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comraads · 6 months

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On God and Santa

When I was around five, I asked my mom the dreaded question about Santa Claus.

She’s recounted the story many times–it’s one of those “look how precocious she was” anecdotes that my family chuckles at. I asked if Santa was real, as many many kids do. My mom was in a bit of a tough spot, because she’d so far decided to parent with total honesty. She’d answered the “where do babies come from” in a very matter of fact, clinical way, but this was different. She was afraid that by telling me the truth, I’d lose something of that childhood joy and wonder. So she did the best she could–she wove a beautiful story about how Santa isn’t a real person, but rather the spirit of Christmas, an ideal that we all embody around the holidays. Santa was in the sound of a jingling bell, the whisper of wintery wind. It was, in my memory, quite poetic.

According to her retelling, I took this all in solemnly, nodding my head. After a small pause, I asked a follow-up question.

“Okay, but who puts the presents under the tree?”

I don’t think that many people realize the parallels between the Santa myth and God—at least from a child’s perspective. I knew by five years old that Santa wasn’t real, and it didn’t cause any kind of crisis in me. I wasn’t sad, I had rather suspected as much for a while. I also understood that I couldn’t say anything to the other children, or even to adults, because doing so would break the spell.

I viewed God in much the same way. Internally, I knew it was impossible that all the animals in the world fit on a single boat, or that a man had turned water into wine at a wedding. I assumed that the adults–at least most of them–knew this too, and that we were all going along with this whole God thing because, like Santa, it was somehow culturally important to do so. So I did. I went to church and sang the songs, I skipped dinner and breakfast before Fast Sundays, I even bore my testimony. And I began to understand–or at least I thought I did–why God was so important. It gave people meaning, answers, a code to live by. I liked the idea of there being a rulebook, perhaps for obvious reasons, and at that age, I saw the rules of my church as just as reasonable as any other. Do unto others and all that.

I continued to believe in God the way I “believed” in Santa, all the while assuming that everyone else was doing the same: until the moment when I stopped agreeing with His rules. Once I began to learn how my church thought about people who were different from us, the logical justification for belief failed. How could belief in God be so important if that belief was used to harm other people? On the contrary, it seemed to me that the most ethical thing would be to not believe in God, and to let people live their lives in a way that made them happy. By their own rules.

I tell this story because it’s one of many that, looking back on, makes it obvious that I was always different from other kids. I’ve spent all my life hiding this rich inner world from others, because I learned early on that they wouldn’t understand, or even worse, that what I was, truly, under the surface, somehow bad or wrong. That I didn’t belong. Kids always sniffed it out quickly, but as I got older and the mask grew more sophisticated, I was able to pass mostly unnoticed by neurotypical society. Maybe, if someone had thought to assess me younger, I would be a very different person than I am today. Maybe that would be better; maybe worse. The point is, I have always been like this, from my earliest memories, whether or not it was obvious from the outside.

When I confessed mid-meltdown to my PhD advisor what was happening and why, she responded with “I don’t think you’re autistic—you don’t seem autistic,” and that’s exactly why I’m writing this. I believe there are many people like me out there, who have gone through their life under the assumption that their experience is typical when in fact it is anything but. People who feel deep shame and guilt over who they are because they don’t know that they are overcoming remarkable odds each day by continuing to function (even semi-effectively) in a world that is openly hostile to them. Getting my diagnosis was life-changing for me because I finally understood why I had always struggled with things that seemed simple for others, why I was prone to depressive episodes and burnouts. Most importantly, it gave me the freedom to embrace myself for who I was, to heal long festering emotional wounds, and to seek joy without embarrassment or shame.

Sometimes I envy people who genuinely believe in God. I only realized as an adult how many of them are not pretending, but in fact have a kind of unshaking faith and there's something beautiful in that. I don't think I've ever experienced what people call faith. I think it can be helpful for people to believe in something bigger than ourselves, even if it is a jealous sky daddy. But then I remember the question "who puts the presents under the tree" and I think maybe we shouldn't be so quick to give credit to God for things when all the best--and worst--outcomes of religion have come from people acting in God's name.

#autism #neurodivergent #actually autistic #religion #religious trauma #therapy blog

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kfedup · 1 year

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ayup

I’m right back where I left off with therapy four years ago. Funny how that works. I went in feeling irritated and out of sorts and four different instances she asked me direct questions that my mind slammed the door shut on. The first time, I got quiet and then said “so I notice that I recognize the words you said and I know I understood the meaning of the words, but now it feels like my mind is a blank wall without a door. I don’t know how to go through to an answer.”

She said something like “that’s pretty amazing you can spell it out like that. most people just say they spaced out when they dissociate.”

Yeah, I’m a writer. I notice things. I’m really good at noticing things when I’m trying to ignore something else. Her saying that helped me get back into my body and find the answer, so that was cool, even though I really did not like the answer I found. But, isn’t it often like that?

I feel surprised. I started back wishing to work on a few very specific things, and it turns out those other things that I stopped trying to deal with last time around not only haven’t magically resolved on their own, they have grown and are blocking the door to the new things and to life flow. Now I’m exhausted. And going back again next week.

#therapy blog #codependency is a bitch

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angelstalkshit · 7 months

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things im currently working on

☆ reaching out to people and places I do not typically reach out to, for financial help.

☆ my morning routine

☆ self acceptance, and being my true self

☆ accepting reality

☆ my stress tolerance

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mimosbingeblog · 1 year

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• two yogurts

• three tangerines

• two slices of buttered bread

• two alani energy drinks

by far not my worst binge, just glad i was able to stop myself before i got too far

i’m proud of me <3

#bing3 eating #b1nge eating #tw disordered eating #therapy blog

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luvrmoona · 1 year

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mental health resources 🌙

official suicide prevention website

men's mental health

benefits of therapy

healthy coping mechanisms

eating disorder resources/acknowledgment

#mentalheathawareness #mental heath support #mental health #mental heath issues #advice blog #advice #therapy #helpfulresources #resources #mental health resources #mentalhealthadvocate #mental health blog #therapy blog

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onlydragonsmaychange · 1 year

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Other people: turn anger and shit experiences into scathing remarks and witty jokes

Me: curls up like a potato bug waiting to be squished with a rock

#what's the secret #coping strategies #dealing with emotions #odmc #coping #not funny #life with family #bug go splat #hell hath no fury #and neither do i #therapy blog

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aaliyahroyle · 2 months

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sluvjvn · 2 months

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being a skincare girlie AND a book girlie is so expensive

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puppys-tiny-space · 4 months

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🖍️Tips for tinies that struggle with hypersexuality🖍️

First of all it is completely valid and fine to struggle with hypersexuality while regressed or before regressing. This can be for any number of reasons and all of them are okay! It does not make you any less valid or precious. You deserve healing, love and gentleness. I will also be making a post for affirmations to deal with impure regression and hypersexuality.

🧮stop regressing if you need to, if intrusive thoughts or feelings get too much stop regressing, take a break from it, clear your head and calm down🧮

🧃do affirmations, remind yourself that you are precious, your regression is healing, you are clean and deserving of love🧃

🖍️avoid triggers, if you know what triggers hypersexuality try to avoid them extra hard while small, if it is not having close skin contact, not wearing tight close or whatever🖍️

🧮don't be shy to cope, cope however you need to, let out your painful feelings, scream, break things, run or write whatever helps you let it out do it🧮

🧃do not act on it, do not act on intrusive thoughts or feelings no matter how much you think it might help it won't, it won't make them go away it will make it worse🧃

🖍️journal, journal about your feelings, about what hurts and what helps, build skills that work for you, they don't have to be what other people do, it is your healing and nobody else's🖍️

🧃talk it trough, talk about your feelings with somebody, be it a therapist or somebody you trust, you deserve a safe space🧃

🧮teach yourself, teach yourself you do not need to do sexual things to deserve love and kindness, you have a right to gentleness and to being fragile, you don't have to be pure to be loved🧮

🖍️don't compare yourself, comparing yourself with others is never a good idea especially not with this, it might feel like you are alone with this issue but you are not, others struggle with it but most regressors don't talk about it as it's a very personal thing🖍️

Fun fact of the day: you can tell the difference between rocks and fossils by licking them

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deafening-radio-silence · 2 months

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I think that Dr. Christina "I was an excellent soldier" Raynor needs to deal with some personal things before she's anyone's therapist, because she strong-armed more of Bucky's autonomy away from him than Zemo did within the series.

#yeah man make amends for the shit that happened when you didn't even have control over your own thoughts #so she was giving him a way to “fix things” but that wasn't on him to do so #all she did was doubly reinforce what he already thinks - which is a justified but false and guilt-laden perception - about the situation #idk much about therapy but i don't think that they're sposed to do that. correct me if i'm wrong and then i'll go fight all therapists #bucky barnes #tfaws #alpine #my art #thank you for putting up with my drawings of a comic book character and his asshole cat lol #i had to put my dog down recently in a bad way and i can't rightfully get another house dog with my current work schedule #so i got a cat since they can handle being inside for the day and the shelter lady said she's super antisocial towards other cats #she's super antisocial towards me sometimes too but she sleeps on me at night and my house has never been cleaner #now that i have to vacuum cat fur and mind what i leave lying on the counter #i've never liked cats before but she's special i guess idk ain't everyone's cat special lol #anyway i'll stop using my tumblr blog as a blog now lol

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mayonezli · 9 months

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fromdarzaitoleeza · 1 month

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Spring is here , the true beginning of the year , the season where my soul reborns and blooms .

I have made some progress in terms of the person I am becoming, truly in all my honesty all that i have done is to stop caring for everything that once used to matter , the less I care about anything in particular the less I am bothered and the happier i stay. And i really hope everyone here is doing well and I appreciate all the love that was sent.

The problem is I care a lot about everything and i don't even get the bare minimum in return and when i do get it it's too late, so much time has passed by then ,when it comes by then i do not want or need it because it's the not care that came out of love it came out of their guilts. And the longer i wait for it to come by -the more I learn why I don't need it anymore .

I am slowly learning to value myself ,trying to put myself in a position where I can agree that i too deserve all the good things and love even on the days when i have nothing to offer .

Idk guys I am just here to rant and to be stupid

Better late than never they say , I guess it's not too late for me either, I will start my life and live up to what I want & how I feel ,i don't have to care about anything else as long as I feel alive in my bones things will eventually flow, I will fall in love with myself little by little day after day.

I will choose myself instead of choosing others and I will fall in love with my solitude instead of bearing it with me , i don't care if I end up alone if I do end up all by myself I will be with someone who i know has a tendency not to give up .

Life is really short i just don't want to sit and watch it pass by , if I am lucky enough I will have 40 more springs to experience , I have clear boundaries and thoughts in my head now, eventually i will find peace through it I hope so.

Ramdan kareem to people who celebrate it here please remember gaza in your prayers and fastings

#i love everyone here i hope you all are really good and if you are not i will just hope you all will be eventually #things will get better guys give yourself a chance dont crosss oceans for people who cant cross a mile for you #choose yourself over and over again let things go let people leave when they want to #keep yourself happy you are all you have everything is temporary #do good for yourself don't do anything whixh will hurt you in any way shape of form #seem therapy if needed #always remember if it can happens once it can happen again #dont think too much about anything just live do your part feed yourself well #find happiness in small acts of your living #this stupid blog is currently still active on Instagram in case you want to read more of poetry #remember you deserve all good things but don't go around hurting people #take care of your heart bye 🫂❤️‍🩹

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inkskinned · 1 year

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im gonna start a fight; and, at the same time, i need you to take this in the most good-faith way possible, but:

videos that involve body-checking and intentionally (and uncritically) show a mealplan of an unhealthy number of calories are just a revamped version of pro-ana food diaries.

and yeah, i know there's arguments. i address some of them under the cut. but at the end of the day, we're just coming back to romanticizing mental illness; we've just found a better platform for it.

this is already something we've done. we knew it was wrong and tried to stop it. and tbh. it just wasn't enough.

there are people who argue "well, what if you have an eating disorder, you can't help it if you don't eat!" except that as someone with an ED; we are not infants. we know what we're doing. part of having an ED is that you are like, maybe too self-aware. even if we can't help our own food choices, we don't need to fucking romanticize the disorder - something we've been warning you about since 2013. there are hours of setup, filming, and editing that go into these videos. they do not happen to fall into place randomly. there is a reason they are pieced together to be beautiful, bright, inspiring.

there's this woman who pretty much only posts daily plans under a normal amount of calories, and everyone defends her saying but it's better than nothing! and i'm like. except she opens those with images of her showing off her body and provides no context in the video or caption that suggests that she believes what she's doing is unhealthy. she has hundreds of thousands of followers on a platform designed for young kids and teens. i refuse to believe that by accident her content just happens to be cheery advice on "healthy" versions of starving.

for any other symptom of mental illness, we would be incredibly enraged by this kind of placid acceptance of a "tips and tricks" fast-start guide. imagine if people posted pink & pretty videos saying "best places to cut yourself" as if it was a fucking storytime. we, as a society, are so fucking fatphobic that we would rather accept blatantly harmful displays of self harm than admit that we are obsessed with a hyper-thin body type.

i am not suggesting someone never talks about their disorder. i talk about mine. actually, it's a plot point in my book.

here's the difference: i recognize it's a fucking mental illness. i am very careful to never mention a specific weight, eating pattern, or calorie plan. i always make sure to position it as something that ruined my fucking life. i do not put cheery music in the background and hearts and sparkles over my worst moments. i do not film it in bright light. i do not start each passage with an image of a thin body followed by "here's how to look like her."

eating disorders should not be framed as aspirational. and the problem is that society worships the "after" image, so long as you don't get too sick. there is a reason so many people who quit being "influencers" will later admit - i wasn't eating well that whole time; an obsession with food was completely destroying my life.

we let any uncredited, uncertified person write the most backwards, fucked up shit about how to get the body you desire! because the underlying, secret belief is: well, at least they're thin! and the real thing that fucking gets me each time - they make fucking money off of it. their irresponsibility and societal harm literally pays off for them.

"why do you care so much." "don't like it don't look." "so what if people experiment with new ways of thinking of food?"

thank you for asking. we're about to get extremely personal. it's because when i was 18 i discovered "thinspiration"/"thinspo." and it absolutely influenced, shaped, and codified my pre-existing eating disorder. i went from having some troubling habits and traits to being incredibly unwell within what felt like a matter of days. there were actual pages designed to train me on how to have an ED correctly. it was all so suddenly easy. i was sick; and the nature of the illness meant - i wanted to be sicker.

it takes an average of 7 years for a person to fully recover. i know this personally - even now, 10 years from the worst of it, i still fucking struggle. i am so much happier now and i eat what i want and i literally don't think about food at all (19 year old me would shudder) and yet - i still fucking know the calories of plain toast with butter.

an eating disorder is one of the deadliest types of mental illness. over 1 in 4 people with an ED will attempt suicide.

and i'm sorry. i just do not see the exchange rate of "high rate of engagement" versus "the value of a human life."

#and there's something else in there about like ....#tbh once i got over something like 1k followers #i stopped being specific about my ED for a REASON.#yes on ur personal locked blog that u use like a diary go ahead etc #but we are OBVIOUSLY not talking about that. we're talking about the sheer NUMBER of people i could be talking about #in that one paragraph. that you and i probably were thinking about 2 different influencers #bc they get to say that they're just posting FITNESS and if it's FITNESS it's OKAY and im like #jesus christ lord almighty #every person in recovery from an ED: this is incredibly dangerous holy shit do you know how much this would have triggered me #each of these ppl: how dare you!!!!!!!!! i am only harming those who WANT to engage with my content!!!!!#their followers: leave them alone !!! they can't help that they make an hours-long choice to frame their disorder as if it was #fucking cottagecore !!!!#like girlie this person needs THERAPY #again! i didn't even have that large of a following before i IMMEDIATELY deleted any specific mention of calories food etc #bc i recognize responsibility and i didnt EVER want to even ACCIDENTALLY encourage this #and im not even GETTING PAID FOR THIS!!!#aND THEY ARE!!!#something something something they know this content makes them money #they don't give a SHIT about u babe

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ftmslutsposts · 2 months

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force my legs open and make fun of my wetness

tell me all about how girly it is to be getting off on this. how my soaking wet cunt defines me before i even open my mouth. laugh while your cock penetrates me. i might be resisting, but my cunt isn’t.

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idasleeps · 5 months

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Detrans December

and/or note game

every 10 notes - one week saving my pussy

every 20 notes - having to ask permission for a week every time I want to orgasm

every 30 notes - writing something on my body (you can comment suggestions) once or twice a week

50 notes - I'll edge once before I orgasm (if I have permission, if not, I'll edge twice)

75 notes - I'll listen to hypnosis audios or videos (breeding, dronification, hucow, detrans,... you can comment suggestions) 1h for three days (+15 notes another 3 days)

100 notes - I'll let anyone who wants control my vibrator until the battery runs out (two hours and a half aprox) (+10 another person) (DM or coment if interested)

150 notes - I'll masturbate to anything you send me (mantras, hypnosis, photos, people telling me what they want to do with me,...) and orgasm if you let me

175 notes - I'll edge 5 times before I can orgasm (if I have permission to, if not I'll edge 6 or 10 times as commanded)

200 notes - free space so you can decide a punishment for me

pls spam 🩷

all of this will be while calling me a girl, using she/it and masturbating every day (and having an orgasm if I have permission).

This will go all December until I can't anymore

PT. 2

#misgendering blog #forced detrans #ftm girl #forced detransition #detransition kink #ftm detrans kink #ftm fakeboy #ftm misgendering #ftmtf kink #ftm cnc #ftm correctional therapy #detrans kink #misgender kink #misgender me #detrans me #misgenkink #t4t detrans kink

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rosebud-poet · 1 year

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[Black text on a white background that reads:

my gender is whatever makes me easiest to kill,

my gender is breeding stock, kill all men, can’t you just stay unobtrusive and neutral, the question cut apart in debate chambers, my ragged flesh and bones picked for statistics and arguments by vultures in suits who go home to too-young wives, breathing out my same old screams to useless onlookers sitting in rows, you’re disgusted by my blood on the floor but unwilling to shoot down what’s killing me slowly, what are the magic words i need to say to get you to care that i’m dying,

my gender is polite young woman in a pantsuit long long dead, forward-thinking and modern, isn’t it funny that she lived as a man, she wanted better opportunities, we dug up the body and passed it around the archives and if you look here you’ll see the place where they cut out the most important parts, so sad to see such irreversible damage, so sad she never had children, so sad she was mutilated, but she was such a trailblazer, the first woman to put a bullet in a state senator’s head,

my gender is a bullet in a state senator’s head, shooting down vultures before they break my sibling’s skin, crippled tranny faggot (triple threat) with a score to settle, with a gash down the center of its chest spitting fire through pharmacy phone lines, never fucked someone who wasn’t an enemy of the state, never was your little girl, sticking around till the bitter end and triple dog dare you to come bash me yourself you bloody-beaked coward, come watch me be the monster you all say i am,

my gender is whatever makes me hardest to kill.]

#poetry that i can't post on instagram without mark zuckerberg himself tapping on my window to go WHOA HEY BUDDY #anyway welcome to my blog therapy is not enough i need to burn down the utah state house #poetry #trans poetry #poetblr #disabled poet #disabled poetry #trans poet #trans poets on tumblr #trans rage #stop trans genocide #trans poem #transmasc poet #vent poem #vent poetry

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