#this is an issue I can’t get into without my therapist and doctor have to legally do Some Stuff if I spill what I’ve got on this subject

[haet-sal]

Sunwoo Series - Bad Person Behavior

Kim Sunwoo, resident bad boy-slash-rich sycophant... mommy issues? Check. (Destroyed his mom's remarriage.) Daddy issues? Check. (Can’t say the word 'dad' without gagging.) When his therapist tells him he's got issues over issues and uses people like objects, what does he do? Doctor Shin, your wife has an excellent body...

Follow the series!

Warnings: graphic (&mostly unprotected) sex, age gaps, BAD PERSON BEHAVIOR, CHEATING, talks about cumming and sex, sex as manipulation, CHILD ABUSE starting from chapter 2

1 - Dangerous Liaisons ft. Sangyeon & Younghoon 11.5k

“Imagine if he loses all of his son’s respect,” you say. “All those good-dad points, gone.”

“Let’s make this a challenge: if you still haven’t fucked him after three tries, I’ll happily give up, admit he’s a good dad, and let him marry my mother. If you succeed though… you’d be the greatest seductress in the world, and I—I will be over the moon.”

You quirk an eyebrow up at him, but he already knows he’s got you—Sunwoo always gets you. “Deal.”

Your best friend and partner in crime has a job for you: destroy his step-family’s life, and from the inside out. What can you say? You just never could say no to Sunwoo.

2 - Do I Look Like Your Mommy? Ft. Milf!reader

You think I’m just gonna let you use me? I’m not your fucking toy.

When his therapist tells him he can’t handle his relationships, Sunwoo sets out to prove: no, old man, you can’t handle your relationships. Once again, Kim Sunwoo uses and discards people—only this time, he gets hurt in the process.

3 - A Weak Heart ft. Haknyeon

If Kim Sunwoo falls in love with someone he can’t have, it’s just karma at this point.

Sunwoo thinks his best friend’s ex is someone he can easily go after, just for the hell of it. He didn't expect to feel love, for once in his lifetime—and he's not letting go.

Open Taglist!!!!

#sunwoo x reader #sunwoo smut #sunwoo imagines

[tsunderedoctor]

He purple! If you didn’t mind I wanted to ask if I could ask for an emergency request? I’m starting to see a new therapist soon to help with my selective mutism and I wanted to request a scenario where Aokiji, Corazon, Law, and Killer helping to encourage a partner who is seeking treatment for that and kind of comforting them when it gets to be a lot to take on? Thank you for your help! I hope you have an amazing day :3

I will do my very best!! I hope your therapist is very understanding and if it doesn’t work out, it’s okay! You did your best and I’m proud of you!! 💜💜💜

He’s a quiet man himself, due to being in the military for so long, he’s used to only speaking when told to. So to say the least, he understands being mute.

if anyone asks or gets annoyed at you for not speaking, let them talk to him, it will end quickly. He can be quite loving when needed, so he will remind you that you’re fine and did nothing wrong.

Helps you through the process of starting therapy by answering any questions and letting them know your condition, just so they understand better.

At the end of it all, he will do his best to support you by doing acts of service, he wants you to know he cares about you, whether it’s helping with chores or speaking up for you, he has your back!

As a person who spent his life in silence, he completely understands and won’t push you to open up until you are ready. Sometimes words aren’t needed when actions can be used instead.

Speaking of actions, he might be a kind sweetheart, but even this man can get violent. Especially when it comes to those he loves and people not understanding boundaries. If he blew up hospitals for people calling Law a monster, he’s going to blow up stores for people making rude comments to you. 

Is very supportive and provides lots of notepads and pencils for you to talk with! He does the same at times, so sometimes its nice to have someone who truly understands him. 

If you ever have a moment where you just want to scream but are afraid of voicing out those frustrations, let him know and he will use his Devil Fruit! It’s a great way to release the pent of frustrations and stress without add anymore emotional stress to you. 

Law can be quite the stickler when it comes to your wellbeing. He wants you well both physically and mentally. So when you go mute from time to time, it personally worries him. This is something he can’t control nor fix and he hates it. 

Has no problem speaking for you however, but will do so with a begrudging attitude, reminding you that he won’t always be around. (but he will be don’t worry-)

Due to being a doctor himself, he knows your whole medical history and talks to your therapist before the meeting, letting them know what to expect or how to help you open up. He wants you to be successful and will do whatever it takes to get you to a healthy mental state. 

Is a total hypocrite though and will tell you to do your therapy homework or coping skills while drinking his 8th coffee while he hadn’t slept in 3 days.

Similar to Kuzan, Killer is a quiet man. He was ridiculed for his laugh as a child and I headcanon he has some neglect issues. Due to these events, he doesn’t talk much and struggles with his own mutism at times. 

He can be just as violent as Cora, but patient like Law. He’s a great mixture of all three actually. he wants you well, but knows it is at your own pace and will literally cut someone in half if they even look at you the wrong way.

Is a silent supporter, the one who holds your hand as you wait for the therapist and gives you a reassuring smile. Already planning on how to celebrate your accomplishment as you head inside!

Just wants you to be happy, if this means writing/texting each other, spending quiet nights watching a movie, or just holding you in his arms. he doesn’t mind, as long as you can give him a smile every once in a while!

#tsunderedoctor #emergency request #Aokiji #Kuzan #aokiji kuzan #aokiji x reader #kuzan x reader #donquixote corazon #donquixote rosinante #corazon #cora-san #corazon x reader #rosinante x reader #trafalgar d. water law #trafalgar d water law #trafalgar d law #trafalgar law #trafalgardwaterlaw #trafalgar law x reader #massacre soldier killer #killer one piece #killer x reader #one piece #one piece x reader #one piece headcanons #one piece comfort

[lily-orchard]

This shit is getting crazier and crazier. Courtney’s arguing that your parents were shitty enough to say and do all those things, but not shitty enough to want you removed from the household for selfish reasons.

She’s claiming that they didn’t remove you because they didn’t care for her well being, which is doubtful given the “at least we care about you, Courtney” comment. But even if this is true, it still misses the heart of the question. If your parents hated you to the point of trying to abandon you, they would absolutely be willing to remove your for selfish motives. Courtney’s given no reason why they wouldn’t jump at the chance to remove you. She also points out the fact your father removed Cameron for his own benefit, which further indicates that he would have no problem doing the same to you.

Her evidence for why you're the “favorite”, to the point that your parents would cover up SA for you, is because you went to doctors and therapy. This 30 year old is jealous that you got treatment for your medical issues. There’s just no words for this level of disgusting, petty, immaturity. If that’s the extent of Courtney’s childhood trauma, she’s very lucky indeed.

She also mad that your dad would play slugbug with her and not you. No I’m not joking.

Side note: Courtney’s own anons can’t even keep the story straight. In their defense this is another instance of Courtney’s story changing.

In this post the anon claims Courtney never told your parents about being scared of being SA. In the post a few days ago, she claimed she was begging you dad for a lock because she was “scared of being SA by you”. Before that she claimed a therapist, A MANDATED REPORTER, told your parents you were a danger to her. She claimed the MANDATED REPORTER, did no follow up reports with child services and just took your parents word for it. Given how absurd this is, I see why she dropped it.

https://web.archive.org/web/20240201210744/https://www.tumblr.com/pleasetiemyshoe/741153942844637184/the-things-that-lily-and-her-anons-say-are

Actually this touches on something I talked about months ago.

Yeah, I was dragged to doctors all the time. Because I didn't behave.

The thing about our parents, is that despite dragging me in and out of doctors and hospitals, they didn't actually care about my health. They wanted me to obey and shut up. And if a Doctor couldn't provide a magic word or pill that made me behave and shut up, then that doctor was a failure.

Yeah, I got some great therapy when I was in the hospital for a year, but that only happened because the court put a no-contact order on my parents. They weren't allowed to interfere or be involved until I let them be involved. So I got actual therapy for my actual problems.

But it never solved my parents' issues, because my parents' issues were that I was combative and disobedient. And I was combative and disobedient because they treated me like shit. There was this unrelenting casual rudeness in the house, and they would always say I was "too sensitive" when I complained about it.

And then my father wonders why I won't drop everything to wash his fucking dishes.

Courtney, however, was quiet. She did what she was told. She behaved (in front of them).

And that was all they cared about. Nothing else mattered to them. They wanted quiet obedience and they didn't care about anything else. Mental wellbeing, trauma, depression, being happy, those were all things that didn't matter. They would say this explicitly.

Even to this day I can't tell my parents anything without them tuning me out, interrupting me, or changing the subject because if it doesn't effect them then they just don't care. They are completely disinterested in anyone else's lives.

Courtney is taking her anger out on the wrong person. I said this in a post a while ago. Courtney is mad that I got more attention. But getting attention from our father wasn't a good thing. It was a bad thing. Dad's attention was something to avoided at all costs.

#lily orchard #courtney peet #courtney orchard #brittany johnson #britts galaxy brain #lily orchard drama #lily orchard discourse #stalking #harassment

[salemcantupdate]

I think the issue with Shane is, instead of you inspiring him to fix himself, you just kinda end up being a crutch for him to lean on. Which isn't always a bad thing, but if that's what your friendship/relationship is built on... not very Healthy. This is coming from a Shane Fan.

I’ve just gotten past his heart event where he’s at the cliff. And I personally don’t think the Farmer is a crutch? Like, YOU aren’t the one to tell him he needs therapy, Harvey is. And he decides to go without your input.

To me, the best answer when he is on the cliff asking if he should just end it all, is to say “Whatever you choose, I am here for you.” Sometimes when you’re in that deep or a depression, you can’t stand on your own, there is no light. But if you can be 100% sure at least someone will be with you through it all, it can give you a lot of strength.

If anything, I think that it’s a mix of Jas, Marnie, the Farmer, Emily, and Harvey that helps Shane. Maybe that’s headcanon, but

Jas looks up to him and he doesn’t like her seeing him like this, Marnie gives him a place to stay even when he’s such a mess, the Farmer talks to him and works to befriend him, Emily is the person who dances with him at the flower dance (which I find significant, I fully think she wants to befriend him as well), and then Harvey is a doctor who cares and gives him the resources to get better (a therapist).

To me this story is all very strong, and I think the Farmer is important here for a very strict reason. Everyone other than the Farmer can easily have a “reason” to be nice to Shane. Jas and Marnie cause they’re family, Harvey cause he’s a doctor, and Emily cause her pay is based on Shane buying drinks and sticking around. She’s also famously friendly.

But what sours me is the fact that if you marry him, first of all his spouse room has beer cans (I can forgive messy, he is depressed - but beer????) and the fact that if the relationship goes poorly he legit goes back to drinking. I’m also not a fan of what I’ve heard of his 14 heart event in which the Farmer and Marnie doubt his commitment to not drink. It just bothers me a lot. I guess that does lean to your point though, since if his dedication to not drinking is based on his relationship with the Farmer…

Gah, this is why I feel so iffy about playing a route where I get with him. Bashing my head against the wall here

#stardew valley #stardew valley Shane #sdv Shane #sdv #salemcantupdate talks

[brasideios]

Another of ‘those’ posts crossed my dash recently that shocked and pained me.

It made the point that therapy for mental health issues might not work. You might find an unprofessional therapist who cannot be trusted or one who wants to shove pills in your face and tell you to go away without doing anything else, and both those things really might fuck you up.

But you know what will 100% definitely fuck up your life?

Unresolved trauma. Untreated mental illness.

I have seen it and still see it in some of the people closest to me. People with such severe depression that they can’t make friends or hold down a job. People who have such little hope they give up on finding better things and settle for violent, nasty or simply loveless relationships which increases their misery and hopelessness. People who can’t have normal relationships with anyone at all because of their issues and have become progressively lonelier and more depressed and less able to cope over time. More people than seems right who have self medicated themselves into a mental institution or serious addiction or died because they overdosed or had a serious accident under the influence. And those who have tried to kill themselves. Some who succeeded.

I have been that guy myself. I have been the person who said, fuck seeing a doctor, I’m just going to get on it and bury it. I’ll get through this alone - high or drunk, or both. And I tried to end it, twice, before I got over my sense of deserving to suffer, that life was supposed to be painful and miserable, and sought help.

I get so angry and so sad seeing posts that push this fear of therapy on the slim chance that it might go badly.

People often need help. Sometimes they need medication.

It is completely irresponsible to push a rhetoric encouraging people to not seek the help they need.

It is OK to be afraid yourself - therapy is *a lot*; but it is not ok to fear monger to vulnerable people.

#mental health post #therapy #tw: mental health #tw: suicide #tw: depression #tw: addiction #this is the second time I’ve felt compelled to respond to a post like this #I hope it will be the last I see #please for the love of the gods #get help if you need it #if the therapist you see is bad #go to another #please please please seek help #there is hope you can get better #I am living proof of that

[multiplicity-positivity]

i don't know if you guys are going to be able to help us but I don't know who to turn to,

Just for context, I am part of a newly discovered system, we have known that there are multiple people around it's been a couple of years but it was just recently that it was suggested that this might be caused by a disorder, but this is something that only a couple of other alters know about; our host knows about us and has interacted with us before but he is in deep denial over it.

Anyway, recently I have been trying to organize things and manage our inner world but we are having quite a few problems with communication and acceptance over this condition and it's starting to leak into the host's everyday life; (like for example we aways suffered from headaches due to switching but it's been getting more frequent and it makes our host (or anyone for that matter) to be completely unable to function properly, which leads to other health related problems); I know I should seek a therapist or a doctor to talk about this but medical care at the moment is pretty much impossible because of monetary and trauma related reasons so I am not sure how I should go about this; I just want to take care of my system and our host but it is just getting a little too much and I am lost I don't know what to do.

I am here looking for some advice from people that understand system related issues like this but it's completely okay if you guys can't help us, and my apologies in case you already answered any other ask like this.

Thank you.

Hi! So we know you said you couldn’t seek therapy or medical help, but we’d like to pass along something that often gets repeated for us in therapy.

We’ve been doing trauma work over the past 8 months or so. It is grueling, exhausting, and depressing work. We regularly get overwhelmed and reach a point where we’re not able to function. When it gets to this point, we don’t talk about trauma in therapy until we’re feeling better. It’s all about prioritizing our health and well-being, and that can’t happen if we’re always pushing ourselves in therapy and in our everyday lives without taking breaks to check in and relax.

Even if y’all aren’t doing trauma work, something very similar may be happening. You might be trying to take on too much at once, causing your system to suffer as a result. If learning about and trying to manage your system is making it difficult for you to function, you very well may need to pump the brakes for a while. Spend some time not focusing on your system. Learn a new hobby, watch a show or play a video game, and let your system’s inner workings sit unconsidered for some time. After your system has had a chance to calm down, and you’re not stressing out over your plurality as much, it may be safe to continue your efforts. But pushing yourself and your system too hard too fast can absolutely cause your system to get burnt out and have more difficulties recovering than normal.

So definitely our best advice for y’all would be to take things slow! Don’t push yourself too hard, and if it’s getting difficult to function, pause your efforts of in-system work until your system is feeling better. Do something you enjoy for a while and try to relax. Your system isn’t going anywhere - it’s okay to take your time figuring this out. And going slowly/taking your time with this will have huge benefits for your whole system. There’s no rush to get everything sorted and figured out ASAP. In fact, rushing like this can be detrimental (and it sounds like it’s had some negative effects on your system!).

For your host in denial, we have a post specifically for dealing with denial - maybe it could help put his mind at ease and take the pressure off the rest of you a little bit:

We’re wishing you the best of luck with this! We really aren’t a good stand in for therapy or medical treatment, though we understand you may be nervous to seek treatment if you’ve been traumatized in the past, or entirely unable to afford it. We hope that soon you can get the help you need for your system - there are gentle, trauma-informed therapists out there who could handle your system’s situation with kindness and grace! Until you’re able to access something like that, though, we’re wishing you peace, comfort, and plenty of rest! Good luck with everything, and remember to stay hydrated and take plenty of breaks!

🌸 Margo and 💫 Parker

#trauma #therapy #burnout

[copperbadge]

Im still working your ADHD tag and Im learning so much thank you btw, but do you have any tips on finding a good clinician/ psychiatrist also? Im in a foreign country now too so Im depending on online resources to seek a good one

I unfortunately think, especially without knowing what country you’re in, I’m probably not ideal in terms of giving advice. Finding my psych is the first time I’ve gone looking for a mental health professional in decades. I can talk about what I looked for, but I think you should also ask in your area if you can -- even if you just ask your local doctor, they may have advice to share. 

Now, all that said....

When I went looking I was basically just googling. I had a few keywords in mind, primarily “Adult ADHD” and “Medication management” along with “psychiatrist” and “Chicago”. Medication management probably has a “real” definition, but to me it indicates someone who is focused on prescribing and monitoring a medication regimen rather than engaging therapeutically. I can’t speak from direct experience but I personally would prefer my theoretical therapist and my actual prescribing doctor not be the same person. 

But I don’t know if these terms are used elsewhere. I don’t know how people treating for adult ADHD advertise outside of Illinois, and I don’t know if medication management for ADHD is even a thing in some regions. Stimulant medication is banned in many parts of the world (pretty much all of Europe, and I believe Japan; not sure about others). 

One thing I encountered and afterward actively looked for was people who advertise as being LGBTQIA+ friendly. It’s not something I need or would think to look for, but the second I saw it on a profile, I felt more trust. It indicates a certain liberal attitude I likely share, plus someone who has overcome rigidities around “I will convert them to my way” rather than “I will work with this person where they’re at.” I’m pretty sure Dr. C is gay so that probably wasn’t an issue for him, but it makes me feel better having a psychiatrist who’s willing to state he’s queer-friendly on his profile. And I like to support the queer community, lord knows they’ve supported me. 

Anyway, those are the things I looked for, but I think also it’s sometimes just dumb luck and knowing when to back away slowly when you accidentally get someone you clearly aren’t going to be able to work with. That just...happens sometimes. But I do wish you luck and I hope you can find someone! 

#sam has adhd

[yukidragon]

What Will be Jack's reaction if MC go to therapy?

I feel like I’ve touched on this topic briefly in a couple other posts, though I only found one of them. Maybe I need to see about getting a search engine feature for my blog. The amount of headcanons and information I have in them is getting way bigger than I ever expected it to be.

Anyway, onto the topic at hand. I think it all hinges on why MC feels the need to get therapy. If they are mentally unwell in a way that they can’t handle on their own, and it’s too much for him to help them, then I think he would support them seeing a medical expert. You go see a doctor when your leg is injured, so why should be any different if it’s your brain?

If the reason MC wants to go to therapy is because of Jack... Oh my is he going to try his best to talk him out of it. Even if their reason for going is for something else, I can see him cautioning them against talking about him to the therapist. No one else will understand them and the special connection they have, but that’s okay. They don’t have to. There’s nothing wrong with them and their relationship.

I don’t think Jack’s presence relies on a mentally ill MC. I think his presence simply relies on them needing him around. There are other ways to encourage them to need him without leaving them to suffer from an illness, and he wouldn’t want them to feel bad like that.

I do think that the MC is having a rough time of it mentally. They might even be depressed. Some of the thoughts they have about themselves indicate that they struggle to care about themselves, and Ian cheating on them hurt them very badly. They might do well with therapy, though that sort of treatment costs money, and I don’t think they can afford it, not if they’re forced to rely on their cheating ex for clothes and the place they’re staying.

Jack cares about MC, so no doubt he’ll do whatever he can to help them get better, no matter what their issue is. If they need to take medicine, I’m sure he’ll dutifully remind them whenever it’s time to take them or ask if they remembered to take it. He would be there to listen to them and their problems, and he’s taken psychology courses in the past so he would have some experience in helping them talk through their issues.

I believe that Jack would support an MC who needs therapy. He just won’t support anything that might threaten his relationship with his sunshine. If the therapist winds up finding out about him and, heaven forbid, try to convince them to let him go and that he’s not real... well, he’s going to need to make sure they won’t tell his sunshine such lies ever again.

@channydraws @earthgirlaesthetic @sai-of-the-7-stars @cheriihoney @illary-kore @okamiliqueur  

#Sunny Day Jack #Something's Wrong With Sunny Day Jack #SunnyDayJack #sdj #swwsdj #Headcanon Ramblings #Ask

[sumira-10]

The Cherry Gold Retrospective

In January 2023, I was in the deepest depth of the aftermath of a medical issue that had, for a lack of words, utterly destroyed me. One day, everything was fine and perfect. I had things lined up, things were looking up, all was going to plan, and then, the worst happened. It led to a series of events that involved minor surgery, weekly blood tests and the inability to work, let alone function. I had tried to go to work, but both times resulted in anxiety attacks so severe that it left me sobbing, bent double, wondering what was wrong with me. 

I was paired with a therapist near the ending half of January, after my doctor extended my medical leave. I only went to one meeting- I couldn’t bear the thought of pouring myself out and exposing all of my problems- all of my recent traumas, past traumas and past mental health issues over and over and over again to a stranger who said all of the right things. 

However, this therapist asked me a crucial question that led to Cherry Gold. 

What are you proud of?

I said, my child. I am always proud of him. 

But what else?

I wasn’t proud of myself, that was for sure. I was having week-long anxiety attacks because of a blood test for a disease I may or may not have, that could lead to a worse disease. I saw literal children do the same blood test without a single tear in their eyes. How could I be proud of myself? I couldn't work, I couldn’t function, I couldn’t be a good mom, a good partner. Every single day was a struggle and there was no pride in my actions. 

Then, I caught up on a few chapters of Bad Thinking Diary. 

Like everyone else, I began reading Bad Thinking Diary because the art was beautiful, and well detailed. The characters were a mixed bag- Kang Yuna was cool, obviously, but trying too hard to be so to mask social awkwardness. Kim Minji annoyed me and I disliked her as a protagonist. 

But it was Oh Hyera and Cho Minjae that interested me. One was a beautiful, mysterious manipulator with secret intentions out to destroy a budding relationship and the other was a willing pawn in a game, loyal and obsessed. 

However, the plot left me wanting. I hated how miscommunication was the main plot device that drove conflict. I hated how the main characters did very little and none of it was satisfying. I wasn’t rooting for Yuna and Minji. I disliked them together. 

So I did what everyone else does with an unsatisfying story- turn to fanfiction. I scrolled through Ao3 and fanfic.net but found nothing that scratched the itch that I had. 

Then, I did the second thing everyone does when they can’t find what they want on the internet, I became inspired to write something. 

Writing had been my escape for years- through all of the hard times, the happy times and the inbetween, I always had a story in my mind, ready to go. I would daydream and fall asleep to all sorts of ideas, then wake up to furiously type them out. Some were original, some were fanfiction. I discovered my sexuality through writing (Hey, I wondered to myself in my early twenties, why don’t I write about straight couples anymore??) and with years and years of practice, I went from writing little stories to winning NaNoWriMo with ease to writing 100k novels for fun. Are any of them good? Beats me. I always wrote for me, and sometimes, very rarely, I would share it with a friend or two. At this point, it had been ten years since I published fanfiction online. 

(And yes, I am old. I am in my early thirties)

 So, on February first, when I was left alone while the world moved on, I dealt with my problems the same way I did when I was a teenager and as a young adult: I wrote. 

And boy did I write. I wrote for hours everyday, losing myself in Cherry Gold, in Minjae’s struggles, sculpting the story I wanted to read so desperately. I wanted to read a story about someone who was broken like me, who relied on the love of others to get by. A story about a young girl who didn’t know better, who was making the best choices she thought she could, hoping it would get better. 

My dopamine deprived brain was feasting- writing every single day, only stopping to eat and do some chores. I hadn’t written like this in years- I had been too burdened with work, school, motherhood to write for hours at a time, uninterrupted like I was a teenager, with my first laptop. A joy I hadn’t felt in years. The act of imaginative creation that unlocked a part of me I hadn’t been able to tap in months. I had been in a writing rut for a year, at least, unable to write more than a few pages but not able to continue or finish the story for some reason or another. My eyes strained and so did my wrists. I forced myself to take breaks but I yearned to write. I couldn’t wait for the next day, to write a dozen pages and see where things would go. I was hardly planning. I was just letting the story go where it wanted, planting seeds and seeing how they would grow. 

I could feel myself getting better. 

It helped that I stopped doing blood tests. My doctor understood why, but urged me to try. I couldn;t. I couldn’t fall back to where I was when I was doing the tests. I was finally happy. I was finally blooming and seeing the light. 

And then I decided I would publish Cherry Gold- if I had trouble finding a fic that would satisfy me, then surely others would, too? Maybe my fic was what they wanted, needed, to read, too? 

I posted a few chapters. The kudos, the views, the comments came in. It was exhilarating- people were reading my fic! They liked it! They wanted more!

So once Cherry Gold came to its conclusion, I wrote the first volume of side stories, to fill in a few gaps that didn’t fit in the fic. 

Then, I came up with a sequel- Midnight Ice. At this point, I was back at work. I was so happy to be back at work- I was given the medical all- clear that I wasn’t suffering from some obscure disease and work was better than ever. I wrote every weekend, sometimes I would wake up at five in the morning just to write before work. 

Midnight Ice came from the love of the craft, of the characters, of the feedback. I couldn’t let Minjae’s story end there. I was too attached to her. I couldn't let her fall to despair like she was in the original manhwa. I cared too much. She needed her happy ending. She needed to be okay, with someone safe. I was doing better, and I was going to make sure Minjae would be better, too. 

The next volume of side stories were written because I honestly just wanted to write smut and happy scenes for Minjae. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to have everything because in the back of my mind, I wanted to tell Hyera’s story, too. 

I wrote so many flashbacks for Hyera, I was getting into her mind. I knew she’d never be satisfied in letting Minjae have her happy ending. I was torn. I wanted to write Hyera’s great revenge. I wanted Minjae to have a happy ending. I wanted her to get married and live in bliss with Yuna. I didn’t want to put her through so much pain. 

So I wrote Rose Dust. I won’t go into much detail, since I’m not done posting it. 

But I finished writing it and realised that there were other characters who deserved happy endings, too. 

I began writing Violet Bones, a spin off of Rose Dust. Go Sunhee, as you will see in the upcoming chapters of Rose Dust, Goes Through Some Stuff and her story doesn’t get resolved. I wrote her story, realised that I didn’t like where it was going, and scrapped half of it. 

And then, I realised, I was in a writing rut. I couldn’t figure out Go Sunhee’s story. We were so similar- we suffered the burdens of being the eldest daughter together, doing our best for our families despite the unhappiness in our hearts. Why couldn’t the words come easily to me?

I gave writing a break. It was autumn, nearly winter now. I had been writing nonstop since February and I needed the break. I needed to stop and let myself refill. I posted chapters of Midnight Ice, the side stories and Rose Dust for now. 

Then one day, I reread my comments. The flood of love and adoration for my writing and I realised, I wanted to write more. After writing Rose Dust, I yearned to write from Minjae’s POV, so it came to me early one saturday morning- a christmas special. 

As much fun as it was to write Minjae again, I was having trouble once more. Too much trouble and in my hurry to make the christmas deadline, I posted chapters without finishing the fic. 

Rookie mistake, I know. 

I know I will finish the christmas special soon, I don’t have any worries about that. I love this past year and what it did to me creatively. Despite the pain and trauma I had to endure to get to this point, I am proud of what I wrote and posted. Is it my best work ever? No, probably not. Writing is a skill that grows with you and I am sure I have more growing to do. I am excited to see what the next year of writing will bring, if Cherry Gold and Minjae will come back to me, with a new story or if something new or original will spark my creativity.

In the meantime, I want to thank everyone who read and commented on the Cherry Gold series! I say this with every comment because I ardently believe it- thank thank thank you. Without you readers, leaving such lovely comments, I would have given up after Cherry Gold. I would have kept Midnight Ice and the rest of the series to myself, if they got written at all. 

After all, for many many years, no one read what I wrote because I wasn’t brave enough to share. Now I am and I am thankful and grateful that I did. 

I’m so, so proud of Cherry Gold. I’m so grateful for my readers and I hope that you will all stick around to see what’s next!

#writing #fanfiction #ao3 #cherry gold #bad thinking diary

[itsgivingautism]

01/18/24 — Zia rants about being autistic & physically disabled & chronically ill in a fucked ableist society & having to be dependent on their partner

Started to have meltdown over this & other stuff to my partner before he left for work…. I didn’t meant to have a morning meltdown. I found myself shutting down and feeling guilty before he left bc I can recognize it’s hard on him even when he doesn’t wanna show it. But needed a place to rant and ended up going off down below for a like an hour. I don’t want to open up but I made tumblr after not being on here since high school for an outlet for a lot of reasons, with support & encouragement from therapists to do so. But I also hate being perceived. I’m just so fucking annoying tho I somehow always bring attention to myself that I never want….. but I’m also learning to tell my story & share my experiences. As an autistic person late diagnosed who was severely abused throughout my entire childhood opening up, learning to unmask & not shutdown, understanding my own thoughts, feelings, & experiences is so fucking hard.

I am so grateful for my partner but god I wish I was independent. I wish I had the ability to take care of myself. I wish I wasn’t so fucking dependent on his love and support. I wish I wasn’t so needy, or clingy. I wish I wasn’t disabled physically and mentally. I wish I wasn’t so wounded & traumatized. I wish I wasn’t so chronically ill. I wish I wasn’t in autistic burnout, a state of prolonged cognitive decline that one average can last 2-10 years.

I wish I could get a job. Even working from home but my mind can’t even. I’m constantly age regressing and going across different timelines of my mind and getting trapped, constantly disconnecting from this current physical reality even when I seem like a part of it to others - but it’s just automatic masking as a trauma response. All a result of my CPTSD+autism+adhd

I haven’t been able to work a real job since 2020. I’ve been fighting to get the support & benefits I need but constantly being shit on. Having to go thru constant channels to prove how severe my issues are and then being told try this treatment first and when it doesn’t work its still somehow my fault. I’m sick of having to prove my disabilities & illnesses and then when I show how bad they are I’m being dramatic. But when I mask & show strength, I must be making it up. How could you be so strong about then? There’s no winning. Only losing. I don’t see a point in showing weakness or asking for help. But then refusing to and bottling it all up, that has lead me to deeply problematic bad spirals. I just want to be taken seriously by doctors & medical professionals. I hate this country.

I wish I was normal. I hate burdening my partner. Although I know he doesn’t want me to feel like one and he genuinely wants to help me, I also know I stress him out….

I am dependent on him financially while his job is fucking over their contracts, refusing to give him & his coworkers the raises they were supposed to get a year ago. Him and his coworkers have collectively trying to unionize for months (which is the only reason they actually didn’t get a pay cut which the company was tryna do even tho they were supposed to give raises last year) and ofc my partner has been the one leading the unionizing. (We joke about my radicalism really rubbing off on him)

I’m constantly trying to find ways to make money, which end up doing more damage to my body. He hate what it does to me. He wishes he could do more while stuck in his work contract. it’s a lot on him. And I feel like his life would be so much less stressful without me tho….. or at least if I could just be normal & healthy….

Even my friends point out that unless I’m talking about my emotions & trauma I don’t make any sense talking…. like burnout really shows…. It’s embarrassing constantly. I sound like a so clearly disabled most of the time. I used to exceptionally smart & articulate before this burnout. Ik they mean it accepting my but it’s hard when 90% of what I say comes out wrong. It’s hard when I’m trying to be supportive and it sounds like asshole shit bc my issues with speech & cognition. I want to be a lovely validating friend. Not the one they have to dissect my word vomit to find the love & support in foolish clumsily words. I’m technically hyperlexic so I can keep creating words but my other learning disabilities downgrade the quality & meaning of those words.

But I also only make sense when talking about my looping emotions & trauma is bc I only share what I can (the deeper stuff is vaulted by selective mutism & shutdowns). This is the shit going thru my brain, talking to myself about and looping constantly. Ofc it’s the only thing I can talk about. But even most the time I’m still not making sense entirely. But it’s all I can think about, talk to myself about, and it’s all the my brain is giving me permission to share about myself.

#disability rant #autistic rant #actually autistic #actually disabled #actually chronically ill #autistic adult #autistic blogger #disabled blogger #autistic experiences #disabled #chronically ill #actually cptsd #Zias diary 🌿 #Zia 🌿 #chronic illness

[woonietune]

Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated, for I was only wiping countertops with my left hand and weeping into my collagen supplements, not being dissected by first-years at the medical school

Lots of catching up to do. I haven’t posted in a while. I got sick. I mean, I know I’m always getting sick, but this time I got so sick that I lost a lot of the use of my right hand. I couldn’t pick up one of my fluffy chickens without the owies--and I have a high pain threshold. I thought maybe I was having a stroke--or a bad case of hypochodria but once those things were ruled out, no one knew what it was. It wasn’t Covid. It wasn’t some weird autoimmune thingie (as of yet--I suspected that--but it wouldn’t be that). Maybe my allergies had evolved into some Godzilla version? I couldn’t sweep a broom across the porch. The inflammation was so bad I couldn’t wear my rings, and worst of all, I couldn’t type. 

I couldn’t get an appt with my PCP for three months (because this is the way things are in the USA in a state where Bobby Fuck U Jindal let five private insurers compete for Medicaid clients and basically set into motion the now standard Republican model of Let Disabled People Die Who Needs Them). Anyway, I did see a nurse practitioner who sent me to get x-rays in one hospital and to get bloodwork in another--and the results came back that there was nothing wrong with me. I was reporting pain 8/10 but was told to take Tylenol and that the doctor would see me in three months.

That was back in December? I don’t think I’ve gone ever without writing for 3 months. I paid out of pocket for some acupuncture (never had it before--it was cool beans) and got some relief; I adjusted my diet, already vegetarian to as sanctimonious a vegan, anti-inflammatory diet as I could manage, and I felt a little better. I used Google Voice to chat with fandom friends. Google Voice told of the adventures of Dog Food, the great warrior, and Wound, the former assassin of Cooks Up a Wrong, and I was miserable. I wanted to write. Writing was my only real down time. Without it, my brain was in the wilderness.

During my no-writing period, I had two ear infections, my therapist gave leave, the family got mild Covid infections (during which time my arm felt oddly better), and I knew instinctively I had to rest. I picked up a heavy detergent bottle and got the owies bad the next day, so I let the house go to hell. I spent a lot of time lying in a dusty room I couldn’t clean (this was before the maid from Hell--I’d never hired a maid before in my life, but when I did, whoever hexed me made it so I got one that made already made beds and put the flat sheets under the fitted sheets, didn’t wash the cleaning foam out of the bath-tub, left large swaths of rug unvacuumed, broke several little minatures--I superglued them back but STILL--and left the kitchen floors grimy and put an envelope marked IMPORTANT on the kitchen in a super secret place among a bunch of bookshelves), and I let my mind wander the way it had when I was twelve or so....

Why am I trapped in this consciousness? Why can’t I be in the mind of that person or that other person? Or why can’t assume the presence of a tree or a cloud? Why am I me? And did I choose to be me? And where am I going? 

Agnosticism on any issue was the default, and if I wasn’t writing, it wasn’t only my right hand that was hurting, it was my brain. It hurt from awareness.

The maid from Hell cleared away some of the dust in the house (not much), but mostly she kicked my head out of its dusty sophomoric philosophizing. I was so mad over her bad house-keeping that I got up and started to clean my own house with one hand. I didn’t do a bad job, and my disabled family helped, even if they did turn some white clothes pink in the wash. Nobody died. The house never had a chance to grow black mold. 

When the PCP appt finally rolled around, the doctor examined my arm this way and that and guess what? I had a torn bicep! She recommended physical therapy but there was a waiting list (of course). I went on YouTube to get some practice videos, and there were all these muscle guys who lifted weights there who’d torn their biceps. I don’t know how I’d injured myself, but I’m always doing things I’m not supposed to. I mean, besides picking up 40 lbs dogs. I overestimate my strength and think I’m stretchier and younger than I am. I haven’t done yoga since before the Pandemic, so I must’ve just thought my arm was a squeegee pole or something and strained to clean a cobweb in ceiling corner, who knows.

I was prescribed super antihistamines for my allergies, given meloxicam for pain (lol), and told to rest (lol lol lol). Eventually I could type a little; then I could type a little more; before I knew it I had written more than 100K words in less than a month in a little fandom mini-arc, and my fandom wife was busy whipping my crazy manuscripts into shape because my writing was as out of shape as I was. I’d lost 10 lbs when I’d caught that nasty stomach flu everyone was getting (and I mask and take hazmat-like protocols nearly everywhere because my greatest fear is infecting someone high risk--I’m only moderate-high--and killing that person--I know all kinds of very sick people). My wife was sick too, and I don’t know how she does it, but apparently she can find a backwards quotation mark with a fever 101 and point out a paragraph that needs “more” even if she’s been puking for days and can’t stand up in the shower.

Fandom people are crazy. But we love what we love.

And we love writing for our historically inaccurate historical dramas.

I’ve actually been typing too long already.

This was supposed to be a master post of fics I haven’t uploaded in the past few months.

I’m back in bed, not sick so much this time as overwhelmed by all things overwhelming, and I want to write, but at the same time I want to just lie here and cry.

This world is a terrible place. It’s been blasted with meteors and nuked several times over, and the blood of a million wars have seeped into it, and the Ice Age has come and gone, and here I am, wondering if I’ll get a chance to swim in the ocean again before I die or maybe catch a coffee with a friend or see my dad who can’t fly here because of his bad lungs. Does it matter if I have words? Or are words the greatest illusion of meaningfulness--they’re just blabbity, and they disintegrate into cyberspace just like that stuff--remember paper?--paper used to fall apart when we picked up hundred-year-old books that had gone untouched. 

Actions matter. What we model for our children matters. Decency and kindness, compassion and persistence. Charity and hope, all those things that sound like dull bells until they are live faces with stories in front on your own.

But I don’t get out much anymore. I’m scared of the outside. I don’t march anymore, and my family needs me at home. The animals need me to refresh their water, and the old cat needs me to cut his pills twice a day, and oh, some people need to get over this “don’t enable disabled people.” It’s not enabling a disabled person who has broken legs if you hold his crutches while he sits in a car to go to a doctor’s appointment. You don’t know all the circumstances. Parents of disabled children--well, many of them, research hard and try many things, advocate hard, make phonecalls every day and we thank you for your judgement very much. We live in fear every day that our children will die in the system when we’re gone. 

Some days I feel all I have are my words. These words that are nothing. These words that are my playing around. I was diagnosed with cataracts not long ago. I am afraid of going blind now. But some surgery in a few years, they say--I’ll be fine. I hope so. I may not be fine in other ways. I knew there was something wrong with my eyes. I have optical migraines. My fingers don’t move they way they used to. My brain feels young--younger than ever, maybe twelve, the age I was wondering why I couldn’t share consciousness with a fish in a pond. Later, maybe when the bipolar was kicking in, I felt that I did share consciousness with it. And who will tell me I am wrong? The world’s great religions--not just my own with it’s Sh’ma Yisrael, the World is One, but so many others, speak of the great inter-connectedness of things.

Are the words in the way, or are they little stepping stones? Or are they both?

I don’t like to touch or hug people very much because of childhood traumas. I save my hugs for my dearest ones and my animal companions, but I throw words around freely, like chicken feed. C’mon and get it... or let it settle and rot in the earth, along with the blood and paper and other forgotten things.

My time isn’t over. This blog will last until... there are new technologies. I thought Tik Tokers would be the new talkers, but it doesn’t seem to be the place. Novelists haven’t disappeared; neither have poets. And despite Elon, Disabled Twitter is still going strong. There’s no telling.

So I’ll keep telling. I still have secrets and untold things. And many pockets full of untold stories. More later. The little fictions (oh this last one is 12k... sorry. Whoever reads it gets a cookie. A pretty Korean one from the palace).

#I was sick #what do words matter #maid from hell #sophomoric philosophy #at the current time I have no therapist uh oh #that's fine I have a support system and a medicating dr #master post of stories coming soon #Cooks Up a Wrong is Heuksa Chorong thank you Google Voice #My fandom wife is really wonderful #I'm not dead but dying #we all are ok? #I have hypergraphia look at my puffy fingers go

[artheresy]

Okay a bit of a personal rant, but it is so immensely frustrating to have so many clear medical issues whether they overlap from the same cause or not and be unable to understand WHY they’re happening and how to stop them while also having no one at all taking you seriously

Like I don’t think it’s normal for me to periodically like every two weeks or so have migraines so horrific radiating pain from the center of my forehead and the nape of my neck so badly that I can’t sleep and feel like moving will cause me to vomit from how painful it is, making me so nauseous it feels hard to breathe too

I am 18, I shouldn’t be having joints that stiffen when I stop moving for 5 minutes and that click when I move, nor should my knees just y’know super easily slip out of place when I’m just trying to walk normally and not fix themselves for a while, forcing me to feel that main and discomfort as I walk. For gods sake, I have gone to the ER for Sciatica, and after consulting an orthopedic doctor, I learned the reason they gave me in the ER for why it was so bad I couldn’t walk was BS so now I have no idea what the cause is

And that’s not mentioning the weirdness in my legs and left arm where sometimes, they’ll ache so badly so painful while radiating heat and making it feel as if my skin is too small and it’s horrible and it’s throbbing pain and it comes and goes with no reason because it’s never sparked by injuries either, it just happens and I’m stuck with dealing with it

And my fucking gut health, like I don’t eat the best and my mom too has a “sensitive stomach” but when I eat things that are fine, my body still has these horrible reactions sometimes and all it does is leave me with no energy, just laying in bed all day feel horrific and in turn, making my leg issues worse?? Because I can’t stand up for more than an hour, I can barely sit down for an hour, and I can barely lay down for long without my legs getting all messed up and I’ve done physical therapy but schedule conflicts and money have put a stop to that

I’m just so tired, I’m so tired p, I want the pain to stop

All they’ve told me about my leg issues is that “Ha you have hyper mobility” and I definitely do, but I dunno I don’t think all my leg issues are solely “a minor case of hyper mobility” especially when my physical therapist in the past was able to move around my vertebrae with her hands very easily when she tested it

Aorry if this is incoherent and sorry for rambling about personal pain stuff, I’m just a bit out of it from how painful this migraine is, my eyes hurt and I can’t sleep this sucks

#i have no energy #im always in pain somehow or in some way #nothing changes #things barely get better #no one takes my pain seriously #my mom thinks i just want to act like a patient sometimes #i just want a solution #i just want the pain to go away and to feel healthy and normal for once #i want to figure out what i have #but i have no idea where to start other than hyper mobility #i dont know how else to check my symptoms whether theyre all related or different #all this pain doesnt help with all the me tal health issues i have too #anxiety disorder depression recurring autism adhd #its like i have barely any energy to begin with and i can barely direct it #and then boom bam wap the little energy i had is gone bc mom used too much oil for the chicken #any medical advice #i know it wont be professional #but like personal experiences would help if anyone has them #im so tired #chronic pain #medical advice

[cripple-council]

hi there!! disabled American teenager here.

in case you haven't heard, the us is an actual hellscape right now, and I know i will not be able to live here as an adult with all of the consequences of capitalism (i will not be able to work as an adult. i don't know what else to do).

so uh. would you mind giving a review of what it's like living in Sweden as a disabled person? like, can you live on disability? (we can't here, lmao.) how long are the healthcare waits? how ableist is society as a whole there? and accessibility and stuff? also, learning swedish would cost too many spoons; does the majority of the population know English?

you don't have to answer this ask if you aren't comfortable, but if you do, I've pretty much narrowed down my list of possible countries to move to to Iceland, New Zealand, and Sweden, so if any other disabled person sees this who lives in one of those countries or has suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated :)

hey!

okay so i can only speak from my experiences, so keep that in mind!

applying for disability benefits isn’t that hard, you can do so through your general health care doctor for physical health reasons and psych doctor for mental health reasons. they’ll fill it in for you and you just have to answer the questions verbally (that’s what i did). this request goes to försäkringskassan, and i got answer pretty quick that i got approved. you can apply for three years at a time if i remember correctly, but they do want you to get rehabilitated so that you eventually can do work to some extent, but you can keep applying. i don’t know much about what happens if you get denied though since that hasn’t happened to me yet thankfully lmao. they also do semi regular check ins during the time you’ve been approved for. for me, they want me to do PT & DBT before i eventually go back to work (and if i’ll even be able to lol), so they do call sometimes to ask how things are going. they are generally annoying but yeah, which government agency isn’t?

the waiting lists are terrible here, they can be incredibly long, i waited 2 years to get into the gender clinic, and that’s actually a short time from what i’ve heard. i haven’t had to get referred to something for my physical health yet (thought i am waiting for that lol), so i don’t know what the general waiting times are for that, but i’m guessing those are long too.

i haven’t had super bad encounters with ableists thankfully, it’s mostly my therapist and the doctors i’ve met that has treated me like shit for wanting pain management (and because i’m fat but that’s a whole other issue). doctors here are incredibly reluctant to give pain medications in my experience, even when i had a 10/10 pain at the ER they wouldn’t give me anything, despite me not being able to walk and screaming whenever i moved around. i’ve only had one good doctor who actually cared about me and my pain, she did prescribe me gabapentin which has helped immensely. it took 5 or something tries to get them to listen to me. so a general rule here is to never give up, and keep fucking nagging the doctors until they care lmao. so yeah, ableist (and fatphobic) doctors is a problem here. i can’t come up with more examples except that most people think that chronic disabilities go away with exercise lmao.

accessibility is different depending on where you live, and i can mostly just speak on where i live. big issue: we do not have public transportation in my town, which is often a necessary thing for some disabled people (who can’t drive etc.). thankfully i have a car, without it i would never leave my home. also in my town, most apartment buildings have the apartments one half floor up aka stairs, there aren’t many buildings in my town that has elevators. the ones with elevators are considered more luxurious here and i’ve noticed they usually have higher rent too lmao. but also i live in a smaller town, so there aren’t many options anyways. if you have specific questions about accessibility feel free to send another ask, because i can’t think of more right now (very tired lol).

and yeah, sweden is a somewhat known for being a good english speaking country if i remember correctly, don’t know the exact rating though. the people who aren’t that good are usually 50+, most young people know english well. swedish is a hard language to learn, but it’s not super super important since for most things you can ask for english i think. but it might be worth trying to learn swedish in your own pace if you’re planning to move here. i’m not sure about how citizenship stuff works here, and if knowing swedish is a requirement.

in general sweden is a decent country, there are a lot of issues but it could be worse. i personally don’t mind living here, things have worked out for me, disability wise and stuff like that.

and to my fellow swedes: feel free to add on to this, and how your experiences has been like!

#ask

[okunainoneko]

A Disability Ramble

I’m writing this after struggling mightily to get under the covers and onto a heating pad. My Christmas present to myself will be a full-length heating pad and a new pair of compression gloves. The evidence is stacking up to support the theory that my unbearable joint pain is autoimmune. I’ve had it for years and written it off as part of my hEDS, but I don’t think that’s all that’s going on anymore. What’s happening to me (yes, more than “just” joint pain) matches up to what I’m reading both in medical and nonprofit literature about rheumatoid arthritis and anecdotal accounts. I have a bunch of risk factors, too, including a strong immediate family history of autoimmune disease. 

But I’m terrified to even try to get answers. Getting my hEDS diagnosis was a nightmare. Doctor after doctor dismissed everything I said. Openly laughed or rolled their eyes. Flat out lied, claiming there was no condition on Earth that could cause [X symptoms at the same time]. Told me I obviously had OCD (I do not). Anxiety (again, no). It was so demoralizing and humiliating and exhausting. And expensive. Years of dead-end specialist appointments, lab and imaging results no one even looked at, all resulting in crushing medical debt that is still ruining my credit to this day. I don’t like to label things as “traumatic,” because I think that word is bandied about way too much right now, but...it was. And it continues to be. My current PCP doesn’t believe that I have dysautonomia, despite my failing a tilt test before she met me, so she randomly “forgets” to authorize refills for my beta blocker...

I haven’t been able to access any interventions for my hEDS. No doctor, including the one who ultimately diagnosed me, has been willing to prescribe anything. PT, OT, braces, nothing. When Mobic and Toradol proved ineffective for pain management, that was it. If those didn’t work, I was clearly faking. The only thing I’ve ever been treated for was one of my three herniated discs. I’ve had two surgeries to correct it, but Medicaid denied any treatment beyond PT (ineffective) for the other two, so I can walk again, but everyday activities and my job (which is very ambulatory) are still agonizing for my spine alone. So while there are management and progression-arresting options for RA, if that’s in fact what I have, I don’t really have any hope that I’ll be offered any of them. 

Or that, if I am, I’ll be able to afford them. I don’t have insurance right now (currently navigating the treacherous and labyrinthine process of applying for Medicaid) and if I am converted to full-time at my job and offered benefits, those benefits are notoriously terrible. Practically worse than no benefits at all. 

I want help, but I don’t want to crawl through burning hoops in a gas-filled dungeon to get it. I’m afraid that initial bloodwork won’t show undeniable signs (it didn’t for my family members) and that doctors will, in their characteristic fashion, throw up their hands and say, “I believe you think you’re in pain--maybe you should see a therapist.” I can’t take that again. I just can’t. It’s a horrible position to be in, even without introducing any demographic issues at all. I’m tired and sad just thinking about it, but then, I’m tired and sad all the time, so what’s the difference?

#personal #logorrhea #disability #neisvoid #autoimmune #arthritis #rheumatoid arthritis #heds #chronic pain

[mashupofmylife]

I’ve written and rewritten and debated this post on all other socials, so naturally it goes up here without a second thought.

I finished residency today. 4 years and 25 weeks after starting. But Psychiatry is a 4 year residency? And American residencies finish at the end of June? 

It took me 25 extra weeks because I spent those 25 weeks in PHPE, and PHP, and IOP, working on my eating disorder, and my depression, and my PTSD. And when I came back to residency I continued to work on all of those things, while also doing the doctor training thing.

I take more meds than most of my outpatients. I have more frequent appointments than most of my outpatients. There are definitely days where I’m jealous of patients who seem to be doing great compared to me. 

Part of me wanted the full story to get shared, because it was a lot on top of a lot, and without the full story you can’t appreciate what my life’s been like. Part of me thinks that no one needs to know how hard I worked and what I overcame to make it to the point in my career. Or that I’m fishing for compliments by sharing all of this.

But hey, shits hard and I’m trying to let myself really appreciate what life has been like.

So maybe I sometimes still end up on the couch for hours wishing I didn’t have to be alive.* I graduated psych residency while juggling treatment for my own mental health issues that have literally knocked me to the ground on more than one occasion. Maybe, just maybe, I can talk about that without turning into a giant tomatohead.

*My therapist knows. And my psychiatrist. And my primary care doc. Honestly this is an improvement from where things were.

#PHPE is like before school babysitting for people who can't be trusted to follow their mealplan #i was that patient #I'm not ready to be a grown up doctor #residency #no more co-signing notes wait what? #fuck ed #psychiatry residency #eating disorder treatment #mental health in residency #anxiety #depression #mental health #ED treatment #residency graduation

[runawaymun]

I’m going to make a tumblr post just to get this out of my system because I’m going fucking feral over One. Someday I’ll write a fic but hopefully this staves off the energy I’m currently vibrating with. This is going to be extremely unhinged & disorganized. 

MAJOR Stranger Things 4 spoilers on this post for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet. 

LOOK. I loved S4 part1. Loved it. Adored every second. The themes. The vibes. Joyce + Hopp. Hnggg.

I’m so mad at how they handled the One = Vecna = Creel situation. It’s just....it’s bad. It’s bad for so many reasons. Narratively it’s bad. Narratively it’s lazy. I really expected more out of the Duffer Brothers. Holy shit. It’s bad.

Chief problems: 

The timeline is too wonky. I checked the wiki and supposedly the dates the Duffer Brothers gave add up, but if you take the show at face value without looking up the actual dates, then One is way too young for his supervillain backstory to have happened when he was a child post WW2. He’s like...max 30 years old. 

Holy god the ableism. HOLY GOD THE ABLEISM. I really trusted the Duffer Brothers, of all people, to deal with mental health appropriately. They have such a good track record. But no, creepy bad kid is bad for no reason. Likes spiders. Turns into a psychotic killer and murders his family in horrific ways and tortures animals for fun. For why? They kind of maybe tried to set it up as a combo of trauma and connecting with the Upside Down, but they didn’t spend any time on it and so it just ends up looking like ‘wow creepy kid is bad for no reason. look he’s still bad and creepy’.

I’m just very disappointed in “creepy child bad”. It’s a lazy, tired trope. They aluded to his parents being horrible people but didn’t show us any of that trauma and made it seem more like One was on a moral high ground vengeance arc, but also batshit insane...at twelve years old? Kids don’t do that. That’s trauma. 

He needed a therapist. Not an exorcism. 

So...if Papa just kind of, what, cloned One to make all the others (or whatever crazy experiment he did?)...how did One get his powers? And what were all the other experiments with giving pregnant women drugs for? I know we’re not through with the season, but this feels a little worldbreaking. It feels like they’re trying to connect too many things and be clever without really thinking their plots and characters through. 

Look there’s more here that I’m too incoherent to type out.

Again. Creepy child bad. For why.  

What I wanted out of One’s character: 

I love One as an antagonist. I adore him. Jaime Campbell Bower’s performance? Holy fucking shit it was chilling. The whole way through I kept going ‘god I want to like you but I can’t trust you. Why don’t I trust you?’ 

I wanted One to be the first experiment baby. I wanted him to be the first experiment baby. I wanted One = Vecna, but NOT One = Creel = Vecna. Why? Because it makes his later decisions make sense. 

If One is the first experiment baby, then imagine the attachment issues! The isolation! The abuse! The horror this child grew up in, being raised in a lab with no other “siblings” the way El had. He’s considerably older than all of the others. Old enough that his only human contact would have been the doctors and orderlies and Papa. True, actual, literal fucking hell. 

Then One becomes uncontrollable. He “breaks” from the trauma and the isolation and the experimentation. The utter dehumanization. He becomes dangerous because that’s what happens when you fuck up people’s attachments and empathy in early childhood. Papa doesn’t want to kill him because he almost works. So he wants him as a failsafe or a template, idk. So he puts the chip in to try and stabilize him. It works. Kind of. He needed therapy and love, but what he got was a microchip.

And then he’s trapped there. He can’t. Fucking. Leave.

And he watches Papa do it again, and again, and again. 

Watches Papa abuse kids he sees as his siblings. As tortured prisoners just like him.

And he can’t get away from it.

So then it makes sense. 

He finds a way to get the chip out of his body, and all he sees is a broken system. He doesn’t know anything about the outside world. He thinks this is all there is. Just this fucked up little biome with fucked up people. He’s too fucked up to survive it. These other kids are too fucked up too. So he puts them out of their misery one by one. It’s a mercy killing. It’s a fucked up way of killing kids but that’s all he has: his psionic powers. But death is death and at this point death is a mercy compared to this awful white-walled purgatory with Papa.

So he kills them. And kills all the orderlies and doctors and patients. Brings down the whole goddamned system. 

And then I don’t know how exactly to get from point A to point B here, but I don’t mind El yeeting him into the upside down. Sure have a disagreement or something. Let the boy go full ham crazy. Let him become that antagonist.

And then YEET him into the upside down and let the Mind Flayer absorb him, creating Vecna.

So Vecna is kind of One but not really. One is a tragedy. A product of trauma. He didn’t get saved the way El did. So the upside down absorbed him and used him to create gates.

It’s poetic, see.

He went from one prison to the next.

And then just throw out the whole Creel = One. One is a product of Creel. Have Creel be a semi psionic-sensitive kid that had contact with the Upside Down and then got possessed by the Mind Flayer, went nuts, and murdered his family. Papa finds him and then runs experiments on Creel to create the rest. So Creel isn’t actually One, just sort of...idk he’s the catalyst. He was a little bit sensitive and a little bit touched, and then Papa’s wack-ass experiments amplified it by 10000000x when he distilled it into One. 

It’s just...narratively so much better. We’ve spent this whole season dealing with PTSD and using Monsters as metaphors for PTSD and trauma. It makes no fucking sense for the monster supervillain to just be a Creepy Kid(tm) (read: ableist trope).

GOD. okay.

#stranger things #stranger things 4 #stranger things spoilers #stranger things one #henry creel #vecna #cw ableism