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#this is a vent post dont be mistaken by the humor
depresseddepot · 3 years
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kids who learned an instrument growing up are superior to everyone else, actually
#this is a vent post dont be mistaken by the humor#not to be dramatic or anything. but there's a lot wrong with me that would've been solved by me just. taking band#we couldn't afford the instrument and i was a 10 year old w crippling anxiety so ofc i refused the offer to borrow or rent one#i heard my mom go 'haha....!! uh oh!! careful you don't break it!!!!!!!!!!!!haha!!' and changed my whole mind#but like i would've remedied my stage fright and i wouldve learned a genuine skill for once in my fucking life#instead of all the useless shit i know how to do that doesn't do anything#im not good at anything useful#i cant cook or bake or play an instrument or draw or speak another language#the only useful 'skill' ive learned in the last 3 years is how to use fucking chopsticks#thats it#im trying to be a little nicer to myself because if i apply myself to something i do catch on really quickly#but i am....as the kids say.....mentally ill#in order for me to feel like ive accomplished something i have to do it all by myself start to finish#but i have adhd baby!! the longest ive applied myself to anything since hs was a month of korean at the start of 2021 before spring classes!#i keep saying 'ill pick it up again in the summer' but what then? i drop it again for a year until i dont have classes again?#im trying so hard to better myself but its like half of me is always trying to sabotage it#i need structure and responsibility that i just cant give myself#and w covid everything is either online or closed and like. im starting to lose it.#im so frustrated with myself all the time#im no better than when i was 3 and frustrated at myself for not being able to talk#was the developmental issues not enough like do they really still have to be a problem as an adult#everyone around me has so many accomplishments and skills and i can what? make cinnamon rolls?#all of my interests mean nothing! everything i love distracts me from the things i want to do to better myself! this is a fact!#u know ur right im a little better in that i dont hate myself for my appearance the way i used to#but its just evolved into something that is arguably so much worse and i dont know if i can ever 'accept' this the same way i did that#covid is no excuse i have no excuse for being this fucking useless#i just want to be able to commit to things why does that have to be so hard for me#im so disappointed in myself all the time#thank you to the one person who reads these you know who you are#please know i love and appreciate you and i think abt you every day and you are much more endlessly patient w me than i deserve
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