#they’re my hyperfixations and i get to combine them in any way possible

[britishassistant]

A twst and NeverAfter crossover! A Twisted Neverland! There are so many possibilities!

Warning: NeverAfter/twst chapter 7 spoilers

I imagine the RSA princes’ motives might be a combination of the Fairies and the Princesses; something like, destroying twisted wonderland in order to return to the “true” version of the story. Because imagine how unfair it must feel to go from being the most important character in your story to barely even getting a name. I could see that leading to a mindset of setting right what once went wrong, only their definition of “right” is a bit myopic. Nevemind that their plan would doom all of the NRC students because “they’re villains, villains don’t deserve happy endings”

I know he’s taking the role of the Stepmother but Malleus’ goal also gives him a lot in common with the Baron of Bricks. A beginning with no ending. And a conflict with death (which is perfect since Idia, twisted from the ruler of the underworld, is gonna go up against him in canon). Perhaps that’s why he’s not too far gone to save? Because he doesn’t want to completely destroy everything, instead he wants to preserve certain parts of the story at the expense of everything else. Or is he at a point of “if I can’t have you no one can”?

What’s Lilia’s role in this? I can’t imagine he’d willingly go along with this insane plan if he understood what was going on, considering his reaction at the party. So is he being controlled? I guess that would mean Silver is in a similar position to Pinocchio.

If the students are sticking to the script doesn’t that mean that Yuu has to meet with Malleus? Not very often (thank god) but I doubt he’d take kindly to being denied their friendship, not after everything he’s sacrificed to keep it. Man, imagine meeting this eldritch creature and being expected to act all clueless and call him Hornton like you’re not painfully aware that he wants to eat you or something.

And are all the students aware of the nature of their world? Was it harder for some of them to awaken than others? Specifically the ones without an obvious analog from the other stories? Like Jack, or those twisted from plot devices instead of characters? (Epel: I’m a goddamned apple)

Sorry for the long disjointed rant, your au just combined my two current hyperfixations:D

Thank you for the ask, dear anon!

These are literally my two hyperfixations right now, I am vibrating in place—

(Also this is just one of the two possible crossovers I’ve had in mind. After all, if Disney interpretations of fairy tales exist within Neverafter, who’s to say our intrepid heroes couldn’t wash up on Sage Island one fine morning?)

And yes that is what’s happening with the RSA princes—much like the Neverafter princesses they have basically decided that the villainous world of Twisted Wonderland is only making people residing in it unhappy as things get worse and worse every run. Therefore the only way to save everyone and make them happy is by making sure this backwards, twisted world no longer exists.

Yes, Malleus’ goals are basically an amalgamation of the two—like when the stepmother started out and the Baron, all he wants is a way to keep Lilia from getting sick and to keep his human in Twisted Wonderland without needing to ever worry about parting. Except, then he discovered that his story was written to be a tragedy where he confronts loss and learns to move on despite it. And in his current mindset, the being formerly known as Malleus Draconia was not prepared to accept that this narrative would only take from him that which he held dear.

Isn’t it better that he sacrifice the very thing binding him to this tale, the name of the heir to the Valley of Thorns, if it means he can surpass the Thorn Fairy and destroy all that which is unnecessary to his happiness? Even if his current power is insufficient to do so, all he needs to do are consume the other manifestations of “Dorm Head” or “Villain” until he is the only being left with any claim to these titles, no?

He’s not quite at the point of “if I can’t have you, no one can” but he is getting there. Oh boy is he getting there.

Lilia, Crowley and by extension Sebek are trying to work against the Diasomnia Dorm Head to get things Back on Track (or what they think Back On Track is). As fae, they’re a bit more aware of the ways in which the narrative should run, and the beings whose attentions they do not wish to attract for fear of them making the story worse.

For Lilia and Sebek this is hard as they need to try and keep Diasomnia running like how it was when the Dorm Head was still mostly person shaped, while ensuring no one deviates from the script by force, if they must. They can’t do much about the Dorm Head, as he’s basically drifting around doing whatever he wants to try and gain more power, but for the more human students? Well, it’s not like these individual, self-centered mages can really fight back against Crowley or Lilia’s capabilities, right? Just stick to the plan and everything will be fine, they promise.

Of course, this is without the additional factor that every parallel version of Twisted Wonderland our heroes end up in after they die incorporates more of the darker and grittier aspects of the original tales than the ones before it.

Kalim al-Asim hasn’t had the freedom to think for himself since the start of the year, for example. Crossing the Octavinelle trio is a sure fire way to find yourself vanished without a trace, the dorm students of Ignihyde seem to be halfway to the underworld already, and some say the dorm head of Heartslaybul will paint the roses red with the blood of those who fail to live up to his exacting standards.

Yuu, Grim, Silver, Rook and Ortho are all part of Team “maybe we shouldn’t have to follow our stories to the letter to find happiness but we don’t want the world destroyed either thnx”.

Grim, quite understandably, does not want his story to end with him turning into a monster that either kills his friends or gets killed by them, and so is trying to find a way to avoid this fate.

Silver and Rook, thanks to their more light-aligned origins, are similar to the RSA students in that once they’ve “awoken” they’ll stay that way across every version of themselves. Silver is taking it much harder than Rook is, though it’s not easy for him either.

Ortho, thanks to Idia modifying his memory databanks so they can be transferred across dimensions, is able to pretty much “awaken” whenever an alternate version of him is destroyed.

Yuu’s notebook, which they originally used in their Villainous Paranoiac ‘verse to record everything that happened to them and try to figure out a way to prevent overblots, functions very much like Timothy Goose’s storybook, if more…prone to overwriting its wielder with the memories stored within.

Most of the students who “wake up” usually join this side as well. It’s actually much easier for the students who aren’t twisted from defined character within their story to “awaken”. After all, it’s much harder for a person to be twisted into a worse version of their story counterpart if that counterpart is say, an apple, a pair of cards, or a wolf that never appeared in the first place.

Thank you for ranting though! I really enjoy reading through things like this!!

#twisted wonderland #twst #neverafter #twst spoilers #neverafter spoilers #twisted wonderland yuu #twst yuu #villainous paranoiac yuu #malleus draconia #twst rsa #twst silver #twst grim #rook hunt #ortho shroud #lilia vanrouge #sebek zigvolt #dire crowley

[midnight-mod]

RANT THAT NO ONE WILL PROBABLY READ

Reminder that:

Allistic people can, and do, get overstimulated

Allistic people do have sensory needs (even if they don’t realize it)

Allistic people stim! (Tapping pen, jiggling leg, chewing pencil)

Allistic people can and do get frustrated by some social rules (not every not-autistic person “gets” 100% of the rules 100% of the time)

Allistic people have passions and interests that can last a lifetime

Autism is these traits expressed to a disordered degree, where they impair someone’s ability to function day to day

I am in the camp that a lot of people self-dxing as autistic these days are not, even though I do think it’s more common than previously thought.

The same thing is happening to ADHD. Anyone who is struggling with attention is ADHD. Anyone who is very energetic is ADHD.

But I’m also in the camp that these people are probably reacting to sensing (correctly) that something is wrong, and launching themselves at something that seems to explain and embrace it.

And those people DESERVE to feel better. They DESERVE symptom relief. They deserve to let themselves stim and be more open about their interests! They deserve to excuse themselves when overstimulated to take a sensory break! They deserve to feel confident communicating to someone that a social rule is too restrictive for them!

But I think social media is spreading this concept that if you have ANY social or sensory difficulties you are autistic. That if you have a passion it’s a special interest or hyperfixation. That if you are struggling with focus and executive dysfunction you are definitely ADHD.

When I think we’re ignoring the elephant in the room: COVID. The pandemic stunted a lot of kids’ social development. It meant everyone was online a LOT more, and studies have shown that social media can cause serious dysregulation of the dopamine reward system and cause seriously shortened attention spans. Being trapped inside meant it was easier to develop discomfort avoidance habits since you constantly had access to instant distraction and escape from challenging or frustrating or unpleasant tasks.

And I think a lot of kids developed depression and anxiety, both of which combined can present a LOT of similar symptoms to autism and ADHD!!! (I know because when I’m symptomatic for depression and anxiety my adhd becomes COMPLETELY unmanageable)

These diagnoses are not as cut and dry as people think. There are not strong borders between disordered and typical behaviors. You can easily slip over those borders. These diagnoses exist primarily for the purposes of psychiatric treatment—so the medications and therapeutic techniques most likely to treat the symptoms can be applied. But if you haven’t had lifelong presentation of a majority of symptoms of the disorder, it’s possible you’re suffering from something else that onset later in life.

These opinions come from someone who has been working with little kids for a little while now, including multiple autistic and adhd kiddos. And there are a lot of things that the non-autistic and adhd kids do that are not too far off from their neurodivergent peers.

(I avoided the terms Neurodivergent and Neurotypical in this rant because they have been misused to mean “autistic/adhd” and “not autistic/adhd”. A lot of these people struggling and self-dxing might really be neurodivergent, I am not going to call someone who might be struggling with PTSD, anxiety, depression, etc. neurotypical because… they’re NOT. Chances are good that they’re drawn to IDing as neurodivergent because they ARE, just not in the way they think)

[t34rdr0pz]

ranboo carrying the lgbt community ..

#they’re my hyperfixations and i get to combine them in any way possible #my art #digital art #mcyt #fanart #dream smp fanart #dream smp #ranboo #ranboo fanart #opossum #lgbt #lesbian #gay #bisexual #transgender #pansexuel #nonbinary #possums

[solarsleepless]

what r max's stims? :)

SHSHJSHJSJSJSHJSH

okAY yes i have many thoughts abt adhd max i am vibrating rn

okay so first of all theres the average well known "flappy hands"

but she really likes it when she has sweaters with longer sleeves because then she can just flap them around

leg bounce leg bounce leg bounce

cracking her knuckles. she does this SO often its unreal

she doesnt have many vocal stims but she goes "ba ba ba" or just humming and singing sometimes

also running her hand on the bottom of her skateboard, and/or rolling the wheels

just being on her skateboard and swaying is a huge stim

chewing her shirt lmao

im also gonna say that she also stims by pressing on buttons and other stuff in the arcade. its just Nice To Do

also stims by kicking off of the ground on her skateboard. very nice

well this is gonna turn into adhd max rant get ready

she had adhd combined (like yours truly) and finds it hard to concentrate in class

she totally hyperfixated on video games at some point

and comics probably

and skateboarding too

she is a VERY picky eater. like she could barely eat stuff in california, so when she moves to hawkins it only gets worse

sensory issues my abhorreeed

can't stand too-loud noises (b!lly of course knows this and turns up music in his car so that he can't even hear himself)

that being said she cant STAND the silence and always needs background noise (she and el bond over liking white noise from tv)

SHE LOVES TANGLERS SO MUCH

goes nonverbal sometimes because of the fear that if she says anything itll just make things worse. the party + steve is very concerned at first, then learn to live with it

WHISTLE STIM WHISTLE STIM WHISTLE

she has so many weighted blankets. she couldnt actually use them much because it was too hot in cali but then in hawkins she used them all the time

SPINNY CHAIR SPINNY CHAIR

undiagnosed

loves fluffy jumpers. she never really used or felt them earlier because of the hotness of california but when she was cold and lucas lent her his fluffy jumper...

well let's just say he didn't get it back

rubbing her hand over lucas's knuckles :)

i know i've already said singing stim but just imagine her singing 'material girl' or 'old time rock and roll'

echolalia! only sometimes tho

like erica will go "hey max me and lukie are gonna make a cake wanna help?" "cake?" "cake" "cake!" "cake!" "cake"

also the sinclair family is so accepting. they're confused but they just accept max and thats okay

once the party started looking up what adhd was, max brought it up once and immediately they all went 'that's only for little boys'

(which is bullshit obvs)

remember that sleepover scene where max is dancing? yeah that but its a stim

the party + the teens have a running joke of max being moth because she stares at lights so much. visual stim

she scratches as a(n unhealthy) stim but it gets worse after billy's death

hates it when people shout, usually goes nonverbal if it's directed at her

jumps when she's happy!!

you know how she just wears basic and unlayered clothes? yeah she chooses them on purpose because tight stuff feels Bad

she hates labels with her entire being

she seems like the kind of gal to bite her nails

also adopted dustin's "grrr" as a stim

"hey max- grrr" "...what was that?" "...grrr" "could you teach me how to do that" ".. o k a y ?"

will and max (i hc will as autistic) both have lil stimming sessions! they just notice the other stimming and join in, just leaving them laughing at the end!

lucas is super understanding of her stims

he learnt to recognize when she's understimulated and gives her fidget toys!! and if he doesnt have any then he'll just straight up grab her hand and start rubbing his fingers against the knuckles

i'd like to say:

*SLAPS ROOF OF MAX MAYFIELD* THIS BITCH CAN HOLD SO MUCH RSD

she wasnt doing so good in the first place

thinking stuff like

"maybe if i wasnt born then my parents wouldn't have divorced"

and stuff like that

(billy intentionally makes it worse because of course he does)

but then it gets so. much. worse.

you know mike said "because you're annoying" in s2?

YOU CAN BET THAT TRIGGERED HER RSD SO HARD

and also when el just walked past her in s2? yeah well

that didn't go off well with her rsd either

lucas has to reassure her that she's not a mistake, she's not annoying, he doesn't secretly hate her, etc etc

he doesnt think he'll ever forgive mike for triggering her rsd so badly

this has so many hurt/comfort possibilities in fic holy fuck-

lucas immediately shuts down her deprecating comments

like IMMEDIATELY

he wont stand for that shit

he is glaring so badly at anyone who triggers max's rsd

unless it's someone they love (like erica) who doesn't actually know what they did wrong and want to make up for it

once erica activated her rsd by accident

just with a lil lighthearted comment

"ugh i hope you arent as annoying as lukey's little friends on the walkie talkie"

once erica finds out abt what she did she feels SO bad. babey

she does everything she can to make up for it

apologizes properly when they're both brushing the barbie's hair

she finds out max stims by brushing barbie's hair when max has to look after once

so when she can see max is understimulated she'll just toss a barbie and a hairbrush her way

also likes max's echolalia (can you hear that? its the sound of max's euphoria boosting)

erica learns to lower her voice around max

max can't watch anything without subtitles btw

she just cannot

she'll watch it and cause she's smart she'll figure out what's going on

but often has to turn to lucas and go "whats going on???"

she loves the feeling of snow thru her gloves

maybe its the cold but still. very Nice

uhh i have more but i cant be bothered also this is too long already

#max mayfield #adhd headcanons #stimming #stranger things headcanons #max mayfield headcanons #lucas sinclair #erica sinclair #sinclair family my beloveds #max is bi and has adhd change my mind :) #max mayfield my beloved #itstiger720 #lumax the beloveds

[fellowstrangetownappreciator]

Curious and autistic-coded

Hello there! April draws to an end and with that I think it’s high time to hurry up and write this. What does April have to do with anything, you ask? April is the Autism Acceptance Month. So what better month to do this?

Unfortunately I didn’t make it. I failed. It’s already 1. 5. when I’m posting this. But at least I tried to deliver on time.

In this mini essay I’ll present my case about why I think the Curious brothers from TS2 Strangetown display autistic-coded traits and my personal takes on it.

It’s basically your average headcanon post but with a funny top hat!

0: Preface: What do I mean by “autistic-coded”?

When a character is coded as something, it means that they have traits that are associated with the demographics in question to make the consumer knowingly or not link the character with the demographic, although the character's "label” is never explicitly disclosed.

In the nutshell, it means that there are canonical reasons to read the characters as autistic, although you won't find the word "autism" anywhere in the game nor in the developer's commentary.

In this particular case I do believe that the developer may not even be aware of the code, as there is no evidence to suggest otherwise. If there is, I’m not aware of it and I would be happy to learn.

So, let’s start!

1: “The white male who is very good at science”

Unfortunately autistic representation in pop-culture has a long history of being rather straightforward in which traits the characters often have. This stems from the belief that autism is “a boy’s disorder” (that’s why some autism charities to this day use blue in their symbols). Among popular examples of autistic-coded characters are Big Bang Theory’s Sheldon Cooper and Death Note’s L and Near. I’m sure you can think of more but you’ll find that most of them are men and either explicitly white or racially ambiguous white-passing. They also tend to be gifted in tech, logic or other science-y activities.

There’s nothing wrong with that! Nothing wrong with being an autistic with those “stereotypical” characteristics and there is nothing wrong with people being represented. What is wrong is the monotony and afab people/people of color being underrepresented which leads (among other factors) to harder access to diagnosis and resources for those people in real life. But! That’s a topic for a different day. (and not for a simbrl, mind you)

Back to the Curiouses! I just wanted to say that autism in media is traditionally associated with characters whose gender presentation, race and interests align with theirs. Those characteristic thus make a very convenient template for autistic-coding.

2: Inconsistent performance, huge gaps between strengths and weaknesses

Pascal, Vidcund and Lazlo are very skilled Sims by default, extraordinarily even for their age. Pascal has a skill maxed while his younger brothers both near maxing theirs.

But as you can see in Pascal’s default skill panel, apart from Creativity, all his other skills are extremely low, 0 points for Mechanical, Body and Charisma, 1 point for Cooking and Logic and his second best skill, Cleaning, has only 3 points. The same situation can be observed in Vidcund’s and Lazlo’s, except their strong suits are Logic and Cooking respectively.

Huge discrepancies within performance in different cognitive areas is a common trait found in those on the autism spectrum. We’re often talking extremes here and the scale of the difference is the defining factor. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, it’s just in neurodivergent people those tend to be unusually noticeable.

I think that skills, simplified as they are, are the closest The Sims has to possibly simulate that because they track the character’s performance and expertise in different areas and allow comparison. In real life, of course, this comparison is not nearly as possible and exact, nor desired, but for all our analysis-loving enthusiasm, here we’re still talking fictional characters.

3: Struggle with social cues

It is widely known that one of autistic traits are difficulties with processing social situations, picking social cues and successfully replicating socially desired behavioral patterns.

But these three are Sims, are they not? They cannot possibly display this trait, since they’re programmed the same way as others.

Yes and no.

It is true that there is no specific in-game feature that would allow Sims to behave with explicit neurodivergency in mind* but with the right combination of traits they can simulate behavior that really hits close to home for neurodivergent players.

*at least not in TS2, TS3 has traits that simulate some possible neurodivergencies but their names tend to be rather... ableist unfortunate and they’re not relevant to this post since they’re not autism related, and even if they were, we’re focusing on TS2 exclusively

Let’s take look at Lazlo here. He is, indeed, a playful soul. He likes to goof around, tell jokes, make others laugh. And since he’s very close to his brother Vidcund, close enough even to Tell Dirty Joke (an interaction that needs quite a high relationship to unlock), he autonomously does just that.

And oh boy, does Vidcund disapprove.

From my personal experience playing them, their relationship usually takes quite a hit from every cheeky joke Lazlo throws Vid’s way. They usually autonomously repair it very quick but it happens often.

But that’s a standard behavior. Vidcund’s very serious, he doesn’t take well to jokes.

No. I mean technically yes, Vid is definitely a grumpy old plant dad but, at least in my game, he tends to accept Lazlo’s jokes. All kinds of them, actually, except for the dirty ones. And Pascal, who technically has even lower Playful points (0 in comparison to Vidcund’s 4), doesn’t seem to mind Lazlo’s poor attempts at grown-up humor.

But! What is it that makes Lazlo try still? What drives him to attempt to make Vidcund laugh with a dirty joke over and over again? (and fail?)

I my interpretation, Lazlo doesn’t do that on purpose, he is just really poor at evaluating “dirtiness” of a given joke and frequently misinterprets Vidcund’s cues. The animation of a dirty joke being rejected even supports that as Vid doesn’t signal his discomfort with any exaggerated easy-to-read facial expression until Lazlo gets to his punchline.

No only that but as I mentioned, the invisible lines between spicy and too vulgar are often hard to thread. I can recall many times I thought I was saying a witty quip on an “adult” topic and was met with awkward silence or someone shushing me because “that’s not how you speak in public”. I can well imagine myself in Lazlo’s shoes.

A situation of social cues being misinterpreted or ignored can be observed also in Vidcund. Programming-wise, those are just his low Niceness and extreme Shyness showing but combined they again paint a picture of a very neurodivergent-looking behavioral pattern.

He often behaves like the concept of politeness or social rules doesn’t exist because the combination of the aforementioned traits makes him come off very blunt (lecturing and shoving telescope-peepers with no warning whatsoever) and distant (having a high chance of rejecting simple small-talk socials).

(That’s Jasmine Rai casting the “Summon Vidcund” spell.)

Yes, I am fully aware that it makes a stronger case for him being an a**hole than autistic but... there’s no reason he can’t be both. Not all autistic people are sweet cinnamon buns, all personalities you can think of can be neurodiverse and, for some their neurodiversity can even amplify their inconsiderate ways, as I believe it is the case with our dear grouch Vidcund.

4. Their bios

“No matter what happens, Pascal believes there is a logical explanation for everything. In his free time, he practices home psychoanalysis and collects conspiracy theories.”

(that’s how I imagine practicing psychoanalysis looks like, sorry Freud)

“Serious and exact, Vidcund strives to fit the universe into a nice tidy package. He has an unnatural fondness for African violets.”

(let’s collectively pretend those are African violets)

“Not as studious as his older brothers, Lazlo got his degree in Phrenology. He likes to call phone psychics and spends hours trying to bend forks with his mind.”

*error: screenshot of Lazlo bending forks not found*

(but here he is hanging out with Erin Beaker, the closest thing to “calling phone psychics” you can actually do in-game)

Both Pascal’s and Vidcund’s bios point to a pattern-focused worldview with a strong emphasis on rationality as the center-point that anchors the way they understand the world around them and build their principles on. This “pattern-ization” of thinking is a common autistic trait, with rationality being a popular theme because emotions tend to be difficult to access and asses for many of us.

Lazlo’s biography is an outlier. But it still has something significant in common with those of his brothers: All three of their bios allude to a potential special interest of sorts.

Special interests as an autism-related term are very specific, in-depth and long-term hobbies or areas of expertise that make an autistic person happy and they tend to go to seemingly exhausting lengths, often at the cost of other areas of knowledge and most likely the person’s ability to talk about anything else for a long enough time. (a loving hyperbole, no disrespect meant) Mine are my characters and cats. An even more intense but a short(er)-term passion is called a hyperfixation.

Them potentially having a special interest is yet another possible autistic-coded feature.

5. Wait. Why does it matter?

Right. What does it matter if a Sim (A SIM) (or two or three) is autistic? What do I hope to achieve, pushing my autistic Curiouses agenda down your throats?

I got to write a long rant-piece about some of my favorite TS characters and I feel like I can finally die satisfied.

Apart from that and me sharing my happiness of finding some good pixels I can relate to, it is a matter of representation.

Remember by the very beginning I wrote how most of the representation our community gets in media tends to be just a one specific type of character?

And how the Curious brothers seem to fit the stereotype to a point?

There is something I omitted, something I saved for the last on purpose.

The role. The role in their story, the role in the society the piece of media portrays.

We often see neurodiverse, autistic or autistic-coded character as children, students, villains, lone savants, victims in distress, comedic relief sidekicks, either very vulnerable and needing protection, or detached and having their role defined only by their academic prowess or their special interest/profession.

What we rarely get to see them as, are... parents.

That’s what many of us autistics are or plan to be someday in the future. The dogma around autism has started to dwindle relatively recently and there are little to no examples of autistic adults being the care-givers for once in the media around us.

The Curious brothers are just that. They are chaotic, they are eccentric, they can be a little too much... but they are dutiful and loving fathers/uncles to their little aliens they raise.

They make it work. Even if they face difficulties, even if they don’t exactly fit the standard.

“Sometimes, a family truly can be three brothers raising alien babies, and it’s beautiful.”

It encourages us to define family by love rather than traditional structures and it shows us that portrait of a functional neurodiverse family we need to see.

And goodness, is it a powerful sight.

#the sims 2 #the sims #ts2 #simbrl #pascal curious #vidcund curious #lazlo curious #autism acceptence month #headcanon #actuallyautistic #autistic curiouses agenda #please someone take tumbrl from me

[a-singleboat]

Virtual Reality

Word Count: 2.4k

Request: hi! if your taking requests, i was wondering if you could write a damien x reader, where they meet through Twitch? add anything else you want i always love everything you write, thanks so much!! - anon

Warning(s): like, one swear

It was a Thursday night when you first met him, or rather, heard of him. You had been streaming for five hours heading into your sixth when you decided it might be time for you to log off for the night. As per usual, you took at least thirty minutes at the end of your stream just to talk with your viewers, usually about how their lives were going in exchange for a story from your own day. 

Tonight, however, there was an influx of people asking if you’d ever heard of a streamer by the name of Damien Haas, which you hadn’t, and if you would do a collaboration with the man anytime soon. Apparently, your content was eerily similar and you were, and I quote, “Practically the female version of him, looks aside.” 

“Damien Haas…” you rolled yourself back closer to your desk, hands settled on your keyboard. You typed his name into the search bar, patiently waiting for Twitch to pull up his account. You clicked into the first one, making an impressed face at the purple checkmark next to his name. You squinted at the screen. “Is this him? In the profile picture with the LEDs in the background?” 

You glanced at your chat, chuckling as the viewers started spamming ‘yes’ and ‘oh my god it’s happening,’ and your personal favorite, ‘mom come pick me up the best crossover of 2020 is happening and im SCARED.’

“He plays a lot of Animal Crossing,” you observed, clicking on one of his videos and dragging the tab onto your main monitor so the stream could see it. You skipped through the beginning part, biting into a pretzel as you watched. 

“He’s kinda cute,” you commented, laughing as your stream freaked out once more. There were a few people commenting what looked like it could be a ship name though you ignored it. “Shame I’d never meet him, though.”

You paused his video, taking note of the time, before rolling out your shoulders. “I think it’s time for me to head out so I’m gonna end this stream with a huge thank you to you all for sticking with me through this entire stream and if you didn’t stay the entire time, I’m glad you decided to join in on the ride even halfway through. I’ll see you guys next time.”

You ended the stream, waving goodbye to your viewers before the light went out and you could relax the smile off your face. Don’t get it twisted, you loved streaming and you loved your viewers but just like any other job, it could get exhausting at times. You shut down your monitors, the screens turning blue before fading to black. You stretched, taking your phone up from its charger and launching yourself into bed, opening your phone and clicking on Twitter. 

Much like staying thirty minutes after you were done streaming to talk to viewers, you usually went on Twitter right after to answer questions and respond to DMs. This time, however, instead of opening the app to see a bunch of post-stream questions, your mentions were filled with the video clip of you saying, “He’s kinda cute,” as well as maybe a million people tagging both you and Damien in them. 

Well, shit. 

Soon enough, that was all that filled your timeline. You couldn’t move in one direction without running into another screencap of you admiring the man. God, you knew the consequences but something in the back of your mind was urging you to reach out to him.

After a few moments of contemplation, the lonely side of you won out, forcing you to message him against your better judgment. Without even thinking about it, you found his Twitter and sent this message:

Hey, I’m sorry about your mentions blowing up because of me tonight. My viewers recommended your Twitch to me and I spoke without thinking about it on Live. 

And with no expectation of his response, you fell asleep right there with your phone on your chest and the DM still open. 

You woke up the next morning with a sore neck and a dead phone, which was a terrible way to start your day. You rolled over, plugging your device into an outlet before crawling out of bed to start your day. When you weren’t streaming, you worked as a freelance editor for different YouTubers, helping their editors with their workload or even staying on as a Temp for different companies. Occasionally you edited the odd commercial here and there, but those gigs were rare. 

Most recently, you had received some material from a group of YouTubers, Smosh. This job was different, however, because if you did well on this you could be looking at a permanent place of employment through their parent company, Mythical Entertainment. 

You knew Mythical Entertainment, it was hard not to, especially since your aunt was one of the producers within the company, but tended to ignore everything the company did. The last you’d heard, they’d onboarded another YouTube group (which you did later find out to be Smosh, the same YouTubers whose video you were hired to edit). 

 After a quick shower and a half-assed attempt at a proper breakfast, you were ready to start your day. You situated yourself behind your monitors, opening the video clips that had been sent to you. The first was a sample video, something that gave you insight on what their editing style was actually like. 

But imagine your surprise when you’re staring down the same man you have called cute the night before, his approximately five-eleven stance taking up one-sixth of the space. He was standing next to a blond, who had been marked as “Shayne Topp.”

Despite there being five other people in frame, your eyes kept moving back to Damien’s figure, watching his mannerisms through the screen and laughing along to his jokes when they fell upon deaf ears. 

Your eyes slid over to your phone, now decently charged after sitting for so long. On your screen were dozens of notifications. There were maybe two from your mom, asking if you’d be coming home for dinner sometime that week but the majority came from Twitter. You picked up the device, unlocking and responding to your mom with a, “yes,” before opening Twitter. 

Nothing much had changed from the night prior. Your mentions were still being flooded with the video from last night but newer content had been ushered in, namely fan edits using footage from your streams and, you assumed, his. 

The only major difference, however, was the fact that Damien had responded to your DM from the night prior. The first message read: 

It’s really no problem! My stream had mentioned your name before, too.

Followed by the second:

P.S. I think you’re cute, too.

You couldn’t believe your eyes. Mr. Damien Haas, the man that you had made a thoughtless comment on stream about, also thought that you were cute. Suddenly, the fact that you had been staring at him for the past hour seemed less stalkerish and more like a blooming crush. You wrote back:

Aw, thanks! Have you seen the newer fan edits? They’re all so talented.

You cringed at yourself. A cute boy started talking to you and you’ve suddenly forgotten how to be suave, not that you really were in the first place. But still, you liked to think you had some tact when talking to people that you found attractive. 

Not even a moment later, there came a response. 

Yes, I have, he responded. And I agree! They are all very talented individuals. 

You looked from the monitor in front of you. You had about a quarter of the footage left to go through before you could start editing but this technically wasn’t due until the following night. Feeling emboldened by the fact that he had actually responded, you replied:

Are you going to TwitchCon on Friday? We should meet up or something. 

Anxiously you awaited his response, taking his silence as an opportunity to watch a bit more of the footage and take down notes according to the sample they’d given you. Roughly thirty minutes later is when the next response came in, reading as an affirmative to both questions. 

You didn’t respond, choosing to leave your social media for after you’d finished editing the video. Your heart still pounded, however. Just the thought that there was a possibility for the two of you to meet was, simply put, insane. You’d just heard of the guy the night before and decided that he was going to be your latest hyperfixation. 

But who could blame you? He was a nice, funny guy that showed the slightest bit of attraction towards you. It didn’t help that you were a sucker for guys that were nice to you. 

Fast forward to the Friday of TwitchCon, also known as the first day of TwitchCon. You and Damien had been talking steadily over Twitter DMs and just last night you had gained his phone number, giving you even more access to the man than you had before. But of course, who were you if you didn’t tease your fans with the prospect of you meeting. 

The night before, at the end of your stream, you’d given your fans the little tidbit of information that you and Damien were, in fact, planning on meeting up sometime during TwitchCon and would be greeting fans together for an hour at your booth. 

That sent Twitter into a frenzy, both of your combined fans getting your ship name to trend within the hour, which confused the hell out of a bunch of locals. 

It was nearing the time you and Damien had set to meet up. The plan was you’d meet around twelve for lunch, take an hour for yourselves, before going back to your booth and meeting with fans for an hour or so as promised. 

You had never been more nervous than you were in that moment. Not only were you about to meet your three-day-old crush but apparently a very popular YouTuber. You tried not to let the thought mess with your head. One of your friends, Wilbur Soot (who you played Minecraft with from time to time) was poking fun at you for being nervous about meeting a popular YouTuber. 

After three years of streaming and gaining a solid following, you’d think you’d be used to meeting other popular content creators. But because it was him, you found yourself unable to think straight. 

“What if I fuck up?” you asked Wilbur anxiously. He’d flown in from London for this event at your insistence and because you’d offered to pay half his airfare to get there and back. He didn’t have his own booth as his arrival was very last minute, but he didn’t mind. He signed the occasional poster though his main purpose was to provide you mental and emotional support. 

“You won’t fuck up,” he comforted, leafing through one of the comics a fan had given you. The entire thing was hand-drawn, which was an insane fact in itself. It looked professional, which was what blew you away when you’d received it. “Well, you won’t fuck up as badly as you did when you first met Schlatt.”

You groaned in embarrassment. “Don’t remind me.”

Long story short, you’d dumped a red in color slushy on the man accidentally after tripping over an unmarked cable. It really wasn’t your fault but the boys hadn’t let you live it down since then. 

Half a moment later, Wilbur was poking your side. “Is that him?” he asked, jabbing his pointer finger into your side while looking in the opposite direction. He was looking at a familiar figure walking down the hallway toward your booth. He stopped for a moment to take a photo with a fan, talking to them about something, before continuing on his way toward you. 

Your eyes locked and you gave him a smile while trying to beat Wilbur into no longer poking you. He stopped when you slapped his arm the first time, sticking his tongue at you before going on his phone. You rolled your eyes at his half-assed attempt of pretending he wasn’t about to start listening in on your conversation. 

“Hey, Y/n, right?” Damien asked as he approached. You nodded, reaching out for a handshake but becoming pleasantly surprised when he instead pulled you in for a hug. 

“You ready for lunch?” you asked glaring slightly at Wilbur as he made kissy faces over Damien’s shoulder. Luckily, Damien hadn’t noticed your moron of a best friend. 

“Yeah, I saw this sushi place on the way in if you wanted to try that?”

“I’d be down,” you agreed, reaching behind your table to grab your bag. Wilbur was set to meet with a few other Minecraft streamers, meaning you didn’t have to worry about him while you had lunch. You looked over your shoulder, making sure everything was set for you to leave before saying goodbye to Wilbur. 

Over the course of lunch, you and Damien had gotten to know each other pretty well. Once the conversation moved away from your fans and, well, work, and more into personal details, you found that you actually weren’t all that similar. For starters, Damien loved watching anime while your guilty pleasure was Gilmore Girls. The one show you both had a love for, however, was Avatar the Last Airbender, which made sense. 

Another thing was that he actually enjoyed being in front of the camera while you tolerated it on most days, really only putting on your face cam for the last thirty minutes on most days. Despite that, he still classified himself as an introvert. 

You returned back to your booth much later than you anticipated, thoroughly shocked at the line that had formed with Wilbur at the front of it, entertaining the fans that had shown up early to meet both you and Damien. 

“Y/n!” one fan called, pointing in your direction. Immediately, the entire line turned and gaped at the sight of you and Damien walking together. You greeted them happily, stopping for pictures and verbally promising that you’d stay until you got to meet everyone personally. 

“You really love your fans,” Damien observed as you put your things back down behind the table. Wilbur had set up shop on your right side, chatting with a few people at the front of the line. 

“I wouldn’t be anywhere without them,” you admitted, pulling a silver sharpie from your bag. You handed a gold one to Damien. “I also wouldn’t have gotten to meet you without them, which I’m still sorry about, by the way. Your feed must have been chaotic.”

“You have no idea,” he chuckled. “But everything happens for a reason.”

You nodded, grinning up at him. “Yes, they do.” 

Permanent

@beautiful-holland @toms-order @starlightfound @grandmascottlang @positiveparker @bippity-boppity-boopa @caswinchester2000 @andreasworlsboring101 @imladylunaticbitch​

#damien haas #damien haas imagine #damien haas x reader #damien haas x fem!reader #damien haas x you #you #reader #readerinsert #fem!reader #smosh #twitch #shayne topp #wilbur soot #minecraft #gaming #smosh games #mythical entertainment #reader-insert #twitter #y/n

[the-phoenix-heart]

Sorting Hat Chats - Animaniacs

THOSE ARE THE FACTS!

(How did you know I was working on this?)

Anyway, welcome to my new hyperfixation! So obviously I decided to sort them. Description of the system I’m using here as sometimes. 

Also, the movie Wakko’s Wish has questionable canonicity, seeing as it takes place in another universe and it could said is just a movie the Animaniacs did in universe, but seeing as this was made by the same people as an excuse to give their characters a happy ending after the cancelation of the show-I’m going to say it counts for characterization. They’re pretty much the same characters, just in a different story. 

I should also mention that as toons, they’ve modeled every secondary out there, so their secondary sorting is to find their actual sorting under all the modeling and performance. 

YAKKO WARNER was the easiest to sort. He’s a Snake primary, here for his family, maybe Dr. Scratchansniff, and that’s about it. He’s the oldest, it makes sense. I mean, in Wakko’s Wish he literally gets a promotion to parent. That scene at the beginning where he and Dot are just sitting at the train station, implied to be sleeping there to, as they wait for Wakko to get home-FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR-it’s so soft and easy to forget about with later scenes but it shows how much they love him. 

Anyway, Yakko is extremely protective and needs to be around his family. His fear in the IT parody is being alone with no one to talk to him, and his first worry after is he funny is where his siblings have been. Plus, he doesn’t really show a strong preference for the rest of the primaries. 

I know that the first thought for the Animaniacs is that he’s a Snake secondary like Bugs Bunny, but remember, they’ve had every secondary as a model/performance ever. Yakko, I believe, is a Bird secondary through and though. 

Yakko has the most songs of his siblings, and seeing as a joke in the reboot was that he kept trying to sing his educational songs and he kept getting interrupted-he clearly loves doing them. Yakko’s World, Every Word in the English Dictionary, Time, Multiplication, these are things that he clearly studied for the songs and require extreme memorization (I mean every country in the world and every world in the english language??). He also almost always has his lines memorized, and his sister’s, and probably Wakko’s. Part of his problem with Nicklewise is the fact that no one is acknowledging what he’s saying, and then he’s tongue tied. One of the first things he does when he gets back to the lot is swallow a tablet and learns everything about the past 22 years. 

When describing himself in “To be like us” he literally starts it off, “To be like me? Well buddy here’s the key/use the pen not the sword when you’re in a fight.” 

When he does just charge in like a Lion he loses. Plus, dad jokes and puns are just a Bird thing. If you have a Bird secondary you are going to have an appreciation for wordplay, trust me I’m a Bird secondary. 

DOT WARNER is an actual Snake secondary. She’s the unprepared one. She doesn’t know her lines, and she didn’t practice her song on the first ladies before she sung it, which is how she learns that you cannot give a significant amount of time to each first lady in two minutes-and she didn’t even remember them all. 

This exchange is peak Bird v. Snake:

Dot: “It’s a little ditty I’ve composed detailing the accomplishments of the women behind the men...Every single first lady of the United States of America! Please put two minutes on the clock!” Yakko: “Oh, no no no no no. Hold on. You’re going to sing about every First Lady in two minutes? Have you practiced this?” Dot, possibly sarcastic but probably telling the truth: “Well no, I have not.”

She’s also the one who always uses how cute she is to get people to do what she wants. The big scene of Wakko’s Wish is Dot pretending to die so effectively that she fooled everyone but (maybe) Yakko and Wakko, and even made the guy who “killed” her feel remorse for his actions. Also, in the intro she’s described in the original as cute and in the new one as witty-which that combination feels very Snake. 

Unlike her brother Dot is a Lion primary. It might be a new addition for the reboot, but if she wasn’t originally a Lion primary I think this is just a case of character progression. In the show she calls out people for being sexist or mansplaining, and (possibly my favorite segment) has her singing about women getting the right to vote. The great thing is that this segment addresses the fact that just because women got the right to vote didn’t mean every woman could vote, because she finds out that as a toon she can’t vote. In less than a day she brings together Looney Toons and Hanna Barbera cartoons to go to Washington and lobby congress for the right to vote. And wins. 

Yeah, Dot don’t play around. Also she calls out fear-mongering (Had to fit that in somewhere). 

WAKKO WARNER (YES I KNOW HE’S THE MIDDLE CHILD BUT HE HAS THE LONGEST SECTION) was the hardest for me to sort out. Literally of course. He didn’t feel like any of the primaries to me for a while and what I really needed to look at was Wakko’s Wish. In Wakko’s Wish he’s the one telling everyone that they have to keeping hoping for something better and never give up while his siblings seem to be more out for themselves. Wakko’s the one who interacts most with the town as a whole. He gives Plotz a drink of the elixir after Plotz just tried to murder him and his siblings. There’s also a good argument to be made that Wakko wished for the ability to give everyone in the town what they wanted. He didn’t need to wish for a second ha’ penny, but he has it and it helps the town return to prosperity, which is why I rule him as a Badger primary. 

You can also notice it in the original series with how he interacts with other people, but we don’t have enough time to talk about that since we still have to talk about his secondary. Fucking hell his secondary. Wakko’s secondary is the hardest to parse out of them all. It’s opposite problem I had with his primary, he fits all of them. 

Like I said earlier, they have models for all the secondaries because they’re toons and they have to get into a lot of situations. But there are certain secondaries they favor over others which help you to see what the real secondary there is under all the models and performances. But the problem I ran into with Wakko is he uses all of them at a ready amount!

I first considered that he was a Bird secondary because of his gag bag, or the clown episode with his extremely well thought out ideas on how to torture the poor clown (don’t feel too sorry for him he’s very annoying), and segments like Wakko’s Gizmo. In Wakko’s Gizmo he builds this very overly complicated and super badass device just so he can make a whoopie cushion go off. But that was what tipped me off, it’s a toy. Wakko’s Bird secondary is just a model he has as a toy, something to have fun with (I won’t say he got it from Yakko but he got it from Yakko). Plus, Wakko’s just to intuitive and spontaneous for an actual Bird secondary. The way he uses his gag bag is just in a way where he just understands what to get. 

The fact that that he’s very intuitive with his gag bag and impulsive also set me off that he wasn’t a Badger secondary. Of all the secondaries he uses this one the least in the original series. However, interestingly, this is the only secondary he uses in Wakko’s Wish. He works his ass off for a year to make a ha’ penny to pay for Dot’s operation, he makes the wish on the star, he plays sort of a peace maker with the town and others. It’s something he used more specifically for that movie though.

The big debate was whether he was a Snake or a Lion, but-BUT-I’m gonna be kind of controversial and say that he has a Lion secondary. Yes-he’s very situational, but his go to course of action is to hit people with his mallet. Plus, the way he uses his gag bag is he just goes for it, because he feels it. He’s always in the moment, which is how he’s able to use his gag bag. Also, there’s a difference between the way Dot and he usually do things, if they were both Snake secondaries they’d look more similar, but they don’t. And he doesn’t always have what’s needed for the situation, he needs to feel around for it. I could be talked into a Snake secondary but for now I’m pretty happy with Lion. 

So...

Yakko Warner - Snake primary/Bird secondary, has all models and performances

Dot Warner - Lion primary/Snake secondary, has all models and performances

Wakko Warner - Badger primary/Lion secondary, has all models and performances (specifically uses his Badger secondary model in Wakko’s Wish, and specifically uses his Bird secondary model as a toy)

#sorting hat chats #sortinghatchats #yes i really just sorted the animaniacs #dot warner #yakko warner #wakko warner #yakko is my favorite #animaniacs #snake bird #lion snake #badger lion #wakko and marinette stop being so damn complicated challenge

[whatudottu]

Today I’m here to combine my hyperfixations and talk about OTTO Motive for no other reason than to just talk about Cybertronians in Omniverse.

So okay, I know very well that this episode has just like... a big reference to Derrick J. Wyatt and his work on Transformers Animated, rather than an official introduction to Cybertronians but I’m here to share my thinky thoughts and not worry about canon so let’s get started.

Aside from Otto himself, which is listed as ‘Artificial Intelligence’ as his species, this combiner is made from 5 non-sentient vehicles, including Rook’s own Proto-TRUK, so I guess this post is semi-au ish? Nothing new here then, so let’s go about this in two ways.

Were they always Cybertronian, or were they made to be so.

In either case, Otto is probably a minibot. I don’t know the limitations of Cybertronian biology enough to know whether it’s possible to have a hologram for a head but let’s just say he’s a little... mangled for his time in the Null Void.

Let’s start with the former. The Proto-TRUK itself is already by default able to transform from a truck into a spaceship before being hacked to become the body of this machine. I suppose in this au thing, the Proto-TRUK is a triple changer that may or may not accidentally make the buddy cop duo of Ben and Rook into a trio much like the other installments of the series. I’m not sure whether or not they’ll actually transform into root-mode, but I mean... it’s an au I can do whatever I want to also if that is the case... well... you know what happens near the end don’t you Ben 10 fans?

In this scenario, does this mean that the Tetramands are kinda lying about their expertise in engine production? Nah, but I don’t doubt that their technical abilities, especially around automobiles, would be a good way to form a beneficial relationship between them and Cybertron. In this sense, the Khoros Car Show is more so a fashion show, or a tech demonstration, for Cybertronians wanting to strut their new, flashy gadgets. The bot with Taydenite armour is certainly lucky, to the jealousy of the others.

Now, how does this all work out? Are they all innocent Cybertronians that Otto forcefully gave the combiner program to? Are they already a gestalt that were actually contacted by Otto to join up for some schweet upgrades, and the Proto-TRUK bot just happened to be hacked in by coincidence? Or... and this can add some juicy PLOT (even if it’s not relevant to the general series outline) that makes everyone, including Proto, gestalt members.

I don’t know any specifics, a lot of things would have to have built up to this, but I would suppose that Proto has been an established character for a bit, and maybe something something emotional conflict happened to sorta let this, return to form happen naturally? Like I don’t know, maybe they’re feeling under appreciated. 

Another build up could be a ‘false betrayal’ kind of thing, as in Proto ‘betrays’ the crew by helping their gestalt get away with free, and most definitely dangerous tech. I mean sure they get beat up pretty bad because Ben has the uncanny talent to always break people’s vehicles (now in this case Proto’s own armour), but it could be reasoned that this was a way to prevent them from taking off themselves and maybe just harming other members of the gestalt.

The reward here for the crew is just picking their favourite weapon, armour or special tech set, and poor Taydenite car get’s their bling taken from them.

So perhaps in the latter case, if Otto had made these non-sentient machines into Cybertronians, it’s a little more... icky?

Given that this is Derrick J. Wyatt and, as stated earlier here, he was the art director for TFA, I’m sticking with the rules established there and, oh boy, what do you know, they can make Cybertronians from human tech. Now why not other alien tech too.

Now, those of you in the know, you’re probably asking how Otto got access to the allspark, the key or any sort of powersource linked to the Allspark or, as Black Arachnia put it; ‘something just as powerful’. Well, here in Omniverse, there are quite the selection of high-power energy sources that are most certainly illegal.

Otto may not be able to get it himself, being a rather immobile minibot he is, but of course, he himself has an organisation made for this schtick, The Violet Offenders. No doubt if they can’t buy their way to a powersource, they by all means can steal it for themselves.

There might be a few little technical issues here in which these powersources might not actually have the same abilities that the Allspark has (like actually giving the gift of life), but maybe the power itself can have mana or be magic based that Otto sorta manipulates to get the results that he wants.

Now here, the Khoros Car Show is also a tech demonstration, but not for the general automobile extraordinaires visiting. Many things were preplanned in advance, like tips and leaks about what cars were going to be displayed, but the encounter with Ben and crew (with a deliciously durable truck/spaceship too) was a happy little accident that Otto was all too happy to exploit.

I would say that Otto only gives the vehicles the power/coding when they’re all gathered outside (mainly to get that Proto-TRUK too), a lot of pretested lines were made to override the initial realisation that they’re now alive and skipped straight into the combiner form. See what I mean by icky? Under the command of Otto, newly formed gestalt leader and the only spark aware of what they’re doing, they began their first klicks of life fighting.

After everything’s settled and the adrenaline of everything is all over and done, the new Cybertronians, including Proto, all transform into their new root-form and are very confused as to what is going on. They still get a reward from capturing Otto, but also some gratitude from the bots (despite the beating they took) and maybe something something new rights for being alive and sentient again.

Sure Khoros just lost their runway cars, but there’s no way they ain’t gonna respect these Cybertronians after being essentially kidnapped (just a few minutes after being stolen) and maybe getting them in contact with Cybertron? I don’t know, but the Taydenite bot would offer their armour as partially a reward and partially because wearing money on your body is just asking for trouble and really, that’s the last thing they’d need.

Oh woops now Proto is a character now. Kinda like how Mixmaster and Scrapper immediately know a whole lot about construction and have a defined personality, I’m assuming the vague memories of being with Ben and Rook would convince them to stay with the crew and hopefully form new memories with the crime fighting duo.

Okay that was a long one, but from rewatching both series, I really got inspired by this episode specifically to talk about this. After writing both aus, I’m not sure which I like best, and each has their own interesting little thing I’m a big fan of not to toot my own horn or anything.

#cybertronian #ben 10 #transformers #tfa #maccadam #headcanon #hypothetical #ramblings #otto #OTTO Motive episode #i'll be honest with you #i couldn't physically watch omniverse #i think it was ben's character that made most of it really painful #but otto motives was one of my favourite episodes #still remember it despite not having watched in a while #no hate to omniverse fans

[pluviophile-bookworm]

I feel like I need to talk about this...

I’m very open about being aroace. At least here on Tumblr I am. (Outside of Tumblr, I am technically out, but some issues with my mother and grandmother have forced me back into the closet. I felt miserable about that initially, but I’m learning to be fine with it.) But it wasn’t always this way. In fact, I didn’t even know what aroace meant until I was 18. So how was I supposed to know when I got my first ‘celebrity crush’ that those last words do not, in fact, describe very accurately what I was experiencing? I didn’t know I had ADHD, either. I feel like that might have helped me realise some things about my experience. But let me go back a bit and actually tell you what happened and how it happened. [side note: I’ll be starting from a bit earlier than the ‘crush’ thing happened because I feel like it’s important for whoever reads this to understand how my circumstances shaped the experience I had]

Backstory:

I had always been different from my peers, so it was not surprising to anyone that I was bullied in middle school. [side note: Judging from my and my little brother’s combined experience, I feel like bullying is, quite unfortunately, something of a universal experience in middle school - in my day, I was on the receiving end. This last school year, my brother was the bully. Gosh, I wish I could tell my story without many deviations and without crying as I type, but I’ve already thrown both of those intentions out the window.]

So anyway, things got so bad that I was driven to suicidal thoughts. One night I was just lying in bed, thinking about going through with it, but I was like, well, I’ve got a test in the morning. Maybe after that. 13-year-old me had very weird priorities. I kind of still value my work over my mental health, but I’m working on it. So that night, I didn’t do anything. The next day, right before school, I was on the internet and I found out a new show had premiered. And then, as I was watching the pilot episode, that was when it happened. I saw this boy, whom I will not be naming, and I listened to him sing. I felt nothing much at the moment, but I couldn’t get the song out of my mind all day. Up until that moment, I had had a weird attitude towards music where I’d only listen to female singers. My ‘boys have cooties’ phase, I guess you could say. But this one, he was the first one I didn’t mind at all. In fact, I felt like I could listen to his voice 24/7. I’ve had that feeling hundreds of times by now, but I hadn’t before then. So I figured, this must be what a crush means, right? This must be what all my peers are talking about. The next day, I confided in a girl from my class with whom I was kind of friendly (though not actual friends, I’d say). I asked her if she’d seen the show, if she knew this person. She said yes and we kind of gushed about the song together, and I felt normal for a couple of minutes. I never knew the difference between my experience and what is considered ‘normal’ until years later.

For the time being, the thought of this special person was what was keeping me alive. I started having visions of him walking with me through the school hallways or sitting next to me on the bus home from school. I knew perfectly well those visions weren’t real, but they made me feel better. Happy. Safe. Seen. Full disclosure: I still have such visions, I’ve had them with different people through the years as my hyperfixations change. My latest one is what has enabled me to deal with some of my worst phobias (and I have a long list of them). I’ve never told anybody what it is, and I won’t be telling because I feel like if I do tell, the vision will not be strong enough to work against my fears. But I’m getting sidetracked again. Sorry for that.

So, I was pretty much obsessed with this guy. He was all I could think about, he was keeping me alive through what was possibly the toughest time in my life to date. So naturally, thanks to my heteronormative, amatonormative surroundings, I was convinced I had a crush on him. In fact, after this experience had lasted about a year, I was sure I was in love. 

Then things changed. I started high school. I found a couple of friends, and the people in my class in general made me feel like I could finally be myself. Be open about what I thought and how I felt. So by the end of the first semester, all 27 people in my class knew about my feelings for this guy. What I didn’t know was that they didn’t know that it wasn’t exactly like I was describing it. Because I wasn’t aware that a straight/ allo person’s idea of being ‘in love’ was different from mine. I was just putting things in words I thought I understood. 

So it came as a total surprise when some people from my class started teasing me about it. It wasn’t malicious teasing, that much I could tell. I had been bullied mercilessly before. What my new classmates were doing was asking genuine questions in a slightly teasing manner. For example, it would be known that my special person had a girlfriend, and so they’d ask me ‘aren’t you jealous’ or ‘do you wish you were that’, or stuff like that. And those questions felt so weird. So stupid. I thought, wait, why would I be jealous? Why would I feel bad about this person who has made me so happy, being happy himself? Why would I want to date him? That had nothing to do with how I felt. I told my classmates so. They gave me weird looks in response. So I started feeling like there was something wrong with me. Like I wasn’t doing that ‘in love’ thing right. Suddenly, I felt like my feelings were being intruded upon. Tarnished, somehow. I had always been aware that my visions were anything but real. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. And all of a sudden, somebody was suggesting that I should want to date this person. Why would I want to date anyone, I thought? Even if it was him. Dating people was awkward. Making physical contact with anyone outside my immediate family made me shudder. It still does, though I can hug some of my closest friends without any negative feelings. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Back to my first time I questioned my experience. I was about 14 at the time (in Bulgaria, high school starts from grade 8, ages 13-14 or 14-15), and, well, I didn’t do much questioning at the time. I just told myself that they didn’t understand my feelings, and I stopped being so open about the topic. 

My hyperfixation on this person lasted long. Longer than any other I’ve ever had to date. Maybe it was because I clung to it like it was what tethered me to my mortal life. But by my final year of high school, I could feel it fading away. I was forcing myself to think about this person, to conjure up the old visions; the song that had started it all was drained of all meaning that it had held for me. I was moving on to other hyperfixations. I felt like I was betraying myself, like I was breaking some sort of unbreakable vow. It was time to face the music. So I let go. I allowed myself to move on. It was kind of made easier by the fact that my special person had changed, too, and had moved on to projects that I could not enjoy due to some triggering content. And I moved on.

Then I joined Tumblr. I discovered some things. Among them was Hellenic polytheism. It had been a while since I’d found my faith in the Hellenic pantheon, but Tumblr was where I found out I was not alone, that there was an existent religion. And step by step, I realised that... I had been projecting Apollo’s presence onto my special person. And my old connection to that person had started fading away when I had realised I believed in the gods.

This explained a lot of things. But there was still the fact that I had never been able to look at another person the way my peers were looking at each other. I had been asked out two or three times during high school. I had rejected those people without even thinking about it. My best friend at the time was a boy and most teachers seemed to ship us together because, well, let’s be real - we were constantly fighting like an old married couple. It took him getting a girlfriend and seeing how happy I was for the two of them for everyone to realise that things between us were, and had always been, purely platonic. And now I was going to uni and I had never had feelings I was apparently supposed to have. 

It was also thanks to Tumblr that I discovered the extent of the LGBTQ+ community. I considered myself an ally at first, and I was a passionate ally, too. I still am nothing but supportive to my fellow LGBTQ+ people of all identities, but it was not until I was 18 going on 19 that I discovered the term ‘asexual’. I knew quite suddenly that this was the term for me. I knew what I was and how I felt. I felt mature enough to know the difference between ‘I’m not experienced enough to know for sure’ and ‘I’ve just never had those feelings, I don’t even know what they’re supposed to be like’. It took a bit longer to find out there was a difference between sexual and romantic attraction, but by the time I was 19, I had proudly labelled myself ‘aroace’. I still feel at home with this label. I am completely open to the possibility that it might change with time, but this is what feels right at this time. 

Fast-forward another couple of years to about 8 months ago. I had always known that I got really invested into stuff - shows, books, hobbies, people - only for that investment to wear off after a time. The timespans varied, but I realised I had experienced this ever since I was in pre-school at least. I didn’t have a term for it, though. And then, all of a sudden, Tumblr started offering me posts tagged ADHD. I could relate to maybe 95% of them. At one point, it felt like whatever algorithm this hellsite operates on was shoving the ADHD posts in my face, as if screaming ‘DOES THIS REMIND YOU OF, WELL, YOU?!!!’ in my ears. So I did some tests. I did a lot of self-reflection. I went to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed in March. I started educating myself on the terminology and found out that what I was experiencing is called hyperfixating. So here I am now.

Here I am now, reflecting back on my experience from 8 years ago, connecting the dots. Realising what it was that I went through, allowing myself to go through it again, with different things and people. I don’t feel the need to cling to hyperfixations anymore because I know that is what they are and I know I can’t keep them forever. Of course, I do feel bad about stopping caring about something that used to be my light and life for a time. I dread the time I’ll get over my current hyperfixation, but I also know it’s inevitable. My ADHD brain needs the change and it happens naturally. And somehow I’m ok with that.

Well, this is it. This is the story of how Tumblr prompted me to discover aspects of myself that have been there for as long as I can remember. What better place to talk about it than Tumblr itself? What better group of people to understand and accept me than my lovely mutuals and followers? If you’re reading this, thank you. For being here, for listening to me, for allowing me to be who I am. You’ve got no idea how happy this makes me, even though I can barely see what I’m typing through the tears. Thank you. 

#personal #jnk #asexual #aromantic #aro #ace #aroace #adhd #hellenic polytheism #tw: suicide #tw: bullying

[potatopossums]

Idk man, sometimes I like the aromantic fb groups I follow, and other times I kind of hate the comments.

Uh yeah it's a long one. Affectionate aro-spec rant inbound.

Today, I was reading a thread about "allos developing feelings after sex" and how that was "such an alloromantic experience."

It felt fucking alienating.

Maybe I read "feelings" to mean something different than "instantly wants to marry/date this person." That is not my definition of "developing feelings." But the wording is so vague, and I don't have much of a vocabulary outside of these experiences. I mean, I still use decidedly alloromantic terminology sometimes, because I grew up with it for so long, and I find it difficult to use other terms, even if they're technically the correct definition for what I'm experiencing.

But my main gripe was really with this demonization of "feelings." Feelings of intimacy? Feelings of tenderness? Wanting to continue? Sure, it depends on the people involved; each relationship has its own rules and boundaries and goals. Aromantic people can easily do romantic-coded things and enjoy them. They can also just as easily avoid those things. That's up to personal choice, and I'm not knocking that.

But it bothered me how unanimous it was in that comments section that a casual sex partner expressing a desire to "do more than sex only" might be off-putting. Sure, I think the intention was that a sex partner suddenly wants to date you, and yeah, I would say no to that advance, too, were I in a similar position. But if a friendship/FWB/QPR formed organically from a casual sex situation? Sure.

And on the flipside, it also bothers me that sex can't possibly be seen as an emotionally bonding experience. Again, romance entirely aside, I would consider, especially as a largely demisexual person, that sex with someone I was actually physically attracted to would also involve emotions. It would enrich my relationship with that person. That doesn't make it romantic for me. My tendencies are just very close knit. I enjoy deep relationships and tend to despise surface level ones. This has more to do with my learned history of passivity, and less to do with romantic feelings. I don't feel romantic. I feel close. I desire closeness. That closeness can manifest in a lot of different ways. Romance, in my experience, likes to wear the costume of intimacy and parrot the lines, but it doesn't signify intimacy. Closeness comes from self and mutual honesty. And from some shit just lining up well.

Feelings (as in emotions) are part of the human experience. They're temporary, and that's the important bit (and that was the only bit on that thread that I actually agreed with; alloromantic people do tend to view feeling as fact in a romantic sense, but everyone is prone to misreading general feelings as fact—for example, a common trap is "I'm afraid, therefore I must be in danger." Feelings, thus, are not necessarily factual.) But emotions are also reactions to something. Experiencing emotions is a normal thing. Having sex with someone casually for an extended period of time will likely let you get to know that person a bit. Amatonormative conditioning can easily kick in, regardless of orientation. And amatonormativity promises something—something substantial.

Happiness.

Clearly, this promise doesn't hold up. Romance is bullshit, unhealthy, an obsession with being unrequited, and an overinflated lens of glorifying pain for the purpose of promised reward (which never comes). We all know that.

And yet, it still reels some of us in. Conditioning at its finest, eh? Remind me to stop watching movies with any shred of romance in them.

But here's the thing. I'm aro-spec and I have fucking ADHD. Those two experiences, for me, have been the absolute worst combination.

I'm only beginning to come to grips with my ADHD and how it affects my perception of the world and my orientation(s) within it. One of the things I've noticed about myself is that I chase highs. Those highs simulate the deficiency in dopamine and reward signals inside my brain. I kind of don't function normally when I don't have those reward chemicals. I don't feel senses of accomplishment often, even when I've done lots of things. This is a really common experience with ADHD, hence why depression and anxiety can sometimes be considered side-effects of ADHD. Of course feeling like you've done nothing would make you anxious and depressed.

But especially in terms of social relationships, these sorts of reward chemicals can factor in to great amounts. I mean, I'd like to say that romance writing & fantasizing has been one of my most persistent hyperfixations in life. It's a concept teeming with overwhelming emotions, which tend to set off chemical responses in the brain that can induce dopamine, or dopamine-like effects. Thus, drama feels good. And for someone who never feels good... well, drama can become a drug. It can become seemingly the only thing that helps one feel good—about themselves, about their life, their accomplishments, their abilities—especially for undiagnosed adults.

It's a really tumultuous reality. And the back and forth is absolutely chaotic. Hyperfixations don't go on constantly. But they can start at any time. They can be triggered so easily. And amatonormative and positive conditioning doesn't help. Again, it's a happy drug for your brain. Evolution probably intended that. And now it's gone very awry in me.

Here's my thing though: me wanting intimacy, me wanting closeness—that does not equate to romance. Me experiencing feelings and desiring those feelings also doesn't equate to romance. My brain has a chemistry issue. It likes these chemicals, like, way too much as it is. Amatonormativity already conditioned me to chase these highs, and those highs have an even stronger and more dangerous effect on me and my perception of reality, especially as someone who is statistically more predisposed addictive behaviors.

So imagine trying to sus out that you're actually aromantic underneath all that. But you also are really touch starved. Oh, and you're a lesbian. Not even a little bit bisexual. Totally very gay. And you have sensory issues. And you have those handy-dandy side effects of anxiety and depression hanging around.

There's a lot to parse through every time I have an emotion at all.

So genuinely: yes. I agree that it sucks when someone you only wanna have casual sex with suddenly wants to have a romantic relationship with you.

But also: I'm aro, and I'm also not over here having sex with random strangers. I'm over here having sex with good friends. I'm over here being polyaffectionate. I'm over here chasing the highs of pretty people, sensual intimacy, and awesome orgasms.

And none of that shit rings alloromantic to me.

#aromantic #enby lesbian #lesbian #gay #lgbtq #queer #agender #gynephile #non binary #rant #alterous attraction #idk yall #queer continually feels like the best catch all

[mellowheartthecat]

TF2 Mercs as Pokemon Villans

Idea: the mercs but as pokemon villians. Yeah I’m just combining both of my hyperfixations. Obviously not all of them will be a perfect fit but i did my best.

More under the cut.

Heavy as Giovanni from Red and Blue -This man is rather smart and obviously pretty deadly, so it wouldn’t be hard for him to get to the top of a mafia. I feel like in this au he’d only be in it to support his family. -Wears Giovanni’s outfit from LGPE Engie as Maxie from Ruby and Sapphire -Besides the whole hating water thing this is a pretty good fit. They’re both nerds and make machines. -His goggles would have the mega stone thing embedded in the right side of them. His overalls would have Team Magma M on the front side of the straps. His belt would be yellow, and on his arms he’d have those turtleneck sleeves that go down to his wrists. He’d still have the gunslinger as his right hand, covered by a red glove. Soldier as Archie from Ruby and Sapphire -Himbos. -“More water.” “But why?” “MORE WATER, MAGGOTS!” -He’d keep his helmet, have Archie’s anchor necklace, and his battle clothes would be blue and waterproof. Sniper as Cyrus from Pokemon Diamond and Pearl -I believe that Sniper didn’t have many friends (if any) growing up and it’s already cannon that Cyrus didn’t have any friends growing up. The only thing similar to a friend he had was a rotom, and once that one left, he came to the conclusion that emotions are bad and he became the bad guy. The only real problem is that Sniper isn’t a nerd, so he’d probably be one in this au. He’d still be an outdoorsman, but he’d have some cool machines too. -Would keep his hat and glasses. His vest would be swapped out with Cyrus’. His battle uniform would be white with the sleeves being black. Pants are also black. Everything I didn’t mention would stay the same. Spy as Ghetsis from Black and White -Imo I kinda feel bad for putting him as that psychotic bush hair motherfucker, but he was the only one that could possibly fill this role. Obviously in this au he wouldn’t be as psychotic as the actual Ghetsis but he still wants to conquer the Unova region. -He’d keep his ski mask and suit, but would also have Ghetsis’ circus tent pattern as a cloak that he drapes over his right shoulder. -For his B2W2 design he’d change out the cloak for a black one. Medic as Colress from Black 2 and White 2 -This honestly was the easiest one. I mean seriously, go over to bulbapedia and search up this guy’s lines. He pretty much acts exactly like Medic. In this au medic would be more interested in operating on pokemon than humans. -He’d keep his gloves, coat, and boots. His hair would stay the same except for the addition of Colress’ signature internet explorer swirl. He’d have Colress’ clothes underneath the coat (you know, the black with the blue lines). Pyro as Lysandre from X and Y -Put down your pitchforks, let me explain. Lysandre thought he was helping the earth and pokemon by attempting to commit a genocide. Who else also thinks they’re helping? Pyro. So yeah. -The parts that’d normally be red on his normal uniform would be black, and the normally black parts would be orange, with the exception of his gloves, which would stay black. The yellow on his gloves would be orange Scout as Guzma from Sun and Moon -Honestly this is a really good fit. If you really think that Scout wouldn’t be the guy that beats you down and beats you down and never lets up, then you don’t really know scout very well. -He’d have Guzma’s jacket and a white shirt underneath, as well as a belt and scout’s usual pants Demo as Faba from Pokemon Sun and Moon.

-I was runnin out of options at this point and there was no way that he could be Lusamine, and I don’t acknowledge SS’s existence. So Faba it was. I mean, he’s got plenty of knowledge about bombs, so him being a nerd isn’t too much of a stretch. He definitely wouldn’t have Faba’s ego, so he’d be more liked around the Aether foundation.

-Would have Faba’s, um, ‘glasses’, but they would be black instead of lime green. Would have Faba’s lab coat, but it wouldn’t have a collar. On top of that would be Demo’s bulky vest. He’d also have Faba’s gauntlets, but they’d be black instead of lime green. No gloves, white pants, and his usual boots.

More info in tags

#If you want to use these go ahead just make sure to credit me #They’d keep the villain’s pokemon #I hate tumblr’s character limit #tf2 #pokemon #tf2 au

[wiltedeyesandtwistedlies]

What are the inattentive symptoms of ADHD?

Before I answer, it’s important to acknowledge that not everyone experiences ADHD the same way. I came up with this list through hours of extensive research, but I still explained each one based on how I experience them personally, because I wanted it to be an honest and accurate resource.

Now, I experience every inattentive symptom of ADHD severely. As well as most hyperactive type symptoms, but not nearly as severely. Hence why my explanations are on the severe side. So if you don’t experience every one of these, or you don’t experience them exactly like this, that doesn’t mean you don’t have ADHD.

Most Commonly Known Symptoms:

Inattentive ADHD is pretty much the same thing as hyperactive ADHD but with less hyperactive tendencies. So technically these symptoms apply to both, but ADHD has a few more that won’t be listed here.

• Inability to focus on disinteresting or unengaging tasks even if you need or even want to – As if your brain physically won’t let you. Because that’s exactly what’s happening. There is no, “Just do it because you have to.”

For real. Imagine a video came where you’ve reached the end of the map and there’s that invisible barrier to keep you from going any farther. But all the other players are passing it just fine. They look at you like you’re crazy and can’t believe that you can’t get through. But it’s literally IMPOSSIBLE.

Now apply that to easy individual movements or tasks like plugging in your charger right next to you or washing a few bowls.

• Focusing WAY too much on this single thing whether you like it or not. It’s called “hyperfixating” and it’s both the most exhilarating experience in the world and the most soul crushing. You can watch/do nothing else, consume nothing else, think of nothing else. It’s exciting and invigorating. But as soon as there is no more material/info about it to devour, existence is gray and meaningless. The adrenaline rush and laser focus are like nothing else, but the crash is just as intense.

• Inability to divert attention to something different when you're already focused on something else. (More of a product of the two above, really)

• Inability to organize or maintain a neat system. It’s not that we don’t have a system (because we do, and if it’s altered in the most miniscule way we will know and we will be furious) but that our systems tend to be more about ease of access. It looks messy, but everything is just easily reachable instead of tucked away in drawers or hidden in organizer bins.

“Out of sight, out of mind.” As soon as we can’t see it, or we get used to it and it becomes a background visual (like background noise but for your eyes), it no longer exists. Until we see it again we have never seen it before either.

• Emotions are forceful and kinda scary. Lacking the ability to regulate emotions means violently strong feelings. They can sweep you away and leave you stranded in an uncomfortable predicament. Major highs and lows as well as strong grudges and emotionally based actions.

• Distractability: There’s this stereotype that all people with ADHD are hyper airheads who cut off mid sentence to shout random shit like “SQUIRREL!” whenever they see something remotely interesting. They’re super excited about it and HAVE to let everyone know, no matter what they were doing before. It’s kind of the “cutesie” version that the media portrays a lot. Most ADHDers don’t actually fit this stereotype.

However, stereotypes are often based on true characteristics, even if they have been twisted into a sick joke or a cruel portrayal.

NOTE: There is nothing wrong with this form of ADHD. It just sucks that if you don’t match this stereotype, no one really believes you have ADHD. Also that so many people use it to insult and bully people with ADHD, even if that isn’t how they display their symptoms.

Lesser Known Symptoms:

Basically if these are #relateable, you probably have ADHD.

• Unable to conceptualize time in any way. Will this take two minutes? Three hours? No one knows! You thought this would take a half hour at most and it’s taken three! How?? This was a five-minute task and you’ve just realized you zoned out. It felt like two seconds but it was two hours!

• There is only Now and Not Now. Again, it’s a time thing. The future always seems so far away that it's almost like it doesn't exist. "Time is a construct" is something I often say because I have no sense of time passing, having past, or will pass. People describe me as "living in the present.” But that’s only because I forget that there is a future or that time is moving. I just don't think about it at all and when I try to it's impossible to understand and it feels made up.

• Sensitive to any form of rejection, actual or perceived. A friend texts you back, but they don’t sound nearly as enthusiastic as usual. You immediately tear your message apart to try to find what upset them and how you can make it up to them. Because surely that’s what that nontypical period means? You want to curl up in a hole and never come out, never face the horrible thing you’ve done to a treasured friend. Intense fear and sorrow mingle into all consuming guilt. The kind that makes you wish you’d never met them, just so they wouldn’t have to be hurt by you now. All because they added a period.

Everyone with some form of an anxiety disorder will recognize this. But it’s also a very common ADHD experience. This is in part because anxiety is SUPER likely to be comorbid with ADHD. But we also have Rejection Sensative Dysphoria. Which basically means we’re ridiculously sensitive to the slightest possibility of the barest chance that we maybe might receive a sliver of perceived ambiguous rejection. To the point where we cut off good relationships for seemingly no reason because we’re too afraid to even speak to them again, much less explain our emotions that we know are irrational but can’t help. The guilt and regret are too agonizing, the fear to face them too much.

• Reading is AWFUL. We’ve already established that attention is not your friend. Unfortunately, that makes it difficult to read blocks of boring text. The information could be good, it could be fun even. But if the format is too uniform and plain, it’s impossible to get past the first few sentences. You just keep rereading the same line over and over, realizing every time that you zoned out halfway across. It’s infuriating and very sad. It also makes studying an absolute nightmare.

Many people actually don’t have this experience. They hyperfocus on their reading or their schoolwork so it isn’t a problem. I was the same way until college and now I can’t even read a little recipe card without zoning out. But it’s a very common experience nevertheless so I listed it anyway.

• Ringing ears, hearing electricity. This is one I just heard about. I haven’t been able to actually research this one, but it’s interesting and every ADHDer I know has confirmed it so I’m adding it. ‘Cause I’ve had constant ringing since I was old enough to talk. And I’ve always been able to hear power lines, household appliances, wires inside the walls, all those varying vibrating hums and crackling pops. It’s one of the weird quirks that “run in the family.” Just like Tinnitus and all ADHD symptoms. Apparently, MANY people with ADHD have similar experiences.

• Negative stimming. Things that negatively stimulate your senses. After encountering a certain stim, you feel it physically. It causes a sensation that hurts, in a way. It shouldn’t, logically. But your body’s reaction is to pain. This includes foods you can’t eat because the texture is wrong. Clothing you can’t wear because you can easily breath but no you really can’t because the collar sits wrong against your throat. Sounds that make your spine stiffen or skin crawl. Bright lights or colors that don’t affect anyone else but make your head ache.

Stims and sensitivity can affect any and all senses. A certain smell, agitating fabrics, an unbelievably smooth stone, specific tastes and food textures, certain color combinations, particular sounds/pitches/volumes, et cetera.

• Positive stimming. The other side of the sensory coin. Things that are exceptionally pleasant to your senses/stimulate you positively. For example, the way light shines through a transparent bright blue gem. Watching the light catch and twist so fluidly when you move it takes your breath away. There’s a euphoric feeling to it, and you can’t look away. It’s too pleasing. It’s like a deep satisfaction you can physically feel throughout your whole body, emanating from deep within your chest. You never want to stop that feeling.

Personally, it feels like my chest is somehow much deeper than it actually is. And at the farthest, deepest part is where that satisfaction settles. Nothing else can ever reach that hidden, impossibly deep cavity. It’s so amazing, I never want it to stop. It can feel like that endless pit is starved, and the stim is the first sustenance it’s ever had so it never what’s to let it go.

• Forgetting supposedly unforgettable things. Like where the fuck I parked my car. Also what my car looks like. It’s blue right? It has a hatch. I accidently memorized the license plate (complicated story) but I can’t tell you what model it is?? Is it even in this parking lot? I’ve never parked anywhere else but my memory is obviously garbage so now I need to check every parking lot just in case.

End Note:

It’s important to know that ADHD has many symptoms that overlap with other nuerodivergencies such as autism or ASD. Executive dysfunction can be caused by a number of mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety. Emotional regulation problems can look just like Bipolar disorder and vice versus.

My point is, every symptom could actually be something else. It’s really easy to be misdiagnosed because they all have such similar symptoms. I know someone who thought they had ADHD for years, but it was actually a mix of severe depression and anxiety that fucked with their working memory (as both depression and anxiety do). Someone else I know was diagnosed with manic depression and thought they might be bipolar, but it was undiagnosed ADD the whole time.

#cassidy talks once in a while #info about everything adhd #add #add symptoms #adhd symptoms #add info #adhd info #add information #adhd information

[letterstothemidnightsociety]

CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON IS JUST THE WHOLE MOOD FOR 2020, CAN WE ALL AGREE ON THAT?

Oh boy, guys, it’s here. The end. The very end. Tonight, Supernatural says goodbye for real this time. Maybe. Who really ever knows. But I’m not great at goodbyes, so instead let’s go back to the very beginning. It’s Supernatural!

So I’m here, at the season finale of Season 1. Very conveniently on the same day that the show is on the series finale of Season 15. It’s like I planned it, you guys! I did not plan this. 

Also, let’s take a minute to appreciate the irony of using Carry On My Wayward Son in every season finale when the Winchesters will never be done, they’ll never have peace, they will never lay their weary heads to rest. Don’t mind me, I’m just laughing til I cry. 

I genuinely think of the the last two episodes of Season 1 - “Salvation” and “Devil’s Trap” - as if they’re one episode. This is because a) I think they are designed to be a two-parter and b) they’re the only two episodes on the last disc of my box set BUT I think it’s important to note that these two episodes did not air on the same night. There was a week between them and that is...rough for an audience watching in real time. But when I watched it the first time, I was watching this exact dvd disc and of course I plowed right on through the cliffhanger in “Salvation” until the literal car crash that ends “Devil’s Trap”.

This disc! Right here! That has the real soundtrack on it, UNLIKE SOME STREAMING SERVICES!

Let’s look at a couple things: 

Way back in 2006 when these episodes aired, Supernatural’s success was average at best? Even though it’s the 5th most watched show on the WB, it’s averaged a little more than 3 million American viewers per episode, which at the time, wasn’t great. In contrast, the #1 show of the 2005/2006 TV year was American Idol season 1 - an average of 12.7 million viewers per episode. So it’s not exactly a winner of a show, but it’s not too far behind the WB’s #1 show, Smallville, which averaged around 4 million viewers per episode. Still, Supernatural’s fate was uncertain. “Devil’s Trap” aired on May 4, 2006, but the show didn’t get renewed for season 2 until May 18. That’s two weeks of cliffhanger limbo, and lemme tell you, that would have been a real slap in the tits if the show had been cancelled. 

Even further back, though, in January of 2006, it was announced that the WB and UPN would be renouncing their independence and merging under CBS and Time Warner company into what we know today as The CW. It was a network that was frankensteined together from the only working pieces of both networks and honestly I think that was a big reason Supernatural did get renewed. The CW was in need of some kind of programming to kick off the 2006 Fall Season and they greenlit new seasons for 13 of WB’s and UPN’s established programs. For a real blast from the past, here is their list of inaugural shows - 

7th Heaven (WB)

Beauty and the Geek (WB) 

Gilmore Girls (WB) 

One Tree Hill (WB)

Reba (WB)

Smallville (WB)

Supernatural (WB)

America's Next Top Model (UPN)

Veronica Mars (UPN)

Everybody Hates Chris (UPN

Girlfriends (UPN)

All of Us (UPN)

WWE SmackDown! (UPN)

I think my favorite part of this list is that both Gilmore Girls AND Smallville were still on the air, arguably the origin stories for Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles respectively. 

However, there’s evidence that Supernatural was in less danger of cancellation than you might think. In March, around about “Hellhouse” time, Supernatural gets moved from a Tuesday air date to a Thursday air date. If you follow American network TV at all, then you’ll know that Thursday is THE day. Historically, Networks believed this was the best day for programming. Advertisers paid extra for the combination of influencing your weekend plans and also influencing you before the weekend since you’re less likely to be watching TV and more likely to be spending money. Friends aired on Thursdays. Grey’s Anatomy is a Thursday show. Putting Supernatural on Thursday would indicate that the WB had some faith in it, although it’s possible they were simply removing something else that wasn’t working in that 9pm time slot. 

Ratings aside, once we get to the finale Supernatural has a good thing going, and it seems critics agreed. I think the back half of season 1 is where the show really starts to shine and take on the semblance of what it will become. This is where you see it shift from Monster-of-the-Week, anthology-style, to episodes that focused more on character - what I like to call the Feelings Episodes. That’s not to say there won’t be a ton more Monster-of-the-Week episodes, just that those are the B-story line, less important than the Winchesters-Working-Through-Trauma A-story lines. There’s also a greater emphasis on the overarching mythos and story arc of the season in the back half. This is ultimately what carries Supernatural into season 2 and beyond. Everyone from critics to series creator Kripke agreed that the episodes that focused more on the relationships and the internal struggles of the Winchesters was what really captured audiences. 

And all that gooey feelings stuff really comes to a head in the one-two punch that is “Salvation” and “Devil’s Trap”. 

UGH. FEELINGS.

The day of reckoning is finally here - the Winchesters finally know who they’re after, where to go, and how to kill it. Thanks to Sam’s Oh yeah! He’s got ESP!, they know exactly who’s gonna get hit next. The search is finally over, the battle’s about to begin. But it’s not just the Quest that’s winding down, it’s a bunch of character arcs that are coming to light as well. In fact, the Quest really does get pushed aside in favor of big character moves.

John Winchester, hyperfixated on revenge for the past 20 years, is finally close to resolving his grief and guilt over Mary’s death and the way he raised his kids. He tells his sons “whatever it takes” and we know he means it. This plays out in his decision to split up the team, in his willingness to sacrifice his own life so his boys have the opportunity to kill the demon they’ve been hunting all season. 

Who’s fault was THAT, you piece of shit.

Sam Winchester’s own feelings of guilt and grief are also on the cusp of absolution. We see just how similar Sam and John really are, specifically in their reactions to fridged girlfriends lost loves. For the first time this season, Sam follows John’s orders without question or complaint. He doesn’t hesitate to risk his own life to kill the demon, willing to literally walk into fire for a second shot at it. Sam’s here to do whatever it takes, and it’s only because of Dean that he doesn’t. 

Dean, on the other hand, is finally struggling with following John’s orders. I love the scene where John yells specifically at Dean when he finds out about Sam’s visions (watch John’s eyeline, he is NOT looking at Sam on that line) 

Exhibit A, because this show has turned me into a 19YO Stan again and I hate it.

and Dean yells back, pointing out that they were in much more dire straights than death omens and John never picked up the phone, not once, not even when Dean was dying. 

It’s TRUE and he SHOULD SAY IT! And seriously, John, even MEG knows you don’t answer voicemails, that’s why she calls Sam.

More importantly, Dean is not willing to do whatever it takes if whatever it takes means losing what he already has. Dean, who was so gung ho about finding mom’s killer in the beginning of the season, understands better than ever what he stands to lose if he lets his family continue on this path. It’s a real reversal of his attitude from the beginning of the show, but the about-face has happened so gradually over the last 22 episodes that it doesn’t feel out of left field. 

Because that’s what you get when you put Sam and Dean together on a cross-country road trip for nine months! The two grow and change just by proximity and the sheer number of hours they spend in the car together. Over the course of 22 episodes, Dean reminds Sam why they do what they do - saving lives - and Sam reminds Dean what and who they do it for - family, safe and sound and living their best life now. John’s got his own thing going on, so who even cares what his motivations are, I don’t, hurry up and get out of here, John, nobody likes you. 

That being said, “Devil’s Trap” starts with a pretty ruthless Dean performing an exorcism on Meg. He’s not dicking around this episode, and based on the fight he has with Sam in “Salvation”, it makes sense. Dean won’t do whatever it takes just for vengeance, but he will do whatever it takes to save someone, especially if those lives are his brother and his father. You could even extend that motivation into his decision to exorcise the demon and essentially kill Meg Masters - she may be dying, but she’s been saved from being a human meat puppet and unwilling participant to any number of evil things. 

In other news, Bobby Singer is a National Treasure and the Best Part of this Episode and Maybe All Episodes. He doesn’t have a lot going on in this episode, he’s just amazing and I love him forever. 

I had to pull a still from the episode because lookit this glorious mullet that he loses immediately, thank GOODNESS!

After getting a reality check from Dean in “Salvation,” Sam’s still struggling to figure out where he is on this spectrum, and you get to watch him make that decision in real time. He has the choice to be like John, to do whatever it takes to kill the demon, even though that means killing his own father. And he does not hesitate to aim when John tells him to shoot to kill, and that says a LOT. 

But it’s Dean who convinces Sam not to lose himself in this fight, even when he’s so close to winning it. It’s Dean’s tiny little “Sam, no!” that makes Sam put the gun down, and that ALSO says a LOT. 

It also hits me right in my heart meats, just OOF. 

And THEN, just when you think the Winchesters are at their lowest, beat to shit and barely holding on, THEN the show delivers its final blow: they crash a semi into the Impala. 

Listen, I watch a lot of garbage, and I watch that garbage on purpose. Sometimes, that’s just what you want. I don’t rate movies and tv shows on a good to bad scale anymore because some bad movies are GREAT and some good movies are just really terrible and I don’t like watching them. I’ve started talking about movies and tv in terms of whether or not I enjoyed them. Does it spark joy? Will it spark joy in others? 

My legitimate reaction to anything that looks like a dumpster fire.

I enjoy Supernatural. A LOT. And maybe it’s just because my calibration settings are off, but I’d also argue that this season is good. As in, it’s well-crafted, satisfying and (mostly) logical storytelling. Is it perfect? No. It’s a show that aired on the WB in 2005. And when I watched this for the first time in 2008, I didn’t dig too deep into character arcs or story structure, I just liked watching two hot guys fight ghosts and sometimes cry a little. Twelve years later, watching it with a more experienced eye and a more refined palette - er, well, maybe just more educated palette -  I can see the skill that went into crafting this 22-episode long story. 

Well, skill and and a little bit of sheer dumb luck. Cuz remember when I said that Kripke and Co. figured out that the Feelings Episodes ended up doing better than the Monster-of-the-Week episodes? That wasn’t until after they realized what a gift they’d been given in their two leads. It was the chemistry between Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki that both sold the show at the outset and built the foundation for seasons to come. Viewers cared about the show because they cared about the characters. They wanted to see these two beautiful dumpster fires struggle and overcome their internal battles way more than their external ones. If you need proof - I did not once talk about the Yellow-Eyed-Demon motives or plans from this episode. I barely even mention the quest, unless it’s in relation to how the characters are handling it, emotionally, and how that’s impacting others around them. When you come down to it, Supernatural is a show about a family struggling to survive just as much as it is about two guys saving the world, and that’s something that any audience can relate to. I’m never gonna perform an exorcism or face down angels and demons to stop the apocalypse. But I am gonna struggle with insecurity and doubt, grief and anger and family drama. That’s the human element. That’s what connects you to these characters. And when you’re lucky enough to have two lead actors that really sell the hell out of the family dynamics, you're setting up for some serious television gold. 

Fifteen years after this season aired, both of these elements - the story-crafting AND the luck - are more important than ever. No matter what show you’re watching, when you get to a season finale, that finale needs to feel like a set of dominos tipping over. It needs to feel like you’ve set up for that final confrontation both externally (the quest arc) and internally (the character arc). It needs to feel satisfying and motivated when those dominos finally fall. Most importantly, you need to make sure your audience cares about why they’re falling in the first place. Who cares about anybody’s arc if you haven’t built that character connection with your audience in the first place? 

For a TV show looking ahead to season two, all that resolution also needs to ask more questions. It needs to propel us through one conflict and into another. That’s what the finale of this season does. It threads the needle into that sweet spot between conclusion and new beginning. Will our heroes live or die? Will the yellow-eyed demon be defeated? What’s next? And on this side of 2020, how did they keep that momentum going for more than a decade? 

I can’t think of any current show right now that I would follow for 15 years. Hell, I didn’t even follow this show for 15 years. But the longevity of Supernatural means that they’ll be the template for any show looking to last even half as long as they did. And no matter how you feel about this show, you’ve gotta admit that’s heckin’ WILD. 

#Supernatural #Supernatural Season 1 #Supernatural Season 1 Finale #Devil's Trap #Salvation #John Winchester #Dean Winchester #Sam Winchester #Bobby Singer #wb #CW #Television #Television History #15 seasons! #How did this get 15 seasons?!? #Carry On My Wayward Son #That song is not on the Netflix version #and whatever crap song they do play is AWFUL #Storytelling #Character Arcs #Monster of the Week

[toughaqua777]

Homestar Runner: Free Random Ideas

These are just some random ideas and overanalyzed crap that I thought of over my new hyperfixation that I decided to share with you folks.

Some will be silly, some will be angsty, some will be weird as all crap, and some will be more ‘what-if’ if anything. These are not in any particular order, and they can all stand independently from one another.

You are free to use any of these in any combination, and you may edit them as you see fit. Whether for fanart, fanfics, or anything else like that, everything here is up for grabs. I will be adding more in reblogs, but for now, have these 20.

Enjoy!

1) Strong Bad actually has access to a lot more power than he realizes via his diamond, but since he doesn’t dedicate time to expanding such power, he’s not able to use all of it. He’s unaware of his full potential.

2) Homestar, Marzipan, and the King of Town are all telekinetic, but they’re not at full power. They’d have to meet special requirements to do so.

3) It’s possible for Bubs to regain his power to fly. The only issue is that he needs someone else to correctly pronounce a certain word in an ancient, long-lost language. No, he doesn’t know the word. No, he doesn’t know the language.

4) Mr. Poofers is a sentient thought, and his ultimate goal is to enslave the minds of everyone in Free Country. Homestar accidentally awakened him when he tried to think of a story to tell on Halloween that would get popular.

5) Strong Sad has access to powers just like his older brother, but they’re very different. The toon Doomy Tales of the Macabre is a good example of what he’s capable of; murder via writing!

6) Strong Bad’s brain having it's own eye is nothing to laugh at; that eye is the center of his diamond’s power. If he were to get directly hit in the center of that (center of diamond = center of eye) and nowhere else, his full power would be unleashed all at once. This will be bad for everyone involved.

7) Even though he participates in picking on Strong Sad, Strong Mad isn’t doing it out of malicious intent; it’s mainly because Strong Bad is the dominant personality. Mad and Sad, provided Bad isn’t involved, get along quite nicely. He actually cares a lot about both of his little bros and will absolutely throw hands if their lives were in danger.

8) Homsar is actually a direct descendent of an ancient race of magical, psychic people who worshipped an ancient god. When this god was sealed away and new ones took their place, these people refused to worship them. They were then cursed with the current speech and writing style Homsar uses today; unintelligible ones. Homestar is distantly related to these people as well.

9) The reason why The Cheat both has fur and has the ability to molt is due to a rare skin condition unique to his kind. It’s not really all that bad, it’s just...well, unique.

10) Senor Cardgage is all that’s left of a powerful deity who shattered into pieces long ago. He doesn’t know this. At least not anymore.

11) The Goblin is actually the deity of Halloween in Free Country and is currently at-war with Mr. Poofers.

12) While it’s hard to say from which parent they got it from, the Brothers Strong are blood descendants of an elephant-shaped Demon Lord. Strong Sad inherited more of the appearance, while Strong Bad inherited more of the personality. Strong Mad is somewhere in-between.

13) Marzipan wasn’t always vegan. The reason she is now is because when she first heard where meat, milk, and other products come from, she was like, “B-but animals are people too! We’re eating people?!” By the time people tried to correct her, it was already too late.

14) Despite not being great at it, Strong Bad enjoys baking; it’s oddly cathartic for him. When Marzipan found out, she decided that they should meet up every once in a while at her house so she can teach him. These moments are the rare moments when they, at the very least, tolerate each other’s presence.

15) Surprisingly, the most likely time you’d find Strong Bad & Strong Sad getting along is during the night, when most folks are sleeping. When they were little, whenever Strong Sad got a nightmare, he’d knock on Strong Bad’s door and ask to stay there for a bit, the latter basically replying, “Fine, you big baby. Now let me sleep.” Nowadays, their roles have switched. Strong Sad treasures these moments...and while he’ll never admit to it, Strong Bad does too.

16) Strong Bad has incredibly vivid dreams, mostly in-part to the video games he’s played (why do you think he says game titles/quotes in his sleep?). This is both good and bad; amazing dreams, but awful nightmares. Sometimes they’re so vivid that, for a few seconds after doing so, he’s not sure if he woke up or not! On the bright side, he has an easier time recalling them.

17) If The Poopsmith wasn’t, well, a poopsmith, he would most likely be a famous vocalist & musician. In this case, he would be known as The Songsmith.

18) If it weren’t for his friendship with Homestar, Pom Pom would be a lot more pompous than what he is now. Homestar seemed to help humble him, but who knows how that happened.

19) Homestar is fully capable of beating the crap out of people with his powerful legs, but he’s just way too nice to do so. In fact, the thought rarely (if ever) comes to mind!

20) Xeriouxly Forxe actually exists in an alternate universe, but the character counterparts are all evil-aligned. The one exception is Homsar, because he’s Homsar.

#homestar runner #hsr #h*r #headcanon #idea #overanalyzing #what if #whatif #homestar #strong bad

[ephemeral-afterlight]

Day 15: Scars

(I know you think you’re alone.)

Whumptober 2019 Day 15: Scars

Word Count: 2458

Relationships: Creativitwins (familial) NOT remrom don't tag as remrom or i'll steal your bones and use them to make Halloween decorations

Warnings: Self-harm (c/tting, it doesn't actually happen but it is referenced outright many times. there is mild/non-graphic description of it as well, and scars are referenced multiple times too), mention of self-hatred, mentions of emotional breakdowns, cursing, mild inappropriate language. Lmk if I forgot any!

A/N: i'm not too upset about this one! it's not my best, but it's certainly not my worst. can y'all tell i love writing creativitwins brother dynamic?

dedicated to @illogical-anxieties. love you, dumbass ♥

There’s something calming about running your fingers across the raised lines, about observing the streaks of light painted thin on your skin. It has an almost soothing effect, at least for Roman, and despite the irony of it, hyperfixating on those scars can help prevent him creating more. And creation, being such a prevalent aspect in his function as a side, is definitely not a force to be reckoned with. So he counteracts it the only way he knows how, runs his fingertips softly along the ridges on his forearms, and just breathes. Usually.

Except right now, as he sits here huddled in the corner of his room, it’s not working. It’s not doing what it should be, isn’t tempering his hyperventilation, isn’t nullifying the pain echoing in his heart. Roman doesn’t know what to do. He’s tried hydrating, splashing cold water on his face, holding an ice cube to his skin, and singing Disney songs to distract himself, but nothing is working. Everything feels tense right now, dangerous after his fourth breakdown this week, and he just… wants this all to end.

Roman doesn’t want to feel like this anymore. He doesn’t want to have the urge to dig into his skin, to take a blade to his shoulder until the apathy comes to drown his self-hatred. He doesn’t want to feed his addiction, to give up this easily, but… he yearns. He yearns so deeply for that cold, unforgiving brush on his fragile canvas, for the numbness that comes with it.

He’s in the bathroom rummaging through his drawers like a madman before he even realizes what he’s doing.

And maybe he should think this through more, try harder to resist, but it’s so tempting. He isn’t just helpless toward his relapse, he wants it, and for the first time in seven months, a silver edge comes within an inch of his marred skin. But of course, of course he forgot to lock the door, and his brother barges in the room without a single knock or warning beforehand. He’s jittery, and looks like he’s about to yell something, but then his whole demeanour shifts when he sees Roman bowed over his vanity sink with a razor in his grip. His sleeve is rolled up, and his scars are on full display, and Remus shoots forward to knock the blade out of Roman’s hand with an almost desperate snarl.

“You idiot, what are you doing?!” Remus hisses as he grabs his counterpart’s arm roughly, drags him out of the bathroom and shoves him onto the bed without a hint of gentle treatment to be found. Roman rubs harshly at his forearms and glares at his lap with dull, dark eyes, and slaps his brother’s hand away when he tries to pry his grip off of his damaged limb. “I’m supposed to be the violent one, what the hell do you think you’re accomplishing with this?”

“I’m trying to be better? This is the only way I can-- I can fucking think. I tried. I fucking tried everything I could, every grounding technique and distraction, and nothing’s working. I can’t… I can’t do this,” Roman spits back, anger dissolving easily into resignation. Remus takes a loud, deep breath, clenches his fists so tightly his knuckles go white, and sits there in an odd, silent suspension for some amount of seconds. Once he’s seemingly calmed down, his brother deflates and it’s like all of the stiffness trickles out of him in one fell swoop. It’s strange to watch, considering how easily both of them lose their tempers.

Remus just stares at him, flat gaze boring into Roman’s own, and it feels like there should be some exchange happening here. It’s almost as if Remus is searching for something, something that even Roman himself can’t see. After another long moment where they just observe each other, his brother clicks his tongue in a sudden movement that almost startles. He looks like he’s sizing Roman up, gathering intel with eyes that are bathed in the tempest, and then he’s speaking again. “You haven’t tried everything, I bet. I’ll show you.”

“Remus, you don’t have to do that. Just… let me be. If I wanted to, I could easily wave them away, so. It doesn’t even matter,” Roman mumbles, fingers flitting up to unconsciously trace the scars on his arm, and his counterpart just scoffs.

“Yeah, no shit, of course you can wave them away. But you haven’t, and you won’t, so just shut up and come on,” Remus replies, scalding and protective at the same time, and Roman doesn’t understand. They’re supposed to hate each other. They’re not supposed to hang out, not like… not like they did when they were younger. Their days of running around the Imagination waving plastic weapons at their combined villainous creations have been over for a long time, so why does he even care?

Roman doesn’t know, but he still stands and follows his brother anyway.

They go to the light sides’ common room first, the living room devoid of any presence other than the twins’ own. The others are up in the real world watching a movie with Thomas, if he remembers correctly, so they probably won’t be back until late. Remus gestures to the couch and waits for Roman to sit hesitantly before flopping down himself.

“Try screaming,” Remus tells him plainly, and Roman just gives him an incredulous look. What? What does that mean? Scream? Why? Apparently his brother can easily read the confusion on his face, because he just rolls his eyes and snatches up a throw pillow to place in Roman’s still hands. “Scream. Into the pillow. It helps, so just do it. Here, I’ll do it too, see?”

And Remus just stares at his own pillow resolutely, takes a huge breath, and then smashes his face into the fabric. The pillow doesn’t muffle the sound by very much, but it’s still at a similar volume to his speaking voice, and Roman wrinkles his nose in disgust. Is he joking? And-- no, of course he’s fucking not, he’s Remus. Well… he might as well do it. Roman figures if he’s gonna looks stupid anyway, it should probably be along with someone else, and his brother always looks stupid, so maybe his presence’ll mitigate it a bit.

So he screams. He lets loose a long yell into the stuffed cushion, shouts even louder when Remus laughs beside him and starts yelling into his own pillow again, and this whole situation is awful. They must look so dumb, two twins screaming intermittently into pillows as almost a response to one another, and Roman has to admit, it’s more funny than it is mortifying. Shocking, sure, but Remus somehow manages to make even the silliest things sound serious, so Roman doesn’t even know why he’s surprised in the slightest.

“So? Feel any better?” Remus asks cheerfully when they finally stop to breathe, both sitting back against the couch panting as they clutch their respective pillows to their chests. Roman groans and throws his head back, inhales slowly while he gives the ceiling a scathing glance, and Remus tilts his head in confusion not unlike how a dog would.

“I mean-- I don’t know, I guess? A little bit, but…” Roman trails off and Remus jumps to his feet. His pillow is thrown at the wall as harshly as possible, discarded viciously to smack against and shatter a picture frame. Roman starts with the noise, and then gives his counterpart a disapproving glare. Remus stares him down for a second, then hunches over and groans when he realizes Roman isn’t going to back down on this one, and he moves over to fix the damage with a wave of his hand as he rolls his eyes.

“Right, well. Still not good, huh? Let’s try something else. Follow!” Remus shouts far too loudly, a fairly unreachable sentiment when is comes from Roman himself, and the two of them leave the room.

They go outside next, trek around the house in the beating sun, and Roman sweats from both the heat and the mischievous look in his brother’s eye. The two stop in the backyard beside the porch, and Remus sizes up a blank stretch of brick wall as Roman just shakes the collar of his jacket in an attempt to air it out a little. Remus nods to himself after a couple moments of deliberation, and then summons what seem to be brightly coloured water balloons sloshing around in a blue plastic bucket.

“Water balloons? I don’t want to get wet right now, Remus,” Roman sighs, ignores the suggestive eyebrow wiggle he gets in return, and he crosses his arms when his counterpart grabs a balloon from off the top of the pile.

“Haha, no, dumbass! You’re so silly, of course they’re not water balloons-- they’re paint balloons!” And Roman has to leap forward and snatch the balloon away as Remus is winding up to launch it, berating his pouting brother as he replaces the paint balloons with actual water balloons. Roman doesn’t bother with words, just gives Remus a withering look when he huffs and waves his hand over the balloons again. “Fine. Compromise.”

“There better not be paint in those again, Remus, or I might literally strangle you. Ah-- before you say it, no, not in ‘the fun way’.”

And there isn’t. They’re water balloons, still, but they’re also filled with so many different colours of glitter, and Roman has to admit that the way the sun shines and refracts off of the little flecks coating the side of the building is pretty awesome. But… as pretty as it is, Roman can still feel that itch, that wanting, so they clean up (read: Roman cleans up while Remus tries to swallow a balloon whole. Wait, can Deceit do that?) and head back inside, having managed to stay decently dry.

So they try again. Remus takes him to his own room, drags out a huge canvas and easel from god knows where and swats the dust and cobwebs away from the slightly yellowed surface. It isn’t hard to guess what they’re doing, and Roman wonders if Remus only puts out shades of red acrylic for a reason. He has to admit, though, smearing the page with so many different hues to make an abstract mess of bright claret is surprisingly fun, though he’d never admit that to Remus.

They also attempt to make cupcakes, but that’s all more of Virgil’s thing than anyone else’s. Stress baking is a common occurrence, to the point where Virgil has actually gotten to be extremely skilled, and it does make for a humorous juxtaposition to the other two. Logan is great at cooking because it can not only be precise and measured, but also a creative outlet, and despite his insistence that he is Logic and Logic only, Roman knows that even Logan can create some really amazing, unique things if he tries. Patton, on the other hand… oh boy. Despite his position as a parental fixture within their group, he is awful at making nearly everything related to food. He’s too prone to experimentation and disregarding recipes and measurements outright, which is why baking is always a disaster, and he gets too scared around heat to really cook a proper meal. He does make some really good parfaits, though.

So although he has years under his belt of watching those three do their thing, of learning what to do from Virgil and Logan and what not to do from Patton, Roman isn’t exactly good at baking himself. He’s awesome at decorating, and he’s made some really cool cake artwork before, but the actual baking part is not something he usually ever has to deal with. And Remus… well, Remus is Remus. He purposely switches the salt and sugar in his food, so.

Needless to say, their attempt is an absolute tragedy, but Roman honestly isn’t too mad about it. Sure, they’re both covered in flour, and Roman’s jacket is stained with vanilla extract from a particularly disastrous spill, and Remus has been continually making Roman cringe by crunching on the cakes that are burnt beyond recognition (cupcakes are not supposed to be crunchy, what the fuck) , but Roman’s actually having a lot of fun. Maybe the cupcakes didn’t turn out very well, but Roman hasn’t laughed this hard in a long time, so he’ll take small victories where he can get them.

And the twins don’t stop. They throw darts at headshot pictures of politicians taped to the wall, they have a pillow fight until Roman’s arms feel like jelly, and they go into the Imagination to ride some of the horses there (a white one with an elegant mane for Roman, and a decaying half-skeleton horse for Remus) until the sun is setting in the real world. They do so much, a surprising amount, and it feels just like when they were kids and they used to run around the house together yelling at the top of their lungs and giggling as they ran away from an exasperated Patton. Roman didn’t know how much he missed this until now, but it’s late, and unfortunately it has to come to an end.

“Remus, I’m tired, and nothing’s working… can I just go to sleep?” Roman sighs as they walk back into the main part of the mindscape again, scratching at the back of his neck as Remus whistles a cheery tune. He doesn’t understand how his twin can still be so energetic even after every exhausting activity they’ve participated in today, but it’s somewhat refreshing nonetheless.

“Nothing’s working? But you just went a whole day without cutting yourself! Seems like it worked to me!” Remus exclaims, eyes bright as he grins cheekily, and-- holy shit. He’s right. Roman didn’t cut today. He didn’t hurt himself, even though he was feeling that bad earlier. Even with the stress, and the tension, and the breakdown, he still managed to not give in. Because… because of Remus. Because of his little brother. That sneaky little shit, he knew what he was doing from the get-go. Maybe Roman is sorta proud. Okay, a lot proud.

“Anyway, I-- woah, don’t cry on me! Otherwise I might have to steal your tears and keep them in a jar to use as lube,” Remus snickers, and Roman doesn’t even care about his vulgarity as he brings his brother into a tight hug. He can tell that Remus is surprised, and a little stiff even as Roman squeezes his shoulders with gratitude. But then he’s relaxing a little, laughs more sincerely as he pats Roman’s back, and maybe Remus isn’t so bad after all.

#whumptober2019 #no.15 #scars #ts sides #sanders sides #ts roman #roman sanders #roman angst #ts remus #remus sanders #creativitwins #NOT remrom #tw self harm #tw scars #emotional breakdown #self hatred mention #tw cursing #vulgar language #mentions of: #ts virgil #ts logan #ts patton #ts deceit #jasper's writing

[annnoel]

Previous part: Wraiths CONTENT WARNING: This story contains murder, decapitation, alcohol and heavy language. Read at your own risk.

Muddy footprints were left in Rhippos wake as he stumbled into a small village, rain bathing the place in a thick mist. Despite the rain some were still wandering about the square, some getting supplies to help them weather the storm until it let up. Rhippo had no care for supplies or a place to stay, he just wanted to drown his sorrows and forget his friend. He stumbled onto a building and placed his hand against the wall, somewhat losing his grip from his rain soaked hands. Regaining his grip he leaned his back against the wall and fell to the floor, taking a swig from a wine bottled he had been carrying with him. Footsteps could be heard coming near him, eventually stopping beside him. "My, you're soaked head to toe! What happened to you?" Rhippo glanced to the side and saw a xweetok holding a lace umbrella leaning down to get a better look at him. Her body fur was a lilac purple while her hair and mane shimmered a dark violet, her eyes a vibrant pink that almost seemed to glow in the shadows. She wore a black dress with purple floral patters coming up from the bottom as if it was winding across her dress. Rhippo paid no mind to her and let out a heavy huff before turning away from her. "Are you doing alright? Do you need any sort of help with shelter or such?" She asked as she leaned down closer to Rhippo. "Go fuck yourself, I don't need any help." Rhippo let out before taking another swig from his wine bottle. "By Gods, such language! You shouldn't talk to someone who offered you help in such a way!" She stood herself back up and placed her hand on her breast, letting out a scoff. "I can talk to you however the fuck I want, like I give two shits about what people think about me." Rhippo peered into the bottle before tilting it, a single drop falling from the brim into his lap. Rhippo flung the bottle to the side, the sound of glass clanging as it ran over rocks and dirt. The xweetok furrowed her brow and pursed her lips, contemplating on how she could get him to talk about his situation. "Sounds like someone you knew betrayed your trust in a way."  She said softly as she scratched at her face, implying how Rhippo had gotten the scar across his face. "Nobody betrayed my trust, I betrayed someone elses trust thanks to my desperation. I tried to help her, and now she wants nothing to do with me." Rhippo let our a heavy sigh before dropping his head into his legs. "How did you betray her trust?" Rhippo clenched his fists onto his knees and slowly raised his head up, glaring back at the xweetok. "You of all people should know why." Rhippo hissed. "I beg your pardon?" She asked as she backed up, clenching her umbrellas handle. "I know it's you wraith, your act is as unpolished as your looks." In a flash all her clothes fell to the floor, the umbrella splashing onto some wet rocks. The black mass manifested next to Rhippo, turning into the xweetok he met before. She held her face in her hands, the lower half of her legs raised in the air crossed. "Guess I'm a bit of an open book now aren't I?" Rhippo snarled at her. "What the fuck do you want with me?" "Oh, I always check back up on my clients to see how they're doing! I see in your case it didn't end too well." "Like HELL it did-" Rhippo slammed his hand down where her head was, but she wisped away before he could grab her. She manifested behind him and wrapped her arm around his neck. "You really thought you could get me like that? Oh that's so very cute." She rested her other arm on top of his head, pressing her cheek onto his. Rhippo clawed at her arm, but his claws just phased through her arm. "Also, I can tell you got yourself a wraith as well, I can feel them. Gave you a bit of a struggle now, didn't they?" She ran a finger on top of the scar covering his face. Rhippo yelled and stood up, getting the wraith to finally manifest off of him. "You need to just- get the hell away from me. You ruined my life enough, and I don't want you near me ever again!" Rhippos words slurred as they came out, barely just forming a coherent sentence in his anger. "Alright, I'll leave! I was just checking up on you," She winked as she backed herself up, "Maybe you can take this opportunity to restart your life, create a fresh start, make a new you! I feel it would do you some good." He lunged at her but she disappeared into the air before he could grab her, the last of the black wisps faded into the air as Rhippo looked down at his hands. He clenched his fists and yelled into the air before falling to his knees, wrapping his arms onto his head and letting out another desperate scream. He pushed his hair back as he stood himself back up, leaning against the wall as he regained his footing. He staggered back to the entrance of the forest, kicking the wine bottle away as he entered. Rhippo wandered through the woods, barely able to keep himself upright as he would catch himself on nearby trees. He stopped and leaned himself against a tree, his breath forming small clouds of mist in the rain while he panted. As he was about to get back up, he heard a voice in the distance. Listening in he could tell it was elderly, the tone shaky and struggling to get louder as it called for help. A krawk green in tone like Rhippo walked through the frame, holding a makeshift cane as he propped himself on the nearby trees, struggling to keep himself up. Maybe you can take this opportunity to restart your life, create a fresh start, make a new you! I feel it would do you some good. Make a new me Rhippo thought. Create a fresh start, start new. Restart your life, restart your life, restart your life... The voices of reason were drowned out as he wandered towards the elderly krawk, the thought of restarting his life repeating over and over in his mind. His chest and face started to burn intensely, his hands trembling as he wandered closer to the krawk. Rhippo placed his hand against a tree trunk and leaned against it, the krawk hearing him and turning back to Rhippo. "Oh, thank the Gods! C-can you show me where the nearest village is? I got a bit lost in these woods." The krawk trembled, clutching his cane to keep his balance. Rhippo just stared down the krawk, the way he looked reminding him so much of himself. Maybe this was another trick from the wraith? Maybe he's finally gone insane from his sadness? Or possibly drunken hallucinations manifesting in the foggy rain? It didn't matter to him, he wanted him gone. "Make a new me." Black snake like tendrils manifested from Rhippos back, pointed straight down onto the elderly krawk. The krawk gasped as he backed up, dropping his cane and leaning against a tree. "Make a new me!" Rhippo repeated, cackling madly as the snaky tendrils inched closer to the krawk. He tried to run, but all four tendrils shot down at him in a split second. A pained scream rang into the evening rain, birds flying off as it echoed through the forest. *~* Tendrils reached down and grabbed the top of the deceased krawks head, twisting it off as the sound of bones snapping and flesh tearing rang through his head. He removed anything inside the head he didn't want before sitting himself down, dropping the skull into his lap. He used his claws to rip off any skin and hair until nothing but the bone was left. As he brushed off any leftover blood, he placed the skull on top of his head. It was a bit big on him, but that didn't bother him. He sat as he felt the weight of the skull rest on his head, glancing back at the body as the tendrils came into frame. Black and pink wisps ran up the wraithy tendrils as pink spots scattered the top, forming where the rain came down onto them. Rhippo stared back down and played with his fingers, letting out a low cackle and slowly raising his voice until it rang out through the forest. "Make a new me!" Rhippo trembled out. He leaned forward and slammed his hands into the mud, cackling as streams of tears trickled down his face. "Make a new me!" He yelled out as his cackles rang through the misty rain. His cackling shifted to pained sobs as he folded into himself, wailing as he continually repeated the phrase over and over again. Make a new me. ---------------- DID Y'ALL WANNA KNOW HOW RHIPPO GOT HIS SKULL?? No??? WELL NOW YOU DO! I had been wanting to make a sequel to his last piece for a while now, but never knew how to approach it. I always knew it'd be him having some major depressimos and drunk but thats kinda all i knew i got some inspiration recently though from the most recent episode of primal (Plague of Madness) + In This Moments newest album. The two combined just gave me major creepy vibes and made me wanna write something creepy and unsettling, which resulted in this! Hopefully I get the idea i wanted across. Characters losing touch with reality for one reason or another can be hard to write because it can be hard making sense of their actions if not written properly. I MEAAANN TECHNICALLY if the character is losing touch with reality and going insane it doesn't need to make sense, but in this case where he isn't really going insane and is just very drunk and cant really form reasonable thoughts it was a bit harder. But again, hopefully i get what i wanted across!! I had to rewrite this a bunch and might still rewrite it again since some parts I felt weren't that well structured and feel very jarring. Either way, I still had SO much fun with this and i love the whole idea of the story. I already have some sequel stories i wanna make up for this. I never thought i'd hyperfixate on rhippo of all characters fjkghdkjfg

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