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#these scenes were by far the best part of the ep
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THE EXPERIENCE PROJECT | EP. 5 TWO AND TWO MAKES FIVE
— contains adult content, minors do not interact 🔞 —
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“That’s so not true. I can be the dominant one too.”
Minho snickers, “I’d love to see you try.”
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[ abstract ]: Hyunjin—your long time crush—finally wants to ask you out. One small issue: you’re absolutely inexperienced regarding that matter. Going on dates and, yes, also everything physical. Gladly, Minho—your long time enemy who is part of your friend group—is there to help, teaching you all you need to know. Going on dates and, yes, also everything physical. All while he dearly hopes you won’t find out about the crush he has had on you for years.
[ general ]: minho + fem reader, [ hyunjin + fem reader ], enemies → lovers, college au, smut + angst + fluff, experienced minho, virgin reader, sunshine x grumpy, he falls first but she falls harder, please refer to series m.list for more info
[ warning ]: explicit sexual scenes [ softdom minho, corruption kink, oral m receiving, semi public encounters ?? they are in a tent but alone ], very short mention of weed [ jisung ], mention of cheating
[ words ]: 6.3K
[ note ]: I sound like a broken record but thank you again for all the support. you guys are seriously the best. i haven’t been on here for that long but you are really the kindest and it means the world to me how much you enjoy this little story and how you come up with theories and all 🌸 I’m always grateful about every sweet comment, reblog, ask or DM!
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Minho wakes up with a weird feeling inside his chest. Perhaps his heart is telling him that he’s playing dangerous games by what’s going on between you and him. He told you to keep your eyes on him when you come, despite the fact that he fully knows you’re in love with Hyunjin. You are, right? That’s why you have that odd agreement in the first place. There have been some moments that have made him a bit more delusional, that made him believe for a second there could be more between the two of you but he dropped those ideas rather quickly.
He should understand that you and him are never gonna be a couple.
But what if you aren’t into Hyunjin anymore? What if something about your feelings has shifted?
You definitely were only excited about his visit last night because you want to learn more. Minho is sure that has nothing to do with his presence. You probably still can’t stand him. Although he notices how comfortable, safe and calm you’ve been feeling around him these past days. He’s never had an effect on someone like this before. And he’s never seen you act like that. Not that he knows much about you but at least while being with your friend group, you’ve never behaved like this around Hyunjin.
Fuck. He should calm down. Or else he’s gonna break his heart into a million tiny pieces if that hasn’t happened so far.
Minho sinks down on his couch, pulling out his phone when he notices you texted him.
[ You ]: hey, is your sister still at your place? can i come over tonight? i have food hehe
Shit, he really wants to see you tonight. But Thursdays are rather inconvenient for that, unfortunately. And maybe his heart also needs a day off from all this drama. At least that’s how he tries to hype himself up about the fact that he won’t be seeing you today.
[ Minho ]: Hey, Y/N. Sorry, everything is okay with my sister’s apartment again but we have dance practice tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow for the camping trip, right?
He excitedly stares at his phone screen like a teenage boy, his eyes getting filled with sparkles when you reply.
[ You ]: yeah sure but we won’t be able to be together there. hyunjin is with us too. have fun at practice tho 😊
Fuck. Yeah. He’s totally forgot about that part. Hyunjin. God, why does he have to destroy this?
[ Minho ]: We will figure it out. Thank you. Have a nice Thursday too.
[ Minho ]: 🍇🖤
He’s sure, there’s gonna be some solution to this. Minho seeks to be close to you and he’ll do anything to make that happen. He does feel disgusted sometimes about himself. The fact that he’s secretly hoping for you to fall in love with him during this whole agreement but love turns us selfish.
He gets dragged out of his spiral of guilty conscience when you message him again.
[ Y/N 🍇  ]: 😆🍋🤍
You are assigning him this emoji now?
[ Minho ]: I’m a lemon??
[ Y/N 🍇 ]: yeah, kinda fits you best
[ Minho ]: In what world am I similar to a lemon??
He rolls his eyes when he reads your reply. Then a smile makes it up to his face. You’re so adorable, his heart is gonna melt and turn into a puddle with him.
[ Y/N 🍇  ]: you get sour quickly 🤭
Still, he plays cool.
[ Minho ]: 🙄🙄🙄
[ Minho ]: Whatever you believe in. See you tomorrow and remember to pack warm clothes. It’s gonna be cold at night. 
He’d lend you all the sweaters and jackets he owns but then again Hyunjin will be there. And Minho would rather see you in your clothes than in the ones from his friend. God. The fact that Hyunjin is his friend makes this whole situation just worse.
[ Y/N 🍇 ]: yes sir 🫡
His cock twitches inside his pants. God. It’s eleven in the morning and you’re flirting with him.
[ Minho ]: You’re playing with fire, princess.
He’s sure this warning will bring him nowhere, knowing you’ll just hop on it and provoke him more. When his phone receives another reply he knows his assumptions are right.
[ Y/N 🍇  ]: whoopsiiiee sorrryy, just trying to keep us warm in the cold 🤭 see you tomorrow min 🥰
Minho puts his phone away, still smiling brightly, before he feels someone plop down on the sofa right next to him. His sister is staring at her phone too, her eyes shining brighter than shooting stars, making him want to annoy her.
“Why are you giggling at your phone like this whenever you receive a message? You’ve got a boyfriend?” Minho asks.
She instantly rolls her eyes and puts the device away, “No, I don’t. It’s none of your business anyway.” His sibling turns around and looks at him. “Despite that, I saw you smiling earlier too when you looked at your screen.”
Minhos jaw clenches but he plays it cool. “What’s his name?”
“Tell me hers first unless it’s Areum then… Please keep that secret to yourself. You didn’t match at all,” his sister lets out with a sigh.
Minho is confused. He knows his family has never been Areum’s biggest fan but hearing it like this makes him wonder why exactly they’ve never quite liked her. “Why do you think so?”
She shrugs her shoulders, “I don’t know. She’s boring as fuck. I’ve always liked that other girl from your friend group more… What's her name again? Y/N?”
His heart stops. Why does she need to bring you into this?
“Yeah… Y/N. But that’s not gonna happen,” he quickly replies.
His sister tilts her head, “Why not? She’s funny, authentic and has a super pretty style.”
“You only wear black, you emo girl,” he teases her.
“And? I can appreciate when another woman obviously has good taste,” she explains.
“I don’t have a chance with her anyway. She’s dating Hyunjin,” he says, sounding a bit too hopeless.
His sister blinks twice. “Ugh. Why would she do that to herself?”
Minho has to hold back a laugh.
“What do you mean? He’s tall, handsome, creative. Spent last semester in Paris. He’s like a Disney prince,” he adds, knowing damn well he’s always comparing himself to these standards, knowing he’s never had a chance to begin with. Everyone seems to be in love with Hyunjin. Including you. The only woman he’s ever truly liked.
“A Disney prince that has dated the whole campus so far. Basically the reality TV version of a prince. Maybe he’s practising to apply for the next season of The Bachelor,” his sister reminds him.
“How do you know?”
“I went to the art exhibition with him yesterday—before you say anything, as friends, we have a bunch of classes together—and he was constantly on his phone texting different people.” She shakes her head, seeming quite annoyed. Until she notices that her brother’s mood has shifted. “Min? You okay?”
Minho knows that they’ve been friends for some time. After all, they’re majoring in the same field but his heart stings for different reasons. Hyunjin might just be playing with you, that son of a bitch. And he can’t allow that to happen, knowing you’re way to precious to get your heart broken by an asshole like this.
Okay, Lee Minho, calm down. This is still about your good friend. Hyunjin is your friend.
Yes, and? Isn’t he allowed to call his friends out if their behaviour isn’t acceptable?
He shakes his head, bringing his focus back to the conversation and switching topics a little, “Thanks for telling me. So… Who’s your crush?”
His sister smirks, one of her eyebrows rising up. “You’d love to know, don’t you?”
“I’ve told you mine too,” he emphasises.
“It was an easy guess, bro.”
“Come on, just a hint,” he says, nudging her shoulder.
“I’d love to tell you but it’s embarrassing…”
“Why? Is it Jisung?”
She nudges his shoulder. “Of course not. But the things is…I… I don’t know who he is,” she admits. “We’ve only been chatting online. I know, gamer girl cliché, and no, he isn’t paying for my Discord Nitro subscription.”
“You’re such a loser,” Minho teases his younger sibling.
“You too, you idiot,” she fights back, grabbing the nearest pillow that’s placed on the sofa and shoving it into her brother’s face but he doesn’t react anymore. He knows all her tricks.
“Anyway,” Minho says instead, getting up from the couch, “I’ve got a lot of classes today. Make sure to lock the apartment properly and if there’s still some issue at your place, call me, yeah?”
“I will. Thanks, Min,” she answers.
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Friday comes quicker than you would have expected and once the sun is shining brightly—as if you’ve ordered great weather—you find yourself at the campus’ flea market of your university. Together with Hyunjin. On your second date. He hasn’t left your side for an hour now, telling you about all the things he’s seen and experienced during his stay in Paris while his hand desperately searches for yours. You let him, your fingers intertwined with his own a bit later and it makes you wonder if this could turn into something serious pretty soon.
Because—look at you—holding hands with none other than the one and only Hwang Hyunjin in public on campus isn’t something that’s seen quite often. He must be very excited and truly mean it. Hyunjin reciprocates your silly little feelings and you’re gonna be a couple in the future. Your long awaited dream is finally here. 
Your crush drags you around the corner, before you approach a little booth with shimmering and glittering items, the most beautiful necklaces, gemstones and rings blinding your vision. You take a closer look, instantly falling in love with the odd looking ones—the ones that you also find when diving too deep into stuff suggested to you on Etsy—giggling about earrings in the shape of fried eggs on toast or the ones that look like rubber ducks.
Then you find a necklace that perfectly matches the grape shaped earrings you wore the other day. Your eyes hover over the material but you’re unsure if you’re allowed to touch the item so you don’t. Hyunjin is standing next to you, observing your motions and chuckling a little when he notices how adorable you look. He’s always liked this about you—how your eyes turn into stars when you see something that amazes you.
“You’ve always liked these fruit inspired accessories and clothings, right?” he asks, giving you a soft smile. Hyunjin has one of his hands inside his jeans’ pocket, the other one is still entangled with your own. He leans over to you, catching a glimpse of your beauty. He can’t believe it took him so long to confess to you. Hyunjin knows it wasn’t the best timing back then and it haunts him up until this day that he basically broke your heart—and his own—the day before he left for Paris when he admitted to you that he’s falling in love with you.
But he also knows that this was his only chance. After all, Jisung accidentally spilled that Minho might have a crush on you too. And Hyunjin couldn’t travel to France for half a year, wondering if his friend would make a move on you instead. Which is ridiculous and toxic, absolutely toxic, he knows that. But love makes him selfish. Although there’s nothing to worry about. You don’t even like Minho, let alone love him. The idea of his friend and you together in a romantic light is the funniest joke of the century.
“Yeah, I guess one could say it’s kinda my thing,” you say with a small giggle, which brings Hyunjin’s thoughts back to where they should be right now. It was a shame that he couldn’t go to the art exhibition with you two days ago, but then again another friend—Minho’s sister—went there with him and he was actually hoping to get some more details from her about her brother’s possible crush on you. Which didn’t work because that woman is the carbon copy of Minho, avoiding emotions at any cost except for when they include sarcasm.
“It’s cute, it suits you, Y/N,” Hyunjin says, still watching you look at the necklace with the grape shaped pendant. He’s seen stuff like this back in Europe too. Yes, he’s also thought about buying something for you but if he’s honest—sure, those fruit inspired accessories are funny and cute but he’d love to see you in something more… mature, too. Hyunjin knows a lot about art and fashion after all. And just imagining you wearing a pretty diamond necklace, while lingerie in the same shade is hugging your curves makes ideas shoot up to his head—and blood rush down to his cock—during a very inappropriate situation. Get it together, Hyune.
He reaches for a necklace with a violet jewel attached to it, making quick eye contact with the salesperson, before he shows the accessory to you. You catch a glimpse of it, adoring its glittering features but something feels… boring about it. You can appreciate the simplicity and beauty of the object but it doesn’t catch you, if that makes sense.
“But how about this? I’ve seen this in Paris everywhere. They made me think that they’d look astonishing on you. Purple is truly your color,” Hyunjin says.
He’s right about that part though. You love all the colors of the rainbow but purple is one of your favorites. Just like the grape necklace.
“What is this?”
“An amethyst. A symbol of peace and pure love,” he explains, picking the item up again and holding it in an angle so that the sun shines right through it.
“It’s pretty,” you admit. Because it is. It really is. But some weird—yes, this sounds so exaggerated—type of feeling spreads through your stomach. Hyunjin clearly saw that you looked at the other necklace, why is he trying to show you this one now?
“It really is. You wanna try it on?” he asks.
It’s alright, Y/N. He knows more about this stuff like you. And if there’s some spiritual meaning behind it, this makes it quite romantic, right?
You smile, “Sure. Why not?”
Hyunjin gestures to you to turn around and you follow suit. You do a little spin, until he’s standing behind you and you get reminded of how tall he is. His big hands reach over your head, until he puts the accessory around your neck and closes it. Gently, he lets it fall down until it lands right between your collar bones and your thumb and index finger instantly reach for it. It feels so special, so pretty and you’re sure it look just as beautiful on you.
“Woah, it’s amazing, it’s like it was made for you, angel,” you hear Hyunjin from behind you. Suddenly, his hands are attached to your waist and he turns you around again. One of his hands finds your face, before it wanders further and tucks a strand of your hair behind your ear. “I’d love to buy this one for you.”
Your mouth falls agape, “Oh, Hyunjin, you seriously don’t have to. It’s fine.”
You don’t want him to spend money on you out of the blue. Although your subconsciousness knows that there’s another reason lying deep inside your heart. But you don’t let it free.
“I’d love to,” he reassures you. “Wait a second, yeah?” You watch him walk to the salesperson before he pays for the necklace and gets back to you.
His fingers reach for your own again. Hyunjin and you walk a little further, until you get around a corner and behind another booth, where it’s less crowded. You feel his hands glued to your sides once more, as he pulls you towards him. His fingertips graze over the gemstone for a second and you dearly pray that he won’t notice how loud and fast your heart is beating, basically threatening to burst out of your chest.
He tilts his head, as you watch his tongue brush his upper teeth, before he speaks, “Now everyone will know who you belong to, hm?”
You’re desperately trying to not lose your mind.
Who you belong to.
Hwang Hyunjin told you that. Your longtime crush. This is insane.
“Thank you, Jinnie,” you say, barely audible but he still catches it.
“Y/N?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m glad I’m back. I’ve missed you so much,” he confesses.
Your eyes are still fixated on his own, “I’ve missed you too.”
Hyunjin scoots a bit closer, his mouth wandering right beside your ear, so he’s able to softly whisper, “I’ve also missed kissing you.”
You shyly giggle, impulsiveness taking over you, “What are you waiting for, then?”
All he does is chuckle before he seals his lips with your own. God, those plump and oh so soft lips. How you’ve missed having them against your own. They feel so incredibly good moving with your own. The other two kisses that Hyunjin and you shared were rather innocent ones, more of a peck if you will, but thanks to you making out constantly these past days, you’re quite experienced when it comes to kissing.
Hyunjin also realises how much more confident you are compared to half a year ago and he loves it. You can tell when you feel him smile between kisses. He takes the invitation and slips his tongue into your mouth, fighting for dominance with your own.
Kissing Hyunjin is on a whole new level.
Magical is the best word to describe it.
However, the sparkle vanishes just as fast as it appears, leaving you… unsatisfied. You’ve kissed Hyunjin before. Twice. But something is different now, perhaps something inside your head, you’re not quite sure. It’s not just the fact that you are making out this time because you do feel comfortable with him, absolutely. He’s one of the people you trust most in this world and entering a heated kissing session with him feels nice.
But that’s it. It’s nothing more than that. You don’t want your brain or heart to go that way but there’s something missing. Something that you experience whenever Minho solely looks at you. But you scrunch your eyes, push the thoughts away and a few seconds later, Hyunjin is letting go of you again.
He gives you the sweetest smile, not at all realising that he isn’t the only man on your mind. Fuck. You’ve catapulted yourself right into the middle of the worst drama of this century. Great work, Y/N.
“This was great,” he says, biting his lips.
“Yeah,” is all you manage to let out. Do something about the awkwardness inside your own head. Now. Change topics. Although this will make it perhaps even more suspicious but you can’t function right now. “Do you have everything for the camping trip later?”
Hyunjin’s eyes widen, “Oh, I’m not coming, I’m sorry. Felix said he told you.”
No, he didn’t. For whatever reason. You don’t question it.
What you do question though is why Hyunjin can’t tell this yourself and what his reason is. You decide to ask about the latter.
“Why not?”
He scratches the back of his head, “Ah, you know, I’ve never been a fan of this whole camping and nature thing.”
But I love it. And I even wanted to go to that art exhibition with you although I don’t even know when Vincent Van Gogh was alive or what the difference between cyan and turquoise is. Because I like you.
You ignore the ongoing weird feeling inside your stomach. “I totally understand this, Hyune.”
He smiles, “Thank you. We meet on Saturday anyway, right? For my ‘welcome back’ party at my place?”
You nod, “Of course.”
The conversation shifts again to other topics after this. There are still so many thoughts in your mind. Why did Hyunjin buy you a different necklace from the one that you looked at? It’s not like the prices differed that much and despite that he doesn’t have to buy you anything at all. Why did he mention stuff about Paris but never bought a souvenir for you? With whom did he go to the art exhibition? Is he in fact dating other people at this time as well?
You decide to stop worrying before your head explodes and when you catch a glimpse at your phone half an hour later, the two of you realise that you should really get going if you still want to go on this camping trip tonight. Without Hyunjin though.
But with Minho.
Well, and Felix, Changbin—your roommate’s gym crush—Jisung and the mysterious girl he met online. Yes, she told him she would be there too.
Before you two part ways, Hyunjin takes off his leather jacket and puts it over your shoulders.
“Don’t get cold, yeah? You can take this one with you. It matches quite well with the necklace, angel,” he says with a wink.
Hyunjin gives you one last kiss on your cheek, before your bus arrives and you hop on it.
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“What do you mean she called off at the last minute?”
You come back to a very confused Felix and a pretty sad looking Jisung sitting in the living room.
“What happened?” you ask, taking off your shoes and the jacket Hyunjin gave you. You take a few steps towards where your friends are sitting and drop down on the couch next to them
“The girl from the Discord server… she’s not coming with us,” Jisung explains, his head hanging low, shoulders too, while he is staring into the distance.
“Maybe she doesn’t actually exist,” you tease him.
He looks at you like a baby that got his plushie stolen, “Stop it, virgin.”
You give him a strict glare but Jisung knows you can’t be mad at him for long. Instantly, your annoyed face turns into a laugh.
“So, what now?” Felix asks.
“I’m not coming. I’ll stay here,” Jisung says, shaking his head, while his arms are crossed in front of his chest. He looks like a whiny toddler sitting there that got rejected choosing something from the candy aisle of the grocery store.
“You’re such a loser,” your best friend tells him.
Jisung sighs but tries to drown out a laughter. He gets up from the couch and takes the fluffy blanket with him. “A broken hearted loser. And if you excuse me, I need to play video games now, smoke some weed and cry like a real man like God intended.”
Right before he disappears inside Felix’s bedroom, you yell, “If you need anything you call us, yeah?”
“Yes, babes. I love you. Take care,” you hear him, knowing everything will be fine. He just needs to be alone for a bit and you respect that.
When you turn around, you notice your best friend looking at you. There’s a huge grin on his face. “Isn’t this great for you?”
You stare at him confused, “Seeing Jisung sad? What kind of a psychopath do you think I am?”
“Perhaps a pathological liar but not a psychopath, no,” Felix corrects his sentence. “But this isn’t what I meant. This makes the tent arrangement a little different. A win-win for the both of us, Y/N.”
“What do you mean?”
“I can share a tent with Changbin, and you with Minho,” he suggests.
Your mouth falls agape, “What?”
“Well, the other options are you and me in one but Changbin and Minho don’t know each other at all. Or you with Changbin which I bet is even weirder,” he reminds you.
Okay, this actually means Minho and you can continue where you left off. Given the circumstances that Changbin’s and Felix’s tent is far away from you and they are already asleep if you decide to get closer.
“Fine,” you huff. “Your gym crush won’t question it?”
“I doubt it,” Felix reassures you, shaking his head.
“Good.”
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Camping has always been something you’ve enjoyed quite much. Luckily, your little group feels the same. You had some barbecue for dinner and talked a lot, finding out that Changbin is a really kind guy, making you cross your fingers that Felix and him will finally get together soon. In addition to that, you managed to place the tents a bit further away from one another. For privacy reasons and all.
Your best friend and his crush have gotten a little closer, being all cuddly and when Felix starts yawning with no end, they call it a night. Minho and you stay where you are, still sitting in the camping chairs next to one another, just enjoying the scenery above you. Stars over stars are filling your vision, giving you a way better view than you’d ever be able to experience in the busy city of Seoul although you didn’t even drive that far. It makes you want to stay here a little longer.
The night sky looks beautiful. It reminds you of the hoodie Minho gave you some days ago and the feeling of how soft the fabric felt against your skin. The silence spreads all over the fields, the only sounds are coming from cicadas echoing. But it’s nice. With Minho you don’t have to talk much. It’s nice to not speak at all too. In a good way.
“Uhm, Y/N,” he suddenly starts, instantly making you look at him. “I saw something the other day when my sister and I went to the flea market together.”
One of your eyebrows raises, “Yeah? What did you see? A squirrel?”
Minho rolls his eyes, you barely see it in the dim light of the night but still know for sure. “Jisung’s busy smoking and chatting with imaginary girls online, please. No. I meant something that reminded me of you.”
“Of me?”
Confusion is spread all over your face and Minho hopes you don’t notice how nervous he is.
“Yeah,” is all he says. He reaches for something inside his pocket, bringing out a small velvety bag in a pastel purple shade.
“I thought we were enemies and all,” you tease him, not even knowing anymore if this applies to you both. You could swear, one week ago you couldn’t be in a room with him alone for a minute because either one of you would start a fight and if the same situation occurred now, your first issue would be to withstand kissing him while your heart tries not to melt.
He scoffs. “I thought of you and bought it. Don’t put too much thought into it. It’s also okay if you don’t like it. It’s just… I think this one might still be missing in your collection. Of course—I don’t know. You have a shit ton of those funny accessories. But… you have earrings that are similar so I thought–“
You’re the one to roll their eyes now, “Spit it out, Min. What is it?”
“Here,” he gives you the small bag. “This. If you already have one like this or you don’t like it I can just–“
He gets interrupted when you open it and bring out a necklace.
Not just any necklace.
The one you looked at earlier. The one with the grape shaped pendant attached to it.
“You’re insane,” is all you let out, a bit too loud but you couldn’t care less. Your palm meets your mouth, covering it, while your eyes are widening and you let out a squeal.
“I don’t know what you mean by that,” Minho admits, unsure how to read your reaction.
You’re in shock. In a good type of shock. This is the best gift ever. “It means you’re amazing. I actually don’t have this one yet. Gosh. This is perfect. Thank you so much. I can’t believe this.”
Minho gets a little startled when he feels your arms getting thrown around his neck while you pull him into a tight hug. Tears are stinging in your eyes but he doesn’t notice because of the darkness that is surrounding you.
“Calm down, it’s just a necklace,” he says with an awkward chuckle.
You shake your head no, “A necklace with a grape shaped pendant. Fucking adorable. Seriously, thank you so much for thinking of me.”
Your eyes lock with his for another second, before you guide the accessory around your neck and secure it. What a shame you aren’t wearing the matching earrings today but this can wait for another time. You’re the happiest person on this planet right now.
“It’s nothing. I’m glad you like it,” Minho adds with a small voice but on the inside he thanks the universe for your reaction and the fact that he can spend time with you, just sitting here, listening to you talk about your interests and the world.
He’s always liked this about you—how your eyes turn into stars when you speak about a topic you like or do something that amazes you.
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“So, what’s on today's schedule?”
You’re back inside your shared tent, after checking that Felix and Changbin have already fallen asleep in their own.
Minho frowns, “Schedule. Yeah. Well, I think you were a little too bold last time, hm? Teasing me like that just to fall right into submission the moment I tease you back?”
He’s going all in from the start. You’re in for a night.
“That’s so not true. I can be the dominant one too.”
Minho snickers, “I’d love to see you try. Despite that, you can be the one doing all the work and still be the submissive part.”
“Really?”
You weren’t aware of that. Well, you’ve never quite thought about it but the fact that Minho talks so openly about it and creates a safe space once again, makes you feel so comfortable and, of course, makes him even more attractive than he already is.
“Yeah. Dominance is about a certain dynamic, a role, if you will. Not what you physically do in bed,” he explains.
“Ah, okay. Well, then I’d like to be the… physically active part,” you confess.
He smirks, “I won’t say no to that. What do you have in mind?”
Take a deep breath. It’s gonna be okay. He’s here to help you, right?
“I liked… jerking you off… but I wanna learn more,” you admit with a small voice.
“More, hm? Why don’t you use your words like a big girl, huh?”
You roll your eyes and throw your head back. “Min…”
“Nah, we agreed that communication is key.” At least in bed. “So, tell me what you wanna do, yeah? It’s just me, remember?”
You nod, “Fine. I’d… Uhm, I’d like to suck you off.”
“Sure, baby.”
That’s how you find yourself kneeling in front of Minho a minute later. The tent is quite cramped, you can’t deny that. But you couldn’t care less. Not when he stares down at you like this, his piercing gaze hypnotising you. Your hands wander up his muscular thighs—making you think back to how amazing it felt riding them—going farther upwards until one of your palms lands on his crotch.
He’s already hard. You haven’t even done anything and Minho is already hard as rock. Why do you have such an effect on him? It doesn’t make any sense. You’re not exactly good at what you’re doing or at least you lack experience to scientifically evaluate this, right? Why is his body reacting to you so quickly then?
Because he’s in love with you, the subconscious part of your brain screams at you but you don’t hear it. You’re way too focused on something else anyway. Minho’s hand lands on your head, guiding you closer to his bulge and he chuckles.
“Come on, princess. Be a good girl and show me what you’ve got, hm?”
“Just start like last time, yeah? I’m sure I’ll like anything you do.” Why’s he flirting with you?
You nod, seizing your hand around his length, before you start pumping him. Minho hisses, throwing his head back from the little amount of motions you do. His grip tightens, when he tilts your head upwards, his gaze fixated on your face. You stare up at him with the eyes of a doll, while he feels himself grow even harder. You look so fucking adorable and he’s dying to be the one to ruin you, shape you just for his pleasure although you’re doing this for another guy and in the back of his mind he knows that quite well but pretending feels nice for a moment.
“I like it when…” he suddenly gets nervous. Minho knows exactly what he likes in bed. Although he hasn’t been with that many women. There was Areum and one high school girlfriend before his ex—yes, you’re the third girl he’s ever been in love with, believe it or not, and the second person he’s ever slept with. Yet, he calls himself a tutor, huh?
“Tell me what you like, baby,” you encourage him, being quite surprised about your sudden confidence.
“Start slowly. Just with some licks. I’ll guide you through it when I’m ready, yeah?” Minho has been ready for the past five or ten minutes now. Hell, even before you began this. But he can’t risk to come within seconds when it’s the first time you’re doing this.
However, you follow his advice and soon kitten licks erupt on his length, before you add a longer stripe to his shaft, making sure to keep eye contact. You’re gonna be the death of him, that Minho is sure of. He enters a state of pure trance then, watching you do what you seem to be naturally good at. Or it’s just his stupid heart and his stiffening cock speaking. It’s embarrassing what an effect you have on him. No one has ever achieved this. A simple look from you is enough to make him question everything he’s ever believed in. If someone told him two and two makes five, he wouldn’t even question it anymore at this point.
Minho catches himself, before he guides your mouth towards his tip.
“Whenever you’re r-ready, princess.”
It’s adorable how he’s stuttering and it gives you even more confidence, so you take the first few centimetres in. His length passes your lips before they wrap around it, letting him slide in deeper. Minho helps you with his hand showing you how to move, when you take him in and out, your head bobbing up and down. And when he watches you drooling all over him, obviously relishing the feeling of his dick inside your warm and wet hole, he takes the upper hand in this again.
You look perfect like this. Saliva is dripping down to the tent’s floor but none of you cares about it. You’re rolling your eyes to the back of your head, letting the sensation of being so close to Minho take over you.
“I’ve never expected you to enjoy sucking cock that much, baby,” Minho says, knowing damn well he won’t be able to hold back for that much longer.
“Is it… is it okay if I come inside your mouth?” he asks, not expecting anything from it. At this point, he would even thank you if you decided to edge him and deny him any orgasm for the rest of the night.
You hastily nod, encouraging him, while you continue with your movements. A little later, Minho allows the feeling to fully take over him, when he reaches that sweet sensation of pure ecstasy. His warm liquids shoot into your mouth and you make sure to swallow every single drop. You’re in trance too, watching Minho become absolutely powerless for you and you’ve never seen a more beautiful scenery like this, despite the fact that the night sky is right outside.
He suddenly comes to a halt and carefully slips his softening cock out of you, before he pulls his pants back up. Minho falls down to his knees, swiping away a few droplets of his come, before he places the sweetest kiss on the top of your head that earth has ever witnessed. 
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It’s in the middle of the night when Minho suddenly wakes up, feeling you attached to his body.
You fell asleep together. Right. Just after your little encounter, he took care of you and tucked you into your sleeping bag. He must have dozed off right away too.
He checks his phone, watching the time read 01:43. Then, he sees a message from his sister from not that long ago. The protective older brother he is, he instantly panicks and opens the chat.
[ Sis 🙄 ]: I didn’t wanna tell you this Min but I unfortunately value you a bit too much although you’re the most annoying brother on this planet.
He immediately replies.
[ Minho ]: What is it? Are you alright?
And when he reads the message, he realises that his sister isn’t in trouble but someone else definitely is.
[ Sis 🙄 ]: Hyunjin asked me out on a date. Despite the fact that I am not interested in him AT ALL and have only ever seen him as a friend I think you should know. Or Y/N should know, to be precise. I’m sorry. 😕
His heart sinks and then crashes into a billion tiny pieces.
[ Minho ]: Thank you for telling me. 🫂 
He needs to talk to someone about it and find out how to tell you this nightmare of a story. Minho will protect you. Even if it means breaking the contract and telling Jisung about it tomorrow.
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confused-pyramid · 2 months
Text
One Step From Grace | s4
pairing: aaron hotchner x childhood bsf!reader
summary: Hotch and his childhood best friend working together at the BAU: a slow burn across the seasons.
word count: 19.2k
warnings: canon!typical violence, mentions of abuse, mentions of death, abortion mention, implied SA, gun violence, specific episodes mentioned in this part are 4x01, 4x02, 4x03, 4x09, 4x11, 4x16, 4x17, 4x18, 4x23, and 4x26
a/n: Some more tension in the slow burn! I included some more specific episode details in this one, because some of the eps and characters are important to future seasons :') P.S. I love hearing all of your thoughts and comments (it's honestly what makes all of this worth it) so lmk what you think:) Title is from Grace by Rag 'n Bone Man
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"Garcia, is everyone okay?"
You can hear the sound of sirens blazing down the street a few blocks away from you, but you're too far away to make it there in time.
"Oh, thank god, you're alright," she gasps over the phone, her voice thick with tears. "Rossi and Reid called me just now, and Derek's on the line."
He greets you with a frantic urgency. "Hey, Y/N, I'm heading to the explosion site to see what happened."
"Okay, sounds good, keep calling people," you instruct Garcia, before swerving across the lanes and turning at the next intersection.
She calls Emily, who tells you that she's also going to the NYPD's critical incident command posts. When she tries JJ, the call doesn't go through, and then suddenly the line goes quiet.
"Garcia?" you call into the void. "Penelope, are you there? Derek? Emily?" No one responds, and your heart rate spikes again as you pull over in front of the command center and rush inside.
Rossi and Reid envelope you in big hugs when you find them in the main bullpen, and soon after, Emily and JJ join you inside.
"Do we know what happened?" you ask them as you crowd around the city map where Reid pinpointed all the prior crime scenes. "What street was the explosion on?"
Reid opens his mouth to answer, when Emily's phone rings. "Yeah, Garcia, I'm back. JJ's here too."
She listens for a few seconds, before her eyes widen and she glances over at you. Lifting the phone from her ear, she puts it on speaker and says, "Can you repeat all of that?"
"Derek's chasing after the bomber," Penelope says, her breaths coming out in short spurts. "The bomb... it was in Kate's SUV, or under it. Hotch is out there with her."
Your heart stutters and you press your palms against the back of the chair in front of you, leaning over it to get closer to the phone. "Is he okay?" You squeeze your eyes shut for a moment. "Are they okay?"
"He seems okay, but she looks really hurt. He hasn't moved her."
You release the breath you didn't realize you were holding and stand up straight, turning around to catch your breath. If something had happened to him...something irreversible...you don't know what you would've done. Especially after the last thing you said to him.
It's not your place to have this discussion.
Screw you.
"Where was Kate's SUV parked?" Rossi asks from behind you as you rub your eyes and turn back to face Emily's phone.
"2 blocks East of Federal Plaza."
***
You keep picturing the security camera feed of his SUV blowing up as you rush into St. Barclay's hospital. The moment Morgan called with the update that Hotch was taking Kate there in an ambulance, you all piled into an SUV and drove straight over.
You know Garcia and Morgan said he was fine, but not all injuries are visible. You're the first person inside, and you rush down the hallways until you spot a nurse in the ER. After you flash your badge, she points you to the curtains behind her.
When you push past them, he's standing up, working on the last few buttons of his shirt. His face is covered with tiny abrasions, and there's a piece of gauze stuck to his right ear.
"Aaron," you whisper, not wanting to startle him. He looks up as he grabs his tie out of the bag they put his clothes in. "Let me do that."
You take the tie from him as he sighs and closes his eyes for a long moment. It's silky against your fingers as you loop it around his neck and slide it under his collar.
"How are you feeling?" you ask him, trying to keep your voice soft.
He dips his chin to meet your eye and he squints as he shakes his head. "I'm fine, but Kate's in surgery. It didn't look good."
"I'm sorry," you whisper, forgetting about any prior gripes you had with her. "I'm sure she'll pull through."
He purses his lips and nods, just as the rest of the team pushes past the curtain. You step back quickly without thinking, and you don't miss the flash of confusion in his eyes before he turns to Morgan for the latest update on the bomber.
You swallow thickly as you look at your feet, letting everyone else walk around you. You don't know why you stepped back. Maybe it's the freshness of his divorce. Maybe it's the way Agent Calvert from the Portland office looked over your shoulder after you told him you weren't ready for dating again.
Whatever it was, you know you hated how it felt.
***
"There's a bomb on the ambulance."
Fear spikes through him as he turns around. "The ambulance which I drove in here." This day has already been longer than any of them expected it to be, but each passing minute seems to bring another surprise.
Rossi shoots him a knowing look that he reflects. "The hospital is their target."
He glances at you and you look back at him, your eyes filled with what he can only guess is fear. His mind flashes back to your interaction earlier, but he pushes it out of his brain as he realizes that they are down a man. "Where did Morgan go?"
Emily turns back. "He went to find the ambulance."
"Alone?" you gape at her, reaching for the gun in your holster.
He figures they only have a few minutes before the cell signal returns, so he grabs his own gun and nods. "Let's head down."
The ambulance is gone when they find the bomber in the parking garage, holding a knife to his throat. Before any of you can approach him, he slits his own throat. He can't help the grimace of disgust that crosses his face as the terrorist falls to the ground.
Once the immediate danger to the hospital is alleviated, everyone starts to relax. The rest of the team stays behind to clear the scene as he sprints up to the seemingly empty surgical ward. He finds the operating room that Kate was supposed to be in, but when he pushes through the doors, all he sees is a few janitors mopping the blood off the floor.
"What happened?" he gasps out. "Where's the surgeon."
A man in a blue scrub cap comes forward and pats his shoulder, a resigned look on his face. "We did all that we could. I'm so sorry."
All of the momentum leaves his body as he releases his breath, his shoulders deflating along with it like a circus balloon. The surgeon leaves the room and he looks down at her blood seeping down the floor drain. He watches as it mixes in with the cleaning fluids, and he can't help but wish that her death could've been less painful.
***
You wait outside the hotel the next morning, your go-bag hanging heavily off your shoulder. When the doctors told Hotch he wasn't cleared to fly yet, you told the NY agent assigned to drive him that you could take over.
"What are you still doing here?"
You turn around to see Hotch walking out of the hotel, the bag in his left hand evening out his gait after the explosion gave him a temporary limp.
You smile, pushing your sunglasses down from your head. "I'm your ride."
His eyes twinkle in the bright sunlight. "You really didn't have to. The flight is much quicker."
"It's okay," you shrug, before grinning. "Besides, I would never pass up an opportunity to annoy you for three hours."
That makes him laugh, before he winces slightly. Got it. No jokes.
He doesn't complain as you take the driver's seat, and that's when it hits you how much pain he must be in. For as long as he's had his license, he has preferred to be the one driving, sometimes even when he's in your car.
The first few minutes of the drive are quiet, but eventually you need to fill the silence. "I'm really sorry about Kate."
"Thank you," he sighs, his eyes squinting at the sun as you pull onto the highway. "I've known her for a long time." He exhales sharply. "Knew her."
You remember him telling you about a case he worked, years ago, that took him to Scotland Yard. He had sounded almost excited as he recounted the differences in how the British government handled procedure, but he had kept one thing to himself.
"You never told me about her," you say gently, trying to keep the blame out of your voice. You're not angry, you just don't understand why it would have been a secret.
He turns his head to gaze out the window for a few moments, before he looks back at you. "I wasn't sure about how that case would go when I agreed to take a look, but we ended up working really well together. I had spoken to her a few times before, mostly over the phone, but it was our first time meeting in person. We caught the guy we were looking for in just a few days, so before I left, she invited me to join her team for dinner."
You can guess where this is going, but you let him finish, in case you're wrong.
"When she dropped me off at my hotel that night, she made a... suggestive remark that I would've ignored if the implication hadn't been so clear. I shut it down immediately, but I didn't tell Haley when I got back, and I guess I just felt so guilty about it that I couldn't bring myself to tell you either."
Hotch feeling guilty about something. There's a shocker.
You glance over at him with a small smile. "I get it."
The "Welcome to New Jersey" sign flies past as you cross the bridge, and you both sit in comfortable silence as the sun glints off the water and reflects onto the cars around you. You see him looking out the window, and you wonder if he's thinking about Haley again, but then he turns to you with a curious expression. "The unit chief job here is yours if you want it."
Do you want it? You know you like leadership, and you would be lying if you said you hadn't thought about the possibility of moving up the ladder at some point, but now that you're confronted with the opportunity, it doesn't feel how you thought it would.
The thought of leaving this team, when they've become your second family, tastes bitter on your tongue. You know you could assume that other teams are like this too, but when you actually try to picture it, it doesn't feel possible.
"You can think about it," he says after a minute, "but not for long. They need a replacement ASAP."
You glance over at him and a realization clicks in your brain. "Wait, they needed your recommendation before offering me the position, didn't they?" You crack a smile. "You tryna get rid of me, boss?"
He laughs, before it turns into a small grimace from the pain. "No, of course I don't want you to leave. I just know you're destined for more than this. You could be doing so much good work, leading your own team."
The sun peeks out from behind the buildings in front of you, and you reach up to pull down the sun visor. "Maybe one day. But not today."
His eyes flit over to meet yours and you share a smile before you turn back to the wide expanse of road ahead of you.
***
You've been watching him all day. He was cleared to fly again, but you saw how pained he looked when the jet took off, and again when they exhumed Cortland's grave. The way he's been flinching back at the slightest sound, and cowering in pain after the louder screeches.
You tighten the strap of your kevlar vest and glance over at him again as he whispers something to the local sheriff on the Angel Maker copycat case. You've cornered the unsub in the latest victim's house, and Morgan got her out before she could be killed, but Emily continues to speak to the unsub through her megaphone, coaxing her out and into custody.
"It's over, Chloe," she says calmly as Morgan deposits the woman into the awaiting ambulance. "We have Faye. You have nowhere to go."
After a few moments, the front door creaks open and everyone lifts their weapons. She looks surprised when she sees the dozens of guns pointing at her, but then she lifts her own and Hotch steps in.
"Chloe, drop the gun."
The sheriff, with much less composure, jabs his weapon forward. "Damn it, lady, drop it!"
She takes a step forward and the sheriff fires, taking her down in one shot. Hotch goes down at the same time, doubling over in pain, his hands going up to cover his ears as he lets out a low groan.
As everyone else goes to Chloe, you rush to him, lifting your hands to press them over his in an attempt to help him hide from the external chatter and noises. "Aaron, it's okay, you're gonna be okay."
His body folds into yours as you wrap your arms around his head, clutching him to you, unable to help. "It's okay, it's okay."
It takes a few seconds for him to relax in your arms, and then a few more for him to remove his hands from his ears and stand up straight again.
"I'm okay," he sighs, his brow still furrowed with tension. "Thank you."
"Of course," you whisper, your chest heaving as the stress slowly seeps from your body. "You're not flying home."
He takes a deep breath before slowly dipping his chin into a nod. "It's a much longer drive. You don't have to accompany me this time."
The corner of your lip quirks up. "What makes you think I was offering?"
"Okay," he chuffs, rolling his eyes. You can still see the image of him doubling over in pain splashed across your eyelids, but you manage to push it out of your mind long enough to return his smile.
***
"Stand!"
You look up from the young girl you were interviewing with Emily and Spencer as Cyrus storms into the room with a gun, his second in command hot on his heels.
"What's going on?" Emily asks as she and Nancy Lunde, the state officer you came onto the cult compound with, stand up and approach him.
He squints, scrutinizing each of you. "We just got A very strange phone call from a news reporter. Is there anything you want to tell me, about a raid, maybe?"
You frown, genuine confusion coloring your expression as you shake your head. "We told you, we're child victim interview experts."
He takes another moment to consider your answer before nodding and instructing the man with him to lead you to the tunnels for safety while the raid continues.
You let Spencer, Emily and Nancy go ahead of you as the sounds of gunfire from the back get louder. When you reach the tunnels, they head further in to help the children take cover as Nancy turns back and gives you an earnest look. "I can talk to him."
You're shaking your head before she's done speaking. "No, you can't. It's too dangerous."
You try to grab her arm, but she rushes forward and past the small crowd of children that safely made it out of the school. You run after her as she calls out, "Mr. Cyrus, let me talk to them."
She's too close to the window. You reach forward to grab her arm and pull her back but then another round of gunshots fires off and she drops to the ground in front of you. You start to crouch down, out of the line of sight of the window, when a searing pain shoots through your abdomen. You keel over, falling forward into the wall of the chapel as you gasp out in pain.
It doesn't hurt as bad as it probably should, but the adrenaline coursing through your veins won't last forever. You press your hands against the bullet wound that ripped through the side of your abdomen, and try to calm your breathing as fear washes over you. The team knows you three are in here, they'll figure out how to get you all out.
You know the minimal loss scenario by heart, and the BAU was the one who wrote the CIRG playbook, so it's a small comfort to know that you'll be able to predict their moves. You can only hope that they will be able to predict yours just as well.
Another wave of pain shoots through your side and you grit your teeth as the adrenaline starts to wear off. They better hurry.
***
He knows he's emotionally involved. They all are, but if his people aren't the ones leading this negotiation, he won't be able to forgive himself for any outcome that doesn't end with the three of you coming out in one piece.
He's listening in as Dave speaks with Cyrus, and he can't help but notice how cavalier his tone is after his followers were just shot at. He continues to rant about the final battle he has foreseen, until Dave manages to get him back on track.
"Now, the four child services workers..." he says slowly. Hotch can hear the concern coloring his tone even as he tries to act detached.
Cyrus's voice is crisp over the line. "One of them is dead."
His heart jumps to his throat. Your face flashes in his mind and he closes his eyes as he silently begs whoever is out there for it not to be you. Not you, not Prentiss, not Reid. Please.
"Her name was Nancy Lunde."
His breath comes out like a gasp, and Dave turns to him with an equally relieved expression. He's so thankful that the guilt for wishing harm on anyone takes an extra second to take over.
But Cyrus isn't finished talking. "One of the other child service workers was shot during the same raid. Once again, by your people."
He looks up at Dave, waiting for him to ask who it was, but he doesn't have to. The next word out of Cyrus's mouth is your name, and his stomach twists with nausea and anguish even as he assures Dave that your wound has been cleaned and properly dressed.
He turns to look at the compound, as though he could see you if he squinted hard enough. Hold on, he thinks, hoping you can hear him somehow. You've always had a way of reading his mind. Please hold on.
***
You wake up on a small cot, with a woman bent over you. You hiss as she presses down the edge of the bandage on your abdomen, and you bring your chin to your chest to see the current state of your gunshot wound.
You're surprised to see the blood washed off, a clean bandage and gauze left in its place.
"You got lucky," the woman says when she realizes you're awake. "The bullet went all the way through."
"Thank you," you whisper, before turning your head to look around the room. "Where are the people I came in with?"
"I'll take you to them," she nods, reaching her hand out. You take it and let out an involuntary groan as she helps you into a standing position. You try taking a step, but another spike of pain shoots through you, so the woman latches her arm under your shoulder to help you walk.
It takes a few minutes, but eventually you get back to the main chapel, where Emily and Spencer are sitting with the rest of the followers. They turn when the doors open in front of you, and they immediately jump out of their chairs to take over for the woman helping you.
"How are you feeling?" Spencer asks, his eyebrows pinching as he looks at you.
"I'm okay," you assure him, even as your vision blurs from the pain of having to walk so far. "Can we just sit down, though?"
"Of course," Emily nods, helping you sink into a chair. "I'll get you some water."
Spencer sits down next to you when she rushes off, and you don't miss how he keeps glancing down at your stomach.
"It'll be okay, Spence." He meets your eye and you nod again. "We know the playbook. We just have to follow it."
Emily returns with a water bottle that she opens and hands to you, and you chug half of it before setting it down. Hotch, please hurry, you think, wishing he could hear you.
***
The next morning, you wake up to a knock on the front door of the compound. You peel your eyes open and try to sit up, before remembering what happened the night before. Your skin feels wet as you run your fingers against the edge of the gauze, and you look down to see that you're bleeding through the dressings.
"Emily," you whisper, pushing her shoulder gently to shake her awake. "I need you to get the first aid kit again."
You feel more blood drip down your stomach, and your vision turns hazy for a moment, like a confirmation. She walks across the room to get the kit, and you almost forget about the knock on the door, until Cyrus opens it, revealing a stone-faced Rossi.
They shake hands as Emily removes your dressings before tearing open a new packet of gauze and pressing it into your wound.
"The children," Cyrus tells him, gesturing to the crowd. He then points at the three of you. "And our guests."
Rossi meets your eyes for a split second, and you make sure to keep your expression neutral as he nods and turns back to Cyrus. You're glad it's him who came inside, and not Hotch, because even though you want nothing more than to see him right now, you also don't want him to see you like this.
Rossi tries to get him to release the children, but he ends up leaving with nothing more than a promise to send food and supplies.
***
"Prentiss, Reid, and L/N are okay," Dave says as he jogs back to the tent outside. He turns to Hotch then. "She's been shot in the abdomen. They've tried to dress her wound, but she's losing blood."
Shit. He shuts his eyes as he tries to think about what he can do from out here to speed up the playbook.
"I have a signal!" Morgan beckons them over as he lifts a few sets of headphones for them to wear. With the bug Dave left on the compound, at least they have ears on the inside. It's not all he wants, but it's something, at least.
***
"Which one of you is it?"
Cyrus storms into the basement, where Spencer and Emily are sitting next to you as you lay down on the small cot from earlier. After Emily changed your bandages, Spencer managed to convince him to let you rest away from the followers.
"Which one of you is the FBI agent?"
Spencer jumps in before you can react. "Why do you think one of us is an FBI agent?"
You haven't had the time or capacity to properly profile this man yet, so you don't know if his evasive tactic will work, but you also know he's smart enough to have thought this through.
Cyrus sighs, almost like he's disappointed. "God will forgive me for what I must do." He steps forward and points his gun at Spencer's head. You gasp, trying to keep a look of confusion on your face as you fight the urge to step in.
"I-I don't know what you're talking about," Spencer says, stumbling over his words. His eyes are wide with fear, and you can't tell how much of it is real and how much is for show.
Cyrus tuts. "One of you does. Who is it?"
You open your mouth to say something, anything, to distract him, but then Emily stands up. "Me. It's me."
The moment of relief you feel when he lifts his gun from Spencer's head is gone as soon as he grabs Emily by the hair and drags her to the door. Your legs burn with the desire to leap off the cot and tackle him to the ground, but you can't move as the door shuts behind them.
***
It's almost night fall by the time Emily joins you again. You and Spencer were moved back up to the chapel after Cyrus took her away, and seeing her now, she looks awful.
Splotchy bruises of purple and blue paint her neck and chest, and there's dried blood on her temple and the corner of her mouth.
"Emily," you gasp, trying to control your expression so that Cyrus and his diehard followers don't think you know her as well as you do. You hate the feeling of letting her take the brunt of his punishment and blame, but it won't help to expose yourselves as agents too.
Spencer leans over you to get a better look at her. "Are you okay?"
She nods, flashing him a small smile. "Yeah, it looks worse than it feels." You can't imagine she's seen her reflection today, but you still appreciate her trying to relieve his stress.
Right then, the front door opens again and a shipment of food containers are carried inside. Men lift the boxes and bring them around the room to feed everyone inside, and when they set a box in front of you three, you notice a familiar scrawl of handwriting on top of the to-go container. 3AM. They're coming in at 3AM.
***
When the followers leave to go to bed, Cyrus takes Emily away again to separate her from you and the others. You fight the exhaustion pulling your eyes shut as you sit on the floor with your back against the wall. Spencer has been talking to Cyrus's second in command, trying to convince him that the Bible can be used to manipulate anything, but Cyrus catches on quickly.
You keep glancing at the door, hoping that Emily will find her way back up before 3AM hits, but as each minute ticks by, the idea becomes more futile.
You saw the diehard followers rigging the compound with explosives earlier in the night, and the detonator is clutched in Cyrus's hand like a lifeline. The irony doesn't escape you.
"Something's wrong," the follower reports, his eyes scanning the darkness outside through the window of the chapel.
Cyrus walks over to check, and you use the moment of distraction to lift the edge of your shirt and check your bandages. You're starting to bleed through the gauze again, but it's not bad enough that you need your dressings changed just yet.
When Cyrus realizes that he's been lied to, Spencer tries to distract him by spouting off verses at a rapid pace, but Cyrus just rams the butt of his rifle into his head, sending him to the ground.
"You cannot convert my brothers," Cyrus says before hitting him again. You crawl over to him, ignoring the screaming pain in your side, and clutch his arm for some semblance of comfort. Cyrus looks down at the both of you, his eyes squinting. "No one had to follow. God could have stopped me."
"He just did."
There's a gunshot, and you whip your head around to see Morgan and a young girl racing out of the tunnel before he crouches beside you. "You two alright?"
You nod, reaching your arm up to let him help you into a standing position. "Where's Emily?"
"We got her out of here," he explains, before turning to the girl. "Sweetheart, come with me."
She looks at each of you, her face twisted with panic, before bending down and picking up the detonator from where Cyrus dropped it. Your eyes widen and you yank Spencer in front of you before pushing him down the tunnel. "Run!"
Derek wraps an arm around your shoulder, holding half of your weight as you both sprint down the tunnel after Spencer. You're almost outside when the explosion goes off, pushing you to your knees with a strong gust of air and smoke.
***
He yells out your name as the blast engulfs the compound. His throat feels ragged as he yells out for Reid and Morgan too, but he can't see anything until three figures stand up from the plume of smoke and stumble down the steps.
He rushes up, meeting you halfway as you collapse from Morgan's arms into his. He grabs onto you as your knees buckle, and he manages to pull you towards him before you hit the ground.
He can't breathe as he clutches you to him, trying to be mindful of your wounds. Your breath comes out in gasps that mix in with his own as he sags with relief that you're here, back in his arms, where he can keep you safe.
He pulls back when he sees the paramedics approaching, and it's only then that he finally gets a good look at you. Your skin is gaunt, and his heart thuds loudly in his ears as he sees you wince in pain.
When they load you into an ambulance, his feet finally start working again and he races after you. "I'm coming with you."
You nod as he climbs through the doors and you reach your hand out over the side of the gurney. Your fingers feel cold when he clasps your hand in his, and he syncs his breaths with the sound of the sirens as your eyes fall closed.
***
The first thought that goes through your head when you wake up is that it's too bright. You squint as your eyes peel open, and in the few moments it takes for them to adjust to the light, a chorus of quiet 'she's awake's filter around the hospital room.
"How are you feeling?" JJ asks, stepping closer to stand at your bedside.
"You gave us a real scare, Mama," Penelope adds with a gentle smile.
You open your mouth to respond, but your throat is so dry, no sound comes out. Emily darts forward to grab the cup of water on the counter, and you glance over to see the yellowing bruises on her cheekbones.
After a few sips, you clear your throat and say, "I'm good. How long was I out?"
"Just a day," Derek responds from the foot of your bed, where he's standing with Spencer and Penelope.
Spencer chimes in. "You got out of surgery a few hours ago, and the doctors said you can go home tomorrow morning."
You nod slowly, stretching out your arms and legs to test the limits of your mobility. When you push yourself up into a sitting position, it doesn't hurt as much as it did on the compound.
"Ah, you're awake," Rossi smiles as he joins you all in the hospital room. It's not exactly huge, so everyone has to stand to make room, but it still doesn't escape your notice that someone is missing.
You return Rossi's smile before glancing over at the door, trying to see if he's just outside. Noticing your gaze, Spencer walks forward and takes your hand, giving it a small squeeze. "He's on the phone with your father. I think he got a flight for tomorrow morning."
You exhale slowly and take another sip of water. "Thank you." He nods and moves to release your hand, but you grip it tighter, holding him back. "Seriously, Spence, thank you." You turn to Emily, who is on the other side and her eyes shine, reflecting the tears in yours. "That whole operation sucked, but I'm really glad you two were in there with me."
She lets out a watery laugh and bends down to press an kiss to your temple. "I'm glad you're okay."
When you start fading again, the team leaves with promises to see you back at work in a month, and you close your eyes to get a break from the harsh fluorescent lighting.
***
"Alright," he says into his phone, nodding. "We'll see you in the morning, Mr. L/N. Yes, she's doing a lot better...okay, good, see you soon."
He ends the call and tucks his phone back into his pocket, before walking over to the vending machine at the end of the hall to grab a few of your favorite snacks. He loads up on chips and pop tarts before heading back up the hallway to your room. When he reaches the door, he realizes that the rest of the team has left, so he steps inside quietly and takes a seat in the small plastic chair next to your bed, before gently setting the snacks on your bedside table.
Your eyes are closed and he figures you must have just fallen asleep, so he crosses his arms over his chest and just sits there, watching you. Your face is covered in little scrapes from the explosion, and you still look a bit ashy, but you somehow still do look beautiful. This isn't the first time he has thought this - it was more of a recurrent notion when you were younger - but he can't deny that you're just objectively a beautiful person. But then again, he's not sure if beauty is ever really objective (eye of the beholder and all that), so he pushes the thought aside and turns back to you.
His thoughts are interrupted when his phone chirps with a text message. Pulling it out of his pocket, he checks the name and sees that Haley has arrived at the hospital. He had called her after you went into surgery, knowing that she would kill him if he didn't keep her constantly updated on your condition.
When he finds her at the end of the hall, she pulls him into a quick side hug that's slightly barred by Jack, who is clutching onto her tightly. He can imagine how scary the hospital looks to a three year old boy.
"Hi, bud," he smiles, pressing a kiss to the top of his head, before looking at Haley again. "She's sleeping, but I'll take you to her room."
"She's alright, Aaron." Haley is looking at him like she's worried he may break down, and it makes him wonder what his expression looks like right now. Ever since you got out of surgery, he has felt a weight lifted off his chest, but if he really thinks about it, he doesn't know if he feels all that much lighter at all.
But he doesn't want to say any of that out loud. Nodding, he cocks his head at the other end of the hall and leads her to your room, where you are blinking your eyes open again.
"Oh, sweetheart," Haley coos, adjusting Jack on her hip and walking over to your bedside. "I hope we didn't wake you up?"
You shake your head with a smile, but he can tell you're lying. You look exhausted, and he can see you periodically glancing at the light on the ceiling to keep your eyes alert.
"Well, hello," you grin at Jack as you carefully push yourself up into a sitting position. "How's my little Jack-o-lantern doing?"
His mouth twitches and he reaches his arms out as he lets out a loud, "Good!" You reach forward slowly, likely testing the limits of your mobility, and take him from Haley, who hands him off with a concerned look on her face.
"Be careful, baby," she tells Jack, before stepping back and crossing her arms. "Aunt Y/N is a little fragile today."
To his credit, Jack just slumps down into your arms, absentmindedly playing with the ends of your hair as you turn to Hotch. "Reid said you called my dad?"
He nods, taking a deep breath. "He'll be here in the morning. I assured him you were just fine, but he wants to stay here for a bit to keep an eye on you."
"That's okay," you shrug, much to his relief. After your last conversation about your father, he wasn't sure where you stood and how far he was allowed to push. "It'll be nice to have some company while I'm off for the next two weeks."
"Two months," he corrects with a stern look.
"One."
"Fine." The only reason he relents so quickly is because he knows how quickly he would be back at work if he was in your position. "But I'm limiting your field work until you're more healed."
You nod after a second. "I'll take it."
Haley huffs out a laugh and looks at him with an expression he remembers from their marriage. Affection with a hint of exasperation.
"Alright, you two," she smiles, reaching for Jack again. His entire fist is tangled in your hair at this point, but you don't seem to mind. "I should get him to bed. It's already past his bedtime."
You nod and hand him back, before letting her envelope you in a warm hug that you settle yourself into. "Love you, Hales. Thanks for coming by."
"Love you too, honey."
***
Haley leaves with Jack, and you slump down in the bed, feeling tired, but no longer sleepy.
"I can head out too," Hotch says quickly, reaching for his coat, "if you want to sleep."
You shake your head, and he drops his arm immediately, as though he was just looking for an excuse to stay. The thought makes you smile and his brow pinches in confusion. What's on your mind?
"I'm just glad I met you." You reach for his hand he takes it, giving it a soft squeeze, before taking a seat in the chair beside you.
"I brought you some snacks from the vending machine," he points out, glancing over at the pile he made on your table. "I got your favorites...at least out of what they had."
You grin, feeling your chest fill with warmth as you take in the assortment. "Sunchips and cinnamon pop tarts. You remembered."
"Of course," he shrugs. "You're the only person I know, other than my three year old son, who still eats pop tarts."
You make a face, swatting your hand at him, but he's just out of reach. "It's not my fault toddlers have great taste."
He chuckles as you tear open one of the packages and break off a piece. The buttery, sweet taste brings you back to your childhood when your mom was still alive. She would wake you up with two brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts before school, the sweet smell enough to drag you out of bed at eight in the morning.
"What are you thinking about?"
You look up with a smile, your gaze wistful as the memory slowly fades away. "My mom, actually. I don't have a ton of memories of her, but sometimes the most random thing will trigger an emotion or a memory that I forgot I had."
He nods, his eyes thoughtful. "Like the taste of pop tarts."
"Exactly." You break off another piece and toss it into your mouth, before setting the package back on the table. "Last week it was the smell of this perfume I found at the back of my dresser. It wasn't even the exact scent she would wear, it just had the same base notes."
Your voice trails off, and he looks at you, giving you a moment before speaking up. "What else do you remember?"
"I remember her funeral," you say without thinking, before realizing that it's not a lie. You know that grief is weird, that people usually remember everything or nothing, but for some reason, the funeral only comes back to you in pieces. Your dad crying silently, Hotch holding your hand, your dress being too small on you. You wore it anyway, because she had picked it out for you at the store a couple of years before. "I remember you holding me up."
His eyes flash with something that resembles amusement and he purses his lips. "I remember feeling the opposite. I knew I was supposed to be there for you, but somehow, it felt like you were the one holding both of us up that day."
You shrug, realizing the details don't mean anything. "All I really needed was for someone to hold onto."
He nods and that's when your mind flashes back to New York last month. "Did you go to Kate's funeral?"
"No," he sighs, raking a hand through his hair. "Her family flew her back to London to have it there, and I couldn't take any time off."
You want to apologize, but before you can open your mouth, he beats you to it. "I'm sorry for how I acted in New York."
You frown, but he just shakes his head. "I don't really know why I was trying so hard to protect her. I guess after the close call with Strauss last year, I was less sympathetic to bureau politics, but I still shouldn't have taken it out on you. I should've been protecting you too."
His words are tinged with self-contempt, and you find yourself wanting to take away his guilt even though you were hurt by how he treated you during that case. But that's how the two of you work. The protective instincts don't go away just because one of you is angry at the other.
You remember prom night all those years ago, when he was so peeved at you for convincing him to ask Haley to the dance, even though they had just started talking. She had freaked out and said no, so he was forced to take another girl who asked him after the fact (of which there were many), while you went with Kyle Martinez, who had been showing interest in you for a while. You knew your feelings for Hotch definitely weren't just platonic anymore, but he was into Haley, and he was also Hotch, so you had pushed it aside and gone to the prom with Kyle.
You had spotted Hotch the moment he walked into the ballroom that the school had turned into a Gatsby-themed prom venue. He commanded everyone's attention, and you certainly weren't immune, but you had your own date, so you ignored your best friend and danced with Kyle.
As the night wore on, he had grown bored and asked you if you wanted to get out of there and go somewhere quiet, but you weren't exactly experienced back then.
"I'm okay," you had whispered, trying to maintain your smile. "I'd rather just stay at the dance."
You can still remember the change in his expression when he saw you glance at Hotch, as though it was just yesterday. "What, are you into him or something? You seriously think he'd fuck you?"
You hadn't been able to help it as tears flooded your eyes, and before you knew it, Hotch was standing in front of you, glaring down your date as he asked if you were okay.
"Everything's fine," Kyle had sneered, trying to get around him. "Butt out of our business, Hotch."
He looked at you again. Do you want me to go?
You shook your head, a tear falling down your cheek, and before you had time to blink, his fist was swinging. There was a horrible thump as his fist collided with Kyle's cheekbone, sending him stumbling backwards from the force of the hit.
You couldn't move as Kyle swung back, trying to shove him down, but he didn't budge. He could take physical aggression better than most guys his age, but that didn't make this okay.
"Hotch, please," you had pleaded as he landed another punch. The sound of your voice must had cut through the fog, because he looked up then, unaware of the bruises on his knuckles. You helped him up, and the two of you watched as his date stormed out of the ballroom.
Presently, you look at him sitting in his chair and crack a small smile. "Do you remember prom night?"
He groans and you laugh lightly, being careful not to tear the stitches in your side.
"You never actually told me what that asshole did to you." His tone is light, but you can hear the genuine question underneath.
"It was so long ago," you shrug after a beat. "I don't even remember."
***
Your dad arrives at the hospital early the next morning right before you're discharged. The papers are quick, and by the time the sun has risen fully, you are being taken to his car in a wheelchair, despite your best efforts to refuse.
"I can walk!"
"I don't care."
"Dad, come on."
He frowns down at you. "I drove up here to be of use to you. Let me be of use."
You huff in frustration as he wheels you beside his car, and you try to get up on your own, but you twist the wrong way. You gasp out in pain as one of your stitches pulls and your dad immediately comes around to assist you.
"I hate your job," he grumbles, taking your arm to help you into the passenger seat. "If I had my way, you'd be working out of an office cubicle."
"I know, Dad," you soothe, turning your head back to smile at him. "I'm glad you're here."
"Me too, sweetie."
The drive to your house is quick, and he takes your arm again when you get out to help you inside. Once you're laying down on the couch, you insist that you don't need any more concessions, but he doesn't sit down in your armchair until after he has brought you a glass of water and a blanket.
"Dad, I'm fine, really." He doesn't look convinced, so you paste on your brightest smile, and he finally cracks, smiling back at you. "What do you want to do today?" you ask him.
"Wha- do today?" he sputters. "You need to rest, young lady. I'm not letting you leave this couch until you head up for bed tonight."
You can tell he's serious about this, so you sink back into your pillows with a sigh and grab the tv remote. "What do you want to watch then?"
He leans back in his armchair and brings his palm to his face: his thinking expression. "What's on?"
You click on the television, and the first channel it opens up to is playing a rerun of Breaking Bad. Neither of you seem interested in watching it, so you keep flipping through the channels, but after 20 minutes of mindless surfing, you eventually end up back on Breaking Bad.
"We could just play it in the background," you suggest with a shrug, "while we talk."
"Sure," he agrees, placing his hands on each armrest.
Two hours later, your eyes are glued to the television after having watched three episodes.
"We should probably do something else," Dad suggests at the next ad break. "All of this meth production is rotting my brain."
"Yeah," you agree, taking your time to reach for the remote before clicking the tv off and tossing the remote aside. "We can have lunch in the kitchen..."
"Nice try," he chuckles, before standing up. "Aaron is coming by with takeout soon, and you can eat that right from here."
He had been coming by a lot after your movie night a few months ago, and while hanging out with your best friend isn't an anomaly, it does reinforce the reminder that neither of you have anyone to go home to at the end of the night.
It's another half hour by the time he shows up, Thai takeout in hand, and by then you're starving.
"Thanks for bringing food," you say genuinely after your dad lets him inside the house. "I was worried I would have to live off Dad's cooking for a week."
"Very funny," he says with an eye roll. "But yes, thank you, Aaron."
"Of course," Hotch says simply, before handing your dad a fork and napkin. "I'm also hoping to convince Y/N to take more time off."
"Not fair!" you complain, feeling like you're reverting to your high school self with your dad and best friend sitting across from you. "I'm not starting field work for a couple of months. I just want to come in soon to meet the new press liaison."
"Is JJ leaving?" Dad asks as he takes a bite of green curry with rice.
"Just temporarily," Hotch says, reaching for the pad kee mao container. You nod, chiming in, "She's due in a couple of months, so she's gonna start training someone soon to take over while she's gone."
"Is she still with that cop from...where was it again?"
"New Orleans," you answer with a laugh. "Yeah, she and Will are still together."
You can feel the conversation getting dangerously close to (ex) spouses, so you steer your father away from the topic by having him try all of the food Hotch brought. He ends up staying for a couple of hours as he explains some of the more tame cases you've handled to your dad, who actually seems interested in the finer details of each profile.
Eventually, he heads home, with the explanation that he has Jack that night, and you say good night to your dad before heading up for bed. You cover the stitches with plastic the way the doctors instructed you to before taking a fast shower and getting into your bed.
You can hear the sound of your father's quiet snores from the guest room down the hall, and for a moment, you let yourself imagine that you're back in your childhood home, sleeping in your pink and purple bedroom after spending the day with your best friend.
***
It takes a lot of convincing, but at the end of the month, your dad drops you off at work before making his drive back home. Emily had called you before the team's plane took off, and you timed it right so that you'd get to the office just as they arrived.
The elevator doors open on your floor, and you hear a loud conversation happening between Morgan and Prentiss just before they spot you from the bullpen.
"Y/N!" Emily grins, rushing forward to give you a hug. "How's the healing process been?"
"I feel a lot better," you tell her with a smile as you pull back and drop your bag next to your desk.
"You look a lot better," she nods, before Derek grabs you and pulls you in for a surprisingly gentle bear hug.
"You look great," he says, grinning at you. "Are you cleared to come back to work?"
"Not field work," you sigh, pushing your hair back behind your ear. "I'm just here to turn in some paperwork and then I'm stuck to my desk for a few more weeks."
Derek takes the files from your hand and tosses them on your desk before throwing an arm around your shoulder. "You should come out and get burgers with Prentiss and me."
"Tempting," you say, "but I just came by to meet-"
"Hey guys," JJ calls out from the hallway. "I want to introduce you to someone."
She walks up to you all with another woman by her side. "This is Agent Jordan Todd. She'll be taking over for me while I'm on maternity leave."
You grin, clasping your hands together in front of you as she smiles sheepishly at all of you. "Agent Jareau's told me so much about you all."
She turns to Emily first. "You must be Agent Prentiss."
"Yes," she smiles, shaking her hand. "Nice to meet you."
Spencer walks up at that moment and Agent Todd nods at him. "Hello, Dr. Reid."
He waves back, and she then looks at you. You reach out first to shake her hand and she smiles. "Agent L/N, I presume?" When you nod, she takes your hand. "I heard about the cult incident."
"Yeah," you let out a laugh. "Incident is definitely a word for it."
Derek drops his arm from your shoulder and Jordan turns to him with a cheeky grin that piques your interest. "And Agent Morgan. Nice to see you again."
He nods, not giving anything away. "Nice to see you, too. So, this must be the good news."
"This would be my brownie."
Emily frowns, pointing between the two of then. "Uh, you two have met?"
Derek doesn't turn away from her. "Briefly."
JJ shoots him a look before steering Jordan away to meet the rest of the team, and you and Emily turn to Derek with matching expressions. "What was that about?"
"I met her at a coffee shop this morning," he explains, rubbing a hand over his face. "She knew my name then, and I guess this is how."
"JJ's about to pop," Emily says, glancing at you with a small smirk. "Looks like it's about to get interesting at the BAU."
***
Your first case back in the field takes you to Atlanta, where Vanessa Holden was murdered after going home with a man she met on a night out clubbing. Jordan briefs you all on the details back in the office before you get on the plane.
You're still not used to JJ being gone, and you heard all about Jordan's drive from Hotch when he came by your house with dinner periodically over your bureau-mandated leave, but you don't want to make any judgments before getting to know her yourself.
You sit across from Hotch on the plane, and you don't miss the way his eyes follow each of your movements from the second you sit down. Your bandages are still on, but you've regained almost all of your mobility.
As the jet takes off, you lean forward slightly to adjust the back of your blazer, and his gaze shoots to you, his brow furrowing with concern.
You flash your eyes at him, cutting the tension with a small smirk. I'm fine, I promise.
He squints slightly, scrutinizing your expression for a moment, before letting out an inscrutable sigh and turning back to the case file.
When you land in Atlanta, you start off at the police department with Hotch, Morgan, and Todd, and her continued insistence on being the first to meet with the local officials and debrief them surprises you, given JJ's more subtle nature when working with those who call your team in.
The local police let you know that the Holden family has stopped cooperating with their investigation, but the four of you head over to their home to try and speak with her mother and sister one last time. Jordan gets you in the house by sharing a story about her older sister who passed away, and you find yourself feeling awful about your misjudgment of her, until you notice the look of Hotch's face.
"Did you know that about Jordan?" you ask, trying to understand why he looks so miffed.
"No," he says simply, his brow pinched together, "and neither did she. According to her file, she's an only child."
You flash your eyes at Derek.
The conversation gets you a basic profile of the unsub, based on the cocky way he held himself with Vanessa and the way he was dressed when approaching her at the club, but when the moment you exit her home, Hotch corners Jordan on the driveway.
"The information about Vanessa Holden being the responsible sister," he fumes. "Where did you get that?"
She has the gall not to look ashamed, and you can't decide if you respect her resolve or detest her lack of responsibility. "Some of it was online, and some of it was an educated guess based on birth order."
"A guess."
You practically wince and Derek stares at her, as though trying to hypnotically get her to backtrack.
She looks down then, and he delivers the kicker. "And in the process you lied."
You step forward to insert yourself in the conversation (for what purpose, you don't yet know), but Jordan just stands up straighter, ready to defend herself. "That mother was shut down. I needed to salvage some rapport."
Hotch doesn't back down, and as his brow locks into place, you step back again. "I don't know how you did things in counter-terrorism, but we don't make it a habit to lie to get the job done."
"I got you in the door, didn't I?" she spits out one last time. It's both, you realize. Respect and distaste.
"Not only do you represent the FBI, you represent this team."
He shakes his head, and you cock your head at Derek, gesturing for him to head back to the car. You hear the tail end of their conversation as you yank open the passenger side door.
"From now on, everything goes through me."
Jordan gets saved by the literal bell as his phone rings, and when he steps away to answer it, she comes back to the SUV and gets in the back. "So, how bad did I just screw up?"
Derek heaves out a sigh, looking at her with his characteristic stoicism mixed with compassion. "On a normal scale of one to ten, I'd say a six."
He glances at you and you press your lips together. "But on Hotch's scale...an 11."
She rubs a hand over her face and you turn back to face the front, watching as Hotch paces back and forth, his phone pressed to his ear. He doesn't look up until he's back in the SUV.
***
The profile becomes clear when a new victim emerges: an unsub with a possible scar or birthmark above his left eye, who went to a class for pickup artists. After doing some researching with Garcia, Emily returns with a flyer for a man named Viper that makes your stomach twist.
You, Morgan, and Hotch join her at one of his classes later that day, and it takes everything in you not to sneer in disgust as he describes his approach to meeting women.
"This is the jungle, my friends," Viper finishes off, lifting his hands in the air theatrically, "and your prey wants to be caught."
You and Hotch share a look, and he raises his eyebrows as you cringe. What, not a fan?
You shove his shoulder with yours, but it's not hard enough to actually make him budge. Hilarious.
"Will you listen to that language?" Emily whispers from next to you. "He's training serial killers."
"Great," Derek sighs. "We're dealing with a rampant narcissist and misogynist who's turned himself into a snake oil salesman."
Hotch nods. "That's one more thing he has in common with our unsub."
The class ends soon after, and you get the distinct pleasure of meeting Viper in the flesh. When he approaches the four of you, he makes a clear effort to keep eye contact with only the men, likely trying to use his self-prescribed techniques to make you and Emily feel vulnerable. Instead, it just makes you want to laugh in his face.
"So you think this- what did you call him- unsub, took my class?"
He raises his eyebrows at Emily then, in what you can only hope is meant to be a seductive nature, and she practically snorts. Using his clear attraction to her to the team's advantage, she steps forward and takes control of the conversation. By the time she's finished, she has managed to secure his location for later tonight, and get him just flustered enough that a chance meeting later would have him ready to divulge anything she wants to hear.
'Please tell me we are not giving up on that guy." Emily heaves out a breath as you all walk back outside after speaking with Viper. She was just talking to him, but she looks like she's ready to take another shower.
Hotch flashes his eyes with uncharacteristic mirth. "We're just getting started."
***
His eyes keep darting back to the door of the locker room. Prentiss is going undercover at Club Aqua to get more information about the unsub from Viper, and when she suggested that you and Agent Todd join her, he couldn't think of a good enough reason to quash her idea.
He knows he's been hard on Todd. He figured it out on his own, even with your furtive glances from the passenger side of the SUV after leaving the Holden household.
He wishes he could say it all came from a place of protecting bureau leadership, but he knows that isn't completely true. It's been almost two weeks since he last saw Jack, and every time he drops him back at Haley's, that feeling settles back in his gut, like clockwork. The feeling that tells him he's just like his father.
The locker room door flies open and he averts his eyes, trying to maintain some level of subtlety, but it's only Prentiss and Todd. Where are you?
His unspoken question is answered when Prentiss announces that you told them to get started without you. He's still worried that you're not ready for this kind of assignment so early in your return to field work, so, before he can regret it, he stalks forward and pushes open the door.
The regret immediately comes when he sees your bare back, underneath your unzipped dress, on the far end of the locker room.
"Oh, sorry," he blinks, turning his head back. "I didn't realize-"
He moves to shut the door again, but you look over your shoulder and raise your hand, beckoning him inside. "Wait, I could actually use your help."
He steps through the door and crosses over to you, where you turn your back to him after a small glance. "Zip me up?"
The bottom of the zipper is at the small of your back, and he tries to avoid touching you as he pulls it up to the base of your shoulder blades. He isn't able to avoid it completely, and he tries to ignore the heat of your skin as he drops the zipper and nods. "All set."
You turn around and he forgets to step back in time, leaving you only a few inches from him as you glance up with a confused smile. "You okay?"
He nods again, stepping back and clearing his throat. Why is his skin burning? "I should be asking you that. Are you sure you're up for this?"
"I'm getting the bandages taken off later this week," you tell him, partly misunderstanding his concern. "It doesn't even hurt anymore."
That's definitely a lie, but he allows it for now. "That's not all I'm talking about. You haven't been in the field in months. I just worry that I'm tossing you into the deep end on your first day back."
"I'm fine," you insist, reaching out to put your hand on his forearm. "I would have refused the assignment if I didn't think I could handle it."
He's not sure if he believes that either, but in this case, the assignment itself seems odious enough that he can let it slide. "Okay. Are you ready to head out there?"
"Yeah, just one second."
He waits as you pull a thin necklace from your bag and clasp it around your neck. When it's attached, you spin around with a goofy smile. "How do I look?"
"Amazing," he says without thinking. "I mean- you look great, of course."
You just smile at him, before patting his shoulder and walking out the door to meet the Prentiss and Todd at the club. Your hair brushes past him as you leave, and the scent of your perfume lingers in the air behind you, a flowery aroma that persists even when the door swings shut.
***
Emily waves at you when you approach her and Jordan in a crowded part of the club. "Y/N, I'm sure you remember Viper. God's gift to women."
You smile at him sweetly, before glancing at her. "Sure hope he came with a receipt."
"Another friend," Viper says, letting out a weak laugh.
Emily uses this moment of distraction to pounce. "You promised if I met you on your turf, you'd show me something special. So...let's see it."
He starts spouting off some nonsense about chemical signals, and you're about to take Jordan's arm and pull her aside to give Emily some room, when Viper turns to you with a mock-sincere expression. "Does the boss man you're out here, with me?"
You turn back with a frown. "Excuse me?"
For a moment, you forget to mask your emotions and he practically grins as his bravado grows. "What I do for a living is pretty similar to what you all do. I read people...and from what I could tell during your little ambush of my class earlier, there's something going on between you and the supervisor."
You let out a laugh that feels surprisingly forced as it leaves your throat. "I really can't believe there are people out there who pay you for assessments like that, because you're dead wrong."
He shrugs, looking back at Emily, and you roll your eyes at him before turning away under the guise of giving them some space. When you're out of his line of sight, you let out a breath that was caught in your chest. You know you and Hotch are closer than most friendships are at your age, and you're not unaccustomed to people reading more into it than there is, so you're not sure why Viper's words feel like a fist around your gut.
"Hey, you okay?" You turn back to see Jordan approaching you with a glass of water. "He's really trying everything to get under our skin."
You accept the glass gratefully, and swallow a few gulps, before nodding. "Thank you. I think I just needed some air. I forgot how stuffy these clubs get."
"I hear that." She laughs and you feel your chest loosen with relief that she didn't believe Viper's insinuation. "I can't believe I'm saying it, but I'm almost excited to get back into my work clothes."
You let out a breathy chuckle, before sending her back to keep an eye on Emily as she works on breaking Viper. Later that night, when you get back to the station to meet up with the rest of the team, you excuse yourself early to head to the hotel, and you allow yourself to pretend, just this once, that you weren't avoiding him, and you really were just tired.
***
You're sitting in your car in front of the hospital at seven in the morning, because you didn't want to take any work off just to get your bandages removed. You know this is likely the exact sort of thing the bureau mandates time off for, but a small part of you didn't want anyone knowing you were coming here. Or maybe you just didn't want him to know.
You haven't been trying to avoid him. You may be a little embarrassed by how far under your skin Viper got with his one little comment, but you can't help it. The notion stirred something you don't recognize inside of you and you don't want to take the time to think through it.
You take a deep breath and get out of your car, before walking into the hospital and checking in for your appointment. When you called to secure a time slot, the nurse mentioned that, barring any complications, the appointment shouldn't take more than half an hour.
You're a few minutes early, so you sit in the waiting area, flipping through a fashion magazine from the table next to you. After a minute, you're so engrossed in a page about returning trends that you don't realize he is sitting next to you until he taps the side of your foot with his own.
"Oh shit," you blurt out when you see him, more out of surprise than the shame of being caught. "How did you know I'd be here?"
"Garcia saw it in your calendar and told me." You turn to look at him with mock-exasperation, but you're caught off guard by the genuine hurt in his eyes. "Why didn't you tell me the appointment was today? I could've driven you."
You open your mouth to come up with an excuse, but all that comes out is, "I don't know." He doesn't look convinced, but the doctor calls your name then and you stand up, pressing your lips together. "Will you come with me?"
He stands up immediately, without another word, and you both follow the doctor into a back room, where she proceeds to remove your bandages and check where you are in the healing process. The wound is closed, and is almost entirely scarred over, but she recommends that you continue to take it easy - a point which you see Hotch take mental note of immediately - and limit excessive physical activity.
"The wound is healing very nicely," the doctor says as you walk back to the front. "Give me a call if anything changes, but as long as you keep applying the salve, there shouldn't be a permanent scar."
You thank her before she heads back to meet with another patient, and Hotch holds the front door open for you as you walk out into the parking lot.
"Thank you for coming," you tell him earnestly, "even though I didn't ask you to. I should've told you."
He exhales through his nose, bumping your shoulder. "Yeah, you should have."
He loops his arm through yours as you step off the curb and you lean your head on his shoulder for a second before unlocking your car. You were stupid to let Viper's words get to you. He's your best friend.
He's your best friend, and you love him.
***
One of the first happy memories at the office in a long time comes in the form of JJ coming in with baby Henry. It feels like a welcome relief to see her face back in the bullpen, and for a few peaceful moments, everything feels like it's back to normal.
You know firsthand how much this job takes from people, and Jordan's absence in the office now doesn't go unnoticed, even with a sweet baby boy here to take your mind off of it.
Is this my fault?
Rossi had tried to talk her down after discovering that the unsub had killed his entire family in their home, seemingly after her press release, but sometimes the words aren't enough.
I'm not sure I can do this job.
There had been so much anguish in her voice as she admitted to Rossi that she wasn't cut out for this line of work, but no part of you judged her for it. A bigger piece of you almost envied her ability to recognize that she was in over her head - that she couldn't keep going like this.
Looking at JJ now though, you feel a sense of hope again, like maybe this job doesn't take everything from you.
"I thought you could use a surprise," she smiles, cradling Henry in her arms under a swath of blankets.
"He's beautiful," you whisper, stepping in closer to get a better look at his little scrunched-up face.
Penelope comes back into the room with a freshly warmed up bottle of milk, and JJ starts to feed him as everyone leans closer in wonder. "I wanted us to have at least one good memory to hold onto in this room."
Before you can react, Derek is pushing past you and Spencer. "Excuse me, kid. Um, JJ, can I..."
He points to the bundle in her arms and she looks at him with a soft grin. "Of course."
She carefully transfers Henry into his arms as all of the women worriedly chime in with reminders and comments on his form.
"You gotta hold his head up."
"Careful, you're smothering him!"
"I got it," Derek chuffs, before rocking Henry in his arms. "Look at that, what's he doing? He's smiling at Derek Morgan."
Penelope and Emily share a look. "Gas."
He shoots them a pointed glare, before grabbing the bottle from Garcia's hand and feeding Henry himself. "Hey, little man."
You can't help the smile that crosses your face as you step back to give them some room. Your shoulder bumps into Hotch as you step around JJ, and you look back at him, noticing the little curve of his lips. "You're smiling."
He glances over at you with an eye roll. "Gas."
***
"What's up, Hotch?"
You roll over and turn your bedside lamp on as you press your cellphone to your ear. The alarm clock beside you says it's just past five in the morning.
"We have a case."
You frown, pushing yourself up. "Wouldn't JJ usually call us to come in?"
"This one's different." His voice sounds slightly muffled and his tone is colored by a familiar tinge of irritation. "Dallas AG called me last night to come down here, and it looks like they may have a serial."
"You went alone?" you ask, trying to blink the grogginess from your eyes as you get out of bed. You are distinctly aware of how many questions you're asking, but your brain is still fuzzy from being woken up.
"Yeah," he says simply, before you hear someone call his name from the other end of the line. "I convinced them to bring the team in as well. Anyway, I have to go, but I'll see you soon."
"Yeah, see you-" The line cuts and you sigh, tossing the phone down.
So much for a full night of rest.
***
Spencer briefs all of you on female serial killers on the flight over, and once you land, Hotch is waiting at the hotel. You drop your things off in your room and meet with him, Rossi, and Morgan to head over to the location of the latest crime scene, when another man is murdered.
"Victim was Joseph Fielding," Rossi explains when you enter the office building. "He was CFO here."
"Poisoned?" you clarify.
"And staged," Morgan adds, glancing over the body. This time, the victim was left out in the open, naked and tied up. There's no way the company can keep the media away from this one.
"Which one of you is Aaron Hotchner?"
You turn around to see a man in a fancy suit stalking towards the four of you. You step back to let Hotch get around you, and he approaches the man with a frown. "I'm Hotchner."
"Larry Bartlett," he introduces himself. "I represent Mr. Fielding and Webster Industries."
Hotch angles himself to stand between the man and the body. "This is a closed crime scene, Mr. Bartlett."
"I spoke to Ellen Daniels," he explains, his eyes glinting with over-confidence. "She said you're a very reasonable man."
You resist the urge to snort as Hotch moves to get the attention of the police officers nearby. "Escort him out, please."
"No, wait! The press is outside, and they can smell blood. Any way we can handle this discreetly?"
This time it's you who frowns. "We're not about to lie for you."
"Don't have to lie," he says, gesturing with his hands as though that will help his case. "Just don't comment."
Hotch looks at him for a moment, before excusing himself and pulling the rest of you aside. "Is there any reason to go public yet?"
Rossi shrugs. "Validating her is exactly what she wants. If we hold back, she's more likely to make a mistake."
You almost smile. "He doesn't need to know that."
Hotch meets your eye for a beat before spinning around and putting his lawyer face back on. "We need everything you have on Fielding. Bank accounts, tax records, emails...everything."
***
When Penelope uncovers that the victims have all been withholding child support from their ex-wives, Hotch meets with the city's high-profile corporate lawyers to present the profile. You're not sure how helpful this will be, given that their primary motive is to protect their clients' companies, but it proves useful when one of the lawyers reveals that the unsub may have a penthouse to her name.
The apartment is massive. You walk around the living area, trying to find anything the unsub may have left out, but she has clearly been covering her tracks.
When you don't find anything by the bedroom, you head over to the walk-in closet where Derek and Emily are poking around her jewelry box.
"Hey, Prentiss," Derek suddenly says, lifting up a leather bodysuit and holding it in front of her. "Got a whip?"
Rolling your eyes, you smack the top of his head with the evidence baggy in your hands and walk back out to find Hotch. He's poring over her antique book collection when suddenly the apartment phone starts to ring.
You all argue for a few moments over who should take the call, and Derek quickly alerts Garcia to trap-and-trace it, before it soon goes to voicemail.
"Hi, it's me," the woman's voice says brightly in the voicemail message. "You know what to do." There's a beep, and then her voice comes back, more present this time. "Aaron."
Your eyes snap over to him, but he's still looking at the phone.
"I know you're up there," she continues. "Aaron Hotchner."
He reaches forward and carefully lifts the phone with his gloved hand. He walks over to the window as he presses it to his ear. "I'm at a disadvantage. You seem to know my name, but I don't know yours."
You bend down and press the speaker button on the main console as he moves across the room.
"I thought I could trust you, Aaron." Her voice is tight over the line, the tiny speakers still enough to amplify the emotion in her voice. She sounds so...disappointed.
"Who says you can't?" he responds slowly, clearly testing the range of her emotion.
"I want to," she says quietly. "I even looked you up online. I watched the presentation you gave on school shootings...and for a moment, I actually thought there were still good people in the world."
You remember that presentation. There had been a shooting at an elementary school in Virginia, and the moment the news hit, he had been on the phone, discussing procedures to ensure it wouldn't happen again. You went with him that day that he gave the speech, and you could tell he had been thinking of Jack the entire time he was up there.
Hotch closes his eyes for a beat. "But I've disappointed you, haven't I? Just like all the other men in your life who've walked out on their families."
The line is silent, before: "Did you walk out on your family?"
Hotch looks down for a moment and you fight the urge to walk over and pull him into a hug. "No. My wife left me."
You can feel the team's eyes on you as you keep your expression neutral, your eyes focused on him.
"Do you have kids?"
Your mind flashes to Jack, and your chest feels warm as he nods, before muttering a quick "yes".
The woman speaks up again, her voice stronger yet more emotional. "How often do you see him?"
"I try to see him every week."
She scoffs. "Do you see him every week?" Her question is like a jab, trying to push him into doing or saying something that will prove he's just like the other men in her life.
"No," he admits, glancing back at you. You nod, trying to let him know that you're right here. "I don't get there as often as I want."
"I believe you." Her voice softens and you watch as Hotch's expression turns back to his thinking face. He has an idea.
He lets her talk for a minute, listening in to Garcia's updates on the trap-and-trace, until he chimes in again. "But I'm just frustrating you, aren't I?"
You can hear the confusion in her tone. "What do you mean?"
"Well, you wanna show the world all these bad men, and my investigation's just getting in your way."
"No, Aaron," she sighs heavily. "You just want me to disappear, just like they do."
He shakes his head, turning to look out the window. "Truthfully, I'm only interested in finding you. You don't know who to trust. Am I right?"
There are tears in her voice as she quietly whispers an acknowledgement.
"Come to me and turn yourself in." He walks back to the living area. "I will make sure that you get the help you need. I won't let you disappear."
His voice is a comfort, and for a brief moment, you think that he could probably convince you to turn yourself in if you had to.
There's a beat of silence, before a small rustling sound. "If we met under different circumstances...I could believe that."
The rustling continues, before her tone changes completely, going from soft and meek to strong and icy. "I won't let you cover this up."
There's a gunshot right before the call cuts out.
***
You follow Hotch and Derek into the hotel room, checking behind you as you aim your gun out in front of you. Once Garcia found Megan Kane's address and client list, everything else fell into place.
The room is empty, except for a gun and a bottle of champagne placed theatrically on the center table.
"Hotch," Derek whispers, pointing out at the balcony, where a figure is laying down on one of the lounge chairs.
His brow furrows and he lifts his hand. "Wait here."
"You sure?" you ask, stepping forward to get a better look.
He nods. "It's over. She knows it."
Derek steps out to call 911, and you watch as Hotch approaches her slowly, tucking his gun into his holster before sitting on the chair beside her.
"Nothing will change," you hear her whisper, her voice overflowing with despair. "They'll just go back to doing whatever they want and they'll keep getting away with it."
He shakes his head. "Not if I have anything to do with it."
The response is almost corny, but his voice is so earnest that you find yourself believing him anyway.
He reaches forward and takes her hand, holding it tightly as her head lolls to the side to look at him. "How could your wife have ever left someone like you?"
He doesn't say anything, but you can feel the sadness permeating off of both of them as he comforts her in her final moments. Haley is one of your good friends, and you know she would've made their marriage work if it was something she could control. This job just isn't that.
Megan lets out a soft sob and you avert your eyes, feeling like you're intruding on a private moment. "You're the first man I ever met who didn't let me down. Will you stay with me?"
He doesn't hesitate. "Yes."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
He holds her hand for a long time, and he doesn't stand up until you're certain she's been dead for minutes. The walk back to you is slow, and you can see the extra weight on his shoulders as he trudges across the hotel room.
You open your arms and he all but falls into them, letting you pull him into a tight hug that you can tell is holding him together right now.
"You did good," you whisper as his face presses into your shoulder. "You kept your promise. It's the last thing she wanted, and you gave it to her."
You feel him nod, and a moment later, he stands up, letting his arms drop like deadweights. His hair is slightly disheveled, so you reach up and push the front strands back from his forehead, before resting your hand on his cheek for a quick second. "Let's go home?"
He nods again. "Let's go home."
***
It's snowing. You don't realize it until you step out of the car and onto the sidewalk in front of the Georgetown brownstone where the priest was taken in.
Emily and Derek caught him in the middle of an attempted exorcism, and you didn't arrive with the rest of the team until they were already bringing him out in cuffs. She looks shaken as she leads her friend out of the house and to the ambulance waiting on the street.
Once the paramedics take him from her hands, her body all but deflates, and she exhales deeply, as though releasing the pent-up tension from the day.
"Em," you whisper, approaching her slowly. "Can I drive you home?"
She doesn't look at you at first. Whites flecks of snow dance across your vision and stick to her coat and hair as she stares at the ground. After a moment, she shakes her head. "I'm gonna walk for a while."
Her feet don't move, and you're reminded of a conversation you had years ago, when she comforted you and offered you a quiet place to just be. Gently looping your arm through hers, you ask, "Do you want some company?"
She nods almost immediately, and you let her lead the way as you walk away from the red and blue flashing lights. You can't imagine how tough this case must have been for her, especially because the people she loved were so deeply involved.
The walk is silent, and you look down, watching the patterns the soles of your boots make in the snow. You only stop moving when Emily does, her sudden stillness tugging you back as she stands in front of a small church that she must have seen from down the street.
She lets go of your arm as she turns her face up to the sky, hugging herself in an effort to stay warm or shield herself. Maybe a mix of both.
"You don't have to say anything," you say softly as you turn to face the church as well, your shoulder pressing lightly against hers, "but if you want to, I'm always here to listen."
Emily glances up at the church, her eyes shining in the cold, and presses her lips together as she takes in a shaky breath. "My friend...who died...Matthew. He knew the Bible inside and out, and one day he started to question everything."
You think you know where this is going, but you don't want to interrupt her when she's letting out emotions she has clearly kept inside for years.
"We moved around a lot when I was younger, because of my mom's postings, and when you're 15, it's really hard to get accepted."
She's silent for a few moments and you take the opportunity to fill in the gaps for her, so she doesn't have to say it out loud. "You got pregnant?"
She nods, taking a deep breath. "Matthew wasn't the father. It-it was...something else. But I didn't know what to do. He told me to talk to our priest, but he just said that if I had an abortion, I wasn't welcome in his congregation."
Your throat tightens with tears and you blink them back, swallowing thickly. "What did you do?"
"Matthew found a doctor." Her arms tighten around her abdomen, and she lets out a small shiver. "He took me there, and he stayed with me. Then, when we got back, he held my hand and walked me into the church." Her voice cracks as she continues. "Father Gamino actually stopped his sermon, but Matthew told me to hold my head up and we walked to the front pew."
Her arms fall then, and you look up to see the wetness on her cheeks, pink from the cold. "Matthew saved my life. He made me feel like I was worthy of...love, and friendship, but then his anger and questioning started." She finally looks at you, and her eyes are wide with grief and anguish. "He saved me, and it's my fault that his life unraveled."
You're shaking your head before she's even finished speaking. "Em, honey, it's not your fault. He was your friend. He loved you, and everything he did for you was his choice. Anything he discovered after that was already within him."
Another tear falls down her cheek and you reach forward to pull her into a hug that she accepts gratefully. "You're one of the strongest people I know."
Her hands clutch the back of your coat as she cries silently into your shoulder, and you don't let go until she finally stops shaking.
***
Hotch is ending a phone call when you step into his office. He sets it down and nods when you step inside, but you can see the lines of tension just in the way he's standing.
"Is everything alright?" you ask, walking inside and standing in front of his desk. "What was that call about?"
He doesn't look up. "Shaunessy died last night."
"Oh, Aaron, I'm so sorry." You squeeze his forearm over the desk, but he still won't look at you. "He was your first boss here at the BAU, right?"
He nods, before clearing his throat and straightening his back. "He was sick. This isn't a surprise, but there's something else we may need to talk about-"
He's interrupted by JJ coming into his office, a case file in hand. "Sorry, but you wanted to know immediately about any unusual Boston homicides?"
You see his jaw twitch as he takes the file from her and flips it open, scanning the first page quickly. JJ glances over at you, a confused expression on her face, but you can only shrug.
He looks up after a minute. "We're going to Boston."
JJ sputters. "Wha-what, but we haven't been invited?"
"We will be." He grabs his coat and sidesteps the two of you, before booking it out of his office. You're hot on his heels as he grabs his briefcase and alerts the team that they need to be ready to leave within the hour.
"What was that about?" Morgan asks, turning to you.
You shrug again. "I have no idea." You turn to the glass doors swinging shut behind him, and rush outside before you can second guess your actions.
"Aaron!" you call out, forcing him to hold the elevator for you. "Tell me what's going on."
He sighs as you step inside, and he sets the briefcase on the floor. "It's the Boston Reaper. He's back."
"The Reaper?" The name sends a shudder through your body. "That was your first case as a profiler, wasn't it?"
He nods, and you wait for him to continue. "He offered Shaunessy a deal that if he shut down the investigation, then he would stop killing."
His words take a moment to register, but then your face falls. "He took the deal. And now that he's dead..."
"The Reaper has started killing again."
***
The next crime scene comes in the form of an older couple, who were killed in their car on the side of the street. When you arrive, you discover that the unsub left behind the previous victim's watch, as well as a note.
You sidle up next to Hotch, bumping your shoulder against his to alert him to your presence. "Looks like he went through her purse. Any idea what he was looking for?"
He's so focused on the letter in his hands that he doesn't respond, so you lean in and read it from beside his shoulder. "The question mark is new."
"It's for us," he says suddenly, dropping his hand and looking at you. "He's saying it's not fate. He's saying we had 10 years to save them and that these latest ones are on us."
You frown, trying to scrutinize the lines of tension on his face. "You got all that from one question mark?"
"I may know him better than I've let on."
Your brow furrows and you grab his wrist, bringing his attention back to you. "What does that mean? Aaron?"
"It means that there is a profile on The Reaper."
"You said you were called off before you could make one-"
"We were," he cuts you off, shaking his head. "I had just started the profile, and then he stopped killing, so officially we were done, but..."
You purse your lips. "But this case stuck with you."
He nods. "I kept coming back to it over the years, and I worked on it alone."
You can imagine young Hotch, in his first years at the bureau, poring over the case file late into the night, because he couldn't put it away when the unsub was still out there. You realize, all of a sudden, that it reminds you of Gideon.
Looking up at him, you release his wrist, letting your fingers drag on his pulse for a moment before letting go. "We need to hear your profile."
***
After he gives the profile alone, you all head back to the hotel to get some rest before the long days ahead of you. In your heart of hearts, you know that no one will really be sleeping tonight, least of all Hotch, so you go up to his room with him to keep working on the case.
"Can you imagine living with the fear that the man who killed your fiancee, and nearly killed you, is still out there?" Your question is mostly rhetorical, but Hotch still lets out a soft grunt from the bed where he's poring over crime scene photos from the last few victims.
"It explains why Foyet went so underground," he says with a frown. "The multiple residences under different names, always taking the bus...I just wish he had taken us up on moving him to a safe house."
"I think that's actually the one part I do understand," you muse, looking up from the file on your lap. "Part of the reason why I came back from my dad's house so soon after Jeff died was because I needed everything to return to normal. I needed my life back."
He glances up at you then with a slight raise of his eyebrow and you shake your head before looking back down. It's okay. Not now.
He looks like he wants to say something, but then the hotel room phone goes off, piercing the air with a high ringing sound. He gets off the bed and picks it up, answering with a stern, "Hotchner."
He's silent at first, but you only look up when you hear him say, "You've misjudged me. I'm the guy who hunts guys like you...I'll see you soon." He slams the phone down on the receiver, and even though you know exactly what that was, you still need him to say it.
"Hotch, what was that?"
He rubs a hand over his face, pacing back and forth across the small space in front of you.
"Was that him?"
He doesn't respond, instead mumbling something under his breath that you can't make out. You stand up and cross the room, before grabbing his forearms so he's forced to look at you. "Aaron! What did he say?"
His eyes are frantic as he finally meets your eye. "He offered me the same deal...and I didn't take it."
***
"Six bodies, not including the driver. He put 'em down with the gun and finished them off with his knife."
The scene inside the bus is horrifying. Blood is dripping from each of the seats, and the words "No Deal", along with a series of numbers, are painted in blood on the windows.
Rossi comes up beside you as you watch Hotch survey the scene, an eerie stillness to his composure. "What's going on with him?"
You glance at him, before turning back to Hotch. "The Reaper called him at his room tonight, offering the deal...and he hung up on him."
Rossi nods, before patting your arm and stepping around you. He nods at Hotch, grabbing his attention away from the scene he hasn't been able to look away from for minutes. "Y/N told me what happened earlier. So, what, you think this is your fault?"
"It is." His voice is shakier than you'd expect based on the resolution in his choice of words.
"Okay," Rossi shrugs, reaching for the gun in his holster. "Here, use mine." Your brow furrows and you step forward, making sure you're nearby in case this gets out of hand. You love Dave, but he can be a bit heavy-handed sometimes.
"You convinced me," he continues, shoving his hand forward. Hotch shakes his head, but he doesn't let up. "No, no, you hung up on him. You practically killed them yourself. Go ahead, get it over with. Don't worry about us. We'll get this guy without you."
Hotch closes his eyes for a moment, and when he opens them, they're shining with tears. You realize, with a shock, that you haven't seen him cry in decades. Not since the day after his father's funeral when Sean shut himself in his room for hours, because he truly believed that his brother didn't care about their family.
When he looks at Rossi again, a few tears have fallen down his cheeks. "I had ten years to do something about it."
"Look," he says simply, lowering his gun, "if you want to end up like Shaunessy, like Gideon, blaming yourself for everything, then you go ahead. But that voice in your head, it's not your conscience. It's your ego."
Hotch deflates, and you reach forward to wrap your fingers around his wrist, maintaining a steady connection. He looks at you, and you dip your chin into a tiny nod. It's not always your fault.
He looks back at Dave with a heavy sigh, but he doesn't pull his hand from your grasp. "You can put that away now."
Rossi raises his eyebrows as he tucks the gun away. "You sure?"
Hotch shakes his head, unable to hide his smile, and you let out a little chuckle. "It's a little dramatic, don't you think?"
"My wife always said I had a flair for the dramatic."
You and Hotch speak up at the same time. "Which one?"
Rossi shrugs. "All of them."
You laugh, before squeezing Aaron's wrist once more and letting go.
***
George Foyet is the Reaper.
You can't believe it even as the words circle around your brain. The team was able to catch him before he killed Colson, the journalist who wrote a book about him, but the victory still doesn't feel sweet.
I'm gonna be more famous than you even realize.
His last words before Derek cuffed him and handed him off to the police. They won't leave your head even as you step off the elevator into the office. Emily and JJ are chatting about some new restaurant in town as they step out ahead of you, and you walk to your desk in a trance, unable to figure out why you aren't able to let out the breath you've been holding since you left for Boston.
Your question is answered when JJ runs back from her office a few minutes later, her phone clutched in her hand and a panicked expression on her face. "Foyet escaped."
***
It takes a while for Derek to get over the Foyet news. He took his badge and credentials when he knocked him out, and even with the replacement he was given, you know the knowledge that Foyet is out there is still irking at him.
Hotch isn't much better. He's been throwing himself into work extra hard, and you're worried he's going to burn out or simply combust if he keeps at it.
This is exactly what Foyet wants, you want to scream. He's trying to get in your heads and mess with your life, without even being here.
But you don't say it.
***
He's been so immersed in work that he doesn't really get to talk to you until a case in Oregon, where an unsub has been killing people by hitting them with his car.
You're grabbing a cup of coffee at the local police station, pouring in an uncharacteristic packet of sugar, when he approaches you, perching on the edge of the counter. "Sugar?"
"I know," you sigh, tossing the empty packet into the trash can next to you. "I just wanted something a little sweeter today."
"Can't argue with that," he says softly, making you smile. It drops almost as fast as it appeared, and he scoots closer as he hands you a wooden stirrer. "How are you holding up?"
This case can't be easy for you, especially knowing how your mom died. You don't talk about it often, but when you do, he can tell it's because you need to let it out. He's the same way with his father, only the feelings he is hiding from are different.
"I'm fine," you say quickly, like it's an automatic response. You both know it's a lie, and you close your eyes for a beat, dropping the stirrer into your cup. "I should be fine, but...I don't know." He follows your gaze over to the open case file across the table, and notices how your eyes hang on the crime scene photos. The car wreckage. The tread marks on the road. "I don't know why this case is affecting me so much. I didn't even see the crash when my mom died."
He reaches forward and closes the file. "Grief works in interesting ways." If there's anything he has the authority to speak on, it's grief. But then again, so do you. He doesn't know if he would've gotten through the aftermath of his father's death without you. Thinking about it now, he doesn't think he's told anyone else the whole truth about his family. "Anything can be a trigger."
"What was your trigger?" you ask suddenly, turning to look at him. "After your dad died?" Your eyes are full of curiosity, and for a moment, he wonders again if you really can read his mind.
He takes a deep breath before answering. "For a while, almost everything was. The smell of his beer, the material of his favorite coat...it all made me so angry."
"I remember," you whisper, setting your coffee down, "but soon after, that changed." You look at him with a small smile. "You met Haley."
His jaw twitches and he realizes that he wasn't even thinking about her. The first person that came to mind when he thought about his healing process was you. Haley was everything to him, but she wasn't built for the life he grew up with. She wouldn't have been able to understand the rage flowing through his body when he thought of his father's death. The anger and hurt he felt, that somehow always transformed to guilt when he went back home for the night.
"Yeah," he says after a moment, accepting your judgment, even if it is a lie. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore, so he diverts back to the original subject. "Your mother was different. She loved you exactly how you deserved to be loved. Even if it hurts sometimes, it's just a reminder that you had something great."
That makes you smile, and he feels warmth fill his chest. "Yeah, I guess you're right."
He nods, patting your knee. "It's been known to happen."
***
You're in the passenger seat next to Derek when you see it. You watch him swerve his SUV into the unsub's truck in real time, but you still don't believe what you're seeing until the cars come to a stop, smoke billowing out of the front.
Derek screeches to a stop and there's glass everywhere as you throw yourself out of the SUV and race towards the collision site.
Aaron is stumbling out of his car when you reach him. There's a gash on his forehead, dripping blood down his face, and another on his arm. He tries to reach for his gun, but you grab his arms, holding him against the SUV.
"Sorry," he mutters through gritted teeth as you reach up to swipe the blood off his forehead before it falls into his eye. Your hand stays on his face as you survey the rest of him for any other wounds that may need your attention.
Once you're certain that he'll be okay, you turn back to him with a glare. "You scared the shit out of me." Your thumb is unconsciously rubbing circles on his jaw as he looks down at you. You are well aware that danger comes with the job description, but he also knows you would kill him if he ever put himself in serious danger, especially when it wasn't necessary. "Don't ever do that again."
He takes a deep breath as you pick a piece of glass out of his hair. When you return to meet his gaze, he reaches out to grab the strap of your vest. "I'm sorry."
You tug each other forward into a hug at seemingly the same time. You don't get the chance to be careful with his wounds as you collide into his chest, but you forget about everything else the moment his arms close around you. He's okay. He's alive.
"You don't get to die on me," you whisper into his collarbone as you tighten your grip around him. "Promise me."
You know it's not fair. You know it's not something he can control, especially with the kinds of people you chase on a daily basis, but it doesn't matter, because he knows you. He knows when you need the facts, and when you need reassurance, so instead of uttering a funny quip or a painful truth, he just says, "I promise."
***
Are you sure it's okay that I'm coming?
You type back a response as soon as you see the message on your phone. Of course. Dave invited you and Jack, and I would love to see you too.
A few minutes later, you get a simple Ok, so you set your phone down on the table and stand up to join the rest of your friends. With summer around the corner, Dave wanted to host a garden party, and after the last few months, you definitely don't mind the respite.
"Come get some more food," he tells you the moment you approach them by the edge of his huge yard. He's standing with Derek, Spencer, and Penelope by a long table adorned with steaming dishes of bread, pasta, and salad.
"I'll explode if I eat any more," you say with a laugh as Spencer stuffs another piece of bread into his mouth. For a small as he looks, he can be a bottomless pit when it comes to good food. "Have you guys seen Hotch?"
"He isn't here yet," Penelope notes as Derek wraps an arm around her. "I'll keep an eye out though."
"Do you think he'll bring Haley and Jack?" Spencer asks as JJ approaches with Henry in her arms.
"I told her to come," you say, tickling the baby's chin with the tip of your finger. "It'll be nice to see everyone together."
As though conjured by their questions, the door to the backyard opens and Jack steps out with Haley and Hotch right behind him.
"You're here!" You walk across the lawn and give her a quick hug, before bending down and lifting Jack into the air. "What's up, Jack-o-lantern? You're so big now."
"Yeah," he giggles, wrapping his arms around your neck. You press a loud kiss to the side of his head and he bursts into a fit of giggles as you tickle his belly with your free hand.
"I'm so glad you made it," Dave says from behind you as he comes over and gives Haley a hug. "We love having you here."
She raises her eyebrow at Hotch, but there's no intention behind it. Divorce seems to have treated them well, reminding them of all of the good that was there before everything else got in the way. "Thank you for inviting us."
"Seriously, thank you," Hotch agrees, before reaching out to take Jack from your arms.
"Any time," Dave says sincerely, before nodding at him. "Come help me grab some more wine from the cellar."
They disappear into the house, and you pull Haley down with you into two of the chairs by the edge of the sprawling yard. "Hotch and Jack are sweet together."
She nods, looking wistfully at the door. "He loves any time he gets with his dad."
"It can't be easy," you say slowly, hoping you aren't breaching a boundary unknown to you. "I've seen firsthand how busy the job has been getting recently. I haven't been home before midnight in over a week."
She's silent for a moment, and you worry that you crossed the line, but then she just smiles. "He's trying so hard...and that's all I can really ask for, isn't it?"
You suppose she's right. Not everyone is lucky enough to find a person who fights as hard as Aaron does to get home to his family at the end of the day.
"You're good for him, you know." You look at her as she crosses one leg over the other. "You always have been."
"You are too."
"I know," she says, before shaking her head. Her expression is warm as she smiles at you. "It's not the same, though. Even when you weren't around, you were in everything he did."
You don't know exactly where she's going with this, and you're acutely aware of the choruses of laughter floating over to you from across the lawn as she reaches out to squeeze your arm. "He loves you."
Your face transforms into what you imagine is a look of confusion. "I love him, too. He's my best friend."
Haley looks at you for a moment, before shaking her head with a nearly inscrutable sigh. "Anyway, thanks for convincing me to come. I'm gonna get some food."
~
Eventually, the sun sets, and the string lights in Dave's backyard turn on, along with the soft sounds of Ella Fitzgerald and Sam Cooke. He helps Derek and Will push the tables and chairs aside to make room for a dance floor, and soon, Haley is in his arms as they swing along to the lilting tunes filtering out over the yard.
It feels natural, dancing with her like this, but at the same time, he knows it's different now. He holds her firmly as she tilts in his arms, loose from the wine that Dave made sure was pouring all night, and she lets him swing her around the lawn, no care in the world.
Soon, the song changes, and she looks at him with a dreamy smile. "You love this song."
It's a soft tune by Sam Cooke, one he can't remember the name of right now, but he smiles at her as he nods. "I'm glad you're here. You and Jack."
"I missed you all," she says, before cracking a smile. "Mostly just Y/N though."
That makes him laugh, and before he knows it, Dave is walking over, with you on his hand, asking to trade partners for the song. "I haven't gotten to talk to Haley all night."
It's not the best excuse, but Haley doesn't seem to mind at all. "Of course, I'd love to dance."
Dave whisks her away, and Hotch holds a hand out for you, pulling you into another steady swing.
"I love this song," you whisper as the two of you fall into a rhythm. "I Wish You Love."
Right, that's what it's called. His hand settles on your waist as you grip his shoulder, and he can tell you've had a bit of wine too, but only because of the red tint of your cheeks.
"This is nice," you say after a few beats of silence. "We don't get to do this often."
He nods, turning you to make room for Derek and Emily, who are swinging heartily across the yard. "It's nice to see the kids together." He glances over your shoulder to peer at JJ, who has Henry and Jack in each of her arms. She has jumped head first into motherhood, and it suits her.
The song changes to something a little slower, so he steers you to the edge of the dance floor, taking control as your feet glide after him. Maybe you've had a bit more wine than he first assumed.
The thought makes him chuckle and you look at him with a quizzical expression. "What's so funny?"
"Nothing." He shakes his head, and clasps your hand tighter to hold you to him. He glances over your shoulder again and finds an excuse for his laughter almost immediately. "Garcia is trying to teach Reid how to dance."
You tug his arm immediately, spinning the two of you around so you can see the situation he described, and your face breaks out into a wide grin when you spot them a few paces over. "The poor kid has no coordination."
As you watch them dance, he watches you. The way the string lights glance over your exposed shoulders. The sparkle of your eyes under the waning moonlight. He realizes, not for the first time, how beautiful you are.
He could give himself the usual excuse, that it's just the time of the night, or the single glass of red he drank a few hours ago, but tonight, he lets himself just be there.
You're his best friend, and he loves you. He's here, dancing around the grass with some of his closest companions, and you're with him. For once, he can just be.
***
You can't the pile of shoes out of your head. Derek and Emily were able to find the girl before Lucas Turner killed her, but even after arresting him and getting her back to her mother, the case is still sticking with you.
89 pairs of shoes.
You shake the thought from your head as you get into Hotch's car in the field office parking lot. He insisted on driving you home after seeing the look on your face in the plane, and for once, you didn't argue with him.
"I can't stop thinking about them," you whisper as he pulls out of the lot. "So many lives that are forever changed because of two men."
You saw how Derek reacted when he found the box of muddy shoes. You saw JJ's face after she had to shoot Hightower for murdering the man who experimented on his sister.
"I'm thinking of giving everyone a few days off," he says, glancing over at you. "We all need some time to get away from this job. I'll put the request in tomorrow morning."
You nod, unable to voice your opinion. You feel depleted, without having even witnessed the horrors you know occurred up on that farm.
It takes a second, but eventually you regain the ability to speak. "Do you think it's worth it?" Your voice feels like sandpaper, but the question hurts more than anything else. "This life, I mean."
He mulls it over, and you notice his grip tighten on the steering wheel in front of him. "I think it has to be." Your brow furrows, and you don't know whether you want to scream or cry at how terrible that answer feels right now, but he isn't finished. "We have put too much of ourselves into this job to allow us to forget about all of the good that has come out of it too. If we choose to forget the good, then none of it means anything."
You look at him in wonder, realizing he has voiced exactly what you needed to hear. You're constantly awestruck by how he always seems to know exactly what to say to bring back your sense of purpose.
"You're good at this whole leadership thing," you say softly, cracking a smile when he looks at you. "You help me grow."
He pushes you just hard enough to help you transform into something so much bigger and better than you hoped you could be. His chin dips and he turns back to the road as your neighborhood comes into view. "You help me grow too."
You lean your cheek on your palm as you snuggle further into the seat. "I called Josh Cramer, over at organized crime."
His eyebrows raise with surprise and he glances over at you. "Jeff's old boss? How did that go?"
During your last interaction at the BAU office all those years ago, you weren't ready to see him yet. He still reminded you of the hate and anger and guilt you felt over Jeff's death.
The last few months have been kinder to you, though. It doesn't hurt as much when you think about him.
"It went well," you sigh, looking out the window at the houses passing by. "Even though it'll never really be the same, it felt more like old times, if that makes any sense."
"It does," he says simply, providing you an acknowledgement before letting you fill in the spaces yourself.
You take a deep breath, feeling the air fill your lungs, before letting it out again. "He told me a story from before Jeff went undercover. It was just a dumb story about some night his team went out for burgers after wrapping up a case." Your breaths get shallower, but the tears you are expecting don't come. "Apparently, he made the team go to three different burger spots, because he wanted to bring me back curly fries, and none of the places were selling the kind I like."
You clear your throat to dispel the tightness, and when you look back at him, the car has come to a stop in front of your house.
"That sounds like him," Hotch says, smiling at you as you chuckle to yourself.
You nod, closing your eyes for a beat. "I guess I just wanted to say that, yeah, our lives are sometimes changed inalterably, but...it's not always bad. I met him, I loved him...and then I lost him, but I still wouldn't take back any of it."
His eyes crinkle and he looks out the windshield for a brief second. "Me neither."
It's already late, and you don't want to take up any more of his night, so you bid him goodbye and shut your door after making him promise to actually get some rest.
Your front door shuts behind you, and you hear the sound of his car driving off as you exhale heavily. Your house feels big with you here alone, but for once, you revel in the solitude. Finally, a few days of peace and quiet.
TAGLIST: @citrusiove, @yiiiikesmish, @mdanon027, @alice-w0rld, @beata1108, @bakugocanstompme, @raely-study, @himboelover, @hermionegalathynius, @rousethemouse, @calif0rniadreamin, @tolerateit13, @delusional-13s-blog, @madesavage05, @littlemisskavities, @love13tter, @domithebomi, @guacam011y, @averyhotchner, @silver-studios (message me to be added!)
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wen-kexing-apologist · 6 months
Note
What was the best scene in this OF ep and why was it Sand and Nick attempting to hook up, realizing they don’t like each other like that, having a good laugh and then settling in to cuddle for the night?
BESTIE, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE SO RIGHT ALL THE TIME?!
Hands down, no holds barred, the best scene in this entire episode, and possibly one of my favorites in Only Friends and, dare I say, BL ever was Sand and Nick attempting to hook up, realizing they don't like each other like that, having a good laugh, and then settling in to cuddle for the night.
CAUSE IT'S
SO
FUCKING
QUEER
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Far far too often in shows, BL or otherwise, there really is no attempts at showing different forms of platonic love, especially between men. It's part of what I really loved about New Girl actually was the very loving, comfortable, affectionate, and extremely platonic love between Nick and Schmidt.
Here though, I think there is frequently this perception that if people are friends with the gender they are attracted to, that they will inevitably give in to desire and fall in love or whatever (this is extremely common in hetero relationships to be sure) but that isn't the case, and it doesn't have to be the case, and we really should be showing people that it is a-o-fucking-kay for boys to platonically love each other.
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My best friend and I are extremely queer platonic, and without a doubt the majority of the people that have seen us interact inevitably end up asking if we are dating, had crushes on each other, etc. and it truly can take a significant chunk of time to try to convince them we aren't lying. We cuddle, and kiss eachother on the forehead, and hold hands, and I love them but not romantically, and the same goes for them.
And the same can and should go for Nick and Sand. I love their loser friendship, I love that they were like "hey let's try it", I love that they realized that the care they have for each other was platonic, but that the care exists, and that they cuddled in bed because you can give physical affection to people you love without it being romantic or sexually charged. I love that the awkwardness of kissing your friend lasted like ten seconds and then they were like "yeah, it's cool let's be physically affectionate with one another assured in how we see our friendship"
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And so too, in a show like Only Friends where you have so many hook ups happening, or any show where you have a romance, it can be really interesting and important to show people try to be physically intimate, and to have there be no sexual tension within it so that you can establish with even greater sincerity and believability a romantic pairs' attraction to one another.
With every episode of Only Friends that comes out, I keep thinking about that ask that @absolutebl got about why people were excited for this messy, toxic show when they hated other messy, toxic shows (like TharnType), and how much of that answer revolves around the trust we have for Jojo as a queer man in depicting actual queer male experiences. I will forever be grateful to Jojo and co for giving us this scene, and now I shall sit here and wait patiently to praise whatever show gives me gays all platonically making out with each other in the club.
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(and putting all the rest of that aside, let's be real, these boys have been put through the fucking wringer with their boys of choice and they deserve a little laughter).
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alittlekdramatic · 8 months
Text
Never Going to Leave You
Link to Part 2 | Drama Masterlist | Kpop Masterlist
Boyfriend! Gunwoo x f! Reader, Brother! Woojin, Hurt/Comfort, Angst
Summary - After the incident with Smile at Mr. Choi's house, Gunwoo comforts his girlfriend, who is also his best friend's sister. Reader is scared, but they donate blood together to save him.
Warnings - Contains spoilers for Ep. 6/7! Also has mature themes such as arson, stabbing, violence, death, needles, hospitals, etc.
A/N - This was an anonymous ask! I hope it is what you envisioned and that it brings you a little comfort after those tough scenes. ❤️‍🩹
Word Count - 2.26k (a short prologue is included to set the tone)
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"Please don't cry anymore, Baby."
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“Don’t worry, Y/n. Once I teach you how to drive a stick, I’m sure Grandpa will have no problem letting you borrow his car,” Hyeonju grinned, proudly patting the steering wheel of the Mustang.
As she drove you and Gunwoo back home from dropping his mother off at the orphanage, you gazed out of the window and admired the nice houses in the upscale neighborhood. 
From the back seat, Gunwoo played with your hair and noted, “Y/n can barely drive a normal car.”
“Ya.” Turning your torso around to glare at him, you insisted, “I can drive.” He pretended to be frightened by your angry expression before ultimately cracking, humored by your stubbornness. 
“You just need more practice, Baby,” he chuckled, landing an unexpected kiss on the side of your cheek after you had turned forward again.
“Yeah, whatever,” you mumbled, the corners of your mouth slightly upturned in a lighthearted defeat. 
Nearing the end of the hour long car ride, you resorted to fidgeting with the zipper on your jacket sleeve. Your eyes were trained on the edges of the metal that were a little worse for wear, not looking up until you heard immediate concern in Hyeonju’s voice. 
“Oppa,” she said, trying to get Gunwoo’s attention too. As the car turned the corner, you all saw the smoke rising within the walls of Mr. Choi’s property. 
“What happened?” you interjected breathlessly. “Was Smile here?”
“Stop the car,” Gunwoo urged. 
The engine of the Mustang revved as Hyeonju quickly obeyed, parking outside of the garage. You practically tore your seatbelt off, ready to bolt from the car. But Gunwoo was faster, having already climbed out of the back of the coupe. 
“No, you stay. Stay in the car and call for help,” he pushed you back inside in a panic, prioritizing your safety.
“Wait-” You were going to argue, wanting to come along. But Gunwoo already shut the door and ran after Hyeonju. “Okay,” you exhaled, trying to steady your breath as you fumbled to find your phone. 
Once getting a hold of an emergency operator, you desperately tried to figure out what was going on from where you were. But in the few minutes you had been talking to her, you were barely able to answer any questions other than a dispatch location.
“Are there people in the house?” She asked.
“I don’t know.” You said, sniffling as a terrible feeling washed over you. “My boyfriend went to go look, but hasn’t come back yet. My brother is supposed to be here…”  It occurred to you that he might have been still sleeping off his hangover when the fire started. 
The possibility scared you enough to immediately exit the car and go see for yourself. Although once you made it inside the gate, it was far worse than you could have imagined.
Gunwoo had already carried Woojin out of the flames and was crying over his bloody, seemingly lifeless body. It felt like your world could have ended right then and there if he hadn’t been quick to reassure you as you fell to your knees beside him. 
“He’s alive,” Gunwoo uttered, repeating those words a couple times to reassure himself too.
It was then he realized Hyeonju had not yet come out of the house. You barely heard him calling for her in your trance-like state. Vision blurred by tears, your hands shook as they hovered above Woojin’s form, covered head to toe in so much red. 
“Woojin,” you whispered, pleading for any kind of response.
“Put pressure on the wound. Just hold on.”
Gunwoo replaced his hands with yours before rushing back into the flames, the warm liquid pooling beneath your smaller fingers. 
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please wake up,” you cried, resting his head on your thighs and sweeping hair out of his face. “Please.” Desperately looking over your surroundings, you spotted your phone in the dirt a few feet away. The screen was lit up with the call timer still going, so you figured the operator must have been listening still.
“Please save him,” you hoarsely yelled. Sirens in the distance began to echo your cries, but their slow approach was unbearable. While waiting for what felt like an eternity, Gunwoo burst out of the house with Hyeonju over his shoulder. 
She was already attempting to go back in the second he set her down, but Gunwoo continued to restrain her. His look of defeat, paired with her distress, told you everything you needed to know. You gathered that Mr. Choi was still inside, as there was no way Gunwoo would have left him there if it wasn’t already too late. 
Closing your eyes and holding Woojin closer to you, you forced yourself to accept what Hyeonju clearly couldn’t. Mr. Choi was gone, and your shoulders shuddered as pain racked your body. While you had not known him long, Mr. Choi had deeply impacted your life. His kind soul touched you in a way that you would never forget. 
Not to mention, his death made the reality of Woojin’s condition hit you that much harder. 
“Woojin-ah. You tried to protect him, didn’t you? You must have been so scared. We know you fought hard. But you have to keep fighting, okay?”
~
Once arriving at the hospital, it was challenging for Gunwoo and the team of surgeons to separate you from Woojin. You wanted to hold his hand through everything he was about to go through as he fought for his life. But eventually, they were able to convince you that he needed your help in another way.
Because of Covid-19, there was a blood shortage in the hospital. Being Woojin’s sister, you were a prime candidate for donation to him. And there wasn’t anything in the world that could hold you back from doing your part to keep him alive… not even your fear of needles. 
“Don’t look, Baby. Keep your eyes on me,” Gunwoo soothed you with a calming voice as the nurse began to prep your arm. You were partially laying down while he stroked your hair and did his best to smile, as difficult as it was. 
In the rush of getting an immediate transfusion to Woojin, there wasn’t exactly time to ease you into it. The nurse was kind and understanding, but could only be so patient given the circumstances.
“I’ll begin the withdrawal now,” she said, trying to match Gunwoo’s gentle tone. The pain was minimal when you felt the needle poke through your skin, but you couldn’t help but whimper as you envisioned what was happening. 
"Woo."
“It’s okay, stay still.” Gunwoo pressed your shoulder down to stop your fearful squirming. His heart broke as he watched more tears fall from your eyes, knowing just how hard all of this was for you. “It’ll be over soon, Sweetheart. You’re doing so well.”
During the ten minutes it took to take a pint of blood from you, your boyfriend tried to keep you as relaxed as he could. Gunwoo could tell that you were much less fixated on what was happening to you toward the end of the process, though. As you stared up at the ceiling, he read all of the thoughts behind your contemplative expression.
He knew you were thinking about Woojin and Mr. Choi, and surely about how Smile was going to pay for what they had done. It was an underlying thought that you all had at that point, but he would make sure that you had as little involvement as possible in what came next.
Potentially losing his best friend was hard enough. He didn’t even want to imagine what could happen if Smile ever got their hands on you. 
“Okay, we’re all done.”
The nurse removed the needle and bandaged you before you even noticed. At that point, you realized something as simple as getting your blood drawn would probably never scare you again. Everything would pale in comparison to losing someone you loved. What else was there to be afraid of?
She insisted that you eat and drink the recovery snacks before taking blood from Gunwoo as well, and you attempted to consume them without thinking too much about how your stomach was still churning. 
Once Gunwoo was finished donating, all of the blood collected was rushed off to the operating room. There was nothing to do now but wait as the two of you headed back to the lobby where only a few other people lingered. 
Holding onto Gunwoo’s arm while walking, your feet stalled as you questioned, “Where’s Hyeonju?”
He looked around before politely asking some ladies, “Excuse me. The girl that was here…Do you know where she went?”
“She left a while ago.”
“When was that?”
“About ten minutes ago.”
“Thank you,” he bowed before taking your hand, guiding you to a chair in the corner of the room. “Sit here, okay? Eat these too, if you can. I’ll be right back,” he said, giving his recovery snacks to you before leaving a quick kiss on top of your head and taking off. 
This was the first time you had been alone since the beginning of the ordeal, and the moment to yourself felt incredibly heavy with no one next to you to shoulder the weight.
You couldn’t help breaking down in your seat, back hunched over as you cried into your stained sleeves. Nothing around you mattered. All you could do was feel. The pain, the guilt, it all gnawed away like it was going to eat you alive.
Eventually, you heard Gunwoo’s heavy footsteps approaching and managed to pull yourself together for a minute. You looked up to see that he returned without Hyeonju, to your dismay.
“I couldn’t find her, and she wouldn’t answer my calls” he sighed, unaware of how broken you had become until you suddenly burst into tears again. 
He felt his chest tighten at seeing you that way. Everything seemed to be falling apart around you, and he didn’t know what he could do.
“Please don’t cry anymore, Baby.”
There was an edge to his voice, like his own tears would spill over any second. And you were only able to meet his glassy gaze for a moment before it became too much. His pain was yours, and vice versa.
“I’m sorry, Woo,” You sniffed. “It just hurts. It hurts so much.”
He got down on his knees to console you while you sat, bringing you into the most secure hug he could. He wanted nothing more than for you to feel safe and loved, like everything was going to be okay.
“I know,” he cooed. 
Gunwoo held you like that for a while, allowing you to be vulnerable with him as your emotions coursed through you. With your head tucked into his neck, you couldn’t see the few stray tears running down his cheeks. However, you did feel the tension in his back and the way he tried to control his ragged breathing. 
It made you think back to when you embraced Gunwoo after his mom’s cafe was torn apart. It was the day that all of this started; the day that something inside your boyfriend had changed. 
It wasn’t enough for him to accept Mr. Choi’s gracious gift and move on. You knew that while Gunwoo sincerely wanted to repay that kindness, he also wanted revenge deep down. If you all had walked away instead, maybe none of this would have happened. Mr. Choi might be alive, and Woojin’s life might not be hanging by a thread.
“What if this is our fault?” you cried, tightening your arms around him. “Woojin, and Mr. Choi… If we had done something different, if we were more careful, we wouldn’t have exposed ourselves.”
“Y/n, you can’t do that to yourself. They would never want you to believe this was our fault.”
“I know they wouldn’t, but… What am I going to do if he leaves me?”
Finally, it was all coming to a head. What was done, was done. But now you were forced to consider your life without your brother in it. Whatever that looked like, you didn’t want it. 
“I need him. I can’t do this,” you sobbed. 
“Hey,” Gunwoo gently pulled back and took your face into his hands. He wiped beneath your eyes with his thumbs, though his were equally red and puffy. “The nurse promised me they would save him. Woojin isn’t going to leave you. Not ever. He and I are always going to be right here.”
As his warm hands cradled your cheeks, you took solace in knowing that you weren’t going through this alone. You hoped Woojin knew that he wasn’t alone either, wishing you could somehow take his place. Anything to spare him the agony.
“He’s protected me my whole life.” You arrived at the conclusion, “But I can’t protect him.”
“I will,” Gunwoo assured you. “I’ll protect him. From now on, things will be different.” He wrapped his arms around you again, ignoring the dull ache in his knees as they pressed into the linoleum floor. “And I swear, one day, I’ll take Kim Myeong-gil down.”
He felt you ball his shirt into your fists, but let you work through your anger toward Smile without saying anything. He didn’t need to tell you that you would not get to take part in Myeong-gil’s downfall. You knew. But still, that didn’t change the fact that you wanted to put every one of the organization’s members through hell. 
‘One day’ couldn’t come soon enough.
Next Chapter >
Thanks for reading! Do not repost.
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avelera · 6 months
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OFMD S2 Meta - Stede's Garbage Self-Worth with regards to Ed is still unresolved
(And I'm so hyped for this plotline)
H'ok! So of all the scenes in episodes 1-3 of OFMD S2, this is the one I've been most hyped to discuss but I've been putting it off a few days so people had at least a little time to watch the new eps.
Gifs are courtesy of @ratchet from this gifset:
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Hoooo BOY this is such an interesting scene to unpack! Because to me there's at least 3 levels going on here.
What Lucius hears
What the audience "hears"
What Stede literally said
Thing is, I believe when Stede says, "I'm not ready to believe that," the tone that Lucius hears and that the audience is at least 50/50 expected to hear based on the sort of cadence of the scene is, "I'm not ready to believe that Ed's best days are behind him. I'm going to change that."
But I'm not convinced that's what Stede is saying, what Rhys Darby is portraying, or what is literally on the page.
Literally, on the page, Stede says he's not ready to believe that. And given that Stede is very neurodivergent coded, Rhys is self-confessed autistic, and I believe Rhys is bringing that to his portrayal of Stede, I think we really should look at literal words as written and not just run with they're implied to say. This could be read as a declaration that Stede refuses to accept a reality where Ed's best days are behind him or the literal reading: he still can't process that Ed Teach's time with Stede Bonnet was the best Ed's life is ever going to get.
I believe this is for multiple reasons:
Stede isn't going to throw off a lifetime of low self-esteem and bullying overnight just because he's realized he's in love. Especially when the manner of realizing it (end of S1) was hurting the person he loves pretty badly by abandoning him without a word. He's determined to fix his mistakes but each step of the journey is revealing just how big of a mistake it actually was. Not exactly the stuff of sudden self-confidence and positive self-image change.
It requires a full re-write in Stede's brain of every single assumption he had about his relationship with Ed before their separation. Stede in S1, to my eyes, very much saw himself as the junior partner in the relationship. He saw Ed as taking pity on him, to some extent. He felt blessed to have Ed there. It informed so much of their relationship and it especially informed him taking off when he thought his presence was an active burden on Ed. Basically, what Lucius is saying here attacks the very foundations of Stede's understanding of the happiest part of his life so far. To learn that Ed wasn't just the happiest part of his life, but that he, Stede Bonnet, was the happiest part of Ed's life? Whew. Fuck. Not good. Very not good.
Because it's really not good if he was the happiest part of Ed's life, that he so fundamentally misunderstood their dynamic because of his low self-esteem, that he ended the happiest period of Ed's life without warning, without a note, prematurely, and left Ed with the inescapable conclusion that Stede doesn't care about him.
I think worse, even worse, is that Stede has evidence that Lucius is right that he was the best part of Ed's life. But in S1, we're heavily in Stede's POV and Stede's POV of himself is that he's a joke, pathetic, garbage, lucky to have someone like Ed in his life. But Ed's literal actions, louder than words, are that he chose Stede. He gave up piracy for him. He stayed by him. He offered his life for Stede's. Stede wasn't ready to hear that then, he couldn't hear it over the sound of his own low self-esteem whispering poison in his ear, externalized by the Badmintons (both real and imagined). He took their words as fact, rather than Ed's actions as fact. Reexamining Ed's actions shows just how wrong they were. Just how wrong Stede was. And just how badly he hurt Ed because he didn't listen to Ed, the person he loves, over the voices of his own trauma, self-doubt, or of the Badmintons, people who literally hated Stede.
It's a lot. It's a lot for Stede to take in. He's not there yet. But I love that we've had it said aloud: this is a major plot point still. Stede's end-of-S1 glow-up didn't signal that he's self-confident now enough to realize he might be as good for Ed as Ed is for him. He's still grappling with that. It shatters him to even begin to realize this. They have to work through that still. Stede is ready to start listening but he still doesn't, can't literally can't, believe it just yet. It's just too big.
And I am absolutely salivating to see how the rest of the season deals with this thread.
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trutrustories · 5 months
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STUDY IN LOKI ROMANCE
Part 2: Breaking Brad
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Since we're only a few days away from the last episode, I decided to COUNT DOWN everything we´ve got so far ( that can be interpreted very easily as romantic ) and discuss what the actual fuck is going on with second season. Because even though I shipped lokius practically from S1E2, I absolutely did NOT expect this kind of development. (Not that I´m complaining)
Warning: This is gonna be LONG post, lots of screenshots, lots of SPOILERS, lot of "oh-my-god-they-so-cute" language, and little bit of meta.
I originally thought that this post would be everything at once, but since I have just too many screenshots this time around, I´ll have to split it. so every post will be one episode. Color coding means:
IIIIIIIIII = anything, that coud potentialy be just acting choice.
IIIIIIIIII = everything else (tzn.: whatever was written, and/or carefully prepared by filmmakers. )
side note: I already wrote, about how amazing it is, that Mobius is unable to fight but fights anyway and how beautifuly, and ridiculously brave he is HERE. But this is about Loki/Mobius interactions, so I´ll try my best not to talk about THAT. (Even when I´m really happy, that s2 continues with this formula and Mobius is still his completely defenseless while aggressively brave self. I love him, btw.)
EPISODE 1 HERE
Okay, Check-list, ep 2:
11) matching suits part 1 THIS ⬇️ costume department did a great job and they look badass together also, they´re walking very close to each other.
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12) Loki defending /saving Mobius from Brad (with magic!) also, Mobius, dear, (my beloved) you were really going for it! Always so ready to fight! I can´t xD
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Loki "don´t u dare hurt him" Laufeyson, look at his face!
13) Mobius and Loki struggling to assemble IKEA furniture- sorry Tapmad together
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14) " And he knows..." I mean yeah, sure. keep remind us, that Mobius knows everything about Loki, and saw him at his worst, so we can appreciate even more the fact, that Mobius likes him and cares for him so damn much 💚🤎
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15) Loki finding Mobius´s joke amusing Mobius: cracking joke right after Loki´s threatening speech:
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Loki:
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16) Loki being very concerned for Mobius after his outburst, saying that It´s okay, and then suggests having pie because he knows Mobius so well and is avare of the fact, that his man is stress eater I´m gonna cry they´re too pure for MCU someone adopt them
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17) Bickering like married couple (part 2) 18) The whole freaking pie scene!
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Just them, sharing calm, intimate moment together
Mobius opening up to Loki, and admiting he "lost it"
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Loki trying to make him feel better and absolutely KILLING IT! btw, I know, that some people think, this scene doesn´t make sense, because Loki didn´t "lost it" during avengers, but was controlled by mind stone, etc.... well I think that it actually doesn´t matter. Guess what else doesn´t make sense? For example the fact, that they already talked about Loki fighting Avengers ( during their first meeting.) Loki is aware, that Mobius saw New York invasion at least twice now, and he´s telling him anyway. I would say, that point here is Loki trying to lift Mobius´s spirit, entertain him, make him smile. Why else woud he start his monolog by "remember, when...?" And I think, that this is huge, actually: Loki, using his bad memory, defeat, his humulianting experience to make Mobius feel better. So not only, that we see, he no longer care about being rurel but we see him making lightly fun of it FOR MOBIUS´S SAKE! He has different priorities now... our immortal god is a grown man now... it´s just so fucking beautiful... 🥺
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Also Mobius saying to Loki: "come on, you´re the God of Mischief" Like it´s a best thing in the world, and Loki gives him THIS LOOK! (I mean that head tilt would be considered "acting" category, but I´m already making concessions by including all these things under one number :D
19) Loki and Mobius: mischievous duo
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Mobius trusts him so completly!
They both such a drama queens!
And they works so well together!
like... seriously, Brad didn´t see this coming, AT ALL! xD
also... Loki complimenting his plan?!
20) "They say opposites attract. NO." Mobius´s wishfull thinking xD (But hey, it IS true. Opposites attracts. And works greatly together. That´s the only reason, why, for example, trope like grumpy one/sunshine one is so popular!) I can´t! just look at his face 🤣 Oh honey! just calm down
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He is sooooooo NOT chill here xD bless him
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21) Loki, not following Sylvie, but actually staying with Mobius and comforting him. AGAIN. (which is an absolutely glaring contrast compared to episode 2 in first season!)
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biconickyoshi · 1 month
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Okay y’all… I was very critical of eps 3 & 4 (especially 4) of NAtLA. Then all of a sudden eps 5 & 6 kinda slapped me in the face with how much better the show suddenly got.
Spoiler-free thoughts first:
Zuko, Iroh, and Aang have cemented themselves as the best parts about this adaptation - which is really funny considering I’m currently writing a longfic AU where Zuko and Iroh discover Aang in the iceberg right after Zuko is banished at age 13 and end up becoming the first members of the Gaang (albeit reluctantly at first lol). Episode 6: “Masks” (the Blue Spirit adaptation) was so good, I’d venture to say that it actually improved and fleshed out some things from the original series.
Episode 5: “Spirited Away”, while not as good as E6, was not as bad as I heard people say it was going to be. I think that the changes they did make didn’t bother me nearly as much as the changes they made in the last episode, and it was actually entertaining.
There were several scenes that made me cry in both of these episodes (moreso in episode 6, which I’ll get into further down in the spoiler section). These are the scenes that I feel like really tapped into the heart of the original show rather than feeling like a soulless remake.
Now for my in-depth thoughts (INCLUDES SPOILERS):
EP 5: “Spirited Away”
- Staring out, I was bummed because I had just rewatched the first two eps of the original animated series lol.
- It was an interesting choice to have all three members of the Gaang get stuck in the Spirit World, but I think it worked.
- Wan Shi Tong just showing up randomly was a bit unnecessary, but I suppose it will be kinda interesting to see him again in S2 since he’s already met the Gaang
- Hei Bai plays a much smaller role in these eps, but I strangely didn’t mind that either?
- Seeing Katara’s last memory with her mom was devastating, especially the fact that she had to witness her death and hide in the igloo with Kya’s charred body :(( she definitely has severe PTSD.
- Even Sokka’s memory made me tear up a bit
- Koh being the villain and a soul-eater or whatever was a bit of an odd choice, but I guess I can see why they did it. I do prefer him just being an asshole who steals ppl’s faces lol
- Appreciated the Fog of Lost Souls reference from the LoK lore
- Aang reuniting with Gyatso made me cry. I know some people didn’t like him being in the Spirit World, but I really liked it. Also, the fact that Gyatso was the first person to tell Aang that it wasn’t his fault the Air Nomads died, and that if he had been there he would have died too? THANK YOU! My poor boy has been berated enough for “abandoning” the world.
- We got some interesting lore about the afterlife for humans from Gyatso and Aang’s convo, which we’ve never gotten in AtLA media before. Idk if it’s just for Air Nomads, but Aang mentions that Gyatso stayed behind instead of “seeking enlightenment”. I know that the end goal in Buddhism is to reincarnate until you eventually achieve nirvana, so I wonder if that’s what they were alluding to (I’m not an expert on religions so pls correct me if I’m wrong)
- Oh yeah, I forgot June is here lmao. As a queer person I loved her (bc beautiful goth woman) but I didn’t like the weird choice to make her hit on Iroh - I guess to contrast the Iroh being creepy towards her thing in the OG series. I wish they would have just had them interact normally tbh, no weird “flirting”
EP 6: “Masks”
- Here we go y’all. The best episode in the show so far and probably the best the show is gonna get this season. I’m still pretty shocked at how good this one was.
- I think the decision to include flashbacks to Zuko’s Agni Kai was a good decision here. It felt like an appropriate episode for them and the flashbacks were very well done.
- In general, Dallas is doing a phenomenal job at portraying a Zuko who is angry and aggressive, yes, but also so very sweet and compassionate at his core. I love when little inklings of his true self shine through.
- Roku was… not what I expected. He was very much more of a lighthearted and jokey person… I didn’t hate it, it was just unexpected lol. I wonder if they did that to contrast him with Kyoshi. Which, speaking of, I’m glad Roku clarified that Aang doesn’t just need to be a merciless warrior (and that he didn’t berate Aang for “abandoning” the world like she did). But I still am annoyed about the mischaracterization of Kyoshi in general.
- RIP Shyu :/
- Thought it was kind of strange how June captures Aang at Roku’s temple lol. Like how did she get on and off the island??
- Zhao continues to feel like a completely different character to me lmao. I think this version is pretty funny, but it’s so weird to see Zhao being portrayed as so goofy and incompetent when he was such an intimidating force and the main villain of Book 1 in the OG series. Just a weird direction they went with his character.
- The Yuyan archers look cool as fuck. 10/10 no notes
- Still not sure how I feel about Azula already being this insecure and jealous of Zuko. I think it makes her feel a bit more realistically like a child, but the whole point of Azula’s character is that she is really good at maintaining this cool and calm persona on the surface, which she uses to scare and manipulate people. I can see her maybe getting to a point later on to where she hardens herself into that though. We’ll see.
- Baby Zuko asking Iroh how he looks and his little smile 😭😭😭😭 I had a physical “aww” reaction to that. THAT’S MY SON (me and Iroh shouting in unison)
- War Room scene was handled very well. No complaints. I like how Ozai tried to test Zuko with battle strategies.
- Blue Spirit break out scene was extremely close to the original, and it was really good. They adapted it almost shot for shot with all the important parts.
- Here’s probably my favorite part of the episode: Zuko and Aang’s talk inside the abandoned house after they escape from Pohuai!!!!!! Gahhhh I could gush about this scene all day. I love how they expanded it to be an actual friendly conversation between Aang and Zuko. Like we get to see Zuko’s true self coming through - the sweet, kind boy we know he is. Zuko and Aang just have such great chemistry as well, wayyy more than Aang has with either Sokka or Katara. Like I adored them bonding over painting and caligraphy!!! I think this is the best acting we’ve seen from Gordon so far, and Dallas did a phenomenal job switching back to that hurt, angry version of himself (of course a trauma response). And the fact that Aang said “sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you” when he blocked Zuko’s firebending attack??? My sweet boy 😭
- The final flashback to the Agni Kai was really well done too. I’d already heard Zuko fights back, which I wasn’t sure I’d like, but I actually didn’t mind it. I really liked that they showed Zuko’s hesitation whenever he did actually have an opening, and that was what angered Ozai the most - Zuko showing compassion, “weakness”. Daniel Dae Kim is of course doing a phenomenal job (no surprises there), and I really liked that Iroh actually attempted to stop Ozai at one point. It also looked like young Azula had tears in her eyes, which I again actually liked because it humanizes her.
- I loved that Aang was still there when Zuko woke up on the boat 😭 he wanted to make sure he was okay!! I full on started crying when we got the “do you think we could have been friends too?” lines from him. Again, Gordon killed it. I love how you can tell that Aang knows Zuko has been hurt and that’s why he acts the way he does. He doesn’t blame him for any of it. 10/10
- the last flashback to Zuko in his bed recovering from the burn… god the tears just kept flowing. I really liked the choice to have Ozai almost give Zuko a chance to like… idk understand why he did what he did, and how compassion is “weak”?? And then Zuko’s response to give people a chance 😭😭😭 as if I couldn’t love him any more!!! And then of course Ozai gets pissed. But seeing baby Zuko just cry in his bed UGH I’m dehydrated at this point
- Of course I can’t finish this review without mentioning the 41st division. What an incredible way to expand upon the source material by making them Zuko’s crew!!! It shows just how much Zuko truly cares about others and it moved me so much (once again to tears).
I don’t have high hopes for the last two episodes, but honestly, if this is what the live action can be, it gives me a bit of hope (at least for future seasons). I really think that Dallas, Gordon, Paul, and Daniel were the stars of this ep and are a big part of what made it so good.
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loveyourownsmiilee · 1 year
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Talking Buddie Language: Ep 6.13
Buddie nation how are we doing?!?! This episode really blew me and my expectations away. I loved it so much and I really think this was such a statement episode. They made a bold statement with their choices in both Buck and Eddie’s development and storylines going further, especially with Christopher. It was a fun and light episode to combat the previous few that have been on the darker side. I think this is my favorite episode to analyze thus far! So I’m just gonna get right into it.
Buck Can Do Math?
Before getting into the whole math aspect, I just want to say how good it was to see Buck and Eddie back to being partners and in sync once again. They walked in together. They moved so seamlessly at the same time, and it felt like no time has passed since the last time they worked together before Buck’s injury
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I love how one of the running jokes throughout the show has been that Buck cannot do math. Eddie told him point blank back in 3.04 “You don’t know math.” So to actually see him do math so seamlessly in his head really made me happy to see!
B: How much did she drink?…So that’s a 100 mg. A woman her size should be having 14 mg. So she’s taken 7.13 more times than the daily allowance.
C: Did he just do math? In his head?
E: I think so.
B: Uh, was uh, was I right?
H: You are.
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I love seeing his teams' reactions to him doing quick math in his head because everyone is confused about his new capabilities, including himself. One thing I would like to note is Eddie’s little confused moment because he knows Buck the best out of everyone there. So even he’s confused as to this new revelation that he didn’t know existed.
Chimney with Denny // Buck with Christopher
The reason I am including this specific part is because there was a deliberate choice to include a scene in which we have Chimney talking to his best friend's child about their fathers. It's interesting to see how Chim is literally just like any other uncle figure talking to someone he can consider to be a nephew of some sort. It was not paternal in any way because they had a talk about how complicated Chim's relationship was with his father. Denny connected to what Chim had to say but the difference in their interaction versus every interaction we have gotten with Buck and Christopher is massive. And it was conveniently just before we got that wholesome Buckley Diaz family scene too to really bring forth the differences between their relationships.
Buckley Diaz Family Does Math Together
I am still screaming and crying happy tears over this wholesome family moment. This season, the writers are really putting in the effort to solidify the three of them as a family unit of their own. They are sitting once again in Buck's kitchen doing the most mundane family task, which is snacking and helping their kid with their homework while they chat. It is such a difference to how Chim and Denny's interaction went a few moments before this scene.
I love Christopher testing out Buck's new skills while Buck happily indulges him. He seems so happy to inform his father that his Buck now knows everything, to which Buck quickly assures that it's not everything, just math. Eddie's fond little "yeah, yeah" is so typical in other shows and movies where one parent is getting all the cool points from their child and the other has to make peace with it. No heat there, just Eddie being his usual self when he's around his boys.
I love how while Buck and Chris were having their little fun, Eddie pulled a Buck and was the one researching Buck's new abilities. A lot of time, when two people are together for a while, whether it is romantically or platonically, they start adapting the other's little habits and tells. In this instance, Eddie had adopted Buck's knack for researching and he is relaying his findings to his boys in typical Buck fashion.
The conversation about math is something I really found interesting and I have rewatched it multiple times already to uncover that there may be an underlying meaning here that isn't just about math. When Buck tells Eddie that it turns out that he "loves math," Eddie goes on to relay his findings on lightning survivors and newfound cognitive abilities they had.
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E: According to this, you can get new cognitive abilities after a serious injury to the central nervous system.
B: Which I uh, definitely had.
E: Hmm, but some doctors are saying it's not a real thing.
B: Uh, you think I've secretly known the square root of 162 all these years and just been holding out? No c'mon, it has to be the lightning.
E: Fair point.
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This conversation really reminds me of the one Eddie and Ana had in 3.12 about the horses.
A: There's a lot to be said for getting back on the horse but there's also some value in learning that you don't like horses.
Now just follow me for a second. If you fall off a horse and decide to get back on it to give it another shot, that can be ok. But if you decide that maybe horses aren't your thing, then it's also ok to just never get on one again. In this instance, if Eddie dated women and it didnt go anywhere, it's ok for him to try again. But it is also alright if he decided that dating women isn't what he wants and moves on to dating people he does want.
The same goes for the math of it all. Buck states that he likes math now, but he didn't used to like math before. And when Eddie calls him out, he is quick to explain that he didn't know math until after the lightning hit him. So let's say that Buck has only dated women his entire life. Maybe he is now realizing that he can be into other's that he had never considered before. Maybe this is his way of realizing that he has other options in front of him that he didnt think he did before. It makes sense if you also consider Buck trying to reach out to each woman he's ever been with to see if his performance was alright later on in the episode. Because maybe now he doesn't want to focus on women, maybe he wants to focus on a man instead.
Before diving into more of their body language, I want to talk about a concept we learned in one of my behavioral analysis classes. Mirroring is typically when two partners have such a chemical connection that they’re so in sync with everything that they do. Such things can be finishing each others sentences, or knowing what the other is thinking, even walking, talking and behaving in very similar ways. Mirroring is usually found to be the case with people who are in long term romantic partnerships because it takes a lot of emotional understanding to achieve it. This is important because mirroring happens a lot with Buck and Eddie even though they’re not in a romantic relationship. It’s the fact that they are so deeply connected on an emotional level that allows them to mirror each other in different ways.
One form of mirroring is body chemistry as well. Take into consideration Eddie's body position throughout the entire family scene. Our bodies tend to immediately shift towards the direction of our other halves because they’re like magnets seeking each other out. When you are attracted to someone, your body senses it and craves to be close to it at all times. That's why when you love someone, your body is always turned towards them. It's not even something people are conscious about because our bodies tend to have a mind of their own at times, especially when it comes to chemistry. It’s something that is very prevalent in Buck and Eddie’s relationship because they always seem to turn towards the other at all times.
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Eddie's entire body is turned towards Buck to the point where he kind of has his back towards his son. It’s also very open because he feels safe with Buck. He isn’t closed off or protecting himself. No, he’s just basically openly surrendering his body to Buck because he knows he will keep it safe at all times. Compare this moment to the one in Eddie’s own kitchen when he was breaking up with Ana. He had his arms folded in front of him, closing himself off to her. Such a massive difference between the two of them and the two of these idiots.
When Buck mentions liking the idea that he’s the guy who has the answers, he immediately looks at Eddie and then Christopher as if they’re the answers he’s been searching for all season long. Which if you think about it, they are the two people that make him the happiest and the most at ease. It’s ironic that Eddie is turned away from Buck when he says that so he completely misses the lovesick look on Buck’s face as he says it. Now this, in my opinion, directly foreshadows Buck realizing his feelings for Eddie soon. Just how he was venting to Eddie and Christopher in 6.01 about how the perfect options for interim captain were right under Bobby’s nose, well the perfect partner and kid are in front of Buck’s now. This moment indicates that Buck will come to find soon that the partner for him has been the one by his side for years now. That framing and the way his eyes are sparking tell it all.
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Husband's Who Con Together, Stay Together
I am so so here for Buck and Eddie putting Buck's newly found abilities to the test and gaining something out of it. I thought it was hilarious how Eddie was the mastermind behind Buck conning their teammates out of their money by doing some math equations. This shows once again how close these two really are because they're counting their money together and in the end it is just that, their money. Because they're a team and whatever they win, they share. You can tell by the way Eddie takes the bills out of Buck's hands, counts it then hands them back to him. It's nice to see them attached at the hip once again considering how most of 6a they were often paired off with others.
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We see another example of a mirroring when they are walking side-by-side with the same steps. Seeing them walking together and laughing together is so nice and it really shows us how when compared to their interactions with their other team members it is so different to what they have together. We watched Buck and Hen be close for most of 6a, they got drunk together and went out with Denny together. But when you compare their scenes and their friendship to the one Buck has with Eddie and Christopher, it is once again vastly different. Which is why it was so pertinent to have them establish those other bonds with the other members of the 118, so that when we saw them close again, we would be seeing how different their relationship is than with others'.
The Winner Takes All The Steaks
The Poker Scene™️ will forever go down in Buddie history as one of their most iconic moments ever. There is so much that happened in the span of a few minutes that I truly feel like I hallucinated this entire episode because of it.
I don’t know how Eddie convinced Buck that he should dress to impress, but he surely succeeded. They were both dressed the nicest we have ever seen them. I love how when it comes to these two, there’s such an unconditional trust formed between them that they don’t have to question each other. Buck simply put on his best suit, his nicest watch and went along simply because Eddie asked him to.
The fact that they were wearing red and blue makes me absolutely feral!! I’ve talked about the significance of the red and blue theory when it comes to couples so I’m just going to link it right here if anyone is interested. But the costume department surely made a choice putting these two in red and blue when they were on their own outside of work, doing something fun. Especially in an episode where all the other couples were off on their own doing coupley stuff together.
The LAFD poker game was so fun to watch especially knowing what Buck is coming back from. I love the idea that Eddie would have made these plans to bring Buck to this poker game to not only test out his new cognitive abilities, but so that he can have some fun. Eddie, more than anyone else, knows how Buck really feels about his recent brush with death. So him bringing Buck to this game, dressed to the nines can either be because he wanted to test out Buck's abilities or simply because he wanted Buck to enjoy himself. Either way, I love how much Eddie cares about Buck and his happiness and well-being.
I want to discuss a couple different moments and how they are with each other. When they first enter and Buck sees Captain Mehta and Chief Williams, he is clearly shocked because whatever he was anticipating was definitely not a poker game with other LAFD members. When Chief says, "Let's see if he survives tonight," I think it's important to note how Buck seems weary of his place at the table and he immediately diverts his attention to his safe person, Eddie. Eddie is simply smiling at him in reassurance and even does his little turtle face in a way to tell Buck, you got this, I believe in you, which then immediately causes Buck to smile. See, they have that effect on each other. A simple look and a soft smile that is reserved for each other is enough to make the other feel safe and loved.
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The discussion about Buck's brush with death was clearly making Buck uncomfortable and it goes to show that just because he is back at work, doesn't mean he is magically over it. Him not being able to joke with the Chief and Mehta, when he was openly joking with Eddie and Chris at his loft indicates the lack of trust he has with them. He knows the Diaz boys and trusts them unconditionally. They're his safe space, his people and he can feel comfortable joking with them because he has also been honest with Eddie about his real feelings. It feels out of place to partake in the casual conversation of his death with people he barely knows. But Eddie, his person and support system is quick to correct Chiefl Williams when she mentions Buck being dead for 3 minutes.
W: So 3 minutes huh?
B: Uh what's that?
W: That's how long you were dead.
E: 3 minutes and 17 seconds.
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Eddie does not want anyone to diminish the 17 seconds Buck was dead for because he had to live in a world without Buck for 3 minutes and 17 seconds. Like I mentioned in my last episode's meta, Eddie is clearly not over this traumatic event. The way his voice was so broken when he told Buck he died in 6.12 indicates that he is not fully over it himself. And one can't blame him because he lost his partner and co-parent for that amount of time. He grieved Buck like he would a spouse or longtime partner. So for Eddie, diminishing Buck's death to only 3 minutes does not do his grief any justice because he was gone for an addition 17 seconds that Eddie will not be forgetting about for a long time. It's also interesting to focus on Buck’s facial expression when Eddie looks at him and says that because he seems kind of stunned. Almost as if he had no idea that is how long he was gone for or that Eddie knew it down to the very second.
Eddie's heated looks throughout that entire scene were something completely out of this world. I mean they're his typical fond heart eyes, but there was a clear underlying layer of lust and attraction in his looks. He was looking at Buck proudly but also like his new math skills were doing things to Eddie.
I’m sure it was so wonderful to see Buck so confident and smug while he kept winning hand after hand. Once Eddie stopped playing, he comfortably stood behind Buck and supported him while he won. On one occasion, after Buck won a round, the camera pans to Eddie and he’s completely flustered. He’s smiling and ducks his head in a cute shy way one does when they’re flustered by a crush. Eddie isn’t fooling anyone. We all know what he is and at this point I don’t even think he’s trying to hide it.
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Then we have the end of all the rounds where Buck has won big. When Chief asks him what he wants as his prize, I love that his immediate thought is to look at Eddie, his partner, before making a decision. This was such a bold and deliberate choice in having him do this because it signifies that these two are partners both on and off the field. Eddie was already looking at Buck before he turns around to him. You can see the actual change in Eddie’s facial expression the moment they make eye contact. His eyes are sparkling and his smile widens to his special Buck smile. It’s complete and pure love that’s translated on Eddie’s face. Simple as that. That’s a man in love and there’s no other explanation for that. Now whether his heart knows it and his mind still needs time to catch up, or he’s fully aware, we don’t know yet. But the eyes, they never ever lie and you can see the love shining from Eddie’s eyes.
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All of this to win some steaks? Yeah you heard that. Eddie and his little puns weren’t lying when he said this was low steaks haha. I love how Buck is exasperated but Eddie is smug standing next to him. He even diverts to his usual love language of teasing when he tells the Chief Buck’s humor wasn’t affected by the lightning. Once again, their shared looks are so heated especially when Eddie’s looking at Buck when he’s not looking back. The Chief telling Eddie to leave his human calculator at the firehouse was hilarious because it was his idea to even bring Buck down to play poker and smoke everyone there. But Eddie’s a possessive and smug bastard so he got what he initially wanted and that was for his Buck to let loose and enjoy himself while he enjoyed watching him enjoy himself lol. I got to say, Eddie looking at Buck like this when he’s not looking back is making me feral. There’s heat there and he’s so smitten with Buck that it really shouldn’t be a secret to anyone who’s in their close vicinity. So if only Buck were to just turn around and really open his eyes, he’d have more answers to the questions he’s been looking for.
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Jealous Eddie Makes a Return
I really don’t understand why Buck and Eddie were the only two that accompanied Hen with the call to the couple found in a compromising position but I’m not complaining. It was hilarious in my opinion and it brought with it a return of jealous Eddie!! Once again you see mirroring come to play when they are listening to the husband try to explain what happened during their sexy night. The way both their hands go up at the same time and how they tilt their heads clearly shows they are so in sync with one another.
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When the husband brings up the statistics he read about how 80% of partners are not satisfied, we have Buck immediately use his newfound abilities to calculate all the women he has slept with. I love how Eddie immediately cuts him off. You can tell he did not want to hear about Buck's previous partners because he was exasperated but not in his usual fond way. The way he looks back at Hen and shakes his head is very much, "Can you believe he was about to talk about that in front of me?" Oh Eddie baby, that is not how best friends react when their best friend talks about previous partners. Nothing about Buck and Eddie is platonic as we all know and I love every time jealous Eddie makes a return because there is no other explanation that the fact that he is in love with Buck.
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Buck and Christopher Bake Cookies
It is very important that the show tries to distinguish Buck and Christopher’s relationship separate to that of Eddie's if they want to audience to believe Buck can be the perfect partner to Eddie in all ways. We haven't gotten a Buck and Chris scene together in such a long time so it was nice to see them together without Eddie. And they weren't just doing anything. No they were doing such a domestic thing which was Buck making them dinner and then planning on baking cookies for Christopher's class. That is such a parental thing to do and I love that the show is trying to really highlight the difference in their relationship with each other verses what we saw earlier with Chimney and Denny.
B: So when I cook, I like to measure out all the ingredients. It uh makes me feel like an actual chef.
C: That makes me your sous chef.
B: Yes it does.
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Now something about the wording of this really stands out to me. Sure they are talking about baking but like they also may be implying something else at the same time. @ktinastrikesback had a very good point and I have to agree with her. It almost sounds like if you were to take out the words chef, it can be Buck implying that sometimes he feels like an actual dad, and that makes Christopher like his son. That analogy fits in this scenario so I am sticking with it.
I also mentioned in another post how this scene with just the two of this is very important for the general audience so that they can start understanding the importance of Buck in not only Eddie’s life but Christopher’s as well. The way they tease each other and how Buck looks at Christopher so proudly and with so much unbridled love really does seem like a father and son to me. And now the whole storyline of the sperm donation makes sense because they’re going to try to distinguish the fact that biology does not make someone a parent as we saw with Denny and his biological father as well. Buck is just as much Christopher’s dad as Eddie even though he’s not biologically related to him. So I can’t wait to see how the rest of the season unfolds but I do believe this is where it is heading. To Buck becoming more intertwined with the Diaz family and eventually becoming a romantic partner to Eddie and another parent to Christopher.
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Once again thank you to everyone who took the time to read this. I really think we’re on the way to Buddie going canon and I for one am very excited to see how the rest of the season plays out. We’re so close friends! If you’d like to be tagged when I post these weekly metas, please let me know here!
Thank you to the lovely @aa-lionheart for all the beautiful gifs 💜
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hausofmamadas · 2 months
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SE LA ARRANCA A MORDIDAS | mystery of Amado's anonymous lady-hustlers, solved
Holy father who art in heaven, do I have some fucking cracked ass head-canon nonsense for us to👏🏽 day👏🏽 …………….. let’s get to it shall we??
so idk if anyone anyone being the largely nonexistent narcos fandom aka the void Im speaking into remembers that one scene from Narcos in S3 where sleazy!OG!Amado told that one story about those sex workers who robbed him blind, mid-mamadita?
anyone ..... no?
dwdwdw that's okay bc I brought some visual aids to assist in our collective remembrance of this glorious occasion
The scene starts like this: 👇
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Okay, yeah, right? legendary? legendary. just truly legendary behavior skfjskj on all fronts. but the identities of these social justice warriors— no wait activists— no wait, crusad— er no, patriarchy demolishers? iconic crimies with a penchant for for mid-fellatic felonies like armed robbery have been completely anonymous thus far.
…………… until now.
Bc as always, Narcoverse papis Doug Miro, Andrés Baiz, and Carlo Bernard, never fail to fill in the blanks except when they do cause Griselda left a lot to be desired and this is arguably the best ep of the show which, yeah. it’s never ideal when the best ep of a 6ep limited series is the 2nd one si me entiendes😬😬😬 but we digress because im 99.99999999999999% sure if these two sex workers from Griselda aren’t also the two legends who hustled Amado’s dick money out his pants pockets without having to fire so much as a single shot, I’m fairly certain they’re at least inspired by and carrying the torch aka bottling and distilling that Big Dick Energy to perfection of those brave women.
What gave me this idea? So glad you asked dear reader you didn’t but we’ll just pretend you did cause this my haus KEKW…. No like even I rolled my eyes at my own self for that but i couldn’t refrain either.
It all happened when I was nursing my new obsession with a one, Mr. Darío Sepúlveda a name I would most certainly believe to be fucking fake were he not an irl human bean.
👇👇 THIS slice of sweet, cherry pie right tf here
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And I stumbled upon this one specific part, where the look on this chick’s face is SO FUCKINGKDHDHDGWVE SIMILAR to Amado’s face, when he’s explaining 👇👇👇👇👇👇👇how the burgling commences when the gurgling is interrupted by with an uncomfortable silence, as this chick proceeds to, hog still in mouth, cease any and all throat activity and fuckingskdfjskl just stare. up. at. him.
all 🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️
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Like tell me homegirl’s face here👇👇 👇👇 doesn’t look just like it????????????
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YOU CANTSJSHSJSHWUS YOU cANT. EVIDENCE IS IRREFUTABLE.
Anyway. Movingright along.
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So, if aforementioned homegirl is the 🙇🏻‍♀️ from la historia del grande señor de los cielos, then that makes this ☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️ ... homegirl’s accomplice
with the👇👇sidearm
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and like the general only slightly subtle "I eat dicks like urs for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a midnight snack" vibes that this duo is serving throughout but esp below bc never will I ever not refer to a fuckboy as mancito from now until I'm in my grave alsdkjfa like MANCITO. THE WAY SHE SAYS IT WITH SUCH ALSKDJFKS CONTEMPT, CAN YOU STAND IT????? makes it so clear in my mind's eye how they could 100000000000%% be the unnamed heroes thieves from Amado's little story
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also full 180 just on the low but can we all moment of silence for this 👇👇 FUCKINGSDLDFJ LOOK ON DARIO'S FACE WHEN SHE CORRECTS HIM, "quien te dijo eso? ... un mancito?" LIKE HE FUCKIGNSLDFKJSLKJ KNOWS, HE KNOWS HE HAS ERRED ON THIS PATH, HE KNOWS HE CANNOT PASS GO, CANNOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS AND HE HAS THE GOOD SENSE TO BE GRACIOUS ABOUT IT AND IMAS;DFLIJA;LWEJF;KAJWE;FAKJ; SFUCKINGS DFKLJSLDF JA;K CRYING, SCREAMING, THROWING UP, INCONSOLABLE. LIKE LOOK. AT THIS. OKAY, THAT A MAN, NO MANCITO
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*smacks own face, jiggles head back and forth, takes deep breath* anyway.... back to the story
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and this is where this prob super unhinged really solidifies bc let's join hands class and pledge alliegance to the most impressive and noteworthy alpha but in the most non-cringe way assertion of dominance I have ever fucking witnessed in all my days. Like, legit the next time i'm into a dude the way i say this like it's not an 'if' bc RIP to my love life lbr fuck all that playing coy, fuck all that flirting. We just gonna get right to the point bc imma climb all over his lap, purr in his face, and ask about his hobbies like it's the 1978 equivalent of a Hinge profile SKSKKSK
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and the next time I am spurned I will absolutely grab his junk in a naked hahahaksdjfk grab for a proper leash power to gain the upper hand in the situation and shame any and all menfolk who claim to not like me bc I'm not their 'type.' which like sksjsjsjs admittedly poor Dario just said that as a pretense to get the chisme from the chick who hates Grislenda bc the look of unconcealed regret on his face when Mistress Mamma Crotch Snatcher Morton gets up seems like a good indicator he would've paid to play with his balls
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BUT LIKE SIDE BY SIDE WITH AMADO GETTING TO THE metaphorical CLIMAX bc I sincerely doubt they let him bust, mid-robbery OF HIS STORY, CAN WE NOT SEE HOW CLEARLY THESE TWO WOMEN WERE THE ONES WHO JACKED AMADO OFF– NO WAIT THEY DECIDEDLY DID NOT DO THAT ALL OF AMADO’S SHIT, LIKE CAUGHT PAPI WITH HIS ACTUAL PANTS DOWN SKSJSB
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and lest any of us were convinced that Lady "Hijueputa Mandona Esa" who hates Griselda wasn't the one holding the gun on Toque, telling Amado she's gonna have her friend chew clear through his disco stick like some froot by the foot, please refer to exhibit B here ☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️☝️where she's manspreading for jesus in these fucking hot pants. I mean try to tell me that ain't power. c'mon
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AND THEN THE WAY SHE FUCKINGSLDFKJSL HUSTLES DARIO FOR EXTRA CASH, ALL "you gotta pay me more than that pittance bc yeah, she were a mouthy bitch but I didn't hate her that bad" ensuring he had no choice but to leave a tip, just like our pobre mujeriego, himbo extraordinaire, Sleazy!OG!Amado
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And if this isn't the most iconic reminder to tip your servers, folks which everyone should be doing already I truly don't know what is.
taglist: @ashlingnarcos @tofuwildcard @narcolini @drabbles-mc
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bloodyshadow1 · 3 months
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gushing about the episode because it's my favorite so far
The characters just felt a bit more full than they did in the other epiosdes, it's not like the acting was ever bad, but I just think they really stepped up their game this episode if that makes sense
I like how they have grover in the series, I like him in the books, but I feel like by cutting some of his 'action' scenes from the books, they gave him more emotional depths. from ep 3, he doesn't distract medusa with the shoes, but he does get to actually react to finding his uncle petrified and he gets to show more emotional intelligence calling out Annabeth and Percy. He doesn't get to be the flying ace at the water park, but his scenes with Ares were amazing. I think it build on something he says in the books to percy, that he's not as brave as percy or smart as annabeth but he's good at reading emotions and the series has shown it to better effect than the book I think. I think he feels more like part of a trio where in the books at times he felt like he was the best friend instead of an equal part with Percy and Annabeth
I think it was great to show off a bit more of the gods, Ares being more fleshed out than he ever was in the books. He's still brutish but you get more in the series on why he's like that. He feels underappreciated and looked down on, especially towards Athena. And like I said, the scenes between him and Grover were a surprising gem
Annabeth, she was just amazing in this episode. I'm not gonna lie, while I think the acting has always been on point I don't think the writing always did her favors. since the second episode I was afraid they were going to moviehermione her since there was a lot of buidling her up and sanding down her mistakes. she walked into medusa's lair in the books just like percy and didn't realize it until it was almost to late, compared to her knowing right away in the show. Yes, it shows off her intelligence, but she's also 12 and she should be allowed to be dumb as well as smart. But this episode it highlighted all parts of Annabeth's personality warts and all, and I loved it. It showed that she is brilliant, and capable, but she is a 12 year old with adhd just like Percy. The scene where she's distracted by the gear when Percy could be in a death trap is what sold me on this version of the character because yeah, she's a nerd who would get distracted by something like that. Her little speech at the end to Hephaestus is also so good, because she doesn't want to be mommy's perfect soldier anymore, she's a kid and she doesn't want to be cold and distant with people anymore and it's heartbreaking
Hephaestus was a treat to find, I knew he was cast, but I did[n't think he'd show in this episode. I liked how they made him a sad man who doesn't really fit in with his family of cutthoats. The bitter version from the books is fine, but I feel like there's more depth here where he empathizes with demigods who are in a similar position that he was once upon a time
As a percy Jackson fan of many years, the show has been pleasant and fun, but this episode really captured the full nature of the books in my opinion and even improve upon it
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twig-tea · 6 months
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Only Friends Ep7 Random Things I Haven't Already Spewed in the Tags Somewhere
God every line of dialogue this episode makes me want to write an essay.
This is the episode that's going to kill all of the mastermind theories and I'm so grateful. Everyone is just messy and young, not a genius or a villain, thank goodness that's now clear. Though I'm a little sad Boston didn't torture Nick by having more sex with the bug still present before confronting him about it (even though I agree this would have been worse writing).
Kudos to Nick for not outing Sand as the thief even though he was pressured and knew he was losing Boston. I respect it.
I was waiting this whole episode for Mew to confront Boston about him using the footage he took of Mew and Ray kissing to manipulate Top, but he never let on to Boston that he knew about that detail from Top. I was especially thinking about this during the scene where Mew threatens Boston with the Boston/Gap sex tape. I feel like some of those complicated expressions on Neo's face are about Boston thinking about that detail and whether Mew knew. It also says something to me about how much Mew is thinking about Top in this revenge moment (read: not at all). I wonder if it will come up later.
I also wanted to add that this was a brilliant way for Mew to make Boston feel regret (because it was clear he felt no remorse on his own). Mew got to feel morally superior AND instill real fear of consequences in Boston, it really was the perfect revenge.
I'm so interested in what Nick's thinking was re: giving the info about Boston's weakness to Mew. Did he want Boston more isolated from his friends? Was he actually compelled by Mew's argument even though we know he already said he didn't actually want to hurt Boston? [Ok I did already ramble in tags about this one but frfr I wanna knowwww]
Speaking of, it's interesting that Boston felt safe enough to tell Nick those details and not his best friends. Admittedly Nick was a bit right-place-right-time but Boston gave him an explanation, and now we know Mew hadn't heard about this previously.
I'm with @shortpplfedup and @lurkingshan on the Top cares more about Top than he cares about Mew train. I do think Top has some feelings, and they're associated with Mew, and I think they're mostly tied to Top's sense of self and how he wants to change and has told himself Mew is a critical part of making that change work (and making it worthwhile). His own sense of self got in the way of that change initially (which is why he did something Mew would not like at the first sign of maybe being lied to), and this loss seems to have helped him overcome that part of his ego, but we'll see.
Was thinking about the ephemerality squad as we watched Mew burn the physical representation of his time with Top, but only part of it.
Mew is careful and calculating, but he's not perfect and now he's doubting himself. After having scripted his first romance and having had it crash and burn despite his best efforts, second-guessing himself about Ray and being willing to give it a try even though he is sure it's a bad idea is.... painfully real. I didn't think RayMew would happen because Mew seemed so sure, but of course Mew would be doubting himself and his previous convictions now.
Mew really turned to Ray and said "I know we're not a good fit but maybe this is what I'm supposed to do" and Ray went for it because of course he did. Feels like that part of the script is explicitly calling out romantic tropes vs real life and how applying the logic of a romance narrative to reality just leads to heartbreak. I hope this keeps up, because YES. [Also @slayerkitty; is this what Jojo is doing re: dropping the narrative frameworks? Eps 1-5 people were telling themselves stories about how this was going to go and eps 6-7 have so far been realistic consequences. I'm now wondering if there's something there about applying dramatic tropes to the real world and how it doesn't work, actually?)]
Also just have to say, Drake's horny confident impersonal energy was perfect.
I have a whole other post about Cheum I've been drafting since last week and keep getting distracted from, but just to put this out there now: Mew was drowning Boston in that pool and girl you just stood to the side and watched (so did Ray, but he had a fractured arm so I'm giving him a pass).
No Yo at all in this episode; possibly another point in my corner about her being the representation of permanence (at least for this group), since everything was either under threat or had already imploded this episode.
Lastly, I keep thinking about what Ray's dad offered Sand, whether Sand took it, and what it would mean either way. It's absolutely bullshit, actually, that Sand not get paid for spending time with Ray considering how much money he is literally losing by spending time with Ray (this episode mentioned it explicitly: by staying to chill in the tub, he was missing out on plum wine $$). At the same time, Sand losing his other jobs to rely on money from Ray or his father is a recipe for disaster, because Ray is unreliable as a consistent source of income (please see his love of Mew). I understand not wanting to be misunderstood or influenced by money and so leaving it out of the situation, but it's in the situation anyway because Sand has debts and a lot of jobs and not a lot of time. I hate how much money has morality tied to it as much as I hate how sex has morality tied to it. It's not romantic to ruin your life for someone who won't even notice that's what you're doing (because Ray could never understand how Sand not working as hard for a week could absolutely mean Sand can't eat or pay rent--especially if Nick moved out--or pay school fees or his debts). Leaving money out of the calculation of a relationship is a privilege of the middle+ class. [@neuroticbookworm we're really going to have to have that noodling session because now you've got me fired up about this lol].
[this really only barebones touches on ephemerality but since I was thinking about y'all: @ranchthoughts @slayerkitty @wen-kexing-apologist @neuroticbookworm @waitmyturtles @lurkingshan @distant-screaming @chickenstrangers @clara-maybe-ontheroad ]
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mindmeltonabun-blog · 3 months
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My Demon: Theories and Analysis for Eps 7-8
Hello Readers!
The episodes this week were top-tier! Some quick thoughts I had about this week's eps: Kwang Chul gave a whole new meaning to the phrase, “step on me”. I totally wasn’t expecting this drama to have any blood or gore, but here we are. Did they have to make Gu Won’s stabbing so violent and gruesome?!! Blood was spurting out everywhere! It seriously made me want to vomit.
Other thoughts I had were that all of Madam Ju’s family members should be in prison or at least a mental institution because they're all so freaking crazy. The only good thing about these episodes was that Do Hee and Gu Won finally admitted their true feelings to each other.
I'll try to keep this post as short as possible, but you know me, I still end up writing a shit ton. Anyway, let's take a deeper dive into some of the many mysteries in "My Demon". Time to put on our thinking caps to analyze and theorize!
Demons' Limitations
In Ep 7, we were finally given more information about demons. Specifically, the writer provided us with information about demons' limitations which are quite similar to the limitations of the genie from Aladdin.
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For those who don’t remember the rules of Aladdin's Genie, here they are: 
1. Can’t kill anyone 2. Can’t make people fall in love 3. Can’t bring anyone back from the dead
There are some minor differences between the two sets of rules. For instance, instead of the rule that prohibits you from making people fall in love, there are rules against interfering with God's work and preventing natural disasters.
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I believe the writer is presenting these rules to suggest that Gu Won will eventually break one of these rules to save Do Hee's life (see the section "What's Best for You is What's Best for Me" for more). Something interesting to note is that Netflix didn't translate the whole page in this scene. There is a part of the text that says, "Killing the living, saving the dead, etc are part of God's domain". This means God is allowed to kill the living, bring back the dead, prevent natural disasters, etc. Basically, God can do all the things demons can't. Seeing this translation also made me realize what God meant when she said "turf" in Ep. 7. I'll further elaborate in the section titled, "God/Lady".
Demons vs Guardians
I'm curious about the differences between demons and guardians. When a demon becomes a guardian, do they acquire a new set of powers? Or does becoming a guardian simply mean they return to being human without additional abilities? Based on the information presented so far, it appears that for a demon to transition into a guardian, they must learn to love and be loved in return. Achieving these milestones would essentially enable them to regain their soul and humanity. It would be cool though if, upon becoming a guardian, demons retained their powers but without an immortal lifespan, similar to Lee Yeon from Tale of the Nine-Tailed!
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What Landed Gu Won in Hell? Love
Being a demon is comparable to the life of a genie. In both cases, the individuals are bound to fulfill the desires of others. However, for demons, this servitude isn't a mere obligation--it's a necessity for their continued existence. Unlike genies, demons must grant wishes to sustain their own lives. When I think about it, the life of a demon is quite sad because they have to spend their entire existence granting others' wishes without ever having an opportunity for their own wishes to be fulfilled. This got me thinking about what exactly was Gu Won's greatest desire or wish. Side note, y'all should check out the show Lucifer if you like mystery, devil and human romance, family drama, etc.
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Throughout the show, we have witnessed that our deepest wishes and desires, can ironically, lead to our demise, sending us straight to Hell, where we are tormented by these very wishes. Take for example, Park Bok Gyu's wish to never go hungry. After he died, he was tortured by creatures with fish heads. Conversely, the mob boss, who sought wealth and power, faces a fate in Hell that, according to Gu Won, would be even more severe. These examples show us the larger the wish, the steeper the cost--meaning that if your wish is significantly large, your soul could end up in far worse places than Hell. But what's worse than even the deepest levels of Hell? Becoming a demon. Unlike in Hell, where you could finish your punishment more quickly and be reincarnated, being turned into a demon means becoming a slave for all of eternity. All hope isn't lost though because as I mentioned earlier, if you learn to love and be loved returned, you can be free of your demon existence.
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I'll now provide you with what I think Gu Won's wishes were and the circumstances surrounding his transformation into a demon! Let me just say that Gu Won's wishes were astronomical. They weren't common wishes like wealth or power which would be easily granted by demons. They were wishes only God could grant.
(DISCLAIMER: DO NOT PLAGIARIZE MY THEORIES, I BETTER NOT BE SEEING MY THEORIES ON ANY SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM WITHOUT CREDIT).
So, Do Hee and Gu Won were in love, but their societal positions created significant barriers. Being a kisaeng and a nobleman, they faced the harsh reality their love could not flourish in that lifetime. Now, Do Hee was forced to work as a kisaeng to provide for her family.
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Due to Do Hee's status as a kisaeng, she was either sold off to someone else or, in an alternative scenario, their forbidden love led to her tragic death (who knows, maybe Jin Star's past self killed Do Hee in a fit of jealousy; maybe they were sisters?). In either situation, Gu Won would've felt a profound sense of insignificance and weakness, unable to protect Do Hee from these tragic fates. Like he must've really hated himself.
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In his pit of despair, Gu Won wished he could've saved Do Hee from her enslaved position as a kisaeng or untimely death, protected her, and married her one day. Now, those are some big wishes, and remember what I said? The bigger the wish, the larger the cost. In a twist of fate, God/Lady heard Gu Won's fervent wishes and offered Gu Won a deal. God would fulfill all of Gu Won's wishes if he agreed to work as a demon.
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Sometime after this, Do Hee found out Gu Won became a demon because of her and felt immense guilt. Do Hee who was a devout Christian, prayed to God wishing Gu Won would be spared from suffering such an existence as a demon. Now, God mostly fulfilled this request by erasing Gu Won's human memories (I'm going with the Grim Reaper/oblivion tea theme here haha). Since Gu Won's inability to protect Do Hee tortured him deeply, the act of forgetting lessened his emotional pain. I say mostly because God wasn't quite done with fulfilling this request.
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Just imagine being God, you would have to shuffle so many things around to fulfill both Do Hee and Gu Won's wishes. Make Do Hee rich so she's not working in a slave position...check...create a situation where the two would meet (i.e matchmaker got the hotel name wrong)...check...create a situation where the two would have to depend on each other (i.e shut off Gu Won's power on the road)...check..... make them get married..check and check.....free Gu Won from his existence as a demon...ongoing. IT'S A LOT Y'ALL.
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How do you save Gu Won from a sad existence as a demon and spontaneous combustion? You turn him back into a human by introducing him to the very girl who would be capable of bringing out his humanity through her love. She's the water that extinguishes the Hellfire that is about to consume him. Gu Won freed Do Hee from being an enslaved kisaeng in the past and now she's freeing him from the shackles of his enslaved existence as a demon.
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Gu Won and Do Hee are each other's salvation. One cannot survive without the other. If one is killed, the other one will be too. For example, if Do Hee dies, Gu Won would either be stuck as a demon for all of eternity or combust. And if Gu Won dies, it would leave Do Hee unprotected and she would probably get killed. It's like Do Hee said, they share the same fate and are in the same boat.
What’s Best for You is What’s Best for Me...Danger on the Horizon!
On the surface, the quote "What's best for you is what's best for me", said by Madam Ju and echoed by Gu Won may seem sweet, but upon deeper reflection, it reveals a bitter truth: what's best for you is not always what's best for me.
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A brief digression: I have a suspicion that Gu Won might be a long-lost ancestor of the Ju family. Why would the writer intentionally give Gu Won similar personality traits as Madam Ju or have him repeat things she said if not to suggest there was a possible familial connection? While shared traits don't always indicate a blood relation, the repetition of the same phrases is highly suspicious. I guess one reason the writer did this was to convey that even though Madam Ju was gone, Do Hee would still have someone similar by her side. However, they could've accomplished this without having Gu Won be the male version of Madam Ju.
Another explanation for why Gu Won and Madam Ju say the same phrases could be that they crossed paths in the past. Maybe Madam Ju heard Gu Won say it or vice versa. Who knows. It would be sweet though if Gu Won were a long-lost Ju family member because then Do Hee would be related to Madam Ju through her marriage to him.
Ok, sorry for the brief tangent, it's my ADHD brain haha. Now, let's get back to discussing how what's best for you is not always what's best for me. Taking the example of the mother and her sick daughter, from the mother's perspective, signing away her soul to ensure her daughter's health might seem like the best thing to do for her daughter. Yet, it wouldn't be truly best for the mother as she would be damned to Hell. Similarly, from the daughter's POV, what's technically best for her (i.e not being sick anymore), wouldn't actually be the best, as she would be fraught with guilt knowing her mother suffered because of her.
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When it comes to Do Hee and Gu Won, what's best for Do Hee is to continue investigating the deaths of her parents and Madam Ju. However, this poses a significant risk to Gu Won, who is almost fully human now and no longer invincible.
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This leads me to my next point. Gu Won would stop at nothing to ensure Do Hee's happiness. He's well aware that for Do Hee to continue her investigations, she would need to remain alive and safe. For that to happen, he would need to have his powers fully working so he could protect her. What this means is that Gu Won will become a full demon again. I believe this is about to happen soon because, in Ep 8, we see God/Lady looking at the moon which is now a "waxing gibbous". If you recall from Ep 2, Park Bok Gyu hypothesized that they would have to wait until the next full moon to attempt transferring the tattoo back to Gu Won so he could be a demon again. And well, the next phase after a waxing gibbous is a full moon.
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I think Gu Won isn't going to tell Do Hee about his decision to become a demon though. He's going to take Do Hee to the beach and make her think it's a romantic outing and she's not going to suspect anything because they’re in a relationship now. Then bam into the water they go! The betrayal she'll feel after Gu Won does this will be astronomical. It goes back to Madam Ju's quote about having someone on your side who, if they stabbed you in the back, you would understand. Even if Do Hee understands why Gu Won did this, it still wouldn't change the fact it would still hurt like Hell.
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Would Gu Won doing this be really what's best for Do Hee? Or the both of them? Yes and no. While it would keep Do Hee alive and safe, she would be riddled with guilt knowing Gu Won sacrificed his soul and humanity to ensure she was protected. At the same time, Gu Won would become immortal again and able to protect Do Hee better, but he would no longer be able to feel love for her since demons are devoided of human emotions. Gu Won would simply view her as someone he just needs to protect to keep his end of the bargain.
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Following this, I think there will be a situation where either Kwang Chul or Abraxas gets ahold of Do Hee and I think this is where Gu Won’s latest dream will come into play. To save Do Hee, Gu Won will have to kill whoever, and this will force him to break the rule that states demons can't kill. Subsequently, he'll spontaneously combust. Well, that's going to suck. Had Gu Won remained human, he could've killed whoever and not spontaneously combust. However, since he's a demon again, those consequences would apply. Don't worry y'all, I feel like Do Hee is going to wish or pray to God/Lady that she'll take pity on them and bring Gu Won back to life lol.
Abraxas..It's Still Seok Hoon
So earlier this week, I posted on Twitter how I now thought Abraxas was Seok Min or Do Gyeong based on the pillows. However, after thinking through some more things, I'm going back to saying Abraxas is Seok Hoon. That's my final answer.
Seok Hoon is a trickster/magician! He makes things "disappear" including money and people. That's why Madam Ju said in Ep 4, "You killed someone on top of all your dirty tricks?". He even suggested Do Hee let his department buy shares of her company to offset their losses which is a form of trickery since it would appear Do Hee was engaging in stock manipulation or insider trading.
The biggest trick Seok Hoon is attempting to pull on Do Hee is to make her believe he's really on her side and that he's her real guardian. Going back to Madam Ju's quote about having someone on your side means you would gladly let them stab you in the back and understand. When you trust someone completely, it means you would let them stab you in the back because at the end of the day you know they have your best interest at heart so you would understand.
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Throughout this show, the writer has made it a point to emphasize how Seok Hoon is the only one on Do Hee's side. Here's the thing though, Do Hee doesn't completely trust Seok Hoon as evidenced by how she doesn't tell him everything. The same goes for Gu Won, but he's not a suspect in the death of Madam Ju.
Between the two men in the show, who do you think is the real demon and guardian? Btw, Abraxas is sometimes seen as a demon in mythology. For me, the real demon is Seok Hoon. Even though Gu Won projects an image that he's a big bad demon, he's actually an angel on the inside. In contrast, Seok Hoon projects an angelic persona, but he's really a devil on the inside. Gu Won is the real guardian who's trying to protect Do-Hee while Seok Hoon is the real demon who's trying to kill her.
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One major question I had from earlier episodes was how Abraxas/Seok Hoon knew the identity of Gu Won was the Director of Sunwol Foundation before the wedding news articles came out that said as much? Furthermore, how did Seok Hoon know the Wild Dogs were looking for him? If you remember, the Wild Dogs only found out Gu Won was the Director of Sunwol and Do Hee's bodyguard after Kwang Chul passed the note revealing as much. There was no explanation of just how exactly Seok Hoon and Kwang Chul found out Gu Won was the director of Sunwol and that the Wild Dogs were looking for him. I looked through earlier eps to see if there was ever an instance where Do Hee told Seok Hoon that Gu Won was the Director of Sunwol, but there wasn't. I think Seok Hoon probably found out this bit of info from Secretary Shin. She probably mentioned it in passing to Seok Hoon because she thought Seok Hoon was Do Hee's ally.
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I'm sure many of you are probably wondering how Seok Hoon can be Abraxas when we see Abraxas chilling at Seok Min's home. Well, the thing is, we haven't seen Seok Hoon's place for a reason--he doesn't have one. Due to his "hippie" lifestyle, he engages in communal living, meaning he lives with relatives. More specifically, he resides at Seok Min's home, and that's why we see him as Abraxas there. There's a strong possibility that he and Seok Min are probably working together too. Additionally, I'm ruling out Do Gyeong as being Abraxas because I think he's trying to help warn Do Hee in his own creepy way. When it comes to the pill switching of Madam Ju's medications, I suspect Se-ra may have some involvement. According to the info on SBS, Se-ra is the daughter of a leading pharma company. As someone with a background in pharma, I was like wait a minute. While I'm not sure about the rules and regulations in South Korea, in the US, diclofenac is a prescription medication. I'm just going to guess it's the same in SK. This led me to think that maybe Se-ra provided the diclofenac to Seok Hoon.
In Ep 7, Abraxas/Seok Hoon informed Kwang Chul that Gu Won was only a demon when he was around Do Hee. This revelation led the duo to believe Gu Won's access to his powers was somehow linked to his proximity to Do Hee (they just didn't know how close). To test this hypothesis, they decided to separate the two lovers so that they could eliminate Gu Won. When this plan failed, they went back to the drawing board. At this point, the duo remained unaware of the tattoo and its connection to Do Hee and Gu Won's powers because there was nothing in the book about the tattoo transferring or how to get it back. I wouldn't be surprised if the book didn't even say how the tattoo was connected to demon powers.
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It was only after Seok Hoon saw Do Hee place Gu Won's hand on her wrist with the tattoo that he realized the connection between the tattoo and Gu Won's demon powers. This is going to be important further down the line.
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After realizing this, Seok Hoon messaged Kwang Chul, saying, "There's something wrong with his powers." Although not explicitly shown on screen, I believe Seok Hoon knew precisely what was wrong with Gu Won's powers. He deduced Gu Won was becoming human through Do Hee's love. This is why Seok Hoon chose to tell Gu Won he was the reason why Do Hee was giving up the Chairwoman position and investigation of Madam Ju's death. Seok Hoon strategically revealed this information to Gu Won with the intention it would encourage him to pursue a relationship with Do Hee, ultimately leading to Gu Won becoming fully human through her love. If Gu Won were fully human, he wouldn't have the powers to protect Do Hee, making them both sitting ducks for slaughter.
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Seok Hoon's little plan is going to backfire, though, for two main reasons: He doesn't know one can get the tattoo back and he doesn't understand the power of love. Remember, the book doesn't tell us how one gets the tattoo back. Bok Gyu and Gu Won are the only ones who know this bit of information because they figured out the conditions (i.e full moon and ocean) had to be the same as the night the tattoo was initially transferred. Furthermore, Seok Hoon doesn't know the lengths Gu Won would go to protect Do Hee. He doesn't understand that Gu Won would essentially sell his soul and humanity to protect Do Hee (Gu Won's already done it once before in past), meaning he would become a demon again to protect Do Hee.
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God/Lady
I don't know about y'all, but I'm quite frankly done with God in disguise figures in fantasy dramas. It's like in every single fantasy drama, there's always a God in disguise character that gives you hints of what will happen in the form of riddles, leaving many scratching their heads to figure out what they mean. We have seen these types of characters in Goblin, Tale of the Nine-Tailed, King Eternal Monarch, Doom at Your Service, Alchemy of Souls, etc. The list is endless.
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The latest God in disguise is Lady... who goes around saving "recyclables", more like saving people. Anyway, I've seen many questioning if she’s really God. Y’all if she’s wearing a hat that spells out G-O-D in bold letters and she’s always asking money for Jesus Corporation, what does that tell you??? I don’t know how much clearer it can be that she is God. Instead of questioning whether she is God or not, maybe it would be a better use of our time if we spend it trying to decipher what she says instead.
Let's get to dissecting the many things God has said. Now, I've already gone over most of the things she said from Ep 1-6 either in the previous post or on my Twitter act so I won't really discuss more here. However, the are a couple things I forgot to mention in my last post though. Here they are:
The roulette wheel has 18 odd and 18 even numbers (36 numbers total). (18) 1+8=9 and (36) 3+6=9 all correspond to Gu (9) Won. The sum of all the numbers (0-36) on the roulette wheel is "666" which I already said in the previous post is the number of the beast/devil and corresponds to Gu Won (the combination to his safe is 666). When you flip “666” it’s “999” which is an angel number that symbolizes completion and new beginnings.
In "Divine Comedy", there are 9 realms of Hell + 1 with Lucifer = 10. The same pattern is present in Purgatory and Heaven. Gu Won's soul was in Hell and now it's in the purgatory on its way towards Heaven. Demon-> Guardian. Hell-> Heaven
On a broader level, if 1= new beginning and 0= end, our couple who's represented by the number 10 symbolizes they are each other's end and beginning. They complete each other.
The bill God is holding when she's saying, "I'm betting all my money on the odd numbers", is a 1000 bill. 1000 or "cheon" means "heaven". That scene could be intrepreted as God or the heavens are betting everything on our couple to win. Also, Madam Ju's first name is Cheon which probably means she went to heaven.
The overall conclusion I'm drawing from what God said about odd numbers from eps 1-6 is that our couple will have a happy ending after they go through some shit haha.
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Moving onto what God said in Eps 7-8! When Gu Won called God/Lady, "Arabica woman", my mind lit up! Does anyone see the connection? Arabica...Abraxas. Abraxas is 7 letters and Arabica is 7 letters. In some belief systems, Abraxas was viewed as God. So, Gu Won calling her "Arabica woman" could be another hint she's God. The word "Arabica" also sounds very similar to "Abracadabra" which is related to Abraxas. Just so we’re clear, I’m not implying God/Lady is the Abraxas who’s trying to kill Gu Won and Do Hee. Seok Hoon is a wannabe Abraxas while God/Lady is the real Abraxas haha.
I also found it hilarious that God was constantly begging for donations for Jesus Corporation. It made me think about that time Madam Ju said she bribed God through donations after Do Hee said liars can't go to Heaven. Guess Madam Ju bribed God enough to earn a spot in Heaven.
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When God says she knows this place like the back of her hand, she doesn't mean the train station, she means the whole world...because you know, God is omnipresent. God then tells them, they've intruded on her "turf" which means they've intruded on her domain.
What's her domain? Matters of life, death, natural disasters, fate, making people fall in love, etc. This was why Gu Won's powers would fail at the most random times or rather not-so-random times. God already has a grand plan for these two and she's keeping up her end of the bargain of the contract she made with them in the past (refer to "What Landed Gu Won in Hell? Love" section). However, these two would interrupt her work so she would shut off Gu Won's powers so that they follow the predetermined path she has planned for them.
Gu Won's power failed in Ep 1 because God was creating a situation where they would depend on each other, get to know each other, fall in love, etc. In the latest power failure, God turned off Gu Won's powers to prevent them from escaping so they could kiss each other. Consider this scenario: If God hadn't prevented them from escaping, what would've happened? They wouldn't have kissed. That kiss set the wheels in motion for the romance between Gu Won and Do Hee. God was just giving them a nudge in the right direction.
The next time Gu Won experienced another power failure was later in Ep 7 when he and Do Hee were attempting to leave Sunwol Foundation. Once again, we should question why God didn't want them to leave at that particular moment. Remember, because Gu Won and Do Hee were unable to leave precisely at that time, they encountered the Wild Dogs, who then proceeded to pledged their allegiance to Gu Won. Based on Ep 9 preview, it appears the Wild Dogs will play a crucial role in finding Kwang Chul.
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As Gu Won and Do Hee were leaving, we saw God telling them, "What flickers would eventually go out sooner or later". Many interpreted this scene as God saying Gu Won's powers would eventually go out. Well, duh. I interpreted this scene a bit differently because I noticed God was looking at the clock that was flickering and pointing at 1.
What does 1 symbolize in numerology? New beginning. My interpretation was that she was saying Gu Won's life as a demon along with his powers was coming to an end and that he was about to begin a new life as a human.
Gu Won should really be nicer to God lol. Look at what happened to the Prince from Beauty and the Beast after he wasn't nice to the old beggar lady...she turned him into a beast. Ohhh now I get it....Gu Won needs to learn to love or he'll remain a beast forever aka he'll remain a devil/demon forever haha (666=beast=devil).
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Later in the episode, one guy advises the other to let it go and blame it on fate. This refers to an earlier scene where Gu Won was blaming Do Hee (Fate) for losing his powers. God's message is clear--Gu Won shouldn't be blaming Do Hee for his current state; rather, he should be blaming himself. After all, it's not her fault that he's falling in love with her and becoming human. Moreover, there's the possibility that becoming human was one of Gu Won's original wishes in the contract he signed with God.
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In Ep 8, we don't see much of God except in the beginning. Many interpreted what God said in the following scene as meaning Do Hee had special powers that allowed her to heal Gu Won. However, I don't believe she possesses any supernatural abilities. Instead, I think she saved him through the power of love, and, perhaps prayers. If you look at the end of Ep 7, you'll notice Do Hee's hands were in a prayer position right before they zoomed in on the cross tattoo. Do Hee likely wished and prayed for Gu Won's salvation, and God granted it.
Regarding the second thing God said, I believe she was referring to the moment when Do Hee was trying to save Gu Won. Seok Hoon witnessed Do Hee placing Gu Won's hand on her wrist, setting off a chain of events that would eventually threaten her life (refer to "Abraxas...It's Still Seok Hoon" section).
Tarot
Whew! We are almost near the end of this post! There wasn't really anything of significance in terms of tarot in this week's episodes. One thing I found interesting was that the social influencer had asked Gu Won if he was a magician. For those who don't know, the 1st tarot card is "The Magician". You can make multiple connections between that, the number 1, and Gu Won, but since I'm tired of writing, I won't be further elaborating on it. I think we'll see a situation in the future where everyone really thinks Gu Won is dead, but he'll show up very unexpectedly and say "Abracadabra, I'm back!".
One last thing I found interesting was the tarot card pulled by Jung Mi in Ep 8. She had pulled the 19th tarot card, which is the Sun. This card usually indicates success, good fortune, happiness, etc. Also, 1+9=10 and Yi Sun...Sun haha. I think this card conveys the same message that everything will be okay after we go through some Hell.
I bet you all that we'll be seeing the following tarot cards in future eps: #1 The Magician, #8 Strength, #11 Justice, #12 The Hanged Man, #13 Death, #16 The Tower, #18 The Moon, and #21 The World!
Other Random Thoughts
Gu Won and Do Hee's red and green didn't refer to Christmas or Battery Charge Status. They referred to the colors on the roulette wheel. There is only one green space on a typical roulette wheel and it corresponds to the number 0. Number 1 is usually red. So 1...0....10 and 1+0=1 completion. Also, odd numbers are usually red and even numbers are black. Oh, I get why Do Hee was wearing a red dress and Gu Won was wearing a black suit now haha.
What determines if one remembers their past lives or not? Why is Park Bok Gyu the only one who remembers his past lives? Will Do Hee ever remember her past lives?
I can't believe Park Bok Gyu compared Gu Won to being a meat eater who ended up becoming a vegetarian because he met a very special pig (Do Hee) that he didn't want to eat haha.
With Madam Ju, is she suppose to be a spirit in limbo or is Do Hee schizophrenic? In Ep 8, it almost feels like she’s a real ghost bc we see her tapping her cane in hesitation after Do Hee said she didn’t know who killed Madam Ju and her parents.
I hope the Wild Dogs or Park Bok Gyu will find the bug underneath Gu Won’s desk when they’re cleaning haha. Did Seok Hoon put bugs in Do Hee’s place?!!
Was Gu Won a prince when he was human?
Do Hee’s birthday is Oct 29 (look at her phone in ep 1) which means she is a scorpio. On the SBS site, it tells about the story of the frog and scorpion. In the story, the scorpion stings the frog who’s carrying it across the river. They both end up dying and the scorpion is basically like oops it’s just in my nature to. Also, on the lovers tarot card (Rider Waite deck), there is a snake which equates to the 8th zodiac sign…scorpio! The other zodiac sign on the lovers tarot card is a lion which means Leo (5th zodiac sign). I guess Gu Won’s zodiac sign is Leo. This would also explain why he likes those lion bookends haha. Oh and lions are considered “apex predators” haha. Leo’s element is fire and Scorpio is water….hahaha Fire and Water…Gu Won and Do Hee. In most tarot decks, the 8th tarot card is justice. In the Rider Waite deck, the 8th card is strength which shows a lion.
The kiss scene with the garden backdrop looks like the lovers tarot card where Adam and Eve are in the garden of Eden. I can totally see people start making theories about how Do Hee is Eve and Gu Won is Adam after reading this post 🤣. And talk about “original sin” and “forbidden fruit”. Good luck haha.
Number 15 is associated with the devil tarot card as well as the full moon (the full moon comes 15 days after the new moon).
One other theory I had for Gu Won and Do Hee was that in the past, they were in so love that it became detrimental to everyone around them. Gu Won was a rule breaker and instead of doing whatever job he was suppose to do (I.e work as a government official), he was always going around “flower watching” aka hanging out with Do Hee. Him and Do Hee forgot about their responsibilities so God punished them. Gu Won’s punishment was to be turned into a demon so he could learn to follow the rules (Gu Won did say the demon manual was a book filled with many threats haha). For Do Hee, maybe her punishment was to always be alone, meaning she would always lose those closest to her. I feel this theory is just meh haha. The other theory aligns more with the many themes in the show than this one. I would be surprised if the writer goes this route haha.
END
Overall, I don't think we'll have a sad ending. I'll definitely let y'all know if I see anything in future eps that would indicate otherwise! I hope in this week's eps, we'll get to see what actually happened in Gu Won and Do Hee's past! I'm dying to know the circumstances that led to Gu Won's transformation into a demon! Alright, that's all I have for now!
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confused-pyramid · 1 month
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You're the Only One Who Knows to Slow it Down | s5
pairing: aaron hotchner x childhood bsf!reader
summary: Hotch and his childhood best friend working together at the BAU: a slow burn across the seasons.
word count: 16.2k
warnings: canon!typical violence, mentions of abuse, major character death, gun violence, drinking, specific episodes mentioned in this part are 5x01, 5x02, 5x06, 5x09, 5x10, and 5x21
a/n: This season was really hard to write at points (I think we all know which eps I'm talking about lol) but I'm looking forward to brighter days ahead:') Also we get some more tangible tension so yay! Title is from Look After You by The Fray
series masterlist
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"We're not working a case," Derek states matter-of-factly when you arrive at the crime scene. You were woken up early the next morning after getting back from Canada, and on less than four hours of sleep, your brain is struggling to function.
"Why call us to a crime scene?" you ask, walking up to the front door of the house with the rest of the team.
He shrugs. "I was hoping you knew."
You look around, trying to find Aaron, but he's nowhere in sight. He had promised to put in the team request for a few days of leave, but you presume the call came in before he got a chance to do so.
The local police let you survey the scene, explaining that a Dr. Barton got a threatening letter that someone would be murdered everyday that he didn't give up his own son. Once you're done inspecting the body, you turn to JJ, lowering your voice. "Where's Hotch?"
"He's not answering his cell," she says, her lips thinning. "I assume it's on vibrate."
You nod. "I'll try him again."
You step away from the group and click his number in your speed dial, listening to the rings until it reaches his voicemail. It's unlike him to keep his phone on silent, but you know the previous night was tough on everyone. "Hey, it's me." You tell him the address you're heading to for the case, before turning towards the car and lowering your voice. "I know you're probably just asleep, but I don't know...I have that weird feeling again that you know I get...so please just call me back." You take a deep breath, hoping you're being overdramatic, and that you'll see him pull up in a few minutes. "See you soon."
When you get to Dr. Barton's house, he still hasn't called you back. You sit with the doctor, Prentiss, and Reid in his living room, going through his recent patient files, while Morgan, JJ, and Rossi head to the school to find his son.
"Something set this guy off," Emily explains as you start poring over the records. "Odds are it's in your files."
You manage to get through about a dozen before Dr. Barton stands up with a sigh. "My son is leaving school in five hours. There's no way we can get through all of these patients in time."
You check your phone again, mostly to see the time, but you also note that there aren't any new calls or messages. "He's right. We need more eyes on this. I can get Hotch and be back in a half hour."
"Keep us updated," Emily says, nodding at you. Concern flashes across her eyes for a millisecond, and you're sure it reflects the look in yours.
The drive to his apartment doesn't take long, and you stalk down the hall, all the way to the end, until you find his door. There's no answer the first time you knock, so you reach for the spare key he gave you, but before you can use it, you realize the door is already unlocked.
Your heart drops into your stomach and you pull your gun out, using it to push open the door carefully. "Aaron? Aaron, it's me."
When the door is ajar, the sight before you almost makes you drop your gun. There's a large bullet hole in the far wall, along with a patch of drying blood and bits of broken glass on the floor. His phone is on the ground as well, and his gun and holster are lying on his dining table.
You crouch down on your heels, trying to calm your breathing, as you take in your surroundings. You need to think logically about this, or you'll be no help at all.
A few things come to you as your mind clears.
His car is still outside.
No blood splatter around the bullet hole.
No drag marks.
You dig your hand around your back pocket and pull out your phone, dialing Garcia as fast as you can. "Overtime shift, Penelope speaking."
Her chipper voice usually calms you down, but right now you need to cut to the chase. "Garcia, it's me. Something's happened to Hotch. You need to get an APB out on him."
Her breath stutters. "What do you mean, something?"
"There's blood on the floor," you whisper, willing your voice not to crack as your throat thickens with tears. "There's also a bullet hole in the wall, probably a .44."
"I'll send the whole team," she says before you cut her off.
"No, don't call the team. They need to finish the case we were assigned. Just tell Emily, since she's expecting me back, but send every other agent in the vicinity."
"On it."
The line clicks off and you release your breath, before standing up again. While you wait for the crime scene techs, you poke around his things in the main area, trying to see if anything has been taken or moved. The only thing you notice before they arrive is that a page has been ripped from his address book.
"Agent L/N?" a voice calls from the doorway.
You lift your hand. "Yeah, in here."
They come inside and get to work immediately, so you step out, just in time for Garcia to call you back. "Y/N, I checked local hospitals for his name, and I didn't find anything at first, but then one of them told me something really strange."
"Garcia," you whisper through gritted teeth. You love her, but she needs to hurry up before you explode. "What was it?"
"Someone dropped off a John Doe at St. Sebastian hospital, and that someone's name was FBI Agent Derek Morgan."
Your vision turns black for a moment. He's back. Foyet's back.
You're rushing to your car before she has a chance to hang up.
***
He's still under anesthesia when you arrive at the hospital. He was stabbed nine times. That's what the nurse told you when you flashed your credentials and asked for any information she could give you.
Now, you're standing in his doorway, trying to build up the nerve to approach his sleeping form. Even with all of the bandages covering his arms and abdomen, he somehow looks peaceful. It's been so long since you've seen his brow unfurrowed, his forehead smooth, without the tension that invades his daily life.
After a few minutes, you take a step inside, then another, and suddenly you're right beside him, reaching out to clutch his hand over the bedsheet.
His skin is cold, and you wrap both hands around his to warm it up, if even by just a little. He's usually a furnace, generating his own heat even when it's freezing out, but whenever he gets hurt, his hands turn to ice.
After a minute, your phone buzzes in your pocket and you let him go to answer it. It's just Emily telling you that she's at the hospital with the rest of the team, and you walk out into the hall to talk to them.
Rossi is the first to reach you. He squeezes you into a hug before getting back to business. "You sure it was Foyet?"
"He had Morgan's credentials," you nod, rubbing a hand over the back of your neck. Derek glances at you then, and you press your lips together with a nod.
"Did they catch him on the security cam?"
"You could see him dropping Hotch off," you explain, trying to keep your voice steady, "but the camera's only on the entrance, so I have no idea what direction he went once he left the hospital."
Emily shakes her head. "It doesn't make sense for him to have brought Hotch to the E.R."
The nurse from earlier approaches you then, pulling your attention. "Agents, he's waking up."
You shuffle inside and take his hand again as everyone walks in.
His voice is soft when he opens his eyes. "Where am I?"
"In the hospital," Emily whispers, taking care to be mindful of her volume.
He shuts his eyes for a beat. "How did I get here?"
"Foyet drove you." Rossi doesn't frown often, but the lines of his face are clearer than ever. "Can you remember what happened?"
Hotch shakes his head, closing his eyes. "What did he take? The Reaper always takes something from his victims."
"There was an address page missing from your day planner," you whisper, finally finding your voice. "In the B's."
His eyes snap open and he tries to lift his head from the pillow, but he can only wince. "Where are my clothes?"
Emily hands him a plastic bag filled with his belongings, and he ruffles through them, until he finds his wallet. When he opens it, a photograph is stuffed inside, covered in blood spatter. Haley and Jack.
Your breath catches, and he seems to realize what it means at the same moment you do. "Haley's maiden name is Brooks. I always listed her in the B's in my personal information in case it fell into the wrong hands."
You squeeze his hand involuntarily, and he exhales sharply. "He knows where they live."
***
When the rest of the team rushes off to his old house, you stay with him at the hospital. You get a call soon from JJ that Haley and Jack are just fine, and you are finally able to breathe easy for the first time all day.
"They're okay," you tell him when you hang up the phone. "That was JJ. She said Haley was home and Jack's at a playdate, but Morgan is going to pick him up right now."
He nods slowly, his body relaxing into the bed. "Good. That's good."
"It is," you say, eyeing his movements. It's still enormously difficult to look at him like this, but you won't be able to move forward if you don't know the truth. "Aaron, what happened? What did he do?"
"I don't remember all of it," he says slowly, clearly taking his time with each word. There's no rush, and he knows it. Even if it takes him hours to get it all out, you'll still be here. "I remember him being there when I got home, after I dropped you off. He fired off a shot into the wall, and then I tried to tackle him, but..."
He trails off, and you squeeze his hand tighter, as though trying to tether him to the present moment. After a few shallow breaths, he continues. "I tried to tackle him, and I got him on the ground, but then he overpowered me." You can almost see it in your mind. The picture he's painting as he weaves over the details with startling clarity. "The first one hurt the most."
The first stab. Your eyes close for a beat, like you're trying to hide from his words. The first of nine.
"I don't remember much after that." You can tell he's leaving things out, but you also don't know if you'll be able to handle it if he does tell you everything.
"That's okay," you whisper as his eyes droop down. "You should rest."
He nods slowly as the exhaustion takes over and his grip loosens around your hand as he falls asleep.
You wait by his side for about a half hour, until you spot a familiar face (with a new haircut) dawdling in the hallway.
You stand up in a fervor. "Oh, thank god."
You rush over to Haley and pull her into a hug, which she returns just as forcefully. "JJ called us when she found you, but it's still really good to see your face."
"It's good to see you too," she says with an exhale before letting you go. You look down and see Jack standing next to her, his mouth downturned as his fingers twiddle at his sides. "Do you mind staying with him while I go talk to Aaron?"
You turn around and see that he's blinking his eyes open again. "Not at all." You take Jack's hand with a smile and lead him down the hall.
"I'm sorry if the big men scared you," you tell him once you find a few seats in the waiting area. "I know it was all very sudden."
To your surprise, his face breaks out into a big grin. "Uncle Derek let me turn on the siren!"
"Wow!" you smile, feeling warm laughter echo around your chest. "That sounds super fun."
He nods ecstatically, before leaning his head over to look back up the hall. "Can I see Daddy now?"
Your smile falls as fast as it appeared and you take his hand again, pressing his fingers between yours. "Soon, baby, soon."
***
He wakes up to the sound of faint talking. He can vaguely see you hugging someone, and he blinks a few times to clear his vision as you disappear down the hall.
"How do you feel?" Haley asks as she walks into his hospital room. She doesn't come further than the foot of the bed, but he's just glad to see her here, in one piece.
He clears his throat quietly. "I'm gonna be okay." She doesn't look convinced, but he doesn't want to focus on him right now. "Did they explain to you what's happening?"
She nods slowly, looking at him for another moment. "They said the Marshal's service is taking us straight from here and putting us into protective custody."
She looks upset, and it takes him back to the lowest moments of their relationship. "Haley, I'm sorry."
She looks down and the familiar urge to comfort her returns, even while lying in a hospital bed. "Do you know where they're gonna take us?"
"No, I don't." He tries to catch her eye but she won't look at him. "And that's the point. I can't know where you're going. If you have any contact with anyone, then he could track you."
She finally looks at him then, and her sadness is tinged with exasperation. "Jack has school. He has friends. I have a job now."
He doesn't know what else to say but: "I know. I'm sorry." He hopes he's conveying what he means, but it doesn't feel like enough. "We will catch him, and you'll come back, and I promise that I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you."
She nods minutely, and he takes the small comfort. "Are you sure that we're in danger?"
"Yes." There's little else he's been more sure of.
"And what about you?" she asks, her voice small. "Are you gonna be safe?"
He doesn't want to worry her, but he also doesn't want to lie. "He wants to see me suffer. Knowing that my son is out there and that I can't see him is better than killing me."
Her brow pinches and she pushes her short hair back from her forehead. "Jack wants to come in."
He tries to argue at first, not because he doesn't want to see him, but because it will only make it harder to let him go again, but eventually she convinces him to accede.
She leaves to go get him, and he leans back on the pillows, trying not to let himself sink inside.
~
Haley finds you in the waiting area, with Jack sitting on your lap, in the middle of a game of I Spy.
"Is he ready for him?" you whisper when you see her approach. She nods and you lift Jack off your lap and set him on his feet. "Off you go, buddy. Time to see Daddy."
"Yay!" he cheers before racing down the hall, you and Haley right behind him. She steers him into the correct room, and he jumps onto the bed before either of you can stop him.
There's a quiet chorus of 'be careful's before he grunts, "Don't worry. It's okay. The doctors made sure that I'm completely fine." He turns to the small boy with a smile you haven't seen in days. "Did Mommy tell you that you two are gonna take a trip?"
Jack nods once, moving his chin up and down dramatically. "Yeah."
"So I'm not gonna see you for a while."
Jack frowns. "Why?" The word sounds so small out of his mouth, and your heart cracks in your chest.
"Well, think about it like when Daddy goes away for work. Only this time you and Mommy get to go someplace."
Jack ponders this for a few seconds, before crawling up again and wrapping his arms around his dad's neck. "Are you okay?"
"I'm very proud of you." It's a father's answer. The kind of response that doesn't tell the truth, but hides the pain with love. "Every single day. I'll see you soon, okay?"
"Okay."
Haley says another goodbye and grabs Jack's hand before leading him out of the room. She gives you another hug, squeezing extra tight for the last second. "It's not his fault."
"Of course it isn't," you whisper, letting her pull back.
"No," she whispers, closing her eyes. "I mean, don't let him blame himself for this."
He's one of the most stoic people you know, but he can also be so transparent sometimes. "I won't. I'll be here."
"He needs you," she says with a sad smile. "He's always needed you, but he especially needs you now."
She doesn't let you respond before she's tugging Jack down the hall. You watch as she exits the side door of the wing, and only turn back when you can't see her anymore. She's one of your longest friends, and you won't be able to see her or her son for god knows how long.
When you step back into the room, you stand at the foot of his bed, trying to gauge what he needs from you, but then you see his expression. Tears prick the corners of his eyes and his mouth twists as you rush forward and grab his hand, squeezing it between yours with the grip of someone holding onto a life preserver.
"They'll be okay," you whisper, trying to keep your own tears back. "We'll get through this."
He nods, his eyes still shining. You move to sit in the chair beside him, but he tugs you back, pulling you closer. You understand the desperate look in his eyes, the need for connection and comfort from someone you care about that you've seen in yourself on so many occasions.
Slipping your shoes off, you tuck the sheet into his side and carefully climb onto the little hospital bed, taking care to avoid any of the wires and tubes. Once you're sure you're not pulling on anything, you curl up beside him and wrap yourself around his arm. His skin is warmer than it was earlier, and you take solace in the fact that he's going to be okay. Maybe not now, but he will be.
Your breaths synchronize with his and you listen to the beeping of the heart monitor as your own heart rate calms down. There's a feeling tugging at your spine, filling you up and threatening to spill over, but you shove it down, knowing it will be too much right now. You don't have the words to describe the emotions circulating through your brain, so you stick with what you know. "I love you." It's quiet, barely a whisper, but you know he can hear you. "Thank you for staying alive."
"You're welcome," he whispers back, his voice barely audible over the monitor. "I love you too."
***
You leave the hospital the next morning with a plan. He's still asleep when you wake up, so you get up carefully and thank the nurses one more time before heading out.
You make two stops on the way to his apartment, and this time, you use your spare key to unlock the front door. The crime scene crew cleaned the blood off the floor, and you told Rossi to get them to spackle the hole in the wall, for at least a temporary fix, but there's still an air about the place. It was just starting to feel like his home, and now it's soiled, once again.
You shut the door behind you and drop your bags to the ground, surveying the place one last time for any damage or mess you missed earlier. When everything seems fine, you get to work.
An hour later, you slump back against the wall and toss the packet of instructions to the ground. In front of you is a freshly installed security system, with a door proximity sensor and keypad for when he leaves the house in a hurry.
You can already hear the arguments coming, but you don't care anymore. You won't be able to sleep knowing he's in here, all alone, without anything to keep Foyet from coming back and finishing the job.
For someone who has as little of a technical background as you do, you're impressed with how quickly you were able to get the system running, and you test it a couple of times, turning it on and off and checking the doors, before you finally pull his door closed and lock it behind you.
***
The doctors don't release him until the end of the week, but once he's able to walk again, he calls you to get him from the hospital. By the time he signs his discharge papers and makes the phone call, you're already almost there, and as much as he hates putting you out on a weekend, he can't help the satisfaction that rumbles through him.
The drive to his apartment is mostly silent, with him just trying to stay still as you take the turns carefully, and drive five under the speed limit. When you arrive, you hold the bag of salves and ointments for him as you take his arm, helping him down the hall and to his front door.
He moves to grab his key, but you stop him with a forceful "Wait!"
"I can unlock my own door," he grumbles, but you just shake your head, taking the key from him and turning it slowly in the lock. The moment it swings open, a loud beeping fills the air, and you rush forward to type something into the keypad by his door. Wait...keypad? "When did tha-"
"Before you argue," you jump in, clearly anticipating his disgruntlement, "it's for me, okay."
He raises an eyebrow and you glare at him, but there's no effort behind it. "I mean, it's obviously for you, but still...it's for my peace of mind too."
You're rambling makes him crack a smile for the first time in days, and he nods slowly. "Okay."
Your mouth snaps shut and you look at him with a meek smile. "Okay."
You help him get settled on the couch, and he waits there as you scrounge up some food from the kitchen. He's not sure he has anything perishable, but you manage to put together a comforting bowl of pasta with jarred tomato sauce that makes him feel a little more at home.
As the evening turns to night, he catches himself glancing at his watch more often than not, and eventually you catch on too.
"Is it time?" you ask, your voice gentle.
After a breath, he nods, and you reach across the coffee table to grab his bag of supplies from the doctor. You lay the salve and extra gauze on the table, and wait for him to make the next move, a decision he accepts gratefully.
He's been injured before. He knows how painful it is to sanitize a wound, and especially one as deep and grotesque as his. He just needs a few moments to accept the fact that he's...scared.
"I can do it," he says once he's ready, before reaching for the salve. The simple motion makes him wince and you jump in right away, grabbing it for him and undoing the top.
"Let me," you whisper, your words somewhere between a statement and a question. "Please."
He can already feel his stitches pulling, just from the simple act of swiveling his body to face you, so he gives in with a quick nod.
He doesn't look at you as he undoes the buttons of his shirt. He's not embarrassed - you've never pitied him, even at his lowest moments - but he needs the semblance of privacy as he exposes his injuries to the open air.
The air feels cold as he pulls his undershirt over his head, and you get to work immediately, peeling back the old layer of gauze as slowly as you can. The sections directly over his wounds stick slightly, and he grits his teeth against the pain as you gently tug them free, making sure to avoid pulling his stitches.
"Do you want a break?" you ask once the gauze has been fully removed. He shakes his head, needing this to be over as soon as possible, but when he meets your eyes, he sees them welling up with tears.
He glances down at his bare torso, his eyes darting over the jagged scars ranging from his stomach to his collarbone. Your breath stutters as you take it in with him, and he looks at you. "He made sure we'd match."
He sees you rapidly blinking away the tears that rush forward, and he wants to comfort you somehow, but he doesn't know what to do. You help him lean back on the armrest, so you can apply the salve around each of his injuries, and as your fingers press into his skin, he can't help but be reminded of his childhood. The pressure of your hands as you wrapped him with bandages, the warmth of your breath when you leaned in to inspect your work.
It's usually a sad memory when he thinks back to his childhood, but with you, it was always good. He watches as you slowly tape the new layer of gauze around his abdomen, and even as tears slide down your cheeks, the way you look at him doesn't change.
"All done," you whisper after pressing on the final pieces of tape. "How do you feel?"
Anxious. Terrified. Lonely. Guilty. "Good. Thank you."
***
"Hey, it's Emily."
"What's up, Em?" you say, your phone pressed between your ear and shoulder as you hop around, trying to get your shoes on before work.
"How was your weekend?"
You pause. "Fine?" The question isn't out of the ordinary, you're just not sure why she called to ask you that when she's going to be seeing you in person in about twenty minutes. "How was yours?"
"Oh, you know." She sounds distracted, and you feel a smile pull at your lips as you realize she's avoiding something.
"Em...is there a reason you called? You know, given that we're both on our way to the same place."
She clears her throat, and you hear the indecision in her voice, even over the phone. "I know this is kind of a weird question, but would you mind if I picked up Hotch for work this morning. I left late last night, so JJ was able to brief me early, and I figured he could use a headstart."
You stop your movements, straightening up and lifting your hand to your cell. It's not at all what you were expecting her to say, but that's not all you're confused about. "Yeah, of course. You don't have to ask me first, though. We're all teammates."
She makes an little noise that you don't recognize. "Yeah...but you two are different."
You don't know what to say to that, so you just wait for her to keep going. Emily was never very good at uncomfortable silences, so after a few moments, she's back. "Anyway...I'll grab Hotch and see you in 30?"
You try to hide your grin, even though no one can see you. "Sounds like it."
"Bye."
The phone clicks off, and you tuck it back into your pocket, still smiling. You're already in a better mood than normal, because after 34 days of medical leave, Aaron comes back to work today.
You finish clasping your shoe and head out the door, more relaxed this time. With Emily picking up Aaron, you're not in a rush anymore. You take the drive at a leisurely pace, and when you arrive at the office, you run into Spencer by the front of the building.
"Wait up!" you call out, jogging over to him before he gets in the elevator. "Let me get that." You slide the strap of his book bag off his shoulder and sling it onto yours. He nods in thanks and tucks his crutch under his arm as he presses the button for your floor.
"I thought I'd be used to the crutches by now, but I keep tripping over everything." You scrunch your brow with amusement as he frowns down at his leg. "The doctors say it's healing well, though."
The elevator doors open and you step in front of him to get the door across the hall. "Does it hurt?"
He shrugs. "It really only hurts when I think about it, which is pretty much all the time."
The statement isn't exactly comical, but his deadpan tone makes you snort as you hold the door, and he smiles as he passes by you. You follow him to Garcia's lair, and she perks up upon seeing the both of you.
"My babies," she grins, pulling out a chair for Spencer. "Sit, sit."
You let out a laugh as you place his bag on the floor next to him. "I'm older than you."
"Who's counting?" she throws back, typing something furiously into her computer. She turns around a moment later, just in time to swat Spencer's hand away from the tin of cookies sitting on her table. "No, no, no."
"What?" he complains, gaping at her.
She swats him again, before pulling the tin away from him. "Get away, you. These are for Hotch."
"Butterscotch?" you ask, glancing down at the box. His preference for butterscotch cookies was something you used to tease him about when you were kids. Butterscotch Hotch.
Penelope nods and lifts the edge of the lid, implicitly offering you a cookie. When you take one, Spencer throws his hands up into the air. "Why does she get one? I get shot in the leg and I still don't get any cookies."
You laugh and break off half of your cookie, which he takes from you the moment it's in your palm. He stuffs the entire thing into his mouth, not bothering to swallow it before he pipes up again. "You know he's gonna hate the attention."
"It's cookies," Garcia pouts, "not cake."
Spencer shrugs. "He's probably gonna pretend like nothing happened, anyway."
"Well, it doesn't mean we have to."
You don't know how to weigh in to this discussion, mostly because you know more about how he's feeling than they do, but also because the idea of speculating on his recovery without him here feels like a betrayal.
"What do you think?"
You look up and realize that Spencer was directing this question to you. Swallowing down the last bit of your cookie, you cough once to clear your throat. "I think he's been through a lot, but sometimes coming back to work is the best way to take your mind off of things. Foyet was in his home. I don't think staring at the same walls that used to have bullet holes in them is exactly healthy either."
Spencer and Penelope both stare at you for a moment, before nodding and looking down. They remind you of two children who have just been reprimanded, and you smile to soften the sentiment. "I love you guys for caring about this, but we just have to trust that he's okay."
"Yeah," Penelope nods, reaching forward to squeeze your hand. "Are you okay? This can't have been easy for you, either."
"I'm fine," you say too quickly. "Nothing happened to me." It's not a lie, exactly. You weren't the one who was stabbed. Nine times. "I've just been keeping him company after work, and helping with some of his post-hospital care checklist."
"He's lucky to have you," Penelope says softly, to which Spencer nods.
"He was great too after I got shot," you add, feeling oddly defensive of your friendship. "He stayed with me for a long time when my dad was gone."
She smiles at you sadly, before holding the tin out for you. "Want another cookie?"
You let out a weak laugh as Spencer chuffs behind you, and you shake your head. "No thanks."
"Do you think he'll like them?" Her voice sounds earnest, and you nod, knowing what it's like to want so desperately to understand someone who's as closed off as he seems at times.
"Spence, Y/N, there you guys are."
You turn around to see JJ, her face lined with tension. "Are you ready for us?"
She nods. "Grab your go bag."
***
He's been erratic all day. When he snapped at Garcia earlier for missing the antipsychotics link, you wanted to throttle him, especially when you remembered the cookies she had waiting for him in her office.
The thought that maybe Spencer was right keeps flashing through your mind as you watch him get frustrated with everyone, including himself. When you all arrive at the Darrin Call's father's house, where he and a young boy he kidnapped are waiting, Aaron instructs Emily to speak with the lieutenant on scene to figure out what you're dealing with.
"The kid's in there," you hear him say, "We've got this. Tactical teams are covering the exits. Call needs a distraction. He's focused on the old man."
Emily glances back at the house as she ties her hair back. "For now. But we're gonna have to figure out the safest way to get that kid out."
"I've got a team in the back and one on the way. We're going to infiltrate."
"You do that and someone else dies."
The man just shrugs. "Either Call or a child murderer...flip a coin."
"It doesn't have to end like that." You can see how hard she's trying to make the lieutenant understand, but sometimes the locals just don't listen. "We get a confession out of Jarvis and he goes away, and Call gets his answers. No one else has to die."
There's movement behind you and you turn around at the last second as Aaron stalks past you and towards the house.
"Hotch," you call out, but he doesn't look back. "Aaron. Aaron!"
He's almost at the front door, and your feet start moving without you realizing it. You make it within a few feet of the front gate before two pairs of arms seize you from behind, halting your momentum.
"Let him go," Dave whispers as he and Derek release you. "We have to trust him."
"He's not thinking straight," you grit out, unable to tear your eyes away from the closed door as you step forward again. He wasn't wearing his vest, and you can't remember if you saw his gun in his holster. You close your eyes, wracking your brain. Think, goddamnit.
Derek grabs you again as you try to make a break for it, anticipating your movements before you even know what you're doing. "Rossi's right. We have to trust him. We can't help him if we rush inside now."
"We can't help him out here either!" Your voice sounds frenzied in your ears, but he doesn't loosen his grip, even as you try to shove him off of you.
"You know we're right." He looks at you sternly, and your resolve diminishes as reason starts to set in. "Going inside will only make it worse."
Emily comes up from behind you and takes your arm, leading you back to the street in front of the house. You back up, but you don't turn around, ready to rush in the moment anything changes.
"What's he doing?" she asks Derek, her voice quiet, like she doesn't want you to hear.
"Stalling," he says simply. "He's got nothing to lose."
Your breath catches and you lift your hand to your chest, clutching the top of your vest like it's a lifeline. You want to scream at them, scream that he has everything to lose. He has a son, and an ex-wife who loves him, and he has you.
"You got the shot?"
"Negative."
He suddenly appears in the front of the door, but you can tell he's angling his body to block the visual of the shot. What is he doing?
The door opens for a split second, and the little boy runs down the porch and into the arms of one of the SWAT members. It shuts as fast as it opened up, and you only manage to see his face for a moment before he disappears into the house again.
For a minute, there's only silence, until the air is pierced with the sound of three gunshots, one after the other. Your body visibly flinches and you throw yourself forward and over the gate, pulling out your gun at the last moment as you breach the front door.
When you storm into the living room, Aaron is putting cuffs on Darrin. The father is dead in his recliner at the center of the room.
"What happened?" Dave asks from behind you.
He purses his lips. "I couldn't stop him." It's then that he finally looks up at you, but all you can do is glare. You don't know if you've ever been angrier in your life, and definitely not at him.
His brow dips with a mix of confusion and remorse, but you just stuff your gun back in its holster, spin around, and stalk out of the house. The fresh air outside feels like a welcome respite from the emotions swirling around inside of you, and you turn your face to the sky as your brain fires off millions of questions at once.
When did he get so reckless?
Is this all because of Foyet? The need to feel like he's getting something done, with his family on lockdown?
He comes out of the house then, and you're practically shaking from the relief that he is okay, but the anger isn't fading. You can feel it flooding your veins with each breath you take.
He hands Call off and approaches you slowly, stopping in front of you with a look you don't recognize.
"This is the job," he says simply, his voice almost cold. "You know what you signed up for."
"I know what I signed up for?" Your face twists with disbelief and you look at him with contempt. "Fuck you, Hotch." His face drops slightly and it only feeds your fight. You know him better than anyone else in this world, and that also means you know exactly how far you can push him until he cracks.
"This is what we do." His voice is tight, and you see your anger reflected in his eyes. "You knew that when you joined the team."
Emily and Dave exit the house, and you can feel their eyes flickering over to you, but you can't bring yourself to care right now.
"No," you grit out, shaking your head. "You don't get to be angry with me. You don't get to say that to me."
He looks at you for a beat before his face falls and you see all the fight leave him. He sighs, his brow pinching. "You're right."
You can practically see the war going on inside his head. The battle between fear and action, where there are no winners.
You nod as you look down at the ground, and he reaches forward to take your hand. He squeezes it tightly, before lifting it to his chest. "Y/N." I love you, I'm sorry.
You nod. "I know." I'm sorry too.
***
You've been looking at the text JJ sent you for the better part of an hour. Something's going on. Strauss was in Hotch's office and it looked bad.
You're reminded of his suspension and the two long weeks you worked here without him, and you internally resolve that it won't be happening again if you have any say at all.
The next morning, you're one of the last people to arrive, and you walk into a conversation that Spencer is having with Emily at his desk.
"You're not gonna believe this," he says, turning to you and lifting his hands dramatically. "Some moron just posted a blog called 'What would Carl Sagan do?' and it's completely illogical."
"L/N, what did I miss?"
You spin around to see Derek strutting into the bullpen, his phone held up in his hand.
"What do you mean?" you ask with a frown.
He looks at you expectantly, and you start to feel like you're on the outside of something you should know. "All the emails from Hotch..."
You yank your phone from your pocket and refresh your email. "I don't have any new ones."
"Me neither," Reid chimes in from next to you.
Derek doesn't wait another moment before he's barreling past you and up the stairs to Aaron's office.
"What was that about?" Spencer asks, a confused look on his face.
"I don't know," you say honestly, "but I think we're gonna find out soon."
~
"You wanted to see me?"
He nods and you step into his office, shutting the door behind you. Ever since his private conversation with Derek this morning, you've been obnoxiously curious about what's been going on with the team, but you also know when not to overstep your boundaries.
"Take a seat." He beckons to the couch on the far wall, and he sits down across from you when you plop down. "We have to talk about something."
"If you say Strauss suspended you again-" He cuts you off with a lift of his hand. You look at him sheepishly and nod. "You were saying..."
"This is going to sound odd, but just hear me out." You're starting to get worried, but he doesn't look anxious, so that's a start. You nod, and he continues. "The bureau thinks that my ability to lead this team has been compromised. They've been questioning me since Foyet's attack, and they're not entirely wrong."
You want to refute this, but you've also been questioning some of his actions as of late. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean that you won't have his back if it comes down to it. "They can't fire you. The whole team will fight back if they even try."
He looks at you with something that resembles concern. Concern? "They won't fire me...because I'm stepping down."
"What?" you burst out, unable to help your volume. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm resigning as unit chief at the end of the week, but I'm not leaving this team."
You think you have an idea of where this is going, but his eyes are still tracking your movements, like they do when he's worried about how you'll react. You don't know how it could get much worse than this, but then you realize he hasn't told you who will be replacing him.
"I told Morgan to take my place until we catch Foyet."
There it is. You don't expect it to sting as much as it does. "Oh."
Your voice sounds small to your own ears, and you clear your throat to keep the emotion out. This isn't a personal decision, it's professional. If Strauss was telling you this now, it probably wouldn't faze you. So why does it hurt coming from him?
"Strauss wasn't happy with your decision to not take the New York position," he explains, his eyes finding yours. "You know I think you deserve more leadership roles. It was her that suggested Morgan for it, and I couldn't argue when she was already so unsure about letting me promote internally."
"I get it," you nod. Your tone a bit sharper than expected, even though you understand where the decision came from. Derek deserves this position too. "I do, I promise."
He raises his eyebrows with a check in, and after a moment, you finally nod. It's okay. We're good.
"I'll see you in the morning?"
You dip your chin. "Good night."
***
"I can't believe Hotch is stepping down."
Penelope, Emily, Spencer, and JJ are all unabashedly watching Derek as he briefs Strauss on the case he chose for today. You've been trying not to look, but every few minutes, something snags your attention.
"Morgan said it's business as usual," Emily adds, her brow furrowed as she watches them converse.
Penelope doesn't seem eased. "So we're just supposed to move forward without any discussion?"
Spencer shrugs. "After Foyet, I think we'd have to be ready for anything."
Derek finishes speaking with Strauss then, and you stand up as he asks Emily to call Rossi for the briefing. He looks official with his ironed button-down, and you can't help but wonder if he's trying to emulate Aaron.
You flash him a cheeky smile as he walks towards the conference room, but he just brushes past you. 
~
Derek steps into his new role effectively, and you even notice him provide extra feedback to everyone throughout the case. Hotch has a bit of a difficult time stepping down at first, but you know it comes from habit, not distrust.
When you're back at the office later that night, you look up to see that he is still in his office, furiously jotting something down, even though his responsibilities have been greatly diminished. You don't know why you expected the demotion to make him want to cut back a bit.
Derek is the only person still in the bullpen when you take a seat again. You finished up the last of your paperwork, so you start to pack up your stuff, but then your interaction from earlier crosses your mind again.
Latching your bag closed, you stand up and perch on the edge of Derek's desk. "Hey, boss, how's the responsibility feel?"
"Fine," he mutters, his tone snippier than you've ever heard it.
"A lot more paperwork than you were expecting, huh?"
He doesn't look at you, so you reach forward to tap the back of his hand. "Derek, come on, what's going on with you?"
You brace for him to snap at you again, but then he just sighs, setting his pen down. "You're not angry with me, right?"
"What?" You don't know where this is coming from, seeing as how he's been the one who's been avoiding you all day. "Why would I be mad at you?"
"Why?" he repeats, his face twisted with disbelief. "I basically stole this position out from under you."
You shake your head forcefully, putting your hand over his on the desk. "Not even close, hon. Anything on my end was bureau politics, but that's just one side of it. You deserve this just as much as I would have. You've even been at the BAU longer than I have."
He's silent for a moment, before he turns his hand under yours and clasps it gently. You give his hand a squeeze before bringing your other one up to his cheek. "You're doing a great job. You were an amazing leader out there today. Hotch picked you well."
Derek leans into your hand for a beat, before letting out another sigh. "Thanks."
"Seriously, Derek," you say with a smile. "This might have been one of his best professional decisions yet."
That makes him laugh, before shaking his head. "Nah, his best decision was bringing you to this team."
Your chest fills with warmth and you lean forward to pull him into a hug. His arms are strong as they wrap around you, and you settle into the hug, turning away from the office light upstairs and trying to ignore the fact that Aaron hasn't looked up from his desk since you started talking.
***
"Agent Hotchner, before you go, there's one final thing I'd like to share with you."
Karl Arnold, the Fox, has been taunting each of you throughout the whole day, and right when you finally thought you were done, he drew you right back in. You follow Hotch and Prentiss back into the interrogation room.
"So you think you found my admirer."
"No," Aaron says simply. "We found the killer."
Arnold grins. "With my help, of course."
"Your admirer is exactly like everyone who contacts you..." Emily sneers, "lost."
Arnold turns to her, and the look in his eyes makes your skin crawl. "My love, your guy is far from lost."
Hotch shakes his head, turning to the door. "We're done."
"So is he." All three of you spin back around, much to his amusement. "'Look at what I have done.' It's quite brilliant, you know?"
"We will find whoever sent you that."
"No, Agent Hotchner, I rather think he's already found you."
Aaron immediately starts flipping through the file on the table, shoving pictures and papers aside as he searches for something. Something about Arnold's tone sends your mind reeling and you grab the journal in front of you and start flipping through it as well.
"What's going on?" Emily asks, coming up behind you.
Arnold just laughs. "He's torturing him."
"Who?"
He ignores her. "It's great to see you squirm, Agent Hotchner."
You reach one of the bookmarked pages, and the symbol that greets you almost makes you drop the journal. "Aaron..."
His eyes snap to your hands as his skin turns white. "Foyet."
The three of you rush out of the interrogation room, accompanied by the disturbing sound of Arnold's laughter echoing behind you.
Just before the door shuts behind you, you hear his final words. "He knew you'd come."
***
The whole team spends days with only one goal in mind: find and capture Foyet. JJ works with you and Garcia to track prescription medications that he would be on given his self-inflicted injuries, and Spencer, Emily, and Aaron put together a geographic profile using the letters from the Fox and the proximity of nearby pharmacies. Derek's role as acting unit chief keeps him busy all on its own, but he manages to keep the team on track as he turns any new cases that come in to other teams.
When JJ returns from a local pharmacy with the discovery that many prescription meds have over-the-counter alternatives, the focus shifts. Garcia narrows down the list, and brings back a list of names that is way too long to feasibly question.
"153 names," you huff, leaning over her shoulder as she scrolls down the list.
Emily frowns. "Well, he's not gonna use his own name."
"What kind of aliases should we be looking for?"
You all consider this, before Derek chimes in. "He could have easily stolen someone's identity."
Hotch shuts that idea down immediately. "No, he's a narcissist in love with his own mythology. He'd use a name connected with the case."
"A victim, maybe," you guess, "or a cop?"
Garcia doesn't find anything on the initial search, but thankfully Spencer suggests another approach. "Guys, Foyet likes things to have meaning to him. The eye of providence, the addresses in blood he wrote on the bus that led us back to him. Maybe he's doing the same thing with the alias."
Emily frowns. "Like an anagram or something?"
Spencer walks over to the white board and writes out George Foyet, before fiddling around with the spellings of possible anagrams. You walk up behind him and follow his movements along the board. "You see something, Spence?"
He shakes his head. "Not yet."
"Spencer," you interrupt as the realization comes to you, "he named himself The Reaper."
He pauses for a beat, before switching over to scrawling out possible anagrams for The Reaper instead. After a moment, he's done. "Peter Rhea."
Penelope is already searching. "There's a Peter Rhea in Arlington."
Rossi nods, a satisfied look on his face. "We found him."
***
Garcia sends out the address of an apartment in his name, and you drive over with Hotch, who doesn't say a word the whole way over. You keep glancing at him, trying to be discreet, but the tension in his posture doesn't fade, even after the breakthrough.
The apartment ends up being empty, but when you all go inside, there's a laptop sitting on the center table. Emily dials Garcia the moment you realize that the files on it are being remotely deleted, and when she hacks in, she comes across a series of surveillance photos that make you gasp out loud. "Oh my god, isn't that-"
"That's the US Marshall protecting my family." His face looks frozen with stress as he dials Marshall Kassmeyer's number. When the call goes to voicemail, Aaron stalks out of the apartment and to the SUVs parked out front. He doesn't wait for you to get in, before he's already driving off.
"Where is he going?" Emily calls out as she exits the building behind you.
"Kassmeyer's house," you say, almost certain that you're correct. With the knowledge that his family is most likely in immediate danger, there is nothing anyone could do to stop him from trying to save them. "I'm gonna follow him."
"Here," Rossi says, tossing his car keys to you. You accept them gratefully and speed off down the road.
~
Kassmeyer is bleeding out when you get to his house. Aaron is already inside, trying to get him to explain what happened, and when he describes how Foyet taunted him and stabbed him, you resist the urge to take Aaron's hand.
"Sam," he says suddenly, leaning over him. "I need to understand. Does he know where Jack and Haley are?"
Your heart rate skyrockets as Kassmeyer mumbles another apology. If Foyet knows where they are, you don't know if any of you will be able to get there in time.
The paramedics rush in then, and they carry Sam out to the awaiting ambulance as he refuses sedation. Aaron runs out after them and throws himself into the back of the ambulance before you can catch up.
~
Without any new leads, there's nowhere for you to go, so you wait out front in your SUV as you wrack your brain for where Foyet would have told Haley and Jack to go. You don't know how long it takes until another agent calls you from the hospital with the news that Marshall Kassmeyer died in surgery.
The news hits you like a ton of bricks. One more body you can attribute to The Reaper. "Is Agent Hotchner there?"
The voice is tinny over the line. "He took one of the SUVs and left a few minutes ago."
"Where?" You can hear how frantic your voice sounds, but you don't care. "Where did he go?"
"I'm not sure," the agent says. "He sped away before anyone could ask."
You hang up the phone and turn the car on, before pulling onto the street and calling the team line. Garcia picks up on the first ring.
"Sam died in surgery," you explain as you turn at the end of the street. "Hotch is already gone, but I'm gonna go to the hospital now in case someone has more info."
"Okay, honey," she says, patching in the rest of the team. When they answer, she repeats your statement, before she gets cut off. "Guys, Hotch is calling Foyet."
"Patch us in," Derek instructs over the line, before going silent. You mute yourself as well, before turning back to the road.
"Agent Hotchner."
Foyet's voice makes you nauseous, and you can practically hear the grin behind his words.
"If you touch her..." Aaron doesn't even finish the threat, but you can feel the rage within it.
"Be gentle, like I was with you?"
Your eyes prick with tears as you remember the scars that are now a permanent fixture on his body. The matching scars. The idea of Haley ending up the same way, or Jack-
"What the hell took you so long?" Foyet complains, his tone playful. "I was beginning to think this phone was dead or something."
Aaron doesn't answer him, and the anger is almost palpable over the line.
"Why so quiet? You usually lash out when you're frustrated."
"I'm not frustrated," he finally responds. "You're more predictable than you think."
"Am I?"
He starts to recount the tale of Foyet's life, weaving in details that you didn't know from his childhood and the pain he was causing before he was even old enough to drive. You suppose this was what all of those late nights at the office were for. You hope they were worth it.
"That's the thing, George," he continues, his voice suddenly softer. It's like he's pleading with him. "This isn't a fairy tale. You don't have to write this story. Haven't you gotten what you wanted?"
There's silence for a few moments, and you can hear your heartbeat in your skull. Eventually Foyet comes back. "You know what I've been thinking? Haley looks pretty good with dark hair."
Your heart falls into your stomach. He has her. He already has her.
"She's lost some weight. Must be all the stress you caused her."
Just when you think that might be the worst of it, he continues. "Where's the little man? Oh. There he is. Does he like Captain America because of you?"
He has them both. You can barely see the road through the anger and fear that is coursing through your veins. Another phone rings and Foyet answers it, leaving his line with Hotch on as well. "Mrs. Hotchner. I'm here. Open the gate and I'll drive in."
You can't hear her reply, before Foyet returns to the call you're listening to. "Aaron? I really gotta go."
The call disconnects, and you can't breathe. Open the gate. The gate. What gate?
Think, think, goddamnit think.
The answer hits you like a truck. "His house. They're at his old house."
Emily whispers something that sounds like "shit" and you swerve across the lanes to make a u-turn. "I'm heading there now."
Assuming Aaron was already heading back after leaving the hospital, he would reach the house before any of you. You can only hope he'll be there in time.
Your knuckles have turned white from how hard you're gripping the steering wheel, and when Garcia patches you all in for another call from Foyet, the tears are already flowing down your cheeks.
"Aaron?"
It's Haley's voice. You gasp out loud from the relief that she's still alive.
"You're okay?" She sounds so scared, but at least she's alive. That's all you can focus on right now.
Aaron answers with a defeated sigh. "I'm fine."
"But...he said that..." The realization hits her, and she lets out a small sob. "Oh, Aaron."
"He can hear us, right?"
"Yes."
His voice is softer then, wet with tears. "I am so sorry. Haley, show him no weakness, no fear."
"I know." Of course she does. She was married to a profiler for years. She knows what all of this means, but she doesn't deserve any of it. "Sam told me all about him. Is he, uh..."
"No," he says gently. "Sam is fine."
Foyet's voice is like the hiss of a snake as it joins the call. "Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. Is that why your marriage broke up, because you're a liar?" His voice is too close to the phone. You want to scream for him to get away from her, but you're not supposed to be listening, and your car isn't moving fast enough.
"He's trying to scare you, Haley." His voice is trembling, and you can hear the tightness behind each of his words.
When Foyet mentions the deal, your stomach roils with nausea. You can picture the exact look on Aaron's face as he blames himself for this entire situation, even though it's happening to him, not because of him.
"Don't react."
Haley's voice is shaking too as she whispers, "What is he talking about?"
"Tell Jack I need him working the case."
"What?" She sounds confused, and that's when you remember the signal he told you about. The words that only Jack knows that are meant to keep him safe from situations exactly like this.
"Tell Jack I need him working the case," he repeats, his voice steadier. But all of it goes away the moment Haley hands her son the phone.
"Hi, Daddy."
"Hi, buddy." His voice cracks and you feel your heart crack with it. The tears are rushing down your cheeks now, and you wipe them out of your eyes with the back of your hand as you get closer to the house. But not close enough.
Aaron tells him to work the case again, and he gives Haley a hug before rushing out of the room.
"He's so cute. He's like a little junior G-Man." Foyet chuckles, before yelling out. "I'll be right up, Jackie boy!"
Aaron ignores him, and you feel his focus return. "Is he gone?"
"Yes." Haley's voice is strong, and you release a single sigh of relief as you press the gas pedal down as hard as you can.
Aaron's voice returns and you can hear the anguish as he speaks. "You're so strong, Haley. You're stronger than I ever was."
"You'll hurry, right?" The fear in her voice breaks your heart, and you want to assure her that you're all doing everything you can, but you're still a few streets away.
"I know you didn't sign on for this."
Neither did you.
She echoes your thoughts. "Neither did you."
His voice breaks into a sob. "I'm sorry for everything."
"Promise me that you will tell him how we met and how you used to make me laugh."
"Haley..."
"He needs to know that you weren't always so serious, Aaron." Her words sound so final, and you can't imagine what Foyet is pointing at her right now, but you can only hope that Aaron gets there before it's too late. "I want him to believe in love, because it is the most important thing. But you need to show him." She sounds almost resolute, and your body floods with hope for a split second. "Promise me."
His breathing is ragged as he whispers, "I promise."
Three gunshots ring out and the wheel jerks in your hand as a painful sob wrenches from your throat. No, no, no.
~
You race out of your car the moment you pull to a stop in front of the house. There's only one other SUV outside, and you don't give yourself a moment to think as you rush inside, lifting your gun at the last second.
The front foyer is empty, but then a jagged thumping fills the air and you dart around the corner to find Aaron beating Foyet to a pulp. You can tell from where you're standing that he's already dead, but that doesn't seem to matter to him.
"Aaron!" you yell, hoping to break his reverie. His hands are covered in blood as he pounds the man's face in, and he doesn't look up until you grab him from behind and yank his arms back. "Aaron, he's dead. He's dead."
He stops moving, and for one single second, everything is still. Then his body pitches forward and he breaks down as he sobs, his hands coming up like he's begging for the pain to go away.
You clutch him as tightly as you can, like if you hold him close enough, he won't fall apart. You can hear the voices of your teammates as they enter the house, but then his head lifts and he pulls himself up, dashing down the hall. You follow after him, rushing past Morgan and Rossi, and you realize where he's going in real time as he runs into his office and kneels down beside his desk.
Please, please, not him. Just not him. He opens the cabinet and you all share a gasp of relief as Jack's little face peeks out, his skin unmarred.
"I worked the case, Daddy. Just like you said."
Aaron reaches in and picks him up, before squeezing him tightly, his little face glancing around the room in confusion.
"You did a great job, buddy." He releases him after a few moments, before handing him off to JJ to go outside and away from the carnage littering the house. You press a kiss to his forehead before she lifts him up and walks out of the room.
Emily looks at you then, concern flashing in her eyes, but you just nod, and she follows JJ, pulling the door closed behind her.
You turn back around just in time to catch Aaron as he collapses to the floor. The weight sends you both to your knees, and he crushes you to him as you hold him as tightly as you can. His sobs mix in with your own, and you try not to let your body shake from the force of your crying, because you need to be strong for him.
He buries his face into your neck, his tears mixing with the blood on his face as it soaks your shirt and vest.
"I'm so sorry," you whisper into his hair. It doesn't feel like enough, but there's nothing else to say. "I'm so sorry."
~
Derek and Emily come back with the paramedics eventually to take him outside to check for injuries, and you're about to follow after them when something catches your eye. A pair of feet invade your periphery as you glance through a doorway down the hall. Oh god.
Your knees buckle and Derek catches you before you stumble forward into her room. You fall to your knees beside her, and you vaguely hear Emily whisper something behind you before there's just silence.
Her eyes are already closed, and if you really wanted to, you could try to pretend that she was just sleeping, but there's too much blood. You reach out to push her short hair back from her forehead, so that you can see her face one last time. One last time.
A sob rips out of you and you take her hand, pressing it to your lips. The scene is suddenly too much, and you close your eyes before letting out a shaky breath. You don't know what your life is going to look like without her presence. What Aaron's life with look like, or Jack's.
You squeeze her hand again before laying it on her stomach, and Emily comes forward then to help you up. Derek holds the door open as she leads you outside, and helps you tear your vest off the moment you hit the fresh afternoon air.
You bend over, hands on your knees, gulping back fresh air and trying not to throw up. Emily pats your back as you take in deep breaths, rubbing comforting circles that help to calm down your heart rate.
When you look up, you spot Aaron sitting on the edge of an ambulance. The medics are cleaning his cuts, and one of them is holding an ice pack to his head, when you walk over to survey the damage.
He doesn't look up when you approach, instead staring at his bloody hands with a look you can't discern. You can't imagine what he must be thinking right now, but if you know him at all, you know that sometimes you don't need to talk.
You reach down and take his hands, holding them in yours with a tight grip that forces him to look at you. Neither of you says anything, but it's okay, because there is nothing left to say. There will be soon, but not right now.
***
"We'll be back in a couple of hours," Jess tells you as she slings her purse over her shoulder.
You nod at her as you pick Jack off the ground and swing him up into your arms. "Take your time. We'll be hanging out here."
Aaron beckons for Jess to walk out in front of him before he dips his chin at you. "Thank you again."
"Of course," you smile, shaking your head. They're going to make the last arrangements for the funeral, and the absolute least you can do is watch Jack while they're away.
"Can we watch cartoons?" Jack asks the moment the front door shuts behind them.
"Soon, baby," you laugh lightly, before placing him on the ground and leading him to the kitchen. "We gotta make lunch first."
You throw together two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and bring them to the breakfast table, where Jack is obediently scribbling away at his coloring book. "Here you go, Jack-o-lantern."
He takes a massive bite before you can sit down, but over the next ten minutes, he only manages to finish about half of the sandwich. "I'm done."
"You sure?" you ask, scrunching your face into a playful frown. "I think you got at least a couple more bites in you."
He shakes his head forcefully, before dropping the sandwich onto his plate. You know he doesn't usually eat much, but he hasn't eaten since breakfast hours ago. "Come on, hon, at least another big bite."
"No!" he yells, pushing the plate away from him. Before you can stop him, he jumps off of his chair and races out of the kitchen, towards his bedroom.
You hear the door slam shut behind him, and you heave out a sigh before clearing away both of your plates and wiping down the counter. You don't fault him for anything, you just can't believe he has to go through something like this.
He's so young. Younger than you were when you lost your mom. There's some comfort in the fact that he likely won't remember this pain when he's older, but then comes the nausea. The sickening reminder that one day he'll forget about her. Haley, his mother, your best friend's wife, your friend.
You slowly make your way to his room, knocking on the door twice before calling out his name. When he doesn't answer, you twist the knob and gently open the door. "Jack?"
He doesn't say anything as you cross the room and sit on the floor in front of him. He's fiddling around with a set of colorful wooden blocks, and he only looks at you once you pick one up yourself. The edges have been worn smooth from being tossed around, and you run your fingers against them as you wait for him to speak.
"Did Mommy want to leave?"
You can practically hear your heart crack in two as the block falls from your hand. Tears spring to your eyes, but you blink them back, not wanting to scare him.
"No, baby, no," you say quickly, reaching forward to rub your thumb over his cheek. "She loved you more than anything in this world."
He still doesn't look convinced, so you rest your palms on his cheeks, trying to get him to look at you. "If it was her choice, she would have never left you."
After a moment, his lips jut out into a pout, but he nods once. "Is Daddy gonna leave too?"
The tears rush forward again. You want to tell him that Aaron would never leave him, that he may be gone most nights until after Jack is asleep, and sometimes even before he's up for breakfast, but he would never leave. But you also know that Haley didn't want to either, but sometimes the job takes more than you're willing to give. "He's not going to leave you. Not if he can help it."
That seems to calm him down for the time being, so you take his hand and lead him back to the living room. Once he's situated on the couch, you switch on his cartoons for him, turning the volume down low.
He settles into the cushion next to you, his arm resting on your thigh as he focuses on the screen in front of him, while your eyes wander down to the small tv stand. They land on a framed photo of Haley and Jess together, smiling at the camera as the sun shines down on their faces, and you lift your hand to your mouth to stifle the tears that rush forward.
When your eyes pan over to the photo of you and her, with Aaron and Jess right behind you, the tears stream down your cheeks, and you wipe them away quickly, trying to be quiet so as not to call away Jack's attention. But the cartoons are too quiet, and when a small sob escapes, Jack looks up, his brow furrowing with a look reminiscent of his father. "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay, baby," you nod, forcing a smile onto your face as you look down at him and press a kiss to his temple. "I just loved your mom very much."
***
The ground is still wet from the rain. It squelches beneath your feet as Jess clutches onto your arm, letting you lead her across the cemetery for the service.
You walk behind the pallbearers as they bring Haley to the top of the open grass and set her down carefully with a reverence that brings tears to your eyes again. You don't know if your eyes have been dry at any moment today, but the tears haven't spilled over yet. It's only a matter of time.
Aaron is ahead of everyone, looking down at the small sheet of paper in his hands, with Jack by his side. The young boy looks so small in his suit, and his eyes dart around the procession with a mix of confusion and sadness that pierces your chest.
When Aaron is ready to begin, Jessica lets go and walks up to stand on his other side, tears streaming silently down her cheeks. Your arm feels cold where she used to be, but it doesn't last long as another hand takes its place. You turn your head to see Spencer, one hand on his cane, and the other on your arm, as he holds you tightly to his side, his eyes brimming with tears as well. You don't expect that there's a dry eye in the crowd.
Aaron starts his speech with a quote, but the steadiness in his voice starts to waver the moment he says her name. "Haley was my best friend since we were in high school."
You remember how fiercely he loved her, even back then. The tenacity with which he pursued her when he realized that she was someone he wanted to spend his life with.
His voice continues as his eyes dip down. "We certainly had our struggles, but if there's one thing we agreed on unconditionally, it was our love and commitment to our son Jack." Your tears surface again, but you suck them back with a deep breath. "Haley's love for Jack was joyous and fierce. That fierceness is why she isn't here today."
Aaron looks up then, and his eyes land on the casket in front of him. "A mother's love is an unrivaled force of nature. And we can all learn much from the way Haley lived her life."
His hand flexes at his side, and you wish desperately that you were up there with him, holding his hand like he held yours when your mother died.
"I will make sure that Jack grows up knowing who his mother was and how she loved and protected him and how much I loved her."
His voice breaks and he reaches into his pocket for the scrap of paper he was looking at earlier. "I met Haley at the tryouts of our high school's production of 'The Pirates of Penzance'. I found our copy of the play and was looking through it the other night, and I came upon a passage that seemed appropriate for this moment."
The quote comes back to you as he recites it, and your mind flashes back to those adolescent afternoons when you would watch him make a fool of himself trying to impress Haley at play practice. You can't help yourself as the tears finally fall, and you feel Spencer squeeze your hand tightly, acting as the lifeline you so earnestly need.
When he finishes his speech, everyone comes forward to place white roses on her casket before it is lowered into the ground. You wait as the crowd slowly dissipates, as everyone heads to the repast, and you hold Jess's hand while Aaron picks Jack up, holding him tightly.
"Blow Mommy a kiss," he whispers, before leaning over to let Jack place a rose on the casket.
His brow furrows as he straightens again, and you watch as the familiar stoicism returns to his posture. He isn't pushing all of his emotions down, exactly. He's just tucking them away, so as to be there for his son, who needs a solid figure in his life, now more than ever.
And that's what he'll be.
***
The repast is bustling with people from all eras of Haley's life, and you sit with the team at a large table, staring at your plate of food. When Dave pulls Aaron outside to talk, you watch them leave, noting the stiffness in his shoulders as he's forced to leave Jack with Jess again. She has been nothing but grateful to see her nephew more often than usual, but nonetheless, he wears his guilt like a jagged scar across his face.
Penelope clutches your hand under the table and you give her a weak nod, unable to do more with all of the energy drained from you.
"It was a beautiful service," Emily says, her eyes big and soft as they look at you.
You nod again, before turning back to your full plate. You can't bear the thought of stomaching any food right now.
Then just when you think the day can't get any worse, Derek and JJ's phones chirp with a message at the same time. No. No.
"They can't be calling us in," Emily sighs, her lips thinning, "not tonight."
JJ shakes her head. "I'm on it." She returns from her phone call a minute later with a forlorn look. "There's no other team available."
Derek gets up with a sigh. "I'll get Rossi."
When he returns with Dave, leaving Aaron alone on the deck, you squeeze Penelope's hand before walking outside. The air is cold, and you wrap your shawl tighter around your shoulders as you approach him.
"It's okay," he says before you can open your mouth. "I'll see you when you get back."
Mind reader, you think for a split second.
He has already given you the blessing you assumed you needed when you came out here, but it still doesn't feel right. "I don't want to go."
"It's your job," he shrugs. Like it's that simple. "It's okay."
"Are you sure?" You won't be able to do your job with him here, but even less so if you're feeling guilty the whole time. "I can take time off."
"No," he says quietly, shaking his head. He looks out into the night air, and you take his hand, squeezing it between both of yours. "It'll be good for me to have some time with Jack."
You can understand that. You pull him into a hug, before dipping your chin into a nod and leaving him out there again.
***
His return to work hasn't been easy. When Strauss gave him the option to retire with full pension and benefits, it should have been an easy decision, but something was tugging at his gut, telling him that would be the wrong choice.
Now he's sitting in his office, and all of his recent life choices are swirling around him like a hurricane ready to close in. He misses Jack like he's missing a limb, and he feels terrible for how often he's been relying on Jess to take care of him, even though she readily offered her help.
His emotions are a tumbling mess, and he doesn't notice that his fingers have been tapping the edge of his desk until you enter his office.
"Coffee?" He looks up with a nod, accepting the steaming cup you hand him, before you flop down on the couch across from him. "What are you thinking about?"
He swallows back a scalding gulp that likely scorched his throat on the way down. He wants to push his emotions down and say something quippy that won't distract you for more than a few moments, but tonight he needs reassurance more than he's willing to admit. "Did I come back too early?"
He expects an immediate and bombastic denial, but you just sit there, stirring your black coffee as you tuck your legs under you. "I can't decide that for you."
It's a diplomatic answer, but he needs guidance, and he doesn't have anyone else to go to. Not that he would go to anyone else even if he did. "Do you think I'm jeopardizing the team by being here?"
This time, the answer is immediate. "Of course not. You've been doing your job effectively, and no one can say otherwise."
He pauses for a moment, ruminating over your words. He knows he's not asking the right questions. He's just delaying until he has to accept what he's feeling.
With a shaky breath, he sets his coffee down and looks at you. "Am I jeopardizing my family by being here?"
Your brows pinch. "Jack will be okay. He's young, and he'll miss you, but you're his hero, Aaron. He loves you because you keep him safe."
"But I'm never home." His voice sounds ragged to his own ears, and he's certain you can hear the pain clawing out of his throat. "How am I doing my job as a father if I'm never there?"
"Aaron," you whisper, drawing his eyes back to yours. "You're keeping him safe by catching the bad guys. He knows that. And that's what he needs." You fix him with a look that makes his back straighten. "Okay?"
After a moment, he nods. "Okay."
***
"Hi, Hales."
You sink down onto the bench in front of her headstone, before pulling the baggie of peach rings you brought from your pocket. They were the only candy you liked from your high school's vending machine, and the two of you would share them between classes during your senior year.
"I should've come sooner, but work's been really busy."
You've only visited her once since the funeral six months ago, and you wish you could've come by more, but sometimes being here is just too much. It's too stark of a reminder that she's never coming back.
You pop another peach ring in your mouth, before breaking into a grin. "Jack's growing up so fast. He's so resilient, it's amazing." He has already adjusted to living in his father's apartment full time, and he seems to like hanging out with you or Jess whenever he's stuck at work late. "I wish you could be here to see it all."
You wish for a lot of things these days. The loss seems to keep piling up, and you don't know what to do or how to feel most of the time, but time keeps passing. And with it, so does the grief.
"Aaron's starting to get better too." You don't know what you believe, but a part of you suspects she knows all of this already. "The transition back was hard on all of us, but he doesn't look as defeated all the time anymore." Your lip twitches. "He even smiles at my jokes sometimes."
You swear you hear her laughter over the rustling of the wind, but it's probably just in your head. "Anyway, I just wanted to come see you. Let you know how much we miss you."
You stand up, grabbing the bouquet from next to you, and walk over to the headstone. Without thinking, you reach into your bag of candy and drop a peach ring into the dirt. It feels juvenile, even as you're doing it, but you can't help yourself. She would find it funny. You know she would.
You tuck the rest into your pocket and walk across the grass to another row of stones. It's not a quick stroll, but it gives you enough time to take a few deep breaths before you face him again.
Jeff Adler. The letters jump out at you like flashing lights, and you blink a few times as the magnitude of your loss washes over you. So many lives, so much love and warmth gone from your life.
Bending down, you place the bouquet of carnations in front of his headstone, before kissing your fingertips and pressing them to his name.
***
"You've got to be kidding."
He just shrugs, but there's a small smile tugging at his lips. You make sure to keep your voice down as you toss your cards into the center pile and lean back against the bottom of his couch.
After putting Jack to bed, neither of you could think of anything quiet to do until Aaron pulled out a deck of cards from below the tv stand.
"I hate that you're so good at this," you grumble, watching as he deftly splits the deck and starts shuffling again. This being Go Fish.
"You're good, too," he concedes, flashing you an amused look that you don't share.
"Yeah, but you're better."
"As with most things."
You throw a card at him, but he dodges it easily. When he's finished shuffling, he deals out a card, before pausing. "We can play something else if you don't think you can beat me."
"Just deal the cards."
He lets out a low laugh and deals out another card, just as both of your cellphones chirp at the same time. You share a look before dropping the cards on the table. He stands first and gives you a hand up, which you accept.
"I'll call Jess," you whisper as he strides over to his bedroom to get his go-bag. You dial her quickly, and get the confirmation that she's coming over, before grabbing your own bag and heading out to his car.
***
"Sorry to ruin your night."
Everyone is in casual clothing when you walk into the briefing room with Aaron on your heels. JJ shoots you an apologetic look which quickly turns to surprise when Rossi walks in wearing a full tux.
"What, are you working on, wife number 4?" Derek laughs as he sets his bag down.
Dave just grumbles. "I see you people way too much."
"I hear that," you grin before taking your usual seat between Aaron and Spencer.
"Let's get started." JJ hands out the case files and clicks the screen on. "All right. Anchorage field office is asking us to investigate a series of murders in Franklin, Alaska. There's 3 people dead in less than a week."
You scan the file as fast as you can, but Spencer beats you to it. "For a town with a population of 1,476, that's fairly significant."
JJ nods. "It's their first murder investigation on record."
"Who are the victims?" Dave asks, his eyes darting back and forth between the file and the screen.
JJ looks down at her notes. "Uh, Jon Baker, a hunter. Dedaimia Swanson, a schoolteacher. Brenda Bright, the first mate on a fishing boat. There's a new victim every 2 days."
Everyone seems to be thinking the same thing, but Emily gives it a voice. "Any connections?"
"Unfortunately, in a town this small, everyone's connected."
When JJ finishes up the briefing, Aaron stands up and grabs his bag. "We'll fly out tonight. Everybody can sleep on the plane. Garcia, I need you with us."
She shoots him a confused look. "Sir?"
"I've tasked a satellite uplink and it's your job to keep us connected."
"Yes, sir."
"This town's already on the brink," he continues with a sigh, "and if this pattern continues, we've only got another day until the next murder. Let's finish this fast."
***
After barely getting any sleep on the plane ride over, and a long day in the cold, the team holes up in the lobby of a local inn, warming up around the fire.
"I'm gonna pull an all-nighter," Garcia announces when you stifle a yawn behind your fist. "I'll finish going through the town records. Should have background checks by sunrise."
"Good," Aaron nods, sitting up on the couch. "The rest of us should get some sleep, start fresh in the morning."
At his suggestion, the innkeeper steps out from behind her desk. "I've got four of the upstairs rooms available."
"Uh, 4?" Spencer squeaks, his eyes darting around the room.
"Come on," the sheriff sighs as he stands up, "that's the best we can do. Your team is double the size of my department." He glances at Aaron and they share a nod. "I'll see you in the morning."
"Good night."
The sheriff walks out of the inn and you lean back on the couch, turning your head to the side to look at Aaron. The question in your eyes is implicit. What's the plan?
"It looks like we'll have to double up," Emily answers for you, her lips stretching into a grin.
Derek speaks up immediately. "I'm not sleeping with Reid."
Penelope reaches over and grabs Derek's arm. "Dibs."
Emily and JJ stand together and head upstairs, and you glance at Aaron with a nod. "Let's find one of the double rooms before Emily snags it."
"Guess it's you and me, kid," Dave says to Spencer as you grab a key from the front desk and pick up your bag. The inn is so small that all of your rooms end up being in the same hallway. You leave the door open behind you as you step inside and toss your bag onto the nearest bed.
Aaron enters after you and locks the door, before wordlessly moving your bag to the other bed, away from the door. It takes you less than a second to realize why. His protective nature was always strong, but over the past year, it has kicked into overdrive, especially around you and Jack.
"Do you want first shower?" you ask as you unzip your bag and pull out a tee shirt and some sleep shorts.
"You take it," he says, shaking his head. The chilliness of the outside air hasn't left your bones, so you don't wait for him to change his mind before grabbing your toiletries and rushing into the bathroom.
While you're in the shower, Aaron takes his time fluffing out the comforter and pillows on his bed. The room itself isn't very spacious, but he doesn't mind sharing with you. The close quarters remind him of his youth when he would sneak into your room late at night to get away from his family. Just the sight of the lights through your bedroom window used to bring him peace. When he glances over at your side of the room, a tranquility washes over him, and he realizes that the feeling hasn't really gone away.
"Your turn," you say a little later when you emerge from the bathroom. Your skin is still slightly damp, and your cheeks are pink from the heat of the shower, and he has to tear his eyes away as he nods and steps around you.
The tiny mirror in the bathroom is still steamy when he shuts the door behind him and pulls off his shirt, and he lifts his hand to wipe it off, before pausing. His scars aren't something he likes to think about often, but after saving Jack, they took on a different image in his mind. He felt less like a victim.
He rubs his hand against the mirror to wipe off some of the condensation, and his reflection looks tense as it stares back at him. Back in the room, your presence felt warm and comfortable, but in here, with the steam fogging up the glass, and the scent of your perfume lingering in the air, something else roils in his gut.
It's a not-so-unfamiliar feeling that used to be commonplace when he was younger. It hadn't reared its head in years, but lately, it's been so much harder to push it down. When he sees how much his son loves you, how much he looks forward to finding you in his apartment when he gets back from a late meeting. It's been...hard.
He turns on the shower and steps in, letting the hot water wash away the notions tickling the edge of his brain. When he walks back into the room, you are tucked into your bed, the covers up to your chin.
"You look like a burrito," he notes with a small laugh.
You shrug, though it's barely visible from under the comforter. "I find this is the best way to keep out the Arctic chill that seems to have invaded our lodgings."
"Fair enough."
He slides into his own bed and clicks the switch on the wall to turn the lights off. He tries to sleep for a few minutes, but even though he's exhausted, it won't come.
It's dark enough that he can't see his fingers in front of his face, but the uneven sounds of your breathing let him know that you're still awake.
"You should really sleep," he whispers into the darkness.
"You first," you say after a moment, before your voice lowers. "How are you doing? How are you holding up, I mean."
"How are you doing?" he asks, knowing he's being unfair.
You don't let it slide this time. "You're deflecting."
"I know."
There's a pause before he finally concedes. "I think I'm okay. The normalcy is coming back, and Jack is doing a lot better, which helps immensely."
"Me too," you say after a beat.
He wants to let the subject go and try to sleep, but the words are pulling at his throat. "I miss her all the time."
"Me too," you repeat. You huff out a husky laugh, but there's no humor behind it. "God, me too."
There's a tinge of bitterness in your voice that he recognizes in himself, but it's not something he knows if he can explain. He remembers how a small part of you blamed Jeff after his death, but that's nothing like what he's feeling. He blames himself for everything but the act itself, knowing that if he had just gotten there quicker, or taken the deal, or taken the transfer-
His breath catches and he hears you rustle under your covers. He imagines you turning to face him, and as his eyes slowly adjust he sees that he was right.
"Do you remember that time in high school," he says suddenly, not entirely sure where he's going with this, "when I got detention."
"I'm gonna need you to be more specific."
He laughs, in spite of himself, and turns over to face you as well. You're so far away, but he can just barely make out your face from across the room. "When you broke me out."
Your laughter is sudden and it echoes around the small room as the memory hits you. "I do remember that. I told them your grandfather was in the hospital so that they would let you out. God, Mrs. Parker was so upset when she went to get you."
"I think my favorite part of the story was that both of my grandfathers died before I could walk."
You chuckle, your voice softer now. "I know."
His chest warms at the memory of the two of you running out to your car and driving to get a scoop of chocolate at your favorite ice cream shop. Even afterwards, you had driven around town for hours, without a complaint, and he hadn't mentioned the time once. It was so soon after his dad's death, and he hated going home for so many reasons. Sean hated him, and his mother was sad all of the time, and it was like you just knew.
"You were good at reading me," he whispers, almost to himself.
"Were good?" you ask with mock offense.
He snorts. "Fine, are good at reading me."
"That's more like it."
***
You drop your empty glass back on the table, feeling the burn of the liquor as you swallow it down. It's your second drink of the night, and while you usually don't indulge in more than one, you welcome the chance to let loose.
Everyone else seems to be in the same mindset, because JJ, Emily, and Penelope are in various states of drunkenness around the booth, and the men are either nursing a drink or driving.
"Let's dance," JJ shrieks, lifting her head off of Will's shoulder and pushing herself up from the booth.
"Hell yeah," Emily grins, pulling you and Penelope up with her.
JJ tries to corral the guys to join, but they all stay firmly seated. Dave and Will look content as they sip their whiskey, and Spencer doesn't budge, citing his leg hurting (a lie). After a bit of targeted shoving, Derek chuckles and gets up for one dance, following Penelope and JJ onto the dance floor.
"Aaaaaron," you slur, tugging his arm. He doesn't move even an inch, but the corner of his lip twitches when you don't give up.
"You used to dance in college," you point out with a frown.
Emily hoots as she saunters over to the floor. "This I need to see."
Aaron just shakes his head with a smile, and you eventually oblige, joining the ladies (and Derek) for a few dances. The dark atmosphere of the club has you feeling looser than you have in a long time, and after the next song, you join Dave over at the bar to get another drink.
You down half of it before you leave the counter, and by this point, JJ has coaxed Will out of his seat, while Spencer rushes off to find the bathroom. The tiredness hits you as soon as you finish the drink, and when you spot Aaron by himself at the booth, you glide back to keep him company.
He doesn't notice you at first as you walk over to him, and you can't help but register that he looks good in his undone button-down. You take another step forward and a thin glint of metal around his neck becomes visible. A jolt of heat shoots down your body and you set your glass down on a nearby table without looking as you approach him.
When you reach the edge of the bench, someone walking by bumps into you and you stumble forward. Aaron grabs onto you as you fall forward, and you end up crushed in his arms, your face just inches from his. Your thoughts cut out and you don't make a sound, your breaths coming out in quick spurts.
Neither one of you moves as you look at each other, so so close, so much closer than you've ever been, than you've ever gotten to be. The faintest impression of a thought - the thought - crosses the deepest edges of your mind as you lean in infinitesimally. He doesn't notice, and you barely register it either, but you can't help but notice how easy it would be to just close the gap and kiss him.
Kiss him?
Your brain short-circuits and you just barely manage to keep your eyes from widening. You have no idea where that came from, but then again, if you are honest with yourself, it has always been there, buried deep down beneath years of friendship and history.
The question invades your brain again, and this time, you're unable to stop it. What would it be like to kiss him?
You can't keep your breath from catching, and he pulls back immediately, tugging you to the side and depositing you on the booth beside him.
Your mouth falls open as you try to meet his eye. "Aaron-"
His head turns and he stands up, his eyes dark under the soft lighting. "I'm sorry."
Before you can get another word out, he's gone.
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nijigasakilove · 4 days
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Well it’s been a pleasure watching peak villainess with yall on a weekly basis. I’m gonna miss Rishe and Arnold so much, but onto the LN we go
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Awesome finale, everything that makes this series great rolled into one. Rishe using Michel’s own logic against him and showing him that poison can indeed bring happiness in the form of fireworks was beautiful. The teacher becomes the student. Even though Michel had bad intentions these last couple eps, it’s a testament to how close he and Rishe were in that previous life that she still had nothing but love and adoration for him.
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They really played with our expectations last week by making it look like Arnold completely rejected the tech sharing agreement with Coyolles. Turns out all of our fears were unfounded and Kyle’s got himself an ally. Thanks in no small part to Rishe’s negotiations. Little by little the future is definitely changing.
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Rishe in her previous lives would’ve jumped at the chance to study under Michel, but right now her priority is learning more about Arnold and of course preventing the war. What’s crazy to think is that after 12 eps, we still don’t know much about him! Definitely a set up for reading the LN if I’ve ever seen one. So much about his motivations and backstory remains a secret.
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Omg the ring scene was EVERYTHING. Rishe begging Arnold to put the ring on her finger, him getting down on one knee and asking for permission, raaaaah we won 😭. “I’m not holding my breath, I’ve simply forgotten how to breathe is all” 😩 she damn near turned as red as a tomato there. Without a doubt cutest girl of the season. Don’t think I’ve seen Arnold smile like that yet, and I don’t blame him. I would’ve folded and done anything she asked in that moment too.
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VERY cute that the one thing Rishe asks for is to go on a trip with Arnold and see the things that he thinks are beautiful. If only she knew all she has to do is look in the mirror lol. Awesome finale I’m going to miss the two of them so much on Sundays, but thankfully the story is far from finished in the books.
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review:
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my-mt-heart · 5 months
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Where's Daryl?
This was very difficult to write. It opened up a lot of old wounds for me, so if you read this, thank you. If my thoughts on this show haven’t been your cup of tea, that’ll most definitely be the case here as well, so maybe just move along. ***Trigger warning for discussion of childhood abuse***
For about a year and a half, Caryl fans asked Where's Carol? as a pointed reminder that the spinoff was always meant to be hers just as much as it was Daryl’s. Even though she's back now, her fans didn't always know she would be (nor did the EP's 🙄) so her absence during filming and promotion of the first season was a heavy burden to bear. The irony is, though “Daryl Dixon” sticks out like a sore thumb in that ridiculous font, he's the one who feels absent sometimes, as if important parts of his character development were lost when he washed ashore while other parts come and go as the plot demands.
Zabel talks about swapping Daryl's iconic vest for "old man" suspenders as a matter of pragmaticism i.e. they were the only clean clothes available. Norman says it was a choice he wanted for some unclear reason, but neither of them seem to consider the intelligence of their audience, particularly Carylers, to see it more symbolically. The costume change is our visual reminder that Daryl isn't himself. In some scenes he's chattier than he should be, far more trusting of strangers with personal details, and far more theatrical. Then in others, the differences are even more alarming. He calls a child cruel names, puts his hands on him, and feels conflicted about returning home to his family, to the woman he said he loved.
I mentally prepared myself for retcons, but the one I'm struggling with a lot right now, which I haven't seen anyone bring up yet, is the retcon of Daryl’s childhood abuse. Daryl tells Isabelle that he and Merle had to take apart engines and if they couldn't put them back together, their dad wouldn't let them have dinner. It's a milder version of the stories the scars on his back tell us, though I can buy Daryl omitting the worst of it like he did in the pilot. What I can't buy is Daryl saying his dad was "hardly ever" around and emphasizing it as the main source of his pain growing up. It feels contradictory for one thing. When we see Daryl's scars for the first time in S3 of the flagship show, it's implied Daryl was trapped in an environment that enabled his dad to physically hurt him often. Presumably that's why Merle felt guilty about leaving him behind. The revelation also seems like it's only intended to highlight the consequences of an absent father figure, explaining Daryl's fear of not making it home, but also justifying his "close" bond with Laurent. The best stories allow a character's emotions to drive the plot, but this just does the opposite, twisting Daryl's backstory to fit the current narrative.
Daryl's backstory made so many people root for him in the first place. It allowed Carol to see him when nobody else in the group could. It helped me process my own childhood trauma. The ways I got to watch him overcome his violent past gave me hope that masculinity could mean more than what I grew up around—more than anger, shouting, and swinging fists. Daryl taught me that men could still be tender, kind, and loving even if those closest to them in their childhood never showed them how. I imagine Daryl's representation has been important to boys and men too, specifically to those who were afraid to speak up about their abuse because of the stigma around it. The implications of this scene may not be easily noticeable to some, but they are to me, and I'm deeply offended by it.
I’ve talked at length on this blog about how it takes a village to make or break a show, though it’s usually the showrunner who has to answer for it. I've already mentioned that I do blame Zabel. His knowledge of French history has no value when he obviously didn’t bother to study Daryl’s history aside from reading old scripts and (maybe) watching the first couple seasons. That's incredibly irresponsible and terrifying for S2. I also blame AMC for their short-sightedness and their determination to save face no matter how much it costs them. I blame Gimple for his pettiness. I blame Greg Nicotero for his insensitivity to Melissa and her fans.
As for Norman, he's hinted very loudly that he wants credit for the show being "different," so in theory he should be prepared to take some of the blame too. I can't name all of the decisions he specifically made, but no matter what they were, I can blame him for not speaking up about the shipbaiting, Daryl's wavering loyalty, and the childhood abuse retcon, all things that hurt his character and hurt the fans. I genuinely don't know what else to think other than Norman didn't give either the consideration they deserve. The show has been treated like nothing more than a vanity project, and it’s unfortunate when you think about what he and AMC had to gain from the original Caryl spinoff.
I love the version of Daryl I knew before this whole mess, I love Carol, and I love the relationship between them. I want them to have the story they deserve in S2. At the moment, I don’t know how to reconcile that with the agony I feel over the damages to half of my two favorite characters. If Carol is going to cross the Atlantic ocean to find Daryl, I want him to be the man who threatened to punch holes in all the boats so she couldn’t leave and the man who told her he loved her before—ironically—leaving himself. I need to hear Daryl admit he hasn't been completely honest with the French characters, not because he was afraid of getting too close to them, but because he didn't want to face the pain of potentially living without Carol and TF. I need to hear him say that he can't be Laurent's father, which is okay because the kid has plenty of other family to take care of him. I need to hear him say, out loud, that he could never love another woman romantically because he's already in love with Carol. That's what I need to feel better about this story. That's where my investment is. I feel like Carol is safe in Melissa's hands, but I don't feel like I have anyone to rely on for Daryl. That’s a big problem because their stories are so intertwined. There’s no Daryl without Carol nor Carol without Daryl. If you ruin one of them, you risk ruining both of them, and that’s a possibility I really can’t bear.
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richonnesbitch · 4 days
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Thoughts on ep 5?
This was pry my least favorite episode so far. I’ve never cared for Gabriel so his and Jadis’ scenes bored me. The 3 new people they introduced were killed off so quickly… and badly? Idk it’s like 10 years into the apocalypse and known of them seemed to know how to survive, it felt stupid. They were literally just there to show how Rick and Michonne worked together.
Also I was surprised that Jadis ended up helping them in the end, she could have just died and got the last laugh that they didn’t know where the file was.
Honestly, I would say I loved it if not for all the Gabriel/Jadis scenes. That really brought it down for me. The entire time they were on I was fighting the urge not to skip ahead. But I guess I'm glad I didn't because I would have missed hearing that Rick wanted to marry Michonne on the bridge!!! Absolutely insane. Absolutely BONKERS.
But with that being said, I loved the rest of the episode so much. It really gave The Next World and Say Yes vibes which are two of my favorite episodes ever! Seeing Rick and Michonne on their honeymoon is just soooooo 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
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Rick trying to get that "junior" license plate for RJ just melted my heart. He loves that baby already and he hasn't even met him. Father of all time me thinks! And then Rick gifting Michonne her favorite toothpaste because he remembers and cherishes every little thing about her. When I say the line "I was in love with my son's best friend" sent me into orbit..... it sent me into ORBIT. I was crying my eyes out. And then when he gave her the replacement "m" necklace. Oh Rick Grimes, how I love you. I love seeing them getting to be happy and love on each other as hard as they can. Wish we could have saw their drunk freaky cabin sex where they most definitely probably tied each other up 😉 it looked a little too natural when they tied themselves up for Jadis.
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It was so pleasurable for me seeing Jadis die slowly, brutally, and painfully. Everyone say thank you, Michonne! Rick telling Michonne "maybe just maim her first" had me chuckling! He's so funny. I guess Red and his siblings really were pointless? Why did Jadis think Rick and Michonne wouldn't be able to easily take out those randos? But seeing Jadis FINALLY die felt so satisfying!! I'm glad she suffered. And I'm glad Michonne didn't give her any peace as she died. She let her know the CRM will be getting what's coming to them 🥳🥳🥳
And last but not least my favorite part of the episode. You already know what it is. Rick fucking proposing to Michonne!!!
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8 fucking years and we FINALLY got a proposal. I mean it's weird how most of the other couples got that chance but not the lead couple? It's weird. But I'm so glad to see it happening now. Vindication has never felt so good.
And this was only the proposal! Meaning we got a wedding coming up.
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And I love this proposal so much. It's not lengthy or over the top and you really feel the few words Rick and Michonne say to each other. They carry a lot of meaning. I'm just so beyond happy!!!
But in conclusion, I do understand why this isn't people's favorite episode. I don't dislike it as much as anyone else but it's not my favorite either. I think my ranking would be episode 4, episode 1, episode 2, episode 5, episode 3. I loved that we got a little lightheartedness before shit hits the fan in the finale!
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