#thinking it over i keep realizing all the different aspects of my personal relations with others that could definitely be better

[shayyprasad]

weighing scale

tw: eating disorder (purging, not eating), bodyshaming, ed shaming

btw, if it's requested, i can turn drabbles into full oneshots!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you guys are beautiful the way you are, and nothing anybody ever says or does will ever change that. remember that gaining weight is totally normal, and you can always lose weight, too, but please, do it in a healthy way. if you ever need anyone to talk to, and this isn't just for eds, i'm here, and you can reach out. if not, there are people who care about you and love you.

you're amazing you beautiful mfs

(also i'm sorry if this might not be correct for you, everyone has different experiences with eds)

(also, also, i did 1st person ... and this is just the way i thought when i was going thru this so i kinda made it relate w/ me??)

100.

98.

96.

she watched as the numbers went down, satisfied despite the fact that it was only one pound less yesterday.

90.

88.

even if it meant that she'd always be cold, or that her hair would fall out. it was a small price to pay to be beautiful. to be skinny. to be like all the other girls that peter liked.

y/n kept telling herself that. and it was enough to keep her going.

{four weeks prior}

(first person)

they had little packets for us to take home, like forms. something along the lines of "annual health check-up." the form was just... well, it wasn't a form, really, but more of an opt-out. the paper said they'd just check weight, height, and some other things, like make sure you didn't have scoliosis.

honestly?

i was just happy to be missing a good chunk of math.

everyone got called down to the gym by period, and mine was 5th period, right before lunch.

our class was waiting for them to call us down, so mr. callen just let us do whatever until then. i glanced over to see liz, kayla, and chloe in the corner of the classroom, giggling and pointing towards some of the boys, and eventually, mr. callen.

he was one of the youngest members on faculty, fresh out of college. and i'll admit, he's not bad looking. in fact, he's hotter than most of the guys. and if it wasn't peter that had my heart, maybe i'd think about someone else.

not that the whole peter thing was going great anyways, he seemed interested in liz. so maybe that was my hint to move on. but i don't know. i've just liked him forever, it'd feel wrong to stop now.

i'm just really loyal, i guess.

or maybe this is some weird first love/crush thing, because no matter what, i keep finding myself coming back to him.

it took me second to realize that i'd been staring at the same spot for a while now, so i probably looked funny. i re-adjusted my position and looked at the clock, noting there there was just a few minutes until we'd have to go down.

i looked by at the girls, then at the teacher. did they not realize that he had an engagement ring on? or where they just dense?

because honestly, i'm having a hard time figuring out which one it is.

liz pushed chloe over to the desk, giggling like a manic.

chloe bit her lip, trying to hold in laughter. "hiiii, cal. you know, like, cupid's day is coming?"

me, personally, i didn't really believe in the whole dumb blonde thing, but chloe was changing my aspect on this.

cupid's day was on valentine's day, and you could pay a dollar to have a rose delivered to someone. normally, the freshmen girls did most of the planning. freshmen girls were annoying. they were always together, and i didn't remember a time i'd seen one alone.

i didn't get any on my first year here. last year i got three. but it didn't really count, because mj got me one and betty did. i was hoping that i'd figure out who the third person was, but three weeks into that investigation, i kinda gave up. if they hadn't revealed themselves to me at that point, i'd figured that they probably wouldn't.

maybe junior year will go better.

if you were popular popular, you got at least seven, so it was kind of embarrasing to only get one. and it was probably even more embarrasing to only have, like, one friend. which was betty. but she hadn't hung around me that often since she started dating ned.

mj was an observer, and i knew that much. it was probably the only reason she got me a rose, because she felt bad. but then again, anyone could see how pathetic it was.

peter and i used to be pretty close, but then he met ned, so the attention he gave me got halved.

i would have tried to be friends with ned, because i know he's really nice, but i stressed out too much about it for some reason and gave up. social anxiety, perhaps? it didn't matter, it was too late to do anything about it now.

after that, peter started hanging around liz and some of the other popular kids, and entirely forgot about me.

did forget about ned, though. maybe beacuse i was a girl, and so peter got called "gay" a lot for that. i didn't have much of a chance compared to liz, so i just admired him from afar. it's not that we didn't talk, because we did sometimes, but... actually, i don't know what.

if peter wanted to, he would have.

and it's fairly obvious, but i'm delusional and chose to ignore that.

the intercom snapped me out of whatever zoning out i'd gone back to, "block d, block d. i-is this on? oh, it is? i- yes, block d down to the gym."

everyone got up and pushed their way out the door, i didn't have that type of energy, so i just waited for everyone to get their butts outta the way and then went myself. i followed them down to the hall, staying behind a little. when i finally got over there, i ended up last, right behind chloe, kayla, then liz.

for the most part, it only took a minute or two for each person, so the line didn't take that long.

well, i suppose that's subjective.

it took 15 minutes, but whatever.

when liz was inside, she didn't take care to close the door all the way, leaving it a couple inches open. that's on her.

that's on her for being irresponsible, so it's not really my fault if i accidently hear. i leaned in a little, suddenly very interested in the wall, with all it's cracks... and... paint, and...

"and step on the scale, please... that is," she paused, and you could hear scribbling of a pen.

"121.3 pounds. perfectly healthy. that's actually the average weight for girls your age," another pause, "make sure to give this form to your parents. have a nice day."

liz said something in return and i stepped back, done admiring the wall. "next!" the lady called in.

i stepped inside the room, and it smelt strongly of hand-sanitizer. "okay, honey, step up against the wall... height is... alrightly. now the scale, please."

i did as she asked, keeping my eyes trained on the numbers.

149.7 pounds. basically 150. that was more than liz's, right?

"149, okay, you're good to go-"

"is that around average weight?" i asked, and it was impulsive, i didn't even think.

"well, it's somewhere around that. you're perfectly healthy."

the intercom came on again, signaling my time was over, and the lady thought the same thing, because she ushered me out.

as i walked back to the classroom, i couldn't help but think;

149? no, 150? around average? so basically, i was above average. 30 pounds heavier than liz? no wonder peter likes liz better.

god, that's disgusting. i'm disgusting.

i trudged back to class, unable to stop thinking about it. and suddenly, an idea popped into my mind; why not lose weight? if i lost a little, maybe peter would care about me again.

that's genius. god, i'm a genius.

yeah. i lose a little weight.

when i got back, he'd already started the lesson, not that i cared. i spent the rest of that class figuring out the kinks, like how many calories i'm allowed to eat per day.

i settled on 800.

it seemed like a decent number if i wanted to actually make an impact with weight loss.

stupid kale smoothies weren't gonna get me anywhere, nor idiotic influencer workout routines.

before i knew it, the bell rung and kids were hustling through the hallways. i was kind of on autopilot as i walked to lunch, not really watching where i was going. i'd by mistake shouldered some people, and they gave me dirty looks. i shot them right back.

i couldn't help but silently, in my mind, judge everyone's body that i saw. and not just their body, but other physical features, too. it was automatic, i didn't even mean to. but i couldn't help it.

she's really fat. the gym exists for a reason.

how is she so skinny? i know she's anorexic.

and it just went on and on.

i didn't know what was going on. why this mattered to me all of a sudden.

it was like i didn't notice these things before, i wasn't looking for them, but now that i knew they were there, i couldn't help it.

i couldn't help a lot of things.

when i walked into the lunchroom, i saw peter sitting by himself, writing on some piece of paper, and if i knew him, he wasn't doing the homework due tomorrow.

he was doing yesterday's.

it didn't seem like i'd be bothering him if i went to go talk to him, so that's what i did. i figured since we hadn't talked in while, it would be great to now.

and it'd be a great distraction, too.

i sat down across from him, "hi, peter."

he looked up slowly, a smile rising on his face. "uh, hey, y/n/n," peter paused, "what, um, what did you need?"

"huh? oh, i didn't need anything. just thought i'd come by and annoy the hell out of you."

"just like old times," peter snorted.

"math homework?"

"yep. i have math-"

"-next period," i realized my mistake after i made it. "um, 'cause i see you when i'm walking to class."

in repsonse, he nodded like he was considering it.

i didn't notice i was hungry until my stomach growled, but something inside of me made the thought of getting food and eating it repulsive. i hesitated before grabbing on of peter's fries and popping it in my mouth. he didn't say anything, or really even care, and i didn't know if i liked that or not.

"okay. you have chem next, yeah?"

i blushed at the fact he knew.

"uh, yep," i snagged some more fries, feeling myself loosen up.

and then i realized, that's what this was; i was just in need of some time with actual people who weren't my parents.

i liked this. i liked talking to peter. it was easy. this was easy.

we laughed about some other things, like flash's new donkey haircut.

and i stole more fries. ned, betty, and mj (who normally sat two seats away) came over. the topic of cupid's day came up.

"how many do you think you'll get?" betty asked.

i looked up, "roses?"

"uh-huh."

ned spoke up, "you won't need to worry, bet, i'll get you a whole bouquet." he looked proud of himself.

"i'm not worried," she giggled, like the lovesick fool she was. it was gross. and yes i admit, it was slightly because i was jealous, but whatever. betty didn't have to act so idiotic and desperate.

betty's skinny, too.

"what about you, y/n?" peter said, locking eyes with me.

"i dunno. i never really get any."

something changed in peter's expression, but as soon as it was there, it was gone.

i took another fry. they were really good, for some reason.

"fattie," peter laughed, pulling his lunch tray back, "and then you complain about not getting roses!"

that caused a round of laughs in the small group, but my heart dropped to my feet.

i was right. i was overweight. even peter noticed.

freaking peter noticed.

god, i was ugly and fat, and even peter saw that.

of course he liked liz. he'd be crazy not to. she was curvy and skinny and petite and pretty and skinny.

she was skinny.

i didn't have her hourglass figure.

never did i ever want out of my own skin more.

"y/n?" pete frowned. "i-i'm sorry, it was a joke, i didn't-"

"no, no, not that. i, uh, i... forgot i was supposed to meet with a teacher. sorry. i have to go."

i didn't go to any teachers.

i did go to the bathroom.

and i hid in the handicapped stall. i didn't cry, or sob, or weep or whatever it was stupid girls did in hallmark movies or stuff.

i stood in front of the mirror and picked out everything i hated, making a mental list in my head.

i didn't finish that list, not even after 30 minutes when the bell rung.

-

the rest of the day flew by rather quickly, it seemed. i felt like i was trapped in a warm haze, but not the fuzzy, happy warmth. i didn't like the way i was thinking. it's like i wanted my brain to turn off, these intruding, ugly thoughts were taking up too much room.

i felt icky.

when i got home, i didn't have my normal after-school snack like i usually did. i went straight upstairs and did homework.

i finished two essays (one that wasn't due until two weeks, and one that was due two days from now), my math homework and studied for my math test, started my science project, and did my french flashcards (and studied them a bit).

i must have been locked in my room for hours, because by the time i got up, it was dark outside.

i wasn't a studious person, and the only reason i did any of this was to forget for a little while. to snap out of it. and for a while, it worked.

"y/n, honey!" my mom screamed from downstairs, and as i glanced at the clock, i realized it was time to have dinner.

but i wasn't hungry.

well, i was.

let me rephrase that; i didn't want to eat.

however, i didn't want my mother yelling at me, so i went down anyways. not that i was planning to eat.

"mom?"

"oh, hey. i already set the table, you seemed like you were working hard and i didn't wanna bother you. dad's working late. go sit down-"

"not hungry."

she frowned. "well, you have to eat something."

"but i'm not hungry," i said, hating how sharply it came out.

my mom gave me warning look. "look, i've had a long day, so don't start with me."

"mommmm," i whined.

"sit."

so i did. i felt bad about bothering her.

i ate. small, tentative bites, forcing it all down. we didn't talk.

silently, i put my dish in the sink, before heading upstairs. the food sat at the bottom of my stomach, like a pile of heavy rocks. i wanted them out.

so i turned on the shower and locked the bathroom door, kneeling in front of the toilet. i pressed my fingers to the back of my throat and kept them there for a second. at first, all i got was bile.

but then i threw up.

-

peter and i started talking more again. i think he got in a fight with liz.

i asked him if they were dating, and he said no.

i think he started hanging out with me again because i got skinny. i know for a fact that i'm skinnier than liz. i weigh less then her now.

the numbers told me that.

but i didn't listen.

i didn't stop, and how could i? when i'd gotten this far?

-

we got in a fight. not the yelling kind, though. well, kind of. i yelled a bit.

i thought he was complimenting me. he said i looked skinny, so i thanked him.

"no... i-" he paused, trying to get his thoughts together, "you look skinny, yes, but not in a good way."

"what? what do you mean? like, there's only a good way," i laughed, slightly nervous.

peter ingnored that. "have you been eating enough, angel?" his voice was soft, but there was worry in it. why was he worried? this is the best i've ever been.

"do you ask liz that, too?"

"i- what?"

"liz is skinny. you don't ask her that."

"that- that is different. y-you haven't been eating, have you? is-"

"god, parker! stop! it's none of your business!" maybe if i hadn't been so flustered, i'd have come up with a better comeback.

-

i was hunched over the toilet, but nothing was coming out. everything hurt.

my head. my stomach.

my throat was scratchy and raw.

i didn't hear the knocking on the door.

i don't really remember peter coming in. i thought i locked it. what was he doing at my house? i couldn't remember.

i wanted to sleep.

i think i was crying. i don't know. i only vaguely remember the hot tears.

i slightly remember him pulling me away from the toilet and into his arms. there were lots of holes in my memory for that day.

he stayed with me, though. one thing i'm sure about is that peter never left my side. i can recall bright lights. tubes. i was laying on something. white walls. white sheets.

what was engraved into my head was peter whispering "i love you" over and over again. in the bathroom. in the car. was it a car? as they hooked me up to cables.

all that mattered, though, was that i was skinny now. just the thought made me feel light and airy.

to think that all it took was a little motivation and a weighing scale.

#reader discretion advised #tw ed #tom holland x reader #spiderman #tom holland #peter parker #peter parker x you

[butch-with-a-deep-voice]

What made you feel like using the term “butch” to describe yourself despite some of your obvious feminine qualities? (This is an absolutely genuine question coming from somebody who is trying their best to figure out “which box” they fit into).

I guess I’m having a hard time figuring out if I’m “butch enough” which I know sounds ridiculous. I know that there’s such a spectrum and not everybody is strictly “butch” or “femme” but I guess I feel called to butchhood. But I invalidate my own feelings by finding all the ways in which I’m “too feminine” for it.

I’m genderqueer as well so it can be hard for me to find the right balance between my masculine and feminine features that make me feel euphoric.

Hey anon, so this is a very good question, and one I really want to take some time with. As such, I will provide two answers. A short copout answer if you don't have the energy to read a lot, and a long answer.

Short answer, and I really hate when I have to pull out this answer but well...

It's no different than gender euphoria in of itself. Each person is different, and it is based off of well, vibes. It's things like how I can be beside my he/they nonbinary friend, let's call him C, in the exact same outfit as him, and all our friends are like "yup, Nomi looks butch, and C looks boy-adjacent". It's vibes, and there's no real easy way to explain it further than that.

Now lovely anon/reader, if you want something a little more... nuanced (and just as inconclusive), strap in. Pun fully intended.

So I've been mulling over this for a few hours already before typing, and of course my overly analytic ass started scripting this whole thing around exploring the history of butch and femme identities, the gender politics of the matter, the racial contexts, etc. before realizing that doesn't answer your question; how did I specifically, a trans-feminine two-spirit person, reach butch being where I felt the most at home in myself despite apparent feminine aspects of myself? Understanding the history, cultural implications, and other nuanced portions of "butch" as an identity was a huge part of how I got there, and so I'll briefly go over that, but it's also important to keep my copout answer in mind as well. You know yourself best. It's well, vibes.

Let's start with the barebones identity of butch. I think a good place to start is understanding that while all butches are masculine, not all mascs are butch. Same with femme vs. feminine. It's something you claim, you embody. It's well, an identity. For many, myself included, it's an inseparable part of ones gender identity to boot. And like all identities, it is often intersectional with other facets of your life. Gender, sexuality, race/ethnicity, culture, etc. For me, Butch ties directly to my Two-Spirit identity. Part of being a Michif (Métis) Two-Spirit person is holding both the masculine and feminine at all times. While not necessarily a woman in the western sense, I feel woman-adjacent. My "feminine spirit" comes from feeling woman-adjacent, and honestly when around other Michif women, like a Michif woman (but that's a conversation for another day). My "masculine spirit" comes from being a butch Michif lesbian, amongst other things. If I had to describe how my gender "feels", Two-Spirit Butch feels honestly the most accurate, even if that doesn't fit into a Western queer lens that nicely. I may have, as you said anon, apparent feminine aspects to myself that counter my masculinity, but part of being Two-Spirit is holding those with love, honor, and compassion. Feminine spirit doesn't negate my queer masculinity, if anything it augments it. But, exploration of my Two-Spirit identity and how it relates to being butch likely won't be of much help to most of the non-indigenous readers.

Let's look at a more Western approach, because Butch is just that, a rather Western queer term. I do want to preface that as a trans-feminine person there are many within queer spaces that believe I do not have the right to claim butch for myself. To them I counter, bugger off terfs. I would also like to point out that while in a modern sense butch more or less refers to a masculine lesbian identity, that was not always the case. Butch for many many years was an identity to describe queer masculinity as a baseline, regardless of lesbian, gay, bisexual, etc. Especially in queer BIPOC communities. Butch becoming a lesbian-centric term is much newer within the queer lexicon (with some pointing to white queer culture stealing a term from BIPOC queer culture, but that is a topic I do not have the expertise to go into). While both butch itself, and queer masculinity as a whole have evolved since those times, I think keeping that historical context in mind is important.

To me, part of why I claimed "Butch" specifically is how it relates to non-conformity of expected womanhood. While I do not claim woman in the Western sense, during the early phases of transition, I began by identifying as a woman, and trying to abandon all of masculinity and what it came with. You can find a bit more of how that went in this post. I dove headfirst into femininity and hit my head on the floor of the pool so hard I ended up right back in dysphoria central, just a different kind. But, that exploration of womanhood and femininity were integral in why I claimed butch for myself. I don't think I ever would have claimed it had I not. One of the common factors with every AFAB butch I've met is a rejection of the expectations of womanhood that Western culture thrusts upon them. Personally, I don't think it would have been right for me to claim butch without having first explored Western femininity and it's expectations to the extent I had.

Eventually I finally admitted to myself that, while I knew for certain I wasn't a man, I didn't feel right as a feminine (Western) woman either. So, what was I? I felt more at home, more welcome, and more loved amongst queer women, lesbians especially, than I ever had with queer men. Hard androgyny and genderqueer (which btw I do not identify with genderqueer, not upset with you though) didn't feel right either. There were aspects of classical womanhood from a physical standpoint I knew were in line with myself after many years of HRT. Breasts, my waist line, my now feminine skin texture, my legs, honestly my entire estrogen-sculpted body. Hell, while I haven't gotten full vaginoplasty for medical reasons, I would if I could, Stone Top identity aside. I felt at home around women and lesbians, as a Michif woman/lesbian, but not in femininity. As described in the post I linked in the previous paragraph, the first true step was reclaiming masculinity, and making room for healthy queer masculinity separate from gender.

I want to bring up this exploration of the meaning behind the colours of the lesbian flag for a moment. For me, Butch and all it encompasses, is a part of all of these. Gender non-conformity I think is self explanatory. I am a walking defiance of gender norms and expectation at this point, and butchness as a whole is as well. Independence can mean many different things to different people, but I feel self sufficient as a butch. I feel competent. I feel secure. Mostly importantly though, it is an identity I feel independent in. For years and years I let my expression of gender and sexuality be defined by those around me. Past partners, friends, family, coworkers, etc. I could not claim butch until I took a step away from all of those. I stopped letting them dictate who I was, and let myself learn who I was independently. Community and butch is always going to be linked. Butch is a community-centric identity. When I tell someone in the queer community I'm butch, they know what it means. In a single word I can describe large swathes of my experience and how I relate to the world. But it also comes with community role and responsibilities. Butches and Femmes protect eachother. Butches provide safe masculinity in queer spaces that heals wounds for so many people, including other butches. Butches take up space in a room to ensure other non-butch women have space. We protect, we heal, we love. Butch love is so fucking unique and important to a community. Butch comes with a community meaning, but also community role and responsibility, and to me that is a big part of why I feel comfortable claiming it. Serenity and Peace is so many things. Both internal and external. I have peace within myself as a butch. I feel more peace with myself now than I did for so many years. When I finally said it outloud, said I was a butch lesbian, and people affirmed that, it was like a weight I never even knew existed was lifted. I've felt happier in my time openly being butch than I have in ages, and everyone around me as noticed it too. Friends, family, coworkers all comment on just how happy, confident, and at peace internally I've been. Love and Sex this is a doozy of a topic that I truthfully do not have the desire to explore right now. It is important, but I am not in the headspace for it. But butch love is unique in itself. As for sex, well. Please refer to the wild swathes of queer theory and discourse out there. As an off-hand example relating to myself though, see Stone Butch. Unique Relationships to Womanhood/Feminity. I explicitly wanted to link these together. As a Two-Spirit butch, and a trans-femme one at that, my relationship to womanhood and femininity is unique, complicated, and at times inexplicable. The fact that I can say I don't identify as a Western woman, but with other Michif woman I do feel like a woman, is one confusing way. The fact that butch being a gender identity to me is another. But one aspect I want to explore is this notion that masculine and feminine are antithetical to eachother, when I don't think they need to be. I'm not androgynous. I hold both masculine and feminine, not a middle thing. My masculinity is queer masculinity, and I genuinely think queer masculinity MUST be in some way shape or form partially feminine. There is a softness to queer masculinity. A vulnerability. A tenderness. Queer masculinity is often gentle, loving, soothing. All things associated with Western notions of femininity, not masculinity. But queer masculinity, non-Western masculinity, makes room for those things. You wouldn't look at a mother bear protecting her cubs and say "that's not motherly behaviour, that's not womanhood". My relationship to my feminine self is in relationship to my masculine self. They are tied, and being butch, being a soft butch at that, encompasses it.

I think finally a topic I've been dancing around, though alluded to multiple times, is that first copout answer. Vibes, and gender euphoria as a part of vibes. From the vibes standpoint, what I have to offer is this anecdotal piece. When I told my friends that I was mulling around with the idea of claiming butch, basically every single one went "... yeah? You didn't know that?" Off of vibes alone every single one of my queer friends already knew I was butch. From behaviour, to what I was most comfortable in fashion wise, to how I related to others, they all knew that my "vibes" were butch already, well before I had even remotely considered it. As for the other hard to define aspect... As a non-cis person yourself anon, you mentioned it already. Gender euphoria is a weirdly difficult to attain thing. I spent years on years of experimentation, exploration, and rumination trying to find my euphoria. Trying to find the spot I'm in now, where I find myself loving what's in the mirror every single day. Butch got me to the point that I legitimately look in my mirror and love what I see Every. Single. Day. I take selfies of myself because I love what I look like, even in just a hoodie in sweats, every day now. I put more casual care into how I look now, because I love myself, more than I ever did before. I take better care of my health. I have more self confidence. I'm happier and more stable emotionally. Hell, I'm a better friend, coworker, and community member now as a butch than I ever had capacity to be beforehand. It's not just me noticing that too. Near everyone in my life started making note of it anytime I took another step into fully claiming butch for myself. The biggest reason I feel right in claiming butch is that frankly, how can you look at secure, holistic, stable happiness like this and not say it's right.

There's a lot more I want to say here, but I've already been at this for nearly three hours, and that's on top of the two hours I spent just thinking on the matter to boot. I hope I was able to answer your question at least partially anon, and that it helps you with your own gender expression/identity journey. I think the only other thing I want to say is that it's okay if what you identify with now changes. It doesn't invalidate what you feel now, just like how you are now doesn't invalidate what you felt was right for your say, 5 years ago. Human experience and identity evolves, it grows, it changes. If you feel right with butch now, excellent. If you end up realizing that it was just a stepping stone in discovering your unique patch of gender euphoria, that is just as excellent. Rootin' for ya anon 💕

#holy crap i went way harder on this than i meant to #but i also think this is a topic that deserved some effort #thank you for the thoughtful ask anon #bite me #ask nomi #trans #transgender #butch #trans butch #lesbian #nonbinary #two spirit #sapphic #stone butch #queer #queer theory #gender

[velinediary]

Comparison is ruining you

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶✿

One of the lessons I have had to learn to become who I am now is to stop comparing myself to others. It's not a lie that if you ask Veline from 2022 how many times she compared herself to different people, the list would be endless. But now, I see it more clearly and I know that I have greatly reduced this behavior that was harming me for many years. I want to mention that this doesn't mean that I don't sometimes have moments where I feel bad about myself, but the feeling doesn't linger for long, as I choose to let go of that feeling and come back to myself.

Although it may sound contradictory, comparison is good only if we know how to use it. It can help us identify areas for improvement or find inspiration, but it is also fundamental to remember that each person is unique, and the true measure of success lies in personal progress and personal satisfaction.

Here are certain aspects that we often compare ourselves with, so you can identify which ones you are comparing yourself to. (Remember, if you have all of them, there's no need to feel bad. Instead, it's a sign for you to start your own path.):

Physical Aspects: It can include height, weight, physical build, facial appearance, etc.

Emotional Aspects: The ability to handle and express emotions, empathy, emotional intelligence, etc.

Intellectual Aspects: Comparing cognitive abilities such as intelligence, creativity, problem-solving skills, etc.

Social Aspects: The ability to relate to others, communication skills, teamwork ability, etc.

Professional Aspects: Work achievements, skills, educational level, etc.

Personal Aspects: Values, beliefs, hobbies, lifestyle, etc.

Now that we know these aspects, let's move on to some tips that helped me reduce my level of comparison.

○ Focus on Yourself ♡

I know this advice has been given many times, but it is extremely true. By focusing on our own progress and not that of others, we start feeling better. By this, I mean letting go of thoughts like, "Look at her, she's been going to the gym for a month and already has visible changes, while I've been going for a year and still don't see anything," or "She just joined university and knows everything, while I can't even answer the professor's questions," among others. My loves, it's not like that. Each person has their own time to achieve the results they desire. The more you focus on your own path and what you want to achieve, the less space there is to think about others.

○ Cultivate Self-Acceptance ♡

We all have strengths and weaknesses, and that's why we should embrace them. We need to learn that we can't be good at everything to avoid frustration, but of course, there's always room for improvement. What I mean is that we should acknowledge both our strengths and weaknesses. First, to improve in areas where we struggle, and second, to enhance and make the most of our strengths.

○ Be Your Own Comfort ♡

Being our own comfort in moments when we feel like we have failed can be very helpful. Don't hurt yourself or beat yourself up over something you did wrong. Even I have to remind myself of this. Don't be cruel to yourself! Don't become your own worst enemy when you have those feelings. Instead, embrace and accept that fact, knowing that you will do better next time or that it won't even matter in the future.

○ Social Media is Just "Social Media, Not Real Life" ♡

I will try to keep this brief, as it is a vast topic with many subtopics. Social media is designed for sharing, creating communities, and making friends. However, over time, it has become a constant need for validation to boost our egos. Now, don't get me wrong, we all want to feel accepted or validated, but what I have realized is that the more you seek it, the more you want it. If you don't know how to handle it, you may end up feeling bad for not receiving the attention you thought you would get.

Of course, as it has been said many times, not everything we see on social media is true or dreamlike. Some photos may have been edited beforehand, or the person posting may not have felt genuinely good at that moment.

After all, these platforms only go so far. How many times have we remembered a specific post after closing an app? None, because real life exists. Not everyone around us has that "amazing" physical appearance or the "ideal" job as portrayed on social media. Not everyone follows trends or has "perfect skin". That's why we need to look beyond what is behind the screens and live our lives.

Conclusion

My dear girls, comparison will only serve you if you know where and when to apply it, without crossing the line, of course. Each one of us is on our own path towards becoming a better version of ourselves, no matter how long it takes, because that's what it's about - persisting and not focusing on what others did or didn't do. In the end, you are the one who will be telling your own story soon. I don't want to hear similar stories from everyone else because I want to know what you had to go through to get where you are.

Personal Note:

Creating this blog doesn't mean that I have everything figured out or the perfect life that every girl would want, but I'm still in the race, trying to reach the goal without looking at whether others have already achieved it or if they have surpassed me. I go at my own pace, and that's what matters. In fact, creating this blog is part of who I want to become.

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Thank you to the women who have made it this far, and I hope you enjoyed this post and found it helpful. Love yourselves, embrace yourselves, and have patience with yourselves because you will need it on the journey.

With love, Veline. Kisses!

#self awareness #self development #self love #tips #fashion girl #glow up #inspiration #self confidence #afirmaciones #self improvement #it girl #girlblogger #girlblogging #becoming that girl #girly aesthetic #girly things #that girl energy #this is a girlblog #pinterest girl #inspiring quotes #self care #loa #loassblog #health tips #fashion icon

[anneapocalypse]

Right to Their Faces: Sera's Romance Quest

The Sera Series: Exploring Sera's character and background.

This one was originally going to be part of another post I have in the works, "Sera and the Inquisitor," but I realized that I had a lot to say about Sera's romance quest and it really deserved its own post.

Disclaimer: It is absolutely fine if you don't like Sera or don't like Sera's romance, don't connect with her, don't find her relatable, whatever! I'm not here to tell anyone what they can or can't like. I just want to talk about my read and my feelings on this romance quest. If you don't like Sera and are not open to positively discussing Sera, that's just fine; feel free to scroll right on by, no need to inform me in the notes.

Sera's romance quest, "A Woman Who Wants for Nothing," triggers once the Inquisitor has confirmed her romantic interest in Sera and Sera's approval is high enough. The Inquisitor is prompted to find a gift for Sera because—okay look, we really need to spend a minute on how this quest begins, because it's truly delightful.

When the Inquisitor comes to Sera's alcove, Sera runs up behind her, excited, and exclaims all in a rush, "Listen! I got you a hat, but it's ugly, so I drew Coryhe-whatzit's face on it, and stuffed it with apples. Everyone's hitting it with sticks! I really hope you like it!" and then runs away giggling.

I mean, it's pretty clear here that this is all in fun to Sera. She wanted to give her Inky something, but the hat she found was ugly, so she decided to turn it into a joke and hoped Inky would be entertained by it. It's the Inquisitor, charmingly, who decides to take this super seriously, looking after Sera and saying thoughtfully to herself, "We're giving gifts now?"

The Inquisitor then goes to all her other companions looking for help finding a gift for Sera. Practically no one has any good ideas, or any ideas at all really. I want to pause on that aspect for a moment. Why doesn't anyone (including the Inquisitor, who is actively seeing her) know what Sera would like?

I mean first of all, the clue's kind of in the name of the quest. No one can think of a gift for Sera because Sera doesn't particularly want anything. She is not very concerned with owning things. She doesn't covet fancy clothes or shoes or hats or jewelry. The Undercroft keeps the Inquisition supplied with arms and armor, so she doesn't have need of those things as gifts. She likes books, but she has Skyhold's entire library at her disposal. She likes food, a lot, and she likes cakes, and if pressed I'd say that of all the material gifts she could receive, a cake made just for her would probably go over the best, but I don't think it would be better than what we ultimately get in this quest.

Sera does like collecting various objects, and we find her catalog of these in her journal, "Sera's Cabinet of Wonder Whose It Was," but these are all mundane items: a Circle banner, a goblet, a halla statue, a deck of cards, masks stolen from the Winter Palace. Little curiosities, things she finds meaningful or strange or funny. This is a collection curated purely on Sera's whims, and it could be difficult for even someone close to her to guess what kind of object might catch her fancy in that way.

And here we have the ironic meaning of the quest title. Usually, the expression that a person "wants for nothing" means that they already have everything they could possibly want, but for Sera it takes on a different meaning. Sera "wants for nothing" because she not only lacks a life of wealth and comfort but has actively rejected it and all the baggage that came with it. Someone will probably point out here that Sera is interested in making a profit with her Red Jenny shenanigans, and she is, she says so! but what she is not concerned with is accumulating and hoarding wealth or possessions. That is a life she has very consciously rejected.

I also don't think we should ignore the role of class in the way the other Inner Circle members treat Sera, even the "nicest" ones. There's not really any getting around the fact that other characters—including characters we like—look down on Sera because she's low class. Sera is not the only elf in the Inquisition, and there are definitely characters who treat Solas poorly in various ways, but they do not treat Solas the same way they treat Sera. Sera gets the most abject disrespect both for being an elf and for being low-class, and—this part's important—for looking and sounding low-class, and being proud of it.

Cullen may have been born a commoner but he sought a respectable profession, became a templar and ascended through the ranks (however he may feel about that now) and is now the Inquisition's commander. Leliana may have been the daughter of a servant, but she became a bard and has spent her life hobnobbing with nobles and Very Important People, eventually becoming the Left Hand of the Divine. Blackwall may have been born a commoner but he is (so far as everyone knows) a decorated Warden-Constable. Vivienne may have been born to merchant parents and sent to the Circle at a young age, but she's made the most of her position and become First Enchanter of Montsimmard, then Enchanter to the Imperial Court. You see where I'm going with this. Even our common-born companions have for the most part sought to climb the social hierarchy in one way or another. They've "bettered" themselves. They have titles, if not noble ones. They're Somebody. They're Important. And many of the others are just straight up nobility. Even Varric, who carries himself like a common man, is from a well-connected Merchant Guild family as well as being a famous author; he's basically a noble who enjoys slumming it.

Not only is Sera a nobody, she patently rejects the idea of being Somebody. She operates as a Red Jenny under a mythical name who may or may not ever have been a real person. When placed in a situation where she needs to be formally introduced as Somebody, the ball at the Winter Palace, she openly mocks the entire concept and the supposed solemnity of the occasion by submitting a vulgar joke name.

I bring all of this up because this is why I think the other companions are so unhelpful. They can't imagine what Sera could possibly want because they already know she doesn't want what they want, and even the ones who do like her I think struggle to actually relate to her. They see her motives as, at best, confusing. (As does the Inquisitor in a lot of early dialogue, but that's another post for another day!) But in fact, Sera's desires are very simple. (I think Cole is the one with the best shot at actually figuring out what Sera would want, but he gets hung up on the concept of what a gift is before he can get there.)

Vivienne and Solas in particular are not just confused by Sera but actively offended and dismayed by her existence. I think it's pretty easy to see why she gets under Solas's skin so badly (though I could write reams about how interesting their relationship is and how much it reveals about Solas, but not today). Sera represents to him just how far the elves have fallen because of him, and I think he's both deeply frustrated by her and deep down feels responsible for everything that's "wrong" with her. Vivienne and Sera are also fascinating foils to one another, as both came from humble origins and both were afforded some unique opportunities given those origins—but they've taken polar opposite approaches to the problem of social hierarchy and power. And like so many Dragon Age characters who act as foils to each other, the existence of the other needles at them so badly because they challenge the foundation of their beliefs about the world and their sense of self. So it's no surprise that these two are the companions that give active disapproval when the Inquisitor reveals her relationship with Sera.

(It also makes for some absolutely wonderful humorous irony later if the Inquisitor decides to take Vivienne's clearly-sarcastic suggestion seriously, after which you get a bonus cutscene of Sera and Inky in bed together laughing over whatever it is Inky has shaved into her ladybits. Vivienne turns out to be the only one who had a good idea, and she didn't even mean it!)

The actual quantities of disapproval are frankly negligible, and easily made up elsewhere if you, the player, care deeply what Solas and Vivienne think of your character. If I'm being honest, I think they could have gone even harder with the disapproval, especially in a game like Inquisition which doesn't pull its punches with approval the way the previous games do and doesn't allow you to avoid ever taking a negative hit. But the exact number isn't the important thing here. The important thing is that without some tangible and in-your-face social cost to openly loving Sera, this quest would have no teeth.

I trust I don't have to explain that the opinions of characters (for whom said disapproval is entirely in-character) are not necessarily the opinions of the writers. It's also not indicative of the game telling you that you made a "wrong" decision. Nor is it the first time companions have disapproved of the player character's love interest—far from it. Both Origins and DA2 have some truly spicy party banter in that regard, and Inquisition keeps with tradition. Love it or hate it, companions hating each other is a time-honored Dragon Age tradition.

And in this case, the disapproval is the point. The Inquisitor is meant to receive the disapproval and decide that Sera is worth it to her. The point is that the Inquisitor cares so much for Sera that she openly declares her affections without regard for the disapproval of others, and that this kind of love and acceptance is entirely foreign to Sera's experience and the greatest gift she could ever have received. Sera says it outright: "Wait, wait, wait. You went to everyone and said I was your lover? Right to their faces? They must have… Oh, Vivienne must have puckered pinky-tight! Best gift ever."

And if you've read my other Sera Series posts, or simply spent a lot of time talking to Sera, it's no mystery why this means so much to her.

This is what this quest is all about. And to me, it's one of the most moving expressions of love in the whole game and maybe in all of the Dragon Age games. I love it so much. I get emotional re-watching it in YouTube clips. I cannot imagine being happier if the Inquisitor had just, I don't know, baked Sera a cake, or brought her a bouquet of flowers from the meadows filled with bees. This quest gets at the core of who Sera is, her sharpest hurts and deepest desires. It is deeply meaningful and it is perfect for her.

My sole complaint about this quest is that I never got to see the hat full of apples with Corypheus's face drawn on it and everyone hitting it with sticks.

#sera dragon age #dragon age sera #sera series #dragon age meta #dragon age inquisition #dragon age #blunders of thedas #sera x inquisitor #sera x female inquisitor

[radical-revolution]

BEING LOVE

The most important aspect of love is not in giving or the receiving: it’s in the being. When I need love from others, or need to give love to others, I’m caught in an unstable situation. Being in love, rather than giving or taking love, is the only thing that provides stability. Being in love means seeing the Beloved all around me.

I’m not interested in being a “lover.” I’m interested in only being love. In our culture we think of love as a relational thing: “I love you” and “you are my lover.” But while the ego is built around relationship, the soul is not. It wants only to be love. It’s a true joy, for example, to turn someone whom you didn’t initially like into the Beloved. One way I practice doing so is by placing a photograph of a politician with whom I intensely disagree on my puja table – my altar. Each morning when I wake up, I say good morning to the Buddha, to my guru, and to the other holy beings there. But I find that it’s with a different spirit that I say, “Hello Mr. Politician.” I know it sounds like a funny thing to do, but it reminds me of how far I have to go to see the Beloved in everybody. Mother Teresa has described this as “seeing Christ in all his distressing disguises.” When I realized that Mother Teresa was actually involved in an intimate love affair with each and every one of the poor and the lepers she was picking up from the gutters in India, I thought to myself, “ That’s the way to play the game of love.” And that is what I have been training myself for the last past quarter century: to see and be with the Beloved everywhere.

One of the interesting aspects of seeing the Beloved in this way is that it doesn’t require the other person to see him – or herself as the Beloved. All that’s necessary is that I focus on my own consciousness properly. It’s interesting to notice, though, how warmly people respond to being seen as the Beloved, even if they don’t know what’s happening. (Of course, it all assumes that all your feelings are genuine and that you aren’t compelled to act on them or to lay any sort of trip on the other person. The idea is simply to live and breathe among the Beloved.

The way I work at seeing others (like the politician), as the beloved is to remind myself, “This is another soul, just like me, who has taken a complicated incarnation, just as I have. I don’t want to be in this incarnation any more than he wants to be in mine. But since I want to rest in my soul and not in my ego, I would like to give everybody the opportunity to do the same.”

If I can see the soul that happens to have incarnated into a person that I don’t care for, then my consciousness becomes an environment in which he or she is free to come up from air if he or she wants to. That person can do so because I’m not trying to keep him or her locked into being the person that he or she has become. It’s liberating to resist another person politically, yet still see him or her as another soul. That’s what Krishna meant when he said, “I’m not going to fight, because they are all my cousins on the side.” We may disagree with one another in our current incarnation, but we are all souls.

A story I have told many times reinforces this point. Some years ago I put out a set of records called Love, Serve, Remember. The records – which had music, readings from the Gospel of John, and all kinds of neat things – came in an album with a beautiful booklet with text and pictures. It was a wonderful package, and we sold we sold it by mail order for about $4.50.

I showed the album to my father. Dad was a wealthy Boston Lawyer – a conservative Republican, a capitalist, and, at the time, the President of a railroad. He looked over the album and said, “Great job here! But, gee, you know – four and a half dollars? You could probably sell this for ten dollars – fifteen dollars, even!”

I said, “Yeah, I know”

“Would fewer people buy in if it were more expensive?,” he asked.

“No,” I relied. “Probably the same number would buy it”

“Well I don’t understand you,” he pressed on. “You would sell it for ten, and your selling it for four- fifty? What’s wrong, are you against capitalism or something?”

I tried to figure out how to explain to him how our approaches are differed. I said, “Dad didn’t you just try a law case for Uncle Henry?”

“Yeah,” he replied, “ and it was a damned tough case. I spent a lot of time in the law library.”

I asked, “Did you win the case?” And he answered, “Yeah, I won it.”

Now, my father was a very successful attorney, and he charged fees that were commensurate with his reputation. So I continued. “Well, I bet you charged him a hand and a leg for that one.”

Dad was indignant at the suggestion. “What, are you out of your mind? That’s uncle Henry – I couldn’t charge him.”

“Well, that’s my problem,” I said. “If you find anyone who isn’t Uncle Henry, I’ll rip them off.”

The point I was trying to make is that when you see the Beloved all around you, everyone is family and everywhere is love. When I allow myself to really see the beauty of another being, to see the inherent beauty of soul manifesting itself, I feel the quality of love in that beings presence. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing. We could be talking about our cats because we happen to be picking out cat food in the supermarket, or we simply could be passing each other on the sidewalk. When we are being love, we extend outward an environment that allows people to act in different, more loving and peaceful ways than they are used in behaving. Not only does it allow them to be more loving, it encourages them to be so.

In 1969 I was giving a series of lectures in New York City. Every night, taking the bus up Third Avenue, I got the same extraordinary bus driver. Every night it was rush hour in one of the busiest cities in the world, but we had a warm word and a caring presence for each person who got on the bus. He drove us as if he were sculling a boat down a river, flowing through the traffic rather than resisting it. Everyone who got on the bus was less likely to kick the dog that evening or to be otherwise hostile and unloving, because of the loving space that driver had created. Yet all he was doing was driving the bus. He wasn’t a therapist or a great spiritual teacher. He was simply being love.

Remember, we are all affecting the world every moment, whether we mean to or not. Our actions and states of mind matter, because we are so deeply interconnected with one another. Working on our own consciousness is the most important thing that we are doing at any moment, and being love is a supreme creative act.

– Ram Dass

[jennilah]

I think i started to follow you bc of tiny!cas, like eons ago, let me tell you seeing you get into different fandoms over the years has been a delight.

I remember seeing post of you going like 'hey these slasher film kinda go hard' and look at you know.

I mean this in the best way possible, I feel i've been watching a house plant grow, every now and then catching my attention and being amazed by the changes

omg thats such a sweet way of describing my... well happy autism awareness day everyone, its a nice way of describing the way i naturally transition through my Special Interests lmfao

actually, for the holiday, let me infodump about this very aspect of my brain to anyone who isnt aware how this works for me. (also every autistic person is different, so this is just how this symptom manifests in me)

ill say "phases" to simplify, though thats an unfair word because it implies im "over" my past phases. 99% of my past phases are pretty much there for life, but in the back of my mind. (So long as I didnt have a "bad breakup" with it for some reason, which is rare but happens) The ability to become a raving lunatic about it is dormant until someone asks the right question.

There can only be one interest (sometimes 2, with one being the less dominant one) at the forefront of my brain at a time, though. that defines the "phase".

so for example, my recent Halloween phase is "over" and I am 100% fully into Saw now, but I still absolutely love Halloween and Michael and Jason and all those guys. as evident by me still happily sharing gifsets and art and buying merch etc if it tickles my fancy. They're just hanging out in the background of my mental display case.

yea whoever follows my tumblr for a very long time has watched it happen in realtime. the transition between interests. i know for a fact which phase I started this blog on. if you're here from the beginning, youve seen, in order:

-Durarara!! -Deus Ex -Supernatural -Godzilla -Detroit: Become Human -There was like a few weeks where it was HLVRAI -And then it was plants. There was a year-long stretch with no Special Interest and I was latching onto odd things (and I was very inactive here) -Halloween & Friday the 13th -and now, Saw

I have many other things I love, but they don't clamp around my brain in quite the same extreme way.

my phases can last any amount of time, anywhere from a few short intense months to 5+ years, its completely random, completely unpredictable. even the interest itself is impossible to predict. its not something i choose, its something that happens to me.

sometimes i avoid watching things for a long time because im still very emotionally attached to my current phase and im genuinely afraid the shiny new thing will replace it. all art or fic ideas for the previous phase? theyll be abandoned. all I will want to create will be related to the new thing. (though I will sometimes draw it anyway, like digging up old toys to play with once in a while. The likelihood just drops considerably)

which is why right now i pretty much put a pause on the other franchises I plan on watching. I'm genuinely gripping onto Saw like someone is tryin to take it from me.

and then sometimes im like "haha yeah right. ill be fine. ill eat my shoe if my brain latches to this" and then put on the movie and by the credits roll im a new person (yes thats what happened with Saw. I really had no idea.)

this is also why im terrified of even just "checking out" things that have, like, a toxic fanbase or something, because i cant stop a new phase from happening if it does. and its really hard to keep it to myself, fuck

(do u know how mad i was when i realized i was attaching to hoffman the evil dirty cop??? i was so scared of drawing him, dudes. but thankfully everyones been cool abt it and we're all very aware of his awfulness & we have fun w it)

and every time my brain changes and i do get obsessed with some new thing, i get really scared and worried and hope I dont bother everyone who followed me for something else :(((( and yet, every time, im absolutely floored by how many people choose to tolerate my newest nonsense and stick around anyway

anyway ive lost the plot of what point i was making here OH YEAH thank you!

tl;dr: that would be the autism! thank you, it WILL happen again! that is a threat! 🥰

#jennilargh #jenna answers

[ohwell-itsme-but-danganronpa]

Different kind of a killing game

[parts said by others start with their names, also this one is incredibly long and goes into post-game saiou angst]

Hina: Okay so moving from ⁠gore-discussions because this wasn’t exactly gore: Ideas for alternative motives for V3. The one that I’m thinking about very much right now is the idea of a prisoners dilemma type motive The general idea of the prisoners dilemma is: any number of prisoners in a group have an option of giving information to authorities in order to lessen their sentence. If one person gives information, they will be let off with a much shorter sentence, at the consequence of the other prisoners getting a heavier one, but if they all stay quiet, they keep the same regular length sentence. If they all expose each other, they all get the heavier sentence The idea hinges around what humans do in a situation where trust like this is involved. The best outcome for all parties is if everyone stays quiet, but if one person decides to sell them out, they’re at risk of a larger sentence So yeah, that and put it in V3

Oliver: What information would they have that monokuma would want??

Hina: It doesn’t necessarily have to be information It’s mainly the choice of whether to do what the authority figure wants at the cost of selling out the group I’d imagine it like this. Monokuma gives them a period of time to investigate and then tells them theyll be given a vote on who the mastermind is If you correctly vote the mastermind, you get to leave no consequences. If you vote incorrectly, however. The person that you voted for will die and you’re labeled their blackened. If nobody votes, you all get to continue the game without any risks So here’s the dilemma. Even if they all know with 100% certainty who the mastermind is, the mastermind can still vote wrong and kill a person, even if the rest get out And the other option is they have to trust the idea that nobody votes and they all love

Checkers: can they see who votes first?

Hina: No, They don't know who, Unless they're watching each other That's another fun part, Watching their behavior as they vote Cause I'm assuming they're voting at rhe trial podiums So they can all see each other too

[some time was spent talking about which chapter this motive should be introduced in & speculating about what would happen in the suggested scenarios, but that won't be relevant bc of a later decision]

Hina: I just xame to a beautiful discovery This would be the perfect motive for a Mastermind Shuichi AU Like it's right up his alley eith the detective thing

Oliver: IMAGINE IF IT WAS A REPEATING MOTIVE…….. you could actually make a whole death game out of that

Hina: No but did you know that's actually a second part to the prisoners dillema There's a second aspect to the prisoners dillema related to: What would happen the more times the situation was repeated Would they start working together over time realizing it's bad for them Would they use exposing each other as bargaining chips. Like. "If you let me lessen my sentence today I'll let you lessen yours tomorrow"

Oliver: I was thinking if it were a repeating motive, it could practically be the whole gimmick of the killing game. Like imagine two people die from being voted for. One blackened, and one person who gets away scot-free but killed the other person with their vote. The blackened gets caught, because Shuichi, but maybe someone else finds out who the other voter was, and kills them because the other person who died was close to them. Another trial, and then another Prisoner's Dilemma Vote

Hina: You want to know another fun idea If this is a simulation in which Shuichi doesn't care because he knows he's gonna live and is playing observer In a scenario where they've voted out blackened to die They're given the option of thus "If everyone says yes, I'll bring back half the dead participants at random. If any specific people are voted for, they will be brought back and the rest stay dead" So now it's a choice of bringing back the most people, or trying to guarantee that the person you care for most comes vack It's the reverse dilemma And there's probably people you don't want to come back so Do you really want to risk your best friend not coming back, in favor of someone you hate Mastermind can vote someone they don't want back into the ftay Imagine Kokichi gets voted out on pretenses of people suspecting him Nobody wanted to bring him back, so Shuichi used his vote to guarantee he was brought back Now there's dealing with the fact of. Hey, I'm alive again At the cost of someone who goes against mg moral code in every way being the person to do ir

I am imagining them doing the dillema as a bonus after getting the normal trial vote right so right after 4th trial would be good

this also made me think of a killing game on fully different rules, where if they fail to get away as a blackened they're not executed since the only goal is finding the mastermind. they would be doing only the mastermind vote after trials, with the option to skip, but generally, they get two chances to eliminate mastermind per chapter, first by setting up the murder, and then second if the group figured out the murder and get to vote, if somebody gets away with murder, they leave on their own, the group will be allowed to leave if mastermind is eliminated, and that's with keeping in mind that voting for someone means killing them, but they don't have to worry about being executed for getting it wrong, it's just about their morals.

Checkers: what if the mastermind is killed?

the game ends

there should be a hard limit of how many people can be voted out per trial too, so it doesn't end too fast, like "only first three votes will count, so decide quickly" or even less. I think, with the presence of mastermind being known and everyone working against them rules would be way stricter in general, mass murder wasn't allowed to begin with, here it's "you've only got one shot", it only gets reset if everyone still alive has blood on their hands (either by murder or vote) or, my first idea, was it being reset every chapter after vote, aka the killer couldn't vote in the same chapter, but the idea of everybody having blood on their hands come final chapter is spicier,

Checkers: if you vote correctly you leave and if majority votes correctly the mastermind dies?

not in my version, it's enough for one correct vote to kill the mastermind, only the first three who vote register, even if they're all skips, people who voted for someone or killed directly would break a rule and therefore be punished for getting another person killed before it's reset because of a lack of spotless

Checkers: if only the first three register then there might be a lot more panic over voting maybe they rush to vote without thinking as much so. I propose. monokuma changes the voting layout midgame, they were ready to vote and clicked really fast but didn't realize they voted wrong until it was too late

yeah, that panic is what's I was going for, they gotta be locked in and ready to get someone killed the moment voting pulls up Kokichi is a big fan of getting in a "skip" as one of those 3 but not everybody thinks like that the first time, he's just like, "oh, then we can all press skip, nice, easy." and then there's a bang.

they could [reveal who they voted for], but they're not obligated to,

Checkers: I think they would, or others might force them to say it. it prevents a lot of wasted votes/kills

they don't even know if their votes are the ones that registered until the voting is done and acted on, the votes that registered get revealed but without information who put them in, so if somebody voted the same as you just faster you wouldn't know and just think that's probably your vote, some might try to get others to vote the same as them if they're convinced somebody's the mastermind, but if they got other motives for trying to eliminate someone, they'd rather stay quiet,

I think since it's more of a cat & mouse game between mm and others, there would be messages from them included in the rewards they get, one a real hint and one misleading, they just have to decide which is which, those would replace the flashback lights I guess,

mm Shuichi would listen to what others are suggesting to him, making Kaito think that he is relying on him, but actually he's only okay with voting on Kokichi because he's planning to bring him back later, great for the plot, but not mm Shuichi would mostly just skip until he had solid evidence someone is the mastermind

Sini: The thing is, I can see some people not even voting the mastermind here. Like, someone could vote for the killer as revenge or for the safety of the group. Or, someone might vote cause they know they themselves are likely to be voted as the mastermind and they want to take the chance of being the first vote that can take the person who will vote them out as a means of saving their own skin. Like, Himiko could vote Korekiyo off for example. And the last scenario could absolutely fit Kokichi, though the question is, would he actually do that? Given how he is in game, I think he would as it is just one of the sacrifices he'd have to make in order to end the game himself

yes, you get my vision 100% what I meant by "other motives" he could still make Gonta do it, he'd tell him it's to raise their chances, but it'd be actually because he knows he himself would hesitate but also consider: he doesn't make it far enough this time too sus for his own good

Sini: Little guy dies before he can even think to do that or pull it off…

he'd get voted out as soon as the second trial, then mastermind would bring him back after the 4th, the group dynamic would be a lot different, some would probably be more willing to trust him now, knowing he's not the mm, but that too depends on how well he copes with that

somebody voted him out, in fact, most likely multiple people voted for him, and now that he's back… they expect cooperation? he teams up with Shuichi because he's the one that voted him back in, or so he says, can't fully trust that, but hopefully? more than others

I think this one vote would become public because they'd have an argument after seeing Ouma brought back and make each other admit to their votes, there was some suspicion and talking behind backs and asking each other one on one before, but this is the one where it would become a whole ordeal of peer pressure, so the brought back peeps would know who claims them (and why would anyone risk lying about that? they didn't, right? that's the last person who'll want to hurt me, right?)

if saiouma had rights I could say that Shuichi brought him back because he wanted to get to know him better, continued to wonder about the mysterious boy, it would be a second chance for them, but. Mastermind Saihara is the better explanation

I don't know, can they still have something complicated going on post-game if Saihara is the mastermind? What it would take for Kokichi to be conflicted and don't straight up hate him after they leave vr? cause being brought back wouldn't be enough and actually only make the betrayal worse

Sini: I think the only thing that could make Kokichi not fully hate Shuichi is if Shuichi had his personality and memories screwed up Like, he was made to be the mm

I dunno, I don't want it to be that, if he's altered it's a little bit, like, everyone got Enhanced to be Ultimates, but then that means they did sign up, and he volunteered to be the mastermind and he's himself with new cool knowledge and skills, but that's about it. I want Kokichi to be forced to think about his morals, to have to notice good things in Saihara who is the ringleader, made those motives, and unfortunately proven to him that none of them are better than him (remember the counter being reset by the final chapter, that's important, even though that means this one would have more chapters than canon)

he's going to have to think about how Saihara was doing a silly little social experiment knowing it's not real, while the lot of them was killing for real, thinking it'll be permanent, and how Saihara never was the blackened, and kept the game fair with the hints and lead it to the conclusion since his goal never were to keep them trapped in the hell loop, and how he cared & patched him up when he got injured

he wants to believe Saihara was just being manipulative, but it doesn't add up

Sini: I meant more like he was forced to be the mm but I see what you're saying. Maybe Kokichi doesn't hate him as much cause he sees himself to be just as awful as him? Or maybe there are aspects to Shuichi that have him feel bad for him. And yeah! He sees how he was at least fair about everything. But I'm gonna be real, I don't think Kokichi could ever forgive him or even see him in a good light. He might not fully hate him, he could give him some props for certain things, but he is still the one that made everyone do all that horrible shit. Even if it wasn't real, it felt real. It was real to them. It doesn't matter if Shuichi does actually care for him, he still manipulated him and everyone else. He would want to see the good in him, but all the stuff I mentioned could never be enough and what he's done could never just be ignored. Just because Kokichi might see himself in a similar awful light doesn't mean he's going to give Shuichi that much charity. How I see it, it could never work

I love pg Shuichi who's been neglected and clung to the comfort show, so I imagine him going far past interacting enough not to be suspicious, he's thrilled to make friends, loves having a talent and therefore finally being special enough to hold people's attention, have something to connect with them instead of just offputing people with his fannish rambles about executions and from ch5 on to the end he would be the closest to Kokichi, so he would be trying to get that back, he's attached

I am just trying to paint the picture of, memory manipulation is barely still on the table, no flashback lights, no identity changing stuff or big gaps in memory, a lot more defined rules, cards on the table about how things work, the choice being fully theirs: stay or try to leave, I'll even give you a hint. He was mostly an observer in the whole thing

Ves: much harder in on them being his friends than tsumugi is. he's actually MORE like junko in that way, huh

bro's not even giving them motives, he's getting so much blackmail material just from being able to check who voted what and he's not using it, he's just there to hang out with his friends, and maybe study their behaviour under immense stress hahaha

Hina: I like the idea of Mastermind Shuichis game being a character study

Ves: were they friends pregame [my reply] no, he had no friends, this is his idea of an ice-breaker, he's just getting to know them better this is the best way to really get to know who people are at their core, trust him, he learned a lot on the internet

Sini: So they're all the same in that they gave themselves up to DR and while responsible for their own actions, were taken advantage of by Team DR? [my reply] I guess, yeah?

Ves: he made fifteen friendship bracelets in preparation

he thought it's going to be like solving a locked room together, a nice bonding activity, it's basically the same thing if you're as desenitized to death as he was! He was helping through leaving hints! It wouldn't be fun if he made it too easy, but he did a good job adjusting the difficulty level for the group, he's a good game master he gave them a good journey on the way to the victory that was always eventual, he cheered them on

Ves: im gonna cry he's sweet in the worst possible way v3's world rlly fucks up everybody who lives in it huh everyone who 'died' is just backstage with juiceboxes he does not see the problem

Sini: Man, I feel like that would make Kokichi hate him more, if that makes any sense. At least at first, anyway. Cause he's so sad and sweet yet did the most horrible things. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he did.

"I was worried I am going to fumble and get caught early, but I am glad I was able to give everyone a good season despite my anxiousness" gives that small smile

Sini: I feel like when they get mad at him, he cries jwjhhwef He only wanted to have fun : (

Ves: kokichi how could you POSSIBLY be mad at this guy. the murder does not count as a reason

Sini: His heart definitely doesn't hurt when he makes him cry. Definitely not

Ouma lashes out at him (post game, because in game he was in too much shock to bring up personal feelings about how it affects him as an individual, instead of talking about The Whole Thing) and he's like" "but I thought- I thought that we, that you… nevermind" hides the notebook full of ideas for what they might do together now that they're out and runs away, crying

Ves: he deserves it but like that's my son my beloved son who has committed war crimes

He was SO going to ask him out if Kokichi didn't bring him back down to earth

Ves: he's borderline delusional abt all this and when he gets a healthier mindset the self hatred is gonna hit harder than even canon shuuichi

Checkers: he specifically asked the backstage ppl to give Kokichi the nice juicebox brand. That’s rly romantic right

Sini: Knowing this now, I think when Kokichi finally accepts that he made the choice to join danganronpa and that they were all in the worst mindsets when getting into the recent season will he, not forgive Shuichi, but not be so mad at him anymore. He's more angry at DR than anything. He's still uncomfortable around him, his trust issues really keep him still feeling strong about what Shuichi did to him, but he holds no real strong feelings against him. He just feels bad for him

Ves: oh is this official danganronpa? somehow i got the impression that it was a fan project like in a warehouse somewhere

it's official they all audition and get on location, their memory of getting there it's closer to thh, "I came in here, lost consciousness and then suddenly it was Like That" Shuichi didn't do anything illegal, he just hosted a season of a popular tv show and they all got juiceboxes!

Ves: they WANTED to do this fun and normal team building exercise why are they so MAD at him!!! completely unfair i think he'd get really offended if they imply he was like. faking his grief at the deaths. because he DID grieve! his tears were genuine!! just…in a nice, comfortable, cathartic sort of way. he always knew he'd be going home he cried like you cry at a sad tv show the others cried like it was real

Sini: Like that's what really pisses them off. He saw it all as a show when they saw it as reality

the disconnect is more at a level as if they were playing D&D, of course he's invested and he's sad if someone has to leave the game he's going to miss them, but they'll see each other later, it's fine. And, well, he's not happy to see his dear friends fighting or upset, obviously, but those things happen and in the end it'll all be resolved, in the matter of a few weeks at most

Ves: it's just LARPing at the end of the day. them not KNOWING that doesn't count because they asked for it to be that way. he's helping!! he's facilitating what they wanted!! he brought juiceboxes!!!!!!! tsumugi we bonded over being DMs how are you mad at me now

What if. What if they're siblings. What if one of their parents is a Team DR executive/ some higher up. What if they both auditioned for the mastermind. Pitched in their ideas. What if angry pg Tsumugi left a letter for her future self talking about her bitch ass brother stealing her chance to finally get their attention. What if post game Tsumugi lived to see said parent never visit either of them despite working in the same building. What if she saw her old self in Shuichi, nearly mirror like. What if it terrified her

Sini: Not getting the role was the best thing to happen to her…

#danganronpa #ndrv3 #shuichi saihara #kokichi ouma #kokichi oma #saiouma #oumasai #tsumugi shirogane #kaito momota #gonta gokuhara #korekiyo shinguji #himiko yumeno #tenko chabashira #angie yonaga #au #writing inspiration #writing prompt #made by me

[kozykricket]

every time someone mentions celeste or i watch someone play celeste or i play celeste i am just reminded of how much of a masterpiece the game is. like... i just. every little bit of it is perfect, from the major stuff like yknow, music, character writing, and wonderful pixel art, the great level design (!!! really great !!!) to the smaller things like sound effects/jingles... visual effects like squishysquishy madeline.. and like, the whole "mountain as a metaphor for stresses and anxiety" i dont think can ever be captured in as perfect of a way as celeste does it (long post, i figured this needs a Keep Reading?)

like, i feel like not only does the music set the tone and mood alongside the writing, but the level design works in tandem with it so well too. the absolute atmosphere of reflections always catches me off guard, like... confession: i still can't really relate to the identity aspects of it, though i can very clearly see them in celeste. but as someone who has experienced a lot of anxiety in life, i can relate so heavily to it all, and... just, the way the music sets the tone, especially in places like chapter 2, 3, 5, 6, and 7. (and of COURSE 9 but i could make a separate post on ch9) why not ch4? well, i think 4 is just a nice solid break after the intensity of chapter 3, which is refreshing. it stands out, but in a nice way. i really, really find that the game can just. bring out FEELINGS in me more than any other game can. i mean okay, games can make me sad, or put a smile on my face, but theres more... complex feelings, that i can barely put words to, that i feel from the music, like after you've just fallen in reflections. the ... hopelessness, almost despair, with a touch of ominousness, and... questioning, almost, of if anything was worth it. the hopefulness of the summit climb music, the uncomfortable feeling of the mirror temple music when you're in the mirror that feels like the musical equivalent of bugs crawling all over you, slowly turning into just. lost, quiet, helplessness and like. god. im not a masterful musical-analysis-person but. i FEEL like its fair to say that the entirety of the farewell ost really feels like its telling a story, one of... so many different emotions, which is so fitting, considering how complex the feeling of saying farewell can be. i. genuinely cant put to words the way that tracks like reflections and most of farewell make me feel, because singular emotions dont seem to be fitting descriptions. and i feel like no gimmick in levels ever stays for too long without introducing a new one or new combination of gimmicks. its a game where i CAN indeed be proud of my death count, knowing that it means im learning, because. death isnt frustrating and.... playing mods, ive realized even more about how unique the level design can be... some levels are more about understanding rooms and doing things in the correct order, some are about precision, and yet... it feels like the best levels... are somehow designed in a way that even the most complex rooms can just. guide you through them, like you're doing a duet with the level itself, as objects fall into place for later, etc. (midnight monsoon from strawberry jam is a good example) theres just so much greatness in celeste i know i spent like half the post on the music, but i could also spend that much time talking about how perfect the level design and difficulty curve is. the game feels like it naturally teaches you how to get better at it, without ever getting too frustrating. im not saying there isnt spikes in the difficulty the first time through, but ill say those spikes feel like they make sense, and they... well, the game does good at training you and then putting you to the test. it does well at teaching you without saying much. at most, a crow will say "press x to dash here!"

and honestly? i still feel like im hitting post too early here. i... love the game so much, and i cant put it into super coherent words. i feel like i. can never truly capture how much i love it. some games just do that to you. maybe i can capture how much i love it, but not... how much of a masterpiece it is. like yes, okay, i love it, but. its also... so much more than just a Good Game. I... think I'll hit post. maybe one day, ill write my thoughts on the game in a more coherent fashion, but. i think i get my message across here :P (it makes me almost kinda. frustrated. when i cant fully get whats on my mind down in words. like i KNOW theres more... that i cant quite pull outta my brain rn)

#celeste #jake ramblings

[nico-esoterica]

Rachel Chinourir—I read her chart and started crying at midnight after listening to her music

Newly 25, this super star’s experiencing her 2nd house profection year. This means that the name of the game for her this year’s gonna be all about how she’s providing for herself and proving she can be self-reliant. She’s establishing herself as an adult during that stressful period in your mid 20s when you start finding that blurry distinction between yourself and what your environment demands you be. Add an exploding fanbase and platform into the mix and whiplash is the cherry on top.

Especially since the last eclipse cycle occurred on her 1/7 axis—this means that with her Scorpio stellium, she was going through it and underwent several personal transformations and ‘realizations’ is what I’m hearing in regards to how she sees herself versus what she’s been forced to be out of survival. It was a very emotionally messy period for her for a while. But what came out of the rubble of her previous emotional life was this unbreakable will to draw that boundary and keep it firm. “I’m not like the rest of you” is what I’m hearing intuitively. Feels related to mental health. Or “I will not be”—another possibility.

(rectified time - isn't exact but close) In my experience, people with strong Scorpio influence are sponges of generational trauma they’re viscerally made aware of from an early age. An artist who comes to mind is Willow Smith who has a Sun-Mercury in Scorpio with its ruler empowering it from her 4H of home and family lineage. In recent years, we’ve learned about her family and its issues.

She’s come out of a rough period of trying to do what all m/zillennials were told regardless of the Pluto in Cap global recession hitting in ‘08—”No matter what happens, you MUST get your degree. You NEED to get that super stable job because that’s the only way you’re going to have a future.” That’s very loud in her chart to me because that Pluto was moving through her 3H of early childhood education and experiences and was forming a gnarly square over the past couple years (beginning of pandemic) to her late Aries Saturn. Means there was pressured incentive for her to ‘get her life together,’ notably from a father or authority figures in her life.

She’s always been capable but even if she could ‘hold’ said stable job, her mind was always elsewhere. Daydreaming and scribbling lyrics and poetry is what I’m hearing/seeing by looking at her Pisces Moon and Jupiter co-present in her 5th. Creative classes and activities or even artistic programs she excelled in. But the latter planet being Retrograde makes me think that she doubted her talents despite an abundance of people reassuring her that she’s gifted. Beyond gifted and has always been. Her 9H ruler of higher education (and I can see this also meaning specialized programs) being well aspected in her 5H of creativity tells me as such.

With Pluto consistently hitting her water planets since roughly 2010, because this is a planet of crisis and rebirth, she’s most likely dealt with both internal and external pressures that, on one hand, were god damn awful (her natal Sun-Uranus square on her ¼ is LOUD) and supplied a mental health minefield, they also gave her a super power for expression. She learned she found a home for it in the arts. With such an overwhelming amount of Scorpio in her 1st, it puts a psychic target on your back. You constantly feel attacked and this will be doubly true if her MC’s at a later degree in her 10th because it’ll be squaring her Mercury (and Chiron, potentially), meaning that whenever she opened her mouth, she got lambasted for it.

It’s giving, "Fix your mouth—Who do you think you’re talking to??” Her having a 10H North Node with Uranus co-present in Aquarius in her 4H with her South Node illustrates that, and I can speak about this from experience, was simply ‘different.’ Usually, having a 10/4 North vs South node link means that you, quite literally, want to catapult yourself from where you came from. You find it limiting to the point of being suffocating. Especially w/ her 6H Saturn ruling her houses related to everything family and early experiences related—Means there was an expectation about how she was supposed to act and a ‘path’ she was meant to follow and she couldn’t fit her edges within the smooth yet predictable edges of that circle—Cycle. When you have Uranus in these houses, especially in Saturnian signs like Capricorn or Aquarius, this means that your environment will often flow one way and you will flow the opposite or in several directions at once. It means that you are potentially on different generational and socio-political axes and will contribute to feeling like Marvin The Martian in your own home. It often leads to finding refuge in creative outlets. And we find that next door with her IC, Jupiter, and Moon in her 5th.

With Saturn transiting here since last year, she’s been establishing herself independently as an artist and has been met with great upward momentum and success. The craft she’s been nurturing and building for years (Saturn) trining that Scorpio stellium is presenting rewards for that work and her willingness to be vulnerable in an oversaturated industry that relies on gimmick and polish. Her Mercury-Neptune sextile exact in a fame degree that’s also making a lovely aspect to her Moon—Her music is uncomfortably intimate and honest, especially to anyone that’s neurodivergent or on the margins (strictly going by her chart alone). These qualities in music’s current landscape are rare and they’ll be what distinguish her as an artist and keep her fed. 

But with her benefiting from the current eclipse cycle firing up her 6H of what many of us ‘do’ for a living w/ her Saturn here (in preparation for her Saturn Return), her biggest challenge is not letting her perfectionist anxiety over her work’s ‘worthiness’ to others with their eyes officially on her cause her to self-sabotage or become self-conscious. She’s got the audience and has built it up but with explosive momentum and ‘overnight’ success comes the potential for our boundaries to weaken because we’re suddenly hyper-aware of ourselves.

Due to her tendency to self-monitor (most likely as a learned response), her Scorpio Mercury ruled Virgo Mars can cause her to suffocate her own self expression because she’s so used to being fucked with. And with that Mars ruling her fame degree Retrograde Aries Saturn, she never knows when enough’s enough—Have I done enough? Is this even good? I know it’s good! But is it really? Maybe I should work harder. I’ll work harder—Cycle, Rinse and Repeat. This is giving child of immigrants energy. I know so many of you feel called out by this right now.

Her debut album’s release looks promising. The 2H for her ruler of the year (Jupiter) is in Capricorn and she started blowing up on socials during Saturn’s months (Jan-Feb). The activation points where we’re going to see the most activity will be during this release in Aries and Taurus season (April-May). What’s interesting is that since the upcoming eclipse in April is hitting the album chart’s Mercury (almost exactly) a whole month prior, I fully anticipate a notable person (esp w/ Aries placements) to pull another Adele and uplift her or vouch for her in some way.

When Adele did, Jupiter was exactly opposite her Sun and it occurred during those Saturnian months and their charts have a bundle of points suggesting very strong synastry. It also happening right before Rachel’s lunar return with Adele’s NN hitting said Moon natally honestly felt like fate if we’re going strictly by the stars alone. And I also predict she’ll go viral during Virgo season (her lord of the year ruler’s 10H) because in September, the Gemini Jupiter floating around will be applying an exact square to her natal Jupiter. I think it’ll be totally beneficial but it can represent her adjusting (or needing TO) that’s uncomfortable at first (related to her image, sound, etc) that’ll benefit her in the long run. Jupiter in Gemini in her ruler’s chart in its 7H is giving contracts or boundaries-type vibes. Or even social expectations.

After writing this I heard The Hills and Maybe I'm Lonely and felt my old self seen in a way I don't think I've ever related to an artist expressing. Is this what it felt like when young Gen Xs in the 90s heard Hole or Nirvana's soul-piercing vocals for the first time? Because I honestly have chills.

That Scorpio Stellium of hers in her first and her 29 degree Mercury are indicators of the potential for meteoric fame in the eyes of the collective, but it'll be close and intimate.

When she comes to LA, I'm buying a concert ticket.

#Rachel Chinourir #celebrity astrology #astrology #astro essays #hi rachel i would love to read for you professionally #i'm not lying about crying bc i literally feel like walking outside and sitting in my car and playing the hills 99x #rachel chinouriri astrology

[dipperdesperado]

the importance of social technology in social change

TLDR: By retooling, devouring, and innovating our social technologies, we can create participatory organizations that enable egalitarian social change. These organizations should be animated by an understanding of hierarchy, its relation to oppression writ-large, and how to create and employ social technologies that distribute power, rather than concentrating it.

Introduction

We take technology for granted in general (most people I know don’t think much about how water gets to their sink unless it doesn’t work, for example), but this seems especially true for our social technologies. We take things like democracy, laws, and even the nuclear family form at face value and as fundamental parts of reality.

So, what is technology, and how does it relate to our pending conversation? What is the throughline between obvious technologies like a stone axe and my iPhone, and more nebulous ones, like speech and the nuclear family? Any technology you can imagine takes concepts and knowledge and creates a method of applying them to specific goals, objectives, or functions. This doesn’t preclude emergent uses for tools, as you can probably think of using tools in unintended ways. This definition is useful to keep in mind as we realize that the technologies at present, animating the status quo are inadequate. We need something different to make radical, roots-grasping change.

And, for the sake of change, we need a specific way to achieve it. Part of this is technological; we need to figure out models of relating and working with one another that prefigure the changes that we want to see. To create and modify those technologies, we need to figure out which concepts and knowledge we will use.

Prefiguration can be described as “creating the new world in the shell of the old”. It’s doing things in the present that we think will get us to our imagined future. This implies the need to have a coherent conception of what is currently happening, and change will look like.

Currently, we live in a hierarchical, bureaucratic hell. This might best be epitomized by trying to obtain official identification recognized by our respective state. From all of the forms that you fill out, to the additional paperwork needed, to the horrible experience of getting that information approved, there are a lot of issues that this creates, from an experiential standpoint. One of the more under-realized aspects of issues such as this is how these experiences alienate us from the ability to do things for ourselves. Bureaucracy is a way to manage hierarchy’s inherent simplification of reality. A king couldn’t actually run their kingdom themselves, so they create layers of functionaries, under their control, to (try and) manage that complexity.

Along with my opposition, I’d like to propose something. A theory of change, that allows us to do that prefiguration work, leaving behind some of the negative methods of relating as currently mediated and handled. Since we live in a very hierarchical and bureaucratic world-system, constituting a colonial-imperialist, cisheteropatriarchical, ableist hegemony, if we create non-hierarchical/heterarchical organizational forms that allow us to relate in alignment with our values, then we will achieve a more egalitarian world, because of these organizational forms addressing fundamental contradictions in the way that society, from the personal to the global scale, is administered and ordered at present.

Having non-hierarchical organizational forms will allow us to become self-managed and autonomous, gaining collective control over collective issues, and individual control over individual issues. What is hierarchy, though? For our purposes, hierarchy can be seen as the glue that brings oppression together. It binds structures of domination, coercion, and power (specifically power-over) into oppression writ-large. This is what makes the act of arranging organizational forms a pyramid, where value, authority, and decision-making ability are concentrated toward the top. It is not a problem if some friendly games and competitions employ hierarchy in the broadest sense. The issue comes where, in that game, the folks who won got to eat and the folks who lost went hungry. The power imbalance and value judgments are what make hierarchy dangerous.

Alternatively, non-hierarchical structures that prioritize non-coercive, non-domineering principles, that enable positive versions of power-to (the ability to act) and power-with (the ability to act collectively, towards collective interest) have much more liberatory potential at their foundation. That’s what we’re aiming for, social technologies that allow for horizontal relating.

The pieces of horizontal organizations

The foundation of these horizontal, heterarchical forms should be in values and principles that enable relating in that way. Some of these values might be joy, autonomy, radically informed consent, cultivating ownness-uniqueness, and solidarity. These are defined as:

Joy: This should be a group that is constantly looking critically at how we engage with productivity, work, and formality from the perspective of prefiguring spaces of fun, play, and levity -- infusing it into as much of the work as we can. If it feels like a drag, that should at the very least give us pause. While we will not be able to avoid negativity wholesale, we can be intentional about minimizing the moments where it is unnecessary.

Autonomy: Each unit of interest (teammate, team, section/wing, whole) can operate independently from other elements as it desires, without imposition.

Radically Informed Consent: All decisions that include or impact someone should be made with that person (1) in that discussion/process and (2) having as much context and information as they need to be aware of the implications of the decision being made.

Cultivating Ownness-Uniqueness: The group should allow for a cooperative orientation that is based on finding what is best for all involved as individuals, concerning the collective goals. The group should be a tool that cultivates this orientation, rather than existing for its own sake and becoming something that holds power over the people in the space.

Solidarity: People in the group should work together around common interests and affinities, made clear in the joining process, grounded in (1) centering the most marginalized in society and/or our specific context within our spaces, and (2) sharing in the responsibilities of achieving what the group sets out to do.

Having these values as described gives us a shared language from which to judge how we relate to each other using the organizational forms we will set out to describe, to make sure that it gives opportunities to widen the spaces where our organizational aims can be achieved.

The components of these forms, the building blocks that sit atop the foundation, creating the organization when assembled, are the teammate, roles & tasks, aims & domains, the team, assemblies and summits, and the areas, functions, and committees. These are defined as:

Teammate: This is the individual in the structure. A specific person, who interfaces with the other parts of the structure.

Roles and Tasks: This is how the work is distributed within an organization, in line with the foundational principles and the aims of the specific team and organization as a whole.

aims: Objectives of the unit of interest. The thing that the unit of interest is trying to accomplish.

Domains: The range of focus a specific unit of interest has within an organization. What the unit of interest is responsible for doing.

Team: A collective unit within the structure. Multiple teammates coming together.

Assemblies and Summits: Multiple teams (or delegations of teams) coming together to deliberate on mutual aims, across mutual domains.

Areas, Functions, and Committees: Ways to group teams together (or create new teams) to cover specific aims.

These allow for us to have specific modes of relating with each other around specific things that we want to accomplish, from the individual to the organization-wide scale, with the potential to connect with outside organizations.

These values and components are important to create are heterarchical organization, but it doesn’t tell us what the organization will be doing. We know that it’s meant to be aimed towards social change, but what does that actually look like? I think that there are three interrelated things that the organization should achieve for it to be successful at its overall aims. There should be robust analysis, care work, and effective, radical action. These are described as:

Care Work: Embedding the ideas of restoration, rest, healthy engagement, sustainability, and healing into the core of the organizational structure. This can be done through things like healing circles, accountability circles, meeting "non-organizational" needs that deal with the making and remaking of folks (a la childcare, food, emotional care, etc), and other methods.

Robust analysis: Creating mental models that can approach an accurate understanding of the world, along with how to be experimental and learn from those experiments (while not seeing participants as disposable, or coercing folks into things). This horizontal orientation encourages us to be able to catalyze autonomous & self-directed action, rather than make ourselves indispensable to a movement. We should use these forms to organize ourselves out of a role, in a sense, through things such as making sure other people understand how to do what we do, and not hyper-specializing.

Effective, Radical Action: The organization, through the above two functions, should be able to achieve the goals that it sets. It should be successful at the current conjuncture, and these successes should build up to the general goals of the organization. There should be a conception of strategy, campaigns, logistics/operations, and tactics.

For any of these initiatives to be successful, there needs to be a basic security culture. Pretty much any social change org that is directly effective or building towards effectiveness necessitates modes of protection for the people in the organization. We need to protect from state, corporate, and non-state reactionaries. This is worth an in-depth conversation, but basic things like not talking to those forces, being mindful of where and when certain information is shared, if at all, and screening for new members, the intensity of which is proportional to the openness of the organization, and not fedjacketing (claim that someone is the cops) people. This would be paired with collective discussion to establish those agreements, and training/collective study to inoculate folks against bad security practices.

Arranging the pieces

Now that we’ve built up the different parts of our organizations, we can describe some ways to bring them together. I propose three different organizational shapes: phantom cells, networked guerrillas, and fractal teams and working groups. These are differentiated by the ways that the teams within the org are connected and relate to one another.

Phantom cells are the most ephemeral formation that I’ll describe. These are temporary teams created with wide variations towards some goal. They don’t even have any meaningful awareness of the composition of other cells. Actions are motivated by catalyzing forces that follow a general flow of event → action → report-back → action. Something happens that motivates a cell to form and act, that cell publishes information about their action, along with instructions on how to replicate and the ideological motivation behind it, and others follow suit. This repeats and spreads out, through stigmergy. It’s like how social media trends work. All follow a similar format, evolving as they spread until they saturate a space and wane. The goal here is to combine distributed intelligence through information posting, replicability, and inspiration.

A diagram representing phantom cells. Pill shapes with the word team in the middle are spread around on a white canvas.

This form is inspired by Tiktok and the SHAC campaign. If we could have groups of folks who: (1) find concrete goals & replicable methods for finding connected goals in specific contexts, (2) create compelling narratives around acting in line with those goals, and (3) encourage easily replicable actions, consistent pressure, and sharing the results so that it spreads. This allows for action to become highly distributed, where unity isn’t based on allegiance to specific organizations, movements, or formations. This type of operation is most useful for trying to achieve protracted, quick, decisive, small actions against a target.

Networked guerrillas are cells (or teams) of folks that have a well-rounded skill set, and who work consistently together. I imagine it being like a team for an RPG (role-playing game) campaign where each character is in a different class. This group should have a relatively high amount of self-sufficiency, to be able to achieve aims within their domain without much outside assistance. Each cell is animated by a general alignment of principles, vision, and values. Cells are also designed to link up with other cells, of this type, to accomplish bigger goals and complete bigger actions. There might also be a bundle of cells “in the middle” to help coordinate resources between cells and provide additional, more specialized, and contextual resources. Ideally, there is a rotation and continual morphing of the core to not become a failure point. This is why it’s important to have the cells be as self-sufficient as possible. Every connection is an enhancement of capability, rather than a necessity. The relationships between the cells can be organized like a mesh network (many-to-many relationships between the cells), star (one-to-many-to-one relationships), and a chain/ring (one-to-one-to-one relationships), or some combination, based on the needs of the organization.

A diagram representing networked guerrillas. showing a form that combines mesh, start, and chain/ring.

Fractal teams and working groups work through a kind of fractal, heterarchical confederalism. Essentially, it flips the hierarchical nature of authoritarian federalism by having power flow from the lowest level upwards, rather than the other way around. It starts at the lowest level, the team, and we confederate upwards from there to encompass more general aims and domains, using assemblies, assemblies of assemblies, and summits. This structure also operates on the principle of autonomous collaboration, where people who are impacted by and/or are doing a specific set of tasks are the ones to decide how that task is implemented. This is meant to minimize the amount of power-over within the structure, while still fostering modes of engagement between different scales of decision making. At each level, there would be assemblies that provide the space to share information and discuss plans, and for potential working groups to meet and freely associate and dissociate as necessary. Decisions shouldn’t be made here at these higher levels of the hierarchy, as that leads to a form of power that isn’t always deliberative. Folks would execute whatever plans they see fit on the ground, based on self-organization, informed by the information that is shared within these more open, popular gatherings. The trust is put on folks to be self-directed around their needs, getting help and providing assistance in a mutualistic way, rather than a top-down way.

a diagram of the fractal teams & working groups. teams send delegates to assemblies, and assemblies send delegates to assemblies of assemblies or summits. delegates gather information and context at the above levels and come back to their team to provide context and give information to the team. They also will share the decisions made by the teams, to the assemblies and summits.

All of these forms would need some kind of intelligence apparatus. Intelligence for us will be information that allows us to achieve objectives better. We gain this information through research, investigative journalism-style methods, and espionage. It is pertinent, practical, and informative. These apparatuses will gather information (what we might usually think of as intelligence), and prevent/impede opposition from doing the same (counterintelligence). This is not something it seems like social change folks are intentional about very often, but is an important part of building, refining, and achieving the aims laid out at every scale, from strategies for wider social change to specific actions.

The basic structure of this intelligence apparatus is a specific unit of interest would (s)elect/delegate an intelligence handler to work within that unit’s domain. This handler is one part of an intelligence cell. The cell would be a compartmentalized team for the sake of mutual protection, containing a handler, analyst(s), and agent(s). Handlers are the cell coordinators, recruiting the other roles as they see fit. They act as the direct link/contact to the agent on the ground/in the field, supporting them on their missions with whatever they need. Handlers also support analysts with collaborating on research work or anything that they need. Handlers are the glue of a cell, supporting everyone towards their objectives. Analysts are the folks who make the information gathered by the agents usable. They sort and organize the information, making things like reports and presentations so that action can come from or be informed by the information. Handlers may support the analysts with those tasks. Agents are the crux of this cell—they gather the intelligence. They should be a generalizing specialist, where they understand the breadth of the context in which they act, even with a specific specialty in the type of intelligence they gather.

For these purposes, there will probably be a combination of focus on open-source intelligence, signals intelligence, and human intelligence. Finally, we have the auditor. They are also elected by the unit of interest (the one that placed the handler). This is a way to make sure there isn’t any tomfoolery happening within the cell—the auditor can look over any of the information within the cell, and compile an independent report for the sake of the unit of interest.

A diagram of the basic intelligence apparatus.

The basic intelligence process would go as follows: Information would be split or categorized into four main areas: strategic, campaign, logistic/operational, and tactical. For each of these levels, there would be a repeating loop process of setting goals in relation to those areas, gathering the information, analyzing it, figuring out how to use it, and a method to evaluate the process. Information can be gathered by agents or anyone else in the organization, anonymously. This helps bolster the capacity of information gathering.

So, we start by asking, what do we need to know to achieve our aims? Then, we ask about where we can find that information. As we’ll probably receive more information than what is usable, we want to ask about what information found is important, timely, and accurate/verifiable? After that, we want to ask how we can package and disseminate the information, along with an understanding of the audience(s). That leads us to review what we’ve done, integrate any changes, and start the process over. This is not to say that teams can’t do intelligence-gathering work themselves, such as scouting or information synthesis. It is just useful to have capacity specifically built for that work.

How these forms relate

Finally, we want to look at the relationship between the organizational forms, and how these forms change, depending on what the specific organization does. We can do this by understanding how things look through the classifications of overt, covert, and clandestine.

Overt organizations act out in the open. They operate in a mode where what you see is what you get. Phantom cells might operate as front-facing aboveground collectives of folks who have a very specific focus, with the intent to popularize and virally spread action around that focus, through building (para)social relationships. Networked guerrillas might make more intentional, long-term connections between cells, leading to a more tightly bound network. This could look like the mesh model. Fractal teams might have highly accessible and legible teams and assemblies with centralized information pipelines, creating an easy way to get involved with the movement. This point is important when we’re thinking about how to make the movement accessible.

Covert organizations act in secret, operating on the mode of plausible deniability. Phantom cells might use mainstream channels to share their ideas but operate in a way that obscures their identities. Networked guerrillas might have the cells be related using a star model, with many connections compartmentalized by those shared nodes. Fractal teams might hide membership and focus on the intake process because this formation is the most vulnerable to infiltration. Maybe this formation isn’t useful outside of the overt context.

Clandestine organizations are fully underground. Phantom cells might only spread action through hyper-encrypted or low-tech methods. Networked guerrillas might have no awareness of who or what the composition is of other teams in the network, and any connections between cells might be mediated in ways that maintain anonymity and prevent infiltration. Fractal teams likely would be a great weakness in this context.

Looking at all of these forms, across different modes of operating, we should not “pick” one form or the other in a dogmatic way. Each form should see the others as providing something of value towards anti-authoritarian ends. In other words, fractals should not decry networks or phantoms for their seemingly chaotic structures or methods. Phantoms shouldn’t shit on the other two for not being effective enough. Aligning people and actions across these horizontal forms will allow an ecosystem of forms that reinforces the ability of each to succeed. Overt groups can act as an auxiliary force for the covert and clandestine groups, and the covert and clandestine groups can create spaces for the overt groups to construct the world they are all working for.

By having principles and ethics that are sound, exploring what organizations need to do, and creating structures that enable those ethics and principles to be realized, we can have social technologies that allow us to more easily accomplish the social change that we’re seeking.

#direct action #solarpunk #social revolution #social relations #socialism #anarchism #anarch #anarchocommunism #anarchist #organizing strategy #organizing #insurrection #council communism #councilism #libertarian socialism #anarchy #leftist #leftism #anti state #antistate #anticapitalism #anti capitalism #organization #organização #organización

[wendytestabrat]

why i resonated with stan in “you’re getting old/ass burgers” (FROM THE VAULT [2020])

You’re Getting Old/Ass Burgers has always been one of my favorite South Park episodes because I feel like I’ve always connected to it on so many levels and related to Stan a lot. My favorite part is the end of part 2 (Ass Burgers) after Stan was so depressed and had been seeing shit for so long he came to the realization that he DIDN’T want things to go back to the way they were. He realized he was fine with his parents getting a divorce and Kyle ditching him to go fuck Cartman because it opened his life up to new possibilities of where it could go. In his words he’s all like “I’m gonna make a big left turn” or whatever. The ending is also frustrating tho bc everything ended up going back to normal anyways so we didn’t get to see how that would’ve played out, but we’re not gonna talk about that we’re just gonna talk about the beautiful speech Stan made. That part has always resonated with me so much bc I agree with Stan. I remember at a certain age I just got to a point where I realized that the key to staying happy and optimistic is to stay open-minded and keep trying new things. I think it’s rlly important in life to follow those child-like curiosities you have when you’re a kid, when you’re younger you’re excited about everything and want to know about the whole world and how everything works, and I think it’s good to continue that mindset into adulthood. For me personally, I get really depressed easily if I feel like I’m stuck in one place, following the same routine and doing the same shit over and over, like that’s the point when everything starts to turn to shit to me too. It’s good to add some excitement and spontaneity to your life, and I know it can be hard for a lot of people to get out of their comfort zones, trust me I get this sometimes I can be a stubborn bitch and I only wanna stay in the same lane doing the same thing over and over, but trying new things and embracing change is what builds character. Sometimes life can seem scary, especially when you’re young and you don’t have everything figured out, but the truth is life just gets easier the more and more you challenge yourself to get out of your comfort zone and try things, it makes you more fearless. The more you can gain knowledge and wisdom about different aspects of life the easier you have it figured out, and this all comes with allowing yourself to get excited about new things, expanding your interests and having an open-mind. And when I say trying something new it can be big or small. It can just simply be deciding to learn about something new each day, deciding to read a new book, watching a tv show or a movie you’ve never seen before, starting a new hobby, meeting new people (I know this one is a bad example bc everyone is social distancing LMAOO), for me I really love discovering new songs and listening to artists I haven’t heard before. I mean the risk that goes into trying something new is that maybe you won’t like it and sometimes we can have that mindset where we’re like “this is gonna suck” so we don’t even bother, but you never know until you try, and you can still have an opinion on something you don’t like too. (I can’t count how many times I’ve suffered watching something awful I could not care about but I did it anyways out of curiosity. Also NEVER form an opinion on something you know nothing about or shit on something you know nothing about or else you sound ignorant.) But open-mindedness and being able to adapt to change and trying new things is really the key to staying well-rounded and happy and fulfilled. Having a lot of interests also makes it a lot easier to be able to talk to a lot of different people about different things and make real fulfilling connections. So yeah to me, what Stan said was actually very wise and I agree with him because it’s kind of been my go-to philosophy on life.

update 2024: i’m starting to realize now that my constant need for stimulation and new experience is prob just my sociopathicness FFHJDJSJS bc i get bored of shit way quicker now than i did before

#i’m a motivational speaker #me > tony robbins #south park #stan marsh

[walkawaytall]

Ooh very detailed asks, love it! How about 1 and 20?

Thanks! I've never written my own list before, but it was fun coming up with these!

On to the answers:

1. Have you pulled inspiration from media sources other than the property your fic is related to (a plot point from a TV show that has nothing to do with the characters/setting of the fic, a line from a book, etc.)? If so, for which story? Why did you find that media source compelling?

Well, I very openly ripped off an entire running gag from 30 Rock for the basic concept of Nemesis. The subplot of Jack having a nemesis who is a literal teenage girl who is just as into the rivalry as he is has always struck me as hilarious, so to shove Tarkin and Leia into those roles for a bit of crackfic was really fun, as was writing a Palpatine cameo that is sort of an unhinged version of Hank Hooper.

But, also, I am like 99% sure I had recently watched that episode of Community with Jack Black in it shortly before I thought of the idea for The Short Stick, and I think just the entire idea of "how annoying would it be to be a background character in this world where certain people are quite literally operating as main characters?" kind of snowballed into that fic.

Also also (and not entirely on topic, but it's topic-adjacent), I am positive I read a fic in which Han and Leia apologize to each other through gestures rather than words at some point during my Epic FanFic Binge Read of December 2022 and I immediately adopted that as headcanon. At the time I was not planning on writing fic, and I could not tell you which story it was (I seriously read so, so much during that time and a lot of stuff bled together and I didn't have an AO3 account yet, so there's no reading history for half of it), but that adopted headcanon sort of inspired the basic concept of Speak Louder.

20. Is there anything about any one of your fics that you have been dying to discuss but haven’t had the chance to?

Soooo, Han's motivations in Purpose of Heritage are not all Leia-centric. Like, a lot of his motivations aren't entirely Leia-centric at this point. The story's currently a little over a year past A New Hope on its timeline and while my intent is for there to be glimpses of their relationship with one another being different than their relationships with other people, he is operating on a mixture of motivations including but not limited to:

not wanting to be killed by a bounty hunter or Jabba

not wanting to be killed by the Empire

being friends with Chewie

being friends with Luke

being friend with Wedge

respecting Rieekan

finally kind of feeling like he belongs somewhere and realizing that he really likes that feeling

fearing the fact that he likes belonging somewhere and not wanting to face what that means about him needing others

shame over various aspects of his past

guilt for taking that damn reward money for sort of rescuing a person when like the only moral code that he is consistently dogged about keeping to is "don't treat sentients like product" (this is Leia-related, but still, I'd argue, not entirely Leia-centric)

and, yeah, caring for Leia in some kind of way

It's been really important for me to give him a mixture of motivations (even if no one ever sees them outright since this story is told entirely using limited third-person from Leia's POV) because I don't think it's likely that Han Solo was all-in on being 100% about the Princess all the time from the moment he stepped back on Yavin. I think he's a more complex and baggage-laden character than someone who is driven entirely by his affection for a woman he just met, and I promise that's the intent with which I've written his character even if his actions could be interpreted in a variety of ways.

Thanks for the questions!

fanfic writer asks

#ask away #my asks #fic writer asks #fanfic writer ask game #fanfic writer asks #fanfic writer ask

[hartshorn-and-isinglass]

(I see we're toeing a line again, Marve...)

I'm sitting in a front-row seat of the old auditorium, staring at an empty stage dimly lit by a single shaft of light coming through one of the back doors. I hear footfalls as someone makes their way down the rows.

"Is this seat taken?"

It's not the Muse. Not the current one, anyway.

"Wait a minute. What the hell are you doing here?"

They shrug. "Hey, it's your brain. You tell me." They look around. "I haven't seen this part of your head before. How come you never invited me up here?"

"I didn't even know I had an entire-ass auditorium in my head until recently. There's a lot of things I'm discovering about my mind these days. I mean, I didn't even know you were still in my head. But I guess none of you ever really leave, do you."

"Yeah, we're all still here. I've met the other Muses in the break room next to your hippocampus." They slide into the seat next to me. "Seriously though. You look like you've been having a bad day. Do you wanna talk about it?"

My voice cracks. "I'm fine."

"Marve." They put an arm around me. "If I'm here, it's probably because things are not fine."

Hot tears well up in my eyes. I try to laugh it off, but immediately realize the absurdity of trying to conceal my feelings when I'm literally sitting inside my own head next to the manifestation of some aspect of my personality.

"Yeah... okay. I'm not fine. There's a whole bunch of emotional baggage that I've apparently been holding onto since I was in high school, just a mess of weird perfectionism and impostor syndrome and depression and loneliness. That would be why you're here; my brain isn't exactly subtle about like, symbolism and shit."

I lean against them. "You were seriously one of the few good things about my teenage years, you know that, right? I looked up to you because you were like, this absolute fuckin' weirdo who I could relate to and who was also successful." I feel their shoulders heave with a barely suppressed chuckle. "No seriously," I continue. "You gave me hope that there might be a place in the world for me after all."

"There absolutely is a place for you in the world. But you know why? Because you carved one out for yourself. You did that. That's something you can be proud of."

"But now what? What was all that surviving for? When will I finally have something to show for it all?"

"Wait, seriously? You don't think you have anything to show- ohhh. You don't think you have anything good enough for the Muse. That's what this is."

I look up at them. "Hold up. Do I detect a hint of... jealousy?"

"You didn't have any hangups about showing me your work. I'm just wondering out loud what's different this time."

"Oh my God, dude."

"I realize this may sound rich coming from me of all people, but... you don't actually have to impress the Muse just because they inspired you."

"This isn't really about them, though."

"Oh? Because there's a giant corkboard posted in the chart room of your prefrontal cortex labeled 'Five-Year Plan for Getting Noticed by Senpai' that has gone through numerous revisions over the last eight months."

"Who let you into my prefrontal cortex?!"

"Marve, I'm a figment of your imagination. No one's going to badge me when I show up. But back to the point... if you're going to use us as your yardstick for whether or not your limerence has gotten out of hand, I'm going to remind you that you didn't have a five-year plan to get my attention back in the day."

"I didn't plan for anything back then. I didn't see the point. In an alternate timeline I might have, though."

"So you have more control over your life now, but you want to devote it to maybe impressing someone you've never even met?"

"They're a stand-in for me. Until I can like myself enough to be my own motivation again."

"But this limerent devotion isn't helping you if it's making you feel inadequate and anxious."

"At least something is motivating me again. I just need a reason to keep going until I can find the next reason to keep going."

"Your five-year plan doesn't include any solid strategy to transition away from chasing after the Muse as your main source of motivation. If this whole thing is only supposed to be a narrative frame for your own personal growth, where and how exactly does personal growth fit into this narrative?"

I slide off their shoulder down into my seat and sigh. "Hell of a way to get called out by my own brain."

"Marve, you know I don't hand out compliments of any kind lightly. When I said that I was impressed by how smart and talented you were, I meant it. And now I also know what extraordinary inner strength you have in you, too. You have no reason to consider yourself inadequate. If this weirdo- if you meet them IRL and they don't like you, that's on them, not you."

"...you're a little jealous."

"I'm not. Granted, I do have some... questions about their whole deal. But what I really care about is keeping you from running yourself into the ground again. You say you know who this is really for, but I think the boundaries have gotten too fuzzy and it's time for you to pull back and refocus on you."

"Dear God. This is possibly the weirdest pep talk I've ever received from my own brain."

"I hope it means something, to hear it coming from me. Don't forget that there have always been people out there rooting for you. Including myself."

They lean over and kiss my cheek. "I'll see you in your dreams, Marvy. I'm usually somewhere in there if you're doing the Inception Architect thing. Come find me and say hi."

With that, they get up to leave. I watch them go, still trying to process everything that's just transpired.

#fuck me this got meta ANNNNNND POST

[cerenemuxse]

So i finally watched BWBA (Season 24)

My very useless review of BWBA Season 24

Please make your own opinions. Don't be like me (way before this) and base yours off of everyone's else. That's why I put useless, because it is if you hadn't made your own.

Surprisingly, this season was in plain sight, as well as other T&F seasons.

Emily's Best Friend

I hated it. I still hate. Sorry, but the 2-12 interaction could not save it. I still love that moment though. To me, Emily is OOC.

Thomas' Fuzzy Friend

Wholesome filler episode with a ref to Thomas the Babysitter, which is one of my all-time favorites. I love it.

The Great Little Engine Show

Eh- i like the mention of the model engines. Don't have anything against it but it doesn't stick out. .3.

Thomas and the Forest Engines

I like it. :D I like the storyline about why certain engines are allocated to certain places.

Emily to the Rescue

Peak Emily moment. I love it but why did it take so long for her to get her number??? 😭 Oh, well. I still love it.

I love that bring out her caring aspect. It's like her intro episode. (I finally watched it and MAN, i wish I got that Emily growing up 😭 she just came off as a bossy big sister /neg)

Shankar's Makeover

Shankar's like me. /srs I like this episode for addressing situations like this. Stage fright, not wanting attention, and being someone who keeps to themself. Nice episode.

Nia and the Unfriendly Elephant

The references are nice. I love Nia's love for animals and her assignment to the park. Before, her job wasn't permanent. Also, Belle is here. I love her. I love them. I like it. :]

Until I watch all of Nia's episodes, I won't be commenting on how she supposedly repeats learning things from Kenya all the damn time.

However, I do have a problem with the argument being made. It feels like it dimisses that different cultures interact like this most of the time, bringing up the ways they handle certain situations. From my expierence, i hear where these differences come from all the time, even if I know the person well enough.

I just don't see the problem with Nia bringing up how things different are between her old home and Sodor. It feels relatable, despite the fact that I'm Hispanic (Mexican), and it makes sense.

James the Super Engine

I ADORE THIS EPISODE. I've talked about it before but in short, I love how James is portrayed. Could've EASILY written him as a hero who gave up and didn't bother checking up on Rebecca when she yelled for help. But no, they went the right way. James IS caring but considering the environment he's had to work in for so many years, you can see why he doesn't show it. But here, HE DOES.

And when he realizes that Rebecca is in trouble? Its his normal voice, whereas before, it was his superhero voice.

My honest reaction whenever i watch it:

Thomas' Not-So-Lucky Day

Eh- I think the lesson is pretty good about getting those good things by thinking positively and working towards them instead of letting luck be the decision maker.

Ace's Brave Jump

I dont care.

Nia's Bright Idea

W Nia for being resourceful and bringing things together. I like it.

Cleo's First Snow

I like it.

Sonny's Second Chance

I like it.

Thomas and the Inventor's Workshop

I dont care for Ruth but I like it. Its decent.

The Inventor's Bridge

That bridge is going to fall over but there's probably physics that I don't understand that makes it make sense. At the end though, i could care less.

Yong Bao and the Tiger

I've seen it before.

I initially didn't like it due to the dynamics of the story. Like why is a massive engine like Yong Bao shunting in the yard?

However, i like it more now. I can dismiss the dynamic.

Gordon and Rebecca, Coming Through!

I've talked about it before. Its confusing, especially with its placement. Would've worked better as the episode following 'Confusion Without Delay".

Despite this, i like their dynamic.

Gordon's behavior is tiresome. I usually ignore it but i've seen enough of CGI TTTE that im getting sick and tired out of it. I've heard that his character growth was forgotten but i havent seen enough to have a say.

Kenji on the Rails

Mixed feelings on this one because Hiro's leaving. :( Stop writing off my favorite characters.

In my second, I noticed Hiro's "konnichiwa" and got thrown off completely. Odd how they're JUST now bringing out Hiro's first language. I don't remember seeing this brought out before BWBA.

Not really a review because of that. I'm sour about it.

Cleo the Road Engine

Ah, the intro episode. I thought it was in season 23. Its just Thomas and Bertie rewritten but Cleo is avoiding her jobs. No, it somehow didn't destroy my liking to her.

Thomas' Animal Friends

I think its cute but Thomas would've straight up ignored Gordon.

Overall impression: Not as shitty as its made to be. It has its good moments and bad moments.

I'm so glad that I wasn't bombarded with fantasy sequences with this one. Those are just plain ridiculous, for the most part. In some episodes, it fits like James the Super Engine and Thomas' Animal Friends. The one in Emily's Best Friend made me cringe but I enjoyed it because its Edwad and Emily.

Listen, I'm desperate for 2-12 content, man, and I've been ignoring model era for a good while because I just dont want to.

Uh, that's it.

#her train of thoughts

[honey-minded-hivemind]

Hello, everyone. I know I haven't posted for a while. I will try to post a little bit today, but I think I need to briefly discuss something that has been talked and argued over.

(Before you read this post, please be careful. It will discuss a little bit about religions, religious trauma, and other related topics. Please do not read if these things trigger you. Whatever you need to do to stay healthy and mentally well, do so. With this, you have been warned).

With so much arguing, fighting, and prejudice against the many different religions of the world, it can overwhelm a person. So many people, despite what their religion, their God/gods teach, prophets advised, and basic human goodwill toward men and women and others dictates, practice hate. It has happened since before A.D., and has lasted for as long as humanity has existed.

I don't think that is right.

Now, please, keep in mind I am no religious expert. All I can speak about is my own experiences, and explain from my point of view. I am not judging anyone for what they believe in. I think that would be wrong of anyone to do.

When I was younger, I went to a school that had a church and people who claimed to believe in God and to be Christian. (And before I continue, do not hate on Christians. Don't hate on Muslims, don't hate on Jews, don't hate on atheists, or those who believe in multiple gods, or those who believe in Buddha, OR ANY OTHER BELIEF. People are to be judged not by religion, or race, or gender, or opinion). These people, in short, were hypocrites. I was bullied, for essentially being different. I was a little slow in some aspects then. But these people didn't always act the way a Christian, or any kind person, should. I eventually left, and entered homeschooling, but not before having a sh*t ton of religious trauma, which would later hurt me in more ways than one.

But then... I went to Wendesday night supper with my new teacher, who would later become my adopted grandma. And I'd continue going, over the years, and I realized over the years this was the healthiest church environment I had ever known. They were kind, welcoming, warm... They would love a person, even if they weren't a Christian, or weren't straight, or had a disability. And this is what I wish more people would practice, in all religions and mindsets and beliefs. That you should love a person, care for them, even if they aren't like you.

I am unorthodox. I am not part of any denomination of Christianity (there are several) or any other religion, and have a few beliefs that I don't think are commonly found/explored/thought over. I think God, whomever they are, is beyond human comprehension. I also believe they are kind, love the human race, and will always avenge the innocent, one way or another. I also believe that perhaps the different religions do share the same God, if not in different ways. Who is to say God did not take on different aspects of themself, or appear to the different people of the world in a way they would understand? I believe God is a perfect being, that God is pure Good and pure Love. We, as humans, are not perfect. But we try, and we try to be good, to do the right thing. And I believe God knows that.

I could be wrong. I know that. I have a disorder that uses my religious trauma to hurt me, and I know that might influence some of my beliefs. But I truly believe that God would want their creations to get along, to love one another and support each other and try to help each other, despite race, gender, opinions, preferences, or any other factors.

(And on a lighter, less heavy note, the platonic yans would love you no matter what you believed. They would support you, and love you no matter what. And if anyone tried to hurt you, they would protect you and keep you safe)

#honeycomb thoughts #platonic yandere marvel #yandere platonic marvel #platonic yandere xmen #yandere x-men #platonic yandere #platonic yandere x reader #warning: religious topics #be kind

[ungrateful-cyborg]

Happy birthday! Is there a quest/mechanic/plot point/anything you don't really like in FFXIV? What do you think would make it better?

If that's too much to think on then: cake or pie?

Oh dear...

When it comes to what I don't like about the game, it's almost always about Garlemald. I didn't realize that before you asked but really, almost everything I can think of that I dislike story-wise is related to how Garlemald/Garleans/traitors in general are treated in the game.

1/ Tsuyu.

I've said it before, but the storyline with Tsuyu sucks (imo). And to get a bit personal, I've suffered from amnesia for years due to trauma. You don't regress into a five years old, you just don't remember why you feel the way you do. And sure there are several types of amnesia, and I do understand that they wanted to humanize her and put her wrongs into perspective with her culture and the political situation in Doma. But there were better ways than "but she was such a cute child before she was hurt!" Yes, so? So are the many many victims that don't destroy other people's life.

It's not that I don't find Yotsuyu's story interesting in itself, but I would have preferred something like: she built her own spy network with almost exclusively other girls who were once sold into (sex) slavery, both because she needed such a network and to 'help' them regain control on their life. And sure she put them in danger by using them as spies but it'd show that she was somewhat capable of compassion, at least towards people that reminded her of herself, which for a narcissistic woman who believed her suffering so great it gave her the right to commit high treason and torture innocent was fitting.

And then mix that with Asahi's bullshit (a bit differently that what was done, obviously), and we'd have had a nuanced villain who was once a sweet girl who suffered immensely and took it out on other people when she had the chance.

Except this time it would've been done with subtlety instead of shove down our throat.

2/ The Sorrow of Wherlyt.

Gaius was the one who ruled over Ala Mhigo for twenty years. The vast majority of destruction happened in Ala Mhigo because of him. The cultural genocide happened because of him. And he feels sorry for himself because Lahabrea used his thirst for conquest against him? And I'm supposed to believe that him being sad because his kids keep sacrificing themselves means he feels somewhat remorseful for all he's done? Not once does he shows a shred of remorse or true understanding of what he's done. And it'd be fine, if it was just how the character is, but everybody else treats him like he's on the way to redemption and that's just... jarring.

Like. I don't mind the political aspect, far from it. That the Garlean Empire presented such a threat that Werlyt felt like asking for his help, why not. He wouldn't be the first war criminal to get a job for having been a war criminal.

That Raubahn "I-cut-people-in-two-when-I-think-the-Sultana's-dead-but-apparently-having-the-man-who-destroyed-my-country-freely-roaming-said-country-is-all-fine-and-dandy" Aldynn discovered political pragmatism for the sake of Ala Mhigo... I mean, I do believe it's more of a plot hole than anything but let's admit it wasn't. I'm fine with it. I do believe he should have put limits to where Gaius could go without supervision though but I'm not a head of state.

What I don't get is why no one is asking for a trial now that the Empire is no more. If SE doesn't want to take Gaius out of commission, I can understand. But then let's just say that Wherlyt refuses to give him up, Raubahn's hands are tied and it causes tensions between the two neighboring countries. If SE didn't want political tensions, maybe they shouldn't have made Stormblood so political to begin with.

But this, at least, would mean that you don't get to commit war crimes only to be rewarded with a country you helped conquer, and everyone's blessing on top of it.

I just want some consequences when people fuck up in the story. Not death or torture or anything, just... consequences. They did it right with Fordola, I know they can do it.

3/ Garlemald.

Missed occasion with that politician in the last patch (I think it was the last?) to have actual resistance against the Alliance from the people at the top, because they're the ones with something to lose in that whole affair. And by that I mean "resistance for more time than it takes to save yet another bastard from his own stupidity".

In my opinion, we'd get a better situation with Garlemald if the politicians'd been so self-interested they rejected the Alliance's help in a patch. Then later the people of Garlemald would realize what they'd done in their name and throw them out, finally showing us they're ready to compromise and work with us, rather than being passive recipient of generous help they don't deserve.

Because really at this rate, in thirty years they're back to trying to conquer another country. And why not? When they fucked up, the people they tried to destroyed helped them for free, without even expecting respect in return. Clearly it shows they're superior, right?

4/ Lyse.

She should have had a bigger role in the Resistance before we met her again at the end of HW, and then sent as the Resistance's speaker to build alliances in the East when she comes with us (as training as the next leader).

And maybe Papalymo could have been like "you don't need me anymore" before sacrificing himself, and she would have protested that he's her friend, it's not about needed him or something. Idk. In my opinion it would have made the whole scene more emotional, and her revelation later more impactful, but maybe that's just me.

Another thing that could have been fun as far as character development goes would have been if she'd been a bit more serious in SB because she already had had character development while we were battling dragons... and people commented that she started to remind them of her sister.

I'm still a bit disappointed that nobody ever comment on it later. I know they already knew but what's the point of such a reveal if there's no comeback to it? (Plus, angst.)

And that's it, I think.

Well, no. SE, please give me back my positional when I play monk ;_;

Thank you for your ask, @luck-and-larceny! It's very long but letting me rant about all that was a great birthday gift XD

#The More You Know #answered; OOC #also to answer your last question #either/or #I like both as long as they're not too complex/sugary #but for my birthday it's Black Forest cake or nothing XD