#they shouldn't have gone so close or had it happen like 3 times in succession that is Bad

[void-thegod]

When you have a invisible disability and you fail:

1. You're stupid

2. You're weak

3. You're gullible

4. You're a bad person

But it's never because you're disabled. And if you bring up the fact that you're disabled?

That's not an excuse.

Hm.

I don't know.

I think if I've had brain damage or am an amputee of some sort (I've had .. quite a few concussions actually) that I'm not going to function optimally

Would you question someone's ability to swim if they didn't have legs or were missing an arm?

Yeah. You'd be concerned about their ability.

But no. That doesn't mean they're an invalid. That doesn't mean they're incapable of doing wrong or anything else.

They will struggle more and they will experience the affects of that in various ways.

If we can accept abusers, people being plain ignorant, and bigots as people... why is it so hard to accept someone who is born differently?

This differently?

If you are brown, you know the sort of struggles and stress you have are on another level than a white person.

If you're a darker skin brown person it is more likely you will be treated worse than someone light skinned.

I was in a relationship with a black/indigenous woman. She was emotionally and physically abusive.

But I knew the type of shit she'd gone through

I saw how people treated us differently.

As the recipient of her abuse... I justified staying with her in a number of ways.

I'm not an angel. I'm capable of getting angry. Of yelling. I've done things I regret.

But I haven't physically harmed another person, yet.

The only times I've ever come close were in self defense

This is the sort of despicable person I am.

Only when pushed into a corner do I do desperate things. Desperate times, after all.

But that comes with its own pitfalls.

Being trans. Being male. Being brown (mixed/light). Being disabled.

People make all sorts of assumptions about you based on your behavior.

Rightly so. But if intent matters and outcome matters... then why have I been judged so harshly?

If I am being completely honest...

I think that is just what happens to weird people. People who have lost or never had the ability to connect with others because of their constitution.

Not even worse than other people.

I've met good people. Mediocre people. And real shit heads. And they all are capable of great kindness and great maliciousness - depending upon the circumstances.

But generally, the worst people are bigoted, ignorant, and hateful. They love drama. They like to see people in pain, to manipulate, and to have power. They are so desperate to be successful or at least better than others that they don't think twice.

If they think twice it is because their fear or reason actually over rules them. Or because they were made to learn. And even then? They become worse people.

Why? Why am I mentioning all this?

Because all people are made from this world, one way or another. Either a part of it or in revolt against it.

It creates illness of all sorts - of the body, mind, and spirit/heart. And that affects everything else.

How is anyone to properly survive this without being corrupted? Without being harmed or without harming?

You cannot.

But. I think we can ... be more discerning.

There is no reason in 2024 that we should still be struggling with the things we are.

People should know the difference between someone like Trump and someone like Biden

Between someone who is disabled and hurt and struggling

And someone who is disabled and hurt and willingly/maliciously hurting others

They shouldn't be seen as equal by any stretch of the imagination.

Likewise the way that we live our lives...

Between the rich and the poor. The why and how of it... there should be no confusion. About anything. About what should be done.

Same with our government.

The home of the brave? The land of the free?

The most brave and free of us are the most oppressed. And I mean "free" in the sense of not being so bound by societal norms.

Of course. Many of us don't have a choice. One way or another. Or the choices are few and shitty.

So.

What now?

Keep doing wrong? Keep seeing wrong?

...

I can't keep being around people like that.

Guess I'll die trying to escape this Hell.

#rambles #vent #trans #queer #voidpunk #autistic #disabled

[themculibrary]

So, I’m inspired by the anon that was looking for a frostiron time travel fix-it - do you have any recs?

If You Had This Time Again (ao3) - dls loki/tony T, 268k

Summary: Tony Stark closed his eyes in a wrecked Siberian bunker and woke up on a demolished New York street. Four years earlier.

Loki of Nowhere (ao3) - theicesculpture loki/tony M, 326k

Summary: Loki dies on Svartalfheim. Then he wakes up. It does not take long before Hela seizes the opportunity to offer Loki a deal: end Thanos's life in exchange for his own. Loki knows defeating Thanos will be no easy feat and so a conversation with the Norns becomes part of the bargain.

The Norns tell him three things: 1. His only path to success lies in utilising the Infinity Stones 2. The Infinity Stone contained within the Tesseract – the only stone he will ever wield – will not be enough on its own 3. The name of a potential ally who has the highest capacity to both wield another one of the Infinity Stones and collaborate alongside him

And that name... That name is Tony Stark.

***

Alternatively, the one where Loki and Tony try to build a time machine.

The Flames are all Long Gone, but the Pain Lingers on (ao3) - TinyButFierce loki/tony T, 10k

Summary: It's time they fixed what happened.

Otherwise known as: the team up that no one expected.

To Infinity and...Behind? (ao3) - Thatskasterborous loki/tony, bruce/thor E, 40k (WIP)

Summary: Time travel wasn't supposed to work like this. He'd done the calculations himself. It shouldn't be possible for them to be in their own past. They were supposed to end up in a different-yet strikingly similar-universe because True Time Travel doesn't exist. But now they have apparently replaced their former selves and there was no 'Future' to get back to. There was only the here and now which just so happened to be 11 years in the past.

"Tony was starting to hyperventilate. Which did not help when he realised that the particles he was breathing in were actually him. In fact it made everything 10 times worse.

“Oh my god. This is-I can’t.” Tony gasped. “I accidentally killed myself. This is like legit suicide.”

Bruce winced but still reached out for his friend. He grabbed Tony’s shoulder and tried to ground him. “Actually I think suicide requires intention and we definitely didn’t mean to do this. So this is more like accidental death.”

“So I accidental deathed myself to death. How comforting.” "

- Tori

#Anonymous #answered #found #frostiron #loki #tony stark #time travel #fix it #time travel fix it

[worstloki]

I think Loki has something personal against The Hulk. Because 2012 Loki doesn't know Hulk would be in Asgard in the initiation of Ragnarok but in his metaphorical explanation, the example he chose was pushing The Hulk off the bifrost.

I think he just read the report and heard the Hulk was there, after all it does have "Revengers" down as the cause of the displacement

#i hate this scene so much solely for the zoom-ins on the eyes #WHAT is UP with THAT #no #they shouldn't have gone so close or had it happen like 3 times in succession that is Bad #the Loki show #loki spoilers #loki show spoilers

[hotch-stufff]

Surprise, Surprise

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x F!reader

Warnings!: there are no warnings, im not telling you a single thing. It's a surprise. Just read and find out ;)

Also, as much as I love him, Jack does not exist in this story, wasn't really sure how to write him in.

Author's Note: I'm so sorry that I haven't written in a while, I have had no inspiration and my bf dumped me so... ya'know that was nice. Anyways, finally getting some inspo, hopefully I will be writing more. Hope you guys enjoy this one :) Also, the mood board is mine, but the images are all from pintrest.

Word count: 1.4 k words

This is an emotional roller coaster

------------

You couldn't breathe.

You couldn't move, or speak.

Your knees gave out as you fell to the floor, sobs racking your body.

You felt arms wrap around you, but it didn't help. You were suffocating. He was your air, and he had just been ripped from your lungs. 

He was gone, dead.

Your husband.

The love of your life.

Aaron Hotchner was dead

* * *

You don't remember anything after the doctor uttered those words. You don't remember Rossi picking you up and holding you. You don't remember the sad glances, the tears shed by your teammates. You don't remember the car ride to your now empty shared apartment. You don't remember lying down and sobbing into the pillow for hours.

No, you only remember the pain. The unbearable pain of loss.

He was gone. Really gone.

You cried and cried for hours on end. Until you had no tears left to shed. 

Then you just lied there, staring at the wall, gripping his favorite shirt in your arms, remembering every little moment with him.

And it hurt like hell just thinking of everything you did with him. The day you met. Your first kiss, your first date. The day he proposed. Your wedding. Every little thing. 

And you wouldn't be able to do anything else. You wouldn't have kids with him. You guys had just talked about having a baby just the other day. He wanted one so bad. 

You shouldn't have waited.

Because now, now he was gone.

* * *

The next few days were a blur. You found yourself with home-cooked meals overflowing your fridge. A team member at your house every night. But it was all a blur.

All meaningless without Aaron.

The funeral was coming up. You didn't make any arrangements, you asked Rossi if he could handle it and he quickly agreed. 

He had taken care of finding the casket, picking a place, and finding a burial site. Everything. 

The only thing you had asked for was a closed casket.

You couldn't handle looking at him.

* * *

On the day of the funeral, the girls all came over to help you get ready. 

"Alright y/n, do you have a dress?" Penny asked as she walked out of kitchen.

"In the closet." You croaked. Your voice being hoarse from the crying and lack of speaking for the past two weeks.

"Okay I'll grab that, and shoes. Jj is going to make you breakfast and Em is going to do your hair okay?" You gave her a sad smile and a small okay.

Penny quickly walked back your hallway as Em began pulling your hair back in a low ponytail. You felt the tears begin slipping down your face once again.

Jj saw as she walked back in the room with a bagel and coffee.

"Oh sweetheart." And the dam broke. They comforted you the best they could. But they couldn't even imagine what you were going through, because he was gone.

* * *

The funeral was a blur. It seemed like everything was these days. 

It was a beautiful service. You don't remember much. Lots of hugs and 'sorry for your loss's.

It had gone quickly, and soon you found yourself in Rossi's living room. Everyone but the team had left, you sat alone. The rest were in the kitchen cleaning up.

You didn't move from your spot, sipping your wine.

Everyone walked in, and found spots around you.

It was silent. Not a single word was spoken.

"I'm taking a leave of absence." You spoke.

6 pairs of eyes shot to you, but they couldn't say they were surprised.

"It's just too much. I'm not ready to come back." Your voice was quiet. Rossi was the first to say anything.

"Take all the time you need." 

* * *

And you did. You spent about 3 months in that apartment, alone and sad and heartbroken. 

But you realized that Aaron would never want you to live like this. And you really needed to be able to pay the bills.

So after those 3 months, you gave Rossi a call. He had become until chief since you had left, and he instantly accepted you back to the team.

You were slowly getting better. 

Each passing case a distraction. 

Each one fixing you just a bit more. 

Each one giving your life a purpose, a meaning again.

And you felt better. You stopped crying yourself to sleep. You stopped sitting in silence for hours on end. You stopped crying every time you thought about him.

But you still visited him every week. You still thought about him everyday. You still wore your wedding rings, refusing to take them off.

But you were better. 

* * *

A few more months went by and you started going out with the team again. You spent more time with them. Almost every weekend. And you were somewhat okay.

And it wasn't until about 8 months after his death did your world come to another crashing halt.

You had been called in to the BAU, not entirely sure why, but you came in none the less. 

You figured it was a case, but Jj hadn't specified on the phone, which was strange.

You had walked up to the conference room, and were surprised to see the whole team sitting there ready to go. 

"Hey guys, do we have a case?" You asked, but Jj sent you a sad look causing you to grow worried.

"Y/n, you should sit down for this." You had no idea what was going on. What on earth was happening. "Peter Raymond recently resurfaced, and was taken into custody this morning about an hour ago. He resisted arrest and pulled a gun on an officer. He was shot and killed." Your heart hammered in your chest. He was gone. The bastard who killed your husband was gone. Rossi stood walking towards Jj.

A pit grew in your stomach, there was more, something you didn't know.

"8 months ago I made a decision that greatly affected this team. Aaron Hotchner received substantial injuries from the wounds he endured, but his surgery was a success and he was airlifted to an unknown location. His identity was changed in order to keep him safe. But he is alive." 

You couldn't believe your ears. He was alive. Alive? 

Your eyes shot to the door and there he stood. 

Aaron Hotchner. 

You couldn't breathe. 

You couldn't move or speak. 

He was alive, you should be ecstatic.

But you only felt anger.

Your eyes shot to Rossi.

"How dare you." You whispered out, surprising the team. You weren't an angry person, you never yelled at your teammates. But you, you were seething. "How could you do that. You knew he was alive and yet you let me suffer. You watched as I cried day and night. You watched as I let myself go, as I lost myself." You shook your head in anger.

Aaron stepped forward reaching out for you, but you shook your head.

"Dont touch me. Don't fucking touch me." You felt the tears fall down your face. Again. "You left me. You're dead. You're gone. Y-you left." You were shaking and crying and once again Aaron reached out for you, but this time you let him.

He brought you into a crushing hug, holding you like you had begged to be held for months. 

He was here, really here. You could smell and feel and see him. He was really here.

"Y-you bastard. You left me." You whispered desperately as you cried into his shirt. 

The team was quick to disperse. They too were mad at Rossi, and they wanted to reunite with Hotch. But they left you be, at least for now.

Aaron pulled back slightly, looking down at you.

"Sweetheart I'm so sorry. I wish I didn't have to. But he would have killed you and then he would have killed me." He had tears running down his face as well now. But you were so angry at him.

You pushed him away.

"I could have gone with you Aaron. You could have gone into witsec. You didn't need to fake your fucking death Aaron!" You yelled at him. you couldn't even believe you were eating this conversation.

"Y/n please, I'm so sorry." You were mad yeah, but you were so overwhelmingly relieved that it overpowered your anger. "I missed you sweetheart." He whispered out and you broke just a little bit more.

"You bastard. Y-you stupid man." You pulled him back to you and slammed your lips together. "You stupid, stupid man." You gasped out between kisses. 

"I know, I'm so sorry. I love you." He stated after you pulled away.

"I-I love you too." You were sobbing at this point.. "Don't ever do that to me again." He nodded, leaning in to kiss you again.

And you kissed your husband.

Because he wasn't gone. 

He was right here.

And god did it feel amazing to have him back

------------

Thanks for reading! Requests are still open, so ask away! Currently I'm only taking requests from my prompt list, which is right here! School is starting up soon though, so i may not be writing very often, but i will definitely try! Anyways, if you would like to read more of my work, here is my masterlist.

#aaron hotchner x reader #imagine #angst #fluff #reader insert #hotch x reader #aaron hotchner #criminal minds #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds x reader #hotch imagine #aaron hotchner imagine #aaron hotch imagine

[poppy-in-the-woods]

About the famous slap (Or You reap what you sow)

So, this story about Will Smith slapping Chris Rock at the Oscars gala of 2022 reminded me of another story.

A few years ago, when I was around 25, I was a Saturday night out with some friends. We were chilling in front of the club, because it was packed, and then we realize, one people had separated from the group. This guy had been drinking and smoking weed since we gathered at 11 PM, and it was close to 3 AM, so he was beyond wasted.

So he approaches another group of people and says to one of them:

"You look like an asshole".

Mind you, it was not friendly banter, since they didn't know each other. My, at the time friend, had just gone to this other dude and insulted him, and if he was not beaten that night (or at least punched), it was because the other guy's friends stopped him.

And maybe they shouldn't have. I'm a pacifist, but sometimes, a slap on time can prevent future altercations. As us human beings learn better through or failures than through or successes, that would have been a lesson he wouldn't forget.

But he didn't got hit, so whatever lesson he could have learned, either:

A) that you shouldn't drink AND smoke.

B) that you shouldn't drink past certain limits.

C) that you shouldn't go to strangers and insult them.

D) all the above are correct.

He didn't learn it.

What any of that has anything to do with what happened at the Oscars? Well, it's kinda the same... but this time, the culprit got slapped, and hopefully he learned a lesson:

Don't make fun of people's appearance and/or medical conditions.

You reap what you sow, as the old saying goes, and from what I have read (and seen) Chris Rock sowed that slap a long time ago, and now he's reaping.

And maybe it was a bit disproportionate, but sure it was the consequences of his own actions.

As we say in Spain "se están rifando ostias y tienes tú todas las papeletas" which roughly translates as "slaps are being raffled and you have all the ballots".

And these are my two cents, just because this is my blog and I write what I want. And if you don't agree with me, the exit is as free as the entrance was.

PS: While I think Will could have handle this better, I also think Chris should apologize publicly. If you have the balls to make a joke in bad taste in front of a crowd, then have the balls to apologize in front of said crowd.

#poppy's thoughts #oscars 2022 #will smith #chris rock #will slapped chris and now everybody is making memes and talking about the oscars

[rosemarypasta]

➤  pairing : oikawa tooru x female reader (karasuno manager)

➤  chapter warnings : slowburn (?)

➤  summary : You just recently joined the Karasuno boy’s volleyball team as their first year manager. As you grow closer to your teammates, you also unexpectedly grow closer to one of their biggest rivals, Oikawa Tooru

➤ chapter word count: 1515

-ˏˋ chapter five ˊˎ-

FRIDAY

6:50 AM

The day after the practice match with Aoba Johsai, you woke up to a world filled with vibrant spring colors, overjoyed with the outcome of yesterday's match and advancement on your unexpected relationship with the Seijoh captain. At first, you felt irritated at the fact that you had to wake up much earlier than what you're used to before joining the club but, the image of Oikawa popped up in your head which immensely calmed you down and made your heart melt.

You got ready for school in a daze, to the point where you made silly mistakes a high schooler shouldn't make like brushing your teeth with hand soap and nearly going out the door without your bag in your hands. You were thankful that your family members weren't around to see you in the state that you're in and made sure to leave the house as quiet as you possible could, in hopes to not interrupt their sleep.

You walked out the door and began walking towards school but spotted a familiar black haired boy just a few feet away from your house. You rushed to catch up with him and walked to school together for the first time since you two met each other. Kageyama sulked the whole way to school, complaining how he overslept because of how much energy he used up during yesterday's match and how Hinata would probably already be in the gym, giving him the title of today's winner of the morning race the two first years had.

You could barely understand what he was talking about. All you heard was tidbits of words from his rambles like "Hinata", "overslept", and "won. Your head was clouded by your upcoming date and the endless possibilities of how it would play out. So far you haven't even decided on the date and place where it would happen. Oikawa did text you once you reached home but he just made sure you were still down with the whole date idea.

The day went on as usual. Morning practice, lessons, break, lessons, lunch, lessons again and afternoon practice. Days like these go by like a blur when you have someone occupying your mind. During school hours you fiddled your fingers and sat on the edge of your seat, hoping to see a text notification on your phone every time you went to secretly check your phone but nothing came in. You figured since Aoba Johsai is a private school, their cell phone regulations must be tougher than the public school you're currently attending so you tried to soothe your worries and anxiety with that thought, though it did not prevent you from checking every hour you could. At one point in modern literature class, you felt your phone buzz softly through your pocket and you raced to the bathroom after getting permission from Takeda sensei. But to your disappointment, it was only a text from your mother informing you that she'll be out late. You went back to class with heavy shoulders and you sulked the rest of the period, spending the majority of the time with your head buried in your arms on top of the desk.

3:00 PM

The bell rang, dismissing the class from modern literature lessons and you slowly started to pack your bags for practice. You thought it would be nice if they had another practice match for you to watch and distract yourself from Oikawa but alas, it was a normal practice and you were sure you would find yourself spaced out, worrying about Oikawa as you watch the boys practice their serves from the sidelines.

"Y/N, your phone is buzzing." Your golden blonde classmate whispered into your ear, pointing to the vibrating phone on your desk, knowing it would immediately cheer you up from the downcast mood you've been in that she had to endure throughout the day. You averted your gaze from the stack of textbooks that you needed to organize to your phone with Oikawa's name on your screen. You felt like you could scream at the sight of the notification you have anticipated for the whole day but refrained from doing so to the best of your ability.

Oikawa: Are you free on Monday after school? 

You answered the text with no hesitation, your fingers tapped the letters "Y", "E" and "S" immediately and pressed send. You felt your fingers and cheeks were on fire, you clinged onto your phone as you watched Oikawa type in a response. 

Oikawa: 3 PM right? I'll pick you up at school :)

You felt your heart flutter at the sight of his signature smiley face. All your worries from the past handful of hours vanished at the sight of the simple text conversation and a smile crept onto your face until you realized your grave mistake.

You have practice on Monday afternoon.

But it was too late to change the date, you know how busy volleyball players must be, especially for Oikawa since he's the captain of a powerhouse school. You facepalmed yourself at your hastiness in responding to his text like a fool, it was completely your fault and changing the date would make things complicated. What happens if both of your schedules don't match up? Will the date never happen?

You bit your lip as guilt started to consume your conflicted body. Practice happens twice on a daily basis, surely missing one practice session won't hurt. Besides, there's Shimizu and it's not like your role as a first year manager is that significant. They will barely notice your absence.

You finished packing the rest of your things and jogged downstairs to join practice, planning to give your all in hopes that the lingering guilt will soon fade away the more sweat you break that afternoon.

In practice, coach Ukai made everyone practice their blocks, especially the first year middle blockers, Hinata and Tsukishima. You stood out of the court with a notebook in your hand to note the success rate of the blocks, the two brightly colored haired boys had. But of course, you had your phone in your other hand in case anything happens. You watched as Asahi hit a mean spike from the opposite side of the court the middle blockers were and cringed as you saw the ball hit Tsukishima's arm, leaving a raw bright red mark on his pale skin. Asahi stammered his apologies to his taller upperclassmen, "It's fine, please spike another one, Asahi-san." Tsukishima replied as he subtly tried to rub his arm, trying to not make the weak-spirited ace worry. The ace returned to his original position to wait for Sugawara to set a ball to him. 

You felt your phone vibrate against the notebook you were clutching onto and your eyes immediately scanned the screen to read the text that appeared on your screen. You expected a text from Oikawa but to your disappointment, it was just a text from your mother asking you whether you were going to be home late again since she still couldn't believe that you would be committed to going to practice everyday, even though you've already joined the club for two weeks now.

Immersed in your own disappointment, you texted your mother grumpily, not knowing what would hit you in the next few seconds. "Y/N watch out!" You heard Hinata scream your name in terror. You looked up from your phone as you pressed send and was greeted by a volleyball zooming right your way at an astounding speed of eighty miles per hour. Your legs refused to move, as if someone super glued your shoes to the floor. Your eyes filled with panic though all you could do was close your eyes and expect the upcoming pain you were going to have to endure.

You held your breath, waiting for the ball to break your nose but a few seconds have gone by and you didn't feel any pain and instead heard a blunt thud right on the tip of your nose. You slowly opened your eyes to the sight of Tsukishima's hand blocking half of your view. You watched from the seams of his fingers that the volleyball Hinata spiked ferociously ended up hitting his hand instead of giving you an unannounced nose job. The whole room went silent but collectively sighed in relief as they watched the ball slowly come to a stop after rolling on the ground for a while. 

Hinata, Shimizu, Sugawara and Daichi all rushed towards you to check if you were alright, to which you just nodded, overwhelmed with the surplus of attention given to you. You turned your head to the towering blonde to thank him but your eyes met his cold gaze. 

"You may not be a player but we didn't bring you here to just laze around, idiot." He spat though his voice remained monotone. Tanaka and Daichi hit him on his back in ways to scold him for his over exaggerated behaviour but his sharp words still sank deep in your heart.

next: -ˏˋ chapter six ˊˎ-

previous: -ˏˋ chapter four ˊˎ-

#oikawatoru_mondayafternoons #haikyuu!! #haikyuu #oikawa x reader #oikawa toru x reader #oikawa tooru x reader #oikawa toru #oikawa tooru #tooru oikawa #kageyama tobio #kageyama #oikawa #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! x reader #hq #oikawa toru ff #fan fiction #haikyuu!! imagines #haikyuu hc #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu fan fiction #haikyu

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

#rehab #alcoholism #alcohol tw #sam #recovery #sobriety

[lilithsgayadoptednephew]

Holy Hands

Fandoms: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!   Not Rated Graphic Depictions Of Violence F/M, Other Complete Work

Chapter List

Chapter 35

Satan was fine.

He'd never really liked that human anyway. If they were going to leave that was completely understandable. He left Lucifer to his denial and went to focus on more important things.

Luke's messenger bag turned out to be stolen from Simon. Inside were potions and spells and even orders straight from Michael. Luke was a bit embarrassed at having stolen from Simon, but he quickly shook it off with the idea that he was justified because he was a demon now.

Luke was doing that often. Just doing mild crimes because he could. He had stood next to the "no food allowed" sign to eat his lunch even though it didn't seem very comfortable. He'd borrowed a pen from Raphael and never given it back. He was honestly kind of adorable in his hi-jinks.

Satan took the bag to sort out its contents. He laid the miscellaneous items on a table and looked them over. There were plenty of useless things, two gold-wrapped herb bundles, 8 miniature glass vials, 3 scrolls yet to be opened, just to name a few. He couldn't focus on what was important and what wasn't, he was too distracted. Too busy wondering things. Things he shouldn't– didn't care about.

Things like whether or not MC was ok. Why they would go this far with them just to bail at the end. Why they'd ditch them all when it was so unlike them.

Had they ever been sincere? Had all their self-assured words and actions been a ruse and they only now decided to show their true colors?

He shook his head, he had to focus.

The horn might be worth something if they used it right. Perhaps they could call Abaddon for help, especially the sheer numbers of his locust swarm...

What could he have done to make them stay? Did he do something wrong?

Shut up, SHUT UP! He didn't care about the human that ditched them and he didn't care about whether or not he had driven them away...whether or not their friendship was real in the first place.

He was fine.

He sat down heavily and sighed. He could understand the humans unwillingness to fight a Celestial battle, he had no right to expect that kind of sacrifice.

But not even an explanation? Not even a goodbye?

He was often envious of them and their understanding. Their ability to shrug off irritation and always be there and be supportive. To both the brothers and their sister. He often thought of his brothers and how they'd never be so close of not for MC. He thought of MCs relationship to Acacia and how it almost paralleled Lucifer's responsibilities.

Knowing MC, had in a way, helped him understand his strict older brother better.

But they'd just abandoned Acacia to the battle. Abandoned her like an old jacket that no longer fit. Maybe they thought she'd be safer with the brothers, bit it was still unforgivable.

"Hey Satan! Luke sai–" Mammon walked in the room without knocking. He stopped when he saw his younger brother slumped in his chair with the Celestial junk on the table before him. "Woah...you look miserable."

"Well I'm not, what do you want?" Satan snapped, harsh even for him. Mammon approached slowly.

"Hey...are you ok? Did something happen?"

"No"

"Don't make me bother it out of you." Mammon smirked and Satan winced at the threat.

In the past when Mammon wanted to get a secret out of one of his brothers he'd "bother" them until they broke. One time Satan had figured he could outlast Mammon's short attention span and took the challenge. This led to 6 straight days of Mammon persistently telling the same knock knock joke. The punchline was always banana...never orange. And he would continue relentlessly saying 'knock knock' until Satan gave in from exhaustion and said 'whos there'. Leading the endlessly repeating cycle to continue.

"No no bothering, Diavolo's sake." Satan gave in. "Fine...yes something happened." He grumbled. Mammon tossed an arm around his chair.

"Alright, tell big bro all about it. What's troublin' ya?" He said. Satan rolled his eyes so hard he saw into the future and actually witnessed his own death.

"MCs gone" he said. Mammon's whole demeanor shifted to one of fear.

"What? Gone? Who has them I'll kill him!" He growled. Satan just raised his hands to explain.

"They ran away Mammon, they got scared and ditched us."

The room went silent, Mammon's mouth fell open but no words came out. He closed it and opened it to try again, but still nothing. Finally he spoke.

"But...no they… they wouldn't…" his disbelief was fragile, and it broke when Satan gave him a mourning look.

"We shouldn't have expected they'd stay" he said solomnly.

0Mammon was sad. He knew he was expecting a lot and being selfish when he wanted MC to stay with him. He knew he was even more selfish for taking their leave so personally.

But he couldn't help it. He was the Avatar of greed, and he wanted the world and he wanted it to cost nothing. He should've known it would just blow up in his face.

He trudged away from Satan's brooding-room to find Acacia. The least he could do was break the news to her gently, no one else was gonna do it.

He hated feeling like this, but it wasn't the first time. He'd felt this horrid sting of abandonment multiple times before. When his father cast him out for defending Lucifer. When Lucifer got so busy he stopped talking to Mammon, unless of course it was to yell at him.

He knew how to deal with this feeling by now, the key was gratitude.

Gratitude didn't come easily to one so greedy, but he could summon it when he really needed it. To calm his heart and feel whole again. So he thought about it.

He was grateful for those who were still in his life. His brothers, Satan working through denial to give them the best chance of success. Lucifer, working tirelessly for years to keep them together and still managing to have time to flay Mammon for his grades. Acacia, ever-present with a smile and an inappropriately timed joke.

He was grateful for this, but he'd also been grateful for MC before they left. Maybe everything good in his life was destined to leave.

Maybe he just drove people away.

He was just a stupid mammon after all, he couldn't even be an angel right. How was he supposed to focus on anything other than money when they paved the place with gold?

Reaching Acacias nook where she was charging her phone, he cleared his throat.

"Maaaaaaammon!" She called while shaking her head side to side vigorously. Her hair flying wildly around her.

"Acacia I need to tell you something." Good start, good start, but then a chilling thought struck him.

What if she blamed him?

What if he told her this and she thought it was because MC was scared. Because he wasn't enough to protect them. He hadn't been enough during the exchange program or when they were trampled on earth or when they fell on the bridge. It was no wonder they'd run. Acacia looked up at him with wide, expectant eyes and Mammon choked.

He couldn't just turn back now.

"MCs gone." He said in a strangled voice. Acacia tilted her head.

"Gone where?"

"Gone…" he couldn't elaborate. Acacia's curious face suddenly morphed to one of horror.

"They... they're dead?" She sounded disbelieving. Mammon immediately backpedaled.

"No no no they just ran away! They ditched us Acacia."

The human looked at her hands in her lap, her hair obscuring her face. Silently she stood, her shoulders shaking slightly.

Oh no she was crying, he wanted to break this too her gently, but he'd obviously fucked it up.

"Oh hey, Acacia I'm sorry. Don't–" but Acacia didn't listen, she walked slowly to the door. She looked up and Mammon saw she wasn't crying, she was just shaking.

Faster than he thought possible for a human, she slammed her fist into the drywall beside the door, leaving a sizable hole. With a roar of aggravation she threw open the door and stomped down the hall. Leaving a confused and slightly scared Mammon in her wake.

0Acacia was Mad. She had to take a walk and she had to do it now. Her body shook with energy and rage as she power walked through the halls of the hospital.

How dare MC leave? How dare they...they...AAGH!

It was just the day before that Acacia had been panicking over the situation. She always had MC around to help with her anxiety attacks, and it was MC who told her not to be afraid. To trust that they would find a way to get through this.

How dare they run away? After telling her not to fear.

Acacia screamed incoherently and punched the air as she walked. MC had always been there, always promised they'd be there. Then they just left? Without so much as a good bye?

She was fuming so hard as she rounded the corner she almost ran over the small demon walking the other way.

"Hey!" Luke yelled in indignation before seeing Acacia's red faced anger. "Woah, what happened?" Acacia balled her hands into fists.

"MC ditched." She spat. Luke looked at her for a few moments.

"What a fucking meanie" he said a little hesitantly. Acacia blinked. "Yeah I say 'fuck' now" he crossed his arms and tilted his chin up. Obviously thinking himself very cool and edgy. Acacia almost laughed.

"Hell yeah little dude! What an absolute Fucking meanie. You said it." She pumped her fist as her anger turned more into reckless energy. Luke looked very proud at the praise. "You a little sinner now?"

"Yep, and this is just the beginning!" He waved one finger in the air as he spoke. Acacia got a devious idea as she looked at the little trouble-maker-in-progress.

"Wanna go trespass?" She wiggled her eyebrows. Luke hesitated for a moment.

"Yeah?" He said cautiously.

"Alriiiiiight!" Acacia yelled and Luke started getting into it. "Screw everything let's commit property damage."

"Fuck it!" Luke chirped as the two went off to cause mayhem.

0Lucifer was pensive.

He knew MC hadn't ditched him. He knew it in his bones, his skin, his hair follicles. He was so sure they hadn't that he could practically hear MC laughing at the notion.

They were trying to do their job. Some way, somehow, they were gone because they had to be to complete their task. He was not suspicious of their intentions.

But he was afraid.

So many things could happen to them out in the Celestial Realm. So many horrible, inhuman things. Things he couldn't protect them from because he wasn't there, and he didn't know where they were.

He could only trust they could hold their own. They had Liliths bow, and they were smart, creative, alluring to a dangerous degree. And most of all, they were confident. That seems vague, but an unshakable self worth and resilience was the only defense a human could have against the pure aura of an angel. He had seen it when they'd faced Michael on the Petco roof, and he saw it every day when he looked in their eyes and they didn't look away.

If any one could survive out there. It was MC.

#obey me! #obey me fanfic #Holy Hands