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The Ugly Anxiety

A submission by a friend..

Anxiety comes in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes it's sitting in a meeting, having just finished your coffee, holding onto your empty disposable cup waiting for someone else to stand up to throw theirs away first because you're too nervous to be the first one out of your seat. Other times it's waking up on a Sunday morning with every intention to go have lunch with your family out of town and stopping in to see your best friend on your way home but halfway home, the drive is too much and you want to call your friend and ask to reschedule because you're so anxious to just get home, to just feel the ground beneath your feet in a familiar place. But you can't pull your phone out because your baby is in the backseat and what if the second you take your hand off the steering wheel you cause an accident killing you both. So you get home and intend on calling her so that she's not just waiting around for you and worrying that maybe you're not ok. But you're afraid if you tell her you're not coming she'll be mad and you can't handle anyone being mad at you, so instead you turn your phone off for an entire day and cry knowing you failed again, hoping she is understanding, again for the millionth time. Sometimes it can come when you're at your calmest state, this creeping feeling that somethings not right but you can't quite put your finger on it, you check in with your closest friends and family and everyone is safe, everything is fine but the anxiety grows stronger and the more you try to calm yourself the more intense it gets. Anxiety is all of the what ifs that would never happen in a lifetime, all at once. It's constantly thinking you're not good enough, that no one wants to be around you anymore because you're flaky. You slowly stop being invited out for lunch with your friends and it grows so much you're not even considered a candidate for jobs. It's working jobs for a couple weeks and then no call no showing because someone gave you constructive criticism one time and you feel like everyone there hates you and are trying to make you quit, until they eventually stop calling and take you off the schedule and you're unemployed again knowing damn well the bills are behind. It's not making appointments for necessary reasons because when you dial the number you instantly forget why you called and hang up instead because the anxiety in your head tells you whoever you're trying to call is going to think you're an idiot if you stumble on a single word. These are all things that have happened to me just in the last week, because I can't calm my mind. I don't let my kids play outside unless another adult is present because too many things could go wrong. And there is never another adult around because no one makes plans with me anymore because im too flaky. Loving someone with anxiety is more than just loving them, you can't look at their anxious behavior as a charming quirk. Because it's not glamorous. Its not desirable, it's hard work loving someone with anxiety. So to those who love me despite my mental illness, I admire you. Because I don't love myself, and I'm the one with the anxiety. I hate myself for not being able to be there in times I should be. I've skipped weddings, the births of my favorite little people because hospitals aren't safe, wedding parties aren't safe. Safe is in my home with the curtains drawn, doors locked and phone calls screened because I wouldn't dare answer an unknown number without first googling the number or waiting to see if they'll leave a message. Anxiety, as I've said, comes in all shapes and sizes. You may have all of the above, a mixture of them, and even more I haven't stated. Whatever it is to you, you're not alone. I Should practice what I preach but I won't, because my anxiety convinces me that I'm not worthy, that I am completely alone, that no one could ever possibly imagine what it's like to be me. I get chronic migraines because I stress out so intensely that it causes physical pain, and i don't want anyone in the world to ever feel like this. I am working on me, it's not going to be an overnight fix. It might not happen for me for years but the point is I'm trying. I'm trying for me, my kids and the ones I love. I hope you're trying too, I hope you find even the smallest amount of hope and light to guide you away from the dark times. Its 2020, and the world is a shit show, but there are resources available now that are easier than ever to utilize. And i hope if you got anything from reading this, its that you are so much more amazing and so loved and valued than you could ever realize. Take advantage of those resources, whatever that looks like to you. Go to therapy, take your meds, call a friend, open the curtains a little and drink some water. Promise me you will try one small thing to better yourself today so that tomorrow may be brighter.

#thecaffeinatedweird #anxiety #mental illness #it gets better

[thecaffeinatedweird]

SahM: The Things They Don’t Tell You

If you are a parent, you already know that there are SO many things your parents or friends didn’t warn you about before you had your own. If you are expecting or planning on having a little one then I would definitely read this up. There are things that you can’t even imagine you aren’t prepared for and I am more than willing to share with you the things that I have learned in the last 23 months of my child’s life. 

First, better believe that the ‘terrible 2’s’ start happening as soon as they hit toddler stage, which if you didn’t know, is apparently as soon as they start walking. That is something that I actually GOOGLED to discover. (Don’t be ashamed to have to google things). Seriously though, they will start running as soon as they figure out the ends of their leg sticks. When that happens, hide EVERYTHING. It won’t matter how many ways you try to teach them, they WILL touch it. If you happened to have a child like mine, there is no place high enough. (Having a 1 year old the size of a 4 year old is INSANE) 

Second, they WILL try your patience, with a SMILE no less. Remember when you would get upset with your mom because she would get mad at you for having the same attitude as her? Ya, moms of daughters, get ready to finally understand that frustration. They will give you those looks of attitude that make you think to yourself ‘where the hell did you get that from’ and then one night you will be in the bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror and you see that same face she was making. Yupp that right there is where she gets it. 

There are so many reasons throughout the day that you will want to throw in the towel and just quit. It’s in that moment that they come up to you and hug you or ask for a kiss or just cuddle up against you. Right then, you can’t help but choke back tears and pull them closer because you didn’t even realize that you needed that affection from them. One of those crazy things that they DON’T tell you is they have this ‘sixth sense’ about these kinds of things and even if you didn’t know you needed it, they did and that is the most amazing thing in the ENTIRE world. 

There is a ‘but’ in there. So here it is: They do all those crazy things, BUT, they are the BEST damn things to ever happen to you. Sure it is going to drive you crazy in the moment and you will just want to throw your hands up in defeat, which is also ok from time to time, but one night you will be laying in bed thinking about your day and those crazy moments from the day will pop into your head and you will realize those are the moments you LIVE for. 

#thecaffeinatedweird #momlife #sahm

[thecaffeinatedweird]

Stay at home Mom (SahM)

Being a Stay-at-home-Mom (SahM) isn’t something I thought I would be doing with my life. Throughout my childhood and adolescent years, what I wanted to be when I grew up changed all the time, but it just wasn’t one of the things that I pictured for myself. Truth be told, I never even saw myself getting pregnant and having children, but when that test went positive over 2 years ago now, it changed everything. 

Since then I have made so many changes in my life. I put her needs and care to the top of everything. She became my world. I vowed that I would be the best mom she could ever ask for and that our mother-daughter relationship would be better than mine was with my mom. I make the strides I need to to ensure that her life will be what she deserves and more. Of course all of these decisions I make are ones I believe every parent should make for their child. 

One thing for certain that I wanted to be sure of was that I was always there for her. No matter what and no matter when. Too many times my mom was absent for important moments in my life and I refuse to do that to her. Knowing what that felt like allows me to know and want to keep my child from ever feeling like that. 

Of course, I got SUPER lucky being able to stay at home with my child and not have to worry about being able to afford it. No, I don’t come from money. No I didn’t get lucky and have a chunk sitting in the bank. My luck is in the man that I fell in love with. Not only does his job take care of our needs, but he is willing to put in the sacrifice that he does everyday to allow me to stay home with my daughter. He works long and hard hours to make sure we can afford everything. I couldn’t imagine being able to do what I love without his support and love that he has for both me and my daughter. So this is a major shout out to the most amazing person in our lives!

All this being said, being a SahM has been the best decision of my life. I never miss a thing. I get to watch her grow and learn every day. I get to be a part of teaching her and seeing her grow into her own person. (Though she is the most PERFECT mini me!) The adventures that I go on daily with her makes waking up everyday worth it. 

#thecaffeinatedweird #sahm #momlife

[thecaffeinatedweird]

Writing with Anxiety

The hardest part of trying to create something from nothing, planning out all the steps, is having anxiety. You sit there and you make this amazing list to start planning whatever it is that you are wanting to do. Next thing you know you have all these ideas flowing through you 100 miles an hour and you start to have this overwhelming crushing feeling because you don’t have the time or ability to process anything first. 

How are you supposed to keep up with all the ideas pulsing through your brain that fast? Next thing you know you have a million lists in so many places and you start to second guess whether or not it’s even a good idea anymore. Then you start stressing even more because it was something you really wanted to do but now you don’t think you can do it. 

Then there is the ever grudging feeling of whatever it is you are working on, no matter how much work you’ve already put into it, is stupid and so you just give up on it. I am really bad with that. I have about 8 stories (that I haven’t trashed) that can date back to my freshman year of high school that I started working on but could never finish. I used to blame it on lack of inspiration but, if I am completely honest with myself, it’s because I felt like it wasn’t good enough and no one would ever want to read it. 

I have literally writer’s blocked myself so many times because I have this horrible habit of comparing myself to my favorite authors and ‘realize’ I will never be as good as them. How wrong that thought process is though. I mean, how can we ever really know that we aren’t good enough if we don’t try right? I mean, this blog has been a dream of mine for so long but I never did anything because I felt like whatever I had to say wasn’t important enough to put out into the world. Who is going to care what this small town girl has to say? 

#thecaffeinatedweird #anxiety #mentalhealth

[thecaffeinatedweird]

A hand hold is so much more than affection. It's comfort. It's saftey. It's home. #momlife #familyiseverything #littlegirlhero #thecaffeinatedweird https://www.instagram.com/p/COLlaImDeMx/?igshid=19ttlnd0v27wj

#momlife #familyiseverything #littlegirlhero #thecaffeinatedweird

[thecaffeinatedweird]

Fidget Louise ready for breakfast. #catmomlife #thecaffeinatedweird #morning https://www.instagram.com/p/CNhuzSFMiW1/?igshid=1rs4q5ytuvx89

#catmomlife #thecaffeinatedweird #morning

[thecaffeinatedweird]

My little psycho and her "Christmas Tree" that she built. As hard as I've tried to get her to love Halloween more, I have failed. Christmas Trees will forever be her favorite. #thecaffeinatedweird #momlife #christmastree https://www.instagram.com/p/CM2p8fMltfa/?igshid=q5502iuki4gz

#thecaffeinatedweird #momlife #christmastree

[thecaffeinatedweird]

Days like these make me hope to find inspiration in the bottom of the mug.

If at first you don't succeed, try try again.

Words I tell myself when I'm 3 cups in.

#thecaffeinatedweird #goals #momlife

[thecaffeinatedweird]

Its days like these that i realize the weird is definitely genetic. This type of weird is not something that can be taught. Never a dull moment in this house. #momlife #proudweirdo #thecaffeinatedweird https://www.instagram.com/p/CMuVa4Nlwpm/?igshid=13d9idwcfbtn4

#momlife #proudweirdo #thecaffeinatedweird

[thecaffeinatedweird]

Here is this weeks playlist! <3

#thecaffeinatedweird #goodtunes

[thecaffeinatedweird]

All That ‘Tude

You remember growing up with that attitude that you would throw at your parents just to drive them nuts? That one that would make them just shake their heads and walk away from you because it’s pushing them to a breaking point. No matter how upset you were in the moment, there was always this sense of victory you felt deep inside afterwards and eventually it’s your go to and that attitude just sticks, but why did it tick your parents off SO bad? I’ll tell you why, because that is the attitude that is the EXACT same as theirs when they were younger. That is the attitude that I receive from my two and a half year old. 

I haven’t even gotten the pleasure of not having to worry about dealing with that attitude till she reaches her tween and teen years. Oh no. Instead I have this tonster (toddler monster) that isn’t even out of diapers running around throwing my attitude in my face. The audacity of this child is that when she does it, she has a smile on her face! She KNOWS she is throwing it in my face, but she gives no sh*ts AT ALL! 

Confession: Even though it throws me everytime, I FRIGGIN LOVE IT! 

Knowing that this child has without a doubt my sass and attitude truly brings me so much joy! Knowing that I have successfully passed on my weird to the next generation gives me such a sense of pride. I know I am raising a tiny headstrong child that will only care about what she thinks of herself and honestly that’s all that matters. If I’m being honest with myself, because I know I can’t speak for everyone here, I love the fact that she has my attitude. Will it make for a harder and more stressful time when she is a teenager? Sure. It was pretty bad with my mom, but I also know that it was because my mom and I had the same attitude and personality that we were constantly butting heads. It doesn’t help anyone or the situation if you are just going to get mad at them for having that same attitude you have. 

Watching my little mini me strut around through the house, I feel like I laugh more than anything in the world. (Which would probably give me awesome abs if I wasn’t obsessed with mocha flavored ANYTHING). I must admit the envy I feel for her confidence. She is so sure of anything she says or does and says or does it with so much confidence that she’d put grown women to shame. We will be walking down the sidewalk at a strip mall and start singing her ABC’s so loudly and there I am walking behind her dancing like she is jamming to some hit single on the radio. Why? Because we, as parents, SHOULD do things like that for our kids. GAS THEM THE FUCK UP!!! If we can do it for our S/O and our best friends, then why can’t we for our kids. Especially over the small things. 

#momlife #thecaffeinatedweird #girlmom

[thecaffeinatedweird]

Trying New Things

Trying new things is supposed to be fun right? I think the major problem people run into is not just that they are trying out something new but that they try out something they don’t really like in the first place. Sure trying those new things is supposed to help them start liking it, but in reality I think the best outcome when trying things out is to try out things that you have some sort of interest in. 

I started doing a Self-Care journal recently and the first entry that I did was to make a list of 10 beauty self-care ideas to try. To be honest, I have never been one of those girls that do those ‘girly’ things, however working on getting a better self-image in hopes to raise my self-confidence, I am willing to get ‘girly’. So I made my list. I had to search through about 5 different things on google to reach all 10 only because I was so picky about what I was willing to try. 

The plus side is just about everything that I picked will allow me to get my own ingredients to make my own product. Which makes me really happy because not only will I save money doing it, but I will also get to save time trying to find the perfect product for what I need. I think that has always been one of the biggest turn offs for me when it came to getting face masks and stuff like that. I would spend so much money on a product that just didn’t fit me at all. 

I think that’s one of the things that gets me the most. The time and money that you dump into finding a product that ends up NOT being what you needed just deflates your motivation to even do it anymore. That being said, I have decided that if I am going to put forth the effort to actually attempt to make things better for myself, then I might as well do it right and just make my own things. 

This is something I am actually super excited about because if I can do this well, the possibilities will be endless. I do plan on logging all of my attempts and what things worked best for me and making them posts on here so make sure you keep an eye out for anything labeled TRIED IT on my blog. Nothing helps more than honest to god reviews about whatever it is that you are trying. Any more you can’t trust reviews on websites because most of them are faked. 

Wish me luck. I am sure that I will find some terrible concoctions that will probably smell TERRIBLE. I am excited to discover what everyday items that I can use for beauty products though. This will be a fun learning experience for sure. 

#thecaffeinatedweird #tryitout #newthings

[thecaffeinatedweird]

Dream that Dream

Have you ever had this dream? One of those that you would do anything for? That one dream that you usually put on the back burner through life, yet always have that nagging pull in the back of your mind. Those are the ones that you should be following. 

So many people -- even I fall into that list -- go through life doing things they NEED to do just to make it through. But that’s not living. That’s just surviving. We can’t have any kind of quality life doing that. I could fill a book with all the dreams and things I want to do. One of them being to have a successful blog and this is me FINALLY trying to make that dream come true. 

Writing has been something that I have loved and enjoyed doing since my middle school english teacher taught us that some of the best writers use emotion to inspire them and they use their writings as a way to deal with different emotions and things they go through. That lesson was a domino effect in my life. I started filling notebooks with every thought and feeling that I had. If I was going through something that I felt I couldn’t talk to anyone about, I wrote about it in a notebook till I got through it. Looking back now, I guess I never realized just how much that lesson changed my life. 

From that I started writing my first story in high school. The words just flowed onto the paper practically writing itself. I never finished it though. Funny, I never finished a single story I have ever started. So what is my dream really? To write a blog about my failures? To write out my thoughts while I get through something like I had as a kid? To finish something for once? Yes, yes to all of that. 

I know that so many people pick a specific topic to stick with when they start a blog or have a blog. I can’t do it. I see a blog as a place to be real with the readers. Show them that they are the same behind the computer. Just someone trying to deal with the normal day to day tasks by not going insane. I don’t think I could get through an entire day without writing down or writing about those random thoughts that pass through my brain. I mean, sometimes a genius idea can come from a strange and random thought, right? 

Writing isn’t my only passion and dream. I guess I have too many things that I want to do and that I am passionate about, but there isn’t anything wrong with that. Just means that everyday is something new. An adventure just waiting to be had. Planning. There is something else that I really enjoy doing. So I spend so much time planning and organizing step by step, each of the dreams that I have and want to have come true. This is only the beginning. 

#thecaffeinatedweird #dreams #goals

[thecaffeinatedweird]

    Once you become a mom, you give up some of those personal luxuries you used to enjoy by yourself because you need to direct your attention to your children, and that’s ok! But never forget you are allowed to have time to yourself. Don’t deny it, every one of you have a perfect morning/breakfast fantasy that you dream about at least 5 times a week when your days start out super hectic.

    Mine? Sleeping till at LEAST nine in the morning. My boof having woken up with the little one and took care of some of the small morning chores. The smell of coffee is strong and promising to erase that groggy start, fresh and on my bedside table. Coming down stairs to a delicious breakfast, that I didn’t have to make, already laid out on the table for me to eat. Finish it all off with an hour of peacefulness in the bathroom where I can do my business and take a shower without interruptions. 

    All that being said though, I guess my fantasy is more of a future wish. Having a one year old, you would think that my mornings are pretty crazy but I got lucky enough to have a one year old that enjoys sleeping in till 8-8:30 every morning. Sometimes even 9 like this morning. Of course on those mornings I do get about an hour of quiet me time because I CAN’T sleep in those days so I spend those mornings getting a head start on the coffee and spend some time on writing and getting things straightened up from the night before. 

    Honestly though, I still wouldn’t mind my fantasy at least once a month. I mean it doesn’t matter if she sleeps in right now giving me more sleep time, I still have a crazy morning as soon as she wakes up. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change a thing. I love my little crazy psycho. I think what is so enticing about these fantasies is the lower stress levels of the morning and the promise of a few hours of relaxation to start the day out. No matter the mom, that would be the most perfect way to start the day. 

#thecaffeinatedweird #momlife #momlove

[thecaffeinatedweird]

Your Perfect Picture

Nothing in life is ever perfect. Not even your life. Ya I am talking to you. I know you may think differently but I also know that everyone, no matter who you are, is always struggling or dealing with something. We are human. Everything can’t go our way all the time. But that’s okay! The point isn’t for it all to be perfect or to have the perfect everything. The point is to make it perfect for YOU… 

People drive themselves crazy, searching or striving for every aspect in their life to be perfect. What’s sad though, anymore the perfect that they want is the one that society paints for them. Let’s face it, everyone has different tastes… No two people are the same, right? It’s just like the topic of what is normal. What is normal for you may not be normal for other people you know. 

Don’t strive for the perfect picture that you were told you needed. Strive for the perfect picture that you KNOW you need. Find that job that you LOVE. Find someone that is your balance. Live somewhere you won’t hate in ten years, or don’t and be ok with moving around if you are someone who enjoys a change of scenery from time to time. Build YOUR perfect life. 

But keep a few things in mind… Even the perfection that is yours takes work. It may be hard sometimes. There WILL be bad days. There will be days when the world gets so bad that you will just crawl under your blankets and cry till there are no more tears. Find what makes you happy no matter what happens though. Be it coffee or maybe a legit happy place. Maybe it's a person or an object. Keep it close, because believe me you will need it. You will have days when it doesn’t look like anything will ever get better and then you go, see, touch whatever it is that makes you happy all the way to your soul. THAT’S when you see it. Your perfect picture. 

Don’t EVER give up no matter how bad it gets and don’t let anyone ever tell you that you or what you want is less than perfect. 

#thecaffeinatedweird #yourlife #yourrules #nevergiveup

[thecaffeinatedweird]

Personal Goals

It’s when you start to envision this certain lifestyle for yourself that you start to see all the steps you have to take to get there. That is what has happened to me today. I don’t want to have a favorite big brand clothing store to shop at. I want to have a favorite thrift/boutique shop that I visit where I can get not only clothes that I actually ENJOY wearing and take pride in wearing more than a few times, but also those items that you can’t find anywhere else. 

I don’t want to make a fashion statement, believe me I have NEVER been that kind of girl. I want to feel like myself in my clothing and actually get excited to wear them. I know that my style isn’t for everyone but it’s for me and that’s what should matter most. Nothing was harder for me growing up than being told that I can’t or shouldn’t wear something I wanted to because it wasn’t something people would normally wear. 

My decor tastes also tend to go towards vintage things. Oh, and of course anything coffee related. There is just something about looking at items with vintage personality that makes you feel like you have time traveled to a simpler time. Which I think we can all agree would be amazing right now with all the crazy going on in the world. With that in mind though, those small mom and pop thrifts/boutiques are the PERFECT place to find those little things you didn’t even know you were looking for and those items are my FAVORITE!

All that being said I now know that I have a mission. I must go out and find this cute little place and find things that I will be comfortable in and that are me through and through. No more hiding in these basic clothes that people think we should wear because that’s what is ‘in’. This will be the first step in reaching my goal. 

#thecaffeinatedweird #goals #personal #gettingtoknowme