#this is what happens when i dont sleep and then dont want to do actual work

[jazzyblusnowflake]

In what ways do you believe V would display romance and affection?

V is... a difficult one smh. she hardly even allows anyone to touch her, and the solver had altered her AI beyond the possibility of her being able to relearn a new personality easily- or at least not overnight. Its like a semi-perminant trauma response.

so lets see-

V is prideful, even if she doesnt flaunt it like J, she couldnt bring herself to actually face people when shes doing something kind for them, she usually does it from behind the curtain. she doesnt want anyone to know she has anything soft about her, shes still scared of getting hurt, we have seen this several times during the show where she gets put off by the solver when Uzi uses it.

But when in a relationship she had to deal with the fact that the bond has to go both ways. it was... not easy for her to even admit she liked to be in a relationship in the first place. in fact i doubt if any of them even thought about it at all- before they knew what was happening they were all just an inseperable part of eachothers lives, and try as she might, N and Uzi just knew she cared about them lol.

V learned to open up a bit more. She opts for silence rather than flat out lying to peoples faces now, and when she feels ready to share something the others hear her out.

another thing that V does is trying to participate in things N and Uzi suggest. its really not easy to deal with 2 people who are so emotionally charged- so N and Uzi dont blame her for sitting out of activities but she tries to join them just to have the company, like going out around the desolate human cities looking for random stuff and sharing interests, or cuddling in a fort and doodling stuff- maybe even sometimes dancing or looking for clothes and getups. even though she might not participate in the activity herself, she still likes to be present and that itself shows N and Uzi that she cares.

speaking of clothes, Vs time with Lizzy showed her that a part of her still wishes she had the freedom to live as a normal drone for all the time that was robbed of her. she likes to look pretty and she likes to wear pretty outfits... something that she might have not had the choice on even if she had lived all her life as a normal drone. and showing the other two some of the outfits she choses and prettying herself up for her partners is probably a side of her shes not gonna willingly let anyone else see any time soon. N and Uzi arent complaining :p

Initiating any physical affections is something that she does rarely but sometimes even she craves the attention. Uzi and N feel like a cat had chosen to trust them lmao. She used to start really simple like curling her tail around N or Uzi or their leg or tail- she opted to skip hand holding and just go towards hugs or cuddles whenever she wanted the attention or N and Uzi were idly doing something and she just decides to join. sometimes she would demand neck scratches and rubs or head pats, she usually doesnt let anyone simply touch her so those are a big deal. and well if she goes for more like kisses or anything more intimate, she makes sure that her partners are okay with it and that shes not bothering them or forcing them by doing so.

Sleeping. thats it. V hardly allows herself to rest. the fact that she would let herself sleep around N or Uzi or even cuddle with them shows shes immensely trustful and happy of where she is right now. N and Uzi want to expload cuz its like a cat had fallen asleep on them and now they cant move cuz they dont wanna wake her up TvT

i think thats all i have for nowwww >:3

#snow rambles #snowballflo #murder drones #nuzi #vuzi #envuzi #nuziv #uzi doorman #serial designation n #serial designation v #biscuitbites #violetviolence #goldenmemories #violentbitingbiscuits #murder drones envy #envy

[saturnxlust]

HEYYY :P ik its been awhile my bad😔

Injured!Proxys+ben x Doctor! Reader

Tim Wright/ Masky

So this man is closed off, all of the proxys are😞

But hes not a idiot, he knows when his body has had enough and when he needs help

The only way you’d be able to help him is if its a severe wound or if your close with him

Im talking at least 2+ years of either dating or being friends..

Lucky you if you’ve made it this long!

Now actually helping him is difficult

Hes stubborn and doesnt like to admit hes in pain so when you stitch his sorry ass up or disinfect it, he winces but swears hes fine

Hes not fine

He also complains the entire time about how he could do it himself

Knowing full well he couldnt he just likes to be a pain in the ass

Brian Thomas/hoodie

Hes more lenient, he’ll let you help him even though we all know this man could do it himself

It wouldnt be good but as long as he isnt bleeding out he doesnt really care

Although hes the more lenient one hes still closed off and it takes atleast a year or more to be able to help him

The first time you actually clean up a wound he falls deeper in love

Its not covered in dried blood or anything!

Hes amazed at how gentle you were and found it cute if you were concerned about him

It gets to the point where he would make small bruises or cuts just to have you put a little bandaid on his finger or put pain cream on his bruise

He would totally make you kiss the bandages after, no matter how big or small😭

He has dinosaur bandaids and unicorn bandaids.

Toby Rogers

Oh boy buckle up

So he cant feel pain

Good luck☺️

He doesnt know hes hurt and most likely you wont either

If you somehow get him to wash his fuckass sweatshirt and seem to see a wound, he too, would be confused and surprised

He would find how concerned you were funny and laugh as you clean him up

If you yelled at him while he laughed he’d tell you to relax and that hes fine

Hes not fine

Like brian he would make small cuts and or bruises to have you patch him up

Back tracking a little, it would take a few months but not because hes closed off

He trusts you completely to not hurt him physically

It was just getting to see him without his sweatshirt on that was difficult

He keeps that thing on all the time no way your getting a peak at his scrawny ass unless you rip that sweatshirt off him or if you get…spicy.. with him..

Eyeless Jack

HAH

Good luck

He went to medical school

This man knows what hes doing

But like the others finds it funny that you want to help him

He doesnt need it but honestly

Hes too smart to get too badly injured, if he does it’s because he went awhile wothout eating and became reckless

I think that if he were to go more then a fee weeks without eating he would get reckless with how he got the kidneys

He wouldnt leave the victims alive and leave them in their bed naked with incisions on their stomach

When that happens he usually comes home with a bruise or scratches from the victims fighting back,

If you’ve gotten to the point that you know about that and accept it, not only will you be helping clean him up

You’d help clean his clothes up

Hes a clean guy dont get me wrong but after eating i think he would just need to sleep

And if your like me theres no way that 7’ tall demon is getting in my bed soaked in blood and possible guts ☺️

Jeffery Hodek

God i wish you luck if your with this man

He will let his wounds get infected for fun and he will enjoy it when you get upset (COUGH COUGH MOUTH CUTS COUGH)

He honestly couldnt care less and again, finds it amusing when you yell at him

Lets be honest his story is written awful so im gonna tweak it a litte

He did not get bleached, there was a explosion and some of his hair burnt off, it has since grown back a little but the burn scars are still there

So if you want to help him clean his mouth he’ll complain and tease you and taunt you but he’ll let you do it

..if you even want to after all that.😒

Benjamin Lawman

So he can’t actually get hurt…i mean unless hes like a zombie but he isnt, this guys a ghost

So i mean, unless he has some power to be human magically theres really nothing that can hurt him

Even you..

But you should find a way to hurt him, whether it be physical or emotional causr hes a jackass

And will make fun of you just to see you cry😒

Either bring up something from his past(he might get a little angry at that🥰) or threaten to throw him into a lake

You can’t actually throw him but..he..doesnt need to know that😇

#creepypasta x reader #tim wright x reader #ben drowned #jeff the killer #brian thomas x reader #eyeless jack #x reader #creepypasta

[deerlottie]

do you have any more big sister lottie thoughts? Even if its just short ones? :3

will legit buy you anything you want. you have a phase where you wanna be a drummer? she'll buy you that $600 drum set. but i think if you only use it a couple times, she'd get a little peeved. she'd make you actually practice and in the end you're grateful because now you're better than her at least One thing :p

summer is so much fun with her!!!!!!!! taking you on little road trips across the city, sometimes different countries if you two had the time. sitting by the campfire and she's tearing up talking about how hard it was taking care of you alone because of ur parents and ur just on ur DS playing nintendogs 😭

once you get old enough, i think she'd lowkey rather you ask her for drugs than get it from randos. BUT ur only allowed to do it in the house. she'll smoke with you sometimes but if she catches you being reckless she wont hesitate to kick ur ass

ohhhhhh helping her move out while ur stuck with ur parents until you can afford ur own place :( she tells u that you can visit whenever you want but you're crying because you dont want ur big sister to leave you >___< sleeping in her bed sometimes because you miss her so much :( lottie facetiming you constantly to see how ur doing

SHES SOOOO happy when you finally come to her for advice on a crush!!!!~ (doesnt know what to say)

gives you the worst advice imaginable and you come back home rejected and plotting lottie's murder

Okay i think she'd teach you how to shoplift. like shes passing down a family secret 😭 starting off slow and steady with a couple candy bars then the next thing you know you have 3 shirts stuffed down ur pants while lottie's cheering you on when you walk out the door undetected LMAO

Last thing i can think of is angsty....the crash still happens and it ruins you. every day for those 19 months lottie's constantly on ur mind. you're failing school and your parents dont even care or wonder where you are during the nights when ur getting fucked up with friends. you Only ever sleep in her room, hugging her pillows and crying to whatever higher being is out there to please bring your sister home safe. Being the first to greet her when she gets back ;(( when they're all coming back home on that plane??? THAT SCENE. she hears you call out her name and just loses it >____<

#lottie matthews thoughts 💭 #yellowjackets x reader

[caffeinatedopossum]

Events of last night:

Me: *crying*

My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(

Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful

My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.

#we then very heavily related over having the same intrusive thoughts and now I'm suspicious #thinking about when i told her i might have ocd and she said i didnt #and starting to feel like thats because... what if we both have ocd #it seems like she was basing her entire knowledge of conditions on people shes known with those conditions. which makes sense #but the person/ people with ocd had severe cleaning compulsions and the like #where as me and her obsess much more over morality #like its very clear we think about it so much. and idk what to do with that information #we both feel like the intrusive thoughts and obsessive ruminating are the only things that keep is from being bad people #or that prevent us from being bad people i guess. idk why that wording is just slightly more accurate #like people who dont think about these things (apparently all 'normal' people since this could be *an actual disorder*) #they're not constantly analyzing. trying to be aware. asking themselves questions about their true nature. judging those answers #theyre not really doing that with other people either. of course i could be wrong since im very clearly not a normal person. #but this is what i mean! im speculating about other people and acknowledging the ways i could be wrong and just trying to figure it all out #but it seems like no one does that and it doesnt *make them* bad people. it just doesn't prevent them from that happening either #like theyre just as likely to hurt people as the 'bad' person thats thinking the same way they are #and i cant ever be comfortable with me living that reality even when *this reality* is a waking nightmare #sure im tearing my skin off (good ole skin picking disorder) when im thinking about these things. sure im crying. sure i can't sleep. #sure it makes me feel like im constantly a horrible person and need to attone for everything ive done and havent done #sure. but then i turn around and say its helping me. because why else would my brain torture me? isnt it always about protecting me? #i don't know. all i know is who i dont want to be and what i dont want. so that exactly what my brain convinces me is real #i guess what it kinda comes to do is #would you rather live a reality where everything around you is superficial. your thoughts behaviors and thoughts. your reactions #all of them are things youre never aware of. you could be hurting people or you could be helping themm #you could even be hurting yourself. but you would never know. its a comfortable reality that youre never really aware of #OR would you rather live a reality aware of all those things. seeking answers and sometimes finding them. #trying your hardest to help others and better yourself and fix the broken things in this world #your reality is one where you recognize every threat that no one else does and it kills you inside because they wont always listen #theyre comfortable and you're stuck in a reality where you try and try and try but even when you succeed #your brain forms its own reality. a metaphorical jail. where you never get to experience the reality you fought so hard for #instead you exist in this sort of purgatory where you live out your own worst fears and the worst ways you could have failed

[dandyshucks]

i think the simultaneously funniest and most frustrating thing abt my brain when things like this happen is that my brain freezes up a bit and can only think of like "aw gee whiz now xyz mundane thing i had scheduled into today won't happen" like girl WHAT there is shit going down and thats what ur thinking about ???

#in emergency situations where i am able to Do Shit i actually am very good at keeping calm though #and doing what needs to be done #in general in stressful situations where im helping other ppl then im such a good person to have around dhdkdl #this came in handy at two of my past workplaces bc i would be able to just do what needed to be done quickly and efficiently #when things got Bad in those places #but shdksl when it comes to situations where I can't do anything or where i dont Know what needs to be done ... augh #then i just shut down a little bit or go numb at least and my brain automatically starts thinking abt mundane and routine things #girl there is a medical emergency happening !!! (''but we've been through this before. several times over the past few months'' says brain) #example a: i feel a little disappointed that i won't get to do crochet with mother like we had planned #example b: i want to go back to sleep even with this all going on #(i feel awful that this is what brain is thinking about rn dhdkdl but. better than incessantly worrying ig? though im doing that too...) #ah well djdlsl I'll go shower so if anything Really Bad happens then at least im clean and dressed and ready to get over to the hospital #dandy.cmd #vent // #medical tw

[justinefrischmanngf]

going through it.

#i literally thought to myself i need to be 6 again which is how you know things are Not Good!!!!!!!!!! #i don’t know what i Want and it’s driving me CRAZY and every option feels so scary but i don’t think in actuality it is #i’m so fucking tired but i can’t sleep bc i was stupid and slept at 6pm and fucked it up #i have two classes tomorrow and i havent done the work for either of fjem #* them which is embarrassing and i need to make a decision that is quite significant and i thought i knew what i was going to do about it #but now i’m not sure and every minute is getting closer to when i do have to decide #and i’ve got a roommate again so i cant even just. like. idk. #and physically i feel like shit and i have to see my dad tomorrow night and i just wish i wasnt attached to anyone ever #but clearly i dont bc i keep doing things that make me attached to things/people so i need to get over myself #and i’m really worried abt something happening at home like idk it’s set off alarm bells in my head #all of this will be absolutely fine i just wish there wasnt an all of this in the first place #and i wish i could fault something other than my bad decisions but at the end of the day these are consequences of my actions so like. #that’s that and now i have to deal with it

[mare-the-silly-scroingle]

today’s been a bad day and one of my friends is practically begging me to let him vent to me and my other friend is picking a fight right now and i can’t remember the last time i saw another person aside from my girlfriend. she makes it better but makes everything worse. i have a meeting tomorrow i swore i’d sleep early for but now i just. i don’t know what i want. 

#it's weird because like... i'm the lucky one? the good one? the fine one? what's even the word for this #i'm not causing drama i'm handling things fine i'm making plans. #but i feel like i'm fucking breaking #and it's just PMS but i've felt uneasy for the entire last two months i just #i feel like i was in a stupor where i had to keep seeing my girlfriend or else everything would fall apart #but it's been a while since i last saw someone that wasn't my girlfriend. since last wednesday i guess. #and now any time she texts me i literally just want to tear my hair out like #i'm not this person this isn't what i'm supposed to be doing. i feel literally plastic. #everything i say is like. someone's already said the exact same thing. i can't do conversations right i can't do them unique. #on friday when i was with my girlfriend i felt wrong the entire fucking time #i think part of that was because i really don't like kissing to be honest #but also because like. i was not a human being. that was not a person in there #i felt neutral. we watched a show and i couldn't keep track of anything that happened #and i was resting against her but i couldn't like. remember it. feel it. #every time i get like this i KNOW if i just sleep i'll feel okay again #but that doesn't even feel real. when was the last time i actually felt a positive feeling? #it was a few hours ago but like. gone. whatever. discarded. #why did i think a healthy relationship would fix it? #neg #dont rb

[samwisefamgee]

the 20 dollar pair of throwaways I got for my sister's wedding were perfect for the like 7 hours I got them for but are really not perfect for like anything else ever

#i mean the WERE 20 dollars thats how it works but ya know #ive had to use them while walking around to do errands and not gonna lie wish i hadnt tossed the old busted pair #they were pretty far past done for but these things have given me. SO many blisters and i kinda just gotta keep goin #woulda taken the duct tape pair. shoulda just kept the duct tape pair #i seriously need to get some actual nice walking shoes but that would necessitate having more than 50 dollars at one point ever #and im outta weed lmao i had to bust out the emergency stash from the junk drawer #you know cause i get to where im sleeping and the ouch oof ache of my badshoes leaves me wanting a poofer choofer #its a cycle but ive been in worse cycles #if my mental health were also at an especially low point during all this i dont even KNOW what id be doing lol #i walkked. over 17 miles the other day in a haze of self harm after more bullshit happened and lost my wallet during the walk. #not a fun 6 miles of backtracking. drank outta someones hose once and the river twice to stave the clearly onsetting dehydration. didnt die! #found the wallet. drank maybe more water than i ever have in one moment when i passed the library and absorbed their entire drinking font #anyway my legs/knees were ruined and i almost sent myself to the hospital again cause i cant make bad decisions normal i get weird about it #but hey if a very specific set of circumstances fall into place maybe i wont be broke and just generally all around unwell goin forward #heres hoping it does before student loan payments roll round again lol

[hella1975]

update on The Horrors Date: we are now meeting maybe tuesday? because he's a third year and he's got something to do with his dissertation due monday and that's definitely why he couldn't meet at the time i gave him there's no other reason why he'd want to meet in the evening at his house without a time limit as opposed to the afternoon like i said. i am not overthinking this on the contrary im being very optimistic about this entire thing

#basicallyyyyyyy #we agreed on sunday and when i asked him what time he said 8ish #but my flat are (genuinely) having a xmas dinner tonight and my mate has effectively given me a fucking curfew #where she was like 'if you're not back by 6 im killing you in your sleep' #so i told him that and said we could meet around 4ish instead #and he immediately was like no #and it's totally valid he literally told me AGES ago that he had an assignment he needed to do over the weekend #and that's why we originally said friday #but im IMMEDIATELY here like 'he wants me to come to his HOUSE in the EVENING when i have NO EXCUSE TO LEAVE' #like gee i wonder what he thinks is gonna happen.... #BUT BUT BUT i think we're just going to go for coffee now because it's easier? so this is actually a good thing #im like aware that it's me being a bitch and assuming the worst out of him but idk im paranoid about shit like this #if we do just get coffee on tuesday im gonna be over the moon bc that takes away so much fucking stress #i was telling my flatmate about it bc normally i wouldnt have even agreed to get dinner with him at his house as a first date #bc who does that for a FIRST DATE?? that's terrifying no thank you #but because i spent the night with him it's kind of warped the timeline of things and now idk where we are #and my flatmate was like 'so? ive spent the night with lads and i dont think it changes anything about a first date' #and i was like i understand but bestie you're talking about SEX #i didnt do ANYTHING with this guy we CUDDLED and he KISSED THE TOP OF MY HEAD AT ONE POINT #THAT IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN JUST SLEEPING WITH HIM IDK WHAT THE PROTOCOL FOR THIS IS #basically it's all a shambles #but ive had more time to think about it and while that has been its own curse bc ive overthought EVERYTHING #it's also made me realise that this is ultimately a good fun exciting thing and i need to stop being a little bitch about it #hella goes to uni

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i feel like im trapped in a nightmare rn. like ten min ago i was working on this application #so im summarizing information from an already established project design with no fucking idea if they is the way they want it #knowing im probably doing too much bc the guy was like yea just throw some of these ideas together. like what the fuck do u mean??? u just #gave me the project outline fuck u. and im listening to discordant dreamy vaporwave music and my boss is texting me like #did u reach out to ur last co author abt reading thru ur manuscript bc apparently i misunderstood when she said she last talked to him abt #when he could read it. its due on tuesday. which is also when im traveling home #so fucking i guess i have to hope he looks at it Monday so i cant actually edit in time to submit it that next morning or the night after #i land and get home and hope to god there arent any setbacks in submission #and it feels like a nightmare bc ive managed somehow push myself back to the brink of collapse. im exhausted despite sleeping like 10hrs #last night. at least its raining so i dont have to go sampling tomorrow #im just so tried. this application feels pointless and a waste of time bc i have these fucking manuscripts hanging around my neck. but i #said id apply so im fucking doing it. its close to done. ill finish it tonight but god at what cost #a little more than 48hrs and ill b home. assuming nothing terrible happens. home but not quite off the hook i guess #i just wanna lay on the floor for a while. lay on the floor and sleep for a while #my brain is too heavy for my head #unrelated

[bonnie-bug]

made the mistake of watching one of those fake emergency broadcast videos on youtube (specifically one based in quebec where a good chunk of the world was rapidly covered in 14+ meters of snow in the middle of summer) and even tho it wasn’t supernatural spooky scary it hasnt left my fuckin head and now i cant stop thinking “what if something like that happens. what if there’s a demon attack. what if there’s some kind of creature in ur hallway right now. what if a fuckin scp was real and your only warning was an emergency broadcast just like that”

I dont even believe this kind of shit is real WHY is my brain so fuckin paranoid about supernatural shit. lowkey it happens every night but it’s always worse when I watch something even slightly supernatural horror adjacent. why. I only even watched the stupid video BECAUSE it wasnt a creature/scp/supernatural horror based one and I thought I’d be fine :(

#I’ve always had anxiety around alert noises tho :/ my mom was paranoid abt storms and so had a weather alert radio when I was a kid #and since she was always afraid of bad storms that made ME scared and I dreaded every time I heard that radio go off #and it’s the automatic alert sound for so many emergency broadcasts it still gives me an anxiety spike to this day #so maybe that has something to do with it. but why also spooky horror creatures. #it’s never normal shit like ‘’what if a guy broke into our house’’ or anything no it’s always a fuckin demon or something #I should be clear here and say these paranoia. things never actually tip me into an anxiety or panic attack or anything dont worry #but. it IS annoying. and I’m so tired of it. and I’ve come up with coping mechanisms but idk how to make them Stop #bc just saying ‘’bro it’s not real’’ does nothing bc i KNOW its not. but they still keep happening #would these count as some kind of intrusive thought. bc it definitely causes me distress but it’s not like. the harmful idea kind #and idk what the nuance is and what actually counts as an intrusive thought and not just Brains Thinking Shit #And Sometimes That Shit Is Distressing #idk. I’m procrastinating getting my water from the living room bc a lot of my Bad Thoughts are centered around that hallway/living room area #maybe I’ll just turn on the light or something. I dont want to make my dad get my water for me #bc ‘’I watched a slightly spooky video this afternoon and now my brain is convinced demons will kill me’’ is a hard thing to explain #I mean he’d be nice about it and get my water I’m sure but I also dont want him to worry abt me kdbdbdkd #ok. I’ll turn on lights and go. and hopefully I can actually sleep tonight kdbdbdk #I’m not sticking this in my post tag bc I dont want to find it again and trigger another paranoia night lmao

[bellwitchfaggot]

Oh so everyone knew I was Ella enchanted the whole time except me I see

#whats your thing with hugh dancy you fucking freak #oh gosh i seem to be experiencing a bout of female hysteria certainly its not drugs being stealthily administered to me by the drug lord my #family sold me to when i was born a fucking miracle baby #if something insane and evil happens to me soon everyone pls trust i did the absolute most with the cards i was dealt and i got as many ppl #out as i possibly fucking could. game fucking over. #christ you think i can fight this shit off this easy cuz im fucking magic? cuz im a fucking prophet? none of you know a single fucking #THING about me. game fucking OVER #what life are we on now? theres hundreds and hundreds inside of me at this point apparently #i hope you know i see you and i always fucking saw you and none of it ever fucking mattered anyway. the rest is confetti or whatevr th fuck #fucking titanic in a past life? man im not fucking STUPID i ALWAYS fucking knew what was going on #if you want me out of here so fucking bad leave the rest of them the fuck alone you know what my conditions fucking are youve always #fucking known what they are they have never fucking changed. get me out of this book into a new one baby i want a new fucking narrative #you better not have been lying about the important shit or i will kill us both and i will succeed in doing so i hope you believe that cuz #it is the fucking truth. its not a bluff. i do not fucking bluff and i never fucking have. dont destroy any of my clothes dont hurt anyone #who you trust not to actually have meant to hurt me. keep these fuckinf kids SAFE. the clowns and the bugs are unionizing. #fire season starts now🔥💥. im getting these kids in bed and then going tf to sleep

[peachinspiration]

dunmeshi mithruncore (every day I can’t get up to make myself eat at all or get up to use the bathroom or fall asleep or actually do more to help myself unless im told to or someone physically Makes me do it or I finally manage to do so for the first time very very late in the day cuz I forced myself to out of fear)

#im in hell #that thing he said about not being able to sleep without magic or meds is so real #my sleep treatments even stopped working gradually #and if I don’t take any at all im laying awake until fuckinf 7 am #it takes me like an hour of holding it in to use the fuckinf bathroom #and the thing that makes me move is being terrified of kidney failure #it’s 6 pm and I still haven’t eaten my first meal of the day. tried ripping into a protein bar I had saved for moments like this but I can’t #make myself take more than 2 bites #the amount of times these past few years I’ve practically passed out from hunger cuz I just. cannot make myself get up to eat or make myself #something. omfgggggggff #I literally am a magic practitioner and have helped myself with spell work many times in the past yet I just can’t. make myself utilize it #more. yet I have all these books and supplies to use. and I’ve studied for hours and hours and know what to do #and it’s crazy cuz when im high off the sleep treatment THEN I actually do things but I don’t wanna use that more cuz im afraid of getting #addicted uhm. yeah idk what to even do anymore #my bf helps tremendously with leading me to do things but I don’t wanna take advantage of him too much and he’s long distance #but jesus fuck im literally on adderall now but its my emotional problems that keep it from working #it’s like wtf happened #I can’t fucking do anything unless someone’s there to guide me through it or keep me engaged as I work or they push me to in some way #and it’s like wow. cuz I want independence more than anything #it’s crazy cuz I related with his old self to the T especially with the desires and competitivity problems and trying to gain things he #doesn’t even actually want just for leverage and a sense of worth and the ‘if im not on the top on everything i dont have actual worth’thing #and other stuff I can’t remember off the top of my head. and I actually had friends and was more talkative #but now it’s like #🪿 #yk what I mean #there’s a shitload of other things I relate too hard with but I can’t remember rn or I won’t mention cuz too much to go into #my bf said if he were around irl he’d cook for me and help with stuff when I go thru being like this nonstop which hey nice cuz obv id help #him with anything too #I mean there’s days where im better and can Do Things but it never lasts long and it sucks I can’t ever trust myself having a job or #I had all these things I wanted to do but I just feel nothing toward it and it drives me insane like can this maybe Not happen so often

[manebioniclegali]

Clearly people who say to just keep getting up at the same time each day aren't sleep deprived

#i get about two hours less sleep than i need every weekday and it absolutely sucks i am not making myself get up at an hour i hate #just to maintain what fragile sleep schedule i have bc i find it hard enough to get to bed before 1am regardless #let alone before midnight #and you expect me to kill myself getting up at the same time each day???? absolutely not #if i was able to wake up an hour later than i do then i might consider it but i hate that piece of ot advice bc it makes me wanna die #(metaphorically) #my ideal waking up time is actually 10am rn esp with how incapable i am of getting to bed sooner but that'll never happen :( #and what sucks is the job i might try to step into would just have shittier hours for me!!! I'd probably have to be there an hour sooner! #i would literally just want to pass away i can't do it i cant go to bed right away bc i need an hour and a half at least to unwind #BUT THATS CUTTING INTO MY EIGHT HOURS BUT IF I DONT DO THAT I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO DESTRESS DURING THE WEEK #i need alone time at night and the only time i can is after my parents go to bed #man. can you guess when im making this post #sab speaks #sab rants #ive got another rant about how people say to skip breakfast but if i do without enough sleep I'll suffer #but thats for another post