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#these past weeks my bf and i have been talking a lot about how we want to marry each other and build a family
jvzebel-x · 8 months
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x. polite because no one deserves to be purposefully treated rudely. kind because kindness keeps a person gentle. sweet because making people smile is uplifting. helpful for the same reason. supportive because if you dont have anything nice to say, it's extremely easy not to say anything at all. above all, do unto others what you would have them do unto you.
o. polite because it's the best way to fade all the way into the background. kind because i'm too afraid to let myself be cruel. sweet because of overwhelming&pathetic desperation to make people happy. helpful because it's too exhausting to cause waves. supportive because other's goals are a great distraction from my own. above all, a smile makes the best camouflage as long as no one can ever see you sweat.
x. lonely+isolated because of mental+physical health restrictions. i miss people-- i miss being surprised, i miss relating to people on any level that isn't abject pain. i miss connection, communion, community.
o. alone+introspective because it pays off to be so. i don't miss people at all-- in fact it is a true sign of growth that it is not my knee-jerk reaction to say that i hate them for everything that (an admittedly small sampling of) people have done to me.
x. i am so terrified of communication at this point, &traumatized by Other People just in general, that i regularly shut my notifications off on everything because the sound of any form of notification ring that i recognize can literally kick off vicious panic attacks and send me running for dark corners, lmao. i am pathetic-- but i am a survivor.
o: i am charming, fun, &social to varying degrees dependent on the work. i am adaptable, everything from the center of attention to support staff with ease. smiling through blood in my mouth&talking to basically anyone for minutes to hours is child's play-- literally, since that is when i learned it.
x. pride over the skills i've developed over a lifetime of nonsense. made possible by mania, perhaps.
o. shame over the skills i've developed over a lifetime of nonsense. put off by disassociation, definitely.
x. i am kind and small and smiling and invisible. please just leave me alone. please don't even look at me, i literally cannot bear it, i just want to be alone again, please do not hurt me, i will do anything to make you happy if you just promise not to hurt me.
o. i am vicious and bloody and loud, and i will make you look at me, i will make you see me. i will give you a reason for that sneer, &i have no problem giving and taking blood in the process. my blood is worth so much less that i will win this no matter what-- i am braver than you could ever be because i have nothing that i'm afraid i'll lose.
x: i just want to make people smile.
o: i just want to never see another living person ever again.
x: like me, like me, like me. please just like me. i just want to be safe from abject hatred. i just want to be likeable. i can be anything, anyone-- it isn't like i want to keep all my parts, anyway, just tell me what i need to toss to be normal. just tell me what to chop off to be loveable.
o: i will give you every reason to fucking hate me if that is what's going to happen, anyway. i have spent a lifetime becoming who i am, usually against my will-- i can finally look in the mirror without flinching, &i won't let anyone take that away from me. you'll pry my forced self-acceptance out of my cold, dead hands.
x: i have been so lucky. i have been so fucking lucky. every single day i am reminded of all the many ways it could have been worse, things could have been worse, life could have been worse. i am so lucky. i owe the red string everything for letting me finally be someone i like sometimes.
o: i might have been lucky, but somehow i doubt anyone treating my gratitude or happiness like a red flag would be capable of living a day in my life-- or any singular one of the days i've lived thus far. but i can definitely give them a taste if that's what they need to wipe the snide looks off their faces. i'll hate myself after for giving in to the temptation, though. i always do.
x: there's good in everything. if you look for it, there will always be good somewhere. you just need to look. happiness is a conscious decision. kindness is a conscious decision. being a decent person is a perpetual and conscious decision.
o: there's bad in everything, too, and the second i see it, i cannot unsee it. or forgive it, usually. why is it so much easier to see how much people fucking suck?
x: i want perfection. practice, constant effort, dedication-- i need perfection, i'll get perfection. if i can't, what's the point? if there's not even the possibility, what is the fucking point? how am i supposed to live if i know my lifelong goal is&always has been unattainable?
o. perfection isn't an objective possibility. how many times&different ways do i need to fail at the impossible reality before it actually settles in. it isn't possible. i'm dedicating my life to an impossible pursuit. more specifically, i'm committing myself to eternal&constant punishment for failure. why, though. why am i like this.
x. i hate myself so much sometimes i feel like i might actually lose my mind.
o. i am so full of pride sometimes i feel like i might burst at the fucking seams with it all.
x. i am terrified that i'm not capable of living unless it's fighting uphill. who am i without the struggle? who am i past the trauma?
o. if fighting uphill is what made me what i am, what does it matter if i never lose the edge? why should it matter if i need the extra motivation? if i can handle it, why should the struggle be a bad thing?
#so my bipolar diagnosis has been a central theme in my life for the past couple months right.#&i have a really. specific. relationship w my diagnosis lmao. bc its not like i can pretend im not certifiable lmao#but like also this diagnosis up until i literally lost parts of my sanity over turbo had only ever been used for several types#of negligence lmao.#&bc its been a Conversation lately ive been having to reflect on how i feel about it more than i have in. years probably lmao.#&like my thing is i have trouble telling the difference between being an unstable person vs being a complex person.#idk. something something what is the self without the Other? something something tree falls in the woods&no one hears it ect ect.#something something what makes anything real in regards to things so abstract&subjective?#bc until someone actually has the balls to slice me open&test my brain chemistry to put me out of my misery its all just a debate lmao.#idk lots of polarizing thoughts lately maybe.#... as always i dont really have a trigger warning specific for anything but it feels relevant anyway.#........... my doc is gonna have a field day. i dont want new meds but i have a feeling an adjustment is coming soon. 🫠🫠🫠#on the plus side tho! i have successfully kept my weight up past 105lbs for a solid week. so. solid win in all my other med departments.#(... i just remembered i had a bf once who used to HATE reading all my ramblings lmao he said i talked way too much&it showed.#i'm so fucking happy we broke up before that could actually sink in enough to ruin my big fucking mouth LMAO)#(edit: my doc had a field day lmao.)
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hey y'all, i pretty much know that i'm the asshole big time- but i'm not sure what to do about it. i know i need to shift my perspective, especially because i'm not sure what to do going forward... or how to meaningfully apologize, so I think i need some outside judgement.
AITA for wanting to possibly return to speaking terms with someone i cheated with?
about 1.5 years ago one of my best friends (i'll call him R, we're all 20 now) confessed to me while I had a bf- R said he knew i wasn't into him but asked me to kiss him once. i felt really bad and didn't feel anything for him, so i said yes and we briefly kissed. I didn't think it was going to be a big deal until I told my boyfriend right afterwards and he got really upset in a way i now see i was really understandable. i've come to see the situation as cheating, but I think fundamentally we had a different view of it at first. my bf asked me to not be alone with him anymore or talk to him outside of groupchats (i was in a friend group of 3 people, R me and another guy). I tried really hard to follow through on this but in reality- i just didn't want to cut off one of my best friends- there were times I went against my boyfriend's wishes and slowly I let up and saw him/talked alone more. I would tell my boyfriend about it and he would be hurt by it and I would feel horrible, but I didn't put up a hard boundary. I hated myself for it, but I didn't feel like R was actually a problem, rather that the problem was my lack of respect for my bf. A month or two later, all of us moved away to different colleges. After two months of long distance and continuing to talk to R on the phone sometimes, my boyfriend left me citing that as one of the reasons.
I realized I should have valued my bf more and I stopped talking to R (basically ghosted him), but he contacted me on another platform and asked if I was okay and I realized that he was a true friend in a lot of ways. When we hung out on winter break at home, we were chilling and he kind of made a joke asking me to sleep with him. I said no very loudly because I'm not into him like that and I was still hung up on my bf. Meanwhile, after 2 months of no contact, me and my bf had started to talk again very tentatively (i had tried really hard to instigate it which, sometimes i feel bad about not leaving him in his peace- but I was having a really hard time accepting the breakup). I realized there was something I really needed to do to show him I was serious and I sent R a text saying we couldn't be friends anymore citing some lame reasons and the whole 'sleep together' thing.
After that, R didn't contact me and I felt like it was sad, but kind of a blessing because I got to focus on building trust between my bf and I and we eventually got back together.
Anyways, in the past year, the relationship has been steadily getting more comfortable and I hadn't had any contact with R or cheated since (I kind of believe once a cheater always a cheater, so this is an accomplishment. I really don't want to hurt my bf like that again.)
Okay here's the sucky part though (as if the rest wasn't already sucky of me) i was posting tiktoks for the first time this week and, little did i know, the algorithm was showing them to people who had my number. I got a call from an unknown number and a text that said "can we talk." I realized from the chat history it was R, whose number i deleted. I didn't answer, but a part of me really wanted to.
I missed him and I felt bad for leaving the friendship the way it was, I was also really curious as to why he was contacting me now?? But I knew I needed to tell my bf before I did anything. He said he would feel more comfortable if I didn't respond and I kind of agreed- but I said I was going to think about it and that I would tell him explicitly before I did anything.
Then the next day I got another call from a random number with my hometown area code- I thought there was a possibility it was R and decided to just act in the moment and let fate decide- I answered and it was him. It was kind of scary, but also exciting and didn't feel wrong in my body. He was weirdly casual just saying hi and that he saw my tiktoks and missed me, we ended up talking like old friends- like the time that had passed had healed some of that old stuff. He told me i was the best friend he ever had, and I remembered all kind of good things about our friendship. I also was able to apologize for ghosting him- if not super well. I knew while we were talking that my bf was not going to be comfortable with this and that I was unsure about what to do going forward and I think R kind of knew that was the case too, so it was also very awkward. when we hung up, it was clear I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to be his friend again.
When I told my bf as soon as i got off the phone, he was understandably very upset, even more so when I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep talking to R in the future. I feel really bad for hurting him, I was really mainly thinking about my own feelings. Now he and I are trying to resolve things, but I'm ashamed to say I don't know how I can make it better. I've told him that, even though it's not necessarily what I want, I'm willing to block R again, but I don't think it feels satisfying to either of us. my bf and I have been dating for 4 years now (with that break at 3 yrs) and he means so much to me, I don't want to bring us back to a place of distrust, but part of me feels like this was kind of pent up while I had R blocked. i've never ended a friendship with anyone before or blocked someone, so it all feels really weird to me, but I can imagine that my bf must feel really betrayed by my continued unsureness.
also R and my bf used to be friends for like 5 yrs- then R and I were close for 1 yr. my bf has said he felt left out by that and that he felt like R was a jerk to him while they were friends, so that's an element of it as well.
if you've read this far, thanks so much- advice? AITA? I've spent so much time feeling like scum for the way I handled the situation and while I have to love myself through it- I don't want to keep mishandling it- was answering the call all that bad, do I need to totally forget about talking to R?
What are these acronyms?
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baby-yongbok · 7 months
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hiii since you were asking for suggestions, may i request bf!chan being pissed by bumping into their s/o chatting with their ex? i’ve been thinking about this scenario for a while since i don’t know if he would play cool and then be mad for a whole week or would alfa the situation
Thank you for the ask, bestie! When I think of Chan seeing you talking to your ex my first thought is Jealous!Chan. I feel like he's a bit of a possessive person even if he doesn't really mean to be but he does it from a place of pure love and a bit of fear. I feel like he wouldn't know what to do with his emotions until some time has passed... You'll see what I mean lol anyway, Hear me out...
Jealousy, Jealousy
Word Count: 1099
Genre: Fluff with a sprinkle of angst? like just a tiny sprinkle
✨Masterlist✨
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Chan wanted to surprise you. You had been having a rough time balancing work and classes lately so he wanted to do something special. He had it all planned out, he was going to get food from your favorite place and your favorite flowers to make you smile. He knew that if he went to a particular strip mall that he could pick everything up in one go and get home before you got back from studying. He crossed the busy street stepping onto the curb when he saw it. Honestly, he wished that he was hallucinating, he wished that maybe it was just a girl that looked a lot like you - too much like you. 
Unfortunately, his wish wouldn't come true today. You stood there with your backpack hanging on your shoulder as you casually chatted with your most recent ex. The two of you didn't end on bad terms but that didn't matter to Chan, he didn't like the way your ex looked at you and ghosted a touch to your shoulder every time you would say something the slightest bit amusing. Everyone knew that Chan was a bit possessive but what he felt in this moment was a bit more than that, there was a small pool of anger bubbling inside of him that he couldn’t seem to control. 
Before he knew it he was stalking towards you, shoulders back and chest slightly puffed out to assert his dominance. He reached the two of you before you even saw him coming, his hand possessively finding a home on your shoulder and pulling you back into him. He took you by surprise and from the look on your ex’s face he was quite taken aback too.
“Baby, I thought you were coming home after studying.” Chan says not completely looking at you. His gaze was semi fixed on your ex and the way his eyes scanned Chan’s frame, he hated every second that the two of you stood in front of him but what he hated even more is that you welcomed it.
“Oh, yeah I - uh just ran into an old friend. Chan this is -” You’re cut off by Chan’s voice, his tone assertive and uninterested.
“I know who this is.” He looked down at you with burning eyes and you knew exactly what that look meant, he was angry. “We should really get going, come on y/n” 
Without another word or glance from Chan he tightened his grip on your shoulder and guided you away from your ex not even giving you the chance to say goodbye. It’s not like you would anyway, you knew better than to get on Chan’s bad side and since you already seemed to be there you didn’t want to push it. 
“Chan what was -” He glared at you and you stopped mid sentence deciding not to try to talk to him just yet. This was a conversation to have at home and nothing in the world could explain how much you dreaded what was to come. 
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“So we just talk to our exes now?” Chan asked as he closed the door behind you both. You hadn’t even gotten to take both of your shoes off yet and the dreaded conversation was already beginning. 
“Baby, we just ran into each other as I was leaving the cafe. He was literally telling me all about his new girlfriend and I was telling him about you, my lovely and very jealous boyfriend.” Chan’s face twisted at your statement. His arms crossed and his gaze was fixed on the hardwood floor for a second before he spoke up. 
“I am not jealous, y/n” He stalked past you and took a seat on the couch avoiding eye contact with you. “I’m angry, I’m not jealous.” 
You followed him, taking a seat in the free space next to him. “What exactly are you angry about?” You ask with furrowed brows. You lay a hand on his shoulder and smooth reassuring circles into it.
“I’m angry that you were speaking to him! I’m angry that he looked at you, that he smiled at you. I’m angry that you were standing there with him instead of being home with me… I’m.. I’m just..” Chan’s voice got smaller and smaller as he processed the words that were coming out of his mouth. A small sympathetic smile ghosted your lips as you allowed him time to process his emotions.
“Fuck.” He whispered sharply before laying his head back against the couch. “ I am jealous… aren’t I?”
“Yeah, baby, I think that you are.” You lay your head on his shoulder and his hand finds its way to your thigh giving it a tight squeeze that you know is meant to be apologetic. You appreciate it as the two of you sit in silence for a minute or two. 
“I’m sorry…I’m not usually the jealous type I just… when I saw you talking to him it felt like all of my defenses went up and I just couldn’t stand the thought of him trying to get you back. My imagination went wild and I just didn’t want to lose you.” You shifted a bit, placing yourself in his lap and snaking your arms around his neck as he lifted his head to look at you. His lids were low and you could sense a bit of shame in his voice. 
“I understand, Channie. I probably would’ve gotten a bit jealous if you were talking to your ex too, but that’s okay cause you know what that means?” He looked up at you with furrowed brows and shook his head. “That means that you love me and I love you too, more than you will ever know. People get jealous sometimes, it’s natural, we just have to make sure that it doesn’t consume us and we have to trust that our other half won’t hurt us.” 
Chan shakes his head, taking in your words and processing them slowly. “ You’re right, y/n… I’m sorry for all of that. I trust you with all of my heart and I promise I’ll get better with that.”
“I forgive you, Channie, everything is fine.” You lean down, resting your head in the crook of his neck as the two of you hug and share some deep breaths. 
“But like, next time I’d rather you walk right past him. Kinda like he’s invisible ya know?”
“Don’t ruin the moment, Chan. We were getting somewhere.” You smile against his neck and he lets out a faint chuckle. 
“Okay okay, I’m just kidding… kinda.”
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apollortaylor · 5 months
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Okay but can we talk about how much amnesia sucks? As a system we don’t have a lot of in the moment Black outs. We have some grey outs and a lot of emotional amnesia, but we don’t fade in and out of consciousness. At least not that we remember.
What we do struggle with is remembering past events. Even as far back as a week or two ago we have black spots that we can’t even remember that we don’t remember. Friends will tell me something happened and I just have to go with it even though I have absolutely no clue what their talking about.
I apparently beat my bf at a board game a few weeks ago and he brought it out again for us to play. I didn’t recognize it all. My first reaction was:
“Oh that looks like a fun game,”
Because I had zero recollection of ever playing it or even seeing it. My bf looked me dead in the face and asked if I was serious because it had only been a few weeks since I destroyed him at it.
There are so many good memories that I’m missing because of my disorder. So many moments that are lost to me and without me even realizing that they aren’t there.
This is one of the darker parts of the disorder that I don’t see talked about a lot. Missing time with loved ones so you don’t remember the trauma.
There are good things that have come from my system and headmates. But let’s not invalidate the pain that comes from not remembering your past.
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reivrze · 11 months
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hey there! I’ve been a follower for a bit and I wanted to finally request something…first time ever requesting so please tell me if I do anything wrong ;-;.
Hru? Finals are coming up and I am stressed out as hell, should be studying but uh-yk-who does that….💀😭😭😭😭😭
anyway I was in the middle of my anxiety thought train when I thought of like….how sunghoon was talking abt how he was 100% not an ace student and how he was embarrassed with the Enhypen members teased him about his exam score. could you do a reaction abt Niki and sunghoon (separately) reassuring a top student s/o who is stressed asf abt exams? I feel like we can all relate to that as the finals season slowly draws out. Ofc you don’t have to do it if ur busy, life comes first! 🫶☺️. I’m sorry if this is a bit uh…specific, but I would really love it if you did it!
and if you have exams to, I wish you good luck! May all 100s be blessed upon you 💖🥰🫶☺️🙌🔆!
a/n : thank you for your good luck wish and i wish you as much luck too with any upcoming exam ! first time writing for a specific set of members, but honestly, it was a lot easier ! anyways, hope you enjoy reading this ♡ ♡ ♡
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pairing : bf!sunghoon x gn!reader | bf!niki x gn!reader genre : fluff warnings : anxiety
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p. sunghoon . ⁺
sunghoon was on his way to your house for a date night you guys had planned. you were supposed to have a chill night together in bed, watching the show you guys had started a few weeks ago. your exams were approaching quickly and you had been studying all day, trying to squeeze in as much information as possible in your head. your eyes were betraying you as you felt them starting to close, so exhausted from the books covering your desk completely. the date long forgotten, your heart started beating quickly, your hands sweaty as fear and anxiety consumed your mind. reading through the page getting harder as your eyes got blurry with tears threatening to fall. so distracted by your current state, you had missed the knock of your door and the sound of it opening.
"y/n..? Are you okay"
at the lack of response, sunghoon started getting worried, making his way to your side. seeing the tears falling and the books laying everywhere, he understood the situation quickly. not knowing exactly what to do, he decided to pull you away from your work, taking your hand and making you get up from your chair. with a lack of words, he took you between his arms, brushing your hair, letting you cry into his t-shirt.
slowly, you started breathing a little easier, your heart calming down from its anxiety high. with the comfort of his body against your own like a blanket, you felt safe. sunghoon knew that he wouldn't be much help with all the school stuff but he knew that he could provide a safe space for you to calm down.
n. riki . ⁺
you had told niki that you'd be at the library all day because exam season was coming up soon and you had wanted to be as prepared as you could be. niki had been sulking, bored out of his mind and missing you. he had come up with the genius idea to surprise you at the library and to take you out to go eat together for lunch.
on your side, you had been feeling on edge all day, your lesson refusing to stay in your brain. you found yourself getting irritated at every sound the people around you made. you had to take a deep breath every time a book fell or a group of students would walk past, talking a little too loud for your liking.
niki had just entered the library and had gone out on a search for you. when he finally found you, he stalked behind you, preparing to surprise you to the fullest and scare you a little. what he hadn't expected was for you to lash out at him and frantically try to tell him that you had a long day and that you had no time nor the patience to deal with his childish pranks. niki had gone silent, feeling bad and a little rejected, his intentions were pure and he was just missing you.
after your little rant, you sighed, realizing that you had gone a little overboard, you felt disappointed in yourself after seeing niki's smile fall and him looking at the floor. he whispered a little apology, telling you that he didn't mean to annoy you and that he'd be on his way. you had reached out, grabbing onto his arm, apologizing and explaining that you had just been having a hard time with your studies. niki knew that school was a tough period for you recently and that it was probably stressing you out.
"wait," you cleaned up your stuff quickly, putting your back over your shoulder, telling niki that you needed a break, hoping that he'd forgive you for getting angry at him. niki could never stay mad at you for long, he offered to take your bag and you guys walked to the nearest little café, hand in hand.
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© miyu 2023 - do not copy, translate, repost or plagiarise my work anywhere !
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kumezyzo · 8 months
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yea idk. this is the q&a metioned in this post. 1.5k words... and its all bf!sapnap 😁😁
the spaces between questions are supposed to indicate that a little time has passed, like a cut that would be in a video.
shout out to 🐬 anon for helping me with some of the questions! theyre absolutely amazing 💜💜
anyway, enjoy! or dont.... :) m.list
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you and nick sat infront of your desk, both of you going through your phones, making sure you have the questions you both picked out from the responses on your tweet.
you put your phone down and set up your recording. nick reached over, keeping his eyes on his phone, placing his hand on your thigh. it was almost like second nature for him to then start rubbing his hand up and down your thigh.
you pause for a moment, your camera recording. you looked at the moniter that showed you what your camera was seeing. at the very bottom, nicks hand was clearly in your lap, moving slowly. the sight made butterflies flutter in your stomach for a moment.
"you ready?" you ask, looking over at your boyfriend, your eyes darting to the hand on your thigh before looking back up.
"mhmm..." he hummed, double checking one last time before looking up and smiling at you.
"okay then..."
"hey, guys! so, we're finally doing that q&a that we said we might do during our announcement video!" you said, smiling into the camera. "we- well, I tweeted out 'ask questions for a couple q&a' which is kinda cringey but gets the point across!" you laughed awkwardly.
"yea, i mean, to be fair, we just needed something to get people to ask questions," nick said shrugging comically by lifting his arms.
"yea..." you said trailing off. "okay lets start!"
'when did you start dating?'
you read the question out loud, looking up into the camera, "a few months ago. this past november," nick nodded in agreement.
"that kinda goes with one of my questions 'how long did you guys like eachother before you started dating?'"
"oh.... umm..." you trailed off, thinking back to a few months ago when you both started talking.
"ive liked you since the first moment i saw you," nick said dreamily making you shake your head with a snile.
"shut up," you said with a giggle. "i think it was maybe a few months before then... august, september-ish? i think by then it was less of a platonic relationship if im honest."
you looked over at nick, to see him already staring at you. you smiled at him in confusion, tilting your head slightly.
"i think i liked you before then. i always thought you were really pretty. and like you were funny and nice. it just changed for some reason," he said looking into your eyes softly. "and im glad it did..."
you let out a soft breath in surprised confusion. you looked back at the camera and tried to hide your smile.
"phew... okay your turn to read a question!" you said, trying to shift the tension.
"i just did, peaches," he said nonchalantly. you looked into the camera, your eyes widening for a second before you tried to hide the flustered look on your face.
'what did the dream and george think when you told them you were dating?'
"dream already knew i was going to ask you out the night it happened. i had been talking to him about it a lot and he had kinda been telling me to just get it over with," nick said, looking at you as he spoke.
"poor guy," you said shaking your head. "he had to hear about how much you were falling in love with me." you said, flipping your hair.
"yea, he did get tired of hearing about it," he said laughing. "and george just kinda knew, i guess."
you laughed, "he texted me like a week before we officially started dating. he asked me 'are you and sapnap dating? or is it going to happen anytime soon?' and didnt know what to tell him."
'who asked out who?'
you raised your eyebrows at him in amusement once he read the question, "you should answer this one, lover boy."
nick chuckled softly and smiled. "i asked her out..."
you waited for him to continue before you realized he wasnt going to. "oh, come on," you scoffed. "okay, he called me super late at night and-"
"no! they dont need to know all of that!"
"and he basically told me that he loved me and that he wanted to be my boyfriend."
nick groaned as his face began to turn red. you grinned at him and gave him a peck on his cheek. he playfully shoved you away as you giggled.
'do you have nicknames for eachother yet?'
"just babe and baby, really..." you said, trying to recall anything youve called him aside from his name.
"same for me... and i call you peaches," he says, failing to hold back a grin as he looks at the way you shake your head.
"and mamas-"
"okay! next question!" he cut you off, causing you to let out a loud laugh.
nick looked at the camera mischievously as you waited for him to ask the next question.
'favourite position?'
"i think mine would have to be cowgirl," he says nonchalantly, keeping his eyes on his phone as he answers.
your eyes widen at him before your hand shoots to cover your mouth in shock. you turn to stare at the camera, speechless as you lean foreward and rest your elbows on your desk, covering your face in embarrassment.
nick giggles loudly, his face turning a deeper shade of red as he watches your body shake in embarrassed laughter.
"what is wrong with you?!" you yell, your voice slightly muffled by your hands.
he let out a similar high pitched laugh as he got up from his chair and covered his face in embarrassment.
you turned your face in your hands to look at him as he shook his head at you, a groan leaving both of you.
"im keeping that in."
"no youre not!"
"i have to!" you said laughing at the way he shakes his head at you. "youre the one that said it!!"
"but your not supposed to-" he groans, "dont put it in!"
"its going in!" you bleeped him saying which position in post
'is yn moving into the dream team house?'
nick looked at you, not knowing how to approach answering your question.
"i think it would make sense in terms of me being the 'honourary dream team member'," you said with air quotes. "but i dont think i will be moving in." you finish with a smile and looking back down at your phone to find your next question.
"wait you dont want to move in?" nick asks, looking at you in confusion with his head tilted slightly.
"thats not what i said," you said with a confused smile.
"so why dont you?" he asked, this time more as an invitation.
"wha- i mean-" you stammered trying to think of a way to make sense of what just happened. "you want me to?"
"of course i do," he smiled.
he leaned in and gave you a peck on your lips. you smiled and your eyes darted down to his lips again. you licked your lips subtly before leaning back in and kissing him longer this time.
nick reached his hand up to hold the side of your neck as he deepened the kiss. he licked your upper lip, causing you to lightly part them. he took that as a chance to pull on your bottom lip and lightly suck on it before pulling away from you completely.
he pulled away and licked his lips as he nonchalantly pulled out his phone to find his next question.
you looked at him speechlessly and flustered. if you looked close enough at his phone, youd notice he was staring at his home screen, also trying to compose himself. you were just trying to make a mental note to cut that out of the video. you did dw
'why did you decide to announce it now?"
"i think it was just that it felt right," you said, shrugging. "we have been officially dating for like five months-"
"technically four,"
"no?"
"baby, yes,"
"nick, if it was the end of november-"
"its not even a week of november that we dated!"
"and then the entirety of december, january, february, and now the end of march?!"
"thats four months, baby. and maybe a week!" he said waiting for you to do the math in your head. your eyes darted around as you thought for a second. then you pursed your lips and looked away from both nick and the camera in embarrassment.
"I'll still love you dont worry," nick said, reaching back over to your thigh and giving it a soft squeeze.
"shut up," you said rolling your eyes.
"wait, have a question," nick said as you were about to say your next one.
"okay," you said, unsuspecting.
'how many times a week do you have sex?'
"nick!" you look at him in disbelief.
he giggles mischievously, "it really depends on the week, sometimes its every-"
"okay! thats all we need for today!"
"isnt it 'all we have for today'?" he asks with a smirk.
"no today, its all we need," you glare at him. "im done with this q&a," you say as you shake your head.
"thank you guys so much for watching! i hope you enjoyed? dont go subscribe to him! but definitely subscribe to me!" you say with a smile on your face.
"what why?!"
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yea idk if i like this much, its kinda bad. i hope you enjoyed. comment, request shit, like. idk 💜 -nony
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personasintro · 7 months
Note
Hi Mimi. Can I ask you for advice.
I have a friend who is mad at me because I’m not calling her back 24/7, and because I can’t hang out all the time and have to cancel due to the fact that I work and they sometimes, even if I have plans, call me in.
I couldn’t attend her boyfriend’s surprise birthday dinner, who she’ve only been dating for like 4 months and I’ve only met twice, because they wanted to go out late at night and I was working the day before, during, and the day after. However that particular day I got to finish my shift early because it was raining so my boss told me to just go home. On my way home another friend called me, who I haven’t seen in four month because we live 1h and 45min away from each other. My birthday is in two weeks but she’s going on vacation soon, she asked if we could meet up in the city and have dinner, this is like 4-5pm, because she wanted to celebrate me by buying me dinner. I said okey. I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. We meet up, have dinner, order some drinks, and I post a video of us. The other friend, not even 5 minutes later, sends me a loooong message about what a bad friend I am without even knowing anything. I didn’t answer her right away and decided to wait until I was home. I got home at like 8:30, and the dinner was around 9-10isch so even if I didn’t go out with my friend I couldn’t go and celebrate her boyfriend because I needed to sleep.
She really went off on me, said a lot of things, and made me feel so shitty for nothing. So I wrote back and told her, we’re not kids, I didn’t do anything wrong, I explained briefly why I went out with my friend, and I also told her it’s my life and nobody can get mad at me for my choices, even if I was free that day it still shouldn’t be a problem because I don’t have an obligation to anybody. I also told her that I think it’s wrong that she decided to message me when she saw I was out, she could have waited and brought it up the next day instead of basically trying to ruin my night. I also texted her “don’t worry about this now, go and have fun, enjoy, let’s talk face 2 face when we get the chance” She then texted me back saying “I am celebrating his birthday all weekend, we can talk another day, I don’t have time to deal with this now”. I wrote back “sure”. My first thought, before I calmed myself down, was “so you have time to ruin my night, and start this whole thing, but you don’t have time to finish it?”.
Am I the asshole? Hahaha this sounds like a reddit post, I wanted to write it there but I don’t want to take a risk of her seeing it. Your account, your stories and you are also my comfort zone. I just feel safe here, which is why I am sorry for the rant and headache you have now. I just don’t like to talk about other people with other people, which is why I’m not asking for advice from my friends. But at the same time I’m desperate because I feel like I have done everything for her but just because I have work and have to prioritize myself I’m suddenly a bad friend for not attending her bfs dinner who I’ve only met twice. I mean it’s not like I missed her wedding day. It’s not like I was talking shit about her or told everyone her secrets for her to call me awful names and paint me as the bad guy. It’s not like the plan hanged on me, and I said no, and everybody stayed home but then I went out anyways. They still went out and had fun, so why should it be a problem if I was there or not.
I just want to add that this friendship is solely about me being there for her, I’m basically her therapist. I’ve never ever had demands on her or how she should treat me. I’m so drama free like this is my only drama in life atm in the past 6 years. I’m so easy going. You know that last year on my birthday she didn’t wish me a happy bday, and last year I asked her 6 times if she wanted to go on a vacation and she said no, but then she posts on snap that she’s going on a “random trip” with a girl she met 6 month ago at a gym who she doesn’t even talk to anymore because she feels that the girl was to clingy. I didn’t say anything because I thought it’s okey I’m not gonna ruin her day, vacation or whatever for something so silly, it’s HER life. I’m always there for her, even if I’m busy I always try to show her that she is not neglected by maybe sending her a song, or meme, or even going as far as telling her that I’m gonna be busy and that she can call me if it’s an emergency otherwise I won’t be so active. I always have her back, she calls me 4 in the morning and I pick up without blinking twice. My parents treat her as a second daughter, I’m always there for her as much as I can, and I just have to add that last month, I didn’t sleep for 36h and had a 10h shift the day after, but I still went out with her because she needed a friend due to having a bad day. I neglected my mental health for her. And our convos are 90% about her, 7% about random stuff, and 3% about me, and I STILL DONT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT because idgaf. Im honestly so unbothered I really don’t care, but right now I care because I feel that the text she sent me, and the way she wanted to paint me, and the words she used even though I’ve never ever had anything negative about her coming out of my mouth…I just feel like this is so unfair and I don’t know what to do. Should I end the friendship? Or maybe talk to her and try to make her understand? Im just so lost and this is honestly so sad because we’ve been friend for 12 years if not more. I don’t want it to end over something so silly…
Much love💜
Again I’m sorry for ranting, if you have advice I want to thank you for them. And I also want to thank you before hand for taking the time to read this. I admire u and ur stories!
I just have to add: she’s not a bad person, her good qualities overshadows the bad ones, which is why we’re still friends.
This message was sent a while back and I am sorry for responding only now. Maybe you were able to figure it out on your own or things happened after this. But all I can recommend for you to do is to talk to your friend, if you haven’t already. If I were you, I’d try to communicate and make her see where I am coming from as well and then… there’s nothing much you can do from there. You’ll see how she takes it and whether she’s able to see your side or not. Regardless of everything, she shouldn’t take you for granted and cut you some slack.
Like you said, you don’t want your friendship to end over something silly but maybe it’s not something silly at all. In the end, you don’t want friends who makes you feel guilty and take you for granted all the time. Just the fact your entire friendship seems to be focusing on her rather than on both of you says a lot. You shouldn’t be treated that way and you do deserve someone who equally cares about you as a person :)
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taeraeszn · 9 months
Note
Hi hi! I really love your works, and I just read your latest one-oh my heart!
Can I request something very soft and comforting with Ricky? I've been in a bad headspace recently, and we all know Ricky is a lover at heart. Something sweet and goofy would be nice. ❤️🥺
not alone - shen ricky
characters: ricky x gn! reader
description: ricky is always there for you and shows it, even when he's busy as a member of zb1
genre: fluff + angst
word count: 1k
warnings: more angsty than some of my other writings, but lmk if there is anything you want to add as a warning!!
a/n: hi luv! thank you for requesting <3 CAN U GUYS BELIEVE THEIR DEBUT IS TOMORROW WTF??? time goes by so fast!!! i love writing for ricky as he's genuinely such a sweet person and is the perfect type of bf hehe
also no fear everyone! the reactions will be back! i just want to finish all my individual requests before i continue my reactions so please wait for that!
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the past week has been stressful to say the least, your studies crammed in with personal issues have made it hard to feel enthusiastic about anything. but you never projected how you felt onto other since you didn't want them to worry about you, especially ricky.
ricky was your boyfriend and someone you've known for a long time. but since ricky was busy promoting 'in bloom', you never wanted to worry him about you.
one day when you were sitting at your desk, yet again studying for another night, you got a call from ricky.
you needed a break anyways and picked up the call, on the other end you heard his sweet voice say your name.
"(name)! can you believe it?! our song ranked first on the melon chart!" he exclaimed. you heard his members shouting in the background.
you smiled, "yeah, congrats ricky!" but he could tell from the tone of your voice that something was up.
"is everything okay?" his tone changed to be more concerned sounding.
"uh...i guess. it's just a lot of stress, you know, studying and managing personal issues." you didn't know why but you felt scared to open up to ricky about this, but you knew he would never judge you.
"ah, i see." he began, "do you want to meet up and we can talk? maybe to get your mind off of things?" he suggested. your eyes lit up at him saying that, you haven't been able to see him in a while and he was taking time out of his schedule to meet with you.
"really? you can do that?" he chuckled, "i can do anything baby. i'll ask our manager and see if we can have time to meet up." suddenly you were so thankful you ran into him at the park where you two first met.
"thank you so much ricky, you really know how to brighten my day."
"of course, i'll see you later okay?", you didn't want to hang up but knew he had other things to do, "yeah, see you. i love you."
"i love you too. bye!" and with that the call cut.
that same night ricky texted you and said that you two could meet together the next day at the park where you first met him. your heart was fluttering at the memories of that day. when ricky approached you and tried conversing with you, despite being obviously shy and stumbling over his words when he saw you.
the next day, you put on your best outfit and walked to the nearby park. it was pretty busy with locals and their pets hanging out. some kids were running around and laughing.
you were going to look for a spot to sit and that's when you spotted him. there was ricky sitting there with a picnic basket and pink blanket! he was looking around the park trying to find you!
what made it even more special was that he was sitting at the same place you were those years ago.
you called out his name and his eyes widened as he grinned, waving at you. you quickly ran towards him and pulled him into your arms.
"i missed you." he giggled and held your hand gently when you pulled away. "me too. i wanted to make this day special so i brought some homemade food."
you gasped, "you made this for me?!" he nodded then took out some of the food. there was some sandwiches with snacks included. the sandwiches included cream and strawberries inside.
"well not just me, gyuvin and matthew offered to help." you saw how the strawberries looked a bit smushed and ricky quickly defended himself, "that was gyuvin's."
you pressed your lips on his, "even if it is smushed i appreciate your hard work in doing this for me. i couldn't have asked for someone better."
ricky softly put your head on his shoulder. "i'm glad. i hope this helped you take a break from everything..."
"just having you with me is a reliever ricky. i'm so thankful you did this for me."
the silence was comforting. the sound of the trees moving and people chatting made the aroma better. after speaking to ricky about what has recently been going on in your life with him continuously holding your hand, you indulged in the sandwiches (you had the one that ricky made since he insisted you eat his) and drank his homemade milkshakes.
just having him listen to your worries and letting you rant with no interruptions was all you needed. this was what you needed all along and ricky was the perfect person you could be completely honest and open with.
when the sunset approached, you decided to walk home with your boyfriend. it was then that you had to go separate ways but you didn't want to escape ricky's warm embrace.
"hanbin hyung is going to scold me if i don't make it by eight." ricky joked, opening his phone to see the group chat bombarding him with questions of where he went.
"then if you're going your own way, i want to say thank you ricky. all my stress has worn away by being with you. you seriously have made everything better. i'm so glad to call you mine."
without words, he closed the gap between you two and kissed you directly on the lips. your hand went to cup his cheek and his wrapped around your waist.
you didn't want to pull away but ricky's phone buzzed causing you both to jump and release from the kiss.
"it's hanbin hyung." you pouted, "promise me you'll invite me to go on another date when you have free time?" you put your pinky finger out.
he interlinked your pinky's and kissed you on the cheek, "for sure."
ricky left first, waving at you the whole time until he was out of sight, you sighed but began walking home on your path.
though he was always busy, he was always there to comfort you. you were not alone today thanks to ricky.
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night-dazai · 2 days
Note
requesting an ango x reader where reader gets hostage and ango just flips the hell out because he hasn't realize his s/o has been kidnapped for 2 days and his ass is so overworked he didn't know 😭
In the end he gets back to his s/o safe and sound 💕
Note: Sorry took a lot longer almost a month, was not feeling so good for the past weeks.
Let's Go Home :
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Tags: angst, kidnapping, comfort and fluff
Heavy eye bags, dead eyes, messy hair sweating in an air-conditioned room. Ango stood staring at the big screen in front of him, people near him froze seeing the hacked screen where you lay on the floor beaten and bruised. Dress torn, bleeding from your lips and a little from the head and unconscious your body lay while someone angled the camera to your puffy face strained with tears and blood “Release him, Jay whom you arrested a week ago if not she is done for good “ a voice said showing your face and chuckling another voice spoke .” Hey hey she is such a beauty lets not let it go to waste “ hearing that voice few more voices broken into laughter as the screen went black.
Coughing and wheezing you slowly open your eyes, which hurt. Your entire body hurt but your head hurt even more and so did your hands which were tied behind your back as you sat in the chair trying to look up at the men looking at you. “Your bf sure loves you I think he looked so horrified, “ one said. Words were heard but it was hard to process “Ango….” you thought “Sa….me” you mumbled before fainting once again recalling that night ……………………………….
“It is my fault …it is my fault “ he mumbled to himself holding his head and almost tearing his hair out. Ranpo was looking at the files he had shown about Jay while the director of ADA was talking with Mori “It has been 2 days, it is very risky now but since they showed she is alive …we can try I guess” he said while the director just listened staring at Ango.
His heart was beating fast, very fast for the past few hours and all he could imagine were the worst possible things those men could do to someone like you. A normal person who has no idea what about the cruel underground world.”If only I took her calls, if only…..I was there …”
“I should have never fought, even if I did I should have gone and said sorry. I should have not left her alone … She is not involved in this world at all ……” he thought his nails scrapping his scalp when a bandaged hand yanked it from his hair “Enough we found a location if Ranpo’s guess is the right its to best to go fast, “ he said.
Ango could hardly process what was happening, he tried searching for you for hours but had no clue but the moment the mafia and ADA joined hands it was in 4 hours they found your location, was he too tired to search, was he angry at himself for not taking your calls ? he did not know but he knew one thing “ they are going to regret it “ he said following Dazai and Ranpo out.
“Please take it I am sorry “ you kept thinking clutching the phone as if it were your life you kept calling your lover “Please ango I am sorry “ you mumbled keeping it close to your ear as the ring went and went and said the person had not taken the call. Tears ran down your face, you both fought yesterday night when he came home late for the 1000th time according to you “I was forced to work okay “ he said rubbing his temples indicating he was annoyed “If you do not want me in the house.... fine “ he said in a low tone and before you could react he had left the house and did not come home in the morning also.
In the morning when the doorbell rang, you ran to it thinking about how to say sorry, but something told you to take a look at the window near it and there stood 5 men one with a gun talking to the others.
Running inside you hid in your closet and called your lover but he did not take the phone, and it did not take long for the kidnappers to find you and here you were fainted all bloody and beaten up thinking how you shouted at your already overworked boyfriend “ I am sorry …” was all you could think.
“No more ..it hurts ….” when your whole body pain was felt again as you slowly started to gain conciseness you just wanted to rest. But no people were screaming and shouting, there were some harsh words “What was…was it…..” you paid a little closer attention “ Chuuya!” said a loud voice “she is in that room “.
The voice sounded familiar but you could not place it on anyone and instant gunshots were heard, but you could not move or do anything and at this point, your body was on the verge of collapse “ Ango…..be safe….” you thought and fainted as you a bright light in front of you.
The room door which burst open had Ango rushing into you while destruction and chaos were behind him. His hands skilled but trembling untied you from the chair, and he slapped your face gently “Wake up…wake up…y/n….” he said but you did not wake up.
Ranpo came in and stood at the entrance, he knew Ango for reasons and many knew him for various reasons but none were good. They have seen him smile and laugh but not one person has seen him this devastated. Dazai smiled a little standing next to Ranpo “ he found some he truly loves I guess “ he said.
Ango was rocking your cold body mumbling “You are safe …please see me y/n ..open your eyes please” his eyes were wet with tears “Let's take her to the office and get her treated “ Dazai said placing a hand on hso shoulder .
Your head had a sharp sting “Again….” you thought “Voice…just voc-Ango ?” you mumbled slowly opening your eyes. The room was brightly lit it took your eyes a few seconds to adjust but once it did you saw your lover.
Ango was talking to the director or ADA and Mori while the doctor lady from ADA was adjusting your IV “Ango..” you mumbled again a bit louder gaining all their attention.
He rushed to you, holding your hand “Y/n..yes me I am here ….i am here “ he said. His voice broke as he kept saying sorry, his hands were trembling. You have never seen your boyfriend like this and you also did not like this. You wanted to tell him it's okay and it's not this fault, you wanted to comfort him but your throat hurt at the thought of speaking loud.
Collecting any strength you had you pulled him closer by his shirt, hugging his neck you kissed his cheek “ I love you …” cough ..” home.. let's go home “you said. Your words made the man lose all kind of control and sob in your weak little arms but it felt so strong and warm as everyone left the room.
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Text
Do you love her?
Pairing: Your choice of character x reader, your choice of character x fem!OC! character.
Summary: Your boyfriend has been acting distant since a few weeks. You have noticed him hanging out with another girl every chance he gets. He seems very happy with her. Does he love you or her? What happens when you decide to finally confront him?
Warnings: Angst, angst lots of angst, insecurities, one swear word, no happy ending.
(A/N: I have used an indian name for the girl. If you don't like it you can add your favourite name. Also (BF/N) stands for 'boyfriend name')
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*gif credits to the owner
It was a normal day in college. Well, as normal as it could be since your sweet boyfriend was blatantly ignoring you for the past few days. You were sick and tired of this. It hurt.
You noticed he had been hanging out with Apoorva a lot. She seemed like a nice girl at first. But then you saw that he seemed happier around her, laughed more with her. He never laughed so openly with you. Break times consisted of you trying to talk to him, spend some time with him, but him speeding out of the class to meet her. The jealousy inside you grew tenfold. Whenever you saw her, you would get upset, turning around and walking the other way. But then after jealousy came insecurity. You knew you weren't the most beautiful in the class, and you always wondered why he chose you out of all the girls in the class. You knew from the beginning that it was only a matter of time before he found a more beautiful, smart and interesting girl than you. Still, it hurt to think he would move on after just 2 months of dating. You showed him your most vulnerable side, opened up to him, trusted him and he still chose to ignore it and shove your insecurities in your face. You knew this relationship was getting toxic but you couldn't breakup with him. You love him with all your heart. You lost the number of times you told him how much you loved him. You were feeling used.
And it was for this exact reason you decided to confront him.
"(BF/N), we need to talk."
"Sure what about?"
"About you and Apoorva."
He seemed to freeze for a moment but recovered from his shock rather quickly. "What about her do you wanna talk about?"
You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. Sighing you ask tiredly, "Do you love her? Or are you falling in love with her?"
Jaw dropping, he said "No of course not! She's just my friend! Where did this come from?"
His response didn't seem reassuring. So you asked him, "Why did you choose me? What did you see in me that you decided to make me your girlfriend? Do you even love me anymore? Did you ever love me? OR WAS I JUST A TOY? A TOY FOR YOU TO USE AND THROW WHEN YOU'RE DONE? HUH? TELL ME" you screamed, tears streaming down your face, absolutely done with his bullshit. "I WANT THE TRUTH AND YOU'D BETTER SPIT IT IT OUT!!" Rage, white hot fury flooded you. Maybe he sensed your anger, since it was very much apparent and he obeyed with your command. He sighs and says, "Yes, i like her." Atleast he had the shame to look guilty.
Three words. Those three words you've been dreading to hear. Your world came crashing down in seconds. You chuckled, humorlessly and said "I hope you're happy." And with tears in your eyes, you turned around and walked away from the life of your first ever love.
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Sooooo that was very angsty. I did not think i was capable of that. Lemme know what you think of it in the comments!! Likes and reblogs are appreciated!! Constructive criticism is welcome. As always, lots of love,Nivu<33.
Tags: @thewinchestergirl1208 @budugu @payasamlover @sellylove @jeonmahi1864 @rambheem-is-real @rambheemisgoated and anyone else i forgot to tag!!
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sapphic-agent · 5 months
Note
More questions hell yeah...as next week we'll see more of my kaachan academy.
I have to ask...what is Izu endgoal here? Bc look people can ship him and Ochako as much they want(they will be together) but canon has give all the reasons for them not be together...they will if Hori wants to follow the shonen formula but...I know it will be smth miserable for him.
On bright side, she wont cheat on him with bk....but will dream about Toga.
Which makes me think: this once was the story how Izu became a biggest hero...but "we became the biggest hero" hell, who am I kidding? "I, bakugou, became a great hero" is more likely.
1) Ochako has hidden her feelings for Izu (as if she is ashamed) we have seen novels where some girls do say Izu would be a bad BF and Ochako is silent. Granted no one is confessing their love to BK yet (I have a theory Hori will created Horiko to date BK) but the love interest doesnt know shit about him.
2) yes. Kota and Eri like him and even help him when class A1 forced him back...cool. but it tells me smth...if Izu is not killed (its Hori if he can shit Izu, he will) will he be respected by others heroes or...single out again? (Will never forgive how class A1 believe the words of bk so easily...bk is so openly hostile to Izu)
3) What will be his life after all this? Say he saves Shig somehow (20 mins hearing him moaning and doing nothing) well...would he start think highly on himself?(I laugh as if...this is Hori we are talking about)
4) will anyone be inspired by him? Bc in my first watch I really thought the ending would be "a kid sees Izu and is inspired by him" ...my bad, it will be "a kid will see bk and be inspired by this useless dead weight"
I could talk about how IzuOcha is a mess and cant work as friends ...but this is for another ask.
To conclude. Izu's ending will be as miserable as his start...even if he and Ochako are married with kids. Bk shall be glorified for no reason (like the first epi) oh its indeed cyclical 🙄😒
Lol, didn't Uraraka turn Toga down?
1. I've heard about this novel. Izuku's just Horikoshi's punching bad isn't he? It feels vastly OOC for the girls to say something like that. Admittedly, Izuku doesn't have many visible romantic qualities shown, but he doesn't have any negatives either. He's a fair bit younger than me so I won't comment on looks past him being a cutie pie, but I would think Kaminari would be the pick for bad boyfriend. He might not be as bad as Mineta, but he does condone and sometimes encourage Mineta's behavior. I don't have a lot of issues with Kaminari and he's matured quite a bit, but he definitely wouldn't be in the running from my POV (better than Bakugou at any rate)
2. I sure hope that the kid who's been at the forefront of a war would be respected
3. I hate to say it but probably not :( We've never seen Izuku affirm his confidence in himself. Self doubt and self resentment is part of him and I don't think Hori even thinks it's an issue
4. Luckily, Eri, Katsuma, and Kota are good indicators. Uraraka too. Izuku does inspire people. Though, it's overshadowed by Bakugou apparently also inspiring 1A with him (more bs from Aizawa)
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fitgothgirl · 4 months
Text
Long write up about some issues of mine and the past, been wanting to get this out. Will probably send to my therapist lol... TW emotional abuse.
The more I think about, the more I know my dad and my ex really messed me up. I still defend my dad that overall he was a decent parent and he was only human. I had a very comfortable and happy childhood. He tried to be a good dad and was caring, but he also messed up a good amount of times. My ex on the other hand, fuck him. For the sake of whatever unknowing victim, I hope he never dated again for whatever reason, death included.
But they both contributed to one of my biggest weaknesses. Nothing is harder for me to do than speak my mind, stand up for myself, set boundaries, and so on. In my mind, a serious talk is synonymous with fight. There are always tears. I now know that ADHD can cause one to cry ridiculously easily or to just shutdown into silence during discussions because we can't handle the emotion. Makes so much sense, I do both those things. But it wasn't just the ADHD. Every important conversation didn't need to be an argument, or me getting shutdown, or something negative. So I have it lodged deeply in my brain that my interpretation of things is wrong. I'm always wrong, wrong, wrong. It's a mantra that often plays in my head.
My dad wasn't as bad as my ex. He was a single dad who worked a lot, who had two daughters that probably just reminded him so much of his crazy ex, who both ended up being a handful in their teens. He was just always stressed and had a short fuse and would scare me when he was pissed. He didn't do anything to me, just the way he talked through gritted teeth or how he yelled (or what he yelled) or how he was strict. I remember certain things would trigger both me and my sister to go to our rooms to be on our own - his car pulling up in the driveway, the sound of the garage door; we just wanted to stay out of his way when he first got home since we knew that's when he would be most on edge. I can also distinctly remember the sound of him walking up the stairs, when I would pause to listen if he would be turning left to our rooms or right to his room. I'd try to gauge his energy/mood in the subtleties of his step. Anyway, it wasn't the best atmosphere for standing up for myself or speaking my mind, etc. Parenting today has taken such a good turn where people are trying to move away from anger and yelling and punishments for mistakes, and instead treat their kids like people and have a more understanding and guiding attitude. But still, my bf is my age and I look at his family and they're just amazing... I know many people who felt like they could really talk to their parents. I know my situation was by far not the worst possible, but it also wasn't great.
And I went straight from that to some full on grade A emotional abuse for 3 years with my ex. Life was constantly walking on eggshells... Things I didn't know could be a fight were a fight. All I wanted was for him to stop criticizing me and yelling at me and I didn't know what to say to make it stop, which wouldn't happen until I was in tears (although not like that's hard). I couldn't win no matter what I said so I just shutdown and said whatever to appease him in the fewest amount of syllables. He had the final say with everything. No seeing friends without him, which was rare for him to agree to, unless I wanted to have it held over my head forever (along with any other "nice" or "lenient" things he did or "let" me do). Had to work 6 days a week but also be responsible for the cleaning of the apartment since I made less money than him. Panicking at work when I realized I left a dish out and he was going to be home before me. Trying to be as small as possible while he punched a hole in the wall. Not able to spend money without his approval. Sitting home alone before a 13 hour shift while sobbing and holding my cat about how utterly trapped I felt. And he didn't even fucking drive, I was his chauffeur... Oh and of course, at the end of every lash out, I was reminded how it was because he loved me and cared about me wanted me to grow as a person, etc. (If you're wondering, yes I'm embarrassed that I let myself put up with this.)
All this to say, the thought of any form of serious conversation is almost paralyzing. And I get so distressed that I forget things I want to say. And it always ends with me being wrong in some way anyway! This is not something I've imagined, this is learned from experience. It's not even me yielding to end the discussion - by the end I do see that I'm truly wrong and I wasn't thinking. So why should I speak my mind about things when I know I'm going to somehow end up in the wrong or otherwise judged or dismissed... And if something gets brought up by someone else with any tinge of anger or irritation or even seriousness? I just shutdown. If I have to speak then just have a one track mind to appease.
This all leads to me being the mediator (INFP-T for sure), the one to keep the peace. Always adding smiles and laughs to what I'm doing or saying to keep others at ease. Trying to steer things back when any negative emotion rises, silently begging against any conflict. Just fawn response all day everyday.
I've now been with a wonderful guy for almost 12 years and yet I often still feel so trapped inside myself.
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AITA for asking my friend to stop telling me about her partner because I’m secretly in love with her?
I (25X) have an unhealthy tendency to develop feelings for friends of mine that are in relationships. It’s a coping mechanism of sorts, since I can have the feelings without ever having the pressure to confess since they’re already in relationships, and I can just pretend they like me too.
Anyhow, a friend of mine (24F) I knew in highschool has been dating this guy (35M) since she turned 18, and I do not like him at all. I have voiced my complaints about him and the nature of their relationship and how they got together (both worked together part time from when she was 16, he was 27) and that I was concerned for her. We got into fights about it years ago (3 years ago iirc), only because of the age gap and because I disagree with some of the bf’s political stances, but they’ve been together for 6 years now.
Before she moved out of state, we reconnected and started talking a lot more, and have been for about 8 months. She’s been a lot more comfortable sharing some of the other stuff her bf has done. He’s manipulative and abusive in all sorts of ways (mostly verbal abuse and blackmail, ex: he’s sent her nudes to his friends before to humiliate her for not “behaving” properly), and she’s told me about how much she wishes she could leave him, and I mostly just offered support. But as we continued to talk, we both used each other for emotional support and started flirting a lot and talking about how much we meant to each other and I ended up catching feelings for her.
For a while it was fine, but then a few weeks ago she stopped talking about how much her bf sucked and was telling me about all the expensive things he buys her and trips he’s going to take her on and it’s pretty much all she talked about, and it just made me so uncomfortable. In the past when she did this I was uncomfortable because I disliked the guy, but now that I know more about him and I feel for her deeply it makes me so irrationally frustrated.
So this is where I might be the asshole. I told her I really didn’t want to hear about her bf unless she needed to vent about him. She went ballistic on me in DMs and lashed out about how she wants to be able to share the good moments of her life too, and that she’s proud of her bf for “changing his ways” and that he “hasn’t even been harmful for a few weeks”. I told her that I don’t trust him at all, that I don’t like him and I’ve never liked him and she accused me of not wanting good things for her. I told her it hurt me to see her so hurt when he’d lash out, and she told me that when you love someone you’re willing to see the good in them even when they’re bad.
Part of me feels like if I hadn’t had feelings for her I would have just let her ramble about her bf, because she’s right she does deserve to be happy. But I just hate him so much that I’m suspicious of anything good that comes out of him.
I’m 100% aware the boyfriend would be an asshole here and groomed her, but my question is more if I’m the asshole for what I said to my friend, like if I should have just sucked it up because she’s already having a hard time already or if I was okay to ask that.
What are these acronyms?
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moonjxsung · 9 days
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my bf understands the type of insane that i am😭 he sometimes enables it too much tho, i literally just got paid and saw the aniteez plushies and i was like 👀👀 and he was like “yeah get one”😪 much obliged to my plushie collection. (which i just finished organizing at my apartment so i’ll send a pic soon so yk what im talking about)
and also, i love your pc pics!! you should post them more often! they’re always so cute! and the holders!! (also, the bunny!! she looked to my melody coded that i had to try to look her up and she’s this kinda obscure sanrio bunny named “wish me mell”) and she’s super cute and totes lino coded too!
and also, look at this baby😭 https://x.com/uniceflaos/status/1769998216878322010?s=46&t=-PVQ6sHI18cunHWQ1pCVbw
i love him so much, i love the fact that despite his fame and whatever that might sometimes make people oblivious about social problems and injustice, he actually even takes his time off to advocate for volunteer work😭 felix is a sunshine fr. i love how he talks about being there was an amazing experience and that he would love to go back. and it makes me so emotional to have a person with such a platform advocating for this🥲 i love him so much.
and i love you so much!!! thank you for being so sweet to me/us!!! 😘😘
-🐈‍⬛
Your boyfriend is SOOOOO REAL FOR THAT 😭 honestly that’s me bc my sister will be trying to save money and I have a special TALENT for encouraging her to buy things 🫠 she’s been trying to save money and somehow convinced her to buy like 3 Channie pcs within the past week AND the social path bag charm and she got so mad at me for not telling her to save her money instead 😭 and we need to be saving for Lolla now !! Someone kill me if I buy another pc between now and then frfr
ALSO WISH ME MELL???? THAT’S SO CUTE? I didn’t know she was a Sanrio character I thought it was just a random bunny! And I almost have her to a friend because I don’t use it as much LMAO not anymore that thing is staying with me forever (and because we match hehehe)
THE FELIX STUFF AAAAAAA I COULD CRYYY HE IS THE SWEETEST???? 😭 I watched his live recently and hearing the way he talks about his time in Laos is just so heartwarming, like he not only makes an effort to help out where he can but he genuinely enjoys it 🥹 I’m so proud of him for using his platform and being such a good advocate, that’s our sunshine 🫶💞
Also I will absolutely post more of my pc pics ahhh I’m glad you like them! I have a really exciting one I’m bringing to a cupsleeve this weekend so I’ll keep you guys posted with lots of cute pics 👼 I love you my angel I hope you’re having the best week!!! 💖🩷💓✨
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Hi, I see that you've been getting a lot of jikook asks, so I just wanted to share my viewpoint. I've started to get skeptical the past few months and now I'm leaning more towards they aren't together. Today in jungkooks live he kept talking about wanting to do a redo at yoongis concert tomorrow. He kept repeating it multiple times and even asked yoongi. Yoongi ends up telling him not tomorrow, and people are speculating that it's because jimin is performing. So if jimin actually performs tomorrow that really seals the deal for me because how wouldn't you know your bf is performing? On the inkigayo live jungkook said he doesn't keep up with the members all the time and I saw a lot of people say he wasn't talking about jimin, but if jimin does perform tomorrow it shows that they truly don't talk often.
Hi! I get having doubts - we don't have undeniable "proof" and we keep being told we're crazy because shipping is pretty much a sport in kpop - but your reasoning just isn't solid. If you have doubts, this should not be one of them.
Jungkook may have asked Yoongi for a redo of his performance, but he wasn't being serious. I'm sure he knew both Jimin and RM were performing on the remaining days of his tour, and every concert is meticulously planned weeks in advance, so you can't just decide to perform the day before. For example, Jungkook's dancers may not have been available to perform. Jungkook wanting to perform again on day 2 says nothing of his knowledge that Jimin was performing already. Even if Jimin himself didn't tell him he was performing, you think Suga wouldn't have? You think they didn't all talk about it on their group chat? I mean, three different members performed in the finale of Suga's tour, which was obviously a big deal for him, and 2Seok even appeared in the last day to watch the concert! What are the odds that they didn't all know who would be showing up? Imo Suga added those three days just to give Jhope the opportunity to catch one of his concerts after completing his training. Jin and Hobi probably had to ask for permission to attend Yoongi's concert, and I think one of the members had already mentioned they'd all been planning a get together. Do you really think all seven of them didn't know who would be performing and when? Jungkook asking Yoongi to perform the next day says nothing about his relationship with Jimin. Why couldn't both he and Jimin have performed on day 2? The fans wouldn't have minded, right? But you can't just decided on these things on spur of the moment, which Jungkook knows.
Also, there are times where Jungkook doesn't seem to be aware of Jimin's schedule, like when he commented on Jimin's live that he wanted to go watch him on music shows but Jimin said he had just performed the last one. If you recall, at that time Jimin was super busy while Jungkook was still resting. He went to bed in the morning, either seemingly slept all day or not at all, had no official schedules or responsibilities, and didn't seem to go out very much or work out. When you live like that, every day is the same. You can't tell if it's Monday or Friday because it makes no difference to you. Even if Jimin had told Jungkook he would be on Inkigayo on a Sunday, Jungkook may not have realized it was Sunday already, or that Jimin had meant that Sunday and not the next one. You know what I mean? Plus, people forget. Jikook aren't fan/artist, they're very close which means they don't write down on their calendars when the other is releasing something or performing somewhere. They know but they might forget or get a date wrong, or maybe one forgets to tell the other because they don't just want to talk about their jobs. We know Jungkook watches Jimin's stuff, but Jimin may not even tell him he'll be on a variety show in advance because it's not important? That's just his job. To us it's a big deal, but to them, photoshoots, dance practices, music shows, etc. are just their daily lives. How well do you know what your partner/best friend/parent does every day at work?
Besides, Jikook literally hanged out in NYC a few weeks ago, they talk frequently in each other's lives, Jimin knew Jungkook had a schedule at 2pm the day of his shirtless live, Jungkook watches Jimin videos all the time in his lives - and not just when he releases a new song, like he does for the other members -, etc. Just because we don't have as much content, and Jikook likely can't see each other as often (for example, Jungkook said he wanted to do a live with Jimin, but their schedules weren't aligning), it doesn't mean they're no longer close. Don't forget that Jikook are very private and rarely post pics with friends and stuff. V and Mingyu might post pics hanging out with Jungkook, but Jungkook doesn't post pics with them. Since Jimin is the same, we're unlikely to get any pics of their time together, but that doesn't mean they never see each other...
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libra-stellium · 2 months
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Pluto in Aquarius - 12H Transit
Reflecting on Friendships
The last time pluto was in aquarius was March 23 - June 11 2023 and during that time was when a friend of 8/9 years ghosted me in early March and I tried to mend things during that 3 month period and the last time we had a conversation was June 10 2023 lol (we did tell each other happy birthday and thank you in Sept and Nov after that but no actual conversation)
Then this year pluto goes into aqua again on Jan 20 2024 and I tell a couple friends about how my TikTok FYP gets sooo many of her reposts about fake friends and hating people who aren’t confrontational and how nobody knows how to communicate lol so I liked one of them and they stopped! Then like 2 weeks later there’s a repost about getting confronted about reposts and how you can’t take anything online seriously 😂 but there’s been 0 reposts since so I think it worked 🤷🏾‍♀️
Then on Jan 29 I had a dream that I was in a groupchat with her and other people who I used to be friends with in college but my friendship with them didn’t make it past that so I guess they ended like 5 years ago? We would sometimes do group things but it quickly died down. They’re all still friends tho I think. Anyway so in this dream one girl sent a longgggggg ass message about all the things she hated about me 💀 (my dreams are always dramatic lmfao) and that girl who ghosted me was hearting the messages within seconds like she was right there when it was written!! Lmao message received!! I don’t think they actually hate me to this extent irl but I’m a Pisces rising so my dreams don’t lie 🤷🏾‍♀️
And this entire week I’ve been thinking about what I actually want out of friendships and that friendship wasn’t bad but it also wasn’t completely what I wanted in a friendship and I think I was holding on for longer than necessary bc nothing had happened between us so why end a friendship you know? And towards the end right before I was like “she ghosted me” I remember thinking why do I feel like I’m begging ? Lmao bc I would type a message and erase it like I felt she wouldn’t care about what I had to say. Which is weird bc I wasn’t saying anything out of the ordinary 😭 and I should’ve listened to that feeling more lol
I definitely want friendships with more care involved. I have a few friends I can have deep conversations with and who didn’t mind listening to me vent to them about what my narc mom was doing to me that week and I let them vent too. But like…while I was going through that no one asked me if I needed anything or if I needed help with anything it was just like yeah that sucks 😕 and that’s it. I was sick recently and one of my friends I told I was sick never responded to my message and then I go on IG two days later to see she’s on vacation with her bf and then she calls me when she gets back a week later and not once asked me if I was feeling better but immediately started talking about a situation with her bf 🙃 like okayyyyyy
So I think that’s def going to be a major Pluto in aqua theme for me. I just need to actually sit down and figure out what I want my friendships to look like.
I feel like I already do for them what I’m looking for so I know I’m not asking for a lot! And I did think about my people pleaser tendencies and it wasn’t even about that like someone sharing an achievement and me going “we should go here to celebrate!” But me sharing an achievement and just getting the congrats text with confetti and if I want to celebrate I gotta say I want to go celebrate let’s go here like 😀 and even for my bday last year I was fresh off no contact with my mom obviously distressed and no one offered any options for my bday when it was less than a week before and I was saying I literally have no idea what to do I’m overwhelmed they just kept asking did you plan it yet? So I ended up just picking a random place for brunch lol but it felt like too much to be like “can someone plan my bday for me?” 💀 my take on it is very if they wanted to they would
It’s 4:44
I think it relates to my family too bc from the way their lives have turned out I have this fear of not having any friends bc they don’t have any friends in their 50s 60s and continuously tell me how lonely it is and to make sure that never happens to me and to make sure I keep all my friends lol no pressure! But tbh the reason they don’t have any friends is bc I don’t think they were friends with those people to begin with they were just in proximity and they did not actually care about each other.
I wonder what’s going to show up between Sept 1 - Nov 19 2024 when Pluto goes back into cap and reenters aqua for the next 20 years bc my bday happens in that gap and there’s always something surrounding my bday!!
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