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sakusasbunny · 3 years

Text

— debasement

anon: Professor Kuroo thirst - it's office hours and you sit with your knees hugging your chest. u don't realize that he can see the back of your thighs and your underwear hugging your cunny. You shouldn't wear a skirt that short around kuroo sensei, not when you get wet at the sight of him. Not when you catch him wide eyed at wetness trickling around ur thighs.he's a young single professor, doesn't hurt to please him right?

pairing: kuroo t. x reader

cw: student-teacher relationship (college setting), age gap, non-con, blackmail, oral

wc: ~2.1k

a/n: again, i was carried away w what was just supposed to be a drabble :D. also a special thank you to @azo-musxas for beta reading this fic, ily!!

m.list

You were sitting on the couch directly facing his desk as you fiddled with your skirt. Professor Kuroo had asked you to meet him in his office. He said he needed to talk to you, but he never specified the reason. You were nervous, what could he possibly need to talk to you about that he couldn’t just say after class?

Your heart raced as you watched him across the room grading papers. He ran a hand through his messy hair and adjusted the glasses that sat atop his nose. You noticed that the first few buttons of his dress shirt were unbuttoned, revealing his collarbone to you. The knot in your stomach was growing as you shamefully gawked at him, taking in the way his shoulders tensed after every long sigh and how his jaw was accentuated whenever he clenched it. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and you watched his arms flex as he tightened his grip on his pen. Your face flushed wondering how his hands would feel around your soft skin, gripping and bruising where he’d touched you.

It didn’t help your nerves that he’d ask you to wait till after he was done grading the last of his papers. Not when you were forced to be alone in a room with your young hot professor.

It shouldn’t take much longer, he promised. What a liar.

Pulling your knees to your chest and burying your face in your arms, you tried to provide yourself with what little comfort you could. You took a deep breath in and tuned everything else out, focusing only on the air that filled and escaped your lungs. However, as you attempted to distract yourself, your efforts resulted in the opposite and thoughts of your attractive professor clouded your mind. Unconsciously, your legs began rubbing together in earnest.

What you failed to realize was that your short skirt, which already was so revealing, had hiked up, exposing the cotton of your underwear to your professor.

As Kuroo’s eyes flitted up, he was greeted by your bare thighs and tight underwear that hugged your cunny. He’d noticed the way your legs clenched together as well. Kuroo leaned back in his chair and let out an appreciative sigh, his knuckles turning white as he gripped the pen in restraint.

God, you were a clueless little thing, weren’t you?

He’d surmised that you fluttered your way around life without so much a care in the world, not paying any attention to your surroundings or the bad men that lurked in the shadows. He could tell life had come so easily to you. You reeked of innocence and naïveté that he’d loved to debase. How cute, he thought. Didn’t you know never to wear such short skirts in front of men? The world was full of bad people and it was an important lesson for such a young girl like you to learn— one that he’d be glad to teach you.

Getting up, he circled his way around his desk, slowly making his way towards you. His movements weren’t unlike that of a predator eyeing his prey; you were just a poor gazelle unknowing of the lion preparing to strike. Kuroo sat down on the coffee table in front of you, careful not to make a sound. He wanted this moment to last longer so he could savor the sight in front of him. You still hadn’t realized how much you revealed to your professor as you hugged your knees to your chest.

Kuroo took in your stuttering breaths, his eyes dark as they trailed down to your soaked underwear. Such a naughty girl... were you thinking of him? Is that what was making your pussy drool all over his couch? His cock ached at the mere thought of it.

Oh, he was gonna have so much fun with you.

He placed a gentle hand on your forearm and your head shot up, “Uhm, P-Professor, I— Sorry, I didn’t hear you come over.”

“That’s alright,” he offered you a reassuring smile and it helped ease your nerves a little bit, “Don’t be so nervous, you’re not in any kind of trouble.”

His hand remained on your forearm, rubbing small circles around your skin.

“I-I’m not?”

“No, of course not, you haven’t done anything wrong.” He almost melted right there as your eyes lit up. “But— I would like to talk to you about your grades.”

“My grades?”

“Yes,” he said, leaning forward as he clasped his hands in front of him. Kuroo took a deep breath before he continued. “I’m afraid you're failing my class.”

“B-But I—” you stammered.

Your voice trailed off as tears began to prick your eyes. The crushing feeling in your chest weighed you down and you hugged your knees closer. Kuroo watched your lips tremble, slowly parting as if you were going to say something in protest but closing again.

“No, hey, hey… It’ll be okay, don’t cry.” He brought a hand to your face, cupping your cheek and wiping a tear that threatened to fall. You closed your eyes and allowed yourself to relax into his touch.

“I’m here to help you out, yeah? You’re a smart girl, I’m sure you’ll find a way to bring your grades up.” You sighed in relief, but as you looked up at your professor, you could see the predatory gaze in his eyes as he stared down at you. The soothing feeling of his small embrace was suddenly drowned out by the sinister meaning behind his reassuring words. You leaned away from his touch, eyes widening in fear.

You shrunk back on the couch, inching as far as you could until your back was flat against the leather cushions. Panic kept you sedentary. You could have taken the chance and ran but as he stood slowly and peered at you with half-lidded eyes, you found yourself cemented in place.

Kuroo took a step towards you. He undid the knot in his tie, hooking his finger over the fabric and pulling it side to side until it effortlessly fell to the floor. He let out a low chuckle, the corners of his lips turning in a malicious smile.

“I think you know what you have to do.”

“P-Professor, please, n-”

He grabbed your chin harshly, silencing you.

“Don’t you see the opportunity I’m giving you? I have no qualms about letting you fail my class”

“No! Please, I’ll do anything!”

“Good… Now, why don’t you show me that slutty pussy of yours.”

You spread your legs wide for him and Kuroo situated himself in between your thighs. He was so close that you could feel his cool breath on your cunt.

“Look at you,” he said, taking in the sight before him. “Already dripping for me.”

He trailed two fingers on the damp spot that formed on your underwear and pressed lightly. You squeezed your eyes shut as you tried to suppress the sigh threatening to escape your lips. You’d rather he got it over as quickly as possible, even if it ended up hurting you more, but he’s decided to savor the moment.

Kuroo hooked his finger on your panties, slipping them off your legs. The cold air in his office hit your dripping pussy, making you feel all the more exposed. You clamped your legs together in an effort to hide yourself but his hands were quick to grab your thighs, keeping your legs spread as wide as possible.

“Don’t.” His voice was low as he warned you.

Kuroo didn’t waste any time as he teased your hole with his tongue. He moved slowly and deliberately as he dove into your fluttering pussy. Your thighs tensed around his head but as he moved towards your clit, he felt your legs relax in his hold.

You couldn’t help but moan as he lapped at your dripping cunt, lost in your own pleasure. He brought two fingers to your lips, spreading you apart. Long fingers teased and prodded at your hole before slowly slipping inside you. It was a tight fit but your own wetness made it easy for him to pump his fingers inside you.

You were close, so close. Your hips were bucking into his fingers, practically begging him to go faster but the sudden realization of your situation brought you crashing down.

“Wait! Please, professor, I-I can’t—!”

“You can’t?” his fingers continued their movements, curling to massage that spot inside you and making you groan, “Well… that could mean anything when you’re making such loud, pretty noises for me.”

The slick sounds of your pussy were obscene as he spread the two fingers inside you stretching your walls. You let out a sob, the knot in the pit of your stomach tightened.

He hummed in approval.

“Good girl, I think you’re ready for me.”

Kuroo stood from his position and you watched him with glassy eyes as he unbuckled his belt and let his cock out of his slacks. You felt delirious and heavy laying down on the couch. You closed your eyes and leaned your head back on the soft cushions. You couldn’t make anything else out except for the loud clang when his pants hit the floor and a bright flash of white light that lasted only for a second, followed by a small beep.

He lined himself up with your hole, but not before sliding the angry tip of his cock on your slit and spreading his precum. He stretched you out, not bothering to slow down as he pushed his cock into the kiss of your puckered cervix. The blunt head of his cock forced a scream from your throat and you held onto the back of his neck, digging your nails into his skin. He hissed at the sensation.

Kuroo pulled out, leaving only his head inside, before slamming his hips against yours and battering the tight ring of the spongy muscle. He could feel your walls squeeze around his cock with every move he made, tugging him deeper into your pussy. You felt the prominent vein that ran along his shaft making you pulsate around him in desperation.

Tears streamed down your face as you screamed in pain and pleasure. You had the cutest look on your face as you tried not to enjoy yourself while Kuroo repeatedly bumped your g-spot with his cock. He took hold of your legs once more, bruising your plush skin with his grip. Pressing your legs flat on your chest, he put all his weight on the back of your thighs and he quickened his pace.

Kuroo’s desperation grew while he watched your mouth open in a silent scream. His pleasure was heightened thinking about how he was violating your most intimate parts. He’d dreamt of molesting cute girls like you— so deep in their denial even when their cunny’s sucking the cum right out of his cock.

You’d never let yourself admit how good you felt even as you gushed around him, soaking him in your slick. You were blinded with pleasure, eyes rolling to the back of your head, back arching, and legs thrashing underneath him. The knot in your core snapped all at once while you came around him.

He kept you close to him as he felt your walls flutter around his shaft. Kuroo drove his cock harder inside you, his pace unrelenting, and when his tip kissed your bruised womb, he came. He growled in your ear as he shot hot ropes of cum deep into your cunt. You could feel it trickle out of your convulsing hole as he fucked his cum into you.

You moaned— a sad, hiccuping moan, as he pulled himself out of your dripping cunny. He watched his seed dribble out of your stretched hole slowly before scooping it up and pushing it back inside. Kuroo helped pull your underwear up your legs, releasing the fabric with a snap, ensuring none of it would escape.

He pulled you up from your previous position and he cupped your face. Exhaustion filled your body and you couldn’t resist anymore, not that you had fought him all that hard. You openly stared back at him dumbly.

Your professor moved his phone in front of your face, waving it around to ensure you paid attention. Horror ran up your spine as the filthy sounds of your wanton moans flooded the room.

“Now, I’ve caught a little snippet of our… time together on video. I’m sure you wouldn’t want this getting out.” He let out a breathy laugh, chuckling at the dumbfounded look on your face. “ I mean— what would your classmates think of you? So, why don’t you meet me back here tomorrow at the same time? We can put that whore mouth of yours to use, pretty girl.”

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yandere-sins · 3 years

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first of all ur blog is amazing 😘

second can i request yan diluc general hcs ??

I am glad you are enjoying it! ^^ Feel free to be more specific in what you want to see next time!

»»———————— ♡ ————————««

♡ Diluc never knows what to bring home to you. For once, he has a good reason to spend all the money he has acquired over the years, and yet he wonders if you’ll wear the things he buys for you or if a new painting in your room might please you after you ripped the last one apart one time after a very heated fight. He constantly has his cooks prepare new, exciting dishes, buying tons of unique ingredients from around Teyvat, even though most of them end up on the floor or the walls whenever you want to go against him, and yet he keeps trying. Not even Diluc likes all that he gets served, but if it ends up as something to your liking, that would be a win! He’s still figuring out if simple would please you more than extravagant, even if you shout at him at the top of your lungs that you just want to be freed of him, but hey! He’s really trying to please you.

♡ Touching you is a touchy (hah!) subject for Diluc. You do remember some dazed fever dreams in which you thought you awoke lying in his lap, his hand gently brushing down the side of your face before noticing you were awake and flinching away. Still, you always find yourself in your bed alone the next morning. It’s not that he wouldn’t like to touch you, but Diluc takes note of how fearful, ashamed, and disgusted you seem every time he reaches out. It hurts him. Hurts him more than you will ever know. To be refused by you asserts the kind of pain that no one wants to go through, but for Diluc, it’s the daily misery on top of all his burdens. So what else can he do but use those few unaware moments to feel you? Take off his glove to feel the smoothness of your skin beneath his fingertips, the warmth of your body in his palm? He wishes there was more to do, that he could find the courage in himself to hug you and hold your hand proudly for once, but with the appalled look on your face when he stalks closer, he doesn’t dare. It’s not worth causing a scene with you again and make you hate him more than you already do. So all he allows himself is the sweet caresses at the darkest hours of the night after he comes home from yet another long day and the kiss on your forehead before he leaves you to rest when for once, you’re not looking at him in horror.

♡ That doesn’t mean there aren’t those days he very deliberately touches you, only to regret it many hours later, knowing that your opinion won’t have a chance to change with what he has just done. But you just have to know how much your words and actions hurt him! He wouldn’t try to hurt you so much if you didn’t start it! Neither of you like seeing you bound and put into position. Neither of you want you to choke back your tears because you fear they’ll agitate him more. And yet, you are at this point again where he has you tiptoe in front of him, wrists tied over your head and the rope slung over the beam of the roof; Diluc’s hands lodged into your hips, slowly pulling you down. At this point, nothing matters to him. Nothing that a kiss couldn’t solve. Even if you yelp in pain as he stands up, he has your mouth to himself immediately, leaning in deep with relish before wandering.

♡ You’ll need new clothes as he tears the one you wore apart to kiss your neck and collarbones, experiencing you. It’s only a pleasure for a short time, but at least for a little bit, he can have you feel your place of belonging. Who the person is, you owe it all too, the bad and good aspects. No one could keep you as safe and well-cared for as Diluc does, even if you hate to admit the dedication, he shows towards the you he wants to see. But how could you? When he keeps you locked up for no apparent reason, only his deeply festered fear of losing another person dear to him? When he pulls your struggling body tightly into his, you feel how desperate you make him, how much you mean to this man who’s usually stone-faced and sullen. How you are everything and how he means well. But at the same time, the wounds on your body sting, and you wished that this kind of ‘well’ wouldn’t include punishing you and locking you up as he pleased. And Diluc? Diluc breathes in deeply - as he desires so much more from you - counts to three and cuts you lose swiftly again, just to keep his own sanity and not make matters worse.

♡ As Diluc keeps you sheltered, you never expected of all people that it would be Kaeya who visits you. It almost seems like Kaeya gets a free pass when really, he just bribes some servants to not run and tell Diluc whenever he comes to visit you, knowing fully well that Diluc isn’t home or aware of his brother’s whereabouts. However, your initial relief that finally someone came to save you turned around very quickly as you realized Kaeya wasn’t there to let you out of your prison. To him, it’s just a tingling sensation of both having something his brother so desires and yet only spoils, never tarnishes, and also tickling out some reactions from his Diluc if he were to get too close to you for his own good. Kaeya was never afraid of a challenge, and yet, you couldn’t help but feel relief for the first time to see Diluc yanking him off you and throwing Kaeya out of the room, cursing and ready to slit his throat.

♡ It didn’t matter at that moment how he found out or why he was there just in time, but you realize for the first time that he meant it when he said he’d keep you safe from everything that would come your way. Diluc only returns hours later, leaving you to ponder and try to figure out what was going on while you were still struggling from the embarrassment of Kaeya coming to your room. Still, when Diluc does return, he doesn’t speak to you at all about it, bringing you food and asking if you are hurt somewhere before simply leaving for the night. It almost made you wanting to talk about it just so Diluc doesn’t treat you with a cold shoulder. You wonder what he’s sulking about. Is it that another man touched you? That he wasn’t fast enough for his own sake? Or maybe... that he couldn’t fight Kaeya to the death how he might have wanted after finding him on top of you? You can only hope that it isn’t the last case. What if Kaeya comes back? What if he does the same again and Diluc isn’t there? What if one day Diluc decides if he can’t get Kaeya to take responsibility for his actions, maybe it’s your fault? Unreasonable as it is, you also never expected Diluc to lock you up, but here you are. Who knew what that man could do when he was at a loss of what to do, angry and upset? At this, you find yourself unable to take one more bite of your food. A real shame. It actually was to your taste for once.

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xseaxwitchxkpop · 3 years

Text

NSFW Alphabet: Sub!Sannie Edition

A/N: I've seen a lot of dom!ateez edition for this but not really much sub!ateez, so y'all know I had to do it lol. As always, take this with a grain of salt as I do not know the ateezers irl

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A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Doesn't matter if y'all had rough and kinky sex or sweet and soft sex, this boy will always be blissed out when y'all are done. He needs all the sweet kisses on his cheeks, his neck freckles, knuckle kisses, and cuddles. Whisper praise to him and feed and hydrate him...and give him a bath if it was a particularly rough session complete with washing his hair.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He's most proud of abs because not only would he be able to see (and feel) a tummy bulge with ur larger strap on/large dick, he also knows it earns him praise from you because of how hard he works for them. On you, he can't choose his favorite: he'd sway between your lips and the way they make him shudder, your fingers and the way they dig into his hips, and your legs that he could hold onto in missionary, whether thicc or skinny.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

He definitely loves to eat cum, both yours and his, but especially his when it's paired with degradation. He also loves the feeling of you cumming in his ass and it never fails to send him over the edge and wiped out so quickly...he will beg for this. If you have a pussy, make him eat you out after he came inside, it's one of his favorite things.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He's really private with intimacy and prefers not to show off...however, at least once, he would love nothing more than for you to take him in front of a camera and treat him as nothing more than a useless plaything for your pleasure, showing everyone that you own him and then gift the tape to his members...perhaps to lead them to a whole ass orgy where he gets absolutely destroyed by everyone on your command.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Contrary to popular belief, he's not as experienced as we might be inclined to believed. He's probably only had a couple of partners because he fell in love way too fast and might have messed around with a couple of members, but overall he's only kind of experienced. He knows what he's doing as a baseline, but it's also different for different people, so he quickly learns YOUR body and its responses.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Honestly depends on his mood: if he wants it fast, rough, and completely fucked out it's doggy style hands-down; if he wants it slow and sensual, good old missionary with his legs laid over your thighs so he can squeeze them when the bedsheets aren't enough.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Most of the time, he likes to be more serious with sex because he views this type of intimacy as people sharing each other and putting utmost trust in each other but every once in a while he'll want soft, giggly sex where you two simply exist in a moment and in each other without the filth of kinky rough sex.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

I'm more than positive all of them, at the bare minimum, trim their pubes for logistical reasons but I think San probably just full on shaves down there as a matter of principle: if he likes you to be clean shaven down under, he'll put in the same effort for you.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

As I've said, he's a very intimate person, so he treasures every single moment every time you two have sex. No matter how far deep into sub space he gets or how severe his punishments, his heart will always fill up with joy and happiness whenever you two get intimate. He's also very possessive and he feels 1000x moreso when sex is involved which is why his orgy fantasy will be nothing but a fantasy for quite a while.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

He doesn't masturbate too often because the relief of the release is not satisfactory and he only really does it when it becomes an annoyance or interference in his daily routines. BUT. When he's on tour and finds himself on the rare occasion that he is aching for your touch, he'll take a pair of your used panties he snuck into his baggage and jack off in the shower to the thought and smell of you.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

This kinky mf will try most everything once. Some of his kinks include but are not limited to breeding (you breeding him and him breeding you, depending on if he's a service top in the moment), restraints (i.e., shibari, handcuffs), sensory deprivation (i.e., blindfolds), tummy bulge (in him), hair pulling, choking, cum eating, mommy/noona/hyung/daddy/master/mistress/etc., dollification, edging, pegging/anal play, biting, nipple play, and cock rings.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

He prefers the bed above all else because it resembles a little nest of blankets, pillows, and plushies which makes him feel the safest in whatever the mood y'all have goin on. He is not, however, opposed to being railed on the countertop.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Hmmmm I think a better question is what doesn't turn him on. He's definitely a kinky fucker and a sex fiend, but among his top turn ons are ass groping, lip biting, hair tugging, and gentle pats on his lower back, especially if you're doing it to guide him somewhere. Also the Voice (tm), especially in public!

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Deliberately ignoring him, even if it is out of playfulness and teasing on your end. I don't peg him as an attention whore by any means, but he is very sensitive to being included/excluded and the like, so this would only genuinely hurt him, especially if you decide to drag it out for longer than a couple of minutes.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

This man LIVES for eating you out and/or sucking you off, whether that's a strap on or actual dick. It gets him going so much so please let him just go down you at any time, any day, nearly any where. He doesn't like receiving much because he doesn't get too much pleasure -- he doesn't make him feel subby at all and that's not something he particularly likes but if you really want to, he'll let you go down on him every once in a blue moon.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

As emphasized previously, it very much depends on his mood, but he'll typically want fast and rough on his more stressful days and slow and sensual on his more "down" days when he needs to be reminded that he is loved for more than just his body, that he is more than just his body. The soft and giggly sex he'd want when he's in a very happy mood and just wants to share that warmth with you, the sweet thing.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

He's not really that into quickies, but if you want one or two, he's not gonna put up a fight lol.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Again, he'll do nearly everything once, so yes, experimentation/risk is the name of his game.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

During fast and rough intercourse, he could probably go three rounds with overstimulation but during slow and sensual intercourse, he could do a strong single round or a questionable two rounds because the slow and sensual one tends to be more emotionally exhausting than fast and rough for him.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Ofc the sweetheart owns toys! Miss Size Queen has his own dildos, vibrators, anal beads, handcuffs, and nipple clamps. Most of these things he uses on himself and his partner uses on him, but every once in a while the partner will use one or two things on themselves to tease and punish the poor boy.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

If he's being a brat, he will tease you to no end until you have his ass and remind him to behave. Most of the time, though, it's his partner that's teasing him and he might try to tease you back out of revenge. Keyword: try.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

San is loud as hell in bed and there is no convincing me otherwise. He will let out the most sinful moans, cutest little whimpers, and high pitched whines so muffle his mouth with your used panties/underwear or stuff his mouth with your fingers to decrease his volume. The only time he's not being loud is when he's so completely fucked out that all he can do is whimper, drool endlessly for your strap on/dick, and roll his eyes in the back of his head.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

He loves it when you make him cry from fucking him so good. The first time he cried from fucking was when you two tried out mirror sex and you forced him to look himself in the eye in the mirror and he was absolutely gone. This kind of fucking, however, leaves him kind of sore in the ass for the next couple of days so y'all rarely do it when he's working on promotions and a comeback so when y'all can do it...well, he won't be walking for a while.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

He's a little longer than average, but not by much; he also has average girth. This doesn't bother you, though, as you're the one fucking him most of the time and he knows how to use his dick, anyway, so it hasn't caused any problems between the two of you.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

He has a pretty high sex drive, so when you're not in the mood and he is, you indulge him in guided masturbation either with his hand or via plushie fucking. You'll also let him ride your thigh if you can handle that or give him a quick handy. However if you both have the same high sex drive, y'all gonna have a lot of sex at many times during the day.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He tends to fall asleep pretty quickly, passing out within like 20 minutes of y'all finishing. If, though, it was soft and giggly sex, he wouldn't fall asleep at all, he'd just snuggle into you and talk about cute things he saw that day or scroll through social media for cats or some cute shit because he's not really tired, just very warm and very content...dare I say, like a cat in the sun.

#ateez #sub!ateez #dom!reader #san #ateez headcanons #ateez imagine #my works #lemon hours #sub!ateez alphabet #sub!san #sub!idol #sub!kpop

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normal-thoughts-official · 3 years

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Ur take on a malec beauty and the beast au please

ugh you got me in a difficult position here because on the one hand, i do love the idea of a beauty and the beast malec au. i just think the idea of a socially isolated person who thinks themself/is perceived as monstruous and who has locked away their heart and doesn't believe they could ever be loved fits magnus like a glove. but on the other hand, i don't want to make magnus, a brown character, animalistic, for obvious reasons. and i can't really think of a way to make him monstruous that doesn't fall into animalization/beastification (both racist tropes) or ableist tropes

so i'm thinking... maybe the spell is just that people are repulsed by him/fear him automatically? like it just creates this horrible almost impossible to ignore repulsive/fear/"fight or flight activating" aura around him for absolutely no reason and makes ppl be repulsed and/or hate him. even if it doesn't change his appearance at all. it's not really a changing or shifting spell, more like a spell of hatred

which like.... i know doesn't sound like anything poc/queer people don't already go through but there is a main difference which is that it makes it impossible to find a community. like even other brown and queer people look at him and feel this... huge disgust and even fear and might even hide and so the isolation is absolutely total and it fucking hurts. and besides it is one thing (a very bad thing) to walk around and have to be on constant alert because you never know if someone is going to be violent, and have to deal with occasional comments and disgusted reactions... it's another to consistently have like, children screaming and people cowering 100% of the time without exception, you know? he's basically living the life ppl with social anxiety think they live and he has nowhere to turn to, no one who understands or who's more likely to actually want to talk to him because of his differences. there's no one to lean on. even the people who love him aren't immune to it, even if of course they are not turning their backs on him

so anyway here are my thoughts: this was totally done by camille lol beacuse the whole backstory about being mean to an elderly lady doesn't fit magnus anyway and also i just like sprinkling camille angst where i can. so after magnus finally got himself free of her and her stupid claws she hexxed him back into isolation. both as punishment (a kinda "if you don't want me, then you have no one" logic) and just to make him more vulnerable because again, abusers want you alone and isolated and away from a support network so you are more dependant on them and more likely to buy into their thwarped logic if they can immerse you in it. so she's just trying to manipulate him into getting back with her, because she wants him and most of all his power

and basically you know the drill, if he doesn't find anyone who will love him romantically until the rose withers yada yada he will die. and again she just wants to make the spell so it constantly drives home how alone he is and how he can't find anyone who will love him (except for her), and make it so he's more and more likely to come back to her as time goes by because then the spell will be broken

(sidenote: camille obviously doesn't actually love him, because anyone who does that to someone doesn't love them. but as the one who cast the spell, she can lift it whenever she wants. so all she has to do is kiss him and lift the spell and be like "see, magnus? who else would love you like this, but me? even after all these years?". and honestly if it had come to that magnus would know she was lying because there is no way this is love, none. but anyway it doesn't come to that, that's just what her plan is)

anyway it still doesn't work because magnus is done and he won't get back to her, and he particularly doesn't want to get back with her after, you know, all this trashfire. and he just sets his jaw and is like "fine" and accepts that he will live however long he still has with his friends and people he loves and away from her, basically

and like gosh sidenote but this would have been so painful for his friends. camille very deliberately made it romantic love because she knows magnus has so many fucking people who love him, but him and the immortal squad have found family dynamics, not romantic ones. so there is nothing they can do even though their love for magnus is just... so real and pure and they hate to see him like this, hate to know that right when he finally got rid of her she made sure he still couldn't go out in the world. especially since magnus has always been so damn sociable, loved to be surrounded by people and to meet them and care for them. but here he is, walking as hidden as he can and with his head down avoiding eye contact because he knows the horror is there and some children run away screaming when they see him

and i just picture this desperate little scene with raphael in particular where he's just like.... "i'll try to kiss you. we have to try" and magnus is all, "my boy, you don't even like kissing, and she was very adamant that it had to be romantic" and raphael is almost in tears like "but i do love you, goddamn it! i should be able to undo this spell" and it's so sweet that he's trying and willing to be in this really awkward position where he kisses (yikes) magnus (which is just weird especially since magnus is kind of a father figure to him) because he's just... so desperate to have him free of her, finally, once and for all, you know?

but obviously it doesn't work, not even with dot, who had a kinda fling with him in the past but doesn't really feel Romantic Love™ for him even though she does love him, it's just... not what the spell requires. and it's unfair as hell and there are lots of tears but just the fact that magnus falls asleep surrounded in a teary cuddle pile after some of the absolute worst kisses of his life because his friends/family love him enough to put themselves in such an uncomfortable position in the hopes of making him free, is enough to make him feel a little better. and the fact that they are still there for him and obviously still love him so fiercely even though looking at him now literally evokes fight or flight instincts in them is already more than anything camille could ever give him. if anything, she's proven how loved magnus is

and that helps him get through it that day and is something he tries to hold unto in the worst days, but still, it's hard and it just... sucks. it's tiring to go out in the street and always have people staring at you and to see the horror in their faces and be so isolated and never really know what might happen, if he will be attacked or harrassed or what exactly will happen. so he isolates himself more and more and soon the only people who ever see him or visit him are his friends. and fuck, do they hate seeing him like this

things settle in a weird kind of way. magnus is still living his life and working as a wizard and etc and in a way the spell even helps him have some more credibility because you know, isolated scary person is kinda what ppl expect from wizards. but he avoids having contact at all costs and mostly sends the potions they request and stuff their way, and the only ppl he sees are his friends unless he absolutely can't avoid going outside. and he's fucking miserable. and every once in a while camille will come back to be like "so, magnus, are you ready to stop with this little tantrum of yours and come back to me now? how is the rose doing, by the way?" because god forbid he catches a break

also it turns out that magnus' adoptive streak becomes even stronger because he is 1- extra lonely; and 2- empathizing more than ever with the outcasts. don't get me wrong, he always has, he's a fucking brown, bi trans man for fuck's sake. we all see ourselves in the stray dogs and lonely people one way or another. but now this is turned up to a thousand, so, you know

so he has one (1) extra kind of contact in his life which is basically with stray animals (particularly cats cuz u know, this is magnus) that he finds around in need of help. they can all leave if they want, but a lot of them stay, particularly the black cats, disabled animals, and others that have a particularly hostile environment outside. you know

(not me again with my very specific hcs about deaf pitbulls who fall in love with my faves but LOOK pitbulls are very sweet and caring animals who don't deserve the fame of monsters that they have and if the idea of one being best friend's with magnus and them having a loving and caring relationship doesn't appeal to you then idk what the fuck to tell you)

this of course doesn't help his image cuz this guy is just going there and collecting black cats and snakes and has a huge pitbull around with him at all times but it's not like it can get any worse so magnus doesn't care, and besides, he can't just leave them out to die in the cold and harrassment of middle ages white ppl who think black cats are the worst possible thing but rats carrying deadly diseases are fine (and look, i know rats are also animals that get a lot of shit and persecution, but like, seriously, clean the streets)

and every once in a while there will be a person in need too, like a homeless person in need of a place to stay or some sick person who has been abandoned or something of the sort, so magnus brings them in as well and cares for them as well as he can, but also tries to maintain minimal contact because he's been burned too many times, okay

so like, cue alec! i know in the original BATB belle ended up with the beast to save her father's life but fuck that. i lowkey consider making it "izzy ran away from home so alec comes after her and they both end up staying with magnus" but i think i like it better if it's just alec who decided to leave. like he's done with the abuse both towards him and his sister and he wants to be able to live his life even if he's gonna have to start over in some other village all alone. anywhere but here and all that

and of course alec used to be plenty rich and he has a lot of skills that help him pass by - he's a good archer and hunter, he's a good leader and organizer so he could do wonders for a failing business, he's smart and cunning - but he also has, like, 2 gold coins to his name. maybe some more from stuff he took from home and sold, but still

initially he is living at a tavern and i guess i'm making simon, raphael, and maia tavern owners again! i don't even care anymore, it suits them. rapha is the cook and the three of them run the business and simon also makes musical appearances during dinners every once in a while, and they are living the happy queer polyamorous life of their dreams. we have no choice but to stan

anyway alec is staying with them and he becomes friends with i think maia in particular since, you know, she is the one with the most contact with the customers since rapha is in the kitchen and simon is up the stage most of the time. plus they are both the same brand of bastard and they have an easy understanding between them that just works

and look! simon, raphael, and maia are 3 trans, non-christian/non-white (unnecessary addendum: the concept of whiteness didn't exist until around the 17th century, but whiteness as a concept came basically as a substitute for christianity [link to source], so i'm counting the fact that simon is jewish and raphael and maia are not culturally european as equivalent to non-whiteness in this context) people, so it's not like they would ever kick a gay man running from an abusive home out. but you know what they also are? magnus' friends. and after a while of talking to him maia thinks he is trustworthy enough for them to send magnus' way, because magnus needs as many friends as possible. plus, he wouldn't kick a person in need out, so unlike with them magnus can't really push this newcomer away so he'd have more company. plus, the possibility that he might fall in love with magnus and undo the stupid spell is there, i'm just saying! i'm not saying it WILL happen but why not give it a fucking shot?

raphael in particular is of course super protective of magnus and he swears to god that if this guy gives him half a bad look raphael will end him, which earns him some pats on the shoulder for his troubles and "rapha, we don't want magnus to be hurt either"s. maia says that she's been assessing him for quite a while now and she's pretty positive that he won't be terrible to magnus, but if she's wrong, she'll kill him personally too. and rapha trusts maia. how could he not? she's maia

so, they send alec magnus' way. "i'm sorry alec, but we are struggling to make ends meet *hides gigantic gold stash* and the tavern is packed *raphael upstairs stomps at maximum speed to make it seem like their 13 empty rooms upstairs actually have people* and we really need your room to give to this customer *simon in a wig* BUT we have a friend who we're sure will give you shelter if you ask, it's not very far away, and once we have a free room we will let you know". and alec is just like, okay, because he's been staying there for free or considerably less than the usual fee/in exchange for some stuff he hunts for quite a while now, and they are nice, so it's not like he can complain

and they don't tell him about the spell exactly because it is not their story to tell but they do let him know what to expect re: magnus' vibes and say it's a spell. and alec's like ok i guess. alec's very practical, he doesn't really care, and it's not like it's the guy's fault anyway. which is exactly why maia is sending alec there

so they send magnus a heads up ("magnus this guy is HOMELESS and we are SOOOOO packed can you please give him shelter for a little while thx xoxo"). alec arrives there a while later carrying like 3 prime rabbits he has hunted as a thank you gift because he hates being dependant on people but it's not like jobs abound in the middle ages, and he is actually a little embarrassed to go in and ask this guy he doesn't know for shelter but he IS kinda desperate. for now

anyway he is standing there with his 3 rabbits debating whether or not to knock on the door and magnus just opens it magically like "i know you're there, dear, just come in" so alec does and awkwardly presents him the rabbits and shit and is all "thanks for letting me stay, uh. i can help you with food and taking care of the house and stuff" even though, you know, magnus has magic and doesn't need it

(and magnus appreciates it deeply, because it is tiring to do it all magically on his own but most non-magical people don't even consider that)

and like... it is very awkward at first because magnus does NOT trust at all and he mostly just wants to keep away from anyone who can... look at him. but they ARE living together (oh my god they were roommates!! just kidding they each have their own room but you get it) so it's inevitable. but like magnus' insecurity makes him keep to himself for long times and makes things awkward, kinda like how the initial days with the beast and belle the beast was rude and kinda shitty except magnus is not shitty, just... private

and maybe the subject even comes up like "thanks for the meal alec. i'll go eat it in my room" "i mean, you could eat here if you want" "and ruin your appetite? no thank you" and alec is just like "*shrug* it won't ruin my appetite. unless you are my parents, the concept of failure, or some girl wanting me to marry her, i don't think there's a lot the spell can do to make me scared. besides, you literally have a kitten on top of your head right now and you refuse to remove it and are using a spell to keep her from jostling when you move" "her name is Fluffy, and she is sleeping!" "right, my bad" "wait did you say the concept of failure?" "yea"

it's not that the spell doesn't work on alec; it does, just like it works on his friends. but he is willing to go beyond that initial repulsive reaction that he knows is illogical anyway (and alec is the kind of guy who is just like "if my feelings aren't logical, i don't listen to them" which in this case is useful lmao). and the thing is that once you get to know magnus there is nothing about him that is scary, and the feeling just becomes completely ignorable, because humans are nothing if not adaptable. but most people don't want to go through the trouble to try, and magnus himself doesn't want to let himself be vulnerable enough to give them a chance because there IS a great chance that he will be met with some level of aggression, even if it's an unintentional microaggression

and eventually they grow closer and build trust. i think this happens particularly when camille steps in for one of her regularly schedule shoving-it-in-magnus'-face visits and alec is just like. "hey why don't you just use magic to keep her away?" and magnus realizes that he never even THOUGHT of that and like, jesus, how much has he been unconsciously torturing himself? so he does it, and he ends up telling alec about the story of the spell, which might be the first time he's told someone that didn't know him before the spell was cast

(alec: "so she's basically just killing you slowly?" magnus: "don't be silly, alexander. torturing me first is the most important part". and he sounds self deprecating and almost resigned and god alec feels murderous)

ohh but wait bonus: magnus says that she will only undo the spell if he gets back with her, he doesn't mention that it technically can be undone by romantic love or whatever bullshit's going on because he doesn't believe it can happen anyway, so, who cares

anyway! time goes by. fun fact: alec and magnus get along really fucking well. magnus is so so smart and knowledgeable and he shows alec many of his inventions that never got to see the light of day or that were stolen by someone else who wasn't cursed and took all the credit. he also fascinates alec with his magic, but mostly with his personality. there's something just endlessly endearing about this guy who is so fucking proud of his puns and so so nice and gentle to every creature he encounters, be it a kitten or a pitbull, who's letting alec stay with him for no reason other than that alec needs it

and alec is so goddamn appreciative of it because like he IS and we stan! and he's always trying to give back to magnus which is kind of a rarity, but most of all he's also extremely funny beneath the whole no-bullshit attitude, he's caring and fierce and resourceful and strong (so's magnus) and they click so well. they can also talk about their similar experiences with like, abuse and trauma without making it super heavy and they're just,,, so supportive of each other. so like yeah surprise surprise they fall in love

but they don't really say anything because (on magnus' part) that's just fucking ridiculous, he's a monster; and (on alec's part) he will put magnus is a way too uncomfortable position if magnus doesn't like him that way and they will just... be living together. and magnus will feel like he has to compensate to alec somehow and alec doesn't want that. it's just complicated when one of them is dependant on the other, and besides, alec has had very little to offer magnus so far

(no, he has no idea how much his company means to magnus and has brighted his depressed ass life. he is stupid)

sometimes magnus' friends visit and they're always just so happy for him, to see how he's hanging out more and let someone into his life after so long. it earns him a lot of forehead kisses and "i'm so happy to see you like this". and over time he starts to invite them over more as well as just open up back to the people in his life :')

angsty but also kind of fluffy sidenote: i picture that every time they kiss his forehead or cheek or whatever they linger for a little while and then open their eyes slowly and sigh like "i had been hoping that it would work this time. magnus, you know i love you, right?" and magnus is all like "i know just from you saying that, darling. it's just not how the spell works" and aaa

and like to be extra clear im not saying that alec fixes him or romantic love heals him or whatever, just that having let someone in, someone who didn't know him before the spell, and have them completely accept him and realize how much he had been missing out re: touch and human contact helps him realize how much he misses his friends and how pushing them away is stupid when they've never been anything if not supportive of him. they don't care that he's cursed. and obviously magnus was already on the way to that if he even managed to let alec in anyway

anyway! dramatic healing scene. LOOK. usually i'd be all for "they don't change back actually because people don't have to look beautiful to be lovable". like the original BATB disappointed me sooo badly because i had just been hoping that he'd stay the same way and still be loved. but in this case it's not that magnus doesn't look beautiful! it's that the spell has made him be hated by people for no reason other than existing. and breaking the spell is not changing magnus himself, it's changing that hatred. so, yeah. i'm not saying it's a deep metaphor or anything, just, you know daudhasdja it's different from the usual monster thing

and i'm torn here because on the one hand i LOVE the drama of the original BATB where everyone decides to gather to kill the beast and belle saves him and shit, but idk if it fits with the vibe ive been building here. no actually @ me shut the fuck up. you know how i mentioned that they kick camille out with magic finally? i actually had no intentions of following through with this in any way but like of COURSE she would be absolutely pissed out of her mind and want to get back in some way, we already know she's vindictive. so i'm gonna use that. this is what neil gailman meant when he said that writing is just making a rough draft and then writing it again but like it's on purpose this time

anyway! so after they yeet her camille is obviously furious and fuming and it might have finally dawned on her that magnus will NOT fucking cave and she is losing power over him, not gaining it. so she decides to play a last card and get him to almost die so he kind of HAS to take her bid, you know? so she makes up some shit about how magnus has kidnapped the lightwood heir and she's only now hearing about it, and no one else is safe and yada yada. and she has "proof" because alec IS indeed there and again the spell just helps everyone easily agree with her that magnus is That Kind Of Guy or whatever, and middle ages ppl weren't exactly waiting for a good enough reason to grab their pitchforks. and they don't even KNOW about the spell, really. all they know is that he's very powerful, secluded, and they all fear and almost hate him just from one look

so camille makes up some bullshit story about how he made a deal with the devil to become extra powerful, and that the source of his powers is the rose, so they have to get rid of the rose to kill him. (sidenote: i never understood why the hell the rose was never used as a weakness against the beast. like was he keeping it super guarded and safe just for the fucking shits?) so they devise an attack so someone can sneak up and get the rose, and camille makes up some bullshit story about how they have to destroy the rose a specific way so it takes longer and she has time to manipulate magnus before he dies. man, it's easy to be a villain when your target is secluded

anyway! big attack at magnus' house. magnus' friends don't hear about it until it's too late because camille knows exactly who they are and warned them that they were on "the witch's" side. alec is maybe away hunting when it happens? camille obviously has magic in this AU so she can check for that information. maybe she even says that she will be the one responsible for finding the lightwood heir so there is minimal risk of him revealing that she lied lmao

oh no, violence! they battle and yada yada. catarina is probably the first one to realize what is happening because i figure she, madzie, and dot are the ones who live closest to magnus'. they send fire messages and get ragnor, simon, maia, raphael, and meliorn to help. oh yeah, and alec i genuinely forgot trust me to forget about romance in a romance-focused au. but alec is the only one of them without any magical resources and he's far away and on foot, so he's gonna be the last to get there, which camille had been counting on

but alec or no alec, they can keep the attackers at bay because they're all powerful and smart and shit and a lot of them have magic as opposed to the mundanes who don't, but of course that's mostly because they are holding off on attacking and the invasion is mostly a distraction because their PLAN is to use the rose. and camille tells them all to leave once the petal puckering starts so she can "protect them from any lashouts" (have her big villain speech). and it's not like any of magnus' friends is gonna leave to go after them when magnus is dying, bUT they also won't attack camille because she's his only hope. and they won't be able to get to stop the rose plucking in time because that's in another room and while she made it slower than something that the person can use to kill him in a second it's also not slow enough for them to get there on time (maybe there's a spell against magic use near where magnus keeps the rose? just for extra safety, so the ones with magic can't portal there or whatever)

anyway. big villain speech. magnus screams in pain every time a new petal is plucked. his friends are either running to the rose thing desperately or trying to get camille to stop this madness, she's going to kill him for fuck's sake. i don't know which chooses to do what so you can figure that out i guess. and for that extra drama, right when the last petal was going to be plucked, wee woo alec lightwood arrives! and he went straight for the rose because magnus had told him about it and he figured that there was a good chance the attackers might go for it. so he shoots the person's leg or something and gets them away from the rose and yay, day saved! mostly. because now there is only one petal left to fall before magnus dies, so at the very least, his lifespan has been shortened considerably. also, he is still in pain

i'm torn about what happens to camille then. on the one hand, i love killing camille! bonding activities for the whole family. on the other, she kinda is the only one who can save him now. they all know magnus won't want to get back with her, but hey, it's not like camille wants a relationship! she wants magnus to be her asset. a relationship was just the best way to get him to do that she had initially. but magnus doesn't want to cave and be dependant of her, so, you know. but maybe they can try to convince her to stop this fucking madness, god knows how

so okay yeah no camille-killing yet because they don't want to jeopardize magnus' safety, so she just leaves convinced that either way, she wins, and this might be the best possible scenario actually because magnus will have lots of times to think it over and be real desperate and come to her and strike a deal. so, yay her! she just needs to lie to the mundanes that the mission was successful or whatever, and it's not like that's gonna be hard because magnus won't want to be seen there again, so

we are all running to check up on magnus now. he's kinda like, on the ground coughing blood, but he'll live for as long as the last rose doesn't fall. still, they all settle on trying to help him, getting him in bed, tending to his wounds, etc. and thinking about what the fuck they are all going to do now. so you have raphael and maia making magnus soup, simon running his mouth as he throws around ideas on how they can fix this, ragnor, cat, dot, and madzie (who is here now that the danger is over ofc) checking and rechecking magnus' vitals for the billionth time and trying to figure out how much time they have, meliorn using their fae powers to stop his pain. and madzie is all snuggled in bed with magnus holding his hand and asking if he wants her to tell him a bedtime story, and magnus just... feels cared for and loved

alec meanwhile i think would tell what ACTUALLY happened to the person who was doing the rose thing - i actually have thought about it and think it might make sense for it to be luke. just because i love him and it kinda fits the whole "initially sided with shadowhunters, lately became a downworlder" thing. and like luke genuinely believed he was saving a person/people so alec brings him in too and magnus is all "catarina, dear, can you help heal his leg? i would, but i don't think i have enough magic right now" because he is the sweetest man immediately wanting to help the guy who almost killed him. and luke is in awe

(and alec brings him on purpose, too, because he knows that anyone who actually talks to magnus for a little while will see what an amazing person he is. and he hopes that luke, as a mundane, can tell the others that and turn them against camille)

and after that, of course, alec sits down by magnus' side and Does Not Leave. he's just there holding his hand and talking to him and magnus' friends, who are all also kind of. sitting there, trying to snuggle up in a gigantic pile of like 10 ppl to cuddle close to magnus and make sure he feels loved and cared for and that they know he is real. madzie gets special privileges in that sense because she's smaller and also a kid, so she gets to be kinda snuggled up with him. so alec has to be content with holding magnus' hand lmao (which he is, he's just happy that he's alive and okay. and he has a whole plan to get camille to undo the spell, mostly involving getting the mundanes against her and telling her that she is only safe for as long as magnus lives, because once he dies, she will have a bunch of ppl who will hunt her down to the faces of the earth to make her pay for what she did to him. the only reason they didn't do that yet is because she can still save magnus' live, so is she really going to let him die knowing that she will be next?)

so alec takes his hand and tells magnus that they will fix this, he promises, and give a little kiss on magnus' hand. just a little peck, no deep intentions, but magnus gasps a little because he feels something, and his eyes water a little bit because he's so touch starved and tired and hurt and alec kissed his hand and he can feel this kind of ache inside him, somehow a good ache, but he just can't explain it. and so alec notices his watery eyes and he very tenderly wipes his tears away and tells him that they're all on his side, will always be, and kisses him on the forehead. and this kiss? this kiss is full of adoration and love and purpose, and magnus gasps and the wounds that hadn't been healed suddenly mend together, and the petals that had fallen go back to the rose before it disappears in a beautiful flash of light, and suddenly magnus' magic is back full force and he just looks at himself for a second, and everyone erupts into joy because holy shit, the spell is broken

and alec is so confused because again! he didn't kNOW about the whole true love's kiss thing or he would have asked magnus to let him kiss him as soon as he learnt about his feelings, because even if magnus didn't feel the same way, alec could undo the spell. and he's like "why the hell didn't you tell me?? we could have fixed this months ago" and magnus is like "i didn't think it would make a difference. wait, you're in love with me? have been for months?" and alec is like "first of all, yes. second of all, i have nothing else to say, i just said 'first of all' because i was so indignant"

and magnus laughs and jumps on him and kisses him on the mouth this time and they are both smiling and laughing into it and so so happy. and raphael is kind of just peppering kisses on maia's face too, like, "you were right, he undid the spell, thank you" and maia was never sure that this would happen but she will take the credit actually please and thank you

and they all live happily ever after and kill camille together the end i guess. god this post was so long i'm so sorry

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frenchphobic · 3 years

Text

long fucking post on why a c!dream is a shitty person and probably should not have a redemption because it is unpog

honestly i just want to refute dream apologists thats why im making this post. i think that dream as a villain is interesting but i think that trying to make him out to be secretly a good guy is just bad ngl. also /roleplay and all

tw for abuse and mentions of suicide

dream as a villain

dream is a villain. he is chaotic evil according to wilbur, deliberately does not stream to appear less sympathetic (and yet), and is set up as an antagonist to tommy who bears the title ‘hero’. dream is not a good person, no matter how you look at it or try to justify his actions.

‘but he wants to unite everyone to be a big family :((’ the ends dont justify the means believe it or not. having a vaguely positive goal does not excuse the actions you’ve done. it also goes hand and hand with saying dream is correct for punishing tommy the way he did because he acted up. if i socked you across the face and then suddenly said ‘sorry there was a roach on ur face’ does that make it okay? probably not i still punched you, enacting an unnecessary amount of violence. thats a very simple analogy i will admit and there are more complex comparisons. another example off the top of my head is say a child just scribbled all over you walls with crayons. would hitting them be a justified answer? if u said hes thats really fucked of u go seek help u loon. violence as a punishment is very toxic, just because it gets the job done does not mean it is okay. at the end of the day, you still committed this act and the harm you caused is real, having a good motive doesnt suddenly make it okay.

‘but tommy causes all of the conflict’ the disk war wasnt even caused by tommy, it was sapnap and then tommy got involved. and the reason why tommy even caused conflict was because of the discs, because he wanted them back. and most of the time there was a level of antagonism from another party, such as schlatt exiling him, dream taking the disks in the first place, dream threatening l’manberg. and if dream wanted to end the conflict so badly, why didnt he just give tommy back his disks? tommy upfront said everything started with the disks, so he wants them back so he could end the conflict. notice how after tommy got his disks back he has been staying out of conflict, apologizing to everyone, and the only bad thing hes done is try to scam people but everyone does that. this would have been the most peaceful option, yet dream chose the path that would further antagonize tommy which then draws everyone else into conflict. why did dream need to have leverage over tommy so badly? why did he want to hold power over tommy so badly? its because of control, and that’s ultimately dreams end goal. sure he wants a big server family, but would said family have a free will?

‘but dream is sad’ the thing is dream is completely at fault for everything that happened to him. he pushed away sapnap (and george ig). he tried to take control over the server and their possessions. literally everything that happened to tommy. literally everything involving ranboo. villains can be sympathetic, i am not arguing against that. but it does not mean that they should be left off the hook. that doesnt mean u should ignore the shit theyve done because ‘oh no theyre sad’ because it doesnt make anything better. dream had this shit coming for him.

now people also skirt around calling dream an abuser. which is fair ig, its a very loaded word. its much easier to say manipulated. that being said, dream can classify as abusive. and no, tommy is not abusive. abuse is about control and a power imbalance. dream has power over tommy, but tommy does not have power over dream, at least not in the way dream does. he’s taking back power to stand up for himself, dream uses power to control.

the reasons i listed for why dream is from the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project so if u want a source on that, there you go.

using coercion or threats: dream often threatened tommy, such as the pit thing and often employed violence on him. while normally this could be attributed to Normal Minecraft Player Go Smack. minecraft mechanics cannot always translate to real world since violence is pretty normal in minecraft however we also need to consider the context of the scene. dream gave an order, tommy refused, dream applies violence, tommy submitted. thats why its a threat, it has tangible effects that can correlate to real life.

using intimidation: dream blew up logsteadshire as a punishment. dream also destroyed tommys items anytime he visited. dream also hit tommy with his axe i believe. he killed mushroom henry, one of tommys pets.

Using Emotional Abuse: dream guiltripped the shit out of tommy for just hiding things and pinning the blame on tommy for just wanting his own private items. he definitely played mind games on tommy, pretending to be his friend. honestly i probably dont even need to go as in depth because it was so obvious.

Using Isolation: putting him in exile in the first place. destroying the bether portal so no one could visit tommy anymore. i really dont think i need to expand upon that.

Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming: dream in tommys stream when he got trapped said that exile wasnt that bad. he does shift the blame onto tommy for logsteadshire being blown up, even though dreams reaction was entirely unjustified for not listening and hiding.

Using Economic Abuse: see this is where i attempt to parallel minecraft mechanics to real life. obviously, there is no monetary system in place, so when i mean economic, i will use valuables such as armor, food, etc in place of currency. the idea behind economic abuse is to limit the victim’s resources so that they are dependent on the abuser and cannot escape. dream only really allowed tommy to have the armor he gave him while not giving access to armor so he does not regain a sense of power, and in the prison stream, dream holds all the potatoes which puts him in a position of power over tommy. this argument is more ambiguous i feel cause the whole minecraft mechanics thing is kinda weird so u don’t necessarily have to take this part in.

i feel like i need to emphasize this very strongly because dream is not a good person. abuse cannot and should not be a response to someone. its an awful mentality to have. i just want to prove the point that dream is not a good person, his reasons absolutely do not justify his actions.

what makes a good redemption

redemption arcs are tricky. when done right they are great. when done poorly, its a slap in the face. rn im going to establish a formula to what makes a good redemption with an example.

the most well known example of a good redemption is zuko from atla. first, its the magnitude of what theyve done and why. zuko did commit some shitty actions, since he was in a position of power in the fire nation but its because he is a child being abused and wanted to regain honor. zukos real awful acts was season 1 and the whole betrayal thing. thats not to say that zukos actions suddenly are okay, he did shitty things. but its something that can be traced to a higher entity or seem less malicious then the other villains. the thing also about the magnitude of actions is that there is a certain point of atrocities that there is no redemption. some people simply cannot be redeemed because the actions they commit are so ingrained in their character or the action itself has serious moral issues that it would just be wrong.

the next is acknowleding what they did was wrong. a genuine reflection on the self and analyzing what they did and why it was not okay. zuko realized what he did to uncle iroh was bad for example. he turned his back on his father, realizing he didnt and shouldnt seek acknowledgment from someone as heinous as him. its pointing out your actions and going ‘hey, this wasnt right i should not have done this’ and not even excusing ur actions. its also going straight for the root of the problem and figuring out to stamp it from the source. just because a character is sad does not mean they are reflecting, sometimes they are attempting to garner pity. it has to be direct and clear acknowledgement of the injustice.

and finally, an important part about redemption arcs is the actual redemption part. its when you make amends. zuko made amends with katara by trying to help her get revenge, he fought against the fire nation and tried to make things more peaceful in his rule. he apologized to iroh. an important part of the amends section is that it does have to be a genuine desire to change and become a better person, not to change a person’s perception of you. the thing is u cant expect a person youve hurt to forgive you. you cant expect people to be sympathetic towards you nor should u attempt to make urself sympathetic. u shouldnt be expecting a pat on the back or an award. redemption is about internal and character change.

why dream should not be redeemed

ive already established the key points to a good redemption (imo) but heres where dream falls short. his actions are extremely heavy so redemption may not even really be possible. abuse is not something you can wave off so it does cross to the point of fucked up. acknowledgement of what he did was wrong? all he said was that he changed, yet never explained why he changed or was too vague. he needed to label specifically what he did and bring it up. attempting to make amends? he’s been doing the exact opposite in fact he continues to manipulate tommy and ranboo. its not a genuine change. he is still repeating the cycle and has given no indication of ceasing. at the moment he does not have any signs of redemption.

and the thing is most of the attention around a dream redemption comes from either justifying his motives (which i do want to emphasize does not make anything suddenly okay) and because he is sad in prison sad face. these are not good reasons. its gonna pain me severely to bring this up but snape from harry potter does have some form of sad character ig yet he very much abused his authority to bully children as old as 11 just because he said ‘aight gonna die’ doesnt suddenly make his general bigotry and abuse suddenly okay there is a threshold. again im so sorry for using harry potter as an example none were coming to mind and i needed a popular one i do not like harry potter please dont say i do i would pass away.

and the last thing to consider is the audience. keep in mind that the audience is composed of minors and while yes there are adults, minors are the main component of the fandom. keep in mind that there are quite a few people who can relate to tommys character because they might be in the same position or have gone through his experiences. tell me what kind of message does it send to that audience that abusers can be redeemed. this is not a narrative u should push to this audience in these situations and the writers are seemingly aware of it. remember how in exile tommy spiraled into a suicidal mentality? consider how fucked of a message it would be if he just committed suicide instead of escaping abuse and attempting to recover from his experiences. tommy did an excellent job in not going that route and having a message of ‘it will not get better’. its the same thing here. victims are not obligated to care for or forgive their abuser, and portraying an abuser as sympathetic might fuck with the message a lot, even change their perception in that ‘oh, maybe my abuser was right, maybe they had a reason for treating me the way they did’. this is not to say that every victim watching this will internalize this message, but people also look up to these characters. there can be a degree of influence from the story onto oneself and thats the dangerous part.

conclusion

all in all dream is a shitbag asshole and probably shouldnt get a redemption because it would not be pog thanks for coming to my ted talk.

#dream smp #dsmp #tommyinnit #dreamwastaken

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loxxxlay · 3 years

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Can we get the rest of the ball destroying story?

This is a very long and probably anticlimactic story about how I destroyed an attorney's metaphorical balls by not letting him get away with being a toxic pile of shit. I hope you enjoy.

So, the first thing you need to know is that my old boss (whom I will call M) is a real fucking asshole. 1, he voted for trump; 2, he's a creep; 3, most obnoxiously, he treated his previous lead paralegal like a freaking wife.... or actually worse than a wife really... like an object. like a trophy wife. When the lead paralegal left, he basically treated her like she was divorcing him, as if she was an object of his possession. And he was like "you'll NEVER have it better than you have here, and i'll never let you come back." (Funny story: i am one of 5 paralegals there who put in their 2 week notice during June, and they were so panicked that they called this exact former lead paralegal and asked her to come back. -_-)

Okay so anyway, let's cut the story back to about 2 months ago. I have been M's lead paralegal for about 8 months now since the previous one left, and I'm hating it. I'm actively job hunting because M is becoming toxic to me the same way he was to the last paralegal. I needed references, so I asked another attorney who also worked there to be my reference. We will call him T. So T is my favorite attorney. T is the first person I came out to as having a girlfriend at the firm, and he never once betrayed me. He is everything that M is not. He gives positive feedback like he gives out candy, but he's also honest and real in a way that not a lot of ppl are.

So anyway I secretly ask him to be a reference on my resume, and T is like "sure! but well funnily enough, I'm actually leaving the firm in 2 weeks. I can't ethically recruit people while I'm here, so I'm going to end this conversation here, but.... wink wink, nudge nudge, call me in 2 weeks." So I'm like COOL COOL. And we don't speak of it again.

So 2 weeks pass, I continue job hunting, T leaves the firm. He calls me literally the next day, and he immediately is like "I wanna hire you" and I'm like "okay cool, I wanna be hired." So boom I got a new job. Ethically. (I'm serious though, T is a very ethical guy and he did nothing wrong.) So anyway, T is okay with me waiting until my NYU program in June is over, so my start date is July 1. 1 month from then. T also asks me very politely not to tell M where I'm going because it would sour their "friendship" (a.k.a. the attorney world in utah is a small world and he doesn't want M to get his feelings hurt). And I want to be clear, T did not pressure me at all - he asked for a favor, and I decided to do it for him, because I care about him, that's it. If at any point it became a burden for me, I would have changed my mind, and T would have understood.

So, I wait a week until I'm in New York to tell M i'm leaving him. I come up with a brilliant excuse for why I don't want to tell him where I'm going - "I have a few offers and I don't want to talk about it while I'm still deciding" (which wasn't even really a lie). So I call my boss and I tell him I'm putting in my two weeks. And he treats me like he always treats people - he interrogates me. Except this time, he's shocked and upset, so he SUPER interrogates me. It's super inappropriate questions like "why are you quitting???" and "is it because of money???" and "this is SUCH bad timing" - but it's frustrating because he's an attorney and he knows how to dress up these rude questions with politeness. In a way that if I call him out on it, I'll be the one who looks inappropriate. :( It sucked. But luckily I had spent 3 days researching how to approach this, and.... I gave him nothing. He was desperate for fuel to try to convince me to stay or guilt-trip me into working overtime, and I just didn't give him any because I was prepared, and also.... I'm good at this. My mom says I've been good at this since I was 3-years-old lol.

Anyway so unfortunately during the conversation, he asked the question "Where are you going?" and I immediately gave him my excuse. And I expected that to be done and over with. Idk why I thought it'd be that easy... He immediately started trying to guess where I was going. And at what point, he said "are you going to work for T????" and..... honestly guys... I panicked. I lied. I said, "uh, no." flat out lmao. Like, I was just so shocked that he was asking me in the first place. :( But weirdly, he believed me and that was that (or maybe he filed away the lie for later use as you'll see). I also want to make it clear here that I, at first, wasn't telling M where I was going because T had asked me to... but at this point, with how nosy and inappropriate M was asking, I didn't want to tell M anymore either. It wasn't for T that I was hiding it; it was for me. Like, no M, I don't want you to have any personal details. You're being 150% more of a creep than usual which is impressive considering.

Anyway so I never tell anyone where I'm going except 2 ppl whom I trust on my last day (and yes, one of them betrayed me, which kinda sucks D:). I told T that I had lied to M, and T was like "it's okay, if he finds out, I'll have ur back" and also... I told T I go by Echo instead of my legal name/dead name, so I'm fine with the lie because M will probably never find out anyway. and T was delighted and super supportive of my enby identity. ^_^ It's cute because he never called me by name, but now all of his texts and statements deliberately start out with my name as if to remind me that he supports it lol.

Anyway so flash forward to my new day at the job. It's going great. I love it there. And then I check my phone and I see this fucking text:

M: "I hear you work for T now. I wish you the best, but I specifically remember asking you if that's where you would be working, and you said no."

Like.... what the actual fuck? He never texts me, and also I've been gone from his firm for like a day.. max... have some chill, lmfao. like. At first, I was REALLY upset. Not in a "i feel bad for lying" kind of way. I couldn't care less about that. More in a "i feel like i'm being stalked, one of two close friends betrayed me, and also what the fuck, why are you texting me this??" #yikes. But then that night, I was talking to my dad about it. And I became super amused? Like. What is he going for here? What does he want me to say? What response does he hope that I'll give that will make him feel better? Does he want me to call him crying and begging for forgiveness and for my job back? Like? I genuinely sincerely want to know what the fuck he was expecting me to say. I want to understand what was going through his head lol.

And of course, because I am a passive aggressive bitch, I immediately catch on to the fact that he is Butthurt (shocking, I know). His feelings are hurt. An object of his, his very own lead paralegal, lied to him outright and he didn't see it coming! How dare she! He wants to make me feel hurt like he feels hurt, and he's a lawyer, he knows how to interrogate people and manipulate people and get them to suck his dick, idk. So he should be able to use those skills to make me feel bad for lying. He wants to one-up me. But see, what he didn't realize is that....

1, I don't feel guilty for lying to him... at all... like, it took me a couple hours to realize this, but the only negative emotion it made me feel was discomfort and fear. not guilt. the same way i feel when a strange man asks me for a hug, and i feel like refusing would look "rude." Like, there's nothing guilty about that. So yeah. His goal is to expose my guilt to make himself feel better, but... my guilt doesn't exist, so good luck

2, um, like I said earlier, I've been a passive aggressive bitch since the day I was born, unlike this bitch who had to go to college to learn how to do it, and not only that - I'm better at it than him. lmfao. His pride is gonna take a hit.

so I toy with the idea of ignoring him because I know that will really fuck him up and make him constantly think about it and check his texts to see if I've responded. But then T tells me that it's probably better to not burn a bridge because again.... super small world here.

So anyway lol, my response ends up being pretty simple but painstakingly constructed:

"Thank you! :) It wasn't an option at the time - it was a new development after you and I had already talked. I wish you the best as well."

The "Thank you! :)" to seem like I am utterly oblivious to the hidden accusation and passive aggressiveness. The middle sentence to be like "uh, are you really accusing me of lying right now?" and the last sentence, my favorite, to shut down the conversation forever. Now, if he responds, he already lost. Because there's no way to continue this conversation without exposing the fact that his "I wish you the best" was completely insincere. I've stripped away his ability to respond fake-politely (which is his modus operandi), and I've forced the last word on him.

Also, even better... (and no one has any way of proving this, least of all him, but) that statement (the "it wasn't an option at the time - it was a new development after you and i had already talked") is completely a lie on my part, and he knows it. T offered me the job the Monday after he left. There's no way he doesn't know that. So not only did I show obliviousness and not only did I shut the conversation down, I outright stonecold lied a second time. And there's no way for him to call me out on it. Like what could he even do? Send me a screenshot of my hire date? Send me a screenshot of an email I sent to a coworker? If he tries that, he's already lost again because like ... obviously super immature... it would be so easy to crush him with niceness like "Wow, I can tell this has really bothered you!" hahahhaha. Sadly he's smart enough not to do that, but it must be infuriating to know I'm lying and not be able to accuse me.

As an attorney whose literal job it is to catch & expose people lying, he literally watched me flat out lie to his face. Twice. And I didn't feel bad about it. And there was nothing he could do about it either time. He went to law school for this shit, and he still can't out-passive-aggressive me, the classic bitch.

Anyway so T apparently he showed his wife M's message, and she was like "oh my god what an asshole!!!" which I must admit was extremely validating!! And then he showed his wife my message, and she made a shocked face and said "wow she's good." And I always thought T was kinda just flattering me to be nice when he complimented my use of words in defusing angry clients and conveying info about a sensitive subject... but apparently his wife thinks so too, so I guess he's been more serious than I thought. I feel so.... complimented.... it's weird.... but I"m very happy and squeeing.

It's been like almost 24 hours and M has yet to respond to me, and if he does, he's already lost. I'll eviscerate him.

So like I know this story is probably disappointing and might not seem like I shanked his balls, but ... take my word for it because if u knew what a chaotic insecure pathetic mess he was and how he desperately claws for control by trying to intimidate and upset all of his employees (and pretty much always succeeds), then you'd understand that he's NEVER encountered something like this before. Someone literally just not giving a shit what he thinks about them. And from what I know of him, I promise you that this has certainly fucked him up for a good long while. And that makes me happy :')

#lox replies #tismannyv14

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dragimal · 4 years

Text

ok this is like. MAJORLY self-indulgent, self-psychoanalyzing rambling so I’m putting it under a readmore, but my thoughts have been spinning in circles over this for like. practically my whole teen/adult life. and I just need to put it down somewhere

idc if anyone wants to read this or respond or anything, again I’m just basically trying to vomit out my thoughts until something makes sense

so like. anxiety. I know I have it, that’s the ONE Problems Disorder I’m 100% certain I’ve got, to whatever degree it matters

but that’s kinda the thing-- to WHAT degree, and DOES that matter? at what point can I say it’s a legitimate part of me, and at what point is it something negligible and unobtrusive?

b/c here’s the other thing-- anxiety is, in fact, a strong aspect of my self-image. it’s something I associate strongly with as a character trait, and I tend to relate to ‘meek’ characters

I know part of it is a defense mechanism. I had to make myself small, being raised by my mom. she’s a whole other rant, but essentially she’s a very defensively prideful person, and any attempt to steer a conversation towards your own accomplishments/needs/interests is met with a blank look and a swift topic change back to herself. (and god forbid u bring up her faults, that would guarantee manipulative guilt-tripping at best, screaming and crying at worst)

but there’s also another convoluted level to this defense mechanism. I recognized at a young age, on some subconscious level, that pride was/is my mom’s greatest downfall. so I internalized that as, “pride (and even more broadly, confidence) is bad and and a danger to those around you”

not to be Homestuck on main, but Dave’s first conversation with Dirk struck me on a level of personal experience that few other pieces of media have ever hit, particularly this bit

obviously the physical aspect of this abuse is beyond me, but the emotional manipulation, and Bro subsequently ruining a generally positive concept (the concept of heroism, in his case) hits incredibly close to home

my mom exuded confidence and always told me that confidence in myself over all else would save me, but she ultimately ruined confidence for me. I know there will always be this underlying thread of fear that if I’m not afraid-- that if I allow myself confidence-- that I will become like her. that I’ll hurt people with my pride

now this is all shit that I’ve known abt myself for a long time, and I know I’ve even mentioned some of this in passing before. but here’s what’s fucking me up nowadays: what happens when you cling to anxiety like this? what happens when you craft a disorder into your personality? where does subconscious reaction end and deliberate masking begin?

b/c here’s the other thing: I don’t truly hate myself. not rly-- not on the level I would say is dangerous or clinical. some of it may very well be real, but I definitely play it up. like play-acting at under-confidence

and it’s not like I don’t have pride either. I have tons of pride for various things I do or accomplish, namely academic studies, crafting/art, and just like working standards in general. when I can eloquently describe/argue my point, or accurately craft something to my inner image, I feel very real pride

but pride hurts. I feel pride, but equal to that is the shame I feel at feeling pride in the first place. it’s genuinely painful at times to accept a compliment without argument NOT because I necessarily disagree (tho there are definitely times where I DO actually disagree), but to accept a compliment is to admit I have pride in the thing being complimented, and THAT is unacceptable

and it’s not like my fear is unfounded either. I’ve hurt ppl w/ my pride before-- and this isn’t my anxiety making me self-critical, I KNOW this for a FACT. it simply comes with the territory of all that “gifted child” bullshit in school. yeah I was one of those. thankfully not a very outspoken student (the anxiety in my younger days was a lot more real and visceral), but I do still distinctly remember moments where my academic pride gave me an... inflated sense of presence over those that didn’t get the material, I guess u could say

I know there were times I made ppl feel small, due to my pride. hell, times I got overly, fearfully defensive of my knowledge or artistic skill to the point of talking over others and making them feel stupid. no one deserves to feel small, and it fucking tears me up to know that I did that to ppl. that I still knee-jerk react in that way sometimes, even now, and it still slips out

and isn’t that just proof that I can’t appropriately handle pride? that I’m not mature enough for confidence?

and it’s not even all about making myself small for others’ sake. half of it is this incredibly selfish knowledge that not living up to my own standards will fucking kill me if I let it

I feel like every ‘gifted kid’ experiences a chain events that starts at, “wow I’m so smart, I’m great at every subject!” and ends at, “christ I’m fucking garbage at literally everything.” we’re taught that success is in being able to do something well the first time (or at least quickly and with little effort), so if we’re not immediately good at something, we shut down b/c we were never taught that success is actually in the effort at the task

this has been talked to death by others so I don’t want to bother w/ it too long, but the critical thing to note is that there’s there’s this eventual sense of defeat in everything you do, when ur brought up w/ this mindset

I used to be somewhat competitive in certain things when I was younger-- the rare sports I played when I was RLY young, academics obviously, etc. or at least, competitive with my own personal standards, if not necessarily against other ppl. but every failure and mistake made me so upset that the angst was like. genuinely dangerous to my health

I used to play golf on a team in middle school, and every time I whiffed it I would get SO angry at myself that my dad literally told me that that level of upset would kill me someday and that I rly needed to stop

so I took that to heart and just. stopped caring

every time I whiffed it after that point, I was just like, “ah, well, what can ya do ¯|_(ツ)_/¯ ” this attitude definitely lowered my blood pressure, but it also rly killed my motivation to like... improve. b/c the thought of even trying to improve brought up all these feelings abt trying to meet my own standards of success, and how much it would hurt to fail

when u don’t set any standards u gotta meet, then when u fail u don’t rly fail, y’know? “well I didn’t even try, so it’s actually fine”

obviously I couldn’t give less of a shit abt golf anymore, but sometimes I wonder if my cold-turkey drop in confidence played a part in killing the interest itself? I know that sports and physical activity were never rly my thing in the first place, but did I perhaps give up so hard that I convinced myself that I didn’t even like those things in the first place?

I know it happened w/ academics at least: start to struggle with math? now I hate math. chemistry? that sucks too. etc etc

I kinda side-tracked here w/ all the talk of ‘gifted kid’ stuff, my point is that I have a vested interest in humbling myself-- to actively craft the persona of a meek, humble person

and I’ve been wondering if that, in and of itself, is manipulative. like, is it manipulative to let others think I rly lack THAT much in self-confidence? that I rly hate myself that much?

it certainly feels that way when I knee-jerk reject a compliment abt something I do, in fact, feel pride in-- when the shame at that pride is too much. but my friends don’t know it’s that reactive shame-- they think it’s that I rly don’t have confidence in that thing

but god, how do I even explain this fucking tangled, convoluted bullshit over my reaction to compliments? that I have to be small or I’ll hurt someone? that I do feel pride, and that’s the problem? what does that even MEAN to someone outside my own head??

and that’s not even to get into whether that manipulation is like, actually some subconscious tactic to get MORE compliments! am I fishing? when I make a post like this, am I actually just fishing for more compliments? is that what I’m doing??

I feel like I’m running in circles here, nipping at my own goddamned heels abt pride and shame and what is real and acting and does it even matter if nobody gets hurt?

do people get hurt? ppl get hurt when I allow myself pride, it’s happened before. but now I’m realizing that my self-hate may hurt ppl too-- my self-deprecation often goes too far, and it hurts the ppl who care abt me

how do I explain that self-deprecation is safe? a shield to hold back my pride? hell, it’s more accurate to say it’s a safe way to EXPRESS my pride in a way that ppl don’t detect. I acknowledge my faults, and if I frame it in a socially-acceptably comedic way, I get the pride of making someone laugh! it’s SAFE pride!

but is it? but is it, when it hurts ppl to hear me self-hate?

is there any way to feel pride safely?

I’ve never thought of myself as an actor, or as someone who can lie well (or at all). but can I lie, when I also believe the lie? is it a lie that I have anxiety? that I hate myself? that I have no confidence?

how much of me is real? how much does that hurt others? how do I carve out the parts of me that hurt others how do I make myself smaller in ways that are genuine and lasting and don’t hurt people??

I want to be small. I like being small. but am I small? or am I playing at being small?

I don’t know. I don’t know.

(cashing in on that safe comedic validation babeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy)

#long post #shut up ashley #also @ my friends who may read this:#if it feels like I'm vagueing I'm not like. trying to do that #it's just genuinely easier for me to lay this out in an open format #rather than bring it up in a conversation #I have no idea what the FUCK I'm talking abt right now

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naptis-lucis-caelum · 6 years

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Could you please write a drabble for the chocobros where they knew their s/o haven't shed a single tear in their life until they broke down where they reveals that tears make them look weak and vulnerable. Hence why, they didn't cry.

FEED ME ALL UR ANGST!!!! apologies if the requests take a while, I spend most of my time at work and I do my best not to give half-assed outputs. enjoy!

“Welcome home!” Prompto greeted you cheerily.

Exhausted, you dropped your bag on the floor and went straight for the couch. Your sunshine boy cuddled up to you, feeling the fatigue radiating off you. His loving embrace was comforting, but the piled up stress of school was starting to get to you. You let out a deep sigh, and when Prompto realized his hug wasn’t taken your stress away, he planted a long kiss on your forehead.

“What’s wrong, chocobabe?” he asked, worry filling his baby blue eyes.

“I’m just–” your voice vanished into thin air. You finished off, “Stressed.”

Noticing the withdrawal of your voice, he knelt on the floor right across you. One of his hands held yours tightly while the other gently brushed your cheek. Prompto bit his tongue; he knew you well enough to know that if you were prepared to tell him what was bugging you, he wouldn’t have to pry.

You knew him well enough to know that he knew that.

You trust him. You love him.

After a long period of silence and much deliberation, you opened your floodgates for the first time in years.

Your sudden change in emotion took him by surprise. “Six–” He sat back down and held your face. “You’re crying. Okay, you’re crying,” he said, although it sounded more like a reminder to himself.

“I’m sorry!” you whined, unable to stop your tears.

“No, no!” Prompto exclaimed in a panic as he began to kiss every open spot his marksman-trained eyes could see. “Please don’t be sorry, just…”

He took a deep breath, wrapping you in his arms protectively.

“It’s okay. You can cry.”

You eventually ran out of tears to cry, but you were unsure how long you’d been crying. It didn’t matter to your boyfriend, though. He held you firmly and never let go throughout your unanticipated ordeal.

“So…” he trailed off when you pulled away. “Are we going to talk about what happened or…?”

You laughed dryly, “I’m really sorry, Prompto. I… don’t cry a lot.”

“You don’t say?” he retorted, slightly amused with his sally.

“I just can’t afford to look weak and vulnerable, that’s all,” you shrugged nonchalantly.

“Hey.” He leaned your backs against the couch and placed his arm around you. You looked up at him, getting distracted by his the sight of his freckles up close. “You’re not weak. You’re not vulnerable.”

You nodded, half-heartedly agreeing with him, but it was obvious to him that you weren’t buying it.

“It isn’t easy to get in touch with your feelings all at once, and I promise I won’t force you,” he said. “But whenever you want to–whenever you’re ready–I’m here.”

If you hadn’t just outcried your tear ducts, you were fairly certain you would be tearing up again.

“I’ll always be here.”

You sat on the wooden chair, staring at the unconscious body of Noctis dressed in hospital garments and never-ending wraps of bandages. It’s been almost 48 hours and your beloved hasn’t moved an inch. His vitals read steady, but being this deep asleep after an unfortunate daemon encounter didn’t ease your troubles.

Exhaling, you rested your forehead on his stationary arm. Your right hand crept up and softly held on to his, simply to reassure yourself of his pulse.

But of course, you couldn’t help but let your anxieties get the best of you.

Nightmarish thoughts of the Prince sleeping into a perpetual coma and even worse flooded your mind. The thought of living your life without him forced its way into your imagination; how you would go home to an empty apartment, or how’d you never get to fish with him in Galdin Quay, or how the Lucian people would never see his coronation–

This was all too much.

Your brain began to pick up the signals of your heartache, prompting your vision to blur with heavy tears. You leaned over and pressed your forehead against his, letting the teardrops hit the edges of his ear.

“Please wake up, please wake up,” you whispered. “Don’t leave me.”

The walls reflected nothing but your tempestuous sobbing and the cyclic pattern of his breathing.

You sat back down and resumed to your previous position. “Come on, Noct,” you murmured between loud snivels. With your eyes closed, you kept your fingers sandwiched his index and thumb and repeated to yourself,

“Wake up… wake up… wake up…”

Snapping out of what seemed like a half-asleep dream, your head shot up at the hospital bed’s abrupt weight shift. It took you a moment to decide whether or not you were in a dream, but the moment his ocean eyes met yours, you were convinced.

“Noct!” you exclaimed softly, carefully positioning your forehead against his once again.

His thumbs slowly moved across your face, taken aback by the tears attacking your soft skin. “Hey, princess,” he said weakly. “Why are you crying?”

“I’m…”

You closed your eyes for a second and allowed yourself to feel the happiness, relief, and solace in his awakening.

“You’ve been out for almost 2 days and I just–” You shook your head, “I’m just really glad you’re awake.”

“That makes two of us,” he agreed.

“Look, I know I’m not super invested in my emotions,” you began, a part of you silently cursing yourself for admitting your frailty. You continued, “But that’s only because I always thought crying made me weak and vulnerable.”

He chuckled lightly, “And you hate being weak and vulnerable, I know.”

“I love you, Noct.”

The corner of his lips quirked up to a small smile, and you could’ve sworn his cheeks had flushed the darkest shade of red imaginable.

“I love you too. And I’m sorry for getting you so worked up.”

He mustered all his strength and caught you in the middle for a tender kiss. You pulled away quickly, helping his head land back on his pillow. You propped yourself close enough without hurting his wounds as his thumb affectionately rubbed over your knuckles.

“But I mean,” he shrugged. “If this is what it takes to make you cry, I’d be more than happy to receive additional stab wounds.”

You rolled your eyes at his comment and flicked him mercifully as a warning. “That was so not funny!”

“I know babe,” he snickered. “But you loooooove me. You want some of that special Prince Noctis lovin’, huh?” he teased, moving his eyebrows up and down in faux seduction.

You shook your head in an attempt to stifle your laugh, “Keep that up and the only lovin’ Prince Noctis is gonna get is from his hand.”

One of the things that made Gladio fall for you was your emotional strength. Coming from a family sworn to protect the royal family made it easier for him to follow his head over his heart. However, he didn’t think he would ever find someone even more rigid than he was.

And that was starting to become a problem.

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?” he fumed, sitting on the other side of your dining table.

You shook your head and shrugged, “Because it’s not important?” You couldn’t wrap your head around why he was blowing his lid off.

“Not important?” he scoffed. He leaned his upper body towards you, fists planted on the wooden surface. “This guy’s been trying to get with you for months and you hid it from me! How could you not call this important?”

“Because it’s not important to me!” you loudly retorted, feeling your own anger rising. “I didn’t accept any of his advances, I always left him on read and never replied to his messages, and I don’t even talk to him at work so frankly, I don’t get why you’re whining about this.”

“Oh, so telling you how I feel is counted as whining now?” he sneered at you. “You’re unbelievable,” he muttered under his breath as he walked away.

You quickly followed him into the living room. “Why the hell are you so bothered over some dude I don’t even give my time of day to?”

“It’s not him I’m bothered about,” he answered, keeping his eyes glued to the black screen of the television. “It’s you.”

“Me.” you reiterated. You added, “I’m bothering you for not reacting to the situation.”

“You’re bothering me because nothing matters unless it matters to you!”

This is the first time Gladio’s ever raised his voice at you.

“You can be really selfish, you know that?” he pointed out. “You seem to forget that there are two of us in this relationship. Not one, two.”

You balled your hands into tight fists, “That is such bullshit.”

He scoffed once again, rolling his eyes at your refusal of the truth. “Of course it’s bullshit, because you don’t care how the people around you feel,” he spat out. “As long as you’re drifting on your cloud of casualty, you couldn’t give less of a shit about how anyone else feels!”

Your apparent stone cold heart immediately thawed upon hearing his words. Did your own boyfriend really think that badly of you? Is that seriously how you make him feel?

You looked down and closed your eyes in shame.

“Gladio…” your eyes moved up and rested on him.

“I get that it sucks to feel,” he stood up. “But if you hate feeling so much, then I shouldn’t be here,” he finished quietly, looking over at you.

Your softened heart quickly dissolved into nothingness. He waited in silence for a minute, maybe two, but no sound came out of you. As much as you wanted to move your lips and tell him how much he meant to you, your body was immobile. You were screaming his name in your head over and over again but vocalizing it was a different story.

He sighed in defeat, shaking his head and looking up at the ceiling. Gladio knew that if this wouldn’t get through to you, nothing would.

“I have to go.”

He walked past you without hesitation. The creak of the front door snapped you out of your petrification, causing you to finally move before he closed the entrance completely.

“Gladio please, wait,” you squeaked as you turned around. “I’m… I’m sorry.”

He cocked a brow and stared at you. Were you… crying?

You released a silent sigh of relief as he leaned his beefy physique against the door frame. “You’re right,” you nodded. “I am selfish. I wasn’t–I wasn’t thinking about how it might affect you, and… and…”

Oh, now you were crying.

Watching the tears form by the corner of your eyes and stream down the sides of your face was a first for Gladio. He stood frozen for a split second, only rushing towards you after hearing a loud (and mucus-filled) sniffle. He enveloped you in an embrace, softly holding the back of your head with his mighty hand.

“I’m sorry for being such an ass!” you sobbed. “I’m sorry for being so insensitive! I’m sorry for c-crying!”

“Calm down, babe. Don’t be sorry.”

You shook your head, “I swear I’m not weak!”

He pulled away with his hands on your shoulders. He bent down to meet you at eye level, “I don’t think you’re weak. I never thought you were.”

He wiped your tears and pulled you back in. Your tear-stained face dampened his black tank top, but neither one of you could care right now.

“Contrary to your belief, crying doesn’t make you weak,” he reminded you. “I’ve had my fair share of tears, but I can still kick Noct, Prompto, and Iggy’s asses with one hand and a blindfold.”

You chuckled, “But not mine in Mario Kart, apparently.”

“Mmph… Ignis?” you groaned drowsily.

The bed’s shift in weight indicated that he was finally home. It also indicated that he missed date night… for the fourth time in a row.

He whispered, “Go back to sleep, my love,” but even the affection in his voice couldn’t stop your emotions from festering.

You nodded, trying to ignore the mixture of disappointment and sadness building in the pit of your stomach. You turned the other way and allowed him to spoon you from behind. As soon as his shoulders began to move in time with his breathing, you cautiously removed yourself from his grasps and slipped into the bathroom.

The moment you turned the light on, the first thing you saw was your worn out reflection in the mirror: dark circles, pale skin, and misty eyes.

If Ignis Scientia ever caught you crying, you would drop dead.

Thankfully, he was deep asleep on the other side of the door.

You fell to your knees, tightly clasping your mouth shut as sobs began to vibrate the palm of your hands. Your pathetic facade at acting indifferent towards his recent shortcomings slowly came undone tear by tear.

Suddenly, a half-asleep Iggy opened the bathroom door. Hand still rubbing his eyes, he initially failed to notice what you were doing.

“Is everything–”

Seeing your figure on the floor was enough to jolt him awake and into a panic. “Six!” he exclaimed as he quickly knelt down beside you. He grabbed a hold of you, checking every part of your body. “Are you alright? Are you in pain?”

You remained silent. Once he examined every inch of your exposed skin, his head moved up to see the horror of tears on your face.

“Darling…” he murmured, slowly reaching for your cheek.

“No!” you swatted his hand away. You held up your fingers, “Four nights straight, Ignis. Four!”

He was dumbfounded at two things: one, you referred to him as Ignis rather than Iggy or one of your mushy nicknames, and two, seeing you cry. You barely teared up over any situation, and being the reason behind your current predicament broke his heart in half.

“I always swore I would harm the catalyst of your tears,” he remarked in a low voice. “But I never thought I’d be that person.”

His hand reached out to your face once more, warily this time in case you were to swat it away again. You flinched at the touch of his thumb caressing your cheek. His emerald green eyes shone apologetically, hiding behind groups of dirty blonde hair resting against his forehead. You leaned your head to the left, caressing your soft face on his coarse hands.

“I’m well aware that I’ve been… lax with my promises recently, and for that I apologize, my love.”

He moved closer and moved his other hand on your empty cheek.

“You are worth everything and more,” he reassured you, kissing your forehead and cradling your upper half. “Nothing and no one in this world will ever take me away from you.”

“I’m sorry, Iggy,” you sniffled.

He placed a gentle kiss on your lips then proceeded to get rid of the last reminders of your tears. “You’ve been staying awake for me the past four nights–you have nothing to apologize for.”

“No, for… for crying,” you corrected him. “I know that I must look like such a wimp right now and honestly, I’m ashamed for letting you see this side of me.”

Well, Ignis could add that to the list of things he was dumbfounded at.

“As much as Noct and the others like to poke fun at me for being robotic,” he said. “I’ve never seen crying as a sign of fragility. If anything, it’s quite a bold act, don’t you think?”

You shook your head, “Not really. This was how I was raised, and… It stuck.”

“Your ability to be vulnerable and honest with your feelings signifies your humanity,” he explained. “It’s perfectly acceptable to cry, my dear. We all go through it, and it will never affect how I see you nor the never-ending extent of my feelings for you.”

“And what exactly are those feelings?” you asked with a playful grin.

“It all depends on the mood, kitten,” he answered with the same zest. “It’s always stemming from my heart, of course, but there are moments when it’s… bulging from the seams.”

You bit your lower lip, “Shall we go back to b–Iggy!”

Before you could even finish your sentence, your body was already being bridal carried back in to the bedroom. With the lights off, the breeze cool, and the city asleep, you were back in your own world with the man you loved.

#anonymous #naptis writes #noctis x reader #gladio x reader #ignis x reader #prompto x reader #ffxv #ffxv fanfiction #final fantasy xv #final fantasy fanfiction #ffxv request #fluff #ffxv fluf #noctis lucis caelum #gladio amicitia #ignis scientia #prompto argentum

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thedefinitionofbts · 6 years

Text

Error

Pairings: Jeon Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Scifi, Angst, Robot Au

Words: 4.5K

Description: As requested by anon: “have u seen Vixx Error MV?? can i request a jungkook robot au based on the MV?? something along the storyline about after ur tragic death he couldnt live on without you so he made a robot that looks exactly like you and programmed all their memories they had together into the robot. but the police (well more those ppl in black from the MV lol) finds out about it and take actions. and so now you and her are trying to escape together.”

A/N: First off, I’m just going to say I love Vixx’s Error, and I’ve been wanting to write a robot au for a long time coming. I hope you don’t mind that I added my own little twist to this. Thank you for the request!

Jungkook stares at the humanoid robot positioned in front of him, tracing along every edge and curvature of the android that is an exact replica of the woman he has only able to see in his dreams since the day she left this world. Her eyes remained delicately closed, body rigid and lifeless, but her hair flowed naturally down towards her shoulders, and it reminds him of the exact way it used to flutter in the ocean breeze, the exact way it used to embody the familiar scent of her. He continues to gaze at the rendering machine, eyes flickering with ambiguity and swelling with imminent tears threatening to spill over. He is unsure of himself; uncertain of what he has done, and yet he cannot stop his heart from continuing to call out for someone his mind knows is already gone.

There is a kind of stillness in the room that makes Jungkook wholly hesitate one last time. His head throbs as the tiny voice of reason makes an attempt to crawl forward and awaken him, but he squeezes his skull with his hands, shutting it away before it can convince him to stop while he still can. Part of him knows this is not the answer, but a larger portion of him doesn’t care because he’s too close to stop now. He holds his breath, thrashing in his self-created penitentiary, shaking violently and coercing the voice to go away, and when it finally does, he’s ready to proceed without any more disruptions.

An eerie silence looms as the approaching finale instigates the slow churning rise of apprehension in his chest. He inhales and exhales, gradually calming his stiffened body and proceeds to finish off what he started.

After months of burying himself in the lab--designing, experimenting, and building—driven purely by his grief stricken heart and the determination of a madman, he was finally one step away from completion.

This was it.

He was one step away from bringing you back.

…

9 Months Ago

Whoever came up with the five stage of loss was spewing bullshit.

Jungkook has been stuck in limbo, slipping between the stratums of earth and hell for weeks, and the fact that his therapist kept telling him that time will heal the deepest of wounds was infuriating and maddening because Jungkook doesn’t buy any of it, especially not when he’s fully convinced that he has the ability to bring you back.

“Jungkook, are you sure about this? You understand that it’s illegal right?”

“No one has to find out. You won’t tell the authorities, will you?” Jungkook looks at him intently, eyes burning and desperate, nonverbally begging the older male to keep this secret, to hide it between the two of them for as long as need be. Of all the people in this world, Jungkook trusted Yoongi, and he knew for a fact that Yoongi would never rat him out.

Yoongi looks at the younger male with pitiful eyes and has no choice but to let out a defeated sigh. He knows Jungkook won’t listen to him anyways because any sort of reasoning just ends up going through one ear and out the other. Jungkook is too stubborn, too hopelessly in love with his dead girlfriend to think straight, to accept any kind of consolation offered in hopes of getting him to move on with his life because he still thinks it’s his fault.

That accident was a tragedy, and no one could’ve predicted that semi-truck would collide with his SUV that day. But he still chooses to imprison himself in guilt because he insists he could’ve prevented the unavoidable. And Yoongi can’t fucking stand to see him in pain, he can’t bear to see the kid continue to live in perpetual torment brought on by something that he had no control over, but the whole idea of creating a conscious robot did not sit well with the older male.

Yoongi looks back up at Jungkook, who was still waiting for an affirmative response. At least Jungkook wasn’t crying until his tears ran dry or showing up with sunken cheeks and bloodshot eyes from not being able to eat or sleep for days. He was maybe doing a tad bit better after the tragedy that happened three months ago, and although Yoongi doesn’t know if it’s because of this crazy idea or if he’s actually just moving to the next emotional stage of loss, he figures it’s much better to be trusted by the younger male than to be seen as an enemy so that way he can at least be of aid if worse comes to worst.

“No. I won’t tell anyone.” Yoongi murmurs, sighing once more.

Jungkook’s lips curve into the faintest of smiles, something Yoongi hasn’t seen the lights of in a long time. “Thanks.”

And then he’s gone, disappearing for the next six months.

…

Memory download complete.

Your eyes gently flutter open, squinting as your system adjusted to the artificial lights streaming down from the ceiling. Lost in a confused daze, you take a moment to stabilize, scanning the surrounding area to gain some sort of a footing, so at least you could process how to proceed from here. You don’t really feel anything unbearable, nothing you can’t handle with a bit of buffering from your hard-wired code, that is, until you see him.

Jeon Jungkook

The flood of emotions that washes over you the moment you recognize him instantly is overwhelming, to the point where it’s almost too overpowering to fully comprehend, too much for your system to logically handle, which shouldn’t actually be possible but somehow is. He’s looking at you with anticipation, eyes glittering with the tears he’s trying so hard to hold in.

“Jungkook” You voice, stepping forward and throwing yourself into his arms.

He welcomes your embrace immediately, enveloping you in his arms as securely as he can. Caressing your head as you bury your face into the crook of his neck, like he was afraid you would vanish if he didn’t hold you tightly enough. And it feels familiar; the same way it has felt when he hugged you on multiple occasions in the past, only now, it’s even more desperate, and he’s even more unwilling to let go.

“Y/N” He breathes out in relief and rapture as his tears finally tumble over, streaming down his cheeks and onto your exposed shoulders, and you can feel their warmth, the anguish they carry with them, and you can sense his pain in the most undiluted way. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too, Jungkook.” You whisper back despite not being able to understand the precise reason for your response, but seeing him quelled a deeply rooted longing that you are just now becoming hyper aware of. You can fully grasp the cause for his unbearable yearning, the origin of why every inch of his body was conveying elation at the sight of you. However, simultaneously, you felt that there was something important missing, something you didn’t have the means to obtain the link for or find a way to trace it back to the source data.

“You remember me, right?” He pulls away slowly, holding you by the shoulders and searching within your synthetic eyes for that indisputable glint of recognition, the confirmation that his experiment was a success, and he had indeed brought you back. His features are laced with expectancy, and you can tell he’s grappling with the fear that you don’t remember him, and he failed.

You nod your head deliberately, flashing him an endearing smile. “Of course.”

At the sound of your words, he returns the gesture fondly and exhales deeply. “I can’t believe you’re back.” He breathes out, leading you over to the bench and sitting you down beside him. “How do you feel?”

The question catches you off guard, you don’t know why there’s such an opposing mixture of emotions playing inside of you. “Happy to see you.” You blurt out, despite knowing it was a white lie. It hurts, but for some reason you don’t want to tell him that it does.

He smiles again, and the pain within you subsides momentarily. “Me too.”

“I’m sorry I left” The words come out before you’ve made a prediction about the response they would elicit. You aren’t sure if it will work, but you wanted to get one fact straight right away.

A shadow hovers over his irises, and the aching inside of you swells once more. “It was my fault. I should’ve reacted faster.” He lowers his gaze even more. “I wish it was me instead of you.”

You close your eyes, replaying that moment of seeing the girl drenched in blood, lying unconscious in a totaled vehicle, and you understand. You know that you are supposed to be the girl he is longing to see. “No, Jungkook. It’s not your fault. It was an accident, no one could’ve predicted those events to happen that day. And please stop wishing you could’ve taken my place.”

He takes your hand in his, rubbing the back with his thumb in the way you’ve always loved most. “You’re right.” He agrees. “But it doesn’t matter now, you’re here and that’s all that matters.”

His words do not provide you the unadulterated comfort that he intends. They are sincere, but they’re only pieces of the whole that is still broken, and you know it’s only a band aid covering a wound that has not been disinfected. “You’ve been through too much.” You squeeze his hand firmly, leaning your head against his chest just like the way you used.

“Anything for you.” Jungkook doesn’t pay attention to the strange sensation of persuading himself he’s brought you back from the dead. He’s completely fine with allowing his brain to continue tricking himself into thinking you are no different from the girl he lost in that car accident a year ago.

But you on the other hand, are unable to ignore what you perceive to be a miscalculation.

…

“Do you like it?” Jungkook says, walking you into your new bedroom connected to his lab.

You look around at the spacious replica of the old room you shared with him back before you had died, complete with cream colored walls decorated with paintings and photos of the two of you in your happiest moments, a dresser for both of your clothes, your vanity lined with cosmetics and your favorite stuffed animals, his shelf of action figures and comic books, and finally a king-sized bed with white sheets placed directly in the center. It resembled the bedroom from your memories down to the very last detail, and you can’t ignore the bittersweet taste in your heart as you stood there, staring at the visual evidence of Jungkook’s attempt to restore that which cannot be repaired. “You have a very good memory.” You comment.

He laughs for the first time in 12 months, the sound saturating the room strangely foreign to his own ears, but nevertheless completely genuine. “I scanned it and used 3-D printing technology. Piece of cake.”

You throw him a playful grin. “Boastful now, are we?”

“It’s not bragging if it’s the truth.”

“Never heard of that one.” You cock a brow.

Jungkook scratches the back of his neck, realizing it’s been a year since he’s cracked a joke. “It’s been too long, I’ve lost my touch.”

“Well, let’s bring it back then.” You nudge him in the shoulder, and he responds by reaching over and tickling you until you are both squirming on the floor giggling like the good old days.

When the two of you calm down for your laughing fit, you continue to lie on the floor together as Jungkook takes you in his arms once more. And it’s not that you didn’t enjoy being like this with him more than anything else, but the glaring fault line is there again, and it’s cutting into you like shards of glass gripped in the palms of your hands.

“And to think I almost listened when they told me to let you go.” He tilts his head down to look at you, expression unreadable, but you can sense his grip on that shard of glass, and you know he thinks ignoring the blood oozing out of his hand will make the stinging go away because that’s what your system wants you to think as well.

But it’s a lie because the wound is growing deeper.

“It would’ve been less painful.” You tell him, almost wanting to be more adamant about the statement.

He shakes his head. “I’ll never be able to.” He whispers.

The look in his eyes is exactly how you feel when he voices those words. A mixture of emotions that are indescribable except through the endless stories built by all the memories the two of you have shared, and the reality of having a future of infinite possibilities taken away, stolen abruptly so that you are only left with fading pages of a lost life.

You scoot in closer to him and hug him snugly. Taking in every piece of sensory information you are provided in that intimate position. You are listening to every vibration of his body, the sound of his heartbeat, and his calming whispers, and in that instant you can feel yourself inching that much closer to the missing source despite knowing you’ll never reach it.

…

Over the next few weeks, the error that had made itself known since the moment you opened your eyes for the first time is kept at bay through your interactions with Jungkook. From the moment you wake in the morning until the day comes to its inevitable end, he is with you. He is always with you, and the fact that you would never want to have it any other way, makes you feel selfish because you were fully aware that his love for you is more than you deserve. He’s beautiful just like this world he has gifted you the ability to experience, and everything about the days you are allowed to spend with him leaves you breathless even if those ephemeral emotions are artificial. He’s covering your shared wounds with his undying affection until the surface heals while the infection below is allowed to resume spreading beneath the scars, and even though the pain is reduced to a dull throbbing, it never vanishes completely.

But he does it because he can’t let go of you.

And it’s not that Jungkook was very good at hiding his own pain or deceiving himself into trusting that everything was perfect. It was the fact that he had literally become immune to his actions, unable to focus on treating the problem rather than the symptoms. But you completely understand him because he made you feel like your life with him was authentic, existent, and tangible. In his embrace, you are able to set your worries aside temporarily. While listening to his voice you can’t help but believe in his words. Seeing his smile you are gifted the hope that everything can potentially work out. But it wasn’t long before the superficiality of the life you have forced yourself to consider valid is actually counterfeit, and you can never run away from such a fundamental issue.

“Y/N, I have good news!”

“What is it Jungkook?” You turn around to face him as he wraps you in his arms in excitement.

“I’ve figured out how to turn myself into a cyborg.” He announces in an utterly delighted tone that sends your system directly into panic mode.

“What?!” You pull away from him, shaking your head and trying to register his words. “No, why would you do that?”

His smile drops when he realizes your reaction was not the one he had expected to witness. “So we can be together. Isn’t that great?” He peers at you hopefully, waiting for a different response.

Together. For some reason, the word hits you suddenly like a harsh gust of wind that snaps a thick branch off of a tree because you are reminded in that instant of realization that being with him was not right. It was never right to begin with, and no matter how expertly you try to hide your mistake, it always comes back to bite. It is then that the cause of the missing source finally revealed itself, and it only took one decision from him for you to locate the reason for why all of this felt so wrong.

You were not who he assumes you to be, and you do not belong with him in such circumstances.

“Yes, it is” Your voice is detached as you force yourself to agree with him, but Jungkook is too enthusiastic to notice your change in demeanor to read in between the lines. “When will you start?” You inquire, hiding the true motive behind your words.

“Tomorrow” He grins, eyes disappearing only to be replaced by smile lines and a pair of bunny teeth that makes your metal ribcage feel warm, even though it’s not and never will be.

…

There’s an urgent pounding at the door of Jungkook’s lab the next day, right as he is about to render the machine to undergo the transformation.

“Who’s that?” He says to no one in particular, thinking that it was maybe Yoongi coming to check up on him.

You stay silent, watching him closely as he walks towards the door. The trepidation sowing within you is beginning to sprout, but all you can do is wait passively.

“Who-“ Jungkook is cut off as the group of men in black suits forcefully barge in unwelcomed. “Hey!” He shouts as they head straight towards you. “What are you-”

“Grab her!” One of them orders as another man behind him walks up to you and binds both of your arms behind your back.

You scream, but Jungkook is quick to react, sprinting over to your side within a matter of seconds and ripping the suited man off of you.

“We need to get out of here!” He urges, intertwining his hand with yours and making a run for it. You follow as he tugs on your arm, running after him as he keeps your hand gipped firmly within his, and you almost wish you could stay like that forever, that nothing else mattered as long as he was with you.

The two of you run outside, and it’s the first time you feel the warm rays of the sun hit your artificial skin directly. It’s so warm and comforting, a sensation supposedly foreign but so familiar because it’s a physical reminder of all the sunlit days you’ve spent with Jungkook in the past, those from the memories he has gifted you, and it prompts you to momentarily forget that you are running from people who are going to take you away and lock you up because that lovely feeling swelling inside of you is melting everything else away.

“Where are we going?” You shout, keeping your legs moving at the same pace as Jungkook’s.

“The mountains” He replies between raged breaths. “We can hide up there until I figure out a plan.”

You ignore the feeling of guilt that is beginning to nag at you. You hate yourself for putting him through all of this, for continuing to allow him to believe in what the two of you had even though you knew it was wrong. You had known all along. His misjudgment was understandable, but yours wasn't, because your mind was always clear and you’ve always had the power to make things right. You sensed the error in the beginning, and yet you still chose to live in the lie that continues to eat away at Jungkook.

“Don’t worry, Y/N. Everything will be ok. I won’t let them take you away.” His reassuring words hit you like a bucket of ice water and the faint smile tugging at his lips as he turns to glance at you with glassy doe-eyes is a bloodstained dagger jabbing into your chest cavity. And that’s when you realized how much you truly loved him and how unconditionally grateful you were to receive his love despite the circumstances for why he loved you and how flawed everything was, and in that moment you make a promise to yourself that you will end everything and put him out of his misery.

The trail up the mountain is steep, but Jungkook is strong and determined to make it to the top. You watch the trees fly by as the two of you raced though the forest, the sent of musky wood and wild grasses filling your senses and throwing you back to when you and Jungkook had gone camping for the very first time, how happy he was on that day and how that memory seems to only cause him pain now. The contrast only strengthens your resolve, and it wasn’t long before the two of you reach the clearing on the edge of the cliff.

“How could they have found out?” Jungkook shakes his head, covering his face with his hands as he stops to catch his breath. It was impossible, he never let any of the information he was using leak out, and the only other person he told about you was Yoongi. It couldn’t have been him could it?

“I contacted them through my system.” You mumur softly, causing him to freeze in place and his eyes to lift up, meeting yours with growing misunderstanding.

“What?” It comes out as a muted whisper. “You did what?” He takes a step closer and you take one back. “Y/N, why? Why would you tell them?” He rushes up and grips you by the shoulders, examining your body to see if any discernible malfunctions were obvious and he had just been stupid enough to miss it.

You shake your head, fighting your internal system that was trying to convince you what you did was a mistake because it wasn’t, and you knew deep down that you had to do it. “I can’t sit back and watch you ruin yourself any longer.” There are dry tears where real ones should belong in your eyes, and although they don’t stream down your cheek the way they are supposed to, the invisible substance is still able to convey the excruciating agony that has planted itself in the core of your metallic heart. You lift an arm to caress his warm cheek, moistened by his own freshly produced human tears, and he feels so familiar and so endearing that you almost feel alive like her, the missing source that you could never be, and in that infinitesimal second you’re almost able to persuade yourself that despite not being her, you are still real and you have the power to release Jungkook from his self made prison.

So you step back.

Further and further, and it takes all the strength you have to not stop.

“Y/N! NO!!!” He’s screaming, but the world is being drowned out by his desperation. He’s rooted in place, unable to move his numb limbs that are starting to give way. “What are you doing!?” He croaks.

You smile at him one last time before taking the last step towards the edge of the cliff.

“I’m setting you free.”

…

“Listen, Jungkook, I know it’s hard.” Yoongi begins, walking over and settling down on the couch of his apartment next to Jungkook. It had been two weeks since your self-destruction, and Jungkook was finally beginning to wake up.

“I keep making errors” Jungkook shakes his head, balling his hands into fists.

“You’ve only made one error thus far.” The younger male looks up, confused. “Turning her into a robot and thinking that was the equivalent of bringing her back.”

“I thought it worked.” Jungkook’s voice is hollow and empty because he’s not even confident in his own statement.

“I know you programmed her to be identical to Y/N, but she wasn’t Y/N.” Yoongi scoots over quietly and places a tender arm around Jungkook’s shoulder, rubbing his arm calmingly. “You put your memories of her into her, but that’s a completely different standpoint of how Y/N perceived you when she was alive.”

“W-what do you mean? They were memories of us. She knew us. She recognized me.” Jungkook stares off into space, eyebrows furrowing, and head throbbing once more.

“There are two halves of a relationship, two different perspectives that make up the whole.” Yoongi explains. “Those two halves are the same story from opposite points of view. I’m sure she sensed it somewhere along the way, and that’s what made her ultimately destroy herself. She must’ve understood the immense amount of pain you were in and used her artificial intelligence to calculate how to save you.”

“So it would’ve worked if I had somehow used Y/N’s memories instead?”

Yoongi shakes his head sadly. “No matter what you could’ve done, that robot could not have been Y/N. There is only one Y/N in this universe, just like there is only one version of each of us.” Yoongi sighs, pausing to come up with an easier way of looking at the concept. “Look, I don’t want to go into all these theories of what makes us who we are, but I’d like to think there’s much more to us than just flesh, blood, atoms, particles, and even memories. Wouldn’t you also like to think that Y/N was much more than what could be described by ordinary things?”

“Yeah, she was breathtaking and unbelievable in so many ways.”

Jungkook closes his eyes, picturing the last time you smiled at him in the passenger’s seat, how the appearance of your dimples and sparkling eyes made his heart feel so full and warm, like the rays of sunlight that cascade over flowery meadows in the summer and the diamond-like crystals of dazzling snowflakes in the winter. Then his mind drifts over to the you he created with those same memories, the way your artificial features mimicked almost the exact same gesture, making those emotions manifest into tentative form, close enough to feel under the tips of his fingers. And even though it wasn’t the you he had intended to create, he still loved you almost just as much, in almost the exact same way.

“Do you think she loved me?” He asks after a long moment of silence.

“I’m certain they both did.” Yoongi answers.

...

#bts fanfic #jungkook scenarios #bangtan bookclub #sfwbangtan #btswriters #jungkook fanfic #bts scenarios #jungkook x reader #it's not as heavy on the scifi as i normally like to go #but i really wanted to focus on the emotions because the mv really embodied that kind of style #i watched it so many times to try and capture that lol #it's not perfect but #hopefully it's ok #thanks for the request!#requested

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faithfelled-blog · 6 years

Text

PLEASE NOTE : this post deals more with the medical && firearm side of things && touches very little on fan theories ( such as : bethfoot, beth as the cure / being bitten, dawn not being the shooter ) , missing scenes ( such as the scene caught being filmed of beth driving away from grady or whatever was shot in the white houses ) parallels between characters, illusions, the cagey actions of cast && crew && is not meant to attempt to force anyone into believing that beth is still alive && return to the show. if you think she is completely dead, that is 100% okay. the main purpose of this post is to basically show i'm not attempting to make an impossible thing possible with my portrayal. everything covered in this post comes from people in the healthcare field && people knowledgeable in firearms as well as my own research.

LOCATION : contrary to popular belief, head shots are not automatic kills. depending on the angle of the shot ( something no one is s ure of due to the use of dutch angles && theories that dawn is not the shooter ) it is entirely possible that the bullet curved along her skull && missed her brain entirely. in fact, the location of the entry wound is where, should you be shot in the head, you would want to be hit as the chance at survival && even minimum complications is high. even if the bullet did not curve, the parts of the brain potentially hit are not life threatening or even incredibly important compared to other areas && as the brain is remarkably elastic && able to heal itself, it's possible surgery would not even be required.

if it was, indeed, dawn who pulled the trigger, it almost completely proves that the bullet curved at some point. given the low level of the gun, the bullet would have exited at the top of her head as opposed to the back. it is surprising, alone, that she managed to hit beth in the forehead instead of under the chin which, almost always, would lead to an instant kill shot.

THE BULLET : dawns weapon is a 9mm, one of the smallest shown on the show. small bullet means small entrance wound means small exit would. typically head shots on the show are a lot bloodier but they are often done with ricks gun which is a fucking monster. the smaller caliber also means smaller damage done. contrary to what a lot of people say, there is no brain matter when beth is shot. what you see if blood && likely bone from her skull. dawn, on the other hand, is turned into a mess. the caliber of daryls gun is larger so the wound is larger ( it is also possible that given what happened a moment or two before, his aim was a little off, his hand a little unsteady which would also cause great damage. )

the fact that there is an exit wound is a good thing, though it might not seem that way. it means that the bullet is not ricocheting around her skull, working to turn her brain to mush. that, certainly, would have killed her.

HERAPIN : beth was given at least one large dose of herapin at grady : when she wakes, there is a 1,000 ml/cc bag attached to her iv stand. herapin is an anticoagulant, a blood thinner && truthfully, there is no reason from what we have been given in terms of information for her to receive it. while it could potentially be used to prevent blood clots after a bone break, such breaks are typically found in the legs && while you could argue it is used for her arm, the type of cast used soft, padded, removable && replaced throughout her time at grady suggests that the injury on her arm is not that bad. even a fracture, as it is said to be, would require a different sort of cast as opposed to one designed for mobility.

the bag used is also suspect as it is abnormally large. while there are bags that large, they are typically used for accute stroke victims. beths fractured wrist && " superficial head wound " would not warrant such a large dose, especially since grady is all about conserving precious resources. this fact helped cement the theory that beth had been bit && was grady's attempt to find a cute that doesn't involve amputation.

the use of herapin is also possibly the reason her facial injuries were so heavily stitched.

BLOOD : regardless of the herapin, there was very little blood for the type of injury sustained ( one theory is that it is not beths blood at all, but rather dawns ) which backs up the curved trajectory theory. head wounds are notorious for heavy blood flow, even a simply cut has the capability of making you look like a murderer or murder victim. however, the bleeding shown appears to be minimal which suggests clotting. in the handful of moments from the gun shot to seeing a glimpse of the body, the flow has slowed. by the ( odd, contorted ) positioning of beth post fall, we can see that the pool of blood is not that large at all.

this is further backed up by the view we get when daryl carries her out as well as bts footage. she is not soaked in blood as one would assume of a head shot. rather, there is blood on her forehad, the back of her head && very little on her clothes. for a show that seems to have attended the school of ' MORE BLOOD IS BETTER ' this seems odd.

the slow of blood flow suggests clotting which, in turn suggests that she, at least at that point, is still alive. you do not clot when you are dead.

GRADY : when someone asks someone else with a knowledge of firearms or medicine their thoughts of this event, their first reaction tends to be that the injury is survivable && their second tends to be that even if it wasn't, she was shot in the best possible place a miraculously operational hospital. while we don't know the extent of their abilities && just how operational grady really is, we know there is medicine as well as a doctor, one who might feel so inclined to provide aid as a ) beth is not a threat to his position && b ) despite their problems, it seems as he was, to some degree, fond of her. at the very least, it is possible they might feel guilt over what happened.

with an injury such as hers already clotted, likely minimal to no swelling, an exit would meaning there is not chunk of metal chilling in her brain nor is there irreparable damage the most important things would be to clean the site && ensure there is no development of infection. all things that are capable of being done in even a minimally resourced hospital as long as there is someone with medical training.

it's highly likely that, due to it being a head wound, no one thought to check for a pulse. it's common, it happens. emotions are high, instincts tell you a wound like that is fatal, you've spent who knows how long protecting yourself && others with the same sort of attack. we know she was removed from the hospital but after is a mystery. immediately after, they skip ahead, set out with the intention of having us believe tyreese's funeral is beths, something stated on live television.

there was word of a large herd in coda, nicotero himself stating that around 500 walkers were used. there's several walkers deliberately made up to reference beth ( as well as tweets from grady actors about how they might be back, suspicious wording && actions from showrunners && other actors ) sparking a belief that she might have been left behind possibly in a car trunk judging by maggies reaction to finding a walker in the trunk of a car. while it is not ideal, it is not a death sentence. bodies are remarkably resilient when faced with trauma. if her head had truly clotted, it is entirely possible that her body would shut down to protect itself until help arrives so long as it does not take forever,

if there had indeed been a herd, it's possible they would have moved to follow the group. likely, an officer or two would have come to dispatch stragglers in order to keep the area open as it's not near the elevator well where they're shown to to use as a dump. should they have stumbled across her or even known she had been hidden && found a pulse they would have brought her inside for aid should it be possible. despite the things that went on within the hospital, there were people who seemed to genuinely care about helping others in need.

EFFECTS OF INJURY : depending on how the bullet moved inside of her skull, beth could face little to no brain related problems afterward. there would be no loss of motor skills, no loss of verbalization or ability to read or write. however, it is important to note that this is a traumatic injury && the brain will work to protect itself, which may manifest in different ways : amnesia of differing degrees, the switch from primarily verbal communication to write or physical, an increase in anger or violence, faulty facial recognition, etc. how long effects such as these last is never certain && may come && go demanding on the quality of life �� meaning being alone on the road would likely be worse than settling�� down with others who can aid her.

ideally, finding the group would be best toward further healing as the brain would recognize them && work to fill in the gaps, however it could also hurt && hinder depending on the reception given. aggravating her && attempting to force things could easily backfire. likely, the most effective way is to allow her her space to work through things on her own while ensuring that she has someone watching her without applying pressure.

#this #is long #even condensed this is a huge text wall goddamn #honestly most of my time today was spent condensing / typing this up #✦ ﾟ ₒ ❛ darling / dearest / dead ! ( information. )#idk why it shows as messed up on the dash #it's fine until i add the readmore but #i don't want a huge text wall fucking up peoples dashes #it's fine on my page tho ??

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badacts · 7 years

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oh man go wild with the daemon au, nurture it, do never stop because holy crap it's perfect ur perfect ily

:)))))

(part one) (part two)

Andrew is waiting for Neil in the stairwell, Amaranth a silent shadow at his side. They’re mirrors of one another – her still for the first time Neil can remember, Andrew’s propped pose for once not put on.

Andrew has always been a deft hand at pretending to be sober while flirting with the crash of withdrawal, but Amaranth is no actress. This is unmistakeably something else, beyond the dull cast of Andrew’s face.

Neil hands over the weight of the bands in his palm to Andrew, feeling the loss like something heavier than cloth and two evenly balanced knives. It’s something like relief - Neil remembers the strength in Andrew just barely against him in the lee of the driver’s door just before, close enough for his breath to rustle Sin’s ruff. Taking up Neil’s own weight all over again.

Amaranth leads them up the stairwell, but makes way for Andrew to rattle the door open to the roof. She hangs back when Andrew steps to the edge and looks out across the campus, sitting on her haunches.

Sin stirs against his shoulder. Her voice is all breath at his ear when she says, “Put me down.”

It’s for Neil’s benefit, not her own. She’s not walking wounded like he is, but her jumping from her position about his neck would hurt him further. It’s also the first time she’s spoken since she whispered help us on Wymack’s kitchen floor while Neil was too busy breaking to say a real word himself.

He lets her down, feeling the pain of it in his back and shoulders. It’s also one of the few times they haven’t been touching since he came back from Evermore, and he has to stay close to her to stop the sick drag of her absence adding to every other ache in him.

Amaranth moves as they get closer – Neil pauses back a step, curious as to what Sin is doing but not wary enough to stop her. He watches from there the flicker of the hyena’s ears, the slow turn of her head. She’s not an actress, or she’s not quite like Andrew now either. Her eyes aren’t all the way dead as she watches Sin.

Neil waits for her to snarl. She doesn’t. She bows her head towards Sin, gets nose to nose with her like they’re exchanging breath, and there’s a brief brush of contact that Neil feels like shockwave-heat washing across his face. It leaves his skin prickling even when it ends.

At some point, Andrew has turned to watch the daemons too. Stance square and eyes not blown for the first time in months, he says to Neil, “Care to explain?”

“Not particularly,” Neil replies. He’s black and blue and inked under the thin protective shell of a bandage, and he can’t bear Sin to be more than an arms-length away from him. He figures it all speaks for itself, other than the perpetrator, and Andrew has never been interested in that kind of detail. To him the what has always outweighed the who.

Andrew isn’t looking at the marks on Neil anyway – he’s looking at his eyes, which are the bright silver blue of glacial ice. “Did I break my promise, or were you keeping yours?”

Neil says, “Neither.”

“I gave you a truth on credit in November,” Andrew reminds him. “Do not lie to me.”

“I’m not lying,” Neil replies. “I spent the winter break in Evermore.”

Andrew moves – Neil feels Sin collide with his ankles in a full-body flinch before his brain even recognises that Andrew is coming towards them. She’s not snarling, not the same creature that left bite marks on Jean’s forearms, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t earn Andrew’s attention. Or, for that matter, Amaranth’s.

Neil knows Andrew’s intention anyway. Curving his nails under the bandage on his cheek is enough of a distraction to the pair of eyes trained of Sin, and gives her the opportunity to curl her tail around his ankle like comfort. Neil turns his chin, gives Andrew the full effect of the number on his cheek.

“That does not look like the face of someone who claims to hate Riko Moriyama,” Andrew says.

“It wasn’t my choice,” Neil says, turning back to meet Andrew’s gaze head on as he pats the bandage back in place.

“You chose to go into the Raven’s Nest. Did you forget you were supposed to stay with Kevin?”

“I promised to keep him safe,” Neil reminds Andrew, as though it’s necessary. “I never promised to shadow him every second like you. That doesn’t mean I broke our deal.”

“You would favour the spirit of the law over the word of it,” Andrew says. “But you said this had nothing to do with Kevin. Why go there and throw yourself on Riko’s non-existent mercy?”

Neil swallows. Andrew’s expression doesn’t permit lying. “Riko said if I didn’t, Doctor Proust would-”

This time, Sin doesn’t get a chance to wince before Andrew’s hand claps over Neil’s mouth. It’s a confirmation that sends rage burning through Neil all over again.

“Kevin is the one who needed your protection, for all the good it did him,” Andrew says, his palm humid with Neil’s too-quick reflected breath. “Do not make the mistake of thinking that I will ever need it.”

“We had to try,” Sin says in place of Neil, from between their feet. She’s crowded against Neil’s ankles to avoid Andrew touching her. “Do you really think we could face you again if we’d done nothing?”

Andrew’s hand drops from Neil’s face and he steps back. Behind him, Amaranth is standing now, her head dropped low between her shoulders. There’s no recognisable intent, but it still looks like a casual threat in the same way as Andrew’s curved fingers do even back at his sides.

“That sounds like your problem, not mine. Don’t expect our gratitude,” he says, still bored. Neil thinks it’s the first time he’s ever heard Andrew use the word our, to speak like Amaranth is a being and not his slavering shadow. He wonders if it’s a slip or utterly deliberate.

“I said that I would keep you alive this year. You make my job more difficult when you actively seek your own death,” he continues, taking another step back that puts Amaranth directly at his heels. “The next time someone offers to help you into your grave, let me deal with it. Do you understand me?”

“I won’t,” Neil replies. “Not if it means losing you.”

Andrew’s gaze flickers away, his hand going to his pocket with muscle-memory that looks more at home on him on the court than here, where he stumbles. Neil guesses they don’t let you smoke in a rehab facility.

He pulls his own pack out of his pocket and tosses it over, watching as Andrew takes one and lights it before throwing the pack back. Then, around a breath of smoke, Andrew says, “I hate you.”

“You were meant to be a side effect of the drugs,” says a voice that Neil doesn’t recognise, low and lilting and a little rough like a smoker’s. He almost looks over his shoulder before he realises the speaker is right there – it’s Amaranth.

Daemons don’t speak to other people, or only rarely. Sin is unusual, rare in her abrasiveness and unwillingness to be silent. To hear Amaranth speak is staggering in a way that even seeing them sober isn’t. Knowing that the last time she was here in the Tower she couldn’t talk at all is even more so.

“I’m not a hallucination,” Neil says, dumbstruck.

“You are a pipedream,” Andrew says, his attention back to the view. It’s only the slight tilt of his head that indicates his consideration of his own daemon. Perhaps she surprised him as well. “Go away and leave us alone.”

#the foxhole court #andreil #my fic #hdm au #i'm not dead #just barely still alive #Anonymous #vague discussion of abuse #proust

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