha, that aint happening!”. Also, I picked up 10 2mg kpins. I am going to take them responsibly. I took half of one today. About to pop a half right now. This will get me through to the 22nd for the doctors appointment.
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tellywoodtrash · 7 years
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ishqbaaz 14.09.17 lb
it’s so strange to not have anika around. like... the ghar/room/show actually seems khaali khaali. i didn’t feel like this when nakuul went on vacay. hence proved that surbhi is the actual jaan of this show. 😌😌😌
itne dino baad yeh banda kuch kaam kar raha hai, yeh rudra ka bachcha woh bhi nahi karne dega. 😒😒😒
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i’m already giggling at shivaay’s face. 😂😂😂
“yeh waali problem thodi ajeeb hai.” 
bhaiyya is intrigued. 😯😯😯
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“it’s about my... performance, bhaiyya.” 
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA THE HIGH PITCHED “HUHHHH?!?!!?” SHIVAAY LET OUT HAHAHA 🤣🤣🤣🤣
“mujhe bhavya ko prove karna hai!!!” “kya?” “KI MAIN BACHCHA NAHI HOON! MAIN MARD HOON! PAR MUJHSE KUCH HO NAHI RAHA!!!!!!”
hahahaha shivaay’s like I LOVE YOU BABY BRO BUT I REALLY DON’T NEED TO KNOW THIS 😫😫😫😫
love that even in between the convo, shivaay did that standard hindu gesture of reverence to the dropped file, and indicated to rudra to do the same. like, it’s just an inbuilt habit for me to do that to books/paper/people if i accidentally touch them with my foot. it was suchhhhhh a hard thing to explain to white people when i was in usa. 😐😐😐
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hahahahahaha poor shivaaaaay. such a jhatka he’s getting this early in the morninggggg. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
LMAO ANIKA KYA BATAYEGI... TUNE KUCH KIYA KAHAN HAI BATAANE KO. 😆😆😆
“main chahta hoon jaise anika bhaabi khush hai, waise bhavya bhi khush rahe.”
lolololololol trust me rudy, any “khushi” she’s getting isn’t from your bhaiyya here. *cough* apna haath, jagannaath. *cough* 
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lmaoooo shivaay is FREAKING the fuckkkkkk outtttt 🤣🤣🤣🤣
okkkkkkk finalllllllllly. matter is clear. 
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HIS RELIEFFFFFFFFFFF HAHAHA
waise i feel so bad for boys if they can’t discuss such things with each other. this is why i am so overwhelmingly relieved to be a woman and have girl friends i can talk about everything from my period flow to lord knows what ever the fuck else weird shit my body is up to that day. 😗😗😕😕😕
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bhaiyya is just confirming, ki... sachhhh mein “uss area” mein issues thodi hai? 😟😟😟
“tujhe koiiiiii problem nahi hai, i am so happy!!!!! TU MUJH PE GAYA HAI!” 
ew! yeh bhi koi genetic trait hai proud hone waali? lord. men. ugh. 🙄🙄🙄
eh le, bulbul is just in her standard kapde? shivaay told you to look hottttttttttt, girl! 
godddd that stupidass kurtaaaa of his. exhibition ke din toh dhang ke kapde pehenta, om!!! 😣😣😣
i haven’t seen om look this animated in foreverrrrrrrr. 😕😕😕
he looks so happy to see her! awwwwwwwww, my heart! 😍😍😍
is he holding his hand out to her? please don’t be gesturing to something behind her!!! PLEASE! MY HEART WON’T BE ABLE TO TAKE IT. 😯😯😯
ok no, it IS to her. thank god. 
is she dreaming all this? oh god is this a dream? MY HEART WON’T BE ABLE TO TAKE THAT EITHER. 😯😯😯😯😯
i can’t stop freaking out. coz i know SOMETHING has to go wrong so everyyyy damn action of his is seeming shady to me. 😖😖😖
WAIT WHAT? IS THIS A FUCKING DREAM OR NOTTTT I NEED IT TO BE CONFIRMED THIS ISN’T A DREAM COZ I HONESTLY FEEL LIKE IMMA THROW UP RIGHT NOW 😫😫😫🤢🤢🤢😥😥😥
YUP.  KNEW IT. 
ok don’t tell me bulbul is feeling insecure coz the other ladies are in western. comeeee on girl, you look good! 
ok shivaay please, just give us a get rich quick scheme, we don’t have time for a whole MBA course from you rn. 
the amount of times shivaay has had to clarify that’s he’s NOT SUGGESTING RUDRA DABBLE WITH PROSTITUTION is amazing. 😐😐😐
“create a need” - wow, spoken like a true MBA asshole. i would know. i’m one of them.
bhaiyya is still oddly fixated on rudra’s plumbing. FUCKING LET IT GO SHIVAAY. TU APNE SEX LIFE KI SOCH. APNA TOH KUCH HO NAHI RAHA EK SAAL SE, RUDY KE LIYE BADA PARESHAAN HAI... FUCKING IDIOT. 🙄🙄🙄
back to bulbul. girl hold that head up high, you’re the most beautiful human being in this room by a factor of 10. 😌😌😌
oh boy is she going to get insecure seeing om talk to the girl in the blue dress? 😬😬😬
oh ho bulbul, omki bhi toh desi chirota banke aaya hai. no need to be overly paranoid. just chill. 😶😶😶
her anxiety is ramping up MY anxiety. 
ok vrinda’s acting is hella bad and killing me. behen, lines ratta maare hai, theek hai, but aise elocution mein poem ki tarah kyun jhaad rahi ho?  
ok bulbul, he didn’t even knowww you were here. 😦😦😦
OK VRINDA YOU BITCH, DON’T YOU MAKE THAT SNOTTY FACE AT MY GIRL. 😠😠😠
oh god. what evennnnnnn is this idiot going to do? apne saare gym equipment kabaadi ko bech raha hai kya? 😐😐😐
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lmaooooooo i love these two idiots. 
bhavya honestlyyyy, do you not have anything better to do in life? like... sultan’s still loose... SVETLANA’S STILL IN THE HOUSE... MATLAB, KUCH TOH KAAM KARLE, MERI BEHEN. 😗😗😗
using govt. services and resources for personal use. nice. 
wow. chubby’s a good marketer. 
OK FUCK OFF YOU FAT SHAMING ASSHOLE. 😐😐😐
ok rudra, stop being mean to chubby. he’s the only one helping you out right now. 
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omfg chubby is so cute “training karna hai toh mujhe contact karna, i’m a ready punching bag” what a cupcake. 😭😭😭😭
ok om, don’t be an asshole to her. please don’t be an asshole. 😣😣😣
this is.... gauri. (............................) 
oh just a random woman named gauri standing next to you huh??? 😒😒😒😒😒😒
ok, come the fuck on, why would gauri be awkward about shaking hands? kuchhhhh bhi. awaiii making the character look like a country bumpkin when she’s not! 🙄🙄🙄
why are ppl willing to pay TWICE the price rudra is starting at for a USED punching bag? kya chutiya log hai. 😣😣😣
omg, flashback to baby rudra and shivaay. 
ok they messed up the ages of the kids tho. shivaay’s 10 - 11 years older than rudra. the shivaay should be at 20ish, given that the baby rudra looks 10ish.
aw, rudra was bullied for being chubbbbby. 🙁🙁🙁
ok very abrupt end to that scene. damnit, show me more of my boys as babies! i wanna see overly serious and business minded baby shivaay!
awwwwwwww no, why’d you selll thaaaaaaat rudraaaaaaaa?!?! 😥😥😥😥
also god bless chubby. what a good friend. i love him.  💘💘💘
did he make the 25k?????
ohhhhhhh boy, press is being intrusive assholes as usual.
OMFG WHAT NONSENSE, THE PRESS WOULD NEVER LAUGH LIKE THAT AT SOMEONE ASKING TO BE SPOKEN TO IN HINDI. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK EVEN???????? 😑😑😑😑
what stupidassssss questions. and i don’t wanna watch this scene it’s giving me tooooo much michmichiiiiii
ok i’m fwding coz i actually CANNOT handle it. i hate when they make such BS issues outta nowhere. 😫😫😫😤😤😤😤
lol rudra ke 25k aaaye nahi ke paise maangne waale bhi aa gaye. welcome to adulthood, rudy! 🤑🤑🤑🤑
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ok om to the rescueeeee.
damnnnn, assertiveKara is hottttt as hell. 😍😍😍😍
from assertiveKara to just an ASS in 2 seconds flat. ugh, whyyyyy om? 😩😩😩😩😩
blah blah blah ruvya nonsense, fwding, coz i really don’t care. 
bitchy vrinda’s back. and being a bitchy again. 😤😤😤
YAAAAAAAAAS OM! TELL HER OFF! DEFEND YOUR WIFE! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽
woulda been nice if you would have done it when she was still here though. sigh. 
wow, one ruvya scene that didn’t make me cringe and want to dieeeeeee.😯😯😯😯
AAAAAAAAAAND THEY RUINED IT WITH A SONG SEQUENCE. LORD WHYYYYYYYYYYYY. UGH. FWDING. 
... IS THAT BHAVYA’S ISSUE? THAT SHE’S 4 YEARS OLDER? SIS, THAT’S THE LEASTTTTTTTTTT OF THE ISSUES IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. 😕😕😕
oh gauriiiii. my babyyyyyyyy. noooooo. *hugs her super-tight* 
OH THANK GOD. SHIVAAY IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHIVAAY IS HERE!!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
shivaay and anika are the only ones from this family of circus freaks that deserve gauri’s blessed presence in their life. only they REALLLLLLY care about her. fuck all the rest of you oberois. 
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if one year ago, you’d have told me that SHIVAAY SINGH OBEROI sits on the floor to talk to and comfort this random non NKK-possessing girl who managed to find herself in this house through the strangest of circumstances, i would have told you that you were out of your godforsaken mind. but *sigh* i’m so happy at all the fates that conspired to bring these two into each others’ lives. 😪😪😪😪✨✨✨✨
SHIVAAY, TALKING ABOUT HOW SOCIETY IS FUCKED UP FOR JUDGING PEOPLE ON THE LANGUAGE THEY SPEAK. I AM DESTROYEDDDD. THE GROWTH THIS MAN HAS UNDERGONEEEE. 😭😭😭😭😭😭
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ok i am legit crying at him adamantly telling her that there could never be a girl more perfect for om. fuck, my hearttttttttttttt. 😭😭😭😭😭
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“main sab theek kar doonga, gauri.” 
aaaaaand now i’m weeping. like loud heaving sobs. great. 😭😭😭😭😭
ok don’t show me this ruvya garbage after the perfection that was that shivRi scene. like, honestly, I DO NOT FUCKING CARE.
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whut? billu’s getting champi? other people are allowed to touch his hair now???? 😐😐😐😐
billu, i hope you’re using that phone to sext. or you know... TELL HER YOU LOVE HER. YOU STUPID FUCK. 😩😩😩😩
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ooooohhhh, billu’s getting inspired by dadi’s old-school romance stories. 
ok please dadi, stop singing. please. 😬😬😬
lmao shivaay’s like dadi you sing even worse than meeee. which is true. she’s that terrible. 😆😆😆😆
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ugh such cute. 
lol dadi’s embarrassing billllu with her lovey doveyyy nonsense. 😅😅😅
ugh. pinkyyyyy. god knows what khichdi she’s pakoing now. 😒😒😒
wow, dadi just came down strong on pinky. ek chaanta toh already pada hai, don’t force dadi to bust out the belan. 😧😧😧😧
rudra seems to be going through jekyll and hyde kinda issues here. okaaaay??? 🤔🤔🤔🤔
what’s tejjjjjjj up to now? 
i looooooooooooove his shirts man. i love them alllll. 😊😊😊
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buddhon ka romance. 😏😏😏
but wow, first time i’m seeing tej seeming contrite. please god, reform his character. i don’t like having to hate mahesh thakur, who has the most positive, puppy dog-ish face ever. 😌😌😌
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dangggggggggg svetlanaaaa, why so pretty?! 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍
lol billu’s ~~DEMANDS~~ for the paper to write his premmmm patraaaa on. 🙄🙄🙄
LMAO DADI CAUGHT HIMMMMM. DADI LET THE POOR BOY LIIIIVE. 😆😆😆
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dpargyle · 7 years
Text
Winter of My Discontents
Alright, moving on –
So this is the first day of shit weather this year where I live.  It’s weird – growing up in New York I remember the seasons – but here we only have two – winter and construction.  It goes from 80 to 40 (F) in about a week – so yesterday was 75 and sunny and I could read outside and actually talk to people and today it’s 59 and rainy and cloudy and I just wanna set everything on fire.
I fucking hate it.
Kids – I fucking hate winter.  It glooms over you – and everything goes from bright and outside to monochrome and “fuck you.”  My wheelchair can’t go over the snow and it snows here from like the beginning of November to the middle of April and all of those months here I loathe.  Summer’s ok here but you’re still surrounded by religious lunatics.  
Nobody plows their fucking sidewalk in winter so I have to literally risk my life by driving my wheelchair in the middle of roads with cars in order to cross my own godsdamn street just to get food and now this year
my Dad wants me to come into the office three times a week.  
(So – to explain my work situation – OK – so technically I’m unemployed – and that’s cuz of the stupid fucking government who says like “oh you’re making above this much money as a person in a wheelchair?  Well in that case Medicaid isn’t gonna pay for your attendants to help you get up in the morning and go to bed at night (I’d need to make, like, 25k or so a year to afford that basically)” and also if you save literally one dollar more than $2,000 at one time on all your bank accounts combined we’ll also cut your Medicaid funding for the attendants and very expensive medical equipment (my chair costs 36k every 5 years) as well!” so I’m very much hamstrung by bureaucratic bullshit) –
so in order to get around all this nonsense – I (with the help of my family) am officially unemployed but I live in an apartment that’s technically rented by my Dad’s company – and in return I write and edit (and have been for like 6 years now) an e-magazine about the 3D Printing Industry (I don’t put my name on it though because again, government…) – which is kinda interesting and has allowed me to do both that and focus on my creative work as well – and I also do some freelance writing and one time an artistic thing for the company as well – (that money gets funneled to a bank account the government doesn’t know about) but mostly I’m glad I’ve had these jobs but they’re not…I don’t get excited about them.  I know other people might, but – I’m not one of them hahaha.  I really want to work creatively, but you know…)
In any case, while my Dad does run the main company as CEO he didn’t hire me – it wasn’t his idea – the owner of the company (who has lots of $$$) – after a year of me searching for jobs after college (very unsuccessfully) called me up one day and was like “you’re doing this for us now” and I needed to move out of my folks’ house ASAP so I was like “OK” –
But now my Dad wants me to come in to the office on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays – and I totally understand his reasoning (he’s trying to help me out) – he thinks that if I’m in the office other people there will involve me more in freelance-type work and I’ll be able to earn more $ - and this is probably true – and he also wants me to “get out of your warren” – cuz he knows my brother was basically the only person I interacted with socially in this entire city on any regular basis and now that he’s gone, well….
So my Dad seems to think being social with the other workers or something will be good for me? I mean maybe he’s right but I know everyone in there and they’re all super old and while they’re very nice I don’t have much in common with them and even if I did it’s still super awkward cuz I’m the boss’s son and it’s just awkward – I mean this is part of the reason why my brother left anyway – he worked there for three years but after those three years he was ready to not work at his Dad’s company anymore – and plus he and his wife fuckin hated Utah anyway and I don’t blame them at all I mostly hate it too haahahaha (cries)…
Though if I’m being honest anywhere I’d live I’d probably find all the flaws in real quick…
But maybe somewhere like California where actual things happen and I don’t have to fucking war against winter every year…
Cuz like I’ve tried the work many days a week with a commute in this city – and in summer it’s ok – there’s a very good tram-line system and I’m close to a station (for this purpose) – but in winter…
So for the first year I lived in Salt Lake I was working the magazine job and I was also working at the local Apple Store as well and that winter I literally nearly died commuting cuz I was super tired all the time (my fatigue tolerance level is super low) and dealing with customers and then doing the magazine job and then I was trying to write a book in my free time (it was the first one I wrote and it was complete shit but I’m proud of it cuz it was the first thing I’d ever finished) but I was basically operating at only 15% power and then one night I was on the train platform and there was ice and I slipped off it and half my wheelchair and I fell into the gap between the platform and the train and if that train operator hadn’t seen me he would’ve pulled out of the station and I woulda been warm meat paste…
(I nearly die at least six times a year…)
And that was the night I decided I’d quit that Apple job cuz no job is worth that hellish commute.
Even in subtler ways, though the winter is a killer for me here – there are days when the weather or the pressure changes and my right shoulder (the arm I drive my power wheelchair with) is in so much agony I can hardly move at all – and this lasts 2 or 3 days sometimes 4 –
and then they have these frikken godsforsaken mines here and we’re in this bowl-shaped valley so they mine all this dust into the air and so there’s this inversion here in winter and you can literally visibly see the dust in the air and your throat burns for like four months straight and it’s like the fuckin dust bowl or something god I hate unregulated red states…
And to top it all off, when I travel a lot in the cold my feet rub against my shoes which happened when I commuted to the apple store and by the end of that year I had sores on my heels that took 6 months to heal and in that time one of my best friends from high school died and I couldn’t travel to his funeral because I couldn’t even get out of my door and….I hated myself for that – I’d let him down (again.)
To be honest with you – when I first got offered that job at Apple I was so proud and happy and excited – I’d been looking for a job for a year after college and I looked everywhere – all over the world – in every industry I could think of – and there was just nothing.  Nobody even offered me an interview before they did – and I have self-esteem issues anyway so I started thinking – like – is it cuz I’m in a wheelchair?  Is that why nobody wants me?  (I really have issues dealing with any kind of rejection because of this…)
But then Apple came along and said “Yes!”  And I was like OMG this is amazing – I’m doing retail but it’s gonna be in an interesting (kind of) industry and I’m gonna work with young peeps like me and I’m gonna do creative stuff in my free time and slowly work my way up the ladder and I’m still young I got tons of time to do everything and be everywhere I wanna be going…and then the month before I had the job orientation with Apple my old high school friend had the sudden accident which would lead to his passing a few months later – and….nothing mattered like it had anymore…
He was hovering between life and death all the way in New York and I was in Utah doing…what? Selling expensive crap to rich Mormons? Nothing made sense anymore.  For six years before that point I’d been an insufferable evangelical Christian zealot – and although for two years my faith had been wavering due to me beginning to question its draconian teachings – at that point I still had it – but then this happened and very quickly what little faith I’d been holding onto died with my friend.  
I’m glad I’ve grown in my empathy and inclusiveness since then – but on the other hand, I feel I’ve lost something…
And then a month after my friend’s accident I had to present myself to Apple and be an enthusiastic team player filled with evangelism for the products and I just…I couldn’t do it…I remember that week so vividly too cuz that was the week George Lucas sold Lucasfilm to Disney and they announced they were doing MORE STAR WARS and I was like holy fuck that’s what I wanna do – maybe not necessarily Star Wars (though !!!) – but telling stories and weaving myths – and making a thing that MATTERED to people – that moved them and shook them and changed them and nourished them and gave them some godsdamned fucking hope in this unjust world…
But I was stuck here in Utah…
So I started writing that book and I pushed myself so incredibly hard cuz literally by that point it was the only thing that mattered to me and made sense – feeling like I’d been put on this Earth to make art and I wasn’t gonna waste anymore time because maybe I didn’t have anymore time, you know?
And like I couldn’t connect with my coworkers – they were my age but many of them were Mormons with whole families they were supporting and most of the rest (save for my good friend @soundscomplicated) – I just…it was hard to connect to.  In college I’d been surrounded by interesting people who challenged my brain and soul parts (at least sometimes – though academia drove me nuts) …but now….now I was stuck in the wasteland with no way out…
I finished the book and it was crap but at least I’d done something.  Then I made that personal safety decision to quit Apple and for the last four years I’ve been working from home…
And this past year or so I finally began to put it all together again maybe – my drawing skills were improving – I was writing another book that scared the crap outta me (but that was a good thing) – about a group of nerds who lost someone close to them and whose worlds were turned upside down as a result – where the protagonist was a kid in a wheelchair like me and for the first time I felt like I was writing something IMPORTANT that MATTERED that might move people – letting out all my pain and hope and regret and love -
But then I sent it out to potential agents and waited and waited and waited for months and months and literally none of them even sent me a solid rejection.  It was all just nothingness into the void.  I understand they get so many submissions though so I tried not to take it personally –
And I decided this story and these words that I’d finished were important enough for me to publish on Amazon – so I did – and it was one of the proudest moments of my life (this was back in April or so) but then – nobody bought it.  And it’s not like I expected to make out like gangbusters – I don’t know anything about marketing or being social media savvy (I mean just witness the godsdamned length of this friggen post hahaha) – but I thought at least everyone in my extended family would buy it – but nope. It sold like 11 copies.  Let’s just say I will love those 11 people forever but I just…
Like I’d killed myself over this fucking book.  I went down into the deepest parts of my soul and ripped them out for all the world to see – I didn’t do anything but this book.  I did my paying work for the company but hanging out with people other than my brother sometimes?  I didn’t have time.  I didn’t have the energy.
In the flesh connections are so hard and when you’re working on something you truly believe in – well – you feel compelled to WORK WORK WORK and where was I gonna meet people here anyway?  
This story mattered more than my own happiness.
And now that it hasn’t done well?  What was it all for?  Really? It’s not that I’m not totally effing proud of what came out – I am – probably more than any other art I’ve ever made – but…I dunno I guess I just have delusions of grandeur for myself…sometimes I feel like if I’m not Shakespeare – if I can’t support myself with my art – I’m a failure.  
I’ve failed.  My life has been a waste!
And then I sit back and I try to remind myself that’s an incredibly toxic and terrible way of thinking but at this point I literally can’t help it…
I don’t know what to work on next creatively.  And now I’m having to spend more time away from my creative stuff and I don’t want to – I really don’t give a shit about the meager extra money I’m gonna get by going into the office – I want those hours I’m gonna waste there back!  I don’t want to spend more hours not doing what I was born on this earth to do.
That probably sounds super privileged of me and I’m lucky to be where I am and blah blah blah but I just……and when the winter really comes and there’s snow on the ground I literally will not be able to go to the office (or even leave my apartment easily for that matter) and my Dad understands that – but I just…
Maybe I just don’t want to do that stuff anymore?  I’m probably coming across as a super lazy and ungrateful person – and I am, but…
I just don’t have many friends here anyway and spending energy on commuting is just not gonna help that at all and I see no way out and I’m literally crying as I type this and I want OUT OUT OUT so bad but I don’t know what that means or what that looks like and I am cold and scared and lonely and tired and
For the past month it’s been warm and sunny and I’ve had Blondie to distract me from all this pain and mounting mediocrity and it’s been nice cuz I haven’t really had a crush in the flesh since college – like literally the last girl I allowed myself to fall for is now married with two kids hahaha and that night I got my head stuck in the fridge and I didn’t say this in the original post but
I was literally kind of sobbing because my brother was leaving (he’s gone now) and I don’t have many good friends (especially here) and my book I cared so much about fucking crashed and burned and I put my fucking soul into that thing and it wasn’t good enough I’M NEVER GOOD ENOUGH and then my chair crapped out and I was about to die and I cried for like an hour (I haven’t cried like that in like seven years – since before my friend died) but then I stopped crying cuz Leia’s Theme came on my shuffle and it gave me some hope so instead of crying I was yelling and then somebody busted open my front door
And she was literally an angel and just sweet and all my everything just washed away and everything was OK but now – it’s just – that distraction is fading away and I am facing my reality and…
As with every winter here, I am growing restless…
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