#their teens would be pretty much about realizing he's bi and experimenting with looks and everything

[sweet-dining-car]

do you have anyone race engine headcanons? (Greaseball, Rusty and Electra)

YES! WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO ASK ABT MY HCs!

So sorry for getting back so late but I had to get EVERYTHING down

Rusty

Rusty probably joined Boy Scouts tbh, he just has that Boy Scout vibe abt him

Rusty is the son of Poppa and Belle but spent most of his young years with Poppa which is why when he was first introduced to Belle he didn’t have a great view of her (More abt the Poppa and Belle situation if ppl wanna here abt it)

Rusty tends to get crushes quickly with like any coach that would pay attention to him but he really fell HARD for Pearl. Like he was actually in love then, not just a crush

Rusty has rust because of really bad eczema(rust), like from a young age

He is about 1.5 years younger than Pearl but like 3 years older than the Rockies

The Rockies are his half siblings via Poppa (still part of my Poppa-Belle lore)

Once he is with Pearl, he doesn’t feel the same strive to race. He still competes in the upcoming Championships because he has to defend his Championship as part of the rules but he chooses to lose because he doesn’t really want to be a racer anymore and prefers to be a shunter

Rusty and Pearl live pretty content lives in the yard

Rusty has tried to become friends with Electra and Greaseball. He sort of has with Electra but they don’t really hang out much, but they are on pretty good terms. With Greaseball however, Greaseball seems to be rather cold to him. Rusty doesn’t actively avoid him but he does choose to not spend time with Greaseball

Later on Rusty and Pearl end up having 2 trainlets, Rosie and Will.

Rosie is a pink steam train who acts like Pearl and Will looks just like Rusty

In a high school AU Rusty is in band and is on the water polo team

Electra

Electra was adopted and greatly loves his moms, they are one of the few people that can tell him to do something

While Electra has that whole Electronics thing going on, the first person he had ever been involved with was Volta and they know each other very well

Electra likes to experiment with their hair and they like to try different hair styles and colors

Electra did go try to find his birth parents (because he was abandoned) but it all came up empty

He wants everyone to love him just to ensure that he won’t be abandoned again

One if the reasons why he chose to race in the first place was to get people to notice him and just in case his biological parents saw that he won and would try to find him or see how successful he was without them

He generally feels mixed feelings towards his parents

I don’t think it’s really a hc cuz it was confirmed but Electra is Gender Fluid and Bi

Electra doesn’t really like the freight but he is ok with the Rockies because they sometimes braid his hair for free

Electra didn’t like Greaseball because he naturally got attention and Greaseball getting attention was Electra not getting attention which made him feel more abandoned

In “No Comeback” Electra just went back to his parents house, hand a good long cry, stayed the weekend to talk about his need for attention then went back to the year feeling better

Completely random but in a high school AU Electra drives Greaseball to school, cuz I say so. They aren’t even really friends, their parents are. (Taken from a line in the rap and I just couldn’t stop thing abt how funny it was)

In high school AU, Electra would have been in the fashion club and the swim team

Greaseball

Ahh yes Greaseball 🥰💕

Greaseball is dyslexic (coming from a dyslexic)

He first met Dinah when they were young cuz they just so happened to cross paths

Greaseball’s father was a pretty bad dude who got Greaseball to think that diesel were better than any other rolling stock. Eventually in his teen years Greaseball realized that everything that his father said wasn’t true but some of it he still believed unconsciously

When Greaseball first started to date Dinah he didn’t really know how to handle a real steady relationship and a big growth step for him was when he told Dinah this instead of just telling her that instead of just being quiet to her

He had many flings before Dinah but he never felt like anything would be quick with her, she just felt different

Greaseball wanted to be just like his dad when he was young but in his teen years he realized that his dad wasn’t the best like he though he was and came to find that his father was quite terrible especially to his mother

Now Greaseball love(d)s his mommy to pieces

His mother died right after he won his first championship. He was so torn up about it that he became very depressed and thought about quitting racing. Dinah was there to comfort him and it just so happens that around this same general time Greaseball made it official with Dinah

Greaseball tried for years to fix the way that he thinks to be less narcissistic but he greatly struggled with it and often ended up not thinking of others

He never really meant to uncouple Dinah, he just thought about how he wanted to get back at Electra

Greaseball has a very hard time sleeping without Dinah next to him

Greaseball and Dinah would have gotten married about a year after the race

They had between 5-8 trainlets (they were pretty busy…)

Once Dinah was pregnant the first time , Greased said that it would be his last season of racing

He then became a racing instructor

In a high school AU he would be on the football team and the wrestling team as well as being part of the weightlifting club

He can in fact whistle and he does for Dinah only

That’s all I think!

#starlight express #stex #greaseball the diesel #electra the electric engine #rusty the steam engine #greasedinah #prusty #voltlectra #Volta x Electra #stex hcs

[alexissara]

15 Years Of Love

Today marks my 15 year anniversary with my Fiancé. It means officially half of my life has been with them. I'm 30 years old now and when I was 15 we started dating. I was a freshmen in high school, I wasn't out, I casually might have said I was bi but I had not yet come to realize that I was ace, a lesbian, a trans woman, or polyamarous at the time. Nor had he realized he was trans masc gender fucky pansexual polyamarous sexy little goblin. They and I did not have the most clear start, as teens we both did and said plenty of things we wished we never said or did to one another. Still in 15 years we've every year become more of ourselves and as a consequence fallen more in love.

It is wild to think how radically different we both are from where we started and how our love and selves have bloomed. Being with someone as long as we have clearly shapes you. This kind of love is the kind of love where you become the same kind of weirdos in so many ways but we're still also very different people. We have so many layers of inside jokes, so many shared memories, so much life experience that it is impossible to really decipher us if you were a fly on the wall. It is such a joyful life to be able to live as silly as fucking possible together. We are two halves of a whole without being monogamous or dependent on one another, we date separately and both have very long term committed relationships with amazing women that aren't ending any time soon. It's like a Soul Mates AU if they weren't hyper monogamous where somehow we were meant to each other.

Our love story is funny too, we were enemies to lovers over a mutual crush. At the time they didn't know they liked girls and I didn't know I was a girl but we both had a crush on a mutual bi friend of ours. We met at a Japanese cultural festival both wanting to learn more about the culture sure but also both wanting to spend time with our crush. Neither of us particularly liked each other and in fact they gave advice to my crush that going on one date with me didn't mean we were dating and she didn't owe me shit. Which is so true, very true and also very funny in retrospect. We add each other on myspace, I had been pretty in my depression era we talk and talk from time to time about our mutual crush and about random stuff. I decide to ask him out and he says yes. From that showing of What Happens In Vegas, a movie which is a time capsule for sure we started dating.

While our goals and ambitions have shifted radically to this day my Fiancé inspires me in my art. Even back then I knew I wanted to tell stories and they were an apple of my eye always making me want to tell more. They always supported me in making art and telling stories and acting and everything I did and I always supported them in drawing and crafting and aiming for whatever goals they wanted. Our hearts and spirits always longed for making the world better in whatever ways we could and it's something we still do together.

While we may no longer be teens caught between Emo and Scene we still get to radically be ourselves together, to express ourselves how we want and encourage each other to explore ourselves, challenge our ideas about the world and expand what we know. At the end of this year we plan on leaving our home for the whole of our relationship Texas thanks to anti trans, anti LGBT and racist laws popping up left and right. While this anniversary is huge for us the future looks so exciting with us hopefully finally leaving this hell hole behind and entering a new era of our lives with hopefully more community, love and exciting discovery along the way.

I don't know where I would be without my Fiancé, they got me through all the worst times in my life, their a part of my DNA. I feel so incredibly lucky to have had 15 years with the worlds most sweet little gender monster. This love is always going to be worth fighting for to me and I hope I can tell so many more new stories that honor the love they've given me in my life.

[If you want me to spoil my gender gremlin consider giving me money on Patreon or Ko-fi ]

#anniversary #15 year anniversary #gay #queer romance #queer love #trans t4t #T4T #t4t love #Lesbian #RL romance #Romance #RL #Life

[nikatyler]

I don’t really do “friendly reminders”, but: There’s no “right” way to be nonbinary, just be yourself, you don’t have to prove anyone anything 💗 Keep shining bright.

#not sure how i feel about the way i cropped this but oh well #all the cool things got cut off #ts4 #sims 4 #raven legacy extra #toni collinwood #aquamarine sun #breeze nsb legacy extra #bloom dragon breeze #lola fierro #rose legacy extra #oc: tyler #he's very much 'any pronouns work idc' #i imagine if i were to write their story now #their teens would be pretty much about realizing he's bi and experimenting with looks and everything #and then early 20s come and it's like oh wow i can be anything i want and it feels good #and i don't think they even realize it at first #but they explain the 'any pronouns' thing to someone and they're like 'so you're nonbinary then?' #and tyler goes 'oh...wait yeah i think you're right yes that's me'

[nothing-more-than-hot-leaf-juice]

thoughts on bi!zuko? it's one of my biggest hcs

IN THIS HOUSE, WE LOVE AND SUPPORT Bi!Zuko

headcanons: 

I know that there’s comic stuff about Sozin being homophobic, but I am within my rights to ignore it. If people can move rocks with their mind and if dragons can exist, there can be normalized gay people damn it. 

So it’s not really a big deal to question your sexuality or to be gay/bi, but within the Fire Nation upper class you don’t really talk about it. There’s a heteronormativity problem, but not aggressive homophobia. 

When he’s younger, Zuko doesn’t really think about anyone like that. He’s got firebending training, sword training, and then he’s crowned prince all of a sudden, so he’s kind of got other stuff going on. 

Mai has a crush on him when she’s 12 and he’s 13 and he starts to develop some puppy-crush feelings from her. 

They do a cute pre-teen date where they play with knives outside the palace and climb on roofs (Maiko does parkour on their dates, I don’t make the rules) 

Mai’s really the only person he’s had feelings for by this point (again, he’s 13 and he’s been pretty busy being a prince and all to think about that sort of thing) 

Then the whole banishment thing happens and he really does not have time to start thinking about those things. Hunting the avatar is a full time gig. Angst baby Zuko does not have time to sit and wonder if he thinks boy are cute.

(aside from this one time when his ship docked at this port and there was a cute sales boy at the shop they got their supplies from who made 14 year old Zuko blush just a little too hard. He made the decision to put a pin in that for later) 

Then Zuko’s on a ferry to Ba Sing Se and there’s this crime boy aggressively flirting with him. The avatar hunt is on hold. It’s later, so Zuko takes that mental pin out. 

Zuko can have a little ferry make out sess with mouth wheat crime boy, as a treat (let this boy have some semi-normal teenage experiences damn it)

To Jet’s credit, he’s a good kisser. But Zuko notes that he tastes like grass. 

And you know, that whole thing didn’t end well. 

Not your usual experience to have the guy who was your bisexual awakening burst into your work and (rightly) accuse you and your uncle of being firebenders and then attack you with hook swords, but Zuko’s never had the best luck with anything. 

Jet gets arrested and Zuko doesn’t see him again, but he can’t really ignore that whole ‘oh man I guess I am into guys’ thing anymore. And it’s not like he’s got other stuff to do in Ba Sing Se besides make tea and stave off Iroh’s shopaholic tendencies. 

Immediately after the Jet incident, Zuko’s more on his guard about potential threats, but what do you know? That girl just thought you were cute you paranoid dumbass. 

He goes on the date with Jin and it’s awkward as hell, but he does like it when she kisses him. Honestly, he’s not really sure what he’s supposed to feel. This newfound attraction to guys is still in the back of his brain and Zuko just never thought about it seriously before. 

After the date he starts letting himself take more notice of guys and girls in the teashop now that he’s pretty sure people aren’t onto them about being firebenders. 

And you know.... good looking customers are good looking customers. Guys and girls. 

But you know, Zuko is the king of not knowing who the fuck he is, so it’s still confusing, 

And then the avatar pops back up and Zuko’s got a different identity crisis to focus on. The boy has a morality coma to get to and questioning his sexuality is put on the back burner for a bit. 

Post-morality coma, Zuko’s feeling way more comfortable. Not just in terms of letting himself be happy in Ba Sing Se serving tea with his uncle, but with his sexuality as well. 

Zuko thinks about his experiences and maybe, just maybe, he could be a teenager who goes on normal teenager dates and has normal teenage relationships, maybe with guys or girls. He lets himself have that notion for a little while. 

He considers telling Iroh, but not quite yet. 

He doesn’t get the chance after everything happens in the catacombs. 

Then it’s the case where he has a more general identity crisis to deal and just kind of pushes the realization that he’s bi to the back of his mind. 

Zuko and Mai get together and Zuko remembers how much he liked her when they were younger. And with everything else stressing him out, she’s there to help him feel like less of a stranger in his own home. 

(Mai’s also Zuko’s best friend, regardless of any romance) 

At Ember Island he does have jealousy issues, but later when Mai asks him why he was so fixated on that guy at the party Zuko starts describing exactly why those guys were attractive and how he logically would have been at least a little jealous “I mean come on Mai did you see that one guy’s biceps? I’m only partially blind” 

Mai listens to this and just goes “do you want to ... tell me something?” 

Zuko has a “oh yeah I’m pretty sure I’m bi, forgot to mention it, had other stuff going on” moment 

Mai, who was taught to be proper and that her options were to go into politics or marry some man above her station, is now considering that both? Both is an option? Maybe? 

Cut to Zuko when he joins the gaang. His bisexuality is just kind of something he doesn’t think is a big deal and doesn’t mention it. 

On the air balloon to the Boiling Rock, Zuko asks Sokka about Yue and they end up talking about relationships. 

Zuko mentions that he had this brief thing with a guy in Ba Sing Se but it didn’t really end well 

Sokka: “wait did you say guy? I thought you had a girlfriend?” 

the SWT is generally pretty accepting, but Sokka spent most of his life living in a village without many boys his age and didn’t really consider that as a possibility. 

(Sokka then considers how much he thought about the Boulder after watching the Earth Rumble VI match and thinks ‘yeah there’s probably something there’) 

Sokka asks Zuko more about bisexuality. Most of Zuko’s answers are along the lines of “Sokka go to sleep I don’t know who the Boulder is and I don’t care about his badger-mole tattoo”

Suki, Zuko, and Sokka form the unofficial ‘cool and bi club’ 

Zuko doesn’t officially come out to Iroh, but Iroh catches him looking at Sokka one day a while after he and Mai broke up (deciding they were better as friends) and makes a comment about how Zuko needs to take time for himself.

“Lord Zuko, you should not spend your teenage years with nothing but work. Go out, find a nice young lady to take out.” “Uncle...” “..or young man” 

And yeah, a few years after the war ends and a while after he and Mai end their relationship, Zuko’s not really in the position to deny that he thinks that Sokka is inhumanely attractive and funny and kind

But yeah

bi!Zuko ftw 

#also love gay!zuko #either headcanon is great! #zuko #atla #sokka #jet #mai #zukka #maiko #jetko #avatar the last airbender #hot leaf content

[cienie-isengardu]

Lin Kuei: Cryomancers

RELIGION <> ORIGINS / ARCHITECTURE <> FOOD <> FOR THE LIN KUEI <> ART <> CRYOMANCERS <> LIN KUEI SOCIETY <> MONEY & MATERIAL GOODS

The continuation of the morgianesffs-blog’s list of questions about Lin Kuei. I initially divided them into smaller categories and the cryomancers will be the subject of this essay.

For the formalities, the original questions:

Question about the Cryomancers. I know the game lore says that they are supposed to be rare, but I also know that the Lin Kuei have had at least 5 (grandpa, papa, older, and younger Sub Zero,  and Frost). 4 of which are part of 3 generations that inherited it even with mixed blood (I'm assuming Mama Sub Zero wasn't Cryomancer since they left her alone).

That's a lot of generations in a row for a rare trait... So do you think the Cryomancers as a group have figured out they're being hunted and have chosen to live in hiding?

Looking at the sources, my personal theory is that the true problem is not that cryomancers are rare per se but that not every of their descendents:

is capable of using ice powers. 

will survive long enough to develop and control the freezing abilities 

Johnny and Cassie Cage are the best analogy for point A - both are the descendants “of an ancient Mediterranean cult who bred warriors for the gods”[MK9!Johnny’s bio] and thus possess special - and at least in theory rare - genes. Johnny is one of the top Earthrealm Champions yet he, canonically, managed to use his inner power only once, in a fight against Shinnok to protect Sonya. When Cassie was born, she had a very high chance to inherit Johnny's rare genes and because of that was the potentially future champion. Coming from Briggs-Blade-Cage family gaves Cassie a lot of opportunities to develop her fighting abilities, first because of strong ties to military and later also to other meritorious Earthrealm defenders. Yet like father before, the inner power was activated only under strong pressure, while protecting her family from Shinnok. And despite all the access to additional powerful mentors (Raiden, Sub-Zero, Bo' Rai Cho, Fujin and maybe even Scorpion), she still struggles with mastering the power - and with using it at will. And let’s be real here, Cassie is a superb warrior in her prime of life - if someone like her struggles with mastering ancient power, most who happen to be also descendants of these warriors may never use it even once during their lifetime.

And here comes my feeling that Lin Kuei could have even dozen descendents of cryomancers at the same time yet only few will truly be able to discover their potential and even less to master it (and only one, the best, will use the title of Sub-Zero). It is outright said, that freezing powers are hard to control and are usually mastered at the latest stages of life, as we were told by Mythologies: Sub-Zero in-tie material: 

Sub-Zero learned of his ability as a young adult. It was passed on to him by his father, a fourth generation Lin Kuei warrior himself. The ability to harness the element of cold is one that takes years of practice. It's full potential realized only by those who've mastered it at the latest stages of life. Sub-Zero's skills have the ability to develop much faster than those of the other Lin Kuei. [source]

By logic, if naturally cryomancers need years to get a grip of their power but Bi-Han’s skills developed much faster than the rest and it happened when he was already a young adult (a person in their teens or early twenties, max thirty?), then most cryomancer learn how to use their ability as an adult (25-30+ years old?). Now, considering the mortality of warriors in this brutal profession and harsh system of punishment, not many cryomancers will live enough to truly develop ice powers. They do, however, can pass the genes to the new generation and it seems as something happening from ancient times. Except not every baby with their special genes will be taken by Lin Kuei and though limited sources, it seems like female cryomancer are not the main target. 

My personal theory for this is based around pregnancy and how difficult it must be to carry a child with special powers that may or may not manifest itself in the least expected moment. The conscious use of power of course requires experience and control but in the unborn child it could result from independent stimuli that affect both the child and mother. So a mother with cryomancer genes probably has a better chance to give birth to a healthy offspring and not to die in the process (thus producing another child(s)) than a full-blood human one. Also, the two known examples of the not taken by Lin Kuei female descendants of cryomancers were the youngest children (and in the case of MK Conquest TV series, one was born after her brother's kidnapping). So there is a possibility that Lin Kuei intentionally does not take every available child, in order to not "break the genealogical line" and in result, cut their source of new warriors. 

(The other reasons I can think of why female cryomancers may not be the main target for Lin Kuei are: 

A) some biological complications that makes female cryomancer with active ability much rarer, thus the uneven ratio of known Lin Kuei male to female ice warriors. This could fuel Frost’s ego (the rare example of female cryomancer with powerful freezing abilities) but also her anger for not recognizing her skills and/or right to the title of Sub-Zero by Kuai Liang.

B) cryomancer’s strong sense of family ties thus natural instinct to protect their own. So if a female ice warrior gets pregnant, taking the child from her could be a pretty hazardous thing, especially if blood-related cryomancers are somehow emotionally/psychologically bonded with each other. In the past, the one Grandmaster who wanted to punish (male) Sub-Zero for helping Great Kung Lao (who saved Sub-Zero's biological family) got killed in the process. And this Sub-Zero was kidnapped years ago so he knew his family only from some distant memories yet despite the lack of real interaction with biological parents and sister (born after his disappearance), he allied with the enemy to pay the debt and killed his superior without a second thought. Then we have MK9!Kuai Liang who against Grandmaster’s orders ran away from Lin Kuei to avenge brother’s death because the clan did not tell him what happened to Bi-Han. So it seems that once a biological family is threatened, the (male) ice warriors get pretty agressive and openly disobedient. Now imagine how far would a female cryomancer go if her child was put in danger by the clan. I mean, keeping cryomancers in check is a pretty hard thing on normal days and in times of family critical matters even worse.)

Another useful information comes from Grandmaster [MK Conquest TV series, episode 3 - Cold Reality] who said about then currently in-training Sub-Zero:

So rare. Centuries have passed since one such as this has been among us.

Which could be interpreted as either Lin Kuei did not have a cryomancer for centuries or did not have a cryomancer who developed strong freezing abilities so fast(?). I personally think it is the latter because cryomancer power is described as “ancient” and if there wouldn’t be any cryomancer for centuries, the knowledge about the ice-wielder could be lost and forgotten. Of course, as the Grandmaster, the man could be simply familiar with clan history and lore but dunno, it seemed like he knew what to expect and how to force still-in-training Sub-Zero to develop his powers. Which, in all honesty, was pretty brutal and from what was shown on screen, involved throwing hot coals on the warrior’s bare back. What is painful for a normal person, even more for someone whose body is built to withstand freezing temperatures, not the heat. So, either there was a book with all the bad tips on how to train cryomancer in case you get one or the grandmaster actually had some experiences to compare Sub-Zero abilities with other candidates and/or ice warriors.

Frankly, I have this really old theory of mine, that fleeing from Outworld cryomancers had a deal with Lin Kuei - in exchange for the help and shelter, the cryomancer agreed to give some of their children to the clan. Thus from ancient times, warriors with ice-powers served Lin Kuei and passed the duty from one generation to another. However, with the passing time and mixing with native people, their natural abilities regressed to the point some branches of the cryomancer family could be declared as extinct, as in, not possessing the right combination of genes. In result forgetting their own legacy only for the power unexpectedly activating generations later. In Mortal Kombat Conquest TV series, the family of a kidnapped years ago cryomancer boy did not have any(?) clue why Lin Kuei targeted them. Something similar could happen to Bi-Han and Kuai Liang in an alternative timeline, thus the unusual abduction mentioned in Kuai Liang’s MK9!BIO:

"An assassin of the Lin Kuei clan, Kuai Liang commands the power of ice and cold. Unlike other members of his clan, he and his older brother, Bi-Han, were abducted as children by the Lin Kuei and trained in the techniques of assassination throughout their lives [...]”

If that would be true, the Lin Kuei could keep eye on every known descendent of cryomancer species (run away or simply living in ignorance) and kidnap only a few selected children. Of course, some family members tried to hide their children from Lin Kuei, which was seen in the original timeline. In this case, the mother of Bi-Han and Kuai Liang tried to save them from their father, a faithful Lin Kuei warrior. 

I will be honest here, I always thought that mom of ice bros was simply a normal but unlucky woman who somehow got involved in assassin clan matters. Yet Mythologies: Sub-Zero tie-in materials gave an interestingly input about the family situation:

Their mother wanted a normal life for her sons, who had already been chosen by the Lin Kuei to become warriors for the clan. She tried in vein to hide them from their father whose own life in America was only a cover for his true identity and purpose. Eventually they were found and their father returned with them to his homeland. Their mother and sister were never seen or heard from again. 

The most standing out informations (hints):

→  the children weren’t randomly kidnapped but chosen by the clan. In the case of Bi-Han and Kuai Liang, the choice makes sense since they came from a family serving Lin Kuei for at least the last four generations (while their father alone was Sub-Zero himself). Yet their sister, most likely the youngest child, was not included. So she was still too young or wasn’t meant to become a warrior at all. Either due to lack of potential or because of some unknown to us clan politics forbidding taking all children. The most intriguing is how the clan determined who should be chosen or who left in peace. Like, was the clan so versed in genetic science to predict things like that or did they have other (magic?) ways to predict (check) whether it was worth taking the indicated child? Were the children prematurely tested before the decision was made?

Additionally, in MK Conquest TV series, the Grandmaster sounds pretty sure about Sub-Zero’s freezing abilities before the warrior himself started consciously use them:

“He has trained his whole life. His fighting skills are unmatched among us… yet it is only now that he truly begins… for it is his destiny to carry to battle ancient powers. The time has come to unleash them.” [Episode 3, “Cold Reality”].

What could explain why Lin Kuei took only the boy yet did not come for his younger sister born to the same parents (thus having in theory the same chances to inherit the wanted genes).  

→ the mother seemed to be aware about Lin Kuei and the clan's interest in her children, so for all we know she actually could be one of them or be more involved in her partner (husband?)’s criminal activity. This is an interesting idea in context of her desire to give her sons a normal life. The mother tried but failed to hide the boys from Lin Kuei. She and the daughter weren’t seen nor heard of again what may imply both died… or, if mother was truly full trained Lin Kuei herself, she actually managed to run away with the daughter and hide so well. Anyway, if Kuai Liang and Bi-Han’s mother or sister survived long enough to give birth to another child, the Sub-Zero brothers could still have a biological family living somewhere, maybe even ignorant about the whole cryomancer legacy. 

In summary, and this is really just my personal take on the matter, there are many more descendants of cryomancer species around the world than we know about. The problem lies in genetic variation that gives a freezing ability only to a handful of people. Some cryomancers were part of Lin Kuei for generations (and maybe get paired with genetically specific group of people for better breeding thus the continuity of ice warriors generations), some never learned about their true legacy and some knew and either seek out the clan (Frost) or tried shield their children from the cruel life of assassin. Sadly, it seems like Lin Kuei warriors were really good at tracking the right families to get children with certain abilities so even if at some point cryomancers decided to hide it did not save them in the long run. On other hand, cryomancer adepts are very stubborn and unwilling to let themselves forget about their biological family, so Lin Kuei balanced on thin ice with hunting down and training the descendants of cryomancers. 

#mortal kombat #cryomancers #lin kuei #my replies #sub zero #bi han #kuai liang #mother of ice bros #mortal kombat mythologies #sorry it took me so long to do this #my analysis #johnny cage #and #cassie cage #are an interesting example how having special genes does not #guarantees the possibility of using the special powers that comes in pair

[punkassrichie]

Just Tonight pt 1

A/N: i’ve only written like,, one fic on this blog lol but i really love It so i decided to start up again. also just wanted to say i’m aware that beverie isnt an ideal ship, but i just love it sm 😪😪 it’s got all the angst i need and want >.< but anyway feel free to send me requests? i will do any and every ship bc that’s just how much i love everyone and everything. feedback would be much appreciated! <3 also this is a college au but i wanted the first part to be kind of like a back story, like what went on during their high school years. this fic was inspired by the song Just Tonight by The Pretty Reckless. feel free to give it a listen as well to get a feel of the theme for the fic lol

Warnings: angst, mentions of underage drinking and substance abuse, mentions of underage sex, mentions of SA and abuse, abusive and toxic relationships, cheating, mentions of suicide me projecting just a lil and Bev x Richie. college au. if i missed any lmk. oh aaaaand all of the character are bi LMAO k byeeee

Summary: Beverly and Richie were the cliche best friends. Going to the same high school, joining the same clubs, hanging out at the Aladdin and arcades, applying to the same colleges, telling each other their deepest darkest secrets. Being each other’s firsts. Falling in love. And neither of them knowing about it.

It was the last day of summer, barely going into high school the first time it happened. They were getting drunk and high together, just the two of them. At the time, Bev was with Bill, and Richie was pining after Eddie. Both of them sad because Bev loved Bill with all of her being, but she never felt right with him and Richie loved Eddie, who never made it clear whether he loved him back or not. Eddie was messing with his head a little bit. Not intentionally, he just didn’t have the confidence Richie did. And he wasn’t sure what he wanted.

Richie understood. He wasn’t going to force Eddie to do anything he didn’t wanna do. And if that included Eddie not wanting to be with him then so be it.

But man, did it fucking hurt.

So they both drank themselves sick, neither of them understanding why they were the way they were. They’d talked all hours of the night, drunk laughing and crying, and making dumb jokes until they started talking about things they’d never really touched on before. He’d ask her about her abusive father and she’d ask about his neglectful parents, both of them answering any questions they had.

They started talking about how Richie was still a virgin, and how he really wanted to have sex but not with just anyone. He drunkenly confessed to saving himself for Eddie, but knowing that wouldn’t happen because he knew Eddie wasn’t ready for any kind of relationship with him. It’s like Eddie wanted nothing to do with him.

Bev saw a tear stream down his eye, and she shouldn’t have, she knew she shouldn’t have but she leaned in to kiss him, she told herself it was just to comfort him but one thing led to another and before they knew it, their clothes were off and Richie was tossing her on his bed. With Richie, it felt so wrong but more right than Bill. In Bev’s head, it made sense.

The morning after, Bev had woke up crying. She wasn’t weeping.. it was more like soft sobs. Richie woke up and asked her what was wrong. She didn’t know.

“Is it because of Bill?” Richie asked, his face full of concern.

“No, and that’s the worst part.” She managed to squeak out between sobs. Richie just held her.

Bill was the last thing on her mind, and while she felt bad, she didn’t linger on the thought too much. She knew they wouldn’t last.

No, she just felt wrong. She always felt wrong. She liked it so much that she wanted to do it again and again and it filled her with shame. Guilt. She told herself she’d never be into it, not after her father ruined it for her. But still, she was. And she was disgusted with herself.

She finally told Richie after she couldn’t take her thoughts anymore. Richie assured her that she wasn’t wrong for feeling the way she did. That it was okay, and he had a great time. He was glad she did too.

She looked up at him, not understanding why he was so sweet to her. She didn’t deserve it, she thought.

This time it was Richie that leaned in to kiss her. She was shocked because he wasn’t drunk, and neither was she. She almost forgot that people don’t need to be drunk to have sex. She also forgot that it’s not really recommended. Eventually she melted into it. He was getting handsy and pulled back to let Bev know she can say stop at any moment and he would.

But she didn’t.

And that morning, Richie had went down on someone for the first time in his teen years, and Bev had her first real orgasm.

That’s when she became addicted to it.

-

Few years into high school, and Bev and Richie were still the best of friends. Not making things weird or “official.” Just two best friends that kiss sometimes (and sometimes that do more than kiss) and then act like it didn’t happen the next day. Almost all the time.

Before school started, Bev broke up with Bill. She knew what she wanted now and she wasn’t going to use Bill to get it. She always knew he was a sweetheart, and that he deserved better. She didn’t tell him what happened with Richie, and she made Richie promise he wouldn’t say anything either. Of course he did, but only if she did the same. She also didn’t tell Bill that she was gonna go around, chasing the high that she’d get from Richie, but with other people. He was heartbroken enough, she wanted to spare him at least some of the heartache.

Most of the time she’d just sleep with Richie. At first it was just convenient, and she trusted him, and him only. But then she realized it was because she didn’t feel comfortable with anyone else. She hadn’t realized it but she was falling for the boy. The thought would creep up in her head but she’d make it go away as fast as it appeared.

But all of that changed when Richie and Eddie started officially dating.

She wasn’t jealous, she couldn’t be. She loved him so much and was happy when he finally got to have the boy he pinned over all throughout his childhood. She knew he’d be happy.

She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t feeling a little lonely though, seeing as Eddie would take up all of Richies time. Of course she had the other losers, but it wasn’t the same. They didn’t understand her like he did.

And of course she lied, she was a little jealous that someone took her best friend away. But she had to suppress it because she knew her and Richie would never work.

Richie loved Bev too, but not like he loved Eddie. She knew that. She understood. She also knew she was incapable of loving someone. Or having anyone love her for that matter. She knew he loved Eddie and Eddie only.

She only started to question it when she started to sneak into his house through his bedroom window, sophomore year of course, after yet another rough night with her father. He knew. He understood. He was there. In more ways than one. Some nights he’d just hold her. When she was shaking, when she couldn’t stop crying, and especially when she couldn’t muster the words to tell him what had happened. Other nights she would be beneath him, asking begging him to make her forget. And he would. Because he loved her and wanted to show her. But the thought of love was questionable now because if he could do that to Eddie, what would he do to her? He and Eddie had only been together a few months then.

Eventually she realized what he would do to her.

One night she had biked over to his house, covered in bruises and blood. That night it had been really bad. She went over and climbed up his window, knowing the path up the tree all too well. His window was unlocked, his bed was made and the light was on. Except Richie wasn’t there. She looked over to the bed where there were fresh, clean clothes and a towel underneath them. She knew what it meant.

It was a silent “I can’t do this anymore, but i’m still here for you.” She knew that’s what it meant because for them, words never had to be exchanged. They could speak through gestures and they would just know.

She ended up leaving and finding a quick fuck on tinder. He ended up bruising her up even more. At least he got her a room and stayed with her until they both had to go their separate ways.

-

Sophomore year had ended and summer began. Bev and Richie were more distant than ever. She knew it was bound to happen but she never prepared herself for it. But that didn’t mean she was going to steal him away from the person he loved most.

So she took matters into her own hands. Once she realized she could be in control of her body, she started to get a little out of hand. She started talking to more people at school, trying to figure out if they were into her or not. She debated going on tinder again but there were so many missing person flyers all over town and she didn’t wanna end up on one of them. Not like that anyway.

She felt more comfortable with people she kinda knew. That was until she got involved with one too many football players. When school started up again, they began their “locker room talk” and once a lot of the boys figured out they had sex with the same girl, they’d tell everyone and label her a slut. Bev ended up being one of those girls. It got around school and even back to the cheerleaders which some of them had experimented with Bev that same summer too. Of course, they’d never say anything about it, mostly because they weren’t sure about their sexualities, but that didn’t stop them from bullying her either. Including Greta.

Greta Keene was the main one that ended up torturing Bev. Which was sad really, considering all the nights they had together. It was almost like Bev had found her replacement. She just forgot how cruel people can be.

She was forgetting a lot of things. Once the rumors were spread, some true, most of them not true- she forgot that she had friends she could trust and talk to and tell them what had happened. But she was scared mostly. She knew the losers didn’t believe the rumors anyway but she also knew that a part of them wondered.

So she distanced herself. First time with Richie, second time with the whole club. It wasn’t intentional, but she knew that if she kept up her actions, they’d be concerned. Or they would leave. And you can’t be left unless you leave first, right?

Bev felt like her life was in the gutter. That nothing mattered and nothing was real. She didn’t care anymore. She didn’t care about anything. Not about the rumors at school, not about the people taunting her and calling her a slut every 5 minutes, and not Richie. Definitely not Richie.

She still did what she thought was best for her, and if that meant drugs too, then drugs it was.

She wasn’t into anything hardcore, but she loved downers. She loved the fact that she could take a pill and it would make her numb and forget the events of that day, or the one before, or even after.

She changed. And everyone noticed.

The losers grew concerned. They’d see her walking down the halls, hair looking shaggy with baggy clothes (because anything she wore that was her size would get her called a ‘slut’ much more than it does when she wears clothes that isn’t), big shoes and sometimes when she would things her size, they could see the bruises on her arms, the cuts and scrapes on her knees and elbows, the hand shaped marks on her throat. She’d stretch and while her shirt rode up a little on her waist, you could marks on her hips too.

They were scared for her, and they knew something was up. They loved and care for Beverly so they weren’t going to let her go that easy.

One day, Bev skips out on school and all the losers noticed. It was weird, no matter how much she got bullied or beat (by Greta and her bitch clique and sometimes the Bowers gang), she’d never miss a day.

That’s when they all decided at lunch to skip their last three periods to spend it looking for her. They checked her house first, her dad telling them to fuck off and leave her alone, and if she went out and got herself killed then that was her own damn business. It made their blood boil, it made Richie wanna sock him right there and then. But Bill being Bill, just said thank you and walked off. Made Richie wanna sock him too.

They went to the barrens, quarry, clubhouse, everywhere and she was nowhere to be found. They headed back to school, heads hanging low in defeat, worried about her. They didn’t know what else to do but wait until her dad decided to file a missing person report.

The last bell rang and they all headed home, Bill told the rest of the losers that he would try to come up a plan to see what more they could do to try and find her. He didn’t wanna give up, although the rest of the losers already had.

Richie was walking Eddie home when he cried to him and told him that he shouldn’t have pushed her away the way he did, and that it was all his fault. Eddie just held him, not understanding the relationship the two had. He told him that everything would be okay anyway and that they would find her. Richie just nodded and continued to walk him home.

Eddie offered him to spend the night with him, like he had been doing all year but this time Richie politely declined. He doesn’t know why but something was telling him to go home. Go home and check.

He doesn’t tell Eddie, just tells him he might be coming down with something and that’s enough to make the hypochondriac stay away. For that night at least.

Richie kisses him goodbye and heads on home. And sure enough, there she was. Sitting in his steps, fumbling with something in her hands and mumbling to herself.

He throws his bike to the side and rushes over to her, asking her if she was okay or hurt. She just laughed.

She reeked of alcohol and had a small brown pill bottle in her hands. It was empty.

He kept asking her questions and grew more concerned when he see that her eye had been swollen shut. She was crying, but laughing at any question Richie had.

She was fucked up, it wasn’t hard to tell. Richie didn’t ask anymore questions and just helped her up. She refused but he still managed to get her up. While he helped her up the stairs and into his room, he asked her what she was on. She didn’t respond. He was growing frustrated but settled for asking her when she was sober. He helped her get cleaned up, and saw to her eye when she got out of the shower. He didn’t know much about first aid, but he knew what Eddie taught him.

She stopped crying and she was just silent, her eyes fluttering like she couldn’t keep them open anymore. When he was done, Richie set her down on his bed and held her while she slept. “Love you, Richie.” was the last thing she murmured before falling into a deep sleep.

Of course it hurt him, and of course he blamed himself. She needed him and he dropped her like she meant nothing to him. But it wasn’t like that. Now he wishes they could’ve just talked. If he hasn’t been so caught up with Eddie, maybe they could have.

It was 7pm the next day when she woke up. She seemed very confused, and was surprised when Richie was beside her, talking to Eddie on the phone. He wrapped up the call once he saw that she was awake, he had questions and he was going to get them. He was determined. He hung up and just sighed when he saw the state she was in.

“Bev, you’ve gotta tell me what’s been going on with you.” He says with a soft tone as he sits on his bed, facing her. She can barely look at him, feeling anxious and embarrassed. But she knows she can trust him.

“I-I havent been doing very well lately.” Is all she can manage to say. Then she starts to cry again. And just like he would before, he held her. He calmed her down and waited until she was ready to talk.

And when she was, she confided in him. She told him everything, how she’s been sleeping around to get by, how she found a specific drug that helped her sleep through the nights her dad wouldn’t let her, how some of the rumors at school were true, and how much she missed him and the rest of the losers. She told him that she didn’t wanna leave them the way she did, but she didn’t want them to leave first when they found out about her.

When she was done pouring her heart out, he just looked at her and hugged her. “Don’t ever scare me like that again.” He whispered as he wrapped his arms around her. She was still for a second, but then wrapped her own arms around him.

And they remained in their position for a while. They didn’t talk about their little ‘situation’ they had gotten themselves into, nor did they want to. They hardly ever did. They just sat in silence for comfort.

After that months flew by once again, and things felt normal again. Bev got used to the bullying and harassment from her classmates but she didn’t have to deal with it alone anymore. The losers club made them back off actually, defending Bev until it got them suspended.

They didn’t care though, they wanted to show Bev they actually care about her and that she’s not alone. She learned to appreciate them more than she already did.

They started having more sleepovers than usual so that Bev wouldn’t have to stay at her dad’s so much, and they started calling her and checking up on her.

Richie was always making sure she was okay and telling her to text him whenever she got home or if she was going anywhere and back. Just to keep tabs, making sure she’s alright.

They didn’t sleep together anymore, and neither of them minded. At least that’s what they told themselves. Bev had a few fuck buddies since Richie, one of them being Greta.

“Why the fuck would you still be fucking her?” Richie exclaimed after Bev confessed that she was still fooling around with her despite being harassed by her and her clique.

She just shrugged. She couldn’t tell him it was because she couldn’t fuck him anymore, she didn’t want to pin anything on him. And she couldn’t tell him that she kind of liked the abuse.

Bev had all sorts of kinks that she wasn’t ready to talk about with just anyone, and she knows she could trust Richie, but she still feels a bit embarrassed and ashamed.

Before they knew it was summer again, and that was the first time they were all together again in a long time. Her friends changed and she didn’t even realize it. But so did she. She found comfort in knowing that they would accept her no matter what. And that she would too.

-

Senior year was the best year for the losers, but as well as the worst. They called it their Slack Off year. They had done so much work the years before just to be able to call it that. They’d have 3 classes the whole day and the rest were free periods. Their work really paid off. And it was so much better knowing they were all going to be at the same college. It would be an understatement to say they were excited for next fall. It was until someone new had come into the picture and changed everything.

Her name was Criss. She was new to Derry High. To the town in general.

Beverly swore she loved her. And she swore Criss loved her back. And how they came to be were the losers’ guess but they were happy for her nonetheless. Things with them were great at first. Bev finally seemed happy to have someone by her side at all times, happy to be lovey dovey with, and just happy in general. Beverly was in love to say the least.

The rest of the losers were obviously happy for her, but if anyone had asked Richie what he thought about Criss, he wouldn’t say what he was really thinking. He avoided the question if he could.

But then they started to notice the red flags in Criss, and they weren’t so sure about her. They’d notice when she’d lie about little things, the way she’d grip Bev’s arm when she was mad, the insults she’d scream at Bev whenever they were in a fight, the scenes she’d make when things just wouldn’t go her way. One time Bev showed up at the quarry with a freshly split lip, and they knew it wasn’t her father because she wouldn’t stay at her house anymore. They hated it, and they knew Bev hated it too.

Except Bev didn’t hate it- that much, because Criss wasn’t that bad. She’d ignore the losers when they expressed their concerns for her because she knew who she was deep down. Most importantly she was loved. That feeling alone was enough to make her fly high into the sky. She couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. She only hated the fact that she fell for a person who ended up not being what they said they were. But she convinced herself it was okay, and that she would be able to handle her. She loved her, and if that meant putting up with mild bruises and screaming matches, then so be it. She was just happy that someone loved her.

It wasn’t until Beverly caught her with Greta in her bed, that she knew it was too good to be true. That was the first time she felt her heart shatter. She didn’t go to the losers when she first saw them together, she went on a walk all by herself and not because she felt stupid, (oh but she definitely did) but because if she didn’t, she was convinced she might’ve offed herself. Sometimes she wishes she did. And all the shame, guilt, and embarrassment had returned. She didn’t believe in anything at all anymore.

-

dont be a stranger and lmk what u think <333 part two will be out soon!

#it 2017 #it 2021 #the losers club #eddie kaspbrak #richie tozier #beverly marsh #beverly marsh fanfic #beverly marsh angst #beverie #reddie #angsty reddie #stanley uris #mike hanlon #ben hanscom #bill denbrough #bowers gang #bi bev #everyone’s bisexual LOL

[kirbyspits]

A lot of Makorra shippers only moved on because they’re afraid of being called homophobic for not shipping korrasami. I LITERALLY saw someone on Instagram yesterday call a makorra shipper homophobic just for saying korrasami came out of nowhere. Also, Korrasami shippers LOVE to bring up the "popping bottles" backlash to make fun of makorra shippers. I left the tlok fandom in 2014 bc it was so toxic as a teenager, but now i’m 23. I’m no longer afraid of shipping something i always loved.

Ah, yes, I realized I didn’t address the fandom's toxicity in the last ask, but I’ve spoken about it before. I don't talk too much about the past because I was at the edge of the fandom back in 2014/2015. I was aware of fights, but the discussions I saw were moreso on bi-erasure. I saw one post saying it was wrong to ship Makorra. I remember being really confused about why Makorra was actually problematic, but I didn’t appreciate being told who I can ship the only dark-skinned woman protagonist on a major television network with. Why are you forcing me to ignore Mako and Korra’s relationship? Book 1 is practically about Mako and Korra, all other characters be damned. Me preferring the story of one pairing and a popular romance trope, second chances, is not wrong, and no one would know how I view the LGBT+ community based on who I ship in one show.

I ended up leaving the community because I was disappointed with season 4 in general. When Korra was released on Netflix, I figured it was time to rewatch the series again (plus, I’ve been binging all my favorite romance anime). So imagine my shock when I created a new Tumblr and Twitter account to rant and rave about TLOK, and I saw nothing but hate and name-calling in the Makorra tags. I saw people casually throwing around the word “homophobic,” and one person said people who don’t like Korrasami are just misogynistic. 

I just wanted pretty pictures, and people are out here psychoanalyzing shippers! So, I dug through some blogs and to feel more grounded with this fandom I didn’t recognize. After reading through their commentaries and experiences, I actually became more upset at Bryke than the teenagers/children who comment on Makorra posts saying how much better Korrasami is or accuse Makorra shippers of being homophobic. 

Yes, I truly believe these comments are mostly coming from people in their late teens and younger, at least in 2020. I can’t speak on 2014/2015, but since we were younger, the early 20s/late teens, I wonder if our age group was also the loudest. Don’t get me wrong, adults can be horrible people and can get really nasty. However, every time I look up the rudest commenters' profiles, they were teens. When one Korrasami shipper wrote “screw Makorra” on my AMV, I figured I’d have some fun trolling them until I clicked on their profile and saw a child. Needless to say, I ignored them and reflected on how parents are allowing their babies on TikTok while my parents freaked out at the idea of showing my picture on FB growing up. 

*I’m not still mad about that*

Also, while it doesn’t give anyone an excuse to make such a strong accusation, part of me, as a straight person, feels like I can’t get too upset because I also become very aware of my privilege. The space I’m in is a majority of young LGBT+ fans (at least on Twitter where I’ve seen the most toxicity). Some people see TLOK as their safe space and imply why should there be Makorra shippers when they have all these other cis/het shows they can engage with. It doesn’t work like that, of course. TLOK doesn’t only feature Bi characters. They’re POC/Indigenous, women, and Korra has dark skin. That’s a lot of marginalized communities. Makorra/TLOK is my comfort show, not because she’s with a man, but because of the reasons I just listed. Also shipping Korra with Mako doesn’t mean she’s no longer bi. She’d still be attracted to women.

Here’s who I am upset with tho, Bryke. Mostly Bryan. While Makorra shippers called out Korrasami shippers for cyberbullying, the focus seemed to be on Bryan for making it seem like there was something wrong with them for not finding Korrasami’s narrative satisfying. It was especially sad to read bloggers who identified as being part of the LGTB+ community saying Bryan’s hetero-lens dismissed their experience and then having to defend/proving themselves to anonymous messengers. 

Fans saw it as a betrayal. They saw it as the go-head for the rude Korrasami shippers to harass Makorra artists because they “didn’t watch the show correctly.” When the creator, the person you admire, also puts the blame on you, that kind of pain is on another level.

Korrasami shippers played a huge role in kicking Makorra shippers out of the fandom, but we can’t underestimate how much Bryan’s statement is a slap in the face. He used his characters and social justice as a shield for reasonable criticism. Just because we say a story is bad and Asami is grossly underwritten doesn’t mean that we’re against the idea of Korra and Asami being a couple. 

Of course, I’ve seen some very problematic statements from Makorra shippers. After all, homophobia is real. However, aside from the actual bigots, people have no issue with Korrasami. They just wanted a stronger connection between the girls. Many people seem to think Makorra shippers were looking for more romance, but we know we couldn't expect that. We can expect more screentime, musical cues, and more emotional support, which most people can see as platonic, but be romantic if you really want to. Mako’s interactions in book 4 can be seen as platonic, but all of us Makorra shippers saw it to be romantic.

Popping bottles! I completely missed that joke in 2014 and I discovered it this year. I agree it’s pretty annoying, but I become a troll and say I’m popping bottles for my Makorra moments. I don’t get any engagement, but I don’t seem to lose followers for it. Maybe popping bottles represents “straight-baiting?” I don’t get it why it’s so funny after all this time, but we’re Makorra shippers. We’re the joke 🙄

Anyways, to wrap up, lately, there seems to be a bit of a shift on Twitter. When I first created an account. I stayed in my little corner live-tweeting about TLOK and Makorra. I had to stop looking at the Makorra tag because it was so negative. Now, I’m seeing people admit they’re cute, and then saying they’re platonic soulmates. I’ll take it, although, as one commenter said, “that’s boring!” 

Someone led a Makorra Week back in October, and it was really nice! I have feeling people speaking up on the name-calling and reminding people that we’re talking about 2D characters helped. We just want to be left alone and enjoy the scenes we have in the show, art, and fanfiction. 

Keep shipping who you want! Don’t let any stranger shame you for your shipping preferences, especially in fiction! I’m so happy you feel more comfortable shipping these two dorks! You’re not alone! I’ve been a Makorra shipper since 2012, and while I find Korrasami cute (I love Korra, and I love Asami), Makorra is my OTP. I really like them, and I think they were meant for each other.

#kirbyspits answers #come back makorra stans #anti bryke #makorra #tlok fandom

[lilyevansgf]

if you feel comfortable sharing, how old were you when you started questioning ur sexuality/realized what the ‘signs‘ meant?

i actually have a lot to say abt this sorry hdjdkdk

i was 11, in 6th grade. i’d just gotten a phone and learned what the lgbt community was online (previously i only had vague ideas of what being gay was, and i certainly didn’t think it was something accessible to me).

i don’t exactly remember when i first thought i might like girls (middle school was. a blur to say the least) but i do remember taking a million “am i gay” quizzes, staring at pictures of celebrity men/women side by side and trying to compare who i liked better, reading people’s coming out stories, stuff like that. i eventually came out as bi to my best friend because i liked a girl we were friends with. something that helped MASSIVELY was when he said “me too.” it felt less—lonely, yknow?

this was the beginning of a wholeee lot of comphet. i had an almost obsessive crush on three girls throughout the course of middle school, all three of which were pretty much earth-shattering life-ending all-consuming to me back then lol. i started using the label lesbian when i was 12 because i realized i never actually had a crush on a guy, but i craved male validation soooo much (and still do) and found myself doing a lot of things just so guys would like me, while in my head, i just could not care less about men

i dunno. i learned to live with it i guess. i’m slowly trying to unlearn everything about male validation that i needed so much as a younger teen. i knew i was a lesbian back then and i know i’m a lesbian now and that’s really all that matters. the lesbian master doc is a fantastic resource that i reread almost every single time that i feel bad about my identity—i’ve got a few bi friends irl and online who’ve said the lesbian master doc helped them feel secure in their bisexuality as well, which is just a fun bonus.

as for early childhood? i used to be obsessed with the idea of being a perfect housewife, perfect mom, etc etc blah blah. i grew up in an extremely heteronormative environment & i’d convinced myself it was what i wanted—but looking back, i 100% had a crush on the pink power ranger lmfao

at the end of the day i think it’s just about analyzing the relationships you have with your parents/guardians & childhood experiences and figuring out the root of your insecurities and issues with them, because if you don’t break down preconceived notions about the world, you’re never gonna get the most natural answer out of yourself (and it’s okay to never have an answer/label as well!) i know i can trace back my need for male validation to the fact that my dad has a very heavy work schedule and isn’t home a lot. i can trace my childhood desire to be a good mother with a husband and a white picket fence to the fact that my childhood was just extremely restrictive in the type of people i met and the content i was allowed to consume. for me at least, figuring out my sexuality wasn’t a one time thing—i’m secure in my label and in my identity, but every single day i’m dealing with learning how to be comfortable and safe in it. that’s the most important part imo. & education — learning about lgbt history, learning about different identities and people and talking to lgbt ppl irl — it’s all super important

#anyways i’m gonna stop before i type out a whole essay #okay to rb lol #asks #this was fun ty! #long post

[arizona-trash-bag]

I can totally explain a bit of my thinking behind seeing lwj as autistic and wwx as autistic/adhd!! Before I get into specifics though, let me preface with where I’m coming from. I first saw CQL and then read the EXR translation of the novel. I prefer MDZS to CQL, but also want to acknowledge that because I do not read/speak Mandarin I am inherently experiencing this story second-hand and therefore am probably missing out on a lot of nuances. I am trying to learn Mandarin, but it will be a long time before I am even a little close to fluent lol.

Another preface- obviously not all autistic people present in the same way, and many of the things that I will mention are not solely specific to autistic people either. It’s one of those things where all of it added up together points towards asd, but each one individually would not on its own indicate asd, you know? Also, I will say that many of the things I picked up on for both characters are autistic traits that many autistic people have vs the clinical characteristics (much like most of the case I could make for wwx’s adhd would be adhd traits he has rather than symptoms that would lead to a real-world diagnosis.) Edit: OH! I almost forgot to say, that also all of these traits I’m listing are from a western perspective, and I would LOVE to read more about how autism presents in different cultures and to see conversations between autistc Chinese people specifically, so as to see if these traits are specific to western autistic people or not, but again, I do not speak Mandarin or Cantonese or any other Chinese dialect, so that’s a little inaccessible for me atm.

Ok, SO, for both characters I would list: strong sense of justice, lack of care for society’s opinion (I feel like it could be argued that lwj does to a certain point, but imo he operates more from what he morally considers to be correct and from a place of familial duty vs catering to the opinion of society at large), and then more vaguely, they both seem to be “nerdy” (this doesnt feel like the most accurate term, especially because it's not like being scholarly is specific to their characters, especially in ancient fantasy China- it’s more that their particular hmmm, flavor?? of love of knowledge feels very neurodivergent to me, vs like, being scholarly because it’s the thing that is expected of a Young Master, if that makes any sense at all- like the difference btwn someone getting an engineering degree because it is expected of them vs because they genuinely love engineering), and lastly for both- I would say that they are canonically kinky, and while I can’t cite any statistics, there’s a pretty high correlation between being autistic and being into kink. Obviously, not every person who is not vanilla is autistic, and not every autistic person is into kink…….but there is a high correlation.

For lwj specifically, the things that made me think he might be autistic are his lack of outward emoting combined with his depth and breadth of emotions, how he seems to thrive in and quite enjoy the very structured environment he grew up in, and then the last one off the top of my head (side note, I feel like a week from now I’m going to randomly think of other examples lol) I’m not actually sure IS an example, because I know (thanks to the awesome post from hunxi that you linked to that I had read previously) that his succintness does not equal autism, but I do kind of feel like it is very autistic to Always be so formal and to Always talk in textbook perfect language.

For wwx, I also think he likely has CPTSD! I’m not going to list anything for adhd or cptsd since we both agree on those :) As far as being autistic goes, there is, of course, the high prevalence of adhd/asd comorbidity. For specifc traits- while autism can show up as lack of facial expressions/tone, it can also show up as being overly exuberant and overexpressive. Especially for younger autistic children this can show up as being overly friendly/no boundaries w/ strangers (just?? going home with a random man who says he knew wwx’s parents???), making unusual connections that others do not can be both asd and adhd, his disregard for social status (disregard might be a strong word, and also I feel like this might be one of those things that got lost in translation and if I had read the original text I might have a different opinon, but what I mean here is the way that often autistic people learn certain social rules and try their best to follow them, but often do not pick up on specifics related to social hierarchy that are not spelled out for them- I think jyl’s take down of jin zixun is a great example of the /oppossite/ of what I’m talking about, and is a very neurotypical interaction. An example also of what I mean by disregard for social hierarchy, but from my own life, is how I’ve reflected on past convos w/ my boss only to realize that what I thought was just an interesting conversation about our opinons on a particular subject was actually them trying to tell-me-as-my-boss something they wanted me to do. We ended up doing things the way I wanted to do them because I didn’t realize that they were telling me to do something because they didnt explicitly say so, and because I just don’t pick up on when people are saying something from a social hierarchy pov. Idk if this makes sense or not, so I’m happy to try to expand if you would like me to. I feel like wwx could be described as having alexithymia, which is very common in autistic people, but could also be due to his cptsd. And then, I don’t feel like this is a true point because it is kind of based on headcanon? but wwx feels very demisexual to me, which is much more common for autistic people than it is for allistic people. But him being demi is not canon, just my perception of him (I see him as demisexual gay w/ massive comphet, but I know lots of people see him as bi, which also totally makes sense!!)

Tbh, I’m having a harder time than I thought I would listing wwx specifics. I might go through the book sometime this weekend and see if there are specific moments that pop out at me, but tbh w/ him its more that he Feels very adhd/asd to me?? Idk, I was diagnosed w/ adhd when I was 8, and all 4 of my siblings plus my father have offical adhd diagnoses. I’m 29 now and was only diagnosed as autistic earlier this year.  All of my close friends have always been either adhd, asd, or adhd/asd. There have been multiple people I have met that I’ve suspected were neurodivergent who have later told me they started looking into it and are now seeking formal diagnoses. I mention these things, only to give full context when I say that I have spent a lot of time observing the differences between interacting with neurotypicals and neurodivergents. I mean, obviously, it’s possible that I could just be projecting, but to me, Wwx gives off late-diagnosed/heavy masker autism/adhd combo vibes. Again, maybe I am projecting, but I did try to analyze whether I was or not previously, and determined that since in the past with other favorite characters (who I probably share more similarities in personality with) I did not feel like they were neurodivergent, so I figured that probably I wasn’t? That feels like a very convoluted sentence, but what I mean is that I have not thought that about other characters who have been my fav, so I figured that while I do project in certain areas that this particular area probably wasn’t one of them. Or, to say it in yet another way, since i did not project any of my neurodivergencies on past favorite characters, I figured I probably didn’t start doing so now.

I would love to hear more of your perspective on this, particularly because I worry that I do not have the cultural touchstones to realize when something wwx or lwj is doing is not actually a sign of being neurodivergent. I try my best to research things I don’t know about and to listen to fans who actually do have that cultural understanding, but there’s only so much I can look into on my own when I only speak/read english. And also, I love mdzs and I love talking about both adhd and autism, so I’m glad to talk about these subjects with someone else who also likes all of those topics :) Sorry for sending a book of a response and also I hope you are having a great day!!

wow wow wow anon THANK YOU for doing your research and acknowledging your blind spots you seriously made my day. I wanted to get to this as soon as I made that rant while sharing cyan’s post bc this is specifically an example of a well researched proposition based on actual lived experience and critical thinking.

I almost want to ask you to come forward so we can take this convo elsewhere for a more nuanced discussion bc you’ve already hit upon an issue that’s been holding me back from making a big blathering masterpost on the matter - that the ND experience is so unique and individual, and no one person can dictate someone else’s experience. at the end of the day, if you personally relate to these characters and gain more understanding of yourself and your experiences from them, who am I to take that away from you?

in a public space though I have to make the discussion very broad in order to accurately contextualize these issues, bc in typical autistic fashion I feel morally compelled to Do My Best and Get It Right even as the masses show no inclination of returning the favor, so apologies for the boring backstories I have to get out of the way before we can approach anything resembling new ground.

first from a diagnostic standpoint, while I recognize the traits you listed (and appreciate your clearly nuanced understanding of ND expressions) and would find value in exploring them in a personal context, they are not unique to adhd and/or autism and wouldn’t constitute a basis for diagnosis in a clinical setting. I know that's probably beside the point for this anon, but there's enough edgy teens hoarding labels out there without tacit encouragement from scientists (yes I am technically a scientist, even though my ideologies these days range from conventional to... wildly esoteric, shall we say)

from a cultural standpoint, it’s important for me to emphasize that the concept of neurodivergence is a uniquely western notion. for those unfamiliar, the term 'neurodiversity' was only coined in 1998. I was born in 1991. I existed for a whole 7 years as an autistic person before the idea of being neurodivergent was even a thing. this ND acceptance thing is very, very new - people were not making tiktok confessionals about their adhd diagnosis journeys when I was growing up.

china, like most asian countries, is about 20 years or more behind on just about every social issue compared with western countries. to better illustrate, the experience of being ND in china falls much closer to the conventional experience of disability (i.e. being eugenicized out of existence) than the tentative ND acceptance movement that’s been kickstarted in the past 20 years in the anglosphere.

safe to say, there is no ND coding going on in chinese media. characters are either explicitly ND or they're not. there's no basis for a creator subtly inducing ND-like traits in a character, because there's no such thing as ND awareness in the cultural context of where mdzs was written and consumed. any resemblance is purely accidental, as they say.

as to how this resemblance could exist - I could go into the layers and layers of historical, cultural, social and religious context that make up these characters and the xianxia genre as a whole. for this anon in particular i'm happy to, because they've done the work. please please get in touch in some way where we can have a fully fleshed out chat if you're interested in taking this further, I realize i’ve basically addressed none of the finer points you’ve raised but honestly it’s another level of discussion to be had that cannot be summarized in one blog post haha.

as for those who would scream 'but special interests!!' at a character whose sect was founded by a literal monk - what would be the point?

PS. to comprise a starting point for why it's possible to see ND4ND everywhere in media if you looked hard enough - I refer you to the seminal red oni blue oni trope 💁‍♀️

#neurodivergence #neurodiversity #actuallyautistic #autism #adhd #danmei #mo dao zu shi #the untamed #mdzs #lan wangji #wei wuxian

[rae-is-typing]

kicked out

Description: You’re a part of the LGBTQ+ community, but your mother is a part of a religion that hates the LGBTQ+ community. You come out and she kicks you out. Tony helps. 

Characters: reader, reader’s mother, Tony Stark, mention of Peter Parker

Reader is gender neutral!

Warnings: homophobia, transphobia, general hate towards those in the LGBTQ+ community, intense bigotry, being kicked out, anxiety attack

Disclaimers: This one shot is not meant to be one about hating religion. This piece was loosely based on my own internal struggle with myself and the religion I was raised in. I’ve also never dealt with direct backlash because of my identity. I’m not out yet and I have no desire to be out yet. This is the worst case scenario I would be facing if I did come out.

I tried to make the religion and the identity as ambiguous as possible to make it a little more universal, but this one shot definitely points to the identity being gay, queer, bi, or pan, so I’m sorry I didn’t make it anymore neutral.

If you have a problem with this fic or the way it was written, I urge you to message me. We can have a conversation about where I went wrong and how I can learn from the experience and do better in the future.

Word count: 2k

The Avengers love you, plain and simple. How could they not grow to love the adorable teen they let into their unconventional family? (If Tony had his way, he would legally adopt you in a heartbeat.) Unfortunately for Tony, you had a mom. She was a pretty good one, she fed you, clothed you and supported you in most things you did. You moved to New York together when your father died. Your mother was also very religious. You were born and raised in the church your mother and father were raised in. You never had a problem with it; the people were amazing, the community was like a big family, you grew up with all the youth, and, most importantly, felt loved and safe. You rallied together against what they claimed to be of the devil. That included people in the LGBT+ community. When you grew up, you realized how you truly feel about people of your sex, and how you feel about people of the same sex. It started slowly. You began to accept that part of yourself when you met someone like you. He was nice, compassionate, accepting of others and helped everyone he could. He was one of the best people you’ve ever met. He was nothing like what you’re mother and religion told you LGBTQ+ people were like. What had really convinced you that the LGBTQ+ are real people was when one of your closest friends came out. You accepted them, they were not only in the same boat as you (not that you were ready to tell anyone), they were one of you. But not everyone thought so. You saw it whenever you went to church and they were at the meetings. It didn’t make sense to you. They were one of you, right? So they got a pass. Apparently not. You knew through the disappointed and judgemental eyes burning with disgust. It made you sick and only further solidified your resolve to stay in the closet. You soon learned it was easier said than done. Whenever you wanted to avoid the rallies, you chickened out and went, too afraid to disappoint your friends and mother. You always stuck to the standards and tried to be the perfect child your mother always wanted. It was exhausting. Admittedly, you saw the difference between your congregation, and the Avengers when you first met them. They were the first people you could truly be yourself with. As cheesy as it sounds, it was evident. They encouraged your individuality and loved you because of your personality and your abilities. 

You could talk to them, and you did. You told Peter first. He hugged you and told you that he’s bisexual and hasn’t come out to May yet. 

You told Tony about yourself a week later. He smiled at you, wrapped an arm around you and told you he was proud of you for discovering yourself and beginning to accept that part of you. It was something you didn’t expect, not that it wasn’t welcome. You were on top of the world for a couple weeks, thankful that some of the most important people in your life loved you still. But as of late, your thoughts about yourself have been killing your spirit. You were so tired of pretending. The toll it took on you was obvious to everyone that didn’t know you as the perfect sheep. The people that were worried the most were the Avengers. You were at the tower a lot more than usual, not that they were complaining. It was just odd. You hesitated when they asked you simple questions, spaced out a lot more, ate less and claimed you felt sick almost every other day. They’d share concerned glances and tried to talk with you, but you’d brush it off and used school, drama or headaches to excuse your strange behaviour. It worked- for a while. Then you stopped going to the tower completely. It wasn’t your fault. Your mother heard you say one positive thing about the LGBTQ+ community and freaked out. She went off saying that it was the Avengers corrupting you and that she never should have let you take the Stark internship in the first place, and so much more. You had never heard her yell so much in your life, it was terrifying. She stopped letting you go out, you were only allowed to go to School and Church, took away all forms of technology and outside communication. 

You were going crazy, there was no way you could keep living like this. So, you told her. You finally told her what you are, how you felt and why she shouldn’t make decisions for you when you were perfectly capable of making them yourself. You had waited a couple weeks, so you thought she’d be more level headed. But, you were wrong. She freaked out more than before. 

You knew for a fact that it was worse than before because she kicked you out.

You were shocked, confused and most of all hurt. You’re a part of the LGBTQ+ community, but she was still your mother. 

“What?” You asked, confusion lacing you voice. 

“You heard me, get out. Get out of my house.” Your mom stated firmly, disgust obvious in her voice. 

“You can’t do this, I’m your child!”

“Not anymore. You have until I get back, get you stuff and get out!” She shouted, walking out and slamming the door. 

You sat on the couch until her words sank in. Your mother is kicking you out.  

I’m homeless now. Where am I going to go? What am I going to tell my friends, what am I going to tell Peter? What am I going to tell Tony? What am I going to do? I can’t do it on my own. I can’t do it. I can’t… 

Your breathing sped up, your heart races, and waves of nausea hit you hard.

Nevertheless, you got up and searched for your phone. As soon as you found it, you eagerly dialled in his personal number and called. He didn’t answer. You wanted to cry, you tried again with no answer. You plugged in your phone, put your head in your hands and sobbed. 

Moments later, your phone rang. It was Tony. 

“Tony,” You breathed out. 

“Y/N! Where’ve you been, kid? It’s not as fun here without you.” His tone was light and relieved now that he could talk to you and make sure you’re okay.

“Tony, my mom, she- I- I wouldn’t have called if I had another option, I’m sorry, it’s just-”

“Whoa, hey, slow down and take a deep breath, Y/N.” His tone changed from fun to concerned in an instant. “What happened with your mom?”

“I-I told- I told her about me and that- that I- and she- Tony I can’t- she- I don’t-” You’re crying hard, unable to form coherent sentences and unable to breathe properly. 

“Y/N, where are you?” Tony asked.

“H-home.” 

“I’m coming over, stay on the line with me sweetheart, can you do that?”

“Ye-eah.”

As promised, you didn’t hang up until Tony was standing in front of you- Iron Man suit and all. He immediately pulled you in his arms when he got the suit off and began to calm you down.

“Can you tell me what happened now, kid?”

“She kicked me out.” You spoke into his chest. 

“She what?” Tony growled. How could a mother be so cruel? Anger flooded his veins, how could someone turn away from their child for simply being honest with themselves?

“I’m sorry, I wouldn’t have called you if I had any other option. Please don’t be mad, I’m so sorry.” You bury your face in his chest, wanting this day to be a bad dream. 

“It’s good you called me, Y/N. I’m not mad, not at you.” Tony held you in his arms, cradling your head against his chest and rubbing an arm up and down your back. There’s no hesitation, he knows that he needs to be there for you. “You’re staying with me.” 

“W-what?” 

“My dear, you are coming back to the tower. You will be sleeping, eating, doing your homework, socializing, and living with me and the rest of us at my tower. Okay?”

You can only nod, too overwhelmed to speak while clutching the back of Tony’s shirt like it was the only thing that was keeping you alive. He kept rubbing your back and letting you cry into his chest. Right now, his comfort doesn’t matter to him, not when his kid is crying in his arms.

It seems, though, that he’s the only one that heard the door begin to open. 

Tony grips your forearm and steps in front of you. Your mother opens the door with puffy red eyes and dried tears on her face. She looks genuinely sad for what she had to do, but that look of sadness dissipates when she sees Tony and you standing in her living room. 

“What are you doing here?” She hisses. “What is that doing here?" 

"Y/N, go to your room and pack what you want to take.” Tony’s voice is even and strong. You hesitate, tears still streaming down your face, fingers still clutching Tony’s clothes like you were a toddler hiding from another adult. “Y/N, now.”

You turn briskly, running down the small hallway and into your room. You lock the door, rip your suitcase from your closet and stuff all of your sentimental items first before your favorite clothes. 

Their voices are easily heard through the thin apartment walls. You hear Tony defending you and your mom berating you. 

“That thing is not my child. I did not raise a sinner!”

“Y/N is a human being with a name that you gave them. You are their mother, mothers are supposed to love their children, not throw them out like yesterday’s garbage.”

You’ve never heard Tony this angry. 

I shouldn’t have called him, he’s mad, she’s mad, I made her mad, she hates me she hates she hates me she hates me

You grabbed a pillow and cried in earnest into it, managing to cover your ears as well as your mouth to muffle your sobs and the voices coming through the walls.

A knock at your door makes you jump and hold your breath. 

“Y/N, it’s me. Are you ready to go?” Tony says. You can hear the anger that was in his voice, even if he’s trying to stay as calm as he can for you. 

“Yeah,” you croak, wiping your face. You grab the bag and open the door. Tony is shaking with fury, but he wraps an arm around you and walks you to the living room. Your mother says nothing to you as she sits on the couch with a prideful look on her face. “We’re flying back to the tower so I need you to hold on tightly and do not let go under any circumstances.” 

You nod at the instructions and Tony suits up. The quiet mechanical sounds are music to your ears. He places an arm on the middle of your back and hooks one under your knees. He hoists you up easily, the bag resting your chest and held tightly by you. 

Tony flies slower and lower than usual, keeping you in mind. You have one arm around his neck and the other holding the bag to your chest. He lands on a balcony to one of the top floors and carries you inside. Placing you on the ground with care, he holds your shoulders and assures himself you’re stable. He takes off the suit and walks you to a room. 

“You can stay here for now. I’ll talk with Pepper and the team about what happened. I’ll only tell them that you’re staying for awhile. You can tell them the other news when you’re ready.”

You nod. He closes the door and you sit on the bed, staring at the wall. 

A feeling of deep longing grows in your chest, along with feelings of rejection and pain. Your head drops to your hands and all you can do is cry.

#tony stark x reader #iron man x reader #tony stark x teen!reader #iron man x teen!reader #avengers x reader #peter parker x reader #peter parker #tony stark #iron man #spiderman #the avengers #avengers x teen!reader #tw: anxiety #tw: homophobia #tw: bigotry #tw: using religion to justify hate #tw: kicked out #avengers tower #avengers fanfiction #fanfiction #hurt/comfort #this one is heavy... #gender neutral reader #gender neutral!reader #irondad #protective tony stark #Tony Stark is a whole dad

[aphroditeslesbian]

hi

I was also raised 7th day Adventist and I’m a closeted lesbian. I don’t hate my religion..because I personally didn’t have a bad experience with it in my childhood, but it clashes a lot with my beliefs and well parts of my identity. I’m feeling a bit helpless because this religion has been a big part of my life, a lot of strong women I look up to in my life are sda, and my local sda community is very wholesome. And by now you can sense my reluctance in letting it go. I’ve been coping by thinking I should find a gay-friendly sda church once I move out.. if I ever get married. What’s your journey been like? 🪴

Hey! I don't meet a lot of sda online, it's interesting to hear a different perspective. I'm gonna go into everything, bc my experiences with sda really shaped me, and yeah, it's been a wild, not so fun ride.

Basically I was baptized catholic as an infant, but my family isn't practicing catholic. My mom is very religious, and wanted me to have a good education... In Brazil, we have very poor public education in primary and secondary school, and the best schools are the private ones... Which are also religious schools. So I wound up studying in a sda school from kindergarten to highschool graduation.

So from a young age (4 yo) I was raised on my school's religious beliefs. I was really involved, and my childhood best friend was also sda, she lived a couple floors down from me and we'd hang out often, and her family would bring me to church on Saturdays (there was a sda church across the street from the apartments we lived in). I was the staple Christian child, I prayed every night and every morning, apart from all the prayer at school ofc. At 8yo they did a talk at school about the importance of baptism, and I asked my parents to allow me to be baptized as sda. My mom surprisingly didn't want me to be baptized again, not so young, but my dad said I should do what I wanted, so I was baptized again at the school's church. Literally the school had an auditorium for our weekly religion-related classes, which we called "chapel", and was basically like going to church – but mandatory, as it was during school time. This specific school also had a church built on the side, so yeah.

During my early childhood through preteen years I had no issues with the school's teachings and sda ideology. It was all I had ever known, my family encouraged religion and we'd also sometimes (rarely) go to catholic church. I honestly didn't even realize people could not believe in god until I was 12/13.

I had never really heard much about being gay, or being anti gay during primary school - I may have forgotten having ever heard it from teachers. I only heard about homophobia from peers, and so I knew that being gay was a bad, evil, gross thing.

When I was around 11/12 we moved to a smaller town, and I started at a smaller Adventist school. I was the only one in my small newly found friend group who was baptized, and moving was very traumatic for me, so I started becoming less active in church. I became severely depressed because of the move and other stuff at home, and turned to the internet for a distraction.

I first heard about atheism from a youtuber, and he was known for his controversial takes (he's pretty nasty, it's only gotten worse with time but anyway). I guess a mixture of depression, becoming a teen, having my rebellious phase, I started researching into it.

My religion teacher (we had "religion" classes, but they should really have been called "7th Day Adventism classes") was much harsher than the one I had at my first school. This was around the time that Twilight was a big deal, and I read those books sooo many times for comfort, I got into Harry Potter etc. Not long after I moved to this school, we had a religion class about how Harry Potter was inspired by the devil. My books were often confiscated during class, even if I had already finished my assignments and was reading quietly, even if they were just on my desk. Being super depressed and introverted, with very few friends, books were my refuge. Having the teachers look down on them and literally say they were devilish and evil really started to shift my view of the religion. I knew these were good books, I loved them. So how could they be evil?

I have a very strong memory of praying and praying once and begging Jesus and god to help me, to give me a sign, because I was terrified of losing my religion, of losing god. All I had learned my whole life was that god is good, god is love etc. How come god wasn't helping me, my family, through some of the worst times? How come I was alone?

At around 12/13 my cousin came out to me as bi, and soon after another cousin came out as gay. I barely fully understood what that meant, and the internet was again where I researched about it. I realized I liked girls at the time, but I never understood you could even be married to a woman, as a woman. Even though I knew I liked and was attracted to girls, I never let myself think too much on it. The school was pretty obvious about how marriage is between a man and a woman, our "sex talk" was a class with our religion teacher. Bio talk was split, the boys left the room so we could learn about female anatomy and stuff, and then the boys had the room, etc. Our religious teacher was very adamant about how one shouldn't have sex before marriage, and marriage was between a man and a woman so...

Honestly the basework they laid was to erase homosexuality. I didn't even grasp that I could be anything but attracted to girls, I didn't realize I could do anything about it.

And then in highschool, I guess bc we were old enough, they finally started being outspoken about their hatred of gay people. There would be snide comments from the Portuguese/Lit teacher, a disgusting talk from the History teacher about how gay men's sexual activity leads to anal incontinence, the Religion teacher saying it was wrong, comparing it to criminality, the school's vice principal giving us a lecture and making sure to hammer in the worst thing anyone could turn out to be was homosexual.

At this point I thought I was okay with my same sex attraction, I thought these things weren't getting under my skin. But then I learned about being trans, and I came to the conclusion that since I was into girls, I couldn't be a woman. I identified as trans from around 15-19. That was internalized misogyny and homophobia, that was me actually letting all the snide little comments settle deep in me, and shape who I was.

Anyway, at around 14 I was done. School was teaching us that bastard kids aren't blessed by god (me and my siblings are all "bastards" as my parents were never married). They told us couples who lived together and we're never married were not blessed by god, and implied they were bound to have issues for their sin.

I was a teenager living in a broken home, my father was emotionally abusive to me and my mother, and honestly at the end of the day I had to choose if I wanted to believe in a god who was supposedly love itself, yet didn't protect me and my young siblings and my mom... Or not believe in god at all.

Leaving the church and coming to terms with not believing in god was one of the toughest times in my life. My depression was in the gutter, I was self harming, I was struggling. I remember thinking of my cousins, whom I was very close with growing up, and knowing they were good people, so how could god not love then? I remember thinking of myself, of all I had done for the church, for god, and wondering how could god not accept me.

For me, the church was poison. I only saw hypocrisy, I saw people who judged each other, who cared more about their own concepts of right and wrong than being mindful of others. I saw my teachers who preached being kind, but ridiculed and laughed at other religions and those who believed them. When I was questioning religion, I always had sooo many questions for my religion teacher and so often she just told me that some questions were too big for us to understand, that only god could fully comprehend himself.

I'm proud to have come out the other side, but I won't lie. The community that church represents does seem so lovely and welcoming. I wanted to be a part of something, and church offered that.

But at the end of the day, there's no space for me, a lesbian, in there. They don't believe gay marriage is okay, they don't condone our "lifestyle". They think this is a choice we're making, and a bad one at that.

The childhood friend I mentioned earlier, who I used to go to church with, actually came out as a lesbian a couple years ago as well. Her sda family is giving her a really hard time. She's left the church, last I heard.

Honestly, my advice would be to find other community. Find community with other lesbians, people who can accept you unconditionally, who can offer you support without small print. That's what I'm trying to do.

I personally am against christianity for a lot of other reasons besides my very negative experiences. Maybe that's not you, and in that case I guess finding a church that is LGB friendly can be the answer. I couldn't judge anyone for choosing to stay, because like I said I really understand how nice it can feel, how it's like you belong in this community, how it can feel like the church is family.

But I really suggest deep soulsearching, because in my experience all they ever did for me was suck all my energy, all my devotion, and spit me out when I was never going to be the heterosexual good girl they expected me to be.

Sorry for the super long answer, I hope this helps some? If you wanna talk more in private you can hit me up through DMs, I'm very willing to listen and talk about it.

#anti religion #sda #august rants #homophobia #lesbophobia #misogyny

[shieldwinter]

Stucky Fic Rec [Part Three]

Part Three of the fic rec coming at you! Sorry for it coming so late in the day - I was finishing up reading a fic that I wanted to add to this part!  I do only add fics that I’ve read, and enjoyed, to this rec so (once again) there will be few, if any, ABO and Shrinkyclink fics!  As always; I will provide the Google Doc link where I update the rec regularly, but if you’d prefer it formatted here on tumblr, it is under the cut! If you want to recommend fics, go for it!

Google Doc Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/10wqr5s-CzkFzLidQgt-y4-cjudHWwVeVPWCedMjK7t0/edit

Don’t Leave Me Asunder

        Word Count: 31.1k         Rating: Teen and Up         Notable Tags: Shrunkyclunks, Veteran!Bucky, Amputee!Bucky         Warnings: None         Synopsis: Like many other war veterans, Bucky Barnes is alone. He doesn't talk to his family, he has no friends and his only human interactions are with his cleaning crew from Avengers Tower. Plagued by nightmares and pain, he lives each day in isolation. Until the Avengers bring their fight at home and Bucky gets to meet the famous Captain America. To his surprise, both their lives change forever after that.

Far Strayed

       Word Count: 18.3k        Rating: Mature        Notable Tags: Post CACW, Pre Infinity War        Warnings: None        Synopsis:  “They’re not going to stop coming after me,” Bucky tells Steve, somewhere in the air above Siberia. “Let them come,” Steve replies, furious still.  After Siberia, instead of seeking refuge in Wakanda, Bucky and Steve go on the run.

All My Chances Again

         Word Count: 20.6k          Rating: Explicit          Notable Tags: Time Travel, Endgame Fix-It          Warnings: Smut          Synopsis: I love him, Steve thinks into the spiraling ether; I love him; let me tell him. Give me the chance to set that one thing right. If I can’t rest for saving him, let me give him all of me and hope that it’s enough. Or; Steve gets lost in the time matrix, and begs for an out. Seems confession is good for the soul—or so he hopes.

I, Barnes 

        Word Count: 76.7k         Rating: Explicit         Notable Tags: Bi!Steve, Bi!Bucky, Period-Typical Homophobia         Warnings: Heavy Smut, Talk of Suicide, Non-Consenual Vouyerism, Panic Attacks          Synopsis: When Steve finally finds Bucky and brings him home to New York, their reunion doesn't go as planned. Bucky disappears into the bowels of the tower, avoiding Steve at all costs. Bucky believes himself to be broken beyond repair, unworthy of any contact with Steve Rogers. But having finally gotten a taste of being around Steve again, Bucky can't just leave - he needs Steve. In ways he believes prove he's a monster unfit to live.

If Steve Rogers Were Your Boyfriend 

          Word Count: 70.2k           Rating: Mature           Notable Tags: Cafe!AU, Barista!Steve, Author!Bucky           Warnings: Abusive Relationship (not Steve and Bucky)            Synopsis: When he's not editing a magazine he truly loathes or navigating a rocky relationship he truly doesn't deserve, Bucky Barnes writes a fantasy romance column with an unexpectedly loyal internet following about the barista at his favorite cafe. Barista Boyfriend makes these other worlds bearable, but the real world dreamboat isn’t remotely involved; Steve Rogers is just a muse. Everyone loves the column. And it definitely isn’t killing Bucky very gently in 500 word increments, not in the slightest. What kind of a writer can't keep fact and fiction straight? James Fuckin' Barnes, that's who.

Love Me Tender

          Word Count: 13.1k           Rating: Teen and Up           Notable Tags: Canon Divergence            Warnings: None           Synopsis: Steve is captured by Hydra, who for lack of any other containment options, activate the Winter Soldier and order the man to "take care of Captain America". They really should have been more specific. - OR: Taking care of Captain America is a task that the Soldier's body seems to remember how to do, even if he doesn't understand why.

Falling Back on Forever 

          Word Count: 24k           Rating: Explicit            Notable Tags: Revenge Road Trip, Identity Porn           Warnings: Smut           Synopsis: Bucky falls from the train in 1945. Steve jumps right after him. The Winter Soldier and the Midnight Patriot are the world's most feared duo, serving HYDRA and leaving a trail of bodies a mile wide behind them. But then they remember.

Wishes and Words

         Word Count: 48.2k          Rating: Explicit          Notable Tags: Fantasy!AU, Prince!Steve          Warnings: Smut, Past Torture          Synopsis: Life is going great until the day Bucky Barnes finds Crown Prince Steven Grant bleeding out on his lands. Then it only gets better.

How Bucky Barnes Won His Second Pulitzer

         Word Count: 11.6k          Rating: General Audience          Notable Tags: Shrunkyclunks, Protective Steve          Warnings: None          Synopsis:  It isn’t like him and Steve go out frequently. Sometimes he’ll stop by Bucky’s apartment and they’ll binge watch tv shows, or Steve will tell him stories from ‘back in the day’. They’ve only gone out in public two or three times and it was merely quick runs to get coffee, or more popcorn.  So Bucky really doesn’t understand where this Hydra asshole is coming from when he says: “The reason we took you is because we know the Captain will come running right into our trap.” (aka: bucky is an award winning journalist who really doesn't appreciate being used as bait for a beefed up, spandex-clad super soldier.)

Maybe This Christmas

          Word Count: 24.8k           Rating: Teen and Up           Notable Tags: Shrunkyclunks, Christmas           Warnings: None           Synopsis: Bucky’s not going home for Christmas. But it’s fine. He’s spending Christmas alone in his apartment, but it’s cool. He’s not feeling up to seeing his family after his accident anyway, plus he has to work. He’s totally fine with it. But then he runs into Steve, literally, and suddenly his Christmas isn’t looking so empty after all.

6 Avenue Local

         Word Count: 10.6k          Rating: Teen and Up          Notable Tags: No Powers!AU, Veteran!Bucky, Graphic Designer!Steve          Warnings: None          Synopsis: It takes a moment for Steve to add up the features on the man in front of him: those blue-grey eyes, a cleft chin, high cheekbones. Sure, he's older, dirtier, taller, but there's only one person Steve knew who looked like that. "Bucky?" he asks. "Bucky Barnes?" It's been so long since he's said that name out loud. "Yeah, I..." Bucky pauses. "Oh fuck," he says. "I missed my stop." Steve smiles. “Wanna get a burger?” he asks, noting the happy coincidence that Bucky Barnes, of all the people in New York, fell asleep in the same subway car that Steve would walk into, and missed his stop. “Sure,” Bucky says with a shrug. “I could eat.”

Kingdom Come

          Word Count: 8.2k           Rating: Teen and Up           Notable Tags: Missions Gone Wrong, Angst w/ Happy Ending           Warnings: Near Death Experience           Synopsis: “It’s too late, Steve,” Bucky’s voice across the comm is flat, layered with static. “The deadlock’s irreversible. S’the only way.” Steve knows what nearly dying feels like; knows it better than most, and this—those words, that voice, this impossible burning that courses through him like the serum in reverse, this. This is so much worse than nearly.

Just Me, You, and These Shitty Cigarettes

        Word Count: 39.8k         Rating: Explicit         Notable Tags: Modern!AU, Veteran!Bucky, Barista!Bucky, Artist!Steve         Warnings: Smut, Dubious Consent         Synopsis: Steve Rogers is pretty sure Natasha's new roommate is trying to kill him. Which he wouldn't mind considering he's been helplessly in love with him since they were thirteen.

Where All Roads Lead

        Word Count: 46.1k         Rating: Explicit         Notable Tags: Shrunkyclunks, Time Travel, Historian!Bucky         Warnings: Smut         Synopsis: When Steve Rogers inadvertently touches a relic in the course of a mission gone sideways during WWII, he’s catapulted seventy years into the future. Before he's even sure where he's ended up, his search for help puts him in contact with Bucky Barnes, a historian and college professor who has built a career around studying Captain America. With Bucky's help, Steve means to find out how exactly he ended up in 2017, and solve the bigger mystery of how to get home. There's just one problem. The closer they get to their goal, the less certain Steve is that he wants to go home.

Énoument

         Word Count: 77.9k          Rating: Mature          Notable Tags: Shrunkyclunks, Meet-Cute          Warnings: Smut          Synopsis: When Steve first met Sergeant James Barnes during the New York invasion, he flipped Steve off for calling him a civilian, then roundhouse kicked an alien in the face. They haven't stopped talking to each other ever since, and Steve thought it was normal for him to latch onto the first person who befriended him after coming out of the ice. Nope, turns out he was just pining.

Closed Book

         Word Count: 38.8k          Rating: Explicit          Notable Tags: Amnesia          Warnings: Smut          Synopsis: Bucky woke up with a headache, a mouth that tasted like something had died in it, and hands-down, swear-to-god, the most beautiful man he had ever seen asleep in his lap. Bucky was also, he realized after a moment, strapped down to a hospital bed with about six different monitors making unsynced, equally piercing, beeps. Beyond that he couldn’t quite see—there was a hideous floral curtain pulled around the bed, and while he could just make out figures moving in the room beyond it, the pattern made his head pound even worse the longer he looked at it. So. That was concerning.

#stucky #stucky fic rec #stucky fic #stevebucky #stevebucky fic #starbucks #wintersheild #steve rogers #bucky barnes #captain america #the winter soldier

[thisiskatsblog]

Hey, sorry if this is too personal or if you’ve already answered it. Would you mind telling how you realized you were bisexual? I’m kinda confused and struggling a bit 😫

Hi there! Warm hugs to you! Confusion happens. Struggling with that is really normal and okay. Whatever it is that’s confusing you, there’s probably a lot to unpack, but it’s good you’re not running away from it. For me, there were cues all along, but clarity came when for the first time, and this was in my mid- twenties, I allowed myself to sit with all of my feelings, without pushing any of them away. Because pushing them away, I only then realized, I had been doing for a very long time. 

It was almost insignificant. My partner commented positively on the female violinist at a Sparklehorse concert. I was really pissed and scolded him about it. He said I shouldn’t feel so offended as “She’s your type”. For a moment I felt like I was about to explode. He meant to say she looked like me, but for a second I understood something different. And I had a flash of realization. I had been about to act offended, which would have been blatantly homophobic, but underneath, I had also felt a tinge of relief, YES she WAS my type, I liked this woman, I’d do her. And it was this mix of “oh god I almost acted like a homophobic prick” and “oh god FINALLY someone GETS me” that made me realize - OH. I have these feelings, and they have been making me miserable, because I feel like I should be pushing them away. But what if I didn’t act like a prick to myself, what if I stopped being scared of them, stopped pushing them away? I watched the rest of that concert mesmerized by the wonder of my feelings for Sparklehorse’s cute violinist, and realized, yes, I feel sexual desire for women, and that’s never going to go away. My sexual desire for men had always been clear and without question to me, I knew that wasn’t going to go away either. So that was the start of a long, and still ongoing, journey of gradually looking my feelings in the eye, and starting to understand I was always going to feel attracted to more than one gender, and trying to navigate that fact in a biphobic and bi erasing world. It is not always easy and simple. I don’t feel I’m fully there; but looking it in the eye really made me a better, nicer, happier person.  

I have probably shared the full story in the past and I may have tagged it “bisexuality” or “me”, but I feel ya so I’m happy to tell the story again. Under the cut. And: always here to talk. 

Clearly it’s something that was always there, and the realization came in many many stages. When I first heard of the concept gay people (it was the eighties, in the context of AIDS) I asked my mom “but what if I turn out to be gay” and her absolute certainty that I wouldn’t, really did not sit right with me. I was 8 and could not imagine getting naked with anyone, but I could imagine marrying a girl. I think I already realized I liked some girls a bit more than others in my very early teens, but it took the form of strong admiration.  I grew up in a strongly religious and homophobic environment, incredibly powerful incentives all around to ignore those feelings, stay far away from them, not explore them, just, pretend they were not there and label them “I just REALLY want to be her friend”. Just blame that tingly feeling in your chest when you sat close and she talked in your ear on the strong smell of her perfume. And later, telling yourself this is a phase, a test. Yep, must be God testing me - praying (something i considered useless long before I lost all faith), but praying, probably the last time I did it, please God, help me, please let this go away. I cried an entire night long. And forgot about that episode for more than ten years. Pushed it as far as I could in my memory.

 Knowing for absolutely sure I liked guys, I was sure I could not be a lesbian (and didn’t want to be, the homophobia was deeply engrained) and I was sure this would eventually go away. And it did, I got a boyfriend, he was cool, and beautiful, and delicate, and he had long hair. Boyfriends came and went until I met a girl who instantly became my best friend on the day we met, and someone - probably thinking we looked cosy - handed us a flyer to an LGBT event at uni that same day (I should write a fic based on this I know). She said “let’s go, for fun”, and me, remembering the goddess from high school who had inspired my desperate prayers, though, yeah, I should look into this, and said, “yeah, for giggles”. We went and I... did NOT feel at home. I’m rather femmy, and most of the women there were pretty butch, and I just... did not feel attracted or like I belonged. I also didn’t like it when the groups split up and the guys went elsewhere. We watched a lame movie about a woman discovering herself and my friend had opinions. One of which was “I don’t want to go for the drinks after, you’re prettier than any of the girls here anyway, let’s go to mine and have some tea”. I am pretty flirt blind I have to tell you that at this point. Over all the years that we were best friends we emotionally functioned as a co-dependent couple, but I never took any of those things she said, like “you are more important to me than any boy could be” seriously. Like, at all. I was pretty dense. Plain stupid, really. But I agreed with her and said, yeah no, not interested, let’s have tea at your place. All the environmental homophobia had deeply hidden me from myself. So we stayed best friends who acted a bit like a couple. 

So i was completely oblivious, but it must have been around this time that I at some point woke up from a very sexy, pleasing dream, which I had not wanted to wake up from, and realized, hey, that was a girl, with delicious boobs, lush lips and beautiful curly hair I was just dreaming of. SHOCK. It was not a phase... By then I’d had sexual experiences, had grown comfortable with being a sexual being (coming from such a religious upbringing, that in itself took ages) and I could look it in the eye. Sexual desire for women. But I thought it was just that. Hmm, I apparently like thinking of sex with women. Not a hair on my head that considered a romantic relationship, building a life with a woman. It was before women could get married to eachother and have children. Ellen had come out maybe a year or two before, or three, or five, I don’t know - point is: I didn’t know any long term female couples. There were no examples.

That said, my friend and I were sometimes perceived as a couple (I will never forget the time someone congratulated us on planning to move in together, or the time someone called her my sweetheart instead of my friend (girlfriend and friend are the same word in Dutch, so I cannot imagine the times people used that word meaning something other than I took it for, or the times I said it and people took it for something else). But people really close to us thought we were an item. Except there were boyfriends, coming in and out of our lives through revolving doors. They generally didn’t bother me. I mean, mine, always delicate long haired boys, sometimes wearing makeup or girls’ clothes, DEFINITELY did not bother me. But they annoyed her. She never thought any of them was good enough for me. I didn’t think any of her boyfriends were quite good enough for her, but she was clearly also not serious about them, so they didn’t bother me. Until we made plans to move into an appartment together and she sent me househunting with her then boyfriend who was also looking for something, and he inadvertently said “i don’t need something big, I expect I’ll be spending most of my time at your apartment”. I cancelled the plans immediately and I didn’t even know why it hurt me so much. 

Worst. Breakup. Ever. She was extremely upset over it as well. People who knew us well could just not get what had happened. And it took me years to figure out how I had been separating my strong emotional attachment to her very neatly from any sexual attraction I felt to the female body. Years later, I figured out that my behaviour on a beach holiday with our respective temp boyfriends, had been pure jealousy and repression. One time she wanted to bathe topless and I got completely upset. My boyfriend was upset at me “not trusting him”, her boyfriend was upset at me “being a prude”, and she was upset at me refusing to look at her and “treating her like a slut” (I wish). But really I was scared shitless. I did not want to look at her boobs. Without being in any way conscious of it, I looked away to avoid having to recognize sexual feelings. That same holiday her boyfriend at some point stood stark naked on a table. I looked away from his private parts as well, a little less though, those feelings were also not desirable considering he was her boyfriend, but - you know - more familiar, and less scary. When I heard her bumping the headboard in the room next door, I wanted to have loud sex with my boyfriend too. 

And years later, I had sex with her boyfriend as well. After he’d long been dumped and replaced, after I’d cancelled the moving in plans. After she and I had tentatively started talking again. I begged him never to tell her anything about it ever. It felt like the worst betrayal, as I knew she had truly cared for him and I couldn’t bear for her to find out. I don’t think she ever did. I also never stopped feeling guilty about it. What she thought of me was the only thing I cared about. 

There was a short interlude with a hot redhead I’d developed sexual desire for, still not taking the possibility of a relationship with a woman seriously, and running into her in the underwear department with exactly the same set in her hands, and thinking, oh, to buy underwear for her, wrap it, gift it to her on her birthday, and that eliciting the picture of a longer term relationship with her, and thinking, yeah for her I might not mind people thinking i was gay, I’d be proud to introduce her to my friends - an easier thought to entertain when it’s entirely hypothetical and also realizing then: uhm. People thought I’d be a lesbian, like they now think I’m straight. Perhaps this is the reason why I do not know anyone who is bisexual. I just think of them all as straight, or gay. The invisibility of people who are bisexual was a really difficult one for me. It’s SO difficult to picture coming out as bisexual when no one you know is living any kind of example. Anyway. This was a fantasy, but a useful one in making progress towards understanding myself. 

Enter the man I ended up having a child with. He had been in the picture for a while. The “girlfriend” from before (that’s what I call her now) had always warned me off him, didn’t think we’d be a good match. But I really liked him, that wasn’t going away. So when it turned out he liked me too, we got together and it worked. It was our last year of uni, and after, she moved away for an internship, and I moved in with him. She visited once, which led to his confession that he hated her guts, and her confession that she hated his, followed by a list of denigrating comments about our living circumstances. She was clearly not supportive of the relationship that was everything to me so the decision was easy to cut her out. This was even worse than the first “breakup”, complete with nightmarish dreams and withdrawal symptoms. I kept dreaming about her an din those dreams we’d make up and apologize for all the horrible things we had said and done to eachother. I also kept having sexual dreams of Madonna, and a hot friend of ours. Which I’d discuss with my boyfriend. He could relate. It must have been around this time that I started truly questioning the nature of my lost relationship with the girl.

The relationship with my boyfriend was good but I did display some serious unpleasantness around... certain issues. I’d always had that with my boyfriends. I had issues with pictures of beautiful girls on their walls. Particularly if they had nice boobs. They had all seen that as inappropriate jealousy or prudishness. Jealousy it was, but not the kind they thought. To me, the realization FINALLY came as I was at a concert with my boyfriend, and he was talking appreciatively about a female violinist. I acted angry and upset. He called me a prude. I denied it. He called me jealous. I denied it. He thought I was acting like a pain in the ass anyway and said I should feel honoured, cause “She’s your type”, he said. 

And my brain went “Ah”. Indeed, she is my type. I’d do her. BUT I CANNOT SAY THAT AND I HATE YOU FOR BEING ABLE TO SAY THAT. I was jealous, cause he was allowed to express desire for women, and I felt that I was not. So that was it, my aha moment during a Sparklehorse concert. He had meant ‘she looks a bit like you’, I got him completely wrong, but I am so thankful I did. 

That’s unfortunately not the end of the story. But it was the turning point. I had finally understood. It was the starting point of me revisiting all the past issues, stringing all the beads I just painted for you together, making sense of my own story. I made a resolution then and there, that - whatever else - I was probably never ever going to come out, because bisexuality did not exist in my world,  but I would allow myself to feel sexual desire for women. I was going to stop hating myself for it, and I was going to stop hating others for being allowed to feel something I didn’t allow myself to feel. I instantly became a much more pleasant person to everyone I know. And enjoyed my raunchy dreams about Sparklehorse’s violinist, Madonna, and a certain redhead. 

On online fan forums I started migrating to LGBTQ content, it was my way of staying in touch with my community, as there was none in my real life. There was no local  bi group that I knew of, and though I did attend some lesbian parties with a lesbian friend, besides her, most lesbians I met were not very welcoming. The fact that I had a boyfriend of course did not help. I should not be blaming them. 

I found my people online. Started introducing myself to people I met online as bi. Started figuring out how I had been suppressing my sexual desire for women. Then when I couldn’t deny that anymore, had been separating my emotional attachment to women from sexual desire. Realized that societal heteronormativity had made it almost impossible for me to conceive of women as potential long term romantic partners. Casual sex with women I could definitely conceive of, and co-dependent strongly emotional more than friendships eclipsing all the men entering and leaving through revolving doors. But a healthy, stable, romantic, emotional and sexual partnership with a woman? That seemed impossible to me. 

I worked hard to change that, and opening my mind to it, and to the idea that sometimes, you love more than one person at the same time; This has really helped me accept my feelings, myself, who I am. And as I said, it made my life a lot better. It’s gradually allowed me to develop the confidence to come out to people I trust, friends, colleagues, and to try and find, and even build bi+ communities. It’s been great to meet and talk to other people who don’t fit into narrow categories, and allow themselves not to. 

Wishing you the very best on your journey; thank you for sharing with me; and always here to talk anon

#bisexuality #me #the story goes on quite a bit longer #but it's important for me to tell it #i am still trying to make sense of it #warm warm hugs anon #whatever comes to lie on the surface when you let it sit #there is a place of acceptance for you #and you are the first person who can give yourself that #Anonymous #ask

[boredangel]

Still Prideful (A Destiel Fanfic)

Castiel tried to hide it but Dean knew he was upset. Quarantine was getting on all of their nerves, but Cas only recently became as human as an angel can be. He deserved to experience everything, and everything had shut down.

Technically Cas was still an angel, so he couldn’t get sick and he could cure Sam and Dean. That doesn’t do much good though when people give you dirty looks for even going outside.

Dean wanted to do something for Cas and there were only so many blowjobs one could give. 

Dean came up with the idea the way many of his ideas started, with a clueless, dorky, angel.

“Dean, what’s pride?” Cas asked one lazy afternoon in the library.

“Hmmm?”

“Pride, I’ve seen it mentioned on the internet. Apparently it’s this month?”

“It’s sort of a celebration for people, well people like us.”

“Hunters?”

“No, like people who aren’t straight or cis.”

“The LGBTQIA+ community.”

“Yeah.”

“What happens?”

Dean rubbed the back of his neck. He’d spent most of his life in the closet and didn’t really know about this stuff . “I guess, like parades and stuff. Lots of rainbows everywhere.”

“Can we go to a parade?” Cas said excitedly.

“They’re all canceled due to the pandemic.” 

“Oh, okay.” Cas didn’t talk about it again.

*

Surprisingly he didn’t get it straight away. It was two days later when he shot up in bed (or he would’ve if Cas’ arms weren’t around him) and realized what he needed to do.

It took the help of one large moose, one red headed hacker, one half-angel kid, and lots of online shopping (with fake credit cards) to pull it together. But finally a week later it was ready.

Dean invited Cas on a drive to give Sam time to get things ready. Cas enthusiastically agreed, he’d once confided that with the windows rolled down, it felt like flying. And if that was flying, Dean couldn’t blame him for missing it. Wind in hair, rock music blasting, and an adorable angel by his side? Yeah, sign him up.

They didn’t actually plan to go anywhere on the drive. But Kansas had a lot of random fields so it’s no surprise they ended up in one. They spread a blanket out on the hood and propped up the cooler. Their conversations were easy, the silences between them even easier.

Sam texted Dean that Operation Rainbow Unicorn (Charlie’s idea) was ready when they were about half-way back to the bunker. Dean was lucky that he was so talented at driving without looking at the road, as he was able to grab his phone before Cas saw the text.

By the time they were five minutes away, Dean was tapping nervously on the wheel. What if Cas didn’t like it? What if it was too much? What if-

“Dean?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you okay?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m great.”

Castiel looked as if he was about to say something, probably call Dean out on his awful lying, but they pulled into the garage and Dean quickly got out of the car.

Cas followed him to the bunker door, which Dean opened for him with an “After you.”

Dean heard Cas gasp and walked into the room to see how it turned out. It looked like a unicorn threw up, which is kinda what he was going for.

Over the doorway to the library there was a sign that read ‘Happy Pride’ and on either side of it were two giant flags, a gay one and a bi one. Dean was pretty sure he told Sam that this was all about Cas, but Sam must’ve not listened and ordered the bi flag in secret. He appreciated it though.

The rest of the walls were covered in streamers and balloons and there was a giant sheet set up so they could project the Zoom meeting that Dean had set up.

Sam and Jack themselves were decked in color. Sam had a shirt that said ‘Ally’ in rainbow and Jack had changed his hair to multicolored using his mojo; they both had face paint on too. The map table was pushed to the side and covered in food.

“Dean…”

“I’m sorry. If you don’t like it, we can take it down or just-“ Dean said quickly.

“Dean, I can’t believe you did this all for me. Thank you. I-I don’t, it’s…” Castiel grabbed Dean and kissed him hard in the place of words. Dean got the message loud and clear.

They spent the night playing online board games with Charlie, Jo and Ash, Benny, and some other friends. Charlie has some video footage from past Prides that she played, and they watched Love, Simon. Which Dean thought was a teen movie, and while it was, it was pretty good.

*

Late that night, Dean and Cas were slow dancing in the middle of the room.

Sam and Jack had long since gone to bed, and the soft, swelling of music filled the large room.

Cas rested his head in the crook of Dean’s neck, and Dean kissed the top of his head.

“Thank you so much for this Dean. I know this isn’t really your comfort zone but you did it anyway.”

“I’d do anything for you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Dean knew that this quarantine would go on for a while, and that it was more likely than not that one of them would eventually get annoyed or mad. But for now? Right here, this was enough.

#supernatural #supernatural fanfiction #destiel #pride #castiel #dean winchester #established destiel

[rivalsforlife]

"Eventually Miles said, “Do you want to know when it happened, when I realized it, or when I came to terms with it?” / “You have three answers?” / “Technically four. Don’t be a hypocrite, you rejected me even though you were in love with me —”" and the rest of the scene if you want to haha, not a lot fits in the ask box :P

Alright!! I’ll do... most of the scene haha, there is one part of the scene I really want to point out, so I’ll once again put this under a keep reading so I don’t take up all this space on people’s dashboards...

Okay!

So basically this part of the scene existed because... I kind of wanted to touch on Miles’ perspective throughout this entire fic as well as a handful of headcanons for Miles and also so that I could fit in a bunch of narumitsu fluff in there somewhere, since my notes for this chapter were pretty much to just shove as much fluff as possible to make up for the rest of it. 

In some ways I’m kind of regretting talking about Miles’ perspective because that reduces some of my flexibility for possibly rewriting this fic entirely from Miles’ perspective OR the handful of jumbled scenes that could potentially form a sequel someday... but honestly writing has been like pulling teeth lately so who knows if that will happen at all. Either way I’m sure I’ll be able to get it to work somehow. (Also kind of... directly pointing out what Miles was feeling when it probably would’ve been a better decision to leave it implicit but WHATEVER TOO LATE NOW --)

“When did you fall in love with me?”

Miles didn’t say anything, and Phoenix might have thought he fell asleep again if it weren’t for his breathing. It didn’t line up with what Phoenix had learned from experience, when Miles fell asleep.

Eventually Miles said, “Do you want to know when it happened, when I realized it, or when I came to terms with it?”

“You have three answers?”

when you’re Miles Edgeworth emotions are waaaaay more complicated than they need to be huh. Since this scene was just Dumping Ground For My Headcanons they for the most part tend to line up with what I think most of the time, buuut I might go into more detail a little later.

“Technically four. Don’t be a hypocrite, you rejected me even though you were in love with me —”

Phoenix shushed him by clapping a hand over his mouth, except he missed in the dark and slapped Miles’ nose instead. “Whoops! Sorry. Okay. Give me all four.”

aww see they can laugh about it now like Miles didn’t cry for several hours after the rejection :’) 

“I should have guessed,” Miles sighed. He used the hand not currently squished against his side by Phoenix’s entire body to hold Phoenix’s hand, guiding it down from his face and holding it against his chest.

This is me trying to find a way to write affection in a way that isn’t totally awkward... uh so basicallyyyy I am not a very affectionate person and I don’t think Miles is particularly big on physical affection most of the time, so when I write him trying to express affection I typically go for subtler things... like hand-holding and such, because I think even that much would be a pretty big deal for him when it wouldn’t be for some other people.

Pretty much every time in this fic he initiates any form of physical touch (which is pretty often because he is attempting to Court Phoenix (ba dum tshhh)) it’s something that he’s deliberately thought through and deliberately initiated, as opposed to like... Phoenix who does it more unconsciously. (And of course not all of Miles’ initiation of physical affection is strictly romantic, I like to headcanon him making an effort towards platonic physical affection as well towards his friends + found family members... just putting this here to cover my bases so no one thinks every time Miles puts his hand on someone’s shoulder he’s flirting with them haha that’s NOT what I was going for, more that he’s aware that lots of people enjoy physical contact and see that as a way of expressing affection, and he’s trying to get better at expressing affection, and Phoenix happens to be one of those people he is expressing affection to, in both the platonic and romantic sense.)

(That was a very long paragraph for literally one sentence about affection hahahaha...)

“Well, I am fairly sure I had a crush on you in fourth grade.”

“No, you didn’t. I had a crush on you in fourth grade, I changed my whole career for you because of it. You were in love with your law books.”

“I told you I ‘liked’ you and you started talking about girls.”

“O-Okay, sorry I didn’t know about bisexuality when I was nine, give me a break here.”

I waver back and forth on whether Miles had a little baby crush on Phoenix in fourth grade or not, I guess when I wrote this I was feeling that way! Anyways this line is referencing the flashback part of chapter 3:

“Do you like anyone, Miles?”

Miles blinked. “I like you.”

Phoenix’s face reddened. “N-No, I meant like-like. You know, like a girl.”

Miles looked at the ground, and his face was red as well.

this fic would have been over with SO MUCH FASTER if Phoenix actually knew what he meant there -- 

My interpretation is pretty much always that Phoenix had a little baby crush on Miles in fourth grade, but it wasn’t until he got older that he realized that it was a crush and not just pure idolization -- which was definitely part of it too, and I could probably write thousands of words on how baby Phoenix’s idolization crush on Miles when he was younger shaped some of their interactions throughout the trilogy but I’m not going to get into that now. I thiiink I said in this fic somewhere that Phoenix didn’t realize he was bi until he was in his teens, so baby Phoenix just thought that Miles was His Best Friend Who He Wants To Hang Out With All The Time And Hold Hands With And If Miles Were A Girl Phoenix Would Want To Kiss Him, and at some point adult Phoenix remembers this train of thought and goes “... wait.”

As for Miles, in the universe of this fic he figures out that he’s gay pretty young, probably largely influenced by Larry talking constantly about girls while Miles complains to his father “I don’t know why Larry’s talking about how pretty [girl of the day] is, I think Phoenix has a nicer smile” while Gregory tries to pretend his laughter is him choking on his dinner. And I think Gregory was an excellent father who loved and supported his son, and probably talked about it a bit with him and made sure Miles knew he was always loved and supported no matter what and --

Anyways, there’s that.

The next paragraphs are mostly them talking about the situations where Miles did fall in love with Phoenix (Turnabout Goodbyes) and then realized it (after Farewell, My Turnabout/ when Phoenix fell off the bridge) then kind of... repressed it until post-canon because he didn’t think he was ready yet and they weren’t really in the right place. I don’t have much to say about it because it’s all pretty straightforward stuff...

Then Phoenix deflects Miles asking about when he fell in love, because Phoenix is still struggling a bit with expressing his emotions this way haha. Also because he was in denial for a really long time so he can’t quite pinpoint exact moments aside from “the moment Miles stood up for him during the class trial”, but much like Miles he’s probably had multiple realizations of love throughout his life.

My personal headcanons though is that Phoenix genuinely thought he was just helping out a friend throughout the trilogy... and then sometime during disbarment, possibly during one of those Europe trips, he realizes “oh crap I loved him the whole time”. Obviously in this fic Phoenix doesn’t realize he’s in love with Miles until the cherry blossom petals scene at the end of chapter 4 and then can’t quite articulate that feeling as love rather than more general attraction until the end of chapter 8 after reading Trucy’s note. (Where the last psyche-lock breaks!)

What I DO want to talk about though is this line at the end of the scene:

“It doesn’t matter when I realized it,” Phoenix whispered. “What matters most is that we’re here, together, now.”

No one’s pointed it out so idk if it was too subtle or too obvious that it didn’t need pointing out, but it’s a callback to this line in chapter 4:

Edgeworth stared at him with an unreadable expression, almost curious. “Well, you don’t have to say anything,” he said. “What matters most is that I can be here with you now.”

It’s a very slight difference in the last part of the dialogue, but an important one!! 

I had an interesting conversation with my best friend a while ago... long story short her brother was in a relationship for a long time with this one woman then they broke up and now he’s engaged to a different woman, and they dated for a shorter time than the first. And my friend says that she and her family knew that this was a different relationship and that she was “the one” because the way they talked about doing things was different -- more of a “we’re going to do [x]” rather than “she and I are going to do [x]”. This probably isn’t really a real thing so like... don’t use it to judge relationships around you... but I thought it was pretty neat.

So in the conversation in chapter 4, Miles says “What matters most is that I can be here with you now”, which is still like exceptionally romantic, but it still sees the two of them as separate entities -- whereas Phoenix in chapter 9 saying “What matters most is that we’re here, together, now” sort of phrases the two of them as more of a unit. ... not that they’re not still separate entities with their own lives outside of just each other of course but you know. you know. just having some fun with sentences!

Anyways that’s what I really wanted to talk about... I hope you enjoyed!!

#dvd commentary meme #the catch-up game #asks

[intergalactic-zoo]

I was almost ready to comment on how this series is using single-word episode titles, just like "Smallville" did, but now we've got this mouthful playing on a book that was roughly contemporary with that show. It's pretty clunky, but whatever. 

It's nice that this episode gave us a break from the Luthor story, choosing instead to focus on Lois's investigation and some good character moments for the Kents and Lana's family. The mantra that "life is simpler in Smallville" gets an explicit repudiation, some fences are mended, and some new mysterious antagonists are introduced.

Spoilers ahoy! 

If not for the enormous amount of COVID-imposed lead time this series had, and the amount of time it takes to write and record and add special effects to a live-action TV show, this episode would feel like a course correction for a lot of the problems I've had with the last couple of installments. 

I'm writing this a little longer after watching the episode than I typically have, so I'm going to go plot-by-plot rather than chronologically through the episode. 

Painting the House: a cute scene, and a good way to remind us that, even with all the drama and the teen angst, the Kents are a loving family. 

Jonathan & Jordan: Jordan joining the football team is a neat plot point that goes in unexpected directions, given how that kind of thing has typically played out in Superman stories. I like the way that it sets up conflict with Jonathan in the beginning, but eventually he realizes that Jordan's not trying to take away the thing that makes him feel special. Jonathan being the one to convince Clark to let Jordan play—and making the case that Jordan's abilities just even the playing field with respect to his size—is a good moment of solidarity and understanding for him. 

And Jordan, for his part, really does seem like he's found what he needed. Being able to take out some aggression on the football field—and having Clark's support—ends up being the key to getting a handle on his anger and being able to solve some problems with kindness rather than sulking and violence. I also appreciate that at least one of our initial antagonists—Sean—has moved out of that role, at least for now.

Coach Clark: There have been lots of attempts over the years to saddle Superman with various character flaws, but I think the one that fits best is being overprotective. On the macro scale, you get "Must There Be a Superman" and "King of the World," and on a micro scale you get stuff like this, being a bit of a helicopter parent and nearly losing Lois early in their relationship by eavesdropping. It rings true in a way that other attempted flaws—being dull-witted or indecisive—haven't. So it's nice here to see him realize it and acknowledge his mistakes, and to realize that he doesn't have to make the same choices his father did in order to keep his kids safe. After all, Jonathan Kent I didn't have superpowers. It'll also be nice for Clark to have a place to be earnest, mild-mannered Clark Kent, since he's outside the Daily Planet environment.

Lana and Sarah: Somewhere in my drafts I have a post about poor Lana Lang, a character made to fill a niche—the Lois Lane analogue for Superboy—and has never had much of a life outside of that niche. Every time Lana is introduced into adult Clark's life, she has a different deal. She's a TV reporter with a British accent, she's married to Pete Ross, she's a successful engineer, but she's almost always the girl whose life fell to pieces in one way or another after Clark Kent left. It's not fair to either character—Clark's presence in a person's life should elevate them, not devastate them—and while I understand the reason for giving her a failing marriage and conflicts with her children, I do want to see Lana have a happy ending in some adaptation or incarnation. 

Anyway, I like Sarah as a character, and it's interesting to see how her story parallel's Jordan's, with her mother's overbearing overprotectiveness leading to conflict. It creates a contrast between how Clark and Lana are handling their respective teenage offspring, and gives them a nice bonding moment. It's easy to see how these bonding moments could turn into Lana trying to rekindle the old flame with Clark, and I really hope that doesn't happen, but platonic male-female friendships are rare enough on TV that I can imagine it's hard to set one up without everyone seeing a ship setting sail. 

Speaking of ships, I know that Jordan and Sarah are an obvious pairing, but I hope Jordan is smart enough not to try to be her rebound relationship (and ruin his reconciliation with Sean). But honestly, I kind of hope Jordan is gay or bi, giving a way to tie his feelings of being different and search for identity to the struggles queer kids commonly face in an explicit way rather than an allegorical one. 

Seriously though, let Clark and Lois have a strong marriage that doesn't need to be threatened by the Other Woman for unnecessary drama. Let the drama build out of normal family conflicts, not tropes that were sexist and outdated when they were common in the Silver Age. 

Lois's Story: "The news comes to Lois Lane" seems to be an ongoing theme, as the next lead in her story just walks through the door of the Smallville Gazette. Unsurprisingly for a story involving Lois Lane, this leads to a conspiracy involving disappearing workers and super-powered enforcers. Lois explicitly makes the point I said earlier, that the stories in small towns do matter, and too often get overlooked because there aren't enough reporters covering them. 

The action scene where Lois is attacked by someone with Kryptonian-level abilities is pretty good. I always like when Superman enters a confrontation by trying to de-escalate before fighting, and I always like when Lois enters a confrontation by trying to fight before calling in the big guns. The fight between Superman and the assailant (who I think is credited as Subjekt 11, but I assumed that character was going to carry forward and, uh, doesn't look like he is) showcases both a nice escalation as Superman learns what the guy's strength is, and some nice uses of powers. The CW effects teams have gotten pretty creative over the years. The one issue I have is that Superman slams the guy through a cinderblock wall right at the start of the fight, before he's tested those abilities, and I feel like that would have done some real damage if he'd guessed wrong and the guy was a baseline human. The No-Prize Answer would be that either he scanned the guy before hitting him and knew, at baseline, that he was a meta, or that he knew Lois wouldn't call him unless she was dealing with a metahuman threat. Still, it bugs me. 

I do hope we learn more about what Subjekt-11 was. Metahuman? Kryptonian? Some kind of experiment? I'm frankly more interested in the Morgan Edge stuff than alt-universe Luthor. 

The woman who takes out Subjekt-11—who I guess was also with Edge at the meeting last episode—seems to be named Leslie Larr, no doubt a reference to Lesla-Lar, the Silver Age Kandorian villain who happened to be an exact double for Supergirl, because every major character had a double living in Kandor. Whether that means she's Kryptonian or some other swerve is something, I guess, we'll learn later.

Other: I noticed an Easter Egg that I haven't seen reported anywhere else: The Whitty Banter Show! For those who don't remember, Whitty Banter was the host of a Metropolis talk show in the 80s and 90s; there's ads for it all over the Death of Superman Newstime issue. In trying to remind myself what Easter Egg I remembered catching, I also learned that Kryptonsite still exists! What a blast from the past. There was a time, many moons ago, where that was a daily visit for me, along with the Superman Homepage. 

And Blogger.com, for that matter. But those days are clearly far behind us.

#IFTTT #Blogger #TheFortressOfSoliloquy