#they really.... recorded a sex tape without her consent oh my god
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rose also deserved better
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Love Me Like You Do (Three) (IronHusbands)
Welcome back! Some more soft peeks into adorable TonyRhodey life and then because I literally can’t help myself, sort of a cliff hanger.
IRONHUSBAND MASTERLIST HERE
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(December 2001)
“Tony.” James knocked on the wall so Tony would look up from his computer. “Hey, you got a minute?”
“For the cutest platypus in the world?” Tony was obviously several hours past when he should have gone to bed, his eyes too bright and smile too big and fingers tapping in an anxious rhythm against his legs. “I always have a minute for you. More than a minute. How many minutes do you want, Colonel? You can have them all.”
“Christ, when was the last time you slept?” James ignored the surge of warmth in his chest at Tony promising he could have all his minutes-- sleep deprivation made men say crazy things, right?-- and bent to put his hand on Tony’s forehead, feeling first for a fever, then sliding down to rest against his pulse to make sure his heart was beating steadily.
“Stop that, I’m fine.” Tony batted his hand away, then shook his head and motioned him back in. “Actually, don’t stop it. Come here and do it again.”
“He’s been like this for almost three days.” Ms. Potts spoke up from the corner, her lap piled high with paperwork, looking perfectly put together even though her smile was strained. “Everyone told me holidays with Mr. Stark were the hardest, but I didn’t know they meant hardest on him. He wasn’t this bad last year.”
“No.” James couldn’t resist brushing his knuckles over Tony’s cheek, swallowing when Tony leaned into the touch and closed his eyes. “But this year is ten years since we lost his parents, so its worse than usual.”
“Oh.” Pepper frowned and James knew Tony hadn’t told her yet. “Oh, I don’t know how I didn’t know that.”
“Don’t worry about it.” he shook off her apology. “Tony doesn’t have anything set up in memoriam and when the city tried to do something for the anniversary of their passing, he actually threatened the mayor with physical harm. His exact words were ‘if you fucking force me to relive this every December, I might actually kill you’ and the mayor believed him.”
“Poor Tony.” Pepper murmured. “Well, I’m sure he’s happy to see you? I didn’t know you were coming by or I would have had dinner or--”
“Ms. Potts.” James smiled over at her. “I’ve never had to make an appointment to see Tony, and I’m not going to start now. I don’t expect you to have dinner waiting or have activities lined out, I’m not a client, I’m his best friend.”
“Of course.” Pepper replied smoothly, and then probably just to ruffle his feathers-- “I don’t know what I was thinking, Honeybear.”
“Mmm. Glad that’s catching on.” James stepped closer when Tony started to sway in the chair. “I’ve got him now, why don’t you take off for the night or whatever it is you do?”
“Thank you, I will.” Pepper gathered her various papers and purse and left as quietly as she could and the moment she was gone, James asked--
“Tony?”
“I haven’t taken anything.” Tony mumbled. “I promised you I wouldn’t do that anymore and I haven’t. Ten years clean, it’s something I should be proud of, huh?”
“So just sleep deprived?”
“Can’t close my eyes. Can’t shut it off. Don’t know what to do.”
“Have you had anything to drink?”
“No.”
“Okay, here we go.” James lifted Tony right into his arms, huffing a little because Tony was not as light as he used to be. “We’re just going to lay down on the couch over here and get some sleep, alright?”
“You’ll stay with me?”
“Of course I will.” James put Tony down first and gathered a bunch of blankets. “And after you’ve slept some, I brought you an early Christmas present.”
“Yay.” Tony made grabby hands at James and cuddled close the moment he was able. “What is it?”
“I got us in as guest judges for the NASA Robotics building competition.”
“You did what?!” Tony shrieked and James barely managed to grab him before he flailed right off the couch in near manic excitement. “You did WHAT? Rhodey! Are you serious!?”
“The rules are--” James tucked Tony in a little more firmly. “You aren’t allowed to contribute to anyone’s project like you did when you judged for MIT and you aren’t allowed to throw out projects because the person building it is an asshole, like you also did at MIT. You have to be unbiased and fair and honestly, that’s why I’m going along with you. You get all worked up and ridiculous over robotics, I’ll be there to even you out.”
“What do you mean I can’t contribute?” Tony whined, snuggling even closer until he was plastered into James’s body. “What if my idea will help them win?!”
“Absolutely not.”
“BUT--”
“That’s the rules Tony.”
“God, since you became a Colonel you’re literally no fun.” Tony groaned loudly, but the tension was already leaving his body, his frame settling as three days of overwhelming started to ease with his Rhodey there. “Spoilsport.”
“Brat.” James said affectionately, running his hands in easy circles down Tony’s back and sides as he waited for their breathing to slow and sync up, for Tony’s hold at his shirt to loosen as he slid towards sleep.
“It’s been a long time since Vegas.” Tony whispered, and James felt the sadness well up in his throat, the melancholy what if that struck him whenever he thought about Vegas and the phone call that had gone unanswered because Tony had been partying too hard. They hadn’t connected for weeks after that, James finally calling just to check in and Tony had been hilarious and upbeat and neither of them had said anything about what had happened there in the penthouse suite.
The next kiss they shared was at Fourth of July, with fireworks exploding over the Malibu house and Tony had tasted like those awful red white and blue popsicles and a healthy amount of vodka and they hadn’t talked about Vegas then either.
And life had moved on like it always did, Tony was busy and James was busy and the holidays were spent at Ma Rhodes house where alcohol wasn’t allowed and Tony had fallen asleep on the couch in the den like he’d done most Christmas’s since he was seventeen and they certainly didn’t talk about Vegas then, not at Ma Rhodes’s house.
And New Years Eve wasn’t the time for a talk, right? Valentines Day was too romantic and awkward, Tony’s birthday had come and gone with a quick phone call because James was over seas with the Air Force, and James’s birthday had been a quiet affair where Ma made chili and cornbread and Tony had landed his private helicopter on the street to bring him the ugliest pair of pajamas in the history of ever and they had laughed and laughed... and not talked at all.
“It’s been a long time since Vegas.” James said with a quiet sigh. “Are you going back for your birthday again this year?”
“Nah. Thirty two doesn’t seem like as great a birthday as thirty did.” Tony’s voice dropped again, nearly asleep now. “And it’s not that fun without you....”
“Hm.” James kissed Tony’s cheek very very gently, and settled in to the couch for however long Tony would need to sleep to recover.
Their lives took different paths these days, alot more than they used to, and more and more often they went months without even talking, much less seeing each other and that was just how life was.
They were close and then they weren’t, but they always came back around together and James brushed the messy curls back from Tony’s eyes and held him a little closer and just let himself be glad that they’d come back around for this moment.
***************
***************
(2006)
From Tony: You’re in New York, right?
From Rhodey: Sure am, Tones. What’s going on?
From Tony: I need someone to watch my sex tape with, come over and bring pizza.
From Rhodey:.. I don’t...
From Rhodey:...what in the...
From Rhodey:..start over.
From Tony: I need someone to watch my sex tape with, come over and bring pepperoni pizza.
From Rhodey: Okay that cleared something up but not the important something. Why are you watching your own sex tape?
From Rhodey: Why do you HAVE a sex tape?
From Rhodey: Forget I asked that, I already know the answer. Why are you inviting ME over to watch your sex tape?
From Tony: I need someone to watch it with
From Rhodey: You so don’t.
From Tony: And you’re my bestie so it’s sort of your job.
From Rhodey: it so isn’t.
From Tony: You’re really gonna make me watch this by myself?
From Rhodey: There is an option you’re forgetting about Tones. The option to not watch it at all.
From Tony: We’re way past that.
From Rhodey: Christ
From Rhodey: Do you want breadsticks?
From Tony: ALWAYS.
“I want it put on the official record that I objected strenuously to this!” James yelled as he came through the door of the New York apartment. “Tony? I objected strenuously!”
“Noted and noted.” Tony came bouncing down the stairs to meet him, a bottle of beer well on it’s way to being empty before he put it down, hooking an arm around James’s neck and dragging him in for a kiss. “Good to see you, sour patch. It’s been a few months.”
“Yeah, yeah it sure has.” More out of habit than anything, James gave Tony a quick once over, seeing if he looked too tired or if he was just barely tipsy or full on drunk yet, or if he’d put on any weight. “You look good, Tones.”
“I got a new tailor.” Tony did a quick spin in his no doubt over priced shoes, showing off the fit of his pants. “April introduced me.”
“April?” James opened the pizza box and started dividing the pieces onto plates. “Don’t you mean Summer? Weren’t you dating Summer?”
“Hell if I know.” Tony crammed an entire breadstick into his mouth. “Oh don’t look at me like that Rhodey. She was named after one of the seasons.”
“Not great, Tones.” he scolded lightly and Tony shrugged it off. “So which season made a sex tape of you without your consent?”
“Uh no, this was Shania from last summer.” Tony waved him over towards the couch in the living room. “Remember her? Red head, singer, smoking hot?”
“Vividly.”
“Yeah, well apparently she was also an aspiring film maker and decided to try and blackmail me with this little gem.” Tony turned on the TV and flopped on the couch. “But Ms. Potts is sort of terrifying and I never even heard about it until after it had been handled and dismissed and I literally had to steal this out of Pepper’s trash can so I could watch it.”
“And the reason you’re watching it is...?” James settled himself on the other end of the couch, putting the pizza and breadsticks between them.
“Pure morbid curiosity.” Tony ripped the top off another beer. “Haven’t you ever wondered what you look like doing this sort of thing?”
“Not ever.” James shook his head. “Literally not ever, Tones Regular people don’t wonder that.”
“Well regular people aren’t half as fun as me.” Tony retorted and hit play on the grainy video.
“Oh, this isn’t terrible.”
“Not yet it isn’t. Nice pick on the hotel room, where is that?”
“Little bed and breakfast in Vermont. Cute place.”
“Wow, she really was hot.”
“Yeah. She was smoking-- oh GOD that is not a good view!”
“MY EYES! MY EYES!”
“Okay that’s rude, it wasn’t that bad of a shot. Don’t throw up your pizza or anything.”
“From the back and up junk shot is never good, Tones. Not on porn stars, not on us regular types either.”
“Noted and noted.”
“Look at you go. Did she sound like that for real or was she faking?”
“Uh that was during my tongue ring phase, so I’m pretty sure it was real.”
“You’re tongue ring... never mind. I don’t want to know.”
It was fifteen minutes into the less than professional film that James noticed Tony staring at him rather than the screen, and over the sound of on-screen Tony moaning, asked-- “What’s up, Tones. Am I hogging the pizza?”
“No.” Tony actually sounded nervous and James looked up in surprise.
“What’s up, then?”
“Can I um-- can I--” It wasn’t very often that Tony Stark didn’t have words, but he certainly didn’t seem to have them this time as he inched down the couch until he was nearly at James’s lap, his hand landing precariously north of the knee. “Rhodey, you’re--”
James was hard in his pants, of course he was. It was naked people after all, a beautiful girl and Tony who-- despite the earlier laughter-- was beautiful too and naked on the screen and moaning and breathing hard and making all sorts of noises that James had only heard once, only once in Vegas and--
“Christ.” his head thumped back at that first light touch and when Tony leaned up for a slow kiss and then bent down to use his mouth for something else all together James’s entire world narrowed down to the feel of Tony’s tongue and the way Tony’s hair felt between his fingers before everything whited out with pleasure.
He spent the night that night, the terrible sex tape forgotten in favor of watching Top Gun for the eight hundredth time, Tony sat squarely on James’s lap for the movie as they drank and laughed and shared kisses and then they fell into bed together, too tired and a little too drunk to much of anything but it was still good, so good to be close again.
And in the morning when James woke up to Tony pillowed on his chest--“Was getting me over to watch your sex tape just some nefarious plan to get me in bed?”
“Nefarious?” Tony sounded completely offended. “What sort of person do you think I am!”
“Well--”
“Comment withdrawn, don’t you dare answer that.”
*******************
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(2008)
“I’m just saying, would it have killed you to actually be present for an award that I was giving you?” James asked, exasperation and a little hurt leaking into his tone. “Twenty years we’ve been friends and you’d rather gamble and let Stane take your speech then show up to shake my hand?”
“Don’t get your feelings hurt, Rhodey.” Tony patted him on the shoulder, then grabbed onto his shoulder when he swayed. “Man, I’m getting too old to drink like this. Listen, if it makes you feel better, you can present the award to me here in my hotel room again and we can pretend like there are people watching.”
“Tony--”
“No no I’m serious, I’ll turn on a soundtrack of people clapping.” Tony started laughing, high and a little anxious and James bit back whatever retort he was ready to say and instead asked, “Tony, are you okay? You aren’t-- are you nervous about Afghanistan? About the weapons presentation?”
“A little bit.” Tony barely made it to the hotel bed, flopping back on the pillows and staring up at the ceiling. “You gonna stay with me tonight, Rhodey?”
“No.” James wanted to stay, god he wanted to stay, they hadn’t had more than a few grabbed dinners and long phone calls since the night of the sex tape and he missed Tony in a way he didn’t know it was possible to miss someone.
But, “No.” he said again. “I’ve got work to do before we get on the jet tomorrow. This is a big deal for me too, Tones. This Jericho Missile--”
“--will change everything, I know.” Tony interrupted, and he sat up on the bed, looking far less drunk than he had just a minute previous. “Rhodey, the Jericho could change everything, do you know that? I mean, do you see? This might be the last missile I have to design, the last big piece of tech I have to work on.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means--” Tony huffed a laugh, ran a hand through his already tousled hair. “It means that um-- listen, Rhodey. Vegas was a long time ago, right? A long time ago.”
“Yeah, like eight years.” James swallowed hard, not sure where the conversation was going. “Why?”
“Because it’s kinda bullshit that it’s been that long?” Tony scratched at his goatee, looking everywhere but at James’s eyes. “And I know that it’s probably my fault. I’m busy as hell and you’re busy and for being best friends we sure go a long time in between talking to each other or seeing each other and I’m saying that if everything with the Jericho goes well, maybe we won’t have to do that anymore.”
He waited a beat and then emphasized, “We won’t have to wait so long in between times because I-- I won’t have a whole lot to do anymore. Willingly. Willingly won’t have a whole lot to do anymore. My life is going to calm way down, won’t have anything going on and maybe we’ll finally have time that isn’t just stealing the occasional liquored up kiss.”
James was quiet, silent, stunned because he hadn’t expected-- he had never expected--
“I’m drunk so you don’t believe me.” Tony laughed and it was bitter and sort of awful. “That’s fine. Ask me again when I’m sober and I’ll say the same thing, alright? We should just-- we should just see. After Afghanistan.”
“After Afghanistan.” James repeated numbly. “We’ll talk-- we’ll talk then.”
“Sure.” Tony kicked off his shoes, threw an arm over his face. “See you in the morning?”
“Yeah, I’ll see you in the morning.”
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Riverdale, “Chapter Twenty-Five: The Wicked and the Divine”
Jughead has seen more “mob movies” than I have, so I can’t verify his “classic trope,” but he’s speaking my language
I found Archie’s Devil Wears Prada errand-montage zippy and playful, much like Hiram Lodge himself
especially the direction of the construction guy’s arm clapping Archie’s shoulder to add movement to the swerving transition (not a technical term) as he steps into the trailer
Hiram’s soft V-neck sweater is, I assume, cashmere
Veronica’s look is so inseparable from collars and pearls that she has a collar made of pearls sewn into her dress
RAS wanted a Veronica-confirmation episode, so by God, he is getting one, and Veronica’s age be damned! Hiram and Hermione wanted “the same monsignor” from Veronica’s baptism, who I guess has been on leave at the Vatican for five years okay!
Archie wants to know if Veronica will have “to memorize stuff”
Veronica’s confirmation sponsor is her grandmother, which is par for the course, as is volunteering at a soup kitchen for her like 8 hours of required community service. I also had to write a report on Saint Lucy and pray a rosary in front of an abortion clinic. Veronica probably won’t have to do that, since you can’t say abortion on Riverdale
do soup kitchens have any actual paid employees, or are they all stocked with kids who just need volunteer hours/Matthew Goode’s character from The Good Wife in his spare time wearing that blue sweatshirt to characterize him as being “just that nice”?
Hiram is such a fucking soap opera star when he says Veronica has made him “the happiest father ALIVE.” like, alive?
“ISN’T SHE A MIRACLE?”
on FP’s kitchen table is the same kind of half-gallon of milk that Jughead was drinking from the morning after his birthday party. the Andrewses kept a spare half-gallon of skim milk just for Jughead in their fridge? the nicest thing Fred ever did for him
Jughead doubts it: Jughead is VERY sassy with Sheriff Keller and FP loves it!!!! because Jughead can have an anti-authoritarian ’tude WITHOUT NECESSARILY being “a gang member” at that particular moment!
FP is so crisp and put together! FP looks GREAT! what up though, Gladys?
wow I can’t believe Jughead’s article wielded so much political power that its legal ramifications echo throughout the entire episode, as if Jughead were Nellie Bly
“CAN I GET A QUOTE?” this is the Jughead that FP plainly adores
Jughead and Betty both drink skim milk, so, their wedding will be soon
are men on webcams actually fool enough to ask the webcam girls if they can MEET IN REAL LIFE? I have no knowledge about this world, but I would imagine the answer would be “Have you ever seen a film, ever?”
50 Shades of Betty: Betty looks pretty great in that severe black fucking wig and I still want an apology from Chuck specifically about dissing the wig
“Catholic chic” means veils optional, like the stole in black tie
What damn high school in America: Jughead doesn’t have to wear the preppy Lodge uniform, I see? shame
Best costume bit: Betty’s heart sweater is possibly my favorite thing she’s ever worn. I want it BADLY
ARE YOU TELLING ME HIRAM LODGE WANTS TO SUE A HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER?
“DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER”? IS THERE SOMETHING HE WROTE THAT WASN’T TRUE? ARE YOU ~NOT~ BUILDING BOWLING ALLEYS ON NATIVE AMERICAN LAND? I will fucking suit up and be Jughead’s lawyer on this. as has been demonstrated, I have seen every episode of The Good Wife and can probably practice law in Illinois (for instance I know that in Illinois you only need one-person consent to secretly record a conversation)
I love Betty and Jughead being in the same room, of course, but Betty’s gentle, poking “And...did you?” is EXCEPTIONALLY cute. Betty is so cute. and sometimes scary
Jughead’s least clueless moment of the season so far is him looking back knowingly at Betty when she says maybe he would do it to “avenge Toni’s grandfather”
“WE’RE PALS.”
Jughead kind of looks great leaning against the window. like the lighting or something. God, please let me one day see the two of them making out with Betty in her cheerleading uniform
okay, I thought Betty and Jughead, IT WAS IMPLIED, had already had sex, because I was shown them waking up together after they had slept together in the trailer. apparently they LITERALLY slept together. APPARENTLY THEY HAVE NOT HAD SEX YET. I should have known, from the sleeper biceps, that Jughead was still pining IN THIS WAY, FOR THAT! I should have KNOWN Betty had not RIDDEN JUGHEAD INTO THE SUNSET YET. fuck! what am I doing!
Every triangle has three corners, every triangle has three sides: I also emotionally defend Betty’s ecru lie about not having “done anything” with anyone since the breakup since, as one will recall, immediately after her and Archie’s kiss they stared in horror at each other and have not talked about it since, thus cancelling it out as a real kiss (this is also a statute of Illinois law)
Hermione Lodge has some sort of skinny gold Lothlórien belt on over her deep merlot blazer
Archie > Dawson: Archie is sweet when he apologizes for making Pop double-check the order: “It’s more to make sure I get everything right.”
Archie hears Pop’s slip about Hiram being “the boss,” but other things happen and he FORGETS! at what inopportune time will he remember? when he’s physically embracing Jughead Jones?
although couldn’t Pop just play it off like Hiram is Archie’s boss? think on your feet, Pop
for the record I love Agent Adams and his whole deal. his plan is so insane that it might be brilliant. I just do still wish he were being played by either Sterling K. Brown or Max Greenfield
he doesn’t appreciate Archie’s attitude: “Is there a problem?” yeah, uh, Archie’s like twelve years old and not a trained undercover field agent? I love this stupid shit
oh, everyone’s being evicted from Sunnyside? if only Jughead hadn’t driven the southside’s only lawyer out of town with Kenickie Murdoch’s switchblade
OH MY GOD HERMIONE’S PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
according to everyone’s facial expressions, Veronica is under the impression she is doing good political maneuvering inviting the McCoys to her confirmation, Hermione is stunned she did so, Veronica really wanted to sing a solo, and Josie doesn’t know why she has to fucking apologize for anything
Josie being Veronica’s “gift” from Mayor McCoy is horrifying
Sixth period is Intro to Film: Cruel Intentions is a fantastic Catholic standard, containing as it does cocaine, “experimental” girl-on-girl French kissing, Ryan Phillippe’s ass, the line “I'm the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side and sometimes I want to kill myself,” and implied step-sibling fucking, all of which I think Riverdale should include more of
the blue and red lighting inside the Wyrm is still nice. does the Wyrm even count as a dive? strippers probably wouldn’t waste their time at dives
wow there are some true beards in this crowd
okay…..the idea that Tall Boy is a better suspect than Jughead…...because he’s physically taller…..is singularly the most fantastic thing…..I have ever heard…..
I’ve seen Brick like thirty times: the sound of Archie shifting on the leather of Hiram’s couch is real good
“I RESPECT A MAN WHO WOULD GO TO SUCH EXTREMES.” HIRAM PLEASE!!!!! ARCHIE IS TOO DUMB FOR THIS!!!!!!
Gay?!: Ben? who the fuck is Ben? who is BEN? who the fuck?
OH MY GOD Jughead got in to see the mayor AGAIN! is Ethel Muggs her secretary???
Jughead interrupted Mayor McCoy eating her salad at her desk
for like the third time in the series she says she’s “always liked” Jughead, which, fat lot of good that’s done him
in Riverdale there is a red uniform at the soup kitchen, because even THE POOR must abide by aesthetics
Archie doesn’t know what cutting cigars means
Archie’s shoulders are nice under that polo
Betty’s plan about “treat it like a missing person’s case” and making it like this snooping Blue and Gold intrigue thing is of course welcome as a pretense for the two of them working together (on the show’s part), but in reality it’s just the fucking bare minimum that THE AUTHORITIES should ALREADY BE FUCKING DOING THEMSELVES
at this point I went to bed and had a very gripping, sexy dream about Veronica and Jughead. Veronica and Jughead
“Damn good coffee”: Hiram floating having to “bring Archie in” on the Lodge Family Tammany Hall is only slightly less absurd than the Federal Bureau of Investigation having already done so. what does Archie need to be brought in on, exactly? he’s just Veronica’s arm candy. he barely knows what a cigar is
while it is STILL ODD that Veronica has done a 180 on her accepting her father’s criminality, she still holds Archie up as a beacon of goodness, because, like I said, shoulders, polos
Jughead’s “order of the Ophidians” as he tapes up the Missing poster is either, so far as I can tell, an extremely obscure MMORPG reference or he’s just calling them snakes, but like, in Latin
Penny didn’t die of gangrene from her blistering wound like on the Oregon trail? probably a plus
FP is in some deep pain here. this is so far beyond his worst fears about Jughead joining the Serpents that he like never even fucking considered—I NEVER FUCKING CONSIDERED IT, IT WAS FUCKING RIDICULOUS
I certainly don’t think Penny’s terms are like, PARTICULARLY OUT OF LINE
ooooh Jughead’s little snipe at his father for fridging Jason!
I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH “YOU WILL BE THE DEATH OF US,” THE ANGUISHED REALIZATION IN FP’S EYES, GLADYS STAY AWAY!!!!!
I can’t believe the sixth season of The Wire takes place in Riverdale and doesn’t even have Sonja Sohn playing Agent Adams
Alice’s angel wing-white Founding Father blouse and Betty’s textured peach sweater
Hal is REALLY skittish about Chic, considering that HE’S HIS SON, SO FAR AS WE KNOW. but Hal hordes important information until the bitter end, so he probably just knows some shit
The Blossom Whoever the fuck’s spawn: “He’s a stranger. That’s my beef.”
“It’s been ~some time~ since my last confession” is usually the most accurate clocking I could give as well
I love the very dangerous clusters of candles inside the confessional
These students are legally children: NO ONE is helping Veronica. Veronica is trying to “find her thing” like, in the dark, lit by votive candles
I loved the circle of beautiful mob wives drinking wine and talking about how praying to “the Almighty” for “forgiveness” makes them feel better #aspirational
Hiram isn’t fucking around with Mr. Man “disrespecting Pop Tate.” Pop Tate is an angel, doing his best out here in a chaotic world. his poutine is probably great!
Archie’s stuck using the wrong kind of plunger
Poppa Poutine says Hiram lost his “mojo” in “the joint”
is Poppa right? is Hiram weak? if you subtract the Andrews boys, he doesn’t seem to have any problems
The 2001 Josie and the Pussycats movie was a masterpiece: Josie is back with killer witchy earrings, a lovely dress, and a fierce hold on the remainder of her personal agency
of course it’s “Bitter Sweet Symphony” but with harps. you know the Verve doesn’t get any royalties from that song? are the Rolling Stones the worst band in the world?
I LIKE THE SWOOSH FROM LARRY OR WHOEVER AND POPPA BACK TO ARCHIE WATCHING THEM
the back of the church is bathed in purple, the altar is yellow, the monsignor is in BRIGHT PALM SUNDAY RED, and this is what church should have always been like
Fwoopy hair is the best hair: Hermione’s strong-shouldered structured white jacket is amazing and Jughead forgoed his hat, to be respectful
Cheryl’s a chaos angel from hell: slightly strangely, Cheryl isn’t there at all this episode, but what we are truly robbed of is seeing what she would have worn to the confirmation
Veronica has a SUPER-SWEET very light pink/purple manicure!
Summer + Blair = Veronica: you better believe when Veronica was asked if she renounced Satan I was like, IS SHE GOING TO LOOK AT HER FATHER AND STORM OUT OF THAT CHURCH????? I THOUGHT SHE MIGHT!!!!!
instead I got an amazing thematic light show about Veronica choosing to believe in Archie’s unflagging internal compass and following his light (“the light of the Lord”!)
HE GIVES HER A TINY HAPPY NOD WHILE SHE’S THINKING, LIKE “YEAH BABE I KNOW YOU RENOUNCE SATAN!!!!!”
Veronica was rich: Veronica does look like a fucking angel up there
wow, Dilton isn’t DJing the afterparty? weird
why are Betty and Archie standing together AT ALL?
Abuelita is 100% right about pinching Archie’s cheek and Archie goes with it because he is respectful
Jughead eats: Jughead is so tormented he neglects the buffet!!!!!!
Jughead’s suit is very nice. I like the progression of his wearing better and better suits
Betty takes the news of Jughead’s CONFESSION that he “cut” Penny pretty stoically, as she did boil a guy once
POOR JUG IS RIGHT, IT DIDN’T EVEN MATTER!
Closed Captioning tells me the junkyard guy’s name is “JUNKYARD STEVE,” MY MAN
“If only we lived in a town where the answer could be no.”
Sexy, aesthetic Southside: Jughead in his leather jacket OVER HIS SUIT JACKET is pretty good!
“BY ANY CHANCE WAS THIS GENTLEMAN TALL?” OH MY GOD!!!! CASE FUCKING CLOSED BOYS!!!!!!!
Hermione hauling Veronica back for the photographer
Archie looking up from behind the closing art deco elevator doors
The female gaze: Archie is of course so handsome and perfectly proportioned in his suit. his handsomeness is such a given that I take it wholly for granted, like how when not suffering an allergy attack I can breathe from both nostrils but when one hits and I’m sneezing up my guts I’m like, air coming in from both nostrils? true bliss, I’ll never forget it again
God, did he get rid of his tailored cranberry Blossom suit? not the WORST crime committed in Riverdale, but probably worthy of eviction
Fifth period is AP English: as @hangingonyourwords noted, Archie knowing the word “coup” is VERY surprising! GOOD, ARCHIE
Hiram Lodge is, I think, listening to that song from Carmen while pouring himself a stiff drink, the massive Rory Gilmore portrait of Veronica over one shoulder and the blue light of an antipodean sea streaming in over the other, using a rotary phone to call in A MURDER
Tall Boy having to suffer interrogation by Jughead, whom he surely must have always despised, is his final indignity
Jughead calls Betty “one of us,” which has not been given enough fanfare by ANYONE in the show! Betty is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT as much a Serpent as Jughead, unless Jughead’s mother is a Serpent, except that she hasn’t had to shout their stupid rules into someone’s face yet
I’m writing a scene where it’s gay.: “YOU HAVEN’T ANSWERED MY SON’S QUESTION.”
the poor Serpents have been twisted around rich northsiders’ fingers for so long that they don’t have any fucking idea what to be doing when NOT at the behest of a blackmailer or bribery. I don’t know what it means to be a Serpent except that it means you’re poor and comely. and VERY civic-minded
“You’re a Judas, Tall Boy. And an idiot.”
Gay.: Sweet Pea raises both his arms to vote
FP’s gonna run Tall Boy out of town. a word of advice: one town over is not far enough
hell, Archie’s seen all those mob movies too! he and Jughead must’ve watched them together while Jughead was sleeping in his bedroom
Archie’s speech to Veronica is GOOD, ARCHIE, and what Veronica gets out just reinforces my thought that Hiram is literally starting a second town under Mayor McCoy’s nose, which would concern me expect that it has been definitely shown that even after things are executed on Riverdale I confuse myself and am invariably exactly wrong
I would probably kiss Archie too if he looked at me like that and said “I’m with you,” which I think explains Betty
HAHAAAAAAAAAAA OKAY!!!!!! SOMETHING IN THE WATER IN FP’S TRAILER
Jughead’s suspenders? a startling plus!
I like the quietness of “Maybe we can ask Veronica on Monday.” it reminded me of Archie’s face-saving some-other-time-definitely promise to go to the library with Jughead
“Maybe we should just investigate quietly until we know more.”
BLESSED BE THE CHILDREN and Jughead’s brusque scoff at himself for saying “my darkness”
in a move that the last few episodes haven’t shown him as having enough sense to make, Jughead puts his hand, not on Betty’s hand, but directly on the skirt of her dress
also Jughead knows that dress zippers have a point where you think it’s gone all the way down but really you’ve got a little further to go otherwise you can’t get the waistline over the hips? Jug’s got a little bit of game going on!
I like the silhouette of Jughead’s Adam’s apple
while Jughead is doing an excellent job delicately checking in with Betty’s sacral chakra, with his bare hand, I don’t want to overlook either his own gently crossed ankles as he holds her or his AMAZING SOCKS
when Betty tells him she needs to tell him something, he EXHALES a “What?” before he says “What is it?” WHOOP
she is missing a pretty sick meatloaf or pork of some more at her mother’s dinner table
I didn’t think there was a physiognomically scarier white guy around than Chic himself, but I was wrong!!!! it’s definitely that guy at the door!!!!!!
oh shit, Archie sort of got somebody (else) killed. this is like when Jughead didn’t mean to but definitely got somebody’s face beaten in by Tall Boy and Serpent Baby—holy shit what happened to that kid!!!! where did Serpent Baby go???
Certified pedigree: OKAY SENDING THE STATUE HEAD TO HIRAM LODGE VIA A CONFIRMATION “PRESENT” TO HIS DAUGHTER IS A PRETTY GREAT MOVE. I ASSUME THIS WAS YOU, FP JONES. FP IS REALLY GOOD AT PUTTING WORDLESS THREATENING MESSAGES INTO BOXES
in the shot bingo of Riverdale, the middle box would have to be Betty coming through her front door and pausing because she hears something suspicious
Mädchen Amick, MÄDCHEN AMICK: the squishy sound effect of the rags on the wet floor? her perfect hair? her bright blue turtleneck? “Elizabeth, did you lock the front door?” Alice is already three steps ahead!!! Alice Alice Alice!!!!!
Alice and FP have now both cleaned up somebody else’s murder’s cranial blood (I’m assuming Chic clocked this guy, which means it was probably Melody), further proof they belong together
Please protect Betty: Betty fucking Jughead probably saved her life
Next week: Cheryl shoots a bow and arrow!!! into my heart!!!!!!!!!
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Faking It
“Faking It” David sits in the council chamber with Reinhardt, Abby, and Shay. Shay, “We’re taking a number of troops off of the Ammon border, and I need to know what to do with them.” Reinhardt, “We’re sending them to the Gath front, obviously.” David, “I’m a little hesitant about that. Is Gerald gonna see that as some sort of escalation?” Reinhardt, “We can’t operate out of fear of angering Gerald.” David, “Yeah, I know, it’s just, he’s gonna react to this, so we need to do it carefully.” Shay, “With the forces re-distributed along the front, we have enough to fight back if he decides to attack us.” David, “The goal is to get him to not attack us.” Abby, “That’s what I’m here for.” Reinhardt, “Gath’s army is still hurting from the failure of the CrossGen contract. They were counting on continued manufacturing, and they’re scrambling to make up the gap with what little resources they have.” David, “That’s good to know.” Reinhardt goes on, “Also, Gath isn’t immune from the David effect.” David raises his eyebrows in curiosity. Reinhardt, “Our sources are reporting a sharp increase in talk of a resistance to King Gerald. The people want and end to the war, too, and they want their rights.” David, “Okay, well, I guess that’s good.” He looks at his watch, “We gotta wrap this up, I’ve got a lunch thing to get to.” Shay, “Ooh, what’re we eating?” David, “Sushi, I think.” Abby, “Nice.” Reinhardt, “What is this?” Shay, “You aren’t invited.” David, “Something for the AFG.”
In Jack and David’s apartment, Shay stuffs her face, “Fuck yeah, sushi!” Everyone else is there, enjoying lunch. Monique speaks up, “I brought you all here because in case you haven’t noticed, renovations to the palace are almost done, and we have a few decisions to make.” David, “What kind of decisions?” Monique, “We’ve got a story to tell. How are we gonna tell it?” David, “I answered all the questions at Council, and I talked to Elite, what more good will digging around in the past do?” Monique, “You answered questions and talked about the future. The AFG hasn’t had its story coherently told from start to finish. Not yet.” David, “So what do you want to do?” Monique, “I had the idea of using the re-opening of the palace. We can create an exhibition of photos and objects that tell the story.” David, “Like a museum?” Abby, “I like the idea.” Asher, “Yeah, me, too.” David, “What do we even have? It’s not like we were able to keep souvenirs.” Monique, “We don’t need much, we just have to tell the story.” Jack, “I have pictures.” Michelle, “90% of the pictures you took are of David taking his shirt off.” Monique, “See we’ve already got ways of getting people to come and see it.” David, “I’m just not sure I see the point.” Monique, “We have to tell the story before someone else does. We’ve got a rare opportunity and we need to take advantage of it.” David, “So what are we gonna say? That the war was awesome and we all had a party?” Monique, “You do want you people to think of you as a brave and inspiring leader, right?” David, “Yeah, I guess.” Joel, “You guess?” David, “I just don’t want this to end up being like that movie they made about Silas.” Monique, “We won’t be achieving that level of bullshit, but we’re gonna make you look good. Why are you so afraid of looking good?” David hesitates to answer, and then his phone buzzes. He takes it out of his pocket and looks at it, “Shit.” Monique, “What?” David, “Rose wants to see me right now, and she says to bring Asher and Abby.” Abby, “Can’t we finish lunch first?” David, “I’ll go see what it is,” he looks at Monique, “I trust you to do a good job with this, just figure it out for me, okay?” He gets up and leaves.
David goes into Rose’s office, “What is it?” Rose stands at her desk, “Where are Asher and Abby?” David, “We were having lunch, they’re still up there.” Rose, “They’ll want to hear this.” The presses a button on her phone, and a recording plays: the fuzzy sound of thunder, followed by David’s muffled voice, “That doesn’t sound like the fucking woods to you?!” David, “What is that?” Rose, “A recording of you having a panic attack during a thunderstorm and Asher and Abby trying to calm you down.” David, “God damn it, I knew that fucking place was bugged!” Rose, “So you know where this was made?” David, “The apartment where they stuck us in Gath. I fucking knew Gerald was gonna do something if we started moving troops to the Gath front, I just didn’t think it would be this fast.” Rose, “Does he have anything else on you that might be compromising?” David, “Nothing much happened in the apartment, mostly just being bored and lonely and wondering how to get out.” Rose, “What about the girl?” David, sheepishly, “That was after Gath.” Rose, “You’ve been up-front about your experience with PTSD and how you’ve treated it. The only thing that makes this a real problem is where it came from. What about the first time you spent in Gath?” David, “In the hotel?” Rose, “What am I going to hear if that place was bugged, too?” David, “Me and Jack doing a lot of thing you won’t want to listen to.” Rose, “A young couple in love, then.” David, “If Gerald has something of me and Jack, wouldn’t he have already tried sending it to Silas?” Rose, “I don’t know of anything like that.” David, “Yeah, I know, but Silas kept things from you. Keeping secrets was kind of his thing.” Rose, “It’s going to take a lot more than a sex tape to harm your reputation, David. My guess is Gerald is just trying to rattle you. Like he always does.” David, “Crap.”
David drops by Reinhardt’s office, “Did Gerald ever send Silas a recording of me and Jack uh… doing things?” Reinhardt stares up at David, an eyebrow raised. David, “There’s this recording of me having a panic attack that’s been put online, it’s from when I was in Gath. If Gerald has footage of me freaking out, he probably has more.” Reinhardt, “Yeah, he did, actually. I saw it.” David, “Son of a bitch!” Reinhardt, “All it really reveals is that you’re a good boy with no weird kinks and a big dick.” David, sarcastic, “Great. Well, at least I can be prepared when it leaks.”
David goes back up to lunch. Abby, “What was that?” David sits down, “Our apartment in Gath was definitely bugged. There’s a recording of me having a panic attack that’s going around online. Which means the Royal Hotel was also probably bugged, so if any of you were doing some weird shit there, now’d be the time to come forward.” Abby, “Oh my god, I’ve never been more grateful to have not been getting laid.” Shay, “Define weird shit.” Joel, “If you have to have it defined, you’re probably good.” Jack, “What about us?” David, quietly, “I’ll tell you about it later.” Abby, “Are you saying you two have a fucking sex tape?!” David, “It was filmed without our consent, and I haven’t seen it, but Reinhardt says it exists.” Michelle, “Oh, great, now you can tell your citizens that you truly keep no secrets from them.” David, “Shut up, or I will have you arrested for treason!” He looks apologetically over at Jack, who smiles and laughs. Jack, “Sounds hot.” Michelle, “I always figured Jack would have a sex tape leak, at least it’s one with you and not some random girl.” Joel, “If they leak it, we’ll all make our own in solidarity.” Asher, “No we won’t.” Monique, “I’m pretty sure you’re the first king to have this particular problem. Just another way you’re making history. We’ll put it in the exhibition.” David, “Oh, come on!” Abby, barely able to contain herself, “Do you know what this means?” David, dreading the answer, “What?” Abby, “Gerald has seen your balls.” Everyone cackles with laughter. David, “SHUT UP!” Abby, “He’s seen my tits! Before long he’ll have seen all of us naked!” Shay, “We should do a group portrait.” David, “Shut the fuck up!” Jack laughs. David glances over at him, “At least you’re laughing.” Jack, “It’s funny!” David, “No it’s not! It means someone was watching and listening to everything we did in that room! We talked about a lot of really personal stuff.” Michelle, “David, you’re royalty now. You don’t have a personal life anymore.” Monique, “Which brings me back to why this exhibition is important. It’s not often that you get to control how your personal life gets displayed. What do you want people to know?” David sighs, “I dunno. I need to think about it.” Monique, “Well, think about it quickly. We’re on a deadline.” Michelle, “I want to include Dad’s story- Dad’s real story, with Seth and Kathleen.” Jack chimes in, “Yeah.” Monique, “Smart idea. I think the starting place is pretty obvious: the picture of you blowing up the tank, and then the picture of you stopping the attack in Damascus.” David, “I hate that picture.” Monique, “It’s kind of iconic.” David, “What happened in Damascus was fucking horrible, why would I want to prop it up as something worth celebrating?” Monique, “Because it’s not about you, it’s about how people see you.” David, “What am I supposed to say about it, anyway? That I shot at someone and I was fucking lucky that it was a terrorist and not a civilian?” Monique, “David, I watched you do the damn thing, you knew it was a terrorist. Why are you so uncomfortable with your own achievements?” David, “It doesn’t feel right to call it an achievement when people died.” Monique, “Did Alek Amal lay eggs in your brain? Because that’s all I’m hearing right now.” David, “It’s just fucking weird for people to take all the worst moments of my life and go, oh, look, what a great guy, what a hero.” Monique, “Okay, this is officially a job for your therapist, not me. Can you just trust that I’m trying to right by you?” David, “I do trust you,” he sighs, “I’m just getting caught up in my own bullshit is all. There’s just something de-humanizing about having an image.” Monique, “Aren’t you glad to be at a point in your life where existential bullshit is your biggest problem?” Later, as everyone leaves, David talks to Abby and Shay aside, “This doesn’t affect anything. We’re still putting the troops on the border.”
David and Jack sit looking at pictures on a tablet. David teasingly plays with Jack’s hair, and Jack tries to brush his hand away. David smiles adoringly down at him, “Do you think you’d be willing to say something at this exhibition thing?” Jack makes a face, “I can’t talk.” David, “You talk fine.” Jack makes a face and points to the scar on his forehead, “People see… all people see. Care about. Scar. Can’t talk. One giant brain injury.” David, “Just a few months ago you could only say a handful of words. I was just thinking it’d be a good chance to show how far you’ve come.” Jack, “No. You don’t…” he struggles to think of the right words, but can’t think of any, “You’re the hero.” David, “What’s that got to do with anything?” Jack, “Talking is hard.”
David, dressed up in a tux, stands in the newly-renovated ball room. It’s been done up with a pale blue color scheme and a stunning celestial map on the ceiling. Along the walls are objects and images related to the AFG. David walks along and looks at them. He lingers over the image of Isaiah diffusing a bomb in the Western mall, and gazes forlornly at the jacket embroidered CLEMENS. He goes on, and stops in front of a larger-than-life image of him shooting the Amalekite in Damascus. He stands, literally dwarfed by his image. Rose approaches him in a chic black gown, “Where is Jack?” David, “He’s upstairs. He doesn’t want to come.” Rose, “He needs to be here.” David, “He doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to.” Rose makes a face of disapproval, “He’s always looking for an excuse to get out of these things. He’ll never show up, if you let him.” David, “If you can get him out of his sweatpants and into a tux, you can drag him down here, but the deal I made with him is he doesn’t have to do anything until he’s ready, and tonight, he’s not ready.” Rose, “You spoil him.” David, “Yeah, well, I’ve kind of earned the right to do that.” They both go quiet and stare up at the picture for a moment. David, “Why didn’t Silas come to Council at Damascus?” Rose, “He got a message from God telling him not to go.” David, “Seriously?” Rose, “To be perfectly honest… I think he was afraid of facing off against you. He knew that no matter what stunt he pulled, you’d out-shine him. And look at that, you did.”
David stands in a hidden place on a balcony, watching crowds in evening attire stream into the palace. Michelle stands next to him. David, “Is it wrong that I’m kind of scared shitless right now? I have no idea how I’m supposed to handle these society people.” Michelle, “Be polite, flatter their egos, and make them think that donating to your favorite charities will gain influence with you.” David, sarcastic, “That sounds really fucking easy. I don’t even know who these people are, but I already know they don’t like being not recognized.” Michelle, “Don’t worry, I’ll keep you covered.” (“Pussy Got Ya Hooked” Three 6 Mafia) David stands sandwiched between Rose and Michelle. An older man and a beautiful young woman approach. Rose, “This is Eric and Kayla Busch. Eric is the CEO of a large manufacturing firm.” Michelle leans in and whispers, “Wife, not daughter.” David smiles politely and extends his hand, “It’s very nice to meet you.” Eric, “Oh, it’s thrilling to meet you, your highness. Used to be I had no problem getting the ear of the king, but since you’ve taken over, I’ve had a much harder time. I believe we can make some very good business deal in the future.” David, “I look forward to speaking with you then.” Eric, “You know, Kayla is quite an admirer of yours. She’s been charmed by your charisma for some time.” David, staying humble, “I hear that a lot.” Kayla leans in and whispers in his ear, “I will suck your dick so well you’ll make me a duchess.” David laughs nervously, “I’m very married.” Elsewhere, David talks to Michelle alone, as she points to various people in the room, “Racist, pedophile, poop fetish.” David, “Oh my god, I have to talk to somebody.” Michelle, “I know, I’m trying to find someone who’s not horrible.” David, “What about him?” Michelle, “He fucking hates Jack because he slept with his daughter and didn’t get her pregnant.” David, “Jesus, what about him?” Michelle, “Murdered his third wife and got away with it.” David talks to a rich man’s trophy twink. Twink, “You’re even more handsome up close,” in a low, breathy voice, “Jack is a lucky boy.” He puts a hand on David’s chest, and David steps away, laughing nervously. David stands next to a group of people looking at the photo of everyone on the palace balcony after the coup. A man in the group, “What are you thinking in this picture?” David, “I’m mostly trying not to barf.” David talks to an old man. Old man, “You should just bomb the shit out of Ashdod. Make those Phil motherfuckers weep, all of ‘em, men women and children.” David, “That would kind of be a war crime.” Old man, “Who gives a shit?” David talks to a woman. Woman, “I’m not going to waste your time with any bullshit, how large of a check to I have to make if I want a favor done?” David, “I don’t accept bribes, and anyone within my administration found taking bribes will be charged with a very serious crime.” Woman, “It’s not a bribe. It’s a gift. How much?” Elsewhere, David struggles to keep his patience as a businessman drones on while his wife pushes her brand new boobs out at David. David’s phone buzzes, and he takes a look at it, “from JACK: need you.” A look of concern crosses David’s face, “Uh, would you please excuse me for a moment, I suddenly have something that I need to attend to.”
David goes into the residence, where Jack sits comfortably on the sofa. David, “What’s wrong?” Jack, “Nothing.” David, “Then why’d you call me up here?” Jack, “You need a break.” David sigh and sits down, “How did you know?” Jack, “It’s been an hour.” David laughs, “I guess you’d know what these events are like, huh? How’d you get through them before?” Jack, “Sex and booze.” David, “I have never gotten this many indecent proposals in my life.” Jack laughs, “You’re the king!” David, “And you know what the worst part is?” Jack, “What?” David, “I can’t tell if I keep getting invited to three-ways because I’m king, or because I’m bi.” Jack throws his head back with laughter. David gazes at him adoringly. David, “At least now I get to say I’m married. I like being able to say you’re my husband.” He reaches out and affectionately strokes Jack’s cheek, “Be nice if I could introduce you as my husband.” Jack puts his hand over David’s, “Soon.” David, “Whenever you’re ready.” Jack gazes at him appreciatively. David sighs, “I should get going back. Thanks for calling me up here.” Jack, “You’re welcome.” David sends up, “Don’t wait up for me, okay? Go to bed when you feel tired.” Jack, “Okay." David leans in and kisses Jack’s cheek, “I love you.”
Back in the ballroom, Lucinda approaches David, “I don’t know if you remember me, but I met you, once, before you ran away to Gath and formed the AFG. I’m Lucinda Barclay.” David, “Um, the name sounds familiar but I can’t place it.” Lucinda, “I went on a date with Jack and he brought me back to the palace. You were there with King Silas.” David recognizes her, “Oh, yeah, Lulu, I remember you! That was actually a very memorable night for me.” Lucinda smiles kindly, “How is Jack? Our date didn’t end very well, but I’ve always wished him well. I was kind of disappointed to hear he’s not here tonight.” David, “He’s doing great, actually, but he doesn’t quite feel like he’s ready for social events yet. It’s still hard for him to do a lot of talking.” Lucinda, “Give him my regards.” She looks over at the large picture of David in Damascus, and they both stare at it for a moment. Lucinda, “You know, for a while, I was really scared about all this revolution business. I mean, I’m a historian, and I know that revolutions rarely end well. I wanted to root for you, but I was scared of how it would end. And then I saw that picture. I just- I knew that you’d be an exception to history.” David, “I hate that picture. What happened in Damascus was just… awful.” Lucinda, “Whatever happened there… that picture got a lot of people on your side.” Rose approaches David, “David, I have someone I’d like for you to meet.” Lucinda, “Good evening, your highness.” Rose looks at Lucinda and recognizes her, “Miss Barclay, how nice to see you.” Lucinda, “It’s Mrs. Caro, now. I’m not sure where my husband is.” She looks around. Rose, “I have to introduce David to someone.” He puts her hands on his shoulders and begins to move him away. David, “Have a nice evening.” Lucinda, “You too.” Rose leads David to a woman, “This is Eloise Houben, she’s a major trader in fuel subsidies.” David extends his hand, “It’s nice to meet you.” Eloise, “Pleasure to meet you, your highness. I’m interested in how the peace with Ammon has affected the oil trade- has the market been opened up?” Rose’s phone buzzes, and she looks down at it. David, “Uh, honestly, I’m still pretty new at this and I’m not really sure what most of that means. You should try talking to Abigail Benjamin-Hatch, she’s the one who knows all the trade deals.” Rose, “David, can I speak to you aside for a moment?” David, “Sure,” he looks back over at Eloise, “Nice to meet you.” Rose leads him to a place away from other people. David, “What is it?” Rose, “Something else leaked.” David, “Shit. Is it the sex tape?” Rose, “No, it’s-” she sighs heavily, “It’s a picture of Jack in the hospital.” She raises his phone for him, and on the screen is a picture of Jack, head shaved, wounds uncovered, face swollen, hooked up to a respirator. David tries to swallow his fury, “Find Abby, Shay, and Reinhardt, and tell them to meet me in my office.”
In David’s office, Shay, Abby, and Reinhardt look at the pictures on a phone while David simmers. David, “How the fuck did this happen, Caesar? You told me he was under guard!” Reinhardt, “He was.” David, snapping, “Then how the fuck did a Gath spy get so close he could’ve unplugged his life support?!” Reinhardt, “We don’t know for sure it was a spy.” David, “How the fuck is this not Gath?! We are not letting them do this!” Abby, “What do you want to do, David?” David, “What can I do?” Shay, “You want me to mount an attack? Start an invasion? If we do that, I gotta say, Gerald’s definitely baiting you, here. He wants you to attack.” Reinhardt, calmly, “Before we do anything, there needs to be an investigation. We need to know where this picture came from, who took it, and who posted it.” David, “I don’t want to wait.” Reinhardt, “So you want to go to war? Over a fucking picture?” Abby, “I can make a statement demanding an apology.” David, “I don’t want a fucking apology!” Abby, “Then what the fuck do you want?” David “I don’t know!” Abby, “This can be handled diplomatically, okay? But I can’t just go out right now and get an audience with Gerald and his diplomats. We have to at least wait until tomorrow.” Reinhardt, “And we need evidence that it is Gath.” David, “It is them!” Reinhardt, “I know, but without evidence, they’ll just deny everything.” David, “Shit!” Shay, “There’s really not a whole lot we can do, David. Gath has never had real military superiority, so Gerald resorts to pettiness and mind games. He wants to see you freak.” David, “So what are you saying I should do?” Shay, “Go and wrap up this event. Pick everything up tomorrow.” David, bitterly, “Fine. But we’re gonna resolve this."
David stands in an isolated, hidden spot where he can look into the ballroom. He leans pensively against the wall and stares at the picture of him in Damascus. Event-goers admire the photo and take pictures of it. Reinhardt approaches him, “The investigation is underway, I’ve already got my men looking into it.” David, “Thanks.” Reinhardt, “Do you need anything?” David stares at the picture, “I suck at this event shit. I don’t know what to do around all these society people, and they can tell I’m in over my head.” Reinhardt, “I’ve been watching you all evening, you’re actually doing pretty well. It’s only your first event as king, and it took me a hell of a lot more than just one to get used to it.” David shakes his head, “How long do you think it’ll take for them to realize that I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing? When do you think they’ll realize I’ve been faking it all along?” Reinhardt, “David, right now, I’m going to stop speaking as your minister of defense and start speaking as someone whose personal ambitions you thwarted. Before you blew up that tank, I was doing absolutely fucking great. I spent years doing everything I could to get close to the crown, I even thought that if I played my cards right, I could be king. I was a beloved hero, I was the youngest minster, and I was poised to be Silas’s chosen successor. And then you came along and fucked that all in the ass!” David, “I didn’t mean to.” Reinhardt, “That’s the worst fucking part! You did it all without even trying!” he points to the crowd in the ballroom, “When I look out there, I see a fuckload of people who used to think they had their life locked down, who felt like they had everything under control, but that all got shot to hell. Now, they’re out there trying desperately to re-gain the position and security they once had. They need a king to tell them who they fucking are and what they fucking do, and guess what, asshole! That’s you!” David looks at him, and Reinhardt takes a moment to compose himself, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken so rashly. It’s just god fucking damnit, you’re good at this shit! I have struggled so much just to be half as good at it as you are! You’ve got everything that I want, everything that a lot of people want, and you have the fucking gall to just wallow in self-pity and say you aren’t a leader!” David looks out over the oversize pictures of him: blowing up the tank, inciting a rebellion against Silas, in Damascus, fighting Amalekites in the Western Mall, declaring war against Abner, standing on the balcony of the palace after the coup. David, “Go home. We have a lot of work tomorrow.”
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Faking It
“Faking It” David sits in the council chamber with Reinhardt, Abby, and Shay. Shay, “We’re taking a number of troops off of the Ammon border, and I need to know what to do with them.” Reinhardt, “We’re sending them to the Gath front, obviously.” David, “I’m a little hesitant about that. Is Gerald gonna see that as some sort of escalation?” Reinhardt, “We can’t operate out of fear of angering Gerald.” David, “Yeah, I know, it’s just, he’s gonna react to this, so we need to do it carefully.” Shay, “With the forces re-distributed along the front, we have enough to fight back if he decides to attack us.” David, “The goal is to get him to not attack us.” Abby, “That’s what I’m here for.” Reinhardt, “Gath’s army is still hurting from the failure of the CrossGen contract. They were counting on continued manufacturing, and they’re scrambling to make up the gap with what little resources they have.” David, “That’s good to know.” Reinhardt goes on, “Also, Gath isn’t immune from the David effect.” David raises his eyebrows in curiosity. Reinhardt, “Our sources are reporting a sharp increase in talk of a resistance to King Gerald. The people want and end to the war, too, and they want their rights.” David, “Okay, well, I guess that’s good.” He looks at his watch, “We gotta wrap this up, I’ve got a lunch thing to get to.” Shay, “Ooh, what’re we eating?” David, “Sushi, I think.” Abby, “Nice.” Reinhardt, “What is this?” Shay, “You aren’t invited.” David, “Something for the AFG.”
In Jack and David’s apartment, Shay stuffs her face, “Fuck yeah, sushi!” Everyone else is there, enjoying lunch. Monique speaks up, “I brought you all here because in case you haven’t noticed, renovations to the palace are almost done, and we have a few decisions to make.” David, “What kind of decisions?” Monique, “We’ve got a story to tell. How are we gonna tell it?” David, “I answered all the questions at Council, and I talked to Elite, what more good will digging around in the past do?” Monique, “You answered questions and talked about the future. The AFG hasn’t had its story coherently told from start to finish. Not yet.” David, “So what do you want to do?” Monique, “I had the idea of using the re-opening of the palace. We can create an exhibition of photos and objects that tell the story.” David, “Like a museum?” Abby, “I like the idea.” Asher, “Yeah, me, too.” David, “What do we even have? It’s not like we were able to keep souvenirs.” Monique, “We don’t need much, we just have to tell the story.” Jack, “I have pictures.” Michelle, “90% of the pictures you took are of David taking his shirt off.” Monique, “See we’ve already got ways of getting people to come and see it.” David, “I’m just not sure I see the point.” Monique, “We have to tell the story before someone else does. We’ve got a rare opportunity and we need to take advantage of it.” David, “So what are we gonna say? That the war was awesome and we all had a party?” Monique, “You do want you people to think of you as a brave and inspiring leader, right?” David, “Yeah, I guess.” Joel, “You guess?” David, “I just don’t want this to end up being like that movie they made about Silas.” Monique, “We won’t be achieving that level of bullshit, but we’re gonna make you look good. Why are you so afraid of looking good?” David hesitates to answer, and then his phone buzzes. He takes it out of his pocket and looks at it, “Shit.” Monique, “What?” David, “Rose wants to see me right now, and she says to bring Asher and Abby.” Abby, “Can’t we finish lunch first?” David, “I’ll go see what it is,” he looks at Monique, “I trust you to do a good job with this, just figure it out for me, okay?” He gets up and leaves.
David goes into Rose’s office, “What is it?” Rose stands at her desk, “Where are Asher and Abby?” David, “We were having lunch, they’re still up there.” Rose, “They’ll want to hear this.” The presses a button on her phone, and a recording plays: the fuzzy sound of thunder, followed by David’s muffled voice, “That doesn’t sound like the fucking woods to you?!” David, “What is that?” Rose, “A recording of you having a panic attack during a thunderstorm and Asher and Abby trying to calm you down.” David, “God damn it, I knew that fucking place was bugged!” Rose, “So you know where this was made?” David, “The apartment where they stuck us in Gath. I fucking knew Gerald was gonna do something if we started moving troops to the Gath front, I just didn’t think it would be this fast.” Rose, “Does he have anything else on you that might be compromising?” David, “Nothing much happened in the apartment, mostly just being bored and lonely and wondering how to get out.” Rose, “What about the girl?” David, sheepishly, “That was after Gath.” Rose, “You’ve been up-front about your experience with PTSD and how you’ve treated it. The only thing that makes this a real problem is where it came from. What about the first time you spent in Gath?” David, “In the hotel?” Rose, “What am I going to hear if that place was bugged, too?” David, “Me and Jack doing a lot of thing you won’t want to listen to.” Rose, “A young couple in love, then.” David, “If Gerald has something of me and Jack, wouldn’t he have already tried sending it to Silas?” Rose, “I don’t know of anything like that.” David, “Yeah, I know, but Silas kept things from you. Keeping secrets was kind of his thing.” Rose, “It’s going to take a lot more than a sex tape to harm your reputation, David. My guess is Gerald is just trying to rattle you. Like he always does.” David, “Crap.”
David drops by Reinhardt’s office, “Did Gerald ever send Silas a recording of me and Jack uh… doing things?” Reinhardt stares up at David, an eyebrow raised. David, “There’s this recording of me having a panic attack that’s been put online, it’s from when I was in Gath. If Gerald has footage of me freaking out, he probably has more.” Reinhardt, “Yeah, he did, actually. I saw it.” David, “Son of a bitch!” Reinhardt, “All it really reveals is that you’re a good boy with no weird kinks and a big dick.” David, sarcastic, “Great. Well, at least I can be prepared when it leaks.”
David goes back up to lunch. Abby, “What was that?” David sits down, “Our apartment in Gath was definitely bugged. There’s a recording of me having a panic attack that’s going around online. Which means the Royal Hotel was also probably bugged, so if any of you were doing some weird shit there, now’d be the time to come forward.” Abby, “Oh my god, I’ve never been more grateful to have not been getting laid.” Shay, “Define weird shit.” Joel, “If you have to have it defined, you’re probably good.” Jack, “What about us?” David, quietly, “I’ll tell you about it later.” Abby, “Are you saying you two have a fucking sex tape?!” David, “It was filmed without our consent, and I haven’t seen it, but Reinhardt says it exists.” Michelle, “Oh, great, now you can tell your citizens that you truly keep no secrets from them.” David, “Shut up, or I will have you arrested for treason!” He looks apologetically over at Jack, who smiles and laughs. Jack, “Sounds hot.” Michelle, “I always figured Jack would have a sex tape leak, at least it’s one with you and not some random girl.” Joel, “If they leak it, we’ll all make our own in solidarity.” Asher, “No we won’t.” Monique, “I’m pretty sure you’re the first king to have this particular problem. Just another way you’re making history. We’ll put it in the exhibition.” David, “Oh, come on!” Abby, barely able to contain herself, “Do you know what this means?” David, dreading the answer, “What?” Abby, “Gerald has seen your balls.” Everyone cackles with laughter. David, “SHUT UP!” Abby, “He’s seen my tits! Before long he’ll have seen all of us naked!” Shay, “We should do a group portrait.” David, “Shut the fuck up!” Jack laughs. David glances over at him, “At least you’re laughing.” Jack, “It’s funny!” David, “No it’s not! It means someone was watching and listening to everything we did in that room! We talked about a lot of really personal stuff.” Michelle, “David, you’re royalty now. You don’t have a personal life anymore.” Monique, “Which brings me back to why this exhibition is important. It’s not often that you get to control how your personal life gets displayed. What do you want people to know?” David sighs, “I dunno. I need to think about it.” Monique, “Well, think about it quickly. We’re on a deadline.” Michelle, “I want to include Dad’s story- Dad’s real story, with Seth and Kathleen.” Jack chimes in, “Yeah.” Monique, “Smart idea. I think the starting place is pretty obvious: the picture of you blowing up the tank, and then the picture of you stopping the attack in Damascus.” David, “I hate that picture.” Monique, “It’s kind of iconic.” David, “What happened in Damascus was fucking horrible, why would I want to prop it up as something worth celebrating?” Monique, “Because it’s not about you, it’s about how people see you.” David, “What am I supposed to say about it, anyway? That I shot at someone and I was fucking lucky that it was a terrorist and not a civilian?” Monique, “David, I watched you do the damn thing, you knew it was a terrorist. Why are you so uncomfortable with your own achievements?” David, “It doesn’t feel right to call it an achievement when people died.” Monique, “Did Alek Amal lay eggs in your brain? Because that’s all I’m hearing right now.” David, “It’s just fucking weird for people to take all the worst moments of my life and go, oh, look, what a great guy, what a hero.” Monique, “Okay, this is officially a job for your therapist, not me. Can you just trust that I’m trying to right by you?” David, “I do trust you,” he sighs, “I’m just getting caught up in my own bullshit is all. There’s just something de-humanizing about having an image.” Monique, “Aren’t you glad to be at a point in your life where existential bullshit is your biggest problem?” Later, as everyone leaves, David talks to Abby and Shay aside, “This doesn’t affect anything. We’re still putting the troops on the border.”
David and Jack sit looking at pictures on a tablet. David teasingly plays with Jack’s hair, and Jack tries to brush his hand away. David smiles adoringly down at him, “Do you think you’d be willing to say something at this exhibition thing?” Jack makes a face, “I can’t talk.” David, “You talk fine.” Jack makes a face and points to the scar on his forehead, “People see… all people see. Care about. Scar. Can’t talk. One giant brain injury.” David, “Just a few months ago you could only say a handful of words. I was just thinking it’d be a good chance to show how far you’ve come.” Jack, “No. You don’t…” he struggles to think of the right words, but can’t think of any, “You’re the hero.” David, “What’s that got to do with anything?” Jack, “Talking is hard.”
David, dressed up in a tux, stands in the newly-renovated ball room. It’s been done up with a pale blue color scheme and a stunning celestial map on the ceiling. Along the walls are objects and images related to the AFG. David walks along and looks at them. He lingers over the image of Isaiah diffusing a bomb in the Western mall, and gazes forlornly at the jacket embroidered CLEMENS. He goes on, and stops in front of a larger-than-life image of him shooting the Amalekite in Damascus. He stands, literally dwarfed by his image. Rose approaches him in a chic black gown, “Where is Jack?” David, “He’s upstairs. He doesn’t want to come.” Rose, “He needs to be here.” David, “He doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to.” Rose makes a face of disapproval, “He’s always looking for an excuse to get out of these things. He’ll never show up, if you let him.” David, “If you can get him out of his sweatpants and into a tux, you can drag him down here, but the deal I made with him is he doesn’t have to do anything until he’s ready, and tonight, he’s not ready.” Rose, “You spoil him.” David, “Yeah, well, I’ve kind of earned the right to do that.” They both go quiet and stare up at the picture for a moment. David, “Why didn’t Silas come to Council at Damascus?” Rose, “He got a message from God telling him not to go.” David, “Seriously?” Rose, “To be perfectly honest… I think he was afraid of facing off against you. He knew that no matter what stunt he pulled, you’d out-shine him. And look at that, you did.”
David stands in a hidden place on a balcony, watching crowds in evening attire stream into the palace. Michelle stands next to him. David, “Is it wrong that I’m kind of scared shitless right now? I have no idea how I’m supposed to handle these society people.” Michelle, “Be polite, flatter their egos, and make them think that donating to your favorite charities will gain influence with you.” David, sarcastic, “That sounds really fucking easy. I don’t even know who these people are, but I already know they don’t like being not recognized.” Michelle, “Don’t worry, I’ll keep you covered.” (“Pussy Got Ya Hooked” Three 6 Mafia) David stands sandwiched between Rose and Michelle. An older man and a beautiful young woman approach. Rose, “This is Eric and Kayla Busch. Eric is the CEO of a large manufacturing firm.” Michelle leans in and whispers, “Wife, not daughter.” David smiles politely and extends his hand, “It’s very nice to meet you.” Eric, “Oh, it’s thrilling to meet you, your highness. Used to be I had no problem getting the ear of the king, but since you’ve taken over, I’ve had a much harder time. I believe we can make some very good business deal in the future.” David, “I look forward to speaking with you then.” Eric, “You know, Kayla is quite an admirer of yours. She’s been charmed by your charisma for some time.” David, staying humble, “I hear that a lot.” Kayla leans in and whispers in his ear, “I will suck your dick so well you’ll make me a duchess.” David laughs nervously, “I’m very married.” Elsewhere, David talks to Michelle alone, as she points to various people in the room, “Racist, pedophile, poop fetish.” David, “Oh my god, I have to talk to somebody.” Michelle, “I know, I’m trying to find someone who’s not horrible.” David, “What about him?” Michelle, “He fucking hates Jack because he slept with his daughter and didn’t get her pregnant.” David, “Jesus, what about him?” Michelle, “Murdered his third wife and got away with it.” David talks to a rich man’s trophy twink. Twink, “You’re even more handsome up close,” in a low, breathy voice, “Jack is a lucky boy.” He puts a hand on David’s chest, and David steps away, laughing nervously. David stands next to a group of people looking at the photo of everyone on the palace balcony after the coup. A man in the group, “What are you thinking in this picture?” David, “I’m mostly trying not to barf.” David talks to an old man. Old man, “You should just bomb the shit out of Ashdod. Make those Phil motherfuckers weep, all of ‘em, men women and children.” David, “That would kind of be a war crime.” Old man, “Who gives a shit?” David talks to a woman. Woman, “I’m not going to waste your time with any bullshit, how large of a check to I have to make if I want a favor done?” David, “I don’t accept bribes, and anyone within my administration found taking bribes will be charged with a very serious crime.” Woman, “It’s not a bribe. It’s a gift. How much?” Elsewhere, David struggles to keep his patience as a businessman drones on while his wife pushes her brand new boobs out at David. David’s phone buzzes, and he takes a look at it, “from JACK: need you.” A look of concern crosses David’s face, “Uh, would you please excuse me for a moment, I suddenly have something that I need to attend to.”
David goes into the residence, where Jack sits comfortably on the sofa. David, “What’s wrong?” Jack, “Nothing.” David, “Then why’d you call me up here?” Jack, “You need a break.” David sigh and sits down, “How did you know?” Jack, “It’s been an hour.” David laughs, “I guess you’d know what these events are like, huh? How’d you get through them before?” Jack, “Sex and booze.” David, “I have never gotten this many indecent proposals in my life.” Jack laughs, “You’re the king!” David, “And you know what the worst part is?” Jack, “What?” David, “I can’t tell if I keep getting invited to three-ways because I’m king, or because I’m bi.” Jack throws his head back with laughter. David gazes at him adoringly. David, “At least now I get to say I’m married. I like being able to say you’re my husband.” He reaches out and affectionately strokes Jack’s cheek, “Be nice if I could introduce you as my husband.” Jack puts his hand over David’s, “Soon.” David, “Whenever you’re ready.” Jack gazes at him appreciatively. David sighs, “I should get going back. Thanks for calling me up here.” Jack, “You’re welcome.” David sends up, “Don’t wait up for me, okay? Go to bed when you feel tired.” Jack, “Okay." David leans in and kisses Jack’s cheek, “I love you.”
Back in the ballroom, Lucinda approaches David, “I don’t know if you remember me, but I met you, once, before you ran away to Gath and formed the AFG. I’m Lucinda Barclay.” David, “Um, the name sounds familiar but I can’t place it.” Lucinda, “I went on a date with Jack and he brought me back to the palace. You were there with King Silas.” David recognizes her, “Oh, yeah, Lulu, I remember you! That was actually a very memorable night for me.” Lucinda smiles kindly, “How is Jack? Our date didn’t end very well, but I’ve always wished him well. I was kind of disappointed to hear he’s not here tonight.” David, “He’s doing great, actually, but he doesn’t quite feel like he’s ready for social events yet. It’s still hard for him to do a lot of talking.” Lucinda, “Give him my regards.” She looks over at the large picture of David in Damascus, and they both stare at it for a moment. Lucinda, “You know, for a while, I was really scared about all this revolution business. I mean, I’m a historian, and I know that revolutions rarely end well. I wanted to root for you, but I was scared of how it would end. And then I saw that picture. I just- I knew that you’d be an exception to history.” David, “I hate that picture. What happened in Damascus was just… awful.” Lucinda, “Whatever happened there… that picture got a lot of people on your side.” Rose approaches David, “David, I have someone I’d like for you to meet.” Lucinda, “Good evening, your highness.” Rose looks at Lucinda and recognizes her, “Miss Barclay, how nice to see you.” Lucinda, “It’s Mrs. Caro, now. I’m not sure where my husband is.” She looks around. Rose, “I have to introduce David to someone.” He puts her hands on his shoulders and begins to move him away. David, “Have a nice evening.” Lucinda, “You too.” Rose leads David to a woman, “This is Eloise Houben, she’s a major trader in fuel subsidies.” David extends his hand, “It’s nice to meet you.” Eloise, “Pleasure to meet you, your highness. I’m interested in how the peace with Ammon has affected the oil trade- has the market been opened up?” Rose’s phone buzzes, and she looks down at it. David, “Uh, honestly, I’m still pretty new at this and I’m not really sure what most of that means. You should try talking to Abigail Benjamin-Hatch, she’s the one who knows all the trade deals.” Rose, “David, can I speak to you aside for a moment?” David, “Sure,” he looks back over at Eloise, “Nice to meet you.” Rose leads him to a place away from other people. David, “What is it?” Rose, “Something else leaked.” David, “Shit. Is it the sex tape?” Rose, “No, it’s-” she sighs heavily, “It’s a picture of Jack in the hospital.” She raises his phone for him, and on the screen is a picture of Jack, head shaved, wounds uncovered, face swollen, hooked up to a respirator. David tries to swallow his fury, “Find Abby, Shay, and Reinhardt, and tell them to meet me in my office.”
In David’s office, Shay, Abby, and Reinhardt look at the pictures on a phone while David simmers. David, “How the fuck did this happen, Caesar? You told me he was under guard!” Reinhardt, “He was.” David, snapping, “Then how the fuck did a Gath spy get so close he could’ve unplugged his life support?!” Reinhardt, “We don’t know for sure it was a spy.” David, “How the fuck is this not Gath?! We are not letting them do this!” Abby, “What do you want to do, David?” David, “What can I do?” Shay, “You want me to mount an attack? Start an invasion? If we do that, I gotta say, Gerald’s definitely baiting you, here. He wants you to attack.” Reinhardt, calmly, “Before we do anything, there needs to be an investigation. We need to know where this picture came from, who took it, and who posted it.” David, “I don’t want to wait.” Reinhardt, “So you want to go to war? Over a fucking picture?” Abby, “I can make a statement demanding an apology.” David, “I don’t want a fucking apology!” Abby, “Then what the fuck do you want?” David “I don’t know!” Abby, “This can be handled diplomatically, okay? But I can’t just go out right now and get an audience with Gerald and his diplomats. We have to at least wait until tomorrow.” Reinhardt, “And we need evidence that it is Gath.” David, “It is them!” Reinhardt, “I know, but without evidence, they’ll just deny everything.” David, “Shit!” Shay, “There’s really not a whole lot we can do, David. Gath has never had real military superiority, so Gerald resorts to pettiness and mind games. He wants to see you freak.” David, “So what are you saying I should do?” Shay, “Go and wrap up this event. Pick everything up tomorrow.” David, bitterly, “Fine. But we’re gonna resolve this."
David stands in an isolated, hidden spot where he can look into the ballroom. He leans pensively against the wall and stares at the picture of him in Damascus. Event-goers admire the photo and take pictures of it. Reinhardt approaches him, “The investigation is underway, I’ve already got my men looking into it.” David, “Thanks.” Reinhardt, “Do you need anything?” David stares at the picture, “I suck at this event shit. I don’t know what to do around all these society people, and they can tell I’m in over my head.” Reinhardt, “I’ve been watching you all evening, you’re actually doing pretty well. It’s only your first event as king, and it took me a hell of a lot more than just one to get used to it.” David shakes his head, “How long do you think it’ll take for them to realize that I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing? When do you think they’ll realize I’ve been faking it all along?” Reinhardt, “David, right now, I’m going to stop speaking as your minister of defense and start speaking as someone whose personal ambitions you thwarted. Before you blew up that tank, I was doing absolutely fucking great. I spent years doing everything I could to get close to the crown, I even thought that if I played my cards right, I could be king. I was a beloved hero, I was the youngest minster, and I was poised to be Silas’s chosen successor. And then you came along and fucked that all in the ass!” David, “I didn’t mean to.” Reinhardt, “That’s the worst fucking part! You did it all without even trying!” he points to the crowd in the ballroom, “When I look out there, I see a fuckload of people who used to think they had their life locked down, who felt like they had everything under control, but that all got shot to hell. Now, they’re out there trying desperately to re-gain the position and security they once had. They need a king to tell them who they fucking are and what they fucking do, and guess what, asshole! That’s you!” David looks at him, and Reinhardt takes a moment to compose himself, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken so rashly. It’s just god fucking damnit, you’re good at this shit! I have struggled so much just to be half as good at it as you are! You’ve got everything that I want, everything that a lot of people want, and you have the fucking gall to just wallow in self-pity and say you aren’t a leader!” David looks out over the oversize pictures of him: blowing up the tank, inciting a rebellion against Silas, in Damascus, fighting Amalekites in the Western Mall, declaring war against Abner, standing on the balcony of the palace after the coup. David, “Go home. We have a lot of work tomorrow.”
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Faking It
“Faking It” David sits in the council chamber with Reinhardt, Abby, and Shay. Shay, “We’re taking a number of troops off of the Ammon border, and I need to know what to do with them.” Reinhardt, “We’re sending them to the Gath front, obviously.” David, “I’m a little hesitant about that. Is Gerald gonna see that as some sort of escalation?” Reinhardt, “We can’t operate out of fear of angering Gerald.” David, “Yeah, I know, it’s just, he’s gonna react to this, so we need to do it carefully.” Shay, “With the forces re-distributed along the front, we have enough to fight back if he decides to attack us.” David, “The goal is to get him to not attack us.” Abby, “That’s what I’m here for.” Reinhardt, “Gath’s army is still hurting from the failure of the CrossGen contract. They were counting on continued manufacturing, and they’re scrambling to make up the gap with what little resources they have.” David, “That’s good to know.” Reinhardt goes on, “Also, Gath isn’t immune from the David effect.” David raises his eyebrows in curiosity. Reinhardt, “Our sources are reporting a sharp increase in talk of a resistance to King Gerald. The people want and end to the war, too, and they want their rights.” David, “Okay, well, I guess that’s good.” He looks at his watch, “We gotta wrap this up, I’ve got a lunch thing to get to.” Shay, “Ooh, what’re we eating?” David, “Sushi, I think.” Abby, “Nice.” Reinhardt, “What is this?” Shay, “You aren’t invited.” David, “Something for the AFG.”
In Jack and David’s apartment, Shay stuffs her face, “Fuck yeah, sushi!” Everyone else is there, enjoying lunch. Monique speaks up, “I brought you all here because in case you haven’t noticed, renovations to the palace are almost done, and we have a few decisions to make.” David, “What kind of decisions?” Monique, “We’ve got a story to tell. How are we gonna tell it?” David, “I answered all the questions at Council, and I talked to Elite, what more good will digging around in the past do?” Monique, “You answered questions and talked about the future. The AFG hasn’t had its story coherently told from start to finish. Not yet.” David, “So what do you want to do?” Monique, “I had the idea of using the re-opening of the palace. We can create an exhibition of photos and objects that tell the story.” David, “Like a museum?” Abby, “I like the idea.” Asher, “Yeah, me, too.” David, “What do we even have? It’s not like we were able to keep souvenirs.” Monique, “We don’t need much, we just have to tell the story.” Jack, “I have pictures.” Michelle, “90% of the pictures you took are of David taking his shirt off.” Monique, “See we’ve already got ways of getting people to come and see it.” David, “I’m just not sure I see the point.” Monique, “We have to tell the story before someone else does. We’ve got a rare opportunity and we need to take advantage of it.” David, “So what are we gonna say? That the war was awesome and we all had a party?” Monique, “You do want you people to think of you as a brave and inspiring leader, right?” David, “Yeah, I guess.” Joel, “You guess?” David, “I just don’t want this to end up being like that movie they made about Silas.” Monique, “We won’t be achieving that level of bullshit, but we’re gonna make you look good. Why are you so afraid of looking good?” David hesitates to answer, and then his phone buzzes. He takes it out of his pocket and looks at it, “Shit.” Monique, “What?” David, “Rose wants to see me right now, and she says to bring Asher and Abby.” Abby, “Can’t we finish lunch first?” David, “I’ll go see what it is,” he looks at Monique, “I trust you to do a good job with this, just figure it out for me, okay?” He gets up and leaves.
David goes into Rose’s office, “What is it?” Rose stands at her desk, “Where are Asher and Abby?” David, “We were having lunch, they’re still up there.” Rose, “They’ll want to hear this.” The presses a button on her phone, and a recording plays: the fuzzy sound of thunder, followed by David’s muffled voice, “That doesn’t sound like the fucking woods to you?!” David, “What is that?” Rose, “A recording of you having a panic attack during a thunderstorm and Asher and Abby trying to calm you down.” David, “God damn it, I knew that fucking place was bugged!” Rose, “So you know where this was made?” David, “The apartment where they stuck us in Gath. I fucking knew Gerald was gonna do something if we started moving troops to the Gath front, I just didn’t think it would be this fast.” Rose, “Does he have anything else on you that might be compromising?” David, “Nothing much happened in the apartment, mostly just being bored and lonely and wondering how to get out.” Rose, “What about the girl?” David, sheepishly, “That was after Gath.” Rose, “You’ve been up-front about your experience with PTSD and how you’ve treated it. The only thing that makes this a real problem is where it came from. What about the first time you spent in Gath?” David, “In the hotel?” Rose, “What am I going to hear if that place was bugged, too?” David, “Me and Jack doing a lot of thing you won’t want to listen to.” Rose, “A young couple in love, then.” David, “If Gerald has something of me and Jack, wouldn’t he have already tried sending it to Silas?” Rose, “I don’t know of anything like that.” David, “Yeah, I know, but Silas kept things from you. Keeping secrets was kind of his thing.” Rose, “It’s going to take a lot more than a sex tape to harm your reputation, David. My guess is Gerald is just trying to rattle you. Like he always does.” David, “Crap.”
David drops by Reinhardt’s office, “Did Gerald ever send Silas a recording of me and Jack uh… doing things?” Reinhardt stares up at David, an eyebrow raised. David, “There’s this recording of me having a panic attack that’s been put online, it’s from when I was in Gath. If Gerald has footage of me freaking out, he probably has more.” Reinhardt, “Yeah, he did, actually. I saw it.” David, “Son of a bitch!” Reinhardt, “All it really reveals is that you’re a good boy with no weird kinks and a big dick.” David, sarcastic, “Great. Well, at least I can be prepared when it leaks.”
David goes back up to lunch. Abby, “What was that?” David sits down, “Our apartment in Gath was definitely bugged. There’s a recording of me having a panic attack that’s going around online. Which means the Royal Hotel was also probably bugged, so if any of you were doing some weird shit there, now’d be the time to come forward.” Abby, “Oh my god, I’ve never been more grateful to have not been getting laid.” Shay, “Define weird shit.” Joel, “If you have to have it defined, you’re probably good.” Jack, “What about us?” David, quietly, “I’ll tell you about it later.” Abby, “Are you saying you two have a fucking sex tape?!” David, “It was filmed without our consent, and I haven’t seen it, but Reinhardt says it exists.” Michelle, “Oh, great, now you can tell your citizens that you truly keep no secrets from them.” David, “Shut up, or I will have you arrested for treason!” He looks apologetically over at Jack, who smiles and laughs. Jack, “Sounds hot.” Michelle, “I always figured Jack would have a sex tape leak, at least it’s one with you and not some random girl.” Joel, “If they leak it, we’ll all make our own in solidarity.” Asher, “No we won’t.” Monique, “I’m pretty sure you’re the first king to have this particular problem. Just another way you’re making history. We’ll put it in the exhibition.” David, “Oh, come on!” Abby, barely able to contain herself, “Do you know what this means?” David, dreading the answer, “What?” Abby, “Gerald has seen your balls.” Everyone cackles with laughter. David, “SHUT UP!” Abby, “He’s seen my tits! Before long he’ll have seen all of us naked!” Shay, “We should do a group portrait.” David, “Shut the fuck up!” Jack laughs. David glances over at him, “At least you’re laughing.” Jack, “It’s funny!” David, “No it’s not! It means someone was watching and listening to everything we did in that room! We talked about a lot of really personal stuff.” Michelle, “David, you’re royalty now. You don’t have a personal life anymore.” Monique, “Which brings me back to why this exhibition is important. It’s not often that you get to control how your personal life gets displayed. What do you want people to know?” David sighs, “I dunno. I need to think about it.” Monique, “Well, think about it quickly. We’re on a deadline.” Michelle, “I want to include Dad’s story- Dad’s real story, with Seth and Kathleen.” Jack chimes in, “Yeah.” Monique, “Smart idea. I think the starting place is pretty obvious: the picture of you blowing up the tank, and then the picture of you stopping the attack in Damascus.” David, “I hate that picture.” Monique, “It’s kind of iconic.” David, “What happened in Damascus was fucking horrible, why would I want to prop it up as something worth celebrating?” Monique, “Because it’s not about you, it’s about how people see you.” David, “What am I supposed to say about it, anyway? That I shot at someone and I was fucking lucky that it was a terrorist and not a civilian?” Monique, “David, I watched you do the damn thing, you knew it was a terrorist. Why are you so uncomfortable with your own achievements?” David, “It doesn’t feel right to call it an achievement when people died.” Monique, “Did Alek Amal lay eggs in your brain? Because that’s all I’m hearing right now.” David, “It’s just fucking weird for people to take all the worst moments of my life and go, oh, look, what a great guy, what a hero.” Monique, “Okay, this is officially a job for your therapist, not me. Can you just trust that I’m trying to right by you?” David, “I do trust you,” he sighs, “I’m just getting caught up in my own bullshit is all. There’s just something de-humanizing about having an image.” Monique, “Aren’t you glad to be at a point in your life where existential bullshit is your biggest problem?” Later, as everyone leaves, David talks to Abby and Shay aside, “This doesn’t affect anything. We’re still putting the troops on the border.”
David and Jack sit looking at pictures on a tablet. David teasingly plays with Jack’s hair, and Jack tries to brush his hand away. David smiles adoringly down at him, “Do you think you’d be willing to say something at this exhibition thing?” Jack makes a face, “I can’t talk.” David, “You talk fine.” Jack makes a face and points to the scar on his forehead, “People see… all people see. Care about. Scar. Can’t talk. One giant brain injury.” David, “Just a few months ago you could only say a handful of words. I was just thinking it’d be a good chance to show how far you’ve come.” Jack, “No. You don’t…” he struggles to think of the right words, but can’t think of any, “You’re the hero.” David, “What’s that got to do with anything?” Jack, “Talking is hard.”
David, dressed up in a tux, stands in the newly-renovated ball room. It’s been done up with a pale blue color scheme and a stunning celestial map on the ceiling. Along the walls are objects and images related to the AFG. David walks along and looks at them. He lingers over the image of Isaiah diffusing a bomb in the Western mall, and gazes forlornly at the jacket embroidered CLEMENS. He goes on, and stops in front of a larger-than-life image of him shooting the Amalekite in Damascus. He stands, literally dwarfed by his image. Rose approaches him in a chic black gown, “Where is Jack?” David, “He’s upstairs. He doesn’t want to come.” Rose, “He needs to be here.” David, “He doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to.” Rose makes a face of disapproval, “He’s always looking for an excuse to get out of these things. He’ll never show up, if you let him.” David, “If you can get him out of his sweatpants and into a tux, you can drag him down here, but the deal I made with him is he doesn’t have to do anything until he’s ready, and tonight, he’s not ready.” Rose, “You spoil him.” David, “Yeah, well, I’ve kind of earned the right to do that.” They both go quiet and stare up at the picture for a moment. David, “Why didn’t Silas come to Council at Damascus?” Rose, “He got a message from God telling him not to go.” David, “Seriously?” Rose, “To be perfectly honest… I think he was afraid of facing off against you. He knew that no matter what stunt he pulled, you’d out-shine him. And look at that, you did.”
David stands in a hidden place on a balcony, watching crowds in evening attire stream into the palace. Michelle stands next to him. David, “Is it wrong that I’m kind of scared shitless right now? I have no idea how I’m supposed to handle these society people.” Michelle, “Be polite, flatter their egos, and make them think that donating to your favorite charities will gain influence with you.” David, sarcastic, “That sounds really fucking easy. I don’t even know who these people are, but I already know they don’t like being not recognized.” Michelle, “Don’t worry, I’ll keep you covered.” (“Pussy Got Ya Hooked” Three 6 Mafia) David stands sandwiched between Rose and Michelle. An older man and a beautiful young woman approach. Rose, “This is Eric and Kayla Busch. Eric is the CEO of a large manufacturing firm.” Michelle leans in and whispers, “Wife, not daughter.” David smiles politely and extends his hand, “It’s very nice to meet you.” Eric, “Oh, it’s thrilling to meet you, your highness. Used to be I had no problem getting the ear of the king, but since you’ve taken over, I’ve had a much harder time. I believe we can make some very good business deal in the future.” David, “I look forward to speaking with you then.” Eric, “You know, Kayla is quite an admirer of yours. She’s been charmed by your charisma for some time.” David, staying humble, “I hear that a lot.” Kayla leans in and whispers in his ear, “I will suck your dick so well you’ll make me a duchess.” David laughs nervously, “I’m very married.” Elsewhere, David talks to Michelle alone, as she points to various people in the room, “Racist, pedophile, poop fetish.” David, “Oh my god, I have to talk to somebody.” Michelle, “I know, I’m trying to find someone who’s not horrible.” David, “What about him?” Michelle, “He fucking hates Jack because he slept with his daughter and didn’t get her pregnant.” David, “Jesus, what about him?” Michelle, “Murdered his third wife and got away with it.” David talks to a rich man’s trophy twink. Twink, “You’re even more handsome up close,” in a low, breathy voice, “Jack is a lucky boy.” He puts a hand on David’s chest, and David steps away, laughing nervously. David stands next to a group of people looking at the photo of everyone on the palace balcony after the coup. A man in the group, “What are you thinking in this picture?” David, “I’m mostly trying not to barf.” David talks to an old man. Old man, “You should just bomb the shit out of Ashdod. Make those Phil motherfuckers weep, all of ‘em, men women and children.” David, “That would kind of be a war crime.” Old man, “Who gives a shit?” David talks to a woman. Woman, “I’m not going to waste your time with any bullshit, how large of a check to I have to make if I want a favor done?” David, “I don’t accept bribes, and anyone within my administration found taking bribes will be charged with a very serious crime.” Woman, “It’s not a bribe. It’s a gift. How much?” Elsewhere, David struggles to keep his patience as a businessman drones on while his wife pushes her brand new boobs out at David. David’s phone buzzes, and he takes a look at it, “from JACK: need you.” A look of concern crosses David’s face, “Uh, would you please excuse me for a moment, I suddenly have something that I need to attend to.”
David goes into the residence, where Jack sits comfortably on the sofa. David, “What’s wrong?” Jack, “Nothing.” David, “Then why’d you call me up here?” Jack, “You need a break.” David sigh and sits down, “How did you know?” Jack, “It’s been an hour.” David laughs, “I guess you’d know what these events are like, huh? How’d you get through them before?” Jack, “Sex and booze.” David, “I have never gotten this many indecent proposals in my life.” Jack laughs, “You’re the king!” David, “And you know what the worst part is?” Jack, “What?” David, “I can’t tell if I keep getting invited to three-ways because I’m king, or because I’m bi.” Jack throws his head back with laughter. David gazes at him adoringly. David, “At least now I get to say I’m married. I like being able to say you’re my husband.” He reaches out and affectionately strokes Jack’s cheek, “Be nice if I could introduce you as my husband.” Jack puts his hand over David’s, “Soon.” David, “Whenever you’re ready.” Jack gazes at him appreciatively. David sighs, “I should get going back. Thanks for calling me up here.” Jack, “You’re welcome.” David sends up, “Don’t wait up for me, okay? Go to bed when you feel tired.” Jack, “Okay." David leans in and kisses Jack’s cheek, “I love you.”
Back in the ballroom, Lucinda approaches David, “I don’t know if you remember me, but I met you, once, before you ran away to Gath and formed the AFG. I’m Lucinda.” David, “Um, the name sounds familiar but I can’t place it.” Lucinda, “I went on a date with Jack and he brought me back to the palace. You were there with King Silas.” David recognizes her, “Oh, yeah, Lulu, I remember you! That was actually a very memorable night for me.” Lucinda smiles kindly, “How is Jack? Our date didn’t end very well, but I’ve always wished him well. I was kind of disappointed to hear he’s not here tonight.” David, “He’s doing great, actually, but he doesn’t quite feel like he’s ready for social events yet. It’s still hard for him to do a lot of talking.” Lucinda, “Give him my regards.” She looks over at the large picture of David in Damascus, and they both stare at it for a moment. Lucinda, “You know, for a while, I was really scared about all this revolution business. I mean, I’m a historian, and I know that revolutions rarely end well. I wanted to root for you, but I was scared of how it would end. And then I saw that picture. I just- I knew that you’d be an exception to history.” David, “I hate that picture. What happened in Damascus was just… awful.” Lucinda, “Whatever happened there… that picture got a lot of people on your side.” Rose approaches David, “David, I have someone I’d like for you to meet.” Lucinda, “Good evening, your highness.” Rose looks at Lucinda and recognizes her, “Miss Barclay, how nice to see you.” Lucinda, “It’s Mrs. Caro, now. I’m not sure where my husband is.” She looks around. Rose, “I have to introduce David to someone.” He puts her hands on his shoulders and begins to move him away. David, “Have a nice evening.” Lucinda, “You too.” Rose leads David to a woman, “This is Eloise Houben, she’s a major trader in fuel subsidies.” David extends his hand, “It’s nice to meet you.” Eloise, “Pleasure to meet you, your highness. I’m interested in how the peace with Ammon has affected the oil trade- has the market been opened up?” Rose’s phone buzzes, and she looks down at it. David, “Uh, honestly, I’m still pretty new at this and I’m not really sure what most of that means. You should try talking to Abigail Benjamin-Hatch, she’s the one who knows all the trade deals.” Rose, “David, can I speak to you aside for a moment?” David, “Sure,” he looks back over at Eloise, “Nice to meet you.” Rose leads him to a place away from other people. David, “What is it?” Rose, “Something else leaked.” David, “Shit. Is it the sex tape?” Rose, “No, it’s-” she sighs heavily, “It’s a picture of Jack in the hospital.” She raises his phone for him, and on the screen is a picture of Jack, head shaved, wounds uncovered, face swollen, hooked up to a respirator. David tries to swallow his fury, “Find Abby, Shay, and Reinhardt, and tell them to meet me in my office.”
In David’s office, Shay, Abby, and Reinhardt look at the pictures on a phone while David simmers. David, “How the fuck did this happen, Caesar? You told me he was under guard!” Reinhardt, “He was.” David, snapping, “Then how the fuck did a Gath spy get so close he could’ve unplugged his life support?!” Reinhardt, “We don’t know for sure it was a spy.” David, “How the fuck is this not Gath?! We are not letting them do this!” Abby, “What do you want to do, David?” David, “What can I do?” Shay, “You want me to mount an attack? Start an invasion? If we do that, I gotta say, Gerald’s definitely baiting you, here. He wants you to attack.” Reinhardt, calmly, “Before we do anything, there needs to be an investigation. We need to know where this picture came from, who took it, and who posted it.” David, “I don’t want to wait.” Reinhardt, “So you want to go to war? Over a fucking picture?” Abby, “I can make a statement demanding an apology.” David, “I don’t want a fucking apology!” Abby, “Then what the fuck do you want?” David “I don’t know!” Abby, “This can be handled diplomatically, okay? But I can’t just go out right now and get an audience with Gerald and his diplomats. We have to at least wait until tomorrow.” Reinhardt, “And we need evidence that it is Gath.” David, “It is them!” Reinhardt, “I know, but without evidence, they’ll just deny everything.” David, “Shit!” Shay, “There’s really not a whole lot we can do, David. Gath has never had real military superiority, so Gerald resorts to pettiness and mind games. He wants to see you freak.” David, “So what are you saying I should do?” Shay, “Go and wrap up this event. Pick everything up tomorrow.” David, bitterly, “Fine. But we’re gonna resolve this."
David stands in an isolated, hidden spot where he can look into the ballroom. He leans pensively against the wall and stares at the picture of him in Damascus. Event-goers admire the photo and take pictures of it. Reinhardt approaches him, “The investigation is underway, I’ve already got my men looking into it.” David, “Thanks.” Reinhardt, “Do you need anything?” David stares at the picture, “I suck at this event shit. I don’t know what to do around all these society people, and they can tell I’m in over my head.” Reinhardt, “I’ve been watching you all evening, you’re actually doing pretty well. It’s only your first event as king, and it took me a hell of a lot more than just one to get used to it.” David shakes his head, “How long do you think it’ll take for them to realize that I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing? When do you think they’ll realize I’ve been faking it all along?” Reinhardt, “David, right now, I’m going to stop speaking as your minister of defense and start speaking as someone whose personal ambitions you thwarted. Before you blew up that tank, I was doing absolutely fucking great. I spent years doing everything I could to get close to the crown, I even thought that if I played my cards right, I could be king. I was a beloved hero, I was the youngest minster, and I was poised to be Silas’s chosen successor. And then you came along and fucked that all in the ass!” David, “I didn’t mean to.” Reinhardt, “That’s the worst fucking part! You did it all without even trying!” he points to the crowd in the ballroom, “When I look out there, I see a fuckload of people who used to think they had their life locked down, who felt like they had everything under control, but that all got shot to hell. Now, they’re out there trying desperately to re-gain the position and security they once had. They need a king to tell them who they fucking are and what they fucking do, and guess what, asshole! That’s you!” David looks at him, and Reinhardt takes a moment to compose himself, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken so rashly. It’s just god fucking damnit, you’re good at this shit! I have struggled so much just to be half as good at it as you are! You’ve got everything that I want, everything that a lot of people want, and you have the fucking gall to just wallow in self-pity and say you aren’t a leader!” David looks out over the oversize pictures of him: blowing up the tank, inciting a rebellion against Silas, in Damascus, fighting Amalekites in the Western Mall, declaring war against Abner, standing on the balcony of the palace after the coup. David, “Go home. We have a lot of work tomorrow.”
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