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#this literally made my heart start pounding anxiety attack style
woodelf114 · 1 year
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So, what happens when I discover someone who does beautiful au work and writes gorgeous stories on said aus?
My writer brain goes, "gotta write, gotta write, gotta write, gotta write-"
So, this piece here is inspired by @llamagoddessofficial and her new Tilikum story! She's done amazing work, so go check her out! I have a feeling that for now, a lot of my drabbles/works are going to be inspired by her stuff, so sorry not sorry haha.
Anyways, for context, I'm taking a different spin on how MC meets Skull, because I love that big boy so much and he deserves the best. Also, going to be using third person pov with my Horrortale oc Lucy, because I'm not super great at reader insert pov style.
Now, enough chatter, let's roll!!
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That field trip literally changed her life.
Her 5th-grade class took a field trip to the local aquarium, the world-famous Ebott Aquarium, known for its exotic attractions and colossal size. But the most exciting part of this place was the sirens. Sirens were known for their speed, power, intelligence, and habit of luring humans with their songs before drowning and eating them. They were extremely dangerous.
So, naturally, Ebott Aquarium had the three largest held in captivity.
Lucy trailed along with her classmates as her teacher started pairing them into groups. Somehow, she had been missed. Probably because she wasn't paying attention and slipped under the teacher's radar. She had her iconic leather journal in hand, but she wasn't taking notes on anything the teacher was saying or anything in the aquarium.
If she was being entirely honest, she wanted to leave.
The vast size of the location, plus the extreme business of people bustling around them, set off her social anxiety and sensory overload. Everything was ringing in her ears. Occasionally her small frame trembled as she took deep breaths to soothe her panic.
When it started to become too much, she wandered off from the rest of her group, desperate to find someplace quiet to have a panic attack in peace. So, it wasn't a wonder that when she spotted a dark room with hardly anyone in sight, she made a beeline for it. Relief immediately washed over her as she stepped into the large room. There was a massive tank with an artificial cave put into it. The tank and the room were darkened, and it didn't even look like anything was in the tank.
Maybe this is an empty tank, or they're preparing the space for something else, Lucy thought as she looked around while slipping her small backpack off her back. She stepped over to the glass, peering inside. Nope, nothing here. Must be empty.
She turned and pressed her back to the glass, sliding down to a sitting position and rubbing her temples. She hadn't really considered the implications of getting lost in such a vast place; otherwise, her panic would have increased tenfold. She didn't even know that at that moment, her group was doing a quick headcount and realizing that someone was missing and that the chaperones were rushing to find a staff worker to help find their missing student.
Lucy opened up her journal delicately. The old thing was worn down enough that she feared it would fall apart if she was too harsh with it. She pulled out a pen and started scribbling random thoughts on the blank pages, using the pinkish-red light to see it better-
Hold up. Where is that red light coming from?
Lucy felt the hair on the back of her neck prickle. The red light was originating from behind her, in the tank.
Her heart began to pound, and she tugged nervously on her beanie. She didn't want to turn around or even move, but her instinctive "prey" fear was screaming get out, get out, get out, get out, get out-.
With a shaky breath, Lucy swallowed a lump in her throat, then slowly twisted her neck to look over her shoulder.
A gigantic smiling skull stared back at her, inches away from the glass that separated them.
She released a small gasp, stiffening even more, but she didn't move. The creature had an upper skeletal body that was taller and broader than her and a lower mass of dark, writhing tentacles. The suckers were stuck onto the glass.
A siren.
Lucy let out a tiny breath she hadn't realized she had been holding. She noticed all the scars littering his bones, locking onto the gaping hole on the upper right side of his skull. His left eye socket was empty and dark. The right one, however, had a glowing red orb with a dark circle in the middle, resembling some kind of "eye" that was utterly honed in on her.
When they finally made eye contact, that orb expanded, and the siren tipped his head to the side like a curious dog. The grin widened significantly.
"Woah..." Lucy finally whispered. She turned around fully, now that the initial fear was gone, replaced by awe and wonder. She leaned closer to the glass, putting a hand on the cool, smooth surface to steady herself.
The siren finally broke eye contact briefly to look at her hand, so tiny in comparison to his own face. To her shock and wonder, he lifted his own skeletal hand up and pressed it against the glass where her hand one. His hand was bigger than her own head and absolutely dwarfed her hand in comparison.
He looked back at her, and Lucy could have sworn that his eyelight was sparkling. His grin was impossibly wide, and it might have looked insane to an onlooker.
To Lucy, it was... kind of adorable.
"Hi, big guy," she whispered, even though she knew he couldn't hear her. "What's your name?"
He cocked his head again, his eyelight briefly glancing down at her moving lips before looking back to her eyes. Like he was... trying to read her lips.
Intelligent, indeed.
She finally broke eye contact to glance around. She spotted a sign near the room entrance on the tank, and she started slowly moving towards it to get a look at it. The siren drifted alongside her, watching her movements closely. It made her giggle a little bit.
She read the sign, which gave information on what kind of siren he was and a brief description... very, very brief. There were many "not much is known about..." sentences.
What caught her attention was the name below its official scientific name.
"Skull."
"Skull, huh?" She asked, looking back at the giant skeleton siren. "Is that what they decided to call you?"
"Skull" was staring back at her, smiling still, and she realized she was smiling back. He seemed just as entranced with her as she was with him, and she felt oddly flattered that such a gigantic creature took an interest in someone as small and insignificant as her.
Probably because you look like a tasty snack, drifted across her mind, enough to make her smile falter slightly. Logically, that made sense. It was probably similar to a big carnivorous cat at the zoo stalking a toddler. It looked cute from behind the safety of the enclosure, but realistically she would probably be torn to shreds if she was in the water with him.
Apparently, her thoughts (or at least emotions) translated to her face because Skull's smile actually dropped as well, eyelight even contracting a bit. He put his hand on the glass again. Lucy looked at it for a moment, brows furrowing before she put her hand on the glass overtop his. His smile brightened again, enough to make her smile return.
Well... maybe he actually is just interested in me-
"LUCY!! There you are, for goodness' sake we've been looking everywhere for you!"
Lucy jumped like she heard a gunshot, stumbling back from the glass and whipping around to see her teacher and a zoo staff member. The teacher looked angry and relieved, while the staff member stared at her like she had grown another head.
"How did- How did you get him to come up to the glass?" The staff member asked.
Lucy blinked, shrinking back timidly and stepping away from the glass. She went to look back at Skull, almost hoping for some form of backup, but the giant siren was gone.
"I- uh- I didn't- he just came up to me, I-I don't know," Lucy stammered, heart pounding. "I-I'm sorry, I just needed somewhere quiet, and this place was empty, a-and I didn't realize how long it had been since- I don't know I'm sorry."
Her teacher huffed for a moment. "Lucy, you know you can't just wander off like that," she stated, stepping over to the young girl.
"I know, I know, I'm sorry," she mumbled on repeat, sounding like a broken record as she started grabbing her things. She cast one last glance at the tank as her teacher started leading her out, still going off on her.
She spotted the red eyelight from inside the artificial den staring at her.
She smiled slightly and offered a little wave, though it was bittersweet. She was sure she probably would not see Skull again anytime soon, if ever.
To her delight, Skull lifted one tentacle up and poked it out. At first, it looked like it was just floating in the water, but then the tip of it wiggled, mimicking the motion of waving back.
Her smile widened considerably before she finally turned and followed the teacher out of the exhibit, not even noticing the dumbstruck jaw-dropped look on the staff's face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lucy was shocked when the aquarium contacted her family a few weeks later to offer free weekly visits in exchange for participating in some kind of research survey. Really, all it seemed to include was hourly visits with her new favorite siren.
It seemed like a win-win.
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septembersghost · 3 years
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i'm going to be frank for a moment, because this is about to be the blatantly meanest, angriest thing i've ever posted on tumblr dot com, and anyone who knows me AT ALL, especially if you've known me for any significant length of time, knows how hard i try to be patient and kind and welcoming always, so you also know that i hate this, i hate the drama and everything having to do with this absolute foolishness and it's unbelievably stupid how triggering it is for me but
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i cannot physically block all 940 ghouls who liked/reblogged this, but if you agree with it, unfollow me. i'm not joking. since there's seemingly zero story comprehension here and zero respect for the characters and zero recognition of how abhorrently disgusting and damaging this is, i don't want it anywhere near me.
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hes-a-rainbow · 3 years
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Simply Meant To Be (Part Two)
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Author’s note: I just wanted to say a quick thank you for everyone who took the time to read part one and give me feedback! I’m glad so many of you seem to like the story so far. Enjoy!
P.S. I also changed the names of some of Harry’s close friends/co-workers but it’s really not hard to figure out who I'm talking about. I just feel funny writing about people who are not in the limelight.
Part One
Word count: 2.3k
Warnings: stress, some description of panic/anxiety attack.
~
“Rue? Rue?!”
“Give her some space!”
“Should I call an ambulance?”
Different voices started to merge together as Rue finally came back to consciousness. She opened her eyes to see Caroline’s bright blue ones staring back at her, “Hey sweetie, think we lost you there for a second.” 
“I--,” Rue tried her best to speak but her throat felt bone dry and her head was pounding. She cleared her throat multiple times but her eyes began to water. “Grab her something to drink!” Caroline shouted over Rue’s shoulder. A soft ‘okay’ from Rory followed by the clattering of heavy boots running into the back room of the store met Rue’s ears. Caroline helped her stand up and she turned to look over Caroline’s shoulders and was met with the unfamiliar faces of two strangers and him. Her soulmate. 
She raised her left hand again to make sure the mark was still there. It was still red and stung like a new tattoo.
H
“Hey, look at me.” Caroline's’ voice snapped Rue out of her reverie. “I know this is a shock, but this is the start of the rest of your life. And I’m so happy for you.” Rue could see water forming in her friends’ eye as she comprehended her words. “Okay,” Rue squeaked out.
“Rue.” A voice from behind Caroline spoke and Rue felt a flash of electricity spread through her whole body. He didn’t say her name as a question, or even a statement, but more so as if he was trying to feel the way it felt on his lips. Rue’s brown eyes met with his radiant green ones and she felt a rush of familiarity rush over her. 
“H…” She whispered. 
“It’s--,” His voice cracked and he cleared his throat as he continued, “It’s Harry.” He took a few steps closer to her, close enough for her to study his face as he studied hers. She found him extremely handsome with his tall, muscular stature and sharp cheekbones. But he also looked so familiar. Like someone she might’ve met in passing. Had they met before? Surely not, because if they had ever come this close before, they would have been marked. 
The bleached blonde man besides Harry cleared his throat and elbowed his friend in the side, nodding his head towards Rue. Realization came over Harry and he shook his head a bit to clear it, causing the brown curls on his head to flop about, “Right, sorry,” He held his right hand out towards Rue, “It’s so nice to finally meet you...Rue.” The slight change in the tilt of Harry’s voice sparked Rue with realization, “You’re British?” Harry smirked a bit at her reaction, causing a dimple to form on his cheek, “Uh, yeah.” 
She reached out for his hand robotically. When their hands finally clasped together, she felt her heart skip a beat, just like the books had said. Maybe not skip a beat per say but more the feeling of getting sucker punched right in the chest. Both Harry and Rue released gasps of air at the same time. The two soulmates stared at each other, in the middle of the music store in between the guitars that aligned the wall behind Rue and the rows of sheet music that stood behind Harry, hands still moving slightly as if to mimic shaking.
God knows how long they both stood there with dumbstruck smiles on their faces. She thought about this moment for years, she had asked Caroline nearly a thousand times to repeat the story of how she met Talia. Rue imagined a million times over exactly how she would feel in this moment. She expected pure joy, tears of happiness, a kiss from the person who was literally made specifically for her. But in reality she only felt lost, confused, and even a bit scared. What if the person she made up in her head was nothing like this man, this Harry? What if he was rude to her or didn’t think she was attractive or--
Stop being ridiculous, Her conscious spat back, He will love everything about you, just as you will with him. You are two halves to one soul. You are simply meant to be.
But the lingering fear still twisted in her stomach and she was happy she hadn’t eaten since lunch because she was sure if she ate dinner beforehand it would have just been making its reappearance. 
The sharp piercing sound of a phone ringing broke the silence that seemed to be uncomfortable to everyone but the two. Rue’s hand retracted from Harry’s and slid back into the warmth of her winter coat as she remembered exactly where she was and saw the giddy smile adorning Caroline’s face. “It’s John,” the long dark haired lanky man who stood next to Harry announced. Rue saw Harry’s expression turn to fear, then back to neutral before he turned to his friend, “I’ll talk to him later.” He spoke casually but his tone held a deeper meaning. The other man he was with silenced his phone and slipped it back in his pocket. Harry turned to look back at Rue, another smile forming on his lips. 
Caroline cleared her throat besides Rue causing the two soulmates to jump a bit at the interruption, “And I’m Caroline!” She held her hand out to Harry, who took it politely and smiled, “Pleasure to meet you, Caroline. This is Tim,” Harry pointed over his left shoulder at the older blonde man beside him who gave a small wave to the two girls, “And Matt.” Harry threw his thumb over his other shoulder to reference the other brunette man with him. A small “Hi” slipped out of Matt whose eyes continued to dart between Harry and Rue almost as if he was waiting for something. Rue’s eyes narrowed at Matt before turning back to Harry, who was already looking at her. She felt a warmth spread throughout her body and a sense of comfort she had never experienced before.
“I didn’t have any water but I do have some Tito’s left over from the Christmas party last year!” Rory ran back into the room with a half empty glass bottle of vodka raised over his head. His eyes darted towards everyone in the store as he tried to read the room, “Everyone’s good now?” 
“Everyone’s good now.” Caroline replied as she gave him a look as if to say, now be cool. He lowered the vodka bottle and approached the small group standing in the middle of his store. He wrapped his arm around Rue’s shoulder and Rue caught Harry’s expression sour for just a second. “Can’t believe our little kangaroo has finally been matched!” Rory pulled her in for a half assed side hug, “And to Harry Styles’ nonetheless!” Rue’s head snapped to look at Rory, then Caroline, and finally settled on Harry whose whole body seemed to stiffen as he heard his full name.
Rue felt stupid, incredibly dumb even for not placing the face to the name right away. She knew who Harry Styles was, even had a few songs of his on her phone, but never in a million years had she thought she would actually meet him, let alone be his soulmate.
“The singer?” Rue asked Harry but it was Rory who answered, “Yeah! You really didn’t realize?” 
Her Harry just happened to be one of the most famous and sought after people in the entire world. She felt her body becoming warm again, the hairs on the back of her neck rising. She remembered a time back in high school when a group of her friends chatted about what they imagined their soulmates’ would be like. One of her friends had basically described Nick Jonas and was met with thundering laughter. “What? He has to be matched with someone! It definitely wouldn’t be the first time a celebrity matched with someone normal!” The group looked at her as if she had grown two heads, “And isn’t it like everybody’s dream to be matched with a celebrity?” Some of the girls shook their heads no while others agreed but Rue remembered how she spoke up, “I would hate to be matched with someone famous.” Her friends’ rolled their eyes but she only continued, “I’m serious! All I'll ever be known for is belonging to them. No one will ever see me as me again, they will only see me as the girl who is so and so’s soulmate. I couldn’t imagine living in someone’s shadow my entire life.”
“So you’re telling me if you matched up with Brad Pitt, you wouldn’t be happy?”
“That’s not what I’m saying. Of course I would be ecstatic to even be matched, I just always imagined it would be with someone...normal.”
Rue hadn’t thought about that conversation for years now, didn’t even speak with those girls anymore (but knew for a fact her friend was not actually Nick Jonas’ soulmate when he was publicly matched a few years later to another actress) but now it had come back to haunt her. She would never be just Rue again, the girl who had no idea what she was doing in life, who worked as a receptionist at a tiny law firm in lower Manhattan, who wanted to travel the world but in reality had never been on a plane flight longer than six hours, she would only ever be known as Harry Styles’ soulmate.
Her stomach started to flip again and this time it wasn’t out of joy and excitement.
Rue spoke to Harry without making direct eye contact, “I--I’m sorry I didn’t realize--”
“It’s okay,” He responded immediately sensing the nervousness in her tone. He could see her confidence fading away right before his eyes.
“I thought you looked familiar but I never placed--”
“It’s fine. Really.” He gave her what he thought was a comforting smile but she immediately looked down at her old leather boots. She could feel the burning sensation of tears start in the back of her eyes. Please don’t do this, please don’t cry in front of him, she begged herself silently in her head but it only made the waterworks come faster. 
How could this be? She was nothing like him. He probably dined with rockstars while she sat cross legged on her old couch she found on the side of the road while eating day old pasta. She had seen enough about him to know that he went through relationships left and right. Every time he was seen with someone new, the speculation of ‘were they the one?’ running wild in the tabloids. It was the main reason celebrities and people in the spotlight wore rings on their left ring fingers, to hide from the media and news outlets alike if they had met their soulmate or not. This had to have been a mistake, a twist of fade that landed completely off the mark. Surely there had been people matched by accident before, right? 
Nobody moved as Rue struggled with her inner turmoil. 
“Hey, are you--” Harry reached out to touch her arm but she jumped back and out of his reach and away from Rory’s hold. She needed to be alone right now and actually figure out exactly what this meant for her. She started to wrap her scarf back around her neck tightly. Still not meeting anyone’s eyes, she spoke towards the dirty carpet that lined the store, “It was nice meeting you,” She could see Harry move closer to her, as well as Caroline, but she continued to back away and towards the door.
“Rue…” Caroline called for her friend as she saw the slight quiver in her lip that was the tell tale sign her tears were about to fall.
“I’m sorry but I just--I have to go.” Rue turned fast and leaned all her weight on the door. Her face was met with a harsh cold wind that only made her eyes water even more. She moved faster as she heard the door ringing again behind her, indicating that someone had walked out after her. Please don’t let it be him, please don’t let it be him. 
She heard her name being called out by multiple voices, all of which she now knew and could identify, but she only picked up into a slight jog and prayed that the sidewalk wasn’t icy.
“Wait! Please!” She was coming up the end of the street and through her blurry vision she could see the pixelated hand appearing and disappearing ahead of her, indicating only five seconds left until the street light turned green. She was never one to be athletic but she swore she ran as fast as Usain Bolt as she sprinted across the crosswalk. She heard a car honk behind her and a heavy Brooklyn accent scream out, “Fuck off, pretty boy!” but it didn’t slow her down. 
She was only one block away from her apartment now. Her lungs burned as she breathed in the cold air. She had made this walk hundreds of times before and knew how to get back home with her eyes closed, which came in handy because the mixture of her tears and the harsh winter winds caused her to only see blurs and blobs where people stood. Her ears started to ring as she neared her block, she could see the lobby door from here. 
She peaked over her shoulder and didn’t see anyone running behind her but didn’t stall her speed until she rushed into the lobby. The night security guard, Jerry, gave her a weird look as she hauled up the stairs five flights to her apartment. She only stopped for a split second to open her purse and grab her keys, hands shaking as she slipped it into the lock and opened the door. She opened it just enough for her to slide in and quickly slammed it shut, locking and bolting the door because she knew Caroline would show up in a matter of minutes. 
She laid her hands on her knees as she bent over to try to catch her breath. She just needed to be alone and try to gather her thoughts before speaking with Harry again. She just needed a few more minutes of being Rue before she turned into only his.
~
Thank you for reading! Again, feedback is greatly appreciated. Don’t forget to like and share!
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Anxiety | [Fem!Reader x Obi-Wan Kenobi]
Inspired by a post by @bluegalaxygirl​
Notes: This is brought to you by my social anxiety and my thirst for Obi-Wan Kenobi, yaaayy. Also, I have literally no clue how to write feelings.
Fandom: Star Wars
Warnings: Angst, Anxiety, Self-Doubt, Self-Conciousness, slight OOC, Fluff
Summary: Y/N has only recently become Obi-Wan’s padawan and she is struggling with her social anxiety and her relationship with her master, so she has a panic attack. Luckily, Obi-Wan himself comes for the rescue.
Word Count: 3868
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© Fanficsforheartandsoul
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She knew that her master would most likely disown her if he found out what she was doing right now. Obviously. Because emotions were prohibited. But she couldn’t control it. Not at all.
Y/N had always been alone. She didn’t join the order when she was an infant. She had lived for 13 years on her own on a small planet in the outer rim. She didn’t even know the name of the ice planet. The life in the tundras had been lonely but she felt comfortable. With the help of the force, she was able to survive just fine. Then the Jedi came.
Master Yoda brought her to Coruscant, introduced her to the council and decided that she should start to learn with the other younglings. 
The first mistake he made.
Y/N had never met any children, nor any group that consisted of more than 6 people. Having companions was new territory and being exposed to a huge amount of people for the first had caused her to lash out with the force. By accident, she not only hurt some younglings but also herself. The scars on her arms and left cheek would always remind her of that moment.
That’s when the wise Jedi grandmaster decided to teach her the basics himself. Alone. To help ease her agitation. It was a good idea. Y/N did approve after all. She studied the Jedi, learned the lightsaber forms, meditated. She was a good student, and Master Yoda was proud of her. But then the Clone Wars started and he had no time for teaching her anymore.
So he made his second mistake. 
He decided that it was time for her to become someone’s padawan. “Why can’t you be my master?”, she had asked him, her voice void of any emotion but not because she learned to properly follow the code. She had just learned how to hide them. His answer left her intestines churning and she was ready to shut herself in her room. But the Jedi obviously didn’t let her.
“Your new master, this is.”
And that’s how she got introduced to Obi-Wan Kenobi. A formidable Jedi with great patience and a humorous character. A kind soul.
From whom she was hiding right now.
Y/N had been his padawan for two months but she didn’t progress far. Her training went well, that was not the problem. Since they were alone when they meditated or trained. No, the problem was her social anxiety.
Meeting the clone troopers for the first time caused the panic attack she was having right now. They were supposed to have a meeting for an upcoming mission but Y/N ditched them. Not intentionally she’d like to say but that would be a lie.
She had already stood in front of the meeting room’s door but she couldn’t enter. Her legs felt like jelly. The padawan tried to calm herself but it was no use.
Her heart was pounding loudly in her ears and she had trouble breathing. Her hands were clammy and she felt uncomfortable because she had broken out in a cold sweat. Footsteps were coming closer and she heard the voice of her Master from inside the room. A shaky breath escaped her lips and she whispered “I’m sorry” before she bolted.
She hid in her room. Not the best place of course, since he would probably search for her here, but there was no other place that calmed her down. Asides from Master Yoda’s side. But the council member was gone on a mission and he would probably also be disappointed if he found out about her panic attack.
Currently, she was leaning against her bathroom door and tried to meditate. But she couldn’t concentrate on her breathing because it felt like she was suffocating. “Don’t worry, Master Obi-Wan will understand”, she would tell herself but that only frightened her more. Because no way in hell would he understand! She had been living in the temple for 2 years but hadn’t met more than 8 people at the same time, not since the accident.
Every time Master Yoda tried to take her to one of the lessons with the younglings, her scars began to hurt. It wasn’t painful since she got used to it but it broke her concentration and seemingly also her spirit. Y/N couldn’t focus with the tingle that went up her arms and the force around her became unstable.
The same was happening now. She could feel it. The air around her felt heavy and made it hard for her to breathe.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
She choked the words and tried to hold back a sob from her throat. She wouldn’t cry, because she couldn’t. It wasn’t allowed. And the code was the only thing that stopped her from falling into misery. So she clenched her teeth and tried to stop whimpering.
But thoughts of her master finding her invaded her head and tears threatened to spill.
He would be disappointed. Y/N didn’t worry about him hating her, no. She wouldn’t mind that. But disappointing him was far worse.
She knew that Master Kenobi disliked the idea of having to train a new padawan shortly after Anakin Skywalker, especially during the times of a War. He never showed it of course. But somehow she could feel it. Maybe it was because she had always lived alone, only with the company of animals, who could show their emotions with the force. But she was able to feel to a greater extent than others apparently.
That’s how she knew. That he would most likely spare her a glance and then abandon her. It made sense. She was not fit for a Jedi after all. They were supposed to be the stars of the republic, the peacekeepers who helped every civilian. But this meant that they would be in the light. But her life wasn’t made for that.
She was always meant to stay in the shadows. Where the darkness was calming, reassuring.
Maybe she should just give up and leave. Going home, to her real home, on the unknown ice planet, seemed like a good idea. It was a welcome one.
Y/N didn’t realize how she spiraled deeper down in self-doubt and self-consciousness. But surprisingly she calmed down a little. The thought of returning to her house, that was actually an old transport ship, relaxed her muscles and she could breathe better again.
But then it hit her. She had no money. And in fact, she didn’t even know the exact location of her home planet. Master Yoda never told her. Maybe be knew that she would waver!
Dread fell over her and she let her head hang low. Maybe he never trusted her at all. And when he had enough he cast her aside and let another person take over the dead weight. How Obi-Wan Kenobi must suffer with her as a padawan.
Shame made her cheeks burn and the tears welled up again. But this time they spilled over. Y/N clenched and unclenched her fights slowly. Her fingernails dug into her palm and the pain distracted her from the salty tears that rushed down her cheeks. The scars on her left one throbbed.
Maybe, just maybe, if she curled up and stayed in that position, she would just fade into the darkness and everyone would forget her.
-
“Have you seen my padawan?”
Obi-Wan was currently walking back and forth in the meeting room, his hand thoughtlessly on his lightsaber while he worried about Y/N. He knew he didn’t give her enough attention and the guilt ate him alive but like Anakin assured him, he was busy with the war and her shyness wasn’t helping with that.
“Your padawan? You know we’ve never seen her face before”, teased Anakin and Ahsoka gave her master an annoyed look.
*No, but… A girl was standing before the meeting room when I arrived half an hour ago”, she replied and Obi-Wan immediately stood a little straighter.
“Did she have h/c hair? And a scarred left cheek?”
Ahsoka tilted her head and tried to remember. “I didn’t see her face but she had h/c hair, yes. But she walked off in a hurry so maybe it wasn’t her.”
Obi-Wan remembered how the young girl always stormed off after their lessons as if she was running from something. He was sure, the person Ahsoka saw, was his padawan.
Why did she walk away? He knew he told her that the meeting started at 1100. Did she forget something? That didn’t seem likely.
“I know your padawan isn’t here, General Kenobi, but we should start anyway. We cannot leave the senator waiting”, said Captain Rex and he nodded in defeat.
The meeting began and they discussed their strategy but Obi-Wan couldn’t quite focus. He remembered the first time he met Y/N. How her young eyes were strangely dull.
The girl was a little shy according to Yoda but he learned fast, that this comment had been an understatement. When they walked to their first training lesson she said nothing. No word left her lips and the Jedi had wondered if she disliked him.
But when they fought he realized that she was nervous. Her attacks were timid and had almost no force and he began to wonder if it was the right decision to say yes. After all, it was only an offer, Yoda didn’t order him to take Y/N as his padawan. He had to admit that he even doubted the grandmaster’s judgment a little. But the girl proved to him that she was a good student. Technically.
Her skills were sharp when she fought against a training droid, she used form four like Master Yoda which surprised him since it was an offensive style. But he never saw her do it when they fought against each other. He wanted to tell her that she could use Ataru but her apprehension also made him hesitate and he felt like he couldn’t talk freely to her. If he needed to be honest, it was a little uncomfortable.
It was strange that he had problems adapting to her but to be fair, Anakin had been completely different when he was her age. It wasn’t just because she started her training a few years later than him, it was also her character.
From what he had learned in the first month, Y/N liked to stay secluded and isolated herself from others at her age. She got embarrassed easily and he often felt like she was like a scared animal that would run away if he made a wrong move.
And there was something else. Sometimes the force would radiate from her. It was as if a pipe had been opened and all her feelings were flushed out through the force. He couldn’t explain why but he never told the Jedi council about her emotions. Obi-Wan told himself that they weren’t concerning but when he stood there in this meeting room with a bad feeling in his chest, he changed his mind.
“…ood, then let’s conclude this meeti-”
“Thank you, Anakin, I’ll see you later. Goodbye”
With these words, he walked out of the room.
As soon as the door closed behind him, he picked up the pace and decided to look for Y/N in her room. It was the only place that seemed to make sense for him. Hopefully, she would be there because if she wasn’t he wouldn’t know where else to look. This realization just showed how much he neglected her and shame and guilt made his heart heavy.
He decided that they needed to talk. It would be hypocritical to spill their emotions when they were supposed to not let themselves be swayed by them but this was about their relationship as student and teacher. He wanted to apologize from deep within his heart. Obi-Wan realized that he had been a bad master for her and he knew that it needed to change.
So he hurried to the south wing, where Y/N’s room was located. He walked up the stairs and as soon as his foot stepped on her floor, he paused.
The force felt weird on this level of the temple. Unease filled his chest and his hand found his lightsaber, since touching it always calmed him down.
His intuition told him the dread that filled the air had something to do with his padawan. He walked down the hallway and stopped before her door. The nameplate next to it was dark, which meant there were no lights on in the room. But he didn’t turn away. He could feel her presence through the force. She was here. And she was hurting.
Worry coursed through his veins and he knocked on the door.
“Y/N? Can we talk?”
He waited a few seconds but there was no response. He knocked again. This time louder.
“Y/N, please. I-”
Obi-Wan stopped and waited, hoping she would answer but the silence remained.
“I’m coming in, okay?”
He didn’t expect a response, so he wasn’t surprised when he didn’t get any. With the help of the force, he opened her door and stepped inside the room. Like the nameplate indicated, the lamps were off, but the big window let enough light inside for him to immediately see that she wasn’t here. She wasn’t laying in her bed, or sitting at the table studying, how he often found her when he was coming to pick her up for training. But the shift in the force was stronger than ever, so he knew she was here. The only place that was left, was the bathroom.
And not much to his surprise, its door was closed. He crossed the room and stopped before it. Now that he was standing so close, he was able to hear sniffles. The sound crushed his heart and he regretted listening to his former padawan so much.
Deep down he had known that what he was doing was badly hurting the young girl but he told himself it would be fine. He forgot how fragile and sensitive people were. Maybe the war had made him heartless. The anxiety he could feel through the force shook him to the core. He tried to steel his nerves but the emotions flowed through him and left his body numb.
“Y/N?”, he asked, his voice was soft.
He heard a breath hitch and the sniffles died down. She noticed him, now all she needed to do was talk to him.
-
Y/N almost died then and there.
He found her. Obviously. But she had hoped with the naive belief that he wouldn’t. She tried to suppress the sobs and quiet down but it felt impossible and honestly, she didn’t want to. There was a brief thought that she should just let it all out and show him how miserable he made her feel.
But the idea vanished as soon as it appeared. It wasn’t his fault. She was the one who was scared of other people, of interacting. It wasn’t normal, she wasn’t. He was just unfortunate enough to get paired with her.
“Leave me alone.”
Y/N only whispered it and it was almost inaudible but she was sure that he had heard her. He would definitely leave now. Leave her behind like her parents did, how master Yoda did, like everyone d-
“Let me in, Y/N. Please.”
Her heart missed a beat. Master Kenobi’s voice was soft and had a pleading undertone. She could sense genuine worry radiating from him through the force. Worry, guilt and also regret.
When she felt all these emotions, she couldn’t stop the sobs anymore. She pushed herself up and crawled away from the door. Maybe he sensed how she moved away, maybe he didn’t, but the door opened with the help of the force and she could see the blurry shape of her master standing in the doorway.
The light from the room shined in and outlined his features as if he was one of the republic’s posters coming alive. He looked like a savior. And the thought of him being that for her filled her heart with something she couldn’t describe.
He approached her and knelt in front of her. She could see his worried eyes through her tears and the warmth that radiated from his presence in the force. It felt familiar and surprisingly it made her feel like she was safe. Maybe she was allowed to cry some more. Maybe he allowed it until she calmed down and then he would just bring her to the counci-
“I won’t leave you alone anymore, Y/N. I’m sorry. I neglected my duties as your master and made you suffer.”
He held out his hand but paused as if he wanted her permission first to touch her. The padawan sniffled.
“I’m sorry.”
Obi-Wan saw that as a cue and lightly touched her shoulders. The moment when his fingers touched her robes felt like a storm abruptly stopped. She stared at him with wide eyes. He wanted to tell her that she didn’t have to apologize but she suddenly threw herself into his arms.
Y/N cried into her master’s beige robes and her hands were shaking while she hugged him but she didn’t care. She sensed it when he touched her. He genuinely wanted to help her, to ease her pain. And for her, who so desperately wanted somebody to understand her and lend her a hand, it meant the world.
The Jedi was stiff at first since it rarely happened that somebody threw themselves into his arms, but when he felt her shaking hands and how wet his robes got from her tears, he raised his hands and returned the hug. His left hand stroked her back while his right pressed her head closer to his chest.
“It’s okay. It’s okay, Y/N.”
The moment was intimate but he didn’t mind. If he could calm her down this way, he would gladly continue until she didn’t need him to do it anymore. Her body slowly stopped trembling and the sobs died down. Her voice was raspy when she said:
“I’m sorry that I didn’t attend the meeting.”
A small laugh escaped Obi-Wan’s mouth. He ruffled her hair and smiled slightly.
“Why would you worry about that? I found you having a breakdown in your bathroom, I believe we have other priorities.”
She nodded and looked up at him. Her eyes were puffy and her cheeks slightly red from embarrassment. He let go of her and Y/N backed away until she sat leaning against the bathtub. He watched how she fiddled with her fingers, unsure of what to say.
Her Master then noticed that the force around them had calmed down. The anxiety was partly still there but it felt like an echo. Y/N then took a deep breath and said:
“I’m scared.”
He looked at her but he didn’t say anything, worried that she would stop before she even has properly begun to explain.
“I- I’m scared of people. I can’t really explain why but meeting a group is really stressful for me. It’s… uh… It’s like I feel like everybody’s looking at me and judging me and I can’t, can’t handle that well”, she started and avoided eye contact with him.
“I’ve always been alone and suddenly that changed and now everybody’s expecting me to hang out with all those people and there are so many clones and their feelings and emotions are all over the place, and I get all sweaty and I can’t prop-properly breath and it’s just… I don’t know… too much. It’s too much for me. I’m not used to be in the spotlight. I know that sounds arrogant because I know that not everyone is looking at me and watching every move I make but I just can’t stop from feeling like they do. And I’m feeling all this fear and anxiety and I can’t handle them knowing that what I’m doing is against the code and I feel like a failure, I am a failure and it’s… Maybe Master Yoda was wrong. Maybe he shouldn’t have brought me here.”
Y/N knew she was rambling and when she finally stopped to take a breather she looked up and watched her Master’s expression and when she saw his confusion, she regretted telling him.
“This… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, let’s just forge-”
“Do you feel the same with me?”
Master Kenobi’s question made her pause and when she searched his eyes for any disappointment or disdain she couldn’t find any. His words left her wondering. Was she feeling the same with him?
“No…”, it sounded unsure, but she didn’t add anything because she really wasn’t completely sure.
“Let me try to rephrase what you just said, okay?” She only nodded. “Am I correct when I say that you have anxiety when it comes to social interaction?” Again, he received only a nod.
Obi-Wan touched his beard and pondered over what he had just heard. Many things made sense now. Why Y/N was always studying alone, why she ate in her room instead of the cantina and why seemed like she was dying every time he saw her in a room with more than 3 people. But he still didn’t really understand why she had problems with that.
He searched her eyes and when she returned the eye contact he smiled softly and then said:
“I can’t really understand you, but”, he held up his hand when she tried to interrupt him, “I want to understand. And I want to help. I’m sure that the force will guide us both and I believe that, as master and padawan, together we can face your fear and ease it.”
Y/N leaned back, her shoulders relaxed and she let out a breathy laugh. Sneakily she wiped away a tear that threatened to spill again.
“That would be great… Master Kenobi.”
The Jedi’s smile widened and he put up his finger as if he wanted to warn her.
“I would prefer it if you call me Obi-Wan, at least in private.”
The padawan nodded and together they slowly stood up.
“Let’s try”, she added and her voice was quiet but he could hear the determined undertone.
“There is no try, padawan, only-”
“Do or do not, I know that one.”
He raised an eyebrow and then patted her shoulder smiling. It felt a little awkward but then her master interrupted the timid atmosphere:
“You said ‘their emotions are all over the place’. Does that mean you can sense feelings? To what extent?”
Y/N paused. Him speaking about her ability made her feel shy again.
“Uhm… I can tell what a person is feeling without concentrating too much. As long as I want to know, I can sense it clearly.”
Since the light was still not on in the bathroom and he turned away, she couldn’t see his expression but she felt embarrassment radiating from him. Maybe it was because of the moment they had just shared but she suddenly wanted to tease him.
Yet she didn’t. Not wanting to destroy the thin thread of a bond that they formed today.
669 notes · View notes
anotherkpopvictim · 4 years
Text
Respected and Loved - NamKook Littlespace Drabble
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(Gif source - me)
“Anonymous asked:  Hey! I was wondering if you could do a Jungkook-centric littlespace AU. I was wondering if his main caregiver could be Namjoon hyung. Panic attacks and angst with fluff and happiness at the end would be great.”
A/N: I know that I took longer to post it than I originally planned, but I realized that posting it for Kook’s birthday would be perfect so I hope it was worth the wait! Also, I really liked the JinKook idea you gave me as well, I might work on it for a while and post that for Jin’s birthday in December.
Anyways, enjoy! And Happy Birthday to the one and only Jeon Jungkook <3
Pairing: Little!Jungkook X Caregiver!Namjoon
Rating: T (swearing, panic attack)
Words: 2923
Hurt/comfort, fluff
WARNING: There is a pretty detailed panic attack, so if that triggers you at all, please do not read this fic.
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It was obvious to anyone and everyone with eyes that Jeon Jungkook admired and respected his Namjoon-hyung. Between the doe eyes staring up at the older like he hung the stars in the sky and the way Jungkook’s bratty behavior immediately stopped whenever Namjoon scolded him, the other members figured it out within about 0.2 seconds of knowing them both.
The thing was...Jungkook never just admired and respected his hyung. He loved him. Jungkook loved Namjoon. He didn’t know that he was in love back when they were trainees and fighting tooth and nail to be able to debut. He was too young back then to understand the pounding of his heart when his hyung was around or the way he felt like he simultaneously couldn’t breathe around Namjoon and could only breathe when he was around. It was love, though, as he grew to understand.
Alas, Namjoon never seemed to quite realize just how much he meant to their beloved maknae. For someone with an IQ of 148, he sure was oblivious when it came to Jungkook’s feelings for him.
One night a few months following their Danger promotions, the maknae line had gathered together for a sleepover. The three laid cuddled together in the bed, lights off for the night, and whispers of hesitant secrets filling the air between them.
“Jungkook,” Jimin looked at him seriously, “You love him, don’t you? Namjoon-hyung?”
And Jungkook turned as red as a tomato, stuttering over his next words. “As a h-hyung? Of course I love him.”
“What about as a lover, Kookie?” Jimin continued, not for a second buying into the younger’s act.
Taehyung, looking adorably confused, turned to Jungkook with questioning eyes. Now the maknae was trapped between his two hyungs’ gazes and bodies, unable to lie.
“Y-Yeah,” he managed out in something of a squeak. “Yeah, I love him.”
That was the first time Jungkook ever admitted it to anyone or even out loud. Seokjin was next to ask him about it, followed by Yoongi and finally Hoseok.
So, literally everyone in the group knew that Jungkook was in love with Namjoon for years and Namjoon himself still didn’t have a single clue, or if he did, he was hiding it extremely well.
Even as they got older, as Jungkook found out about littlespace, as everyone accidentally found out Jungkook was a little, as the leader became Jungkook’s unofficial main caregiver, Namjoon still didn’t realize.
Honestly, Jungkook came to the conclusion that he never would. That Jungkook would have to take his feelings to the grave with him. It wasn’t like he was ever going to confess himself, considering how timid and anxiety-ridden he was.
So, when the leader finally did find out about Jungkook’s feelings, it came as a shock to both of them.
The day was like any other and Jungkook hadn’t the slightest suspicion that his secret was going to be revealed.
He was in the dance studio with Hoseok, Seokjin, and Jimin, goofing off even if they probably should have been practicing. They were playing a game of choosing a random song and having someone freestyle dance to it.
Jimin was the first to go, and when Hoseok put on a super bright girl group song, Jimin didn’t hesitate to go full-on with the choreography and cute actions. He basked in the cheers he received from the others.
Hoseok took the floor next and got into a starting stance. Seokjin grinned smugly in his direction before putting on possibly the saddest song ever. It was a song in English so they didn’t understand all of the lyrics, but they understood enough that it made them laugh when Hoseok began his popping routine anyways. The song and the dance didn’t match in the slightest, which was what made them all lose it, really.
Seokjin took his turn confidently and listened for the beginning notes of whatever song Jungkook was going to play.
The maknae took a moment to think of a good song and grinned once he thought of one.
A heavy bass and EDM beat filled the room, a song that Jungkook knew Hoseok would be amazing at freestyling to.
Seokjin nodded before cracking his knuckles and then breaking into a complicated dance routine filled with all of the most famous, cheesy dance moves in it. He started with a slick Moonwalk, followed by the Chicken Dance, the Carlton, and the Shopping Cart.
The three dancers were on the floor laughing their asses off when Jin confidently hit the Mashed Potato and the Lawnmower before finishing off his performance with the Gangnam Style dance and the Bus Driver.
It took a good few minutes after Jin’s spectacular performance for them to gather themselves back together. Jungkook finally wiped away the tears of laughter from the corners of his eyes and took the stage.
Jimin gave him a smirk before he pressed play on the song he’d chosen.
A deep, obviously sensual song began playing through the dance studio, making the maknae roll his eyes.
Shrugging off his initial hesitance, Jungkook decided to put on a show for his hyungs. He started off with grinding on the floor like they did in their Blood Sweat & Tears dance, followed by numerous hip thrusts and body rolls incorporated into smooth choreography.
Hoseok and Seokjin were hollering and whistling, hyping the maknae up in his performance. Jimin could only think about how ARMYs would die if they had the chance to see this dance, even if it was only a joke.
Jungkook finished his performance, panting and sweating from the workout.
“Dang, JK!” Seokjin exclaimed, bringing a nice, cool water bottle over to the maknae.
As the youngest chugged the drink thankfully, Hoseok waggled his eyebrows suggestively. “Is that the dance you want to perform for Namjoon?”
Jungkook promptly choked on the water.
Jimin snorted, “Do you think Namjoon would finally figure out Jungkook’s feelings for him if he did?”
“W-What?”
The new voice startled the four of them, all turning towards the door to the dance studio, where none other than Kim Namjoon himself stood. He had wide eyes and his jaw dropped slightly, blush creeping up his cheeks.
Jungkook’s heart fell to his stomach. Had his hyung seen what he’d just done? Had he heard what the others said? Judging by the look on his face, yes, yes he did.
Everything was silent in the normally chaotic dance studio, Namjoon trying to process the information he’d just been given, and the other three trying to find a way to explain what they’d just accidentally revealed.
Jungkook’s mouth felt dry and full of cotton, his heartbeat the only thing he could really hear pounding in his ears.
The maknae tore out the back door to the studio before any of them could even think to stop him. He ran through the company hallways until he reached the front door and then he ran some more.
Namjoon knew. Namjoon knew.
Despite the fact that Jungkook wanted his hyung to know, now that it was happening it was all just too much for him to handle.
What if his hyung hated him now or was disgusted with him? Jungkook felt his stomach twist into knots at the thought.
Jungkook ran and ran and ran. His lungs were aching for breath and vision was blurry from his tears, but he never once stopped.
Then he internally gasped. What if everything was ruined now, and the whole band was going to have to break up because of his stupid feelings? Jungkook would never, could never let that happen, but to keep the peace between the other members he’d probably have to leave the group himself.
“Jungkook! Jungkook!”
The maknae vaguely heard the voice calling after him as he ran, but it was overrun by his self-deprecating thoughts.
The sound of car horns honking loudly brought him back to the present and Jungkook realized he was in the middle of a road and while other vehicles had managed to stop for him in time, there was one dark-colored car that was heading straight for him.
“Jungkook!”
There was a harsh yank on Jungkook’s arm and he managed to stumble out of the way of the car as it came to a screeching halt. The vehicle would have hit him if he’d stayed in that spot. It wasn’t going fast enough to have killed him, but he definitely would have broken some bones.
The maknae looked around him in a shocked daze that didn’t feel at all like reality. Now safely on the sidewalk, he looked up to see Namjoon standing there with his arms around Jungkook tightly.
“Jungkook, oh my god, that was so close!” Namjoon was rambling under his breath. The man raised his hands to Jungkook’s face and inspected it. “Are you hurt?”
Jungkook shook his head, not being able to find any words in his shocked state.
Taking a deep breath, Namjoon pulled out a black mask matching the one he had on himself and slipped it onto the maknae’s face. “Let’s get you out of here before someone recognizes you. I think we need to talk, Jungkook-ah.”
The two of them took a car back to their dorm because apparently Jungkook had gotten impossibly far in his race to get away from his problems. They didn’t speak while the manager drove them back, but Namjoon held onto Jungkook’s hand firmly.
Jungkook was still so shell-shocked from his almost car accident that everything went by in a haze. The next thing he knew he was sitting on the couch in their dorm with a blanket wrapped around him and a cup of water in his hands.
Namjoon sat down beside him and set a hand on the maknae’s shoulder. “Kook-ah, can you look at me please?”
And Jungkook couldn’t say no to his hyung, had never been able to, so he raised his watery eyes and looked his hyung in the face.
The leader’s expression was concerned but calm. He gave a gentle smile. “I’m so glad you’re okay. I was so scared when you took off like that...and when that car almost...” he trailed off.
“‘M sorry,” Jungkook croaked, his throat still feeling tight and dry from his panic attack.
Namjoon shook his head, “No...no. You don’t need to apologize. Just...you can’t run away like that when you’re scared. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
Jungkook nodded. “Me neither. I’ll try to do better.”
Namjoon sighed and started hesitantly, “So...you have feelings for me?”
The maknae’s breath hitched again and he could feel the panic attack that had settled slightly come back full force. His whole body began shaking with the effort to breathe and his heartbeat was racing in his chest.
“Jungkook! Jungkook, it’s okay! It’s okay!” Namjoon hurried to say. He grabbed the maknae by the arms and tried to get him to look into his eyes. “Don’t panic again, baby, please.”
“D-Don’t hate Kookie, please Daddy!” Jungkook slipped into littlespace without any warning. “’M sorry, ‘m sorry!” he sobbed.
“Daddy could never hate you, baby,” Namjoon replied, desperation in his voice. “I-I love you, Kookie. I’ve loved you for years.”
Jungkook stopped breathing completely for a moment. “W-What?”
Namjoon sighed and hung his head. “I never told anyone and I tried my best to hide it. I never even thought you could love me back.”
Jungkook had so much he wanted to say, needed to say, but for a few minutes, he had to regain control over his breathing. Namjoon helped him by breathing deeply with him and running his hand through his hair soothingly.
“Y-You love K-Kookie?”
The leader smiled shyly, “Yeah, yeah, I do.”
“Daddy loves Kookie,” Jungkook repeated under his breath in awe. Then he broke into an ecstatic grin. “Daddy loves Kookie!”
Namjoon couldn’t help but smile back at the younger’s cuteness. “That’s right, baby.”
Jungkook scooted over until he was seated in the older man’s lap. “Kookie loves Daddy.”
Namjoon let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding as a breathy chuckle. “That’s so good to hear, baby.”
A light bulb went off in Jungkook’s head and he looked at the older with a shy blush on his cheeks. “K-Kookie made something for you.”
The maknae jumped off of Namjoon’s lap and ran down the hallway to his room. When he returned, he had a large piece of paper in his hand and was pulling his lip nervously between his teeth. Then he shut his eyes tightly and thrust the arm with the paper out in Namjoon’s direction.
Trying to fight a coo at the younger’s cute shyness, Namjoon took the paper and turned it over to see what it was. His breath hitched in his throat.
It was a picture drawn in crayons, obviously done by Little Kookie as he didn’t have as much artistic talent as his older headspace. There were two figures in the middle that appeared to be holding each other with smiles on their faces. Above their heads in speech bubbles were the words ‘I love you’. Behind the two figures were five others who were clapping happily.
It didn’t take a genius to figure out that the two figures in front were Namjoon and Jungkook, and the others in the back were their best friends. The maknae had portrayed all of their hair colors and styles pretty accurately. The picture was so sweet that the leader actually had to fight back some tears.
“This...this is beautiful, baby.” he managed out.
Jungkook finally reopened his eyes and looked at the older man with hope. “Really? Daddy likes it?”
Namjoon chuckled and reached out to run a hand through the maknae’s hair before pulling him back into his lap. “Daddy loves it.” Then he furrowed his brow in thought. “When did you draw this, though? I’m usually the one with you when you’re in littlespace.”
“TaeTae-hyungie and Jinnie-hyungie took care of Kookie when Daddy was at work one day,” the younger explained. “Kookie was really sad and he missed Daddy lots, so TaeTae said Kookie should draw a picture for Daddy.”
“Well, it’s a wonderful picture,” Namjoon praised, kissing the younger’s cheeks in thanks.
The two of them sat curled up together on the couch for hours. Namjoon rubbed the maknae’s back soothingly and the younger tucked his head comfortably into his hyung’s neck.
At one point, Namjoon got up and retrieved Jungkook’s Iron Man blanket and red pacifier from the bedroom. When he returned to the living room with them, the younger’s eyes widened and he made grabby hands at them.
They settled together again and Namjoon turned on Spongebob Squarepants on the television, though neither of them were really giving their full attention to it.
Their peace was disturbed when the front door burst open and their five bandmates piled into the room. The sudden noise startled both of them, Jungkook’s pacifier falling from his mouth as it opened in surprise.
Seokjin was the first one to get to them, his eyes wide with worry. “Sejin-hyung just told us about Kookie’s almost accident. Is everything okay?”
Hoseok was next to him in a second. “Oh god, Kookie, I’m so sorry I told your secret and caused you to run off like that. I didn’t mean to, I swear!”
“Kookie’s okay,” Jungkook answered genuinely. “And Hobi-hyungie don’t have to say sorry, Kookie isn’t mad or sad about it.”
Hoseok looked relieved and gave the maknae a kiss on the top of his head.
“So...” Jimin looked between the two on the couch pointedly. “Did you guys talk at all?”
Jungkook broke into a big bunny grin that had them all clutching at their hearts in fondness. “Yeah! Guess what Jiminie-hyungie? Daddy loves Kookie too!”
Everyone looked at their leader with happy, slightly surprised eyes. “Really?” Jimin questioned with a smile.
Namjoon felt his face and neck flush sheepishly. “Yeah, I’ve loved Kookie for a few years but I had no idea he loved me too. Did...did all of you know how Jungkook felt about me?”
The five of them nodded.
“We’ve known for a few years,” Taehyung admitted.
“Yeah, it didn’t take us very long to figure it out,” Yoongi added. “We didn’t know how you felt, though.”
Namjoon sighed, “I’m such an idiot.”
“Yeah, you are.”
“IQ 148 my ass.”
“We been knew.”
“Hey!” Jungkook scowled adorably at his hyungs. “Don’t be mean to Daddy! And don’t say bad words!”
Almost immediately, all of them mimicked zipping their lips closed and throwing away the key. Damn, all of BTS really were whipped for their maknae.
“Alright, now that that’s out of the way,” Yoongi stepped up closer and put his hands on his hips, expression serious. “We need to talk about Jungkook running off today and almost getting hit by a car.”
Jungkook groaned, ashamed, and buried his head back into Namjoon’s neck. The last thing he wanted to do right now was talk about this again.
The leader started rubbing his back again and turned to the others. “Leave him be. I already spoke with him about it and he said he’ll try not to run next time. I think the car almost hitting him was a big reality check.”
Jungkook smiled into the older man’s neck as he heard his other hyungs grumbling and pouting. Namjoon always knew exactly what he needed.
Jungkook loved Namjoon so much.
And Namjoon loved Jungkook just as much back.
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A/N: Phew, that’s the end. More angst than I originally planned for but oh well. Let me know what you thought of it!!
146 notes · View notes
melonkooky · 5 years
Text
the art of love [kim taehyung]
not requested
word count: 3576
genre: art school/college!au, taehyung x female reader (mainly 3rd person), fluff
warnings: no warnings 😊😊
author’s note: decided to enter into @btsboulangerie‘s september prompt contest. i’ve been working on this the past few weeks since september started. i know it’s early and there’s still a few weeks before the deadline but i just thought i’d put it out there (mainly because i might forget to post it). also, i’m apologizing in advance for any grammar or spelling mistakes that i didn’t catch!! 
please do not copy my work. but please like and reblog it. thank you!!!!
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taehyung raised a soft, half-asleep hand up to his face in order to rub the sleep from his eyes. he yawned in the process, soft sigh falling past his pink lips. he was exhausted to say the least, but that was because he had stayed up majority of his night finishing his most recent project.
it was a painting. he was attempting to mimic vincent van gogh’s style of art and integrating it with his own style. it was a simple painting of some buildings that he took a picture of while he was vacationing with his family a year ago in the united kingdom.
the painting was being held in his other hand as it was due today. taehyung walked onto the school campus, not expecting a lot to happen. but he noticed a small crowd of his fellow art students. it was hard to see as they were forming an uneven semi-circle directly in front of a brick wall. it was near the entrance.
quite intrigued by the matter, the tired look in his eyes vanished and his curiosity was peaked. being extra cautious of his painting, taehyung maneuvered through the crowd of students, mumbling tiny “excuse me”s every so often. finally, he reached the front and got a good view of what every was gawking at.
taehyung had to crane his neck back in order to get the full picture of what he was looking at, literally. he was close to the wall. at first, he noticed the shade of purple that was used. obviously it was graffiti, judging by the unique style of letters. it was a statement, a quote, that had been spray painted onto the brick wall. it read: “be the change you want to see in the world.” taehyung shyly smiled. he believed strongly in that quote.
after admiring the artwork on the wall, one that he knew would for sure anger the professors, he was about to turn around when his ears caught wind of some conversations.
“i wonder who did this…”
“it’s so pretty.”
“imagine mr. khan’s face when he sees this.”
taehyung also wondered who had done this. he was intrigued, drawn to the unique style of art, and the choice of canvas. still, he had to get to class.
taehyung forced himself through the crowd once more, checking to make sure that his piece of art hadn’t been ruined or contaminated in any way. once he was sure that it was fine, he hurried into the building, excited to get to class. taehyung had always admired art, it was a passion of his. for as long as he could remember, he would use whatever writing utensil he could find and draw on whatever was in front of him. his mom would always get mad at him when it happened to be a black pen and a placemat at the dining table. sometimes it would even be crayon on the walls. but with all the practice, taehyung’s art majorly improved. he loved how beautiful art was, and he always admired the deep, hidden meaning that some of the pieces had.
taehyung walked into the classroom, the life-changing quote still in his mind. that’s how to start a good day, he thought.
upon walking to his seat, he noticed that the classroom was completely empty. he was a bit early, he noticed when he pulled out his phone to look at the time. but, as he glanced around the vacant classroom, he noticed that there was a girl over in the corner. a section of her hair fell onto the side of her face while she used a pencil to seemingly shade something in. her eyes were trained onto the paper, not even leaving her sketchbook as her free hand came up to brush the section of hair behind her ear. she looked beautiful.
suddenly, she glanced upward, nearly giving taehyung a heart attack. he gasped. strange noises left his mouth as his cheeks changed from their typical sunkissed, golden color to a deep, cherry red. the girl remained staring at him, looking at innocent as ever. “h-hey.” taehyung finally managed to say, hesitantly moving around a few tables to get closer to her table.
“hi.” she replied, eyebrows raised slightly.
taehyung’s hand moved to the back of his neck. “sorry for staring.”
she blushed, a shy smile coming to her face. “it’s okay. you probably were just surprised to find someone else in here.”
or because you were absolutely beautiful…
taehyung cleared his throat. “yeah.”
suddenly, she glanced downward. “is that your project?”
taehyung’s eyes widened, cheeks red once more. he smiled proudly and help up his painting to her. “yeah. my reference was a picture i took when i was in england.”
her eyes were wide with amazement. taehyung noticed a particular sparkle in her eye, and he couldn’t help but feel even prouder. she seemed genuinely amazed at his piece of artwork. “wow!” she said quietly while running the tips of her fingers along each stroke. “it’s beautiful. so unique.”
taehyung grinned. “thank you!” then he glanced around. “do you have your final project?”
she looked down at her sketchbook before gasping suddenly. before taehyung could even blink, she was flipping her sketchbook over, causing her pencil to fling off of the table and onto the floor. when taehyung looked at the pencil, then her sketchbook, and then back at her face, she was bright red in color. taehyung’s eyes widened. “are you okay?”
“uh… yeah.”
she flashed taehyung an unconvincing smile, but taehyung didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. then, he bent down, picking up the stray pencil, and then handed it back to her, a smile on his face as he did so. “well, then.” he laughed shyly. “i’ll see you around i guess.”
she was still blushing, and seemed extremely flustered, but she still managed to say, “see ya.”
----
you sighed in relief as you watched his back while he walked away from you. your heart was still pounding against your ribcage, and your face still felt hot. once he was sitting down in his seat and became distracted by his phone, you flipped over sketchbook and found that you had accidentally creased a corner of the paper. it wasn’t too bad, but it still made your pout slightly. after one glance at your fellow art student, you picked up your pencil and continued sketching.
----
taehyung was proud that the teacher liked his painting. every time he looked at it, he remembered the countless amount of minutes he had spent on it, how he painstakingly painted each stroke. careful not to make any mistakes. his hard work paid off, he got a 100%.
after class, taehyung was ready to go back to his dorm. he planned on calling his parents and asking them if he could visit on the weekend and give them his painting.
while standing up from his seat, just after the bell rang, taehyung glanced behind his shoulder, catching a glimpse of the girl he had met earlier. for a split second, he wondered why he had never seen her before. but his question was quickly answered. she sat in the very back corner of the classroom, an entire desk - that could fit four people total - all to herself. she was also extremely quiet and mainly kept to herself.
taehyung felt like he was very similar to her. he did have friends that attended this college, but they had completely different majors, therefore, he didn’t have any friends in his art class.
the young art student glanced back over in her direction, only he caught her looking at him. surprised by that, taehyung looked away, feeling all of his blood rush to his cheeks. his hands froze, being in the middle of packing his sketchbook into his backpack. he wanted to look at her again, to see if she was still looking. so he did, only she wasn’t there anymore. she disappeared, as if nobody was there to begin with.
his shoulders relaxed, but his heart sunk. a strange feeling.
----
the next day, taehyung showed up at the same time. he wondered if she would be there already, just like yesterday. he was actually really looking forward to seeing her again, and he was wondering if he should try talking to her again. as he walked towards the building, he noticed that a few janitors of the school were working on cleaning the purple graffitied wall, although they had hardly made any progress. he felt the corner of his mouth tug upwards as he walked by, just as he slipped into the building.
the door to the art classroom soon came into view. as he approached the entry to the classroom, taehyung grew nervous. there was nothing stopping him, he had no reason to turn away and come back later. and yet, here was was actually considering it. why was he so nervous? he loved meeting new people, he loved making friends. taehyung found it easy and enjoyable.
taehyung shook his head, as if to shake away all his anxiety. with a deep, calming inhale, he grabbed the handle and pulled the door open. he looked around, finding the classroom empty once again, with the exception of the quiet, artistic girl sitting in the corner.
taehyung stopped, time seemingly to follow his en suite. the morning sun coming in through the tall windows was enough light for the classroom, and while it enveloped everything in a golden ray of light, taehyung easily took in the scene of her in front of him. how the sun gave her skin a mesmerizing golden hue, how he allowed him to see all of her. taehyung was falling in love.
the girl looked up, her beautiful eyes meeting his own. when she recognized who it was, she quickly turned a page in her sketchbook, attempting to hide her sketch. taehyung didn’t necessarily notice, his mind was far too occupied to think.
taehyung came out of his trance, his cheeks burning. he swallowed hard. “h-hi.” he spoke nervously.
the girl blushed as well, although it was hardly noticeable underneath the sun’s glow. “h-hey.” she replied.
taehyung walked closer to her desk. he kept his gaze away from her eyes, her face. he was too worried about how he had basically stared at her for a solid minute. “i noticed that you sit here by yourself.”
she nodded, a shy smile on her face. “yeah. i don’t have any friends in this class.”
taehyung felt himself smile. “yeah, me too.”
a silence fell between them, and it pained taehyung. what else should he say?
“um, do you mind if i sit with you? that way you won’t be alone.”
her eyes widened, her blush coming back. “yeah, yeah, go ahead.” she gestured to the seat across from her.
taehyung felt his heart skip a beat. she was so nice, and kind. it was hurting taehyung. he smiled as he pulled out the seat across from her, placing his backpack in the empty chair next to him. “so,” he said, pulling his sketchbook out of his backpack. “did you see the graffiti outside, by the entrance?”
she looked up, having started to doodle variations of flowers on the corner of the blank piece of paper. “o-oh, that. yeah, i did.”
“i wonder who did it.” he paused. “i liked the message, a lot actually. it’s always been my favorite quote.”
she smiled, “me too.”
“do you have an idea of who did it?”
the girl seemed to avoid his gaze. her eyes were trained on something outside the window now. taehyung stared at her, waiting patiently for an answer. she cleared her throat, “about that… that graffiti was actually me.”
taehyung’s eyes widened. “wait, that was you?”
she nodded.
a wide grin showed on taehyung’s face. “wow! you’re just good at all forms of art, aren’t you? graffiti, painting, sketching-”
she blushed as taehyung complimented her. “although, i wouldn’t say i can watercolor.”
taehyung laughed. “yeah, i have problems with watercolors too. it’s either too dry or too watery and then i can’t really blend or overlap or get the right color, so in the end, it’s just a mess.”
“exactly!” she agreed loudly.
“you know,” taehyung began, still laughing slightly, “i don’t know your name.”
“it’s y/n.”
taehyung smiled and reached his hand out. she gently took it, another blush coming to her cheeks. “taehyung.”
until the art professor arrived, taehyung and y/n talked about many other things, finding that they had a lot of things in common. and on the things that they didn’t agree with, they would playfully argue, and it only brought them closer together.
after class, before y/n could leave, taehyung called out to her. he quickly swung his around, reaching for her arm in order to stop her from walking away any further. she gasped in surprise, cheeks turning a bright red. taehyung himself was surprised. his cheeks gradually began to match hers. he coughed into his fist, releasing her arm. “sorry, i just had a question.”
she smiled at him. “yeah?”
“do you want to get lunch right now?”
she grinned widely. “that sounds nice. where do you want to go?”
“that’s a good question.” he replied, a shy laugh following after.
“how about…”
taehyung watched as her gaze moved around the room. she was thinking, trying to think of a place to eat at. the aspiring artist seemed to space out as he studied her, wondering how she managed to look so cute, because suddenly, she was waving her hand in front of his face. “taehyung?” the way she said his name caused his heart to skip a beat.
“sorry.”
“i said what about [restaurant name]?”
“yeah, that sounds wonderful.”
----
“i have another question.” taehyung spoke, swallowing his bite of noodles.
y/n looked up at him, attempting to slurp her noodles faster so that she could give him her full attention. “hm?” she managed to say.
“why did you flip your sketchbook over so fast? you were so flustered by it.”
y/n almost choked on her noodles. she hurriedly swallowed her bite, sitting up straighter. she prayed silently that her cheeks weren’t as red as the booth they were currently sitting in. “why do you ask?”
taehyung shrugged. “i don’t mean to pry. i’m just curious.”
“are you sure you want to know?” she asked him.
a weird, fuzzy anticipating feeling erupted in taehyung’s stomach. “yeah.”
she seemed hesitant, and taehyung wondered if he was making her feel uncomfortable. he surely didn’t want that.
y/n reached next to her and opened her backpack. she pulled out the sketchbook that taehyung was talking about. after she pushed aside her half-empty bull of ramen and made room to set down her sketchbook, she looked at taehyung. “please don’t feel weirded out by my drawings.”
taehyung’s eyebrows furrowed. he started to picture what he was going to see, both appropriate and inappropriate. he felt his cheeks heat up at the thought of inappropriate sketches.
slowly, she turned over the cover, allowing taehyung to see the first page. the first page was not what he was imagining. instead of nude drawings, there were sketches of birds, ones that he’s seen many times on campus. “wow.” he whispered, a smile on his face.
she continued. the next page was of a few realistic faces, some of the students he’s also seen in classes and on campus. a few pages later, he saw the rough draft of the graffiti on the wall. he spotted the written note in the top corner, reminding y/n to use the color purple.
“this is where it gets weird.” she warned.
taehyung didn’t understand. why was she being so shy? she drew amazing sketches and pictures, so realistic that it almost looked like they were just simply black and white photos.
y/n turned over the page, revealing a sketch that shocked taehyung. it was a picture of him, talking to one of his friends from another class. he was surprised how much detail she drew; the box-shaped smile, squinted eyes as he grinned, the shading on his face, everything about it wasn’t able to be described in words.
another page was turned and he recognized himself again, this time sitting in his chair in the classroom, drawing in his sketchbook. taehyung was in awe.
he glanced up at y/n, finding that she wouldn’t meet his eyes. her cheeks were still red, now matching the red used on the booths. taehyung’s jaw was hanging open and his eyes were wide. he definitely was in love.
seeing his reaction, y/n felt shy. she felt the need to slam her sketchbook closed and run out of the restaurant, away from taehyung. but she also felt a burst of confidence in her work. he didn’t seem disgusted or weirded out from her drawings of him. she often times felt like a stalker, convinced that he would never notice her.
but taehyung, he was in love. “wow, these are amazing.” he managed to say.
she smiled, “really?”
he nodded. “i could never match this skill.”
“you’re not, like, disgusted by me watching you and drawing you in my sketchbook?”
taehyung blushed. “not at all. i’m just surprised, and amazed.”
“taehyung,” she spoke quietly, “i don’t know when it began, perhaps it started on the first day of school when you first walked into the classroom, but, i like you. a lot.”
taehyung’s jaw dropped again. his cheeks were bright red, looking like someone has attached two giant apples to his face.
she giggled in response, afterwards biting her lower lip.
“i must be dreaming.” taehyung whispered. “i like you too.”
y/n smiled happily. “that’s a relief.”
“can i have your number?” taehyung asked shyly.
y/n nodded. she grabbed her phone from her backpack and handed it to taehyung, who put his own number into his phone. “you should probably text me, so that i know it’s you.”
taehyung grabbed his phone, just as the screen lit up. it was a message from an unknown number, but he easily recognized who it was from. it was obvious given the moment. it was a simple heart emoji, and taehyung swore he stopped breathing when he looked at her again.
----
months later
y/n cursed to herself as she glared at the painting in front of her. she had managed to mix the wrong color and in return, it ruined part of her painting. she needed to fix it. the only issue was, she had mixed that color in the first place because the white acrylic paint bottle had gone missing. she thought that she wouldn’t need it, but boy did she thought wrong.
with a sigh, y/n stood up from her stool. taehyung glanced over from y/n’s bed, attention pulled away from his phone. he had a small, mischievous grin on his face. y/n hadn’t noticed.
“what’s wrong, babe?”
y/n glanced at her boyfriend. she gestured vaguely to her painting as she walked over to the shelf across the room where all her art supplies were located at. she wondered if she had left the white paint bottle there by accident. “i messed up.”
taehyung watched eagerly. you wandered over to your art shelf and began moving things around, taking a random box off the shelf, searching through it, and then putting it back with a huff. you would check the same spots again and again, until your gaze gradually traveled up the rather tall shelf. and there, as the only item on that shelf because you couldn’t reach it, was the white acrylic paint bottle.
you heard a stifled laugh from the opposite corner of the room. you didn’t even need that sound to tell you who had done this. you turned around, an angry glare on your face. “kim taehyung.”
he finally released his cackle. he definitely was not holding back, and he was clearly enjoying this. “what’s wrong?” he asked while feigning innocence.
“you know what’s wrong.”
taehyung hopped off the bed, doing a slight skip afterwards, and then walked over to your side. he glanced up, a grin still seen on his face. “did i do that?”
you rolled your eyes. you shifted all of your weight on one leg before crossing both of your arms over your chest. “can you please get that down?”
taehyung reached up, easily grabbing the bottle, only he didn’t give it to you. instead, he opted to hold it up on the air. you groaned, “taehyung!”
“i need a reward.” he suggested.
you blushed slightly. “for grabbing the bottle that you put up there…”
taehyung wrapped his free arm around your waist, pulling you closer into his side. his lips were puckered out, and you were feeling yourself slipping. why did he have to be so damn cute?
finally, you pressed your lips to his. immediately taehyung deepened the kiss, clearly wanting more. you obliged, only while he was distracted, his arm came down. in the blink of an eye, you grabbed the bottle and pulled away from taehyung, a loud smack resonating after the two pairs of lips parted. taehyung stood there, surprised, as he watched you skip towards your canvas, pretending as if nothing had happened.
he sighed in defeat, shoulders evidently relaxing. “gotta love her.”
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phoebewallerbrigde · 4 years
Text
All For Us, (a Reddie x Euphoria HBO) fanfiction
"It was the end of summer, back-to-school was coming up, I had no intention of staying clean and Richie Trashmouth Tozier was back in Derry." 
Without any filter but with humor and franchise, here's the harsh coming of age story of Derry's youth through the eyes of Eddie Kaspbrak, 17, fresh out of rehab.
read it on AO3 || Explicit || 8k || 1/?
Hope you like it guys !
There was a time in my life where everything was fine, but that, that was before I was ripped out of my mother’s womb. Since then, it’s been shit.
Chapter 1 : Screwed.
I was born on September 3rd, 2002 in a world post 9/11 completely overwhelmed by the mourning and the duty of memory. It has been four months since Sam Raimi's Spiderman was at the top of the world box office and that Peter Parker had managed to give hope to America and New York. Far from everything and from New York, there was my mother and my father, and I was their Spiderman. Nice, huh? I don’t think so.
---
My life begins without warning with a childhood in a big house in the depths of America's asshole. Derry, Maine. A small town so small that everyone knows each other and knows everything. That’s where the problems start. My father became ill when I was 9 years old and my overprotective mother was already beginning to fall into what I call "parental and marital abuse". Life at home was absolutely not great, especially because of my "not fitting" behavior.
"Eddie-bear, is everything okay?" asked Sonia Kaspbrak worried.
A 10-year-old Eddie was still staring at the front door counting seconds every time he heard the clock tick of the dining room.
"Eddie-bear, look at me." she added in a calm voice. "You did not even touch your .."
Eddie turned her head to Sonia and began to cry at once. Sonia and Frank looked at each other in amazement, feeling completely helpless.
They did what every healthy-minded parent would do, choosing to consult several doctors, a psychologist and a children's psychiatrist. I wasn't physically abused, I always drank at least a liter of water a day, my mother prepared me good dishes, my father did not hit me... 
"Your son has OCD, ADHD and anxiety. He has a higher brain activity than the average child for his age, probably due to hypersensitivity and perhaps also to behavioral disorders... But he’s still too young to tell."
The psychiatrist's voice left a blank in the room and Sonia Kaspbrak burst into tears. Frank stroked his wife's back for reassurance and Eddie turned to his mother without understanding what was happening.
So why do I have this?
---
"Neuroatypical, you are neuroatypical, Eddie-bear."
Eddie mimicked his mother while eating his cereal bowl, she glanced him, he stopped and sighed.
"Show me your phone, I'll check your alarms."
An 11-year-old Eddie contemplated the capsules, pills and other medications that his mother was carefully distributing in each compartment of his medicine box. He handed him his yellow iPhone 5c that he had already unlocked on the alarms page.
"You have to take all your medicine, at the times indicated."
"I know, Ma."
Sonia looked at her son, who continued to eat with a peeved look on his face. She sat down beside him, putting down his cellphone and the box of compartmentalized tablets.
"You know ... there are lots of famous people like you - famous people, super creative and smart." She managed to catch Eddie's attention and then continued. "Look, your favorite actor who plays in The Truman Show for example."
"Jim Carrey?" 
"Yes!" exclaimed Sonia with a smile.
Yeah, and we all remember Jim Carrey during the 00s New Year Eve on David Letterman's set.
"A genius." ended Eddie with a smile before getting up and packing his box in his fanny pack.
I don’t really remember my pre-adolescence and all that time when I was 10 to 12. I mean, I remember my friends, how meaningless life was, how fast everything was falling apart for us because of daddy’s pneumonia, and how the world was going way too fast for my brain. And that sometimes, if I happened to think too much about everything, to concentrate too much on an smell or on the number of germs present under the table on which I wrote or on the strange way that I breathed ... I had a violent asthma attack. The space of a moment. But very quickly the space of a moment became all the time and all the time became a fight to fight these crises. And frankly...
"So this day, son?" Frank asked with a smile as Eddie walked into his room still dressed with his backpack.
He could hear his father listen to Queen and David Bowie's Under Pressure, one of his favorite songs who became one of his. That made him sketch a small smile.
"I'm fucking done with it."
--- 
I’m not necessarily proud of the choices I’ve made, but it wasn’t really like my mom didn’t push me. The house was full of meds. Meds here, meds there, meds in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the guest room, in the garage. My mother ordered meds profusely but gave me "gazebos" when I was perhaps the one who needed treatment the most. A treatment, I needed a treatment. I got it. It was there in front of me, everywhere, I knew every name and every dose of what the psychiatrist was giving me, it was not hard to remember, so I took it. I took but nothing. I did not feel any difference, the asthma attacks, the tremors, the sadness were still there. I took again and again and always more. When I went to the doctors, they increased the doses and I changed my mother's gazebos with my real meds. It made me feel something in the end, but it was too late, I was already addicted. But after all, is it really my fault? Oh, and I think we say "placebos".
12 years old and already on medication dependence. 13 years old and I stole my father’s morphine and other painkillers. 14 years old and I was asking for more with my psychotropics. 15 years old, I took my 1st taz and smoked my first joint. 16 years old and I sniffed my first rail, the first among others. That's why Georgie Denbrough found me unconscious in my own vomit. I had become a junkie ? I don’t know. I just liked the feeling. The feeling that it gave me, the nothingness. For once on earth, for as long as I can remember, I felt something new every time. It was this need that had led Georgie to scream with fear, which alerted Bill Denbrough to run to discover the disaster and tell him to look for my mother as he tried to wake me up. Poor Big Bill, he thought I was dead. I believed it, too.
I spent the whole summer in rehab after that, I never understood why. Well, I did but I didn’t think I was addicted to drugs. Drugs filled the gap that meds sometimes leave when it’s over. But I’ve learned that meds, too, are drugs.
"Eddie!"
"Georgie!"
Georgie ran into Eddie's arms, Eddie couldn’t help laughing and making remarks about how Georgie was almost ahead of him now. This made Bill laugh when he came to give him their secret handshake before taking the smallest in his arms.
"Hey!" whispered Eddie with a big smile.
Sonia in the distance watched her son squeeze the only two friends she had allowed to come with her to pick up Eddie, since they had been present and saved him with the accident. They ended up taking the road with them to their house. 
"I'm so happy you're back home, Eddie-darling, I missed you so much, never do that again, you gave me up for 3 long months, you realize, I could not to do nothing without you, I was so lonely and you know how much I hate it, never do that again, I made an appointment with the hospital for full exams and we will change you your doses, I will take good care of you my ... "
Eddie stopped paying attention to his mother, he looked around, Georgie and Bill cheerfully discussed everything Bill had planned to do to make up for lost time with Eddie. Not to mention the Losers, but Eddie figured out they were in. The brunette one landed on the windowsill and let the wind caress his face. He noticed in the distance a boy on a bicycle, this long and thin figure was telling him something. Brown curls, an alternative style between neglected but sought after, worn out converses, pale skin to death. Eddie’s eyes marveled at his sight when the car passed him. He felt his heartbeat accelerate and his heart pounding.
And that’s when the beginning of the end really began. It was the end of summer, back-to-school was coming up, I had no intention of staying clean and Richard Trashmouth Tozier was back in Derry. I had to talk to the one person who knew everything about everything.
---
"So ... How long have you been back among us? You have completely hidden your return." Mike asked, eating his salad.
"A week and I didn’t hide everything! I was in quarantine between the hospital and at home all week, thanks Ma. Bill didn’t tell you?" said Eddie watching Mike eat.
"Bill and I don’t really talk right now when we see each other. You know that."
Mike is probably the smartest person I know, yet he still didn’t dare tell the love of his life that he loved him. At the same time, he was living on a planet other than ours and didn’t really have time to be a normal high school student. It was easier to fuck Bill and continue to just be his bro than become his significant other. 
"Richie is back, by the way."
"Ah."
"Yup, he went to the farm and got a 50$ of weed. He didn’t even want me to give him a price."
"D'you know more?" "Hm... He’s already been here for two weeks. He seemed pretty happy to be back, California changes you a man." said Mike laughing what made Eddie smile. "We’ll see when we get back to school."
Eddie nodded at Mike.
"How are you feeling ?" Mike asked, carefully watching Eddie.
"Great since I gave my life to abstinence and I stopped jerking off." Eddie answered seriously.
"Oh ...... Cool, cool, cool, I'm really happy for you."
"Mike, I’m messing with you. You should see your face." Eddie laughed while Mike gave him a pat on the shoulder. " Anyway, that’s not all, but is your grandfather here, Vegemike?"
"Are you serious bro?"
"Hey, it's not because I'm doing a rehab that I'm going to stay clean."
"But.... Isn’t that the point of a rehab? I won’t let you do something stupid again."
"Come on, just weed."
"You do not like weed, Kaspbrak."
"Fine but can I at least have your cherry tomatoes?"
Mike nodded and smiled at his best friend who continued to eat his salad with him.
Something I missed this summer? My trips to the Hanlon farm. Mike being a divine cook and plus a vegan, obviously, his food was safe and harmless to me. And the Hanlon house was the best hostess for parties, it was big, rebuilt in recent years and far enough to be quiet. I must have missed a lot of parties, but if there was one coming up, Stanley Uris'. And if you thought I was gonna miss it, the last big party before school, so the most important one of the summer, you can suck my dick. That’s probably why that piece of shit of Henry Bowers brought his ass back to the farm. It’s a good thing the Hanlons were selling him their wares for twice as much.
"Yo, there you go! That’s his mama’s boy!" he cried as he entered the storefront. "I thought you were dead. Good, because my knife will be able to tate the ground."
"Go get your shit and get off him, dude."
"You’re lucky I haven’t touched you since you’re the best drug dealer in town, but don’t trust me, nig.."
Mike rose sharply and faced Bowers. His eyes were black and Bowers backed away.
"All right, all right, I’ll go."
I never liked Henry Bowers, and I truly believe no one has ever loved him. Even his father hates him. If you were looking for someone to identify as the rich cis hit white man in this city, it was him. He was "untouchable" or rather believed himself untouchable because his father was the most influential guy in the city. He had been sheriff but had ended up building his business and it had taken. It was quite unbelievable, however, now Bowers was living his best life and did not think he had to be accountable to anyone when he still had a mullet cut in 2019 and that he should clearly shut up the fuck up. Before, he harassed me as well as the rest of the Losers club, for my part I was entitled to homophobic insults in profusion. But one day we humiliated him front of his friends. Since then he has left us alone and yesterday’s nerds his become today’s popular. Karma, as they say.
 ---
It was about to get dark in a few hours, a young man was cycling in the streets of Derry. He was tall, fine and handsome. A car passed by him and he was destabilized.
"Back among us, motherfucker, this is my secret sauce as a welcome gift, Tozier!"
Bowers' voice was loud and Hockstetter's laugh had not failed him. Richie had managed to avoid the milkshake he had sent him. He gave him fingers as he went away and Richie sighed on his way home. He passed by the kitchen and dropped off his racing bag and went to his room where he threw himself into his bed. He took out his phone and went straight to Grindr. Richie was scrolling, watching nudes, messages, chatting with people, going from Grindr to Tinder, and finally finding happiness. For tonight, anyway, then took a nap.
If there was anyone that nobody expected to see again in Derry, it was Richie fucking  Tozier. He told me he was back from his parents' divorce. His father had kept the old family house in which he lived in Derry. Something must have happened with his mother in California because Richie preferred to come and live with his father in our good ol' Derry, but he refused to tell me what happened. That Tozier really is a moron.
Richie awoke. It was already 7 pm. He sighed, got up, went downstairs to eat with his father who had prepared some homemade pizzas and then went back to his room. It was 8 pm. He got motivated, launched his "Party times" playlist which debuted on Plus Putes Que Toutes Les Putes from the French band Orties. He took a shower and picked out an outfit. When he found the right one, he couldn’t help but smile. A black wide sweater with a yellow stripe in the middle and "The villa hopes" written on it, simple black slim jeans, red socks and its Converses x 70 x OFF Springs Velour Patchwork. He rolled up his sleeves, made himself up by putting on black, blue, yellow and red eyeliner to make an editiorial makeup, nothing too dramatic. He was dancing in front of his mirror and laughing. He passed his hands several times without his brown curls, put big silver rings on his fingers and finally put on his necklaces including his favorite, the one with a red balloon pendant. He took his Lacoste fanny pack and while looking at it, he had a little smile thinking of the one person who had never stopped wearing these before it became trendy again. He went down the stairs and fell on his father.
"Oh, look at yourself ! So, where are you going?" asked Wenthworth Tozier while observing his son.
Richie arrived in front of his father after crossing the living room. They lived in a beautiful house, quite luxurious from the outside as well as the inside. Richie hugged his father to reassure him.
"To a party, with friends."
"Friends ?"
"Yes, my old friends, dad."
Wenthworth nodded and Richie waved his hand with his index finger and middle finger at his temple before moving them away.
"Watch out, have fun and protect yourself, Rich!"
Oh, don’t worry, Mr. Tozier, Richie was sure to protect himself properly with those Saint Laurent condoms in his bag.
Richie smiled at his father before taking his bike and leaving.
Richie did not want his return to make too much noise. Yet it was all the opposite effect. Everyone who had lived in Derry between 2002 and 2016, so everyone, knew Richie Trashmouth Tozier. The first to know about Richie's return was Ben. Simply because the two were following the same two-week artistic summer course that the school had organized. It was a little stupid because Richie was a little genius despite appearances and Ben was just good at everything without having to force. At least Ben had been able to reconnect with Richie and pass the information to the rest of Losers, but except me, of course.
When he arrived in front of a hotel in the city, he smiled at the message of the chosen one and sent a message to Ben.
[Forget me for tonight, I have a date.]
Ben glanced at his phone, and then at Beverly. Both exchanged suspicious looks.
"What’s going on?" Beverly asked.
"It’s Richie. He says he’s not coming tonight."
"What did you told him?" Beverly looked at herself in the mirror.
"Nothing! He’s just gonna do his little business with someone."
"Oh okay, chill, he’ll come later. Why you scare us like that!" replied Beverly getting close to Ben to give him a kiss on the cheek.
Ben went red in action and Betty Ripsom made a disgusting sound. Beverly stopped to look at the brunette, she had completely forgotten her presence. After all, it was her who'll dropped them off at Stanley’s. "Stop. You’ll do the same thing tonight and even more," she said looking at her.
In case you're wondering, yes, Ben is in love with Bev. For far too long for me to remember. For Bev, however, nobody really knows. Bev is a mystery to everyone, I still wonder why she's friends with us. She's a cheerleader, she's so popular, much more than Mike or Bill or Stan. She has a reputation behind her, yet it has never stopped her from being the baddest bitch in town. A real rolemodel to the twink that I am. Perhaps the most amazing thing is that she was fake dated for a month with Bowers just for a bet and it lasted until today, well, until two days ago. She still made 200 dollars on it every month.
"You slept with Bowers, you do not have the right to speak." Betty retorted.
"A hand job. It was a hand job and it happened once during the 3 months of the bet. Then anyway, Bowers is a clown. It’s not Penny Wise who’s gonna say otherwise. I was able to take away as much as I could before I dumped him. And tonight, we move on." she said, turning to Ben.
"Yes, that’s what everyone wants to hear! Shit Ben, tonight you have to fuck! Not just a handjob or a blowjob! It’s not the '80s anymore, you have to catch some pussy."
Ben smiled slightly embarrassed and turned to Beverly who grinned while listening to Betty. He totally ignored Betty’s words, then lowered his head, a little disappointed. He really wanted to disappear underground at this very moment.
In his place, I’d like to, too. Thank you, Betty.
 ---
"Ma ? I’m leaving."
"Where, Eddie-bear? And so late? You can’t leave me like this." Sonia said as her son came into the living room. "And dressed like that? You look like a bad boy, I don’t like it."
"That’s my usual style, Ma. It’s only 10 pm and I’m going to Bill’s. Don’t wait for me and don’t panic. And yes, I took my medicine with me and my insulin just in case. See you, Ma."
A 16-year-old Eddie closed the front door and leaned back against it, looking down the street and sighing. He was divinely handsome, he had combed his hair, put glitter on his eyes and mascara which gave him an even more intense look. He had put on a silk shirt with patterns like the rich women's scarves, the colors were soft and pastel like salmon, beige, yellow or baby blue but it contrasted with his lame bomber and his slightly tanned and brilliant skin. With that, he had put some necklaces and he also let see his chest. He was wearing his white low converses and black skinny ripped jeans. He took a puff from his inhaler and looked at his bike lying on the ground. He turned his head away and began to walk. He took out his airpods and launched one of his Daily Mix on Spotify, he closed his eyes at Alphaville's Forever Young.
It is never easy to leave this house with a mother as unbearable as mine. In fact, I lied. I’m not going to go to Bill’s, it would be too much of a detour. We’ll meet at the party. I preferred to walk because when I drink, I don’t take the road because...
All the times he passed out, in the middle of the road completely drunk, kept coming to his mind as a nightmare.
You got it, anyway. I know, you're surprised that I drink, but alcohol is pretty much the same as my meds. Except for beer, I hate beer.
Eddie was quietly walking around, dancing, listening to Rubberband Man from the Spinners, and clearly living his best life. When a noisy car because of the music made itself heard more and more as it passed by. The passengers listened to Dang! of Mac Miller and that made Eddie smile, he loved Mac Miller.
"Oh my god, stop the car." exclaimed Beverly. "I said stop the car, Betty."
"Why ?" Betty asked, slowing down.
"We just passed Eddie Kaspbrak!" said Ben looking in through the back window.
"Oh my God! I think he was dead." Betty laughed.
"Shut up. You should be the one to die, Ripsom." Ben replied.
Eddie walked in front of them, not paying attention.
"Yo, the comeback!" yelled Beverly what pulled Eddie out of his music.
He turned to her and looked at her with a smile. She had a big smile and he leaned towards her.
"It’s good to see you again, we missed you." she said in all sincerity.
Ben nodded, which made Eddie smile, he almost had tears in his eyes. His best friends had not forgotten him.
"Are you being dropped somewhere?" Betty Ripsom asked.
"Well, thank you !"
Eddie waved to him and Ben opened the back door. He got into beautiful Betty's Volvo and Bev turned to him.
"What the hell are you listening to? Certainly not the New Kids On The Block." She said looking at Ben who shook his head negatively by squinting his eyes.
Eddie looked at his iPhone 8, Rubberband Man was finished, he pouted at the next song.
"London Calling." he answered hesitantly.
"Perfect."
The music started in the car, all four began to jam in the car while singing.
The party was already in full swing when I arrived with the others. Stan’s house was shining from the outside and eclipsing all the other houses, it was beautiful to see. From the inside, it looked like it was going to explode. In every room, chaos. A kind of stifling heat emanated as Megan Thee Stallion’s Hot Girl Summer filled the house. The minute Stan’s eyes crossed mine, he left Patricia for my arms. It was nice, it wasn’t every day that Staniel gave you a hug.
"Oh, fuck, Edward Kaspbrak himself, that's crazy, I .. I'm so happy to see you!" Stan shouted in his arms. Stan held him so tight that Eddie felt he was going to choke him. He must have been a little drunk. He was wearing a stretch short-sleeved shirt in washed jeans with black pants and chelsea boots. It was divine.
He had always been, it was Stan, he could afford it. He was smart, mature, funny, an excellent counselor, the mom of the group and he also organized the best parties in high school. How having money is really cool.
"Hey everyone! Look who’s back! To Eddie!" shouted Bev while lifting up her shot of tequila in the air.
The people present in the room did the same and repeated these two words at the same time. Bill raised his glass in my direction, he gave me a big smile and I was a little embarrassed. Everyone drank their glasses. Bev gave me a shot of tequila, everyone was looking at me now. It was weird. Being the center of attention is clearly not my stuff. But, I drank that shot and after that, everyone screamed for joy. Bev gave me a hug, then Mike just added himself to the hug, then Bill and then Stan. The Losers were together and I could clearly hear Billie Eilish’s Bellyache in my head.
---
The hotel was rather classy, the room too, thought Richie. He did not know that places like this existed in Derry. The chosen one was therefore fortunate. When he returned from a room that served as a kitchen with two glasses of champagne. Richie looked at him carefully, he liked to sleep with older men, but he never imagined that Butch Bowers was that kind of man.
Thank you." he said, looking at the man standing in front of him.
"Your face is familiar to me, have we ever seen each other?" Butch asked, looking at Richie.
Later, Riche told me that at the moment he wanted to say yes. He really should have done it.
"Not that I remember."
Butch nodded and drank his glass of champagne.
Richie had said he was 18, technically he was not lying, he was actually going to have them. The knowledge. And Richie was consenting.
Butch watched Richie.
"We will not fuck, you're too young."
Richie nodded, he avoided swallowing.
"I envy your generation, however. When I see you, I see two life choices."
He stroked Richie's cheek, then his lips with his thumb. Richie was looking at him almost religiously. There was a kind of tension in the room. They were not going to sleep together, but it was almost as if. In a parallel dimension, it was happening.
"You can leave, live an extremely beautiful life elsewhere, be fully yourself, find love, or you can stay here and end up like me, hanging out in fancy hotels." Butch continued looking at Richie's eyes.
"Both choices are possible." retorted Richie.
Butch's thumb sank into Richie's mouth.
"If only I could, I'd smash you." he said in a low voice.
Richie closed his eyes. He could not really say what he was looking for in this kind of completely barge plan. But there was so much he was looking for. One was definitely that special bond he had once bonded with a unique person in his life. When both made leave of this vocal flirtation, this visual fuck. Richie put California by Lana Del Rey in his ears. 
He looked at the door of the closed bathroom because the chosen one was taking a shower, he must have met someone before him and shoot his shot. Richie looked at his phone and left the room without making a noise. Once outside the hotel, he lit a cigarette. He took a few steps to his bike, when the song ended, the cigarette was too. He changed his song and went straight to Stan's house.
And there. The evening went fucking nuts.
The huge stairs in Stan's house were flooded and mobilized by people kissing, drinking or whatever. The music was in full swing, Eddie did not know the song, but he would have sworn it was one of the songs that Mike composed during his free time. He pushed people a bit to pass and went to the nearest toilet. He closed the door and looked at himself in the mirror before taking a breath of his ventoline. He kept looking in his bag with a tiny vial of white powder inside. There was almost nothing, but it did not matter because Eddie knew it was extremely strong. He spread it on a small spatula attached to his keychain which he had disinfected before and sniffed everything. He ran a hand through his hair and left the room. The sensations becoming stronger, his brain seemed to be reviving.
Blackbear’s Hot Girl Bummer burst into his ears. Suddenly, the world around him seemed to be totally out of sync with him. He almost lost his balance. Standing on the wall, clinging to people, Eddie laughed. The world revolved around him and he danced on the music that filled his brain.
All you need to know is that there are several versions of what happened tonight. It all depends on who tells you the story and... I’m not necessarily the most reliable narrator for this evening. But what I can assure you is that Bowers screwed up.
Bowers had been drinking since before with the party. He spent the night looking for Beverly and she wasn’t that hard to find she was in the Uris pool. Even wet, she was still the most beautiful girl of the party. She made a fairly simple make up. You’d think she had nothing if you didn’t know the basics of makeup. She was having fun with Betty and Audra Phillips, Bill’s ex, by doing a water fight and singing along on to Russ’s Do It Myself. And who knows why, Bowers as the fragile man that he is, wanted to break the moment.
"Slut!" he shouted as he reached the terrace.
He pointed to Beverly who turned to him.
"Yes ?" she replied, with a great deal of irony, a smile on her lips.
Everyone laughed and scolded Beverly's name. Bowers turned speechless. Beverly's smile widens.
"Well then, 2 minutes 30 lost his big mouth?" she said, coming out of the water and facing Bowers. "That is what I thought."
Everyone was watching the confrontation carefully. The first one since Beverly dumped Bowers and announced that it was all just a bet between her and Stan.
"Shut the fuck up, you only suck anyway."
"How could you know that since I would never suck you Henry Bowers? Now, please stop humiliating yourself in public. Go back to Greta Keene and forget about me, okay."
Bowers wanted to fight back but Beverly pushed him into the water and Georgie grabbed his leg to make it easier for him to fall. Everyone shouted and laughed. Stanley stood up and turned away from Mike, Bill and Eddie and apologized to see what was going on with Beverly.
"Really ?" He asked.
"You'll pay me Losers." he said as he stepped out of the pool and back inside.
Losers: 1. Bowers: 0. The school year is starting well.
Bill and Mike were laughing and Eddie smiled at Beverly.
It was at that moment that they concluded. The funny thing is that Bill, when he's alcoholic, totally loses his stuttering. So it was amazing to hear him speak clearly to Mike, especially when it was a rim job. I would have preferred not to be here to hear that. But I'm sure I heard a "I love you Mikey" so finally it was worth it.
"Everything's okay, bro?" asked Mike, noticing his presence again.
"Yeah.. Yeah, that’s fine... Glad to see you two are okay." he said, smiling and watching Bill blush.
At the same time, there was another one for whom things were going well. Ben Hanscom. Ben was playing truth or dare in one of the upstairs rooms with several of the Cheerios like Myra Stonehart or some of the guys from our class. Normally, truth or dare was the game we used to play when we were playing between us only, but here, it turned into a conversation about sex. And Ben Hanscom wasn’t a pro on the subject.
"What are you really virgin?" asked one of the guys in the discussion. "And do not say that a pipe, that counts."
"It counts." retorted Myra.
"You know nothing about it Myra. You're the one who wants to fuck Eddie Kaspbrak while everyone knows he's gay and clearly not interested."
Myra looked up at the skies with a grin.
"Who are you saving yourself for, man?" asked another one of the guys.
Beverly Marsh.
"No one. I’m just waiting for the right moment." Ben replied.
"Like, now’s not a good time?" asked another cheerleader. "If, I asked you to sleep with me tonight, what would you say?"
Ben blinked several times at Anna’s question and remained speechless.
Of course, Ben is an eternal romantic. He writes rose water's poems, appreciates courteous love stories and is much stronger when it comes to putting his thoughts on paper than saying it out loud. But, Ben Hanscom was definitely not a coward. He was just a virgin in a society where we wanted boys to breathe and eat porn all day long.
Anna leaned back to Ben.
"You’re super cute, Ben. You used to be before you started working out. In 5 years you’ll be a sex bomb and I want my cut now." she said in a rather serious tone.
The whole room was breathless, Anna was one of the sexiest girls in high school. Ben nodded softly and Anna smiled.
"Everybody clear this room now!"
---
While Ben surely lived what would be one of the most memorable evenings of his life. Richie Tozier had arrived at the party, and I was sprawled on that couch by the pool watching Mike and Bill be in love. Shit, I want what they have. At the same time, Beverly was playing in the pool with Audra and Betty, but you already know the rest.
"By the way, Eddie, you owe me 120 bucks." Mike said looking at his friend.
"Yeah, but I thought our friendship and the fact that I'm alive made up for that." Eddie replied.
"If you say so." Bill replied.
Stan came to join them.
"Frankly, Eddie, I missed you, we missed you all, it was not the same this summer without you, your drug stories make me feel bad."
"Aw Stan, don’t be sentimental."
"No, that’s not it. I love you, man, but... you really scared us." he said, taking a break before turning to Eddie.
Mike and Bill nodded in agreement with Stan.
"We thought you were dead. And seriously, Eddie, I’ve seen a lot of people die, but I would never agree to see you die for that. I’ve seen a lot of people die, but not people like you." Mike added. "I don’t know exactly what’s going on with your brain, but I can tell you one thing, drugs and getting high is not your solution."
A blank settled in between these four. He was not unpleasant, on the contrary. It was peaceful. They watched Beverly and Bowers fight.
"There’s one thing I remember... it happened when I was nine years old, shortly after my father was diagnosed. We were told that he was going to get better, I mean, that he had a chance of getting better. So, we celebrated it, we went to New York, seven hours back and forth. One of the best moments of my life. I told my dad that when I grew up, I would go to New York and live there."
Eddie’s voice started shaking and Stan gently shook his hand.
"Then we came home and I remember... that night, I slept with my parents and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. As if there was no oxygen in the world. My parents called the ambulance thinking I had a violent asthma attack. At the hospital, they gave me opium. Liquid. To calm me down and... then I thought, 'Okay, so that’s what I need'. Not mom’s medicine. That. Because all of a sudden, it was as if everything had become simpler. The noise, the voices in my head, everything was gone. Everything. Being in my head wasn’t a problem anymore. Four years later, he passed away and the asthma attacks that were actually anxiety and panic attacks continued. But that’s okay. I found a way to survive. I have you, guys. I have my psychiatrist. My medecine. Maybe it will kill me..."
Stan kissed Eddie's hand in support then got up and went to see the mess with Bev.
"Hey! Don’t say that!" yelled Bill slowly to Eddie before giving him a pat on his head.
"Touch me again in that ugly mustard buffalo shirt and I’ll kill you, Big Bill." Eddie laughed.
The three friends focused on the story of Bev and Bowers. Then Eddie stood up to give his best friends more privacy. Bowers had stormed into Stan’s apartment in the kitchen to get drunk. Blur’s Girls and Boys was in full swing throughout the house and the first thing Bowers did was not to drink, but to sweep a few bottles here and there with the back of his arm. Eddie and Stan followed Bowers wanting to throw him out of the party and Beverly Marsh had left the pool to annoy Mike and Bill that she had dragged inside after getting dressed.
"Get out of the kitchen!" screamed Bowers scaring everyone. " Get the fuck out."
The people around him backed back carefully to avoid getting a piece of glass, while watching Bowers lose it. Richie dug himself into a corner of the kitchen staring at Bowers totally destabilized by his behavior. Eddie, Stan, Mike, Bill and Bev entered the crowd.
"What's your fucking problem?" he said looking at Richie.
Richie looked at the sides and then looked at Bowers, he didn’t know what to say.
"Why are you here?" he says, moving forward and sticking to him. "Huh? You can't speak ? Aren't you Trashmouth Tozier for nothing?"
At the Trashmouth name agreement, Eddie’s attention got bigger. Shit, what is Richie doing here ?
"Can I know who invited you? You don’t even have any friends here. Everyone forgot you."
"Listen, uh. I don’t want any trouble, I just want to spend a chill night in my corner." Richie said, looking him in the eye.
He didn’t even blink.
"People like you are not here to stay in their corners. You are a problem here, you see, nobody answers. Nobody!" he shouted at Richie.
Richie grabbed the first kitchen knife and pointed it at Bowers, who backed away.
"You think you scare me? You think you scare me, Bowers? You know what we do to sons of cops like you in California?" yelled Richie in turn as he moved towards Bowers. "Back the fuck up!"
"I was fucking kidding. I was fucking kidding !"
"I’m not afraid of you, Bowers."
"W-put the knife down, okay? Put it down! I was laughing."
"You want to hurt me? You have no idea who I am." Richie yelled when he put the knife down.
At the same time he cut his hand without intentionally doing with one of the glass pieces of broken bottles. The spectators cried out in complete shock at this spectacle.
"You see. I absolutely don’t feel pain."
"Are you fucking crazy or something, Loser !?" added Bowers.
Bowers stood in his trembling corner, everyone watching the scene between confusion, admiration, shock and total chaos.
"No, I’m Richie Tozier. And it’s good to be home. Great party tho, Stan the man !" he said while smiling before leaving the room.
Oh yeah... fuck me.
Eddie quietly left his friends after that.
Ben came back down the stairs and saw Richie leave the party in fury.
"What did I miss?" Ben asked Mike.
"Where were you, man? You missed the craziest thing ever !" Mike asked Ben.
"I took care of my business."
Mike stares at Ben not fully understanding what Ben meant.
"I’ve lost my virginity."
"What? With whom?" asked Mike.
"Anna Addams."
"Wow. The Anna Addams?" he said with a smile. Ben confirmed by nodding his head, then Mike took him in his arms. "Well! Congratulations! How was it?"
"You should ask her."
Mike laughed and joined Stan in the kitchen. Stan gave Bowers a broom, cleaning supplies and a shovel.
"Clean up, or I’m going to get Richie." Stan said with a black look and a cold, stern voice.
Bowers took them and resigned himself. He glanced at Mike, Mike supported him, and Bowers resigned himself.
"I will stay in case you botch the job. Oh, after that, you and your friends will leave the party. Thank you." added Stan who was joined by Patricia, his girlfriend.
---
Eddie came out of the Uris house looking for Richie Tozier. He found him quite quickly getting his bike back.
"Hm... is everything all right?" Eddie asked while watching Richie.
Oh my God.
"Uh, yeah, it's good, don’t worry, m... Eddie Spaghetti?"
Richie smiled and blinked several times before moistening his lips. His smile came back, but this time in a corner one. He watched Eddie attentively, capturing every detail of his face. His hair was slightly unscrewed, his mascara had dripped a little and mixed with the glitter on his eyes. His pink lips, his freckles, his smile. Richie hugged him.
Wow. I think I’m getting hard.
"Yes yes, it’s m... Hey, don’t call me that!"
"You look good. It just smelled like trouble in here."
Eddie opened his eyes and began to blush slightly.
"Thank you, you’re not bad either... Yes! Yes, I understand your action. It’s just what you did... It was deadly classy."
The two stared at each other for a moment. Richie noticed the necklace on Eddie’s red balloon pendant.
"You still have it! That’s so cool."
"Oh the necklace? Yes! I’m not leaving it. You too, from what I see! You... you’re going somewhere?"
"At my place." Richie replied.
"I.. Can I come?"
"Yeah, of course! But your mother ? How is she since the last time I fucked her ?" Richie asked while mocking Eddie.
"Fuck my mother."
Yeah, fuck my mom. I found back the only boy I’ve ever loved in my entire life, looking like a fucking greek god and I still have to think about my mom ? Not today, Ma, not today.
The two took the road on Richie’s bike. Bowie’s Heroes passed on Eddie’s little JBL bluetooth speaker. Then, Richie suggested him to put Eddy de Preto's Fête de Trop. He was thrilled, clinging to Richie’s waist and resting his head on his back. He had strangely waited for this moment all week. It may not have happened the way he hoped, but Eddie was appeased.
Once they entered the Tozier house, they both went up to Richie’s room. Not much had changed compared to before, it was perhaps closer and more harmonious. Richie undressed and changed into pajamas, Eddie did his best not to look and Richie laughed at him. He gave her one of his sweaters that turned out to be too big for him, but anyway, he loved it and Richie loved seeing Eddie like that. He was just so...
"Cute. You’re so cute, Eds!"
"Stop it, won't you ?!"
Eddie rushed to clean Richie’s wound and apply a bandage with his first aid kit. Richie teased him by calling him Doctor K. and it was like Richie never left Derry. Richie had always been there somewhere and Eddie had seen him become a young man. Once the wound was cleaned and dressed. They took off their makeup and then the two men went face to face in Richie’s bed. They didn’t really need to talk to each other to say all the things they had on their hearts. They both laughed and Eddie snuggled in Richie’s arms. Nothing has changed. They still liked sleeping together. They still loved each other.
Mike, Bill and Georgie went home to the Denbroughs, Georgie fell asleep in the car, but Bill took him to his room quietly and then brought Mike in, then in his room where for the first time they spent the night talking when they were only the two of them.
Bev had gone home in the early morning and managed to miraculously avoid her father. She took off her makeup and changed her clothes at Stan’s after helping her clean everything up.
Ben had slept at Stan’s with Anna and had also cleaned everything with Betty, Patricia, Myra and others who had planned a sleepover at his house.
Bowers didn’t go home after cleaning up Stan’s kitchen, he went to Hockstetter’s to get drunk until the morning. Humiliated, uprooted, and completely high. He was severely taken back by his father and mother but especially by his father and went to his bedroom having already found his future victim for the year.
The next day, Richie and Eddie woke up early. Richie stopped by to brush his teeth and wash himself because Eddie forced him to do it and then Eddie did the same. Once back in Richie’s room, Eddie stared at him as he sat on his bed.
"I have an idea." he said softly.
"What?" Richie asked while stroking his hair softly.
"Wanna get high?"
33 notes · View notes
mystic-bs · 7 years
Note
Could I request hcs of the rfa+saeran dealing with an mc with agoraphobia induced by panic disorder?;;
Sorry this took so long, anon! I am here now, I hope this is good, I don’t have a 100% understanding of agoraphobia, but I read about it to get more in depth and I hope I did okay!! also, warning: maybe some triggering content? Also long ass post lmao (it literally took me three four hours??) 
Yoosung
Yoosung has his problems, having to deal with Rika’s death and all, so naturally he knows what it’s like to feel unbearable pain
However, he hasn’t experienced the amount of fear and anxiety you feel just to leave the house  
And to be honest, you haven’t really brought it up to him
You just kinda offered to stay home and clean, and if you knew he was planning on going out then you would purposely dirty the place so you’d have a reason to stay behind
However, today is the day you are forced to leave the house
Yoosung has a horrible case of the flu, and needs medicine ASAP
Obviously he can’t get it himself, he’s sick! 
So, you decide that maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to get out and get back with no trouble
“I-I’ll be back soon… Call me if anything happens, okay?” you say, putting on your coat, trying so so hard to not show any fear
“Okay,” he coughs. “Thank you…”
He’s so sick… Which motivates you to push yourself to the doctors office to pick up his prescription. 
Gulping, you nod, and open the door
You’re a paranoid wreck the whole walk there— you don’t like driving because that’s dangerous and you could get in an accident
You keep looking behind you, and your eyes rarely leave the sidewalk below you, twiddling your fingers to keep your mind off of it
But it doesn’t help
It’s just too strong, and you can’t hold it back anymore
Your breathing in creases, and you look up and at the people around you
so many people, too many people, they’re all looking at you, they’re all looking at you, what if they wanna hurt you? What are they thinking about you?!
You can’t walk anymore, you’re shaking too hard, your legs aren’t cooperating
Your heart is racing, and you can’t slow it down, and you break out into a sweat
It’s getting harder and harder to take breaths now, and you can feel the panic breaking into your chest, causing tears to surface
You can’t do it, you just can’t…
You back up slowly, eyes darting from place to place
you can’t break down here, not here, anywhere but here…
Using all your might, you turn around and break into a full on sprint back to your house
Good thing you didn’t make it very far before you had to turn back and run
You reach the front door, breaths becoming shorter and shorter now
You jiggle the doorknob, looking over your shoulder obsessively, trying to jam your key into the lock
In the panic you drop your keys, and it feels like you’re going to break soon, you can already feel the attack coming, you can’t calm yourself down….
“Let me in!” you shout, banging on the door, tears falling from your face, saliva sticking to your lips
“Let me in, let me in!” you pound on the door, eventually sliding down it, and curling up in the corner, pulling your knees up to your face, rocking back and fourth
These moments, they last forever… Seconds feel like minutes, minutes feel like hours
 You hear the lock click, and the door open
“(y-y/n)? What’s wrong??”
You look up and see Yoosung, looking at you with a panicked expression, yet a pale and sickly looking one at the same time
“Y-Yoosung!” you sob, getting into the house as fast as possible and slamming the door behind you, locking it 
“(y/n) what,” he has a coughing fit, “what happened!?”
“I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t, I couldn’t, I couldn’t, I couldn’t…!” you holler grabbing your hair and pulling, your nails digging into your scalp, even to the point where you draw blood
When Yoosung sees the blood dripping from your forehead, he kneels down and quickly rips your hands away from yourself, “t-talk to me (y/n), what happened!” 
You wrap your arms around his torso, trying not to dig your nails into him, and you just shake your head and scream
Yoosung is scared for you, he’s never ever seen you like this
“I-I’m sorry…. I’m so… I’m so sorry!” you wail, hiding your head in his chest. “I wanted to… I wanted to be able to do this for you but I just… I just can’t!”
“Do what???”
“I… I can’t do it… I can’t go out, I hate, I hate public spaces, anywhere with people, I just… I can’t stand it! I get so scared and it just eats away at me and I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!” you scream, shaking uncontrollably and hanging onto Yoosung for dear life
“T-That’s what this is about?” he asks softly, stroking your hair
“MC… Why didn’t you just say so?” he kisses your forehead
he really hopes you don’t get sick because he’s so close to you
“If that was the case I could’ve had Zen or Seven run out and get it for me.. MC,” tears swell in his eyes, “I don’t like seeing you like this… You’re my MC… I-I’m sorry I made you go out…” he sniffles, and pulls you closer to him
“Y-You didn’t know,” you start taking some deep breaths, even though it’s hard due to your head spinning and your body being numb, “I’m sorry… That I couldn’t d-do it for you…” you feel the tears coming back
“MC… It’s okay, really… I understand…” he coughs. “I’m not mad or upset, MC,” he hugs you close until you calm down
It was… Nice, and calming being in his arms
He understands now, and now you don’t have to mess up the house for an excuse to stay home…
You like this feeling; the feeling of comfort
But you really did get the flu after this
Zen
You’re okay at some places, you are
You can handle shopping for things like food and cleaner… But that’s only because you have a purpose being there
You’re doing something, and you don’t feel so purposeful at the bar. 
Zen was stressed about not getting a part, so you agreed to going to the bar with him for a night of fun to get his mind off of it
It’s not just any bar, no, it’s a club
The music is so deafening, and the people dancing and laughing and just… There’s too much, it’s too much
But Zen seems to be having a good time…
“Wanna dance, princess?” he asks, winking at you
You really don’t want to, nor do you want to be here… It’s literally your worst nightmare
The only other times you’ve been to a place like this, it’s ended horribly
In fact it’s gotten so bad that you have a horrible fear of going to any type of party, even to a place with a lot of people, it’s too much for you, way too much for you…
The flashing lights, the tightness of your dress, the loud music, the people laughing too loudly and harshly… You have to go, you don’t want to ruin Zen’s night…
You can already feel the panic attack coming, your stomach flips into a pool of uneasiness and your head starts spinning like a top on hardwood
“Babe? What’s wrong, you’re pale…” he reaches out to stroke your cheek, but you just jerk away and say
“H-Hold on, I u-uh, I have to go… Do something,” you stammer out, hurrying to the bathroom
Your feet are loosing feeling in them as your breaths become more forced and short, your heart rate picking up in seconds
It doesn’t help that your dress is so god damned tight!!
You start pulling at it, arms shaking, but your legs are shaking worse
When you get to the bathroom, there are too many people in there for your comfort
You back out immediately, and find a storage closet 
You don’t waste a second before going in and slamming the door behind you
You sit down and pull your knees to your chest, covering your ears in an attempt to shield the music
It doesn’t work very well, however
Your tears stream down your face, messing up your once perfect eye makeup
Sweat screams down your skin, and your body shakes horribly
This is worse than last time, or any of the times before for that matter! You can’t calm down, and part of it is knowing that you are most definitely going to ruin Zen’s night… 
You wanna scream, you have to scream, but you can’t, you just can’t, not here! 
You bite your lip to the point where it starts bleeding, screaming in your throat without opening your mouth
You fall onto the floor, in a ball, and try to cover yourself with your arms, trying to make yourself disappear, trying to make yourself dissolve into nothing, just like you deserve!
You only hear white noise now, you don’t even notice the storage door open
Sound seeps back into your ears when you hear Zen calling your name, pulling you into his arms
“MC! What’s wrong?! What happened? Did someone touch you? What happened? MC, please, tell me whats wrong…!” he begs
“Z-Zen…” you cry. You want to tell him you’re sorry, you want to tell him that you didn’t want to ruin his night, but you can’t find your words
You just sob into his shirt, trying your hardest not to scream, not to embarrass him, but it’s so hard… 
“Come on, lets get out of here,” he speaks softly, picking you up bridal style so that you don’t have to walk
You cry uncontrollably into his arms, the shaking just getting worse
He sets you in the car, and just stares at you, not knowing what to say, “MC.. Please talk to me… please…” he holds onto your hands and stares into your teary eyes
“I-Its j-just too much… I’m s-sorry Zenny!” you sob, snot filling your nose
You can’t hold it back anymore
You let out a scream, and grab onto Zen for dear life
Your arms hold his chest so tightly, yet at the same time you want to be alone, you don’t want to be with someone…
“M-MC, I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean…”
You hide your face in his chest, wails of raw white fear emitting from deep in your throat
“Zen… Zen, Zen!” you repeat his name over and over again, and it causes even him to have tears in his eyes 
In around 20 minutes you finally are able to calm down significantly 
On the drive home you explain to Zen about your phobia, and how you thought you’d try tonight for him
He wasn’t upset at all, he was happy that you’d put yourself through that for him, but he doesn’t want you to do it again
he’s content with it just being you and him
Bonus!! 
The next day, you had asked Zen to run out to pick up some coffee creamer 
Little did he know that you were planning a very special night for the two of you
You felt bad about ruining his night, even though he claims it was okay
You know he’s still upset about not getting that part, so you get into your tight dress once more and dim the lights
You put on some music to play softly in the background
When he comes home he has the biggest dorkiest smile 
“Well… I figured that I could help you get your mind off of not getting that part…”
The beast is excited 
Jaehee
Jaehee knows about your phobia, because you trusted her enough to tell her, but she doesn’t know the extent of it
She know’s how much you hate public transport, and how you can barely do it
So when your car doesn’t start on a freezing cold morning, she knows that you are going to despise this 
“M-MC… The car won’t start,” she says to you
Your heart d r o p s , you can feel it in your chest
You have to get to the coffee shop, you love going there, but it’s all the way in the city…
Jaehee grabs your hand, and hands you her phone with some headphones, “I-I don’t know much about your phobia, but maybe if you… I don’t know, listen to some music and close your eyes, it’ll help?”
You can tell she’s trying really hard, and normally she would just request you to stay home, but she know’s how much this coffee shop job means to you
You gulp, and nod, smiling a little, “thanks, Jaehee…. I love you so much,” you laugh a little, hugging her tightly
She’s a blushing mess lmao
“And maybe you can wear some sunglasses so people don’t notice that your eyes are closed?” she smiles, hugging you close to her. “Are you sure you don’t wanna stay home for the day?”
You nod, and say, “I wanna go with you… I don’t want this to rule my life forever. I’m ready to go.”
When you guys arrive at the subway station, she gives you her sunglasses and you put in your earbuds, making the volume abnormally loud
You know there are people around you, tons of people, scary people…
Jaehee’s fingers intertwine yours, and she holds you close to her on the subway, nervous for you
You can feel yourself starting to shake, so you focus on the music
You focus on each beat, every beat, the tone, the song, the lyrics, the people around you, the beat, the guitars, the voice, too many people, the meaning behind the words, each rhyme, each pause, the danger around you, no way out, no way off, stuck, stuck, stuck…
You feel Jaehee squeeze your hand, and you squeeze right back
You squeeze so hard that you know it must hurt her, but you can’t let go… Her grasp is the only thing holding you back from losing it
You feel her start pulling you forward, and you follow her
Soon you can feel yourself get off of the subway… you made it
You made it without breaking down! But… How are you going to get back home now? It was hard enough to get through that…
Jaehee reaches up to your cheeks and pulls your earbuds out, smiling warmly at you, “you made it, MC! I was worried that you wouldn’t… I’m so happy you were able to control it, even if it was just once..” she hugs you, and you hug her back, shaking still
But she doesn’t mention the shaking
She’s just so happy for you! She know’s how much you fear public transportation
“Thank you, Jaehee….” you kiss her cheek and she smiles
“Don’t worry MC, the car should be warmer as the day goes on. I’ll take the subway home and drive back to pick you up, okay?”
What did you do to deserve this sunflower of a woman?
Jumin 
Jumin doesn’t really understand much about mental illnesses and phobia’s
He’s so used to repression, how could he understand it?
So when you guys had to go overseas for a vacation, you knew you would have to take a plane
And taking a plane, meant going to the airport
And at the airport… Well the airport is full of scary people, right? You hate airports. 
You can handle anything but them, even though it took you years to get used to crowds in general
But airports are the one thing that you cannot handle, and you weren’t about to tell Jumin that.
Would he understand? Would he be able to comprehend the seriousness of your phobia? You want him to of course, but you’re too scared of the outcome
You tried to get around it the easy way at first– why not just vacation here?
But he wants you to see the world with your own eyes, not just simple pictures that other people have taken
He wants to take you to the cherry farm… which you know is important to him
That was the first attempt to get out of it
The second attempt, you took really long in the morning getting ready before the big trip, so hopefully you wouldn’t have to stay in the airport for very long
But, with your luck, the flight got delayed. 
D e l a y  e   d
So now you have to sit through it and try not to have a panic attack
Jumin, on the ride to the airport, is going on and on about how excited he is to share this with you and you can’t help but smile
You can’t let him down… You have to be strong, right?
You thought you could handle it, but when it came into sight you lost all hopes of ‘handling it’
What are you going to do?! You can’t just l e  t Jumin see you break down, you’ll have to run off and hide somewhere… Alone
You make it through security just fine, but the anexity is setting in
Your heart begins with just a flutter, before it plunges into an uncontrollable panic
While you two are sitting in the waiting chairs, you can’t help but think about how long you’ll be stuck here
So much can happen in 2 hours… 
“Jumin, I’ll be right back, okay?” you smile forcefully at him, and stand
“Let me go with you-” 
“No,” you don’t wanna cut him off, but you can’t help it. “I wanna go alone.”
“W-Well where are you going?” he asks, surprised at your coldness
“Away,” you whisper, trying to stop your shaking
You begin to walk away, but he’s following you, asking if you’re mad at him for something
“N-No I’m not I just need to go away for a little bit…”
He grabs your hand, and pulls you into him
That’s when he notices the tears
“MC?? What’s the matter, darling?”
Your lips quivers, and your eyes dart from place to place
You can’t control it
You don’t stand a chance against it.
“Jumin l-let me go…”
He frowns, against the idea entirely. You’re on the verge of tears for seemingly no reason at all, he has to do something!
“I can’t do that. Not until you tell me-”
You start shaking, and biting your thumb hard so that you don’t scream
You crash to the ground, and he comes with you, holding your shaking form tightly against his chest
he can’t help but freak out??
“I-I can’t do it Jumin, I can’t, I don’t wanna be here, I wanna get on the plane I wanna g-get out of here!”
Jumin’s mind is racing, and his heart is breaking at the sight of you like this
He doesn’t know what to do, do you truly want to be alone? Do you want him to embrace you? What? 
“I can’t handle it,” you whisper out, trying not to make too much noise to attract a crowd
“Can’t handle what, my love? Tell me and I’ll, I’ll fix it for you…”
“The a-air… The airport…” you stammer, trying your hardest to calm down
But the harder you try to conceal it the more you shake…
“MC we… We can’t leave, security won’t let us back in…” he frowns. “We don’t have to go on the trip. We’ll go home, and I’ll get a private plane, how does that sound?”
“N-No that won’t be necessary…” you cry into his chest, holding the folds of his shirt tightly in your sweaty fist 
“MC… This trip isn’t just about me, it’s about us… Come on, lets go home…”
Needless to say, on the ride home you were able to let it all out, and tell Jumin everything.
Your old fears, and the ones you just can’t get rid of
And he even opened up to you a little about some of the memories that plague his mind, and the ones he’s worked hard to get over
you believe that together you can help the other grow in ways they couldn’t on their own
Your relationship has reached a milestone
and now?
You’re more than ready for the future, even if it is still scary
Saeyoung 
Agent 707 has a lot of problems with depression 
So in a sense, it was almost comforting when he found out that you weren’t all happy sunshine either
You had fears and sadness hidden deep within you
Just like him
And he figured it out before the rest of the RFA, and he had an idea that you had agoraphobia, just the way you acted gave him small little clue’s
but when the day of the party rolled around, you really did not want to go
Even though he hasn’t officially seen you yet, he still knew that what he feels for you isn’t just platonic
So when people kept nagging you to come to the party, he finally messaged them: come on guys, maybe MC has her own reasons for not wanting to go
he was happy when you left the chatroom and privately messaged him: thank you:) 
He knew what he was planning was wrong, and that he shouldn’t do it, but he couldn’t stand going to the party without you… But he also couldn’t stand not seeing you
He managed to somehow sneak away, and get out of the party without getting his head chopped off by Yoosung or Jaehee
He went to your/Rika’s apartment, and quietly unlocked the door, opening it to go inside
“MC~!” he grins. “It’s me! Your warrior seven-zero-seven who fought for justice when the RFA was forcing you to attend the party!”
“S-Saeyong?” you ask, coming out of the room you were in. “Is that really… You?” you smile hugely, and rush over to him, hugging him so suddenly that he falls to the ground
“Hahaha! Of course it is, dumby! By the way, the party is totally lame,” he chuckles, hugging you close to him. “I figured meeting you would be much more exciting… And I was right. As usual!” 
You giggle, and hug him tighter, “thank you for understanding…”
“So… MC, why didn’t you wanna come to the party?” he asks in a serious tone
“I-It’s nothing personal! I just… Don’t like parties, is all… I guess…”
“I see….”
Uh oh, does he not like you anymore? Was that the wrong answer? Oh no, you’ve screwed everything up!
“Good!” he chirps. “I don’t like parties either. I guess we’ll just have to keep each other company then, huh.”
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adamkemp-blog1 · 5 years
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I would like to start by saying that I don’t value the bench press for any sort of athletic competition, its carry over is little to none for me.
However, if you are trying to build mass, or look really cool, a strong barbell bench press is one of the absolute best ways to make this happen.
My experience and knowledge about bench pressing comes from the fact that at 6’ 10” and having about a 7’ wingspan I was able to bench press a maximum of 365lbs earlier in my lifting career.
For some this might not be too impressive, but while also playing college basketball at the time and clearly focusing on speed and basketball skill I thought this was a pretty impressive accomplishment!
Two things which I learned during my crusade through bench press prominence is that there is not one single program which will get you to your goals but it is a combination of different methods, and also that building your bench press can also be a crucial part of any fat burning program since the movement itself works so many muscles!
Best Bench Press Programs
My bench press was built through a combination of numerous different methods, so I will outline those for you.
The exact program I used is a little bit incoherent since I generally go more off of “feel” than an actual program.
Anyone who I talk to about training knows that my method for building a body is far more reliant on understanding yourself, and understanding the effect that training should have; rather than just giving a person a certain amount of sets, reps, and exercises to do.
Anybody can sell you a workout program, not everyone can teach you how to learn about yourself.
I strongly believe that all physical goals are possible and personally subscribe to the theory of “Endless Human Potential.”  If I can bench press 365lbs with my unusually poor physics for pressing, I know a whole lot more people could be pressing over 500lbs easily!
5×5 Bench Press Program
When I began lifting around 15 years old I started with the basic 3 sets of 10.  After this, I discovered the “pyramid” technique of lifting; 10-8-6-4-6-8-10.  Both of these didn’t do much for me, and rightfully so.  Those were extremely beginner programs and training styles.  You can make progress as a novice with these type of methods, but after this you need something substantial.
The first real programmed which I followed was the 5×5 approach.  Still basic, but it works.  I actually made really strong progress lifting this way since it was so easy to follow and stay on track.  Any program which you are consistent with will work to a certain extent, and the 5×5 training method proves this.
3×5 and 5×3 Bench Press Programs
After using the 5×5 method for a while and managing to bench press nearly 300lbs I began to feel that the programming was getting a bit stale to me.  I wasn’t gaining any size or shape, and my numbers were slowing down.  This is when I decided to play around with my methods a bit.  One thing which seemed to help me quite a bit was something close to a traditional 5-3-1 program, but with a little twist.
I would start with a weight I could move for 5 sets of 3 reps.  Then, move this to 3 sets of 5 reps.  Followed by again going for 5 sets of 5 reps.  I’ve used this for back squatting as well and had just the same results.  If you have used 5×5 for a while and want a change, I suggest you try this out!
You can really attack weight heavily on this because generally if you have been training correctly your body will learn to adapt as you want it, and you can push yourself more and more.
This programming style is great for people with a high level of motivation, as you can pick and choose the weight which you want to push forward at your own pace well!
10×3 Bench Press Protocol
This is probably my favorite training style and it is the reason I was able to push my bench press over 350lbs, and also where I discovered that bench pressing can really boost your metabolism and fat burning ability.
Start with a weight that you can easily get for 6-7 reps, because you want to give yourself room for growth over a period of about a month.
It’s simple, 10 sets of 3 reps.  Keep rest times to around a minute and a half.  Don’t rush the rest, but also don’t rest too long.
The beautiful part of this training style is that your body actually adapts and the weights become easier to move towards the later sets.
I really don’t understand this and I don’t think there is an actual scientific reasoning, but I have proven it to myself both on perceived exertion as well as heart rate monitors.  It literally becomes easier as you go on.
30 reps also are a lot of pressing for a heavy weight!  Many traditional strength programs have you only performing 10 or less maximal working sets, here you perform 30!  Making this program viable not only for building strength, but also for building muscle.
I suggest just adding 5 total pounds to the bar each workout, and working up slowly.
The cumulative effect of moving a heavier weight for that many reps will ultimately boost your 1 rep max far more than you could ever believe!
8×8-The Honest Workout
Known as the “Iron Guru”, Vincent Anselmo Gironda was a popular professional bodybuilder and also the owner of “Vince’s Gym.”
He strongly believed that the process of bodybuilding involves 85% nutrition, and 15% intelligent programming.
Most of his trainees won a majority of the important contests during the 1960s, with the most prominent one being Larry Scott who won the first IFBB Mr. Olympia in 1965.
Based on the training style of Vince Gironda, there are several lessons that everyone interested in strength training will learn; as he was able to develop a system that still is yet to be topped by any method today!
Taking Care of Your Body to Improve Your Bench Press and Overall Strength
Easily the feature of Vince Gironda that I respect the most is that he advocated and believed that ultimate performance does not come through simple supplementing or programming, but is a culmination of the way that you treat your body.
According to Gironda’s methods, one of the most crucial elements of building your body overall is within the avoidance of several mental and physical energy leak.  Some of these “leaks” he suggested that people should avoid includes:
Skipping meals
Injesting refined sugar
Smoking cigarettes
Drinking alcohol in any excess quantity
Furthermore; he referred to mental leaks as certain emotional traits that tend to disrupt tranquility like ego, anxiety, and hate.
Balancing out these physical leaks with emotional calmness is something I have personally advocated, and was even more convinced after doing my own research on Gironda years ago.
Increased Training Intensity
Gironda actually referred to training density as training intensity, and he is of the view that a bodybuilder should strive to increase the amount of work done in a given amount of time. Gironda believes that you can actually decrease your rest intervals while constantly maintaining a constant increase in your training density.
This is reflected in the training style of Gironda’s pupils who took rest within a time in a range of 10 to 15 seconds between sets.
Crossfit is a prime example of this theory.
I do not like Crossfit.
I need to make that clear.
However, they do get some things correct.  Combining more practical training methods with the theory of increasing training density and intensity is what I would consider the perfect theory on exercise.
The Honest Workout
One of the best strategies of Gironda was that he leveraged periods of high volume training in order to achieve quicker muscle growth, placing emphasis on lagging body parts and reduction of body fat.
The 8×8 system was always one of his favorite workouts, as it emphasizes exercising with several sets and reps; creating a shorter but much more effective workout overall.
With most of his workouts lasting for an hour or less, Gironda trained that way to give the muscle groups time to recover from hard training sessions.
The 8×8 strategy has worked incredibly well when attempting to increase my overall bench press, as it focuses both on power and strength, as well as reducing body fat.  This method involves doing 8 sets of 8 reps with about 30 seconds of rest to start with.  I promise you, it works!
Start with a weight that you feel will be even too light for you.
Work your way up by increments of 5-10lbs total per workout.
When you find a way that you are proud of accomplishing, try shortening the rest time!  By training in this fashion, you will increase your power on the bench press, burn fat, increase 1rm strength, and improve your overall work capacity!
Becoming a Body Sculptor
To develop a perfect physique, you need to be specific in the way that you are training; not building random muscles throughout your body.  It takes a perfect physique in multiple ways to accomplish any goals you set for yourself.
No, I do not mean a perfect physique in that you need shredded abs and incredible shape, but you need to be perfectly aligned with yourself!
This was Gironda’s perspective to bodybuilding.  It carries over very well to athletics as well.  By training with a focus and with a planned way of accomplishing a given goal, there is no doubt that you can achieve whatever you want!
Increase Frequency of Meals
Gironda actually recommended eating 6 small meals daily which would help to stimulate metabolism, and he allowed less carbohydrates and increased fats in his diets which is against the common practice of the aerobic training industry.
I basically believe in both of these things, but with a bit of a twist.  I certainly believe that you should be eating more- healthy, dietary fats than carbohydrates.  I have written about this many times.
Healthy fats should power your body through the day, and carbohydrates should be there to steadily manage your energy levels along with your proteins.  Too many carbohydrates can substantially hurt your physique, while too few can do just the same.
I don’t necessarily believe in needing 6 small meals, but I believe in the importance of consistently fueling your body with the correct nutrition throughout the day.  High quality, whole foods throughout your day beats any other eating method, I’ll just leave it at that.
Other Concepts
There are several other concepts that Gironda promoted, some of them include:
He believed in working the abs daily
He was an advocate of a good breakfast
Gironda believed in the need to frequently change your workout
He promoted the use of supplements
He was always willing to experiment new ideas
He believed in the power of concentration while training
I believe in literally every one of these for various reasons, but the one I want to touch on is the need to frequently change your workouts.  I change my workouts literally every time I train.  I rarely do the same workout twice.  It can be a minor change, but you should always be switching around how you do things.  If not, your body will adapt far sooner that it should.
If you are a novice, however, stick to one system until you learn your body enough and learn what makes you work.  This is an advanced tactic, but it is single handedly the reason I was able to build my bench press up to 365lbs, with a 7-foot wingspan.
10×10
The last type of workout I will shortly comment on is the German Volume Training or 10×10 method.  I have written about this before so I won’t go in to too much detail, but it is another amazing high volume training workout.  I did not use this too much while building my bench press, but it can absolutely shock your muscles if you ever feel like you are plateauing or slowing down in your progress
How to Use Face Pulls to Help Improve Your Bench Press Numbers!
Early on in my training I made this mistake, so I won’t let you!  Strengthen your rear delts, and it does not take too much more than a consistent approach to doing face pulls.  They are truly a miracle exercise for people who bench press a lot.
One of my biggest limiting factors early in my lifting career was imbalances in my body, generally caused by a poor understanding of the body.  As I got older, I became wiser.  Start every upper body day off with face pulls as a warm-up and you will feel the difference quickly, I promise!
Face pulls will improve the health of your shoulders, as well as their ability to move weight!
A healthy diet of face pulls, and the dumbbell floor press is an excellent way to keep your shoulders health year round!
Take this from someone who has beaten shoulders from years of basketball but can still can easily bench over 315lbs with almost no bench press training any more, face pulls will save your shoulders!
Stretching is Vital to Improve Your Barbell Bench Press
I never understood the importance of this until I got in to probably my sophomore year of college, but stretching will absolutely increase your overall ability to push heavy weights.
Check out these shoulder stretching variations for helpful stretches which will enable you to move more weight than you could ever expect!
Concluding Thoughts – How to Bench Press More Weight Fast!
I am here to tell you today that if you want to bench press 3 plats, 4 plates, 5 plates, whatever it is, YOU CAN!
Personally, I believe in higher volume training than most people.  Not just high volume and light weights.  But high volume of heavy weights.  I used to have days where I would bench press twice per day at different times, and still make strength gains.  Strength does not come from rest days; it just does not!
Neither does muscle mass; it just does not!
My body is not made for bench pressing, but I was able to bench press 365lbs due to the fact that I was motivated to improve my bench press, and that I understood the value of different forms of training.
Along with this, I am also here to tell you that building your bench press can be very effective for burning fat off of your body!
10×10, 8×8, and 10×3 are all amazing strategies for burning fat, whether it is by using the bench press or basically along with any other movement.  Use these tips and go build your best body, today!
The post Barbell Bench Press Benefits and Training Methods appeared first on Adam Kemp Fitness.
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When it pertains to spirituality and our individual relationships, typical styles will emerge. Whether we are talking about a marriage, a work relationship, or the relationship between a stranger and ourselves, the themes of approval, the illusion of control, respect, and "it takes 2" will emerge over and over again.
February Is Heart Problem Awareness Month
The 2nd her comment is here, again I had no pain. It simply felt like someone was standing on my chest. Except for some extremely fleeting minutes, I never ever really had much discomfort. There was not the discomfort adding my arm, no jaw pain, none of the signs you usually find out about. At one point I remember stating that my teeth hurt, however even that did not last for long.
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What Is High Blood Pressure?
When you will have another attack, don't keep preparing yourself for the time. The tension of waiting on another attack can actually bring one on. Start living without the fear of an impending attack. You can discover how to stop panic attacks. Get back to a more significant life where every location can be a 'safe zone'.
It's not that only corruption has affected me, this is how corruption has actually affected the entire societies and the entire countries. Today corruption rules the world instead of democracy.
Exactly What You Need To Understand About The Cause Of Panic Attack
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Hypertension Remedy - Making Choices To Change Your Life
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