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#these are literal (paraphrased) quotes from today rip
alliluyevas · 3 years
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my fourth period ninth grade class is really energetic and enthusiastic which is often very endearing but also makes me suspect they’d be bouncing off the walls if we weren’t remote...they were on an absolute TEAR today asking non sequitor questions at the end of class, it was like:
Student A: Whats your favorite fruit? Mine is mango. I’m eating an orange right now though *slurps*
Student B: do we get to take World History next year?
Student C: tomorrow can we watch a movie because it’s Friday?
Student B: do you know who colonized Somalia?
Student A: Is a coconut a fruit?
Student D: are we your favorite class?
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samtheflamingomain · 4 years
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RIP Michael Brooks
I’m a huge political junkie, and I’ve been watching everything Michael did on Youtube for nearly 7 years. I literally see him every single day. 
He was only 37 when he died yesterday from a blood clot in the throat. 
He just wrote a book. He had a super sucessful show. He interviewed the likes of Bernie Sanders and AOC. He was in the middle of a fantastic political career, that, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I thought would lead to a run for office.
I never met him, but I feel like a big part of my life is gone. I only listened to 3 shows: Kyle Kulinski, Sam Seder and Michael Brooks. 
Michael was my favorite. He was hilarious, incredibly intelligent, courteous to guests, professional and still fun. Kyle has his charm, and Sam has his dry wit, but Michael made me laugh harder than I thought a political reporter could. 
I watch Youtube with a backlog. I follow over 100 channels, so I add around 15-40 new videos to my “Watch Later” list per day, and keep it at around 300 videos, or about 2 weeks behind. I do watch important stuff when it comes out, though.
So I’ll still be seeing and hearing new Michael Brooks content for 2 weeks. I only mention this because I actually feel so grateful that I operate this way. I may yet hear another one of his fantastic impressions. I may yet hear his bellowing, vocal laugh. 
I watched Sam Seder’s show live today, which I never do, because it was dedicated to Michael. While I try not to cry when people I’ve never met die, I cried when Sam, one of the most stoic-in-the-face-of-tragedy men I’ve ever seen, completely broke down within the first 2 minutes of his report. 
To wrap up, I’d like to quote/paraphrase what he said as his voice cracked and his microphone screetched with feedback.
“As I was coming into the studio today, I was thinking of the best way to eulogize Michael. And... [long pause, voice cracking] And I thought, y’know, if he was watching... I was going to solemnly give the news of his passing and then transition to an ad immediately. I know he would’ve thought that was hilarious.” He would’ve. 
Rest in peace, Michael.
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edgarbright · 4 years
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Life as a Princess: The Once Upon a Time ECB Story
Also known as my favorite story! It’s hilarious, loving, and just all-around wonderful!
Notes: This post is a mixture of direct quotes (not always placed in quotes to identify), my own paraphrasing, and my general tears and exclamations. I’ve fixed in-game typos and included grammatically missing commas for clarity. Screenshots are appropriately capped at 10. Indentations are used for formatting so this is probably best read on desktop.
Enjoy! Please share your reactions with me when you’re done reading~!
Scene 1: The royal bedroom
Alice wakes one morning and it seems like any other ordinary day, except the room is quite fancy. She could have sworn she fell asleep in her own bed last night, but here she is in luxury with with a canopy above the bed and a glittering chandelier on the ceiling. (Nice!) She doesn’t recognize anything, except--
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Alice: “Kyle?! What are you doing here?”
Alice: “Where am I? And why are you bringing me tea?”
Kyle, with a serious expression: “What do you mean? I am simply assisting you with your morning tasks, Princess. That’s the duty of a butler.”
Alice: “Princess? Butler? What’s going on?”
Kyle, smiling: “Are you still sleepy, Princess? Or perhaps—”
(Oh--)
Kyle lifted a finger and brushed my bangs to the side and then placed his hand on my forehead.
Kyle, super close and smiling: “You are feeling unwell?”
We should be asking him that question! Kyle, without a morning hangover? Who is this man!?
Alice proceeds to insist she’s fine and Kyle looks at her in suspicion. He gives her the tea like a good butler.
Kyle, smiling his cute smile: “I finished preparing your change of clothes. If you need any assistance, please call for me.”
Maybe it’s just a dream? But ahh, Alice takes a sip of the hot tea and confirms that she was indeed awake and this isn’t a dream...
Scene 2: Outside the bedroom in the hallway
Kyle, frowning and looking distressed: “Ah, that made my neck stiff. I’m definitely not used to acting like that at all.”
In the hallway, Kyle stretched his right arm up to the ceiling to help relieve stress.
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Loki’s eyes! They’re red! (And goodness he looks good!)
Kyle: “Yeah, Irene seemed very confused.”
Loki, serious expression: “Do you think Alice believed that this is her castle and she’s a princess? I hope she’ll be happy about it.”
Kyle, side-grin: “Well, why don’t we continue this charade and see how it goes?”
This... charade!? Are you saying Alice isn’t a princess!? The audacity--
Loki, smiling: “Okay! Up next is--”
Scene 3: The royal bedroom again
Alice gets dressed and her stomach rumbles as she smells something delicious. Breakfast is served!
I realized that Blanc must have put it there.
There is no mention of Blanc before she thinks that line, which makes me wonder: Alice, does Blanc normally bring you breakfast? Because that sounds good to me.
Blanc’s sprite appears in order announce he has brought her breakfast. Alice thanks him and wonders if he’s a butler like Kyle. Is this still a dream? But our dear Alice has something more prioritizing than solving this mystery
Alice: “This looks delicious! I’ll start with a bite of omelette--”
Blanc, looking surprised: “Wait.”
Just as I had taken my silverware in hand, Blanc gestured towards me and spoke gently.
Blanc: “When you hold the fork and knife, you must keep your elbows at a 90 degree angle Do you understand? Here let me show you.”
Alice: “What? Oh--”
Blanc stood behind me and place[d] his large hands over mine.
(He’s so close to me!)
It felt as if he was hugging me from behind and I froze.
Blanc: “You need to be aware of how you appear in front of everyone.”
EMBRACED BY THE RABBIT! FINALLY! THANK GOD! But then Alice has the nerve to try to deprive us of this moment by saying this really isn’t needed, but Blanc insists!
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A to Z, you say~
Alice is starting to put the pieces together and we get a flashback to Kyle explaining that the King, Alice’s father, wants to see her after breakfast in the royal chamber. Since Kyle is a butler and Blanc is a tutor, Alice wonders if the King is someone she knows...
Having no idea what characters are in this story, I’m wondering too!
Scene 4: The royal chamber
So Alice leaves her room and finds the room labeled royal chamber. She opens the door and--
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I ’ M  S C R E A M I N G  L M F A O
Someone please help me I can’t breathe fffffffffffffff
Alice: “Oliver, is that you?”
Oliver was sitting on the throne with one leg crossed over the other while his foot didn’t touch the ground.
I’m literally crying. This story has already exceeded all expectations and it’s not even close to over yet.
Next to Oliver, Kyle and Blanc stand at attention.
Alice, who maybe needs to go back to bed: “Umm I was called here by the King so is he here somewhere?”
Kyle, surprised: “What are you saying, Princess?”
Blanc, an easy smile: “The King is right here in front of you.”
I’m dead lmao
(Wait, Oliver is King?!)
Oliver, looking serious: “It is I who have summoned you here, Irene. Your fiance is here and you will be married soon.”
Oh God
Alice thinks that hearing Oliver act like he’s her father is really strange, but here I am going wild over that “It is I” style of speech LOL Oliver is just owning it. Actual King Material.
Alice then realizes what he said--
Alice: “Married?! How soon? I can’t do that!”
Oliver, narrowing his eyes: “Do not talk back to me. I am the King and your father so my word is final.”
Oliver stood up and came closer to me.
Oliver: “You will be married soon!”
Alice: “But--”
He took my chin in his hand and looked at me with determination in his eyes.
Keep in mind that kid Oliver is only like 4 foot 8 inches? For me, at least, he’s gonna be reaching well above his head and just soighsosh
Oliver, right in front of her face (!!!): “That’s an order.”
Alice: “Yes, your majesty.”
I was so confused about the whole situation that all I could do in that moment was obey so I nodded.
Oliver, smiling cheekily: “You may enter.”
???: “Yes, your highness.”
Oh God who is it going to be!? The door opened and--
Ray, in his regular attire: “It’s an honor to see you again, Princess.”
Ahh... After Oliver as the spectacular King (I’m still laughing as I write this), Ray as the fiance is a little... underwhelming?
Alice is surprised to see him as the fiance, however!
Just as everyone else had, Ray also referred to me as the princess. He bowed down on one knee and spoke with confidence.
Ray, a little closer and smiling: “Shall we proceed with our wedding ceremony? The townspeople are looking forward to seeing you in a wedding dress, Princess.”
(A-are we to be wed, today?!)
He took my hand in his and kissed it, which made my heart race.
Ray, more seriously: “Will you allow me to escort you?”
Ray stood up and placed an arm around my waist.
(Am I going to marry Ray?!)
I appreciate her not jumping into it lol AND THEN
I looked up at Ray and heard him say under his breath--
Ray, grinning: “That was easier than I’d anticipated.”
Alice: “What do you mean?”
Me: What do you mean???
Ray: “Since I’m marrying the princess, I’ll soon be the leader of this castle.”
That is how it works, ye--- WAIT, RAY IS EVIL!?
(He’s planning to overtake the throne?!)
OMG RAY IS EVIL!
RAY IS A HANS!!! I’M SCREAMING AGAIN!
Alice: “W-wait, King Oliver! My finance’s intentions are not what they seem!”
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RAY!! I know I said it was underwhelming with you as the fiance but also HOW DARE YOU BE EVIL LOL
Alice can’t believe it! Ray? A villain? Impossible!
Suddenly there was a loud knock at the door.
???: “I object!”
HERO TIME! A familiar voice echoed in the chamber and the door opens to reveal--
Loki, smiling and his eyes still red: “Alice will be my bride.”
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THIS GAME! THESE TWO!
Alice: “Are we talking about the Loki I know?”
LMAO ALICE!
I’d say RIP Loki but Loki’s BDE game is strong
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Oh, thank you, I accept--
Alice: “But I think I’m betrothed to someone else--”
Oliver: “Just take Loki’s hand or we can’t follow the script.”
Alice: “Wait, a script?! What are you talking about?”
Ray: “Don’t worry about it and come stand by my side.”
Loki, looking angry: “Wait a second Ray, that isn’t what we discussed earlier! This is the part when the princess takes the real prince’s hand and they run away into the sunset together!”
Ray, making that put-out face: “No, I didn’t approve of that. I think Irene should be with me.”
Blanc, closed-eye smile: “If we can ignore the script then I would also like to play the part of the prince.”
Loki: “No way! I am Alice’s one and only prince and no one else can have that role!”
Kyle: “C’mon let’s just keep this show going! If we can’t decide on anything then I’ll be the prince and end this quickly.”
Ray: “While you guys are arguing, I’ll take the princess for myself.”
Oliver: “Someone who’s just in it for themselves can’t play the part of a prince. I won’t allow Irene to be anyone’s bride and then this will all end.”
I’m dying over this tug of war and also you tell them, Oliver! Everyone going off script but Oliver is still just, I AM HER FATHER and she won’t marry any of you losers if you keep this up!
Loki, still looking frustrated: “Then it won’t end in ‘happily ever after’! Come here, Alice.”
Loki pulls Alice close and stares into her eyes.
Loki: “Hey Alice, you’re my one and only princess. Don’t choose anyone other than me--”
His arms around my waist tightened and his eyes started wavering.
(Hold on, Loki’s eyes are glowing crimson--)
Alice: “Wait, Loki. Are you using magic?”
Loki, startled: “What?”
Harr: “You’re correct, Alice.”
H A R R  D A R L I N G !! A wild Harr appears literally out of nowhere, not even with a flash of magic, as if he’s been there the whole time! I’m ready for Harr to enter the prince competition!
Harr: “You must end this at once, Loki. You shouldn’t use too much magic. And you shouldn’t cause such a ruckus in someone else’s home.”
Loki, going from a shocked expression to his sad one: “O-okay...”
Loki pouted like a little child for a brief moment and then let go of me.
(Loki always listens to Harr and does what he says.)
Harr looking out for Loki’s well-being like a good guardian T_T Loki loving and respecting Harr enough to do what he says. Love it. Love it so much. This story has me in stitches but now my heart feels super soft lol
Then Harr turned to face me. 
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Heroic Harr moment~ Alice is enveloped in white light and when it fades, the surroundings change and she’s at--
Scene 5: Blanc’s house
Alice questions what happened to the castle since this is Blanc’s house.
Harr, smiling that soft smile: “That was an illusion created by Loki’s magic. It was a stage intended to be used in a play.”
Alice: “A play? Wow, and here I thought I’d been dreaming this whole time! Why put on a play?”
Loki: “Well, do you remember that you mentioned how much you admire princesses in fairytales?”
She does and she remembers that she had talked to Loki about it.
Loki, looking sad: “I asked everyone to help out so that you’d feel like you were a princess. I thought it would make you happy, Alice. I’m sorry if it startled you.”
(Oh, Loki--)
Oh, Loki ;~; He loves Alice so much and tries to do right by her. He even gathered everyone to help him out (even if they all betrayed him in the end LOL)! My heart!
His sweet words made me blush.
Loki sometimes does very unexpected things but--
I knew that his intentions were always good.
Alice: “I was surprised but it was fun.”
Alice: “But more than that, I’m touched you would all go to such efforts to do something like this for me.”
Loki: “Do you really mean that?”
Alice: “Of course!”
Loki, with that happy closed-eye smile: “I’m so glad! You’re the best, Alice!”
Loki!! Deserves the world, I’m just saying
I let Loki embrace me as I looked around at everyone.
All of them were smiling and their eyes were sparkling.
(Even though I’m not actually a princess in a fairytale--)
(I’m happier than princess could ever be.)
This is so wholesome oh my goodness. I love all the neutral characters together. I think this might only be our second story starring them all like this?
Blanc, smiling: “Since you’re all here, why don’t we have some afternoon tea?”
Kyle, smiling too: “That sounds good. Okay, I’ll have some tea and then head back to Red Army headquarters.”
Ray: “That reminds me, those cookies you made the other day were delicious. Do you happen to have any left?”
Oliver: “We do. I suppose I could give you some.”
Loki, smiling still: “Yay! Harr, you must join us too!”
Harr, looking distressed: “Is that alright? I wouldn’t want to be a burden to anyone.”
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Me, clutching my chest as I fall out of my chair: I love the happy fluff. I love it so much. Of course Harr wouldn’t be a burden! Blanc, bless him, I love that white rabbit.
Also I love how Blanc kind of ties it all together. The more the merrier! Loki wanted to make Alice happy but he didn’t think he could do it all by himself, so he recruited a lot of other people who loved her too. So lovely! So loving!
The scene fades to white on this last happy moment
It was as if we’d all awoken from a pleasant dream.
And we all lived happily ever after.
The End!
Did you like it? This is one of if not my favorite stories! Getting this ECB was a bit of a gamble since we were given no information about it, but fairy tales are my favorite! I’m still positively delighted that this turned out to be Loki’s Alice! Leave it to Loki to try to make Alice the happiest girl in the world, no holds barred!
Also Harr was absolutely the heroic prince in this fairy tale even if he didn’t end up with “the princess”. In this house we love and cherish Harr Silver. No one does heroic appearances like Harr though so we shouldn’t even be surprised~ But I was still surprised!
Oliver as the King is the greatest thing we have ever gotten in this game and I crave more!
On that happy note, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it! Please come yell with me about this story and Ikerev in general anytime~!
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pensurfing · 5 years
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Tearing Down Other Illustrators Does Not Make You A Better Illustrator.
The title says it all. But you’d be surprised how many mutuals I have that just get a sick kick out of “giving critiques that destroy a person’s whole being” simply because “it happened to them”. 
[[Jesus where to begin where to begin? Maybe disclaimers? Sure. At some point in the post, it will go from my calm, cool, collected tone to “I will cut a bitch’s throat”. If it hurts your feelings then that means the kitchen is too hot for you (probably because you do said nonsense) and now you gotta leave. Go sit, cool off, and then maybe try again. Probably when you’re a better person.]]
Let’s take it back to school:
In school, I failed at being a girl: mainly because I just failed to do ‘girl code’ things because I questioned it a LOT. Some girl code things make sense mind you, but not all of it. One of the girl codes that I questioned was “why are we being mean to the other girl if she didn’t DO anything and especially if she didn’t do anything to you?” Bam. The new target, me. It wasn’t anything I was ashamed about, I just don’t see the need of tearing someone down because they sit outside of your normal. Basically, the undertone of this experience is this: As a girl, if you made fun of other girls, it somehow magically made you prettier and more desired by your crush.” But you learn in grade school that this is not the case, and you especially learn in high school that this made you “a bitch”. Now fast forward a bit, looking back as an adult what were you supposed to learn from this? Girls pick on other girls usually when whatever little power they have is being challenged. Girls can also pick on other girls simply because they find the other girl pretty as well and this causes yet another inferiority complex. It will usually continue for a while simply because no one wants to question the ‘status quo’. 
Why did I bring all of this into play?
As an illustrator, there is such a thing as a genuinely great critique. Great critique states things APPRECIATED about the piece; things that can be better about the piece; and solutions to the piece that the then illustrator can then either use as advice or just take it as the critique it is. 
Then there’s just what I will call ‘straight bad-mouthing critique’. Nothing good to say about the piece, the person actually sits there and asks did the artist put eFfOrT into it. Tells them to just ‘draw more’. And some that just ‘rip the art to shreds’. Nothing good or positive. Said person will even go on to just insulting not only the piece but the artist and their character.  How did we go from ‘the piece in question’ to just calling the artist a terrible person for attempting to draw a ‘insert whatever it was here’? 
I do not give out the perfect critiques. Where someone will see ‘bad anatomy’ I’ll see ‘an attempt at foreshortening, and if they just...’ and I could go on. I see a bright color palette and warm tones in someone’s portfolio, someone else will see it as “you use to similar of colors and you need to get better at setting the mood with color in your pieces.” A difference of opinions is one thing, and it is up to the artist in question to decide which is more helpful. This is a different case and is USUALLY inspiring to create more variety to demonstrate your skills. What I no longer think I can tolerate is just words that do not fit into the situation or critique at hand. 
I have examples: 
I went to a portfolio review and had my artwork looked at by some professionals in the industry. (More professional than my...attempts... LOL! i’M a pRoFeSsIoNaL.) The main push for this was a couple ‘critiques’ that just weren’t helpful, useful, or even good. 
I had five pieces presented to said ‘it’s a coin flip’ critiquers: Designs, Finished pieces, Sketches, WIPs, Roughs, I mean I gave em a LOAD to look at. I sent this to a couple groups where we bounce around ideas and I have left them all and have not regretted a single moment of it. Out of the three I sent them to, two straight up ignored them. (I’m used to my artwork being ignored by my peers at this point. I haven’t gotten any feedback whatsoever to where now I just assume they do not like my art style and just choose to not say anything because it’ll come out wrong.) One group only made the comment that not only rubbed the wrong way but in a way took down a community(?) “It looks furry erotica. Only they would like this.” ((Paraphrasing, but only slightly. The tone towards furries was something I was not ignoring.)) Do not use furies as some group to be looked down upon. And if they’ll like it then dammit I’m printing it. I’m an equal opportunity money grabber here babe. 
“Hey Cait, her leg looks a bit short.” “Hey Cait, the colors here are awkward.” anything along these lines that actually were wrong with the piece could have helped. 
I don’t draw NSFW stuff (I should at this point. It’ll be my step before becoming a stripper.) But no other comment besides that per se doesn’t help encourage or fix what could possibly be wrong. I’ve had a share of bad critiques, but this one was just useless. I stopped showing my pieces in WIPs and rough stages because I just genuinely didn’t get good feedback EVER. It came off as: Caitlin your ideas are slipping, they suck... Caitlin this is just another black girl, what’s your deal? Well damn sway, sorry my black ass drawing black ass art is bothering you. I almost was sick of it. 
Now here is the portfolio review time by pros:
I go to it thinking “I’m just going to get my portfolio reviewed. No way am I good enough to stand in line for the job fair(s) going on.” So I got my reviews, the results? “Hey, I see you really enjoy backgrounds and telling stories with your finished pieces. Why don’t you draw more interiors so that way it cohesively harmonizes together better? It does great now, but you’d do pretty well adding more interiors.” “Wow, your linework is so crisp. Have you tried this technique? You have with recent pieces, great! Lets network.” “Your color choices are breathtaking. Here’s a tiny corner where your craftsmanship failed a bit, try buffing up this corner a bit.”
Good critiques, useful stuff! I was so pumped you know what I did? Went to the job fair half. My results? I have piles of individual business cards and personal. My professional network grew. (I guess I should log in and add things to Linkedin huh?) and I got a single big toe wet. (Not a foot in the door, not feet wet, just that one toe. But hey, ripples start waves. And as a surfer, you just gotta wait for the perfect wave ok?) 
I hadn’t gotten a good critique since college. In college, I will commend my professor for teaching this: How to give a good critique. Did some of my colleagues forget how to do this step? Yes. Do some forget that it isn’t their piece of concept and you can’t make someone DO anything? You bet. But it’s just a shame how with mutuals it’s “Caitlin your art isn’t great and is too black.” versus the reviews and studios that gave me the thumbs up and said, “call me later, otherwise I’m calling you later.”
Now do I think there is a slow “status quo” complex going on in my mutuals because now I’m no longer the sucky drawer? Yes and that’s a new rant for a different post. Does tearing down my artwork help theirs get better? Hell nah fam. They don’t even practice what they preach. 
I said all of this to say: I can’t stand people in ANY group of friends, art group, a community who does this. I can not. What do you benefit? Did your house get bigger? Is your butt bigger? Are you prettier? Is your artwork studio quality? Did a pile of money just land in your lap? 
No. It never works that way.
I started this habit to test out my theory and only one friend has caught on; that one still has my respect. After getting a bs critique, I’ll always ask how a person is doing and they’ll go on about how their day-to-day isn’t as good as usual. The one friend that caught on and I quote: “Woah Cait, I’m sorry. I took my frustration on you, let me look at this on another day when I’m in a better mood.” And guess what? She did. Gave a USEFUL critique and we moved forward. 
Sometimes if you're not in the mood to critique DO NOT DO IT.
I repeat:
If you are in a bitchy mood, do not destroy someone because your life sucks and you wanna take a massive shit on someone else. Doing so isn’t going to fix whatever is wrong in your world. It isn’t going to give you a large sum of money and isn’t going to make you a better illustrator. Do not take the phrase “tearing down the ‘competition’ so literally.
“Caitlin, are you sure you’re just bad at getting critique?” 
Nah. I’m bad at taking BS critique and pointless comments anymore and said critiquers themselves are just upset that I’m no longer being a doormat for whatever is wrong in their life. Other illustrators feel the same way too. 
“Caitlin, why do you look for critiques and get mad at people who don’t give good ones?”
Anyone in any field can acknowledge the fact that when you stare at something too long, you start to blur the object in question together. Is it finished, are there major flaws? A simple solution is just getting a fresh set of eyes to look it over. In any aspect of life: choices you made, something you’re prepping to cook, a document you’re writing, and guess what? A piece someone is drawing. It is a prosaic and even instinctual action to share and express ourselves with others for a response. Look at all the billionaires who invented social media. 
We as a community need to start treating each other better. And when someone asks for a critique, follow these instructions that were on so many damn elementary school walls but cleARLY we need these put somewhere again.
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Be better dolls. Be good and make good choices. This is the last text post I’m writing today. 
TRD: There are some people who still don’t think before they speak and I see it too often in my own life too. So I’m saying something about it. A reminder for something you learned in grade school: Being mean to other girls won’t make you prettier just like tearing down other illustrators and their artwork won’t make you a better illustrator. 
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aion-rsa · 3 years
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10 Best Sonny Chiba Movies You Need to Watch Right Now
https://ift.tt/eA8V8J
On August 19, 2021, legendary Japanese actor Sonny Chiba succumbed to complications from Covid-19. He was 82. If you don’t know Chiba, he was a pioneering martial arts movie stars and a genuine master of the martial arts. Long before Bruce Lee, there was Sonny Chiba.
Chiba was his stage name. He was born as Sadaho Maeda and adopted “Chiba” after Japan’s Chiba prefecture where he grew up.  His Japanese stage name was Shinichi Chiba, but he was known internationally as Sonny. 
Chiba was a natural athlete and a contender for Japan’s Olympic gymnastics team until he was sidelined by an injury. He pivoted to study Karate under the venerated master Mas Oyama, a hardened full-contact fighter who was famous for killing bulls with his bare hands. Chiba went on to earn black belts in several schools of Karate, as well as Judo, Kendo, and Ninjitsu. 
In the 60s, Chiba began his acting career in television, specifically in the costumed superhero genre known as tokusatsu (think Ultraman or Mighty Morphin Power Rangers). From there, he jumped to crime thriller movies and quickly established himself as an action star. In 1970, he formed the Japan Action Club, one of the first groups dedicated to stunt people and martial arts actors. His first explicitly martial arts film part was in 1973 in a film called Karate Kiba. 
Chiba is credited with over 200 roles, predominantly in Japanese martial arts films, however he’s appeared in a few Hollywood projects. While he’s known in the west for his martial arts performances, he’s delivered a wide range of characters, mostly leaning towards grindhouse cinema. Since 1959, Chiba has delivered several projects almost every year. The bulk of his work over the last two decades were direct-to-video projects. His final film Bond of Justice: Kizuna, a Yakuza revenge tale, is in post-production and is slated to be released later this year. 
In honor of Sonny Chiba’s illustrious career, Den of Geek has cherry-picked several of his best and most interesting films. 
Invasion of the Neptune Men (1961)
Since Chiba got his start in tokusatsu, we had to include at least one title from this uniquely Japanese genre, and this one is truly vintage, shot in black and white. Chiba plays an astronomer with a secret superhero identity. He transforms into Space Chief, a caped crusader clad in a metal helmet and sunglasses who is a friend to little children. Meanwhile, the titular Neptune Men are dressed in classic 1950s-style alien costumes, all silvery with ridiculous bucket-like helmets. Yes, this is one of those films that’s so incredibly bad that it’s good, so much so that it caught the attention of Mystery Science Theater 3000, which is the best way to watch it. 
The Street Fighter (1974)
The Street Fighter was a game changer, one of the very first modern Japanese martial arts films to get international distribution. Riding on the wake of one of the first globally distributed Chinese martial arts films, Five Fingers of Death (1972), The Street Fighter established Chiba as a martial arts star in the eyes of the world. If you’re only going to watch one Sonny Chiba movie ever, this is the one. It was the defining role of his career.
Chiba plays the antihero Teri Tsurugi, whose nickname is “Real mean bastard.” It’s a gratuitously violent film for the time, unapologetically so with Tsurugi ripping out throats, breaking necks with wild abandon, and selling women as sex slaves, often while shirtless to show off his macho barrel chest. When The Street Fighter was released in the U.S., it was the first film to get an X rating for violence.
Chiba reprised the role twice in 1974 with Return of the Street Fighter and The Street Fighter’s Last Revenge. The franchise also spawned a spin off trilogy, Sister Street Fighter, starring another genuine martial artist and actress, Etsuko Shihomi. Shihomi frequently starred alongside Chiba. She appeared in Karate Kiba and its sequel, as well as in the original Street Fighter films. Chiba appears in Sister Street Fighter, but as a completely different character than Tsurugi.
Wolf Guy: Enraged Lycanthrope (1975)
This is not a Mystery Science Theater film, but it should be. Wolf Guy is a hard-to-find cult film where Chiba plays Akira Inugami, the last survivor of a clan of werewolves who uses his lupine powers to solve crimes. However, when the moon triggers him (or a comet or the birth of a two-headed calf – Inugami is easily triggered), Inugami doesn’t transform into a hairy beast. He just gets super wolf powers. It’s a strange film, not for everyone except for those who love psychotropic Japanese cinema.
Note that the Japanese title of this film is Urufugai and that’s a phonetic translation of “wolf guy.” “Urufu” is “wolf’ and “gai” is “guy.” This is an example of wasei-eigo, literally “Japanese-made English.”  “Anime” is another wasei-eigo term, derived from the English word “animation.” The Japanese title of Karate Kiba is Bodigaado Kiba – Bodigaado is “Bodyguard.”
Karate Bullfighter aka Champion of Death (1975)
Chiba played his illustrious sensei Masutatsu “Mas” Oyama in a film trilogy based on a biographical manga titled Karate Baka Ichidai (Karate fanatic) by Ikki Kajiwara that began in 1971 and ran until 1977. Karate Bullfighter was the first. Karate Bearfighter came out the same year and Karate for Life was two years later. There’s also an anime version of the manga that came out in 1973. The manga and anime are credited with stimulating a Karate trend in Japan. 
Oyama Sensei had cameos in the first two films. Oyama was Korean, born in Korea while it was under Japanese rule. His birth name was Choi Yeong-eui, but he changed his name after immigrating to Japan in 1938. He died of lung cancer in 1994.
Golgo 13: Assignment Kowloon (1977)
Based on the popular manga series, launched in 1968 and still running to today, Golgo 13 is Japan’s answer to James Bond. He’s an international assassin, a crack shot sniper with Karate chops. Chiba plays Golgo 13 on a mission to sanction a Hong Kong crime boss. This is a classic ’70s grindhouse film, and Chiba captures Golgo 13’s cold-blooded ruthlessness with his signature vicious aplomb. 
Message from Space (1978)
In the wake of Star Wars, Message from Space was a blatant rip-off with a tokusatsu bent. It had Japan’s biggest budget at the time, but you wouldn’t know it now. It’s horribly dated with cheesy special effects, another “so bad it’s good” movie — Mystery Science Theater could have a field day with Chiba’s filmography. Chiba and his street fighting counterpart Etsuko Shihomi shared top billing alongside Vic Morrow. 
Hunter in the Dark (1979)
We had to include one of Chiba’s period films, and Hunter in the Dark is a fine example of the samurai genre. Led by one of the greatest samurai film actors of all, Tatsuya Nakadai, and directed by the influential Hideo Gosha, Chiba is in a supporting role as Shimoguni Samon. When the grindhouse films get too much, this is a welcomed change — an unsung masterpiece by some of the leaders of the samurai genre. 
The Storm Riders (1998)
The Storm Riders was another gamechanger, an epic Chinese fantasy martial arts film based on the manhua by Ma Wing-shing (manhua is Chinese comics like manga is Japanese comics). Starring Ekin Cheng and Aaron Kwok, this special effects-driven film won many accolades at Asian film festivals and ushered in a new era for the period martial arts fantasy film genre known as wuxia. Chiba played the villain, Lord Conqueror. 
Kill Bill: Volume 1 & 2 (2003 & 2004)
Quentin Tarantino cast Chiba as Hattori Hanzo, the retired swordmaker and sushi chef who created the Bride’s (Uma Thurman) katana. It was an homage role. Tarantino was paying respects to Chiba as a longtime fan. He also inserted easter eggs honoring Chiba’s work in Pulp Fiction. When Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson) claims to quote Ezekiel 25:17 – “The path of the righteous man…” – it’s a reference to the opening of Karate Kiba, which paraphrases the same passage in the American version.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)
Chiba played Kamata, a yakuza boss and the father of the films main rival. Like with Kill Bill, Chiba’s Hollywood roles are the most cited in his obituaries, but both were minor in comparison to his vast and diverse body of work.
A prolific actor who did most of his own stunts long before Jackie Chan claimed to do so, Chiba was a cinematic maverick who attacked moviemaking with an unprecedented and unapologetic sense of ultraviolence. While many of his films seem dated and low brow now, his impact on action film is undeniable and his passing marks an incalculable loss to the genre.
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coldalbion · 7 years
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Norse Readalong Week 2: Feeding the She-Wolf
I’m not gonna recap this week, just air my thoughts on major events and themes. Siggeir’s revenge really requires Volsung to show up - to genuinely assume that the fellow is trying to repair the web of reciprocity and kinship. Volsung probably has suspicions, but this is Volsung, one of the greatest hardasses there is. He’s got his men, his sons, and is the wronged party here.
By all the rules of propriety, the disrespect Siggeir paid him by legging it early from the wedding celebration is huge. Not only that, but he tried to buy the sword As others have remarked, there is a complex fertility angle regarding swords/hammers and brides. This is not just about having kids, though obviously that’s part of it - the weapon is a symbol, imbued with potency, which benefits the wielder, but also his line. I’ll just stick this quote here: “Thus it was possible to transfer an ancestor into a sword blade. If we consider the possibility that a famous warrior after his death had his cremated bones transferred into the symbol of power par excellence, the sword, his strength, spirit and luck was passed on to that weapon and it became personified. The meaning of named swords suddenly takes on a new significance.” 
- Lotte Hedeager, Iron Age Myth and Materiality: An Archaeology of Scandinavia AD 400-1000 (2011)    
Later in the saga, we’ll find out how important this sword is, because it crops up again and again along the male line of the Volsungs, and actually gains, or has originally, a name. As we see above, the personification of such a weapon has multiple layers of meaning. It’s interesting to me, then, that Signy tells Volsung not to take Siggeir up on the offer, because her/their kinfylgia  warns her that  disaster will follow. Whether the kinfylgia is an actual spirit which is tied to the family line, or merely that luck-destiny-power which follows and/or emerges from the actions, deeds and circumstances of a kingroup (I’m inclined towards both myself) is immaterial.
Something is trying to warn the Volsungs that this is a bad idea, and it’s manifesting to the female line. This part of the saga, and next week’s, are sort of about emphasising how freaky things get in the Norse magical milieu and in a sense, show that despite its patriarchally structured society, the magical is all about interconnection, intertwining and blurring of the lines - even the supposedly hyper-masculine male Volsung line is constantly and cyclically initiated into Odinic strangeness - just as the saga itself is cyclic, in a sense. But Volsung, being Volsung, overrules his daughter - he points out that if they dissolve the marriage and don’t show, they break the agreement, and thus can’t bind Siggeir in alliance, he won’t trust them, and would do them as much ill as he could in revenge. The honourable thing, and hence the necessary thing is to follow the thing. A word about honour: Many people think that for the folks in pre-Modern societies were all about honour, because honour is all about macho chest-beating and silly rules. That’s a pretty shallow take though. Imagine, instead that you live in a world without a central authority - or at least one so distant as to make law enforcement and enforcement of social mores and social contract a local concern. In a society bound (and there’s that word again) by reciprocity, social currency is paramount - there’s no centralised bank saying what money or goods are worth, what a fair day’s pay is etc  (And even when there was, like Rome or other empires, messing with currency can cause major problems. When your currency gets debased, Legions start revolting.) Imagine then, that one’s honour is kind of a social credit rating and that kin-groups or families are like corporations today. Personal honour is your personal credit rating - it measures how much people trust you, what you can ask for, how much people will come to help you. It also contributes to the credit rating of the entire corporation.  This doesn’t just last one generation, either. The trading power and ability of what becomes the Volsung dynasty derives first from Sigi, the outlaw son of Odin. He’s a rulebreaking mofo like his spiritual father, and yet he still manages to create a kingdom from scratch. What’s more, Odin gains kudos from Sigi - when you’re the god and patron of a king, your cult is going to benefit by gaining more prominence. Rerir manages to survive murderous kin, is still a king worth note but is infertile. Frigg and Odin fix this by application of handy “wish-maiden” - magical female Odin-related powers infused into the line. So magical in fact, that Volsung has his freaky birth, and then marries the same magical girl, doubling down on the dual streams of godly power in the line.   The line is potently fertile - the nameless siblings, and Signy and Sigmund. Just as they’re about to do another fertility related thing - who shows up but the Cosmic-Shit-Stirrer aka Stabby McOne-Eye, The Murder Hobo, who as @edderkopper noted, may actually be performing a wedding ritual, but in a way that makes Odin the groom.
The fact that in that rite, it’s the groom’s sword and that Sigmund pulls it out, suggests, not only that Siggeir isn’t really the proper groom,  but that Sigmund is, to the saga’s audience at least, kind of an Odinic-stand-in,  and also receiving an ancestral weapon.   Thus Odin has, (if I read between the lines correctly) in his own particular way, once-again asserted that these people are mine. He has claimed all the Volsungs, even going so far as to symbolically also take Signy as his bride. Thus, Odin, the rest of the magical milieu and the Volsungs become even more tightly entwined through a series of ritualised interactions that would be hard to miss, to the saga’s audience. The Volsung Dynasty stock has gone through the bloody roof, but it means next to nothing if they gain a reputation as dealbreakers. The positive bits of their strange history become liabilities if people think they can’t be trusted. The name would become associated with negative social capital, and that in turn, would reflect badly on the names of their ancestors by whose deeds they ended up with large amounts of kudos in the first place. The honour of the family as a whole, reaches back and forward through time - a descendant can redeem an ancestor, just as an ancestral name may redeem a descendant despite harsh circumstances. We see this isn a sense, in Rerir’s earlier utiseta. The mound-wisdom enables the fertilising apple - the dead connect to the living. So, is Volsung being an arrogant shit? Or is it that plus the fact he’s actually stuck between a rock and hard place here? If they don’t go, they gain reputations as deal-breakers, don’t get the alliance which would bind Siggeir to them, and thus lose something which will probably benefit the kingdom and family as a whole? Perhaps Volsung, with his experience, has started to regret the match, but he’s confident - he has enough numbers, social propriety on his side, and a good alliance to make. So the whole party ups and heads over to Gautand. Siggeir is planning to straight-out butcher the whole lot of them with an unbeatable army. Signy warns her kin, begs them to go home, but as Volsung says, he made a vow never to flee,  and if he flees, the damage to his reputation, to the entire family’s would be nigh irreparable. Whatever happens to them, he says, she should go back to Siggeir. I suspect Volsung’s thinking here is close to what happens eventually. Any children Signy bears will be of the line of Volsung, and even if they lose, that name will be untarnished because it is the Volsungs who are being betrayed. Those children can theoretically take revenge and rightfully unite both kingdoms. The Volsung name is enhanced either way, and as to paraphrase the Havamal, the only thing that lasts are a man’s deeds and reputation, and hence the glory and social capital his kin gain via the family name. This is such an odd way of thinking to many modern folk; that it it is not only the individual that matters, but how their deeds affect those around them - almost transpersonal in a way.   But back to the saga:
Siggeir wants to slaughter the whole bunch, but Signy convinces him to save her brothers for humiliation purposes, and so they’re put in stocks out in the woods, to die of exposure (a death which even Siggeir admits is harsh). Here’s where it gets odder, and in many respects, the action switches over to the ladies for a bit, and if you suggest that Signy might have been kind of spaewife, or seer, given the kinfylgia appearing to her, what you might call a sort of indirect magical war occurs. Each night, a she-wolf appears and devours one of the imprisoned Volsungs, while Signy works out what to do. This is interesting, because in Norse lore she-wolves are often associated with witches and giants (See Fenrir). When Sigmund, after nine of his brothers have been eaten, and with help from his sister, manages to rip the she-wolf’s tongue out  with his teeth (thus, in a sense, being more of a Wolf than she, eating her) Siggeir’s mother drops dead as the wolf dies, indicating that she was a shape-shifter. Sigmund flees deeper into the woods, becoming an outlaw. In this, he returns to the family’s “area of origin”, echoing Sigi. He lives in an earth-house - a prince living like a common poor person, but also with the potential implied meaning that he is “like the Old Men of the Forest”  by which Odin refers to burial mounds in another lay. In a sense, Sigmund has “gone back to his roots” freed after nine nights bound by the stocks which Bycock’s translation notes, are made from one “great trunk”. While not literal, it’s fairly obvious that the skald was playing on Odinic motifs here - and perhaps the themes might reflect some echo of an Odinic cult.
Sigi sends her boys to Sigmund, each in the hope that they can be used as weapons  to kill her husband, and both are not “stouthearted” enough - twitching at a wyrm, or living thing in the meal. They do not have the guts to do as ordered, so Sigi tells Sigmund to kill them both. Of the two twins, as we shall see, in chapter 7, Signy seems the more horrific trainer of children, but it’s she who levels up in the vengeance stakes, breaking a taboo, or performing a supremely magical act, given the way IE cultures seemed to feel about twins - regarding them as somewhat divine or supernatural. It’s interesting that in their own way, none of the female figures in this saga are shrinking violets. They’re all pragmatic, hardcore people - even Volsung’s mother is hardcore enough to survive pregnancy for six years for goodness sake! While there are obvious gender differences in the way things are done, Signy is no princess-in-a-tower. It is she who masterminds the vengeance of the Volsungs on Siggeir. She who takes Siggeir’s heirs and attempts to fashion them into weapons. She’s a terrible mother.  But a damn good Volsung.
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I like to listen to podcasts while I sketch, and the other day, I put on an episode of Hidden Brain. If you haven’t check this show out, I recommend it. “Using science and storytelling, Hidden Brain reveals the unconscious patterns that drive human behavior, and the biases that shape our choices.” Basically, the show packages psychology and sociology through stories and interviews, making it much more accessible for plebs like me. The episode was “Close Enough: The Lure of Living Through Others.” I thought: hey, that sounds cool! Until it started to describe my life. 
The show opens up with an interview of guy who enjoys doing woodworking projects in his free time. A good deal of what this guy knows about carpentry he’s learned from tutorials on Youtube. He’s a teacher during the day, and when he comes home, he’s confronted with several ongoing projects in his home wood shop. Unfortunately, he’s so drained by the time he comes home from work that, instead of working on, say, building a cabinet, he watches Youtube. Hours of it. He goes down a wormhole of videos, watching other people demonstrate how to, say, clean a car engine, or build a deck, or how to renovate your kitchen. Some of it relevant to him, some not. 
Part of the show is devoted to understanding why people spend hours every day watching experts do expert things. I can happily unpack some of this for you, because, first of all, this guy’s story is my story, too. (Except nobody should trust me to handle a bandsaw, or to, like, educate their children.) I can tell you, unequivocally, that the whole act of passively grazing Youtube absolutely sucks. It’s addicting, but it suuuuucks. The first five minutes are great. I’ve got my bowl of frosted mini wheats and a video of, say, the 2018 Starcraft 2 WCS Global Tournament Grand Finale Match queued up. But I wolf down the mini wheats in, you know, sixty seconds flat, and then I’m facing an hour and forty-five minutes of a professional e-sport player from Finland try to take down another top player from South Korea in the game of Starcraft. 
Seeing that my attention span these days is about the length in time it takes me to eat a bowl of mini wheats, I hop to one of the many videos that Youtube’s almighty algorithm has recommended I watch. Maybe another professional Starcraft match, or a watercolor painting tutorial, or a Vox video about Why Safe Playgrounds Aren’t Great for Kids. Each video provides a progressively diminishing feeling of satisfaction, until, eventually, I feel like a pig at a trough, and it’s no longer about eating because I’m hungry, but because the food is in front of my face. 
I don’t know why I do this to myself. It’s no longer fun. The dull, flat “enjoyment” of Youtube is somehow more comforting than the real world. The world beyond my computer monitor is a place of sensation, and action, and deliberate thought. Youtube is passive, it’s voyeurism, and it’s artifice. I can’t even tell you why I’ve been watching so many professional Starcraft matches lately. When I was younger, holy hell did I put hours into that game (and I was always terrible), but I haven’t played it in years. I’m not a member of the community, and it’s meaningless to me which South Korean player takes the top prize this year. (Because, like, 95% of the world’s best Starcraft players are South Korean.)
I think part of my attachment to Youtube is that I do find it compelling to watch a person do something so well. As a horrendous Starcraft player, it’s kind of amazing to see what these professional e-sport players can do. They’re basically playing an entirely different game than the one I played. Or take programming: I’m new to coding, and very awful at it, so to watch some of these coders absolutely rip through crazy code and produce amazing results with it is, for me, almost entrancing. Honestly, anything that I’m amateur or mediocre at, I want to see how the pros are doing it. 
And, to be fair, Youtube can be a great resource. I have learned a lot by way of guitar, coding, juggling, drawing, to name a few, from tutorials. But most of the content that I’m glued to is mindless, and the the time I spend watching these videos is time I’m not spending practicing guitar or trying to learn how to code. 
I’ll paraphrase a point made in the podcast: These videos are an escape into another person’s life. This passive voyeurism is simpler, cheaper, and the emotional results are “close enough”. You get a taste of what your life could be while eating ice cream on the couch. It’s a substitute for a lacking in your own life. 
I was in a real Youtube spiral yesterday. By the end of the day, my brain was fried. I couldn’t find the excitement to do anything, and when I tried to sit down to read or blog, I couldn’t keep my concentration. It was completely demoralizing. Today was similar. I tried to do some coding this morning, but I kept messing up and getting confused, which only compounded my doldrums. 
As a side note, learning to code has been a struggle this past week. I find myself jumping from lesson to lessons, topic to topic, not entirely sure what I’m doing, or why I’m doing it. Over the past few days, I’ve been trying to understand web applications, and how to construct and launch web pages using Python, Flask, and Bootstrap. But after hours of watching lessons, and writing code, and screwing up my code, I close my laptop and think to myself, Wait, when have I ever wanted to make a website? Was this even any fun? Why am I doing this? 
Eventually, I felt so frazzled that I thought to myself: I literally need to just lie down for an hour and close my eyes. I put in my earbuds and played an episode of This American Life, knowing that I wanted to just invest in one single story for an extended time. Well, I fell asleep, and when I woke up, the episode had finished and the next TAL episode in the queue was playing. Still only half-awake, I really had no idea what was going on, but the episode was about, like, this library that had a really unusual collection, in part because the library would accept books from authors who had been rejected by publishers everywhere else. Or something like that. Don’t quote me. 
In my haze, it hit me like a bolt of lightning: libraries? Libraries! In my slog of coding tutorials this week, I completely forgot that one of my original programming goals was to replicate a working library check-out system. Among other things, it would have databases for storing books and patron information, as well as a search tool that patrons could use to find books. And, of course, I would want to incorporate those little scanner guns. When I first started learning to code, my friend Gus recommended that I have a project in mind, as a means of giving myself something to work toward. I completely forgot about my model library idea, but this is the kind of goal I need to rekindle my motivation. 
So today ended better than it started. And some days, that’s the best you can ask for! 
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sorayahigashikata · 5 years
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Chapter 62: "No Means No 2: Patriotic Boogaloo"
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viralhottopics · 7 years
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‘Are You The One?’ Recap: So It Begins
Jambo, morons! Welcome back to another riveting season of where the success rate is similar to the cast members combined IQs: practically non-existent. But hey, were Americans. We love shit that is destined to failwhether its reality shows or President-elects. Its our cross to bear.
ANNNNYWAYS. So MTV had a hard job to do: top the group of idiots that made up season 4. And thankfully for you, but mostly for me, they did just that. Shoutout to you MTV, you da real MVP.
Also, as many of you know, I tend to feature quotes from my loveable, yet incredibly cruel mother in these recaps. You think Im bad? She once called a woman in Starbucks a psycho bitch because she took the last of the skinny vanilla mix. True story. DM me for details. Lets begin now.
This season MTV really went for #culture and decided to have the show in the Dominican Republic. Even reality shows get island fever, I guess. I mean, you can really only throw so many group orgys/luaus so many times on one show.
Ryan Devlin, the host who you feel bad for like 99% of the time, meets up with the cast and is like you guys all suck at and theyve all been trained to say relationships. Of course they all forget their one fucking line and just sound like they are saying random shit.
RYAN: You guys suck at CASTMATE 1: Relationships! CASTMATE 2: Tomato! CASTMATE 3: Unicorn piss! CASTMATE 4: 9/11 was a hoax!
We meet Tyranny (Mom Quote: IS HER NAME TRANNY!?! theyre so cute when they are mildly offensive) says that all of her boyfriends have either cheated on her or knocked other girls up. In the words of Donald Trump: Sad! Very Unfair!
Theres Jaylan who used to be a loser, hit the gym, now gets pussy. Male Laney Boggs. Tale as old as time. Moving on.
Taylor: hottest girl on the show easily, talks about how her dad would kill some of the men she has dated, low-key concerned for her safety and the safety of others.
Theres Joey, the povo as fuck part-time garbage man who spent his last remaining dollars on a gaudy watch. Obviously a very smart investor. Didnt know sent kids on scholarship. Im just happy hes honest about being a garbage man and doesnt try and be like Im a sanitation assistant. Not that any of them know what sanitation means.
Joey is def hot though10/10 would bang, just to get hook up with blue collar worker off my bucket list.
REAL PICTURE OF JOEY:
THE FIRST DATE RULES
Ryan explains about how they do comprehensive interviews and questionnaires to develop and algorithm that eventually finds their match. You know poor Joey didnt know what was happening after comprehensive.
This season, theres another twist: there are 11 guys and 11 girls, but they only get ten chances. Obviously MTV was giving away too much money with this show, so they made more couples. What? Youre thinking it.
For the first date, MTV acted like a bunch of fucking narcs and sent bios to the contestants’ parents so mom and dad can pick who they think is a match. Everyone is like, Mom dont fuck this up for me.
My mom: If you were ever on this show I would literally never acknowledge you again. (Fair enough.)
Joeys mom picks Carolina, whos like okay cool, whatever. She doesnt know hes a garbage man yet, so give her a break.
Hannah’swho is from my hometown, hey girlfamily picks Oswaldo, a self-described horny genius. Welp, I think a line like that means its time for a shot. Brb.
Anyway, Hannah is like I would rather eat my own spleen then date Oswaldo. (paraphrase)
Giannas mom chose Hayden and they start hugging and are like . Fucking spare me. The other fucking losers have to send these couples to the truth booth after their date.
BACK TO THE HOUSE
The castmates get to their dungeon for the next few months and drinks are flowing and shirts are off. I remember my first sip of alcohol.
Cassandra is drunk and is wanting to touch everyones face. She like Im so flirty when Im drunk which is a weird way of saying Im a hoe.
Its Mikes birthday today. Hes like its my birthday so someone fuck me. *plays Birthday Sex* *stares aggressively at all the women*
Mike describes himself as a typical Staten Island boy. His hobbies include moisturizing, mispronouncing half the English language and fapping off to girls who look like Snooki.
Ozzy is a local, so you know he is dirty as fuck. Kathryn goes to Florida State, you know shes hot as fuck, but also borderline brain-dead.
Shes like I WANT TO BE A TEACHER! and its like, sure ya do sweetie, and I want to be a fucking astronaut. Stick to what you know and continue being a TFM girl.
Ozzy and Kathryn both want to be teachers. Snoreeeeee. Shes already like Im in lovewell folks, weve met the stage-5 clinger for the season.
Michael the douchebagnot be confused with Mike, the little man from Staten Islandis laying it on THICK to Taylor and she is not having it. Taylor has officially become my favorite on the show so far.
MICHAEL:Hey pretty lady TAYLOR:Ew seriously? Girls with asses like mine do not talk to guys with faces like yours.
Shes like youre so full of shit and Im like SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, TAYLOR.
Hayden and Gianna are talking about how they both have dogs and both like corn and other pretty basic shit and decide theyre going to be together forever.
GIANNA: I breathe air HAYDEN: No way, I breathe air!!!
They both have the flyover state bond, with Hayden being from Indiana and Gianna being from Ohio. Its always cute to see two people from middle America bond and discuss the fact that they fucked the rest of us over. True love.
Everyone is like Hayden and Gianna are a match, even though theyve all known each other for 3 seconds.
Joey the trash man is telling people that hes going to be a carpenter, much like a 3rd grader would say Mommy, Im going to be a superhero! Shannon brings me the biggest laugh of the night by asking him to do her carpets, clearly not knowing what a carpenter is. Shit like that makes me miss my sorority.
Ozzy is chain-smoking and being like I DONT WANT TO BE THE OLD ME. Aka, me on New Years Eve.
Kathryn and Ozzy are drunk as fuck and being flirty and going WE WANT TO HELP KIDS!!!! You stay the fuck away from my future children, Rush-Boobs and Ozzy.
Michael is talking to Gianna and starts telling a sob story about how he was chubby and he blossomed. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one. No seriously, every fucking season they have one of these guys.
MTV CASTING: Ok we need at least one hick, one former fat dude, one ripped black guy and one oddly feminine guy. Search the fucking country.
Michael starts asking Gianna about her open-heart surgery, gets bored halfway through and just starts sucking her face. Okay. Well that escalated quickly. Quote from mom: He doesnt give a shit about her faulty heart. Hes trying to get laid. Profound.
Rush-Boobs wants to make Ozzy jealous and starts low-key hooking up with Mike. Fantastic logic, cant wait for you to educate our youth.
Then we meet Andre, who has trust issues because the girl he liked since 8th grade literally sat on his friends lap. Meanwhile, Tyrannys boyfriends are having children, but OKAY. #dramatic
Alicia is the perpetual sidepiece, aka every womans enemy.
Ozzy and Kathryn already think they are a match and Ozzy forgive Rush-Boobs for hooking up with Mike because hes a cheater too, so this is karma. Wow, how fucking zen of you.
THE DATE
Hayden dresses in camo for the date and Gianna is like You can take the boy out of Indiana, but you cant make him dress like a normal fucking human.
Its very clear Gianna is over Hayden, whereas Hayden hasnt been this excited since he attended a Donald Trump rally last summer.
GIANNA: FML HAYDEN: *excitedly whispers* Build that wall! Build that wall!
Joey just looks like a trash man, like, just in life. He has resting garbage man face.
Hannah does not like Oswaldo, its very obvious. Shes going to call her parents and demand a raise in her monthly allowance for making her suffer through this bullshit.
Gianna starts kissing Hayden and shes like Ill give him a chance. How fucking noble of you.
Carolina and Joey are talking about their parents and Joey tells her that he would never cheat on a girl and Carolina damn near creams her pants. They kiss and meanwhile the whole audience is wondering does she know hes a trash man? That dramatic irony, doe.
THE TRUTH BOOTH
ShockerHayden and Gianna to the truth booth. Michael is like WE MADE OUT LAST NIGHT but Im not jealous.
MICHAEL: Im not even mad! NARRATOR: Michael was, in fact, very mad.
Ah, but there is a truth booth twist! They can trade in truth booth and add $150,000 to their prize. But if they take the money then Hayden and Gianna can never get sent back together.
The house is torn. Im torn. Im all out of faith, this is how I feel.
*Starts Twitter poll asking people what they would do*
They decide not to take the trade, which my mom and I both agree is stupid.
And lookie here: No match. So thats done.
Michael is thrilled. My mom thinks he looks like a baby rat. Cannot un-see that.
Gianna gives a speech basically saying that she didnt feel it the whole time and everyone is like okay cool thanks for telling us, *whispers* ya fuckin bitch.
We also very quickly meet Kam, who has a rotation of men because #feminism. And Edward, who has a chest tattoo. Thats it for now.
Gianna goes to hang out with Michael and hes over it. He makes her cry, I dont really care, blah blah blah, moves on with life. Gianna and Michael are going to be the annoying couple this season. Buckle up.
MATCH CEREMONY
This season they have the blackout rule again but this time they cut the winnings in half if they blackout. Thats way harsh, Tai.
First is Kam and Eddy. Shes building up her newest rotation.
Taylor picks Tyler, who is hot. Wait what? Why did they not introduce the hot guy? What is this fuckery, MTV? They also sound like they could be identical twins.
Kari, dont know her yet so whatever, picks little man Mike.
Casandra picks Kaylen.
Caroline picks Joey.
Tyranny and Oswaldo. Can I just call you Tee? Im going to call you Tee, because Im one letter away from being low-key fucked up.
Giannas dumb ass is up and shes like I HAVE A GREAT CONNECTION WITH MICHAEL so obviously shes going to pick Ozzy.
Tee and Alicia are pissed and threatening to curb stomp this bitch. Fuck yes, this is what I signed up for. Gianna is like Leave me alone everyone, Im proving this to Michael! Literally all you proved was that youre crazy AND stupid.
Hannah picks Michael.
Alicia picks Andre.
Rush-Boobs picks Derek, who is also hot as fuck. Also, Rush-Boobs laugh reminds me of Kitty from. I know. Its all you can think about now.
Shannon, who btw really needs her carpets cleaned, picks Hayden.
Well this is excitingthey get two matches. Not bad for week one. They dont make me want to kill myselfyet.
Ryan gives the follow your heart speech that we hear every fucking episode and the cast goes back to the house to turn the fuck up.
So far, off to an interesting start. Gotta say, good-looking cast this season. Dumb as rocks, but good-looking. Come back next week to see what other shit I can talk about my peers who are doing far worse than I am. Peace, bitches.
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from ‘Are You The One?’ Recap: So It Begins
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