#this is so stressful i feel like i dont know anything | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

crystalandbow · 2 days

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PICK A PILE🤍

CALL OUT EDITION

Pile 1 is beach, pile 2 is garden, pile 3 is swans. Take the reading with a grain of salt and only take what resonates 🤍

If you liked the reading, lmk! & Follow for more

Hello pile 1👋🏻

Or should I say hello my mama bears

lol anyways let's begin!!!

The cards that you got: 2 of swords, ace of coins, the emperor and the ace of cups.

Okie so The 2 of swords really sums it up for y'all, the others cards just confirm it more. like you guys are torn between 2 options/paths/things/ whatever. Making a decision is important because It seems like this has been on your mind for some time and is bugging you ? Taking up all your mental energy/stamina. *like a vampire/jk* most of y'all already know which path you want to choose but for some reason you haven't locked in your answers is what I am feeling. And now it's time to make a decision! It might be that you are afraid for some reason, you have this fear of what if things go wrong or something like that or it might be that you are unable to make a decision because both options seem equally tempting.

I think you can choose any path because they will have decent results. The advice or call-out message is that whatever you chose to do for your situation, stick with it. Its not about the options it's about you! The reason why I called you guys mama bear is because that is how you should deal with your current situation. Chose whichever path you want, fight or flight. But stick with it! Know that what you did was absolutely okay!! You have to embody the emperor's energy (of being bold and authoritative, because it is your life, do not fall for anything that doesn't feel right )

The ace of cups tells me that you guys should make a decision using your heart ( feelings & intuition) because afterall you know what's best for you! follow your intuition/gut feeling, don't be afraid of anything YOU ARE THE EMPEROR & YOU'VE GOT IT !

Keywords: stability, bravery & action. Facing fears/oppositions, gut feeling

Ig thats it, lmk how I did and only take what resonates 🤍 have a good day/evening/night

Hello pile 2 👋🏻

Cards you got: 3 of cups, death, 2 of cups & 9 of cups

I'm getting the word "love potion" for guys, I mean we do have alot of cups *the 2,3 and nine of cups* woah! That's alot of emotions. I'm also getting the word "self acceptance" all the cards are so positive but it doesn't feel that good? Something feels heavy? And a Lil stressful yk? I think the message for you guys is opening up yourself.

Y'all might have the habit of guarding yourself, but many times sometimes you just end up over doing it, leaving you feeling sad? Y'all feel that you are different from others in a sad way and that you have to put up this "fake" self to fit in. You try to be like others / everybody around you in public and this needs to change, atleast your mindset that people won't accept you for who you are. Change is needed! Stop blaming it on other exteranl reasons. Do you even know who you actually are? Do you accept yourself? Do you love/care about yourself? Do you prioritise your needs first? Its not always others, sometimes it's our fault that we let people treat us like that! The two of cups imagery is giving me mirror energy, it looks like there's a mirror between the two peeps and they are actually the same person but also different at the same time like it's just their "other side" yk? How you view yourself, and how you let yourself be you truly. Love your inner child. Death talks about how you need to embrace all your different sides and be yourself, be unique & don't try very hard just to "fit in"

The nine of cups is here for advice and it talks about prioritising your needs first & putting yourself on the pedestal! Whether it be in romantic relationships or platonic or any relationship

Call-out message: DONT BE AFRAID TO BE YOURSELF let yourself be! Accept love, prioritise your emotional needs first!!!

Ig thats it, lmk how I did and only take what resonates 🤍 have a good day/evening/night

Hello pile 3 👋🏻

Cards you got: the strength, justice, devil & the star.

Surprisingly all major arcanas😭I really wanna know what's going on with y'all. Like what MAJOR shit is going on lmao

Anyways here's my interpretation for you guys: you guys are working hard towards some goals of yours. I'm getting the vibes that the world told you what you think or thought once upon time is unrealistic and unachieveable but to you it feels like "inner- calling". you have started working towards it and might have achieved/ overcome certain milestones and mini achievements that you should be proud about and if not then you should know that they hard work that you have put in WILL workout and you will gain the fruits for you dedication. One thing you should possibly avoid is arrogance and / or greed attachments will be different for everybody, basically avoid the temptations of the devil. Don't believe you're at the top of the world and for some it's not getting overly obsessed with results,etc. Everything will workout at the right time. The justice card over here is likely talking about getting your results. Call-out message for y'all could be to choose the path of hard work & patience instead of shortcuts and unfair means. The star card is asking you to stay optimistic regarding your work to know that it will all be worth it, you will get your answers and result just keep working hard and have pure intentions

So yeah basically, just on the right track, keeping working hard, don't fall for temptations like shortcuts, procrastination, unfair means,etc be patient and you will be good to go

Ig thats it, lmk how I did and only take what resonates 🤍 have a good day/evening/night

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oswald-can-draw · 2 days

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About your mlp infection au!! I love this one so much I'm so interested!! Maybe give us a rundown of a couple of the survivors and how equestrias chances are looking? How did the ponies infected by black magic change and mutate? Can spike or other species like dragons, griffins and zebras get infected since they dont have cutiemarks? Are foals who dont have cutiemarks yet immune until they get their cutiemark? How does that play in? Im so sorry if this is too many questions, I really love this au and I think its really cool!!! Its a really well thought out idea and I think its awesome!!! :D I hope you have a nice day! ❤️

Someone being an autistic beast about my work is the highest compliment, so never apologize for that!

But, boy howdy, have we got a lot of ground to cover!

Let’s take it step by step:

1. FOALS

Foals (or those without their cutie mark), are a very complex cog in this AU. On one hand, they don’t have their cutie mark, so they can’t be infected, as there is no magic to corrupt. Great!

The bad news? Getting one’s cutie mark is often an unplanned thing, which means any foal can become susceptible to the Meanie Mark Virus at any time. There are many ways to deal with this.

One common one is to wrap the foal’s flank with compression gauze. Half a desperate idea, and half a way to forget their child’s vulnerability (or to hide when they DO get a cutie mark). Somepony suggested that it could “keep back” a cutie mark, and the rest of the populace decided to go with it.

Another way is to just try and keep the foal from anything that interests them. This works to a point, but the stress from their friends and family on the brink of death every day, and now any sliver of joy that they can find in this hellscape is strictly forbidden. This can cause a once rare, but quickly becoming more common developmental condition known as “Muted Cutie”. This causes a cutie mark to appear, but it’s based off of an outside tension, such as familial pressure, cutie conditions, and lack of input. It’s like a magical wisdom tooth — keeping the actual cutie mark from developing and causing pain and stress to the pony.

The third option is a last resort: quietly “taking care” of foals that were of cutie mark age or freshly marked.

Having a foal of a certain age can bar you from going into certain populated areas, getting ample supplies, and even contact with other ponies.

Of course, this is EXTREMELY traumatizing for the foal. Feeling like they aren’t wanted and that they aren’t allowed even the smallest of joys can make life miserable.

2. OTHER SPECIES

* Zecora’s redesign is based off of the Karo tribe, a small tribe famous for body painting and self expression. Though I have done as much research as I can, there is still room for error. If there is something inaccurate, please let me know so I can fix the redesign accordingly.

Other species may not get the Meanie Mark illness, per se, but they do have reactions to parts of the evil clones that seep into the soil or the corpses of already infected ponies.

Griffins, for example, get something similar to food poisoning, with nausea, vomiting, and unseasonal molting. This is their body attempting to purge the toxins. Their flying also becomes affected, with severe bouts of vertigo and lost sense of direction. For the average, healthy griffin, this usually only lasts a week or so. However, if a griffin is elderly, injured, or any sort of health condition, this infection could be fatal. Fortunately, since griffins are so far from the Everfree Forest and spend so little time on the ground, this sickness is very rare, especially with certain security measures set in place.

Dragons are even luckier. Their stomachs are able to digest any trace of the infection, neutralizing it before it can cause any real damage. However, there is a phenomenon that has been unearthed due to dragons. The gems found near their volcano-filled home can actually be infused with the disease. The only sign of this having occurred is a slightly darker hue and a “rotten” taste, according to the dragons. A few dragons have been enlisted to dispose of infected material, as them consuming it is the only way it can be disposed of without putting more ponies at risk. Not many are up for the task.

Zebras, on the other hoof, have quite the reaction to infected material. While they aren’t infected with the true disease, the special, magical markings and body paint can give the bacteria something to feed on. This can cause weakness, confusion, gastrointestinal distress, rashes, burns, irritability, and even aggression. Zebras often have to be quarantined from the rest of their tribe in order to keep the disease from spreading and the victim from hurting anyone or anything. Removal of paint and markings can help, and are often reapplied after recovery, with additional markings showing their bravery, strength, and health. Unfortunately, some of them do not survive.

Any other living thing, including birds, mammals, plant life, and insects all have generally poor reactions upon exposure. Common themes in symptoms include weakness, vomiting, and confusion. Plants will turn away from the sun. Dogs will whine and curl into a ball. Birds will run into things and screech. Survival depends on the age, health, size, and care plan of a creature. Among them, usually about 73% survive.

Though no other species has the guaranteed death from the disease that ponies do, it can still cause some nasty, or even deadly, side effects.

3. BLACK MAGIC

Since the Meanie Mark Illness is already a form of black magic, just more widespread and deadly, the disease has horrendous effects on those who have already succumbed to dark magic.

Though it’s a rare instance, the phenomenon has been observed. Whether the black magic or the illness comes first, it always begins and ends the same way:

First, a pony becomes much, MUCH more powerful. Instead of gradually gaining this talent through the virus, their black magic reaches a feverish pitch. The pony begins to have uncontrollable displays of magic, usually of the destructive kind. Explosions, rays, death, and evil spells emanate from them without stopping. This has caused many hasty villains to try and catch the famous Meanie Mark Illness — with this power, they think, taking over the world would be easy.

Second, the two opposing powers battling for control inside the pony begin to destroy the victim from the inside. See, the reason why ponies become a husk-like corpse and turn to dust at the end of the Meanie Mark’s cycle is because of the Tree of Harmony’s magic fighting the dark magic of the virus, which ends up destroying the pony in the process. But with the black magic far overpowering the Tree of Harmony, the pony has a different problem — their body can’t handle such raw power.

The pony’s hair begins to fall out, their veins swell, their skin begins to blacken with gangrene as less and less blood goes to extremities. The pony ends up rotting from the inside out, black sludge oozing from their mouth and eyes, magic still pouring out of them. Their cutie mark, both subdued from the virus and given immense power from the black magic, sputters and shines and pulses.

Finally, a pony will die within a few days, their corpse zombified and rotting. However, those who do survive the ordeal have poor quality of life, as their joints, brains, and some of their organs hardly work anymore. They will live either as a wandering corpse or a patient for their friends and family to take care of until their demise in the near future.

In other words, this is a quicker but much more painful death!

4. CHANCES FOR EQUESTRIA?

This disease can be spread very easily, especially among unicorns. If an infected unicorn casts a spell on another pony, they too will catch Meanie Mark. Other than that, a pony either has to come in contact with infected soil/plant life, an animal that has eaten said infected material, or a corpse. This means that, though the illness will be slow to spread at first, it will pick up speed as time goes on.

With the emphasis on foals and the amount that are being killed for mercy or safety’s sake, repopulating is going to be difficult.

As for a cure…perhaps the dragons can help, since they are the only one’s completely immune? Or maybe they could at least offer hints about how to stop this horrible disease?

All this to say — there is a chance of survival. But is Equestria quick enough to find a cure? Or at least keep the disease at bay?

BONUS - SURVIVORS (NOT COMPLETE):

1. Spike: Being a dragon has its perks. But being surrounded by ponies does not.

2. Big Mac: The pony you would want in an apocalypse. Still mourning the infection of his sisters.

3. Discord: Could he even…get sick? Isn’t he part pony? But he doesn’t have a cutie mark…

4. Rainbow Dash: Cloudsdale is on lockdown, and isn’t allowing anypony in or out. But it’s like herding winged cats.

5. Winona: Aids Big Mac. Since eating an infected piece of flesh, she avoids the infected like the plague.

6. Sweetie Belle: Was staying with Scootaloo right before Rarity got infected. Apple Bloom would have come, but she didn’t feel well…

7. Scootaloo: Her inventions are invaluable. But her lack of a quick way to escape could be the death of her one day.

#mlp #mlp infection #mlp infection au #mlp infected au #my little pony infection au #mlp horror #horror #infection au #digital art #artists on tumblr #art #my art #digital artist #fanart

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f4iry-bell · 1 day

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Grayson x shy reader hc?

grayson hawthorne x shy!reader

i'd like to start by saying that grayson is an introvert, obviously. but this man is anything but shy. he just hates people. he would have met the reader at the hawthorne foundation as a new employee. there's nothing this man loves more than intimidating people, having power over them. so he'd love how shy the reader is. so it wasn't anything new that someone (reader) is intimidated by him. he would notice that she is scared to give her opinion in front of others. he'll notice that she doesn't interact with anyone and is scared of grayson (he runs the foundation and pays her so ofc) he'll personally talk to her and assure her saying that she doesn't need to shy away or be scared of him unless she has done something terribly wrong ever since he had a word with her, he started checking her out a lot. they talk again at a charity event, he found her in a corner holding her drink. “shouldn’t you be with the others?” he asked her. “i'm not really a people's person” she gave him a shy smile. they talk for a bit and bond over how they dont like public events because of people he learnt that she doesn't like them because she gets anxious around people, grayson hates them because he has to make small talk. grayson would stare at her then and there and every time she catches him she blush so much that she'd have to turn her face. eventually after months grayson would ask her out she'd reject him at first because they're working together but grayson hawthorne can be persuasive and irresistible he'll take her to a private picnic spot for their first date since she doesn't like public places that much their first kiss was when she was yapping about her interest and fit the first time grayson saw her without an sign of shyness or anxiousness he kissed her midway she pulled a rory gilmore and said “thank you” grayson chuckled and kissed her again grayson would leave her secret love notes on her desk every week he'd hold her hands and caress them with his thumb every time when they're in a crowded place he'll always order for her he'll do all the talking if she doesn't feel like it he'll encourage to speak up he'll give her tips (hawthorne tips) on how to make people believe you're confident and have power even though they're official reader still feels scared to kiss him or hold his hand on her own without him doing it first grayson will notice it and get self conscious. “why won't you kiss me?” he'd ask her “i'm scared, what if you don't want me to kiss at certain times? or get annoyed when i hold your hand all the time” she'd explain it to him anxiously. grayson would gently kiss her and let her know that he'd never not want her kissed and his hand's sole purpose is for her to use them as a stress relief toy, she can hold it, squeeze it even scratch it, he doesn't care. after a year, shed be the one to boss over him

#grayson hawthorne #the inheritance games #the brothers hawthorne #jameson hawthorne #xander hawthorne #avery kylie grambs #nash hawthorne #the hawthorne brothers #avery grambs #the grandest game

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puppyeared · 5 months

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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to #im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but #because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of #exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something #and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh #and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing #because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant #even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still #its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about #I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird #maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel #a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t #I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to #be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol #idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week #had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting #yapping #does this count as vent #vent #Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 9 months

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ah yes! the joys of executive dysfunction and something being Fundamentally Broken In Your Braincase!

#quick vent Look Away Nothing To See Here #i just needed to place my emotions somewhere before i really started to spiral #texts from cherished friends should not cause nausea-level anxiety! and yet!#here i am! running away from the ever-present miasma of guilt and stress!#you know a few months ago i was like 'im going to be better about responding im going to do better'#i Immediately started doing Worse!#i think i stressed myself out too much #pretty much every relationship i have ends up completely deteriorating due to my own insecurities and guilt and fucked up brain <3 #ah yes and how could i forget the Commitment Issues and Emotional Block #mentally i am banging my head into a wall #but its fine Its Fine #i mean its not. its really not. but sometimes it seems like the harder i try the harder i fail #which is something i should be used to by now!#okay so it looks like i Am Indeed spiraling so #i am going to go... list some good things in this world and uhhh #well i dont have the car this weekend so cant go for a drive and some boba. um.#i need to organize my room table Yes that sounds distracting and falsely productive #not gonna tag this with anything actually.#love treating tumblr like my personal diary #ah yes its just me. my personal feelings. and the couple thousand people that follow me.#perhaps i will also buy something online with one of the gift cards i found the other day #buttons from michaels!!! i need buttons! i will go do that!#with the knowledge that i have unopened messages to respond to looming in the back of my mind like a noose! yippee yahoo!!!#gonna... turn of replies/rbs just this once since its just a Vent #i just needed to get it Out yk? not looking for anything other than relieving pressure on my brain #ok it looks like i cant turn of replies for individual posts #just... pretend you didnt see this for both our sakes <3 #look away look away

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lemongogo · 4 months

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can i ask.how u guys practice ur creativity <3 how u practice ur imagination or like.. how u experiment with ur art, how u come to ideas and how u develop them.<3 pretty please <3

#smthing i have always struggled w.is feeling like i can only draw things that r handed 2 me.#as in.an idea or concept that already exists #chara or conflict that already exists.Scene that alr exists.#and i think it can be soo limiting bc when i have that sort of creative desire but nothing 2 reflect off of it #i feel like im unable to do anything/get anywhere bc im unable to do that mental legwork myself ykwim #like comic artists r SOOO JAW DROP INSPIRING TO MEE bc not only are u envisioning ur own sequences/situations #but u are able to imagine even the most MUNDANE interactions within those scenarios u know #like the transitory panels and the quiet moments and the every day stillness #and i feel like.its not even a poor attempt on my behalf its like.i cant Even attempt it.like my brain is soo empty #and soo static and noiseless that i am like gauhh......#i can practice lines all day long and practice colors and practice anatomy or Whatever bc its something concrete #and its in front of me and i can pry apart the physical technicalities until i understand it better #but my MIND???ABSTRACTION>? THOUGHTS .ough its so hard #and i really want to push past that but i dont know how and its so .. demoralizing to think that ill get there One Day but i feel #one million and two days away.and not making active process towards it.#i know the first step is to build ur visual library and i feel liek. idk i FEEL LIKEEE theres more 2 it that im missing #but also im depressed as hell n my job is killing my creative drive and the seasonal stuff isnt helping #so maybe i just need 2 give it time (true) but i also like.man i dont know. i want 2 do something w my hands #but everything ive been doing so far has felt soo .hard and fruitless and i definitely dont want 2 turn art into such a stressful thing #fruitless as in like.i dont get any personal satisfaction w it.idgaf abt monetization or algorithms or any of tht #but smtimes thats just what happens and i have 2 weather through and know ill be more equipped 4 this some other time #SAWRYYY IM ALWAYS GOING ON AND ONNN im nromal im normal<3 i just rly like art and it sucks balls whn it feels out of reach #sigh cry fart scroll.(:salute:)

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skyward-floored · 4 months

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My mom: yeah don’t worry you can put stuff in the amazon cart there’s nothing there you can’t see (for Christmas)

*Lo and behold there was at least one thing in there that I probably should not have seen*

#and I have mixed feelings on receiving it KSDFBJFVJDGH #rambles from the floor #like listen. I like hw but I don’t know if I WANT it.#I DONT WANT MY SIBLINGS TO BE EXPOSED TO CIA???#they’re too innocent #and I’ve watched the cutscenes there’s just parts I know would be uncomfortable #and now I’m gonna stress over this aaaaaaaaaaa #did they just see zelda and put it in there??#didn’t look at the rating or anything????#my brother probably put it on his list I hate when he does that #he asks for a game he knows he won’t play but knows I will so he can watch it which like I don’t mind but #it’s ALWAYS GAMES I GET NERVOUS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE WATCHINGGGG

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bigcats-birds-and-books · 2 months

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oooh, i need to knit four (4) rows of this shawl every day until the end of the month to finish by the recipient's birthday. which isn't, like. bad. but it ALSO doesn't take into consideration that, a.) the early rows will be much quicker than the later rows, b.) i've got three (3) lil non-negotiable deadlines to hit by or before then, too, or c.) i've been backburnering the knitting and doing like. MAYBE. two rows a day so far.

#text #personal #writing #knitting #in btw #rell #driscoll #no i dont know why im like this either #i dont MEAN to put Stress on all my hobbies and YET!!!!#like its not the end of the world if i miss the birthday deadline but i feel bad cuz i didnt have a chrimmus gift for her and she did for me #so i would LIKE to have this for her on her birthday (which is when ill see her)#if i can knock out the microfic tomorrow and maybe poke at a first page ill be good??#i think??#then i can life admin and knit later tomorrow #i should try to do more rows while theyre small #frog boiling etc #they still dont take many minutes per row at this stage so that helps!!#and i am getting the hang of the lace i think #i cant do it while listening to anything more intense than music tho #convos are no go #COULD probably do a couple rows on lunch at work tho 👀👀#anyway im also not reading now which is what i MEANT to be doing #gosh i miss reading also #it hasnt been that long but its been nonfic for a while so it feels long #portia shawl

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imabiscuitinthousandworlds · 8 days

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crippling anxiety hours let's go

#a biscuit's rambles #theres a presentation due tomorrow we did Not prepare #and my partner is super anxious and the type to Need Perfect Grades #and she had a question and tried to call me several times and i saw too late and texted i was here now but then stupid whatsapp didnt tell #me when she called again so now i feel horrible #and honestly this presentation can go fuck itself i literally could not care less #im trying to do at least the tiniest minimum of Something for my friend but gosh. i do Not want to #just can't bloody get myself to do anything #doesn't help that i Know shell handle it because. she cant not without getting Way Too Stressed Out #i dont wanna leave her hanging with all the work like that but gosh im so tired #i just. cant. idk #on the bright side i did listen to a couple more tma episodes so thats something i suppose that was fun #........... i really need to do less stuff #i dont have a single free weekend for all of april and the beginning of may #goodbye emotional stability it was so nice to have known you even if for just a short while

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fruitsyrups · 22 days

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i think your hat post is really cool and interesting but susan’s hat is a cat and i will die on this hill

this is true!!! when i was talking about the modern human hats not resembling animals i meant all of these ones

(excluding the minerva-bots and finn of course)

#wait. wait. i just thought something #finn wearing his bear hat -> bc it makes him feel connected to the humans #and martin & the hiders (that old woman with the tiger at least) not wearing hats bc they don't feel that personal connection w/ the island #ok this is so obvious but i just think comparing and contrasting finn and martin is so interesting #but i don't think martin really was a hider. i don't think he felt particularly connected to any ideology or viewpoint in particular #he's a floater #yk #martin is so interesting #i dont like the amnesia theory or whatever (that martin also lost his memory in some capacity)#like to me its just that. he was able to commit enough to start a family but not committed enough to go back to them #after being seperated & having freedom #& he just super duper avoids thinking about it bc it makes him feel guilty. but not guilty enough to do anything about it #like when he said he doesn't like thinking about minerva cause it stresses him out that doesn't come across as 'can't remember'#it very much comes across as 'nah im not gonna expend energy into thinking about something emotionally difficult'#like if he actually tried to be a dad to finn he'd have to face all the time he spent not looking for him. instd of just avoiding it all #like where's the fun in making him less Complicated. you know?#whenever finn is in the vicinity martin's always tryna get out of there as fast as possible 😭#i guess that could also just be seen as him trying to avoid the consequences of his actions (like when he's worried finns gonna try to rip #his arm off lmao) but i personally interpret it all as a guilt thing too #none of this is related to the ask but yea 🫣

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soldier-poet-king · 4 months

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U know when u reach that point of mentally unwell that it's like, u realize it's stupid and dumb and your (mal)adaptive coping mechanisms and inbuilt trauma responses aren't helpful and aren't logical and you're complete aware of this and yet can't eradicate it and it's so frustrating and in some way you're more upset about not being able to force ur brain into being normal and stop being Like That, than you are upset about whatever thing happened in the first place

#the duality of fran #anyway yes yes i know im tired and stressed and its winter #and all these things mean all my bad brain stuff harder to cope with #and all my yucky bad maladaptive mechanisms come back #and its stupid and dumb and i cant fix it overnight. or really ever. and YET #im just. gonna throw myself into reading and video games i guess. keep myself distracted #i could have healthier routines but its really fuckin hard to be consistent with anything #when im living with my parents and not much is actually within my control #when it comes to routine and living arrangement and such. its uh....#real difficult to assert autonomy and control and break hurtful patterns of behaviour when living in the space #& w the ppl who caused those problems in the first place yknow #how can i stop hiding and ppl pleasing and acting like a hollow shell of a fake person #when all of that was developed specifically to protect myself emotionally from these ppl #did it work??? NO. sometimes it feels like it didnt even preserve a tiny core of me #whatever the me that existed before. or was supposed to exist. just. is gone. never was #ik ik dont think of unlived lives theyre not real theres no alternate version of urself #but maybe...there is....and that fran is so much better

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pet-cemetery-emotes · 28 days

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unrealted but what does endo mean? /genq

Short hand for endogenic! Which usually means anyone who is plural for non trauma reasons! or who doesn't relate their plurality to trauma. if you don't know what plural means, there are a lot of definitions! I'd recommend googling around or talking to plural people, because i dont have good words today. plurality is often associated with DID, but that's not the only source or cause :) another common one is MADD (maladaptive daydreaming disorder) or immersive daydreaming!

take this with a grain of salt, though - people will often change their personal definitions of what it means to be plural or endo to exclude others. perhaps because of their own internalized ableism, or exerting control over their online spaces is the only control they readily get, or because picking on a subculture of a subculture means that their targets often won't be defended and they can get away with using them as stress toys. Similarly to queer infighting, and aphobia. Thumbs up emoji

#not emojis #it is often debated by people with DID in particular whether or not endos even exist #and i think. whether or not they do. anti-endos are pretty mean about it! their posts on it remind me of transmeds or aphobes.#i'd rather support people who later change their IDs or are wrong about themselves then people who bully them #been told both sides suck. i dont go into discourse. wouldnt know. but there are loud and mean people everywhere.#and the fact that people call it 'sides' when it's experiences... telling...#i prolly wont answer questions like this in the future #because i usually get hate mail afterwards! which is stressful or annoying depending on my mental state #i was not open about being plural for a long time because if you do it the “wrong way” or have unfinished or clumsy opinions #or ways of wording them... people wanna hurt you over it.#but anyone can ask me anything. <3 and i want to help.#so. risking it today. feeling brave/stupid i guess!

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