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#there wasnt a big drama or fight or anything. we just grew apart after we went to different colleges. it happens
punk-rock-uncle · 3 years
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A final good bye and final log out
This is not a suicide not so no need to worry. Many of you that follow me probably barely remember my blog, it wasnt very big or fancy. I barely know how to code or make my blog look like anything but, that is neither here nor now. I wanted to say good bye I have a bad habit of leaving without saying anything and disappearing for weeks at a time. I guess abusive relationships will teach you that. I went silent on this blog around 3 years ago when I started college. But I wanted to talk about why I started this, the ending will be saved most obviously till the end. I started this blog in a way to find friends, in 2012 internet friends were all the rage and I wanted to be a part of that so I started a tumblr. But was not active on it till 2014. In high school I grew a bit of a following around sophomore year 2015. I would constantly rant on this account and people would watch but not say much. It bothered me a bit that I was never “Tumblr Famous” but I knew people who were, so I would live on through them. Tumblr a lot in high school, I was too afraid to do anything but I knew in the back of my mind that I would get there in my own time. Tumblr, in that sense was kind to me and never made me feel like I had to be pressured to do anything and would constantly educate me from maters of social justice and the Black Lives Matter movement, sex education, gender expression, sexuality, art and astrology. I saw all the drama and surprisingly enough stayed away from the super toxic side of tumblr pushing minors to do more and more and more.  It was safety net and whenever my parents would do what they do best I always had the arms of my blog to run and cry to. It made the darkest days a little brighter, people reblogging free movie sites and calming gifs were my saving grace when I was 14 and suicidal. As high school went on I found myself in a relationship and put all my time, money, effort, energy, my whole being into this one person who would end raping me an using my past against me. I was still active and would talk about him on here including our fights. But as the fights got more violent and heated, the less I would post about him and one day all together I stopped posting on here, for what I thought was for good. I wanted to reach out on tumblr and ask “is any of this normal?” “why do we fight so much?” “is it normal for your partner to make you feel this afraid?” “is it normal for them to talk about sex 24/7″ “is it normal to feel afraid and cry during sex?” I wanted to reach out so badly. I knew I couldn’t and it was a stupid reason why I couldn’t. I was afraid of the judgment, because no one here talks about the small intricacies of domestic violence and how it breaks down every part of you. So I went quiet, I stopped talking about him, stopped posting him and he never care. I was put on meds after he raped me, stopped sleeping and eating. After the meds failed to stop the development of PTSD I started smoking and drinking heavily. After all of that I stopped being on tumblr because things were not the same and stuff that made me happy before just stopped bringing me joy. I thought no one here would care about what I have to say and his words and actions confirmed that even more. Eventually I broke it off 8 months later and my friends never believed me that he was abusing me. Life is better now, I lived abroad, I have an apartment with a new boyfriend, hes nice we have our ups and downs but we came from a hard life so someone loving you is a hard thought to accept for both of us. We both have toxic cycles we need to break but he’s good and he’s teaching me to be kind. I would love to continue on this hellsite but I have other things now, bigger and better things. I am just simply a ghost now of a website where I used to poor out all of my traumas and for one last time I will do that. For any 16 year old who stumbles across this post please read through till the end (if you can) because I want to tell you things I wish someone told me at 16/ entered my first relationship.
Your bf, gf and/or partner should never do/say these things and other small warning signs of DV 
1. if sex hurts a lot for you it is because you are not comfortable, communicate this and if they refuse to understand why leave 
2. If your partner scares you so much to the point where you have a panic attack thinking about them, then leave 
3. you will fall out of love in your first relationship, as shitty as it is, it’ll happen. It’s okay, you can leave. Just like you out grow clothes you will outgrow people. 
4. let people leave, I know this is hard to accept but people will leave and the universe will have something in store for you 
5. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE HAVING SEX AT 16 IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO I LOST MY VIRGINITY AT 19 IT IS NORMAL!
6. it is normal for you and your partner to have conversations about what to say when people constantly ask you if yall have done the deed it is not normal for your partner to tell you to lie and say you have (when you havent); leave if they do this trust me 
7.If your partner is asking about sex 24/7 and its making you uncomfortable then say something, maybe they don’t mean any harm by it! but if once you’re done with the convo and it didn’t make you feel better you should leave 
8. its okay to leave 1st relationships aren’t meant to last 
9.something my mom said that made me feel better: just because you’re breaking up now doesn’t mean you’re breaking up forever 
10. please don’t force yourself to have sex it’s a very toxic cycle. Easy to get into but hard to break out of 
11. you can be alone, you don’t have to date all the time
12. if your partner's parent is bullying you tell your partner that it makes you uncomfortable talk to them about it. Now I understand parents are hard especially when your 16 and younger (hell parents @ 21 are still tough to deal with) and if your partner says “well I can’t tell them off because of xyz” then make a compromise on how to deal with the situation. If your 1st partner’s parents don’t like you it’s not the end of the world and if bugs you that much YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE 
13. on the other hand if you tell your partner, they don’t take it seriously and they still beg you to visit their family then leave, you’re not married you’re young I will probably say this a thousand more times BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE 
14. YOU CAN ALWAYS LEAVE, YES IT WILL SUCK, YES YOU’LL CRY AT EVERYTHING BUT IT IS OKAY NOTHING IS PERMANENT AND THAT IS A GOOD THING 
15. do not waste your first relationship on couples counseling ( yes I did that and he still owes me $250 for the session I was dumb & 17 don’t get mad @ me) 
16. if your relationship makes you extremely angry leave, that anger means something, listen to it. 
17. if you are like me and was raised in a very abusive household with parents that constantly abuse you just know that not every relationship is like that and you won’t be like them but, you have to actively work on it not just say it out loud (BUT it does help saying it out loud, v comforting) 
18. if you break up, stay broken up (sometimes it works out for the better if they really want you they’ll try) 
19. NEVER LET YOUR PARTNER’S MOM DICTATE WHERE YOU GO TO COLLEGE TRUST ME YOU WILL REGRET IT 
20. if you are begging for the basics leave 
21. if they ignore your food allergy leave 
22. if they’re a mama’s boy please leave 
23. if they ignore your fears leave 
24. if they think violence is casual and necessary for relationships leave 
25. listen to their ex’s even if you take it with a grain of salt please listen 
26. if you need to come up with an escape plan you’re in a toxic and possibly abusive relationship 
27. it’s okay if you don’t have the courage to leave right now but know, you can’t stay forever 
28. if they use past trauma against you, leave. 
also a word of advice for friends who know people who have been in DV situations
1. if we trauma dump just know we are sorry but please stop us and talk through it later (if you can) 
2. don’t ask why they didn’t leave sooner it’s not your buisness 
3. we don’t know we are being abused, if you know but we don’t please be patient. The mind is a tricky thing. 
4. DO NOT SAY “how did you not know” “you’re stupid for not knowing” “you’re making it up” “told you so” or anything else condescending, we feel stupid and we just want support 
well that’s all I have folks! Thank you tumblr for all the laughs and all the cringe.  I hope this post is insightful and please feel free to add on.
love <3 
Punk-Rock-Uncle :) 
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