#this is the most I've felt in days

[karda]

gentle reminder that if situations like these are affecting you mentally and you genuinely feel like your world is ending, you need to take a step back. parasocial relationships can be so dangerous for your well-being.

17yo me would be having a mental breakdown right now over this, and it took a while for me to realize that was a problem. its ok to be upset, but content creators are not your friends, and you don't know them. you can't let them have that kind of control over your mental health.

#i think most of my followers know this already but still. ive talked abt parasocial stuff before but witht he wilbur stuff I wanted t #wanted to say it again #I've seen a lot of people talk about the importance of his music to them and how thatd emotionally affecting them #and I've felt that with a lot of bands before to that get exposed for being shit #but at the end of the day you Have to step back. #find different music . take a step back. #rambling #discourse #wilbur situation #if my stance isnt already crystal clear #fuck wilbur and fuck abusers. fuck anyone who supports him 👍 #tw abuse

[lunarharp]

What led to this (orufrey comic, cw an uncomfortable/creepy scene)

#witch hat tag #orufrey #er.... i'm too tired to have anything to say..i worked several days on this. #wait.. didn't i say just recently here that i probably wouldn't ever depict 'what if alaira is qifrey's sort-of ex'. What's going on #i don't even remember deciding to draw this..it's all a blur..i'm not sure why i WOULD decide to draw delicate scenes in my head #that i wouldn't really want to share with anyone/discuss so why did i draw it... #some part of me really really wants to draw things that are more and more true to myself... #maybe because of my alienation with most romance/shipping/dynamics the rest of the world depicts. #orufrey really is perfectly suited to me - what i read in the text and what is in my head. well anyway #i am TIRED of drawing poses and angles and..maybe now i will actually take a break from drawing bc of the tediousness of Angles #btw it really is a 'stretch of time' . . . assuming witches graduate age 18-20 #well orufrey are canonically 30-ish. they've only had agott around for presumably about TWO years (?) bc she took the test age 10 #and it feels like oru moving in/unknown atelier acquisition/building (?) .. i guess that could be a year or so before agott at most #(she was the first disciple) so... ????????? What about the other 7 or so years ?!?!?!!?!?! Unemployed Brimhat Hatred era #that time is very nebulous. after qifrey went to the tower i feel like it's been implied he and oru drifted apart a little. #certainly they didn't live together at first... no way. that doesn't feel like how it is based on things oru has said about becoming Eye #idk. I'm tired now. i don't usually think of alaira as necessarily qifrey's ex and this being how things went in that 'sliver of time'. #i usually prefer the idea that they have their first kiss with each other in their 30s cause That's Just The Orufrey Lifestyle #just felt like making a more relatable alternative view of my own Cai Orufrey Canon one time. btw im a big monoshipper and it hurt a bit #let's leave it there. this is surely the most i've worked on a 'single' art - though now i realise just how much longer the fic took :')

[fictionadventurer]

There's something about reading really great writing that's so relaxing. You can just sit back and let the words wash over you, knowing that you can trust the writer.

#random thought of the day #books #part of the reason i'm not getting writing done today was because i spent most of my free time reading from books i've let sit for too long #i haven't been able to sink into good fiction for a while #so elizabeth goudge felt like a spiritual experience #cleansing and uplifting #it always takes me a while to get into her books #there's a learning curve of a couple of chapters to adjust to the style #but once i break through it's bliss #it becomes easy as breathing #there's nothing quite like what she does #i love books that understand that goodness isn't boring or trite #you don't need to have 'darkness' and 'grit' to be complex #like one bit that took my breath away was the talk about sallie and david's marriage struggles #they're both good people who love each other #but they also have their differences because they're human and that causes struggles #not marriage-breaking struggles just nuanced life struggles #and i'm not sure i've seen something like that in a book before #it's a good marriage they married the right people but that doesn't mean life is perfect #goudge uderstands that marriage isn't happily ever after--heaven is #and a good marriage is two people partnering up to help each other reach that goal #it's so much more adult than any 'complex adult' work i've seen

[pastafossa]

Charlie Cox experience at Philly Fan Expo 2023

So LET”S TALK ABOUT ME MEETING CHARLIE. I’m actually going to make two posts - this one just about my experiences with Charlie, because they were incredibly meaningful and deserve their own post, and then another one about the rest of the con!

I’m going to talk about Charlie first, because of how amazing the experience was, one of the best I’ve had, especially at the autograph table. I’ve done photos, gotten autographs and such before from other celebs - from niche voice actors I loved to people like David Tennant - but this felt Really Really Big. Obviously, I was nervous as all hell because holy shit Charlie Cox, my favorite actor whose work altered the course of my life. I won’t lie - I’d been practicing what to say to him in case I freaked out, but I’m happy to say that everyone who reassured me it would go great, because he was so, so genuine and kind, were right.

The photo op happened first (and thank you to everyone on tumblr guiding me where to go, cause I was LOST about where that was happening), and that went fast. By that point in the con hall, I’d already ditched my Jessica Jones jacket and gloves cause holy shit it’s hot and I am a creature of snow and ice, and my hair was a mess, but honestly I didn’t care, cause there he is. You don’t get long, but he made the most of it and he was SO sweet. Ya’ll, he asked my name, said my name as he shook my hand, and called me ‘my dear’ in that beautiful voice.

I was literally on the moon, but it was time for the big question:

Will he hold the red thread from TRT?

So in a quiet, nervous, soft author voice, I asked, ‘would you be ok with holding this end of the thread?’

HE FUCKING DID.

HE HELD IT.

HE HELD. THE. RED. THREAD.

I’m fairly certain he doesn’t know about the fic at this point - he wasn’t sure where to hold it until I told him, but he loved that it lit up! AND THEN HE PUT HIS ARM AROUND ME AND I GOT TO PUT MY ARM AROUND HIM BACK.

I’m fairly certain I’m dead in the photo. My soul had left my body. I had ascended. I saw Jesus and he looked like Charlie. I had achieved fic author heights never imagined. My brain filled with enough serotonin and dopamine to sink a ship. I didn’t care that I was hot and sweaty or that my hair was messy or that my cosplay didn’t work out like I’d planned. I had been blessed.

also look at that forearm holy shit

I floated outta that gd room ya’ll. I’m pretty sure @wonderlandmind4​ did the same. WE FROLICKED OUT OF THAT HALL LIKE

But things got even better at the autograph table, and I had one of the most touching experiences ever.

not me tearing up thinking about it.

That line was long, but I kept getting glimpses of him and I could already tell he was enjoying interacting with people, and he was making sure everyone got their bit of time with him instead of letting anyone rush people through. He was so happy looking, laughing and grinning, high fives and fist bumps for kids, chatting with fans. Which made me feel a little more confident.

I know some people wondered if I’d tell him about TRT, and I’d already decided I wasn’t going to. Instead, I really, really wanted just a second to tell him what his work as Daredevil had meant for me, as someone who became disabled around the same time Matt did as a kid, and who related to... a lot of what Matt went through in the show. I’d practiced it over and over again, and there was only a fifty percent chance I wouldn’t start crying while telling him, and I wasn’t even sure I’d have time to tell him depending on how much time we had.

He made time.

I got up to him with my art print holy shit he’s even more beautiful in person and his eyes are STUNNING. He said hi, and asked my name so he could personalize the autograph if I wanted (DUH, YES PLEASE), and he apologized about the line after we shook hands. I jokingly told him it was fine since I’d driven hours to get here. A little time in line wasn’t a bother. He even loved one of the buttons on my lanyard - the button of Matt wearing a heart crown specifically! And as he was writing, I knew this was my chance to tell him. He was still signing, so I just decided to go for it in case I ran out of time.

“I just wanted to tell you,” I said quietly, “as someone who became disabled as a kid around the same age as Matt did—”

And then he did something I didn’t expect, something I’d rarely seen anyone do, famous or not, and something I’d never had an actor or artist do for me.

He immediately set down the pen, leaned in close over the table, and made direct eye contact, while giving me the most genuine, gentle, encouraging smile I’d ever seen.

In that moment, I knew everything in him was listening, that he cared about what I was about to say and recognized that this was important to me, and that he’d closed the distance to make this conversation just... us. It felt personal in a way I’ve never experienced at a con or signing.  

Just like that, I wasn’t afraid to tell him what I’d wanted to.

“And as someone who related to... a lot of what Matt went through, his struggles in the show, and especially the dark parts of season 3,” I said, more confidently now, “I wanted you to know that all the work you put in, the way you played it, the way you played Matt and treated it seriously, seeing that helped me process and heal from a lot of my own trauma and pain over what I’ve gone through with my illnesses. What you did was important and it really helped me. So I wanted you to know that, how much that meant to me, and to say thank you.”

The whole time I spoke to him, he kept direct eye contact, and didn’t look away once. He didn’t get antsy, or look like he wanted me to hurry up (which I’d have understood, cause damn, these are long days for him). He listened, fully engaged and leaning in, his eyes warm and soft and kind but incredibly serious. I’m not sure how often he’s been told something like this—a lot, I expect; his portrayal was just that good, and I know it was important to a lot of fans—but what I was trying to tell him clearly meant something to him. I felt heard, seen, and understood.

Charlie really does care about his fans. It isn’t an act. I’m sure of it now.

“Thank you, truly,” he said, just as quietly but with that honest smile, eye crinkles and all, and seeing it in person, that close up, I swear the room felt ten times brighter. “Thank you for coming to tell me that. It means a lot, the idea that something I did meant so much and that it could help you. I’m so grateful that you were able to come visit and tell me.”

We shook hands after that. He wished me a good day and I told him thank you again, and that was that. The interaction only lasted maybe a minute, but it meant the absolute world to me, as did what he’s done as Daredevil. And now he knows that.

#Philly Fan Expo #Charlie Cox #Daredevil #he HELD THE THREAD ya'll #my fanfic author life is now complete #and honestly as a fan i don't know if any other experience will ever top those moments I got with Charlie #he is so so kind and warm and wonderful #the way he immediately stopped and gave me his full attention when i started to tell him what it meant #i just had to stop for a second and collect myself because just... #he was *listening* and despite all the noise and chaos i suddenly had his full attention #the way he leaned in so the conversation felt like it was just us and the way he cocked his head and focused on me like #i can't think of a single celeb or interaction like that where i've felt that much like what i was saying to him mattered #(that's not dissing the other actors and celebs i've met. they've all been wonderful! but charlie definitely has a special kindness i think) #and i can now say having been that close to him and having spoken with him over something fairly serious #he is literally one of the kindest celebs i've met and the most genuine #you can literally see the warmth in his eyes when he looks at you. he's *legitimately* happy you're there to talk to him or see him #maybe one day he'll find out about TRT. i'm honestly not sure #but even if he doesn't at least I got a chance to tell him how much what he's done has helped me heal #from a lot of really... really hard things in my life #and according to a friend (who I didn't even know was there but spotted me talking to Charlie from another line!) #Charlie did indeed stay until WAY late signing everyone's stuff so that no one missed an autograph #he said his estimation of Charlie just shot way up because even hours later he was still taking his time with each fan that came up #Charlie has absolutely solidified as my favorite actor and one of the nicest people I've had the pleasure of meeting

[zebratimw]

#svsss #scum villains self saving system #shang qinghua #how I be feeling these days ahdnfjgkg #I keep stressing about life in general and its seriously bumming me out hajdjg #how nice it would be to not exist #everyday I wake up and do the same things I hate #time hasn't felt real in years and it goes way before covid times #I haven't felt real in most of those years either #Look I'm lucky I'm not like depressed or whatever but frankly this derealization shit is seriously startin to get a little worrying at times #tbf I only really notice it recently so maybe its just a bias #I've been chugging along this way for years all thats changed is my perception of it #but at the same time I really want to do more too #I get I'm a very boring and unreliable person #and I know I just said its my perception of it but like I do genuinely think my social skills my general living just like me mentally ig #I'm kinda deteriorating in my stagnation ig? artistically too but more worrying in my life idbfjg #priorities sorry anyways I also think I do have adhd or something and that rejection thing dhfjgjg I really can't start things anymore #idk I really just feel so clueless in most things now and I'm too scared or too confused or both to start fixing things #like how do I even fix things? what do I even search for in this kind of thing? #Idk I'm just gonna go sleep ig god I'm so tired of everything #I haven't been able to draw I've really lost passion for a lot of things again and everything irritates me #I can't stand my phone sometimes but it's kinda the only thing getting me through it all ha #ngl I wish I were depressed sometimes if only so I'd actually have the balls to do smth but Ik that's just the Metnally Ail part speaking so #chug chug going along #I also have to make wushi before I die. haha #god my life is so empty #what am I even doing #I'm really so tired why can't my life end here already? modern lifespans are too long how am I supposed to keep going on like this? #so pointless and vapid and its just me ? why did it have to be me that was born? couldn't someone else have been here I hate it here so much #I strive for nothing but I have such a long life and so many people to disappoint haha maybe I should go outside more

[ianontopp]

Ian Day prompt: Some Ian x Spencer action. Old married couple vibes.

Why are you so right!

#anonymous #ian's day #my art #spencian #spian #idk which tag i prefer ah well #my first step was to look up spencian content for “research” and i immediately found ian saying they're 10 years married #it felt like the stars aligned o7 #shared dark humor. the most casual pda. backseating each other's games (affectionately) #i'm very on board now that i've pondered it...thank u anon

[joeal-kaysani]

OFMDBLOG 1k Celebration Event Day 3 — "This is Happening" Moment

#our flag means death #ofmdblog1k #ofmdedit #stede bonnet #ed teach #blackbeard #edits #oc #* #rolls up to this event three days late with starbucks #this is the first scene i ever giffed from this show and it was because it was my 'this is happening' moment for them #everything up to this point i felt could be written off as comedic (the stabbing and even the almost-kiss) #or platonic even if it was incredibly charged (the bathtub scene just before this) #but when they kept cutting back to ed's face during the sword fight something clicked like 'oh. oh my god ed is actually in love with him.' #it wasn't being played for laughs and i wasn't just seeing things #so it's a weird choice but it truly was that moment for me #props to taika for looking like the most besotted and horniest man i've ever seen in my life in the last gif bc that really cinched it #gentlebeard

[cold-neon-ocean]

Posting this by itself because :) I just feel like he should have gotten to wear the mech pilot suit at least once..

(my AU black version and the og green)

#Legend of Korra #Baatar Jr. #LoK #WIP #[ since this is from something silly I wanted to post this bit because he is serving very cunty #even if you know he's talking about accidentally ingesting caustic chemicals lol #this was def self indulgent but also why couldn't he have worn the suit at least once sobs #we had one chance #I don't actually think he uses the mech suit hardly ever even though he has his own personal one #but on rare occasions he does and gets in this outfit and Kuvira are you okay? Are you good? Has anyone checked on her? #I feel like this outfit is what causes her to take a serious sanity hit LOL #she just drags him away by the hood and no one sees them again for like 4 hours #or she's just like “You know what I think he could use my help :)” and proceeds to be everything but helpful #idk how anything in this regime gets done I swear #the most Baatar ever used the mech suits was when they were first being built #idk dude I love a man in a working uniform sobs #I knew someone would recognize the mech pilot suit hehe that made me smile because yeah :))) #it felt good to draw Baatar again sobs I love him so much I've missed him #I do kinda wish this sketch was cleaner but I wanted to at least post it now in case I never did lol #I should to a proper illust of him in the pilot suit one day just for the pure self indulgence of it all #give myself a lill treat you know? ] #Neon Ocean Art

[zhongrin]

signed back up on an IM app (bc the nice man uses that app more often, and i thought well why not) and a random guy whom i met through a dating app 3 years ago immediately sent a message..... i'm..... gods....

#rin rambles #for context this guys used to text me 'wyd' several times a day. everyday. and answers with like 'yep' 'no' 'cool' and disappears- #-ala tuxedo mask #so i felt like 0 connection and said 'hey this isn't working out sorry' #why do you still have my contact saved?????????????? #ITS BEEN 3 YEARS?????????? #i'm #??????????? #why are guys so creepy sometimes i can't #am i overreacting??? i- dear god idk anymore #atp I've experienced the worst guy to the most gentlemanly guy in this universe i think

[kaurwreck]

fav chuuya trivia: he’s a lightweight and a wine collector. combine it with the fact that poisons a weakness for him, ability wise, and too much alcohol is in fact poison. he chooses that often.

bonus: combine that with the fact that dazai’s coming of age came with going to a bar, and i don’t know what that means

anon cause shy

Untitled I. My dear, even though you treat me kindly, I'm stubborn. After we parted last night, I went drinking and berated some weakling. This morning, Waking up, I remember your kindness And sadly reflect on my vile behavior. And now, I, a total fraud, will here confess that, without shame, Stripped of all dignity, and therefore lacking honesty— I was urged on by my own illusions, raving mad. [...] III. In this world we sadly live in like this, your heart— Don't let it grow stubborn my dear Because I hope for intimacy with you Your heart— don't let it grow stubborn my dear.

[Excerpted from Poems of the Goat, written by Chuuya Nakahara, translated by Ry Beville]

#bsd chuuya #chuuya nakahara #bungo stray dogs #japanese poetry #thank you for sharing!! #no need to explain anon to me #you are entitled to your mysteries and boundaries and bashfulness #i have anon on because i feel comfy and fine with people engaging however feels most comfortable to them #also i'm going to avoid commenting on what y'all share because i'm already sharing in return by offering up chuuya poetry that strikes me #and because i don't want anyone to think that a lack of a more specific response isn't because i didn't go !!!!! at what they shared #(this exercise is designed so I can also work throughout the day while getting chuuya enrichment) #BUT #alcohol IS poison and that's something I've thought about a lot in my framing of it for myself and generally #but I've never connected it with chuuya's vulnerability to poison and how it is such an equalizer #and how when shirase wanted to ground him and render him someone shirase felt he could face both honestly and to fight he poisoned him #i wonder if alcohol makes chuuya feel a teeny bit more visceral and real and like a person in a body #rather than an experiment or a leader or an act of violence or the salve to someone's loneliness or the vessel of a storm #or someone who wants terribly to lead and protect but is so unsure of himself because of how much he understands the gravity of that role #which isn't to say i think he doesn't want to be a leader and doesn't want to be an act of violence or a salve or a liberated ex-experiment #all of these things and the choices he's made for and because of and despite these things are inextricable from who he is #but every so often #it's nice just to be flesh and electricity

[icewindandboringhorror]

........creachure

#cats #his eyes are always so big and weird he no longer looks like a cat anymore sometimes.. in a way... #it's hard to understand.. complicated vibes on this boy #his summer sprawl (laying flopped out on the floor weird because of the heat) #I AM still trying to get some costumes done and also post another poll advtnure so I can finally finish it lol #the weather this month has just been soooo.... There was the heat wave and then after like 2 days of coolenss where I was like 'ah! finally #I can be productiv!' but just as soon as I had recovered from the heat.. it got hot again ghhhh #currently sweating inside. I actually had to leave my doctors appointment early today because I was just so so warm from #sitting in the car and the fac tthat half the buildings still do not have their air up very high and etc. and I felt so nausous #and flushed and started to get back and stomach pains for some reason.. Which I guess is good in a way to further confirm to doctors that #I Have Something Wrong With Me lol (most normal people should not be this heat sensitive I think) but is also still a little stinky #because I still payed a copay for the fulla appointment time but cit it short by leaving 15minues early.. grrr #ANYWAY. It seems like recently it's just hot all the time but it will ocasionally tempt you with a cool day of reprieve BUT don't let your #guard down! because as soon as you start to think 'hey things are getting better! :0' the sun will be like NO actualy. scalding temperature #be upon ye.. #Which of COURSE. I would rather have hot weather with little breaks in between than just constant hot weather. 100% definitely. #but it just always makes me sad because I get my hopes up lol.. JUST as I've recovered from the past heat and am So Ready To Start #On All My Things now That I'm Not As Sick And Hey Maybe It's Even Cool Enough To Do A Costume! .. my hopes are dashed #.. woe and so on and so forth. . Which I am stil managing to get a few things done but just.. not the things I really WANT to do (costumes. #sculptures. edit videos. etc. ). #anyway.. look at son.. If nothing else I still have lots of cat photos.. my sole productivity offerings to the internet online world

[runefactorynonsense]

Cozytober - Day 11 - Candles

#Cozytober #Margot's RF Art #Rune Factory #RF #RF1 #Rune Factory frontier #RF Frontier #Dude last night was the most sleep I've gotten in like a WEEK. I felt so relaxed working on the bg to this #Before this I'd slept in like 3 hour spurts for a few days in a row. Lordy. Tired #Also inspired by my sister's love for scented candles. She has SO many EVERYWHERE. Perfect to read or chill to in her opinion #Tagging as both games Rosetta is in though I grabbed room screenshots to RF1 due to easy emulator resource #I like to think she visits dad back in Kardia a lot so maybe she's chilling for the night before heading back #Rune Factory Rosetta #RF Rosetta

[suddencolds]

~

#not snz #more musings 📝 / mini vent: #not sure why my social battery is so limited 😭 and also so inconsistent #i feel like i can't sustain the amount of... like continued/consistent enthusiasm i see others giving esp in group settings #i just don't know how to engage in that way without burning out #over the past few weeks i've been stuck in like #a strange state where i can't muster the energy to properly respond to even the people i'm most excited to reply to #which is strange?? #(and if that is you i am sorry 😭 i love you and i will get back to you) #i think i can't even like manage to get myself into the mindset of enjoying something for myself (eg. a conversation with a friend) #i think a part of it is the stress from work leeching into my personal life #i feel like i've been working so hard and for such long hours but its the kind of work where the progress i've made is very hard to track?? #:( i just want to be off of ******* work so i can work on ******* work again #i also want to get ahead enough on everything in my life so that i write y+v D: #i feel like i haven't had a properly restful day in weeks... even over the weekend i was busy attending to others' needs #i just want a break from it all... but i dont have enough time to take off... but i dont know how much more of this i can take #i remember also feeling during uni like i was drowning #like there were simply not enough hours in a day to deliver everything i promised. it's such an awful feeling #i just feel defeated. like i've felt exhausted for weeks and weeks on end and like i spend every waking hour working on something or other #but ofc there is nothing to do but to keep at it 😭 other people can handle all of this and more #there are so many people i refuse to let down

[vraska-theunseen]

google how to not be sosososo anxious all the time. its not even like stress that motivates me to get things done it's just like. i make a mistake and misunderstood instructions in class and my teacher is like "you were supposed to figure out precisely where 180 was before taping the draft and punching your marks" when i like an idiot guesstimated it and after a moment of me going "oh..." bc its something i can't fix bc i've already punched in all the holes on the part he's like "i think you'll be okay" and goes back to what he's doing and then for three hours im like he's so annoyed with me i bring things to him too much and ask him too many questions and make the stupidest mistakes every day he hates me. i ask a friend something and they don't respond because they're busy or forget about it or don't see it or any number of other reasons and then a couple weeks later i send them something else and they don't respond for a few hours and its enough time for me to convince myself i said something a while ago that they took offense to without realizing and they're ignoring me and i send another message saying "are you mad at me did i do something can you tell me what i did so we can work it out" and he's like "what?". a friend posts about people treating them badly in a way that's clear they're talking about a specific phenomenon or person and im always like omg are they talking about me did i do something bad and not realize it... and its someone i talk to so infrequently and casually it obviously would not be a concern or someone i've known for so many years that they would obviously come to me if there was any conflict that arose. help

#alex talks #one time that friend from the second example had to rescind an invitation for me to come to shabbat dinner bc he said his parents were #hosting an important rabbi and didn't want their sons friends dicking around in the house and i was like ok i get it and then another friend #mentioned to me something that implied they were still going to the friend's house and i had 2 class periods to stew and get anxious and #paranoid and think like does he hate me? does he just not want to invite me specifically? do his parents not like me did they ask him not to #invite me specifically? and then in advisory we're both just sitting there and im like 'so do your parents hate me' and he's like 'what????' #and i'm like 'jakob said they were still going to your house' and he's like '????? my parents told jakobs parents they could come and stay #overnight bc their parents are out of town so jakob has to come over' and i was like 'oh. sorry' and felt so bad about it for the entire day #honestly? now that im thinking about it so many times i've been like manic in that friends dms about something they said that i've made 10 #leaps of logic over so in my head they said a completely different thing but to them i just sound insane and like i'm taking them in the #most bad faith i possibly can. which i guess really i am but i just get so worried #hm i guess manic is a specific word for a mental health symptom idk how else to describe it like i call him and leave a voicemail where ive #worked myself to tears over something i can't even remember now. maybe hysteric? #nobody reads these right

[woozi]

me getting increasingly anxious without a dolo (dino solo) update with each passing day

#it must be soon knowing how ​na pd accidentally revealed it... and then he himself confirmed it on a live........ #i cant even imagine the day COMING #OUGHHHHH its gonna be over for me fr i'm gonna become the most annoying dinonara u've ever seen all over again #was just watching nolto and i couldnt stop smiling at him ​i forgot how much i liked that lil dude 😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔 #and i didnt realize how much i really missed the svteenies!!! #it's really has been a hot minute since i've been Here here and even after all this time- #-theyre still able to make me feel the same way i've felt abt them when i first started liking them #i've never ever liked anything or anyone this long lmfao they really are Something to me #ANYWAY sorry for going off on a tangent i cant wait for dolo 😋😋😋 #y.txt

[silenthillbunni]

📓🕯️🐇🖤pt.2

#only 30 tags lol i ran out... so furthermore #we only get one life. im gonna try as much as i can to enjoy the little moments. nd to not give up on myself nd my life #i will die one day anyway. why rush it. i'll enjoy as many books and as many walks and songs and tv shows as possible #if i get a loan nd have more money i wanna bleach my hair nd dye my hair green #and later this year i think i might change my name #it was the name i wanted to change to from the beginning. but i was in such a bad headspace i just picked eden at random #i do kinda like it now nd im attached to it but i more feel like this other name actually is me. my birth name nd my current name dont feel #really right. so maybe. i havent decided yet. like i rlly dont know. im also attached to this name for some other reason. like it's who i am #to a person i rlly like and if i change... will i be anything to them? i cant put it into words but that makes me hesitate #but it's unhealthy to stay attached to someone i cant truly have even if i want to. so i mean. idk im just weird abt it #but i do kinda wanna change my name (to embla. my mom wanted to give me that name but my dad was like nooo >.<) i am not 100% sure tho so #when i've been getting used to going to school nd working out at the gym. nd after my surgery nd i have more energy #i will try to face my avpd and try apps for making friends. there r two apps where u can find new girl friends!! maybe i can try that #also like i've never tried apps but i think maaaaaybe i can use bumble to try to find friends and women to date. potentially. idk..... #rn it's hard for me to think in those terms bc. i mean i am hung up on someone!!!! i cant evwn imagine dating or being intimate w anyone els #sometimes i feel like.. they're the only person i've ever felt like it'd even be possible. who i'd event want to do that w #not only physically but emotionally. so ig it's even harder to let go bc im so scared i will never feel like that w anyone else #but i rlly need to try to make the most of whatever life i have. the world will collapse soon anyway #that makes me even more sad that i cant be w who i wanna be w nd do what i wanna do but #all pain will all be completely descimated eventually. it's not forever bc life isnt forever #i've just never felt this before. like i want smth to be real so bad but if it happened once surely it can happen again? right? #i wont spend my life alone without intimacy and love and comfort nd support nd understanding right???? :o hope not #im still so sad nd exhausted rn. nothing in my life is working nd theres no repreive nd no help #it gets sooo hard to endure everything sometimes when everything just keeps piling up and gets so heavy it feels like im drowning #nd atm i dont feel like i have any anchor. nothing that keeps me grounded nd im just floating away nd im constantly being overwhelmed by my #feelings nd emotions. im like a stupid little kid who dont understand how to handle what im feeling. or make rational decisions #i feel so ... stupid and useless. i dont know what im doing. i have no idea. i have no compass. its so scary