#this is just how i exist lol anyway fuck diet culture

[marginal-effect]

thinking about my weight again and honestly? all things considered ive been wearing the same pants size for like 10 years now, with the exception of when my family was literally starving in 2014 and I went down by like 2 or 3. I've maintained a more stable weight than any c*nt i knew as a teenager who made a big deal about it and thats really funny. I'm required to go down this spiral every time I buy jeans

#bitches out there paying $$$ for keto cereal and protein blends trying to recreate their highschool self #meanwhile ive got an hourglass figure and look exactly the same as i did in 2015 #this is just how i exist lol anyway fuck diet culture #ree talks

[fairycosmos]

i wanted to ask ur opinion on something, chloe! if u wanted. first i know i should leave ED communities but ! now, there was this discussion on this ed website i frequent about how 'fat celebrities' (adele & lizzo were mentioned the most) who 'pretended' to be confident in their 'obesity' at some point started to lose weight and said it was for 'health'. everyone seemed to agree that they were never confident to begin with and they started to lose weight bc they were mostly known for being fat than anything else like that's something 'to be proud about' and bc they 'know deep down being obese is never going to be beautiful as much as they try to play the body positivity card. what do you think about this? :/

to me that just sounds like sick ppl projecting their fucked up mind set surrounding body image on to random celebrities to be honest. just very weird. they're mad that they suffer constantly and still hate themselves whereas people like adele and lizzo are able to experience happiness and self love without hurting themselves to get there :/ it also just seems like they can't fathom that fat people might actually be able to like themselves, that they have more to offer than their bodies. these women are artists, not “known for being fat” - ppl with ED’s just hyperfixate on that (as does these lense of pop culture since fatphobia is a cultural norm, but being fat still doesn’t define them like what.). so they have to create these borderline conspiracy theory narratives over it, to try to work out how bigger people could actually dare to exist without being full of self loathing. if THEY build their whole lives around being as skinny as possible, how is it possible that others don't?? if THEY lose it over gaining five pounds, how is it possible that others are okay with it and even, shock horror, accept themselves as they are no matter how much they weigh?? 🤯🤯 the fact of the matter is it is none of their business what these women do with their bodies and i don’t know why they care. they will never know the real reasons why they decided to switch up their diet/lose weight unless they choose to speak out on it. like these women were fat and in the public eye for years, and it is quite clear that they developed a strong sense of confidence and self worth during that time, because they didn’t lose a shit ton of weight as soon as they got famous to appease the hate. so what even is their point like they're just......making shit up based on half baked assumptions to make themselves feel better LOL. also it's really not hard to believe that they decided to lose weight or to become more active for health reasons, like that's super common. and it doesn't mean they didn't love themselves or experience confidence at their highest weight, those things aren't mutually exclusive. i think that's the whole point actually, that their body doesn't dictate their sense of self worth. and ykw like i said, we'll never know the real reason they lost weight. it very well could be due to outside pressure nd being under such scrutiny as a woman in the media who is being harshly held to an impossible standard. body image issues often fluctuate, sometimes ur doing ok with them and sometimes ur not. doesn't mean they were lying about feeling good about themselves in the past imo! anyway i guess my answer is people r just very sad and in a lot of pain and they want others ESP fat women to feel the same way at all costs. but this is 100% a product of their fatphobia and their disorder, and not any valid criticism of the body positive movement, at least that's how it seems going off this ask

#tw ed #tw eating disorder #tw anorexia #anon #talking

[exrayspex]

my mom signed up for noom today (a cbt-based diet program 😬) and asked me to support her in it, "even though i know you don't believe in that."

when i was like well it's not a...belief...i've told you there's just no evidence-supported long term weight loss program or diet, i've offered to show you the mountains of supporting evidence for that (which she has always brushed off as me being pushy and mean), it's just a fact that it doesn't exist...she was just like "well this one says it does!" and i just. ugh.

anyway i'm fatter than her and i know this is gonna get her talking about her weight around me again and calling herself disgusting etc. which makes me feel just great! and i'm probably gonna watch her starving herself again like when she did weight watchers when i was kid (which was legitimately traumatizing lol)

and like, you'd think her past experience, that is exactly in line with what i tell her is the truth, might sway her, but no. it'll be better this time! 🙄 and the cbt aspect? what kinda disordered bullshit are they gonna be feeding her that i'm gonna hear her repeat? also like. i can't cook or shop for myself. this is going to effect how i eat, too.

anyway i don't like it, i don't like that i didn't get a say in it, and i don't like that she headed it all off with the "be supportive! don't present me with facts!" thing. it's bc her doctor has been hounding her to lose weight bc she is starting to get high cholesterol, i fucking know it. and like. she's gonna have high cholesterol no matter what, it's in her genes, diet and exercise hasn't prevented it for her brother and sister and it won't for her either. but whatever i guess, thanks diet culture

#diet mention #weight mention #i've worked so fucking hard to unlearn this shit and to try to be ok with my own fat and weight gain #and i have come so far! #but i know this shit is gonna get me hating my body again and feeling gross #it won't undo everything bc i won't let it but I'm gonna suffer bc of this shit and I'm pissed

[aaallliiieee]

Idk processing some thoughts:

This post discusses dieting/body insecurities. Pls don't read this if you're gonna judge me!!! I just wanna share my feelings ok I know they're not great but whatever who cares. I don't have anyone to talk to irl about this stuff so I'm processing it here and if you don't like it just ignore me lol

So I'm kinda struggling with how I want to use this blog... for so many years I've just had a standard "thinspo" blog that I've always kept secret, used on and off through periods of dieting interspersed with periods of binge eating, but they kept getting deleted and so now I'm conflicted bc I'm 24 and I don't want to keep spreading toxic diet culture, but at the same time I've been steeped in toxic diet culture for so long that I feel like it's almost a hobby and it's like weirdly fun?? Which is fucked up lmao but I guess it's understandable bc my mom is 52 and she's been on and off different diets my entire life, she keeps saying things like "I've been on a diet since 8th grade" and is always starting a new diet for every vacation or upcoming event etc, so I guess I must've internalized it at some point bc I've also been dieting since 8th grade and always starting new diets for different seasons and holidays etc...

But anyway so now that it's summer and July is about to start and it's hot outside and there's not really anything else to do bc of the pandemic, part of me just wants to jump back into another diet and exercise plan, I don't really need to lose much weight but I can definitely be eating better and tone up some muscles, and my first instinct is to just go back to my standard format of blogging my weight and workouts every day, keeping a food log and eating as little as possible, focusing on mostly protein and veggies etc, but then I worry about how I'm being judged by all the anti-diet people on Tumblr now, and I tell myself I shouldn't be interacting with non-diet blogs while blogging about dieting, but I'm also kind of tired of the toxic diet content and I want to branch out into other health and wellness topics, and I wonder if I should even be blogging about my weight and diets at all or if I'm just being narcissistic and perpetuating this cycle of toxic diet culture under a blanket of ~health and wellness~ quotes/pictures...

I know I should actually be focusing on creating a healthy lifestyle for myself and figuring out how to have consistency this time, instead of just repeating the same diet-binge-diet cycle over and over... I want to be adding all these healthy habits into my lifestyle but I'm lacking the discipline and motivation to sustain it, and part of me feels like if I can just think it all out, I can create an ~optimized lifestyle plan~ that will take care of everything and I just need to follow the plan every day, but honestly I've created so many lists/goals for myself over the years and it only works for a few weeks before I fall off, so maybe it's just impossible to live up to such a regimented schedule like that for the long term? But it's not impossible for some people, and if I lived alone I could probably do it, but then I wonder like am I being a crazy wellness fanatic to be fantasizing about this ideal lifestyle where I live alone and only do healthy things lmao when really I should be thankful that I can share my life with such a nice man who loves me, and realistically what I need is to find balance between my wellness goals and my relationship and my social responsibilities and my artistic ambitions... I usually feel overwhelmed by the need to balance all of those aspects and instead of taking care of my responsibilities I waste so much time either watching TV to ignore everything, or just like sitting around on Tumblr/Pinterest fantasizing about a life where I don't have to do anything besides the art and wellness activities, and then when I decide "ok I'm gonna get my life together and take care of all these responsibilities" I usually just get sidetracked into an overly restrictive diet which just makes everything else even harder lmao but at least it's easy to see numerical progress on the scale every day... Other things aren't so easy to see progress and so it's easier to ignore them until they become a giant problem that's overwhelming to deal with...

The main problem is that I'm constantly overthinking everything and I'm stuck in my head all the time, instead of working towards making real meaningful progress on real meaningful goals, in a sustained effort over time... I'm not going to find what I'm looking for on Tumblr so idk why I keep coming back here thinking I'll find it this time... But I'm also lonely and I want to share my inner monologue with people bc it's like I'm living two separate lives, the outer surface and the inner suffering, and it's just hard bc I want to stop suffering inside but it's too hard to make all the changes at once and idk where to start... in the past I started with dieting which works for a little while but then I keep letting it go and starting over in a few months rather than continuing on to the next level lmao. And like I hit my GW 3 years ago and I've been mostly maintaining it this whole time so why can't I move on to the next level yet!!

So, this time the key is to not just get sucked into another restrictive diet under the guise of progress lol, this time I have to focus on something else like creating a habitual daily practice of exercise and meditating and creative work, hold myself accountable to doing it every day until it's second nature, and then once this is established add on the next goal, don't try to do it all at once bc we try that every time and it never works lol

Tldr I just really struggle with this whole human existence thing!!!! If you read this far tell me what you think I'm open to anything you wanna throw my way lol thx for letting me shout this into the void y'all ~

#personal

[fyeaitsme-blog]

1-100!

100 questionsIs a kiss considered cheating? YesHave you ever faked orgasm? YesIf you could have one superpower, what would it be? Mind reading 😈Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years? No, I'll be drowning in student debt lol. Tell us some funny drunk story. Don't have one! Found out the bad way that I'm allergic to alcohol :( Why are you no longer together with your ex? I made school my priority instead of him so he didn't feel loved enough..If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? In my sleep pls or anyway without pain What are your current goals? I just wanna hear back from this internship dude 😭 I just wanna know did I get it or nah cause that job is goals. Do you like someone? Yes Who was the last person to disappoint you? An ex-friend Do you like your body? YesCan you keep a diet? Yes If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say? Hey, you are all loved. Don't forget that. Do you work? Yes. Two jobs. If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be? Hot wings and celery Would you get a tattoo? Yes. Planning on getting one in January for my 20th birthday. Woot woot. Something you don’t mind spending all your money on? My parents' happiness or charity. Something good for the world. Can you drive? Uhm, yes but a friend told me "Asian drivers, no survivors" so...When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful? Two weeks ago What was the last thing you cried for? A friend Do you keep a journal? Kind of. It's a private blog called Jenournaling. Is life fun? Hell yeah when I'm not working haha Is farting in front of people irrelevant? No. Only in front of best friends haha. What’s your dream car? Audi R8 or BMW i8 ❤️❤️❤️ Are grades in school important? YesDescribe your crush. He has nice eyes and a caring soul. He's funny and smart. Everything about him is soft... his tone, his facial features, his hair..No words can really describe the giddy and peaceful feeling I have when I'm around him. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you? Slevin What was your last lie? Can't remember... haven't told many lies in a longggg time Dumbest lie you ever told? Uh.... I don't know. If i lie, i try to make sure it doesn't sound dumb...?Is crying in front of people embarrassing? In front of strangers, yes. Close friends? Nah. Something you did and you are proud of? Creating a digital fragmented collage about cultural identity and getting published! What’s your favourite cocktail? Moscow mules if that's considered a cocktailSomething you are good at? Kayaking & Eating & Definitely sleeping :) Do you like small kids? The cute, good ones. Not the spoiled ones that run around the house and doesn't listen to anyone. How are you feeling right now? Fullllll. I just had dinner. What would you name your daughter/son? Not really sure... maybe X and let them change their name when they're 18. What do you need to be happy? To be ok alone Is there some one you want to punch in the face right now? Kind of, yeah. but I don't think I can ever hurt anyone again :( What was the last gift you received? An orange milkshake from Arby's :) What was the last gift you gave? A metal plaque saying World's Greatest Teacher to my manager ❤️What was the last concert you went to? Charlie Puth Favourite place to shop at? ZaraWho inspires you? Lucy Liu How old were you when you first got drunk? Never got shit-faced before How old were you when you first got high? Never got high How old were you when you first had sex? 18 When was your first kiss? Hmm.... I don't remember. It was a while back... like... 12? 14? Something you want to do until the end of this year? Follow a plant based diet Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done? Yes. Don't we all have that? But no regrets though... everything that has happened has made me who I am today Post a selfie. Uhhhhhh.... ok will do. Who are you most comfortable around? Mah 2 Best friends :) Name one thing that terrifies you. Cockroaches What kind of books do you read? historical for work and usually they're almost always borderline conspiracy What would you tell your 12 year old self? Be more considerate of others, you asshole. What is your favourite flower? Lily's breath Any bad habits you have? I bite my nails when I'm nervous What kind of people are you attracted to? Smart, humble individuals who aspire to do something great with their lives. What was the last thing you cried for? A friend... is this a repeat question? Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you? Yes... duck fetus, also known as balut and insects. Are you in love? I wish. I heard it was great. Something you find romantic? Just sitting somewhere quite as we watch the skyline 🌃 How long was your longest relationship? Ahhhhh.... official relationship would be 3 months.. and unofficial would be something that's been on and off for about 4 years What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex? Chattiness, judgmental, liesWhat are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? Cockiness, doesn't understand the female mind, cowardiceWhat are you saving money for? Traveling How would you describe your bad side? Dark and twisted. Depressed. Sad. Are you actually a good person? Why? To an extent. I try to live a good, simple life. I don't really mess with anyone and stay in my lane. I've been drama free since junior year of high schoolWhat are you living for? I want to do good for the world and humanity. Have you ever done anything illegal? Maybe Do you like your body? Yes. This is totally a repeat question. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally? Yes and if I see them again I want to say I'm sorry :( Ever sent nudes? HAHAHAHHA. yes.Have you ever cheated on someone? No Favourite candy? Swedish fish Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it! Nope. Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game? LoLFavourite TV series? Elementary Are you religious? Does God exist? No and maybe? What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why? Ecocide. Yes! It's eye-opening. Just read the back cover summary. What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism? Trying to be vegannnnnnn How long have you been on Tumblr? Years... on and off Do you like Chineese food? Hell mother fucking yeah and DIM SUM. McDonalds or Subway? Subway Vodka or whiskey? Whiskey Alcohol or drugs? Drugs Ever been out of your province/state/country? YesMeaning behind your blog name? It's just me man. What are you scared of? Being forgotten. Being a failure. Last time you were insulted? Haha... every day :( Most traumatic experience ? Getting bit by a dog and then going to some weird voodoo doctor ._. When I was freaking 4. Still have nightmares sometimes. Perfect date idea? Oh, anything' cool as long as we're laughing and having fun! Favourite app on your phone? Tumblr :) What colour are the walls in your room? Beige Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber? Yes. Jenn Im Share your favourite quote. There's too many!! Here's one from one of my favorite poems! "Do not go gentle into that good night, Old rage should burn and rave at close of day." What is the meaning of life? Make good with the life you have. Do you like horror movies? YesHave you ever made your mum cry? What happened? Yes. I was crying Do you feel lucky or special in a way? Lucky to be where I am in life Can you keep a secret? Always.