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moonflowerchanniesgirl · 2 years

Text

Serendipity

Zemblanity Part 2 Serendipity Part 1

Pairing: lee know x female reader (referred to as Ember)

Genre: angst, idol lee know x choreographer reader, ex fwb to?, ex best friends to? some fluff toward end

Word count: 9.5 K

Warning: much angst, mentions of sexual relations (no outright explicit scenes), mentions of miscarriage, depression, swearing, an insert into the kingdom time period so a lot of references to that and what happened around that. Mentions of hyunjin’s bullying scandal

Summary: You never meant to meet him again, and after years of dodging him all the feelings and memories hit you all at once. Is it fortune or is it woe when you have to be around him again?

Authors note: this is not an accurate representation of stray kids or any of the idols mentioned but an interpretation based on an idea that stems from them. I’m not the greatest at writing a happy ending but I tried my best. Theres quite a bit of time that passes but I tried to make it as realistic as possible. I hope ya’ll enjoy.

“I'm sorry, I’m so sorry I can’t do it Saerin I can’t,” you could barely get the words out over your sobs. It had taken everything for you to collect yourself from the JYP dance studio and leave without showing everyone in the building how absolutely miserable you were. You managed to make it back to your apartment before collapsing on the floor and calling Saerin.

“Breathe darling I need you to breathe, remember the breathing exercise?” You could hear Saerin’s voice over the phone but at that moment she sounded so far away. You put her on speaker and dropped the phone beside you so you could move your hands onto opposite shoulders. You tried to breathe in and out as you tapped your hands against your shoulders while Saerin sent encouragement over the phone. It took a couple of minutes but finally, you managed to stay breathing on a steady rhythm and the tears had stopped.

“I can’t do it,” you said as your hands flopped down to your sides.

“I understand, I’m sorry that I pushed this onto you.”

“How do I always manage to fuck everything up?”

“That’s not true.”

“The look on his face, I hurt him so much,” you could still picture Minho’s face as he left the room and you felt the tears threaten to come back. “He was crying. He hates crying. I never should have shown up in front of him.” You had never meant to hurt him. At first, you just needed to get away from him because you knew that if you saw him you would seek comfort from him. And then? Even the pain of losing your unborn child has become controllable, the fear in you grew. It was just easier to continue to hide, to run away. Eventually, you were sure that he would forget you entirely. Then you wouldn’t need to ever tell him anything. You would carry the pain and hurt by yourself. Your punishment to yourself while he would move on and be happier than you ever could. Instead, he hadn’t forgotten about you, you had hurt him so deeply that he couldn’t forget. “He recognized me right away and he asked me to explain.”

“What did you say?”

“I couldn’t explain anything, I couldn’t tell him and have him...”

“Have him?”

“Have him hate me any more than he already does…” you finally said it out loud, the reason that had been haunting your dreams at night. You never told Saerin because you never wanted to say it out loud in case you accidentally willed it into reality.

“That’s the reason why?”

“I know he hates me for disappearing and he has every reason to but… if he hated me for…” You could no longer get the words out. The one thought that you had when you hated yourself the most was that things would be so much worse if he hated you too.

“He could never hate you for that.”

“He loves children, he often spoke about wishing he had a younger sibling to take care of. I once saw him help a woman with a crying child and the moment he held the baby, it stopped crying.” That memory had kept you up many nights after the incident. The smile on his face as the baby smiled at tried to grab at his face. Minho had looked over at you with the silliest grin as if to say ‘see even babies love me’.

“What happened wasn’t your fault! You didn’t know.”

“But I should have known! All of it was my fault! If I just paid more attention!” You and Saerin had this conversation quite a few times and not once had she managed to convince you that it wasn’t your fault. You had just chosen to drop the subject because no matter what she said, you knew that if you had been a bit more careful…you could have kept your child alive.

“Oh, Ember…” You heard Saerin sigh and felt even more guilty. She didn’t deserve to have you here throwing a tantrum when you already were making things difficult by being unable to take this job.

“Just, please tell JYP I can’t do this, I can’t see him and he most likely won’t want to see me anymore either. I’ll take on more classes to make up for the penalty fee.”

“Alright don’t worry I’ll take care of it, do you want me to come over?”

“No, I just want to sleep right now.”

“Okay promise to call me if you need me, I’m here for you.”

“Thank you,” with that you hung up and just closed your eyes willing the darkness to swallow you up whole.

You weren’t sure if it was your ringtone or the pain in your back that woke you up first. You slowly sat up from where you had fallen asleep on the floor and reached around in the general direction of the sound to find your phone. When you finally grabbed it you saw that it was 11 am and the number that was calling you was an unfamiliar one. You picked up thinking that it was someone calling about something related to the dance group.

“Hello?”

“Hello is this Ember?” You felt your eyes widen at the voice on the other end.

“Chan?”

“Haha yeah, I hope you don’t mind I got your number from our manager.” “I see…” You had been sure that there was no reason for the Stray Kids leader to personally call you. Had Minho gone back and told him everything? Was this a call to tell you to never appear in front of them again? Your mind raced with all the different scenarios that would lead to Chan calling you.

“Our manager told us that you decided to back out on being our choreographer.”

“Um yeah,” you were confused about where this conversation was going.

“Could I ask why?”

You almost smiled in spite of the situation, such a reliable leader trying to figure out this situation himself instead of just listening to his manager. Such a nice person that you were pushing into a shit situation of having to find another choreographer with very little time to spare. “Just personal reasons,” was all you could say without directly lying to him.

“Does it have something to do with Minho?” The air left your lungs as soon as his name got brought up.

“What do you mean?” You knew that you should have just hung up and blocked Chan’s number but a part of you wanted to know what Minho said about you. How he explained what had happened between the two of you. What words he used to describe you.

“Our manager said Minho stayed later to work something out with you yeah? When he came back to the dorm he seemed quite upset but he wouldn’t say anything to any of us. And then this morning our manager told us that you were quitting. I was just wondering if maybe something happened between the two of you?”

“Oh,” you were relieved to know that Minho hadn’t told the rest of the boys anything but you also felt awful knowing that he had gone back to the dorm noticeably upset. You knew how much Minho never wanted to actively show others when he was upset or suffering. It had been one of the few things the two of you had argued about. When he had sprained his ankle but refused to tell anyone about it until someone noticed how swollen it was. You had scolded him the whole time he was getting it bandaged up while he just smiled and laughed like he wasn’t in pain. ‘A little rough wear and tear’ he had said while you just smacked him in the chest.

“Look I don’t know what happened but if it's because of something Minho said or did please know that it’s most likely a misunderstanding. He’s a bit rough with words but he always does mean well even if it doesn’t come across that way.”

“I know,” oh if only Chan knew how much you actually agreed with him. How many times Minho had criticized your dancing only to stay behind and practice with you until you were confident. How he laughed at you for forgetting to bring an umbrella only to walk you home even though he lived in the opposite direction. “Don’t worry it’s nothing to do with Minho, I just have some personal issues I need to deal with.” You added lying to Chan to your mental list of sins.

“Hyung?” It was soft but you’d recognize his voice anywhere. There was a sudden silence that came from the phone that you recognized as being put on mute. Just as you were going to hang up you heard his voice again, this time much clearer. “So you’re just going to disappear again?”

“I-” there wasn’t anything you could say back to him because that was exactly what you had been planning.

“It’s always so easy for you to just fucking leave huh?”

“I’m sorry,” you apologized to him once again.

“Do you know how hard it is to find another choreographer this late? Round one is in a week, by the time we find someone suitable we won’t have any time to rehearse.” You recognized the anger in his voice, the same anger he had when he asked you to explain yourself.

“I can recommend some suitable people,” you said knowing that you would owe some favors but you were willing to do that and much more for Minho.

“It’s not that simple, our team at JYP needs to go over their work and multiple meetings need to be scheduled and we don’t have time for that.” You could hear a slight fumble on their end that sounded like Chan asking for the phone but Minho let out an almost growl-like hush and then you didn’t hear anything further from Chan.

You tried to think of a way to try and fix the mess you made but were drawing up a blank leading to your silence. The silence finally led Minho to speak again.

“I already know where you’ve been and what you go by so what’s the point of quitting and running away again?”

It almost sounded like he didn’t want you to quit. Yet you couldn’t bring yourself to believe it, to believe that he wanted anything other than to never see you again. “I thought it might be better if you didn’t have to see me anymore.” You owed him that much truth at least.

You heard a snort come from the other end of the phone. “Ha, you really think that highly of yourself huh? I’m a fucking professional, I can put aside any personal feelings I have for the sake of my team. I thought you were a professional too Ember.”

It was both painful and a relief to hear him call you that name. To know that he was the still same Minho who put others before himself, who was willing to work with you for the sake of Stray Kids. Yet at the same time, it proved to you that you guys could never go back to how things were, to be just Minho and yourself again, lost in youthful innocence. If he was willing to go so far then what right did you have to inconvenience their group for your own sake?

“I understand, tell Chan and your manager I’ll be there at two.”

MIROH (Kingdom Version)

True to his word Minho Lee Know was a complete professional when you entered the dance studio, this time all eight members of Stray Kids were already there waiting for you. His expression did not change at all when you walked in. In comparison, Chan looked much more nervous as he glanced between the two of you. You weren’t sure how much Lee Know ended up telling Chan but you weren’t going to be the one to bring it up in front of all the others. You knew that Lee Know wouldn’t have told the rest of the kids anything so you kept your mask on in case any of them would have recognized you.

“I apologize for the confusion I must have caused,” was all you said as you gave them a sincere bow. The moment you straightened up before the others could reply you opened your bag and brought out your notebook. You motioned for everyone to join you as you sat on the floor. “I came up with rough positions and some ideas for what would look good. I’d like your input and if everyone is fine with my plans we can start practicing.” There was a moment of stunned silence as the kids clearly didn’t think you would be so prepared. Lee Know was the first to react and sit just close enough to be able to see the notebook pages you laid out on the floor. The others were quick to join him, Felix and Chan sitting closest on either side of you. “I read through the briefing and the first round for Kingdom is similar to the first round of Road To Kingdom in how the staging and cameras are set up. How familiar are you all with moving cameras and one-take shots?” You looked toward the leader Chan for an answer.

“Yeah we don’t really have much experience,” Chan answered with the rest of the kids nodding.

“There’s a couple of ways to do this first introduction stage. I’ve been told that you guys want to work the finer details of things out yourselves and that I’m here for general ideas, overall structure, and any help you might need. Here I’m going to lay out what options you have and you guys can decide which you like best.” You glanced around to make sure everyone understood (skipping over Lee Know ). “Since it’s the 100-second introduction stage you have the option to go relatively simple just focusing on your dance with a few camera angle changes. This option will be most familiar to you guys and would just be like performing at any normal music show. The most important thing to think about is how to change up some aspects of the original dance to spice things up a little bit. This option probably won’t super impress anyone but you have a bigger chance of playing the underdog card and wowing people with a much more dynamic performance later.”

“That sounds kind of boring,” Seungmin said while Hyunjin and Han nodded.

“In all honesty, this is kind of the route I wanted to suggest you guys take,” you held out a hand to stop Hyunjin who opened his mouth planning to cut you off. “ I know you have a fan meeting that you're already rehearsing for so this would be the easiest option.” You had asked for an overall schedule after you called their manager to confirm that you were indeed back on board to work with them. They had a fan meeting and 3racha had already planned out the hours they would be working to get an early start on making songs for the show and their next album.

“What’s the other option?” Lee Know asked and you finally looked at him for the first time that day. There was the familiar fire in his eyes and you almost knew that it had been pointless to even make two plans.

“The other option is to start with the loudest bang. Go full out with camera angles, props, flips and tricks. I can’t speak for the other teams but I know that this is probably the option that The Boyz team are going for. You guys have less experience with this compared to them so that would most likely mean practicing till early morning right from the start of the competition and having a target put on your back. Not only would there be more difficult moves added but the most important thing would be working on timing for the one-take shot.”

“That’s more our style isn’t it?” Changbin said.

“Ember’s right though about the fan meeting practice and how little time we have.” This time Jeongin was the one that spoke and you were quite impressed with how freely they let the maknae participate in decision making.

“But don’t we want to look super cool in front of all the juniors and seniors?” Hyunjin chimed in with his thoughts.

“But the lack of time to practice might mean we mess up in front of them or worse someone gets hurt,” Jisung voiced his concerns and everyone fell silent. You could almost hear the gears turning as each member was weighing out the risk and benefits in their heads.

“Chan hyung, what do you think?” Felix asked their leader who had yet to utter any opinion of his own. Everyone turned to look at Chan.

“I think… that I will leave the decision to our dance team leader,” Chan said as he gestured toward Lee Know. “ I will trust his judgment on which one he thinks we can handle and would be good for us and support him in whichever decision he makes.” Everyone then turned to look at Lee Know who had a much more relaxed expression compared to the others.

“If you’re leaving it to me then, of course, it’s the second plan,” he spoke in the most matter-of-fact tone like the answer had been obvious the whole time. “We’re pro idols so of course, we’re going to give the most explosive performance.”

“Ah hyung, why do you have to be so cool,” Jisung said as he lightly punched Lee Know’s arm and the rest of the kids laughed along. You could only smile and agree with Jisung as you laid out the plan for option two.

You winced as you watched the video of Felix colliding straight into Jisung and then missing his cue to help Hyunjin jump. The kids had just finished their camera rehearsal and you were all monitoring the footage. The cameras were still rolling so you couldn’t say anything yet but you watched Jisung and Felix like a hawk to make sure that they weren’t injured. You could understand the mistakes that Felix had made. The past few days had been a combined frenzy scramble of rehearsals till early morning, their fan meeting, testing out their props, and working out on the timing everything. You, Lee Know, and Chan had worked closely to make this performance as dynamic and tight-knit as possible. There wasn’t much room for error and if you had to guess it seemed the pressure was maybe getting to Felix. As the camera turned off and the boys walked back to their dressing room, you saw Chan and Lee Know grab Felix so you made your way toward Jisung.

“You okay?” You asked him as you walked next to him.

“Yeah I’m fine, how’s Felix?” Jisung asked as he looked around for the younger Australian.

“Chan and Lee Know have got him, probably trying to figure out if he’s okay. But are you sure you’re good? He landed on you pretty hard, any soreness or anything?”

“Don’t worry about me, it’s okay if I get hurt but Felix he has more difficult dances to do so it’s more important that he’s okay.”

“Han Jisung,” You stopped and just stared at him while he stopped because you had. “Don’t you ever say anything like that again.” In the few days you worked with the boys you saw how hardworking and just generally nice they were. Oftentimes Jisung had been the one to crack jokes when the mood was down because everyone was so tired. He offered you food on more than one occasion in the wee hours of the morning when the sun had risen but they still needed to rehearse more. The fact that he seemed so okay with getting hurt if it meant Felix didn’t reminded you painfully of someone else. “Everyone on this team is important for this performance to be perfect so it matters if even one of you is unwell or hurt.” You repeated the words you had told Minho all those years ago when you were close enough to scold each other.

“Ah, that sounds like something Minho hyung said once,” Jisung said it so innocently but you felt like you had been stabbed in the heart. Making as quick a recovery as possible you decided to focus back on the matter at hand.

“So Jisung are you okay?” You asked as you hoped that he wouldn’t notice how you didn’t acknowledge what he said.

“Well, honestly my shoulder is a little sore from cushioning Felix’s weight.”

“Alright let’s get you a sports patch for now and make sure to tell anyone if it gets worse.” You lightly patted his head to show how good you thought he was being. You pushed the memory of patting someone else’s head back into the corner of your mind where it had crawled from.

“Changbin said you talked to Jisung, how is he?” His voice nearly gave you a heart attack as you quickly whipped around clutching the tea you had gotten from the vending machine.

“Fucking hell,” you nearly screamed before you remembered that you were around possible cameras. You looked at Lee Know who had the ghost of a smile on his face before he retorted to the neutral expression he had whenever he talked to you.

“Didn’t mean to scare you,” he said with a slight shrug. “How’s Jisung?”

“He’s mostly fine, his shoulder is a little sore but doesn’t seem injured. He’s got a patch on and he promised to go to one of the managers if the soreness gets worse. You could have just asked him yourself.” You replied a little bit bitter about how much Lee Know had managed to scare you.

“He doesn’t like talking about his own pain and would just tell me he’s alright if I asked.”

“So why did you think that he would tell me anything?” You asked before you could remember that you had been trying to only speak to Lee Know under professional circumstances.

“You were always surprisingly good at getting stubborn people to talk.” Lee Know walked away before you could get a look at the expression on his face. You stayed standing there for a few extra moments to convince yourself that the rapid beats of your heart were still due to him scaring you.

自神 Side Effects Gods Menu

“What do you mean Hyunjin went back to his parents’ house?” Lee Know frantically asked a very tired looking Chan

“It’s the director's orders that he can’t be seen with us for a while when he’s reflecting. That means he can’t be spotted around the dorms either.” Chan spoke as he rubbed his temples and you could only marvel at the amount of pressure that he had to have been under.

“So they expect us to continue this competition show while all of this is going on?” Changbin asked with disbelief clear in his voice.

“All the members in the meeting stated that we couldn’t give up this opportunity because of him, and Hyunjin had agreed with them,” Chan said.

“Didn’t his teacher and classmates come out to defend him?” Felix asked, clearly confused by the situation.

“Yeah but public opinion still isn’t great,” and you had to agree with Chan on that. You had gotten numerous check-in phone calls and texts to ask you about working with Hyunjin and if he bullied you.

“When is he going to come back?” Jisung asked the question on most of their minds and Chan could only shrug in response.

“Whenever they deem him ready,” he said, looking more and more defeated.

“That could mean never,” Seungmin suddenly brought the idea up and the mood in the room got even worse.

“Did you even try to convince them otherwise?” Lee Know asked as he took steps toward Chan. Every eye in the room went toward Lee Know.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Chan’s voice was dangerously low and that’s the moment you realized what the kids had meant when they said Chan was scary when mad.

“I don’t know, I just thought as the leader you really just accepted whatever they decided.” The two men were now inches apart. Felix finally couldn’t take the intensity and tried to insert himself between the two.

“C’mon Minho hyung there’s nothing Chan could have said or done,” Felix said.

Chan and Lee Know continued their staring contest for a few moments longer before Lee Know abruptly turned and left the dance practice room. Chan moved to follow but he was pulled into a hug by Felix. That was the moment when you and the other members noticed that Chan was crying. The other kids looked around at each other unsure what to do. Most of them moved toward Chan while you saw Changbin and Jisung look at each other and then at the door Lee Know left through.

“I’ll go after him, you guys stay here and take care of Chan,” you said to Changbin and Jisung, unable to just be a silent observer in this situation. They nodded at you and you moved swiftly out the door already knowing where you would most likely find him. The rational part of you complained about what you were trying to do. After spending this whole time trying to keep a purely professional relationship with Lee Know, you were stepping back into a territory that was reserved for close friends. But you couldn’t help yourself not when you recognized the destructive behavior he presented. You pushed open the door to the stairway and was met with Lee Know sitting on the first step down. You didn’t say anything as you shut the door behind you and plopped down beside him.

“What are you doing here?” He asked the venom very clearly present in his voice.

“To listen to what’s on your mind,” you answered and from the corner of your eye, you saw Lee Know to relax slightly. Stairways were his favorite spots to calm his mind when his emotions ran too high. In the past, you were always the one to chase after him after he exploded at someone or something. You’d sit with him and the two of you would just talk until he calmed down enough to go back. Those were some of your favorite moments as he leaned his head against your shoulder and spoke his mind.

“Why do you even care?” His question knocked you out of your memories and you turned to look at him. The anger was clear in his eyes, and you started to wonder if you should have let Changbin or Jisung or any of his other members chase after him. Were you too cocky to think that you still deserved to be the one to try and comfort him? You moved to stand up and get someone else to take your place but you felt his hand grab your arm.

“Lee Know?” You were unsure what he wanted in this situation.

“You’re already here,” was all he said as he released your arm. You sat back down next to him. The two of you sat quietly not looking at each other. “Was Chan hyung upset with me after I left?” Lee Know suddenly asked.

“He was crying,” you replied, not softening anything at all.

“Fuck,” Lee Know muttered barely louder than a whisper.

“You hit him where it hurt.”

“I know, but I wasn’t trying to hurt him, or maybe I was… I don’t even know what I was trying to accomplish by saying that to him.”

“You wanted him to hurt not because you wanted to hurt him but because you’re hurting.”

“Why would I be hurting?”

“I don’t know why don’t you tell me?” There was more silence as you watched Lee Know try and process his emotions. Truth be told you knew the moment he lashed out at Chan what this was all about but you still needed him to process this for himself.

“Of course, I’m upset that Hyunjin had to go to his parent's house for the foreseeable future like some child put on time out.”

“And why lash out at Chan?”

“The rest of us have no power but Chan might have been able to do something. He’s been here the longest and PDnim loves him.”

“You know Chan would literally give his life for anyone if you. So if there was something he could have done, he would have.” You knew Chan less than a month but you saw how he treated everyone and the things he did for the kids.

“So he’s just as powerless as the rest of us.” Lee Know sighed as he leaned against the wall.

“I don’t think there’s anything that anyone could have done in this situation.”

“So then what, we just wait until he gets the okay to come back?”

“Honestly yeah, wait for him, check up on him often to make sure he’s okay.”

“And if he doesn’t come back? What then?” The bite was back in his voice and once again it hit you how hard you must have hurt Lee Know. He wasn’t supposed to still be hurt, he was supposed to have forgotten you.

“You just gotta trust in him, in your team, and in your company. Everything else we have no control over.” You didn’t know what else to say so you just gave him the honest truth. He couldn’t control this moment and you knew that it killed him inside but you also knew that he needed nothing but the truth. No sugar-sweet lies because oftentimes those hurt more than the truth ever would.

“I hate that you still know me so well to know exactly what I need to hear,” he said the bite completely gone from his voice. All that was left was tiredness and a tinge of sadness.

“I’ll go get Chan so you can tell him what’s on your mind,” you said as you got up and headed toward the door.

“Thanks,” his voice was soft but you heard it clearly and you felt your heart clench.

“I don’t deserve it,” you said just as you closed the door, hoping that he didn’t hear it. You walked back to the dance studio and knocked before pushing the door open. The members were now sitting down in a circle discussing something, they looked toward you in confusion when you didn’t step in.

“Chan, can you come with me for a sec?” You asked and Chan must have understood what you needed when he wordlessly got up and followed you out. His eyes were still a little red and puffy but it seemed the other kids had calmed him down enough that the tears had stopped.

“Is he alright?” Chan asked as soon as you guys were a few steps from the dance studio.

“Just a little emotionally wound up, I think by now the guilt of lashing out toward you is what affecting him the most. Be gentle with him yeah?”

“I know he didn’t mean it.”

“Well just let him apologize, if he doesn’t he might just explode.”

“You two-”

“Not now Chan,” you cut him off quickly and shook your head. You pointed him toward the door to the stairwell. “Go on, you two go and have your awkward moment.”

I’ll Be Your Man Stray Kids Version

“Why do you only call Minho hyung by his stage name?” Felix asked as he stared hard at you. The two of you were in the practice room together preparing for his solo part of the next kingdom stage. The question had come rather abruptly out of nowhere and to say you were shocked was an understatement.

“What do you mean?” You tried to buy yourself more time to think of a more suitable answer than the real one.

“Well you call I.N Jeongin and Han Jisung but you always refer to Minho hyung as Lee Know.”

“There’s no particular reason,” you lied.

“Alright then, I have another question then, why do you keep your mask on around us?”

“For safety reasons,” you pushed down the urge to adjust your mask.

“You refuse to eat with us, let us take you home after practice, or even go to celebrate with us after we got first place.”

“I’m just here to help you guys with Kingdom Felix, nothing more.” Of course, you wanted to hang out and get to know the guys more but you knew that just you being there was hurtful to Lee Know so you kept your distance.

“Then tell me why Minho hyung always looks at you with a sad expression on his face and why Chan hyung makes sure to keep you two from being alone together?” Felix moved so that he was sitting right in front of you and held your hands. That was when you noticed that your hands had been trembling.

“Felix I-” you were unsure of what you wanted to say to him. You couldn’t tell him everything not when you hadn’t even told Lee Know everything. There just wasn't a lie well thought out enough to answer Felix’s observations. You didn’t even notice you were crying until Felix pulled you into a hug, your tears dampening his dark shirt.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you cry,” Felix said as he patted your back in a soothing rhythm.

“I-”

“You don’t have to tell me anything. I was just frustrated seeing the two of you… you obviously care about each other so much so do you both keep this distance?”

“I have to Felix,” your mind was running at a thousand miles hearing what Felix was saying. Had you been so obvious about how much you cared about Minho? What had Minho been doing that made Felix think he still cared about you? “I hurt him, I hurt him so badly,” was all you could get out, letting some of the truth slip out of you as Felix held you. “I don’t even deserve to be working with you guys at all.”

“That’s not true, we all make mistakes, and we all deserve to be forgiven for our mistakes. That’s what makes us human.” Felix tighten his hug on you as you continued to let your tears out. “I hope one day you two can work out whatever it is that happened.”

Wolf Mayfly

You didn’t need to be at KQ entertainment since everyone had agreed that BB Trippin would be the ones to handle the dance collaboration for Kingdom but still you wanted to be there. You wanted to see how their dance team worked and be there for the boys if any of them needed you. The kids had taken quite a blow going from first to fourth and you just wanted to make sure that they were alright. You were just about to walk into the building when you heard a voice calling your name. You turned around and saw that it was Jae, he had also been in your dance troupe and was dating Saerin before they split up due to each other being too busy.

“Jae Oppa what are you doing here?” You asked as he engulfed you into a hug.

“I’m part of BB Trippin silly,” he said and you remembered hearing something about how he left the old dance troupe soon after you and Saerin did. The two of you walked into the building with him leading you toward a room, his hand around your shoulder. “It’s been so long since I last saw you, I almost couldn’t believe that you were the one working with Stray Kids.” The two of you entered the room that turned out to be a little sitting area equipped with a couch and a little kitchenette. “You sit and let me get you a coffee,” he pointed you toward the sofa and you sat down.

“Thanks Oppa,” you said softly as you thought of the last time you saw him. He had been with Saerin when she found you passed out and they were the ones that took you to the hospital. You never told him what exactly happened and you still felt a certain level of guilt about that. But being here with him as he made you coffee made you miss the days when all of you were in the same troupe. A past you could never return to.

“What’s it like working with Minho again? Is he still as stubborn?” Jae asked as he handed you an iced coffee and sat down next to you.

“I don’t think that part of him will ever change,” you replied feeling your throat tighten a little bit.

“Did you guys ever reconcile after your fight?”

“What fight?” You asked clearly very confused. As far as you remembered there was no memorable fight between the two of you. Arguments for sure but nothing that should have been serious enough for Jae to remember.

“Whatever fight that led to you and Saerin telling me to not tell him anything about your whereabouts.”

“Ah,” it made sense that he thought that there was a fight then. Neither you nor Saerin had explained much of why you had to disappear so of course people thought of their own conclusions.

“I really hope that you two could make up, you were super cute together.”

“We were never together Oppa.”

“Maybe not officially but everyone knew what was going on between the two of you,” Jae said as he gave you a little nudge with his elbow. You felt your face heat up slightly as you remembered all the good memories.

“We didn’t fight, I just…couldn’t face him,” you told Jae the closest thing to the truth because you knew that you couldn’t lie to him.

“Did it have something to do with you collapsing?” Jae asked and as soon as he finished his sentence the door slammed open. The two of you jumped in your seats as you both looked over and saw Minho standing there with an unreadable expression on his face.

“You collapsed?” He asked as he walked toward you. You looked away not at all expecting to have him catch you like this. “Answer me,” he wasn’t shouting but his voice was trembling.

“Minho-” Jae tried to say as he looked between the two of you.

“Hyung please leave, I need to talk to her,” Minho said but it was clear from the tone of his voice that it was more of an order. He was staring right at you but you refused to look up from the floor.

“I don’t know if-” Jae tried to speak again but was harshly cut off by Minho.

“Hyung please!”

You felt Jae grab your hand and you looked over at him, he gave you a look to ask if you would be okay and you could only nod. At this point it almost seemed pointless to try and run from the situation anymore. He had heard too much and there was only so much you could lie about. Jae silently let go of your hand and left the room closing the door behind him with a soft click.

“When did you collapse?” Minho asked, his voice as harsh as the first day you two saw each other again.

“The day I sent the last message to you,” you answered still unable to look up at him.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I…I was trying to process everything,” you told him the whole truth without revealing your exact reason. You mind was wondering at a million miles a minute as you wondered how far you explain yourself. Almost unconsciously your hand clutched your stomach.

“And then I never heard anything from you ever again.” Minho collapsed next to you on the couch. The two of you sitting close enough for your shoulders to be touching. “So you disappeared from my life after collapsing.”

You could only nod at his statement not trusting yourself to speak without sobbing.

“And you felt like you couldn’t tell me anything? Or maybe you just felt like I wasn’t important enough to say anything to?”

“Thats not it,” you said quietly still trying to keep your emotions under wraps.

“Was it because I became an idol?” This time Minho was the one that was talking quietly, voice barely above a whisper. “If you had said anything at all I would have told them no. I would have stayed with you.”

“That’s not it,” you cut him off before he could continue to think that he had somehow been in the wrong.

“Then why? Why did you suddenly just decide to leave my life like you never existed?”

“I had a miscarriage,” you got the words out as quickly as you could before you had a chance to regret everything. There was a few minutes of silence as Minho processed what you said.

“What?” He turned toward you and grabbed your shoulders to try and get you to look at him. “What did you say?”

“I had a miscarriage,” you still could not look at him too scared to see what the expression on his face was.

“You were pregnant?”

“I didn’t know until…we got to the hospital and the baby was already gone.” You couldnt see anything over the tears but you felt Minho tighten his grip on you.

“It was mine.”

“The timing, the last night we slept together.” You had calculated everything when the doctor had informed you how long you had been along. You felt Minho loosen his grip on your shoulders and you could feel yourself begin to deflate before being harshly pulled into a hug.

“I’m sorry, that night I was so full of emotion that protection completely slipped my mind,” he said as he held you closely to his chest, close enough for you to hear the frantic beating of his heart.

“I didn’t remember either,” you told him, too guilty to let him take any of the blame. The two of you had been young and dumb except you were dumber. You were the reason that the child didn’t have a chance to be born you knew that Minho deserved to finally know the whole truth. “It was my fault,” you got out in between sobs.

“What?” Minho pulled the two of you apart keeping you just far enough apart to see your face. You looked up and saw the tears in his eyes through your own tears.

“I was dancing too hard, not eating enough not taking care of myself and the child, it paid the price.” You clutched your stomach hard enough to feel pain.

“What are you talking about?” You saw the anger on Minho’s face and heard it in his voice. You the urge to run rose up faster then you could have processed it. You tried to get up from the couch eyes darting toward the door but Minho’s grip on you was too solid.

“I’m so sorry please let me go,” you begged as you tried to push his arms away but he once again pulled you into a hug this and you gripped onto his shirt in confusion.

“How could you think to blame yourself when you didn’t know?” He put one of his hands on the back of your head and pushed you further into him.

“But still if I-”

“There are no ifs, what happened has happened, why think about things you have no control over?”

“Why don’t you hate me?”

“Why would you think I would hate at you?”

“Because I killed our child,” you screamed into his chest, your hands trying hard to push yourself away from him.

“I’m only mad at myself.”

“Why?” It made no sense to you for there to be any reason for Minho to be mad at himself. This whole time you had never assigned any blame for anything except toward yourself.

“Because I couldn’t be there for you as you were going through this, because there was anything that I did that led you to think that I could ever hate. I’m mad at myself for not trying harder to find you because I can’t imagine what you must have been going through.” You felt his lips on the top of your head. “You big dummy I could never ever ever hate you.”

Your hands dropped their grip on his shirt as you felt all the strength leave your body. You really wanted to believe him but a part of you still felt that this was too good to be true. “Don’t you hate me for disapearing?”

“No, at the start I was desperately worried thinking that something happened to you. When I saw you again I was mad for sure because you looked fine and you refused to tell me anything. As I calmed down over time I realized that you must have had your reasons, I wasn’t going to force anything out of you but when I heard you collapsed. I just lost sight of reason. But never through any of this, even now do I hate you.”

“But you deserve to hate me, I should have said something, you had a right to know but instead I just ran away.” You were finally letting out the words you had buried deep in your heart. Minho’s hands moved to hold your face and once again you were looking into his eyes. In his eyes you didn’t see anger or hate but something much more tender. He used his thumb to brush a few tears away from your eyes.

“No part of you deserves to be hated. Yes I wish you went about this a different way but I will never know what you had to go through. More than anything I wished you just told me so that I could have been there for you.”

“I was scared.”

“Of me?”

“Of you hating me, telling me that you never wanted to see me again so I chose to leave instead. I thought… maybe you would just forget me.” Once you started spilling the truth you couldn’t stop.

“Oh baby,” Minho pulled you close into a kiss and your lips melded naturally with his. His lips were soft, gentle and familiar. You tasted the saltiness of both your tears but if someone asked you to describe the taste of that moment you would have answered ‘sweet. Minho and you softly separated before he leaned in to place a kiss on your forehead. “Never could I forget someone like you,” he placed another kiss. “Never could I hate you,” another kiss. “Unless you kidnap my cats then maybe,” he said in too much of a serious tone and the two of you burst into laughter both feeling lighter than ever.

God’s Du Du Du

You were nervous. Of course you would be, it was your first time seeing Minho and the rest of Stray Kids after confessing everything. They had been busy preparing for the Mayfly stage and getting their vocals done for God’s Du Du Du stage. You had been busy thinking of a good choreography and working with the stage department for all the right props and backdrops. You were planning something pretty explosive but at that moment while you stood outside the dance practice room you felt like you were going to explode. With a deep breathe in you pushed open the dance room door. The eight of them turned to wave and greet you and Minho jumped up to walk over to you. Before you could really react he grabbed your hand and led you to the other kids all of them with various confused expressions besides Chan who smiled a fatherly smile. Just as you were going to ask Minho what he was doing, he gently took off your mask and stunned you into silence. There were a couple of gasps from the other members while you just looked at Minho like he was crazy. He shrugged at you and turned toward the kids while gesturing at you.

“I’m sure some of you recognize her from when I introduced her right after we debuted. We had a stupid fight and now its over so its pointless hiding who she is. Besides dancing while wearing a mask is stupid and now she can eat with us.” Minho sat back down nonchalantly as if he didn’t just make a giant revelation. He looked up at you with the cockiest of smiles and asked “so you figured out the dance yet?”

Wolfgang

“You’re good for him you know?” Chan said as he plopped down beside you. You were sitting just a few meters away from where the main chaos was happening. Over the last week you had grown much closer to everyone else in the group and they had invited you to join them in their barbeque party before their final Kingdom performance. The excitement for finally finishing (and maybe winning first) was getting to the kids and they had gone a little wild. Half the kids were in a drinking (coca-cola and sprite) competition with their managers while the other half were making food with Minho and Chan supervising to make sure that they weren’t burning the place down. Well Chan had been supervising them until he saw you sitting by the side.

“Aren’t you supposed to make sure that Minho doesn’t get angry and cook the kids?” You asked as you heard a yell come from where the cooking was being done.

“I’m sure they’ll survive for a little bit,” Chan replied with a shrug. “Besides he’s mellowed out quite a bit since you’ve been around. You’re really good for him, I haven’t seen him so relaxed in a long time.”

“Aren’t you supposed to scold me and tell me to not cause any scandals with your groupmates?” Chan let out a loud laugh that he tried to disguise as a cough.

“Has anyone ever told you that you tend to overthink things too much?”

“Shut up,” you said close enough with Chan to punch him softly in the arm. Chan clutched onto his arm in mock agony as if you could cause his solid mass of muscle any pain.

“I’m serious though, he’ll never admit it but for the first time he came to me for advice, I’m sure you know how rare that is.”

You nodded but didn’t know what to say to Chan. Minho and you had a discussion where you had decided that only Chan needed to know the more specific details of everything and he still didn’t need to know absolutely everything. Since that discussion you and Minho’s relationship had seemed to almost revert back to exactly how it had been in the past. In fact Minho seemed even more close and clingy with you than he had been in the past. He always made sure to sit or stand next to you. He grabbed your favorite foods from the JYP cafeteria when you didn’t have time to go yourself. You found yourself watching him more and more and freely touching him to correct his moves. You often had to remind yourself that you weren’t around the members of your former dance troupe and instead around his members. You tried to be more professional and started to keep a more respectable distance after you caught the other members whispering about your relationship. That might have worked, if Minho hadn’t gotten annoyed and plopped you directly into his lap. His nonchanlance only made your embarrassment worst but you decided that maybe it was okay to just enjoy being near each other to make up for the lost time.

“Felix is waiting for you guys to finally tell us you’re dating so he can bake you two a big batch of brownies to celebrate.”

“We aren’t dating,” you told Chan honestly. While you two were enjoying each other’s company you weren’t officially dating. You honestly didn’t mind it as your relationship dynamic was one that the two of you were quite familiar with, but with the way Chan was looking at you like a kicked puppy you wondered if maybe you and Minho needed to have a talk about it soon.

“You aren’t?”

“No.”

“Why the hell not?” Chan yelled loud enough to attract the attention of everyone else.

“YAH Bang Chan-ssi why are you screaming at her,” Minho yelled as he walked over holding a spatula very much looking like a disgruntled mother.

“You two-” Chan cut himself off when he noticed all the other kids and the mangers watching him, “need to talk, go take a walk around the river I’ll watch the cooks.” Chan took the spatula and pushed Minho toward you as he pointed toward the general direction of the river. Minho looked at you with a raised eyebrow and you could only smile at him. He reached his hand out to you and you took it to stand up. The two of you walked in the direction that Chan had pointed neither of you speaking until you could no longer hear the chatter of the kids.

“What do we need to talk about?” Minho asked as he squeezed the hand that he was still holding.

“It’s nothing really, just Chan being silly,” you replied not looking at Minho. He stopped walking and tugged you back until you were facing him.

“Just tell me…” Minho whined as he swung your hand back and forth.

“I just told him that we weren’t dating.”

“Ah,” Minho’s reply spiked your anxiety and you wondered if maybe you shouldn’t have said anything. You turned to try and keep walking when Minho tugged your arm and pulled you into his chest. “Should we date then?” He asked.

“Geeze Minho you have to stop suddenly hugging me like this!” You used the hand that he wasn’t holding to try and push at him to no avail.

“It’s not my fault that your first reaction is always to run away.” His tone was light but you stiffened at his words. “Hey hey I didn’t mean it like that, stop looking like the world is going to end,” he gently poked your nose and you relaxed slightly.

“I mean you’re not wrong.”

“Why don’t you just answer my question~ should we date?” His voice was whiny but the look in his eyes was quite serious.

“I honestly don’t know. It would be a lie to say that I don’t want to but I’m quite terrifed,” you promised yourself that you would no longer lie to Minho and that meant telling him exactly what you thought.

“It’s true, we never dated before have we?” Minho ran his hand through your hair as he smiled softly at you.

“Yeah, I’m not sure… what us dating would even mean.”

“It would mean that I get to call you girlfriend and you get to call me boyfriend. It would mean that the kids would stop trying to not so subtly ask me what our relationship is. I’m still going to hug you when I want, feed you when I want, hold your hand when I want, kiss you when I want and I expect you to do the same. Then when we’re ready I’m going to propose so that we can get married, adopt more cats so that Soonie, Dori and Doongie can have more sibling and spend the rest of our days dancing together until we get too old and our bones crack.”

You wanted to laugh, you wanted to laugh and you wanted to kiss him so you closed the distance and attached your lips to his. The kiss still tasting absolutely sweet. When you pulled apart again you saw Minho’s smile as he reached to wipe the tears away from your eyes.

“So is that a yes?”

#minho #lee know #lee know angst #lee know fanfic #stray kids #stray kids imagine #stray kids fanfic #skz fanfic #skz imagine #zemblanity #zemblanity part 2 #moonflower writings

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gloriafc · 3 years

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Fire brings death

Station 19 x criminal minds crossover

You're the oldest daughter to Pruitt Herrera. You were once a firefighter, going to school as you worked. You graduated just as you became a lieutenant. After a few more years you joined the BAU.

The team became your family, just like the fire station once was, still is. Derek became your brother figure. He knew Spencer had a crush on you and continuously pushed him to ask you out.

Eventually Spencer did. It started off as grabbing coffee before work, then grabbing dinner after work. The dates became you both spending time together on your days off, even Hotch was betting on when you'd get together. Rossi won the bet.

Eventually you and Spencer did get together. Your father was happy you found someone. He liked Spencer, the random facts kept him on his toes. After a few years you moved in together. You were happy, extremely happy. The two of you got married, and your dad walked you down the aisle. Your sister managed to hold her happy tears in but your dad was a sobbing mess.

You knew about your father's cancer, he called you personally, you kept pushing him to tell Andy about it, to tell her about how much time he had left.

When Andy gets married you head to Seattle to be there for her, and to convince your dad to go. You stay for a week to spend time with your dad, sister, and your new brother-in-law. The day before you leave Hotch calls you and tells you theres a case that's taking them to Seattle.

You're talking to an officer when your team arrives. "Ryan would've loved working alongside you Herrera." You can just smile not yet seeing your team, and honestly Spencer is kind of jealous, "Its kind of weird to be here without Ryan making some smart ass comment."

When everyone gets a break you take Spencer to one of your favorite coffee shops for lunch. As you're waiting Spencer asks, "Who's Ryan?" "What?" "When we got to the station you and the officer were talking about a Ryan." You look at his face before understanding what's happening. You start chuckling, "Spence are you jealous?" He starts stuttering and you explain, "Ryan was a family friend. We were neighbors our whole lives basically. He had a giant crush on my sister." Spencer looks down slightly embarrassed and you softly grab his face, "He died not too long ago. He always made smart remarks about me being a firefighter turned fed." When he stays quiet you give him a quick kiss before grabbing your order and teasing him, "Jealousy is kind of cute on you Mr Reid." He mumbles making you laugh harder, "I'll show you adorable Mrs Reid."

When the case was finished your dad invited everyone to a dinner, happy to have both of his daughters free, even if it was for the night. Your dad had to personally go to your hotel to invite your team. The evening was filled with laughter as your team and the fire station have a wonderful evening filled with laughter.

The next day you and your team are at the police station to finish off some left over paperwork when you get a call. You're happy to hear one of your dads friends voice but quickly grow confused when he tells you to grab a radio and what station to turn it to. Keeping the phone on your ear you look for a police radio and change the station hearing the chatter from, doctors, police and firefighters. You hang up when you hear Mayas voice. "What's going on?" You can only shake your head at Hotchs question as your eyes stay focused on the radio, "I dont. I dont know." You're running for the door when you hear the words leave Mayas mouth, "Captain Herrera is on the roof."

Morgan is faster than you and grabs the keys out of your hand. When you get to the scene you can see your dad hacking away at the roof. You immediately push through everyone to get to Maya. "Maya!" She can only look at you and shake her head, silently telling you she tried. With a quick second Morgan and Spencer are pulling you off of the side of the truck, "Y/N no!" "Someone has to get him down! He won't listen to anyone else." No one says anything when your voice cracks, everyone understanding what's about to happen.

Spencer traps you in his arms. The only thing anyone can do is watch. When the roof caves in, the only thing you can do is put your face into your husband's neck and grip his sweater as tears pour down your face. Spencer looks at the team to see them staring at the two of you with sadness for you on their faces. This being one of the few times anyone's seen you unhappy.

You mumble into Spencer's chest, but he can hear you clearly, "I never got to tell him." He can only rub your back in comfort. When the firefighters come out Andy stops seeing you and is about to ask what you're doing there but stops, staring at something behind you. You look and see your dads hat sitting on the truck, you look at her and only nod. A second goes by before shes running out of Sullivan's arms and into yours.

Everything stays quiet, as a sign of respect for your father. When your father's body is brought out on a gurney, your sisters still in your arms, your husbands behind you, and everyone including your team surrounding the gurney at a respectful distance. Mayas the only one who can bring herself to say something. "We should. We should say some words... Out of respect." It stays quiet until Sullivan speaks up, "He was a respected man. An amazing captain, an amazing man. He sacrificed his life so we could live, so we could continue sacrificing ours to save lives. He was a legacy, that we can only live up to." You can feel eyes on you and your sister as it gets quiet. You speak up as your head rests on top of Andy's, "He was stubborn. I can hear him now saying he was going to die anyways. He did something not many people would've. He wasn't just our dad, he was everyone's, if someone got in trouble we all did. That's who he was. He was never going to let cancer take him out. He went out on his own terms, doing something he loved. And I'm sure he appreciated the time he spent with everyone here even if most of it was him yelling at us."

That night Spencer watches as you sit on one of the chairs in your hotel room, the rest of your team had to go back home but you and Spencer were given the clear to stay for a couple days. Spencer's on the phone with Penelope, "How's she doing?" "Shes. Uh. She. She misses her dad." "Give her our love and support, we'll see you guys when you get back."

Spencer makes his way to you crouching in front of you and taking your hands in his, "You should get some sleep." You can only look at him with tears in your eyes, you look exactly like your dads favorite picture of you. A picture Spencer memorized the first time he saw it. A baggy hoodie and some leggings, and your wavy hair brushed but in a mess. "I never got to tell him." Spencer can only sigh and run his thumb along your cheek as the tears start falling again, "There was three things he wanted out of life. To be a firefighter, and he was an amazing one. He wanted to walk his daughters down the aisle and he did. But he never got to have grandchildren. And now. He's gonna miss it. I never even got the chance to tell him." "He'll be there in spirit. In stories. In your memories. He'll always be there." Your crying gets harder and you have to talk in between breaths, "I know we have friends. But who am I going to call. When the baby wont go to sleep in the middle of the night. Or when it wont eat. Hes not going to be there when I'm in labor and scared out of my mind. He wont be able to buy. One of those grandpa favorites onesies or spoil it rotten. Theres so many things that's not gonna happen. And now. Now it just feels like I can't breathe. And I don't know what to do."

Spencer stands up and pulls you with him, pulling you into his chest. He rubs your back as he speaks into your hair, "Just breathe baby. It's hard right now. I know. But with time everything will be fine. You'll learn to live with just his memory, and you'll tell this baby memories as you show them pictures as they grow up. Your father won't be forgotten."

In the morning Sullivan calls you, telling you your sister wont sleep. That's shes just staring at the wall. Spencer takes you over, the two men sitting in the kitchen drinking tea as you head up to the room. Andy looks at you for a second before her eyes are back on the wall, you sigh and say, "Its really weird that I'm about to climb into the bed you do the deed in." When she cracks a small smile you climb in next to her, a pillow separating the two of you. It takes a second, but she rolls over to face you. "It doesn't feel real." "I know. The only way I can think about it is that he went out on his own terms and not because of the cancer in his balls." She let's out a small laugh, "Did you have to say it like that?" "It got a laugh out of you didnt it?" When she stays quiet you sigh and push the hair out of her face, "Its gonna be weird for a while." "How long?" "Everyone heals different. We might be okay tomorrow. Or it could take us years."

You spend a couple minutes chuckling about small random things your dad did, things he did while you two were growing up. Then the conversation shifts to things you'll miss, things hes going to miss. "I always thought he'd live to see grandchildren." You grab her hand, "How do you think he would've reacted once he found out he'd only have to wait like six more months, if he had the chance?" Andy stops and looks at you, "Are you and Spencer?" You nod with a tearful smile. "I was going to tell him the night of the dinner, but everyone was a little too drunk. I should've. But I didn't want to have to retell him in the morning." Before you know it your sisters arms are wrapped around your neck in a hug.

An hour goes by and your husbands decide to check on the two of you. You're both fast asleep wrapped in each others arms, like you used to do as kids when Andy had a bad dream and didn't want to wake up your dad. "They'll be okay. They have each other." "They have a whole village behind them. They'll still hurt, but they have the support they need to move on and heal."

#crossover #station 19 imagine #station 19 #criminal minds #criminal minds imagine #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid #spencer x reader #andy herrera #imagine

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tsunflowers · 2 years

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finished this book called the sentient by nadia afifi that i enjoyed. it didn't totally come together for me, like for example everyone uses these scifi contact lenses that let you access the internet but on page 250 it's like "btw they're solar-powered so we can't use them on this night heist we're planning." I feel like that one could have come up earlier. maybe it did and I'm the one who wasn't paying attention. but I liked that the book effortlessly cleared several low bars such as "women having solidarity with each other" and "the main female character has a rocky start to her relationship with this man but after going on a crazy adventure together they still don't fall in love"

it's set in a future where the united states broke apart after the vaguely described "drought wars" and now different sections have their own governing bodies. one of those is in the former utah (?) and is run by three cults that don't agree with each other but agree with everyone else less. that's "the compound." the main character amira escaped from the compound as a teen and came to westport, formerly seattle (?) to study at the super fancy college there, which is a government unto itself. her dream is to work on one of the laboratory space stations owned by the college bc when she was a kid looking up at the stars seeing the satellites and space stations pass overhead was what reminded her there was a better world beyond the compound. imagine her shock and disappointment when a botched placement test leads her to the pandora project, an attempt to grow the first ever human clone...

amira's specialty is using a scifi machine to jump into people's thoughts and dreams to help them work through their shit and recover memories they thought they had lost. obviously she wants to use this skill to help other compound escapees like herself and it happens that the woman carrying the first ever human clone is a fellow former compound girl. so they have to work through a lot together bc the woman with the clone baby sees amira as a shithead scientist who doesn't care about her and amiras like no I do care! and she ends up making her some friend cactus like they always used to eat in the compounds. it's very sweet. but the project heads are a divorced couple, someone's tampering with clone woman's head using experimental drugs, and the guys from the compound are trying to break in and kill clone woman before she can have her ungodly monster baby

theres a lot going on. I didn't even get to the guy the main character doesn't fall in love with but he's there. he's like space fbi but he runs an off the grid home for former compound kids. I pictured him as ignis from trigger I don't know why

sometimes you just wanna read some scifi that doesn't blow your mind but knows how to be normal about women

#my book review corner

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larryssunflower · 4 years

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The Non-Royal Romance, season two, part one

last part of season 1 teaser trailer masterlist

(really bad) summary: TRR AU where MC (Alana Rhys) is the now queen of Cordonia, and Liam was part of the suitors in line to marry her. Drake Walker is Alana’s personal bodyguard, and as the season goes on, their feelings for each other only get stronger. After an assassination attempt during the coronation ball, Alana’s mother announces without her consent that she will marry Liam, to both Drake and Alana’s dismay. This season is dedicated to Alana’s and Liams engagement tour, and what will happen as it goes on

pairing: Drake Walker x MC x Liam (kinda)

tagging- @ravenpuff02 @simplyaiden-blog @msjr0119 @butindeed @mfackenthal @axwalker @choices-lurker @american-duchess @drakelover78 @monosodiumglutamateme @crookedslimecreatorpasta @mrsdrakewalkerblog @traeumerinwitzhelden @gardeningourmet @speedyoperarascalparty @agent-zephyrkah @liam-rhys-x-mc-x-constantine @snyggflicka @texaskitten30 @annekebbphotography @irishwhiskys-blog @nomadics-stuff @catlady0911 @twinkle-320 @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @drakewalker04 @bigmemesplz @jovialyouthmusic @sleepwalkingelite @pintobomb @moneyfordiamonds @mskaneko @lauzales @princessleac1 @kingliam2019

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*six months after the coronation ball*

These past few months have been difficult, I’m not going to lie. I’ve spent the majority of my time living in the Beaumont manor, recovering my shoulder and having well deserved space from my mother. Luckily the interactions I have had with Liam have been brief, I can’t bring myself to act like I’m in love with him because he thinks I actually chose him and I don’t have the balls to tell him he wasn’t my choice. No one knows that it was my mother’s decision and I’m in love with my former bodyguard. The perfect Queen huh?

I haven’t seen Drake since the incident. It was so perfect for that short span of time where he loved me back and we were finally together. But that changed... thanks to my mother. My memory is still hazy due to the pain medication and all I remember is the incident on tv, falling asleep at one point with Drake by my side, and waking up and he was gone. My mom said he just up and left.

I don’t blame him if I’m being honest. Who would want to be with this train wreck? I sigh, running my hands through my dirty hair. I know it’s pathetic, but I haven’t really been taking care of myself recently. I started getting night terrors, every time I’m in that ballroom, my friends and family being slaughtered around me, time and time again and I can’t do anything to help them. Maxwell always wakes me up with a hug, holding me as I sob in his arms.

We still haven’t found who orchestrated the assassination attempt. It’s not easy when your country is relatively peaceful with very few enemies.

I trace my fingers over my scar on my shoulder. My doctor said it could take up to a year to function normally again. Thank god it’s not fatal, but the psychological toll hasn’t been easy. I can’t help this horrible feeling of guilt every time I think about the ball. They were there to kill me, and harmed my friends to get there. Who knows what else they will do to get to me or my friends the second time?

I let out a breath shakily, looking out the window. Theres no point thinking like that. That’s all I have been doing, stressing over things I can’t control.

All I know is that the engagement tour is starting tonight, and I have to speak to people again. I have to spend time with Liam, try to pretend to be in love, try to pretend that I’m not falling apart. I have to do this without Drake by my side. A horrible feeling pangs in my stomach anytime I think about him. I lost the one person I have ever felt this way about and maybe its a good thing. It wasn’t fair to him, our whole relationship- if you could call it that.

I eventually drag myself into a well-needed shower, letting the hot water melt away the tension in my back. I don’t have a choice anymore, all I can do is try to do my best tonight. That’s all I can do.

—-

I wake up, and immediately look to my left. Drake isn’t there. I frown, sitting up in my uncomfortable hospital bed, ignoring the pain in my shoulder and looking around. “Drake?” I ask, hoping he’s just in the other room. The door opens and my mom walks in, looking somber. A wave of anger flows over my body as I remember what she did. “Where is he.” I demand, my chest tight. She looks at me for a moment, not saying anything. “Where. is. he.” I demand harshly, making her sigh as I stare at her, my heart pounding.

“I didn’t want to tell you this way, but he’s gone.” My mother says much too simply, her everlasting sense of disapproval emulating from her gaze. Tears spring to my eyes as I digest what she said. “G-Gone?” I ask, swallowing thickly. My mother nods, walking over and sitting delicately on my bed. “Once you had fallen asleep, He left the room. I tried to ask him where he was going but he just said ‘I can’t do it anymore’ and walked away without a second glance.” She explains, making my heart break. Tears pool and spill onto my cheeks. I look down at my blurry hands which have began shaking.

“I’m so sorry honey,” My mother says, trying to hold my hand. I yank it away from her, fuming. “Don’t touch me.” I grit through my teeth, my conflicting feelings of anger, abandonment, loss, and love waging a war inside of me. “I can’t believe you! how could you do this to my life? Leave! please,” I beg, my voice shaking embarrassingly. My mother closes her mouth, pressing her lips together. “So be it.” She says, monotone. She gets up, and walks out the door.

I fall back against my pillow, tears pouring out of my eyes.

He’s gone.

—-

I brush my now soft, clean hair, and watch as it falls gently on my shoulders. My baby pink dress is form fitting, the straps thick enough to hide the scar on my shoulder. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Not sure if that’s really true, because I haven’t seen Drake in six months but... he is not out of my mind. It hurts more knowing that he probably doesn’t even care about me, especially since he walked out when it got rough and has probably moved on when all i do is think about him.

I watch my door open in the reflection of my mirror, my mother walking in. “You clean up well hon,” My mother says, her hopeful smile on that face. She has been trying really hard to make it up to me. “Thanks,” I say quietly, looking down at my clasped hands, my heavy, expensive ring on my left hand. The ornate gold ring pairs with a large crystal clear diamond, surrounded by smaller diamonds in a teardrop shape. Its beautiful, but feels foreign. Liam brought it to me in the hospital a couple weeks after Drake left. My mother was watching carefully as I smiled and accepted the ring, giving Liam a kiss in thanks. The next day, a picture of me in my hospital bed and Liam presenting his ring to me was all over the gossip news and magazines. My mother pretended to be outraged but I knew she set it up. She’s a smart diplomat, I’ll give her that. She always knows what she’s doing.

“Tonight’s the big night! Your first event as Queen!” My mother says enthusiastically, and I nod absentmindedly, fiddling with the ring. I haven’t worn it since the day in the hospital, and it’s just been sitting on my bedside table, collecting dust and eating away at my stomach. My mother sighs. “Why can’t you be happy? Will you ever forgive me?” She asks, and I look up at her in the mirror, my expression unchanged. “I’ve told you many times how you could earn my forgiveness and respect back.” I say, referencing a past conversation we had, keeping my voice flat and even. My mother purses her lips. “Well then. I’ll see you tonight at the party. Stay presentable,” My mother orders, before swiftly turning away, stalking out the door. I scoff, shaking my head.

—-

(Drake’s p.o.v)

I clench my jaw, punching the bag in front of me repeatedly. All my anger, regret, and frustration pouring out as I beat the punching bag, making it shake violently back and forth, it’s chain groaning.

I eventually stop, breathing heavily. I sigh, wiping the sheen of sweat off my forehead. All I can think about is her. As pathetic as that is. “You okay man?” the gym manager, Greg, asks. I nod, without looking up. “Yeah thanks, I’m fine,” I breathe, sitting down on the bench behind me, looking down as I unwrap my knuckles.

For a brief moment I’m back in that room, watching as she treats my fresh wounds, the light from the windows softly framing her beautiful face, whiskey flowing through my veins because that was the only way I could attempt to calm my nerves, being so close to her. I sigh, trying to push her from my mind.

She doesn’t want you anymore.

“Hey uh, someone’s here to see you,” Greg says, his tone shifted. I look up in confusion and see Alana’s mother standing behind him, clearly uncomfortable in the dingy gym. I stand up quickly, suddenly feeing self conscious about my sweaty gym clothes.

Greg senses the tension and tentatively walks away, giving us a strange look. I guess it’s not every day that one of his patrons is visited by the recently former Queen. I look back at Regina, anger building back up within me. “How can I help you, Your Majesty?” I ask turning my head to the side, my nose flaring angrily. She blinks. “I deserve that,” she admits, looking down at the dingy floor. “I came here with a proposition for you,” She says, looking back up at me, making me furrow my brow in confusion.

—-

(Alana’s p.o.v)

“You got this Al, I know you do.” Maxwell reassures me, his eyes kind. I smile, “Thanks Max,” I say, taking a deep breath. “I know you’ve had a tough couple months, but you may as well try to have a good time tonight,” Maxwell says, and I nod. We start to walk out of my room and down the hall, Maxwell’s arm slung around my shoulders. “We can get drunk just like old times,” Maxwell laughs in my ear, making me laugh. “Oh those were the days,” I sigh contently, my good friend making me smile.

We laugh as we make our way to the main entryway, separating as we walk down the stairs. I look up at the sound of the front doors opening and stop in my tracks. In walks in my mother and...Drake?

A wall of emotion hits me so hard, I feel as though I could fall over. The man I love, the man I swear to at night, the man who broke my heart, standing just a few feet away from me, in a frustratingly handsome navy suit, avoiding my eye contact.

“I got your bodyguard back, now, let’s leave before we are late to your engagement party,” My mother says, a satisfied smile on her face. I snap back to reality, nodding wordlessly. I walk down the stairs, not being able to look Drake in the eyes. As I pass him through the doorway, I feel his hand on my lower back, guiding me through. Chills spread over my arms and I keep walking, my face burning in embarrassment. I feel like a spoiled child whose parent forced some child to be my friend. I can’t believe she remembered.

Five months ago my mother asked how she could earn my forgiveness, and I simply said ‘bring him back’.

I step into the back of our black SUV, Maxwell following behind me. My mother gets into her own car with her bodyguard, and Drake sits up front with the driver. I can feel Max’s gaze on mine, but I don’t look at him, my stomach fluttering unpleasantly. I’m not eager to see the expression of my good friend’s face. I’m torn between being overjoyed that the man I love is so close to me again, and angry because that same man broke my heart six months ago. How can he just sit there, no emotion, after what he did? How much is my mother paying him? I cringe, looking out the window, waiting until we arrive.

—-

Our cars pull up onto the gravel drive, the Amaranth Manor glittering in the warm night. Home to one of the Cordonia most notable noble family, their daughter being Madeline. I only met on her on a couple of occasions- she’s... not my taste.

The cars roll to a stop just in front of the large doors, my nerves fluttering. I haven’t been in public like this in so long. My car door opens, and for the fist time in six months, I make direct eye contact with Drake. Just like that, all my reservations and cautiousness is out the window, replaced with the familiar feeling of overwhelming love and longing for Drake. A feeling I’ve tried to ignore for these past months that I just can’t hold it back anymore.

I get lost in those warm, brown, beautiful eyes, butterflies erupting in my stomach. I force myself to look away, gulping nervously. I take a deep breath, take his hand, and step down off the SUV. The manor is lit up with warm lights, music playing loudly through the french doors which are open wide for the warm summer air. I look over and see two men waiting for me one of whom is Liam, the other, I don’t recognize. Liam grins, walking over and enveloping me in an embrace. I smile, hugging him back. He kisses my cheek as he pulls away, his eyes twinkling in the moonlight. “So nice to see you again babe,” He says, and I grin. “Yes it is,” I smile. Liam turns, gesturing for the other man to walk over.

“This is my brother, Leo. He’s joining us on our tour,” Liam explains. “Ah, so nice to meet you!” I exclaim, holding out my hand. Leo takes it, placing a kiss on my knuckles. “It’s my pleasure Your Majesty,” Leo says in a smooth voice. I smile politely, and we head over to the entrance. I glance over my shoulder, spotting Maxwell throwing his arm over Liam, talking pleasantly with his friend, and Drake, following behind.

We enter the main ballroom, where many of the suitors form last season are, now with women of nobility. I feel slightly intimidated as we walk in, and they go nearly quiet. We are announced and the voices start up again, louder this time. Liam and I start getting bombarded by nobles, ready to congratulate us on our engagement. We maneuver through the party, my jeweled hand resting on Liam’s arm, in clear view. Drake trails behind us, but I try not to think or look at him, not sure how I will react. I get many compliments on my ring from noble women, many of whom will be my bridesmaids, even though I barely know any of them.

Hours into the party and a couple noble women stand out, like the extremely nice woman Hana Lee, the bubbly Penelope Ebrim, the cultured french woman Kiara Theron, and of course, Madeline. “Step-Cousin! So nice to see you,” Madeline says in a hard-to-tell but definitely fake smile. “Lovely to see you as well! Thank you for hosting,” I smile back. She studies me for a moment, before turning to Liam. “Liam. It’s been a while, you look well,” Madeline says, a slight blush forming on her cheeks. “You too Madeline,” Liam grins. She looks at him for a moment, before turning to me.

“Looking forward to the wedding? I bet it will be just lovely,” Madeline says, an edge to her voice. What is her problem? “Yeah definitely! Um- would you two excuse me for a moment? I think I just need some fresh air,” I say, and they both nod. “Are you okay?” Liam asks quietly, his hand on my forearm. I nod with a smile, gently releasing myself from his grip. “Yes! I’ll be right back,” I say cheerfully, kissing his cheek quickly, before turning and making my way through the ballroom and out one of the open doors, into the secluded garden. I walk for a bit in the quiet, until I’m far enough to be out of sight from the party, and sit down on a stone bench outside. I sigh, a feeling of relief washing over me, happy to finally be alone again.

I honestly forgot the stress of being a noble - and now I’m Queen. god, what have I gotten myself into?

I suddenly hear a branch break, and whip my head to see Drake, standing just a bit away from me. I sigh. “Why did you follow me?” I ask, feeling an overwhelming sense of exhaustion from the situation. He sighs. “I’m just trying to do my job.” Drake says, shifting uncomfortably. I nod slightly, looking down.

After a moment, Drake talks again, “I don’t know why you wanted me back as your bodyguard, you seemed like you were done with us.” He says quietly. I scoff, standing up indignantly, facing him. “Excuse me? I was the one who was done? Last time I checked, you were the one who walked out,” I say angrily, glad I walked far enough from the crowded party to have privacy.

Drake looks at me, clear confusion in his face. “You didn’t want me with you. Your mother made me leave when- when it happened. After you fell asleep she told me that you were done with us, that you couldn’t take it anymore. You forced me out of your life, I didn’t walk out.” Drake explains, his annoyingly calm voice just making me more confused.

“But my mom told me...” I stop, my heart pounding. I look up at Drake, who is staring back at me, his eyes wide. It starts to click. Why did I just trust what my mom said after what she did? His Adam’s apple bobs up and back down. “You didn’t want me to leave did you?” He asks quietly. I shake my head. “You didn’t give up on me?” I ask, gulping. He nears me. “No. never. You have no idea how much I fought. I was at the hospital every day, trying to find a way to see you, to change your mind. Eventually they threatened me with arrest. The next day, you were moved to another hospital. I kept trying, I didn’t stop, as much as I probably should have. You have no idea how many stupid gossip magazines I bought just to get any information about you, to see if you were okay,” Drake says with a chuckle, making me snort at the picture of Drake buying gossip magazines, my stomach fluttering with happiness. He didn’t give up on us.

We look at each other for a moment, just staring. “I missed you,” I say softly, my voice cracking. Something breaks within Drake and he pulls me towards him, embracing me tightly. I sigh, melting into his familiar arms, clinging onto his shoulders. He buries his face into my neck, making me sigh with content. Something I haven’t felt for months. I curl my fingers in his hair, pulling gently. After a moment, he pulls away from the embrace, his eyes scanning my face.

In a second, our lips are connected. It’s hesitant at first, still unsure, our mutual feelings of hurt still lingering between us. I let out a small moan, the feeling of his lips on mine intoxicating after months of feeling nothing. I clearly did something right, because Drake groans, pulling me closer than imagined, his hands roaming up and down my sides. All these months of to re-living our kisses in the middle of the night could not have prepared me for how I feel in this moment. My heart soaring, my nerves on fire, wanting- no begging- for more contact.

Once my lungs are burning for air, we break apart, breathing heavily. “God, I missed you too,” Drake says, his voice an octave lower than usual, making my heart swoop into my stomach. God, how does he have such an impact on me? Just his deep voice makes me want to jump his bones. I gulp, looking up at him. “What now?” I ask, and he looks down. “Honestly? I’m not sure,” He says quietly.

I bring my hand up, caressing his cheek, making him look up at me. He blinks, looking deeply into my eyes. “All I know is that I can’t lose you again. I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with this engagement situation, but I will never give up on us.” I say with every fiber in my being, hoping he understands my sincerity. He nods, a strange look in his eyes. Before I can question him, my phone goes off. I look down to see a text from Liam, asking me where I am.

I sigh, a feeling of guilt creeping up on me. Just because I don’t want to be with Liam doesn’t mean I want to hurt him. “What is it?” Drake asks, and I sigh. “I have to get back in there, as much as I wish I could stay out here with you,” I say, longing to stay forever with Drake, never having to leave his side again. His face falls slightly, before he smiles. “Hey, at least we figured this out. It was hard thinking that you didn’t want me for six months,” Drake says, making me smile. “Yeah, I’m glad we figured this out,” I say, and He looks at me for a moment, before swooping in, giving me a sweet kiss. I happily kiss back, before we both pull away.

“Time to go back in I guess,” I say, and He nods. We walk through the garden, back into the crowded party, my stomach still fluttering with butterflies after that kiss. Drake stays a good distance behind me, which is probably smart because if I could, I would never stop trying to touch or kiss him, which would be a bit concerning for the nobles, as they are at the engagement party for me and a different man. Leo, Liam’s brother pulls me aside gently. “Oh hi Leo,” I say, and he looks at me for a moment. “Did you enjoy your breath of fresh air?” He asks, making my stomach drop. He didn’t see did he? “Yeah, sometimes parties like this are suffocating and I just need a break,” I say, keeping my voice level.

Leo studies me for a mother moment, a sly smirk creeping onto his face. “hmm, I like you,” He says in a thoughtful way as I smile back, my heart pounding. Did he see me and Drake? “Thank you, I’m glad my future brother in law approves,” I say with a slightly nervous chuckle. I can’t figure Leo out, is he threatening me?

“Hey what’s up babe?” Liam asks, coming over to us, sliding a hand around my waist. I glance over to see Drake staring daggers at Liam’s hand. Funny how things never change. It makes me blush knowing Drake is protective over me. “Oh, nothing, just talking to your lovely brother,” I smile, clearly making Liam happy. “I’m glad! You two are very important to me,” He says, and we start a perfectly pleasant conversation.

The night moves on, we dance for a while, eat some appetizers, drink some champagne and before I know it, the party is over. I say goodbye to Liam, making my way to my assigned room away from him, which may have been orchestrated by my step-cousin, little does she know that’s my ideal scenario. Honestly she can try to steal Liam away, I’m not going to stop her.

Drake and I stop outside my door. “I guess I should try to get some sleep,” I say, and he nods. My tongue darts out to wet my lips nervously. “Do you want to come in?” I ask, my stomach bubbling with nerves. Drake looks down at me, a heat in his eyes. “I really shouldn’t Alana,” He says, and I nod. I bite my lip, thinking about how out-of-hand we could get. Probably not the best idea. “Okay then, goodnight,” I say, giving him a quick hug. He hugs back, kissing my cheek lightly, making my face heat up. He makes me feel like a schoolgirl, blushing over my crush kissing my cheek. So stupid. “Goodnight Your Highness,” he whispers, making me take in a sharp breath. He is really making this hard for me.

He releases me from the hug, leaning back, a satisfied grin on his face. I huff. “G-Goodnight,” I say, turning and going into my room, the stupid blush never leaving my face.

I change out of my dress and into pajamas and flop onto my bed, thinking about earlier. I‘m so frustrated that I actually believed my manipulative mother for so long. I feel like I betrayed him by believing her, but he believed her too I guess. I stare at the pale blue ceiling above me, thinking about the kiss. God, the way he pulled me closer. He has to know what he does to me. It’s honestly unfair at this point.

I naw at my bottom lip, butterflies fluttering inside me. I glance over to the door and see the edge of his shadow outside my door. My heart warms at the thought of being so close to him again. Before long, I drift off to sleep.

—-

I glance around, watching as everyone dances. The warm lights glow pleasantly, the music muffled, but nice. I smile as I see Max and Allie together, laughing. A feeling of warmth radiates through my body. I glance over and see Drake, smiling over at me. A strange feeling of familiarity falls over me slowly. Wait... This is the coronation ball, oh no.Suddenly, the warm lights go out. The ball is dark and suddenly a horrible cold feeling washes over me. I know what’s coming. No! I have to warn them! I try to scream, try to warn everyone to get down, but nothing will come out. I look down and see myself chained to a post, and feel the duck tape on my mouth.

The lights turn on again, and the assassins don’t hesitate opening fire on everyone. I scream as their bodies fall over, fighting with everything in me to be free, to help them. One near me turns, and aims and Drake. “No!” I try to say, nothing coming out. Drake just looks over at me in fear and then the assassin shoots him, making him collapse. I scream, thrashing against the binds, and suddenly, I’m in my room, and Drake is by my side, holding onto my shoulders, clearly concerned. I let out the largest sigh of relief, throwing my arms around him tightly. Tears fall out of my eyes and my shoulders shake as I sob in his arms. He holds me tightly, His body warmth calming me down. He just keeps whispering softly “it’s okay, you’ll be alright,” as I cry.

As soon as I start to calm down, I let go of my death grip on him, leaning back. “Are you alright?” He asks, deeply concerned. I sigh, calming my nerves. “Y-yes, I am now. Sorry since the ball I’ve had these horrible dreams...” I trail off, stopping before I cry again. He reaches out, brushing my hair from my face. “It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize to me, I know nightmares better than anyone,” He says, and I nod, remembering that night when I found him in his bed, screaming in his sleep. “I had no idea you had them now,” He says sadly, looking into my eyes. “Yeah, um- if I’m being honest, I’ve been a hot mess since the ball and then my ‘surprise engagement’,” I say bitterly, fumbling with my hands in my lap.

Drake rests his hand on mine, making me stop, looking up at him. “That makes two of us,” He says gently. My heart breaks thinking about Drake being just as heart-broken as me. “At least we’re in this together, right?” I say, and he nods, a small smile on his face. “Always.”

He stays by my side until I fall asleep.

--------------

-end-

I’m back! I know there’s a lot of crazy thing going on in the world right now which is horrible, but hopefully it will bring change with it! How did you guys like the first part? I love to hear your feedback ;) Thank you all for your support over the years now (crazy!) for this fic! It’s honesty hard for me to read earlier chapters, I feel like I’ve changed so much since the beginning haha. Anyway, I know this wasn’t the best part, but there are so many more exciting things I have planned! Again, thank you all for your support, if it wasn’t for all your kind words I would not have gotten so far! Love you all!

-Ella xx

#tnrr #The Non-Royal Romance #season two #part one #trr #the royal romance #choices #choices fanfiction #choices trr #mc x drake #drake walker #alana rhys #sorry liam #the non royal romance #playchoices fics #choices stories you play

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punkscowardschampions · 3 years

Text

Joe & Ronnie

Joe: [Enough time later that you might think you’ll not hear from him again, realistically like a day or two but given what you did it’d seem like longer/regret and dip ‘cos ya should but we know that ain’t it]

Joe: you spent Charlie’s modelling money yet

Ronnie: long gone baby like you

Ronnie: if you were after a cut shouldve taken it sooner

Joe: nah, it’s yours

Joe: his but sounds like he enjoyed himself, by her account

Joe: no need to ask what you spent it on

Ronnie: but you wanna hear my account yeah

Ronnie: thats what this is

Joe: do you think that’s what this is

Ronnie: youre not taking up space in my head mckenna

Joe: and not in your diary, as you pointed out up top

Joe: busy busy yeah

Ronnie: i werent asked to audition to be a doss student cunt 💔

Ronnie: & the one he brought back didnt fancy me enough to ask me to join in either

Ronnie: busy getting out their way

Joe: leave it a couple years you’ll be a mature student and they ask less questions

Joe: how rude

Joe: after you told him about your massive cock and everything? 💔

Ronnie: go ed and dig me up when youve graduated then

Ronnie: 3s a crowd when 2 of em are scousers & the others from fuck knows where didnt have you to translate or the horse for scale

Joe: after an invite? Sure thing, sis

Joe: not Kent then, gutted

Ronnie: less questions you said put your ? away gobshite

Ronnie: not england but i aint a skinhead who cares so hes as alive as dorothy ever leaves em

Joe: people love that though

Joe: black EDL members and asian conservatives, such a laugh for ‘em

Ronnie: too late to go back and put the boot in now he ll have been shown the door & it wasnt me getting a name or number

Joe: his loss all ‘round then, I get it

Ronnie: yeah

Joe: alright, so I need linking

Ronnie: you got cash or you selling yourself

Joe: I’ve got cash, just not the contact

Ronnie: hand it over ill pick up for you

Joe: you think i’m that green

Ronnie: what colour do you reckon you are

Joe: you’ve got no prejudice, apparently, so what’s it matter

Joe: [picture of some of the multi-coloured bruises you acquired]

Ronnie: he was a pussy & you want me to connect you to people who aint

Ronnie: youre an easy target

Joe: you wanna pocket my money yourself instead, I get it

Joe: you can have a % of the shit, alright

Joe: not asking you to do it for nothing

Ronnie: thats all theyd do when you show up with your baby face and habit

Ronnie: ill take your money & still have it pocketed cos i dont need student loans to score no shit are you asking me to do it for nothing

Joe: what you gonna give me to keep hold of ‘til you give me mine

Ronnie: add an arm to your collection what do i care

Joe: yeah, what do ya

Ronnie: you want a easy pick up get a schoolboy plug i dont know any

Ronnie: i care about money youre ready to waste

Joe: that’s part of the appeal

Joe: why get it in a safe, nearly legitimate way

Joe: half the fun, eh, alright, alright

Joe: do it then, I don’t know no fucker else I can ask yet, I’ve gambled on worse

Ronnie: i just wanna get it thats the fun

Ronnie: get into a fight with whoever the fuck you like whenever for a pissing contest

Joe: you wanna start one ‘fore I’ve given you the cash and you’ve given me mine?

Joe: that’s blatant bullshit

Ronnie: you wish

Ronnie: save your childish excitement for the phone call home like

Joe: nah, you’re full of shit that it’s not just as much about the company and authentic experience

Joe: there’s plenty dealers that are nowt but businessmen

Joe: nothing but a transaction and they’ll sell to a junkie and city banker as one in the same

Joe: don’t act like you don’t have a deathwish or what was the point of taking me there and showing me

Ronnie: where the fuck am i meeting buisinessmen or getting the cash to pay em

Ronnie: dont be fucking rem

Joe: everyone’s stupid enough to wanna get their dick sucked over cold hard cash every other deal, no matter how presentable or legit they play

Ronnie: ive got the links ive got

Joe: fine

Joe: where you wanna do this then

Ronnie: whats your problem

Ronnie: [but a location anyway]

Joe: what’s mine

Joe: thought we’d covered that in length or are you less convinced now

Ronnie: convinced youve got fuck all to cry about

Joe: obviously

Joe: definitely bother with you if that were true

Ronnie: you wanted a big sister im doing all the hand holding

Joe: I never did and I still don’t

Joe: but you carrying on with the pretence if it makes you feel better

Ronnie: i didnt come to you or ask for fuck all to make me better

Joe: yeah you’re blameless

Joe: all in my fucked up head and not yours

Joe: what’s it like being an 👼🏼

Ronnie: i already told you you aint in my head & you werent in my veins for long enough to get fucking soft about it

Joe: i’ll be there in [however long that’d take you]

Ronnie: boss

Joe: you sound like them, you know

Ronnie: i dunno who the fuck youre talking about

Joe: the rest of the fam, of course

Joe: glad to see that the level of chatting bollocks to make yourself feel better is genetic, s’not depressing at all

Ronnie: that still dont clear fuck all up for me except that youre a bigger cunt than i thought

Joe: you don’t think about me

Joe: and none of that shit happened, your memory loss and confusion extends to that, don’t worry

Ronnie: you like me but you still compare me to em every chance you get

Ronnie: fuck you

Joe: yeah, fuck me

Joe: like you haven’t just

Joe: forget it, actually forget it

Ronnie: youre as full of shit as you reckon I am

Ronnie: forget that its been ages & youre speaking up now cause you want something

Joe: i haven’t been able to flick my brain onto anything else, never mind shut it down, I haven’t slept or eat or done anything to take me away from it, you

Joe: and it meant nothing to you

Joe: fuck you

Ronnie: gear not me

Ronnie: theres the authentic experience you were going on about

Joe: no

Ronnie: yeah

Joe: this is what I mean

Joe: you know as well as I do what it was

Joe: why are you fucking lying and saying I am

Ronnie: im a junkie all i do is lie & nothing else means anything to me

Ronnie: youre worse than green if you dont fucking know that

Joe: you’re lying that it meant nothing

Joe: not lying that it did

Joe: even if it made you fucking sick, that isn’t nothing and I don’t believe you

Ronnie: dont believe me i dont care who the fuck are you

Joe: your brother

Ronnie: youre nothing

Joe: yeah right

Ronnie: the dealer means more

Joe: already pointed out you’re that much of a cliche

Ronnie: what we can’t both be a cliche take it then

Joe: never heard that one

Ronnie: nows your chance to make a final comparison between me & whatever family member you hate or are turned on by the most

Joe: final chance, alright then, sound even more stupid

Ronnie: sound like more of a pussy that youre kicking off over this but not gonna fuck off

Joe: why would I?

Joe: i’m not pretending that it weren’t a thing

Ronnie: nah youre pretending it was

Ronnie: whoever the fuck ever told you youre special is the liar here like

Joe: your mate don’t count, you ain’t done that before either so fuck off with your jaded routine

Ronnie: hes my brother when & where it counts

Joe: there’s no blood and no reason not to go there, that’s where it counts

Ronnie: if i wanted to fuck you too your ma wouldnt stop me she means even less than you

Joe: yeah

Joe: you and your life aren’t totally fucked because of how much you care

Ronnie: you dont know shit about me or my life

Joe: you wish

Ronnie: you dont

Joe: or do you, actually

Joe: you shove it in everyone’s face, what do you reckon everyone thinks

Ronnie: youve seen a few scars & now youve seen into my soul yeah

Ronnie: shut the fuck up for all you know i lived a couple of doors down from you for your whole bullshit childhood

Joe: you look like that and reckon it doesn’t scream mommy issues? Fuck off, you aren’t that dumb

Ronnie: fuck you

Ronnie: everything you do is pure about her

Joe: not everything but I can admit she contributed

Ronnie: shes the 1st bitch to fuck me over but not the only is the difference between us

Ronnie: that unwanted bullshit was a pattern

Joe: you don’t know me either

Ronnie: i know you had a set of parents who kept hold of you however fucking west you were

Ronnie: no cunt was calling you racist shit or trying to touch you up

Joe: you’ve got a monopoly on fucked then, got it

Ronnie: like fuck have i but mine dont start & stop at mommy dearest how you think

Joe: of course it doesn’t

Joe: neither does mine

Ronnie: stop acting like youre an expert on how and why my head is wrecked and i wont have to kick yours in

Joe: you started it

Joe: but that’s good with me

Ronnie: get over yourself mckenna

Ronnie: you like what i start

Joe: i prefer the other night

Ronnie: yeah i like when youre getting punched in the face too

Joe: you can do the honours in a bit

Joe: fuck healing, yeah

Ronnie: what did your girlfriend say

Joe: oh, I got mugged and her dad’s gonna get her some pepper spray and a rape alarm 👍

Ronnie: hot

Ronnie: but she ll have dreamt you fell off the horse only got the single fantasy in her

Joe: that her dad’s so responsible and caring? would be her #2 if she had the range

Ronnie: if hes delivering that shit in person let me know so i can start something with him

Joe: oh god

Joe: that reminds me

Joe: She wants to invite Charlie over for like, a dinner party or something

Ronnie: if her daddy is there hes gonna need that rape alarm back off her to fend off mary

Joe: 😂

Joe: idk if she’s that oblivious and now wants Charlie to fuck her, or she thinks he’s my only mate 🙄

Ronnie: shes over you baby i scared her off

Joe: or she thought you was gonna ask for a line 😏

Joe: if that’s true I’ll owe you, again

Ronnie: ket hook up

Joe: you think she’ll let her love be in pain on your behalf?

Joe: not likely

Ronnie: not gonna ask politely

Joe: hot

Joe: I was gonna hit you up sooner

Joe: I tried to find you after

Ronnie: you didnt try hard

Joe: I only had one eye, by that point

Ronnie: im an attention whore with screaming mommy issues cant make it no easier to spot me in a crowd

Joe: in that crowd?

Joe: or will you be pissy if I call you dime a dozen

Ronnie: still got the accent as my own personal rape alarm

Joe: where’d you go then

Ronnie: youre a tourist theres no point telling you

Joe: if you left with that lad, no need to go over the details, got the picture

Ronnie: why the fuck would i leave with him

Joe: you mean you weren’t in his pants for his benefit

Joe: careful, getting bit close to honesty

Ronnie: i mean to go where i dont need a horse or an en suite

Ronnie: youre a hopeless romantic like

Joe: that’s a new complaint, I’ll tell my exes

Joe: deffo their fault after-all, buzzing

Ronnie: how many are there

Joe: get less slut-shaming off Soph, cheek

Joe: I dunno, I had to keep it moving because of all the secret mommy issues, you know

Joe: I’ll do a tally

Ronnie: its not already carved into your arm no wonder theyre pissy at you

Joe: if that worked for any of ‘em they could come back from the ex thing

Joe: 💔

Ronnie: try her initials whatever the fuck they are in between dinner party courses and win her back

Joe: you should come

Ronnie: id be made up if she pepper sprays me

Joe: it’d be the only way this won’t be the worst evening ever

Ronnie: loads of ways to take out your other eye ill pass you a spoon

Joe: give a go doing my A-Z carving with it too

Joe: 🤞 she invites her twink classmate and you can try for your threesome

Ronnie: she’ll get in there before us cause youll have distracted me with the state of your cackhanded 💘 carving

Joe: can’t say I’d be sorry

Ronnie: you catholics invented anal but i reckon its overrated

Joe: you’d probably feel different if that’s where your g-spot was but can’t say I disagree with that either, not that that’s anything too deep to have in common so we’re fine

Joe: and raised strictly un-catholic so the pope can’t have a go

Ronnie: nah no cunt would find it if it was there either

Joe: 💔 baby

Ronnie: you mean it

Joe: yeah

Joe: which bit, though

Ronnie: my invite to the shitshow

Joe: ‘course

Joe: if it’s shit, you’ll only have yourself to blame for not livening it up enough

Joe: and I will have to kill myself if I have to be there sincerely

Ronnie: he knows about you

Ronnie: might wanna kill yourself if he opens his mouth

Joe: oh

Joe: so I’m gonna have to act all nice and respectful, yeah

Ronnie: if you wanna make me sound full of shit

Joe: what did you say?

Ronnie: told him i shot you he werent best pleased about it but youre not his brother so fuck all he can do

Joe: sweet

Joe: still not gonna fuck him though

Ronnie: hed get your g spot for you 🍒

Joe: not if he’s worried about my innocence

Ronnie: hes worried about my head getting wrecked not yours only bitch who is

Joe: you’ll have to tell him what you told me

Joe: I ain’t in there

Ronnie: you fairies bring everything back to your obsession with your mothers course hes no fucking exception

Ronnie: & cos i stole my file when i was a kid he thinks i give a shit too you were part of the happy 🏡 picture he was getting in a flap about but i tore through that 🌈 optimism with the 💉

Ronnie: you can have lively

Joe: better he knows than goes on about it

Joe: it’s far from 🌈☀️ even if you were up for it

Ronnie: every soft lad but him knows its ⛈ if not outright 🌨

Joe: when I started looking, if you were like them, I weren’t even gonna bother to talk to you

Joe: just give her the info and let her do it herself

Joe: but I knew you weren’t

Ronnie: told you youd have liked me at 9

Joe: 😏 yeah yeah

Ronnie: shed have bailed before scrolling that far back even with the pure messy sketchy shit kept off for the sake of dorothys cv

Joe: idk,she bangs on about her own glory days as ‘precaution’ enough

Joe: probably dead proud

Ronnie: raincheck on dinner i gotta go slit my throat after hearing that like

Joe: yeah, it’s real fun

Joe: far as starters go though, you’re welcome

Ronnie: cos you owe me go ed & drag my corpse there dress it up like horse girl and send her that info so i dont make her proud yeah

Joe: gotcha

Joe: the fibres sending Soph down are an unfortunate side-affect or added bonus, depending how you feel

Ronnie: dressing like a dyke art teacher is shady to my mourners hed have loved having me on the team

Joe: sure she wants to be buried in her jodhpurs, like

Joe: not gay but kink-adjacent, he’ll be alright

Ronnie: inside the horse youll have to hollow it out for her

Joe: poor horse not ready to be made into glue but there we go

Ronnie: but when youre ready to follow me to the grave only need a plastic bag

Joe: follow you anywhere, or whatever sounds good in a song

Ronnie: not had a little brother like that before

Ronnie: never know the mime is behind you or not

Joe: he shy or you cut his tongue out altogether

Ronnie: saving that for you cos i know how you feel about 🍒 & theres fuck all else left

Ronnie: hed never get attention whore out or mommy issues w & m forget it

Joe: I can feel the slutshame

Joe: there hasn’t been hundreds, come on

Joe: you were being weird, I needed to get you talking, it worked

Ronnie: how many then

Joe: I guess 6 total, not counting anyone before like 15 because that isn’t real, maybe 7 but we might be pushing the term girlfriend there

Ronnie: 💘 how many songs

Joe: not destined for the bin? Fuck all

Joe: cliche points off the charts though

Ronnie: i know youve seen the busking vids hes still got posted up that im in i cant say shit

Joe: you’re good

Joe: even when you have to go Top40 for the tips

Joe: class thing about the cello, looks more pitiful ‘cos the case is massive, people try to fill it, like

Ronnie: soz im not killing myself fast enough for you

Ronnie: miss me with your schoolboy cliches 🖕

Joe: don’t worry, the songs were ‘insert name here’ jobs if they were anything

Joe: don’t wanna sound like I’m singing about a 75 year old bloke, do I

Ronnie: if itd been changed you wouldnt have found me shit at stalking as you are songwriting like

Joe: you’ve already got your own song anyway, don’t be greedy

Ronnie: ill keep you some 🐴 if youre not

Ronnie: 1st thing i tried if you do wanna follow after us

Joe: trip down memory lane we can both handle

Joe: ‘course

Ronnie: dont have any exes itll have to do

Joe: prefer the ket

Ronnie: write a song about it

Joe: [blatantly will in a pisstake way]

Ronnie: k gonna be dead easy to carve with the spoon can do it rattling

Joe: your faith in my abilities is appreciated

Ronnie: youre not fucking here youll have to

Joe: just got out the station hold on

Ronnie: fuck telling me to hold on you hurry up

Joe: if you shut up I can run

Ronnie: can you

Joe: fuck off i’m not that unfit 😂

Ronnie: nah dead fit far as homos and horse girls reckon

Joe: lucky me

Ronnie: youve had 7 bitches no cunts gonna feel sorry for you

Joe: all various shades of boring though

Ronnie: no shit

Joe: so you’re saying you ain’t gutted for me? 💔

Ronnie: your virginity sob story is like me in that crowd of cunts you couldnt find your way through

Joe: Christ, don’t remind me, first and last time I ever went near a virgin

Ronnie: theyre all older than you itd be pathetic well as boring

Joe: exactly

Joe: too much hassle having to worry about them, destroys any point of doing it

Ronnie: gotta put their kids in the cupboard as is

Joe: fortune in gaffa tape, like

Ronnie: still not 💔 mckenna going on about how flush you are since i met you

Joe: amazing how far you can stretch the loans when you steal Soph’s food and do fuck all that ain’t necessary

Joe: not like I actually dated any sugar mommies

Joe: should’ve, clearly but carefree 18-25s are easiest actually

Ronnie: gears necessary now youre gonna have to start stealing more than her pasta shapes

Joe: you’re my manager now, are you 😏

Joe: there’s shit I can do, music gigs, it’s fine

Ronnie: fine for your baby habit

Ronnie: it wont last

Joe: alright doom and gloom

Joe: not gonna learn how to cover my teeth yet

Ronnie: fuck off & fuck you

Joe: i’m here so come say it to my face

Ronnie: youre not better than me cos you can nod through a cello practice

Joe: where’d I say I was

Ronnie: when you said how fucking functional you are

Joe: I didn’t, I said I could get cash, that’s all

Ronnie: so can i its not the fucking point

Joe: and I didn’t say you couldn’t so what’s yours

Ronnie: youre not a fucking kid at the pool if youre gonna pussy out cos the waters too cold fucking do it

Joe: I’m in and you know that

Joe: so let me in

Ronnie: bullshit are you

Ronnie: youre proud of yourself for treading water

Joe: you’ve got the plug, I’ve got the cash, what is the problem with that

Joe: it’s an equalizer, if anything

Ronnie: we ll never be equal

Ronnie: you can cover your arm run off to class & pick up another boring girl whenever the fuck you like

Joe: what do you want me to do, seriously

Joe: say it

Ronnie: stop talking

Ronnie: fucks sake

Joe: [Show up hun]

Ronnie: [I love the idea that they have to wait around for ages for this dealer in awkward silence haha]

Joe: [the casual tension]

Ronnie: [god knows what she’s gonna use to ease the tension with a lil bit o self harm because god knows where they even are, I worry about you and all the infections you would get gal]

Joe: [the casual one-upmanship until you’re interrupted]

Ronnie: [we know she’s not paying him in cash and we know why she’s not please don’t get into another fight Joseph]

Joe: [got to let that one go as she was specifically like you’re not better than me, probably fuck off whilst that happens ‘cos not gonna stick about]

Ronnie: [take your heroin and calm down huns]

Joe: [hope you take enough to pass out ‘cos you’re not gonna be in any sort of mood now either of ya lol]

Ronnie: [we’ll do you both that favour]

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bolbianddolanhouse · 4 years

Text

BNHA self insert AU [Book 3]

New? Read here! Then here!

Part 1 - Part 2

Chapter 10.75: It’s Vinegar- Wha?- It’s Vinegar, Pussy

I’ve been taking notice of the servants, they all have distinct features and some of them seem to serve a particular family member when they come around. Which leads me to think that this servant that took the picture probably knows the most about the house. From what I remember from the hologram, this servant is male presenting with light skin, sun spots, salt and pepper hair with a very pronounced nose. Problem is, I haven’t seen him.

I had some afternoon tea by myself in the parlor as uncle Tensei did some calls to our extended family. Usually I hate having tea time, because it makes me feel like a pompous piece of shit rich boy and I prefer coffee anyways. But I took the tea this time to observe the servants. I learned that they all gather in the kitchen at 8pm to gossip before the non-live in servants have to leave for the day. So I snuck down to the kitchen to listen in.

“...Can you believe I served afternoon tea again! Ugh, when will I forget he’s dead now?!”

“I saw, nice save that you served it to Iwata-chan.”

“Man that kid beefed up! He used to be so timid and never show his power. But I saw the way he levitated those antiques with ease, kid is like his mother.”

“Maybe we’ll get to see more of the family now that he’s dead?! The mother is just so pleasant to be around.”

“Too bad Thad-kun won’t be here to see them spend more time at the estate. He loved Itati-sama and Tenya-sama.”

I peeked my head in “Who’s Thad-kun?”

The staff yelped and jumped at my sudden appearance.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you!” I bowed in forgiveness “But I couldn’t help but to overhear that there’s a servant that isn’t here anymore?”

“Yes, Thaddeus was one of the oldest servants here” spoke one of the female servants “he was the previous head of estate’s favorite servant, from Thad’s record, he was about 20 when the previous head of estate inherited the estate. Since then, Thad was in service of him and only him.”

“Yea, Thad-kun passed two years ago of the flu in his private quarters” spoke one of the chefs “Poor man didn’t have any family or children, just spent his whole life serving the Iida family. But he adored all the family that married in and the children, he took pictures of all the children when they’re newborns and puts them in this scrapbook.”

“Oh yea the scrapbook! Pretty sure it’s in the parlor bookcase” chimed in a younger servant “We hid it from the old head of estate, we were scared that he might destroy it or something. Anything to preserve the memory of our friend.”

“Yup, all of us feared that old man. But Thad-kun knew how to calm him and never missed a single tea time” said the chef “We have his journal in the parlor book case as well. There’s notes on what that old man liked in case he wasn’t around to serve him and we dip into it when anything comes up.”

“Hmm, I just might crack into them” I pondered “Thank you for sharing! Sorry for interrupting again, I’ll be taking my leave.”

“Any time Iwata-chan!” said all the staff as they waved bye to me.

I float my way to the parlor, trying to not make noise to catch the attention of my uncle or the other servants that have night duties. I search through the books to find an old green leather photo album and a worn black journal. I took the books to my room to look them over, the album had so many pictures of couples and babies with their names neatly written underneath the photo. It was so organized that I could trace back to who was my great-grand father! Apparently I came from a side branch family and that theres 4 branch families and one main, but the main family didn’t marry and had children to maintain lineage. So great grand uncle was the last one of the main family. I only know of one other branch family, the other two are a mystery to me. Getting to the end of the album, I put it to the side and opened up the journal. I get to an interesting part that reads:

March 14th,

I helped Iida-sama take down portraits in the Lineage Hall. He’s asked me to burn them but I don’t have the heart to do so. When he left for work, I hid them in the West wing linens closet. I can only hope he will forgive me someday. Erasing these people and only keeping the heroes this family is the work of a tyrant! Mothers, daughters and non-engine sons are to be celebrated with their hero relatives. May the next heir see the light and I’ll unearth the family hidden history.

The west wing linens closet?! Such a place exists?

-The next day-

“Tio, what’s the agenda for today?” I asked after breakfast.

“Today I’m going to check in with the agency on the phone” responded Uncle Tensei “then talk to the gardeners, then we plan for a welcome ball.”

“Oh uhhhhh can any of those things wait until tomorrow?” I got timid over the full schedule of things “because I found an important clue regarding the portraits.”

Uncle Tensei looked at me with intensity “The agency can wait, show me what you found.”

I showed them the journal entry “...so do you know wheres that linens closet?”

“Hmmm the West wing is used to store the decorative pieces of the estate for Balls or other events” pondered Tensei “Nobody in the family would think of finding something that important there since it’s a servant accessible area...”

We looked at each other and activated our arm engines to zip to the west wing. It was like we shared the singular brain cell at that moment and it was telling us to stop being civil and zoom. And sure enough, there was the portraits! Still in excellent condition and in their original frames. There were some without frames and they were portraits of the women that married in the family in the recent decades, the most recent one was of my mom. I looked at the portrait and was stunted by the artist’s capture of her natural beauty. The way they painted the flower crown and her curls, the exact shade of medium tan skin, the detail of the rebozo on her shoulders and the crisp white of the traditional dress. She was so young in this portrait and it made me wonder when this was taken.

“Oh my I remember when this one was painted” chuckled Uncle Tensei as he caught me gawking at the painting “Your dad had this arranged for your mom’s 24th birthday, months before they got married. These are usually done with traditional wear and since your mom isn’t Japanese, she showed up in that dress and shawl. All the women in the family were fawning over how beautiful her traditional dress was. The artist was so inspired by the flowers in her hair that he had he pose in the garden, making her portrait the only one painted in an outside setting.”

“Wow, she had that type of power over others huh?” I said in awe.

“She didn’t want to at first but the family painter convinced her that she was already the first ethnic woman to marry into the family, may as well make the portrait as unique as possible” a frown slowly crept onto his face “But then great grand uncle wanted the portrait scraped because she wasn’t in kimono and that she looked unkept with her down down and no makeup. Honestly, I feel like he didn’t want Tenya to marry her because of her ethnicity but turned a blind eye on that because she was a CEO and wanted to asset the company. Your dad had this whole plan to make a garden for your mother to frolic in when he gets the estate, with lots of flowers and fruit trees OH and the lily pond! It was going to take up like half of that empty lawn space in the middle.”

I looked at the portrait “So much fuss over this woman.”

“But she was worth it. Look at all the things she contributed to the family!” He started to describe “She doesn’t see it but she’s a blessing to us. We needed someone outspoken and bold to challenge great grand uncle’s tyrannic ways.”

That stayed with me for the rest of my time at the estate. I didn’t know what to think of my mom anymore, yes she’s amazing but she kept an important part of history from me and who know who else?! Finally, after 6 days of tolerating it, I was able to go home! And just in time! It’s the day before Christmas Eve and Lili is flying in today.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you home?” asked Uncle Tensei as I take my bags to the front door “I don’t have any business to attend to today.”

“Naw Tio, I’m good” I sigh tiredly “I’m just a little sick of spending time together like this, as much as I love you as my uncle” I float my bags “I just wanna go home on my own and reflect on things.”

“I understand, every young man needs their time alone” Tensei smiled warmly “Have a safe journey home, see you in a few days.”

I wave good bye “Bye bye tio!” I turn my head to the servants that gathered around “Bye bye everyone else! Thank you for helping me find the critical clue in the portrait mystery!”

Everyone bid me good bye and safe travel until I was out of sight. From there I took a short train trip and two buses home, picking up a few interesting things along the way that I could gift. In total, it took about 3 hours to get home. Whole time I was just thinking of the ways I was going to confront mom about what I learned. The ways I could say how I feel, the ways she might react...I don’t know what to expect! And I’m super nervous. I stood at the front door for maybe 5 minutes because of how nervous I was! Finally mustering the courage to open the door with my eyes closed, the air of baked goods hit me first.

“I’m home” I announced myself, holding my breath to whoever answers.

“Iwata, you’re home” yipped the robo dog as it trots into view “Did you know it’s been 222 days since you’ve last been home?! I missed you very much and so has everyone else.”

I bent down to pet them “Has it? It feels longer than that” I booped their nose “I missed you too boy.”

“Mom is in the kitchen, Dad is picking up Lili at the airport, Hanaka is at her friend’s house and Tensei is practicing with their group” listed the robo “Everyone should be home before 7pm for dinner...it is now half past 4.”

I look at the clock thats mounted at the entrance to confirm the time, then looked down at the shoes. Mom’s were there in their usual spot and I kicked off mine in their usual spot. Now it feels like I’m home. I slowly made my way to the kitchen, and there she was, taking cookies out of the oven in her iconic floral apron.

“Mom? I’m home.”

“OH! Iwata! I didn’t hear you come in!” Mom squealed before setting down the hot tray to embrace me “I thought your were coming home tomorrow?!”

“Nah I’m sick of looking at Tio and doing rich people things” I gagged to drive my point “I left late morning and took public transport. I just really wanted to come home.”

“I understand mijo, I probably would’ve done the same” she pursed her lips and placed her hand on my face “Why don’t you settle back in? I’ll have some food ready for you if you’re hungry.”

My stomach growled in comedic timing “Heh, okay. I’ll go do that.”

My side of the room stayed untouched, as expected. Tensei was a good boy and doesn’t go through my things. I slammed myself face first into my bed and screamed into my pillow. GOD I missed my bed and the comforts of home! As I unpacked, I remembered what I was going to do and dreaded having to bring it up in casual conversation with her. I hid the device in my closet shelf, away from Hanaka’s prying eyes. When I finally showed myself downstairs, mom had my plate of food ready at my spot on the nook.

“How was things at the estate? Tensei hasn’t told me much other than it’s been busy.” Mom said as she washed her hands “Oh that reminds me! The school called tell me that you missed some finals and they’re letting you make them up the weekend before school resumes.”

I sat down “Things were weird mom. I learned way more than I asked for” I sighed and picked up my fork “I never want to be that rich and be without family! Did you know that the oldest butler hid the family portraits that the old man took down?! I didn’t know you had a portrait done with them.”

“You found it?! I thought that old man for sure destroyed it!” gasped Mom “It was a beautiful painting and a very sentimental art piece to your father. He wanted to keep it if the old man didn’t approve it to be hung in the estate, but before he could ask, it was gone! Or so we were told by the artist.” She sat at her spot to listen to me “What else?”

In between bites of chilaquiles, I told her of my time and who I spoke to. I tried to bring up what I wanted to confront to her about, but that look in her eyes and all her attention made me want more of her...I missed my mom and I as torn between all my emotions I was feeling. Wish I didn’t have to do this. Everyone came home and we were finally a full house. It felt so good to be in their company again, I didn’t even mind all the smothering this time! Suppose the confrontation has to wait.

-The next day, at breakfast-

“Damn B, it’s just spam and eggs with toast” said the twins, looking at Lili and me have a breakdown over our food.

Lili wipes her eyes “I KNOW! I have to cook for myself every meal” she pointed at her toast “I have to wake up at 6 in the god forsaken morning so I can buy bread like a peasant woman because there isn’t any chain grocery stores where I live in France!”

“I haven’t had a single decent meal since I lived in the dorms” I held my toast up gently “F in the chat for the toaster in the dorms that Beizu tore apart for parts in August.”

Lili held her toast up with me “F”

“Yall are so fucking weird” Hanaka said with a groan “You don’t see Oro and I do this shit.”

“Don’t make fun of your older siblings” scolded Dad with an arm chop “They’ve had a tough time being away from home. You’d understand once you have to cook for yourself everyday.”

“ANYWAYS! Mom, who’s coming tonight?” cut in Tensei.

“Oh ummm, Mr Hitoshi and his husband. Aunty Mimi with Nikita, uncle Jin, Mei and Beizu, Mr Tokoyami and Petti, the Ojiros” listed Mom “Aunty Midnight, Hoshi and the Midoriyas. So more people than usual.”

“Aw abuela and abuelito aren’t coming this year?” responded Tensei with a pout.

“They’re coming for abuelita’s birthday, so don’t get all pouty mijo” assured Mom “But after breakfast, we gotta get our butts in clean mode because Mr Hitoshi and his husband are coming at 3pm, they’re dropping the kids off at their grandparent’s then coming straight here.”

And so I got back into the swing of things, my winter chore is cleaning the bathrooms and making sure they’re fully stocked with toiletries. I was done before our first guests were supposed to come, so my mind raced with how I was going to talk to mom as I showered.

“You decent?” knocked Lili at my door.

“Yea, come in” I said as I was drying my hair “What’s poppin’?”

She threw her arms around me and squeezed me “I just wanted to come in and hug you” she pinched my arms “Damn boy, UA beefed you up! I couldn’t tell under your baggy sweaters.” She laughed “But forrealzies, how much did you inherit?”

“Straight to the point huh?” I leaned in to her ear “2 million dollars and all the old man’s collectables.”

“Shut the fuck up!” gasped Lili “So you and tio were the only ones on the will?! That’s pretty wack, I’m the oldest and dad is literally that man’s family!”

I sighed “It’s complicated but I’ll say that it all has to do with mom.”

“Damn, but what are you going to do with the money?” asked Lili curiously.

“Might buy myself a house and go to college, or save it if I get a really good job out of high school.” I flop onto my bed “Lili, do you ever feel like mom has been hiding something from you?”

“Yea, it’s a given.”

I turn my head to face her “Wait what?”

“It’s a given. I’m sure mom hid things from us to protect us or because it’s none of our business” She responded “She’s a reasonable person, maybe she’ll tell us eventually when she’s ready to tell us. I’ve been curious of mom too when I was in high school. Nothing made sense and I felt like maybe I wasn’t going down the right path, so I asked her what she did and it opened up her past. After that conversation, I had more respect for her and felt like I can be more open to her about what I’m curious about.”

“Do you think she’ll answer me if I ask her something?” I felt my stomach tie itself into knots “I learned so much about her from other people that I’m not sure if we know the same person.”

Lili put her hand on my back “She’s our mom, no matter what, she’ll love us.”

That made me feel so much better about what I was about to do. I took my calming breaths at the base of the stairs before facing mom in the living room. She was having some down time after slaving over the pot of Pozolé and Ponché, her face still red from the heat of the pots.

“Hey mom, ummm mind if I ask you something?”

“Sure mijo is everything okay?” responded Mom as I sat down in the arm chair adjacent from the couch “You seem kind of stiff.”

“I’m just nervous” I responded “I just... I learned alot of things about you these past months. And I have so many questions that I’m afraid of knowing the answers too.”

“What is it? You can ask me anything” Mom said, looking attentively “You have my full attention.”

It hurt to see her like this, especially with what I had to say.

“Why did you hide about the death of Beizu Iwata?” I asked, looking at her dead in the eye.

Her face didn’t budge from her expression “I didn’t? His death is public information-”

“Stop LYING TO ME!” I yelled “You know what I mean! He was Bei’s dad and you couldn’t save him, and you’re guilty of your incompetence so you had me to give his son a friend. And that’s my purpose isn’t it?! I’m just some living plaything!”

“Iwata why would you say such a thing! I didn’t-”

“SHUT UP I’M NOT DONE TALKING!” I raised my voice “You named me after him, I’m here to just fix your mistake aren’t I? And what about your lovechild with Mr Hitoshi?! Oh and not to mention on why you came over here alone at 15 years old!” I felt myself become tense in this mix of rage and the verge of tears “It’s like I don’t even know you! WHO ARE YOU?!” I felt the hot tears run down my face “and why are things so complicated?”

Mom was white as a ghost and frozen on the couch. And my yelling got the attention of my dad.

“Iwata El Roca Iida! What is the meaning of this!” demanded Dad as he approached us “You dare to yell at your mother in that tone?! What has gotten into you? I-”

Mom held her hand up, commanding dad to stop talking. She then got up, stood in front of me and got on her knees for the deep bow. I’ve never seen her do this before and I got scared.

“I’m sorry Iwata, please forgive me for all my mistakes” she lifted her head to show the tears creeping down her face “I know I’m not a perfect mother and I’m a very flawed human with a very troubled past, but please let me explain things.” She took a deep breath to stabilize her breathing “I named you after Beizu Iwata, he’s one of the few people that I trusted to run the company. He poured his everything into the company and I wouldn’t be as successful without him. His death devastated me, I chased after him when he ran back inside the burning building. When I begged him to get to safety and to leave everything behind, he looked at me and touched my stomach before breaking the 6th floor window to throw me out with a box in my arms. Of course somebody caught me before my body reached the ground and he reappeared a few minutes later. After his death, I learned that I was 2 months pregnant with you, he saved both of us mijo. If I stayed any longer, I risked losing you and I don’t think my heart could take another infant death.”

“Another infant death?” my eye widened “No, don’t tell me-”

“I’m afraid so” She tried really hard not to lose her composure “I lost my first baby that I had with Mr Hitoshi, I wanted to have them so badly. You don’t know how much it hurts to not have a family when you still need them, so you make your own. But it hurts even more when you lose the family you failed to build.”

“Ita, please stand up” gently begged Dad, on the verge of tears “Please love, you don’t have to re-live the trauma. It’s okay.”

“No Tenya, I have to say it. How will we move forward if I don’t say what happened in the past?” She couldn’t look at us and kept her head down to face her lap “I came here to protect my family...” She told me the whole story of what happened in America and her decision that changed her life forever “...And that’s my burden to bear. I wish things didn’t have to be like this and I could be with my family and made my dreams come true back home. I dedicate my life to making sure nobody has to every go through what I went through unless it’s their decision.” She looked at me “I understand that you might not want to associate with me after all this, but just know that I love you so much. I wanted to have you, to nurture you, to teach you that you are free to be whoever you want to be, to love whomever you want” Her expression was full of pain, like it was bottled for years and it’s now surfaced “I know of all the bad things that could hurt you and I shouldn’t let one of them be me. And I’m sorry that I have.”

I felt like the villain, making my mom re-live her trauma and tell me she’s a bad mother. She’s not a bad person, she’s lived a life full of tragedy and we’re the one good thing that went right. And after all that, she still has the capacity to tell me she loves me? I really don’t deserve to be her son. I levitated her up and ran into her for a tight hug.

“I’m sorry” I sobbed “I didn’t know! And I feel awful! I just thought that maybe-”

“It’s okay baby” She shushed me, stroking my hair “No more bad feelings, no more deceit. If you want to know something, don’t bottle it up, just tell me and I won’t turn you away.”

“Okay mom” I held her tighter “I’m sorry I ruined Christmas.”

“You didn’t ruin Christmas Iwata” chuckled Mom through her tears “Your tia set the Christmas tree on fire when I was like, twelve, and it burned all the presents underneath it.”

“Never mind that actually sucks” I laughed, pulling away from her “Then is everything cool?”

“Hmmm, I wouldn’t say that” Mom said, giving me her iconic career ending face “I cleared up and explained myself, now it’s your turn.” She levitates me so I wouldn’t run “Care to explain your little academic double life?”

“Huh? What are you talk-” It hit me, she knows about my double program enrollment “Oooooh, oof.”

“We’ve known since June” Dad spoke up with his arms crossed “Nurse Eri told us when she called to discuss your health exam. We talked to the school to confirm, so theres no use in lying your way out of this one Iwata.”

I looked at my parents and sighed in defeat “Fine, I enrolled myself in the Hero and Intel course after your Great Grand Uncle told me he was going to pay for my tuition. So to spite him later, I was going to show him that I got both and decide to be an agent instead of a hero to break the streak of heroes in the family.” I felt like a trapped animal awaiting death “He insulted my family and I used my favoritism as my upper hand to get back at him that I am my mother’s son and so what?! Fuck that viejo and his hateful ass, I’m half latino!”

“You really are your mother’s son” said Dad in disbelief “It’s like looking at your mother when she was your age, same pettiness and pride!” He cleared his throat “But that doesn’t mean we aren’t going to punish you for lying to us on why you’re always stressed! You know better than to overwork yourself.”

“And on top of that, I had someone on the inside tell me about the device and the old school files” Mom added “So you peeked and meddled into my personal business ey?! And all you did was hurt yourself. We have no choice but to issue capital punishment to you AND Beizu.”

I gasped “You leave him out of this! He’s innocent!”

“Can’t do, he’s your accomplice” Mom pulled out her phone to show me texts “One of the perks of having friends that work in a school is that you have watchful eyes on your children at all times.”

“Damn you got us” at that moment, I knew I was about to hate my life.

“We’ll come up with a group punishment later, but we agreed that you’re to be sentenced to house arrest for the rest of the winter break” Mom crossed her arms “AND we’re taking away cursing privileges, starting now.”

I gasped “NOOOO! Anything but capital punishment!”

The doorbell rang, it was our first guests.

“Hey I brought- oh are we interrupting something?” Mr Hitoshi said walking into the living room.

“Not at all! Just issuing punishment” Mom puts me down and turns to the two men “Iwata was just talking about you Hitoshi!”

“Oh yea? About what?” chuckled the purple haired man as took a seat.

Mom motioned to me “Iwata, care to share with him?”

I gulped the guilt lump I had in my throat “I know about your and my mom’s baby and their death was the reason you left my mom.”

Mr Hitoshi’s face turned white “How did you- There’s no way!”

“He got real nosey and hurt his own feelings” Mom summarized it “Oh you brought the saké! Bring the cups out Tenya!”

“What else did you learn Iwata?” asked Mr Neito.

“I learned that you, um, did the deed with my mom” I cringed “Many times, in the dorms and a few times in the workrooms at school.”

“YOU WHAT?!” screamed Dad with a tray of specialty drink ware.

“Oh don’t act surprised Tenya!” Mom put her hands on her hips “It was totally obvious! I lost my virginity to him. And I rewarded him with intimacy after training and in turn, became a decent person.”

“Yup, sorry Tenya that you got my sloppy seconds” responded Mr Nieto unapologetically “But as I said at your wedding, good for you that you got a woman that can really spice things up.”

“I thought you meant that she’s a good cook!” Dad defended himself “Not that you two had a thing in the past?!”

“Join the club, I didn’t know either until she dropped off the wedding invite” Hitoshi said as he poured the saké “But I’ll drink to that!” He handed each of us a little cup of the alcohol and raised his glass “To Ita and her bomb pussy game, it was the one thing I missed the most.”

“Kampai!” cheered everyone but my dad and I.

I downed my cup and held it out again “Imma need another cup so I can forget that chief.”

I waited patiently for Beizu to come so I can hold his hand as we get flamed my our moms with the group punishment. And when he did, his face was puffy from crying and we just held each other for the brief moment we had before getting flamed. Our mom’s agreed that the group punishment was no sleepovers the entire break and one week of intense training with aunty Mimi. I didn’t know what to do, other than go up to my room with Beizu for blanket fort time.

“Iwa, we were so wrong about things” Beizu said softly as he put his head on my chest “but I’m happy it wasn’t that way. I couldn’t imagine a life without you, it’s the one thing I’m certain about.”

I smiled and stroked his hair “Me too, we’re two halves that can’t be left incomplete.” I thought about my inheritance “When we get older, would you go on a vacation with me or co-own a house with me?”

Beizu thought about it for a minute “Hmm, I’d co-own a house with you. Because then we can spend everyday with each other.”

“What if we do both?”

“Even better but I’m just thinking of all that money we’d need to do that” explained Beizu “the house is a better investment.”

“Okay, say I inherited 2 million dollars and I want to spend it on us, now what would you say?”

His eyes widen “You did not just inherited 2 million?!” Beizu was in disbelief “I’d probably just marry you at that point. Hell, lets get married right now!”

I laughed and brought him in for a hug “Let’s get married and spend all of our money on pillows and our favorite foods. Living easy for the rest of our lives.”

He held me tight “That’s my dream, to be with you forever.”

So maybe Christmas wasn’t ruined by me and I was just being latino-in-a-telenovela dramatic. I feel so much more like myself now. Year two of this shit is really happening!....wonder if it’s gonna rock my shit.

Chapter 10.75, End

#bnha #mha #self insert au #book 3 chapter 10.75 #not canon #will update regularly #ask me anything #//Palma-sama Speaks #Iwata fucked around and found out really hard this time! But finally the confrontation!#Not gonna lie... I cried writing the forgiveness part and I'm a big baby!#I hinted a few things that will show up toward the end of this book...yall gonna go feral over it #Lili is back for a bit bc I know she's some of yall's fave. If you're confused on who she is plz read Book 2 to get acquainted with her #A nice soft moment with the boys to close off the arc uwu bc the plot gets heart wrenching after this lmao #chapters are still on an inconsistent schedule bc school is continuing to kick my ass... F in the chat for my sanity

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mysticaldreamcashbandit-blog · 5 years

Text

my notes on the finaleee

SCREAMING THE THEME SONG

BEXIE YESSSS

NO I'VE NEVER SEEN NOTHING LIKE YOUUUUUUUU OOWOOOOO

oh party now

"what do you want them to be?" cyrus is me.

marty dances like my friend does

OMG TJS HERE

"i see" parallels

KIRA WTF LEAVE

GET UR ARM OFF HER TJ

"i was probably deluding myself anyway." HIS FACEEEEE BABY NOOOO

these lookback shorts during the commercials are making me more depressed then i already am

WERE BACK

kira what u laughing at

TJS FACE OMG

oh hes mad

"you know theres a difference, right?" damn go off

OH SHIT

"cyrus never made me pick" HOLY SKSKKSSK

oh its a trex this year?

its not andi??

OR JONAH

WHO TF

oh im scared

CELIA OMG YES

now THAT is character development

my baby boy tj is alone

OH CYRUS GO OFF

AMBERRRR

YES BEX PLAY THAT GUITAR

IM ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY I WAS BORN THIS WAYYYYY

why isnt marty up there tho

HE JUST WALKED UP TO HIM OKAY

awe tyrus side hugged oop

oh jandi great

THE BRACELET

HE KEPT IT???

it was in a sock?

awe he wants to keep it

the music is getting in my feels

"i wonder what wouldve happened if we met when we were older" "we will be" skskks

MUFFY PARALLELS

awe they are gonna have a normal convo

yeah nevermind

IT WASNT STUPID BUFFY NO

oh he followed

OMG ITS HAPPENING

"thats all i wanted to tell you in case you changed your mind" awe

THE HAMDS OMMTHAJS

KISS

MUFFY KISSSSSS

oh shit

tyrus hold up

ITS HAPPENING

bahahahaha "i poured water on her and she melted"

"theres always a nice person on the inside thats trying to get out."

WHAT DOES IT STAND FOR

5 people named kippen

it will be 6 when they get married

music?

thelonious jagger wtf

we were way off

"i love that name" aweee

OH FUCK

THE HAND

oh shirtttt

HE LOOKED AT EM

"is there anything you wanna tell me?" AHHHHHHH

hes doing "that voice" again

THEY ARE SO NERVOUSSSS

THE HANDDDDDDD

CYRUS' SMILEEEE

TJSSMSILLELLEEEEEE

HAND HOLD

FIRST CANON GAY COUPLE

MY BABIES

okay commercial

i love that they didn't NEED to say "i like you"

THE PICTUREEEE AWE OG GHC

ANDI SHACK OMG

SHE GOT INNNNNNN

bex is so happy

cyrus and buffy look so sadddd

omg the andi shack memories

you cant do this to me

i remember that "hes a nice boy" scene with cece

ARE THEY ALL GONNA HUG

aweeeee supportive parents

cyrus way to ruin the mood

OMG THESE FUTURE PICTURES

aweeeeeeeeee

buffy deserves to be a coach in the nba omg

PICTURE PARALLELS

dont make my cry again i swear

jonah lol it was winnie the pooh

"i think i missed some stuff" jonahhh

"LATER TATOR"

"IM NOT SAYING GOODBYE"

"I LOVE YOU ANDIMAN" HOLY HIT IN NOT OKAY RIGHT NOW

the picturesssss

wait theres a 3rd tack what

MACK CHAT

THEY FINALLY TALKED ABOUT TYRUS

WE DONT NEED A LOOKBACK I DONT WANNA CRY

THEY ARE SINGING THE SONG AND I ALMOST CRIED..

i can't beleive its over.

thank you andi mack

#andi mack #tyrus #tj kippen #cyrus goodman #buffy driscoll #muffy #jandi

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meathookcinema · 4 years

Text

I often think about my love of cinema, where it began and the influences on it, both film-based and what was going on around me.

I was born in February 1975. My arrival into the world coincides with the day on which Stephen Murphy the BBFC’s secretary first saw a new independent film called The Texas Chain Saw Massacre with a view to providing a certificate for it. It feels apt that my birth coincided with an event connected to such a sordid masterpiece which remains one of my favourite films to this day.

On hearing of a new arrival into the world most people want to hear information that I’ve always thought was a bit random and really boring. Who gives a flying fuck about a baby’s weight? I want to know what was showing at the local cinema.

Thankfully the information I was looking for regarding my own arrival onto this planet was awaiting me in the Central Library in York amongst the archived local newspapers on microfilm.

Film listings for a new future cineaste/exploitation film fan

I’m thrilled to report that when I was born the films being shown were veryyy me! And before you ask, one of them wasn’t The Omen.

There was either the Safari suited, high camp antics of eye-brow raising Roger Moore as 1970’s James Bond in The Man With The Golden Gun or a sex comedy double-bill consisting of Line Up and Lay Down (!) and Nurses on the Job (!!) Both choices I’m more than happy with.

Safari-suit Bond- the pinnacle of camp

A sex comedy double-bill. Another pinnacle of camp. Perfect cinematic choices for my birth.

The cinema these masterpieces were being shown was the Odeon Cinema in Blossom Street in York which remains my favourite cinema of all of the movie houses I’ve been to.

The Odeon was opened on 1st February, 1937. You can see how much of an exquisite building it was by it’s very architecture. A gorgeous building by any standards with it’s distinctive Art Deco form and shape, this was seen on it’s construction as an outstanding addition to the Odeon family.

The Odeon in the late 80’s

The Odeon is situated on one of the main streets in and out of the city and more importantly, it’s on the route that my father would use when driving us home after going to the city centre. I remember driving past this cinema even before I was old enough to start frequenting the place with my family. Driving by I’d see the garish, alluring and beguiling posters outside. Just the posters alone had the power to scare the fuck out of me as a child with the colourful and nightmarish artwork for horror films leaving the deepest imprints in my young and very furtile psyche. It was just one glance of the poster for the double bill of The Incredible Melting Man and U.S. TV movie The Savage Bees that prevented me from sleeping for several nights in a row.

I also distinctly remember seeing the poster for The Fog in 1980 (I must have been five years old) and that really freaking me out. Again, sleepless nights followed.

One of the other things I loved about cinemas in those days was that they didn’t just have amazing posters for the films they were showing but also lobby cards which showed key scenes of the films being shown within. Lobby cards seem to have died a death these days but I always loved them especially when they were for the horror fare of the day. If a poster could invoke fear in me then going up close and peering at some of the horrific and disturbing scenes that took place within these cinematic shockers was also an amazing experience for an over imaginative small child.

One of my earliest memories is of my 5 year old self running to where the posters and lobby cards were outside The Odeon to gaze for the longest time at the artwork for a new film that had just started to play there. That film was called Friday the 13th and it was again, 1980. The lobby cards prompted many questions. Who was the kindly old woman enveloped in the misty woodland? Was the killer a dab hand at archery? Hadn’t the girl in the canoe seen Joe Dante’s Piranha?! I’d never dip my hand so casually in a lake like that…So many thoughts ran through my fevered little brain.

Friday the 13th Lobby Cards. I pored over these for the longest time trying to figure out what they portrayed in the actual film

There was actually a Kentucky Fried Chicken opposite The Odeon and so because of this proximity a unique urban legend came into being. Even though it’s a slight variation on an already well known yarn, the people of York insist that this actually happened. Some say they even know the people involved. It goes like this-

A young couple decide to go to collect KFC and then dash into The Odeon opposite with their greasy meal. The film they are going to see has already started and so they order their food, pay and rush into the cinema to buy their tickets and find their seats. They do this and find that the house lights have already gone down and the place is packed. They somehow manage to find two seats together in the rammed auditorium and start to chow down on their KFC. Because the film has already started the couple can’t see what they are eating and just tuck in regardless. The young woman notices that what she thinks should be a piece of chicken tastes funny. It also doesn’t feel like a leg or breast. Sure, it’s coated in the Colonel’s secret coating but chicken it must definitely aint. With her eyes now started to get used to the darkness of the cinema she sees that in fact what shes been tucking into looks very strange indeed. She decides to take some of the coating off with her fingers and is horrified to see what is concealed underneath- and of which she still has a piece of in her mouth. She has been eating a deep fried rat! She screams, her male companion screams, the audience screams.

The ‘deep friend rat’ is an urban legend that is well-told the world over and can be applied to any fast-food joint but seems to be specific to KFC (much to their chigrin). There was even a case recently whereby someone posted the same story as fact, even with pictures as evidence. But when asked by KFC’s management for further evidence or closer investigation, the story’s perpetrator seemed backwards in coming forward with further details. Social media, the internet and emails are perfect for the further advancement of urban legends in the cyber age.

But I digress. Most of my trips to the cinema during my childhood and teen years were to The Odeon. I loved seeing films in such a venue that was steeped in history and gorgeous to boot. I could almost feel the history of the place as people who had been lucky enough to see some of my favourite films (and that I would have been too young to see at the time of their release) would have delighted in the magic of seeing such cinematic masterpieces as Taxi Driver, Jaws and The Exorcist (fast forward and this would change with The Exorcist as there was a one-off screening and on my 18th birthday (of all days!) It was almost like it was scheduled especially for me! And so in February 1993, even though it had snowed, my friends and I went out on the town and then went to see the film with a packed house (the film was still banned on video in the UK at that time). Whilst the print was in appalling condition and most probably one of the same prints used on the film’s original release in 1974, it had lost none of it’s power. I’ll never forget leaving the cinema, bidding my friends farewell and precariously going to find a taxi whilst wading through snow and trying not to break my neck whilst walking like Bambi over the ice underfoot. Oh, and I remember being really fucking scared because of the film!

In these innocent days of my early childhood a couple of Odeon visits really stick out in my mind for some reason. I think it’s because these films were perfect for kids- even kids who would have no chance of getting into screenings of the horror and exploitation films he’d preferred to have been watching even at a very early age.

One screening I went to when I was 5 years old was for Robert Altman’s Popeye and I absolutely loved it! The perfect casting, the set designs, the songs- the cartoon series I loved so much was effortlessly and almost eerily brought to life.

Another cinematic excursion to the Odeon that I look back on with real fondness was a double bill of a pre-Terminator Arnie and Kirk Douglas in the zany Cactus Jack and the live action kitsch fest Spiderman and the Dragon’s Challenge. This was originally a two-part television special made for American T.V. but was spliced together to make a feature film to be shown theatrically outside the U.S. Hence, how I had the good fortune to be watching it. Spidey was played by Nicholas Hammond, one of the Von Trapp brats from The Sound of Music. The film was so bright and colourful that it was akin to a Pop-Art Warhol print come to life. I seem to remember that Spidey’s webs looked like white rope. Myself and all lovers of cinematic cult fare need this film and the films that preceded it (Spiderman and Spiderman Strikes Back) to be released on Blu ray tout suite.

It was at The Odeon that not only did I fall in love with film as a medium but also the sense of occasion involved in going to see a film. There was the excitement of the snacks on offer, the stench of popcorn meaning only one thing. It was also the trailers for the upcoming films and then the Pearl and Dean advertising for products such as Fry’s Turkish Delight, Westlers hotdogs and Red Mountain coffee. Then it was the wonderfully kitsch and camp ads for local businesses in York such as Indian restaurants and local pubs/nightclubs. The glittering world of York’s nightlife! It seemed so sophisticated. Theres a great sample of similar cinema advertising here. And here is a cinema advert shown locally in the 60’s in Plymouth advertising the local nightspots. It has to be seen to be believed! It’s all about the camp bleach blonde bartender. Something tells me he might be a Friend of Dorothy.

But there was also another cinema in York in those days that I also went to. The ABC cinema was right in the city centre on a street called Piccadilly and whilst it didn’t have the history, grandeur or sense of occasion that The Odeon had, I also went there and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

One of my earliest cinema going experiences here involved my father taking me and my two older brothers to go and see the newly released Superman 2 (which I didn’t like as to my 6 year old eyes the film was too violent- how things would change when it came to my tastes in cinema!) and way too loud. But other than those reservations, I had a great time. My Dad then took us to see executed highwayman Dick Turpin’s grave which is nearby. All in all, a great day.

For more on the curious case of the burial of Dick Turpin, click here. It’s just one more story from the blood-soaked history of York.

Another major source for my burgeoning passion in film was, of course, the television. Whilst I couldn’t get in to see the X certificate films at my local cinemas, there were no restrictions to me seeing any of the films shown on TV, whether they were intended for children or not. Hooray for lax parenting!

I remember vividly the first ever screening of Jaws on UK TV. According to the internet this took place on 8th of October 1981 which means that I was 6 years old when I saw it (it was actually certificated A when it was originally released in 1975 meaning that it wasn’t suitable for children under 11. This was changed to a PG years later, but recently was controversially upgraded to 12A as it was felt that PG was too lenient. Which, I suppose, is a testament to the brilliance of the film). This was a HUGE event and garnered mammoth ratings with 23.25 million viewers tuning in, one of the biggest ratings ever for a film shown on TV.

I also remember similarly huge ratings for the first time Superman: The Movie was shown on UK TV. This was also a pivotal event for not just myself but for most of the population.

Thankfully when I was growing up my father didn’t believe the theory that children watching late night movies that might be violent or disturbing in some way could negatively affect a child and so I was allowed to stay up late and watch the likes of Carrie, The Omen and Dirty Harry when they were shown. I realised that most of my school friends didn’t have parents who were this liberal or maybe just didn’t give a shit as I’d say to them ‘Did you see (insert name of some film usually with an X certificate) last night?!’ to be met with blank stares or a slow, jealous shake of the head.

Not everything that influenced me in those days was film based but still fed into my love of cult cinema and all things fucked up. I was and still am an avid reader. Sometimes I sped through books so fast that my father used to take me to the library more than once a day (really!). It was here that I came across a book that was perfect for a young freak with a taste for the macabre.

Usborne’s Guide to the Supernatural World was a compendium made up of three earlier titles (Vampires, Werewolves and Demons, Haunted Houses, Ghosts and Spectres and Mysterious Powers and Strange Forces) and was pretty much a bible for me from that moment on. It’s one of my favourite books and I still dip into it for pleasure and for life-affirmation purposes.

My knowledge of everything supernatural was expanded immeasurably with this tome as my eyes pored over the gaudy illustrations whilst taking in every detail of the text.

Usborne have just reissued another of their titles, The World of the Unknown: Ghosts which was just as influential in the late 70’s (see- there were other young weirdos just like me!). Let’s hope they see fit to reissue Supernatural World too. Copies are selling for a fortune on the internet. We need a reprint and pronto. It would sell just as well as Ghosts.

But there was something a lot closer to home and all too real that provided a macabre backdrop to my earliest years. The county that I grew up in had it’s own serial killer that was at large with his earliest noted murder (but it’s rumoured that he killed earlier and more than has been publicly recorded) being in the year of my birth and not ending until his capture in 1981. Peter William Sutcliffe aka The Yorkshire Ripper murdered women who were out alone at night. One of my earliest memories was of watching the local news programme Calendar which was presented by Richard Whiteley (later the presenter of student and old person favourite Countdown) who was normally a jolly and happy kind of fellow. I knew something was wrong as on this occasion he wasn’t smiling or jolly but had a grave expression on his face as he stood in front of a board that had numerous women’s faces on it. He explained that yet another women had been added to the list of those poor women who found themselves in the wrong place at the wrong time. This victim was Jacqueline Hill, a Leeds student who was walking from where her bus had dropped her to her student lodgings (a matter of a few yards) but instead met her ghoulish fate.

Because of the Ripper life had to be changed massively. There was an unofficial curfew for women and a feeling of omnipresent dread in the air until his capture. When I grew older and started going out as a teenager I’d always accompany female friends home and make sure they were inside and safe until I left. I never thought why I did this until much later- it had been because I has grown up in the era of the Ripper. It’s strange how life comes full circle. I’m now writing this in Chapeltown in my flat. This area of Leeds was a major hunting ground for Sutcliffe. The murder scenes for at least 4 of his victims are within walking distance of here.

This sense of dread was also all around us in other ways in the late 70’s/early 80’s. This was in the form of Public Information Films which were short adverts made by the government which warned the general population of the dangers of any number of potentially lethal activities as varied as mixing different types of tyre on your car, letting your child talk to strangers, putting down a rug on a freshly polished wooden floor…you name it. My favourite was The Spirit of Dark and Lonely Water which was voiced by Donald Pleasance and warned of the dangers of children playing near rivers and lakes and what could happen.

This PIF scared the shit out of me and reminded me of another childhood source of sleepless nights, a paperback of The Lord of the Rings that was knocking around our house resplendent with becloaked soldiers riding nightmarish horses each with glowing red eyes.

I loved the Public Information Films that were specific to Bonfire Night with the dangers of playing with fireworks being another source of trauma for children up and down the country.

Missives from on high of how to prevent catastrophe in your life weren’t just made for the TV screen either. There were plenty of leaflets, posters and literature around at this time that could educate the populace of how to avoid potential disaster.

There was plenty of imagery that I found so attractive as it would appeal to any fan of cult cinema and particularly the horror/slasher genre. The threat of some crime being committed to either you or your property was very real with an unspecified shadowy figure (the best example being depicted in the ‘Watch out! There’s a thief about’ campaign) seen approaching (a great example of this was the two black boots walking on breaking ice in the excellent ‘Neighbourly Nell’ Public Information Film) or running away.

One poster that I used to see on the wall in doctor’s surgeries, chemists and libraries was the design classic of The Pregnant Man.

Another moral panic that I remember vividly from my early childhood concerned the dangers of rabies entering the UK. Cue distressing images of rabid animals attacking children and humans frothing at the mouth due to the disease. And this wasn’t just in print.

And then there was Protect and Survive. This was a campaign regarding what to do if there was a nuclear holocaust. This booklet would be sent to every household if the button had been pushed and certain psychopathic world leaders wanted the ultimate in narcissistic supply. Details on how we were all to hole up in our self-made bomb shelters with only our loved ones and tinned food for company were outlined. There were even details on what to do if someone in your enclosure had passed away and how their body could be disposed of.

And here, for your perverse pleasure, is the full booklet. I’m sure in these times of lockdowns and Coronavirus we can pick up some worthwhile and strangely relevant tips.

The threat of nuclear war was everywhere in the late 70’s and 80’s. To quote those purveyors of style and hair dye Duran Duran from their number 1 single Is There Something I Should Know, ‘You’re about as easy as a nuclear war.’ Just one push of a button and we would be pushed into a dystopic netherworld.

There was even a drama, Threads made about what that post-nuclear holocaust would look like. It wasn’t pretty and remains a powerful, brilliant and extremely difficult to watch masterpiece. I recommend you to find it but proceed with caution.

But back to film. Another rich source of cult film goodness was to be found in our local newspaper, of all places. Film adverts were placed in here by the local cinemas that showed artwork (sometimes different from the posters) that was, in the case of horror and cult films, lurid in nature and again, utterly alluring to me.

As it would happen, other cult movie fans were indulging in the same pleasures with the excellent book Ad Nauseam being released not so long ago- a compendium of newspaper ads advertising the kind of movies I relished seeking out the ads for.

Just as there were newspaper print ads, there were also TV adverts for upcoming and films that were currently playing. Some of these were just as disturbing as the films themselves. I remember seeing a TV spot for The Shining that was possibly the scariest thing I had ever experienced up until that point. On seeing it again, I still feel the same. It’s a terrifying experience.

Whilst all of this quenched my growing passion for cinema and particularly cult cinema, there was an upcoming innovation that would change everything! That was, of course, VIDEO! And such a momentous event deserves a blog entry all of it’s own…

Pamela Voorhees, The Pregnant Man and The Deep Fried Rat: The Pre-Video Years of a Cult Movie Loving Crackpot I often think about my love of cinema, where it began and the influences on it, both film-based and what was going on around me.

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kpop-drabble · 7 years

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SEVENTEEN AS DADS

Vernon - The “Cool” Dad - always attempting to be your friend more than a father figure, attempts to get their child to spill the latest ‘gosp’ - “dad what the hell is gosp” “its teenage lingo for gossip, i keep up with you youngsters” - cue eye rolling - he’s incredibly chill about nearly everything and allows them to do whatevee they want, for the most part. - the only restriction is that it can’t be illegal - and if it is he told them to lie about who their father was. - all their friends are jealous over how ‘cool’ of a dad their have, no matter how many times they tell them how uncool he truly is he has everyone tricked that he’s some super dad

Soonyoung - The Embarrassing Dad - insists on making their kids lunch one time and puts an embarrassing “have a good day love you -Dad” in the bag without warning. - all their friends cooed and haven’t let them live it down since. - he’s the type to make embarrassingly bad dad jokes when talking to others and then looks over at their kid for a reaction - a pitiful thumbs up and embarrassed smile is the best kind of reaction that he’s looking for - constantly trying to talk to their kids friends when they’re over - “why doesn’t that one friend come over anymore?” “because you broke out the baby pictures last time and i would rather not relive your hour ling stories about the past, and neither would she”

Seungkwan - The emotional dad - constantly crying - oh my god their kids have never seen a grown man cry so much in their lives - always reminiscing about their kids past and getting emotional about how big they’ve gotten - at every graduation that the child has lives through theres always friends that make comment about his screaming once you get on stage - every picture you have to commemorate this moment has a very red eyed blotchy faced Seungkwan, their child always looks less than impressed. - it’s nice to have a dad so passionate about their child but sometimes you just need someone that wont cry because you’ve made your first purchase with your own money that you made from your first job

Seokmin - The Scrapbooking Dad - always insisting on taking pictures - it doesnt matter the occasion, it doesn’t matter how relevant any of it is, he wants a picture and he wants it now. - his kids could make those “365 pictures throughout the year” collage videos you find on the internet dating back to their toddler years just from how many pictures Seokmin had taken. - he has a bookcase full of scrapbooks hes made - he takes the time to decorate them, with pretty stickers and dates each picture with a short description of each. - its not just a picture book, its a life story showcasing every little insignificant thing that his kids have accomplished since birth. - “dad, can we please take that picture of me on the potty off?” “no, its the first time you took a shit and i didn’t have to clean a diaper, it’s staying for memory sake”

Seungcheol - Over protective dad - they cab only have a phone because he insists on using the find your friends app when his kids go out just to make sure that if anything happens he could always find their kid and help out - if they’re one minute past curfew expect said phone to be blown up with questions about where they are. - “you were suppose to be home at 10:00 its now 10:02, i checked traffic and it is light so there isnt any excuse” - is protective and inforces his rules but isn’t terribly rude and would never actually punish his kids (he’s too soft, but ultimatey just wants the best for them) - interogates any significant other that their child brings home, and as they protest in embarassment he simply says hes making sure to rule out any one not worthy of their time. - always has their best interests in mind though they may not realize it until they’re much older - probably has a bat near his bed so if needed he could protect them from anything and anyone who trys to hurt their kid

Jeonghan - The Charming Dad - all their kids friends are completely endeared by him - they’ve heard the word DILF to describe him one too many times that its starting to take some effect on their mental wellbeing - he’s able to talk himself out of many things and their kids have had to sit by idly as they watched their dad talk up another worker to attempt to get some sort of discount - probably has pictures of the family around the house solely to show off how attractive all of them are when guest comes over - he’s ultimately very proud of how beautiful his family has come out, and wants the world to know about how absurdly beautiful they are compared to other families. - its not opinion its Fact.

Jihoon - Passive but Encouraging Dad - not very good at showing how much they love their kids but try their very hardest without having to say directly that he loves them - shows he cares by encouraging their dreams and never tries to hold them back from their dreams - he may not be very involved in their kids lifes but when they come to him with something they claim to be passionate about he’s suddenly #1 dad. - he’ll always be the first to encourage them to chase after whatever they want - and even if they drop it after a couple weeks because it wasn’t exactly the right fit Jihoon will accept it and continue to support them through any other projects they wished to pursue. - their kids know that he loves them through those kind of actions.

Mingyu - The Expirmentive Dad - always trying out new recipes for dinner - his kids have started becoming wary after the his few failed attempts and know to prepare something to eat afterwards just incase his experiment doesnt work out in his favour - never follows a reciepe - “dad it said a tea spoon not a cup” “it’s better this way, just trust me.” - it was not better this way. - he tries his very hardest to make good dishes for his family and sometimes they actually turn out decent. - and when they dont, no matter if mingyu himself knows it wasn’t the best, his kids say it was good while only eating a couple bites of it - he’s grateful that they eat the prepared foods somewhere that hes not (sometimes he goes to their room and they share their snacks with him, but thats only when he’s failed terribly and hes gone desperate)

Chan - The Involved dad - Their child is apart of a school club? he’ll be apart of it just as much. - “Do you guys want me to make snacks?” “Dad its not necessary-” “i’ll pack snacks.” - always insists on going to parent teacher night to talk with each of their kids teacher one on one, he doesnt do it because he thinks his kids are miss behaving just solely for the opprotunity to be apart of their kids lifes just that much more - was their kids soccer couch for most of their junior soccer days, but when their kids approached them about joining a different team he unwillingly allowed them to do so to allow them to be happy - he still attenda each game and became the most embarrassing side line dad at the game - “signs are necessary” chan ignores their kids as he pours another large amount of glitter onto the atrocious sign with his kids name and number on it.

Junhui - The Teasing Dad - constantly making jokes about their kid, it mostly happens when they have friends over or when theyre at a family get together - some how always managing to make their child the center of attention at the family dinners, each family member taking turns to tease his kid. - he definitely does not attempt to stop it because he was the one that started it and seeing his kids get all embarrassed is kind of a highlight to being a father. - Is probably always trying to get a hug or affection from their child especially when friends are around just to embarrass them that much more - He doesn’t mind being rejected in front of all their friends when he goes in for a hug, because the embarrassed hiden smile that his kid has when they turn back to apologize to their friend is enough of a reward

Jisoo - The Overly-Loving Father - he’s wanted to be a dad since he was a child and now that he’s able to do so he doesnt waste any opprotunity to remind his kid about how much he loves them - sometimes he shows his love in materialistic manners - he buys they loads of gifts for every special occasion and still insists on making them do an easter chocolate egg hunt well into their teenage years - he gets really creative when it comes to things like this so their child doesnt really mind, the chocolate is always a bonus - is always trying to get family outings to be a thing and his favourite holiday is family day. Definitely family day because he can use it as an excuse to force his kids to spend time with him.

Wonwoo - The helpful dad - the stereotype that dads are suppose to be good at physical labour such as fixing cars and doing sports falls short when it comes to wonwoo - he couldn’t necessarily fix their car if they asked him to but he could help them ace their physics exam - and if they didn’t wish to read a book that was assigned for english, he’s probably already read it front to back more than once and is more than willing to help them out - he’s not too anal about good grades but encourages them to try their hardest - they’ve probably had to sit through a small half hearted lecture about genuinely putting their best into things when Wonwoo feels like their grades are slipping

Minghao - The “I didn’t sign up for this” Dad - never really meant to become a dad but it ??? sort of happened and he enjoys it he just was never ready to become one - therefore he really doesn’t know what to do. - during toddler years he’d make any excuse not to be alone with the baby for too long, too frighten that he’d mess it up so severly that he usually calls over his mom to help out - he’s gotten better over the years but still doesn’t properly know how to dad - tries more to be a friend than a dad - whenever their child is in trouble, lets the other parent do the scolding and then retreats up to their childs bedroom with a bowl of icecream to try and make amends better. -he’s sort of getting the hang of things but their kids highly doubt he ever fully will know what being a parent consists of. - but thats okay, he’s trying his very best.

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mellofellowblog · 4 years

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Looking Backwards to Move Forwards

*WARNING: LONG INTROSPECTIVE LIFE STORY REFLECTIVE POST INCOMING*

As an aside from the daily exercises and actual songwriting that you don’t see here I’ve taken the plunge and started getting songwriting lessons as a kind of third prong to my attack on my writing process. Apart from a couple of songwriting workshops and little insights from my old guitar teacher at school over a decade ago my entire ‘songwriting journey’ has been just doing it, chipping away every now and then and glacially figuring out what works and what doesn’t. So this one on one learning experience is quite new to me and a little scary since it makes things really feel like i’m starting again, like a fully grown 30 year old going back to high school to study algebra or something. Well, i guess it’s probably a lot closer to going back to uni and getting a tutor, but even that gives off a feeling of going backwards to a part of my life that I’ve ‘moved on’ from. It might seem like i’m throwing everything I’ve built out the window and starting again this year with my overhaul, but I think its really more so that I am hyper focussing now on something that always had an air of “...and later I’ll put in the work and hone this properly”. That said I think its important to acknowledge where I’ve come from and give my old self a little bit of props despite the fact that I’m mentally burning all the progress I’ve made down, because really, although I hope this ‘reset’ helps improve my songwriting a lot and fixes areas that I have neglected over the years at the end of the day nothing can really erase the instincts I carry in regards to music that I’ve built up over the years. That and theres still a part of me that rejects the notion of putting myself out there as “starting again” when if I stop to think about it, I have actually put in a lot of work over my life so far. Obviously i still feel that I have a fair ways to go, but I thought it would be fun to look back at my humble beginnings and give a rough timeline of musical events that have got me to where I am today, with a rough focus on songwriting. So basically a TLDR mellofellow life history lesson that nobody asked for but I thought might be fun to do. Welcome to my musical “this is your life”

1998/1999?: My first guitar Not sure if i was 8 or 9, but at around that age on one of our family trips to my grandparents in Mount Gambier (South Austrailia) my dad bought me a 3/4 nylon string acoustic guitar. I remember he got a good deal on it because when removing the price sticker it peeled off a little section of the paint on the bridge next to the saddle. My best friend at the time was getting lessons and I don’t think there was anything really extra that motivated me to get one, but I have distinct memories of the day we bought the instrument home and I had it sat on the bed at my Grandparents place, blindly pulling at the strings to make sound come out of this foreign wooden box. No idea that this was the start of something that would consume my life in years to come.

1999?-2003: First lessons from a one horse town I grew up on a farm near a very small town in rural Victoria called Derinallum and went to the appropriately named local school: Derrinallum College. with about 20 kids per year (that always dwindled towards yr 12 due to most people either changing schools or dropping out to pursue farming) it had a pretty small population of about 90 people, but there was still a music teacher who taught everyone who wanted to learn all the basic instruments they wanted to from flute to trumpet, piano and yes, guitar. I remember having a few different teachers early on as people would come and go, the first one showing me my first G chord and giving me a chart for “knocking on heaven’s door” much to my fathers delight, but soon after my regular teacher had started me basically learning single note flute music with letters written under the dots (something that simultaneously gave me a keen ear for picking up melodies but absolutley ruined any chance at sight reading properly). I remember picking what I considered the hardest tunes to play at the annual performance recitals, the melody from “the entertainer” and the bassline from “the theme from Peter Gun” are pieces that stand out in my mind but my biggest claim to fame from this point in my life was figuring out how to play the melody from “all the small things” by blink 182 all by myself by ear. I felt like I was freaking Mozart not needing to be taught or read something and still being able to play it and that discovery gave me those initial inklings of the potential for what I could do with this wooden box.

2004: New school, new lessons and the Led Zeppelin live dvd So at the ripe age of 13 I had made the big move up in life from Derrinallum to Ballarat Grammar boarding school in Ballarat, Victoria. It was a pretty wild transition from the get go, but musically was initially a little discouraging as at my first guitar lesson (from an amazing human being Laurie) I found out that I had basically needed to start all over again and that the biggest carry over from my entire 4 years of musical pursuits had yielded me the one G chord i still remembered. It was acknowledged that the solo flute lines I had learned were good for training my ears, but really had no real value for the things one would typically learn in a guitar lesson. Laurie had asked me what type of music i enjoyed or would like to start learning and I remember saying that I didn't really had any preference for music, that I liked “anything with a bit of a beat” so I quickly was given my first chord charts in 4 years and it looked like I was going to become a acoustic rhythm type of guy. But then everything changed about halfway through that year when one of my friends got a dvd of a little band called Led Zeppelin... Apparently the year before at the end of year house performance the year 12s had done a rendition of Stairway to Heaven which got my friend to chase up this dvd but oh my god. I have never had such an influential experience as I did watching that live version of stairway. I remember playing that song on repeat for months every morning before class (I’m sure much to my 6 roommates detest) and from there everything about my relationship with my guitar changed. Rather than just putting in a half hours effort before each lesson out of worrying I would disappoint my teacher, I was practicing 3, 4, 5 hours a day for just the fun of it working on my magnum opus of being able to play Stairway to Heaven all the way through. I remember slowly accumulating the entire Zep discography, learning each section of stairway bit by bit until finally being able to nail everything including the solo on my black ashton acoustic. I had made friends with a boy who had a real Gibson electric guitar and remember being dead set on getting a Les Paul of my own, scoping out my dream guitar like Jimmy Page’s on a school field trip to Chapel street in Melbourne and begged my parents for one that Christmas, to which they obliged and I was over the moon.

2005 - 2007: Musical identity and my first songwriting baby steps With a full back catalogue of Led Zeppelin and my Epiphone Les Paul at my side I flourished musically over the next couple of years, cementing my identity as a “long haired guitar guy” mastering improvising blues licks and the discographies of Zep, Hendrix, Pink Floyd, Sabbath, Queen, Cream and anything else that came from that same vein of guitar centric late 60s/early 70s music up to an unhealthy obsession with Van Halen and guitar virtuosos. I ended up getting school colours for music in my year 11 and 12 for the work I was doing in the school jazz band and by the end of my tenure at high school was expanding my musical repertoire to singing and piano because even though my quick pentatonic blues licks were the cornerstone of what I enjoyed playing I still had some shred of understanding that if there wasn’t also a song behind the guitar solos, things quickly became a little too wanky for my liking even at the time. Van Halen seemed the perfect blend of being able to show off when the solo came, but still ultimately still be servicing the bigger picture of a song. I would print off chord charts from entire Pink Floyd and Beatles albums and sit in the practice rooms and sing them front to back at the piano as a bit of a break from my ruthless 5+ hour guitar practice schedule. Near the end of year 11 my beloved guitar teacher was putting on a songwriting workshop where I learnt the basics of songwriting and started putting together my own really embarrassing silly songs. I remember finishing my first one called “Clayman’s Desire” which was an acoustic folk track in the vein of Queen’s “39′” about a little clay person who goes on an adventure to make friends. Even though there was a huge disconnect between the guitar centric virtuosic stuff i was playing I still felt super proud of it. I had high hopes that just like Brian May in Queen I would find a vocalist who would sing over all the riffs and music I was coming up with, but I would still get a song or two on each album that I would sing myself for variety and a way to show an extra notch in my belt not just as a guitarist, but as a guitarist who could also write songs too. Throughout year 12 I kept a little songwriting book where I would write poetry in hopes that i would turn everything into songs. It was all nonsensical wannabe surrealist kinds of stuff inspired by songs like “I am the walrus” by the Beatles, a band that I was gorging on in between my shred guitar escapades. By the end of year 12 in the holidays before starting uni the following year I made my first “album” of basically demo recordings on a CD i called “The Project”. It included some psychy guitar riff instrumentals as well as some very basic songs that were more or less just vessels for me to put little guitar solos into all recorded either DI or with the one microphone I owned (drums too). Still nothing like the shred guitar i was still all about playing, but uniquely me and something I felt that if i kept at it would eventually get to a point where i could write things that sounded closer to the greats I had admired. Even back then I knew everyone had to start somewhere and even though I was proud of the stuff I had made I still rightfully felt that any dreams of making good quality music were far off into the future and that was okay.

2008 - 2009: College After school I basically lived in the music room at college spending any time I wasn't out drinking with friends or cramming before tests playing with anyone who would give me the time and forming a covers band but in terms of original music things had already started to die down so early. I was still coming up with riffs and licks that were inching closer to the sound of things i knew i wanted to make but I kind of fell off the wagon in terms of songwriting throughout the semester, it wasn't until the semester break that I decided I wanted to follow up on my previous writing adventures with a focus on mimicking the styles of early Beatles with a little EP I called “Meatlebania” a cringeworthy attempt to focus on imitating the greats and ending up far from the mark. I remember posting tracks on my facebook page and getting criticised by some of my friends who expected something a lot better given my guitar playing abilities that they knew me for. It was pretty disheartening but to their credit looking back it was some of the absolute cringiest pieces of music i had ever made, let alone released. It had all the awkwardness of an 18 year old falling in love for the first time and not knowing a thing about good songwriting that came off as horrendously bad poetry and I didn't even put much effort into the guitar side off things, thinking that I wanted to bring the music down to the level of the songwriting and slowly move the quality of both of parts up together. A little bit of a profound foresight in concept for the quality of the finished product but again I was hopeful that this was still just the very beginning of my journey with music and that I needed to make these mistakes to move forward even if it was a pretty slow process. every step was going to get me closer to making something I could really be proud of.

2009 - 2010: Open mics and Comedy songwriting After the whirlwind of college came and went I was living in a shared house with some friends I knew from high school. It didn't take long before me and my housemate sussed out a local open mic night and were playing acoustic covers down there every week. It was actually a ‘reunion’ of an original band we started back in boarding school called Alloid (that resulted in some instrumental rock songs that had lyrics I wrote that were very ...not good). We were playing things like Hendrix and Rush acoustically with my housemate on bass and me on guitar/vocals but it wasn't until a few months in that I had a big light bulb moment of bringing a kazoo to do the solos to songs that things really fit into place. We would do things like Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Freebird with kazoo solos that hit all the guitar ones i knew note for note in a kind of over the top silly comedic fashion and with that I had found a new angle for music as a source of entertainment. After a while I started doing the acoustic/kazoo guitar rock thing by myself and phased in some originals that i would introduce with a bit of funny backstory. I remember playing Clayman’s Desire (the first song I had ever wrote) and getting a wonderful reception from the half dozen or so people at the open mic who were very supportive and saw the humour in playing an obviously undercooked song with a bit of charm in the cute awkward stage presence I had started to hone in on. Listening to comedy songwriters like Flight of the Conchords and Tim Minchin I ramped up the writing of quirky songs that i would put together and perform every week before eventually I had my first open mic “hit” with a song I wrote about a man crush I had on the Doctor Who star David Tennant. I would incorporate the shows theme song as the beginning and reprised it as a kazoo solo in the middle 8. It went down well at all the open mic shows I played, which were fast approaching 3 per week. With the disguise of using the fact that songs I was writing were “not serious” I was able to finish a lot of songs and figured out a ton about melody and the fundamentals of writing. I saw this as something I would do to hone my craft and eventually get back to writing “serious music” and apply these skills properly. I was building up a repertoire of comedy songs I would throw in in between over the top ‘kazoostic’ covers of rock songs like Killer Queen and the aforementioned Freebird to a pretty decent reception at the open mics. It was basically a real life meme before I knew memes were a thing. Eventually one of my friends from college was coming to see a fair few of my shows and loved my David Tennant song. She was a drummer with an amazing comedic musical theatre background and I thought I might be a wonderful idea to take our shared love of pop culturey things and start a band together.

2010 - 2012: Blue Turtle Shell With my pop culture sister from another mister at my side we started an original acoustic guitar/djembe “geek rock” band called Blue Turtle Shell, writing and performing silly songs about videogames TV shows and Movies that would incorporate themes from said pop culture topics into the songs as a kind of expansion of my David Tennant song template. It was so much fun being able to write with someone and to put in all the bells and whistles of vocal harmony and jokes in between songs of our open mic set. At the time i was also busking on the side playing all the pop culture and video game theme songs outside the comic book store in Melbourne raking in a pretty decent amount per hour compared to my bar job and one day I managed to get the band a gig at an anime convention from an event organised who enjoyed what I was doing on the street. We put out an EP as a twosome before becoming a trio with a mutual friend on bass and ended up having some pretty good gigs; getting a residency at the newly opened videogame cocktail bar and even “made it to” the finals of what turned out to be a scammy pay-to-play (well, convince all your friends to buy tickets to play) talent show competition in between open mics that we would play semi regularly that always had a good reception. It felt like we were starting to make traction and form some fans but things eventually faded out as I started realising that I was putting myself into a box songwriting wise. It was amazing to be able to write and play music that was uniquely “me” but I felt that I was never going to be able to do “serious music” so eventually when things died down with the band I just sort of stopped and thought of what I needed to do to get things back on that track.

2012 - 2013: Melbournes hardest working bass player So after my foray into the musical comedy world I thought it would be best to just put myself out there and play in some original bands in Melbourne. I put out a couple of ads on a musical craigslist site “Melband” offering my skills as a guitarist. After a week of no interest or replies I figured I’d chuck up an ad as a bass player and instantly had my inbox and phone blow up with requests. Within a week I was playing in 3 bands; one unnamed that was starting from the beginning in the process of writing what I would later know to be Mars Volta inspired porggy psych rock, another Middle Eastern Progressive Frank Zappa inspired band ‘Land of the Blind’ that was basically performing pre written complicated charts that would also have long improvised sections and finally a alternative indie/pop band ‘The Story Model’ where I was writing my own basslines and eventually contributing to songs. Each band held up a pillar of skills that I wanted to perfect as a writer and performer, the psych and prog nature of the unnamed band and Land of the Blind were much closer to where my head was at musically at the time but at the same time I knew I wanted to blend that with more of a pop influence that The Story Model had. Things were pretty hectic schedule wise but eventually after a few months the unnamed band broke up due to some pretty crazy intra-band politics -sadly before we recorded anything or played our first gig, but I still have some phone recorded demos of our jams that I look back on with fond memories- but even juggling two bands with regular gigs was a struggle that I rose to the occasion to. I was learning so much musically from this new life as a bass player, even just from my role in the band. As a bassist I had a world of appreciation opened up for me about groove and song feel, I’d always been a fan of riffs but the relationship between a bass player and a drummer is a sacred bond that is so powerful in conveying the musical ideas of the song. As the foundation of the musical cake I could also take in all the musical ideas of the melodic icing from the vocals or guitar leads, it felt like I was finally piecing everything together that I needed to eventually write my own music that would be closer to the things I wanted to write from the start. On top of all the gigs i was playing I also experienced my first proper studio sessions making demos with both bands as well as my first professionally recorded EP that I provided bass and backing vocals on with The Story Model. Eventually things died down and faded out with The Story Model which luckily coincided not long after I was stretching myself a little too thin anyways picking up work with another band that had contacted me on Melband a good year after I had initially posted my ad and forgotten to take it down. They were an alternative psychy rock band with a little prog influence with a bit of a following from Brisbane. The singer was moving to Melbourne to try and ramp things up musically after they had recorded their first album. To me it sounded like a dream melding of the pop sensibilities of the story model with the hard edge of bands like Rage Against the Machine and even some motifs that harkened back to my beloved Led Zeppelin. It was a band called Greefthief.

2013 - 2017: Greenthief and the beginnings of Mellofellow I juggled Land of the Blind with my new band for a little while but it didn’t take long to see that this was something I was willing to put more effort into since it lined up with so much of what I wanted to do musically, so I quit LotB and became a one band bass player. Things were so musically exciting and intense that there was no other way about it really, Greenthief was rehearsing 2-3 times a week after we found a drummer and had booked a massive 20-something date tour of Australia in support of the debut album they had recorded and were releasing after a month or two of me joining. I bought a Rickenbacker bass and an ampeg 6x10 fridge and set off on my first tour having the time of my life slamming fuzz riffs and writing new material with the band leader. After the tour we would still play a gig or two a week in Melbourne rehearse 2 days a week and usually I would go to the band leaders house for writing sessions once or twice a week on top of that. I loved the bands back catalog but was hungry to get some songs I had helped craft in to the set, I’d be pouring myself into the writing sessions expanding on a lot of my own writing knowledge while picking up a ton about editing down and how to package a hard hitting pop/rock song. While that side of things was amazing it wouldn't dawn on me until much later that while I was perfecting my role in the band writing wise as an editor, I wasn’t actually landing much of the finished product of songs from my actual musical ideas note wise. Structure and direction absolutely, and I knew I was a great soundboard for floating ideas to, but in terms of how many melodies or song sections in the new material that I had actually contributed and stayed in to the final product when it came time to perform the new tracks at gigs there was a bit of a disconnect between the 10s to 100s of hours I had put in to the little bits here and there that were uniquely me. That said I wrote 80% of my own basslines (and interpreted the other 20% in a unique way) and was changing a lot of ideas of the leaders that would have been a bit different had I not been there, but the bulk of the initial ‘heavy lifting’ writing wise was not mine and thats before you take into consideration that I had nothing to do with any lyrics. Luckily there was one track I had demoed that the leader liked enough to add to the set and it actually became the lead single and opening track of the first album I made with them, although I always had a discouraging sense that it was more of a meta move of the leader that he could sense that I was getting a little frustrated that I hadn’t really had much input in major song sections, but this could have just been a projection of my own self doubt (and i was always told that was not the case). Still, on the side of things while we were putting together our first release I was a part of ‘Tremors’ I was upping the ante of writing for myself as a way to demo things to the band but also with the idea that things that didn’t fit would be fair game for me to use for a kind of solo project. When the band’s musical direction moved a little further from my psychedelic rock interests in hope of chasing that holy grail of being played on Triple J, I ended up with a fair batch of psychy demos that wouldn't fit Greenthief that I would listen to each day on my commutes to work and then edit when I got home before rehearsals. Not a lot with lyrics but entire songs with melodies and riffs soley penned by me. Tame Impala had exploded a year or two before and I would see a lot of obvious knock off bands on the bill at Greenthief gigs with the idea of “i could do that” every time there was a washed out riffy set, so i did. I did do that. The plus side of having such an obvious direction helped when it did come to lyrics, keeping things psychy after being around so many psych bands at gigs I knew the basics of what their lyrics are written around subject wise and interspersed that with the influence of the bands I had grown up loving. A friend I had met through Greenthief had a pretty good home studio set up and I eventually took the plunge and recorded my first Mellofellow single with him on the first of January 2017. The weeks before I had hyper focussed on drumming since I knew that was my weak link musically although i had picked up a hell of a lot first and foremost as a bass player listening to the amazing drummers I had worked with. The resulting track “Journey to the Centre of Your Mind” was something I was hugely proud of and finally scratched the itch of being something I had written that was not a joke song but also got pretty damn close to what I was wanting to do musically in terms of my goals all those moons ago to have something that was on the level of quality that I wanted but could never achieve when I was starting out. Really that goal had already been filled earlier with the recordings I had done with Greenthief, but this time it was also my 100% my own writing. All my friends that I had made playing in bands as well as some that weren’t seemed to like my track and although I didn’t really have the means to push it to many people who weren’t in my immediate circle, that was ultimately the goal. My musical peers’ respect was all I could have wanted from a track that was solely my own and I could have so easily not done something like that with how hectic my schedule was at the time. It was at that point that I had to make the decision that I knew was going to be the final nail in the coffin for Greenthief when I went back to uni to get out of the dead end job that I had in retail. As a band we still played a lot, we had a 10 week residency at one of the most known rock venues in Melbourne, kept touring with releases and put out two albums in my tenure but the last of which I was a bit more checked out contributing a little less than I had on Tremors due to the lack of time I had juggling work, uni and the band. Though at the time I wasn’t too discouraged and was a little annoyed that I could put in so many less hours to writing sessions and still end up with nearly the same amount of contribution to the record musically as I had on the last record -though this was partly because there were some tracks on Tremors that were fully completed before I had joined on- I didn’t have any stand out songs that had started from my demos but there were a few that had main riffs that were my own and I think things just flowed a lot easier letting the band leader take more of the reigns and since we had been together for a few years things naturally came together with input from everyone more quickly than they had on the last record. Unfortunately I had to move to Mildura for placement as part of my degree and had technically played my last gig with the band before the release of that album ‘Mirror Lies’ but in the couple of weeks between finishing the sessions for that album and uprooting myself from the city I booked another session with my friend and followed up Mellofellow’s single recording my first release (technically too long for an EP but a pretty short album). Without being in Melbourne/with Greenthief a few less people got to hear the record than would have heard the single but it was still such a creatively fulfilling thing to be able to put out more of my music. It was a high that would keep me going through my year away from the city. To top things off I even had an made a record from start to finish over a weekend with a mate who had his own solo project Steve Tyssen (actually one of Greenthief’s previous drummers from before I had joined the band) who I had been playing with on the side over the last couple of years whenever he had a new album to release -the dude has made like 7 albums to date now its insane- but apart from that everything musically died down when I had moved out of the city. Still not a bad way to finish it all out, 2017 saw me drop 3 records in the one year! Oh yeah, and in December 2017 I put together a line up for Mellofellow in order to have a proper release gig for the record at a festival held by a friend of mine that was another amazing experience but ultimately the only time I have ever performed any of my tracks with a band.

2018-2019: Slowing down and songwriting revelations So after my whirlwind musical year of 2017 everything got a bit quieter. When I got back to Melbourne I was still playing in Steve’s solo project on keyboards and had slowly been working on tracks for a follow up to the first Mellofellow record, but Greenthief had disbanded while I was away after they released Mirror Lies with a hired gun bass player. I suppose things needed to die down though since the last semester of my course needed to be pretty much my sole focus. I actually started playing open mics again when I got the time, doing acoustic versions of Mellofellow tracks but I’ll admit that it more so confirmed my suspicions about the holes in my songwriting ability. It might have been from seeing Steve’s solo tracks work so well in an acoustic context, but there was an obvious drop in quality in the stuff I had written that was taken out when you removed the drums and guitar solos. While a couple of tracks worked alright stripped back, the majority of them failed to have the same punch without the groove of a full band rhythm section and with the focus being placed more on the lyrics I felt awkwardly naked and could see that at the end of the day my songwriting fundamentals left a lot to be desired particularly on the lyrical front. So I started trying to write songs primarily acoustic first with the goal of performing them at things like open mics and maybe even booking acoustic gigs with the knowledge that the songs could easily be expanded into full band tracks when it came to recording. This turned into more of a transitional period than I had hoped, partially not helped by the fact that after graduation I had to move back to rural Victoria for the first job I got out of uni in my chosen profession, which is an amazing but time demanding gig.

So I’ve got another 10 or so Mellofellow tracks in the chamber ready to record from the last couple of years that I’m heading in to the studio with next month but I don’t feel like I totally stuck the landing with the transition I was hoping to make, there are still a couple of tracks that wouldn't really work acoustically and if anything my realisation of my room for improvement lyrically has lead me to second guess a lot of the lyrical choices on these tracks to the point that I just want to finish them acknowledging their flaws and move on to the next record that I will make now that I am undertaking this whole process of honing my songwriting craft. That said there are some tracks I’m getting ready to record that I’m most proud of as a songwriter, songs that I hope are a sign of things to come. Either way I am excited to clear out my bottom drawer of songwriting to see what lies ahead. I’ve already made some big changes to the ways I write and I know things are going to get better.

#long post #songwriting #musical journey #started at the bottom #getting better #looking back #if you made it this far well done

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s3venpounds · 5 years

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1-64. 65 What is the worst thing you have ever done to a friend?

65 questionsssssssssss yeeeeeeeeee boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii letsss fucking goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo thanks for the ask btw! also sorry for late reply

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

honestly sometimes, the whole “ life is a simulation” got me kinda scared ya never know

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

1. because im not afraid of the dark im afraid of what can be in it that im not aware of

3. The person you would never want to meet?

idk. cuz if i say someone i hate then i can’t physically meet them to punch them

4. What is your favorite word?

love

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

idk whichever lives for millions of years i wanna be like those giant ass trees that you see in animes that are like whole cities wide

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

should i finally cut my hair? or do i perservere

7. What shirt are you wearing?

my ed sheeran concert shirt

8. What do you label yourself as?

someone with the capacity of good but chooses to be an asshole

9. Bright room or dark room?

bright room

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

seeing if my new friends were playing games so i can join

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

12. Who told you they loved you last?

off the top of my head? my mom pretty sure.

13. Your worst enemy?

myself, my fears, hesitation and past mistakes?

14. What is your current desktop picture?

its a picture of hinata shoyo from Haikyuu!! doing a spike with wings on his back!

15. Do you like someone?

yes.

16. The last song you listened to?

Jacob Lee Slip

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

trump

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

trump. and i want like brass knuckles when i punch.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

probably a volleyball coach/ trainer or a professional volleyball player to just drill basics into me and make me a better player. (that or just gal gadot to like help me clean up my life and give me life advice)

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

i guess my energy? its a fucking mess though cuz sometimes i get tired after like 4 minutes of activity but then sometimes i get like a second wind and i just go for hours

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

i mean there was that snapchat trend of every guy making a female version of themselves so i guess theres that. i would definitely try anything i could. periods, cramps, catcalls, masturbating anything i could so i truly understand what women have to go through every day of their lives

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

im a very open person so most of my obscure talents are known but i am kinda proud of how i can name pokemon by just hearing their cries limited to like the first 3 generations tho lmao

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

what happens after we die

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

i wanna make the most bougie sandwich in the world. I want abelone, puffin, black truffle, caviar, just all that super high end shit

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

save it. im going on a trip somewhere out of the city and i could use the extra pocket money

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

venice italy. no question.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

oh shit booze! i love me some booze! i guess it would have to be like smirnoff kissed caramel vodka, or this one whiskey i saw a video of irish people drinking american whiskeys

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

dont be a fucking dickhead idk. i can’t make concrete rules cuz theres loopholes

29. What is your favorite expletive?

definitely fuck just because i say it more than actual normal words

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

haha “loved ones” lmao. oh uhhh my letters from D.O when we were kids. that or my journal

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

my dads abuse. oh wait no then thats free forgiveness for him lmao no uhhh one of my past relationships. it was a mess and i still struggle a little with it

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

Venice italy. that or greece or rome idk. i really like their aesthetic with small white houses, small walkways and all that

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

Steve irwin or Robin williams. or just to make a couple people near me happy, Kyle Fundytus

34. What was your last dream about?

uhhh I kissed the person I’m currently interested in. not just a normal dream too I felt everything. it was crazy. Felt, their hands, warmth, lips, body against mine and even their skin it was just magical.

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

boyfriend? honestly? idk. i’d like to think that i am but from what I know apparently im not

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

yes and no? i guess? i had one of those shots you give to enfants when their family is moving to a new country and i still have the scar so possibly? i mean technically any baby born in a hospital has been admitted to one lmao

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

YES AND SOME OLDER KIDS BROKE IT DOWN AND USED IT AS A BENCH . I fought them and got sent tot he principals office

38. What is the color of your socks?

im not wearing any.... but i do have a favourite pair of green ones that have a print of pringles sour cream n onion on it!

39. What type of music do you like?

Jazz, big band, kpop, RNB, rap, rock, swing music, electro...? sort of?

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

i can’t choose, I love both and have fond memories of both

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

Vanilaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa maybe some caramel in it

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

uhh i dont know much about football but i can say i would support my local team edmonton eskimos

43. Do you have any scars?

a ton! i love em! its like the sentimental stuff i keep in my closet but on my body and i always trace my finger over them whenever im just in the mood to reminisce

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

im not currently taking the courses i need to get my dream job but i’d love to be a power ranger either the stunt double or the cheesy actor. that or a school councilor

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

how dependant i am on others. i hate it. if i was alone i dont think i’d survive. i need other people

46. Are you reliable?

I like to think that i am though again, you’d have to ask my friends

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

Did you find her?

48. Do you hold grudges?

hell.yes. if you couldnt tell i reallllllllllly hate my dad. like really.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

whatever animals it takes to make dragons a thing again

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

I would have to say when this random stranger came up to me to complain about the transit system because the one in vancouver was so much better apparently. dude went on a 20 minute rant and i just drowned him out with music and pretended to “pause” my music while nodding like i understood

51. Are you a good liar?

not sure. I think i am considering my parents dont know half the shit i did AHEHEHEHE

52. How long could you go without talking?

couple days. long as i got my music.

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

god there was this one christmas where my parents gave me like a stereotypical suburban kid hair cut where the whole head is like flattened with hair gel the at the forehead its just a tall wall of spiked hair. BUT HERES THE KICKER. they dyed half the wall red and half green for christmas. god it was awful

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

does cheesecake cupcakes count?

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

ive been told i can do a good russian one, chinese too

56. What do you like on your toast?

nutella omg. fresh toast with gooey nutella? god its so good

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

uhmmm some secret stuff for a friends personal project

58. What would be you dream car?

Dodge Viper

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

I love singing in the shower when no ones home. I can only sing when no ones home cuz the walls in this house are thin AS FUCK.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

i believe we’re not the only ones out here but due to how we’re literally killing our own kind and planet for no good reason they choose to ignore us

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

yep! all the time! whenever i get my hands on the local paper i read my horoscope while i wait on the train or if theres a horoscope thing on tumblr!

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

X idk x is just cool

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

dragons are you kidding me? dragons are dinosaurs that can fly. AND BREATHE FIRE

64. What do you think about babies?

I dont think im a good father figure but spending time with kids is a pretty okay time for me long as its not long term lmao

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

What is the worst thing you have ever done to a friend?

I punched them full force in the stomach for calling me emo. it was a bad day but lo and behold that person became my best friend loooooooooooool

#ask me shit #this was fun #do some moreeeeeeeee

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caitie-lou98 · 6 years

Text

Wedding Planning - Week Thirteen

Sunday, 18th March, 104 Days till ‘I Do’

Hello Everyone! Firstly, I should really apologise for the inconsistency with these blogs as of the last few months, I didn’t realise how on top of this whole planning a wedding thing I actually am and so that has resulted in a lot of weeks of nothing really being done, or nothing that I can write a substantial blog about anyway! So sozzzzzzzzz. I am so so bad at this “weekly” thing, technically this is week 22 of wedding planning, if you are counting from when I started this blog, but if you are counting from when we got engaged, it has been 29 weeks. Counting that has made me realise just how far we have come and how fast the weeks are flying by!

The fact we are literally three months and one week away from being married, 15 weeks from today we will be married and hopefully I will be writing a blog from our beautiful honeymoon cottage in Cornwall, all about the wedding and sharing some photos of the day. That is both exciting and absolutely terrifying all at the same time. There is so much to do, but I have been hesitant to start, not sure if I am nervous or just unsure as to where I should start. On the plus side, all the stuff that is left to do is the fun stuff, oh and of course paying for things.

So I think, from now on I am going to make my blogs a little less structured, as in I won't commit to once a week... because there really isn't a lot to blog about each week... but leaving it a month I feel like I have a fair bit to say. Theres obviously a few things I want to leave as surprises for the big day, like the dresses, suits, jewellery etc.. which can make it difficult to have things to write about. I will say this though, suits have been chosen, my dress is almost finished and the bridesmaids are about to be started.

This week has been the best week we have had in a while, and I am feeling super excited about the big day. This week, we both had our appointments with the councils to give notice of our plans to marry. Then we had a lovely long weekend together. We were meant to be going to a concert on Thursday evening, but unfortunately it got cancelled. We had both already been to the meeting, so needed something to do. Ended up in the Cherry Laurel, which is a pub in Bridgend with the entire menu being 241 - perfect for when saving for a wedding! We ended up having a lovely evening and it didn’t cost us a bomb, would highly recommend if you're in the Bridgend area.

Then on Friday we both had the day off of work, and I thought that I had arranged with the venue manager to go down and look around, work some stuff out regarding tables etc... except I had booked it in for Saturday! Luckily, the lady who manages the community centre is super friendly, and she gave us the keys and let us go down on our own to look around and do whatever we needed to do. When mum originally mentioned maybe needing to go down there to work out some logistical things, I thought pfft we don’t need to do that, this will be a waste of time. HAH was I wrong. We got down there, and the first thing to do was measure the lengths of the paths, the paths of course were not straight... luckily Kurtis has massive feet, and they are exactly twelve inches long.. so he walked the path and counted his steps. Lets just say, he looked ridiculous and had to do it multiple times because he kept losing count. Unfortunately I can't work out how to add videos to this blog, but if you're looking at this from a Facebook or instagram link you’ll see the video!

It was really fun to actually look and plan out what we want to do with the venue and visualise it all coming together, especially since the decorations we have been ordering have started arriving. Once we were inside, there was a lot of counting plug sockets, to be able to ensure there is enough space and sockets for the food prep on the day. Then we needed to work out how many tables they have available, how many chairs, and if we will need to hire them. We are going to have to hire tables, but might get away with not needing to hire chairs. If anyone has 8 fancy looking chairs, and fancies lending them to me for a day... please let me know! Thanks.

So it dawned on me, whilst we were discussing chairs and tables etc... that I didn’t know if the number of tables we need would fit in the room... so Kurtis to help out... did this ... (see insta/facebook videos mentioned earlier). Honestly it was so much fun working out where things would go, and how they would fit in etc... Table hire is surprisingly inexpensive, which I am certainly not complaining about.

All our invites have been handed out now, with the exception of one invite for Georgia, but she is a bridesmaid and so I am pretty sure she can make it. We have had so many RSVPS back already, but we have asked for them back by April 30th... after talking to a few people I feel I may have allowed maybe a little too much time to RSVP... but hopefully it will all be fine and 2 months will be enough time to sort the stuff that is dependant on who's coming. Our invites are absolutely beautiful and I couldn't be happier with them, we didn’t originally order enough, but the company were super understanding and sent us the extra 10 we needed within a week of Kurtis emailing them and paying for the extras. Would highly recommend them for all your invite needs, www.treeofhearts.co.uk is the website, super affordable and high quality.

We also finally got around to ordering me some shoes for the big day, and the hair accessories for myself and my bridesmaids. I was so pleasantly surprised that ASOS has a fantastic bridal range, I will update ya on the quality when they arrive. I decided that the three adult bridesmaids would have matching, then Lacey and Ellie would have something different to the adults but the same as each other. Then for Isabella something entirely different because she will only be a year old by the time we get married, so she needed something age appropriate. But those have now all been ordered, and mum is contacting the company for my petticoat tomorrow. I must say the petticoat is quite a daunting thing, because when I went to try wedding dresses on I really didn’t enjoy wearing the petticoats at all... So mum has said I'll just have to trust her that it will be fine and the dress will feel better with it on.

This weekend we finally got around to taking our “bottom drawer” up to the loft for storage, as requested by mum so she can start adding more stuff to it again... Didn’t realise quite how much stuff we had until trying to get it into the loft, it took a while and a lot of manoeuvring through the very small hole that is the entrance for our loft. However whilst we were up there we had a little look through a load of the boxes my mum has up there... we found so many things from when I was a kid and I got very nostalgic and suddenly broody wanting a child to pass all this onto. My mum loves keeping hold of things in the hopes she can pass them onto me for my kids, so if I end up with a little girl I probably won't need to buy her any clothes until she's like 6 years old. I also found some photo albums from family trips, Kurtis enjoyed those because I was bald as a baby till I was at least 2 so of course he laughed at that.

We also found mums wedding box, which had her album dress and veil in it. Her dress was absolutely beautiful... if you like a four layer dress with pink bows and frills. In all seriousness her dress was handmade by her, and looked stunning on the day. It was weird seeing it in person, because of course I had seen photographs and mum had described it to me but it looked so much more intricate when I saw it in real life. Also, mum tried putting it on, 26 years later and realised how tiny she was on her wedding day! I decided, upon finding mums veil (which still had confetti in it from her big day) that provided mum didn’t mind me using it, and adding some sparkle I would use it for my wedding too. She agreed and now I am super excited, I have my something old and borrowed. It is a beautiful two tier veil, but that is all I will say. Its weird because there are people coming to my wedding who would have attended mums wedding, though I doubt they will remember what her veil looked like.

So yeah, thats everything thats been happening in the last month. I know this blog seems to be mostly about this weekend alone but this is just when a few things that have been being planned have come together. Next on the planning list is sorting out the surprises for the bridal party, and finding my perfume for the day. I've decided that I want to have a brand new perfume for the wedding. This was after watching a few makeup tutorials for wedding makeup, and in each and every one of them they said about having a special perfume so that after the big day, the scent will always take you back. And I love those kind of memories, tastes, sounds and smells that take you back to a special place really make me happy. If anyone has any recommendations for a nice perfume, which isn't going to break the bank please let me know. I want something light and floral I think.

This blog has taken me so long to write, literally been doing it since 6pm. Ever so sorry for how long of a read, but if you made it this far I admire your commitment and willingness to read through my babbling. Hopefully it won't be another month before I write again, writing this reminded me why I started this, I looooove writing and spending time with my own thoughts.

I’ll insert a couple of pictures now from the past few weeks... we have been going out a lot and it has been a lot of fun. In order we have, waiting for a Chinese (standard), then out with work the other week, then Kurtis on our anniversary meal, and finally a photo of my ring just in case you've forgotten what it looks like.

Thank you again for reading, with love always from the future Mrs C L Bryan.

xox

#wedding #wedding planning #bride #planning #diy

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sunflowerstationary · 7 years

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This post is… kind of long

Tip: when typing on tumblr app, since it inconvenient to save as you go, occasionally select and copy everything so it’s saved on the clipboard

I can’t say much about the driving test because its been forever, but my instructor wasn’t like, unfriendly. I asked him about his job and he talked about how in his experience doing the test, all of the accidents have happened because of people who already had their licenses. And really, theres no shame in failing your first test. The instructor i had failed several people from the School of Driving or something. Its not a consistent test, I don’t think.

I’m really glad you get to live with Scappy again, I’m sure he’s super pleased to see you all the time again. i hate being away from my babies so much. They have each other, but no one pays enough attention to them I just don’t enjoy being home most of the time. Honestly, the biggest problem is that theres no where comfortable to sit. Like, the kitchen table doesn’t have chair backs, the couches are uncomfortable and impossible to cuddle on, and the floor is, well, the floor. Plus you never know who’s going to be home and when.

I would totally love to learn some russian. I wish I had the time to really commit myself to learning another language. I’m currently just trying to teach myself to use home row using keybr. I have yet to get all the way through because q keeps fucking me up. Also my nails make it kind of hard to like, really keep my fingers on the home row because if i do that I can’t really hit the bottom row of keys.

I occasionally text Collin, but they aren’t very good for answering. I don’t think there ever was any sort of resolution between us and think we agreed to keep it that way. I don’t think about them very much but I do miss them. I wish i could keep track of them better and support them somehow, they really meant a lot to me.

As a kind of side note, I occasionally talk to Rayzel. I like her, though its awkward sometimes because she doesn’t really carry on a conversation well. She rarely messages me first and that makes it really hard for me but she’s uber supportive all the time and its nice. She’s kind of been a nice neutral party when i don’t know who to talk to about a something.

Things are kind of better for me, though it feels fake and definitely would still rather be dead most of the time. Like I’m not sad as often but I also tend to default to sleep or alcohol before it gets really bad. So thats probably not the most healthy coping mechanisms but. idk things are good right now but i’m also pretty sure its because my school workload is very light and I’m barely working. I haven’t done any work for athena in twoish weeks and I’m only working 11ish hours for bk so I’m all hell will break loose for me when school gets tough and I get more hours.

The babies are good, Sandstorms face is getting bad again, and Lucky probably needs another bath. Sandstorms taken up peeing in the dining room again. Mom put the litter box in there for a while and obviously it helped, but mom couldn’t deal with the smell so she slowly moved it closed to the door for downstairs. and by slowly I mean not very slowly at all. It don’t think it really helped because I caught sandstorm peeing in there one morning when I was getting her shot ready.

Me and Kevin are good. Since I isolated the hell out of myself so he would be comfortable, there really isn’t any other tensions. I do really regret isolating myself so hard. I still wonder sometimes if I’m making the right decision here- am I going to look back in twenty years and wish I had put my foot down while I was still young and we had only been together a few years? I’m so clearly poly, and I’m going to keep falling in love with my friends for the rest of my life. Thats just how I am. I really don’t know what to do about it. I can’t imagine life without Kevin. I can’t even remember to put a bra on or brush my teeth, he more or less holds my life together since I just cannot.

The party thing was good. I got so drunk. I regret that. But it was fun and I really like Chris so. One of kelvins other friends, Tyler, who I like as well, showed up super high and now I am uncomfortable. Like, i knew he smoked but idk. I think I still need to get over that. I probably just need to get high once or twice and like. Not die or whatever. idk. But I totally forgot Chris’s comment and I’m TOTALLY going to ask the next time were alone. I’ll have to ask Kevin about the comment again to refresh my memory.

I haven’t tried the wine yet, it’s at my house and I plan on opening it whenever I need it there since its more socially acceptable than shots.

Athena hasn’t been great tbh. It did wonders for my self-esteem while I was there. More from feeling like I was important than actual work. But now that I’m gone, no one talks to me at all and it kind of. feels like its invalidating everything that happened while I was there. Idk. I got fairly close with a girl named Aubrie but she has barely talked to me at all since I left. No one is willing to hold conversations with me, and I wasn’t really around long enough and I didn’t talk enough to be able to ask people about their lives. Plus, they’re all very much in different parts of life than me, so it wouldn’t be good conversation anyway. Being a good listener is less useful when its not in persna and they have to type up everything. Its more effort for less reward. So no, i’m not getting much work and no I don’t really keep up with anyone. I should though. Physical letters would be a good idea. I wish I was a bit more creative, I could like, send pictures and trinkets and such. Idk. I should def do it.

I have so much I’ve wanted to talk to you about, but I can’t even remember most of it. I’m not sure If I told you, but the only queer on the team recommended the artist Kate Bush to me. They said that she was a very important part of her life and they have a tattoo relating to one of her songs so I was like ‘I’ll totally give her a try’. I’ve only really listened to her album Hounds of Love, but her other famous songs are Withering Heights and Babooshka. She’s very whimsical, and I have no idea if you’ll like her but, you know. I listened to a documentary on her while I was working and it was super interesting so I’m convinced.

NOTE: we should probably tag these so we can find them. You’re better at coming up with tags, so its your job :P

Schools been okay, Team Projects been kind of yucky because its all the people I’m trying to avoid, but the teacher is A++, very dad. So hopefully it should be okay. The problem is we had to ‘expose’ ourselves to help us work in teams better and I both did not want to share at all and also very much wanted to overshare. But Jordan, a girl who I took bookbinding with and I’m friends with, is in the class so that helps. Diversity in the Deaf Community is cool, the teacher is super great. He’s deaf, which makes it hard for me to talk to him but he’s so AWARE. Our first real lecture talked about how everything is a social construct. I never hear teachers talking about that. the final project is going to be a big deal though and I’m worried its going to overwhelm me, because I’ve got big final projects in every class.

ASL 3 is fine, I feel behind but it hasn’t gotten bad yet. Its got a paper that requires I interview a deaf person which. should be interesting. I really am shit at reading sign sometimes. Topics in Media Arts, Sciences will probably be really helpful in the long run but will probably be hell. The teacher is Russian, I believe, and her english isn’t always very good. The way she talks is incredibly frustrating for me- she’s just like my mom, she stops halfway through sentences. And she’s not always clear and we have to do like, real experiments. Were going to have eye tracking and finger thingys and its gonna be a lot.

And then Abnormal psych, the only class I’m actually excited to go to, which is from 5:30 to 6:50 which is. so yucky. But the teacher is super great and also super aware. she talks about how we need to break down the stigma around mental illness. Her specialty is working with Bipolar kids. She’s very energetic but i think she’s probably in her forties? I actually have no idea but i’m accounting for my shitty sense of peoples age. Her face is actually very skull-like if you look at it close enough. Her eyes are kind of sunken and her nose is kind of big. I keep like, unconsciously diagnosing her. I think she probably has body image issues. She’s incredible, incredibly skinny. She wearing really tight tops but always has really really baggy pants. Idk, its not really my place though.

Mom hasn’t bitched as much about Ed lately, but I’m not sure if it’s because it’s getting better or because she’s getting used to it. I’m getting used to it for sure. I talked to him about making the cat tree. He said it would take a couple hours at most, and would be considerably cheaper than 300 dollars. He can get carpet for free, and wood and brackets aren’t that expensive. I guess before I okay it with him, look online, the the prices were much much cheaper (though I don’t know about shipping) but if me and Ed do it, you can make it look however you want. I think that would be kind of cool. I’ll try to remember to bug you about this if you don’t text me about it.

Victoria broke up with TJ, and he was anorexic for a time and dropped a bunch of weight. He says now he’s back to about his old weight now, with the binging and the muscle gain. He also recently started dating a tiny red head names Cameron. I don’t know much about her other than she’s a singer and not much of a dancer (Which is approximately the opposite of Victoria).

Dad has more or less stayed out of my life.

Me and Kevin got into Bondage, and it’s very much an experience I want to share with you. But I don’t know how comfortable you’d be so I figured I’d ask before I got into it. I also found out i’m into wax play and we’ve both struggled with the whole thing where were both subs and its hard.

Speaking of hard, I just wanted to make it clear in case it wasn’t, I’m not particularly comfortable being in Steve’s presence. I’m not sure what to do about it- I feel guilty for not liking him, especially because I wasn’t sure if it was because of who he is or because I’m jealous but now i’m especially wary of him after the thing on my birthday. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to really like him after all of the things he’s said about me that were negative. I admit, he is kind part of the reason I don’t really come over anymore (though our conflicting work schedules really really don’t help). So. Idk. I don’t particularly want to talk to him about it but I’m willing to if you want me to.

I think I had more to say, but theres already so much so! I love you very very much and I don’t even have words to explain how relieved I am that things are looking up for you. You deserve the whole word, just for being you. It’s probably more my fault for the lack of communication, especially as the one with more spoons in general.

Thank you for everything

EDIT: Send me the link to the Boot! Also, you should be proud, I’ve been listening to P!ATD for the past two weeks straight. so.

#you are the reason that i'm smiling when there is nothing to smile about

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