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fencesandfrogs · 3 years

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hi my name is matthew and i have some thoughts about haes

okay disclaimers: i’m a little jumpy around the subject so while i don’t feel i’m being unnecessarily harsh/unfair, if ur firm on haes w no yielding, and you don’t want to argue about it? either skip this or don’t respond. i don’t really care. but i’m putting the body under a read more.

[3k words, 10 minute read. sections headers, some text italicized for emphasis/some readibility. no images/videos, a few links.]

second disclaimer: i’m not planning on going heavy on sources. i will happily provide sources to people who want them, and i haven’t written the actual post yet but it’s unlike me not to cite anything, but doing an in depth well researched and sourced post on this type of subject is not something i’m up for right now.

like i said, i’m jumpy around this subject. and on the off chance someone decides this post is Bad and i must be banished to the Bad Blogs Bin, i’d rather not put a lot of work into it.

third disclaimer: i’m not particularly interested in reading X study that says actually no people who way 700 pounds are healthy and people who weigh less than 200 are going to die early deaths. i know that’s a straw man i needed to a) get it out of the way now and b) i just am tired all the time and don’t have a ton of itme for it. that said, if you do send one to me, i will probably read it at some point, and i may or may not provide my thoughts.

right then. moving on.

with no more waffling, my thesis is as follows: weight stigma is bad, however obesity is killing people and i really would like people to stop pretending it doesn’t.

i. really hate that that’s a controversial opinion. i mean i hold a decent number of somewhat controversial opinions, most of which i keep to myself because i’m a firm believer that what i think about something should not interfere with how other people live their lives. as a noncontroversial example, i think mormons are in a cult. children, being minors, being indoctrinated is a problem, one i myself am not dedicated to solving because i have other issues but as far as adults involved, that’s their business.

(*please note that i’m not expanding on my thoughts because this post is about haes but i do have a more complicated opinion i’m just trying to demonstrate something please don’t at me about cults i know that they’re bad and adults in them also need help getting out that’s not the point of this post & i’m anxious enough so like, please.)

anyway so. obesity. is bad. it is bad for your health. if you are obese, you are not healthy. that said, i am not going to tell you to lose weight. no one should tell you to lose weight except for your doctor and maybe your immediate family, and that should be from a place of “you are not living your best life and i care about you.” i, an internet stranger, along with pretty much everyone you know, does not get to tell you about how terrible your life is and what a horrible person you are for existing, because you are not a bad person for being overweight. you do not deserve discrimination or mistreatment. even if you’re not actively trying to lose weight. it doesn’t matter. you are a human being like any other and i will fight like hell for you.

i’m not planning on going heavy into eating disorders because a) that’s a triggering topic for me and b) it’s going to muddle the point i’m getting, but since it is a large part of the arguments re. haes, it’s certainly going to come up, so i’d like to list the officially recognized eating disorders.

Anorexia Nervosa (AN)

Bulimia Nervosa (BN)

Binge Eating Disorder (BED)

Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorder (OSFED)

Pica

Rumination Disorder

Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID)

Unspecified Feeding or Eating Disorder (UFED)

Other (aka “we are considering making this its own category but for matthew’s purposes it fits into AFRID or UFED well enough because the details aren’t important”)

so yeah. we’ll circle back to this.

section one: haes

haes initially stood for heatlh at every size. that doesn’t really matter anymore because people say healthy at every size now, however, the distinction is important. because.

okay. when i say being obese makes you inherently unhealthy, i am not saying you are having health problems for being overweight. i am saying you have a chronic illness. i have asthma. that makes me inherently unhealthy. i don’t necessarily have an health problems because i am asthmatic, but i have a chronic illness and it certainly would, say, make me more likely to die from covid. that is a fact. saying healthy at every lung functionality would not change that.

but you know, i can still be active and like smell plants and interact in the world like anyone else. i just try to keep my inhaler near by.

so similarly, if you are overweight/obese (i’ve been saying only obese because its less letters so i’m sticking with that), you can, like, live ur best life and take care of your health. you can feel good about your body and eat good food and move and again, i really don’t want anyone reading this to feel that i think everyone who’s obese needs to lose that weight because adults can do whatever they want.

what i’m angry about is that a good thing (encouraging people to make good choices no matter what so they can feel good in their bodies) got turned into a bad thing (telling people they don’t need to change what they’re doing because they’re perfectly healthy).

section two: but what about...?

see my third disclaimer. but as a fast rundown of things i probably won’t talk about in detail later:

the obesity paradox is a specific thing about a specific type of illness in the elderly. it’s also not about obesity, it’s about being slightly overweight. it’s a complicated thing, but it’s not true most of the time

sumo wrestlers have major health problems as soon as they stop exercising like crazy.

did you know there are countries where girls are force fed to become overweight? diet culture goes both ways

if you want to say healthy at every size, you have to mean that every. that means you are not allowed to say shit about underweight people. i’m sorry, is someone you care about wasting away? are they 5′10 and weigh 90 pounds and their hair is falling out because they aren’t eating? i’m sorry, you said people are healthy at every size. you can’t make fun of skinny people. you have to suck it up because you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

section three: self care

a hypothetical that is blindingly obvious to where i’m going: if a small child wants to play with a knife, are you caring for them by giving into it? what if they want to drink some vodka? what if they want to run away from home to live with a stranger in a white van?

i really really hope all those answers are “no, you’re neglecting that child, and also possibly actively harming it.”

so my point is pretty obvious: giving yourself something because you want it does not mean you are caring for yourself.

you know what i want to do all the time? sleep and rewatch twilight every day. but that makes me feel worse. so even though it’s terrible and i hate it, i have to take care of myself (because there is only one of me that i ever get) and go outside and talk to people and eat something that isn’t popcorn because you need protein to live.

(sorry i tried to keep nutrition out of that but i have to actively seek out sufficient salt and protein due to my campus doing a lot of low sodium food, which is bad when u actually need to eat a good amount of salt to keep ur body working, and also i’m vegetarian. so i’m constantly making myself seek it out.)

that doesn’t mean self care is always supposed to be work, but i mean. i’ve always not really gotten into it. i think because i’m hella depressed and i’ve been depressed long enough i can recognize it as this separate entity when it comes to a lot of the mental stuff. like, why do i feel like everything is meaningless? that’s just the depression.

but i digress, this isn’t about me. [proceeds to talk about me again]

one phrase i like a lot for myself is “bad food makes me feel bad.” now, i’m not a fan of putting moral judgements to food. but this works for me, personally. sure, eating a bunch of ice cream right now is good, but it’s going to suck when my stomach flips the fuck out because of all the sugar. and so it seems quite obvious to me that eating that ice cream is not, in fact, caring for my body.

and i think we’d collectively be a bit better served if we could learn to distinguish between self-care and self-kindness. ask anyone who does caregiving (childcare, nurses, etc): it is hard, often thankless (at least for children they’re devils who don’t realize that their toys will get wrecked if they don’t pick them up) work. you care for them not by doing what they want, but what is best for them.

section four: diet culture

as i’ve already played my hand up above with underweight vs haes, i think it’s kind of obvious that i have strong feelings about underweight not being healthy also. so i just want to take stock of what is and isn’t diet culture, and what i think about it. this is probably the most subjective part of this essay.

things i think are diet culture

people trying ridiculous diets. obviously diet culture in the purest sense. it’s real dumb. you need all the food groups to live. sometimes it’s okay, like cutting out sugar, but i’d say its a net negative

not trying to do lifestyle changes. that’s the sustainable way to lose weight. so. yeah.

weight cycling. actually still up for debate if this is bad. this paper says no, along with a lot of others, but i’m not sitting down and reading through all of them, and all of the ones that say its bad, to offer my opinion. i’m leaning towards “it’s better than nothing,” but we’ll see

a lot of other stuff i’m doing this off the top of my head and trying to avoid issues w eating disorders so.

things i think aren’t diet culture

women being pressured to look a certain way. that’s been going on for a long time. being skinny used to be bad. it’s a fact of the patriarchy.

most things? idk i have this impression that like, anyone exercising or eating healthy is a part of diet culture, when in reality, people just have different lifestyles. (also, again, if you’re going with haes, as in HealthyAES (hyaes?) you can’t call it unhealthy or you’re not respecting that damn E)

in conclusion: diet culture has issues, but the correct response to them is not “fuck you, i’m eating fourteen pounds of sugar.” eat fourteen pounds of sugar because you want to. (also it should be fat because if you really want to stick it to the man you should be eating fat, big sugar is responsible for a huge amount of todays dietary problems, both on the under/overweight side)

section five: discrimination

yeah no fuck people who discriminate about fat people. that’s all i’m just moving along to a transition since i was drifting away from my point about health.

section six: weight stigma

...is not responsible for your health issues. being obese is. accept the consequences of your lifestyle.

well. okay. that’s a little unfair. accept the consequences of not treating your chronic illness. and i feel i’ve probably lost people for calling obesity an illness but that’s the whole point of my post.

just like carrying externally heavy objects hurts your joints, so does carrying a lot of weight inside. fat does not cushion your organs, it kills them. getting rid of weight stigma will not make these issues go away.

the treatment for obesity is eating the number of calories you need to sustain a healthy weight at your current exercise levels. (*please consult with your doctor this is more complicated when you have to lose a lot of weight.)

section seven: cico. or, why your metabolism is fine

your body does not break the laws of thermodynamics. it cannot magically create more energy out of a given amount of calories.

there are issues with calorie counting, yes. i think it’s usually done in an unsustainable way that isn’t teaching people to make decisions, just to do math. it can be hard to get an accurate count.

but you are not a miracle of science. you have not discovered how to create and destroy energy. i’m sorry to be the one to break if to you.

if you don’t believe me, if you’re really sure your metabolism is different, go on and get it tested. tell your doctors. because it’s a major problem if it’s not working right.

similarly, i’m sorry, but if someone is the same height as you and a (very, like, +- 50 pounds) different weight, and neither of you have exisitng health conditions, you are not eating the same things/doing the same exercise. you have not broken the laws of physics.

possibly, one of you have untreated celiacs or something of the ilk meaning your body is actually malfunctioning. but if that’s true, i excluded you already, so shoo. get out of here and play in the sun with the other kids.

if you don’t believe this, there’s not much i can do to convince you. but i encourage you to count your calories for a month. find some tdee calculators. weigh yourself. make sure you count everything, it all goes down. check the math. (you can do any amount of time but a month is what you need for weight to be meaningful imo otherwise you’re just proving weight fluctuates a lot).

section eight: cico. or, why counting calories is not disordered eating

it can sure be a symptom of disordered eating, and it can certainly make disordered eating worse, but it isn’t an eating disorder.

also, assuming you’re not trying to verify the laws of thermodynamics, i don’t think counting every calorie is necessary. i have approximate values (500/meal, and around 300 in snacks), which i try not to go over or under.

yeah. i actually use calorie counting to make sure i’m eating enough in one sitting. some of my medication screws with my apetite and then i only eat like 300 calories and suddenly its like 11 and i need to go to bed but i’m hungry but eating before bed makes me feel terrible and it sucks.

but hey, according to some people, avoiding that is unhealthy.

okay i’m moving on before i get salty because the next section is touchy

section nine: eating disorders.

the three main eating disorders are listed way up there. they’re the first three. AN, BN, BED.

oh, yeah, binge eating? that’s actually disordered eating too. it’s not normal.

i’m not going to elaborate on the point because i absolutely know i can’t do it without getting really fucking angry that people call calorie counting disordered eating, like i haven’t watched a fifth grader eat one meal a day because she’s scared she’s overweight. like i haven’t watched a sixth grader cram food into his mouth until he’s sick because he’s worried he’s not bulky enough for sports. like i haven’t watched an eleventh grader tell me he hasn’t eaten anything since lunch yesterday, but it’s fine, he doesn’t want his mac and cheese anyway, since he needs to lose weight.

you think someone keeping track of some numbers is an eating disorder? then either you’re lucky enough to never have to deal with eating disorders on a personal level, and i’m very happy for you, or you have, and you should maybe reevaluate that.

alright i’m cutting myself off now whoop.

section ten: intuitive eating

you know, much like haes, i want to like this. it fits in with my bad-food-makes-me-feel-bad mentality. i’m angry and tired and hungry because i ate like, a late breakfast/early lunch and now i need to eat again because if i don’t eat every six to eight hours i have a medical condition that makes me feel like shit (an aside: unless you’ve been told by a doctor, you don’t need to eat every 2-3 hours. unless you’re a child or have an applicable medical condition, you can probably eat one meal a day and be firne.)

but much like haes, it now has a meaning i can’t in good consience endorse. i can’t stand for a movement that tells people who acknowledge weight makes their joints hurt that they just need to keep eating until they feel better.

section eleven: conclusion

i have a lot more thoughts but again i’m hungry. i meant to talk more about IE and my problems with it but maybe that will be its own post.

i won’t say i’m happy to talk about this because i can’t promise i am (see: eating disorder issues.), but i will most likely respond to constructive discussion if someone sees this and wants to. i can also provide sources. i hate going, “sources available on request” but i tried to provide some stuff for some of the heavily disputed/i already had a source for it and didn’t have to dig through google scholar to find information that’s been peer reviewed.

and i do sincerely wish everyone, at any size, that they fracture the disconnect between them and their bodies (oop didn’t talk about that either another time then) & that they find peace with who they are, and that they get to live happy & fulfilling lives.

#fatphobia #anti haes #obesity #health #haes #i don't know how to tag this lmao sorry if i have a bad tag #q #mine #txt #7th #February #2021 #February 7th 2021 #essay #long post

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fisherfurbearer · 4 years

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fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

#jjst...ffeels like shes violating somethingg #and treating me a LOT like how my abusive mother used to treat me #why are you CRYING? you cant be trying here. this is a BUSINESS.#is a lot like Why Do You look so MISERABLE all the time?? why are you CRYING??#and shit like IGNORING ME when i try to change my hours #straight up ignoring me #she basically made it clear shed rather me QUIT than fuckingg chop 2 hours off my AVAILABILITY #ITS SO FRUSTRATING #AND SHES SUCH A HYPROCRITE #scheduled 7-2 every sunday!!#yet you cant change my availability to 7-7??#you NEED ot keep it until 9???#but working until 9 and getting home around 10 and getting no sleep because i need to take care of my pets and myself #and get up at 5:30 the next morning for work at 7 #WHEN THAT COULD EASILY BE ALTERED BY CHIPPING A COUPLE HOURS OFF MY AVAILABILITY #AND MY DOCTOR ALSO THINKS I NEED TO CHANGE IT TOO #BUT WHO FUCKING CARES RIGHT ITS A BU S I N E S S #SURE SURE BUT WHEN A CUSTOMER FLIPS THE SIGN ON A $7.94 SHIRT #TO SAY 0.94 CENTS #WITH THE CENTS SIGN!!!!#THEN I HA V E TO HONOR IT #THATS A+ BUSINESS RIGHT THERE #BITCH DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO APPROVE A COUPON ON SLEF CHECKOUT!!!!#AND OUR FRICKING STORE MAANGER MAKES TRIPLE FIGURES!!!#BUT NO ONE FUCKINGG CARES #NO ONE FUCKING CARES #I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMOREE #id dont want to have to lose my job and stability over this one person #but this isntt...ok #i shouldnt have to go to work and deal with MORE emotional abuse

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q-confessions · 6 years

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About Q #1

Many people suffering from mental illness have little “quirks” that show when they are uneasy or when their anxiety is triggered. When you are able to point out your own quirks it becomes easier to recognize what types of situations become your trigger points.

By recognizing this, you can either remove yourself from said situation or try to stop your quirk by physically adjusting yourself and changing your mindset to something more positive. This is something I have struggled with in the past but I am trying to become a better person to communicate with!

MY SOCIAL QUIRKS:

- Failure to make eye contact. This is a quirk that I am trying my hardest to fix because it has an effect on my conversations between friends and I and it can give them the wrong signal such as me being uninterested or bored. I have tried to figure out why I do this and I believe it to be a result of being bullied as a child. I would often get yelled at by other kids or sometimes hit in the face for “looking at them” when I often was either just day dreaming or looking past them. This had a major affect on how I present myself in public for a LONG time so to this day I keep my eyes down or gaze out a window and avoid direct eye contact.

- Talking quickly or fumbling over my words. When I get anxious around a new person or they don’t agree with something I say; I get this jolt in my heart and it kicks up speed beating irregularly fast and I get tongue tied or start talking quickly. I immediately catch myself doing this and it makes things worse because I know the other person notices my behavior and it then makes me even more flustered or embarassed. This is a tough quirk to break because I am easily broken at the thought of making someone disappointed or dislike me because I have trouble socializing.

- Drinking excessively. I do not leave my apartment often but if I do happen to see someone we go out for lunch. Because of my difficulty with eye contact I usually find things to distract myself unconciously and focusing on my drink or food is the most common distraction although it isn’t necessarily negative as it helps my from becoming too anxious.

- Lack of trust. I have had many many manyyyyyyyyyy fake friends cross my path for one reason or another. This on top of being bullied most of my life as caused me to not trust people. Although I want close friends, it takes time for my to completely open up to others because I am scared of feeling used again when all I want is a companion.

MY GENERAL ANXIETY QUIRKS:

- Leg fidgeting. My legs bounce excessively when I am stressed out and it is a trait that runs in my family. This is a quirk I typically allow to happen because if I do not I tend to go for one of my more distruptive quirks.

- Pen clicking. I APOLOGIZE TO ANYONE WHO HAS EVER DEALT WITH ME DOING THIS!!! I honestly don’t even realize I am doing it until after it has likely aggrevated someone. Like many who suffer from anxiety, pressing buttons, tapping or spinning objects is a form of self-relief. One item that can help with this is a fidget cube which I hope to get myself in the near future [usually $6 from the US or $2 from China]. https://www.ebay.com/itm/Rose-Fidget-Cube-Toy-Anxiety-Stress-Relief-Attention-Focus-Adults-Kids-Attention/252965998621

- Teeth Chomping. For the health of my teeth, I am trying SO HARD to stop this one! I had a huge issue with this as a kid and stopped for most of my young adult life but the habit has sparked up again. When ever I am under alot of stress I chomp my teeth repeatedly until I catch myself and force it to stop.

- Lip or Cheeck Biting. This is one of my more self destructive quirks. I bite the dead skin on my lips a lot when I am stressed or working. This is one I have gotten better at stopping by glazing my lips in medicated chapstick several times a day.

MY DEPRESSION QUIRKS:

- Procrastination. I am actually having issues with this right now . . When I am under a high amount of stress, I tend to wait til the last minute to do things. Time seems to fly when I attempt to plan out my day and in the end not accomplish a damn thing! I struggle with this more than anything else but I will continue to try and break my habit with better scheduling habits or alarm reminders.

- Eating. I eat when I am upset and it is destroying my body. This is a difficult quirk to break but the way I help stop it is by not buying junk food or soda. If I am going to snack it might as well be healthy! This has become a bit easier for me to control because I try to have toddler sized portions when I get the stress munchies so I end up just frequently picking at bits of food rather than shoveling food down my throat like I did in middle school and high school.

- Solitude. There at times like this very moment where I evade social media and discord to keep to myself until I feel like I am able to talk to people with out wanting to cry over every little thing. I have a hard time socializing as it is but it is 1000x worse when I am depressed. I hate myself so much at these times and I dont want to share that with others.

#bad habits #anxiety #depression #social anxiety

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differentdove · 7 years

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all the questionsss :D

Top of tha mornin to ya, anon! I guess you DO wanna know something! Is it you that wants to know everything? If not, thats a pretty popular view, hahaha! But i like your hutzpah, kid! 1: Full name : Madison Grace

2: Age : I am nineteen

3: 3 Fears : I mean, I dont really have but one fear, but I suppose silence, darkness, and opening up to people, but those are just due to inner issues and are things easily fixed that i deal with on a daily basis.

4: 3 things I love : I love Paul and dinosaours and my family!

5: 3 turns on : Passion, no fear of social standards, hilarity!

6: 3 turns off : Common camo, no consideration of others, my ex bf!

7: My best friend: all of my friends now??

8: Sexual orientation: ?????????

9: My best first date: That is by far this last one i went on! It was incredible, i will never forget it!

10: How tall am I: Smol standing at 5′6′’

11: What do I miss: I miss traveling. I cant do it so much anymore as of this exact moment, but i do what i can

12: What time were I born: I was born exactly on the dot at 8:45 in the morning!

13: Favourite color: ALL THE COLOURS!

14: Do I have a crush: Nope!

15: Favourite quote: I dont really have one, but ill just put the last one that i shared. I came across it by accident and it is actually a lyric, but it says: “We make each other better, we may not be perfect, but we are perfect together” and its such a sweet, aweome song and it made me too emotional than i am confortable with.

16: Favourite place: I do not have one, actually!

17: Favourite food: How could you ever pick just one? There is so many delectable things out there!

18: Do I use sarcasm: Wha-whaaaattt! Pshhhh, haha, do i, do I use sarcasm?!?!? Hahahaha, noooooooooooooooo.

19: What am I listening to right now: I just have The Office playing in the background, ive gotta shower here soon, but I am tryna crunch out these questions first!

20: First thing I notice in new person: Existence?

21: Shoe size: That is a tricky question, but the shoes i am wearing today are a 9.5H

22: Eye color: As of rn, they are lightish brown!

23: Hair color: Browwwnn

24: Favourite style of clothing: I mean, i dont have an answer for this, but eccentric?

25: Ever done a prank call?: I mean, do middle school girls do dumb things at sleep overs?…yes.

27: Meaning behind my URL: I have used this url for soooooo many years now, it is basically my signature username. I came up with this in,,,a round fourth grade time, and that was when i was really noticing my connection to mother nature and i was the weird kid and so ‘different’ stood out to me, (”different” being a good connotation and “strange” being the opposing) and ‘dove’ was a nice word, showing a bit of religion and peace and so i feel they fit together very nicely! It also turned out for Morning Dove to be my first larger role, and my ancients gave me this bag of random jewlery from all over and it had a beautiful handmade dove in it with beads.

28: Favourite movie: N/a

29: Favourite song N/a

30: Favourite band Really, how does one pick these things?

31: How I feel right now: I,,,I feel, not necessarily happy, but, almost. Content?

32: Someone I love: Rachel

33: My current relationship status: Single and ready to fla-stay that way.

34: My relationship with my parents: Nonexistent?

35: Favourite holiday: I dont have one! I really kind of like all of them! Well, except for valentines day. Thats so stupid, im not even gonna get that soap box.

36: Tattoos and piercing i have: Sadly, i just have my lobes pierced, but i want soooo many more piercings that are underway. I want too many tattoos, and i cant really get them, so im just gonna deal without.

37: Tattoos and piercing i want: Well, the next is my conch ear pierced. I have an ear map of ones that i want.

38: The reason I joined Tumblr: I mean, this is not my original tumblr, but it was actually my friend Tahlia who suggested it. I was making really cool art out of fruit at lunch and she wanted me to post it, and so she told me about it and i cant remember what that blog was, but i will remember eventually. But i joined off of her recommendation and here i am!

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?: No, i mean,,, he hurt me beyond belief and its really something ive been trying to get the heck ut of my life, but no, i dont hate him. I know he despises me, but i feel what i feel and as much wrong as he did me, i do not hate him.

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?: I meaannn, technically yes, but ive not gotten a “good morning” text in a good while. I tend to talk to people very late, and so we will say good bye n good night, but not really, no.

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?: I have not.

42: When did I last hold hands?: Goodness, that is a time ago, huh. Thats not something ive thought about in a good while. I held a mannequin hand earlier, but a human, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?: It depends, anywhere from and hour to five hours.

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?: HAHAHAHAHAHA

45: Where am I right now?: I am sitting on my couch in the living room. My home.

*the part where i shorten answers, sweet and simple. AKA i didnt realize how long this was and i want to get them all, but im on a time crunch*

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?: Then it would be whichever friend is there. We have good care for one another. Or the DD

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?: Suuuuuuuuuuper loud, man.

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?: Ugh. Unfortunately.

49: Am I excited for anything?: I am excited, yes. I get to give a gift tomorrow and get ready for KCACTF.

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?: Theres not really anyone, of any gender, that i have told everything to.

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?: too much.

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? I hugged this guy today…

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? I mean she IS married, soooo

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?: Huh? No?

55: What is something I disliked about today? I should have gotten something different at the restaurant, i didnt know it would be huge.

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: The frozen head of walt disney

57: What do I think about most? Theatre? God? Honestly, my thoughts are nothing to mess with

58: What’s my strangest talent?: I can,,,uhhh, I am great at champagne towers?

59: Do I have any strange phobias?: Nope. But my friend is afraid of two things. Whales and jello.

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: Boooooth

61: What was the last lie I told?: Im hanging out with Shelby and Ariel.

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?: Both is pretty cool. Talking is easier for my situation (more available, etc.)

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yep. YEP.

64: Do I believe in magic? Of course!

65: Do I believe in luck? Yes, but sometimes you have to make your own luck.

66: What’s the weather like right now? It is actually starting to snow! :D

67: What was the last book I’ve read? A Meisner book by friend lent me.

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? Overall-yes. but i hate pumping gas, and thats really the only time i smell it.

69: Do I have any nicknames? Not particularly, no.

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? Probably my heart, itm.

71: Do I spend money or save it?: I am trying to balance.

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? Yes, i can, actually.

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?: My ipad has pink in the case!

74: Favourite animal?: None. All of them.

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?: Dude. Freaking out over Gravity Falls!

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?: Uhhhhhhh, what? (McBadguy)

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?: I mean, all of the musics. Ooh lala? By ginger minj.

78: How can you win my heart?: I dont know you, it depends on you. But i feel my sparkling personality is a shooin.

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?: “Theyre not dead. Theyre never gonna die, but still chipped in for a cool tombstone, TAKE THAT DEBORA.”

80: What is my favorite word?: I dont have one, but there is this thing where people say a word and it just sounds perfect with their voice. My freshman english teacher had one. And its just strange and itll stop me in my tracks.

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr: Theres so many great ones! I highly reccomend lots of my mutuals, theyre all perfect hoomuns.

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?: Made you look.

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?: Not that i know of.

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?: The power to have every power.

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?: Really anything on my personal life.

86: What is my current desktop picture?: I dont have a desktop.

87: Had sex?: Regerts. So many ragreeerrrts

88: Bought condoms? Nope.

89: Gotten pregnant? Nope.

90: Failed a class? Yes. And it is not hindering me.

91: Kissed a boy?: yes i have

92: Kissed a girl? Yep

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? No.

94: Had job? I have, i need another, though.

95: Left the house without my wallet? Only all the time.

96: Bullied someone on the internet? Of course not. Thats never okay.

97: Had sex in public? I mean, technically, but no, not really. If ever.

98: Played on a sports team? Yeah, several actually.

99: Smoked weed? The devils lettuce. That gateway drug? THe wacKY TOBACKEE?!?! Yes.

100: Did drugs? Yep.

101: Smoked cigarettes? No, goodness no. And thats not gonna happen. ick

102: Drank alcohol? Yep.

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? Never had this question before, i am vegan, yes!

104: Been overweight? Never not

105: Been underweight? HAha, yeahright

106: Been to a wedding? Yes! I love weddings! My last one ive been to was my dear friend Kelley.

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?: Minimum.

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? Childs play.

109: Been outside my home country? Yes and i cannot wait to go back

110: Gotten my heart broken? Hahahahaha only a lot.

111: Been to a professional sports game?: A few actually! I love it

112: Broken a bone? No, knock on wood

113: Cut myself? Yes. Dont do it.

114: Been to prom? Twice. Prom ruler yoyo

115: Been in airplane? Yes! Its great, good memories.

116: Fly by helicopter? Gosh i wish. I had an opportunity to at school, but i didnt learn until after the fact, They didnt think id want to. WOULDNT WANT TO. PSSSHHH. HA.

117: What concerts have I been to? So many. THe last big one was P!ATD and FOB in Georgia

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? Maybe?

119: Learned another language? I am working on it, yeah.

120: Wore make up? I am actually wearing it at this very moment.

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?: Ugh. Regeerrrtttsssssss

122: Had oral sex? Nope.

123: Dyed my hair? Nah

124: Voted in a presidential election? Sadly i have not. not yet.

125: Rode in an ambulance? No, actually. And i hope i never will. Unless its just a fun parade-type thing. Or a car chase.

126: Had a surgery? Besides oral surgery, no.

127: Met someone famous? A few, yeah. Shout out Fanboy

128: Stalked someone on a social network? Mildly, yeah.

129: Peed outside? So. Hard.

130: Been fishing? Nah

131: Helped with charity? Yeah, i love volunteering!

132: Been rejected by a crush?: Yuuuppppppp.

133: Broken a mirror? ……maybe a little

134: What do I want for birthday? Is surprise party a bad answer? Ive always wanted oneee

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? Ahhhhhh, who knows. Not present Madison. Thats future Madisons problem.

136: Was I named after anyone?: No, but who knows.

137: Do I like my handwriting? Yes. Its changed so much and is all over the place, but its great.

138: What was my favourite toy as a child?: Iiiiiii, i dont know.

139: Favourite Tv Show? N/a.

140: Where do I want to live when older? Nowhere. I want to keep traveling and live in cast/crew housing and yes.

141: Play any musical instrument? Clarinet, beginners piano, beginners cello, beginners bagpipes.

142: One of my scars, how did I get it? Ive not one on my right leg, four o’clock from my knee that i got from my kittens the last time i saw them…

143: Favourite pizza toping? Vegan thingssssss (a rare commodity where i live)

144: Am I afraid of the dark? Not teccchnically, but i cant be in it.

145: Am I afraid of heights? Nooooo, theyre wonderful!

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? Nope. Its only illegal if you get caught.

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? School is being a dumb dummyhead.

148: What I’m really bad at. Everything, really?

149: What my greatest achievments are. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…?

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me. Honestly, i have those stored atm and really couldnt tell you.

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery. MADE SURE I CASKED THE TICKET ASAP. THOSE THIGNS HAVE A QUICK EXPIRATION DATE.

152: What do I like about myself. Uhhhh,,,,,,, my minds not there atm. Come again.

153: My closest Tumblr friend. Teccchnicaly its @shelby ashley 3, but idk if thats cheating.

154: Something I fantasise about. Fantasise? Idk if you know me, but thats a vvv tricky subject.

155: Any question you’d like? Well, you didnt specify for this, so i suppose were finished! You might have noticed by now, but i am not able to answer every question in the ‘traditional’ way, but i hope you had fun reading these and you learned something new! I enjoyed answering them! I hope you have a wonderful day!

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