#this happened a couple of nights ago whenever i came out of the spiral abyss

[silv3rswirls]

He Loves Her

Note: Coming at ya'll with an unedited vent piece with Jimin because why not. I'm not really even if this could be considered an xreader, but here we are.

Summary: It didn't matter what she did or what happened, he would always love her.

Warnings: Female pronouns, the girl is toxic, Jimin's probably a little toxic too, mentions of drinking and sex, mentions of unwanted sexual advances, attachment issues, mentions of depression

He loves her.

He told himself he loves her.

He knows it’s true, how much he loves her and how much he wants her. But now, as he is sitting contemplating the last few hours of his life, Jimin isn’t sure how much more love he could stand to spare.

He hated it. Hated seeing her with others and being able to move on without him. It left a hollow feeling in his chest, an uneasy mix of nerves in his stomach that made him want to vomit. He couldn’t understand why, she had proved time and time again just why they shouldn’t be together. It never went well, it was always so messy and someone always gets hurt. Whether it was himself or her, Jimin always found himself placing the blame upon his shoulders. If he were the one to end things that week then he found himself falling into a never-ending pit of guilt and longing to have her back.

And when she was the one to end things, everything went downhill. His longing to have her would grow stronger while sadness filled in whatever space was left in his heart. Spending nights lying there, hoping his phone would flash with a message from her. It would go on for months. He, barely eating and trudging through his days with the best mask he could put on for everyone else. Some of the others knew about the on and off relationship. Some knew more than others, Taehyung knew every detail. Every time Jimin recited it to his best friend, seeking comfort and advice. But as the weeks turned to months and those months faded into years, Taehyung’s input began to grow sparse. Trapped in a repeated cycle, Jimin knew he was running out of help.

Always, she came back to him. Or he reached out to her. Apologies and promises repeated day after day, every time it was the same thing: “I love you, I’ll always love you. I’ll change, we can make this work.”

And every time they both believed it.

But this last time things had gone differently. The thing ended as they always did, Jimin was too upset to even reply to her message claiming she didn’t want to keep this up and how there was someone else. Jimin’s heart had tightened, he sat down with his heart beating harder and an unexplained dread tensing his body. He loved her, why was she doing this to him again? He had told himself this time would be okay, he would be good and make things work. He wouldn’t change his mind and break up with her again, and she would do the same. Why was she doing this?

He found himself blacked on every front with no way to message her. He spent the first few days in a haze, barely able to wrap his head around it all again. He hated knowing she was with someone else. It hurt when she was with him, but he didn’t want her to have someone else. He knew who it was, seen pictures of him, and knew a lot via her gushing about him a few months ago while the two of them were labeled as friends. It drove a distant, yet familiar insecurity into him. Jimin knew without a thought he was handsome in many ways, physically and personally. But thinking of her with the other guy sent an uneasy tingle down his spine. What did he have that Jimin didn’t? What did Jimin lack, he couldn’t come up with an answer. He just knew when he thought of the couple self-loathing and insecurity set in. He was Jealous of every other person she shared her love with; how can he compare?

Eventually, she came back. Begging forgiveness and wanting to make things work no matter how hard it is. Jimin’s heart froze when he got the message, it had been late at night and through his sleepy mind, he forgave her over and over again. Because he loved her.

Right?

Something felt bad as the days went on and he stuck to her side like a lovesick puppy without the doe eyes. When he looked at her he felt okay, his need for her attention fulfilled, but he struggled to make her go slow. He wanted things to change, he felt like he barely knew her anymore. He didn’t want to jump back into a relationship, he just wanted to be near her and build things up again.

But like always, things were messy. Nights spent in his car together trying to talk, while she barely opened up and took to trailing hands up his thighs. Touching and rubbing on him while he sat still and nervous, pleading to stop and just talk instead. Despite his discomforts expressed, he always found himself giving in. Whether it be sex that felt off and impersonal or sending pictures whenever she expressed a want for them. She’d take them with little praise and disappear again. But it was okay because he loved her.

Right?

He could barely admit it to himself, how used he felt. He knew deep down it was so wrong and toxic, that he should head Taehyung and his other friend’s worries and step away, but how could he? He loved her, they had known each other for so long, there were so many feelings and memories wrapped up between the two of them. She was the only one who ever made him feel this way, he didn’t want those feelings to end.

He knew it was taking a toll on every part of him. Now unable to open up to his friends he keeps it all bottled up. But it’s okay because she keeps things bottled up and now he does. It’s fine, explaining why he still loved her for the millionth time was too hard and the others must find it annoying by now. He drank more when he was with her. He drank with her and because of her, was unable to wrap a sober mind around her anymore. It’s okay, he tells himself, he loves her.

Until one day it’s not okay.

It’s not, he realizes. He’s depressed and spiraling down into a dark abyss. He’s just sitting there, alone in his apartment staring at the countertop. Unsure of what to do or say anymore. She had stopped telling him she loved him months ago and slowly Jimin did the same. They were still together, Jimin too scared to let go. He wanted to, so bad he wanted to. He wanted to be happier and live a normal life. He didn’t want to keep secrets from his friends anymore, he wanted someone to love him and that someone wasn’t you. Deep down he had known all along, but who would want to admit that to themselves?

He broke things off over the phone with tears in his eyes. She took it fine and told him she didn’t want him anymore either- though Jimin had never used such words against her.

It’s okay now, he doesn’t love her anymore.

But deep down he was scared for the day she came back to him like always. Because deep down he knew he would take her back in a heartbeat.

#jimin angst #bts angst #bts imagines #vent piece #bts x reader #bts fanfic #bts