#this isn't something i want to deal with while also struggling with suicidal thoughts | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

morgana-ren · 4 months

Note

This ask is about suicidal thoughts and the Bastard Four, so please ignore if needed. You mentioned this briefly with the Corvus pain ask, but how do they react if you are thinking or even trying to hurt or kill yourself? I have to imagine it happens. I know I would definitely go to some dark places in that kind of situation.

This is going to be one of those asks that if you're triggered at the mention of something, you're going to want to keep away entirely.

My triggers are not everyone else's and what I find lighthearted and 'normal' is usually very dark and disturbing for others and this, while hopeful and a good thing to me, could put someone already in a bad place into somewhere worse or do some serious damage. I cannot account for everyone, so really, if you're sensitive or just going through it, go ahead and forgo this one.

It is also long because it's just a complex topic.

I am speaking to my personal experience with mental health struggles and so this might not exactly align with your experiences, but mine are the only ones I have, and they stem from both mental illness and trauma and like, whatever else is spitting around up there.

Alright, so this is where things get purely speculative on my part (for Corvus especially) for a number of reasons. Keep in mind, I'm autistic and also have a litany of other issues and sometimes I genuinely have a problem not bringing it into other places. Corvus and these aus are not my characters alone; I only helped develop Corvus a little after the fact and love him very much and the others were made with help.

But sometimes when I speak to people, I do not realize what I have said is entirely inappropriate and bad and is not something you say to someone or put off on someone else, and I have moments where I realize I have gone really dark with things and this is not a conversation people want to have with me. It is not their responsibility to heal or soothe me through their characters or their effort, even if I don't mean it that way and I'm just curious about how they'd respond. I have to really remind myself "Hey, this isn't okay to say to someone and it's not fair to put this off on them" or "You cannot expect this person to play therapist through a character you love just because you love them."

There's things that I want to hear, obviously, because we all have ways we want people to care for and love us, but in order to get them, I'd really have to make things dark mentally and that's just not something most people want when they're talking about these types of things. It's stressful to them rather than cathartic. I already have massive issues with being myself because I am just so fucking strange and I don't like to do things I even remotely think are inappropriate, because if it's occurring to me, it surely is fucked up to someone else, you feel? My issues are my issues and making them open and known to the degree that it would take to truly approach this could really hurt/offend/scare/whatever someone who I value greatly, and that's not a risk I am willing to take.

It can be a comfort and so you reach for it. But it's not fair to put that massive weight on someone else's shoulders, and in order to get a true answer to that question, I'd have to drag someone I care about very deeply into my mental maelstrom and I need to remind myself that's not okay, even inadvertently. Even if it's hypothetical and not that big of a deal to me because they're my emotions. Me saying something offhandedly has been deeply worrying to others more times than I can count, and I need to pull back and remind myself that the way I deal with and cope about things can make people deeply uncomfortable. I can cope through fantasy, but expecting someone to build that fantasy for me is tiresome and miserable and can ruin a friendship.

So, when I answer this question, I am doing it with compounded knowledge that I have over all of the aus, things that seem like would be in character, and things that I need to tell myself because my paracosm demands it.

First thing's first: Corvus is a mind reader, and his section is the longest because I have the most in-depth examples of how he cares for things. He's been around the longest. It's more his wheelhouse and generally more of his purview. He is very attuned to people's thoughts and feelings, if for all the wrong reasons.

He got as far as he has by being very good at reading people and understanding the psychology of humans and learning to pluck the heartstrings. He doesn't usually snatch people on a whim. That's just not how he operates. There is absolutely a level of research and stalking that goes into it because he isn't going to grab someone he finds utterly insufferable. He doesn't like to kill people he sleeps with (finds it distasteful) so he'd rather not put himself in that situation. If he takes you, he knows, and he likes you, and is dedicated to it.

If he's watching you, trust me, he's going to be aware of your issues. He can hear your thoughts. He can feel your emotions. He is perfectly aware of what you're feeling when you're feeling it, even if you are not. He knows what the potential situations are here. If he takes you, he has decided that is a task he is willing to take on. He isn't going to grab you and then abandon you because 'it's too much' because then he wouldn't have taken you in the first place. It's almost impossible to find anyone that doesn't have years of shit to unpack anyways.

Having someone very mentally ill or very unwell isn't a reason he's going to turn away, it seems. Really, name one fully healthy person. When he is interested, he is interested, and he is aware of the 'downsides' and does not care. He may well approach things differently, but it's not a thing that he needs to deeply consider because it's 'too much.' He just goes 'noted' and then keeps it in mind and continues.

Corvus is usually the one doing the scouting. That or he is the one that the others turn to for confirmation because he is the pickiest and tends to know things about people at large that the others don't or don't care to know. He is the one that gets off the most on psychological manipulation. He is the one that would sense something was wrong first.

Having someone who 'isn't well' isn't something they turn from. But keep in mind, these are not good men. These are not heroes who do the right thing. These are not men you should aspire to love. These are villains and bastards and while they are attractive and deeply interesting, you should not use them to frame your behavior or thoughts or look to them for how a relationship should be. They will not always deal appropriately. They are stupid and selfish and rude and just horrible people. They're going to be fumbling about and guessing. They might tend up causing more damage and doing more harm than good sometimes.

In the beginning, it's different than it is at the end.

Corvus is going to know if you're having thoughts. He is going to make very sure that you know that it isn't an option. Your body isn't yours anymore. Your life isn't yours to take. When I say it isn't an option, I really mean it isn't. He could just resurrect you and he is not going to be happy. There literally is no escape. It sounds callous, but he is, especially in the beginning if he doesn't love you yet (sometimes he's already in love when he takes you, but other times it grows over time.)

He's going to have to walk a fine line, because his brand of bullshit is hard on people who are healthy mentally and have good healthy coping mechanisms. He doesn't want you that kind of broken. That's not what he's after. He's going to have to keep you held together while still satisfying himself and degrading and hurting you. It probably turns into manipulation extreme and can be a challenge, even for him.

Subtly and quietly building you up but still damaging you in different ways. He loves being the savior, but he also loves being the terror. He'd have to find a balance. Again with the masterful way he maneuvers things. He will pry out of you what it is you 'have' or what is wrong with you, and pretend not to care, but he'll be doing research on it later. A lot of it. He's going to find a way to make you better. Again, that kind of broken is not what he is looking for. He is going to seem callous and utterly dismissive but trust me, his brilliant little mind is going a million miles an hour.

He's not really looking to terrify you with trauma. He wants you afraid of him. Of what he can do. He wants to be your nightmare, not whatever else is skulking in your brain. That means trauma has to go bye-bye. There can only be one nightmare in your brain and it's not whatever haunts you. It's him.

He will get his hands on medications you need. He will do work to keep you stable and help get your mind on the up and up. He won't let you see a therapist for obvious reasons, but you'd be surprised by the sheer things he can accomplish. He is a cleric, and people are his dominion. He is capable of healing and hurting. On top of it, he knows what it is to hurt. He too is traumatized. You might actually get better help and healthcare from him than the average American citizen does from insurance and doctors. You can actually tell him what it is you're feeling in this regard, and he will actually try. Quietly, of course, but he will. A selfish sort of help initially, but he grows.

Constant checking in on you. Keeping around compulsively. Trying to keep you engaged and stimulated with things to do or books or whatever else have you. Hovering even if you don't know he is. Making sure even when he's tormenting you that you know he is watching. Making sure you take your medication. Keeping things out of your reach if he is worried. He has a tendency to treat you like a child in that way. He will abuse magic to do it. Cameras in the house. Keeping a constant eye on you. Watching meticulously to the point it is unnerving. He needs as much data as he can get to 'fix' this. You are his. You do not get to break yourself.

He's going to know. He always knows. Just know that. You're going to literally be physically incapable of acting on your urges and it is miserable. But he will catch on that just doing that isn't enough, and he needs to take an active role in your mind and healing.

It's one of those things. Sometimes you'll tell him to just get it over with. Just kill you. Just fucking get it over with. He'll look at you and just sigh with a cigarette in his hand and go "I think you have heavily misunderstood your purpose here. If I wanted you dead, you would be, girl. Never forget that. Your life is mine, and you are mine to do with as I please." You are his property. His. He doesn't break his own toys. You belong to him. You don't get to do that.

That's what you get from him. What he is actually thinking is difficult to know.

What I'm saying is in the beginning, he will never be vulnerable in the way that he will tell you he values you, but he will make sure you know that's not going to happen and to come to peace with it. Better to focus on healing because you will not get your way.

If you've got abandonment issues, and you just shut down and wait for him to get bored and tire of you, he's going to know that as well. He'll grab your face and just "You really think it's going to be that easy, hmm? You think me so fickle? So foolish?" He's going to turn it around on you and act like you've insulted him.

What I'm getting at is he doesn't handle it in the healthiest way. Confidence issues for example? Feeling horrible and just waiting for him to walk away because even someone who took you against your will can't stand you for long? Feeling useless and wretched? Just breaking down in that way? He's just going to tell you flat up that you need to work on that. He's not going to have a deep, intricate talk with you, but he'll just say it offhandedly. It's not changing his mind. He isn't going anywhere. You'll get over it. You will learn. Sometimes he doesn't understand the sheer gravity of the emotions you feel or how bad they are and of course you don't want to tell him.

He took you. Him. That means you're worthy. He doesn't take people who aren't worth his attention. You need to understand that. You're a foolish little thing and perhaps you haven't grasped the reality of your situation. He doesn't waste time. You are his his his-- and that should be your proof. He's very up his own ass so rather than focusing on you, he focuses on you through his own eyes.

Severe depression? You are getting out of bed if he has to drag you out. You are keeping busy. You are cooking and cleaning and being productive. You are reading and writing if he has to make you. He will make you. You will be eating if he has to shove it down your throat. You will be keeping active. The best cure is to force yourself out of it. He has been depressed. He has been cared for. He will try, but by fuck, you will hate it and hate him for it because he is that voice in your brain that nags and nags and forces you to do things you don't want to do. You will kick and scream and bite and more often than not have bruises to show for it. You will be getting out of bed. You will not win this fight with him.

If you are genuinely, genuinely unhappy with something later on (when he has very deep feelings for you) he is primed to be more open and honest. He will show a bit more vulnerability. He will be willing to make changes for you within reason. He will want you to know he loves you and he cares. He is still him, but he needs you to understand how he feels. That he wants to help. That he will listen to you and needs you to know how important it is to him even as it seems like he doesn't care. When he loves you, your happiness is important outside of the bedroom. You're his wife. He loves you so deeply it's terrifying. He is so bad with showing it and saying it, but there's something desperate about it. Sometimes feral. He will try to show it because saying it just doesn't do it. And even him showing it is subtle and self-serving. He's just bad at shit.

Because of this, when he comes to love you, this is something that is deeply important to him. He has lost so many people, he cannot lose another, especially like that. He would feel responsible and while he doesn't care about most death, he cares about you. He is going to do whatever it fucking takes to keep you here (literally, see resurrection) and if it becomes a problem, he is going to slow the fuck down, act responsible, and do what it takes to try and actually help you-- you know, in the way Corvus helps. The more he comes to know and care for you, the more it hurts him. You suffering like that isn't something he can abide, especially when it comes to suicidal ideation. He wants you to want to be here with him. He wants to be enough. He realizes that, realistically, it doesn't work like that, but he is going to make it.

Taking someone who suffers in that way puts him in a strange position. One of his priorities is to soothe it. It's a variable he accounts for. He's not a good guy. He's not going to do the healthy thing. But it's not really something he is going to leverage over you and torment you with. Again, that kind of broken, that kind of pain isn't something he wants from you. He needs you healed and better mentally so your body is primed for scars in other ways. He will take away your every option but getting better. He is tough love. He is always there. He is breaking into your mind. You have no privacy. You will be better. For yourself and for him.

He is the tough and firm.

Reaver.... is strange.

Reaver doesn't know dick or fuck all about psychology really, and he doesn't care to. He is what matters. He's been selfish for hundreds of years and he didn't really plan on stopping.

But he understands suffering. He understands pain. He understands trauma nightmares and drowning your sorrows in the bottom of a bottle. He understands wanting to end it and having to find alternate ways of coping. He understands hiding it. He understands feeling so deeply and loathing it. He understands masking your pain. He understands the horrors.

Reaver is going to encourage hedonism like a bandaid. He's going to get you very drunk (bad idea) and try to make you see the value of living a libertine life with him. Life is pain so live it drunk and live it through pleasure. This is his way of connecting. This is his medicine. He's going to throw money around. He's going to shoot things and people because it makes him feel better. He will tell you sex always makes him feel better so you should try it.

When it comes to early on, he's basically just going to be relying on Corvus and Ilya to do most of the heavy lifting. They understand better, and they know people better. Reaver is just going to drown his insecurities over it in bloodwine and back off. He refers to it as 'silly human emotion' and belittles it and pretends he doesn't know what it's like despite the fact he's human and absolutely feels it even as he pretends he doesn't.

Later on, he's going to use the only tools he has and do the only thing he knows how to do. Money, money everywhere. Expensive therapists. Doctors. Medicine. Trying to buy your happiness. He's been so far gone for so long that trying to actually consider mental health sends him into a dark place in his own mind and he can't have that. Even if he knows exactly what you're going through, he's going to pretend he doesn't for his own sanity.

All of the boys have lost a lot. Death is something that scarred them deeply that now they wield as a weapon. Reaver has lost everyone he loved. He might as well have murdered one, and the other let herself die because she wouldn't live a life with him. He will make it very clear, in no uncertain terms, that there is absolutely no chance you're escaping. You will not get away like they did. That is not your choice to make. He will get scary. Very scary. And then he will pick you up and just... lie with you. Clinging.

He does not know how to express himself. He really doesn't. Even when he absolutely loves and adores you, he just isn't very in touch with himself. He cannot touch on that without awakening something horribly twisted inside of himself that he physically cannot deal with.

He, in a way, has always been suicidal in a hugely ironic twist. He is immortal. He cannot die at anyone's hands, even his own, and I believe he has tried. It was a Faustian bargain. He got what he wanted, but the price made it worthless. Eventually he turned to reckless existence and figured that if he died, he died. He never did. He finds pleasure where he can, but his circumstances are so different from yours that he just genuinely cannot relate anymore. It's the same seed, but it blossomed into something entirely different.

Reaver is more primal and almost stupid about it. He'll throw you into the cage. He'll bind your arms. He'll knock you out. He freaks out and doesn't understand. If he wanted you dead, he'd shoot you. Why is that so hard to understand? So many people would kill to be with him, and you get to. Why are you being obstinate? Are you trying to impress him? If you're trying to ward him off, it's not working. Don't be foolish.

Reaver is arguably the worst at it, I'd say. Not because he means to be, but for his own protection. That shell around his mind is what keeps him sane. You are an all too real reminder that he is human and what you're feeling is something he is familiar with.

He will try. His way of showing love and affection is questionable. Sometimes he'll take you somewhere strange because he likes gaudy, rich places and it'll just be a field in the country or some shit. He'll stare quietly at the sky and his trademark smirk is gone. He will just exist with you and let you talk uninterrupted. Maybe making you feel heard will help. You'll never figure out the significance of the place, but rest assured it is to him.

He will just lie with you. Buy you expensive gifts to show he cares and that he is listening. He genuinely believes he can buy your happiness because he bought his 'own'-- and how well that's worked. He will have drunken nights with you where he will sit and sip his brandy and listen to you wail on and keep his stupid comments to himself as much as he can. He will still give you his rude opinion, but there's something.. softer about it.

He will tell you life is a gift, and you will roll your eyes. Same shit you've always heard. And he won't elaborate but he will tell you he knows. Quietly. And he will never bring it up again. One very serious moment of "I know." and he immediately switches the subject. Asks if you're eating enough. If your medicine is working. He can shoot the doctor, if he is stiffing you--

He is incapable of being serious for any length of time because he has to mask his own pain. He has to. It will literally drive him mad if he dwells. But he understands you better than he lets on.

Reaver is the selfish hedonism.

Astarion is probably the one that will put aside his own personal desires most effectively. He will see something is wrong, and while he isn't in tune with emotions and sickness as Corvus is, he will know that look. That phrase. That behavior. He has lived a life that was not his own, had his body taken, and he knows what it looks like to pray for death. He knows what it looks like. He has lived it.

He is the most likely to approach it from a genuine perspective. He will try to make it seem like a normal night, but he'll grab two glasses of wine and sit with you. Talk about books. He will make off-color jokes to keep you off his trail, but really what he's doing is checking in. He is making sure you are okay. He is getting to know you on an earnest level and showing he cares, in a way.

Keep in mind, Astarion is the most mentally healthy as it stands, but he knows very much what it is to suffer. It's a memory that absolutely sticks with him. He knows exactly what it is. Your situation is all too familiar. He knows you aren't well not because he knows what it is in a clinical sense, but because he recognizes it.

He isn't versed in mental illness much at all. He has no book or clinical knowledge. He cannot prescribe you medicine or give you doctorly advice. But he will listen. He will just listen to you rant. To your feelings. He will bite you and get you very comfortable so that you will talk against your own will. He thinks the benefit is worth the cost. He has 'venom' that can make you more pliable. He will abuse it.

You can be angry at him for making you vulnerable, but he thinks it's important because closing yourself off isn't helping. He isn't just trying to take advantage of you. He is actually trying to help in his twisted way.

He will work in tandem with Corvus and Ilya as the 'less clinical' of the triumvirate. The more genuine-seeming. You will feel more comfortable being truthful and telling him things you won't tell Corvus or Ilya, but he will tell them because they are the closest to a doctor and they are the ones that can actually help in a 'medical' sense-- as much as they can. If things are getting bad or there are symptoms he doesn't recognize, it is important to figure it out.

He is the most likely to be genuine and open. He will tell you he understands and he means it. He has no reason to lie. He isn't that kind of sadist necessarily. It's more he has modes, and he is perfectly capable of flipping it off when it's important, even if he is still himself and still says off color things. He is the most open from the get-go whether or not he loves you yet because he has been in this situation. He knows exactly what it's like. It's not about love, it's about your body and your control. There is a line to be walked and while he isn't exactly healthy or not perpetuating the cycle of abuse, it isn't quite like ascending him the other way. He still has empathy. He still has feelings.

He is the one that will approach the other three and tell them that they need to back the fuck off because there are times he feels like you're more open with him than they are just because of how he approaches things. That something is wrong. That as fun as it is, there is something wrong. That some things are more important, and that if they actually care about you, they need to tone it the fuck down for a bit and focus on your wellness and if they don't care about you, they need to back the fuck off for good and let him do what he can to help you because this is taking a toll and he won't stand for it. He will not become Cazador-- even as they literally are doing the same shit.

There are 'cravings' he understands. The desire to see your own blood. For control in any way you can steal it. He's not going to let you fool him into being a tool for your own self-hatred, which for him, is huge because he has to learn the difference between brat taming and learning when he is being deliberately goaded for pain's sake. If you're trying to punish yourself, he's going to learn what you're doing. If you're trying to drive him into a frenzy so he will drain you dry, he will learn.

He will level with you. Hurting yourself isn't an option. Taking your own life isn't an option. None of them want that kind of pain from you, and your situation is severe enough that it's easy to be overwhelmed with both kinds of pain happening. Make your life easier. Work with them. That it is in your best interest to accept the help they give you. He understands how angry you are. How you feel. What it is you're feeling and how intense it is. But it can get better. And then he will laugh because the situation is darkly hilarious. But it can. You might as well utilize the tools they are willing to give you. They can help if you'll let them.

None of them will judge you for your mental health, but Astarion remembers. He is the one that has faced it and come out the other side. He is the success story.

He is the 'comfort' where Corvus is the 'clinical' and Reaver is the 'bad urges'.

Astarion is the earnest and genuine.

Ilya knows, and Ilya is my character. He is built off of my own thoughts, illnesses, insecurities, and pieces of myself. I can speak more to him than the other three because I don't have to discuss it with a secondary party. I just know him. Similar to Corvus in medical knowledge, albeit not formal. He will be able to see the signs. He is very, very good at reading people because it is how he survived. He had to maneuver his own mind as well. He knows something is off from the start and will be one of the first to see it without intense scrutiny. He will try to get a jump on it because you're about to be in a very stressful situation and he also just finds minds fascinating.

He will be a mix of cool and clinical. He will approach it from an organized perspective. He will ask you how you are feeling, what your levels are, 'on a scale' questions, and what your urges are. He will prod you for hours if need be. Full attention on you. He will take notes like a fuckin' psychologist for 'later study' (his version of your medical record.) He will seem very detached from it in an emotional sense and it will be a very strange opposite to his sexual self. His entire focus is on you, your health, and nothing else. No interruptions. No awkwardness. No feeling like he doesn't care or isn't listening or is freaking him out. Just genuine interest. None of that awkward shit where you have to apologize to someone who you chose to trust because your story is making them emotional. He's very good at distancing.

It's best to be honest. He knows when you lie. He will ask you outright why you are lying, if you are uncomfortable, and what you hope to accomplish by being dishonest to him. If you've ever been institutionalized, you know what I mean. There are some things he will be insistent about but pushing someone isn't always what's best and he knows that.

When you have an outburst and begin yelling and getting upset (and you will) he will watch patiently and ask you if it makes you feel better to lash out. If you need to scream more. If you'd like a moment alone. He doesn't mean to be condescending, but his very nature always makes him seem like he is. You can be trying to hit him and it's just laughable how he blinks and asks you 'Is this helping? Do you feel better?' Maddening, even.

He is the one that is going to treat it the most like a doctor because that's how he approaches these things. That's how he looks at himself and the world around him: surgically and clinically. It's how he learned to live. Suggesting alternate coping methods, healthy outlets, and different perspectives. He is going to want you to want to talk to him about it, and is willing to patiently earn that trust. It's almost funny when you consider it the rest of the time. It's like inside his weird little office, he is a different person. No really inappropriate jokes unless you're the kind of person where it eases your distress. No selfishness and making it about him. Just him being Dr. Ilya. Genuinely interested. Genuinely wanting to help if for no other reason than "he finds it fascinating."

It stems, like most things, from his mother. She was ill. Very ill. He remembers. He knows what she went through. How she struggled. She held on to the end but that was out of sheer stubbornness. He inherited quite a bit of it, but he's lived so long it's all a jumbled mess now. He takes control where he can get it. He gets it, in a weird way, but doesn't recognize it on a cognizant level. He just knows it feels familiar and he doesn't like that you feel it, and thus, he will find a way to cure it or quiet it. He's been gone for so long that it just doesn't register as illness. It warped into something darker.

He keeps an eye on you just as much as Corvus does, but he's more likely to give you space (and by give you space I mean you won't notice him watching where as Corvus doesn't necessarily care if you know.) He is more manipulative in a way, but it's a completely separate way. He wants you to feel mentally well even if he is breaking your boundaries when you don't know.

He will bind you, if he feels it is necessary for your safety. He will tranq or sedate you to keep you calm if he senses things are going awry, and gently lie you down and just... sit with you. He will tell you to let it out and when you're ready, you can talk about it. If you're like me and you're stubborn and won't cry or speak at length usually, he will accept it but joking promise to keep Corvus at bay if you happen to and swear he doesn't have the same reaction to vulnerability. He will give you a place for tantrums. He won't ever make you speak, but he will absolutely manipulate you if he thinks it's in your best interest and ultimately for the better. His morals are twisted. He will abuse the trust if he thinks it will actually be better for you in the long run. He isn't a doctor, and he never signed an oath. He's just clever and has been around for ages and learned things.

He will know when it is too much to touch you. When you want to have space. When you don't want to talk. He knows what cracking looks like and he is quite good at mitigaing it, and when he speaks, the others will listen because it's very rare that he ever takes anything seriously. He will be one of the ones to come up with a plan to get everyone what they want.

Keep in mind, this does not make them good or nice. The entire situation is deplorable but what I am saying is that they can have moments of clarity where they will back the fuck off.

He will be gentle but firm. He will tell you that what you want isn't an option. He wants to break into the issues you have and rip them down to the root. He understands abandonment trauma and suicidal ideation because he has felt it but when you eventually pick up that he is speaking from experience, he is going to look at you and say "If it helps you to believe that." and you almost will believe he doesn't know. He does. He will never talk about his own issues. Not now.

The closer you get, the more intimate things will become. The 'sessions' are entirely separate from his desires, but if you're comfortable, or you just need someone to hold you, or whatever, he would love that. Just hold you and ask the questions a bit more intimately. Maybe you just need your hair stroked because you're touch starved. Maybe you have scars you need to moisturize and he can help. Maybe you just need to bitch that his brother is a complete fuck for a moment. You can sit together, or lie down together, or whaever makes you happy. Over time, it gets less clinical and more like a lover taking an interest in their beloved. He tells you he is trying to help. It's strangely the most honest you will see him until later because it touches on something he personally understands.

It's very strange because he is absolutely a bastard, but it's like this switch flips in his brain when things are serious or he sees certain patterns or recognizes behaviors. He shoves it down and immediately goes into serious mode. Cracking mental state is not to be fucked with and he knows. He and Corvus deliberate things together on how best to work this together since they technically have the tools best to maneuver the situation. They've been around for a long time.

He is very good at seeing the signs, and in some cases (this might be because he is mine) he is the best one for saying exactly what you need to hear... albeit in an unnerving way.

Abandonment issues that cause some serious problems? He knows. He has them. He sniffs that shit out fast. He will outright tell you what he would want to hear. "You are mine. I have already chosen and I will not do so again. All things I do are deliberate. I have chosen you. Do you understand? Pretty, broken thing, I have chosen you as you are, not as what you could be or what I thought you might be. You do not scare me, though it humors me that you try. You are mine. All of you. Even the parts of you that are jagged and vicious and bleed everyone who gets close. You will understand. You will come to. You are mine, and that means I lay claim to all parts of you."

When it comes to suicide, he gets a bit weirder. Sadder almost. More of a "There is no reprieve on the other side. There is nothing you do not feel now; no cure that rests just beyond the veil. It is best to face the now and the devil you know, because there is a devil you don't and he is crueler and sharper and slices deeper. We have seen death. We have caused it. We are as intimate as lovers, he and I. There is nothing in his cold grip that will calm you. No softness or kindness to his unrelenting grip that might soothe you. Death is easy and it is fast and swoops as a vulture and there is no peace in your carrion being picked apart. It is natural to long for it, to feel some piece of you can only be at rest once you embrace it, but I can tell you I have seen the other side and the River Styx is not a gentle current, but a maelstrom, and when the water claims you, there is no more death to pray for. Live now, and understand the warmth. The pain. All things. Life is fleeting and death comes quickly enough. Do not go knocking on his door. There is no rest awaiting in his home."

And you won't know what the fuck he's even talking about. Like his weird ramblings don't help. But he knows. He died. In a way, if you look closely, he is opening up to you inadvertently. He pulled a reckless suicide in a way and he's been paying for it ever since. He thought it would ease his pain. It didn't. It has to do with his backstory. He's been there. He got what he wanted. It didn't ease his pain. It won't ease yours.

He will try. It's very strange, honestly, to see him go from the horny terror to this but people are complex, man. He's lived a long time-- or been dead a long time, more accurately. He understands suffering. His brothers understand. They just all have different ways of processing.

He is the only one I can say for certain would recognize very specifically what you're going through. He can pull back. He won't just stop being himself, but he is capable of averting crisis. He will give advice to the others based upon what he knows and his notes. Together they can and will make an effort to get you better because you are who they chose, and that means all of you.

Ilya is the clinical but caring.

They are all pieces of ways people deal with things. Four parts of a whole.

Deep down, most of my kinks and these silly little aus and my love of these men all stem from the same thing. Deep seated issues that result in a desire to be loved unconditionally. To be wanted to badly despite my faults that someone can see the absolute worst parts of me and still be adamant and forceful that I am theirs. To be weak before something for once, and taken care of and even infantilized because my life has been the complete opposite and I've always been alone. To be wanted so desperately and so irrationally that it borders on a form of madness. Something deeply rooted with claws that sink and grab and do not let go. To be chosen by someone (someones) and committed to, no matter how bad I get. How I act out. How I operate that would scare the shit out of a normal person. No matter what I say or do that would drive off every other person.

The men have their own issues. But in my aus, they have chosen you, and that means they do not let go. They do not back off. They do not relent. They are not normal men. You aren't going anywhere, and that includes anywhere you try to take yourself. They try, albeit sometimes poorly, but they try. They all have their own issues and their manners of dealing with things reflect that. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I have control because that nasty little voice in my head tells me shit.

They aren't health experts. They aren't people you should deliberately look to for help. They are bad men and you should never forget that. They aren't wholesome, healthy, idealistic ideas of love. They are toxic and abusive and bad. And I'm sure there's something to be said psychologically about that being who I immediately turn to.

But sometimes, it might help to see yourself falling apart and you hear their voice in your head. You see them on the edge of your bed. They look at you with fucked up but unconditional love. They tell you to get up. Or they tell you it's okay. Sometimes they are just there with you. They see you at your worst and they are still there, the ghosts in your head, because when the mind is lonely, it creates things where it cannot find them.

Sometimes it gets weird and they get very turned on at seeing the entire thing. Maybe that's what you need. To feel desirable in your calamity and mental tempest. Whatever it takes to make you feel better. It's weird. I never claimed it wasn't. But we all have coping methods. My dreamworld is mine.

Hopefully this all makes sense and explains why there's no real canonical way they deal with it. It hasn't really been touched on beyond once or twice when I couldn't pull back for some reason. I have vent stories but those are just self indulgent (or terrorizing, as it were) garbage. I do not think everyone copes like I do and I do not think that other people necessarily enjoy talking or speculating about this sort of thing. I think it drags them down and makes them sad and hurts their mental state and I'd rather swallow it than drag someone else down. It isn't their problem. Having confirmation is great but not at the cost. It's just an uncomfortable subject for most folks and it's very heavy.

I realize I (again) went off the rails here but it's a touchy subject and one that I know a lot of my follower struggle with. It's something you really have to be careful about, you know? But if this isn't what you meant, let me know and I'll happily switch it up for you.

#morgana and friends #tw suicide #tw mental illness and instability #just yeah don't fuck with it if you're not looking for COMFORT in this shit #Ilya the bastard #the bastard three (four)#in a rare serious moment #And even then this is only kinda touching on it #it really really depends per situation to be honest

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12timetraveler · 1 year

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I'll Go Tonight, Boys

Summary:

Hosea loved Bessie more than life itself. He spends the first year after her death drunk to numb the pain. On the anniversary of her passing, he tries something drastic.

Inspiration song: Jamie by Zach Bryan Ft Charles Wesley Goodwin

Notes:

CW: Grief, Loss, suicidal thoughts and attempts, alcoholism, vomit.

This is a deep one y'all. Please check in with yourself and make sure you're okay before reading.

Also please note I am not a professional in psychology or dealing with these kinds of issues. The way problems are solved in this story may not be the best way and I'm not making recommendations on how you should respond if you're dealing with any of this. These are characters dealing with these situations using the tools they have at their disposal for their time/lifestyle (which isn't a lot). If you are struggling with any of the issues mentioned in this story, please take care of yourself and seek professional help.

I love all of you. Be safe.

Below is a preview. Read the entire story on AO3

'Cause this life ain't worth livin'

If the love that you've been given

is taken before you are

I'll go tonight boys,

I don't mean no harm

I just miss my lovin' lady

and layin' in her arms

~~~~~~~~~

"Arthur," Dutch called out, grabbing the young man's arm as he passed. Arthur paused, seeing the worried crease to Dutch's brow. "Arthur, will you ride into town with me?"

"Sure," Arthur drawled. "Why?"

"Hosea," Dutch sighed. Arthur groaned.

"I thought you were watching him, keeping him in camp?"

"I was," Dutch huffed. "But I stepped away for five minutes to relieve myself. When I came back he and Silver Dollar were gone,"

"I'm sure he's fine," Arthur sighed. "Just at the saloon. He'll stumble back in a few hours, drunk off his feet but fine." In truth Arthur was getting a little tired of worrying about Hosea. The man had practically raised him through his later teenage years. It was... Uncomfortable trying to take care of him now. He was a difficult drunk. And while Hosea would never raise a fist to Arthur, even out of his mind with drink, it still brought up some awful memories of Lyle Morgan.

They'd been doing their best to keep Hosea in camp, keep an eye on him, and try to limit him to a bottle or two a day. Arthur had handed John all the booze left in camp and told the teen to hide it somewhere Hosea would never think of.

But if Hosea slipped away for a day and went into town, well they'd just have to work harder tomorrow to get him sober.

Even if they had to bail him out of the jailhouse, they'd do that just fine. The local sheriff was a reasonable man. He knew Hosea well enough. They'd stayed in the area this past year, not wanting to drag Hosea too far away from his beloved's final resting place. Many mornings Arthur found himself on Sheriff Jorgenson's porch, hat in hand, promising he'd do better to keep his friend in check.

The others in the gang had already given up. Susan just flat-out avoided Hosea. Her screeching at him and scolding him had only resulted in some harsh words. Only Dutch, Arthur and John still held out hope that they could save Hosea from his self-destructive path.

"Arthur," Dutch said darkly, "Don't you know what day it is?"

Arthur paused, doing a quick calculation in his head. If last Sunday was... And that was how many days ago...? Then today was...

"Shit," Arthur grumbled. "Is that today?"

"It is," Dutch said grimly. "One year since he lost her,"

"We gotta find him before his temper gets him killed," Arthur said, turning and striding toward his horse. Dutch fell in alongside Arthur.

"Or his melancholy,"

#hosea mathews #rdr2 fanfic #drabble #cw grief

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my-excellent-bicycle · 1 year

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So I finished reading Mark Watson's latest novel, Contacts, which is the second book of his I've read, following Eleven (which I now consider to be one of my favorite novels). I've decided to write down a few thoughts on the novel, light spoilers and very, very long ramblings ahead:

TW: suicide, depression

You could tell Mark drew from personal experience while writing this. If you follow his standup and interviews he's done over the years, you could draw parallels between himself and the book's main character, James. Both have family in Bristol, they both have a sister living somewhere down under (James' sister lives in Australia, while I'm 90% sure Mark's sister lives in New Zealand), and both experienced the dissolution of a years-long relationship. It's not immediately clear where Mark's own experiences and that of James, a character plotting his own suicide, necessarily begin and end, but the latter's characterization felt incredibly real and lived-in.

Overall I really enjoyed how Mark handled mental health and depression in this book. The sadness and hopelessness that comes with depression is talked about lots in media, and it pops up plenty in Contacts as well, but what's also discussed is the shame that comes with it: not even wanting to think the word "suicide," or feeling a certain way while also skirting around the language associated with it. James has these internal struggles at some points throughout the novel, and while it isn't something central to the plot itself, it added an extra layer of humanity to his character.

Circling back to my previous point, I came across an interview he did in promotion of the book, published by the Mirror (I wish I found a better source, sorry), where he said,

"There were stretches of life in which it felt as if it would just be good to be able to get away from it all, to turn things off."

This is fairly similar to how James' suicidal ideations were described in Contacts, in which he sought ending his life as a means of escape, or as a means of relief. I'll be absolutely clear and say I'm so glad Mark seems to be doing much better now, and that he's able to speak on this experience with clarity and in the past tense. But reading that wasn't the most pleasant revelation.

Another thing I loved about Contacts, and Eleven as well, is how Mark likes to write from the perspectives of several different characters, and weave them together to reveal overarching themes. I told my mom about Eleven when I finished reading it, and she went "oh, so it's like Crash?" I'll admit I've never seen Crash, and don't intend to based on all the think pieces telling me how it aged poorly and it was terrible Oscar bait, but I have heard that it deals with the same premise of how everyone's lives are more interconnected than they realize. With Contacts, Mark definitely takes from the same playbook, as with each chapter and switched perspective, he slowly reveals the emotional effects each character may have had on each other, and how every action can have its averse consequences.

Mark also does this thing that I love, where he hints at some catalytic event that happened in a character's life that forced them to act a certain way, but he doesn't quite reveal what that might be until near the end, which gives the reader a much fuller understanding to the character. Several questions are immediately asked near the beginning of the book: why does James want to do this? Why does his sister resent him? How come James and his ex broke up? Why did he and his best friend have a falling out? I enjoy that Mark doesn't insult the reader's intelligence by answering all these questions near the beginning, but instead letting the reader understand where they are emotionally first, in order to further contextualize what may have led them to that point.

Now, this is one thing I did struggle with -- the ending. I'll admit I went on Goodreads before picking up the book, and saw people complaining about the ending, or just finding it weak in general. Upon finishing the book, I was absolutely floored by the resolution at the end, but whether I think it's incredible or just plain confusing is something I'm yet to fully decide on. It was definitely a bold decision, and in the oft chance I'll ever get to ask Mark about it myself (which will probably never happen but a man can dream), I'd want to know his thought process behind it. Not that I want every author to explain the endings to their books to me all the time, but I feel he'd have a very thoughtful response.

Last night after finishing the novel, I went on Google to find any interviews he'd done about the book, and came across this appearance he did on the Writer's Routine podcast from 2020. It's an extremely refreshing listen, as Mark talks at length about his writing process, how he finds inspiration to write, and even his preferences in fonts. Most of the interviews I've consumed of his understandably deal with his comedy, which is of course how he pays the bills, but it was nice to hear from Mark Watson the author, and I wish the interview was longer than its 45-minute runtime. I learned Mark is a Grizzly Bear fan, which makes him cooler than he already was, and that even if he wasn't paid to write, he'd still be doing it anyway. The interviewer pointed out how unusual that was, as many writers he'd spoken to often say how laborious writing can be, but Mark's genuine passion and continuing enjoyment of writing felt inspiring to hear, and maybe it's why I made this giant post about one of his books.

Mark was asked about any advice he'd give to aspiring writers, and in true Mark fashion, he said something to the effect of "I normally don't give advice cause, honestly, I generally don't know what I'm doing," but he urged people to just keep writing and keep things on the page, even if it's shit or not your best work, just to keep the juices flowing.

The entire interview I linked below. It's something I highly recommend, and it doesn't spoil anything about Contacts in case you wanted to pick it up. I'm looking forward to reading whatever novel of Mark's ends up in my lap next, and I'm open to recommendations.

#mark watson

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oncedied · 1 year

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im gonna have this post tagged appropriately (obviously) so filter tags if you need to, it's also not in the main tags for this reason, but I need to be a bit serious here for a second, on my own post. I'm gonna openly talk abt my mental health and some struggles, so if ur sensitive of those things mind the tags. this might not make sense because I'm very emotionally charged rn.

you probably know me as cayde. yeah that's me. I'm 18 going on 19 in may, and I've struggled with severe mental health issues on and off for as long as i can remember. severe anxiety, being a social outcast, etc etc. My home life wasn't also the prettiest. So yeah, I'm fucked up. But aren't we all in our own way? Anyways.

My fucked upness was a result of the school environment I grew up in, where I was mistreated both by teachers and peers alike. I've mostly missed the window for developing some essential social skills, on top of being neurodivergent. and it's still something I'm struggling with to this day.

on top of that and because of all the bullying i incurred i became incredibly suicidal. while the bullying has stopped as I've been out of high school for almost a year now, but the on-and-off waves of intense suicidal thoughts and ideation hasn't faded. primarily because of. well. this is something i had to deal with for the brunt of my life. so you can probably assume why i was still dealing with the aftermath.

it was also the fact i was struggling to come out to my parents, even though it's gonna be 3 years since i came out as of June. even tho i came out my parents are still struggling to adjust, which is understandable, and my mom is actively trying to shelter me from all the bad of being trans.

which, i don't blame her, one of my uncle Michael's (gay) friends (trans woman) was beaten to death on the side of the road and she has a pink triangle over where it happened. even though it was decades ago some things never change. and America is a perfect example.

I went from being suicidal for the bullying i was victim to, to suicidal because of the stuff i was experiencing for and about being trans. and in recent days it's been worse than it's ever been, all the shit that's all over my tiktok page isn't helping. I've been considering detransitioning just for my safety. it's hard, in other words.

now. destiny comes into my life sometime in august because of one of my friends. i start playing it, i get invested. the story gripped me, spoke to me deeply, etc etc. and it started helping me. destiny quickly became my safe space, I've started to get over my social ineptitude, and i find myself turning to it during these times of hardship.

and then there's certain quotes, certain elements. "You are alive, Guardian. Fight like it." Even something as small as Drifer saying, "I'm proud of you," or Shaxx and his "I SAID RELAX!" or that one line from paper fortune in d1 -- "When all is lost, you are still a Guardian, and you are still enough."

I've given myself a one-year time limit to live, because of the active genocide against trans people on top of everything else. I've got 364 days left. and after that, if I'm not too lazy, I'm gone. i just want to be around long enough to see the final shape, I'm holding onto destiny like a lifeline. maybe I'll save myself over this year. maybe not.

but then i see things like the aforementioned quote. and how someone said to me, "We already lost one Cayde. we're not losing another." and that alone is enough to make me reconsider my 364-day time limit. Folding was never an option. And i reconsider.

this game is saving my life. it's silly, it's stupid, it might be cringe, you can make fun of me and compare me to that one south park episode about world of warcraft i was exposed to against my will on the aforementioned clock app. but this game is genuinely stopping me from killing myself (which I'm surprised i didn't earlier but then again I'm so done i just cant be bothered). and that has to amount to something.

this game makes me feel bigger, stronger than my illnesses. stronger than my struggles. a broken sense of hope. and it's teaching me to lean back on others. to let people in. I'm haunted, but i can be strong. i can be better. I'm not thriving, but I'm surviving, and that's what matters.

and i wonder if the ppl behind this game know that this is the effect they're having. a severely mentally ill stunted kid is healing and growing through their game. I'm getting strength. i wont say I'm getting my strength back because i never had that strength to begin with. but I'm learning that strength.

this game is saving me.

#suicide mention tw #suicide mention #suicide tw #caydeposting

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truly-morgan · 8 months

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[Post-canon, internal struggle, suicide ideation]

Wei Wuxian | Mo Dao Zu Shi cw: suicidal ideation, mention of past suicide attempt 29-06-2021

[#weiwuxian, internal struggle, post-canon, maybe slightly ooc?] (tw: thoughts of staying dead, mention of past suic. attempt, mention of past death)

What if, somewhere after Guanyin temple (maybe a couple of years) shits settles down a bit, but of course, tension is still here. one night hunt, where an area has had many problematic spirits, both ymj and gsl disciples are here, including jl who joined to give a hand (and to meet his friend after so long).

Things are still tense between shuangjie (and don't even mention hgj), but they talk a bit through the years and can now stay in the same area (even room!) without being at each other's throats.

But at some point, an argument started (wwx should probably have kept his mouth shut when jc brought up jzx). the argument escalates to a point where wwx gets on the defensive and says things he might not think, only making jl more upset than he already was, making everything worst.

Jl in sick of hearing wwx badmouth his dad (though he /did/ see a change in recent years), and only remembering the thing he heard about wwx past relationship with his dad and what he did and years of frustration have build-up and he just blows up, he needs to get it all out.

"How can you tell he wouldn't be great today? *you* are the reason my father is *dead*, and don't even mention how my mother would think, you weren't with her when she married him, how would you know what their relationship was like? You couldn't know today either because you are also the reason she *died*, if it wasn't for you and your stupid choice both my parent would be alive. The one who should be dead is /you/, not her! You should just have stayed dead!"

after this jl is a bit out of breath, years of resentment out and after jc scolds him for his last statement.

(when he cools down he does wince at the implication of his word. in the past he might have wanted wwx dead, but today it wasn't really to that point. he was by no means close to him, but still).

but for now, jl looks back towards wwx as he's about to argue against what jc said.

but he stops in his attempt. Something seems wrong, wwx body language seems off, lwj looking carefully at his husband while lsz looks uneasy at his own words.

Something is wrong and he can't put his finger on it.

"You're right" wwx finally says, a smile that seems a bit too stiff on his lips, "I caused that didn't I? I truly have no say in this, my apologies sl jin".

and this seems even more off, even jc frowns at it because something seems wrong with his shixiong.

then wwx tries to laugh off being scolded like this by his shijie's son "Don't look like this lz, jl is right" and instead grabs his arm, trying to pull him away as he says they'll just go see in another part of the forest if they could be needed.

jl stops lzs before he could go, trying to ask what was wrong, only to see more uneasiness on his friend's face, "I don't think it would be appropriate to talk about this here" he says looking around, eyes also avoiding jc staring, "But you don't need to worry, senior wei is... alright".

jl isn't convinced, but he doesn't want to force his friend to tell him. On the other side, a queasy feeling settles in jc, because this doesn't feel right, even less if it something that shouldn't talk about anywhere that is private.

Something happened for sure.

for the rest of the night, wwx acts a bit weird, but he does settle closer to what he usually is like. yet, anytime someone crosses their path, hgj is uneasily keeping his eyes on him, scanning his every move and expression.

some even find it odd how hgj actually seems to not let wwx approach anything that could actually be dangerous. Isn't senior wei a good cultivator? Can't he deal with these rather small fries himself? why stop him from doing so?

=======

Everything goes alright until everything is over and wwx is left alone with himself and his thoughts (lwj forced to go to paperwork and wwx saying he needs some alone time).

and the spiral back into guilt and self-loathing comes back. wwx had managed to push them far to the back of his mind, but jl words had triggered it.

Why was he here? He should be dead. He was good dead and apparently, everyone was doing better when he was dead, so why was he still here? Causing problems for everyone around him?

being a reminder of what people had lost because of /him/? Being the worse shixiong ever? Reminding jl of why and how exactly his parent died? being the creator of something that was now eating at many young cultivators who were trying to follow his old path?

He should have stayed dead and everyone seemed to agree with him.

He did try to find a way to bring back mxy, in the hope his soul hadn't completely shattered. He knows how it would have affected lwj, but this time he could have given a proper goodbye to the man. he felt really lucky that he could actually be happy when the sole purpose to his revival was to /kill people/. another thing to the list, apparently he was only good to kill people...

He had been happy like he should not be allowed, he could have said goodbye to lz and given mxy a chance to have a better life, maybe lwj would have accepted his last wish of making sure mxy would be alright.

But his research was fruitless and it seemed rather impossible for him to bring back mxy (this is also probably what ticked lwj suspicion.) but if he couldn't at least give mxy a second chance, he could give everyone else what they wanted and simply die. His reason to be alive was only to serve a purpose in the first place and it had already been done years ago, so truly he had no reason to be here.

So he tried to die again, which failed by very little because lwj found him before he could succeed in that.

With that, he had disappeared from "the public eyes", kept under close watch as to not have him tried something like this again. They tried working through the issue They have sessions where lwj plays him song of clarity when his suicidal thoughts come back stronger. It took months before he was able get back on his feet, although he is still under close watch from lsz and lwj after all these years.

this was the first time in a very long time since wwx had such a violent surge of these thoughts, even if he tried to hide it (they had already helped him so much, he cannot depend on them forever, right?).

he was surprised when lsz came to him to play soc, it did help him calm down from his sudden attack and it took a very long time for both lan to bring him back to a more stable state of mind, lwj joining as quickly as he could (paperwork were not as well done, as usual, that is for sure). They didn't sleep that night, but making sure that wwx wouldn't do something to harm himself and make him understand that no, he didn't just do bad things in his life, even in this second one he has helped many people.

It did take a while for wwx to do better again (lwj and lsz never leaving his side).

====

lsz would probably eventually tell jc if the man were to come back to him about it. there was still tension between the two, but clearly, slj couldn't just drop all his worries for wwx even after everything (talking through some stuff also did help). Maybe jl would also be told.

The number of people knowing about wwx attempt is very low, kept to the bare minimum. Of course, he and lwj know, and so do lqr and lxc since they are lwj family. The healers who saved wwx know (although they do not have the full situation about wwx mental state at the time).

the only "outsider" who know is ljy, since lsz did need someone to talk about it that wasn't as affected by it as lwj was.

so adding two people that were related to jc in a way wouldn't be bad either.

lsz really felt like jc could know (which could be helpful if anything were to happen in the future and only jc was around, at least he would know about wwx struggles).

He would probably be a bit hesitant to tell jl at the same time, despite not wanting to hide it from it either lsz wouldn't want his friend to possibly think what happened was entirely his fault (wwx had some low time over the years after all), he could see where the frustration come from and he hadn't watched his words (but it could help in the future.

I do wonder how they would react

====

(sorry for the much more angst and dark thread, I got a low earlier and had angst idea)

Original

#tweet archive #mdzs #mo dao zu shi #wei wuxian #lan wangji #lan sizhui #post-canon #internal struggle #wei wuxian need helps #suicidal wei wuxian #cw suicide #cw suicide attempt #cw suicide ideation

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panlight · 3 years

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What are your top five ways that Meyer blindsided you regarding what you thought versus what she meant? For example, you've said before how you truly thought that Bella being afraid of blood would have implications but that never did. Or how Jacob would fight the imprint!--but he didn't. Or maybe in a more subtext way: for example, Bella showing signs of suicidal ideation in New Moon but Meyer insisting that isn't at all what's happening. In what ways did Word of God blindsided/confuse?

1. Jacob fighting the imprint. I was absolutely sure that was where this was going. Any other YA series would have the main characters be like "NO! I will NOT have some outside force decide my life for me! I don't CARE if we'd be perfect together. It's MY life, I get to choose!" Like just look at all those stories of "utopias" where the characters are paired up by the government or a computer or whatever and they they FIGHT it and that's the whole point and I thought that's where imprinting was going, especially with Jacob being so against it. "They don't belong to themselves anymore" "what's wrong with falling in love the normal way?" "It's just another way of having your choices taken away from you." Like, my god, there was SUCH potential here for a parallel with the veggie vampires choosing not to surrender to their instincts but no, it's a Happily Ever After (supposedly). Also still think if he had imprinted on like Jess or Angela or Random Girl in New Moon/Eclipse, SM would have had him fight it and ~choose his love for Bella~.

2. The James bite. I thought this was going to be a big deal and that would end up mattering later in the series. That the bite and exposure to vampire venom would have made Bella immune and impossible to turn (!), or that they could create an antidote to vampirism from her blood (!), or that it would be the explanation for why she was so good at vampiring right away, or something. But it's just . . . never a big deal, not important, never even really mentioned again other than there being a scar that Edward can be emo about.

3. Denali story/foreshadowing. I legit thought Carlisle was going to die in Breaking Dawn. And he's basically the most interesting character to me so I wasn't all that psyched about it, but it made sense. Often in YA/coming of age stories, the mentor figure has to die so the young characters can really come into their own. But the main reason I thought he was doomed was at the beginning of BD when Bella's talking about the Denali coven and how Carlisle told her about how the sisters' 'mother' had been killed and they were still so upset they couldn't utter her name, and Bella has a thought like "I can't imagine the Cullens without Carlisle" and I was like welp he's a goner. But then, no, we just get that non-fight at the end.

4. THE BABY. Okay, once we get to BD, it's pretty clear the baby is happening. Bella's dreams and the whole Denali backstory with the Immortal Child aren't exactly subtle. But PRIOR to BD, SM seemed to be trying really hard to make the fandom think it was impossible. I remember those halcyon pre-BD days vaguely. I wasn't super into the fandom but I had read the first three books and was Twi Curious, basically, and read some stuff on the Lexicon and followed a few. . . I guess they were livejournals at the time, lmao. And the WHOLE FANDOM was convinced and babies were impossible and would quote things SM has said at Q&As or on the Lexicon and like babyfic was disdained because "that can't happen." And it's retrospect it's clear that SM was tip-toeing around it and answered very carefully so she could be "Haha I never said a male vampire and a female HUMAN specifically couldn't have a baby! Checkmate!" but the fandom still basically felt lied to from the Word of God stuff we had been getting from her over the last few years. I think the backlash wouldn't have been as bad if she had just been like "I'm not going to answer that" or something versus heavily implying it was impossible while leaving a specifically E/B-shaped loophole.

5. Born to be a Vampire. Maybe it's just me, but if you're setting up a character to be "born to be a vampire," maybe making her pass out at the sight/scent of blood and LOVE the sun/warmth is a weird choice? Bella being able to smell blood is supposedly weird (but like . . . I can smell it?) and maybe a hint to her vampiric potential, but then why does it make her sick rather than make her be like "Idk it smells kinda good? That's weird, right? I'm so weird." I also just . . . being a vampire is framed as BAD. The Cullens "rise above the hand they were dealt." They make the best of a situation that is written as being kind of lonely and frustrating at best and DAMNED FOR ALL ETERNITY at worst and then Bella becomes a vampire and it's perfect forevers and bliss and fairytale cottages and I'm just like, what? I wanted bittersweet! I was fine with her becoming a vampire, but I wanted it to be a struggle, for it to not be the fairytale she thought it was, but for it still to be worth it in the end. And I thought that's where it was going with all those gloomy quotes SM put at the beginning of the books. Do not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. Violent delights have violent ends. The world will end in fire or ice. Uh, none of those point to a fairytale in my mind. Also Bella being framed as being uncommonly good/selfless AND 'born to a be vampire' just does not compute in my mind. The Cullens are the way they are because Carlisle was so unsuited to be a vampire that he just rewrote all the rules. Maybe Bella was born to be a CULLEN but born to be a vampire implies something different to me. That's something I might say about a James or an Aro.

#asks

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jinxxedwammys · 3 years

Note

S/H TW

can you do the wammy boys finding out their s/o cuts/used to (whichever youd like)

Warnings: Self Harm

If you're struggling with self harm or suicidal thoughts, please talk to a counselor, therapist, psychologist or doctor, but if you don't have access to any of those, try calling one of the hotliness or using one of the resources here

Remember, you're not alone in this, I believe every one of you that is struggling can pull through , take care of yourself please, mental health matters as much as physical health!!

I'm not good at helping people with these kinds of things... or talking to people in general, but regardless, if anyone ever wants to talk, I'm here. ❤

BB isn't included because I didn't feel like writing him today.. sorry

DO NOT PROCEED BEYOND THE CUT IF YOU FEEL THIS MAY TRIGGER YOU!!!

It had only been a few weeks into your relationship when he figured it out.

L was very observant, he almost always knew what you'd needed before even you knew you needed it.

So it wasn't that surprising when he brought it up.

"Y/N, are you intentionally hurting yourself?" He asked quite bluntly.

"Yes... I know I shouldn't, but I can't stop" he nodded in understanding.

He had read some things on psychology back when he was living at the orphanage.

Though admittedly, he didn't exactly know how to best help you, but he'd make a good effort to learn.

He started by ensuring you were unable to access anything that you'd previously used to hurt yourself with, without supervision.

Then he looked into getting you into therapy

And of course, while all that happened, he'd listen to your issues and try his best to let you know he cared about you.

Mello

Mello only realized what was happening the first summer you spent together.

You had been unwilling to uncover the parts of your body where you were harming yourself.

He initially thought you were just stupid, walking around almost totally covered head to toe in California heat.

But when it finally dawned on him, he felt sort of guilty for not finding out sooner.

He took immediate and admittedly aggressive action.

He demanded you hand over what you were harming yourself with and that you "Get your ass in the car, I'm taking you to the hospital"

After he ensured you were safe and getting the help you needed, he softened up quite a bit

He made a promise to himself to make more time for the two of you and to help as best as he could.

You were going to get through this together, as always!

Near

Being as observant as L, he noticed almost immediately.

He'd even figured out what you'd been using without you needing to tell him.

So when he asked you to give it to him, you were quite shocked actually.

"Did you think I wouldn't notice? Seriously, Y/N, you know you can't get something like that past me" he said, concern clearly showing in his eyes.

"We're getting you help" he stated.

And as promised, he got you into a therapy program.

He also did whatever he, himself could do to help

Matt

As a former self harmer himself, he'd seen the signs.

He knew before you told him.

But when you did, he remained calm, he didn't make a huge deal out of it.

He simply asked if you were willing to get help.

He knew the road to recovery wasn't exactly easy, but he'd be there for you every step of the way.

278 notes · View notes

emf005 · 3 years

Text

Love is real

Draco Malfoy x Hufflepuff! Reader

Warnings: FLUFF!! Draco is a complete softy and it's adorable, talk of suicide, confusion, a bit of angst...

Summery: You are a huffelpuff who doesn't belive in love. Draco is unsatisfied and devises a plan to get you to belive and possibly fall, in love.

You set your chin on Draco’ shoulder and looked at what he was doing. Potions. Groan. You hated potions with a passion.

“Draaaaacooooo!” you sang in his ear. He tried to keep a straight face but just ended up biting his lip from trying not to laugh. “Draaaaaaacoooooo,” you sang again.

“Yes, Y/N?” He asked, attempting and failing to hold back a chuckle.

“Whatcha doin’?”

“Potions.” You frowned.

“But I’m sooooo much more interesting!” You grinned. He couldn’t help but smile.

“Yes, Darling, you are. But I need to finish this.”

“Why?”

“Because it's graded.”

“Why?”

“Because Snape made it that way.”

“Wh-” he put a hand over your face and glanced at you with an arched eyebrow.

“You aren’t going to let me get anything done, are you?” You shook your head like a little kid. He chuckled and took his hand away from your face and set down his quill. “You just don't like potions because you aren’t a natural at it.” You pouted at his completely true statement.

“It's boring! And Snape has a personal vendetta against me!” You crossed your arms and pouted, making him laugh.

“Aw, you poor thing,” he teased, rolling his eyes and going back to his work. You took a seat next to him and put your hands on your arms. He worked silently for a few minuets before finishing and packing everything up. “I still can’t believe you made me take muggle studies with you,” he huffed as he slung his bag over his shoulder. You giggled and walked with him through the halls.

“It's an easy grade!”

“For you maybe! You're halfblooded! I still don’t understand the function of a toaster! What's its purpose?”

“To toast bread! It is literally in its name!” You laughed.

“And then phones. What is the purpose when you can just send a letter?” You giggled and took your seats near the back of the class.

“It's faster! And plus it's like talking face to face but from long distances!” He just shook his head and leaned back in his seat.

“Magical culture is just better.” He sighed and you rolled your eyes.

“Welcome everyone! Welcome welcome!” The professor called out to the class. “Today we will be discussing muggle stories.” He said excitedly, though most of the class didn't want to even be there. “We are starting with Romeo and Juliet By William Shakespeare.” You groaned and slouched in your seat. Draco raised an eyebrow at you.

“What's with the reaction?”

“This is one of the most Cliché plays ever.” You hissed. “The love,” you made a gagging noise.

“A Hufflepuff who isn't a fan of love?” he teased, but you just glared at him. His smirk fell. “Wait, you really don’t believe in love?”

“It's a chemical reaction humans have to other humans. Its natural instinct to get them to reproduce,” you explained with a curt nod. He just stared at you.

“You must be joking.” You stared him down before turning back to the professor to listen about the play that is so overrated.

“Y/N!” Draco called, running down the hallway after you. “Y/N, wait a second!” You paused and smiled as he caught up with you. “You can't just say something like that and just leave.”

“I think I just did. And I’m about to do it again.” You turned and started walking away but he grabbed your wrist.

“Why though? You're a Hufflepuff!”

“And you're stereotyping again. Listen, Draco,” you sighed and rubbed your temples. “My home life isn't the best. Love lacks in nearly all aspects of my life. You can care for something deeply, but love isn’t… its not…. Its a lie.”

“You can’t actually believe that.” You shrugged, tugging at your sleeves.

“All my life, its what I’ve seen. My mother and father have been through more divorces than I can count. My siblings are in horrible relationships and they are at their partners throats all the time.” You admitted quietly. “Someone is always in tears because their heart is being torn out. If love was real they wouldn’t constantly be miserable,” you turned and slipped your wrist from his grasp and took off down the hallway. He just watched after you.

He had been friends with you since first year, complained to you about his home life, about his expectations, and all the while… you were dealing with your own struggles. How hadn’t he noticed that before? Well, he was going to change that. He’d get you to believe in love. He didn't know how, but he would!

“Y/L/N!” You turned to Draco as he jogged down the hall at you. You were heading to muggle studies. You smiled at your friend as he slowed to a walk.

“Where's the fire?”

“I have a proposition for you. A bet of a sort.” You hummed, never able to turn down a bet. “If I am able to get you to believe in love by the Yule Ball, you have to go. Not with someone, you just have to go.” You cocked your brow at him.

“What if I win?”

“Well, you won’t, but if you do I’ll leave you alone about it.”

“No teasing, no bringing it up?”

“Zip.” You inhaled and thought about it.

“Alright. Deal, Malfoy. If you can do the impossible, then I will go to the Yule Ball. But if not, you have to stop bothering me about it indefinitely.” You stuck out your hand. “Shake on it?”

“Don’t trust me?”

“Can never be too careful with you,” you teased. He shook your hand and you headed to class.

You sat in your usual seat at the back of the class, a copy of Romeo and Juliet sitting on the table. You groaned. He smirked.

“Well, look. The most Cliché story in all of history,” he teased.

“They kill themselves for each other.” You hummed. He paled and looked at the story. “They also get a lot of other people killed in the process.”

“That's horrible!”

“That's romance! People who can control you because they stole your heart! They can manipulate you, think you can’t live without them!” He just stared at you.

“Nothing about love appeals to you at all, does it?”

“No.” You looked away, his eyes widened.

“You’re lying!”

“No.”

“Yes you are!”

“Shush! No, I’m not! Nothing about it appeals to me! It has destroyed people! Why would that be appealing to anyone?” He shook his head.

“That may be true, but you were lying. Are you afraid of it?” You laughed. It was fake.

“Scared of love? That's a good one!” His mouth dropped and you knew there was no getting out of this.” You stood and ran out of the room. You’ve read Romeo and Juliet before, you would get whatever assignment that was given from someone else in the class.

Being afraid of love. What a joke you were. He was probably laughing his head off at you. You would be.

He didn't see you for a few days after that. He wanted to talk to you about what you had said. You did have a bet, but to make sure you were alright.

He sat in the library and he heard your voice from the isles. He jumped up and scurried to where you were. You were trying to reach a book on the shelf but struggling. He grabbed it off the shelf for you and handed it to you.

“Oh! Then-” you paused when you saw him. You turned and started to turn.

“Wait wait wait!” You stopped and turned back around, your eyes were sad.

“What do you want, Draco?” You sighed and looked down. “Wanna laugh at me? The Hufflepuff afraid of falling in love?” He shook his head.

“No! No, I wanted to make sure you were alright. You looked really upset.” You were speechless.

“Oh! Oh. Um, I’m ok.”

“Did you really think I would make fun of you for that?” He looked kind of hurt.

“I mean, maybe? It's ironic how I’m a Hufflepuff and how out of touch with my own, or anyone else's, feelings I am. I don’t trust people, Draco. I never really have. And I trust you, but… this stupid wall that I’ve built up is just to tall for me to tear down. It was better to avoid you and not see you laugh at me,” you said quietly and looked down at your feet. “Uh, sorry.” He just stared at you for a moment before doing something Draco Malfoy did not do. He pulled you into a hug. You were shocked for a second before hugging him back, burying your head in the crook of his neck.

“I understand, I’m sorry,” he muttered to you, and in that moment you realized something. Something utterly horrible and terrible. You did believe in love... because you were in it. You were in it so much, that you didn't even realize that you were in it. And you were in love with your best friend. This could ruin yours and his life. Because that's what love did. It took and it took and it took and then it left you broken on the pavement with no one. You had seen it happen before. You had wanted it so bad up until that moment. And then you had buried that emotion deep inside of you so that you would never have to go through it. But now it was surfacing. Ready to destroy you just like it did to Romeo and Juliet.

Ever since your realization, you had buried it in an even deeper hole, but that hole turned into a cavern that threatened to swallow you. Every time he was near you, talking to you about love and how great it actually could be, your heart was pounding. You were deaf to everything else but him. You hated it. You couldn't stand it! It was tearing you apart from the inside out and you wanted to just die!

No!

No no no no no. No dying. You would not be one of those people. Ever. You would win this bet. You would kill these feelings and be the normal happy Hufflepuff you were known to be!

“Hey, Y/N!” Your stomach fluttered and your heart skipped a beat.

Dammit!

“Hey, Darco,” you said happily, turning around to face him. “What's up?”

“Well, since the bet’s almost over and the Yule Ball is coming up, I have one more idea.” You swallowed. Not another one! This boy was going to kill you.

Stop being such a stereotypical Juliet!

“I think it would only be fitting to give you the full experience of what it can be like.”

You chuckled softly and readjusted your books. “Oh yeah, Dray? Like what? Take me on a date?” You teased.

“Actually yeah.” You stopped walking. Your heart stopped beating. Your entire body stopped functioning.

“Wh-what?”

“I mean, let's be honest. I can tell you everything that's great about it and how every relationship doesn’t end up with someone getting their heart broken, but you have to actually see what a romantic situation is!”

No!!!

“Yeah sure,” you shrugged. “When and where?” He beamed.

“I’ll pick you up at your dorm tomorrow at seven.” He smiled and walked on. Your smile dropped and you nearly collapsed.

Why did I agree! Why why why why? What the fuck is wrong with me?

You smacked your head off the wall earning a few strange looks from your peers but didn't stick around to see if they would ask you if you were ok or not. You took off towards the Hufflepuff dorms. Your stomach twisting and turning with every step you took.

You were finally safe in your dorm room only to see your friend, Maria, staring at you from her bed.

"Y/N? What's wrong? Why do you look like you've been running away from something?" You started to sob and she was in her feet with her arms around you within two seconds, shushing you and telling you it was alright. But it wasn't. "What happened?"

"Re-remember when I told you about my family. And how my mum and dad have been divorced and-and my siblings always end up crying over lost loves and and and how my brother threw himself off a bridge because-because of it? And I promised to never be caught in that trap?"

"Honey you didn't." You let out another sob. "It's ok. It's ok. Who?"

"Dra-Draco. And-and he asked me out on a fake date and I-I accepted and I don't know what to do!" You wailed. She kept silent for a moment.

"Well, I've known you've been in love with that boy since day one and he's-even if he hasn't realized it yet-has been in love with you just as long. Now, I'll tell you what we are going to do."

"What-what?" She helped your face in her hands and looked you in the eyes seriously.

"We are going to get you all dolled up for this date, whether or not it's real. You are going to knock this boy's socks off."

"But-but our bet. I-I can't lose. I can't go to the Ball!"

"Sure you can. And I bet you anything, you'll be going as his date," she smiles and holds you. "When's this date with him?"

"Tomorrow at seven," you sniffled. She nodded.

"Then it looks like we have a date to start getting you ready for." She smiles at you and you smiled gratefully back.

Draco was pacing his dorm room twisting the ring on his finger. Why had he done that? He had asked you out on a fake date. If he was going to ask you out he wanted it to be real. He flipped on his bed with a groan. What had he gotten himself into? He had fallen for a girl who didn't believe in love. How lovely.

He had wanted to ask her to the Ball. Perhaps as more than just friends. But when he asked if she had a date, she said she wasn't going. This whole thing was exhausting. He did see what she meant. The love in her family did seem…Stressed. But that didn't mean all love was terrible. Right?

"Merlin," he mumbled and ran a hand through his hair. "What am I getting myself into?"

Maria zipped up the back of your orange and red dress. She had put together the best outfit for the occasion. She had given you black leggings under the dress and a pair of boots with a black infinity scarf and a heavy jean jacket. Then she did your hair up in a high ponytail and a black scrunchie around your Y/H/C hair. She had put oranges and yellows and reds as your eyeshadow and a darker lip stick on you. You looked great.

She smiled at her good work and helped you put your jacket on. Maria squealed behind you, obviously excitedly she wouldn't stop talking about how she had shipped the two of you since the day you met. It was slightly irritating, especially considering you didn't exactly know how to feel. Should you be happy? Sad? Angry? What were you supposed to be feeling?

You sighed and collapsed on your bed, ready to go to sleep right then. The makeup was heavy and you weren't used to having so much of your cleavage exposed, courtesy of Maria's dirty mind.

"Maria, I don't know, isn't this a but…Much? It's not even a real date!"

"Riiiight," she winked at you, making you huff and cross your arms. You felt like you were going to vomit. Maybe you could get away with not going because you were sick?

"Y/N?" Jess knocked on the door and smiled at you. "Wow, looking good. Anyhow, Draco said you were expecting him?" You frowned. Too late. You stood and brushed off your dress looking back at Maria who gave you a thumbs up. You attempted a weak smile and left your dorm room. Your stomach was a wreck, your head hurt from thinking and you were exhausted from lack of sleep.

You had spent all night trying to think of what to do. You didn't want to end up like your brother, or your family, or Juliet. Up until this point… Until Draco… you were perfectly content with being sure love was horrible. And you were still fine with that! But, what if it wasn't? What if it was great? What if it was all perfect and then it just went up in flames like you've watched every relationship around you end up. You opened the portal and stepped out.

Draco was standing there looking around the hallway awkwardly and bouncing in the balls of his feet. He looked at you as soon as you stepped out of the portal and his jaw dropped. You bit your lip and looked down.

"I-I can go get changed if I did it wrong? Maria helped and-"

"You look beautiful," he assured you, taking your hand in his. You swallowed trying to steal your heart.

No no no no! Stop being so sweet! I hate love I hate love I hate love!

"Tha-thanks," you stuttered out. He smiled and pulled you after him.

"Come on. I got everything planned!" He smiled childishly, making you laugh and run after him as he pulled you.

When Draco said he had everything planned, he wasn't joking. He had pulled you up to the Astronomy Tower where he had had a picnic setup and a bubble spell cast around the area so that the wind wouldn't affect the two of you. You gaped at the scene.

"Woah," you whispered, he laughed and pulled you down besides him. And the weird part of it? It wasn't awkward. It was perfectly normal in every way. It was just like talking with your friend, but the butterflies of him being so close were definitely a difference.

After that you two went around the grounds, him keeping you under his arm to protect you from the winds and the chill, which worked. But you really don't need it because you were all warm inside from him being so close.

Did he always smell this good? Peppermint and pine?

Odd combination that strangely worked for him.

Oh my God! Stop it! You can not fall in love! Or, rather fall farther in love.

And it didn't help that Draco was a perfect gentleman. He offered you his jacket when he noticed you were shivering on your own, but you just laughed him off saying that he would be cold.

"Not with you here keeping me company," was his response and put the jacket over your shoulders. You blushed and grabbed the jacket to hold it tighter.

The night went too fast and you often forgot that it was a fake date. It was just to prove to you that love wasn’t bad. That love was real. And you hated that he was right.

“So.” he said at the end of the night, his hands in his pockets as he swayed between his heels and toes.

“So.”

“Who wins?” You looked up at him confused. “Do you believe love is real?” You swallowed and looked down, sliding his jacket off your shoulders.

“Yeah. Maybe. You win,” You handed him his jacket back, which he hesitantly took back. You laughed and shook your head. “Looks like I have to hurry up and go dress shopping.” You smiled at him and pressed the combination to enter the Common room. The door opened and you stepped in, stopping before closing the door. “Thanks, Darco,” You smiled at him over your shoulder. “I’ll-I’ll see you tomorrow,” you entered and shut the door, his mouth still open from where he was trying to say something. Anything. But nothing ever came out. This wasn't how tonight was supposed to go.

He slunk off to his dorm room with slumped shoulders and his jacket on his arm.

Your back hit the wall and tears formed in your eyes. You cried into your arms and shook off the person who put their hand on your arm.

“Y/N/N.” You hiccupped and fell into Maria’s arms. She held you, whispering how sorry she was.

“I was so stupid!” You sobbed. “I-I promised myself I wouldn't become like the rest of my family! I promised myself!”

“You can't help these things, Y/N/N. I’m so sorry.” You cried into her shoulder as she led you up to the dorm room so you two could have some privacy.

You told her how perfect everything was. How he had planned the perfect date and then how you had forgotten it was all completely fake. She just shushed you as you sobbed. Saying it would be alright. The worst part though? Now you had to go to the Yule Ball and see him there with some other girl on his arm.

Why did you have to go and fall in love?

Maria was doing your hair, putting it up in a semi-messy bun with strands falling down the sides of your face. Your Y/F/C dress was dazzling. It flowed out when you spun and was slung off to one side so that one of your shoulders was exposed. Your makeup was done to match your face and although you looked like a princess in your glittering dress, you didn't feel like one.

No one had asked you, but you had to honor your bet with Draco, like he would notice if you weren’t there or not. Maria put her hands on your shoulders, signaling that she was done. You stood and looked yourself over in the mirror, still frowning and feeling self conscience.

The dress hugged the top of your body, making your figure quite noticeable. At least it was higher up than the dress you had worn on your “Date” was. There were sparkles dusting the entire thing and you really did love the dress.

Maria squeezed your shoulder. You looked back at her.

“You’re always welcomed to hang out with me and Nolan,” she offered, but you just shook your head.

“He’s your boyfriend, Maria, I’m not third wheeling. Plus this is your guys’ night.” You smiled at her. She was gorgeous. Her dress was yellow and black with blue underneath it to represent her boyfriend’s house. It was brilliantly beautiful and you couldn't help but just stare in awe at her. She was one of the most beautiful girls in your year. She pulled off anything. She smiled sadly and held your hands.

“Well, if you need the company….”

“I’ll come find you,” you promised. She squeezed your hands again and left the room. You looked yourself over and ran your hands over the dress, something it out before making your way down to the Great Hall.

Awkward wasn’t the word for what you felt. No. You felt something far beyond awkward. You were sitting, alone, at one of the tables on the side, watching Pansy Parkinson throw herself at her date… Draco Malfoy. Your chest tightened. God, he looked perfect. He always did, you had recently noticed, but looking at him now from across the room, twirl her across the room with the stoic face… Your heart beat out of your chest.

“Excuse me?” You looked up to see a Durmstrang student bowing and holding his hand out to you. “Would you, uhm… Dance with me?” You smiled. He was one of the shyer ones you could tell. Not often you found one of them. You took his hand and stood.

“I’d love to.” He smiled and led you out onto the floor. He twirled you around and you laughed. The two of you talked and danced and laughed. He was quite nice. And the awkwardness fell away, but the throbbing of your chest did not.

Draco was “listening” to a story Blaise was telling for the thousandth time. He let his gaze travel the crowd, searching for you for the millionth time that evening. He hadn’t seen you yet and knew you wouldn't back out. He ended up taking Parkinson, which made him want to gag. He finally caught your figure and it took his breath away completely.

Your hair was done up in a fancy messy-ish bun with strands falling into your face. Your make up was simple and your dress… He couldn't stop staring at you. Then he noticed you were being led out onto the floor by someone. A Durmstrang student. He swallowed and followed the two of you out with his eyes.

Your dress flowed around you as you danced with him. Your laugh rang through the crowd as you laughed with him. Your smile was bright as you smiled at him. That wasn't supposed to be a Durmstrang student. That was supposed to be him. Draco Malfoy. It was supposed to be him making you laugh and twirl like that. It should’ve been him making you smile that brightly. He swallowed and left Pansy’s side, making a beeline for you. He tapped the student on the shoulder.

“Mind if I cut in?” The Durmstrang student opened his mouth to probably say yes he did mind, but just ended up shaking his head. He squeezed your hand, whispered something in your ear, and kissed your cheek, making your face flush before leaving the two of you alone.

Draco held out his hand and raised an eyebrow.

“May I have this dance?” You rolled your eyes and took his hand, hating the way you felt electric pulses shoot up your arm.

“You already scared off my only dance partner,” you joked as he led you to the dance floor.

“I’m sorry. Figured I had a right to at least one dance with my best friend.” You chuckled as he twirled you around the floor.

“What about your.. Date?” You glanced at Pansy who was glaring daggers at you. Draco rolled his eyes.

“No one else to take,” he mumbled. You frowned.

“Could have taken me,” You pouted and looked away from him. He seemed shocked by your statement, and honestly you were surprised you said it aloud. “I mean, you are the reason I had to be here in the first place. Thanks for making me miserable by the way.” He scoffed.

“Please, you were having a nice time cuddling up to that Durmstag.”

“Watching me now?”

“Hard to miss.”

“And what's that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, but it seems you now believe in the concept in love and are simply… looking for it.” Your jaw clenched and you ripped your hands from his.

“I never was looking for it!” You hissed and stormed out. Draco stood still for a moment before rushing after you.

“Wait! Y/N!” He chased you out of the Great Hall.

“Leave me alone, Draco!” you called over your shoulder.

“Y/N! Just, wait!”

“Go back to your date! I’m sure she’s waiting for-” Draco grabbed your hand and turned you so you fell into him. “You.” You two stared at each other for a second before he releases his grip. You rub your wrist and look away from him.

“What was that about?” He asked after a moment, you didn’t answer. “Y/N.”

“Nothing, Draco. Don’t worry about it,” you muttered.

“Don't worry about it? Of course I’m going to worry about it! You're my best friend, Y/N. How can I not worry about it?”

“Because it's your fault!” You shouted, looking at his eyes, your own watering. You couldn’t do this. You turned away from him and started to walk down the hall again.

“What do you mean ‘my fault’? What's my fault?” You froze and kept your back to him as you answered.

“I was fine, living my life not believing in love. Without believing that it was real and I couldn't be touched by it. That I wouldn’t end up like my family… like my brother,” your voice broke and you turned to him. A single tear escaped your eyes. “But then you had to make me see that I had fallen in love without realizing it. You had to wake me up from my dream. You had to go and make me love you!” You were full on sobbing at this point. Full on screaming. Your chest was heaving and he just stared at you with an open mouth. You wiped the tears from your face and sniffled. “And now,” you added softly. “And now I’m just like the rest of my family.” You buried your face in your hands and started laughing and sobbing all at once. “God! I’m just like my family!” you shook your head. “Might as well just jump off the Astronomy tower now! How about old fashioned-and-and poison myself!” You laughed, tears flowed down your face. “How-How about a dagger then?”

Draco just watched you have your break down. Sobbing and laughing and talking about suicide. He couldn’t move. And when he did, he had no control of his body. He did what he wanted to do from the moment he had met you.

He walked up to you, put his hands on your face and kissed you. You immediately kissed back, not knowing what you were doing in the slightest.

The kiss wasn’t soft. Not in the slightest. It was hard and desperate. You fisted his dress robes and pulled him in tighter against you, trying to get as close as you could to him. When you finally broke for air, you were both gasping for breath. He rested his forehead on yours, still holding your face.

“Never say that again. Any of that.” He rasped, his voice horse from the kiss. Hoarse was better than no voice at all, which is what you were left with. “I can’t lose you. Not now, not ever. I don’t care if you were joking or serious. Please don't scare me like that.” you pulled away and looked up at him. He looked down at you, his own eyes slightly watery. You opened your mouth to talk but you couldn’t get any words out, so you just closed your mouth and nodded. He sighed and kissed your head.

After a moment you got your voice back.

“So does this mean that you like me back?” You asked. He chuckled and looked down at you, kissing you again, softer this time.

“Yes. This means I like you back,” he smiled and you smiled up at him, eyes still glassy.

Bonus:

“And they lived Happily Ever After,” your daughter read and shut the book. You walked in and leaned on the doorway a smile on your face.

“What were you reading, Sweetie?” She turned the book over and squinted at the cover, sounding out the letters.

“Cinderella?” You nodded.

“A muggle story?”

“I found it in one of the trunks.” You came in and sat down on her bed next to her.

“And what did you think of it?”

“I don't understand it.” Your son walked in the room, a year older than your four year old, and crawled on your lap.

“What don’t you understand?” You asked.

“Well, how can they get married if they just met? How can you truly love someone you don’t even know?” Your son looked up at you for an answer as well and you smiled at the two. You hummed for a moment and leaned back in the bed and stared at the ceiling.

“Well, you can’t.” You answered. “You have to know the person.”

“How do you know if you're in love?” Your son asked. You looked at the boy who had inherited your looks while your daughter had inherited your husband's. You smile at the two and sat up on your elbows.

“Well, you just do. It's odd to explain, really. There's no logic behind love.”

“Never thought I’d hear you say that,” Draco said, walking into the room and settling down on the bed as well, picking your daughter up and settling her on his lap.

“Ha ha.” You laughed sarcastically. “Would you like to explain?”

“Yeah, Dad. How did you and mom know you were in love?” Your son asked, the hopeless romantic he was at age five.

“And what did you mean coming from her?” You daughter added, always the intuitive one. Draco thought about it for a moment and the three of you waited.

“Well, your mother didn’t believe in love, actually.” You smirked and laid back down on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

“Really?” they asked.

“Yep. She had to make it logical. Thought it was all up here,” he poked your daughter on her head, making her giggle.

“Did you really mum?” Your son asked, plopping himself down on your chest so you were staring at his face. You smiled.

“Yes. I didn’t grow up in the best household like you two. You have a fabulous mother.” Draco raised his eyebrows.

“And me?” You glanced at him and smirked.

“You’re alright.” He laughed.

“Thanks, Darling. I really appreciate that.”

“But, how did you two fall in love?” Your daughter asked again, getting slightly irritated.

“Well,” Draco began again. “I knew from the moment I laid eyes on her that I wanted to get to know her. And as I did, I grew to love her.” He smiled at you and grabbed your hand.

“That was so cheesy,” You grinned.

“Never bothered you before.” You rolled your eyes.

“What about you, mum?” Your son asked you with wide eyes. The one thing he had inherited from your husband.

“It sort of hit me all at once. I was so against it for so long, I never realized that I had fallen in love until he hugged me in the library at school.”

“That was where you realized it?” He asked. He hadn’t realized that was the moment you had fallen for him. You nodded. And he paused. “You're telling me that you let me believe you didn't believe in love that entire time?”

“It was only a few weeks.”

“And I could have taken you to the ball.”

“Are we still on that?” You sighed.

“We never left it,” you laughed.

Your children looked at each other in confusion.

“So…” your daughter began. “You slowly fell in love and you hadn't realized you fell in love? I don’t get it.” You smiled at the girl with platinum blond hair.

“One day you will.”

“Will I get it one day too?” He asked, sitting up. You put a hand on his cheek and smiled.

“One day.” You nodded. “Why don't you two go get ready for dinner,” you urged. They scrambled off your laps and ran to the dining room. You smiled and sat up.

Draco took you in his arms and kissed your forehead. You hummed happily.

“So the library, really?” You laughed. And looked up at him from his lap.

“Not going to let this go, are you?”

“What about that date? I was sure that was where I got you.” You shook your head.

“No, that made me cry for about three hours,” his jaw dropped, making you laugh.

“That was the perfect first date. How did that make you cry?”

“I was struggling, ok? And the fact that it was fake…” You drifted off, too sad to continue. He kissed you, bringing you back to the present.

“It was real to me,” he murmured. You smiled and leaned up, connecting your lips again. The butterflies in your stomach still fluttering like it was the first time.

“I’m glad to hear that, because it was pretty real to me too.” He smiled down at you and you smiled up at him, feeling as if you two were back at Hogwarts and were just teenagers wandering the hallways arm in arm.

Hope you guys enjoyed! Let me know what you think! Thank you for reading!!!

#draco malfoy #draco fluff #draco x hufflepuff!reader #draco x you #draco x y/n #huffelpuff #hq angst #fluff and angst

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parismystere · 2 years

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(This is LONG and mostly just me being speculative and nit-picky, so sorry in advance)

I wish the actual majority of the writers for the show cared about Adrien as much as you and (probably) Melanie do 😔 There's so many interesting things around his story and character but I feel like the majority of the writers don't really care about EXECUTING it well... Like, the basis of a good idea is there and they KNOW it, but then the story just kind of falls back on that and that alone to say something interesting- like having a good idea is enough to make up for the spotty writing. "This is cool, right? This is all the character conflict and plot you were anticipating wrapped up in five minutes! It's great!" At least that's the kind of vibe I'm getting from episodes like Ephemeral and even Chat Blanc to some extent. Maybe it's just the time travel reversing everything in the end that irks me, but why bother showing us all this Adrien-centric conflict if it never actually amounts to anything? Especially not to him? I know Chat Blanc was SUPPOSED to be a big deal for Marinette, but when it's only brought up once a whole season later, it starts to look like the writers are banking on the fact that the fandom will fill in all the blanks for them as to why it's still relevant from sheer Chat Blanc hype alone. I mean, I know good writing isn't meant to be in your face and it's probably a good thing people are still able to tie clues together about characters from what we've seen so far, so there is SOME continuity in the writer's thought process, but... I don't know. I really liked Chat Blanc when it first aired and I don't doubt that it was written with a purpose, but now that we have Ephemeral where essentially the same thing happened, something's rubbed me the wrong way and I can't help feeling suspicious. At least in regards to what makes Adrien intriguing, I just get the impression that the writers are starting to use it more as bait to keep some fans watching as opposed to actually being interested in writing his character.

Oh, but going back to the execution critique since this is all one string of thought process I'm struggling to organize- why do all of Adrien's issues make him so... Mopey? It's understandable that he's going through a LOT at the moment and definitely isn't in the best head space, but when you have episodes where he's quietly resigned to things followed by episodes where he's borderline suicidal and can barely function passed his sadness, that's when the execution of his internal struggle starts getting kind of murky in my opinion. Marinette also had her own struggles this season, but even when she wasn't getting immediate help, she was never written so- I don't know, one-note? They can show me Adrien is sad and make me feel for him without filing his character down to nothing but angst is what I guess I'm trying to say. Everytime they've written Adrien sad, they REALLY wanted to let you know. Maybe he's being written more one-note than Marinette because he's NOT getting any direct help like her though and that's the point, so admittedly I might just be being kind of nit picky here. It's just that his reaction seems a bit extreme when some of the events leading up to his internal conflicts were written on the lazier side- like having Chloe denounce their friendship while in the middle of her own character assassination and just... not touching it again cause she's just evil now I guess, and making Adrien a bit of a jerk to really send the point home that he wasn't a good match for Kagami and then not really giving us his reaction to the matter. Both of these were events that further isolated him from everyone, but he doesn't even seem to care about those. Off screen he might, but what we're actually presented with comes off as a juxtaposition between every episode. So again going back to my wariness against the writer's and their actual interest in Adrien's story, I just can't get it out of my head that they know it's the POTENTIAL for Adrien's story that fans are most interested in, and are now just trying to double down on getting people worried for his character without thinking very hard about how they're going to get there. Most of the attention is still on Marinette, so a lot of the progression for his story just seems to get shoehorned in when an episode acknowledges his existence.

Don't get it wrong! I can definitely see that a lot of effort has gone into writing this season especially, and the parts where we see Adrien are definitely significant and things I look forward to! Like, I definitely complained a LOT about some pretty debatable things when in 100% honesty I doubt I could write this sort of a story any better. It's just that the story seems to be getting SO MUCH more interesting now and the writing GENUINELY improved this season, and so now I'm just sad that while the story surrounding Adrien and his family looks really cool on the outside, everytime we get focus on Adrien directly, the only things we can actually see from his character alone is stuff we have to reflect off of where we THINK the storyline is headed, and that leaves a lot of room for me to doubt when the story is getting so. Darn. Complicated. (Well, that's not entirely true... We have seen him trying to move forward with his life with Wishmaker and Glacieator 2, just kind of picking himself back up with the few things he depends on, so it's not like he's being completely written off to the side to explode later- But! I don't think that erases my point that I think the audience would seriously benefit from more episodes where we can have his perspective fleshed out a bit more clearly and a lot more THOUGHTFULLY above all else.)

Yikes... Okay, REMINDING myself that this is still written as a kid's show though, let me just grieve a little lol: I know a lot of the writing has to be on the simpler side given the demographic, but why would they give us such a complicated, lore filled plot if it's only gonna become relevant in overly hyped, poorly paced episodes randomly thrown in next to the slow burn that is the love square and Adrien's character development (neither of which I mind being slow burn btw) 😭?? It makes it so hard to tell when it's worth tuning in and when you're better off ditching the fandom for a few months and just catching up later because the show is actually a lot goofier than the fandom might have you believe.

I just... I mainly got into the show for Adrien's side of the story, and some parts of it have been getting ACTUALLY good recently now that we're finally expanding on it. However, I can't bring myself to trust that the writers will deliver on execution or that the majority of them will actually write his character seriously. They MIGHT have another banger of an idea on top of everything else that has happened this season, but it'll mean jack to me if Adrien is only given a half-assed character moment to say his character's developed for either the worse or the better. All I'm saying is that if Adrien HAS to be forced to see the body of his comatose mom again, it better have a different set up then Hawkmoth discovering his identity as Chat Noir again, cause if they do that a third time, I will know for certain that a number of these sad-Adrien moments and DEFINITELY Epheneral were written more so to keep the audience engaged as opposed to being actually plot relevant. (I know Ephemeral was a What-If but ssshhhh)

Okay, sorry for all the scrambled thoughts. I DID spam this in your inbox for a reason though. You seem to have a clearer head about all of this than I do while still being analytical, and I genuinely like the takeaways you seem to have from every episode and about every character. Like, seeing your analysis on specific moments of an episode always has me rewatching with what you've said in mind and better appreciating the story, and I absolutely adore your takeaways on the smaller details of the show regarding the differences between the French and English dubs and a number of the things you can catch in the animation like repetitive body language and other fun details. Your interpretations of all the characters themselves are my absolute favorites though, and I love love love the way you look into all the foils!! I know I ragged on the writing a lot in this ask despite this being a pretty good season with a lot of ideas I genuinely like, so I guess I want to know if ANY of what I said made sense lol. I really am facing sudden trust issues with the writers I didn't expect to pop up now of all times, and the only reason I can really think as to WHY is Ephemeral. I loved Astro-Chat, but everything else?? As I've said- bad vibes!

hello, anon! first of all, thank you for taking the time to send me this thoughtful message! i'm absolutely flattered by your compliments and def blushed a little, haha. not gonna lie, i'm a bit frazzled that someone would think of my interpretations of canon when rewatching the show! i hope that nobody takes me as an authority on any ml issue, though; i don't speak for anyone and i'm sure that many would be opposed to my takes, anyway (plus i have a feeling that they're sliiightly on the controversial side sometimes). i'm just making my weird posts, basically.

now, onto the rest of your ask:

anon, i think the thing is that we're on the same wave-length, and that wave-length is that we're character-focused people. we care about what makes characters (and as a byproduct of that, real-life people, although i guess it's a more of a chicken or egg situation) tick. we're interested in arcs and narrative weight and foils and the darkness and the goodness the despair and the hope and so on. to be honest, i don't think that's what ml is even trying to be - it's a plot-heavy show (even if that plot is the akuma of the week and nothing that affects the main characters in an interesting way) that is heavily burdened (imo) by the format it got greenlit in. as you've noticed, we have this show that demands progress and linear storytelling because of the plotlines it was built around, but then the show has to stick with the repetitive format because of unpleasant things like money and executives and networks and little children being able to tune in after their activities without keeping up with the show on a weekly basis.

to be fair, i feel like we're kind of outliers in some ways. i might dislike astruc but he is right that most of the fandom is interested in shipping and everything else is kind of pushed aside for the sake of the square (or lukanette, if you're that kind of ml fan); i personally also came for the romance, but then got too preocuppied with the other aspects of ml. but sometimes even the romance feels like an afterthought, because we just have to have that akuma part for 10 minutes of an episode, and then we learn more about alec the tv host guy than, say, nino. that's why i salted so much on ephemeral - it felt like an illogical mess that was made in order to get a specific situation to happen. and then the issue is that we have characters with very strong personalities and personal motivations, and they get shifted for whatever this week's plot is.

you are very right that the show loves to add bombs and not address them, most notably chat blanc, which is hilarious because we as a fandom spent an entire season theorizing that marinette has been pushing chat aside because of her fear of chat blanc repeating, and then ephemeral happened and it wasn't addressed at. all. marinette, girlie, worry not that your crush is a furry, worry that your crush killed you and the rest of humanity! but at this point it's such a bad episode to me that i don't even want to count it as canon. i just can't figure out what was its purpose. anyway.

in general, miraculous doesn't do feelings very well; that's why i joke that it's inherently a boy's show at heart, as the emotional impact and the interpersonal relationships constantly get pushed aside for the fighting sequences to happen. that's why glaciator 2 felt so remarkable - finally an episode that is all about feelings and communication, as opposed to an akuma, which felt like an afterthought for once. but in 99% of the case everything happens at such an insane pace we don't have time to sit with our feelings! consider alya finding out who ladybug is, something she's been obsessing over for three seasons now - if we were in alya's position, we'd probably scream for a week (and then we might be like, 'hey, what's going on between you and chat noir, girl?'), but we never got to see how alya feels about it, or any major shift in the alyanette dynamic besides alya turning into marinette's right-hand man. it sucks... but it is what it is.

now, about adrien specifically, he's the most bizarre case of a deuteragonist i've ever seen. in any other media he'd be the protagonist, given his family history, his inherent character conflicts, and so on. that's why i'm kind of baffled by the way he is written, because there is obviously 0 intention for him to be an equal level as maribug in terms of screentime and powers, and yet the most exciting, the most touching, the most emotional bits of the show revolve around him. marinette's character arc revolves around him. so in a way, how can the writers not love him when they make him so memorable and have him affect the audience so much? my friend recently told me that the most watched trailers for ml episodes are all agreste-themed episodes, and the hype about these episodes is insane, so it's obvious where the plot is. the issue is that they wanted to have their cake and eat it too, because the formulaic nature of the show doesn't mesh well with what they have going on with adrien's story.

to put it even more bluntly, it's the people who love marinette that should be worried, and they're bizzarely not, likely content for marinette to only be enmeshed in love plots. i doubt i'll ever shut up about how the main character of the show doesn't have an arc beyond 'make adrien love me' (which we know will happen as they are the endgame couple) and 'save the world'. hell, felix came in and got one of the most interesting arcs in the show in 10 minutes! i think the writing of marinette has been getting progressively worse, but people got so mad at me for saying that what happened in ephemeral was character assassination and preferred to wrack their brains for an explanation that works. i'll just link this post, written pre-s2. so in a way, i feel like us adrien enjoyers can't even complain, given how much we get in comparison! but then they also refuse to show adrien more than absolutely neccessarily, and we even get a marinette scene in the beginning of the one episode from his pov, likely from paranoia that people will forget that he's the second fiddle if we get one episode centered around him. :/ it's a mess.

anon, i don't think adrien is mopey! if he's sad all the time, you should've seen me at his age! i'm probably being super defensive here as someone whose natural disposition is to be sad, but i think him being sad is much more realistic than what some other fans of the show want him to do, like suddenly become super aggressive and demanding or whatever. it's not very riveting to watch, but it's realistic - he's a 14-year old boy living with his cold, heartless, neglectful father, he doesn't have positive adult influence in his life, he doesn't even get to see his friends outside of school. he truly has no power. i will say, though, that you are right about his characterization changing, most notably from s1 to s2, as in s1 he was shown to have more chat-like moments as adrien, plus he got of the house a lot (which even makes sense plot-wise, because we can that gabriel has become less strict as he's too absorbed in his villain life). but s2 was such a tone shift, so i personally tend to view post-s1 as more canon, as bizarre as it sounds.

now, i think your issue is about adrien's agency in the show, how it gets developed, if it would happen, and so on. and that's understandable! i flip-flop about my feelings about how the show is handling him weekly. i don't think we should expect him to pick a few fights with gabriel and gabriel immediately to step back and rethink his treatment of his son - that's unrealistic. no abused child at home can benefit from this. and at this point i think they're going for some 'innocent lamb' angle with adrien, as everybody in the show tends to hide something from him - his family about their secrets, marinette and the classmates about marinette's crush on him, ladybug about, well, a lot of things, and so on. but i'm also very bitter like you that we keep getting the 'adrien has to be lured to find out about emilie' plot over and over again, but i'm a hopeful person and i want to believe that when it happens for real, it would be because of his own initiative? but also, the show kept getting greenlit for more and more seasons (personally, i feel like if you want to tell ml as tightly as possible, three season is the sufficient ideal length), and we're now in the final stretch - we have 30 episodes until the end of the agreste arc. if they're going to build up adrien's agency, now is the time, and i guess i have hope that is what we're gonna see! after all, if i know one thing about miraculous, is that the plot always moves when he does. he can't wander around his house, because then the agreste arc would be over, and they wanted to milk that one for as long as possible. my only worry is that everything agreste-related would get resolved in the season 5 finale, as opposed to some delicious, long-drawn story.

hm, i feel like i didn't manage to reassure you, no? sorry for getting so intellectual on here haha. i understand your anxiety because i'm also undecided about the direction of the show! i think cautiously optimistic is our best bet for now, because there is an effort in adrien's writing that no other character receives, and because he does have a story this season with his anger and attempts at self-actualization. if adrien's story doesn't get anywhere, then it's just a horrible case of bad writing/story planning, and given what's going on with chloe, i can understand the worries! but i think that adrien is someone the team genuinely likes as a character, otherwise they wouldn't be giving all the best moments to the agrestes. the issue is, like you say, that it would be a half-assed story arc; but on the other hand, i feel like nearly every episode this season has added something to the 'chat noir feels unneeded and betrayed' thing we have going on. so: cautious optimism!

#i am SO sorry for taking so long to reply anon i just really wanted to think about it #look anon ml is astruc's first show where he's the head writer so it kind of suffers that it's his guinea pig :/#ask #anonymous

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thespoonisvictory · 3 years

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i'd love a moment where someone tells wilbur that he isn't universally disliked, especially if it's one of the og l'manbergians, but i'm also not too hopeful because of how many of them feel betrayed by him (esp fundy and niki) :( on the other hand,, maybe eret could relate? or maybe that's just me wanting eret content adfgkhsd

Alright anon, you’re gonna get a whole essay here I’m so sorry, but I have so many thoughts about revived Wilbur.

Wilbur’s self esteem was kind of a mess, but there are two primary issues he seems to struggle with the most: believing he was a horrible president/leader and that people hated him for it, and believing that he was only valuable if he could be the perfect leader everyone wanted from him. I could pull out specific quotes, but honestly Ghostbur’s entire character and the Pogtopia stream transcripts I made would do a better job. During Pogtopia, part of his concern for why Tubbo might be a spy is because he thought he did a bad job as president and that Tubbo would prefer Schlatt.

Now, it’s easy to see why this would be a problem, as Wilbur simultaneously feels like he has to be this perfect leader and never show any flaws in order to have worth, while also feeling like he’s doing a horrible job. He felt like everyone hated him while still feeling pressured to act like everything was fine, which puts a lot of context behind his breakdown culminating in statements like “let’s be the bad guys” and “I can finally do whatever I want.” It was a mix of finally giving up on his attempt to be perfect and wanting to make everyone hate him before they had the chance to do it on their own, y’know?

(This problem could’ve so easily been addressed if the other characters were aware, and while I don’t want to blame everything that went down in Pogtopia on “aw look at him he’s sad”, a lot might’ve been prevented if at any point a character was like “hey Wilbur you doing ok bud? take a day off.”)

In my opinion, this is why a reconciliation with Eret is so, so necessary for a redemption arc for Wilbur. It’s just so perfect that the one character who’s betrayal cut Wilbur so deeply and arguably started his spiral also happens to be the one most dedicated to preserving his history and the one who most openly admires him. It’s this neat little juxtaposition that’s made even better by the fact that Wilbur has no idea.

Eret’s betrayal clearly stuck with Wilbur, to the degree that he was the person he chose to quote, directly, for what was supposed to be his final statement. Most of the others had for the most part accepted what Eret had done and moved on, but Wilbur never did. And to his credit, I can see why. Wilbur had put full trust in Eret, and in return he had taken a canon life not only from Wilbur, but from his son and two brother figures, and nearly ended L’manburg before it even began. Most crushingly, Wilbur never got to figure out why. He never got an apology, or an explanation, just a traumatic experience and a statement that would haunt him for the rest of his life as a leader. “It was never meant to be” implies more than a mercenary betrayal, it implies that Eret personally did not see L’manburg as worth sticking with, and I think that really broke Wilbur, as he very much valued his ideals and his creations. He respected Dream and his friends at the end of the war, but for Eret to turn away from his cause and declare it not worthy to begin with was something else entirely.

Now we as the audience know that Eret feels immense guilt over the betrayal, that he respects Wilbur as a person and especially as a leader, and that he came to truly understand why L’manburg was so valuable. But Wilbur never got to hear that, and I would love for that to be the catalyst for him maybe starting to deal with some of his issues. To have someone look at the bad he’s done and say “I still respect you”, to know that he was and is valued.

Obviously Wilbur has a lot of his own apologizing to do, but to be honest, the fact that Wilbur grew to be suicidal from all these unchecked mental health issues should probably be the primary focus, before we get into the whole “hey he kind of did some not so great things.” If Wilbur’s revival starts off with five minutes of Fundy and Tommy berating him as some people seem to want, that’s just not gonna be helpful from a guy who would probably agree with the worst they have to say about him. And I think Eret would be the perfect candidate as a person who, frankly, is in a stable enough position to help Wilbur, especially because he’d know what it was like to be hated by people he still cared about.

As for other candidates, Niki I think is another good choice. She’s been pretty open about the fact that she does still miss and care for Wilbur, and while I think there would definitely be a moment of “why did you leave me”, she would understand pretty well, especially given how she spiraled.

This got very long, but yeah. I love Eret’s character and I think if Wilbur gets redeemed he’ll definitely play a factor in it.

#wilbur soot #eret #dsmp analysis #meta #dream smp #long post #asks

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plasticnightmaredoll · 3 years

Text

(art commission by the lovely and talented @curious-menace)

It is a time where I would like to see what my followers think about various concepts I have in mind pertaining to alternate versions of one my fics. It may take some time to write out any alternate versions since I've been busy and stressed out so much lately, but I am very curious as to what others would find intriguing to read.

But first, some backstory so be patient. We'll get to the voting at the end of this post.

I've been having a lot of bad days lately, and my mood has plummeted to a major low. This includes my self-esteem, which has always been in the dumps but is now basically a dumpster fire.

However, I don't want to be entirely cruel to myself. I deserve some sort of happiness, some sort of reprieve, and writing can be a good coping mechanism. I put a lot of my own thoughts, emotions, struggles, opinions, etc. into my works, as they serve as a way for me to get things off my chest. Sometimes, it's just cute and funny stuff, other times angsty but eventually fluffy stuff, and other times it's quite depressing and dark.

One fic, in particular, stands out, and that is the Mortal Kombat/Batman Arkhamverse crossover, "Volunteer," (trigger warnings: mentions psychological torture and suicide...more about this fic in a bit for those who would rather not read it because of those triggers) which features Arkham Knight Edward Nigma and Jonathan Crane, as well as a lady friend for Edward named Sara. It also features Erron Black and Cassie Cage from Mortal Kombat (Cassie is only mentioned in the story a few times).

If you read the blog intro/self-introduction post pinned at the top of my Tumblr, you know very well how I feel about Cassie Cage (particularly in MK11) and the Erron Black x Cassie Cage (BlackCage) pairing. Those negative feelings are mostly due to a very bad experience with a pushy BlackCage fan who just wouldn't relent one bit on their stance and it was emotionally and mentally draining to try and talk to them, including providing counter-arguments.

I've come up with alternate versions for "Volunteer" recently due to the spike in stress, depression, anxiety, and insecurities I've been dealing with as of late. This is where my followers come in!

I would like people to vote on which alternate take on "Volunteer" they would be interested in reading. Now, I can't guarantee when I'd get to it because, as I mentioned already, I've got a lot going on. However, I really want to try and write at least one alternate version of that fic, just to get some insecurities and negative thoughts off my chest.

Now, for those who are wary of reading "Volunteer" because of the trigger warnings, here's my advice: Just read the first chapter, if you want to. Chapter 2 deals directly with the sensitive subject matter, although, you can probably guess what happens anyway just by reading Chapter 1 and if you know anything about Jonathan Crane/Scarecrow...well, he likes to mess with people...mentally. To put it very mildly.

Now it's time for the voting. I have three different scenarios I've come up with that are variations/alternate versions of the current "Volunteer" fic's concept/storyline. I'd like followers to select 1 (one) alternate telling of the fic. I will open anonymous asks again, so if you are shy or just want your vote to remain a secret for some other reason, then that's fine by me. Otherwise, you can reply to this post with your choice.

Edit: if you are turned off by the idea of a Mortal Kombat/Batman Arkhamverse crossover, I get it. I don't read crossover fics myself, and that's usually because the crossovers either make no sense or do make sense but the ideas are poorly executed.

This crossover I'm talking about, though, isn't a full-on crossover of MK and Batman. There's no world-building, no larger plot, and no other characters in MK even appear or are mentioned except Erron Black and Cassie Cage.

If anything, it's more of a Batman Arkhamverse standard AU with Riddler and a female oc, and Erron and Cassie are the only concrete elements of MK brought in. I mean, yes, the other MK characters exist, I guess, but they have no purpose in this crossover I've written, and won't make any appearances.

So, if you had any concerns about the crossover aspect, I hope this clears things up

Choices below the cut!

A) "Don't You Wish"

This version is inspired by a song from Pink, called, "There You Go." In this alternate telling, Erron manages to survive Scarecrow's fear toxin, and escape (most likely because Erron is out of his mind and panicking, thus not a threat, and he has no one to help him, so Scarecrow doesn't give a damn what happens to the dude). The first thing Erron does is go to Sara's place, having already broken up with Cassie after realizing dating her was a mistake, and Sara means more to him than he thought.

Well, it's been several months since Sara basically pushed Erron out of her life for his poor choice in women, and (Arkham Knight) Edward Nigma has proven to be a much better (and, wiser and more sensible -- yes, I know, but he's not a skirt chaser, Guys) friend to Sara. While Erron ran off with a blonde selfie princess, Edward offered genuine comfort and companionship, and now Sara has been in the process of moving on from Erron even further.

Sara humors Erron and lets him tell her -- while sounding terrified, confused, and conflicted beyond belief thanks to the fear toxin -- what happened to him. Now, Sara doesn't know Edward asked Scarecrow to take care of Erron as a means of getting revenge for her. Doesn't matter anyway. She's unsympathetic towards Erron's plight, feeling as if he didn't even give her a chance to confess her feelings towards him, nor did he even seem to notice how she felt; it was like he was too busy with thinking with his privates to realize he had someone in front of him who would have treated him better.

Sara tells Erron -- in a flat, disinterested tone -- that his situation is tragic and all but wtf is she supposed to do? Why not go to his dumb blonde gf? Oh, they broke up? Well, how predictable. And Crane is also a (sort of) friend to Sara, which shocks Erron and leaves him feeling worse than before.

Sara sends Erron on his way, and he wanders off in a daze, unsure of what to do with his life now.

Sara and Edward meet the next day, and they have a pleasant time, obviously moving towards becoming a couple. She chooses not to mention Erron as she is completely severing the cowboy from her life.

B) "I Don't Even Miss You"

This alternate telling is similar to the previous one, but this time it's inspired by a Miley Cyrus song, "WTF Do I Know" (Hey, her Plastic Hearts album is actually fantastic!), and Edward is with Sara when Erron arrives at her place in a distressed state. At first, Sara deals with Erron in the hall of her apartment building, unsympathetic to his plight and basically telling him, "I told you so," and "too bad." Erron is getting more and more upset, even angry at Sara's callous tone, and starts to raise his voice, demanding to know why she is being so cold at a time like this?

Edward overhears Erron raising his voice to Sara, giving her a difficult time, and he gets pissed. Edward steps out into the hall and not only mocks Erron in various ways, but demands that he leave immediately, or what Scarecrow did will seem like a trip to Disney Land. Erron has caused Sara -- who is currently moving on and growing closer to Edward -- enough problems and heartache.

Edward reveals he set up Erron, and while Sara is stunned to find this out, she handles it better than expected. Edward said it was his way of getting revenge for her, and he'd do it again if need be. Erron is sent away feeling so much worse, feeling lost, hopeless, and betrayed.

Sara and Edward talk and she admits she's upset that he did something like this without speaking about it to her first. However, he explains that he genuinely did it for her and he doesn't want her to feel pain at the hands of some "idiotic cowman," who doesn't consider the feelings of others and who behaves like a greedy, violent Neanderthal. (And yes, Edward does care for Sara, and he didn't send Scarecrow after Erron out of jealousy -- maybe a little jealousy but it was mostly rage over Erron causing Sara so much emotional pain)

Sara means more to Edward than he can express, and he may not be the best when it comes to emotions, but he does care about her and wants her to be safe.

Sara forgives Edward, understanding that, through his heartfelt but very nervous and shy confession that he is sincere about his feelings for her, and they make amends. She of course tells him to never do something so extreme without consulting her first, though, because what happened to Erron -- while she doesn't care what happens to him in the slightest -- was a bit too much.

C) "Listen When the Devil's Calling"

Another title inspired by a Miley Cyrus song, "Night Crawling," and this alternate telling involves Telltale Riddler and no Scarecrow. Almost a year has passed since Erron went with Cassie and Sara, out of bitterness and heartache, refused to speak or see him. This didn't sit well with him as she was his only friend, and his relationship with Cassie dies within a few months.

He goes looking for Sara, realizing she has moved out of her apartment. It doesn't take him long to find out where she is, and she's with The Riddler, a notorious criminal genius and one of Gotham's elite villains. Erron is worried for Sara and seeks her out.

Turns out, Sara's just fine. This isn't one of those scenarios where the girl is with a guy who just using her and taking advantage of her vulnerability. No, Edward does actually love her and takes good care of her. He finds people like reckless, selfish, and ignorant people like Erron to be a disgrace but also amusing because of how pathetically primitive they are.

Edward also doesn't appreciate how Erron pushed aside a good thing in Sara to pursue a girl who is a social media brat and has more selfies on her phone than brain cells in her, well, brain. It defies all logic to Edward, but he's also not surprised because of how much of a disappointment Erron is as a human being (hey, this is Riddler we're talking about, and he's not one to be sweet and gentle to those he can't stand). Edward doesn't say these things out loud, though, as it's a bit too vulnerable and personal for him to do such a thing with someone he doesn't know or trust.

Sara is upset that Erron has resurfaced and she remembers how heartbroken she was when he went after Cassie Cage. She wants Erron to leave her alone like she asked, so she can move on. She can't trust him anymore, because he's just a skirt chaser in her eyes.

Erron tries to plead his case, tries to apologize to Sara, and expresses how he really feels, but this just distresses her further. Edward steps in and tells Erron he's done enough to Sara, she clearly doesn't want to see him, and he needs to take his leave.

This isn't a request.

Edward pulls Erron aside, telling the cowboy that the only reason he's going to walk away from this alive is that Sara hasn't asked for him to be killed. Should she tell Edward to take care of Erron, well, you all know what Telltale Riddler is like.

And those are the three variations on "Volunteer."

If you could be so kind as to: