#they are sometimes life or death situations

[goldenempyrean]

Spring Showers

〚 Notes - Hello! This was based off this: request! I was meant to post this yesterday I think but something came up. Hopefully this is enjoyable, honestly feels good to write again :) 〛

〚 Pairing - Natasha Romanoff x Reader 〛

〚 Summary - When you’re sick, your day goes from bad to worse. A small car breakdown later and you find yourself unexpectedly bumping into Natasha. 〛

〚 Wordcount - 2681 〛

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Waking up that fresh spring morning, you rolled over to snooze the alarm that had pulled you out of your slumber, hitting it lazily before letting gravity take control and send your arm flopping over the edge of the bed.

You groaned a little as it hit the edge of your bed, rubbing your elbow with an annoyed look as if somehow death-staring the metal frame would make up for it.

As you begrudgingly got out of bed, the chill of the early morning hit you, sending a shiver down your spine. You had to admit felt a bit off, today. Your head heavy and your throat scratchy but you ignored the signs of fatigue and finished getting dressed and ready for the day.

Nat was always one to be up and out early in the mornings. Running, training or sometimes even just reading, whatever it was, she was definitely up and ready for her day before sunrise. Early bird gets the worm? Well, the early widow gets her 90-minute workout in without being disturbed. She liked it that way.

Unfortunately, it meant you usually weren’t able to see her most days before heading out to work - the rare exception being when you were on a late shift and got a few extra hours at home before heading out.

You weren’t an Avenger like your girlfriend, instead you served the people of New York by working in the local hospital as the Chief Nurse in charge. It was a demanding job, but one you found incredibly rewarding.

The pouring rain grabbed back your wandering attention as you sat sleepily over your chosen bowl of cereal. You hadn’t really had an appetite but had forced a few bites down regardless before you lost interest. Checking your phone, you realised you needed to set off, so you grabbed your car keys and headed out the compound.

As you pulled into the hospital's parking lot, you mentally prepared yourself for the day ahead. You tried to clear your throat as you checked yourself over in the mirror, but it ended in you coughing raspily and sighing in defeat as you rubbed your throat. Maybe water would get rid of the soreness, you thought as you took a tentative sip from your bottle… nope, it still hurt. What a fun day this was going to be.

Whoever said being in charge was fun, was sorely mistaken. Throughout the morning, you found yourself raising your voice more often than usual to be heard over the cacophony of the emergency room. By midday, your voice had started to crack and strain, sending sharp pains down your throat with each word.

Eventually you resigned yourself to your office, sick (literally) of the mix of pitiful, disgusted and annoyed glances you were receiving from both residents and patients.

As you sat in your office, trying to soothe your aching throat and mustering the energy to tackle the mountain of paperwork on your desk, the hospital intercom made you jump as it crackled to life, urgently calling you to the ER.

You groaned but despite your muscle’s aching, your instincts kicked in, and you rushed out of your office towards the ER.

As you entered the chaotic room, your senses were assaulted by the echo of urgent voices and the sharp smell of antiseptic made your eyes water.

You had barely assessed the ongoing situation before a sudden sneeze erupted from you, surprising yourself with its volume. You’d quickly covered your mouth, but the damage was done. Several heads turned in your direction, eyebrows raised in concern.

Before you could even attempt to explain, your boss appeared, her expression a mix of concern and sternness. "What are you doing here, Y/N?" She asked, her tone indicating she already knew the answer.

You tried to muster a response, but your throat rebelled, emitting only a hoarse croak instead.

Your bosses' eyes softened slightly, an understanding look settling on her face. "You're ill," She stated matter-of-factly. "Go home, rest, and don't come back until you're fully recovered. We don’t need you starting an epidemic.”

Despite your protests, she ushered you out of the ER and back to your office to collect your belongings. She helped you collect your things, only stopping to hold a thermometer to your ear as she checked your temperature.

You thanked her hoarsely as she held open the door for you, “Seriously, I don’t want you back until 48 hours after that fever breaks.” She warned with a stern tone but the gentle pat on your back made it obvious she was just worried that’s all.

As you stepped out of the hospital, the chilly rain immediately soaked through your clothes, sending shivers down your spine. You dropped your keys twice as you fumbled to unlock your car, finally flopping down behind the wheel with an drained sigh - a sigh which your crackling lungs despised, reprimanding you in the form of a burning cough.

As you drove home, the rain beat relentlessly against the windshield, blurring the already dimly lit road ahead. Each cough sent a sharp pang through your chest, and your vision blurred with exhaustion. You tried to focus on driving safely, your mind drifting to the warmth of your bed and girlfriend waiting for you at home. Not long now…

But just as you approached a traffic light, your car sputtered, the engine emitting a series of ominous noises before finally giving out with a pathetic wheeze. Panic seized you as you coasted to the side of the road, hazard lights flashing weakly in the rain.

You tried to restart the engine, but it only responded with a feeble groan before falling silent again.

“Oh you piece of shit!” You slammed your hand on the wheel as the car’s engine light flickered an angry red, “Stupid, fucking-“ An awful cough broke off your curse, your grip on the wheel turning white as your lungs burned.

After you caught your breath, you leaned back in your seat, feeling utterly defeated. Each raindrop seemed to mock your predicament, drumming against the windshield like a cruel taunt. With a heavy heart and a pounding headache you pulled out your phone - fighting back exhausted tears as you saw the critical low battery warning flash up on the screen.

You didn’t know the number of any breakdown services or anyone that could really be of help. The most you were able to do was to text Tony to ask him to help you move your car tomorrow. He had always been quick to respond so you found your spirits lifting just an inch higher when he agreed. However, those spirits were surely crushed when you opened up the Uber app on your phone only for the screen to turn black, taunting you with the picture of an empty battery.

“For fucks sake!”

There was nothing more you could do. You’d just have to walk. Nobody was coming to save you. You were a grown girl. You can look after yourself. There was a grocery store just down this road, maybe 10 minutes or so. You’d be able to stop there, rest, maybe pick up a few supplies. There’d be a phone there too, you’d be able to call someone to pick you up.

As you trudged through the rain, each step heavier than the last, you had to practically drag yourself down the street as your congested lungs begged for air. It was hard for see through the constant rain; the whistling of the wind made your ears throb. The chill of your soaked clothes clung tightly to your skin, and the coughing fits continued to rack your exhausted body until finally you’d made it.

You didn’t wait any longer before heading inside. The bright fluoresce of the lights made your eyes sting a little but this was miles better compared to being outside getting battered by the rain.

With each stumbling step, you grabbed a basket make your way to find some medicine. You just wanted something to make you feel better, just anything that would put an end to your awful day.

Maybe you should get some actual groceries whilst you where did. It wouldn’t hurt to stock up the cupboards a little, you might as well consider you were here.

Little did you know your girlfriend was already one step ahead of you.

Natasha’s eyes widened a little as she strolled down the aisle, pushing along half a cart of groceries as she hummed. Y/N? What were you doing here? This was a pleasant surprise and she kept quiet as she snuck up to you.

“Hey bub.” Her warm voice murmured, and you felt familiar arms wrap around the front of your waist. Natasha’s head came to rest on your shoulder as she nosied at what you were looking at, “I thought we agreed that I’d be doing groceries this week.” She purred, kissing the side of your neck sweetly.

You shrugged through gritted teeth, your damp clothes crinkling uncomfortably, “I just needed something.”

“Hold on.” Her brow crinkled just a little, “I thought you had work?” She paused, her face shifting slightly as she realised just how soaked you were. This was not the kind of damp someone got just walking from the car to the entrance. You were drenched! “God, you’re soaked Y/N! Where on earth have you been? Did you walk here?!”

Your eyes cast to the floor. You’d forgotten that it was usually the day that the two of you had gone grocery shopping. Of course, it hadn’t even occurred to you that Nat might’ve been in the store.

“I may have got a little damp.” You sniffled thickly, trying to keep your tone neutral but the painful rasp in your voice instantly gave yourself away, “…and my car may or may not have broken down coming back from work.”

Natasha's concern deepened as she noticed your raspy voice. "Oh, sweetheart, you should have called me. I would've come to pick you up." Her voice softened, filled with genuine worry. Her grip tightened around you a little. “You're not just ‘damp’, you're practically drenched and- oh, what’s this?” Her eyes glanced down, noticing the theme of items in your own basket.

She had just about to ask you about them, but her question was answered when you ducked into your elbow with two forceful sounding sneezes barely seconds later.

“Double bless you!” Her tone shifted instantly to one of comfort, “Guess I don’t need to ask why your voice is so hoarse and you’re buying meds then, hm?” She cooed and you turned around with a pout, letting your head fall onto her shoulder as you wrapped your arms around her.

“You’re not feeling well.” It wasn’t a question, she just looked at you, looking deep into your weary eyes as she continued to hold you, “How long?”

You let out a small cough into her shoulder, “This morning. Got worse at work, got sent home which was beyond embarrassing.” Your croaking voice mumbled in defeat as Nat’s hand came to soothingly rub your back.

“I’m so tired and achy.” You continued, grumbling softly, finally feeling the weight of the day begin to let up as Nat continued to hold you in the moment, “My throat’s been so bad all day and I’ve had to constantly yell at people to do their jobs properly because apparently they’re all incompetent idiots that don’t know their elbows from their arse!”

Natasha couldn’t help but laugh a little at your choice of words but quickly shut up when you shot her a glare - of course the glare had been in no way intimidating with your sleepy eyes and runny nose, but she got the hint regardless.

“Sounds rough sunshine.” She murmured, sympathetically rubbing your back before the two of you began to walk towards another aisle, “Let me get those for you, oh and the car?” She asked, realising you hadn’t explained.

Nat took the basket from your hand and put it in her cart despite your objections, “It just decided to give up on me, right in the middle of driving home. I text Tony and he said he’d get it moved tomorrow but then my phone died before I could call an uber so I had to walk the way back.” You coughed harshly as you explained what had happened, rubbing your throat with a whine.

“That’s some awful luck sweetheart, I’m sorry. How about we get you a few things and just spend the rest of the day being warm and cosy?” Nat offered as a pulled a stuffed animal from the shelf, nuzzling it against your cheek before putting it into the cart.

Your face lightened up a little and you found yourself keeping a little closer to her as the pair of you continued through the store, “You wanna get some ice cream for that poor throat of yours sweet girl?” She asked, but of course she already what the answer would be.

As you nodded eagerly, Natasha smiled, glad to see a hint of brightness returning to your expression. She led you to the freezer section, picking out your favourite flavour without hesitation. "Here we go," she said, placing it gently in the cart beside you. "Oh, and we should get some tea as well, all we have is that herbal stuff Wanda likes but it’s kinda bitter, you’ll feel better with something sweeter. I think.”

She kept her hand softly holding your own you both headed over to find the tea - occasionally pausing as Nat picked up some of the general groceries you needed but it was hard to miss how she kept adding in small treats for you along the way, your favourite drink, snacks she even chose your favourite scent of laundry detergent.

Eventually your fever raging brain felt too fuzzy to keep paying attention, so you switched off, trusting her enough to let her lead you along without asking questions.

Her voice seemed to echo and your vision blur before a hand cupping your cheek brought you back to reality. “Hey, earth to Y/N.” Natasha repeated herself, “You dazed out for a second there sweetie. Did you hear what I said?”

“Uh, no, sorry.” You answered sheepishly, warm embarrassment creeping up into your cheeks.

But Nat only smiled at you, her warm gaze making you relax, “I asked what tea you’d like baby.”

You nodded and turned to look over the assortment of boxes. You weren’t much of a tea person, in fact you never really drank it at all unless you were sick and Nat was definitely more of a coffee girl, herself. As you looked over the selection, a sudden sneeze caught you off guard, you stumbled back a little and bumped into Nat which made your girlfriend shake her head fondly as you sniffled in surprise.

“Bless you again. Looks like we’ll need some more tissues," She deducted, kissing your cheek swiftly before jogging back to the previous aisle, quickly returning with a few extra boxes and added them to the cart.

"You poor thing," Nat said sympathetically, as she opened one of the boxes in the cart and handing you a tissue. "Here, blow your nose love.”

“Thanks.”

“Berry-Bliss?” She read the name of the tea you’d chosen, after you’d finished blowing nose. “Is that one the kind you want?”

You shrugged sluggishly, biting back a groan as your muscles ached, “I’ll give it a try.”

“Worth a try.” She agreed, taking the box from you, not missing the chance to kiss your forehead as she did so. “You’re really warm baby. How about we pay up and get you back home sweetheart? I know you’re exhausted.”

As she suggested heading home, you nodded gratefully, taking her hand and letting her lead you towards the check outs. It wouldn’t take long to pay and get home but when you did, you knew you were in for an evening of cuddling and love.

Who could ask for more?

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[crystalandbow]

PICK A PILE🤍

CALL OUT EDITION

Pile 1 is beach, pile 2 is garden, pile 3 is swans. Take the reading with a grain of salt and only take what resonates 🤍

If you liked the reading, lmk! & Follow for more

Hello pile 1👋🏻

Or should I say hello my mama bears

lol anyways let's begin!!!

The cards that you got: 2 of swords, ace of coins, the emperor and the ace of cups.

Okie so The 2 of swords really sums it up for y'all, the others cards just confirm it more. like you guys are torn between 2 options/paths/things/ whatever. Making a decision is important because It seems like this has been on your mind for some time and is bugging you ? Taking up all your mental energy/stamina. *like a vampire/jk* most of y'all already know which path you want to choose but for some reason you haven't locked in your answers is what I am feeling. And now it's time to make a decision! It might be that you are afraid for some reason, you have this fear of what if things go wrong or something like that or it might be that you are unable to make a decision because both options seem equally tempting.

I think you can choose any path because they will have decent results. The advice or call-out message is that whatever you chose to do for your situation, stick with it. Its not about the options it's about you! The reason why I called you guys mama bear is because that is how you should deal with your current situation. Chose whichever path you want, fight or flight. But stick with it! Know that what you did was absolutely okay!! You have to embody the emperor's energy (of being bold and authoritative, because it is your life, do not fall for anything that doesn't feel right )

The ace of cups tells me that you guys should make a decision using your heart ( feelings & intuition) because afterall you know what's best for you! follow your intuition/gut feeling, don't be afraid of anything YOU ARE THE EMPEROR & YOU'VE GOT IT !

Keywords: stability, bravery & action. Facing fears/oppositions, gut feeling

Ig thats it, lmk how I did and only take what resonates 🤍 have a good day/evening/night

Hello pile 2 👋🏻

Cards you got: 3 of cups, death, 2 of cups & 9 of cups

I'm getting the word "love potion" for guys, I mean we do have alot of cups *the 2,3 and nine of cups* woah! That's alot of emotions. I'm also getting the word "self acceptance" all the cards are so positive but it doesn't feel that good? Something feels heavy? And a Lil stressful yk? I think the message for you guys is opening up yourself.

Y'all might have the habit of guarding yourself, but many times sometimes you just end up over doing it, leaving you feeling sad? Y'all feel that you are different from others in a sad way and that you have to put up this "fake" self to fit in. You try to be like others / everybody around you in public and this needs to change, atleast your mindset that people won't accept you for who you are. Change is needed! Stop blaming it on other exteranl reasons. Do you even know who you actually are? Do you accept yourself? Do you love/care about yourself? Do you prioritise your needs first? Its not always others, sometimes it's our fault that we let people treat us like that! The two of cups imagery is giving me mirror energy, it looks like there's a mirror between the two peeps and they are actually the same person but also different at the same time like it's just their "other side" yk? How you view yourself, and how you let yourself be you truly. Love your inner child. Death talks about how you need to embrace all your different sides and be yourself, be unique & don't try very hard just to "fit in"

The nine of cups is here for advice and it talks about prioritising your needs first & putting yourself on the pedestal! Whether it be in romantic relationships or platonic or any relationship

Call-out message: DONT BE AFRAID TO BE YOURSELF let yourself be! Accept love, prioritise your emotional needs first!!!

Ig thats it, lmk how I did and only take what resonates 🤍 have a good day/evening/night

Hello pile 3 👋🏻

Cards you got: the strength, justice, devil & the star.

Surprisingly all major arcanas😭I really wanna know what's going on with y'all. Like what MAJOR shit is going on lmao

Anyways here's my interpretation for you guys: you guys are working hard towards some goals of yours. I'm getting the vibes that the world told you what you think or thought once upon time is unrealistic and unachieveable but to you it feels like "inner- calling". you have started working towards it and might have achieved/ overcome certain milestones and mini achievements that you should be proud about and if not then you should know that they hard work that you have put in WILL workout and you will gain the fruits for you dedication. One thing you should possibly avoid is arrogance and / or greed attachments will be different for everybody, basically avoid the temptations of the devil. Don't believe you're at the top of the world and for some it's not getting overly obsessed with results,etc. Everything will workout at the right time. The justice card over here is likely talking about getting your results. Call-out message for y'all could be to choose the path of hard work & patience instead of shortcuts and unfair means. The star card is asking you to stay optimistic regarding your work to know that it will all be worth it, you will get your answers and result just keep working hard and have pure intentions

So yeah basically, just on the right track, keeping working hard, don't fall for temptations like shortcuts, procrastination, unfair means,etc be patient and you will be good to go

Ig thats it, lmk how I did and only take what resonates 🤍 have a good day/evening/night

#pick a picture #pick a pile #pick a card #pac #tarot #free tarot reading #divineguidance #divination #daily tarot #tarot reading #free tarot #tarot community #tarot blog #tarot journal #tarotblr #tarotcommunity #tarotdaily #intuitive #intuition #tarotoftheday #tarotonline #psychic readers #psychic readings #tarot guidance #love reading #spirituality #pac tarot #tarot pick a card #tarot pac #tarot pick a pile

[loveemagicpeace]

🪐Saturn Lord of Karma Part 2🪐

Saturn in Cancer- this position can be unpleasant because Capricorn is the opposite sign of Cancer. Saturn is cold, heavy and sometimes exhausting while Cancer is emotional. The individual may find himself in uncontrollable emotional. He may feel feelings of guilt, lack, unacceptance, not belonging. Parents could be very cold and strict. Family members could keep to themselves. The individual has difficulty controlling his emotional reactions in love and intimate relationships. He can also be ashamed of his emotions. They can appear insecure, sensitive and subjective.

Saturn in Scoprio- he has deep passion, emotional attachment and family karma, which he perceives through a secretive and closed way. He can have years of emotions inside him that he never reveals. It can manifest itself through jealousy, possessiveness, manipulation. But they are afraid of emotional loneliness. There can be problems in relationships - love and marriage. Problems can also be related to sexuality (they can face sexual abuse). Education at a young age also has a great influence. These people can also have premature conception. This situation can be manifested through problematic experiences with death (direct contact with murder, suicide...). Individuals can feel bad when someone is controlling them and need constant control with everything.

Saturn in Pisces- it lays the foundations of its activities on the basis of compassion, universal understanding, selfless love and a tendency to sacrifice. The instability of the Pisces sign and the ambivalent or two-faced behavior of Saturn largely prevent the individual from realizing their idealistic expectations in love relationships or relationships. Saturn in Pisces wants to work professionally and scientifically in the field of psychology and psychotherapy, as well as in frontier areas such as mysticism, metaphysics, esotericism and astrology. People are prone to psychoanalysis, the study of the unconscious, dreams, imaginations, fantasies and or rather, trying to sort out chaos and complex systems based on universal truths and deep feelings. Many times they can be limited by their emotions. The professional path can be disturbed if alcohol and drugs are present.

Saturn in Aries- the goals of a planet and a sign can be different. Saturn can create strict and unyielding control or pressure over an individual's personality. The relationship with the saturn could be painful or cruel. You can secretly beat parents, teachers, authorities, authorities and laws. People may have a tendency to impose their opinions or beliefs on others. They may be afraid of humiliation, submission, or personality. That is why he strengthens his personality, which is able to overcome all obstacles and problems on the path of life. He has goals and the ambition to climb up. They may have trouble achieving self-control, as they have a strong ego that wants to achieve their goals by any means necessary.

Saturn in Leo -ego is difficult to develop here. Leos like playfulness and Saturn likes seriousness. Parenting can be rough. They may have influenced their personality, playfulness, joy. People have a hard time finding their inner child. A person can behave contrary to what he is. They may wear a mask and be afraid of people seeing them as they are. They never want to show their weaknesses because they feel that people will use them. They can be great players. They cannot accept failure and lack self-criticism

Saturn in Sagittarius-Saturn here can introduce criticality, skepticism, which can reduce people's faith, joy in life, life's joys. They may have feelings of pessimism, sadness. These people can really struggle to find meaning. They want spontaneity but find it difficult to achieve. Accepting responsibility curbs the tendency to exaggerate, which can mean on one side overloading with work, duties and obligations, and secondly promiscuity, unrestrained freedom and moral laxity. The individual is afraid of social failure, so he tries very hard to make a good impression on other people.

Saturn in 1st house- these people are very careful in everything they do, because circumstances have taught them so. They don't trust immediately, but only over time. People have a problem with expressing themselves freely and it also shows a lack of initiative. People can be insecure and this can turn off a lot of relationships. This could be the influence of his parents in the past. Many times these people have a mask that they walk with and therefore it is difficult to really identify them. They are shy. And indecisiveness or arrogance many times use their defense mechanism. If Saturn is in conjunction with the ascendant, this usually indicates problems at birth, a difficult or long labor. The individual does not dare to step into life clearly, loudly, openly. Many times this situation indicates self-isolation, which can turn into depression. Many times they can be afraid even though nothing like that has happened. They work calmly, reliably, responsibly and seriously.

Saturn in 4th house-Saturn here greatly cools all relationships in the domestic environment. Home and family may be completely satisfactory, clean and orderly from a formal point of view, but there is emotional emptiness, repulsion and coldness among family members. Living in such a family is very unpleasant and difficult. When you set up your own home, there is a possibility of divorce or divorce. The arrangement of the home is often traditional or even archaic: the father does the traditionally male work, the mother the female, the children must strictly observe the rules and restrictions. What happens in the domestic circle must remain strictly confidential, because these things are not discussed in public. In this situation, there is also the possibility that one or both parents are alcoholics, drug addicts, without a job or income, or have some other serious problems. It can also happen that the individual has no parents at all, that they are replaced by grandparents, relatives or guardians, or that their home is an orphanage or an institution. Even when you live alone you can feel empty sometimes. The decision to have a family can be thought out because otherwise you may have problems with blockages and restrictions with your partner. It is important to get closer to your partner because you can live in the same house but be estranged.

Saturn in 5th house-fear of risk or games of chance, incapacity for love adventures, problems with conceiving, giving birth and raising children, feelings of rejection, lack of joy in living and enjoying, satisfaction. You can hide that happy side of you from others. This is the result of heredity and upbringing. Because the flow of creative energy was hindered or even blocked, your self-actualization and self -identification could suffer. Perhaps such a child never received the proper recognition that he is a worthy, independent and self-sufficient being, but was subjected to strict control, discipline and prohibitions. So his ego could not develop to the point where he could be happy because he is a living and creative being. Thus, a child and later an adult feel unaccepted. This position also means that the individual cannot have children, or else the years cause him many problems, strains and pains. This position sometimes also indicates the need for the individual to express himself as important, respected.

Saturn in 8th house-this house shows shared values ​​and values ​​with a partner, about various help and support of a partner, about sexual habits and sexuality in general, about secrets, psychological research, attitude to death, about other people's money and financial institutions, and about surgical procedures. It limits the flow and exchange of emotional energy between the partners, which can be expressed in the way that the partners try to control the emotional processes, with which they disturb each other. There is a strong emotional attachment in the relationship, or there is not - in the event that this is not the case, problems may arise when sharing joint money and property. Indeed, Saturn in the eighth house indicates emotional alienation, unrestrainedness and old fashionedness. There is also the possibility of theft, financial losses or the loss of all possessions, which happens after the emotional connection is gone. Pairing support is important. Indeed, this support depends on emotional connection. Since the eighth house is also related to sexuality, it is not surprising if prostitution becomes one of the career options. This position indicates involvement in psychological research and psychotherapy.

Saturn in 9th house-The ninth house tells something about the individual's ideals, faith, relationship to the sacred, ethical and moral principles, deep knowledge, philosophy of life, foreigners and relations with them, high-level education, long travel and long-distance means of transport (planes). It is typical for Saturn in the ninth house that education was traditionally oriented. The mentality and attitudes of the parents could be uncompromisingly transmitted to the child. Later in life, you may not be able to handle yourself well or think for yourself. Their philosophy of life is also rigid and traditional, and it is very difficult to change it because it is deeply rooted. Thus, the search for new ideals, beliefs and philosophy of life can become problematic. This position also shows a skeptical attitude towards everything that cannot be scientifically or orthodoxly proven, which indicates the fear that any unproven and unconfirmed belief could cause great ethical and moral damage.

Saturn in 12th house-this house represents unconscious, collective and karmic content, secrecy, isolation, humanitarian work, illegal business, final processes, the pre-natal state of the embryo, closed institutions and hidden opponents. Saturn in this house indicates fear, anxiety and horror at the loss of one's own substance. Hard to reach firmness and maturity. You can be exposed to many karmic relationships, chaotic. You usually have extraordinary problems when it comes to standing up for yourself and showing a solid inner structure. We can say that a person with Saturn in this position is his own biggest opponent. Although you try hard to build a suitable personality or life structure, you partially succeed in this only later in life. This position is certainly also karmic, because the current incarnation requires him to overcome the obstacles of the past and establish a relationship between time and non-time. The individual often feels as if he is imprisoned in a prison, mental hospital, or some other closed institution from which he is trying to break free. The twelfth house is also the field of prenatal events, which refers to the period in the last third of pregnancy, when the mutual experience of mother and child is especially close. With Saturn in this position, there is usually a severe fear of giving birth itself, so the mother can be very worried about how the birth will go and whether everything will turn out well. In addition to fear, there is also unease and dissatisfaction with the fact that she got pregnant at all. Feelings of guilt are also possible, which are connected to the fact that the mother did not want the child in the first place. Feelings can be transferred to the child. Because of this, feelings of tension and alienation may appear later. These are the causes of imaginary psychological problems, why a person experiences life as foreign and problematic.

-Rebekah🎸🧚🏼‍♀️🌊

#astrology #energy #zodiac signs #planets #my notes #astrological houses

[toomanyideasandfandoms]

Can you do kaeya for death seeking creator please?

Oh I absolutely can! I apologize if how I characterize him is inaccurate. But I hope you enjoy it either way!!

Typical death warnings here, plus some possible psychological horror from Kaeya's perspective? Idk

News of imposters had been sprouting up frequently within the confines of the bar, it seems that's what most talk about lately. Kaeya never paid much mind to it as he felt the topic of such gruesome punishments that befell them were inappropriate to drink to. Though with a more hazy mind he would call himself a hypocrite, as he also would be in agreement for those who defiled the Primordial Mother's image to receive such punishments.

But as of now he had a clear mind, obversing everything he can as he looked down at the dirty individual before him. They're eyes were wide in fear, hands clutching onto the grass below as if ready to run any second. It was clear they were terrified, thinking their life was about to end. And while he would happily will it, he has a more...humane method in ridding the world of such heretics.

"My, you look a bit worn-out. Do you need any help?" He asked, pitching his voice to give off the false concern he wished to show. He reaches out his hand in help, his smile just barely there. He can see them hesitate, very much in disbelief at his 'kindness'. He couldn't blame them, no one would be kind to someone as disgusting as them. "Let's find some shelter you can use. I have some preserved slabs of meat to cook up, as I'm sure you're hungry."

A growl from their stomach answers him, causing him to laugh from the sheer predictability of these people. He gently guides them towards a safer area, ignoring the shine in their eyes as they followed. He sets up a tent and a cooking fire easily, refusing to let them help him.

As the meal cooks he asks the imposter before him what their situation was, only half listening as they prattled on about them not being at fault and they were just born that way. Something he has heard before from the recountings of others who have come across such vial people as this one. He responds with feigned sympathy, telling them how sorry he was for the tragedies they faced.

Once the food was finished he gave them a large helping, saying they needed all the food they could get if they wished to find another safe place somewhere else. He was able to hold in his expression when the dirty individual gave their thanks, looking at him as if he was some savior. In some way he was, he would delude to himself sometimes, for he would give then this false hope before they were to close their eyes for the final time.

As the sun was setting over the horizon, Kaeya grinned as the imposter yawned loudly. Their eyes drooped as a hazy look settled over, before falling over to snooze against the dirt below. The sleep potion had worked wonders, as he knew it would. Carefully picking them up, he gently placed them a few meters away from the campsite, as to not get blood on his equipment.

Taking his sword in hand, he presses it against their throat, watching them shiver in their sleep as the cool metal touched their skin. He studies their face, fascinated in how it was a one to one recreation of the god who not only gave him and everyone life, but that also guided him guided throughout his years.

"Apologies my friend." He says in a whisper, with only the wind to hear. "At least you got to go in peace."

And with a quick and precise movement, he turns away as to not watch their disgusting blood seep into the grass. He walked back over to his camp, not bothering to bury the dead creature. As he looked up at the stars twinkling in the sky, he couldn't help but wonder if the Primordial Mother above was watching.

-

News of the Primordial Mother's return spread faster than any other imposter rumor had ever done. It was all anyone could talk about these days, no matter the conversation their god was always brought up. The church was bustling as many patrons were quick to pray and give offerings for when the creator would appear in Mondstadt.

Even Kaeya himself was cheerier as he watched the people around him buzz in excitement. Though it seemed to be growing a bit too much for him, as he decides to patrol outside the city for the sake of some quietness.

As he strolled towards Windrise he could feel the strong breeze, as if even Barbatos himself was celebrating. Arriving at the tree that symbolizes the old hero of Mondstadt, he looks around to take in the sights. A bit further away he could see a small patch of flowers that bloomed brighter than any other he's seen, he recalls that area was familiar but decided to held no importance.

His thoughts are quick to stop as he hears the snap of a twig, alerting him to something nearby. He quickly materializes his sword and points it in the direction of where he heard the sound, surprised to find a dirty and unkempt individual. Their hair was overgrown and matted, covering their face fully from his view. Their clothes were ripped, barely covering their form and making their golden scars apparent.

His eyes narrowed as he takes in their form, dissecting them with his gaze. He doesn't feel anything threatening from them, but a knight must always be cautious. Keeping his sword at his side, he addresses them. "My, you look a bit worn-out. Need any help?"

The person doesn't respond, they only stood there. They swayed side to side a bit, causing him to worry to them being injured. He takes a step forward, still cautious as to what movement they could use. "Are you alright?"

They still don't respond, a sense of dread enters Kaeya as he slowly moves forward. Just as he reaches out to brush their hair out of their face, they jump forward. Surprised he quickly swings his sword, causing them to scream as they fall to the ground in pain. Every nerve in his body was on high alert, his instincts telling him something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

He attempts to calm himself down, not fully believing what just happened. But the person lunges at him again, making him swing his weapon once more to slice against them. They scream in agony, drops of shining gold landing onto the grass below.

This wasn't right, nothing in this situation was right. This person, this...thing, it couldn't be bleeding the blood of the Primordial Mother. They were supposed to be graceful, elegant, clean, purity itself. Yet the figure in front of them was screaming like a beast wishing for death, it was horrifying.

"Just do it?" He hears them mumble, confusing him even more.

"Wha-"

"Just do it! Kill me again like you've done before!" They raged, their fierce gaze keeping him frozen in place. "I know your methods! The one time I thought someone was on my side, you killed me in my sleep!"

He killed them? He killed the Primordial Mother before? Nothing they said made sense. He would never have killed them. Never!

That imposter he ended ages ago, that wasn't them! There's no way! No one should have the ability to kill a god! Less of all the one who created everything!

This can't be!

It just can't be!

They lunge once more, every thought in his body screamed at him to move. If they get him they'll hurt him! So with the scream of confusion, rage, sorrow, any emotion he couldn't decipher, he swings his blade down for the final time that day.

As he watches them writhe in pain, he realizes he wasn't breathing. He grips at his chest, feeling his heart try to burst out. He drops to the ground on his knees, watching as their body withers into ash and flies off into the wind.

What had he done?

#sagau #genshin sagau #cw death #death seeking creator #sagau x reader

[thefiery-phoenix]

Read recently your post about yandere Jichang (why did he have to die 😭) so can you also do yandere Jihan Kwak ?

Sure :) And I know, I get down in the dumps every time I think about Jichang's death, WHY is the world so cruel? 😭

YANDERE KWAK JI-HAN (JIHAN KWAK) HEADCANONS

I simp for him too lol and god DAMN...I'll die from a nosebleed at some point because of how good looking so many of the Lookism characters look and cue my unholy screeching and psychotic giggling

You were visiting your grandparents for the summer vacation as you got down the bus and you sighed as you shouldered your backpack. You were too used to city life, you weren't sure how you'd fare in a quiet countryside but you did have to admit it looked peaceful. You pulled out your phone from your pocket to contact your grandparents when you realized the universe was playing a colossal joke on you since your phone battery was dead you grumbled under your breath. It's been a while since you'd visited your grandparents so you couldn't remember how their house looked like so you decided to ask someone along the way, hoping they'd know the location to their house. You were unaware of a certain pair of calculating eyes watching your every movement, surveying your features till you were approached by a guy who looked almost similar to your age and had a friendly polite smile on his face. "You seem to be lost there sweetheart...anything I can help you with?" he asked you politely as you smiled and explained your situation to him. The guy introduced himself as Jihan Kwak as the two of you headed to your grandparents house

As he kept talking to you, he couldn't help but feel more...attracted and drawn to you. You were a city dweller and yet you weren't so obnoxious and loud or had an ego complex, you had a genuine and nice personality. He kept looking at you from the corner of his eye, his cheeks heating slightly every time he saw you smile and talk about something you liked like your favorite book or your favorite movie and such, mentally noting down whatever you were telling him for future purposes when he'd meet you next time. Of course he'd be meeting you next time, and plenty more times after your first encounter, you've managed to make him intrigued and charmed him with your personality, you remind him of a fragile little doll to be honest, his savior and protector complex would get activated whenever he sees you, you're just too adorable for him, he can't take you seriously sometimes. He wonders how you've managed to survive this long but not to worry, he's here for you now

He'll pop by your grandparent's house every day and he'll have a good impression on them to get more closer to you. He usually wasn't someone who really gave love that much of a thought before he met you, he loved how soft your hands were, how kind and caring you were to those around you, how adorable you looked whenever you had that gleam of passion in your eyes when you spoke about things, how mesmerizing your eyes are and how he feels like he's getting lost in the beauty of your eyes... he loves everything about you. He isn't delusional, he knows his feelings for you are going out of control and he tries to suppress them only for something more darker, sinister and twisted to emerge as a form of love for you

He's aware his feelings for you are unnatural but he just can't help it. He just can't seem to get enough of you. He won't spill his heart out to yet since he doesn't want you to think he's weird but at the same time he doesn't have any qualms of being clingy to you and stalking you wherever you go. You're new to the countryside, you probably wouldn't be aware of the dangers but you don't need to worry, he's there for you to protect you and keep you safe. Of course, it kind of goes without saying, since he's also the brother of Jichang who's an officer, the people around would gladly keep an eye out for you to make sure you don't get yourself into any kind of trouble

His brothers would eventually find out about his immense feelings of love for you after Jichang catches his brother stalking you in the night as he simply glared at his brother which made it a bit awkward for a few seconds till they went back home and Jichang, Jibeom and Jihan sat down for a family discussion where he'll eventually be forced to spill his guts and heart regarding his feelings for you. Of course, they'd be happy for him and they don't really see anything wrong with how twisted his concept of love had become for you and Jichang would do whatever research necessary to find out more information regarding you by pulling a few strings here and there and would get rid of someone posing a threat to yours and Jihan's relationship. He wants his little brother to be happy after all, law be damned, plus they're eager to welcome you into their fold

Jihan likes being affectionate with you, deep down he's slightly insecure you might find someone else better than him which makes him even more clingier to you than usual till he starts developing the fear and paranoia of you leaving him. One day when you told him you'd be going back to your parents house since the summer vacation was over, he just looked at you in complete shock. For a moment he forgot you were on summer vacation and you were just visiting, he'll swallow the bitter lump forming in his throat as he wishes you all the very best and would invite you over for his house for dinner to which you'd agree. Then he'll formulate a plan to ensure you'd stay with him since he just can't afford to lose you, you mean so much to him. He'd feel empty without you and there needs to be someone by your side to take care of you, he's more than willing to be that man for you

Jichang would assist him in procuring some sedative to make you fall asleep after you've finished consuming the food which would make you black out in less than five seconds. Deep down Jihan feels slightly guilty he's slipping sedatives in your food but his fear of losing you overrides his sense of rationality which would compel him to slip the sedatives in your dish while telling himself that it's for your own good and he can't lose you. You're all smiles as you greet his brothers and they're really impressed with your courteous behavior and politeness. Jibeom would nudge Jihan in the chest and smirk at him and whisper what a good choice his brother made as Jihan grows slightly flustered and drinks some water. After you've finished eating your food, before you're about to bade them farewell, you lost your consciousness and you ended up blacking out in Jihan's arms as he carried you to a room and placed a blanket over you and caressed your head lovingly. You woke up after a few hours when the sedatives finally wore off as you looked around, confused as to what was going on when you were supposed to be at your grandparents house, packing for going back to your parent's house in 2 days

Jihan will enter the room and hand you a glass of water as he explains what he did and you'd stare at him in shock. He'd be hurt if you scream or insult him but he understands, he understands how you feel. It's a new concept for you and you can have all the time in the world to adjust, he doesn't mind. If you cry, he'll feel really bad and he feels an ache in his heart from seeing you cry as tears are streaming down your face. He wanted to ensure your happiness all the time, he didn't like seeing you sad so he'd just hold you in a comforting embrace and pat your head gently, telling you how much you mean to him. He isn't unreasonable, he knows you might be mad at him but deep down he'll be hurt and have the expression of a kicked puppy if you ignore him. Nonetheless he'll never raise his voice or hands at you, he can't bring himself to hurt you. That thought wouldn't occur to him even in his worst nightmare. With the kindness and love he's treating you with, you'll end up getting Stockholm Syndrome faster than Zack always screaming for Mira

You actually might have a shot at escaping from him since he does tend to take you out on dates outside to make sure you don't die from boredom from being at home all the time but if you do end up escaping, it'll be Jichang who'll find you and just bring you back to Jihan. Jihan would be worried about you and check you for injuries and then he'd tell you in a very serious tone how he'd never let you attempt something like this again since he loves you too much so now you'll have to earn his trust back before you're allowed to go out. If it's someone trying to take you from him then it's a completely different story. He might be kind and loving to you but his personality is like a snake, cunning and crafty as he analyzes how to get rid of the pest to meddle in between the both of you. Don't forget about his fighting skills, he's learnt from the very best himself and will not hesitate to snap the person's bones like a twig if he has to for your sake and the person would disappear off the face of the planet the next day who may or may not be buried 6 feet under the ground or probably fed to the wild dogs they have, but you don't need to stress your pretty head about that. Just leave all the violence and brutal things to him all right?

His love for you has no bounds which is mixed with possessiveness. Don't even try resisting his affection for you, he'll just hold you tighter to him and cuddle with you. He loves seeing you cooking, having a cute little apron on your frame as he envelopes you into a hug from the back and he kisses the nape of your neck and nuzzles your cheek with his. He truly does love you, just make him happy by being with him please, he'd be crushed if he loses you. Overall, a great yandere to have and he'd seriously be a blessing to have compared to the other messed up characters...

#yandere jihan kwak #yandere jihan kwak x reader #yandere jihan kwak scenarios #yandere jihan kwak imagines #yandere jihan kwak oneshots #yandere jihan kwak headcanons #yandere jihan kwak oneshots x reader #yandere lookism characters x reader #yandere lookism #yandere lookism characters #yandere lookism x reader #dark lookism #dark lookism characters x reader #dark lookism characters #dark lookism x reader #dark jihan kwak x reader #dark jihan #dark jihan kwak scenarios #dark jihan kwak imagines #dark jihan kwak headcanons #lookism #lookism x reader #lookism scenarios #lookism headcanons #lookism webtoon

[sqvishii]

Ok Everyone talking about Silver cheat the reader or the reader cheat Silver. But I want to up the ante of pain and angst:

Imagine a reader (for this scenario fem Reader) being Silver's wife. That they both live in the kingdom of thorns having a happy and comfortable life. Although the reader could not return to his world, she was at least able to build a life in TWST with his current husband

So Silver, being one of the main guards of Mallues and the son of General Lilia. In some way or another he is someone who has a certain degree of power in the kingdom due to his position and lineage. So it certainly wouldn't be unusual for someone ill-intentioned to want to get something from Silver (either by stealing or getting forbidden information from the Draconia family or even Lilia) The point is that said person had Silver in his sights as he was technically "the least powerful" (Mallues being the king, Sebek being half-fae and Lilia being a former war general). Whether for any reason they manage to discover the traitor (Silver's work)

But said person manages to escape and is now searching for the Kingdom. The ill-intentioned person, wanting to take revenge on Silver, decides to take away what he loves most. So upon hearing rumors that Silver has a wife who some claim has no magic. The traitor finds the house and murders the reader.

Silver along with other guards are patrolling and looking for the traitor. But he has the feeling that something bad is happening so he tries to call the reader and try to inform her about the situation. But no one answers...even though he has dialed almost 25 times, his wife does not answer his calls. Panic-stricken Silver runs towards his home. Only to find his house damaged and his wife dead on the floor.... Silver gives a cry of pain that echoed throughout the forest. Silver who didn't rest until the damn thing was found

When the traitor is captured by orders of the king and his right hand is executed to death. The now widower who discovered that when his wife was murdered she was newly pregnant ...Now she is buried in the back of Silver's childhood home. Now the happy little home is only inhabited by a lonely knight who never remarried or had a family. Sometimes the home is visited by three faes who take care of their lonely human. 💔

Silver, who at the end of his days never took off his wedding ring and was buried next to his deceased wife's grave. Centuries later the small abandoned house but curiously the graves are still cared for and always have small flowers around them.

STOP THIS ANGST

will the both of you still meet in the next life?

silver wished, his last days were nearing as he stood above your grave, a fresh batch of your favorite flowers in his hands.

silver vanrouge and you. such a beautiful relationship bloomed between the both of you in which silver just couldn't help but fill his journal whenever he spent his days with you.

you made him so happy. so in love like a lovesick puppy who awaited your every order.

he remembered when the shyly held your hand during the first month the both of you were dating in night raven, lilia always chuckled at the two of you and always teased him about it.

now, you're gone.

and heavens did it hurt.

it hurt. extremely; the worst part? you were pregnant with his children.

he knew you were going to surprise him with the news once he got back home, that lopsided grin on your face as you excitedly jump into his arms, he was always there to catch you.

how badly he wished he went home when that gut feeling hit him.

instead of the sight of you with that giddy smile, your radiance and basically just you in general,

he saw you, laying on the ground as the bloody pool underneath you had spread around.

writting the last page of his journal with his signature, he buried it near your grave, how badly he wanted you to read it, how badly he wanted to see that smile on your face and the blush that burned on your cheeks once you saw the years he took to finish that journal for you.

but the least he could do at the end of his life was to have himself buried near you.

years have passed and the house was already withered. despite that, the poeple who walked by could only be left confused at the sight of the flowers growing in between the two graves.

a new era set in stone, silver had heard of a book about a man who spent his life writing his journal dedicated entirely to a single woman, he heard the story was pretty heartbreaking, really.

the plot was basically the man, being in college and finding the one he loved, a woman who was magicless, years passed and he becomes one of the main guards of a fae kingdom, though a traitor was among them.

that said traitor killed the woman without the man knowing, and the plot continues. though, silver had read only a quarter of the book.. he felt like he already knew what happened, as if he was the said man in the book, ironic.

having to be dragged along with his father and brothers to a museum, he could only find himself staring at a portrait, a man whos features looked exactly like his.

'silver vanrouge.'

..huh. weird. same name, too. apparantly, this was the man in the said book he read a few days ago.

.. he could only wonder who was the woman he fell in love with.

searching around the museum without lilia knowing, he eventually found the portrait that was actually just next to the mans. whoops, he didn't notice.

there was a lot of people looking, in awe of the beauty of the painting. he was too, the woman was breathtaking, no wonder the man had fallen in love with her.

going to the front, he saw a girl who looked exactly like her.

"..-ver? silver?"

".. [name]?"

lilia and malleus could only fist bump in the background, finally reuniting the long lost lovers once more.

#!! squish writes #disney twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland #twst #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #silver twisted wonderland #silver twst #silver x reader twisted wonderland #silver vanrouge #silver x reader #silver vanrouge twst #silver vanrouge twisted wonderland #silver vanrouge x reader

[fishbloc]

hiiii friend (it’s birdie shhh didn’t want to send on my main blog) i fully support avoiding wips as i am doing the same so here is my question:

what, if you have any, are some of your favorite desert duo headcanons? can be scar or grian individually or them together

HIII BIRDIE sorry one of the wips is said yours related sigh . we're in this nightmare blunt rotation together

anyway. im gonna answer this in both for general and my WTLT!verse because theyre kinda different LOL sorry this gets long

general hcs 1) scar is a... very practical guy i would say. despite his strength lies in his words he would still favour showing care and affection. yknow stuff like cutting fruits for someone without asking. hes littered with small fleeting gestures and only someone who knows him well enough like grian could pick up on them 2) personally i always see grian as the loud annoying friend/partner/whatever you wanna call it. sure he sometimes uses it as an excuse to repress things he doesnt wanna talk about (this is where scar would usually coax him out of it) but his loudness can be really handy at times when an uneasy awkwardness fall between them. ALTHOUGH this doesnt mean grian won't 'shut down' when the situation arises (because i like quiet grian too) 3) not sure how to fit in one small paragraph about my dynamic hc for them but i can say with full conviction grian and scar would stick fruit labels onto each other's forehead when grocery shopping to piss the other off. hope this helps 😁😁

where the light touches hcs: 1) i really really like the hc that scar is so unphased by everything because hes jaded like that (whether a placid facade or no) like oh suddenly he managed to sign himself up for a death game. oh heres an immortal who wounded up in his path. oh suddenly he needs to start manipulating people to win. and hes like ok 👍 (he was first runner up in 3rd life for a reason) 2) for grian i like that hes kinda cunning in his own way. like yes hes not to full power with his watcher abilities stripped away and he can be kinda weak at times, but then he uses this front to trick people and when their guards are let down and turns the battle's tide with it. literally a small guy who packs a punch to those who underestimate him 3) for the both of them, my hc will always be that they have no choice but to trust each other wholeheartedly. because one small falter can cause their faction to fall and the only way they succeeded is because they dont second guess every time when the other will put a knife behind their back. sure this is not a popular hc but in 3rd life grian constantly stood by scar's side so. also its my storyverse and i get to pick the dynamics!!!!

#sorry i yapped #me when i dont play around with desertduo..... #have fun reading my nonsense LMAOO 😭😭😭 #邮箱

[sihtricfedaraaahvicius]

A Danish Werewolf in The City:

The First Sight.

Note: follow up to The First Shift. I have read this over and over and over again, and I just had to let it go and post it. May have missed some mistakes as my eyes literally hurt by now :') 

Warnings: 18+! horror/gore described, mention of (child) death/murder. once again, it's a dark werewolf fic...

pairing: Werewolf!Sihtric x you (f)

summary: You had fallen in love with a werewolf. 

wordcount: 3,6k

Masterlist

Chapter 1.

That something had been different about Sihtric became evident during the first few months of your relationship. 

You had first met at work, for you were both veterinarians, and you were transferred for a day to Sihtric's location as they were short staffed, and you both knew it was love at first sight. His hair was of shoulder length and braided, the sides were shaved freshly and his facial hair was well kept too. Sihtric was simply a breathtaking man, and he treated you with the utmost respect once you began dating, even asking permission before he first kissed you.

The first weeks of dating were like a dream, but then Sihtric suddenly started to disappear every few weeks for about three days. He had just gone without a word, but then showed up at your door again as if nothing had happened after those three seemingly random days. It was almost as if he died every few weeks, only to suddenly rise from the grave again and return to you, looking as beautiful and charming as ever, so you couldn't help but continue to fall for him and ignore your suspicions. Sihtric promised you that his disappearances had nothing to do with you, but that he sometimes struggled "with his own being", whatever that meant. But he soon felt inclined to open up to you and tell you about his wolf problem, as he sensed you began to doubt his loyalty due to his recurring strange behaviour.

And werewolves were not unheard of, nor were other creatures of the night, as you had treated numerous animals who had clearly been at the claws of those beings. You had just never met one and you surely never thought you'd fall in love with one, so you had a hard time accepting his honesty for a little while. You couldn't possibly imagine this was a curse he had lived with his whole life and only exposed itself during his late teens. And you, like any other regular human being, only knew of the fairytales which described werewolves as hideous monsters, and yet Sihtric wasn't a monster, for all you knew at least.

And he also wasn't the young and frightened boy anymore which he had told you about, yet it still saddened you gravely that he had lived such a tragic and lonely life, before he changed into the confident man he was now. Sihtric was clearly in full control of his other being too, only shifting when the Moon was full or when a situation called for it, so you chose to believe and trust him completely after you had taken a few days to yourself to let it all sink in. And you slowly began to understand him more and more.

The scars on his face had been something you used to ponder about at night, as he never gave you a clear answer to how he had gotten those. It was only after you found out about his beast-like nature that the scars, which graced his face as well as the rest of his impressive and muscular body, were claw markings he had earned in territorial brawls and violent fights over time, earning him the true alpha status he held now.

Sihtric's short temper, impatience and hunger for violence were also things you had been wary of at first, but it was already clear that he would never be aggressive towards you or those he cared for. He was only incredibly protective and possessive of you, both traits you didn't really mind as it made you feel safe and desired by a beautiful man. The way he always held you close in public or how he refused to let you walk home on your own once it was dark, it all made your heart beat faster for him. But you also never suspected Sihtric did those things out of a fear which was deeply rooted inside of him and every other werewolf; terrified of losing a loved one to a werewolf's natural enemy.

But the most peculiar thing about Sihtric were probably his sexual urges, and the fact that he seemed to have an insatiable sex drive. You could make love for an entire rainy day, and he still wouldn't be completely satisfied or even remotely tired, like a normal human would be. And for some reason he always insisted on being intimate in the dark, with the lights off and the curtains closed, which struck you as odd too, for his physical appearance was not one to be ashamed of.

Another thing was that Sihtric has a tendency to suddenly sink his teeth in your skin whenever you were intimate, never drawing blood or piercing your flesh, but hard enough to leave a mark behind on your body that was more serious than a simple love bite. You also swore you saw his eyes glow every time you had sex, one a bright red and the other a piercing blue. It seemed so inhuman, but you told yourself it had to be a reflection of some sort which simply enhanced his heterochromia. And it often felt as if his nails became sharper during intercourse, leaving scratches all over your skin and tearing up the sheets as well, and he loved to drag his tongue over your body, which felt pleasantly smooth but sometimes larger than a human tongue could possibly be. Sihtric also loves to chase you around his house whenever you'd stay over, before capturing you and throwing you on his bed, where he'd fuck you like a feral beast for hours on end. 

He couldn't explain his needs and desires to you at the time, as he did not want to frighten you with the truth that he truly was a beast, and you just figured he was an intense lover. But once you knew the truth about him, everything just made sense. And as you were in love, you weren't necessarily frightened or worried, or even fully grasping the extent of what him being a werewolf meant. 

And you couldn't even begin to imagine the horrific sights you were to witness, or the terrible stories you would hear…

You walked hand in hand with Sihtric, over a lonely path that led through darkened woods you both knew all too well. The moon was waning, barely visible as she was almost renewed again. It was a quiet and late summer night, the air was mellow and you were dressed in a loose shirt and some shorts, while Sihtric wore a sleeveless top and long dark jeans. Most people were long asleep already, but you and Sihtric were a match made in heaven as you both enjoyed the dark and quietness after sunset, and with your werewolf lover by your side you felt as if you had nothing left to fear for.

Several weeks had passed since you had fully accepted your werewolf boyfriend, and you had never been more in love. But the horrors you were to face soon, as you strolled through the woods while stealing kisses and murmuring sweet nothings to each other in the dead of night as your hands were intertwined, were horrors you would never forget for as long as your heart would beat.

'You don't dare to say it,' you giggled as you moved swiftly between the thick trees, playfully running and hiding from your beloved, who would always find you with ease due to his werewolf senses. But that didn't make it any less fun for either of you.

'Yes, I do,' Sihtric laughed as he caught you in his strong arms, and he brought you down to the ground without flexing a single muscle.

He quickly climbed on top of you and leaned in, cupping your cheeks and softly nuzzling your nose lovingly, while his low chuckle made you lightheaded and your lips curled into a smitten smile. You smelled the earthy scent of the ground beneath you as you were pinned down by a man so much stronger than you, but Sihtric had you so enchanted that you didn't even care your clothes would become dirty or your hair messy, and you had never felt more safe than you did whenever your body was pressed against his.

'Then say it,' you quietly dared him again as your hands moved up in his long loose hair, and slowly raked through it to which he closed his eyes and smiled.

'I love you,' Sihtric whispered, lips faintly touching yours, 'I really do.'

Your breath hitched when you finally heard those words you had so dared him to speak, and you pulled him in, closing the last small distance that was left and your lips locked in the sweetest, yet most needy kiss possible.

'Say you love me,' Sihtric growled softly, smiling, and he gently headbutted you.

'I love you too,' you smiled and trailed your hands down his chest.

Sihtric dropped his head with a shy smile upon hearing you say it, overwhelmed with his feelings for you, which were of such force that it almost made it hard for him to breathe. But his bliss was only short lasting when he suddenly caught a scent, and he snapped his head up while his face was set serious and his mismatched eyes wide. He sat completely still, and you could see his ears wiggly faintly at something you couldn't hear.

'What?' you asked, confused while running your hands over his arms as you looked up at him, 'what is it?'

'The undead,' Sihtric said monotonically and perked up further.

'What?' you half laughed.

'The undead. I smell them.'

'Wait,' you chuckled nervously, 'you mean like… zombies?'

Sihtric scoffed lightly and shook his head.

'I wish it was zombies,' he said and pulled you up with him, 'but I mean vampires, love.'

Sihtric placed his hand on the small of your back, politely urging you to walk with him as he gradually increased his speed, wanting to bring you back home safely and far away from the scent that lingered in the air for him. But before you could make it out of the woods, you were already surrounded.

Sihtric's eyes darted over the pale and heartbeat-lacking creatures, his jaw clenched tightly while he held you in his arms and pressed firmly against him. You weren't all that up-to-date about werewolves and their rivals, but you knew like most people that vampires and lycanthropes never got along, and you clung onto your still human shaped boyfriend while one vampire stepped forward.

'Well, well,' the pale man laughed, 'a dog and it's human, and what an endearing pup you are!'

'What is it you want?' Sihtric cut to the point, 'because this is neutral ground, so there is no need for anyone to get harmed.'

'Well,' the master vampire scoffed, who looked old and ugly, 'your father killed my wife on neutral ground. So it is only fair if I return the favour and kill,' he paused and gestured at you, 'whatever she is to you.'

'I have nothing to do with what my father-'

'Ah!' the vampire exclaimed as he sniffed the air, ignoring Sihtric, 'such fresh human blood running through her veins, but sadly… not a virgin anymore. Oh, well,' the old vampire shrugged while the others grinned, 'I'll take her anyway. And sure, you may have nothing to do with your father, but you are still a werewolf of his tribe.'

'I'm not part of his tribe!' Sihtric hissed, 'I created my own.'

'But you're all the same, are you not?' the vampire spoke slowly as he crept closer, 'sneaking into houses at night… waking up defenceless mothers… asking if you can take their child away… and in their hazy and disorientated state they might just give their permission, and that's another snack earned easily, no? And, oh, how you wolves hypnotise those children, as well as the cattle of the same poor family, with just your gazes. And for what? For thinking the curse could be broken? Such foolish dogs you are…'

You listened carefully and shivered at the ideas the ancient one bestowed. You looked up at Sihtric, whose face did all but ease your fright that he could be a monster such as described. Sihtric looked away from you, as if ashamed, and he only swallowed hard in response to your gaze while he looked down at his feet. The vampire became aware of your horror, and was entertained at the idea that you would most likely be disgusted with your partner now, and he laughed.

'Oh, does she not know?' he asked Sihtric, darkly amused, 'does she also not know how you attacked the very first human you encountered in your wolf form, after your first transition? Or the other thing you have done to try and break your curse, hm? Because I know all about you, Sihtric Kjartansson, and I could tell your lovely lady here all about you.'

Sihtric suddenly snarled, and you flinched at the guttural sound as he held you protectively in his arms.

'Don't!' Sihtric bared his teeth at the vampire, 'don't you dare-'

'This beast,' the vampire mocked Sihtric and looked at you, 'has attacked numerous pregnant women in his life, yes, yes. For those silly Danish werewolves all believe that if they were to eat a fresh male foetus, thus slicing open a poor lady's womb with a single scratch of their claw to obtain the unborn child, their curse would be broken.'

You felt dizzy and sick to your stomach while the vampire snickered. You had no response, you only stared intently and quietly at the master, wishing that his words were all just lies and that Sihtric would never do such a monstrous thing or believe such a horrible superstition. And you felt Sihtric's chest heave up and down as he fought his urge to shift, while a roaring anger boiled inside of him and his arms around you became tighter, almost suffocating.

Sihtric never meant to hide his blooddrenched past from you, but it was something he was deeply ashamed of and knew it would most likely scare you away from him. He wanted to tell you everything about him, but in time. You had only just gotten used to the fact that he was a werewolf, and he intended on easing you into the awful secrets of his past, but now a truly dark page of his life was suddenly exposed to you. His early days as a young werewolf had been confusing, violent and bloody, as he had tried everything he possibly could to undo his first transformation. No matter how horrific it was, Sihtric tried everything, he even tried to undo his werewolf being by converting to Christianity at some point.

'And… did it work, wolf boy?' the elder snickered, 'killing those harmless women and eating their children?'

'Would you like to find out? You filthy fucking bloodsucker!' Sihtric threatened, and the vampires began to close in rapidly.

Sihtric shoved you behind him, and he bared his teeth at the vampires before he told you to run.

'Run and don't look back, whatever you hear,' he urged and gave you a light push, 'run home, and don't invite anyone in who might show up at your door.'

'I… I-,' you stammered, visibly shaking and still in shock after everything that had just happened, but Sihtric cut you off before you could say anything else.

'Run! Now!' he growled, and you did as you were told.

You turned and ran as fast as you possibly could to exit the woods, but when you heard the sudden sound of clothes being ripped at the seams and the awful sound of bones snapping, you stopped running. You turned to face Sihtric again while you were at a distance, and what you then witnessed couldn't be anything other than a nightmare. You saw how your boyfriend grew and ripped out of his clothes, and you heard his bones snap as he deformed and fell down on all fours. You watched and heard him grunt and growl, while every muscle in his body contracted until a sudden thick coat of fur appeared on his bare back and his face changed into that of a monstrous being. Your eyes grew wide at the horrific sight of the half man-half wolf, who had told you he loved you only moments ago. And you felt sick at the sight of his blooded claws and those sharp teeth, remembering how he had used those to devour humans and cattle with. Those same hands that had caressed you and those same teeth he had dragged over your naked body, only so carefully and full of love, unlike what he had used them for on others.

You saw how Sihtric got up on his back legs, being twice his human size and towering over the vampires like an optical illusion. His muscular torso was still recognisable, even with the thin layer of black fur covering it now. And he was a… a beast. A foul creature of the night! And yet he still had enough human traits that you recognised your boyfriend in the murderous animal in the distance. You opened your mouth as you wanted to scream at the terrifying sight, but no sound ever left your throat as you watched the horror unfold while you were nailed to the ground.

The vampires had long forgotten about you, they'd rather slaughter a werewolf than drink the blood of a polluted human who had slept with their enemy. And you then heard Sihtric's deafening and bone chilling howl echoing through the dark night as he threw his head back, and he raised his massive arms and began to swing at the vampires who dared to take their chance. You heard the nauseating sound of claws ripping through flesh and the splattering of blood against the thick trees, and the sight of limbs being ripped and torn off was a terror you would never forget, while the bone crunching sound of it made you fall to your knees, and you retched as you began to cry.

And after you had witnessed half of the vampire massacre, which seemed to happen in slow motion while in reality it all went so fast, Sihtric snapped his head towards you, and he snarled loudly at you before he was jumped by the remaining vampires. His snarl was so heavy and frightening that it rumbled through the air and made you jump up, and you began to run again as fast as your legs allowed. And as the tears rolled down your face while you ran, you covered your ears upon hearing what sounded like a dog wince and cry in pain. You knew the heartbreaking noise came from Sihtric, but you were too afraid to look back, so you ran home…

You weren't sure how much time had passed after you had reached your home and locked the doors behind you with blind panic. You only remembered running upstairs, to your bedroom, where you threw up and fainted once you sat down on your bed, not having closed your bedroom window.

You were woken up sometime later, the sky outside still dark while the streets were quiet, and you slightly raised your head up when a sudden sense of dread alarmed you. You held your breath once you caught a foul whiff of the smell of blood and flesh, and you slowly turned to face the nightmare that stood in your room, which had climbed in through your window and had shredded your curtains. You cowered at the shadowy sight of your werewolf boyfriend towering over you as he stood at the end of your bed, and you began to cry for help. Sihtric then whined and backed off, throwing his large, hairy and clawed hands up to show you he meant no harm, but he also understood you were terrified of him as you hid your face behind your hands while you muttered something that sounded like a prayer.

Sihtric was too ashamed to shift back to his human form, he couldn't possibly face you as himself, but he knew he also couldn't keep his current shape. So he crouched down and, out of your sight, shifted from his horrible werewolf figure into that of a large black coated wolf. He then carefully moved closer and climbed on your bed. You yelped and flinched at his first touch; a light headbutt to your shoulder to gain your attention, and you then slowly lowered your hands and saw the monster was no longer there anymore. Instead, there was a beautiful big black wolf staring at you, with the big and recognisable mismatched puppy dog eyes of the man you loved, and a calming sensation seemed to wash over you.

You sniffled and backed away at first when you felt his tongue wipe away your tears, but you believed he meant well and allowed him to come closer again. Sihtric headbutted you once more, lovingly, and he then wrapped his front legs around you and pushed you to lay down. You turned to face him, and you couldn't stop yourself from grabbing onto his thick fur and burying your face in it as you began to cry again. 'Sihtric,' was all you could whisper, to which he whined softly. Sihtric was heartbroken to see you like this and knowing he was the cause of it all, and he pulled you in closer with his paws. He used his big, soft and bushy black tail as a security blanket, enveloping you whole while he held you tightly wrapped in his front legs, with his big fluffy wolf head resting on top of yours.

You were safe.

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#sihtric x reader #sihtric x you #the last kingdom #sihtric kjartansson #sihtric #tlk #sihtric fic #the last kingdom fic #werewolf #werewolf fic #werewolf au #sihtric au #tlk au #horror fic #horror

[bull-shit-suji]

not to like wax poetic about the literary nuances of Black Fucking Butler but i feel i need to point out how insanely campy it is. oh okay cool the butler is throwing butter knives at people with guns and winning. we're battling undertaker's zombie army by starting a boy band (we actually got the idea from the ZOMBIES' boy band). theres a curry making competition and its so important it needs an entire volume and a continuing motif dedicated to it. the Grim Reaper Death Gods are all cornballs with gardening sheers. the contradiction. the unintended irony.

i think the manga is like. toeing the line of camp. like its silly yet takes itself so seriously but its not too silly. my immersion is not broken by the silliness. but the anime is uncharted levels of camp. what the Hell was going on with pluto. you're gonna look me in the eye and tell me the phantomhives own a fifty foot dog thing and no one has noticed. simply one hell of a deer. ice skating. theres opium in funtom candy. the queen of england is maybe a little girl. speaking of which, the city of london just burned down. yeah the whole thing. the fifty foot dog was there too.

it's so ridiculously out of left field and the fact that none of the characters seem to notice or care feels like being gaslit. camp so visceral it's causing psychic damage. i am constantly begging the narrative to break character just once and acknowledge its silliness but doing so would negate the lack of awareness that makes it camp. its dated and timeless. an absolute milestone in camp history.

#it's 2 am im not articulating my thoughts well #just like. ohhhhhhhhg death and demons and walking the line between good and evil #dark acedemia vampire victorian vibes. except theres always some stupid shit happening with no explination. #like i know the tone shifts intentionally sometimes to match the haha comedic moment #thats not what im talking about #i mean when the most ridiculous plotline ever concieved is presented as a life or death situation #and after a while you're like lol this isnt dark at all and then BAM abuse trauma ptsd manipulation cults murders #the bittersweet understanding in clawing your way to the top #knowing the moment your revenge is exacted you will be consumed by the very thing that got you here #and choosing to keep climbing anyways #then boom back on that bullshit here's these motherfuckers in wonderland #the dark tone we had for all that trauma shit will Not be changing because catgirl grelle is just as serious of a topic #okay im going to bed #black butler #kuroshitsuji #sebastian michaelis #manga #ciel phantomhive #textpost #prev rb #oh i think the point i was trying to make it that its good because its camp #would not be nearly as awesome if it werent

[lord-squiggletits]

Something else that makes me sympathetic to Pharma's situation is like. Idk if there's an actual term for this or if someone smarter and more academic wrote it about some real life context that actually matters.

But, so we've already established among Pharma stans that the circumstances at Delphi were blackmail/torture with no real way out that wouldn't involve Pharma being responsible for people getting killed (either killing patients for the deal or having everyone die bc he failed his end of the deal).

And I feel like while "he's still in the wrong because he killed people" is part of it, another sort of implicit part is the idea that Pharma should've been willing to take more personal risk, maybe even risk dying? I mean, Ratchet does ask "why didn't you just detonate it near the DJD" (to which Pharma responds that he did try to get Sonic and Boom to do it, but they refused) so like

Idk I feel like we do have this social notion of martyrs as a very romantic ideal, people you can praise for being so brave and strong and righteous that they ended their own lives for their cause, while you can also coo about how sad and tragic it is that dying is what it took for them to do the right thing. But at the same time I feel like in reality, having an expectation that people become martyrs is kind of a toxic social norm bc like. It's very easy to demand that others sacrifice their lives for some Ultimate Moral Good when you yourself aren't experiencing the same hardships as they are. And ultimately it is kind of fucked up to tell someone "the moral thing you should've done was risk your life/kill yourself" because asking someone to pay their life to do the right thing is no small request. And sure, the typical response would be to call them a "coward" for caring more about saving their own skin instead of doing the right thing... but again, death is a really scary thing and self-preservation is a really strong instinct, so it kind of feels like having this binary view of "you're either a Brave Hero who sacrifices your life for everyone else or a Dirty Coward who's too scared of dying to do what's right" is kind of fucked up?

I guess the best way to describe it is that if someone willingly gives up their life as a sacrifice to others, it can be a noble thing because it's a choice they made willingly, but if it becomes a Moral Standard that in order to be a Good Person you have to be unafraid of throwing your life away and if you aren't willing to die you're a Cowardly Bad Person, that's when it becomes toxic.

Idk, I guess how this ties back to Pharma is that he was never in a position where he expected to make these kinds of moral decisions/ultimatums. He's a doctor who doesn't even get into combat, his job is to heal and not to kill, he's behind the front lines in a hospital that's supposed to be a safe, neutral place for him to heal people. So in the face of suddenly having a "murder people on behalf of me, or I murder everyone you swore to protect" ultimatum thrust upon him, I understand why Pharma wasn't """"""""""brave enough"""""""""" to "do the right thing" (whatever that would've been in the case of Delphi). You could argue that maybe a frontliner soldier accepted the burden of possibly dying for their cause and they've become used to it as someone who lives that reality every single day, but I feel like for Pharma, who's a doctor and a protected non-combatant (from what we can tell), that sort of risking of his life/living with the fact his life could be snuffed out any day isn't something he would've been prepared for at all.

And for me personally, from an outsider's perspective, it strikes me as kind of unethical to go "oh well he should've just detonated the bomb himself even if it killed him" bc again, there's a difference between witnessing a moral conundrum as a bystander versus being the person living with it and being under time pressure where it's do-or-die. Just as part of my personal standards, I feel like death is such a huge consequence/burden of someone's actions (literally you are no longer alive, any potential you had left is cut short, you cease to exist on this plane) that it feels rather callous to go "Well you should've just been willing to die for your beliefs if you really cared that much!!!"

#squiggposting #pharma apologism #this is only like tangentially related to pharma honestly #not to compare blorbos to real life but like. it reminds me of this phenomenon where privileged ppl in privileged countries #will tell ppl living in zones of war and strife 'oh well if you don't like your gov so bad just revolt against them' #like oh yes tell me how easy it is to stand up against the threats of torture and death #surely the only reason people would want to avoid that is bc they're cowards or don't want to stand up for their beliefs #contrary to what nationalism would have ppl believe. 'wanting to not die' isn't a moral position #everyone wants to live. no one wants to die. it doesnt make you a bad person to be scared of dying #esp (going back to blorbo's) in a situation like pharma's where every option he had ended in death #the death of his patients or the death of everyone at delphi or his death personally #on top of the fact he's a noncombatant who hasn't been desensitized to violence/risking his own life #and is dealing with a trained group of killers that he can't possibly match on physical terms #so yeah actually i don't blame pharma for what he did #he made shitty decisions in a shitty situation but was ultimately a victim #also if you want to view the blackmail deal from a framework of abuse #it is also fucked up to basically tell someone they werent brave enough to just kill their accuser or ask for help #isnt the entire point of such situations that the victim is both powerless to stop the abuse #and too afraid of asking for help/thinks they cant ask for help. and thats why they dont just get out #idk sometimes the best moral judgement is to forgive someone or view it as 'complicated' #sometimes regardless of the good or evilness of their actions the best choice is to not make a judgement #or to err in favor of a forgiving/'i cant speak for your experience' judgement #anyways the fact is that the rosy fantasy of being a brave noble soldier who sacrifices for the cause #rarely stands up to reality where youre just terrified and powerless and dont know what to do #and suddenly the rosy glow of The Noble Cause isnt comforting in the prospect of horrible torturous death

[unparalleledtrash]

GIVE JIWOO A DAMN BREAK!!

#istg he keeps getting almost killed by these old-ass awakeners #sometimes i think the reason jiwoo is stronger among his peers is because he has dealt with worse and stronger awakeners #like literally life and death situations #also i admit that this plot is quite repetitive #although a part of me wants jiwoo to atleast hold out against sir andrei before kayden arrives #but then again that wouldn't make sense since sir andrei is a world awakener #and jiwoo is probably restricted cuz he's in enemy territory and doesn't want to give them any more reason to hate on him and kayden #eleceed #seo jiwoo #kayden #jiwoo #kayden break #cartein #chapter 257 #fuck u duke

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

mikami!! again!

#death note #death note fanart #mikami teru #my art #this one took me roughly two to two and a half hours #mostly because lines for this style need to be clean or i will cry #and i drew it first so this was the one where i decided my color scheme #so honestly i might be just as fast in both styles if i count out my wishi-washi color picking #i’m not sure which style i like more though #this one feels the most me. i’ve always been a cartoonist at heart #but then sometimes i will get so fed up with not drawing in other styles that i just go wild and draw in whatever style i want #and i’ve been drawing for a loooing time. like. for as long as i could hold a pencil long #and i did have an ironed out style for years until BAM now i feel like i’m being torn into pieces not just by artstyles #but also by a lot of things in life #if anyone knows how to separate oneself into multiples that each take a different aspect of yourself hmu #i think i’d be a lot more productive if i didn’t feel like i’m fighting with myself over everything all the time #i’m getting off-track again #but anyways i love this little dude #mikami’s great!! #these were actually just practice so i can get a feel for him before i draw him in situations #and probably some mikalight

[lifesver]

i'm once again learning about wrestling moves and i have to laugh. y'all? fellas? why are you as a man trying to get behind another man and push him to the ground-

#no but also i'm lookin through self defense vids in general like escaping chokeholds and things #which i think leland knows a bit of. and again... teaches his smaller friends that are not Tanks (: #wrestling is funny it's very like down to the ground. vs jiu jitsu thats more like movements and disengages #sometimes i'm like well i should think more about this when i write a fight scene but also im like. #well there are people with knives and chainsaws and guns so the rules are a little different huh #this dude describing how to defend against someone w a knife is like #'ur cognitive ability to access ur intelligence is almost 0 in a life or death situation'. no thoughts vs no thoughts

[irulanpaul]

one thing that must be said about coriolanus and katniss is that they both share such a snarky inner voice that despite the seriousness of thg saga (especially mockingjay - the last chapters almost reduced me to tears, it was that heavy) it made me chuckle more than a few times

#coryo is such a petty bitch tho sjehdhdh #there are interesting similarities but also very stark differences! #1. they both have an obvious fixation on food and their growth was somewhat stunted by malnutrition #2. they both have a special memory token from one of their (dead) parents and are emotionally distant from the other #3. they're both survivors (katniss even describes snow in mockingjay as 'the consummate survivor') but coryo relies on his charm and cunning #(a lot of what he shows outwardly is a carefully trimmed performance) #while she's a born hunter and also quite smart but not a planner (actually i'd say katniss can be quite impulsive sometimes) #but she's also forced to perform (in completely different circumstances and a life or death situation) #and i think that's one of the reasons snow thinks everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie. he's projecting #the major difference so far is obviously that coryo is such a snob asshole lmao #but... unpopular opinion: he doesn't start as evil incarnate and i don't understand how people could come out of tboas with this take #that's the point! he gets corrupted by his own choice #but the boy he used to be (as much as he was a capitol born and bred elitist not exactly endorsed #with a huge capability for emotional depth and human warmth) would be horrified by a lot of the crimes he committed later in his life #so far he's just an annoying teenager. emotionally stunted and not very sincere but not an evil guy by any means #anyway both his and katniss' sarcasm are a++ #val rereads thg #val speaks #val rambles in the tags #txt

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Spoke to someone I don’t know over the phone, 11 dead, 32 injured

#I’m all flowery on here but in real life conversation I am the driest most uncomfortably pragmatic person alive #I’ve been scolded for being so task-focused that I forgot to say hello to the secretaries in high school when I went to do a task #or for having an “attitude” with my parents (often when I was purposefully trying to appear humble with an “idk” voice) #so I’ve amended that by fake laughing at everything and keeping my customer service voice on All The Time #0/10 it works flawlessly but I’ve also made myself into a socially anxious doormat #I’ve been the one to break it to people that their friend died on more than one occasion and I always feel bad about how I do it #I usually just blurt it out because I don’t know how to lead up to it other than saying “maybe you should sit down for this” #it would be wrong if I knew and didn’t tell them #so it has to be me… you know? #I’m so disconnected from any feelings of grief (I’ve never felt bereavement in my life) that it feels wrong for it to be me #because I’m physically incapable of sharing in their pain and emotions; I literally don’t understand it #but sometimes I’ll cry reflexively if I see someone else crying even if I don’t have any actual feelings for them or their situation #I’m more disturbed by knowing of people who are alive going through pain than I am by knowing someone died #because death is natural; suffering isn’t #unless the person is a child or otherwise very young #but if they’re old and lived a fulfilling life I recognize they’ve had a fulfilling life and hope that my life #is as fulfilling as theirs was when I go #I’m not afraid of death; I’d just like to not go before I’m good and ready #When I go away I hope that I WANT to go away; you know?

[orcelito]

Having lost my cat, my uncle, my great grandmother, my grandma's best friend (& one of the people who helped raise me), AND my dad all within the span of 9 months,

I have little sympathy for people who use deaths as an excuse to be an asshole. I get it, it sucks. Get the fuck over it. Your grief is not an excuse to treat others like shit. What the fuck.

#speculation nation #this isnt anything personal. im just reacting to a post that kind of pissed me off. #to be fair i was never close with my great grandmother so im not particularly broken up about that one #but it's still yet another death in the family within such a short period of time. #my cat is on this list bc he was the first one and it majorly fucked me up. so yeah it deserves to be here. #the others. well. my grandma's best friend makes me sad but at least she was getting up in years #my uncle and dad though. especially my dad. yea those have fucked me up the most. #im never gonna be the same after experiencing all of this in such short succession. #it sucks in a major way. and things are still continuously tumultuous. #but you dont see me lording it over people and using it as an excuse to be an asshole. #maybe i make people uncomfortable with how casually i mention it. but like whatever. it's simply my truth. #that's still just like. me just talking about what ive been up to. that kind of thing. #idk acting like someone needs to be treated with the most tender of touches after experiencing a major death #to the point where you cant even tell them when theyre being a manipulative little asshole? #i dont fucking think so! #yeah okay all grief hits different but ive pulled myself up by the bootstraps and kept my head on straight #even after i experienced death after death after death after death after Fucking Death #whats your excuse? youre Sad? we all fucking are. thats just life. #it's horrible and awful and it sucks that we have to live with this but you CANT let that affect how you treat other people!!!!! #and here i am making my own post venting about it instead of replying to the aita post that sparked this #bc the person the post was about just made me so angry to hear about. #but i am... a reasonable adult who separates themselves from situations before reacting in anger... #and so im making a tumblr post to get the emotions out instead of getting emotional at random strangers lol #anyways i actually had a pretty good day today. but in the way of grief. the smallest things can trigger moods sometimes. #but i am letting the emotions flow... here they are... i have expressed them... and i shall now release them... amen... #negative/ #i guess lol. i sure did rant enough for it.